#but the thing i can control is how i spend my time and what i give attention to

[cosmic-ghost-hermit]

YOOOOOOO come join my divination discord!!! Some of y’all have attempted to join but quickly dip out before you type out your introductions. Just know you won’t have full access to the server until you fill out the intro. Thank y’all for understanding why I take the precautions and can not wait to see ya there. Take what resonates and leave all that doesn't behind. Don’t forget to be open to new experiences and perspectives.

Discord Link

PILE 1

Crystal Combo: Jasper+Flower Agate

Astrology: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

Vibes: 🤎🤍🐻📺🍪⚰️🧺🦅⛸️🪰🥔💀🐌⏳🦗🧸☕️🦘👻🕰️🌰🪜🦫🚪🏈🏹🍺🪵☁️🎻🥥🌪️🧆🥚🧋🥜🕰️

Hey there! Welcome to your reading pile 1. Your soul family will enter your life when you begin to accept yourself as you are. Your true nature is hidden from the world out of a sense of fear of rejection and disappointment in yourself. Your soul family wouldn’t be able to recognise you if they met you right now. Be kind to your true form. Accept them with open arms and love them for who they are. It doesn’t matter if they are weird or abrasive. You need to stop watering yourself down for people who don’t love you for who you are. Why would you water down something so sweet? I understand where you are coming from by treating yourself the way you do and it is absolutely going to take hard work for you to change your mindset about yourself. You are capable. Hard things are worth doing but right now the hard stuff you are attempting is to seek acceptance from people who will never want you to be yourself. Do not let them control you. Do not let them quiet your voice. Talk as loud as you want and talk about the stuff you love! Your voice is fascinating and beautiful. If you don’t embrace yourself your soul family will take it’s sweet time getting to you. Aphrodite wants to practice self-love and is willing to help you figure it out. Good luck on your self acceptance, my friend!

PILE 2

Crystal Combo: Moss Agate+Yellow Calcite

Astrology: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius

Vibes: 🩵💛🥶😱🦋🐯❄️💫🌊🌙🫐🍋💦🍯🥏🥞🎭💎🔑💠⚜️✈️🚕🥣🎾🛋️🧽📘📒🖲️💡🪼🐠🐟🐱🐳🐤🌎⛈️

Hi, pile 2! You have your full attention on finding your soul family and it’s really all you think about. I see you frantically searching for love on dating apps and joining clubs for things you don’t really care about just for the sake of making those connections with soul family members that you crave so deeply. I love your ambition and the universe recognises your hard work. Spirit suggests a different approach to your goal. You have so much passion in your heart and spirit asks you to aim it at things that you truly care about. Spend your time getting to know your values and interests! Learn all you can about yourself and maybe pick up reading. If you don’t like to read then maybe try some audiobooks instead. The people you are spending so much energy and time on are not going to be able to spend the same amount of energy on you. I see that if you spend time on activism of any kind that you truly really care about you will find the soul family you desire so fervently. You will meet people who care about the same stuff you care for with just as much as you give. They will be able to match your intensely vibrant energy and they will be able to satisfy your voracious hunger for admiration and love. I believe in you, my friend. Go after what YOU care about. You will find what you want. Hermes will guide you on this journey.

PILE 3

Crystal Combo: Rose Quartz+Carnelian

Astrology: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Vibes: ❤️‍🔥🧡🍀🚨💚🔥🍏🍊🥢🧃🍓🌵🌶️🌹🐉🐡🐞🎒🥻💋👺🏓🪀⛳️🫕🍣🥗🥒🥑🪴🌿🐸🐍🦊🤬🧑🏼‍🎤🍄

Welcome pile 3! You have a very quick mind and a very energetic spirit, my friend. I see that you have been begging the universe to give you your soul family. I see how much you have cried over this. How much you have felt about this. I am so sorry you feel so lonely, pile 3. I know how lonely it feels to want people to understand you and they just don’t get it. Have no fear your soul family is on their way. However, spirit really asks you to be patient with your soul tribe. You have worked on yourself with such intensity you sped through most of your growth faster than the universe had anticipated. You should really give yourself the credit your deserve about that by the way. You really left your guides speechless with how you learned so quickly. However, you tribe isn’t ready yet. If you met them right now they would not be ready for you. They need time to grow into the person you need them to be. They are still amidst their lessons. Allow the universe to guide them at whatever pace they need. Not everyone is going to learn as quickly as you did. While you are waiting they ask you to spend time in the astral realm or the dream realm. I hear Hecate reaching out to you and wanting to help you in your desires. Put time into your passions and have some good wholesome fun. If you really are lonely just remember your guides are always with you and you can talk with them. I know it isn’t quite the same as human interaction and I really do understand how much it hurts to feel so lonely. Your soul family is coming your way I promise you. I see at least 2 people and at most 5 that will enter your life in the next few years. I see even more down the line. Perhaps you might find a lover in your soul family and have children with them! Allow yourself to dream, my dear. You are not alone.

PILE 4

Crystal Combo: Rhodonite+Kiwi Jasper

Astrology: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces

Vibes: 🖤💣🎱🍙🦨🕷️🫖🐚🪽🏁🕸️🐼☠️🕶️♟️🎹🎼🤍✒️🛒🗝️🚽🩹⛸️🍽️🩼💻📞🎥🪮🩺🔭🎵👁️‍🗨️🔳♠️💬♣️🕐🏴‍☠️🩶

Hey there, pile 4. Your soul family is waiting for you. There are things you are learning right now that are very tough. I see you are working on becoming emotionally and financially stable. I see you looking inward to find your inner light. I am so proud of you for working so hard on this. The universe is teaching and guiding you along the way. Your guides are watching over you and taking such good care of you. I see how thankful to them you are but I also see how sad your past has been. You probably grew up in a very intense household. You only recently have left that situation. You could have left it behind physically but I think it’s more accurate to say your mind has been stuck in the past. Look at how far you have come. Look at where you are now! I know it isn’t perfect yet but wow you have done so good. Especially because of where you came from. Honestly, it is absolutely amazing to see someone with such a quality heart remain kind after what you have been through. You could have turned into the people who hurt you and you didn’t. That is worth celebrating. You are worth celebrating. Your soul family is ready to love you when you are ready to love yourself. You must do right by you, my dear friend. Do the right thing for you. So many people have wronged you and for a while, you followed close behind them to do exactly the same to yourself. You. Deserve. Better. And you know it. I am so proud of you for finally seeing that. What everyone in the past said about you and how they treated you was wrong. They are factually incorrect. They just got butt-hurt because you weren’t as easy to control as they thought you would be. You showed strength and they were jealous. Let yourself shine. Stop holding back. Love yourself the way you love others so deeply. The universe loves you. I love you. I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember you are protected. I see Apollo looking after you.

#tarot #tarot reading #astrology #pick a crystal #pick a pile #tarot pick a card #crystals #pick a card #spirituality #tarot spread #spiritualgrowth #spirit #spiritual awakening #soul family #soul tribe #soulmates #twin flame #twin souls #oracle cards #oracle deck #oracle #apollo #aphrodite #hecate #hermes #hellenism #hellenistic polytheism

[thesilmarillionblog]

𓏲 𓂃 L o s i n g Y o u

Part: 4

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: Everything was good as a member of Payback and Soldier Boy's secret girlfriend until the team and your relationship with him began to fall apart due to a new member and her developing relationship with Ben right in front of your eyes.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: Heavy angst, hurt, smut, cruel Soldier Boy, mention of drugs, reader gets hurt in both ways, violence, Soldier Boy gets hurt, Crimson Countess is a bitch

Word Count: 3584

A/N: English is not my first language.

* This story is inspired by the song "Losing You" by Dream Evil.

It had been a week since Ben fired you from Payback, and you did nothing but spending your whole time in your home since that day.You made up your mind not to go back, even though the authorities tried to talk you out of it. Your idea wasn’t important actually, everything was all about Ben and his stupid ego. You wished you punched his arrogant face that day.

He was your ally, friend and lover, but he had make you his enemy in the end for nothing.

It was hard to swallow what happened between you, but it wasn't as though you lacked pride. It would be best, after all that, to just walk away. You didn't need to ask Ben for anything anymore. After he made his decision, your anger subsided. But you were powerless to avoid the agony in your heart. There was nothing you could do if he was really in love with Crimson.

Being a good person is not enough to love or be loved after all.

You could feel Ben's presence and hear his noises about your house on a Friday night. You wondered what he would say to further hurt your heart or what else he would discuss. Your heart was cursed for continuing to race while he was around. But you knew that all you really needed was a little time to let go of the emotions that were burning in your chest. As they say, what's out of sight is out of mind.

You let out a long sigh as he entered the home silently and opened the door with ease. You hadn't seen his face without that dumb mask in a very long time. You hated how well it fit his haughty persona.

“Ben, what are you doing here?” you said, seeing him inspect the house as though it was his first time.

He said in an arrogant tone, “I came here to talk,” as he moved closer to you and closed the door.

While sitting on the couch behind, you sighed and said, “I don't think there is anything left to talk it out.”

“You know, it's not like I want you to come back. Don't believe otherwise,” he murmured as he sat next to you as if nothing had ever happened between you. “However, those cocksuckers don't let you leave so easily. I have to bring you back to the team because of them.”

It was stupid of you that, for even a split second, you believed he would apologize, make amends, and put things right. Ben was right; you didn't know anything about him at all. It took you a while to find the right words to respond.

With a disappointed expression on your face, you turned to face him and muttered, “I can't believe you. How do you keep yourself so insensitive?”

He got annoyed by your tone and said, “I am what I am,” in an icy voice. “Perhaps your brain is traumatized from creating so many romantic scenarios about me.”

How weak you were when it came to him made your eyes tear, both with rage and anguish. You were unaware of how your heart could possibly desire him in spite of his cruel nature.

“I just feel sorry for you, Ben,” you said with all sincerity. It was true. “You think you have power over everything, but you’re actually controlled by everyone around you. Get out of here now. I’m not going back and I never ever will.”

You made a move to stand, but his rough hands stopped you, saying, “They won’t simply let you go. You have no chance.”

“No one can force me to do anything. I can do whatever I want, unlike you,” you said firmly. “And everyone will leave you alone if you continue to behave like this, like a jackass. Crimson will be the first to betray you; keep that in mind. Noir will leave the team too; you’ll see it.”

You couldn't help but bring up the Crimson issue, even though it wasn't your primary intention to bring it up. You weren't God's greatest soldier when it came to love.

“Is he the cause of your current behavior?” He stared at you hatefully and questioned you, raising his voice. “Did you get fucked by him?”

You shouted at him, “Of course not!” as you avoided his hard touch on your arm. “How on earth are you able to say such a thing to me while you are one who ruined everything? I can't fucking believe you.”

“I want you to get out of here,” you added, cutting him off from further conversation. Ben, I'm not turning back. This is where we end it. The discussion is over.”

He was looking at your lips as though he wasn’t listening to you at all. Before you reacted, his warm lips were on yours. Your hands immediately pulled him closer. You wished you were stronger than this, but it didn’t feel wrong. You missed him way too much to be able to resist his kisses and touch. Maybe he felt the same about you.

Remembering your first time on that same couch with him months ago, you felt like it had been years since he’d touched you. His tongue dominated your mouth when he pushed you to the couch and got on top of you with a quick move. It seemed that your transparent pride was high on cocaine, but your body needed him more than anything.

His mouth met yours for a long, passionate kiss before his hand found its way into your sweatpants and then your underwear. As his hand touched your wetness, you let out a gasp of excitement. He was staring at you in an unidentified way, and you blinked. He took a moment to measure your response and see whether you desired it as well, but as soon as he realized everything was okay, he continued kissing you and put his meaty finger inside. You nailed his

back, feeling his thick finger inside yours. You knew that once he got his hands on you, you would quickly reach climax. You locked your legs around his hips as he continued to fuck you with his fingers.

With a sly smile, Ben asked, “Do you miss me?” and inserted another finger inside of you. You urged him to go harder as your legs began to shake. “Want me to give you a hard and quick fuck? Would you rather it was my cock inside of you?”

As you got closer to your climax, your lips parted, and he added a third finger, making you moan loudly. Without letting you talk, he started kissing you again and silenced your moans. You missed him so much that your eyes got teary from both pleasure and longing. You told him you’d never say that you loved him ever again, but you wanted to say it so much at that moment. You didn’t know how to make him believe you about your feelings.

You moaned in his mouth when your walls clanched around his meaty fingers. It’s been long since you’ve masturbated, so you couldn’t stop yourself from coming that easy. Your face was blushing because of the intensity of the moment.

He continued to finger you until you became very sensitive, at which point he pulled his fingers out of your wet pussy and placed another strong kiss on your lips. Based on the way his hardness felt on your stomach, you assumed he was going to take you there. You could even start over. When he didn't move, you waited anxiously and looked bewildered.

“It seems that I still have power over you, though, baby,” he remarked, smirking as he licked his fingers covered with your slick as your face flushed with both anger and shame.

Outrage rising in your heart, you pushed him back by his chest from on top of you. He'd done a lot to you already, but now he was doing this too. It was the final time he let you down. Even though what you said was a complete lie, you felt as though you meant every word as you said, “I hate you.”

“Yeah, that's more realistic of you,” he said in a harsh voice, adjusting his supe as he stood up. “You'll return to the team in a week; otherwise, I don't know what they'll do to you. I'll give you a little more time.”

You gave him an angry glare and said, “Get the fuck out of my house,” but he had already left.

You started crying like a crazy person while sitting on the floor, so you grabbed the closest chair and threw it against the door. You wished he had died that night with Crimson because you loathed him so much. Up until that night, you had hopes for him and yourself, but it was now clear that Ben had never loved you back and never would. All he liked was how you responded to him and your loyalty to him. Never in your life have you felt so humiliated.

Even though you were undoubtedly the strongest supe woman on the planet, you were vulnerable and in need of Ben's tiny attention. You cried more, realizing that you had become a pathetic creature. You never ought to have signed up for Payback.

When Ben heard you crying, he considered talking to you again, perhaps to soothe you. In reality, he only intended to persuade you to return to Payback; he wasn't aiming to upset you or finger you when he visited your home. However, he did cause you distress and sorrow. He listened to you cry a little longer, but at that point lacked the courage to confront you. After all, you were simply too furious to have another discussion. He was aware that you would always be alright, though.

You arranged to meet with an older director from Compound V Company in his house two days later in an attempt to stop drawing attention to yourself. Although you made an effort to stay out, they made every effort to get you to rejoin the team. You decided not to say anything about Ben when asked if it has anything to do with his attitude or anything else so as not further aggravate a situation that is already complicated.

While sipping his tea, the elderly guy remarked, "The company can raise your wage as much as you want." Behind him was a stupid painting of Payback.

“I’m already rich,” you answered with a smile.

You are, of course. With a fake smile, he said, “Thanks to us,” getting up and positioning himself in front of the window with his hands in his pockets. “You know, we discussed what happened on the battlefield with Soldier Boy. We made it extremely clear that the way he handled you in front of everyone who was there was completely inappropriate. His actions are not acceptable to the company. He'll be happy to have you back on the squad and wants to make amends with you. Presumably, he has already spoken with you.”

“He did, but I’m not going to change my mind,” you said, trying to sound nice and clear. “It’s not about him. It’s just that I’m very tired of everything: the media, movies, ads, etc. I’m not sure if that’s the life I imagined for myself.”

Even though you weren’t sure if you were telling the truth or not, the truth is, you joined Payback for Ben. If there were no him with you, it didn’t mean anything to you.

“Well, I offered everything I could, and it doesn’t seem like I can convince you then.” He gave up and raised his eyebrows with a fed-up look. “We've known each other for a long time, but I guess it’s time to say goodbye, huh?”

You said, “I'm sorry,” having absolutely no idea how to proceed.

You were relieved that leaving the company wouldn't be as difficult as Ben mentioned. He was vile in his attempt to frighten you or anything. Additionally, you didn't have to worry about money because you had earned enough to live comfortably for a long time. You were at last free.

You ran into Ben on the road after you left the house. He will most likely be given information about your situation. He moved to put his hand on your arm to stop you, but you managed to ignore him and continue walking by.

You knew that what he had done to you in the last few months wouldn’t be forgotten, as he gave your heart a big and deep scar, but at least you wouldn’t let him cut you even deeper.

You sold your house and moved to a place only Earving knew in order to ensure that Ben would never find you again. After all, he was the only trustworthy person you knew, and you had faith that he would keep his word. Perhaps all you really wanted was to be found, but that wasn't very significant anymore.

You tried to enjoy your fortune while you were finally free by going to the movies and spending time by yourself. To those who recognized you, you still gave them your signature, but you took great care to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Even yet, you felt sick seeing Ben and Crimson's posters all over the

city. Seeing Ben enjoy himself with Crimson while you were suffering because of him was just so unfair. He didn’t even try to find you when you left so many traces.

One day, when you were about to go into your house, you saw another car that was parked nearby your garage. Seeing the shiny red color of the car, your eyes narrowed. Realizing that someone was in your house, you went by the threshold and took a deep breath, sensing Crimson’s presence.

“Have your parents not taught you to never enter a house without permission?” You asked in an irritated tone.

She paused, pulling off a flower from your vase, and laughed as she took in the scent.

“It appears that you have become a gardener, Y/N. How far you have fallen,” she said in such a haughty voice that you felt like laughing at her ignorance.

“I don’t know how often your little brain gets railed by idiocy, but if you ever touch my flowers again, you will go back to where you came from without your big red head,” you said with a serious face. “Now tell me, why are you here?”

Her face fell with your your statement and she frowned her eyebrows.

“Something terrible happened.” She stated, “I thought you would want to hear it,” wearing a worried expression.

“What happened?” You muttered. The thing that brought her to your house worried you.

Earving was the first thing that came to mind. He informed you that Ben was bullying him severely and persistently and that it had gotten worse just a few days before. That's why you were afraid Ben had finally hurt him. As you waited to hear the worst, your heart paced with fear.

“It’s about Soldier Boy,” she said. She was looking at your expression very carefully.

“What about him?”

You wanted to sound cold and distant, but in fact, you were worried. You knew that he was the strongest, but he wasn’t the smartest considering his trust for that woman.

“As you may know, he hasn't been seen recently on screens or anywhere else. Because he is a little out of control, he is no longer wanted as the leader of Payback.” She stated, trying to read your face, “They are planning to find a way to kill him and tell people that he sacrificed himself for this country, etc.”

It was impossible to get underneath Ben's skin. There was no way they would have managed hurt him, not even with thousands of people or supes.

“What are you saying?” You whispered, unsure of what she was even talking about.

“They simply tricked him by sending him on some sort of mission. I'm not sure what kind of gas it is, but they are exposing him to a kind of gas which is making him to stay unconscious day and night, and he's going to be shipped to Russia tomorrow in the morning. He will never wake up, so I need someone to help him.”

The way she described him made your heart race. In an attempt to picture him as helpless, you took a deep breath to calm yourself. But knowing Crimson wasn't a reliable person, “Where were you when he needed you? Also, why don't you help him?” you asked aggressively with an obvious tone of suspicion.

“He is well guarded. Even some other supes are waiting outside of his box,” she licked her lips and murmured. She was so calm that it disgusted you. “And I'm not as strong as you are, as you know.”

She obviously lacked the guts to get her hands a little filthy. She didn't care about him enough, as you know, to take a small risk.

“Where is that location? Just give me the address,” you said in an aggressive yet unhesitating voice.

You were annoyed when she handed you a small piece of paper and sighed in relief as she said, “It's not far from here.” But at that point, you didn't give a damn about her. After all, if she hadn't told you, you'd never know what had happened to Ben.

You wouldn't allow them to treat Ben that way in spite of everything he has done to you. How could you go on living while he was unconscious and under the care of strangers in another nation? Though you were certain that they would never be able to murder him, the thought of him being tortured was much more unsettling. Without saying anything more to Countess, you left your house and drove directly to the address stated in the paper. If they discovered that you were the one who saved Soldier Boy, it would make no difference. You would think about such things later.

You cautiously examined the modest building, guarded by just two guys in uniform, after you had parked the car. You thought that would be easy. You were not interested in paying attention, even though they were very easy for you to handle. You decided to make some noise, so you picked up a big rock and tossed it out the window. Moving quickly to the back of the building, they exchanged glances and tightly grasped the weapons they were carrying.

When it comes to idiocy, men never let you down.

You hurried inside the building and effortlessly unlocked the large door. The dimly lit interior of the strangely dark building made you anxiously listen to every breath and voice around you. Feeling perplexed and irritated, you began looking in every room for Ben.

“Hey, you!” someone shouted at you. “What the hell are you doing here? Any entrance to this area is restricted by the government; you cannot simply go in.”

Well, you can.

Without saying a thing, you hit his head hard enough to knock him out, but not hard enough to kill him. You murmered an apology.

But then you heard the alarm go off, and you hurried to look for Ben. Inside the building, there was loud chaos, screaming, and gunfire from the people who showed as though they could harm you.

Ben was nowhere to be found when you finally made it into the last room at the end of the hallway. Nothing at all could be found showing his presence. Though you were both supes and could easily smell and hear voices, you were certain Ben wasn't around.

When the door was slammed behind you, you tried to get out, but the strong gas in the room caused you to cough, and you collapsed to the ground, feeling weary and numb. You realized then that you would be the one sent to Russia. Before you passed out, Ben was all that was on your mind. Your eyes filled with tears when you noticed the gas was making you cough in pain. Maybe Ben and Crimson worked together to trick you. But why would he make you suffer like that?

︵︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

A/N: Here we go… We haven’t finished yet. Comments and reblogs are very appreciated! You can check my Masterlist for other Soldier Boy / Reader fics. There is still so much to come. <3

Taglist: @mostlymarvelgirl @xmariakx @spnfamily-j2 @suspicious-stain-in-spain @atomicsoulcollecto @yvonneeeee @starryperson @mfnqueen1 @chaand-sitara @boywivlove   @stilinskisthings

Let me know if you want to be tagged for this series! -`♡´-

#the boys #jensen ackles soldier boy #the boys tv #soldier boy x reader #jensen ackles #the boys season 3 #soldier boy the boys #soldier boy #soldier boy fanfiction #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy x y/n #soldier boy x you #the boys series #the boys x reader #the boys x y/n #the boys x you #the boys soldier boy #soldier boy fic #soldier boy smut #the boys amazon #the boys season 4

[slushycoookie]

My Husband Has a Symbiote! Pt.5

Pt.1 ~ Pt.2 ~ Pt.3 ~ Pt.4 ~ Pt.5

Relationship: Miguel O'Hara x AFAB! Reader

Word Count: 3.2k

Content: Lactation kink, pregnancy sex, childbirth, MINORS DNI!!!

Summary: In the final stage of your pregnancy, you find out a new thing your husband likes.

A/N: This will be the "last" part of this mini-series. I'm leaving it open-ended just in case I have another one in me. But count this as complete! I appreciate anyone who's been reading! (And I totally forgot to make a tag list. I will do that next time I do a series.)

“Aww, you shouldn’t have!” You hold up the hundredth spider suit onesie designed for an infant.

Miles' small smile was something you couldn’t be upset at, “It's no problem. But there's more.” He points to the tissue paper, causing you to look deeper inside. You gasp at the hand-drawn baby book. It's colorful and bright with a story about how a young spider made her way to find her family.

“Miles! This is adorable.” You squeal with excitement, holding it up for Miguel who was watching from afar with a smile. You motion Miles over to proceed to kiss his face with gratitude. Miles accepts your appreciation before politely pulling away.

“You're welcome.”

“My turn!” Another spider jumped in with another present.

For some reason, you've never pictured yourself having a baby shower. At HQ, out of all places. Plenty at Spider Society wanted to give you gifts to celebrate the baby. Which mainly consisted of their spider merch for babies.

Others were thoughtful. Hobie gave you a few CDs of punk music for the baby. He said it was supposed to help with developmental growth. Pavitr and Gwen collaborated on buying some baby toys. It was mainly stuffed animals. Somehow you also noticed the stuffed version of their spider personas in there. And Margo gave a few video games that also helped the development of the baby. Although these weren't going to be used until your child was big enough to hold a controller.

You were ecstatic to have a large circle who loved and cared for you genuinely.

“Oh, you're…leaking.” A spider pointed out. You looked down and your blouse was getting stained by milk droplets from your breasts.

Miguel was immediately by your side with a few wipes, “We can stop if you want-”

“I'm ok.” You said, “It's just a little milk.” In fact, it's been happening occasionally throughout your third trimester. Milk staining your shirts, preparing for your baby. Your husband lingered by your side for a moment and you caught him glancing at your breasts. Probably out of concern.

After getting home from the baby shower, Miguel insisted you relax on the couch. Making you watch him carry endless boxes from the party through the portal, setting them inside the house.

“I guess we don't have to worry about getting baby clothes for a while, huh?” You joked, losing count on how many baby spider onesies you all received.

“I'm not having our daughter just wear clothes that look like spider suits.” Miguel sighed, looking amongst all the boxes. Trying to figure out where to put them. You stood, ready to come to his aid. “I got this, baby. Go sit and relax.”

“I've been sitting all day.” You reminded him. “I need something to do.” You picked up a marker and started to go through what was in each box and label it. The two of you agreed to keep a few boxes in the house and put the rest in the garage. ‘It's what they're for’ as your husband would say.

It was a comfortable silence while you two dove in the boxes. After spending all day surrounded by people who constantly congratulated you, giving you stuff you needed, it was nice to enjoy the quiet. You two were pretty much ready for the due date in a couple of weeks. Miguel was not going to stand being underprepared if he couldn’t help it.

The boxes were almost done, your husband paused and honed on your breasts. “It's happening again.”

“God.” You huffed, going to the nearest bathroom. Quickly grabbing some paper towels. You understood that you had to produce milk for your baby, but it was getting a little annoying.

“Shut up.” You heard your husband say. It caused you to peek out from the doorframe in question.

“What was that?”

“Nothing!” Miguel quickly said, “It's just Ravage.”

You blinked, decided to not indulge and went back to cleaning yourself up. You were actually surprised by Ravage's willing cooperation throughout your pregnancy. The alien was still insatiable though and you were hesitant at first. Once the doctor reported that you should expect to have a healthy pregnancy, the symbiote was on to have sex a lot. Not letting a baby bump stop them from getting what they want..

It was actually nice though since your hormones have been off the charts. If you even looked at Miguel, you'd get horny. Not caring where you were at all. As long as he fucked you.

“Need some help?”

Miguel asked, standing by the door with a washcloth in his hand. He closes the door to the bathroom to create some more privacy like you two didn’t have.

“It's ok.” You try to decline but he takes away the paper towels, tossing them in the trash.

“It's not. Let me.” He dabs the warm, damp cloth on your breast. A much better feeling than the coarse texture the paper towel gave. You didn’t protest, knowing he was going to care for you in any way he can. But you watched his eyes.

They were honed in on your breasts. As if he was under a spell. Enraptured by the rag soaking up the milk droplets from your nipples. You held your breath, worried that if a small gust escaped you, it would break him from his trance.

“I think you're good.” Miguel snaps himself out of it, shooting you a small smile.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm ok. Why?”

You weren't sure whether to bring up what you just saw. Maybe it was your hormones acting up again. “Nothing. Nevermind.” You reassure him with a kiss.

While getting ready for your due date, you wanted to get ahead on things. You spoke to Jess on some breastfeeding tips. You figured it would be a good idea to ask since you've been leaking every five minutes.

The spider woman helps you on how to hold the baby, demonstrating by holding the air. You were listening to what she was saying, but you wondered if it would be better to have a visual aid.

“I would show you with Gerry, but he's a bit old to be breastfeeding now.” Jess laughs, “But I think there's something that could help.”

She shows you the breastfeeding dolls. Designed to do exactly what the name says. A baby with its mouth partially opened, giving you ample amount of practice to hold your baby correctly while they're feeding. And you could customize the baby too.

You quickly bought one, excited when it arrived a few days later. You undressed your fake baby from the plastic, eager to try it out.

With the help of Jess’ advice and a few diagrams from the pamphlet that was with your baby, you practiced. Holding the child close to your chest, making sure the mouth was positioned correctly so your not real kid was fed. How convenient that while you were practicing, milk started to leak from your nipple again. Into your fake baby's mouth.

“What are you doing?”

You turn from your position on the couch to see your husband, back from work. His face twisted in question. “Practicing. Wanna see?”

“Practicing what?” Miguel hesitantly walks over, answering his question as he sees you and the fake baby. “You need to practice breastfeeding?”

You nod, still cradling the child in your arms. “I want to make sure I get it right. I don't want to mess it up.”

“You won't mess it up.” He sits beside you, “I know you won’t.”

“Thanks. But I just wanna make sure.” You go back to pretend feeding your baby. Miguel is still next to you, watching you practice. It wasn't weird, you figured he wants to see how it works.

“And you need a fake baby to practice?”

“Yes, Miguel.” You give him a quick kiss to make him hush and you think that works but…

“This baby doesn't have fangs. Our baby might.”

You purse your lips, “I know. We already talked about the genetic make-up of our kid.” It was concluded that there was a strong chance your daughter would have fangs and red eyes. Since the percentage of spider genes in your spouse was 50/50. But you didn’t care. You'd love your daughter if she had eight eyes.

“Then maybe you should practice with something that has fangs.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion, “The baby design options were not that detailed. And we don't know any babies with fangs. Not that I'm saying to steal a baby, I'm just-”

Miguel takes the fake baby from you, placing it behind himself. Your eyes follow his movements when he turns you to face him.

“I have fangs.”

You blink, “They retract.”

“So?”

“So, I'm not going to breastfeed you.”

“Why not?” He looks at your chest again, still exposed from your practice. Milk leaking out once more.

You force out a chuckle, “Mig, you don't want to drink from my boob.”

“I didn't say that. Why are you implying that I don't want to taste?” His thumb presses against your nipple, drops of milk pouring down his digit. “It's food that helps feed our baby. It's not dangerous or anything.

You bite your lip as he flicks your nipple to watch the milk pour out. You didn’t want to admit out loud that seeing him like this was sexy.

“Is this you or Ravage being like this?”

Miguel leans forward, his body right above yours, “This is me and Ravage.”

“Oh.” Your face starts to get hot, “How long have you two been like this?”

“Since you started leaking. I'm not proud of the unnecessary thoughts I've had.” He ducks his head in embarrassment. But you couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that your husband wants to suck on your tiddy.

“I don't mind.”

Miguel groaned, his hands gripping the couch. “Sure you don't. I feel like a…pervert.”

“You're not a pervert.” You reassure him by resting a hand on his cheek. “You're just…discovering something new.”

“That's putting it lightly.” Miguel starts to push away, shutting himself down from what he craved deep down. But you didn’t want him to make him feel ashamed. You wanted him to do it.

By taking his arm, you make him stay. Removing your shirt, ignoring the milk dripping down to the underside of your breast. You keep calm as Miguel’s eyes darken at the sight of you. Licking his lips at the sight of the liquid. “Do it. It's ok.”

He bends down after your permission, capturing a breast between his lips. Miguel sucks, his body rumbling at the taste of your milk. Because of your hormones, everything was dialed up to 11. The sensation of his lips on you was enough for your wetness to stir down below. An embarrassing whimper escapes you, while you clutch at him in need.

Miguel makes sure both of your breasts are tended to by licking a strip of excess milk up from your other breast. His groans fill the open space and your ears.

“You taste delicious.” He compliments after getting the remaining droplets from your skin. “Our baby will love it.”

You notice his bulge amongst his pants, “You're loving it too.”

Miguel’s hand dips inside past your sweatpants and underwear. The lightest touch amongst your folds makes you croon as he feels your wetness. “So are you.”

Miguel became relentless once he started tasting your breast milk. The two of you played it under the guise that you were practicing when this was nowhere near that. Whenever you two were alone and you started leaking, instead of using a tissue, he used his mouth. Collecting every ounce of milk that came from your nipple.

It was addicting.

Your husband taking turns with the symbiote, tongues lapping at your nipples, tasting every single drop. Satisfied for the day. Especially when it came during sex.

You wondered if your belly would be in the way but Miguel took care of that. Using his strength to make sure he did all of the work, not you.

He would secure you by gripping your thighs. Spreading your legs just right before lifting you up and sinking you down on his gigantic cock. You refrain him from taking his symbiote form while having sex during the last trimester, unsure if his larger length would affect the baby. But his normal body was more than enough.

You'd whine while taking him as he lazy thrusts up into you. His face buried in your chest as he did so. Sucking on any drop of milk, groaning with his movements. Your arousal coated his cock, easy for him to slip and slide right in. And then a sense of satisfaction waved over your body once you were finished.

You had to enjoy these moments while you still can.

Your due date was coming in a few days. In a perfect world, Miguel would stay by your side. Watching over you and ready to go once the big day arrived. Instead, there was an influx of anomalies popping up in different dimensions. Leaving your husband to take care of it.

Plans had to change. He connected his watch to yours so he'd be informed when you call him for the big moment. He promised to pick up right away. You noticed his annoyance of the change of plans, knowing he didn't like not being nearby while you were like this. But you took it in stride. Soon, your baby girl will be here in your world.

Miguel had to go once more, kissing you goodbye along with the usual spiel of what to do when your water breaks. You decided to do a once over the baby’s room for the fifth time this week. A wide range of emotions consumed you, from excitement to fear. You want to be a good caretaker for your daughter. But you didn’t want to mess it up. All the self-help parenting books in the world wouldn't help you with the real thing.

A strange rush of fluids went through your lower body, staining your pants and the floor in the baby's room. Did your water just break?

Sharp pains riddle your stomach as you lean on the crib for support. The baby was coming. You tried to call Miguel through your watch, taking slow, deep breaths. You weren't going to panic. You two had planned for this.

He wasn’t picking up.

You could hardly move. Any attempt committed shockwaves across your entire body. You can't have the baby here, by yourself in the baby room. So you called Lyla.

“Heyo! What can I do for ya-oh that's not good.” Lyla says while watching your hunched state.

“Where's my husband?”

The AI shows you a bunch of screens you couldn't understand at the moment. “Tech issue while on a mission. Margo and I are working on it but communication is currently difficult.”

“H-How long will it take?” You were hoping for a good answer, anything to soothe your worries.

“ETA is ten minutes for all communications to be back online.”

That was definitely something you were not looking for. “In ten minutes, I'll be having this baby-” You groan, a contraction hitting you. “I-Is it possible…to tell Miguel that our baby is coming?”

“I can but it'll be delayed. He won't get the message right away due to his location.”

“Would anyone get it at HQ?”

“Oh yeah, there’s no issues there.”

“Who's at Spider Society?”

Lyla did a scan. It was quick but in your current state, she took forever. “Ben is.”

“Will the message be delayed if you reach out to him?”

“No, he should get it instantly.”

You told Lyla to send messages to Miguel and his left-hand man. You knew your spouse was going to be upset that he missed the start of what would change both of your lives. But you don’t think you could wait for him any longer. With all the strength you could muster, you grab the baby bag and place it on your shoulder. It takes everything you can to maneuver to the living room so Ben could pick you up quickly.

To your relief he was there in a flash, blue eyes darting around to get a clear look at the situation.

“Hi, Benny.” You gave him a weary smile, “Can you get me to the hospital?”

He quickly nodded, putting the baby bag across his shoulders. “I can't wait to tell Miguel I came to the rescue. You think he'd give me a metal?”

“Maybe.” You pat his shoulder as he gently picks you up, positioning you tight as he goes through the portal.

Your husband made sure there was a maternity ward and a birthing center in the building. Making sure you get top-notch level care throughout your pregnancy. Right when Ben takes you in, Miguel picks right up.

“Are you okay? Lyla told me the baby's on the way.” Before you could answer, you whined, a contraction stopping your words completely. That was enough to answer his question. “I'm coming. Just breathe like in those exercises we saw, okay? Like this.”

He starts breathing through the watch in a certain rhythm and you follow it as your doctors put you in a room. You lean against the hospital bed, the nurses helping change you into a gown.

“I really need you here, Miggy.”

You didn’t want to admit that you were scared. You had nine months to overcome your fear but now that you’re facing it, you wanted him there.

“I'm coming. Don't worry.”

True to his word, Miguel is in the delivery room not long after. Still in his suit but instantly by your side. You felt much better by his presence, gripping his hand as the birth of your baby began.

The entire labor was eight hours. You were doped up with medication so you couldn’t tell. The trials and tribulations of pushing, Miguel holding your hand to help you through it all. Thank goodness for his spider strength. It was hell, you weren’t sure if you wanted to get pregnant again after this. But it was all worth it for your baby girl.

Gabriella was beautiful with her brown skin, gentle red eyes and curly brown hair. Almost a spitting image of her father. A person you two made together after going through constant efforts of conception.

Miguel wipes his eyes, unsuccessful at holding back tears of joy. “She's beautiful.” He kisses your daughter's head and then yours.

Ravage comes out, the symbiote getting a good look at the sleeping baby in awe. “She smells. Like baby powder.”

“She does.” You press your nose to your daughter’s head, taking in that new baby smell. “Thanks, Rav. For helping us have this baby.”

The alien gets taken back. You wanted to express your gratitude, knowing your baby wouldn’t be here without them. “You are welcome.”

“We’re not letting you babysit though.” Miguel says, making it clear.

“At least until Gabi's older.” You clarified.

Ravage hums, “Fine. As long as we can have intercourse again.”

Miguel fights the urge to pinch his nose while you giggle. “Of course. Don't worry about that.”

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #miguel x reader #spiderman 2099 x reader #miguel o'hara smut #miguel fanfic #slushycoookie writes

[hotpinkstars]

What are your headcanons for the ranch you gave to Boothill and his fam.

Like. What animals do we own? Where does he spend most of his time? Which animals are his favorite? Whatever additional info you can think of :P

ooooh anon i gotchu

i think we'd own a smaller variety of things. maybe some cattle, a couple goats and sheep, maybe even a reptile or two, but more horses than anything.

idk, it might just be my personal opinion, but i think this man loves horses, and finds it as a fun and really cool thing to have. he loves how docile and harmless they can be, and how he can take them out for rides every once and a while to give him something to do.

if we're also referencing back to my last boothill fic, he'd teach his daughter pretty early on how to ride one. obviously, he'll wait for a more appropriate age (throwing her on a horse at 2 years old probably isn't a great idea) before genuinely teaching her how to ride one, but for now he just sticks with placing her on his lap while he controls the reins.

he'd spend most of his time outdoors, tending to his animals or just spending time with his daughter and (again, in my last fics case) us. i'm currently imagining a big tree right in the center with a handmade wooden picnic table for when the day is nice and you don't feel like being cooped up inside, or if you just wanna have a nice outdoor meal.

but anyways headcannons on his home too....

i think he'd own something that definitely looks like it'd be on a farm. nothing too modern, not too worn down either, but something that just kinda screams "the outside might not be too pretty but the inside is where the luxury is." i was thinking something that looks kinda like this

very humble place, nothing too fancy shmancy but just perfect to raise his little family (and maybe more to come) for the meantime. it's the house thats gonna be that kids whole life up until she moves out to college.

#honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x reader #boothill #boothill x reader #boothill hsr #boothill honkai star rail #x reader #fluff #x reader fluff #boothill fluff #honkai star rail fluff #hsr fluff

[transmascposi]

I feel really isolated because I hardly see any trans masculine positivity posts,,,, The only posts I see,, that are even shared by my own friends,,, are those that are complaining about trans mascs and how we're evil, ugly, and ruining the trans community,,,, I don't know what I did wrong besides simply exist as a trans masculine person,,, I still face misogyny and now I'm facing transphobia from my own friends,,, I even had to block somebody who said 'I have never found trans males to be sexually attractive' and instead of people telling them that's transphobic everyone was agreeing with them,,, I don't know where to turn anymore because everyone hates trans men so badly,,,, plus it's interesting that ppl will say how much they hate trans men but then fetishize our bodies,,,

I feel you. It's so lonely and difficult sometimes. It can feel like the whole world hates you. But I promise it's not like that. There's a lot of people who love us, really.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You didn't do anything wrong. And even if you did, it wouldn't justify this treatment. You are valid and amazing and you bring so much beauty to the world and to the queer community. I had to cut off a few internet friends who hated on trans men and I don't regret it one bit. If they hate trans masculine people, I suggest cutting these people off. They are not good friends to you.

My advice is to try to spend less time online. The hate is much more concentrated here, and it's much more openly vicious. We certainly do have bad things happening to us in real life, but from my experience at least, the hate online is on another level. There are encounters that we can't really prevent in real life, but you can control the majority of your interactions online. I suggest avoiding the hate as much as you can, even if it means not spending time on your favorite platform. It can seem like I'm stating the obvious and I probably am, but at the same time, when I struggled a lot with online hate on trans mascs, I would keep spending time in trans masc spaces on tumblr that are full of this hate. I think we have the tendency to dwell in the hate, for whatever reason. To reblog it to argue with it, to keep repeating the same points to people who don't care about the truth, to try to counter the lie that trans mascs have it easy by witnessing the hate as a getcha. I'm not saying that you do this necessarily, but I definitely did it.

My second advice is to go out and meet people who understand and support you. A wonderful way to do that is activism. If you can, join your local trans activist group! You don't have to have inspiring speeches on big podiums and argue with people. You can help with small practical tasks — those people are very much needed and appreciated! Or you can find your local queer events and go there. It can be intimidating at first, especially if you go alone, but there's always someone a little bit lost at these events. People get it. Again, it definitely can be very difficult, but try to talk to some trans people there. Or anyone, really. You will find out that there's a lot of people who support and get us. And people who might not fully understand yet, but they want to try and they want to help. Even these imperfect encounters will warm your heart enough to forget a little about all the hate, even just for a moment. And being in activist circles and hearing people say your exact thoughts out loud — oh man it's SO satisfying. These people don't even have to be your friends. I'm trying to be an activist and there are people who I have fun with and who give me a sense of community — yet I don't meet them outside of activism stuff because I know we aren't a good match to be friends. And yet, their existence in my life brings me a lot of warmth. Building community is the key, really.

I wish you the best of luck and strength and I hope you will feel better soon.

#answered #anon #transmasc positivity #trans man positivity #trans men positivity #trans masc positivity #posi #trans men #trans masc #trans man

[vigilskeep]

hi! ive seen you talk about your surana a bunch but i dont know if ive seen her full story. what were some of the pivotal decisions she made? i love hearing you talk about your ocs, theyre always so in depth and thought out!

oh thank you!! :) my surana is my Eldest Daughter from my very first full playthrough of a dragon age game, so i think a lot of people newer to the blog (like... from less than a year and a half ago probably lmao) have less of the context in complete form. so i will attempt to summarise!! it may be... long...

minerva surana is a manipulative, driven elven circle mage, heart-breakingly willing to sacrifice whatever she believes is necessary for her Grand Goals, who is often so busy playing 5d chess she forgets she’s a twenty-one year old with no experience of the world outside the tower

okay it did turn out fucking long the rest is under the cut its like 9 bulky paragraphs enjoy

her family were tevinter liberati, elven slaves who had devoted themselves to buying their way out and very recently succeeded. her parents were desperate to see her and her elder sibling grow up knowing only freedom, and sent their children south with another part of the family while they remained to pay off the last of their debts. the journey was long and difficult, and they had little left when they ended up in the denerim alienage. in a twist of bitter irony, magic that might have made minerva someone of value in the imperium saw her freedom once more revoked in the south. minerva remembers nothing of tevinter, and only a few fragments of what came next: of light through the vhenadahl’s branches glinting on a templar’s blade, of her sibling fighting them and being knocked to the ground, terribly still, with blood in their hair, and of her grandmother saying what she might have said many times on that long journey south: we can survive anything, as long as we never look back. ironically, minerva often took that to heart by denying all memory prior to the circle.

young apprentice minerva was a sullen child, with few friends; karl thekla took an elder brother’s interest, and jowan clung to her talent. she only really flourished when, after her terror of her natural gift for spirit magic saw her self-hatred turn dangerous in her early teens, first enchanter irving took an interest. he was a father figure to her, and he showed her how to channel her power into control, and her distress into ambition. newfound devotion to elemental magic saw her hailed as a prodigy, and surely a future first enchanter with irving’s tutelage. (only irving considered her too headstrong for the role. he never told her, fostering the drive he had cultivated, both fearful for the state she might return to if he didn’t, and curious as to what else she might become.) she grew up arrogant and beautiful and deeply loyal to the circle, learning that it was only the weak and the defiant who would fail to thrive there, and convinced she was neither. many of her peers wanted to be her, and few of them wanted to spend much time in her company. except jowan, still the little brother hiding in her shadow, and halliserre amell, a rebellious rival with a winning smile, who made up for their lack of her discipline and raw power with sheer brilliance, and whose heated arguments eventually developed into... ah, something else heated.

not long before the start of the game, amell told her they were going to accept tranquillity. it didn’t matter how clever they were; with their weak magic, they would die in the harrowing. they’d only been so defiant of the circle before because, having accepted their fate, the risks were nothing to them. furious and unable to admit it was because she was in love, the last thing minerva ever said to them when they were whole was that they were a coward not to try. when jowan told her he feared he too would be made tranquil, minerva was still recovering from the loss, not to mention flushed with even more arrogance than normal from her own successful harrowing. she had been the perfect circle mage all her life, twice as good as everyone else to make up for every rumour about where she was from. surely she had earned one defiance. surely she could save this one thing, her oldest friend. and she is a loyal person, in her way, emotion powering her fierce drive, incapable of abandoning what she has set her heart on. irving, from whom she had learned everything, was ahead of her every step of the way. he arranged for her to be taken in by the grey wardens. she had proved herself as headstrong and unsuitable as he had feared—and she was shocked and bitterly betrayed to finally see that—but he also believed this might bring her to where she would truly belong.

as a grey warden, minerva’s highest concern is perception. when the stakes of the game are revealed, she has enough hubris to see it as a chance to not just save but change the world. defeating the archdemon isn’t enough. she needs to be seen defeating the archdemon, at the forefront, as an elven mage; she has enough idealism to believe it will really matter for her and people like her, and enough shrewd cynicism to consider what she may have to sacrifice to achieve it. mostly she approaches problems with the skill for diplomacy and management that irving taught her, with that good good Master Coercion skill. she gets many of the “better” and certainly more peaceful quest outcomes, not always motivated by altruism, but determined to be remembered well when she leaves each faction behind. her one great sacrifice of this goal to be seen as the perfect mage is when she takes up blood magic, determined after she sees its power that she alone can handle it, to get the job done and keep what’s hers alive fight after fight. but that only makes her more dedicated to her actions elsewhere

the real test and most pivotal moment of her arc is at the landsmeet. she has arranged anora’s marriage to an alistair hardened for the role (once more following irving’s example, learning to teach ambition as he had taught hers. is there love in that, or just selfishness? she doesn’t know). all that matters is that the joint rule neatly fulfils her desire for compromise to please all parties. but then she struggles between two aspects of her goal: she wants to be seen, personally, as the victor; she does not want every noble in ferelden to see her kill the hero of river dane with magic. she knows how that scene will be remembered, in the end. when riordan suggests recruiting him instead, it seems the perfect solution to everything, the salvation of the day. and then she realises she’s broken alistair’s heart, just when he’s breaking hers. she is incapable of backing down in front of them all (it’s only to alistair, her alistair, but she can’t do it—not to a human, and not to someone part of her will always see as a templar—not when everything she wants was so close.) he abandons her for the throne she taught him to want. she goes on with loghain in the party, and eventually—unable to let loghain snatch the final sacrifice from her grasp, and realising she does want to win and live, after it all—convinces him to do the dark ritual.

in terms of her most important relationships with companions: minerva traditionally romances zevran, who is in many ways uniquely her match having learned the same bitter lessons with the crows that she learned from the circle, and who is so dear to her and capable of lightening her heart when no-one else can. i’ve also experimented with the idea of her romancing alistair, to really dramatise the Landsmeet Divorce and capitalise on future political shenanigans where she could one day be his mistress, but more traditionally they are simply an extremely closely trauma-bonded pair of people who are incapable, at least that year, of really understanding each other deep down. it falls into a pattern where she loves someone with all that fierce drive, enough to die for them, but she will always prioritise what she thinks they need over what they are saying and what they want, often with misjudgements and terrible consequences for them both. it was true with amell, it’s true for many others

she has something very intense and homoerotic going on with morrigan, she has a strained relationship with leliana and wynne, and she has respect and comradeship and a fair bit of fundamental disagreement with sten and loghain. the awakening squad are the people she will consider family for life, most notably nathaniel who she started out not liking at all and is now her work wife, her right hand, can finish her sentences, etc.; anders, who remembers her as karl’s annoying teacher’s pet telltale little sister and is still sometimes baffled by who she’s become; velanna, who makes minerva her most genuine self by having regular screaming matches with her as a sign of affection; and oghren who tried to quit drinking at the same time she tried to quit blood magic, leading to many conversations that deeply baffled everyone around them.

the “current” minerva surana is a sharp-tongued leader who was born for the role of warden-commander, who loves her work and that it matters, who has a truer confidence that is less blindly arrogant and more willing to admit to mistakes, who has worked her breathless way up to h*lding h*ands in public with someone she loves, who has finally learned the hard lesson that the world needs more than an heroic example who followed all the rules to truly be bettered... and who, as rebellion brews, has never been one to sit back and watch while others changed the world

#minerva surana #i THINK thats everything major... it must be #minerva enjoyers who im sure remember more of my posts than me tell me if i missed anything crucial writing this in one sitting #shes my babygirl. thats crucial. #i didnt cover the exact details of her quest decisions bc i think abt changing them a lot #def bringing the sides together in nature of the beast. bhelen supporter and she rlly cultivates that alliance she loves orzammar #ive never played it but in retrospect i believe she wouldve killed connor #and. saved the circle. given that the other option is [checks notes] murdering her dad for the crime of [checks notes again] being tortured

[bloomeng]

I know MXTX is a good author I want to get that out of the way before I get into this. She’s a fantastic (male) character writer and she has a great grasp on interpersonal connections. Though she’s working in an established niche genre she’s still very creative, I think SV especially is evidence of that. But there’s one thing that I just can never seem to get a pulse on, and that’s how much she means to comment on classism.

Author’s intent is always gonna be tricky especially when I have to rely on translated texts and interviews. There’s probably a lot of nuance that I miss, not to mention literally interviews I’ve never seen etc. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t read most of TGCF yet, so I can’t comment on that series, and with SV this conversation is less applicable, so for the sake of what I know best I’m gonna be using MDZS as my main example.

Classism is undeniably at the heart of MDZS’s themes, however for years anytime I analysis the text I’m usually fairly cautious to note that I don’t know if this was intentional. This isn’t because I think MXTX is stupid or can’t handle deep conversations, it’s simply because I can’t tell if it was her intent. On paper it seems obvious; WWX, JGY and XY’s wealth disparities, how privilege drives the plot, literally everything about the Wens as a whole. So much of the novel’s runtime is spent showing us how corrupt the feudal system can be, going so far as to have a protagonist who dies for the cause and two antagonists who are driven to be awful because of their poor circumstances in life. It feels intentional that WWX was granted a certain amount of privilege based on something he was born with (his parents connections) and how easily people turned on him because to the world he is a villain (also he does bad things that he likely wouldn’t have to if he had no need to defend anyone). JGY acting as a foil for WWX feels intentional and I would absolutely consider them foils regardless of intent. With all this in mind I would be inclined to say that yeah, MDZS is commenting on classism, but then WWX marries into the corrupt system and we the audience are supposed to read this as a good thing.

This has always been my biggest qualm with the book. We spend so much time showing how awful this system is and the two people who do anything to try and save it are punished for it by death. Sure WWX is brought back but as soon as he’s in Mo’s body he’s aimless. JGY is of course the secondary villain of the series, but MXTX goes out of her way to make us understand that even when JGY had power, his birth kept him from actually holding any real control, and what control he did have he mostly used to get bad people out of power and make the community better (he was biased and paranoid and vengeful but MXTX’s characters are nothing if not nuanced). Why set all this up to end up in such a contradictory place?

I get that solving such big issues such as classism isn’t easy and we want a happy ending but does MDZS even have a happy ending? None of the mc’s besides LWJ and (supposedly) WWX and LSH and LJY are in good positions by the end of the story. I remember reading MDZS for the first time and thinking that LWJ would fall for WWX because of his radical ideas and eventually see that the Lans were contributing big time to this awful system that favors wealth over everything. Especially because we have a second plot line about whatever was going on with LXC and JGY. And then it just never happens. Instead the Lan sect are painted as ok just because they’re monks. The system wasn’t the issue actually it was the people in charge but don’t worry they’re gone. Life is great now that the most powerful sects are in the hands of a 15 yr old, a man with unchecked anger issues, a council of elders that think corporal punishment is the solution to everything and a man who committed to a life long bit to get out of all forms of responsibility. What could go wrong?

I’ve always thought it was strange and ooc that WWX just accepts going back to Cloud Recesses. His literal incense burner fantasy was a cottage in the woods away from society. He never really warms up to the rigidity or their bland ass food, and he doesn’t even really respect the Lans culture more than he has to. It’s clear he only lives there for his husband and son’s sake. So why am I to believe this is his fairy tale ending?

The only answer I’ve been able to grasp over the years is that the romance genre of the novel overpowers everything else.

This is what brings me back to my original point. I don’t know if MXTX’s intended to comment on class, because if she did I struggle to understand how the ending of the story fits this intention. Which means by default it wasn’t the intention, at least not the priority. I mean ok duh, obvious conclusion, this is a danmei, it’s the bl genre, of course the romance comes first, but that’s not exactly what I’m getting at. You can absolutely have a romance that comments on other things at the same time and I think MXTX’s writing is smart enough to do this, except it fumbled so hard at the end it left me questioning if she even meant to comment on classism in the first place.

A part of me thinks that all of this commentary was just a coincidence of the genre conventions. Cultivator/ historical fantasy tends to just have classism baked into setting, so maybe that’s all it was. Perhaps she was just borrowing what was already there to make interesting character motivations and it wasn’t done with any intention of commenting on any sort of greater societal issue. Which for the record would be ok. I’m not policing what MXTX should write and romance for the sake of romance is perfectly valid, but as a reader I’m allowed to say this particular instant made me dislike the actual romance she set up. These issues in the book made me actively dislike LWJ. I’m on an island about that though. Getting back to my point, I struggle to call this commentary intentional and thus things like WWX and JGY suddenly feel unintentional as well.

I also find MXTX’s own words to be contradictory at times. For instance, she’s mentioned that after SV she found writing more than one couple to be too taxing. When asked if other characters in MDZS were gay she said explicitly they were not, yet both MDZS and TGCF have unofficial side couples that are an inch away from being canon. She’s also mentioned that XY, Sl, and XXC were old characters of hers and were originally going to be the focus of the book, which leads me to believe that they would’ve been a canon love triangle. So I am skeptical when she said all the characters besides WWX and LWJ are straight. I’m not accusing her of lying or anything like that. Tolkien contradicted himself so many times in his letters and essays, it’s sort of par for the course in my opinion. What it does mean though is that I can’t get a read on her intentions. What I can gather from what she tends to focus on in her extras, interviews, and just the fact that this is the BL genre, I’m inclined to believe that a lot of these parallels are unintentional but then I circle back to just how heavy handed it all is and I’m unsure again.

Anyway this was just the world’s longest way to say that actually we don’t have any idea what her intentions are and this is why when I’m analyzing her work I make a point to not put words in her mouth.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #txt #mxtx #mdzs meta #wei wuxian #jin guangyao

[tobiasdrake]

Okay, your post on Videl got me thinking of Lunch again. She was one of the highlights of Dragonball for me, and she just, didn't exist in Z? Outside of a brief appearance at the end of the anime. Do you have any interesting thoughts on her?

Lunch was mostly a combination of two jokes, one of which is gross and the other of which is hysterical.

As a character, Lunch was mostly relegated to two bits. For the first, I think it was a popular gag in 80's and 90's anime to have an elderly pervert try to pull shit on young women only to face violent comeuppance. I remember seeing this in quite a bit of anime back in the day, and that's precisely the gag that the Muten-Roshi came to center around.

This is precisely what Lunch was originally introduced for. A sweet and unassuming woman that Roshi could perv on....

Right up until a sneeze brings out her alter for violent retribution.

Lunch was the first Super Saiyan IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

Fortunately, since Goku spends so little time at Kame House as the manga progresses, we don't tend to see much of this. Instead, the main thing Lunch gets used for is indiscriminate violence. As Blonde Lunch settled in as one of the gang, her propensity for crime and ability to pull firearms straight out of thin air became her main gag.

You know, in retrospect? If she had to be written out? Robbing the Muten-Roshi of that diamond and then flying off over the horizon would have been a great way to do it.

Imagine if this was the last we ever saw of Lunch. Powerhouse of an ending for her character, wasted on a funny bit in the RRA arc.

Honestly, the RRA arc is peak Lunch. That time she kicked God in the butt notwithstanding.

For the last important thing she ever did in the series, that's such a note to go out on.

But in addition to the hilarious diamond bit, the RRA arc also gives us the only time Lunch has actually gotten to use her propensity for violence in a genuine fight. This is one of my favorite Lunch moments.

Mistakenly believing that the Muten-Roshi is the inventor of Goku's Dragon Radar, Red Ribbon moves to seize control of Kame House. This goes badly for them.

It's been like four months since that guy managed to beat Goku in the ring. Y'all made mistakes.

Red Ribbon manages to make him stop doing this to them by taking Lunch hostage.

But Turtle's there with the palm frond.

And then, shortly after, she robbed the Muten-Roshi for that diamond. Her whole part of the General Blue sub-arc is Peak Lunch.

(I genuinely don't know if using sneezes to transition between personalities is, like, a common ableist stereotype in Japanese culture or if Danganronpa's Genocide Jack was inspired by Lunch specifically. I do wonder.)

The 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai, however, would kickstart what would unexpectedly be the beginning of the end for Lunch.

Her takeaway from Goku and Tenshinhan's final match is that Ten is a fucking beast and Mama Want. This wasn't supposed to be how her character exits the series. But then Raditz showed up.

In the reunion between Goku and his friends at Kame House, Yamcha and Lunch would both reasonably be expected to be present. Yamcha's absence is explained by him and Bulma fighting again, while Lunch is said to have left after the 23rd Tenkaichi Budokai to go with Tenshinhan.

And then she never came back. This was the last we ever heard of her. Toriyama has said in interview that he forgot she existed, but he did still occasionally draw her or provide a few extra details for what ever became of her and Tenshinhan's... situation.

In interview following the release of Battle of Gods, he finally gave a final ending for Lunch and Ten's situation.

"Stoic Tenshinhan mainly does farming in addition to his training. He can split into multiple bodies and grow extra arms, so harvesting the crops goes quickly. He was found by Lunch, who fell in love with him at first sight and had been constantly pursuing his whereabouts, and even reluctantly lived together with her; but she wasn’t cut out for farming, and Tenshinhan has no interest in romance, so she left after just a few days. After that, it seems Lunch apparently stops in from time to time."

We don't get to see much of Ten's social life because he doesn't associate with anybody. He and Chiaotzu are an island unto themselves, only popping in when the Earth is in peril.

Unless they're undergoing some sort of heavenly trial or fighting the apocalypse, they don't hang out with Kame-senryu. And since our guys are Kame-senryu, that means we don't get to hang out with them.

They're off doing their own thing and walking their own path. And Lunch is over there in the mystical land of wherever they fucking go with them now. Popping in on the aromantic Tenshinhan from time to time while living her exciting life of crime.

So, farewell Lunch. You really were a hoot to have around.

#dragon ball #dragon ball z #lunch

[andthebeanstalk]

the average person doesn't expect you to be a perfect ethical consumer, that's not possible for the vast majority of us. but what youre saying is it's better to do nothing at all and choose the worst possible options (sweat shops, overseas shipping waste, idea/product theft, all wrapped up in SHEIN) than to put even the tiniest effort in where you can.

[they are referring to this post]

What I said was "some people are doing literally everything they can to survive and have no extra bandwidth to spend extra time and money on their purchases, and it is cruel and therefore un-punk to gatekeep punkness and add additional shame to these people's lives based on that fact."

I think it's still a good thing to try to ethically consume; I literally never said it wasn't. I had never even heard of SHEIN before. Rather, I am much more concerned about what I saw as arbitrary gatekeeping based on ability and income.

And frankly how dare you claim that I am supporting sweatshops and abuse by saying that this additional work you are demanding (in this case, presumably, vetting every clothing company you buy from) is not always possible for people. It is not a light accusation to accuse me of supporting abuse.

"How dare you say we piss on the poor", Etc. 🙄 this isn't Twitter. You are determined to enforce moral purity, but you are failing to see the nuance.

Because when I say "no extra bandwidth," I mean no extra bandwidth. This is not the "car shows it's on E but actually secretly it has a lot of gas left" situation that abled people constantly assume disabled people mean when they say they are at their limit.

This is "the car has stopped moving, and to move it I'd have to break my body pushing it." This is "at a certain point, people will hit a wall in terms of money and time and energy, and any energy spent after that comes directly out of their life force."

So the argument "okay but just spend a little more time money and energy actually" is not a valid one.

And the argument "if you are not able to do this specific task, then it means you're not doing anything else to make the world a better place" doesn't exactly impress me either. You said yourself that it is impossible to be a perfectly ethical consumer for most people.

How do you know what else people are doing to resist oppression? How many hours per week until your standards are met?What if someone works 3 jobs? Does that mean it's harder to be a good person if you're poor?? Why do you get to decide what specific avenue of bettering the world is the most morally repugnant or acceptable? What kind of proof of goodness and effort would make you satisfied enough to lay off on the shame?? Who are you helping??

Clothing is a fundamental human need, and some of us have to buy cheap fucking clothes quickly. Billionaires are buying their seventh yacht this month. The people who own fast fashion companies are abusing their workers and putting local affordable clothing stores out of business - and this applies for basically every company with price points that low because governments are failing to regulate corporations to enforce basic human rights.

I have $300 to spend on a new wardrobe as my old clothes have fallen apart or become too small. Do you have a way for me to get a new winter coat, 3 flannels, 10 shirts, 3 dress shirts, new sandals, 10 pairs of pants, 5 bras, 12 pairs of socks, and 10 pairs of underwear within that budget and also definitely 100% ethically sourced, with free returns in case it doesn't fit? Or will I simply have to use the cheap stores?

I have about an hour to spend on this per week. Many mainstream stores doesn't make clothes in my size, and I am now in *year 5* of needing an electric wheelchair and being unable to get one; plus I live up a flight of stairs, so I can't even bring my walker out with me - so thrift shopping is not gonna cover this. Should I continue to wear small and tattered clothing until I have the time, money, and energy to meet your standards?

Did you know there are more empty homes in this country than homeless people? If I decide to splurge on only 100% ethically-produced products, and I can't make rent, and I become homeless, are YOU going to be there for me?? Or are you too busy litigating the endless tiny shames of poverty in your own community?

So I ask you again, are you SURE this is where you want to direct your punk energy?

Because there are a whole lot of rich people relying on people like us punching down and to the side instead of looking up to see where the money is going.

Because energy and time, as it turns out, are limited resources. And I would never expect you to secretly have more than you claim to have.

#original #punk #hopepunk #cripplepunk #i swear to god #reading comprehension website #how dare you say we piss on the poor #jfc 'what you're saying is we should do nothing' - what I'm saying is YOU are doing nothing by enforcing this boundary #you have to give people more credit than this. i believe you want a better world too. and it would be cool if you used your energy to #instead ask 'how do i fight for the people in my community to be clothed and have the time and income to shop ethically?' #or 'how do i support activism that pushes for regulation that could control these companies?' #monitoring how poor people spend money is a supremely Republican thing to do. as is demanding clear moral purity from every scenario. #you want a better world too. you want to demand your peers do better. - fine. good. #but you need to be asking if you have remembered and included everyone's needs when making statements like this. #capitalism is all for forgetting about poor and disabled people and refusing to believe their limits. #shame is a necessary weapon in fighting greed but it IS a weapon. be so careful where you point that shit. enough shame can kill a person #and a lot of us are already defending from it from all sides. #shaming a person who is already at their limit for not doing more is an act of cruelty. think very carefully about what that means please. #i literally don't even know what SHEIN is lol i just know classism when i see it #but I've had friends whose clothes were visibly falling apart with no income and so much so shame so deep in their hearts they were dying #and if they had seen that post it would have made them even sicker and gotten them no closer to the dignity of being properly clothed #shame is a weapon and /you need to be careful!!!!/

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

living with people who Walk Extremely Fast while needing time alone in the shared house spaces to do your basic selfcare/starting-the-day routines + having Trauma around being seen even fucking existing in shared spaces, including a long-ongoing and hefty dose of it from said people themselves, is a living hell actually. especially when they insist on constantly leaving doors wide open that would normally mitigate the house being a fucking panopticon and also give you like two seconds' warning that they're entering the space so you can brace yourself or leave. Hate

#moogletalks #me: starves myself for hours; takes my medication extremely late; and spends 90% of my time trapped in my bed with my health deteriorating #while waiting for people to Fucking Go Somewhere Else and Stay There for Like 20 Fucking Minutes Jesus Christ #me: finally either musters myself to tiptoe out and quietly go about my business because i thought they found somewhere else to be #or just fucking gives up and braces myself for sandpaper to my triggers + probably filling the Flip Out and Abuse Moogle meter a little more #housemates: GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING LAZY RUDE AND SELFISH YOU JUST WANT TO HOG THE COMMON AREAS AND HAVE EVERY LITTLE THING HOW YOU WANT IT #YOU'RE COLD AND UNFRIENDLY AND ONLY WANT TO LIVE HERE LIKE A LEECH BECAUSE YOU STAY IN YOUR ROOM ALL THE TIME #BUT ALSO I HATE SEEING YOUR FACE AROUND AND YOU DON'T SPEND EVERY MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU ENTERTAINING ME OR BEING ''PRODUCTIVE'' #[MULTI-HOUR SCREAMING MATCH AND THREATENING TO MAKE YOU HOMELESS BECAUSE YOU HAD THE UPPITYBITCH AUDACITY TO ASK ME TO TURN A LIGHT OFF WHEN #I LEAVE A ROOM OR MAKE A LIST OF CHORES OR STOP TURNING THE THERMOSTAT TWO DEGREES PAST WHAT YOU CAN TOLERATE] #it's like fucking clockwork and i'm sick of it and when the people involved walk like they're training for the fucking olympics #and constantly remove or invade every single way for you to avoid them the tiniest fucking bit #it makes things a hundred thousand times more stressful!!!!!!! #and i KNOW most of these people would be doing the exact same thing with my bedroom if it was even slightly more socially acceptable #they would be straight up taking the bathroom door off its hinges so they can repeatedly walk in and out while you're trying to take a shit #it is a hundred thousand fucking percent a control thing and i hate it i hate it go AWAY. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY #abuse cw #ableism cw #venting cw #food insecurity cw #housing insecurity cw #traumatag #adventures in mental illness

[irl-ichi]

this is what love is

#no honestly like im glad that my partner has always been... 'chill' about body functions? #i dunno how to describe it but. when youre raised as A Girl you kind of end up spending most of your life learning and practicing ways #to cover up body things that ''arent pretty'' #like farts and boogers and sweat and misplaced hairs and marks on clothes and etc etc #and from day one this person has been so chill about telling ME body things because. yeah theyre just body things we all deal with #but ive never lived in this world of openness and no shame for things you cant control #like openly just being like ''alright i gotta shit'' and not hiding it for some reason (like me) #i think most guys out there still think of women as the like... 'effortlessly perfect' body images were trained to maintain #because its so ingrained in everyone socially #and thats why i heard the story of the first time my sister farted in front of her gf. a year into them dating #i cant even remember what my first time was because weve always just. existed around each other #no shame #and it leads to the kind of stuff where we can just be like 'oh you have a booger sticking out' or 'let me get your eye crusties'

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!! #anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that?? #like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me? #or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself??? #or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief?? #vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #???? #no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[todayisafridaynight]

Ichiban looks like a beautiful lady ☺️

real and true

#snap chats #i love how i have a genre of asks where people tell me how beautiful ichiban is #like SOOOOO true im glad we all agree...... gets it from his papa 😷 #anyway cheer for me ipicked up my son today <- i got my kirby figure from hot topic #HT is so evil they gave me an in-store-only coupon that i only really can use today... #i refuuuuse to i refuse to spend today. i wanna get metroid prime 2... and a new gamecube controller.... #so i MUST save.... esp cause i lowkey also want metroid dread 😷 #NO LISTEN I WANTED DREAD WHEN IT CAME OUT BUT I DIDNT HAVE MONEY #i still dont have any but yk thats what im saying....... the wishlist BUT ALSO THE PRIORITY LIST..... #why is money everything. priceless is SOOO right... #I WATCHED THE SECOND EP TODAY AND OUGH. SOOOO true show...... im loving it so far...... #ok im rambling too much i want to eat my LUNCH because i got LUNCH with my BRO while we were OUT so BYE !!!!!! #anyway im crying why the fuck is ichiban behind me like we’re in front of this ice cream place #and suddenly i hear this dude yell WHAT !!!! and we all look at him and he’s all #‘is there a bigger cup of this because this is the best thing ive ever had- i hope you have a great night thank you so much !!!’ like YO??? #how good is that ice cream... now im curious... #OK I SHOULD EAT i have mango lassi anyway... hehe... tastes EXACTLY like mango pudding hehe... #OK BYE FR THIS TIME