#but i don't mind drinking by myself so i'll probably open a bottle of wine and spend my evening/night on tumblr or writing fics^^

[midnightrings]

it's been a stressful day but I finally got my master's degree! :D

#actually more like stressful weeks/months/years #but i'm happy #got a good grade too #tho i'm honestly just glad i finally finished this #hate that it's just a random thursday and i can't celebrate properly #but i don't mind drinking by myself so i'll probably open a bottle of wine and spend my evening/night on tumblr or writing fics^^

[imagines-for-the-fangirls-soul]

New Years Day - Billy Butcher

A/N: Happy New Year, friends! Hoping that this year brings nothing but the best for all of us. Here is a little New Years gift, albeit a little late. I want to push myself to write more this year, on here and not, so hopefully you'll see a little more of me!

TS Prompt #2: New Year’s Day

Pairing: Billy Butcher x Reader Word Count: 1.3k Synopsis: New Years morning with Billy <3

The first thought in Billy Butcher's mind when he wakes up is that if he tries to open his eyes, his head will explode. He groans as he turns away from the light streaming in through the small apartment's bedroom window and chances a quick peek at the room.

His head has not exploded, but it is pounding. After a few seconds to get used to the cruel light of day, he rolls back over on his back. The sheets smell of whiskey and something else he can't place, but definitely a smell from the party last night.

He reaches out, expecting to find you lying next to him, probably just as hungover as he is, and hopefully as naked as he had left you the night before. His hand only brushes over the coldness of your pillow.

He sits up quickly, which is a mistake, as the drinks from last night threaten to come back up. As his stomach settles, he climbs out of bed and follows the light coming from the hall. There is rustling and clinking coming from the kitchen, much quieter than the clinking glasses from the night before.

He finds you here, a trash bag in hand, and a fluffy robe wrapped around you. You glance up at him when you hear his shuffling and give him a tired smile.

"Happy New Year," you whisper.

"Is it?" he asks. He stops in front of you and leans down to kiss you. "What are you doing up so early?"

"The sunlight woke me up," you say with a shrug. "Figured I'd get a jump start on cleaning up the mess of our party."

"You don't have to do that all on your own, love," he says, taking the bag from your hand.

"I also figured you'd be pretty hungover. I didn't expect to see you for a while."

"Are you not hungover?" he asks, quickly recounting in his mind how many drinks each of you had. You might have had a few less, but he had a higher tolerance. If he was hungover, you had to be.

"Oh I am," you say with a pained expression, "Which is why I took four Tylenol this morning and why I couldn't fall asleep after I did."

"Rest, let me clean up," he says, steering you towards the couch. He sits you down and kisses your forehead. As he does, he sees the mess of beer bottles, wine glasses, and anything else one can imagine scattering his living and dining room.

"Remind me why we had this party?"

"Because it's what you do on New Year's Eve," you say, standing back up, "Like how on New Years Day, you clean up all the bottles your friends left."

"What are you doing?" he asks as you walk back into the kitchen and grab another bag.

"This one is for the trash, you work on the bottles."

"Who brought plum flavored beer?" he asks in disgust, chucking the can into the bag.

"Oh, my work friend brought. It was not actually as bad as you'd think. I could have sworn you tried some."

"No," he grumbles, moving on to the next five cans.

"You were definitely there when she was passing them around."

"I'm telling you, I was not. In fact, the only time I saw you at the party was when it was over and you finally joined me in bed."

"Don't say finally like you were in there all night," you say with a roll of your eyes. "You partied well past midnight."

"Well how could I not?" he asks, "The music never turned down once until everyone left."

"You're even grumpier this year than you were last."

"It's the hangover, love," he quips. You laugh and then immediately put a hand on your forehead. Billy watches you wince and comes over to your side.

"Maybe you need more than just Tylenol."

"I'll be fine. I figured we'd get some greasy breakfast food after this is all picked up and then get back into bed," you say. Billy raised an eyebrow at you. "No, not like that. The only kind of pounding going on today will be the one going on in my head."

"That's fair," he says, kissing your forehead.

"Also," you say, grabbing his hand before he walks off to pick up more leftover drinks. "We spent more time together last night than just at the end of the night."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, dumbass, you kissed me at midnight."

"That wasn't me, darling," he says, dropping his garbage bag on the floor. He notices smatterings of glitter all over his floor, and knows that it will be an even bigger mess to clean up, but doesn't care as he wraps his hands around your waste. You drop your own trash bag and look up at him.

"I'm pretty sure it was."

"I would have remembered that," he says, "But now I know there's someone from last night who is getting the ass-beating of a lifetime."

"Oh shut up," you say, shoving him gently. "Remember, everyone started counting down and I pinned you down--"

"Ooh," he says gruffly, pulling you closer. You roll your eyes.

"I pinned you down, meaning I finally found you, in the kitchen, and dragged you back out here for the countdown."

"And then what happened?"

"And then the clock struck twelve and you kissed me. Just like this." You close the gap between the two of you and tilt your head up to kiss his lips softly. His hand travels up into your tangled hair and you melt into the kiss for a few more minutes.

"Just like that," he hums when you break apart.

"Mhm."

"Expected something a little more wild for a New Years kiss."

"Oh, believe me, it got wilder when everyone left."

"Yeah, I'm remembering now." He thumbs at the opening of your robe and sees that it is the only thing you have on.

"Remember what I said about pounding," you say, reading the look in his eyes.

"Seems like we could have foregone the party and just spent the night together. No headaches, and all the pounding," he says with a wicked smile. You laugh and fall into his arms. "Unfair I only get you at midnight."

"You can have me at all your midnights. And I know I left you alone for a lot of last night, but I knew I'd get you all to myself this morning, that we'd clean up bottles together on New Years Day," you say, rubbing his back gently.

"I feel honored," he says sarcastically.

"No one else I'd rather clean up with," you say, looking up at him before breaking away.

You are quiet for a while, cleaning up your unspoken half of the mess. It isn't until Billy brings his full bag back into the kitchen that you speak again.

"You know, my friend with the plum beer told me something interesting."

"Yeah?"

"Well, she had been dating someone at work and they broke up after a few months. She said the break-up had been fine, but that after it was over, she had to ask to be transferred. She said she couldn't stand hearing his laughter, even four or five offices down."

Billy grunts in response, not sure what to say.

"After she told me, I found myself picking out your laugh in all of the noise last night." You sigh and Billy turns towards you. "Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I can recognize anywhere."

"Y/N," he says gently, taking you in his arms again. "Never. I love you."

"I love you, too." He leans in to kiss you once more, his grip on you is firm as he deepens the kiss, making it more meaningful than the quick one at midnight, or even the ones he scattered over your body last night.

"Happy New Year, love."

"Happy New Year, Billy."

#billy butcher #billy butcher x reader #billy butcher x you #billy butcher imagine #billy butcher fanfiction #the boys #the boys fanfiction #the boys imagine #the boys fanfic #ts prompts

[lost-in-wond3rland]

Today, I would like to yeet myself into the sun

TW: Weed (is that a thing?), the want to yeet yourself into oblivion (but just like a little bit in the teehee let's be dramatic way)

It's days like this where I wish I was better at budgeting (or generally was just paid more because bffr) so I can go out and buy some good 'ol weed. I miss my stoner days man, I always had that shit on hand. Maybe I'll buy some again when I get paid in a few weeks.

Alas, instead I will drink a bottle of Merlot like the classy ass peasant I am, in my marauders map stemless wine glass. Cheers guys, gals, unicorns, and pals.

Today just started like a dumpster fire. I started my current job not even a month ago, and just started learning the tasks Wednesday last week (10 points if you already see where this is going). I walk into work as one does and start the simply task of walking around the entire clinic and opening all the doors. 20 minutes of that and I walk back into my office area and low and behold I am the only person there. Everyone else either called out, is teleworking, or comes in by 730 or later. Problem is that we have certain reports that gotta be out by 7, it was 645, and I didn't even know how to run them. OH! AND the tech wasn't working ☺️

Que a LOT of panicking and the help of a very sweet friend and SOMEHOW shit made it (if a minute or two late). Of course the whole "you should have asked for help-" well, technically I did it just wasn't one of you guys cuz I didn't know where tf anyone was and my computer wasn't really working so I couldn't see who was online.

All cool though.

The day stayed within that theme for the rest of the day. I won't bore you with the details and try to explain what my job duties are. But that's how my dad started before 7am and it did nottttttt get any better.

Goddamn my alcohol tolerance has gone to shit hasn't it? Or reds are stronger than I remember. I digress.

Today was the day from hell and I would like to yeet myself into the sun. Hell, send me back in time and I'll buy a ticket on the titanic and cheers the iceberg while I sink. Sounds like a good time.

Just. One of those days where, try as I might, I could get nothing right. Not one fucking thing. And I just remembered I need to call to cancel my therapy appointment for tomorrow. I'm going to wait a little later so hopefully I can leave a message on the machine. For one, I don't want to talk to anyone today. For two, if they ask me to reschedule I don't know how to deny without feeling bad meaning I will end up rescheduling and I. Don't. Want. Too. I'd much rather read and write my silly little fics and shout into the tumblr void.

Also, guess who hasn't slept in two days again. Lets see if we go for three today lol Gotta love it here.

Someone just shut this dumb thing off, I don't even care how anymore. And by this thing, I mean my brain. I'm tired, and irritated, and more than anything I wish I could just get high out of my mind. The kind of high were the inhale burns just so, and your brain gets a little fuzzy, and everything is just fucking hilarious, and you can feel music in such a physical way that its wild. But also, probably shouldn't do that. "That's not a coping mechanism", blah blah blah.

Guess I gotta be a semi functioning adult instead.

Fucking pity.

#Seven diaries #fuck thursdays #this one specifically

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret

Chapter 3

A/N- The secrets out! Well to you guys anyway 🤫

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction. It's only so long until your lies are going to catch up to you.

Word count- 3,258

Warnings- Swearing, lies, deceit, cheating

Pairing- Chris Hemsworth X you / Liam Hemsworth X you

18+ only!

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Posted: 25th May 2021

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke @chickensarentcheap @mostly-marvel-musings

Chapter 1 + 2

"Morning babe, I tried to let you have a sleep in. I didn't wake you did I?" He asks, preoccupied with the washing up.

"No, I actually had a good sleep for once." You say nonchalantly while searching through the kitchen cupboards for a mug in a half asleep haze. "That's not going to last long when I have to spend the weekend in a hotel bed though."

Finally finding your favourite mug right at the back of the cupboard, you slam it on the counter a little more aggressively than you expected, startling you out of your daziness. Your boyfriend raises his eyebrow at you questioningly and you just shrug your shoulders back at him. It was definitely going to be one of them days, those days where nothing goes right. You would question what you'd done to deserve it but you already know the answer to that.  You were just going to have to put up with karma kicking your ass at any given moment for the rest of your life.

"Aww I know babe, at least it's only two night's though." He comes up behind you, resting his chin on your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist. "You've just reminded me -" He presses carefully, the way he shifts his composure telling you he's uncomfortable with what he's about to say and your heart begins to beat a little faster. " - I know you're going away tomorrow and I really wanted to have the night alone..." He pauses again.

"Just tell me, what is it?" You ask, trying to keep the annoyance from your voice.

"My brother called this morning, he sounds in a bad way so I said he can come over and hang out tonight. You don't mind do you?" Now your heart stops beating completely, what the hell is he playing at? 

 "I'm worried about him, he's not been right lately and he's going away for work tomorrow night too so it's the only time I can see him really." You're angry with him for saying he's going away too, how more fucking obvious can he make it? You're just both suspiciously going to be away with work at the same time. You can't protest about it now, you don't want to raise any more questions.

"No of course not, babe." You agree reluctantly, still seething with anger on the inside. "Right, I'm going for a shower and then I better start packing." You sulk.

"Do you want some help?" He ask as you kiss him on his cheek while you're passing. 

"It's ok babe, you know how meticulous I am with my packing." You say smiling softly at him.

"Gotcha, I am not getting involved with that. Give me a shout if you want a coffee." 

"You're the best." 

                         ****************

Using the tap to muffle the sound of your voice while you make a call. This was starting to become a habit now, the sound of running water in the background whenever you speak to him, a memory that you will never forget. Whenever you run your bath or fill the sink you're going to be reminded of your lying and cheating. Great! Just another thing to add to the list of things to look forward to in the future.

You never thought you'd be a cheater, especially to someone you loved and cared for so deeply. You'd always despised people who cheated, could never understand how people could have multiple lives and cheat multiple times. Naively thinking that if they weren't happy they should just tell the person they are with and stop all the hurt but it doesn't always work that way. You didn't suddenly think 'hey I'm not happy, I'm going to go fuck someone else'. You certainly wouldn't have chosen his brother if that was the case. Over the years it just happened and you hated yourself for it. You weren't even unhappy in your relationship, so that throws all your theories of 'cheaters' completely out of the window. The sound of the dial tone snaps you from your thoughts.

"Hi babe." He answers almost immediately, leaving you with no time to regain your composure. "Hello?" 

"Oh erm.... Don't 'hi babe' me." Not a great start, you have to admit.

"What's wrong?" You can tell that Chris is amused with your tone of voice and it makes that anger resurface.

"You know exactly what's wrong, why the fuck are you coming over here tonight?" 

"Erm to s-" you don't even give him time to speak before you interrupt him. You don't believe that he's just coming to see Liam, you know he's coming to see you no matter what he says.

"As if it's not awkward enough without having you both in the same house together... You have to cancel." The thought of them both being together with you filled you with fear. How were you supposed to act around them both? The idea of it fills you with chills.

"I'm not cancelling. I haven't seen him in a while and he invited me. It'll be fine, I'll be on my best behaviour, I promise. I get you all to myself tomorrow anyway." 

"Exactly so why do you need to come over here and make everything all awkward?"

"Babe I'm coming to see my brother, you get me to yourself tomorrow. Don't be selfish" you could hear the amusement in his voice, you're sure he enjoys this.

"Pfft." A huff is about the only thing you could manage right now.

"You get to have both your favourite people in the same room, at the same time... Hey maybe we can have a threesome?" 

"Fuck off." You murmur, although you have to admit the thought of it does turn you on slightly. In a perfect world that would be the best possible outcome but it's not a perfect world and that most definitely would never happen.

"I'll see you tonight, wear something sexy." He laughs.

"This isn't funny." You reply before hanging up the phone and you're left alone with the tormenting sound of flowing water.

This is going to be a disaster, you can't help but think that tonight is the night it all comes out. Surely this isn't what he has planned, he wouldn't want to hurt his brother in such a viscous way. To announce at dinner that he's fucking his girlfriend and that they've been going behind his back and fucking for years. Surely not?  You're pretty sure you're being paranoid but know you're going to be on the edge of your seat all night, frightened everytime he opens his mouth to speak.

                                 **************

You're sure you've downed almost a full bottle of wine before he's even arrived, you try to remember how many glasses you've had when you finally hear the dreaded chime of the doorbell. Your head is dizzy with bubbles already, your stomach churning at the thought. It wasn't the cleverest of ideas to drink so much already, not when you need to be sharp and aware of what you're doing and saying. Fuck.

The way Chris' eyes light up when he sees you reminds you exactly why this is all worth it. You feel your nerves settle slightly now the first step was over and it wasn't so bad was it? You don't know what you were actually expecting, him to walk through the door and kiss you passionately sounds about right though.

"Chris! Hi, how you doing?" You act, standing on your tiptoes to hug him. It's so hard acting like he's your brother in law and not your... Boyfriend? Lover? You don't even know what to call him.

"Hi, beautiful." He whispers into your ear, making your stomach flip when you feel his lips graze against your neck. "I'm good thank you, how are you guys?" He says louder, moving away from your arms reluctantly and standing against the counter. The glint in his eyes and the smirk on his lips make him look sexy as hell, you bite onto your lip as hard as you can. Hoping to draw blood so you can concentrate on the pain and not the fact you want to rip your boyfriend's brothers clothes off.

"We're great" Liam replies.

"I'm sure you are." Chris says sarcastically under his breath, luckily Liam didn't hear him. You give Chris the glare, reminding him to be on his best behaviour.

"But how are you? You didn't sound too good the other day." Liam asks, opening a bottle of wine.

"I was probably just tired bro, you know how it is. I don't get much sleep nowadays." 

"Oh yeah, is a woman involved by any chance?" Liam asks, laughing to himself.

"Yeah, something like that." Chris subtly grazes your hand as you walk into the kitchen to help Liam. You freeze on the spot, looking into his eyes you see a desperately pleading look. You know this is torture for him, that he just wants to grab you and hold onto you. Even though he tries his best not to, he hates his brother for it, he hates that he gets to have you.

"Anyway, it smells great in here. What you making?" Chris says locked in eye contact with you. 

"I've just thrown together some dinner." You say casually, although deep down your heart is tugging and your hands are shaking.

"Her food is fucking amazing, I probably should have made sure you hadn't eaten first though?" Liam puts his arms around you and kisses your cheek as you carry on stirring the food on the stove. You're glad you have your back to Chris because you dread to think of his reaction. How you have to pretend you don't know each other on that deep level. You had tried to warn him that this was a bad idea.

"Yeah, no that would be awesome. Thanks" You can tell by the way his voice broke that this is causing him pain and there's nothing you can do about it. 

                              **************

"Do you want a beer or are you ok with wine?" Liam asks Chris as you sit down at the table ready to eat.

"I'd love a beer bro" Chris replies. You watch from the corner of your eye as Liam heads to the fridge, your heart beating a little faster now he's out of sight. Looking to Chris nervously.

Chris takes the opportunity while Liams back is turned and grabs your hand under the table. Stroking your palm with his thumb he mouths the words 'love you'. You can't help but feel sorry for him, this horrible situation you're all in. You mouth the words back to him before he lets your hand go when Liam comes back into sight.

All the way through the meal Chris can't take his eyes off of you, you're worried Liam will notice but he's paying no attention. Obviously he has no reason to doubt his loyal girlfriend and protective big brother, why would he? Which makes your betrayal even more unbearable.

"This is great Y/N." Chris says after tasting your food and moving your dress a little higher so he can place his hand on the top of your bare thigh under the table. The shock makes you jump and you hit your knee on the top of the table.

"Are you alright?" Liam asks looking slightly confused.

"Sorry, yeah. I just burnt my mouth." There's a slight hint of amusement in your words, you're a bad person but the situation is just too much not to find it slightly funny. The feel of Chris' hand on your thigh makes you feel butterflies in your stomach at the same time as the deep sick feeling of dread, your mind in a giant conflicted turmoil of feelings.

You can see Chris is also trying to hide his laugh as he takes a sip from his beer, one hand still on your thigh. Why the fuck am I sat in the middle? You hadn't thought about it when you'd sat down but now realise it was a massive mistake and also subconsciously the perfect place for you. The playing piece in a match against brothers, only one player is unaware there is any contest at all.

Chris finishes his beer and puts it down on the table loudly, filling the awkward silence between you all. You can understand the awkwardness between you and Chris but why is Liam not speaking? He wanted to see Chris to figure out what was wrong with him but he's not asking any questions. Has he figured it out? Did he see Chris touch your hand earlier? Had he seen you both whispering? You wriggle in your chair, feeling deadly uncomfortable and hoping Chris would move his hand. He didn't take the hint.

"Do you want another?" Liam asks Chris, already getting up from his chair and not waiting for an answer. Something is definitely wrong. Chris's hand moves further up your thigh, grazing the lace of your panties with the tip of his long finger. He's also completely oblivious to your awkwardness, drinking too much is numbing his senses and becoming dangerous. He's playing with fire. 

You fling your chair back from the table, standing abruptly, your cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and nervousness.

"I'm just gunna get some more beers from the basement." Liam announces, Chris sat cooly in his chair with not an ounce of nervousness.

"It's ok I'll go, you guys have a chat." You say, desperately needing to escape for a minute to catch your breath.

"Don't be silly, it'll only take me a minute." Liam says, already walking towards the door.

Chris takes his cue again, standing from his chair and moving over to you. Standing closely so he can whisper in your ear, his arm pressed to the small of your back while he holds you against him.

"I can't wait to have you in my bed again tomorrow Y/N. I've waited too long." 

"Chris, shh." 

"No, you shh. I wish I had you now, right here. I could just sit you up on this counter and fuck you right here -" He moves his hand up your skirt, gripping your ass in his big hands. "- You want that don't you? Tell me." His teeth graze the skin on your neck, making your head hang back loosely. You want it so bad, all your tension melts away as your muscles relax in his arms.

"We've got all weekend Chris, we can't do this here. It's too risky." You sigh, carefully wrapping your arms around his neck and listening for any sign of Liam.

"Fuck I know but it's so hard being here with you and not being able to fucking touch you." He moves away from you, running his hand though his hair in frustration.

"I told you how hard it'd be." You say.

"How hard what would be?" Liam asks breathlessly. Fuck. You hadn't heard him coming back, how much more had he heard? 

You're lost for words, completely frozen in shock. If he hadn't heard or seen anything it was still way too close for your liking.

"To shoot this ball of foil into that bin from all the way over here." Chris replies hastily, you're incredibly impressed with his quick thinking.

"Let me have a go then." Liam says, taking the foil from Chris. Typical competive brothers. Chris turns to you and winks devilishly, you're perfectly aware of how desirable he looks but you try to push that thought aside. You can't be thinking about that, the things he had just been saying and the thrill of almost being caught, all at once. 

"My turn." You say raising your eyebrows at them both as you swing your hips, confidently over to the fridge. Chris bites his lip as he watches you walk over. "Watch and learn boys." This is quite possibly the strangest situation you've ever been in but you might as well make the most of it.

You shoot your shot and land the foil ball straight into the bin. Turning around and bowing, you're wide eyed when you straighten back up. They both moved towards you as if they were going to kiss you, luckily Chris stopped himself in time.

"Only you could've landed that shot." Liam says, picking you up in his arms, leaving you with no choice but to wrap your legs around him while he kisses your lips deeply. 

You risk a glance at Chris over Liam's shoulder and he's seething with anger, you can see it written all over his face. 

"I'm gunna go outside for some air." Chris announces blankly while Liam sets you back on the ground, a look of concern on his face.

"You alright bro?" Liam asks with no reply from Chris as he walks out of the door.

You get on with the cleaning up, distracting yourself and hoping Liam hadn't noticed Chris' reaction. You can sense Liam behind you, stood on the spot thinking. He's working it out, he's putting together all the pieces and finally working it out.

"I've worked out what's wrong with Chris." He comes up behind you, emptying the plates into the trash. Fuck, here we go.

"What do you mean?" You ask gently, not really wanting to hear his conclusion.

"You know, the reason why he's been moping about all the time." You don't turn around, you just listen, hiding your face and any reaction you're showing. "Well he's quite obviously jealous of us." He adds. There we go, he's worked it out or he's definitely worked out Chris' part in it all.

You felt your stomach drop, Chris was so obvious it wouldn't take a genius to see something was wrong.

"What makes you say that?" You press, carefully. Your back still turned to Liam while you clean the surfaces.

"Don't tell me you didn't notice how he just acted when I kissed you." Of course you noticed, you just hoped Liam hadn't. It won't be long until he puts all the pieces together and figures this all out, if he hasn't already. You pour the last of the bottle of wine into your glass, gulping it greedily. Lord knows you're going to need it.

"He needs a girlfriend, can't you fix him up with one of your friends?" You can't describe the relief you feel right now and a small twang of jealousy at the thought of Chris with one of your friends.

"I'm sure your brother isn't short of admirers Liam, he doesn't need me to fix him up" Your tone of voice was a little too short. Pull it together.

"I suppose you're right but he doesn't have the best taste in women does he?" You can feel your cheeks burning, you're fighting the urge to defend yourself. Telling Liam his brother had the same taste in women when it came to you, wouldn't go down quite so well would it? 

"I'm seeing someone actually Liam." Chris says, overhearing your conversation as he came back in after finally composing himself.

"Oh really? You never said." Liam asks curiously.

"Yeah, we're keeping it to ourselves for now... Until she tells her boyfriend." What the actual fuck? You can't believe he's just said that, he looks at you defiantly, completely over this whole thing.

Liam nearly spat his drink out and you're sure your cheeks are beetroot red, you don't have a clue what to do in this situation. 

"Is she married? Do I know her?" Liam questions further. You're hoping and praying he stops with the questions, Chris is ready and willing to come clean, you can tell by his expression.

"No not married but you do know her. You know her really well actually." Chris says while avoiding your gaze purposefully...

#chris hemsworth #chris hemsworth fanfic #chris hemsworth smut #chris hemsworth x reader #chris hemsworth x you #smut #angst #liam hemsworth #read this #thor #thor series #thor smut #fanfic #chris fanfiction #fanfiction

[alloftheimaginess]

Little Morgan Pt.2

Part 1

"Last box" my dad says setting it down on the ground.

"Thank you" I say setting it on top of the box he just set down.

"I'm going to ask you again" he says and I laugh.

"Don't, it's kind of too late now. I signed a one year lease. I'm super sure I want this, a year off to spend with you, Savannah and Hank and my younger brother or sister that's going to be born soon" I say.

"How do you know?" He asks and I laugh.

"I'm not dumb. I seen you drinking her wine all night after she drank her very small first glass and I put it together because Savannah not drinking wine is like me not finishing a book" I say and he laughs.

"I guess we should have been more subtle" he says.

"You were, I was just watching you guys" I say and he smiles at me.

"Do you need help unpacking?" He asks and his phone rings and I shake my head.

"No, I kind of don't want to rush through it because I've never actually settled anywhere on my own before so I'm excited to slowly put everything away" I say and he laughs shaking his head.

"You are so weird" he says.

"I know. I get it from my dad" I say and he kisses my head.

"I have to go get Savannah to the doctors, here are your keys and you can give me the u-haul keys so I can take it back and get my car" he says and I go into the kitchen grabbing them and I hand them to him.

"See you tomorrow?" He asks and I nod.

"Only if you're cooking something good" I say laughing.

"I'll let Savannah know" he says walking out and I lock the door behind him.

A week later

"Get back here Gatsby" I yell as he slips out the apartment door when I try to bring my groceries in and I sigh in frustration as I go inside quickly putting my groceries on the cabinet and I go to the door to pick up the other ones.

"Excuse me ma'am, we stopped your cat. We heard you yelling after him when we were headed out" he says and I look up to see Spencer.

"Spencer, hi" I say.

"Yn? You live here?" he asks and I nod smiling at him.

"Yeah, I moved in last week" I say.

"I wonder why my dad didn't tell me you lived in the building" I say.

"Oh no one knows, I just recently moved and no ones been around yet" he says.

"Makes sense" I say and the little boy with him smiles at me and I smile at him.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"I'm Henry" he says.

"Well Henry it's nice to meet you, I'm Yn" I say.

"Nice to meet you too" he says.

"Thanks for saving my cat by the way, I would have been lost without him" I say and he smiles at me.

"No problem" he says.

"Uncle Spencer has your cat so I can help you with your groceries" he says and I smile at him.

"If he says it's okay" I say and he looks up at him, pulling a face.

"Of course you can help" he says.

"Be careful, there's boxes everywhere" I say and he grabs some bags going into the house and I go in behind him and Spencer follows me in.

"I can take Gatsby" I tell Spencer and he hands him over.

"That's his name?" Henry asks and I nod.

"After my favorite book" I say and Henry runs out to grab the other bags.

"So Uncle Spencer?" I ask and he nods smiling at me.

"He's JJ and Will's son" he says.

"I can see that. They have two boys right?" I ask and he nods.

"Henry and Michael" he says and I nod.

“Yes, that’s it" I say.

"I'm still trying to learn everyone and about them but it's a lot at once" I say laughing.

"How long are you out here?" He asks.

"I'm leasing for a year. Taking some much needed time off. But hey thank you for saving my cat, you should let me cook you dinner" I say.

"You don't have to, it's no problem" he says and I shake my head.

"I insist. Could I possibly guilt you into joining me if I tell you I need the human interaction because I'm talking to Gatsby like he's a human" I say giggling.

"You can definitely guilt me into joining you for dinner" he says laughing and I smile at him.

"We can use this dinner as an opportunity to exchange stories because Spencer Reid there's something about you that I can't get enough of" I say smiling and Henry runs back into the room.

"Okay I'm ready to go home now" he says.

"Thank you for your help Henry" I say going to my wallet.

"I'm giving you this as a thank you" I say handing him a ten.

"Thank you. The next time you need help with groceries let me know" he says and I laugh.

"You'll be the first person I call" I say and he grabs Spencer's hand.

"Six tomorrow?" I ask.

"Works for me" he says and I nod showing them to the door.

Seven rolls by and I sit at the table still not having heard from Spencer and I sigh knowing that he probably just got busy and I pull out my phone

You

Hey just checking in making sure you're alright. Haven't heard from you all day

I wait and it just says delivered so I click my phone off and I stand up because I know what this is, growing up with my dad I know there were a lot of things planned that never came to fruition, promises broken, hearts broken and I don't know if I want to put myself through that willingly if I don't have to.

I pour the wine back into the bottle and I put the cork back in and I grab the plates and I empty them into a Tupperware container and I put the garlic bread on the side and I put the lid on and put the plates in the sink and I go finish cleaning off the table and someone urgently knocks on my door and I go over and I open it and it's Spencer "hey I'm so sorry" he says moving his hair out of his face.

"The case ran over and my phone was dead and I couldn't text you to let you know" he says.

"It's okay" I say nodding at him.

"I'll see you around" I say going to shut the door but he stops it.

"I know I probably screwed up the chance of getting to know you but I wanted you to know that I was really excited" he says.

"I'm sure you can understand my hesitation here Spencer. I grew up with my dad working the job you're working and I was hurt and let down a lot more times than I can count and if it's going to be like that I'm going to stop this before I get too involved and end up with my heartbroken because I have to be with someone who isn't all work" I say.

"I understand and you deserve someone who can be there when you need them. Have a good night" he says stepping back.

"Goodnight Spence" I say shutting the door and I go get in the bed, completely upset.

I go to take the neighbors some food at the same time Spencer comes out of his apartment "hey" he says.

"Hi" I say smiling at him.

"It's been a while. How are you?" I ask finally speaking after avoiding him for two weeks.

"I'm good. You?" He asks and I nod at him.

"Where are you headed?" I ask.

"Just to grab a coffee" he says.

"Mind if I join?" I ask and he quickly shakes his head.

"I don't mind at all" he says.

"Give me a second and let me grab my coat" I say and he nods and I run into my apartment and I come back out.

"Hey I want to apologize" I say sighing when I meet back up with him.

"For what?" He asks.

"The night we were supposed to be having dinner" I say.

"I was in my feelings and that's not how I really felt but I was too prideful to talk to you and fix things and I want to go again, to restart and see where this could take us" I say and he smiles at me.

"You have no reason to be sorry, it was on me. But if you want to go again. Will you grab some coffee with me?" He asks and I nod.

"I'd love too" I say and I grab his hand intertwining our fingers, leading us to the coffee shop down the street.

#spencer reid reader insert #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid imagines #Spencer Reid x black!reader #spencer reid #dr spencer reid x y/n #dr spencer reid x reader #dr spencer reid #black!reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds x you #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds reader insert #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #criminal minds x black!reader

[theficplug]

|Next Lifetime|Erik Killmonger|

previous chapters : Part 1 Part 2  Part 3 

erik killmonger x black reader

|part 4|

warnings: um definitely smut this chapter at the end. so 18+ for this chapter! and a possible trigger warning for grief but i promise it gets better and its a romcom.

synopsis:  reader grieves Erik until she doesn’t (i’m trying not give too much away). This one is a long ass chapter. So, grab you a snack and something to drink! I hope y’all like it.

“You promised on our birthday that you would give me something far more special than the charms you would gift to me. In 2018, you wanted to avenge your birth parents and you went off and did something foolish and when you- when they returned you to me you were-.” you struggle for a bit to find the words to explain it all to him as he takes a step back to gather himself. 

He rubs his eyes before grabbing your arms gently and massaging them . He leans down to look you in your eyes before asking “Ma, did you take something before I came to pick you up? You alright? Cause what you saying don’t make no sense at all... Your pupils don't look dilated though.” 

“I know how this must sound. Batshit crazy. I know it sounds crazy to me too. I’m still trying to figure out if I’m losing my own damn mind. I don’t know how or why. I just know that you came back to me.” you say to him and he shakes his head. 

“Erik. You’re talking about your ex boyfriend...The one that passed... . Alright, I’m going to take you home now... I still don’t understand what’s going on here and I’ve had about all I can take of trying to understand what’s going on here.” N’Jadaka says quietly to you before going around and opening your car door. 

The drive was silent as you picked at your nails and let the soft r&b roll over the tension between the two of you. 

Your own thoughts were going in about a billion different directions again. It didn’t feel right to just sit on all of that and not say anything at all. As ripped from a science fiction film as it sounded at least he knows. 

He was never one to think quietly because you could practically read his thoughts with the changing of expressions across his face.

The relief of seeing your building washed over you as he offered to walk you to your door. 

It was bittersweet because there was still so much of him in this different version of him. Even when he was upset with you or livid with whatever ghost that was haunting him back then,  he still showed nothing but tenderness to you.

You nod and give him a small smile before following him up the stairs , to your elevator, and finally your door. 

“I know that this is a lot. I mean who in their right mind would be able to process all of that.I wish there was any other way to say it... But thank you, I had a really nice time.” your soft words snap him out of staring at your face as if he was trying to piece it all together.

He knew deep down that there was something about you and what happened that weekend while dreaming in colours and other worlds but he couldn’t wrap his head around all of this happening in real life.  

You lean up to kiss his cheek and he grabs your shoulders softly. “With all due respect. You seem like a lovely person and a good woman, but I just - this all a lil too weird for me and I don’t think it’s a good idea that we continue seeing each other.” 

He kisses your hand and leaves with one look over your shoulder as you call out “Meet me at our spot. If you are still anywhere in there. You’ll know what I mean.”

“What the hell happened ? I didn’t expect you back until tomorrow morning?” Iri says as she settles on the other side of the sofa and patted the spot next to her as you kick off the sandals and lay your head on her lap with tears already prickling your eyes. 

“Oh you didn’t? Please don’t tell me you told him about the soulmate reincarnation thing? Sweets, you probably scared the hell out of that man. We needed you to keep that waaay down in the vault.” Tiki adds as she pops the cork off the bottle of wine in her hand and pauses the movie playing on the screen in the background. 

“Here’s what we’re gonna do . You’re gonna text him and tell him that you had just gotten your wisdom teeth removed earlier today and the meds had you unexpectedly zooted as fuck. “ Iri suggests and you chuckle softly.

---

Meanwhile at N’Jadaka’s house he was already being pestered by Lina and Penn for some type of details about what happened during the date. Orleans was already in the kitchen cooking and ear hustling but went back to his conversation on the phone with Big Mike when he realized there wasn’t any tea. 

“I don’t feel good. I’m finna go lay down. I’ll talk to y’all in the morning”. He says simply to them before trudging his way to his part of the house.

They had been friends since college and just got used to the idea of living together as they did in the dorms so they made it work after graduation. 

It helped them save money for when they finally separated and all of their schedules kept them busy so they didn't have time to get sick of each other. They also knew him well enough to know when something was bothering him and to leave him alone when he gets this moody.

"What the fuck?" He whispered under his breath 

"What the fuck was all that?" He continues talking to himself as he strips and walks past the bathroom mirror to the shower. 

He stops when something catches his eye. He sees a birthmark on his chest that almost resembles the shape of claw marks. He lets his fingers linger over the mark for a second. Thoughts of a panther mask clouded his memories for a moment before he shook his head and entered the shower. 

---

A few hours later of talking through it with your girls about possibly seeing a therapist about all that's going on and you were ready for bed. 

It didn't take long to drift off, you were ready to put the whole thing behind you. 

The familiar setting of purples , pinks, and hues of blue came into focus and you looked around letting the butterflies land on you again.

 You walk through the flowers and find Erik sitting by a stream of water weaving some of the flowers together. 

"What the hell, E?" You ask as you run over to him and wrap your arms around his neck

He turns to you and smiles big , his dimples on full display before shrugging. 

"It ain't perfect but it's the best I could do. They said it's like a do-over or something like that. I get a second chance but as a result of the way I did things the first time it's a lil different. Like when you restore a computer and it lose all it's files and shit. I get a new life but I'm still kinda stuck. I kinda like it though. I don't remember all the other shit when I'm awake. It really is like starting over. Shits crazy to explain when you think about it. But for you , you already know. I'd find you in this life and the next and the one after that. I don’t think I’mma ever fully remember what happened with all of that when i’m awake. I’m cool with it. It ain’t something I’m tryna remember." He says tipping your chin up to look at you and kissing you softly 

"I know. At least I get to hold you in the real world. It's just different. But guess what I saw today? I seen that bench that you and me signed all them years back. It's still there." You say to him and he places the lil flower bracelet around your wrist as y'all sit and talk for the rest of the night.

By the time you wake up with the aroma of breakfast wavering throughout the loft you feel a little better about the whole situation with Erik, not Erik. 

You opened your phone and sent him an I'm sorry gif with a few extra words inspired by Tina's wisdom tooth lie. 

 After easing into the kitchen and standing in the doorway you see the two lovebirds dancing around the kitchen singing to each other and laying food on the plates. 

"Morning lil sleepy head. Don't forget that I'll still be coming down to the center with you today for the seminar. You hungry?" Iris asks as she places the plate in your hands with a kiss to the top of the head. 

"Of course. There's a young girl, Sophie there that I really think would love to talk to you. She's just starting her transition. And her parents are wonderful but they don't really have much money. She hasn't really had the chance to get more “feminine” presenting clothes and she likes makeup.  " You say and she nods catching your drift.

"Well it'd brighten anybody's day seeing a beautiful successful trans woman like myself honey. But let's lift her spirits even more. I'm gonna bring some of the makeup I got from pr packages and some of the clothes from this collection. I really hope it helps." She answers and Tika just saunters over to her proclaiming her love for her. 

"Alright alright alright. I get it. I'm single as hell." You say laughing softly

---

Two weeks ticked by with radio silence on N'Jadaka's end. After the 4th day when he gave you the cold shoulder at a coffee shop, you decided to stop trying.

Maybe it wasn't fate and maybe you were just believing what you wanted to believe. 

You reason with yourself as you walked around the loft making notes about the new housing project you were working on. 

Finally having the house to yourself with the lovebirds gone for the day on a little adventure. You got to work budgeting and calling different areas to rent out apartments to you for women and lgbtq+ with housing insecurities. 

Your ramblings and thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door , thinking that Iri or Tika left something behind. 

"I told you to take your sunscre- Daka?" You question as he stands in front of you

You cross your arms and furrow your brows while waiting for an answer from him.

He stands for a moment like he’s trying to gather all of his thoughts together in a way that makes sense to both of you. 

"What're you doing here?" You ask putting your hand on your hip. 

He drops his shoulders and lets out a soft sigh before looking at you.

"I didn't wanna believe it. What you said that night cause like how the fuck does something like that happen? I’mma be honest.  I wanted to just believe that you were a lil off and leave it at that but something keeps telling me that you right. I can't remember shit before college and all I wanted to do was be with you. From the moment I met you in the store. I was like, this is it. This is what's missing. A piece to a puzzle that's all jumbled up." He admits and you nod slowly before letting him in. 

You walk around the kitchen getting a cup of tea for yourself and sitting a cup of coffee down on the counter for him.

“Don’t worry it’s black, I know you dont like it sweet.”

"You know I didn't exactly expect my fiancee that I buried months before to show up at a damn supermarket of all places. This isn't some movie or fanfiction. These kind of things don't happen in real life. Daka you, you had claw marks all over you. The last time I laid eyes on you. And now you're here in front of me. I thought that I was losing my mind." You say and he starts to unbutton his shirt.

"These." He says peeling his shirt off and showing you the birthmarks on his chest and shoulder.

You trace your fingers over it before leaning your head on his shoulder. 

"I asked my parents about my childhood and when I passed by my old neighborhood a few days ago andI remembered some things. I remember what happened to my other parents, in pieces. Shit’s brutal." He says dropping his gaze

"It's okay." You whisper to him and wrap your arms around him. You rocked him for a moment letting him let all of those feelings wash over him. 

He embraced you for a moment before kissing you tenderly. You tug at his bottom lip before deepening the kiss when he press you against the counter. 

"We'll figure it out... Something telling me I'd be a fuckin fool to lose you again." He says quietly against yours lips. 

"Are you gonna make love to me or are you going to keep looking at me like that?" You ask as he studies your whole face like he's looking at art. 

"A memory. It's you. We stood right here and I kissed you the same way. You were saying something like "you bring yourself home to me"." He says and you nod frantically, holding him closer to you.

"I did. It was right before you left." You admit and he nods before lifting you up onto the counter and kissing you heatedly this time. He kisses down to your breasts before looking up at permission from you to unhook your bra. 

Always a man that knows what he's doing. He takes kisses around your breasts and nipples. He takes his time to lick and caress you until he works his way down.

You shake your head yes before moving to slide off your panties but his kisses and his mouth is already beating you to it as he kisses down to your thigh.

He slides your panties off with his teeth and tosses them over his shoulder. 

You tilt your head back as you feel him wasting no time massaging over your clit and working you over with his fingers, curling them and stroking you gently. 

Your soft moans fill the room when he hooks your leg over his shoulder and begins to suckle your clit softly , swirling his tongue over it. 

"Tika will kil- Ooh god. How does your tongue feel like it's vibrating?" You ask and he only chuckles and grips onto your cheeks to bring you closer to him.

He was feasting on and devouring you like he was going to lose again and you could grind your hips down against his tongue and moan his name sweetly.

He didn't stop his tongue or fingers working in you until your legs are shaking and you're gripping at his head. 

"You have- fuck. I'm a squir-" you moan his name brokenly while trying to get out your words and lean back for a moment licking his lips before realizing what you're trying to say.

"Hold that for me. I wanna come with you." He says to you and you pout and protest as he removes his fingers. He picks you up off the counter and carries you bridal style asking you which room is yours.

"Left , left." You giggle into his shoulder as he helps you slide your dress off and you unbutton his jeans for him. 

You capture him in a kiss for a moment feeling his soft plump lips against yours again for the first time in what feels like forever. 

"It's been a long time since I've done all of this. . . Gentle." You say and he runs a calloused finger over your cheek moving a curl away from your face as he looks at you. 

He gets a quick flash of a memory of you and him in bed. You wore a smile on your face before telling him "happy anniversary".

He trailed his fingers down your body remembering almost every scar , every moment. 

When Erik got to a scar at your side. He chuckled, unlocking a memory of you two running from the neighborhood rottweiler , Smokey. 

That old ass dog hated you and he hoisted you over the fence first after being out late one night in high school. The gate had caught your side when you jumped. 

Erik felt so bad he brought you food from anywhere you wanted everyday from to school for a month. 

He leans down to place open mouthed kisses to it. 

He traced over your thighs to the cellulite and stretch marks remembering when you first got them. 

He was moving homes at the time and he wasn't ready to be further away from you yet.  You two just sat for hours at the park in the grass, talking. 

" You know white men behind all of that anyways. They want y'all to feel like you gotta look the same way. That's how they make them billions. My mama had 'em . Yo mama , and generations back. And it ain't ever stop them from being the women they are. Besides if any dirtneck nigga ever try you , just tell me. Imma handle it." He would say as you sat with your head on his lap, staring at the sun setting, knowing good and well your grandparents were gonna ground you for being late when you get home. 

They never did though cause you were with Erik they knew you were gonna be alright. 

"Nothing to worry about. I… I've never done any of that stuff before…Have you?" you question hesitantly as you stare off. 

"Tisha. From Ms. Wilkes class. We was coming from the kick back-" 

"Uh uh . That's your business , you ain't gotta tell me all of that." You say slightly upset at the fact that Tisha of all people was his first. 

----

"I got you." He says kissing your forehead then your nose before hooking your leg over his hip and easing into you slowly while his lips are still on yours. His eyes never left yours as he cupped your face sweetly like he didn't want to lose you again. 

In this moment he gets a glimpse of prom night and how things changed between the both of you forever. 

He wraps his hands around your waist. One of his hands splayed across your belly. 

He remembers the pregnancy scare you both had afterwards with him holding your hand and telling you no matter what happens he wanna be there for both of you.

Luckily, nothing came of it but you were definitely closer because of it.

You let out an open mouthed gasp at the feeling of being so full of him after so long. 

You rest your hands on his neck and shoulder and he bottoms out fully settling into you as he moves his arms next to  balance himself. 

You close your eyes as he begins to stroke into you trying to set a rhythm for you as his praises for you fall from his lips. 

He kisses his way down your neck licking the marks that are already starting to form there. 

"My lil baby." He mutters out after licking a freshly formed hickey forming on top of your breasts. 

You open your eyes slowly , looking at him and the way he's looking at you . 

"It's been way too long since I've heard that from you. You're remembering?" You ask quietly as you let out a soft moan.

N'Jadaka's muscles flex and tighten as he picks up his pace. His abs clenched as he  pulls out almost completely and filled you at a different angle.

 The sounds of your moans filling the room with every stride and stroke of his hips,  it seems like you're closer to floating in space. The man was fucking you like his life depended on it and at this point all you could do is wrap your arms around him again to comfort you as he shutters and rolls his hips deeper into you. Your walls tighten around him as you relish in the feeling of him. 

"Fuck. I remember all of it." He says half chuckling at the way it's coming to him and half nearly in tears cause he really missed being with you. 

"I also remember that this is your favourite position cause you like to see my face." He teases before leaning down to kiss you again with them plump ass lips.

"E?" You ask , grabbing his face with trembling hands.

"Baby?" You ask again 

He moves his hands from your waist and places your hands in his. Then moving them above your head as he flashes in between making love to you for the last time and now.

You roll over with him and place your hands on your chest riding him slowly getting the rhythm as he strokes into you from below. 

He laughs softly when he realizes what you're doing. 

"Are you spelling my fucking name , baby?" He asks and you tell him that you can spell both.

You let out a whimper when he brushes your spot and let him take over as he runs his hands over your thighs to your butt and over your back as he strokes into you. 

He plants his feet on the bed and work your hips in rhythm with him. 

It didn't take long for you to orgasm with a loud shriek of his name . You had forgotten how he gets when he's close as his hands on gripping all over your thighs and your back. You were already feeling sensitive with your second orgasm coming through and this man felt like he was trying to put it in your belly. 

He rolls you onto your side giving it to you deeply. 

With a loud hiss and panting from him he cums , holding you in his arms.

"I don't think it has felt like that since our birthday last year." He says into your ear as he pulls you closer into his arms. 

He engulfs you fully in his embrace and presses a kiss to the side of your head. 

You laugh softly and roll over to face him , resting your forehead against his.

"I remember. You took me to Paris. I had never been and at the time I was obsessed with everything Parisian. We fucked on the balcony and somehow I ended up popping the straps to my favorite dress. You still owe me by the way." You tease and he shakes his head laughing. 

"I think we ended up saving they marriage from across the way though. They was arguing the whole time. Then they gon watch us like we ain't see them." Erik says laughing as he squeezes your thigh playfully.

"I know they was trying some things." You joke 

"I missed you so much. You don't even understand." You admit with a somehow saddened and relieved expression. 

"I know.  I want to start over this time. All of that Erik Killmonger shit is over with. I wanna keep the name N'Jadaka and just start over. All of that was too heavy on me to carry. I wanna let it all go. I wanna do it right with you." He explains 

"Good because if you put me through that again. Wakanda will be the least of your damn worries." You say to him and he nods giving you his word, sealed with a kiss.

"It'll be alright. Everything happens for a reason. And I think that right now a bath needs to happen and I'm gonna need you to do that thing again that you did in the kitchen cause I'm tryna figure out when you learned that-" 

At some point after the bubble bath/ shower combo you were both out like a light until Iri and Tika decide to come busting in like they usually do with little gifts and food for you. 

"Guess who's your fave- SHE GOT A WHOLEASS MAN IN HER BED" Iri announces to Tika before your pillow hits the door as she closes it. 

"Sorry about that. This is kinda our cuddle hour so they're used to just coming on in." You say sleepily and he just laughs it off while holding you closer. 

"It's all good. I remember that I ain't know them much before but when we did spend time with them, they were good people." He says, still trying to piece it together.  

----

You fell asleep more peacefully than you had in a long time. Now granted, good sex didn't fix the many layers of issues and mysticism surrounding everything.

But for now, you knew that you had him, you had your girls, family and your business. Everything felt alright again. 

Right up until the point of sleeping through the first alarm to meet the property owners.

"Bae. Bae your phone going off." N'Jadaka whispers in the dark room , voice still riddled with sleep and grogginess. 

"Shit. Shit. I'm gonna be so late." You call out , quickly jumping out of bed and stumbling around the room. 

It takes you about 25 minutes to speed through getting dressed in your best skirt suit. 

N'Jadaka sits on the end of the bed putting on his shoes and watching you shuffle around. 

He had offered to drive you there and stay with you and check out the property with you. 

He slows you down by grabbing you by your arms gently and placing a kiss to your lips. 

"Good morning, handsome. Let's go" 

You walk through the living room with Iri and Tika already posted up in the kitchen placing two breakfast burritos in a container to grab and go. 

You grab your things from the counter all while thanking them and jetting towards the door.

"Good luck pooh!" Tika calls after you. 

"Byyyyeeee Dakaaaa" they call out after him

---

"Here it is . These are the apartments. I know they don't look like much now from the outside. But from the pictures it looks great. And they'll be safe and comfortable here-" you babble on to N'Jadaka while you both stand outside of the building where Erik grew up , until you notice two women walking to  a car that clearly wasn't from this area. 

You notice Shuri and your breath hitches in your throat. 

Frozen in your anxiety, the seconds ticked by and it was too late to leave. She looked you dead in the eye and then at N'Jadaka like she had seen a ghost.

She gasped and Nakia followed the eyes before back into the car. 

"SHURI WAIT - PLEASE" you yell out to them but the car was already speeding  away. 

tag list : @doublesidedscoobysnacks @chaneajoyyy @mirandkimy @doitforthevine67​ @amyhennessyhouse @dasia21​ @depressionandfandomsinc @sinfully-dope @ambitionwood @heybriheyyy @wholelotta-melanin @theesotericqueen​ @mbakuwife​ @spookys-girl @teardropzih @bigchoose @ceo-of-baby @sweetpeachjones @lost-ssoull  @shyblackgurl @justpeachee @nijajoha @imayhavemisunderstood @beautifullmelodyxx​ @alookintohersoul @rbhp @champagnesugamama​ @just-peachee @almeda-344  @mahogany2021 

#black panther #erik killmonger #black panther smut #erik killmonger smut #Erik killmonger x Reader #fanfic for black girls

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-Five [PT. 1]

Part Eighty-Five [PT. 2]

Words: 5.5k

Warning(s): explicit language, explicit sexual situations, mentions of drug abuse

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NIKKI

My lawyer looks completely unimpressed with my lack of shoes, shirt, and dignity as he leans back in his chair behind his desk, rubbing his temples. 

"It doesn't work like that, Nikki, I'm afraid." He informs me finally, sitting up and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his desk. 

"I was declared dead for two minutes. I died. My wife's technically a widow." 

"You can't annul a four year marriage on the basis of 'I died for two minutes.' Some cases of actual death, it can take an act of congress for widow or widower to have an annulment for a marriage where their spouse is no longer alive, legitimately." He explains and I roll my eyes. 

"So, what, I just get some divorce papers or something?" 

"Unless I declare mental incapacity given that you went through a traumatic series of events within the last twenty-four hours and this could possibly be a very serious lapse in judgement." He argues and I stare at him.

"Stop pulling my dick." 

"I'm not 'pulling your dick.' I just don't want you to make this decision and then regret it when your head clears." 

I managed to wear him down and by the next morning, he left the papers by Tommy's door after Vince mentioned to me that Viv stayed over there with Tommy and Heather.

When I get home, Karen opens the door and looks at me, wide eyed and confused. 

"H-Hey?" She says as I push past her and go to the phone, opting to change my answering machine. 

"Hey, it's Nikki." I say. "I'm not here because I'm dead." 

Karen just looks at me, astounded, and I go to my room, slamming the door. 

I was good and tired and glutton for punishment because I got home that night and loaded up the biggest shot of smack I could muster and pulled the trigger.

I wake up with a sharp pain in the crook of my arm, a needle still in my skin as blood trails my forearm to collect in my palm...Jesus fucking Christ, I've officially lost it. 

I take the needle out and force myself up to trudge to the living room to check my messages. 

Things like, "You're an asshole," and "that's not funny," tend to be the common theme. 

I guess I need to change my answering machine. 

I comb through to see if I have anything from Viv. 

Now would be a good time to hear her bitch me out for almost making her kill herself--because, lets face it, she's gonna blame it on me, anyway. 

Nothing's found, though. 

"Fuck, Vivian." I sigh out, sitting on the carpet in the living room, rubbing my forehead as a new message comes on…

"You fucker, you would be the one to fucking OD and die and then get up right after and file for divorce as if she doesn't have enough shit going on, already." 

I furrow my brows at the voice. 

"Axl the Twat?" I say aloud, confused, as he finishes with, "fuck you, you fucking fuck." 

He hangs up and I raise my brows. 

Did I die and wake up in a parallel universe? Axl defending Vivian? 

Is this hell? 

It cuts to the last message. 

"Hey, umm...I don't know if you'll get this or not or if…" Vanity. "...I don't know what's going on but I heard something terrible on the radio and I suppose it was true--well, kind of, um…" she sighs. "We're not together anymore and I get that I just hope you're o--"

"Fuck that." I grumble, hitting delete. 

I fall back and I look up at myself. 

It's fucked that I bought this fucking house for Viv, and she's not even staying in it anymore. 

I feel like I promised her so much and haven't given a damn thing to her except reasons to want to throw herself off of balconies.

I look down at my arm, dried blood still on my skin. 

I'm fucking tired of this shit. 

I let my complete exhaustion of being sick fuel me to dig through everything I own and throw out all of my rigs, any other drugs in my path, and even pour everything to get drunk off of down the sink--even the fucking cooking-wine. 

Vivian's somewhere catching the holy spirit, probably, just sensing I'm finally fucking done. 

Or she's somewhere in tears over me finally taking the final step to end our relationship. 

I feel like it's dead in every way aside from legal. 

Whisky's laying by the door, whining when I step over him to go throw the big garbage bag out. 

I'd get down there and whine for her, too, but I know this is what needs to be done. 

Our entire relationship has just been one giant clusterfuck, and I don't want to put her through the bullshit of having to try to forgive me and trust me, again. 

I think I've already stolen enough of her peace of mind. 

She'll be happier with Duff, anyway. He's a good guy. A hell of a lot more suited for her than I am. 

My hand rubs the back of my neck and I realize I'm still wearing the small crucifix of her's. 

I'm tempted not to give it back. 

I just sigh and throw the trash out and get back in the house, getting in the shower. 

When I get out, I ruffle a towel through my hair, seeing the light blinking on my answering machine. 

I go over and try to keep myself from getting too excited at the thought of it being Viv before I hit play on my messages. 

"Nikki, it's Doc. I know you feel like horseshit right about now but I need you to come down to the office at 5:00p.m., we're getting you guys together because we need to talk. See you then--preferebly kinda sober and coherent." 

Turns out I'll have my ass chewed by Doc before Viv, after all. 

I know he came down to the hospital and tore Slash and the guys new ones while I was unconscious. 

I'm digging in my garbage for a couple pills to dull down my future shakes that I just know are gonna be coming before sundown. 

Despite being not in shape to fucking drive anywhere, I still go because I know if I don't go, Doc will come here and I don't need him here. 

It's morbid walking into the office to see Vince, Tommy, and Mick sitting and waiting for me while Doc sits behind his desk. 

"Fuck me." I complain out loud, dreading what Doc's about to go on about. 

"Sit." Doc tells me and I plop down beside Tommy, sighing, and Doc waits a minute before saying, "I canceled the European tour."

"What?" Vince asks and Mick furrows his brows. 

"What the fuck, Doc--"

"--Shut the fuck up and listen." He cuts me off while Tommy nervously shakes his leg. "If you bastards go to Europe, one of you will come back in a body bag. And I'm not gonna be the fucking manager that runs Mötley Crüe into the ground." He states harshly. 

"That's a fucking first." I laugh out, meanly, and Doc glares at me. "Guess dead rockstars don't make as much money as alive ones, huh? I coulda told ya that after Razzle--"

"--Nikki." Mick states. 

"Where's my wife?" I snap next. 

"Oh, the one you so stupidly filed for divorce from without giving me a heads up first? Probably with her friends that haven't put her through the ringer and fucked her over time and time again." He states. 

"I didn't know I needed permission to make decisions in my personal life--that have nothing to do with Mötley Crüe." 

"Are you two just gonna argue or are we gonna actually talk about why we're here because I have things to do." Vince grumbles. 

"Tommy came to me and told me he's thinking about rehab." Doc tells us and I glance at Tommy, who's avoiding looking at anybody. "I'm not taking Mötley Crüe on tour again, in a studio, whatever, until you guys get your act together." 

We all look at each other, exhaling, and I rub my lips together. 

"Fine." Vince sighs, and Doc looks at Tommy.

He nods. 

"Nikki?" Doc asks and I just stare at him. 

The guys are gone in a few minutes, leaving just me and Doc and I stand up. 

"I wanna see Viv." I tell Doc as he digs through some files, and he looks up and blinks from behind his desk, 

"She said she's not seeing you until you get help." Doc states. 

"She says that but I bet I could find her tonight and still get her under me in less than three minutes." 

"Assuming she's not still under Duff." Doc says and I tense up. "You think I didn't notice how questionably close they got on tour?" He adds. 

"She's going through a crisis." I reply. 

"Can't imagine why." He mumbles. 

"Just tell me where she's at, Doc." I snap. 

"You look like shit. You need to go home and get some fuckin' rest because you're all checking in tomorrow afternoon." He adds. 

"I'm not going anywhere until I see my wife."

"You mean the wife you filed for divorce from?" He questions and I roll my jaw. "Your wife is resting. You should, too."

1981

I fumble for my key to the apartment, cussing under my breath when I can't get the door opened. 

"Motherfucker." I hiss, finally getting it unlocked and shoving it open…

I slam it shut and toss my keys across the room, hearing Tommy and Vince's room door creak open. 

Vivian crosses her arms, a scowl on her face, her hair tousled from sleep. 

"Could you be any louder?" She snaps, shutting the door behind her, going to the kitchen.

My eyes run up and down her long legs as she heads that way, only in one of Tommy's t-shirts and panties. 

Fuck. Me. 

I go to grab the bottle of Jack on the counter, taking a sip as she gulps some water down, a droplet escaping the glass as she drinks, rolling down her chin to her neck and I watch it, my burning throat getting dry as I try to pull myself together, my prick starting to push against my pants. 

Damnit. 

It's like the sane part of myself is trying to slap the hopelessly horny part of me. 

She's fucking evil, dude, fuck off, I tell myself. 

She's hot. 

You hate each other. 

I wonder what weird shit she's into in bed. 

She's a bitch. You know she's a bitch. Leave her alone. 

Oh, I forgot she's supposedly a virgin.

Go to bed, dumbfuck. GO TO BED. 

That means I get to watch her experience stuff for the first time.

I end up chuckling, amused at the thought of seeing her pretty eyes roll in her head as pleasure bombards her for the first time. 

"What?" She snaps, and I realize I've been staring at her. 

I'm about to answer until I get caught up at the sight of her nipples peering through her shirt...fuck me. 

"Nikki," she shoves at my shoulder, making me take my eyes off of her chest.

She just scoffs. 

"Go touch yourself in the bathroom or something. Jesus." She puts the glass down and walks past me to go back to Tommy's room.

See? Evil. 

I ignore the voice of reason and I catch her wrist and stop her, yanking her closer to me. 

She looks like a deer in headlights for a minute before I'm grabbing at her hair closest to her neck and pulling her to me, kissing her. 

It's a pretty clean kiss, no tongue, no mess, just testing the waters. 

She doesn't push me away or beat me up like I always thought she would do, instead, when I pull away for a moment, she takes a breath, wide eyed, before grabbing me by my jacket, pulling me back in. 

I'm surprised but I don't let it get in the way, taking lead a little to guide her. 

For someone who's never been kissed before (again, allegedly) she's not awful at it like I expected--well, I didn't expect her to be awful because she's never kissed anybody, I expected her to be awful because she's so mean to me. 

Her hands push my jacket off my shoulders and I push my tongue past her lips, coaxing a quiet moan from her. 

Holy shit. 

My hands go to her ass and she grasps at my hair as I pick her up, her legs wrapping around me. 

Just to see if we're on a standard starting basis of common interests, I lift one of my hands and bring it back down, not too hard, but hard enough, and she hums, fucking biting my bottom lip and grinding into me a couple times. 

I have to keep from creaming my pants just by her moving against me. 

You're being stupid, I tell myself, but I can't bring myself to leave her alone now. 

She's been the forbidden fruit or whatever for months now and I just gotta have it. 

I take her to my room and kick the door shut with my foot, taking her to the shitty mattress on the floor. 

I drop her onto it, seeing her in the glow of streetlights. 

"Take your shirt off." I say, lowly, and she rubs her lips together and slowly pulls it over her head, her bare chest exposed and my dick's practically throbbing at this point. 

I take her crucifix in my hand, and she looks down at it as I lick my lips. 

She unfastens it and throws it aside. 

I lean down and kiss her again, trailing down her neck, my tongue against her skin and she gasps out a sharp breath, her hands pulling at my shirt. 

I take it off and she's sitting up and running her palms over my shoulders, down my chest, and I grasp her around her throat, pushing her back to the mattress and I feel a little shiver go up her spine. 

My tongue circles one of her nipples and she lets out bated breaths as I take it between my teeth. 

She moans, loudly, and I move my hand to her mouth. 

"Shh!" I say. "You're gonna wake them up." I add and she nods. 

I do the same to her other breast, with my hand over her mouth, but then I get an idea. 

A glorious, completely selfish idea. 

I take my hand off of her mouth and smirk before kissing the middle of her chest, one of her top ribs, biting into it, hard, making her scratch at my shoulder while covering her own mouth as a sharp moan is forced from her.

I run my tongue over the bite mark and continue down her stomach, stopping at the top of her panties, glancing at her. 

She's still breathing heavy, hands covering her chest, tilting her head to see me. 

I run my hand over her clothed core, a little noise coming from her throat, feeling a big wet spot over her cunt. 

She lifts her hips and starts pulling them down and I take them and discard them, running my fingertips up the inside of her thigh before I rub my thumb around her clit that's slickened wet. 

Her hands jolt to mine between her legs, her back arching, trying her hardest not to be loud. 

I tug her to the edge of the mattress, and grab one of her hands, replacing mine with it before I'm looming over her for a moment. "Touch yourself." I tell her, my lips brushing against hers and I can tell she's blushing under the dark of the room. "C'mon, it's hot, just do what feels good." I add, my lips pressing against hers for a moment before I feel her hand move, a delicate gasp coming from her and I pull my lips from hers to watch her face. 

Her eyes close, her head tilts back while her other hand tangles in her hair. 

I stand up to take my pants off, grabbing at my painfully hard cock when she bucks her hips against her frail fingers. 

"Nikki," she says, eyes still shut, head back, and I rub my hands down my face. 

We haven't even fucked yet and I can already tell she's gonna make me a fucking idiot. 

I get my pants off and run my thumb over my tip and get some precum on it, leaning down and holding it up to her lips. 

"Hold your tongue out," I tell her and she opens her eyes and looks at me, before doing as I say. 

The pad of my thumb rubs it over her tongue and she lets out a satisfied sigh, looking up at me as I lick her spit off my thumb. 

I get back up on my feet for a moment and she gets up and crawls to the foot of the bed, her eyes on my prick, hunger in her eyes…

Nice try, evil bitch, you're not stealing my soul by sucking it through my dick. 

I grab her hair and make her look at me. 

"Lay down." I tell her and doesn't argue, eyes still ravenous…

I kiss up her kneecap to her thigh, sliding up and up until--

"Oh, fuck!" She whimpers out when my tongue swirls her clit around, getting the first taste of Saint Viv. 

My eyes are the ones to roll back, now. 

Holy shit. 

It's good because she's Satan and needs something to trap you with, that little voice comes back. 

Her hands find my hair, her lips find my name and if I don't get ahold of myself, I'll be finding God based on this experience alone.

Apparently she's finding him right now because all she can muster out is, "oh, God." 

I find a good rhythm with my tongue, her pussy starting to grind against my face as teasing, little sultry moans flutter through the room. 

After a minute I feel her body tense up, and I pat myself on the back as she comes, my tongue lapping at her entrance to get drunk off of her, my hands running over her stomach and thighs. 

Vivian claims we just went right into sex without doing anything aside from making out before hand but I distinctly remember going down on her. She must've blacked out once she realized we were about to fool around or something but I remember that happening because it was something I'd dreamed up doing ever since I met her, creepy but honest.

I pry myself from her to grab a rubber behind the head of the mattress, the both of us pulling ourselves up there.

I get it on and turn over, getting on top of her. 

She's already hooking her legs around me before I even line myself up with her. 

She looks like she's high or drunk, eyes nearly shut, her lip between her teeth, her head tilted slightly, exposing her neck. 

I lean down and kiss her neck, her skin damp with sweat and she sighs. 

I rub my tip against her opening and she closes her eyes. 

I push into her, having to coach myself through because fuck her pussy is tight, and she winces, her mouth opening but nothing coming out. I'm about to ask her if she's alright when she speaks first. 

"Take it off." She tells me. 

"What?" 

"The condom, take it off." 

"Are you trying to trap me or something?" I snap at her. 

"I wanna feel you." She tells me softly, and I guess it's kinda sweet, or primal, whatever. 

I pull out of her and take the condom off, dropping it by the bed before I'm pushing back into her. 

We both moan, and I can feel her body stretching to accommodate my entrance, her face showing pain. 

I pullout again, but before I can get out completely, she pulls me back in with her legs, letting out a high pitched breath. 

More of her juices coat over my cock. 

"Fuck, Vivian," I say it, thrusting into her again and she wraps her arms around my back, hugging me to her, and my lips find hers as I push into her again, and again, roughly, the feeling of heaven washing over me each time I go back inside her. 

I make her take every inch, forcing myself to fit the last inch and a half despite her body not having room, and she writhes underneath me. 

"I think I'm bleeding." She tells me breathlessly and I think she wants me to back off or get off her, but when I go to, she says, "No, keep going, it feels good." 

The look on her face is a clear indication that she's into it. 

I'm kind of shocked that churchy Vivian is into the same shit I'm into, and I grab her throat, again, and kiss her, our tongues moving together. 

"I wanna get on top next." She tells me through moans. 

"Why?" I ask. 

"I wanna see it." She says and I furrow my brows for a second before I catch on. 

I'm rolling off of her and onto my back, my hands running up her thighs and waist when she gets on top of me, and I grab myself as she straddles me, pushing it against her before my hands pull  her down onto me. 

She screws her eyes shut, as she sinks down to the hilt, her thighs shaking, and I hit her ass cheek as hard as I can and she gets so tight around me I can't pull out until she relaxes. 

"You can't do that shit." I tell her harshly, biting back my urge to go ahead and come, and she relaxes a little more as my hands hold at her waist, guiding her movements since she's never done this before. 

"Does it feel good?" I ask her, her little moans and whimpers getting me even more hot and bothered. 

"Yes," she nods, tipping her head back. "So good."

I look between us, clear view of her pussy taking it, and I sigh. 

"It looks good, too." I tell her and she leans down over me, her forehead against my chest as she watches me fuck her for a moment before looking at me, kissing me sloppily, her chest pressing against mine making her sigh when her nipples brush against my skin. 

When she pulls away, I'm sticking two fingers in her mouth, taking her by surprise but she starts sucking on them in a second, and I force them down her throat, making her gag, as I start pounding into her, making her nearly shriek out but I gag her with my hand around her throat. 

"You're so pretty." I tell her, spit all down her chin from choking on my fingers, eyes nearly shut, my hand around her throat, and I glance down between us, licking my lips. "That pussy's pretty, too." I add and she cries out when my other hand starts rubbing at her clit. 

I take my hand from her throat and she gasps for air. 

"Nikki, I'm--" 

She can't finish. 

I roll onto her again, getting on my knees and lift her hips, continuing to hammer into her roughly and her eyes go to the back of her head, as her cum soaks the both of us. 

Why the fuck didn't she tell me she can come like that? 

I feel myself reaching my own end and go to pull out but she tugs me onto her, kissing me, her legs snaking around me. 

At first I don't think she realizes I'm about to blow my kids everywhere, then when I try to pullout, she says, "do it in me, I've heard it feels good."

I look at her like she's crazy because it's something I'd never expect her to say. 

"Please, Nikki, let me have it." 

I don't have time to argue because I'm finishing with a grunt and a satisfied smile at the sight of tears of pleasure in her eyes before her lids screw shut, her mouth open as a moan leaves her, her body sparking off with shivers. 

I let her have it.

"You're a slut." I tell her, thrusting into her a couple more times and she hums at my words. 

"Shut up." She says next and I kiss her one last time before rolling off of her. 

She pulls the covers over her chest and closes her eyes, tired, and I watch her for a moment. 

Okay, she may not be a slut, but I know she's gonna be able to get away with murder and I'm gonna let her because she's fucking Vivian. 

I ran myself into my own grave, but heroin and Vivian were major catalysts, but I know I was a catalyst for her own rock bottom, too. We were just too fucking young to know better, I guess. We fell in love and got hooked on playing house without actually stopping to think what all it would look like. Of course, neither of us expected me to be on smack, neither of us expected me to reach the level of stupidity that I reached with Vanity, and neither of us expected her to be conceiving a lovechild while I was next door dying, and I certainly didn't expect to file for divorce first, if at all. I remember that first night together in that shitty apartment got me hooked on her. Not just sex, I actually started listening to what she had to say after that, and wanting to have conversations, and hangout...I fell in love and she made it easy for me to. It was like boiling a frog. Things got worse and worse slowly overtime until BAM! I had Vanity, crack, and junk, and Vivian had Duff and a secret savings account she didn't think our lawyer would get record of. I was pissed, but I knew it was my fault. 

All of it was. 

I had promised her the world and instead stole everything from her like a life-sucking demon. 

She wasn't the evil, manipulative bitch. 

I was.

#nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug

[savysavannah]

Challenge 1

Special thanks to @damian-schreave and @hadleyjaneharper for the rps.

Also the last section is not in fic format because its 2am, im lazy, and you get the gyst from the RP. Apperantly this is too long so part 2 soon.

    The Prince was off in Paloma for a bit so we were of little use in the Palace, no idea why they had us move in so early. Therefore, I’d spent most of the day with some books I’d grabbed from the library. Primarily they were legal books since it never hurts to brush up. But every once in a while, such as now I’d need to go and grab some food. 

I brought my notepad and a book on contract law with me and walked into the kitchen. There was another girl also in the kitchen. We haven't spoken to each other, she didn’t seem unfriendly or particularly awful company, just hadn’t really had the moment to. I grabbed a plate of fruit and wondered if she would say anything. After a moment I sat down and resumed reading. 

Then a small sad sigh came from the young woman who was looking down at her phone with a sad face. It wouldn’t be too bad if I took a break for some conversation. However, the young woman looked troubled, she may not be in the mood. I yawned and stretched then mumbled, but loud enough for her to hear, “God, I could use a drink.” and wondered if the other would take the bait. 

There was a beat before the other spoke, “Long day?”

“More or less. Lots of reading, missing work. How about yourself?”

She shrugged “Its...different than what I’m used to. Lots of sitting still when I’m used to spending my days moving around.” SHe grimaces then sighed, “The adjustment period is always the toughest, though.”

I thought for a moment trying to remember the occupations of the selected, “The dancer?” I asked. 

She grinned “Yeah. Hadley.” She raised an eyebrow, “And you?”

“Lawyer.” I said and stood from the table, walked over to Hadley and held her hand out, “Savannah Mars, Labrador, three.”

She shook my hand, “Nice to meet you.” then thought for a moment, “You said you were missing work? Do you work at a law firm?”

“Kinda. I work for the Illean Civil Liberties Union in their legal division. It's a non-profit which focuses on civil rights and for me civil legal cases. Lgbt+ rights defense, domestic defense, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, that’s really cool.” She said, seeming actually interested in my work. “Are you missing the casework, or something else?”

“It's pretty hard for me to step back from my work. Since I'm kind of left worrying about my clients. A new guy took over my cases but I'm trying to still work in my own way by studying up on some legal sections I work in less frequently but still may come up. Such as contract law.” I explained not fully hearing her other question. 

She nodded, “I understand, sort of. I’m left worrying about how my ballet company is going to perform, with somebody else taking over the role in the Nutcracker that I’ve had the past few years.”

“Yeah the transition really is nerve wracking. Have you seen them perform though?” I asked hoping that could at least provide some solace. 

“I’ve seen pictures on Instagram, but no videos yet. We were just finishing up our performance of Cinderella when I left. Nutcracker rehearsal started a few days after, but it’s a show we do each year, so... “ She sighed “ It /should/ be fine.”

I nodded, “well if they assigned them the role try and have faith in their qualifications. That's what I'm keeping in mind for mine. They did go to law school so it's fine. They got the role so it’s fine.” I said partially for her and partially for me. 

She sighed a little hesitant, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Competition is just gonna be a bitch and a half when I’m sent back.” She chuckled wryly.  

“Well maybe you'll win and then you won't have too. Who’s gonna take a role away from the future queen of Illea.”

“That’s extremely unlikely to happen.” She then almost smirked “What about you? If you win, nobody’s going to tell you no in a courtroom.”

I laughed, “If I win I'll kill myself.” Then I realized how dark that sounded, though it didn’t seem to phase her.

“I hate to say that I feel the same way, but…” She shrugged and nodded, “I feel the same way” For a moment I was confused, why would she join if she felt the same way? Then it clicked, a dancer would be a five, lower class, need the money.

“You're a five right? Did you apply for the money? If you don't mind my asking that is. It would just make sense why you'd dislike to win.” 

“It…” She bit her lip, “Kind of? It’s a long story involving a deadbeat mom, a shitty health care system, two starving artists, and a kid with leukemia.” She said with an apologetic smile. Whatever she’d be apologizing for I can’t say. 

“Well shit man, I'm glad you got in then. Both for the money and for a break from that. I know this society fucking sucks and we've got a likely shit for brains hier, but if you ever need a lawyer I'm here to help. Hopefully, being a three now will provide some help for you too.” I said then caught myself making a mental note to not be so vulgar with my language. 

She gave me a small smile, “Thanks. Now I just have to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life, after throwing my career into dance, only to become a Three.” She laughed, “What about you? Why did you enter? It sounds like you had a pretty cushy gig going on.”

It wouldn’t be smart to tell the truth, but lying when Hadley had been so open felt wrong, I sighed and said, “My brother. Basically he forged my entry and I didn't want him to get into legal troubles for that. He's a fucking idiot.” I sighed and let that last cuss word slide as he is a fucking idiot. 

She snorted, “Men really do only have two brain cells.” She gave a small smile, “I’m sorry that you ended up in that situation, though. That’s rough.”

“Yeah. I tried to beat him up but my other brothers stopped me. It was really a mess. Had to find out from a waitress asking for a photo with me.” 

She shook her head, “My best friend told me that he was so upset to see me, “throwing my life away,” as if I hadn’t entered to help him and his brother.” Sounds like an ungrateful ass. She sighed and looked down at her fruit, “When did life get this messed up?”

A question with too big of an answer. A bit panicked and not knowing what to say I took a strawberry off my plate and held it out to her, “Fruit?” 

She chuckled and took the strawberry, “Thanks.” She takes a bit, chews, and then pauses, looking at Savannah, “You know what I could really go for right now, though? A good gin and tonic.”

“God that'd be great. You know what, let's make some. One glass can't hurt.”

She shrugged, “Sure, sounds fun. I’m down.” She looks around, “I know they keep the wine in that cabinet, but I haven’t found the liquor yet.”

After gathering our ingredients we get to work making the glasses, “so, what's your plan in all this?”

“In the selection?” She raises an eyebrow and then shrugs, she starts pouring things into the mixer bottle, “Stay here for as long as I can so I keep making stimulus checks, and then get sent home before I’m stuck spending the rest of my life here.” She finishes pouring and looks at Savannah, “You?”

I sighed, “about the same. Give the money to the non-profit I work for. I was hoping I could root for you to win, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders to influence him, but the more I think about it the more I realize that's like damning to hell.

She snorts, “Well, I still appreciate the compliment, and I would’ve said the same about you.” Then she sighs, “I’ve always known that it’s been like this, though. He gets to squander every penny he has on luxury shit, whereas my paychecks…” another sigh, “But life isn’t fair.”

“Yeah. And then waste the money on useless shit and trying to pass dumb laws like making 'cats' illegal instead of actually fixing the problems in this country.” I said and poured myself a glass of the drink.

She poured some for herself and then shook her head with an eye roll, “Don’t even get me started on that debacle. Why even joke about things like that?”

“Because he doesn't comprehend how the people of his own country are suffering. He's just so blind with privilege. Not that I have much to speak on but at least I freaking try to think about others in the country and their situations.”

She gave me a small smile, “You didn’t seem like the type to blow your money on worthless things to me, at all. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him when we have that interview in a few days.”

“Yeah I think im just gonna be polite for the sake of not causing a scene that'll haunt me my whole life” I said and took a sip, then clarified, “polite though, not kind.”

She nodded then drank too, “I really went from putting on one type of show for Twos to another.” 

“Any idea what you're gonna do as a three?” I asked.

She pursed her lips and shook her head, “I haven’t taken a science or maths class since I was eleven, and I don’t have the money for university. I guess I could work as a translator, or if that doesn’t work out, marry a five and go back to dancing.” She took another sip of her drink, “Hopefully I’ll be here long enough to figure it out.”

“Do they not have like threes who are dance teachers? I haven't really looked much into the area myself but it may make sense.”

She shook her head, “For me, at least, it was mostly Russian immigrants who were former dancers themselves, so Fives.”

I thought for a moment, “Well if you ever need history lessons, english, or legal aid I'm around. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a business card, since it’s not like either of us plan to be here long,  “Just all the way up in Labrador. Where are you from again?”

“Allens. So, not too far. Thanks.” She replied and looked at the card.

“Welcome.” I replied, finished off my drink then wrote down another idea. 

Hadley narrowed her eyes curiously, “What are you writing?”

“Just an idea for a proposition with the ICLU. There are probably other girls in a similar situation as you being lower caste now upper be it through marriage or selection, it may be helpful to talk about implementing a caste readjustment program.”

She lifted her head, smiling just a little, “That sounds like a great idea.” Then a little quieter she added,  “I'd appreciate it.” 

“Hopefully my boss will agree and pass it onto the innovation department. I'll write a quick memo about it to her later.” I smiled happy to have something to do.

“You really love your job, don't you?” She asked. 

I nodded, “It makes me feel like I have some kinda purpose. As cheesy as that is to say.” Making actual change in Illea instead of just prancing around doing whatever else I could have grown up to do. 

“No, I get that.” She looked down, “As a kid, I never really felt like I belonged, but on the stage, dancing?” She looked a little distant, “Standing out was a good thing.”

I nodded,  “Mhm. Have you thought of ways you could continue working while at the palace?”

She smiled, “Actually, I had a conversation with Prince Eaton about that, and I’ve been able to work out a schedule that allows me to still practice, even though I have to do a little more work to catch up on lessons.”

“That'll be good. If you wanted too you could put on a performance and donate the profits. That way you could be working towards a goal too instead of general practice.”

She tilted her head, “That's an interesting idea. I’ll keep that in mind.”

I nodded, “Well it was nice meeting you, Lady Hadley. But it is probably time for me to get back to work.” Then held out my hand to shake goodbye.

She took it, giving it a shake. “Nice to meet you too.”

It was pretty late in the afternoon by the time I was escorted to the interview room. Damian was in a navy blue suit jacket, dress pants, and a white button up shirt. He smiled at me as I got closer.  His eyes flicker to my nametag for a second before he speaks, “Hello, Lady Savannah. It’s a pleasure to meet you in person.”

I smiled trying to stay polite, then gave a small curtsy, “The same to you, your highness.”

He smiled back, taking a few steps back and gestured for me to go into the interview room. In the room is a sofa, surrounded by stage lights and a few cameras, what a romantic first meeting. There is one camera on a swivel stand, that is currently focused on Damian and I. He starts walking into the room, looking at me as he talks, "How have you found your first few days here, so far?"

I debated giving him a short one word answer of 'fine' but Danny's words of 'don't ruin your own happiness" slipped into my head. "They've been fine. I've enjoyed your library. It's helped me feel like I can in some ways continue working by catching up on legal matters normally outside of my areas of expertise."

He nodded while smiling then took a seat on the sofa, "So you're a lawyer, then? What kind of law do you practice?"

Reluctantly I sat next to him, hopefully I wouldn't catch an STD from proximity alone, "Yes, I practice primarily civil and criminal law with the Illean Civil Librities Union. So primarily defending people who are in bad situations due to outdated laws which need amending." My tone came out more passive aggressive than intended, but it was slightly justified as he should have been working to amend said laws and help people instead of partying.

"That's a great thing, to be doing. What got you into law?"

"Well I was at the University of Labrador. My best friend I'm the sorority I was in decided to go to a protest over women's rights in illea. We went, someone man came and antagonized some women, she defended herself verbally, got arrested, felt up by the officer, then was unable to do anything legally about it. I felt that was unfair so I decided to look into being a lawyer, liked the process, graduated in 2 years, went to Yale and here I am." 

He lets out a low whistle, looking down for a second. I couldn't help but be a but prideful at my accomplishment, then looks back up at me, more serious than before, his jaw tense, "I'm really sorry that happened to your friend." He said and fell silent. What a conversation killer. 

"It's fine." I said trying not to dwell on it, "How was your time in undergrad? Partied a lot, I saw." I said the passive agressiveness coming out again. 

He smiled, a little more relaxed than before, but not as relaxed as he was when he first entered the room, "I enjoyed my last few years of freedom before entering the real world, yes." He then raised his eyebrows, grinning a little wider, kind of teasing, "And what about you? Being in a sorority and all, I doubt you were much of a homebody yourself." 

I couldn't help but completely flush and bit down my urge to absolutely smack him upside the head. "It was a brief phase. It was fun. But also a waste of time." I chuckled a bit remembering my airheaded behavior in that year, "had I already been working harder I may have been able to finish faster and help more people."

He grinned a little at how flustered I was, which just made me want to punch him more, then smiled a little more genuinely towards the end, "We're still young. We have our whole lives to keep fixing things."

i frowned, "That isn't true. We never know when we're going to die. Something could always happen so we should be trying to help as much as we can. Not to mention while we" I paused after my slip of the tongue, but didn't correct it "partied in undergrad people were suffering who could have been helped."

There's a flicker of a frown on his face when I mentioned how short life is, but he lets it go, tilting his head when he looks at me, "We can't save everyone. That's impossible. We can try to do as much as we can, but there will always be more people in need of help.

"Partying isn't trying."

He raised his eyebrows, "You didn't even know you wanted to be a lawyer, back when you were partying in college."

I got kinda flustered again, he's right, there's no logically sound way to win. Yeah but I should have, I wish I had. Would have made the time a lot less regrettable." I said then cleared my throat, "Though, this is a bit of a heavy topic for our first meeting, don't you agree? Your- Damian." I barely corrected myself from saying Your Highness.

He chuckled, "A bit, but it's different from the surface level talk about work and provinces." He inclined his head, "Though, if you think about it, you never would have discovered your passion for law if you hadn't joined your sorority." He shrugged and gave a stupid grin which made me blush even more. 

Finally I snapped and turned to point a finger at him, "You won okay. I can't regret something if I didn't know to do something better, but that doesn't make topless jello shots any less of an embarrassing memory." I exclaimed then heard what I said and wished to curl into a ball and die. 

He chuckled a little, "We all have our moments. It's okay."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door then, and a guard pokes his head in. Damian nods at him, then turns and looks at me, "Unfortunately, we'll have to exchange stories another time. It appears our time today is up."

I sighed in relief at my rescue, then mumbled under my breath, "Thank God." I stood to curtsy, "Your-" I cringed a bit at the error, "Damian."

He chuckled again, "It was a pleasure to meet you Savannah. Until next time." He smiled at me when we got to the door, and stopped in the doorway.

I smiled back politely, "Thank you for the conversation. Till next time." 

*savy was taking a break from her work and decided to out for a walk in the gardens. She had always been a fan of taking runs when stressed snd the gardens were providing a peaceful alternative. She was walking around when she thought she saw a bunny in the bushes. Being the gal she is she wanted to see it closer so she stepped off the path and walked into the gravel. Immediately her heel sank in the gravel. She lost her balance for a moment but didnt fall. Instead she panicked. She debated stepping out of her shoes to get it out but she didnt wanna hurt her skin on the gravel. Instead she tried to wiggle it loose and hopped no one was near*

*rip savannah, but Damian is out distressing by playing basketball at that point in time, and from where he's standing as he shoots this basket, he can see someone clearly struggling with something in the gardens. he can't see who it is, or what the problem is, but he figures he should go check it out. he tucks the basketball under one arm, jogging towards the person he can see, calling out* Hey, everything okay?

*savannah hears him call out an knows immediately it's the last person in the world she'd want to find her like this* Absolutely peachy! *calls back and debates ditching the shoes*

*he slows to a stop when he gets closer, his eyes going from savannah's face to her foot* Mmm, looks like you've got yourself in a bit of a sticky situation, there.

*is extremely flustered* no situation at all. I said I'm fine. *aggressively wiggles the heel and almost trips so she squeaks but manages to catch herself*

*when he sees her almost trip, he lunges forwards to catch her before she hits the ground, but then she catches herself, so he's like "oh was that for nothing?" he looks down at the shoe, furrowing his brows, thinking* Here, let me help with that, before you actually fall.

I'm not going to fall and I don't need your help. I'm perfectly capable of defeating some gravel on my own

*he takes a step back* Alright... if you insist... *hes not going anywhere, just watching her, waiting to see what she'll do*

*huffs when she doesnt hear him walk away and continues to wiggle then huffs when shes not getting anywhere* Fine. If you're just going to stand there anyways you may as well help.

*he chuckles, setting the basketball down on the ground, kneeling down to look at the gravel and the heel, before beginning to dig the heel out with his fingers* Not the best shoes to walk off the path in.

*rolls her eyes* I didn't think about that. I thought I saw a bunny and got distracted

*he can't help but raise his eyebrows at that, grinning, twisting the heel a little to unscrew it from the gravel* Was it at least a cute bunny?

*his tone is a little teasing*

It was cute, be careful with your tone though when your face is near my foot. *once its free she steps back on the path so she doesn't sink again*

*he chuckles, joking* What, are you planning on giving me a royal nose job with your shoe?

You could probably use one. *offers a hand to help him stand back up*

*he picks up his basketball, taking her hand, still grinning at her, teasing* Maybe it's just the angle you've been looking at it from.

*stands on her tiptoes looking at his nose* Nope. It's a little off. Nose job it is.

*she pinches his nose* its a big flaw. Doubt you'll be able to get a wife like that

*he chuckles* I don’t know, my nose has never gotten in my way before

*considers* You're right, I'm sure that was just your sense of responsibility that got in the way.

*he raises his eyebrows* You know, I’ve never turned in an assignment late, or anything for work late. Never asked for an extension.

I somehow find that doubtful. Your reputation of being a loose partier precedds that of a responsible duitiful person.

Well, it’s the truth. *he shrugs* If you’re really curious, you could email my professors. It’s all about finding a balance. *he smiles*

*grumbles because he seems to be honest about it* What did you even study?

I dual majored in political science and marketing. You?

*sighs in relief* at least you werent a buisness major. Political Science and History for me on a prelaw track.

*he nods, smiling, genuinely curious* Did you prefer one over the other?

Probably political science. I mean I love history it's why I added it. For fun since it's just like learning stories and seeing the modern day impact of said stories. But political science felt more efficient. Like it helped me have a better understanding of the philosophy of political thinking which has helped me a lot in law. Plus I just liked the professors more.

*he smiles* Understandable. Good professors make it so much easier to learn the content

*smiles* yeah and lots and lots of highlighters. Did you have a favorite topic in political science?

*grinning* I took a really cool course on comparative political economies - I really like the economic side of things. That, and the classes I had to take on international politics. *he looks over at savannah* What about you?

Probably civil politics. I've always been a fan of civil work. I honestly thought about working for the AFEI instead of the ICLU but decided I wanted to do more personal legal work than policy legal work. But it's always been the work that has interested me more since it's important to bring up civil conflicts within the country and try to help as much as possible. But learning about where we came from in terms of The United States vs the civil policies of Illea was an interesting course for me, especially because of the overlap of History and Political Science.

*he nods as she talks, thinking that all over* I think work guided what classes I liked as well. Because beyond national politics, I also have to think about international politics, trade agreements, and maintaining Illéa’s position in the world.

*seems slightly surprised* so you actually liked your major? I assumed you just were kinda forced to pick it

I was kind of forced to, but I could still pick the classes that interested me more. *He shrugs* Plus I really enjoyed my marketing major.

*thinks for a moment* Can I ask you something and have an honest answer? No bullshit PR answer. I'm just trying to figure out if we can trust you to be our future king through this, at the very least.

Sure *he nods, pursing his lips a little* Ask away.

Do you actually want to be the king of this country? Like aside from the perks you have from it, do you care about the work?

I do care. *he pauses, swallowing* I really do. It’s just...it’s a lot of pressure to accept from a young age.

*she thinks for a moment* Noted. Thank you for your honesty. *Looks at the basketball* Do you play much?

*he smiles kind of sadly* Not as much as I used to. I’ve gotten a little busy helping to run the country, and such.

*gets an idea* Do you wanna make a bet with me?

*he grins* Depends on what it is

Basketball. I'm working on a program right now with the ICLU, a coworker wants to come visit me and discuss about it but appreantly work visits aren't allowed during this. If I can get more hoops in you'll arrange that?

*he furrows his brows* Better yet, I could just organize for your coworker to visit under the guise of another event going on. Just give me a few weeks to work out the details.

*kinda chuckles because shes competitive* oh? Youre scared you'll lose? But if that's what you prefer

*he laughs* No, I just know I’d win, and I’d hate to deny you the ability to see your coworker

Fine. You'll set up the meeting, then I'll just prove to you that I would win had their beem stakes.

*he narrows his eyes at her, extending a hand to shake, still grinning* Deal

*shakes it firmly then kicks off her heels planning to walk to the court barefoot.* Would be an unfair advantage for me to still be in them

*he raises his eyebrows* Why, they helped square up the height difference between us, at the very least *he chuckles*

*almost elbows him over that but barely stops herself* I don't need that help. I'm perfectly capable of crushing you independent of my shoes

*he laughs* I played basketball in uni, you know?

As did I. Well- not in a club. A guy who I was *ponders for a moment* acquainted with, played it therefore I played with him and his friends fairly often

*he raises his eyebrows* And how tall was your acquaintance? Because I’m used to playing with people my height, but also my mom and sister, who are - *he puts his hand somewhere around his shoulder because they’re 5’4” and 5’5”* - about this tall

He was around 6'3. His friends the same or more. Don't worry I'm well aware of the disadvantage of my height and very prepared to utilize it

*he chuckles* Oh, I’ve got to see this. *when they get to the court he starts dribbling the ball casually, walking towards the middle of the court* Do you want to start with the ball, or should I?

*thinks for a moment and puts her shoes down on the edge of the court and rolls up the bottoms of her dress pants a bit* You can start with it.

*he raises his eyebrows at her rolling up her dress pants, but he nods* Okay, if you insist. *he waits until he’s ready before starting the play*

*she walks up prepared to steal since she cant block*

*he starts dribbling more seriously, quickly maneuvering around her, taking three large steps with the ball, and then shoots a basket, and it goes in*

*she kinda huffs about that dislikes. But once he has the ball again she tries again, this time getting it and doing her UNDER THE LEGS MOVE AND SHOOTS*

*he turns around, a little in shock* That is not a legal move!

Hmmm *puts her finger to her chin very smug* I dont think it explicitly says in the rules that you're not allowed too. You use your height I'll use mine *VERY SMUG*

*he narrows his eyes* Fine, best 2 out of 3? Whoever gets this next shot wins, then

*SHES BEING COCKY NOW* Aw is the wittle princey calling it quits so soon? His fragile ego damaged? *bats her eyes teasingly*

*he narrows his eyes* Fine, best three out of five, then. *he starts dribbling the ball right from here he is, and it’s a long shot to his basket from there, but he’s pretty confident, so he goes for it, and somehow it actually goes in. he raises his eyebrows at her* Still think you’re gonna win?

*crosses her arms* That was luck. *goes to get the ball since shes closer*

Or just sheer skill. *he smirks a little*

*turns to face him just to roll her eyes and gets the ball. She then dribbles it back to the middle or something idk how basketball works*

*he follows her to the middle, standing in front of her, knees bent in that “ready” position idk wtf it’s called lmao*

*that position makes knees wide so she dribbles and goes to do her fast under the leg move again*

*he sees it coming this time, and takes a few steps back, keeps his arm in front of him to reach for the ball, which he gets, and then dribbles across to the the hoop he has to score in, taking the shot, and watching it go in again. he grabs the ball as it bounces back up, raising his brows at savannah* One more, or are you good? *he grins a little*

*huffs again and crosses her arm* Fine we'll call it at 3 to 1. But in my defense it's been awhile.

*he grins* Well, you’re always welcome to practice out here with me, if you want.

I can't tell if you're being taunting or not *rolls her eyes and walks up to him then holds out her hand to shake for the end of the game*

*he takes her hand and shakes, then gives her a genuine smile* No taunting. I mean it. I’d love to have someone new to play with.

I'll consider it then. I am getting slightly bored of your homes running path for exercise.

*smiles back even tho she doesnt wanna because it was a nice offer*

*he tilts his head from side to side* Yeah, the running trail through the gardens is kind of short. There are better ones /in/ Angeles, if you ever want to check them out

Not sure I'm allowed to just waltz on out of here, but I'd love the names of any you know. My grandmother lives near her so I'm sure I'll be visiting soon enough after this if not immediately so.

*he shrugs* I could also drive you sometime, if you want. I /do/ have a car.

*seems a bit surprised* You know how to drive?

*he furrows his brows* Of course! I got my license as soon as I was legally allowed to.

But its not like you need too? Don't you have like drivers?

*he looks a little confused and taken aback* I’m sure some exist, but why would I want someone else to drive me when I could be free and drive myself?

I'm not sure. I just know rich people, like for example my cousin *mumbles for a moment to find the phrasing* So my grandmother is in charge of the Mars Candy Corporation. My mom's older brother Nathaniel will be taking over it, his kids also my cousins all have drivers. They're like twenty something now but Jackson is always bragging about how he doesn't have to take the effort to drive himself places. I just assumed other people who could afford them would have them, especially busy people who could work instead of drive.

*he blinks* Wow, I never even would have considered that. *he shakes his head* No, I like driving. Being able to roll the windows down and blast the music...it’s like a few moments of freedom. *he shrugs, smiling a little sadly*

*she noticed the smile then something clicks* so freedom is your vice. You act out to feel free, thus the partying. You mentioned earlier the responsibility of being a prince being am influence on the partying. A lack of freedom makes sense. *she knows shes getting too personal but her curiosity and worry for the future gets the best of her* But what does that mean you're going to do when you're king? You'll have even less. How do you plan to maintain that restriction without bursting and needing freedom?

*he stiffens a little at her analysis because damn it’s spot on, but sighs towards the end* Getting as much out of life as I can now. I always knew what my future held for me. So I can plan accordingly. *he forces a small grin, trying to joke* Besides, with any luck, I’ll be old and almost out of energy by the time I’m king.

*furrows her eyebrows concerned* That doesn't work. *sighs* Believe me I'd know. But we aren't wired to run off memories. Instead we develop habits and coping mechanisms. Everyone snaps from time to time, you'll go back to what made you happy last. For you I assume that'll be partying. Which is something you can't do as king, and assuming it wont be till your old isn't right either, regardless of if that was a joke it's not something that you can lean on since millions of people could be relying on you and you'd be unprepared. You are going to be king, You are not going to have freedom, you are going to be under immense pressure and responsibility, honest answer, what are you going to do when you need to snap?

*he narrows his eyes at her, this time more out of irritation than anything else, and he’s a little sarcastic* Gee, thanks for the reminder. Though, for the record, I /haven’t/ partied since uni, and I have no plans to in the near future. So perhaps I’ll rely on my other coping mechanism, such as basketball, or taking a drive.

Yeah well it's the truth and uni wasn't that long ago. It's hard to break habits. I mean I partied like 4 times a month in undergrad and I still use it. That was forever ago but that's not how humans work. You're gonna lean on what you've leaned on. You're going to get shitfaced, you're going to want what you used to have, you're gonna idolize those times in uni and want them back. But you're not going to have it and it's going to be hard and shitty but you have to tough it out because of the country that relies on you and this is proving to me that you're not going to be a reliable King for the people who need you.  

[katedrakeohd]

The Visitor (part 4)

[Parts One / Two / Three ]

Author's Note: This is a personal fantasy along the lines of @jovialyouthmusic and her Many Lives of Drake Walker series. One night while I couldn't sleep my mind was working overtime and I started to imagine "What if?"

Pulling open drawers I quickly find clean pjs to put on, and then run a brush through my hair. He's been talking to me this whole time and I probably had the messiest bedhead in the world. I pull my hair back in a ponytail and slap on some deodorant of my own. I probably smell like a sweaty bed too after trying to sleep on such a warm night. I'm worried about keeping him waiting, and grab my robe off the door and throw it on before opening it.

He's leaning against the wall and looking into my daughter's bedroom, watching her sleep. “She's cute,” he whispers.

“Yes, she is. Now come with me.”

I reach out to touch his arm to pull him toward the livingroom. I can't believe I just touched him without asking.

The muscles in his forearm feel so warm and firm under my hand.. The hallway is narrow and we can't walk side by side. I can feel him following behind me, and hear the hardwood creak under his step.

Glancing down I realize we're both barefoot. “Did you take off your shoes and socks too?”

He shakes his head no as we step into the dark livingroom, “No, I took those off at home.”

I walk over to the TV stand and plug in the lights.

He chuckles as the string of coloured and white Christmas lights that border the room next to the ceiling come on. “Christmas lights, really?”

“Hey, don't judge. We keep them up all year and turn them on every night. It gives the room a nice ambient glow. Kevin knows I love Christmas lights, and it warms my heart each night when he insists on turning them on.”

He stands in the middle of the room, and for the first time I realize how romantic that Christmas lights can be too. I want to just wrap my arms around him and kiss him, but instead I gesture over to the couch and recliner. “Have a seat. Would you like a drink of beer, or water?”

He smiles, “I'll take a beer, if it's not too much trouble?”

I leave him alone to turn the corner and go into the kitchen. “No trouble at all, Kevin rarely drinks them anyway. He just buys them to share with his Dad when he comes over in the summertime for a barbeque.”

I open the fridge and hesitate, “Is Bud light ok?”

“That's fine, thanks.” He answers back.

I grab a bottle of beer for him and a bottle of water for myself.

I use the dish towel to twist off the cap to his beer bottle and then return to the livingroom. He's sitting on the couch, in my usual spot no less. I hand him the beer and then perch on the edge of Kevin's recliner. I don't dare sit next to him, I'm too giddy to sit that close.

He sits back, crossing his legs to rest one ankle on his knee. I can't help but stare at his bare feet. His eyes travel around the room and take in my modest furnishings, the TV on the wall, and Hailey's toys piled in the corner by the TV stand.

I hear the tick, tick of Patches' toenails as he exits the bedroom, he stops in the hallway to stretch and then shake before joining us in the livingroom. He boops me on the leg with his nose, and then flops down on the floor at my feet.

“I see we have company,” Drake grins, before taking a sip of his beer.

Patches lets out a sigh and rolls over onto his back when I rub him with my foot. “Yes, this is Patches. He's Momma's boy.”

I take a sip of my water and notice Drake's wedding ring on his finger as he loosely holds onto the neck of the beer bottle that rests against his thigh. “Did you have any other questions? I certainly know all about you. And it's only right you want to know more about the writer who's shaped so much of your..married life.”

Drake looks down at his lap, and I can imagine he's trying to figure out what to say. “Kate. You named her after yourself. What else do you two have in common?”

Besides both of us being madly in love with you?, I answered in my head.

“Um, I'm not sure really. She's from New York, I'm not. She's an only child, but I'm not. I suppose we have the same taste in books and movies. She's a wine drinker, and I would be too if I could afford it. She's certainly more comfortable in the public eye and amongst people. People are drawn to her because she's so beautiful. I'm dull as dirt, and don't talk to people much at all.”

“You're talking to me just fine.” Drake encourages, taking another drink of his beer. “Come sit with me.”

I feel myself flush with heat up into my cheeks, and take a big swallow of water. “I can’t"

He drops his foot down to the floor and shifts forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He's leaning closer to me and his long legs are inches from mine.

“Why not?”

I feel all anxious again, “It's not that I don't want to. I don't know if I could trust myself to be that close to you.” I admit, shocked at myself for saying something so openly.

Drake grins, rubbing at his jaw and then sits back on the couch. “Ok then, new topic. Tell me about Kevin. Since you’ve fleshed out my personal life so well, there must be part of him that comes out in your writing. You couldn't possibly write what Kate and I do in bed, if you hadn't experienced some of that yourself. Do I share any traits or habits with Kevin?”

I bite my lip and shift around in my seat. “Well you're certainly not shy.”

Drake laughs, finishing off his beer. “I am how you write me K-.. Wait, what should I call you?”

I take a moment to think, and then my ‘thirsty for Drake’ side answers, “Call me Katherine.”

It's the biggest turn on in the world to have a handsome man speak my name, and I'm going to take advantage of any opportunity to have him do it.

“Ok Katherine, as I said. I am as you wrote me.”

Now it's my turn to laugh, “And I've written you in so many ways Drake. You have no idea.”

Drake clears his throat, and looks for a place to put his empty beer bottle. “I'm afraid to ask.”

I indicate for him to put his bottle on the end table. “But as you were asking earlier, you wondered what you and Kevin had in common.”

“Yeah, are we anything alike?”

I size him up with a quick look, “In appearance, no. Kevin is a blonde, or at least he was before the grey took over. You're both around the same height, but your build is a bit slighter than his.”

Drake swallows, “So he's a big guy then.”

“Oh he easily has nearly 100 lbs on you. But he's also about 20 years older. He played basketball in highschool, while you played soccer.”

Drake tries to interject, “Oh wait nevermind, of course you know that. What else?”

“You both prefer to sleep naked.”

“Hey, in my defense I find clothes too constricting when I'm rolling around in bed.”

I nod, “Kevin's said the same thing.”

“You two have similar tastes in music, although I may have influenced you a bit. Oh, Kate's taste in music is all mine though. You may have noticed that she likes to listen to a little bit of everything.”

Drake rolls his eyes, “Oh then I can blame that on you too."

I shrug, “Sorry. I guess I'm more Kate than I thought.”

Continue on..

:::

tagging: @ravenpuff02 @sirbeepsalot @dcbbw @speedyoperarascalparty @bbrandy2002 @kingliam2019 @emichelle @griselda1121 @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @debramcg1106 @kimmiedoo5

[dyker-farmer]

Ok this was supposed to be a quick draw and a description to go with, that blew into a full chapter and now it's also on Ao3 SO happy reading ig idk

I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.

Set post-8 hearts event, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.

Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.

[[MORE]]

Take that can away if you can.

Gulp it down. Chapter 1/2/3/4

There's a few to-know to survive life in society, in the valley; there's no good way to comment on the age nor weight of both resident housewives, you can't say no to Evelyn's homemade cookies- and why would you, you fool-, you do not fight at the Saloon or you'll get no cheese anymore on your pizza and only sparkling water for drinks, and-

And you don't mess with Shane's alcohol related ritual.

Except I did, that night, because you do that, when your two-years long friendship with the guy taught you better than letting his impulses overcome yours, when your buddy is trying to recover from teenage long-lasting into early adulthood, trauma-enhanced heavy addiction, and you know, you know tomorrow he'll feel like absolute shit and question his right to therapy the moment he'll stop his pounding skull from splitting. Wonders what a three-dosage paracetamol can do. 

At least he doesn't drink it out anymore.

So yeah, when you're in my shoes, you get that Joja store-bought crap out of Shane's hand, and you brace yourself for the incoming lash out.

The first fractions of seconds are always those to look closely into most. It's only a glimpse, but before the scowl slips on like a well-worn boxing glove ready to strike, there is always this open page I learned I needed to decipher as quick as I could.

Tonight, it's heartbreaking. When I peck his forehead- doting big sibling habits die hard, even when you're actually the youngest of the pair- the eyes I catch looking at me are so confused and bare of any emotion, except for the sorrow that goes beer-soaked tears, it pangs. I get used to the breakdowns, working in the fields I do when I'm off the farm's, but it's not the same when it's a friend.

When I straighten back, offensive beverage in hand, it's already gone in a flinch, away from the empty space behind the chair and onto the table, as he snarls.

"Wha- giv'me back- 's mine!" I don't know how much he drunk before he met up with me, but from the slurring, it's a Lot. A season and a half into sobriety. That's harsh.

I ignore him and walk behind him, pondering where to put the beer for now.

"Y-you can't just do that! It's my booze I got with m'money, not some- who d'you think you are?-" He sputters indignantly, angry tears fewer than the sad ones but still there. He tries to turn around and grab behind his back, but the wild movement is way off and only gets the chair to nearly topples down. I rush in time to stabilize it, and profit off the moment to set a strong hand on his shoulder.

"I can just do that, 'cus it's my house I got with my money, and I think I'm your pal who knows when you've had enough. Dude, I trust you to be an adult, but minutes before, you were already so torched I had to keep your neck upright so you didn't faceplant into the table, and you nearly just kissed my floor good evening. Not to mention you clung to my arms the whole way from the little entry stairs to the kitchen because, quoting, 'If I don't I'll fall in the hole and won't get up'."

I turn to the fridge again, going to open it, before I think better of it. Likely enough, we'll both forget it was there in the first place, it'll stink up my fridge- it's Joja's- and it'll be money out of Shane's pocket for nothing. I set it on the counter, with the rest of the pack. He'll put it to cool down when he's back to Marnie's. Or he won't, probably. 

That's not a worry for now.

When I caught up with him, it was a few feet below my doorstep; he'd probably slipped up trying to climb the three steps up to it, and settled for it. He was nursing that same can, muttering to himself, head down, curled up on himself. Except for that leg sticked out, he probably hurt it when he fell, I'll have to look at that and work on it if it's too swollen. Hopefully that'll spare us from a visit to Harvey's.

Bad memories. Not mine, and it's warm and not raining outside, but. Déjà-vu.

Anyways, he looked the picture of "help I've fallen and I can't get up- and even if I can I won't because Fuck You", and it's been a hassle to have him cooperate. But when I asked if he wanted to leave, he shook his head with a fervor no somnolent drunk should have. That resulted in a lovely streak of vomit down the wall right next to the door. That's also for later. If Eryza doesn't lap it up. Ew. This cat's never predictable.

Now, he's staring at his hands, sitting at my table, contemplating something too far down for me to see- or maybe just zoning out with a sleeping brain. Then he mumbles. "Sorry."

I get back to the table and sit at arm's length across of him. "Nah, 's okay. I don't mind being a helping hand or touchy-feely, must be the frog-eater in me. Not for the helping part." I'd chuckle but my quip falls on deaf ears.

I go to put my hand over his. When he doesn't blink at it, I try and shake a reply out of him, gently. He startles and hawkeyes our joined fingers. When he's finally looking at me, I raise a single eyebrow. He doesn't say anything, but when he pulls back his arm, I let him. We both straighten up, and it's hard to keep up the eye contact.

"So…" There's a heavy air on us. Suddenly, like the last year didn't happen, we're sitting a stride away of each other, and yet it feels like he's all the way back to the forest, looking down at waves.

"Do you want me to do something?" I bend myself a little closer to him, not moving otherwise.

He puts his head in his hands, shivering. Can't tell if it's the AC or his system kicking the alcohol out, or itself, in stress. I think I hear something, but it might as just be his shuddering breath.

"Shane" I insist, voice level, not pressing. "I need words. I want to help, I truly don't mind, but I need words to know what to do." He's never shown signs of going nonverbal before. If he does, I'll improvise. Until then… I need words.

Time ticks slowly as we wait. Then, with great effort and deep fatigue, he drags his palms up from under his nose to his temple, spreading some snot and wet tears across his face from his scrunched shut eyes. Lips trembling but finally showing, that attempt to let out a sound that's not too garbled. He coughs, sniffles a bit, breathe in again, sounding like a sick dog, and blows through gritted teeth before his jaws go slack. Eyes still closed, he whispers, and I have to lower myself some more toward his crouched form to catch it.

"Can I get something to drink…?" His voice is hoarse.

The demand could be comical, if we were into sour humor. And we usually are. But right now, we're not finding the joke in the lines. I stand silently, and as I walk to the fridge again, I let my hand brush his shoulder- same spot as before.

I take a minute to choose, look into the pantry. When I'm back at the table with my items of choice, he's still sitting there, his cheek is cushioned on his arms, face hidden from view. His shoulder, except for the occasional tremor, rise and fall in rythm with his snores. Breaks my heart to interrupt that, but not really. Hangovers are mean bitches with the sharpest nail art on the blackest of boards.

"Psst, dude. C'mon." I rustle his hair backward. He hates when I do that, says it tickles, and it makes him sneeze. So I obligatory do it once a day if I can. Let's say today's my late quota for the last four days I haven't seen him.

He gruffly tells me to kindly refrain from such pleasantries, and raise bleary eyes back up at the table. I can also guess he tried to bat a hand at me, but his coordination is off and he slaps himself lightly on the ear. Then he glares bewildered at his hand for a few seconds, obviously insulted. I profit of this moment to grab a small basin from under the sink, on second thought.

When he brings his attention back to me, I'm sitting again. Between us, a jug of fresh milk from this morning, a small sack of peppers, and a juice carafe sit aside a green glass bottle. There's also some bread, mostly for me to munch on. Because, hmmm dough. He squints at it all, especially at the bottle. Probably trying to read the label.

"Yeah no, didn't get you one of my best wine, not sorry."

"Hot pepper… juice?" He looks at the actual peppers next to it. "With actual peppers?" And then I get the squint too.

"Hmph, I know you like your elongated hell tomatoes, man, what can i say."

At that, a feeble snort.

I decide that it is the highlight victory of my soirée.

"Welp, have at it." I gesture to the half-liter liquor glass right by his left.

He fumbles with the drinks and some splashes around, but I lay back on my chair, arms crossed, letting him do his thing. While I don't hold back from growing downright doting on him when I got to- or even when I don't- I don't see how more devotion right now would be not smothering. He can break my fancy glass cups if he wants and spill my milk, so long he doesn't cut himself or cry over it.

Now, you could be thinking that plain water would have done the trick just fine, if not better, in rehydrating him. Here's the thing, though; going from booze to tasteless liquid, for Shane, that's a sure way to puking his heart out. And I'd rather not have us deal with an acid bile throat burn on top of near alcohol poisoning. Sorry to not spare you the squeamish details, but his oesophagus is pretty sensitive ever since that stomach pumping back at the clinic. Hot fiery hell fruits he can do just fine, with relative moderation and hydratation- hence the milk and juice- but liquor bursting its way back from his guts? Nuh uh. 

It had taken lots of coaxing, but he'd explained the plain tastes, or lackthereof, were very hard for him to deal with, especially when contrasting with strong ones like beers and whiskeys. I'd shackle it to gustative hypostimulation, but I don't know enough about him that way to say. He'd said sparkling water was a good compromise.

But I don't have sparkling water, because I do not like suffering.

I might buy a pack for when he visits though.

And I do know a handful about him already. Shackle that to perceptiveness and a stubborn streak on top of a year and so long camaraderie.

And having a certain uncontrollable fear of failing to act quick the next time coped with by accumulating information and patterns compulsively.

I shake my head to focus on the present again. He's switched from juices to soaking bread in milk to eat it small portion after small portion. He pauses in mid-bite when he catches me staring. He's still hunched on himself and red-faced and a tad bloated. His cheeks are drying and he's blown his nose. I smile calmly. Worst of the storm passed, unless I screw up and blow it.

"Ywou wan' chom'?" He offers a dripping piece of bread. In moments like this, when he's sobering but not quite, the resemblance with Jas are unmistakable. The glint in his reddened eyes that open wide, and his blank-but-not-quite wondering expression, it's all here to paint a scrutinizing but vulnerable picture of tired but bright minds.

"Nah thanks. You done with that milk?"

"...Sure." He eyes it, wary. He knows where this is going, and he doesn't like it. I take the drink off the table, and his gaze follows my movement until I bring it to my lips.

He frowns. A silent warning. 

And as I lock onto him with a dead stare, not blinking a millisecond, I down the rest of the 2 liters jug in three, five gulps. I even take the time to lick my new mustache away, and close my mouth with a click of my tongue.

His expression is the macabre marriage of beffudled horror and pure affliction, disgust if you will. The face of someone who doesn't hate milk, but has grown out of it enough to not be able to live off the stuff like the brave souls I'm apart of. And probably with reason, as I actually can't, like most 20+ years old, digest the liquid in large amount. But I smile like a smug cat, perfectly content.

Cats really can't digest milk once adults, it's all social mythos.

We silently judge and fuck with each other like that for a while more, as more time passes, until the room's elephant gets it all humid with its prancing around. Enough that tears and nervous sweats start again, for no apparent reasons but the residual anxiety from the whole chain of events that led to this.

"I think we should talk about this."

--- to be continued.

#alcohol cw #emetophobia cw #self hatred cw #stardew valley shane #sdv shane #stardew valley #stardew valley farmer #sdv farmer #1!Dow Farm #Farmer Uidelsib #☆my art☆ #♧Shane #*watch me push my autistic headcanons onto chicken boi* #*just you wait for the trans and hispanic ones* #*i'm about to destroy this man whole career of self depreciation* #*highly functionning dumbass energy vs immovable but movable force of sadness* #food cw #*fuck tumblr for not letting me put a read more on mobile rip ur dash y'all* #☆writing☆

[onebangtanstan]

Power Style - Chapter Seven : The shooting

I wake up before my alarm. I'm way too excited for today. The hard work I put in these last few days is finally going to come to life before my eyes.

I have quite some time before I have to be at the shoot, so I lay in bed for a bit, scrolling on my phone. I go through social media and I obviously see pictures of BTS. It's weird to think that I know them now.

As I head to my kitchen, my phone rings. It's too early for this but I pick up anyway.

« Hello? » I ask, not knowing the number that's calling.

« Hiiii! I'm so excited for today, I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd call you! Fancy some coffee? »

I recognize Hoseok's voice, and it made me realize I completely forgot to add their numbers to my contact list.

« Um.. sure why not! I'm not ready though »

« No problem! I'll give you some time to get ready, and pick you up in.. let's see.. half an hour? »

« Perfect! I'll send you my address »

We hang up and I immediately type in my address while walking to my bathroom. I hop in the shower, and enjoy the hot water waking up my body. I head to my wardrobe, leaving a trail of wet footprints on the floor.

I make my mind up about my outfit rather quickly. I'm going to be standing up all day, so flats for sure. I go for a simple jeans and t-shirt, which is probably what I'll be wearing all week.

I head back to the bathroom, put on just a bit of makeup to look fresh. While I'm finishing up, Hoseok sends me a text. « Here in 5 »

Just enough time to put my coat on and head out the door.

He jumps in my arms as I get to him. I really love his energy. He's dressed very casually, no makeup on, he obviously knows how today is going to go.

We get in the car, and he talks about how happy he is to do this collaboration. He loves fashion (and it shows) but he really enjoys partnerships, shootings and all that goes with it.

We head to Starbucks, not wanting to think too much about what to drink.

I have a simple latte, so does he.

We sit down for a bit and he asks me about the ideas behind the shoot.

« I love it! It's gonna be so cool! »

I'm glad he likes it! I hope the others feel the same way too.

We head back to the car that drives straight to the shoot.

As soon as we get there, I get into Director mode.

« Ok, Hoseok, let's get your makeup done, we'll then get you dressed and we can start the shoot.»

He gets very professional too, simply nodding at what I say and heads to the makeup station.

I take the opportunity to fix last minute details regarding the visual.

About an hour later everyone is ready to start shooting. We take a few pictures with the first look, and do a part of the video. He changes to his second look and we keep going.

We're all getting hungry at this point, but he stays extremely professional. I can tell thats he's getting tired but he keeps going. He moves the way he's told to, and does what he has to do.

It's 1 pm and we're about to stop for the day. Hoseok is now messing around with the collection, kind of done being serious.

He's walking around with a shoe on his head. It actually looks good.

« Hoseok, could you go back to the set? I wanna try one last thing »

He obeys and starts being serious again.

« No, keep going, put the shoe back on your head. » I indicate to him.

He does as I say, and I tell the photographer to shoot. It looks amazing.

« Thanks Hoseok, I think we have everything we need. Thanks everyone, let's call it a day! »

I let everyone one go for today, afternoons will be meant for editing the day's pictures. It's the only way we can work this out.

Hoseok is back in his normal clothes now, with a packet of doritos in his hands. He comes towards.

« How did I do? » He asks

« You were amazing Hoseok, thank you for being so professional »

« Please call me Hobi, we're past first-names. »

« Hobi » I smile at him.

« Wanna go for lunch? » He asks enthusiastically

« Yeah sure! I just need to wrap a few things up here. »

I go to my team to give them instructions for the rest of the day. They're meant to send me everything as soon as it's edited.

Hobi and I spend the rest of the day together. We go for lunch then shopping, and we really have a fun time together.

I decide to go home, knowing I still have work to do, and need to rest for tomorrow. We set up a dinner date for after the shooting is over.

I get home and look at the results of today's work. It's perfect. I work for a couple of hours, before going to bed.

While I'm starting to fall asleep, I get a text from Hobi. « By the way! Have fun with Jin tomorrow! 😉 »

I can't help but smile.

I wake up in a hurry. I can't wait for this to be over, I'm exhausted already.

I rush to the set, grabbing some coffee on the way. Jin there already, getting his makeup done. Thank God my team knows what to do.

He sees me walk in, and immediately says

« There she is! WorldWide Cutie Girl! »

« Hi Jin! » I say back, lightly blushing.

« You look beautiful today! »

I thank him with a head bow and get to work.

Everything is already set up from yesterday, we just need to adjust a few lightings.

We start the shoot, and Jin looks very good. I mean, VERY good. The way he looks on picture is so far from his personnality, but I like it. He brings his spark to the shoot as well, joking around and being goofy, but getting the job done nonetheless.

We get through the shoot seamlessly, the different looks all looking great on him.

I start packing my things up and getting ready to leave when Jin walks towards me.

« Are you leaving? »

« Yes, I have to get home and keep working on the campaign.. We have so much to do in such little time. »

« I see. » His energy is completely different. I feel intimated by him right now. He's taller than me and is standing very close to me. I have to look up to see him. « Could I at least offer you a ride home? » He's looking at me with a look that I can't describe. I think I see anticipation, and maybe lust?

I swallow before answering, feeling a tingling in my stomach « Sure, thank you. »

We sit in the car in silence. I don't get why I'm feeling this way. There's a clear tension in the car, and neither of us can figure out how to break it.

We arrive at my place, I thank him again and head up to my apartment.

I start working again and lose track of time. My intercom rings, bringing me back to the real world. I look at the time. Shit 8pm! Where did the day go? I realize I haven't eaten anything while I walk to my door.

« Who is it? » As I say that, the video turns on, and I see Jin.

« Pizza delivery » he answers.

I'm kind of surprised but I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. I let him up anyway.

I open my door as he comes out of the elevator.

« I hope you don't mind, I figured you were very busy and would enjoy some food. I can give it to you and leave if you want. »

I'm touched by the reason he's here.

« Please don't be silly, come on in. » I move to the side to let him in.

I feel very conscious of my home as he walks in. Tae mentioned that he lives in the fancy part of Seoul, and given BTS's success, his home is probably as luxurious as Tae and Yoongi's.

He walks in and looks around him, setting the pizzas down on the kitchen counter. I don't know how to act. He looks so small in here.

I live in a 50 m2 apartment. The kitchen and living room are both in the same room, but unlike at Tae and Yoongi's place, there's no separation between them. The couch is almost in the kitchen, and I most definitely don't have space for a dining table. I still feel very comfortable in this apartment. It's the first one I've owned by myself, and I've made it my own safe space.

"Your home is lovely" Jin says "It ressembles you" He's now looking at me with a smile.

I can't help but look at the ground. I mumble a "Thank you". I feel ashamed in front of this huge megastar. I'm standing in my little home, wearing my pyjamas. I feel like a little girl, not the Director of his next partnership.

He notices my discomfort. "Are you hungry?" He heads to the kitchen as he speaks, and looks for plates. I go to help him, I'm not sure I want him opening every cabinet.

We head to the couch and start eating. We opened a bottle of wine I had stored in the fridge. We're just siting and talking about a lot of things but nothing personal. I think he feels like I don't want to go there.

As I'm laughing at one of his jokes, I feel his glare on me. My giggling stops slowly as I look down to my almost empty glass. He brushes off a loose strand of hair from my face.

"You are beautiful, Gina" I look up at him as he says those words. He has the same look in his eyes as he did today. I sense the lust now, I'm sure of it.

My stomach starts tightening up, while I keep looking him in the eyes. The only thing I notice right now is the way he's looking at me right now, and our knees barely touching.

He breaks the gaze and stutters "Um..I..um" He clears his throat before going on "I'd better get going, you have a long today tomorrow again"

"Uh yeah sure" I'm still shaken about what just happened. "Thank you for the pizza." I start to stand up as I speak

"My pleasure. No, please stay where you are. I'll let myself out" He takes my hand and kisses it goodbye "You have a good night, Gina"

He's gone. I'm left with my thoughts about this evening. I'm not sure if it's the wine or Jin, but I feel very light.

#bts #bts fanfic #fanfic #jin #jin x oc #kpop #seoul #jhope #hobi

[mnjr23rd]

Together Alone

"You know he actually, convinced me to quit Nolu?" Rita said as she lit up a cigarette and took a long drag.

"Man I've missed that", She held it up towards the light almost admiring it. The second last cigarette out of a crumpled up pack of twenties. Which by the looks of it, had been hidden underneath a mattress for far too long.

She closed her eyes, I watched her chest expand, as her lungs began to fill with the contents of the cigarette. She inhaled, and held her breath for a while, taking it all in for a moment.

Before exhaling puffs of white smoke, through her nostrils and later through her lips.

Which had me scratching at my nose and slightly coughing, it irritated the heck out of my sinuses and clogged my throat.

I saw her eyes begin to, float up and about, then around the room dilating as she opened them, in some sort of daze.

I think that was the nicotine kicking in or it flooding the brain, which ever one came first.

"Still gives me the jitters.. Even after all this time. You know he actually convinced me to quit? Me of all people?" Rita said again shaking her head, as if she had been hoodwinked or swindled into giving up smoking. Before she took another drag of the cigarette, only longer this time. She looked at that cigarette as someone would an old friend, that you'd meet by chance in a clothing store or at a coffee shop or at some library miles from anywhere. And you reminisce about times gone by, laugh at things you used to do when you were younger.

And you stand there in almost shock, and you ask yourself, is that really so and so? I haven't seen so and so since we were kids. But there he or she is, right in front of me, the girl I thought would never get married with a ring on her finger and a child holding her other hand. The guy everybody expected to fail because he hustled people, and never studied there he was with a Rolex on his arm, and Porche keys in his hand. And you almost wonder how on earth, did he ever end up getting it so good? While you stuck in a 9-5.

That was Rita's reaction, one of shock and disbelief, as she tried to remind herself what smoking a cigarette used to be for her.

"It would've been two years and sixteen days now. Without a single one of these.." She held it up again as the bud began to burn her finger tips, it almost falling out of her hand, she laughed a little.

"Or a drop of alcohol.. But here I am, doing drugs again. He'd be so disappointed..." She said raising the bottle of wine, pressing it against her lips, taking a huge gulp of the wine.

"Theodin who always told me that I could do better, that I was better.. That this was bad for me, bad for my health, for my well being and that I was meant for so much more, that I deserved way better.. That I was way too beautiful." She sniggered.

"Then why would you relapse Rita?"

"Because I... I don't know, what to do with all these emotions Nolu, that's why. I mean he, your Theodin was like my glue but Theodin isn't here anymore, he's.. only God knows where! This and this.." She held up the cigarette and the bottle of wine.

"Was all I knew.. all I used to use to cope. This was all I could use, to numb the pain, until he came.. I miss him so much"

I felt something strange, something I hadn't felt in a long while, rage , anger, jealousy. begin to fill my heart and eventually engulfed it.

"Bet you do.. Don't you?" I said as it threatened to over take me and trickle down to my hands. Blood flowed rapidly to my head, I could feel my head throbbing.

"I do.. More than I can put in words.."

"What?" That was a line that Theodin used with me, almost 4 years ago. The last time I heard from him on the phone, before I finally saw him come to rescue me. He had said that he loved me, more than he cared to admit, and that he missed me more than he could put in words.

"Who taught you that line?"

"Your Theodin.." Rita kept saying that "your" part passively without a care in the world. My blood was boiling right now, she just kept laughing and giggling and with every giggle images flashed in my mind of her and Theodin. Was there anything he kept only for us? Or had he given everything to her, including his heart? I felt like swatting her right across the face and wiping that dumb smile off her bronze face.

"Want some?" She interrupted, sipping on the bottle of wine in her hand.

"You could use a glass or four...after what you've been through and they say it's bad manners to let a lady drink alone."

"That's a cheesy pick up line, that cheap girls you to get guys to buy drinks for them."

"Cheap?"

"Yes.. Cheap"

"What you trying to say? Are you calling me cheap?"

"Nothing.. I'm just saying if the shoe fits you know"

"You just mad, that your fiancé all up in this.."

"Female dog"

"Tramp"

"W-h-o-r--"

"Takes one to know one" She said cutting.

"Homeless person"

"Hobo"

"I'm not even that good at this, Nolu. But you? You suck.." She said cackling.

"Okay fine..."

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay? Seriously? Like part of me wants to hit you, with something so badly right now, I've been fighting myself over it for the last thirty-five minutes"

".. And where would you start?" Rita had a confused, almost baffled look on her face.

"That pretty face of yours! That stole my husband away."

"Stole? Really? But okay I'll take that.. And where would you end?"

"With your head inside a dumpster.." She began to laugh, she thought I was joking but I wasn't. I wasn't laughing, my teeth weren't even showing not a single one, I was dead serious. I had killed her a gazillion times in my head, now I was trying to figure out how I'd get out here without leaving any tracks or getting caught.

"We really going to fight over a guy? Like we still in middle school? Two grown women? Pulling each other's hair? Kicking, biting and scratching?" as much as I hated to admit it but she was right, It wasn't her fault that Theodin liked her, I'm not ready to say the other L-word which has a lot of weight on it. Call me dumb or whatever you like, but I love him. I know, I know part of me says he's gone but part of me doesn't want to believe it.

"Truce?" She said stretching out her hand.

"Truce" I replied, shaking her hand. I was older, so naturally I had to be the bigger person. I knew she was working me, trying to find out my anger, a nerve and used it against me but I knew better.

"You know what they also say around here?"

"What?" I asked in an even more annoyed tone,

"That Chinese wine a good laugh, and a bowl of sushi can fix anything and if you add a bowl of ice cream and chocolate into the mix you can fix a broken heart"

"You sure you aren't making that up, as you go? My heart isn't broken.." My heart wasn't broken, it wasn't aching, it was shattered.

"Mine is.. And I don't know maybe I am, making it up. Maybe I'm not.. but I guess there's only one way to find out," she lifted up the bottle and passed it to me.

"What happened to the glass?" She took another gulp only bigger this time.

"Drink it from the bottle. That's the best way to drink wine"

"You mean to drown your sorrows."

I pondered for a while, than I said,

"On second thought nah, I'll pass on the wine, but I'll take you up on the sushi, and the good laugh and maybe some chocolate and the conversation"

"Fine to me, I propose we toast Adelyne"

"To what? Aren't toasts meant for celebrations? What are we celebrating?"

"To new beginnings, making new friends or better yet how about we celebrate Theodin? The man we both love, the man we wish we could both hate..."

"Cheers" we said in unisoun as the bottle and my glass of water clinked together.

"He saw my best.. when I was at my worst. I can't believe I'm already slurring my words but I'm only a bottle and a half in.." She giggling a little bemused. I kind of joined in.

"You supposed to sip it slow, the quicker you drink, the quicker the lights go out.. But you right..that was Theodin alright, always wanting to see the best in people, always thought no one was beyond saving. He always said that people were like diamonds in bad condition, when you find them. Full of coal, dirty, and gritty on the surface.."

"But they were still diamonds underneath", Rita interrupted, finishing my sentence.

"He told me that too.." She added

"And how everyone deserved a  chance, to be loved, to be at  peace. He was capable of seeing beyond me, beyond this skin. He saw into my soul, something even I couldn't see. Greatness, he'd tell me that every day.  Even when I disappointed him, like I'm probably doing now. He'd still be there with a smile on his face, telling me I could begin again. That regardless of what I thought I was, he somehow still saw a diamond  underneath," she said with a chuckle.

"I bet he'd be telling me right now to take it easy on the wine wallflower, and that it was way too early to even be drinking wallflower"

"Don't do it for him Rita, do it for you... It feels better trust me, it lasts longer. Like now you relapsing because the person you were doing it for isn't around and now you don't have legs to stand on, now you don't have a reason to stay clean. It's why you have to do it for yourself, that's the only way you'll get sober, and stay sober.. When you don't have prove anything, to anyone but you. Where you show yourself, that your better than alcohol, and yes better than Theodin. Yes he's one of a kind, but he's only a man and he has flaws too and he'll let you down, and break your heart. Make yourself proud, make God proud, do it for your son, make sure Xhao has a bright future and a mum which he can be proud of."

Rita sat up and put the bottle down,

"You know about that too?"

"Yeah Theodin told me."

"And you okay with it?" I wasn't okay with it, I was angry, bitter and I was crumbling inside and I had been more than tempted by the wine, I wanted to chug it down my throat so badly but something deep inside me, kept saying,"Nolu hayi" and I listened.

"Yes, I mean no but I can't change what happened. I still love him, and he's all I've held onto for these past four-five years. Knowing I'd see him again kept me going, but I lost hope I'm not going to lie to you, part of me thought I wouldn't get out of that place alive but here I am, God being good. He is a light, when all other lights fail, it's why I don't care about what so and so thinks says or does but if I'm good with Him then I'm good with anyone.."

"You sound exactly like Theodin!" She said with a huge smile, like someone had turned on a light bulb life came back to her face.

"He saw something.. I couldn't even see in myself. It was like he looked at me and saw my future, he saw me educated, he saw me successful, he saw me thriving. He saw me whole even, when I was in a million pieces, no wallflower, please wallflower, Ree this, Ree that"

"He was like that with me too," I bit back a smile.

"Always mothering me... Theodin must have loved you hey...and you must have loved him Rita..."

"He did but there was always a piece of his love I could never have..." She took another huge gulp from the bottle of wine in her hand and another drag from her last cigarette that was now almost burning her lips.

"No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I tried, there was always a but somewhere. A but Adelyne this, a but Adelyne that. He loved me, but he loved you way more than he ever could me. You could see it in his eyes, he loved me but our love always had a period somewhere where it would just stop. Where it would just end, and couldn't go any farther, his heart just wouldn't allow me to ever take your place. Not that I wanted him to, not that I didn't try either. I just wanted him to have a place for me too.. you know.. In that big heart of his because I couldn't help it. I just, I just loved him you know? He didn't have to act, do anything or perform I just loved him, more than anything. I loved  him more I had ever loved anyone... I loved him with every ounce of.. of.."

"Your being." I said as she wiped off a handful of tears that were now dripping down her shoulders, I just stayed silent, I did not know what to do. I didn't want to comfort her, I just wanted to leave her be, I was hurting too. Everything she said was daggers, being dug into every memory I had of him.

"I hate crying... But It was you Adelyne, it was always you. No matter what I did, no matter how much I tried. I knew one day he'd go back for you.. and that first day when I saw him look at you, I saw this look in his eyes he had never looked at me with before. What I'd give for him, to look at me that way, at least once. I think my soul would've left my body. His eyes sparkled that day, they came alive they had this joy, this anticipation, he looked at you the way someone would look at home. After being away for a really long time and you'd sit down on the varander even if you were all by yourself, with a smile on your face and you'd say "yeah.. I'm home" even if you said it to yourself. I envied you and part of me, still envies you."

"I'm sorry..." I said as tears of my own formed in my eyes.

"For what?" I was emotional too, as much as I saw my pain. I looked at hers and I felt it.

"I don't know, I don't know what to say... For making you feel this way, ruining your life"

"You didn't ruin anything, I just chose wrong. I just love people, I can't have and that's okay because stuff it right? It's 4am in Macau!" Rita shouted from the top of her voice and laughed shaking of the tears.

"What a city! What a time to be ALIVE! Adelyne is it?" She shouted even louder.

"Shush! You're going to wake the kids"

"Yes mamá"

#iwrite #wattpadwriter #writblur #writblr #writing #writbelr #atheodinreedconfession #ifmichaelwasametophor #redalert #writeblr #writers #wattpadd

[underworldbar]

It's been playing on my mind since Sula mentioned it. Eden is coming over to... help her. Help her get ready for me. It's probably a good idea; the princess is very tight and it'll be her first time and I don't want to hurt her. But the idea of her and Eden alone in their bedroom trying on lingerie and playing with Eden's toys... fuck, it's driving me wild already. The thought of Eden with all her experience guiding my princess into taking something inside her bigger than she's ever taken before, teaching her to use various toys, even just the two of them lounging around in sinful lingerie drinking wine... I am incredibly, overwhelmingly grateful that Sula has agreed to let me visit her after Eden has gone to bed. Because I'm half hard already and Eden has only just arrived.

*

There's a tension in the air and I have no idea if anyone else can feel it. The three of us are hanging out in Sula's bedroom eating dinner - the girls have opened a bottle of wine but I'm on duty so I'm not drinking. I think drinking would be an unwise choice even if I wasn't working, knowing what is going to happen in that room later. Am I jealous? She's eighteen, she deserves the opportunity to experiment and Eden is definitely trustworthy but... I'm feeling increasingly like I want to keep the princess all to myself. I want to be the only one who touches her and pleases her and teaches her about pleasure.

*

Oh gods. The fashion show has begun. The girls are disappearing into Sula's dressing room and coming back out wearing different styles of lingerie and asking my opinion and it's so difficult to hide my feelings for Sula. I mean, Eden is also incredibly attractive right now in this wine red ensemble that leaves very little to the imagination - particularly when she turns around - but my eyes are glued to Sula in a deep, deep blue set that makes her look like a sunrise over the ocean with all her golden skin and sunshine hair. She's so incredibly sexy and I'm shifting my legs to hide just what they're both doing to me. This is torture.

*

This is torture. Eden has opened her "bag of tricks" to show Sula the different kinds of toys she's brought with her and my imagination is going wild picturing them using them on each other. There are vibrators and there's a wand and there are two dildos - one of which is rather intimidating - and something that I don't recognise but which Eden is describing as a "suction toy". I am deeply, deeply turned on by the thought of the princess and her friend using these toys together and I want nothing more than to join them - to be with Sula openly - but we need to keep this a secret. Even from her best friend.

*

"So is it still accurate, now you've seen it in person?"

Eden is handing Sula the bigger of the dildos and I just know I've gone bright red. Sula has spoken to her about my cock - obviously Eden doesn't know it's my cock that the princess is talking about but she must have compared it to that dildo and whilst I'm incredibly flattered, I'm also blushing and if the girls look over at me now they'll just know. I need to leave before I do something I'll regret, so I subtly adjust my trousers to hide how hard I am, clear my throat, and make my excuses as Sula is saying how she "can't even really fit my whole hand around him, honest!"

*

I can hear the beginnings of moans. They're muffled and soft and I can picture the girls making out so clearly. It's agony knowing that they're in there and I can't join them or be in Eden's place, but my little princess deserves the chance to experiment. That's what I tell myself as I hear her moans - higher than Eden's, clearer - get louder as a muffled voice says something, something I can't quite make out.

*

They're louder now. Well, Sula is. I can hear Eden talking in a low, reassuring voice and I can hear Sula moaning and I get the feeling that she's spread open on the bed as Eden slowly works the dildo inside her. Getting her ready, preparing her for what it will feel like, helping the princess get used to the feeling of being fucked. Like she's been begging me to do ever since we started whatever this is.

*

Now it's Eden's turn to be the louder one. In fact, I can't hear Sula at all. Maybe Eden is demonstrating a toy to her? Maybe she's putting on a show for the princess? But then I hear Sula's muffled voice saying something and Eden's reply, clear as a bell; "your tongue is fucking magic, Sula, keep going, please keep going!" and I nearly come just from hearing that. The princess is giving her friend head and fuck, if that isn't the hottest image I've ever had to suffer through.

*

I've had to sit through moans and buzzing for hours. These two are insatiable, but I think things are winding up now. The sounds have grown softer, and I can picture them, spent and flushed, making out lazily on Sula's bed to wind down. Thank all the gods that it's over. I'm not sure how much more I could have taken of these girls fucking each other; they're both incredibly loud and I know that I have to do something about the guard underneath the balcony. I can hear shuffling and soft voices and then the door is opening and Eden is coming out, shooting me the dirtiest wink I've ever experienced as she walks towards her guest room with an exaggerated sway to her hips. She has no idea what's about to happen, though. Nobody does. I put all thoughts of Eden out of my mind as I walk through Sula's door, rock hard and desperate...

[sinner-min-bun]

Strangers▪️Min Yoongi

[A Min Yoongi x Reader Oneshot]

_______________________________________________________

⚜🌳⚜

It's a been three years since Mina's father past away.

Her life took a turn for the worse, becoming emotionally isolated, seeking thrills in the form of violent acts, and Befriending a dangerous crowd. Inevitably turning her boyfriend Taehyung, back to the habit of living a dangerous and carefree lifestyle. One he had abandoned in order to be accepted by Mina, since she wasn't fund of that toxic lifestyle.

Yes, she was aware of these changes but did so little to fix them. Barely acknowledging others around her.

We all learn to cope one way or another. Now blinding herself of everyone else's pain, was hers.

Mother thought it was only a matter of time, “She'll soon recover, it's nothing but a minimal trip on the road ahead of Her”. Pressing the bridge of her nose, clearing her blurry vision as she spoke to Taehyung, whom was doing the most to bring Mina out of her depressive state of mind.

"Mina you will be back to your normal, cheerful self and everything will be okay" she insisted. Threatening Taehyung every now and then to scare him off, even thought it was of no use.

She held a special place in his heart, “She might be right…” he thought, exiting Mina’s home without a goodbye.

Opening the umbrella as he stepped outside into the rain, “Maybe I'm not the one to fix you” his cries being masked by the pouring raín.

             **********One Year Later************

Mina's Point of View

Taking In the night scenery, "It's quiet tonight. Perfect night to admire the stars, barely visible to the naked eye yet was able to illuminate the night sky." Thinking to myself as I walked further into the park’s pathways.

The fresh air lightly brushed my face. Walking around the park late at night. Always my to go spot when I couldn't sleep.

Nothing unusual in particular, so like any other night, I went for a twenty minute walk to a park. One we had a block or two near my apartment. I would sneak out making sure mother wouldn't hear me and wake up– She hates when I do that.

You see, after my father's death she became depressed. Drowned her sorrows down with a bottle of wine. Every now and then she would vow never to touch another drop again.

"Empty promises…" that's all they were at this point. Reliving every moment she would make that promise. Just to break it days or even hours later.

I'll have to admit, this year has been a bit different from the two before. Breaking the gut wrenching habit of bringing in stranger's into the apartment.

I'm glad. Unable to forget the occasion when one of them almost tried his luck with me. It filled me with rage. Needless to say, I've gained a few skills here and there as I roamed the streets at night, dangerous streets. Including weaponry thanks to the guy I still would wholeheartedly consider my boyfriend Taehyung. Even after knowing nothing of his whereabouts. Taking a piece of me with him.

Although he's the sweetest guy you'll ever met. He's got his own dark past he refused to open up, which I respect and leave that subject aside. But I'll be lying if I said I wasn't curious as to what it could've been.      

Emitting a deep sigh. “I was weak, maybe that's why you decided to leave…” Raising my head to avoid tearing up.

                             *****************

Combing my fingers through my hair, I looked at the clock in my phone screen. "Wow, this time I took longer than usual".

Standing on the same spot, lost in my own thoughts again for so long. Almost appeared to be about ten minutes.

"I better get going" my voice being the only sound I could hear.

It tends to get dangerous around 12:30 at night.

You know what they say "the creeps come out at night". Yea all the kidnappers, druggies, drug dealers, and more.

As I continue my walk to exit the park. My fear turned reality.

"Oh shit". I thought to myself

I could feel a presence. Someone was following me.

"For fuck sake this is why I keep track of my time." Mentally Cursing myself with every obscenity known to man.

I prepared myself, slowly sliding the pocket knife in  between my middle and index finger, a part of the knife peeking out my sweater.

Turning left I stepped into the small bridge, taking me across the other side of the lake.

It gave me the chance to hear his footsteps as he walked on to the bridge.

Ten steps. That's how far he was behind me. ‘God Dammit...I couldn't do much at this point’.

"Plan B". I took out my phone making it seem like I didn't notice the moron behind me and pretended to send a text to Taehyung’s old phone number.

<<To: Tae <3 >>

I miss you… help

[Message SEND]

"What's a pretty little thing doing here...this late at night" The stranger said.

Those words send chills down my back. "Fuck off" was the only words I could phrase together.

"Listen I can show you a good time, if you're willing to come with me" he added. His voice getting closer and closer, I could feel his hot breath.

"No thanks" being my final answer.  

He kept insisting. Quickly getting tired of my attitude. As I was about to swing the knife towards his face. He managed to yank me by the shoulder.

"Let me go!" I yelled, getting loose of his grip. But his strength surpassed mine by a lot.

"HEY I SAID LET ME GO!" I yelled even louder hoping this time I would manage to get away.

Without a warning the man kissed the wooden boards of the bridge. Accidentally bringing me down with him.

He let go of me. I got up rubbing my shoulder now containing a large bruise.

I looked down to see him on the ground trying to cover his bloody nose and busted lip.

"Who the hell are you" I said startled by another stranger.

Giving no thought that he just saved me from a lunatic. "Great Now what do you want huh? I whined.

"Well a thank you should be enough" he said putting his hands back into his jacket.

"I could've handled it myself thank you very much" tired and aggravated from the creep before not wanting to deal with another one.

"Yea I could tell from the way he almost dragged you away" he said beginning to walk away from where we stood.

Although I didn't want to admit it, he was right.

"Thank you" I said before I started walking back to the other side of the bridge.

"Wait up"

It was him again, ‘what does he want now’.

"Listen I didn't mean to come out as rude back there. But you really shouldn't be walking alone this late at night"

"You don't need to worry about me, I can handle myself, plus I called my boyfriend."

I lied.

"Oh really. I don't see him anywhere" He taunted, moving his hand to show no one in sight.

A knot formed in my neck as I tried to swallow. My next few words coming out broken. "He p-probably didn't receive my message"

I lied again.

I increased my pace in order to lose him. I had to, before tears began to form. There's one thing I hated more than my mother drinking and that was crying.

To be specific people seeing me cry. It made me feel weak and that's something I never want to show.

"Well if that's the case, I'm not leaving you all alone to wander elsewhere. I'll walk you home". His offer sounding sincere to his word as he flashed a gummy smile.

The corner of my mouth twitched, almost wanting to smile.

"If I do, will that make you go away" expecting a simple answer.

"Yea... for now" he said said playfully nudging my arm.

"Ash..." I rolled my eyes in annoyance letting out a smile this time.

"Don't lie to me. A deal is a deal" I stated making sure he knew not to cross boundaries.

He Began to speak trying to engage in conversation.

"The sky seems brighter with the stars shining every now and then" I said staring up at the sky.

A shimmer in his eyes "Yeah it is." He agreed, taking off his hat to slightly fix it for a better view. "It's the beauty we see in the small imperfections nature has to offer."

I stared up at the Night sky.

Droplets of water landing on our faces. We kept walking and talking a bit more sharing laughs and small chuckles here and there.

The walk was only twenty minutes but it felt longer and I was grateful for it.

Across the streets there it was, my apartment. All the lights from every other apartment was off including mine. Which was a good sign, indicating my mother was still in deep slumber.

"Well this is it. Thank you again and goodbye" I said waiting for the light to turn red.

I walked away, still feeling his eyes on me every step of the way. Forbidding myself to turn back.

I hope we meet again stranger.

#oneshot #bangtan #min yoong #fiction #short story #bts imagines #bts scenarios #kim taehyung #taehyung #btsfanfic

[thisisstillme]

Less Drinking More Thinking

Its been a busy couple of weeks, mostly celebrating my birthday, in my usual manner, drinking gallons of wine. There were brunches, lunches, dinners, drinks and an overnight stay in a safari park, it was all very enjoyable (what I can remember anyway) but I've been becoming increasingly aware of something. I drink far too much. I know for some of you who know me are probably thinking "no shit Sherlock" I am stating the obvious, but I have finally had to admit to myself that I do have an issue with alcohol and more importantly, I want to do something about it.

I was out with a friend a couple of weeks ago and he had taken another friend to an alcoholics anonymous meeting as he was concerned about him. He told me it was a real eye opener and nothing like it's portrayed on TV. People were living normal lives, weren't necessarily having a glass of vodka with their cornflakes, yet they do have an issue with alcohol. It actually put my friend off of drinking and he was only going for support. Since then I am continually seeing articles about drinking, alcoholism, drink problems etc and I really feel like someone is sending me a sign. I am seeing this stuff daily for gods sake!

I have convinced myself previously that people with alcohol issues are incoherent, aggressive, loud and smell of wee, this can't be me! People are always saying that when they've seen me out they didn't even realise I was drunk, I mean I don't even get hangovers?! No ones ever told me I smell of wee? But the reality of that, whilst it may seem like a good thing, is that its more likely to be that I have built up a tolerance to alcohol over years and that is not good. I have however suffered from regular blackouts, sometimes after only a small amount of alcohol, suffered from the shakes after a few days of consistent drinking, Stomach upsets, disturbed sleep and night sweats, which I recently learned, is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. I am honestly quite ashamed, how did I get here?

10 years ago, I barely drank, I would go out and have a drink, but I would never drink at home, I could go out to dinner without having a glass of wine, it never crossed my mind. I drank like a normal person, I could take it or leave it. I think the turning point was when I was going through a break up, a big one, a complete life changing break up (ultimately for the better) but at the time I felt extremely alone, you would never have thought it and I would never have admitted it as it was my decision and showing any sign of weakness would have looked like I had made the wrong decision (in my mind) and I knew I hadn't. I just didn't want to feel anything, I wanted to just be able to breathe and to not talk about it, not be judged, I wanted to move forward with my life. I remember being in the house that my ex and I had shared and just wanting to not think about anything, all there was in the house was red wine and I didnt like red wine, but I drank it anyway, I drank the whole bottle, I'd achieved my goal, I was most certainly numb and chilled, it felt good. That became my coping mechanism and still is today (I also love red wine now!!)

It wasnt particularly easy for me to admit, to myself, let alone anyone else, but the truth has finally hit home. I have just had pretty much two weeks solid of drinking, I'd find myself reaching for the gin because I'd had a stressful day at work, going for a wine at lunch because I was pissed off with my husband or popping the prosecco to celebrate my best friends, cousins, sisters, fathers, hamsters beards new job. Whilst I accept that I probably wont give up drinking alcohol altogether, I don't particularly want to, I do need to cut back - A LOT. I want to be in control of my drinking and my emotions, not the other way around.

When I drink, I am constantly tired, feeling snappy, my moods are low and I have zero energy, I don't want to do anything. I either eat crap, yet keep complaining that I can't lose weight! I am my own worst enemy. I drink even when I don't even want to, even when everyone else is having a diet coke, I'll still have a wine, because I am in a pub and that's what I do, its become a very bad habit and I need to take action to break it.

I went on the trusty t'internet and found a great website called ClubSoda which is all about mindful drinking. They have different Facebook groups, which I've listed below, one those who want to cut back, those who are sober there is also an LGBT one, there is something for everyone, the website was really helpful and informative, it's non judgemental and although I hadn't interacted or joined any of the groups I felt a certain sort of comfort that I wasn't alone, I mean that causes the majority of anxiety right? Feeling like you're the only one. There is such a relief in the realisation that someone else understands what we're going through.

I found myself envying these people who can go out and have a good time without necking the wine, this says so much about me and how I feel about myself. There are some situations where I absolutely would not consider going without a drink, the alcohol is my confidence. When I thought about it, I have addressed my anxiety issues and am on medication for the depression, how about I try to actually be myself and not this facade that the drink makes me become? Surely I don't need to drink to have a good time? Surely I'm more than my drunken alter ego? I really hope so.

I also downloaded the drinkaware app (you know I love an app) You can set weekly goals of how much/often/when you drink. I have set my first week up allowing myself alcohol on Thursday, as I have a birthday lunch and a night out and Friday, I don't actually have any plans on Friday but I didn't want to run before I could walk. I've also set myself a limit of units that I can have this week. I wasnt aware that women should only be drinking 14 units per week?! My husband jokingly said "that's a days worth for you!" When I calculated, roughly, what I had last week it was 72 units! And for what? 95% of that was "just because it was there" So my plan is to stick to the 14 units this week, if I happen to drink all of that on Thursday then I will try to refrain from drinking on Friday.

The App is a bit like a myfitnesspal for booze. You type in what units you have and it tells you the following:

Units

Calories

Equivalent minutes running

Equivalent burgers

Money spent

I can't tell you how much better I feel for finally addressing this with myself as I have been in denial for some time.

I have the incentive of my holiday in just over one month. I now just need to find something different to do when I would usually reach for a drink, such as write, so you may be seeing a few more blogs from me in future, I might even get around to writing that book!