#i also went to a formal to think about something else! my social anxiety and awkwardness skyrocketed

[a-study-in-dante]

May 12th, 2022 | Today in my article-writing misery I resorted to mindmapping what I have to write and which citations I'll use. It's bringing me back to the time I was a student and realized a few days befire the exam that I couldn't memorize anything I had been studying for week unless I wrote it down in mindmaps form, which to be honest was a productive type of procrastination... Let's hope this time it makes my life easier and my anxiety decrease 🤞

#my posts #studyblr #desk #litblr #gradblr #phdblr #mindmapping #mindmaps #papers #paper #W's adventures in Cambridge #i also went to a formal to think about something else! my social anxiety and awkwardness skyrocketed #because I was sitting next to complete strangers! so now i feel stressed AND miserable! good call good times

[paper-n-ashes]

The Late Shift - Part 2

Characters: Paul Sevier x Female Reader

Words: 2k

Warnings/Tags: Little inklings of sexual themes. Otherwise we’re still in PG territory. Oh and mutual pining from two idiots. My favourite kind.

Authors Note: One shot? I don’t know her. Honestly, I don’t have any excuse. I just felt the urge to continue on with this dumb fluffy story because it makes me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside and I needed that. Will we drive this car straight into smut town afterwards? Ah you’ll just have to see. 

Catch up with Part 1 here

*

Paul always considered himself a smart guy. Perceptive, knowledgeable, with years of grueling education behind him to be where he is today.

His schooling, work, almost every minute of his waking moments was spent in the realm of artificial illustrations of correspondence. He could happily spend hours sifting through the words and numbers that made up all types of message transmission, might even admit he had a talent for decoding their significance and origin. Exchanges born from machinery were easy to analyse – they had set rules and gave little room for differing interpretation. He was comfortable in that world. Knew how things worked, what paths data and carefully devised information would take.

Human communication was infinitely harder to navigate. It was a skill he knew he was lacking in, compared to others at least. His words never came out the way he wanted, he struggled to say exactly what was wished to convey and agonised over the fact expression and tone could morph any remark into something with a whole different meaning.

Every day, he encountered people who used this as a tool - a weapon to obscure the truth and conceal hidden agendas. It was hard not to, working for the US government. In time, he’d become cynical. Wary of what people spoke aloud, assuming it was all said without much sincerity or reliability unless proven otherwise.

And then after another arduous day, there you were. Out of nowhere. Kind. Honest. Genuine. Within such an excruciatingly short interaction, you’d exuded all these traits so effortlessly. A breath of fresh air after being smothered by the smog the rest of his life contained.

Paul would easily admit his attraction to you was surprisingly swift. The rapturing smile you wore when you’d looked up from your notepad had him snared from the moment it appeared, an aura of natural vibrance and radiant energy shimmering out from your animated expression. What he’d expected to be a dry, tedious endeavour turned into a spark-filled scene, where an excited stranger made him feel both horrendously nervous and unusually at-ease. It had been a long time since someone made him feel like that.

It had also been a long time since he’d asked someone out on a date, for more than a few reasons. The more prolific Paul became in his job, the more unpredictable and unstable his life outside of it was. It took him across the country at a moments’ notice and consumed most hours of his day, meaning forging even short relationships was fairly difficult.

Plus… he just wasn’t good at it. Putting himself out there. He was shy, paralyzingly so. It’s not exactly something he could refute. His confidence was always born from experience and understanding, in knowing the reasons behind why things worked the way they did, along with being able to calculate what would happen next. No textbook could ever cover the entire spectrum of human personality, and there was no way to truly predict what a person might do or say. 

So, without the security of knowledge behind him, uneasiness and apprehension took over in most of his social interactions, particularly with those he felt a magnetism to. It’s exactly how he thought he seemed during his time with you. Awkward and floundering. Not exactly the most charming attributes for a man to have. And yet, the longer he was in your presence, the more he sensed those foibles fade into the back of his mind.

Talking to you was easy. Easier than it had been with anyone during a first meeting. What hadn’t been easy was enduring the seconds your touch grazed over him in your delicate workings while taking each different measurement - his heart beating a little faster, his muscles becoming a little more tense. When you’d eventually let your stare reach his, he’d seen how your eyes moved to trace the lines of his mouth, and it set his insides on fire. He’d been frozen by the unique type of burn, his body locked in place while a rare impulse begged him to sink his lips onto yours. In the past, he struggled to kiss a woman even after several dates, unable to push past the fear and doubt to turn his desire into action. However, in that moment, he’d been all too eager. His hand had moved on its own accord, fingers slinking up your waist, about to pull you closer when interruption instantly shattered his resolve.

The urge was still there in the dialogue that followed, although the promise of seeing you tomorrow made it easier to walk away, safe in the knowledge he had another opportunity to ask you out when his confidence was properly steeled. For once, he could be smart about this. Use his natural intellect to plan and act accordingly, giving him the best odds of securing more time with you.

Oh, but that all went to shit when your text message popped up on his phone screen. Seeing those words, even if they were meant for someone else, made his excitement reach an unfathomable peak, and in turn made him recklessly send a response without taking a second to think about the consequences.

And now, Paul had never felt so stupid in his entire life.

Sitting in the driver’s seat, the phone in his palm lit up with your conversation on display, he felt his stomach spasm with anxiety. Were you going to reply? What would you say? What if his bluntness freaked you out? What if you weren’t even talking about him? Was this all something his mind conjured up?

As the minutes passed without any sign of a response, the initially minor sense of panic began to compound, weighing heavy on his chest, the chaos of his mind soon melting into one certainty - he’d totally fucked this up.

About to slump his forehead into the steering wheel in a display of despondency, Paul suddenly felt a flash of courage at remembering the view of your face peering up at him. He knew the image of it would haunt him if he didn’t do something. He had to fix this. Explain himself. But it needed to be in person. He wouldn’t let technology mess this up for him again.

With a purposeful breath, Paul exited his car and began to retrace his steps past the other shopfronts, silently rehearsing what he wanted to say to you. He hoped to surrender himself to a collectively embarrassing situation, laugh off the turn of events, having it all culminate in an offer of dinner once your shift had finished. He already had a place in mind, only a street away, a little dumpling house that was always open late. Perfect for a cosy, quiet date after a chance meeting.

When his eyes latched onto your figure through the glass window, he stopped his hand from reaching for the door handle. You were crouching down in front of a small boy, his mother behind him cradling a newborn baby, your hand gesturing towards an array of child size suits. Paul couldn’t help but watch as your warming smile beamed, guiding the boys hands to touch and feel over the material, your words evidently making him feel more at ease as his expression slowly relaxed out of its worried frown.

Creeping backwards to make sure you didn’t catch him in your periphery, Paul felt a wave of relief wash over his skin, having evidence that your lack of reply wasn’t due to any of the worst case scenarios he’d been fretting over. You were just busy, concentrated on your work, giving your time and expertise to others in the same way you’d given to him.

The realisation was enough for him slink away, still impatient for your next encounter but assured in it being set within the next day cycle. He just had to wait.

Although, waiting wasn’t exactly a talent of his either.

 *

You were dying inside.

A friendly grin was plastered on your face as you conversed sweetly with the woman in front of you, making idle chit-chat while her son changed out of the suit you’d picked together, but the smile had never felt so insincere. Usually you loved when children came in to pick out ensembles for weddings and similarly formal events, but at the moment your mind was stuck on a small battery-powered rectangle sitting at your desk with a half-written message remaining under your lock-screen.

In the time before Paul’s response came through, you’d never felt more humiliated in your whole existence. Evaporating into thin air would have been a welcomed miracle. But when the returning text slid into focus, your whole mindset shifted.

He felt the same. He wanted you too.

You’d been in the middle of typing out a hasty invitation to come back and make true on his intentions when this overwhelmed mother with a fussy baby caught your attention. Her eldest son had done his best to iron out his only formal suit for the role of ring bearer in an aunt’s wedding this coming weekend, unfortunately resulting an a house full of smoke and a clump of burnt wool.

Personal matters withered into the background at the comprehension of her drained, exhausted demeanour, all your focus pointed back towards the job you’d been distracted from. Well, mostly.

You couldn’t avoid the thoughts and questions glinting in the back of your mind. Of what might have happened if this woman never appeared. What might be happening in an alternate timeline where you’d been able to send that waiting reply. Without intention, your wonderings turned into moving pictures – leading Paul into the back workshop, being roughly picked up onto the cutting table, his lips and yours finally connected in a heated clash, shedding all of his clothing until that heinous mustard shirt was crumpled on the floor-

The high pitched beep of the receipt machine snapped you back into reality, noting the relieved smile the mother wore while her son excitedly grabbed at the bags containing his dashing new suit.

“Thank you!” he hollered without needing to be prompted, waving his hand vigorously before skittering away to the door.

“You’re an absolute lifesaver,” the woman echoed, taking the receipt from your outstretched hand. “I’m really sorry for keeping you so late.”

“Oh don’t worry about it.” The time on the monitor screen just ticked over to 8:17pm, long after you would usually shut up shop and head home to your empty apartment. “I've got nowhere special to be.”

You each said your goodbyes, waiting until the precise moment her silhouette was out of sight before jumping to your phone. The same half written message was there, but now it felt impossible to finish. All traces of adrenaline had long since worn off, and the bravery that made you type out the risqué proposition was reduced to almost nothing. Your timid nature rushed back in full force, a thumb pressing hard on the little x button to erase all evidence of your out of character impulses.

Who were you kidding. You weren’t this person. Unashamed and brazen enough to dive into a fiery entanglement with a handsome stranger in the same evening you’d met. You wished you could be. There was never a time the concept was so enticing. But… it was a fantasy not meant for you to live out. They were destined for the outgoing, the cool and composed, the bold and sure-footed. You rarely felt like any of those things. And Paul, like most men, probably reserved their interest and attraction for those types of women. It was so silly of you to think any different. Getting your hopes up was foolish, and would only end in-

The tingle of the shopkeepers bell sounded, internally groaning as you slid your phone back onto the desk. “We’re closed,” you hawked, a coldness in your tone you couldn’t hide. Eyes snapping up to the intruder, a bolt of lightening shot through, barely able to stop the delight mixing into your blood.

“I just, uh, figured out something more that I needed,” Paul said softly, scratching the back of his neck, clearly nervous.

“You did?” you breathed. “W-what was it?”

His chest rose and fell with a calming exhale, making sure your stares were secured before giving his answer. “…You.”

*

Tagging some lovelies who might want to read. Feel free to let me know if you don’t want to tagged in future works!

@tlcwrites @roanniom @princessxkenobi @hopeamarsu @blowthatpieceofjunk @mariesackler @leatherboundriot @foxilayde @modernpaw @cornmousequeen @direnightshade @mylifeisactuallyamess @caillea @jynz-andtonic @paterson-blue @miraclesabound @prismaticpizza​ @millenialcatlady​ 

#paul sevier #paul sevier x reader #paul sevier x female reader #adcu #adcu fanfiction

[ccelinewritess]

james potter dating a girl with social anxiety hcs

masterlist - taglist

please read ! hi. i’m back. sorry for being inactive with writing but i have so many ideas i’m estatic to write and am back now. i wrote this when i wasn’t doing the best, and originally only wrote it for myself and myself only ( it’s stacked with my own triggers ) as a way to vent a bit and provide myself w some comfort. it’s sat in my drafts and i now realize that maybe, somehow it could help someone in the same position as me. it had somewhat of a decent structure so yeah here it is.  i also know there are so many more triggers people have but i only included ones i am familiar with. anyways i love you and you are not alone. your struggles are incredibly valid.

not edited or proofread!

james potter is a very social person. 

he's got his friends, the marauders, but also adores being the centre of attention, which he often is. you can't be that good looking, a quidditch star, one of the most- if not the most, popular boy around the castle and not have eyes on you constantly.

he also happens to excel at transfiguration, and simply always has. plus his favourite professor teaches it so what's not to enjoy? ms. mcgonagall loved the marauders together in class, it always gave her a good laugh but she wanted to mix it up a little

and james loved meeting new people, so when she called a name he'd never heard before he got quite excited. but the girl didn't seem to want to engage with him at all. she sat quite far from him and didn't make eye contact. even when he tried to small talk her she gave bland and quiet responses that didn’t leave much room for other questions.

it never registered that perhaps she was anxious about being judged by the best transfiguration student in her year, or that she worried about embarrassing or humiliating herself in front of him. and he couldn’t help but notice she picked at her skin on her hands and seemed to have a small rash on her neck where the robes exposed it.

his immediate first reaction after the class was done was she was simply shy. and that he would try again the next day. but she didn’t know up. so he’s a little worried, had he done something to upset her that he wasn’t aware of?

she wasn’t at dinner either, so he went to her house table asking the first person insight who her friends were. he was appointed to a small group, well the same size as the marauders. two girls and one boy. he didn’t waste any time asking about her whereabouts.

‘she wasn’t in class and i just wanted to see if she was okay’

‘oh she was late, it’s fine don’t worry’ the boy said

‘no, no she wasn’t there at all’

so they dumbed it down to a lie last minute, saying she slept in. they knew that when she decided to tell him was her choice. and telling the most popular boy who happened to have a big mouth that she didn’t go to class because everyone’s attention would have been on her would be the individual worst decision ever made.

james believed them. well mostly, but perhaps they should have just told him because his attempts at friendship were very random and unplanned, not helping the anxiety he didn’t yet know about.

one time he approached her during a free period at the library, not wanting to intimidate her but still wanting to talk

her leg was shaking under the table but he didn’t notice it, and she kept her eyes down. he had only actually made eye contact about twice in the couple weeks, and she seemed to avoid it at all costs so he tried to drop the matter from his mind as best as possible and look past it.

he asked her if she was going to the quidditch match, which happened to be slytherin vs. gryffindor on saturday. which she quickly replied she had homework. he practically begged her to go to the party at least, not noticing some eyes that had fallen on them.

she finally looked up, eyes welled with tears and asked him to ‘please stop, james’ in a trembly voice before quietly getting up and leaving the closest exit.

after that he understood a bit, asked the friends once more, who have him small amounts of information but didn’t tell him the just of it all just yet.

he started to place peices together. even remus who was very shy ( which he still thought that’s all she was ) didn’t avoid social situations where he could be the centre of attention, or get anxious over things seemingly simple like party in the common room.

he didn’t want to scare her off anymore than he had, so he wrote a note, sliding it to her in transfiguration. she put it in her bag, and he knew she had read it when the next day she slid a note back to him.

‘meet me by the lake after class? it’s okay if you can’t’ it read

and he gave her a small nod and smile making eye contact for approximately the fifth time

they sat out on the grass, away from other students and she began..

explaining social anxiety and what it was, what happened it the library (which he assured her was not her fault when she apologized). other triggers and anything else she deemed relevant.

a loose tear fell from her eye and he asked if it was okay to wipe it away. they ended up laying there, his hands playing with her hair and just listening to the others breaths.

when james formally decides to ask y/n out, it’s not grand, but very sweet. maybe just on a walk around the grounds.

james is very affectionate, but understands pda isn’t really her thing. no matter how much he loves showing off, hed never try to make her uncomfortable like that.

he really enjoys cuddling. i don’t know why, but could do nothing but cuddle for days on end and feel perfectly content

a small bond grows between her and the other boys, hesitantly and slowly, but its full of love and they've never seen james so happy

he learns everything he can about it, and wants to help in anyway he can.

i’m not going to say ‘happily ever after’ because i think we all know that simply being in a relationship will not make all problems disappear

he will though, remain super open-minded and thoughtful. always ready with words of encouragement and comfort as well as him always being her #1 supporter.

siriusly goddammit .... always extremely proud 

tags. 

general. @malfoys-demigod​ @peachesandpinks @itsivyberry @sinful-gin @thefandomplace @hariosborn @planetkt @ilove-cedricdiggory

#james potter #james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james potter imagine #james potter fanfiction #james potter headcanon #the marauders

[barjogaron]

This is the continuation for my Elite AU Love & Deceit! The fanfiction can be read on ao3 here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32302612

And on Wattpad here:

Chapter Three:

Waiters and waitresses all dressed in white stand on every corner of the table. There are young men who play violins in the corners of the room, and women who tug on the strings of harps. I see my suite mates are already seated and I grab a random seat to sit in. From across from me I see Polo looking at me with hungry eyes, teasing me with a smirk. I ignore him and observe the rest of the dining hall.

Traditional European foods of all kind are already set up neatly on the white blanketed table on silver plates that are partnered with a drinking glasses and silverware. A heavenly chandelier hangs from above everything and Crisanto sits at the head of the long table. He is accompanied by other people dressed just as fancy as him. A young man with rosy cheeks and a friendly smirk, sitting next to another guy with beautiful caramel-colored skin and dark eyes. There is also a girl who sits beside them and they all bicker in a soft chatter, laughing and giggling in unison. There are a few other important looking people as well. I assume they are all Cristano's very opulent friends.

"Welcome, everyone. This meal is not only for my departure, but also in dedication to you, the new addition to the White Mansion." Crisanto smiles. Even though I shouldn't take it in other way, "new addition to the White Mansion" sounded pretty odd to say, but I shouldn't think too hard about it.

"Ah, right on time as always." Crisanto turns his heads to his sons that enter the room. Leading his brothers, dressed handsomely, is no other than the bruiting, Guzmán.

He is dressed in a black velvet suit, a suit that darkens his eyes in a strange deep incandescent green filled with obscured devilry. His hands are in his pocket, and he looks at just about everything in the room, except for in my direction. For a split second our eyes lock, and he quickly turns away clenching his jaw. I can tell he is forcing himself to avoid me. But why? I wonder what his problem is.

His brothers are dressed in a more casual formal  attire. They all sit in seats near the girls I'm living with, and some next to each other and other guests who I am not yet familiar with. By the time all the boys sat down, the only spot left for Guzmán to sit is next to me...

His powerful scent infiltrates my nostrils and I can't help but to think how good he smells. I try my best to ignore him, tapping my fingers on my thighs. I can feel him eyes looking over me, and from the corner of my eye I see his jaw do his signature clenching thing again, and he quickly turns his head away from me, taking a sudden interest in the silverware in front of him.

"Now, shall we say grace before we begin?" Crisanto smiles but it quickly fades when he looks at me, giving me an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry Nadia, forgive me. Would it be alright to say prayer? I don't want to oppress any different religious beliefs." he asks me and I shrug in my seat, trying to avoid all the eyes of the room staring at me.

"I really don't mind it." I smile nervously.

"Splendid. Come now, let us all hold hands." he tells us. I'm not so keen to the idea of holding hands with Guzmán, but I must do so. This day just keeps getting better and better...

We all stand from our seats, grabbing onto one another's hands. I am hesitant to hold Guzmán's hand, inching my hand closer to his.

"I don't bite," whispers Guzmán. "Hard." He surprises me by practically snatching my hand into his. His hands are bigger than mind, fingers slender and ringed with silver, and easily wraps around my cold hands. Unlike his, which are somewhat soft and very warm. For some odd and stupid reason, I can feel my face heating up and I literally shake my head to fight against the sensation. I hate this.

"Our gracious Heavenly Father," Crisanto begins the prayer and we all close our eyes as he continues. For some odd reason I am tempted to open my eyes, and stupidly, I do, only to see Guzmán staring at me. I close my eyes quickly and I hear a soft chuckle escape from his mouth. I didn't think he was even capable of even chuckling, let alone laughing. I can feel the heat rising, my palms getting hotter and hotter.

Please end this prayer already! Please! I mentally scream. I repeat it over and over in my head, just so I can escape Guzmán's grip. Within moments, Crisanto ends the prayer with an amen, and we all sit back down in our seats. Thank goodness.

I snatch my hand back as quick as I could, looking away and pretending Guzmán doesn't exist. Yet, this cunning young man has the audacity to lean closer and whisper into my ear.

"Don't worry, I enjoyed holding your hand too." he grins against my ear. I can feel him smiling at me. I know for sure it's with all the wrong intentions.

"Don't flatter yourself." I whisper back to him and his eyes simmer cold, but his perky lips still hold that smirk. Guzmán smirks and focuses his attention to his plate.

"I can tell you're not going to be an easy catch." he says and my mouth hangs open. I know he's trying to get under my skin. I can tell by his cheeky smile.

I scoff.

"You have another thing coming if you're thinking I'm a catch." I tell him and focus on my plate, waiting for the waiter to reveal our meals. Everyone else is socializing with one another like normal people, and here I am with the dreamy yet diabolical, Guzmán, who I barley even know—is finding it in his twisted pleasure to annoy me.

"Don't worry, little rabbit, I enjoy a good game." I look at him and I lose it.

"Game?!" I shout and everyone goes quiet. I clear my throat thinking of something of a way to quickly dig myself out of this awkwardness.

"I didn't know you fancied sports so personally, Guzmán." I shoot Guzmán a wicked look, hoping he catches on. He simply grins. Damn his smile is gorgeous, but already I despise him.

"Oh yes, basketball is a sport I love. As well as rugby, and such and such." Guzmán replies and everyone continues to their casual banter. I notice his brothers whispering to one another, chuckling.

"Nadia, I'd like you to meet my young friends who are successful in the fashion industry," Crisanto smiles at me, pointing to the gentleman with the dark blue suit and wavy brown hair. I can tell he is a model because how charming he is.

"This is Nathaniel Gray, he models for Calvin Klein. The fellow next to him is his friend, Austin, accompanied by their companion, Eleanor Steel, who is a photographer.

I wave to them and they give me friendly smiles, but I can tell they weren't really interested in the acquainting business. The waiters reveal our meals which consist of steak, lobster, salads, vegetables, fruits, and my personal favorite beverage besides lemon water and wine.

The night had went on and on about business talk and getting familiar with one another. The boys kept cackling to jokes most of the time, and I would occasionally talk to my suite mates. Carla was busy flirting with a guy named, Joseph, who was more than alluring on his part

Throughout dinner, Guzmán stayed quiet and kept to himself. He didn't make any snarky comments, or made an attempt to bother me. Every time I talked, he just...watched me. Maybe he didn't think I noticed him, or felt him looking at me. Or maybe, he didn't care if I did...

"So, Nadia, please do tell us a little bit more about yourself." Nathaniel asks, taking a sip of wine from his glass.

"There's not really much to know about me." I nervously reply. Being the center of attention was never my favorite thing to be.

"Please, enlighten us." Nathaniel insists and I sigh to myself. Guzmán is fully focused on me and I can feel the anxiety brewing within me.

"Well, I'm from Madrid, Spain, born and raised. I love singing and photography, as well as writing. Um, I'm in my last year of college at NYU, majoring in English and hope to one day publish a story of my own. I'm Twenty-one years old, and I have a loving family who I am thankful everyday for." I tell everyone and notice Guzmán has turned his attention somewhere else, burying a smile under his hand pressed against his lips.

"Well that was a perfect little bio if I ever heard one. Nice to meet you, Nadia." Nathaniel says and I smile and mentally pat myself on the back. I take a quick glance at Guzmán who drinks his wine. As soon as I look away to down the rest of my glass of wine, I think I hear him say, "This should be fun."

"What did you say?" I look at him. I meant for it to come out more with authority but I sounded like a timid school girl.

"Nothing, Princess," Guzmán grins while standing. "Enjoy your meal." he winks and walks away from the table, leaving the dining hall. Crisanto watches him leave and I pour me more wine and continue eating.

I really wonder what goes on in Guzmán's head. I sigh. So far I have survived the ongoing night. Let's see how it ends.

...

AFTER DINNER ENDED everyone said their fair-wells and goodbyes to one another. Carla kept flirting with Joseph, and the other girls were a trying to keep their drunken behavior managed until they got back to the suite. Crisanto had got into his white limousine hosted by William, and had left for the airport. The house is now officially in the supervision to me and his sons. Honestly, I don't know which terrifies me the most.

I stroll around outside on the balcony after getting changed into more comfortable clothes to sleep in, which is just a typical silky white gown. My hair in a messy bun and I am so glad to have all that make-up off my face. I put on my reading glasses and make me some tea to soothe me. I figure I'll take this peaceful moment to enjoy the night air. I tip toe outside onto the balcony while the the girls are asleep l in their rooms.

I take in the fresh late spring air. The breeze cool, just right, soothing and running across me. The balcony is big and acts as a perfect view for most of the enormous backyard of the white mansion. I see the tennis court, the basketball court, the swimming pool, the green house, and the walking trail that stretches into a land of tall trees amongst the meadow between the mansion and the woods.

I lean on the ledge of the stone balcony guarded by more white lions. Below, I notice someone standing near the swimming pool. He just stands there, looking at the large pool illuminated with the lights beneath it. I set my cup on the ledge and watch him. It's of course, Guzmán, to no surprise. I just watch him. What is he doing? Why do I care?

I continue to watch as he mindlessly watches the pool with his hands in his pocket. Then, to my surprise, Guzmán begins to slowly undress, taking off his clothes peace by peace. His skin is open to the night air. He pulls down his pants, kicking of his shoes and sliding off his socks. Finally, the biggest shock, is that he slides off his black name brand boxers and tosses them to the side. Oh my god, he's naked! Skinny dipping at that!

I can't help but to notice how his physique is literally godly, Greek defined for sure. The shape of his rear even, it's unearthly. I blush at the sight and I want to look away. In fact, I even turn my head...but instinctively, I find myself looking back.

He rakes his fingers through his hair and I am mesmerized by the intensity of his back muscles. He must work out. A lot. Catching me off guard, Guzmán turns his head back towards where I stand and I quickly duck to the floor of the balcony. I peak at him, seeing him turn back around and I cautiously stand back up. I watch as he dives into the now disturbed water, swimming naked and proud without a care in the world.

taglist: @inmyarmsyoufell @elitestan @glamorizing @jasminejc4525

#elite au #elite fanfic #elite season 4 #guznadia #guzman x nadia #netflix elite #ao3fic #ao3 #fanfiction #wattpad fanfic #ander x omar #romace #writers #wattpad fiction #omander #omar ayuso #aron piper #manu rios

[home-is-where-beels-tiddies-are]

i lost the post i had that gave all of caragan’s info, so i’ll just post it again here. first pic is caragan after they die, because only obey me could drive me to design a character post-death 

i did design the sigils myself. then i added the sin marks from the cards, put that little pact symbol on it, and i took the original symbols from the actual demons and simplified/altered them. because i didn’t think it was a good idea to use the actual symbols. don’t wanna manifest something ya know lmao 

very long info dump under the cut. (info dump is copied from the post i lost) and yeah, caragan is a generic super powerful protagonist. so prepare for cheese 

likes: drawing, reading, gaming, and staying at home. they are drawn to dark things; horror, dark colours, literally most things dark.

home/family: they live alone, but near their parents, and they visit almost daily. they have a cat and three snakes (while caragan is away, the fur and scale babies are taken care of, don’t worry) 

age: 27 yrs old, born Jan 7th 

gender: nonbinary, they/them 

height: 4′10 / 147 cm

occupation: part time job, they also make bits and bobs to sell; art, crochet, etc. they went back to college too (and how they signed up for a certain exchange program; in my headcanon, they signed up for it and expected something mundane) then, after their first visit to the devildom, they start learning about the peace that diavolo proposed in their own time, and volunteer for the human organizations involved 

the design after they die: neither angel or demon, appearance shows physical attributes of both. (i also have a lot of post-death info, but… this is already so much, so i will leave it out) the ref i made is below: (worth noting that before their “fall,” using the term very, very loosely, everything on them that is red was white)

appearence: 

they wear all black with small, brightly coloured accessories 

brightly coloured accessories are normally bracelets, scarves, or pins. socks are also always nauseatingly bright 

casual outside attire: black hoodie, black t shirts, black ripped jeans, and converse 

casual around the house attire: grey sweatpants, obnoxious socks, a tank top, and sometimes a sweater or jacket they’ve stolen from the brothers 

formal attire: usually a suit, but asmo can convince them to wear a dress by finding amazing ones and wearing a dress too 

school uniform: jacket sleeves rolled up, or while in classrooms, off completely. no tie, ever. dress pants, wears black flats instead of dress shoes. during their first year, they kept their hair in a ponytail in class 

always wearing their favourite necklace 

first year piercings:

left ear - bar piercing in top, three normal piercings on bottom

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom 

second visit piercings:

left ear - same

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom, and two new normal piercings on top 

they wear binders to their classes and almost always when they go out for less active shenanigans 

rarely wears a binder in the house of lamentation; the first thing they take off when they get home 

hair is greying on both sides of their head, also some greys on top

always, always has dark circles and bags under their eyes 

brothers + romance: they are absolutely smitten with all of them, and they are very blunt and obvious about it. their favourite, though, is beel. this is kept as plainly obvious as their feelings for the others. since they love all of the brothers, they don’t hide their attraction to anyone. for the most part, it works out. 

pact mark locations:  (see first ref pic) 

lucifer - throat 

mammon - upper back 

leviathan - lower back 

satan - left inner thigh 

asmo - right inner thigh 

beel - right inner wrist 

belphie - left inner wrist 

overall, they’re very shy and awkward, and they like to joke around to cover it up. generally quiet, even around those they’re comfortable with. (they don’t talk a lot unless they’re having a ‘moment’ - a day where they’re hyperactive) they have crippling anxiety and depression, but the medication they take eases it. gets irritable around loud noises/people. they make an attempt in having a decent sleep schedule, but most nights they’re awake for hours longer than they intend to be. sleep schedule is more erratic when in the devildom. (probably belphie’s fault.) 

everything below is uh… like, how they act/react to the other characters.  

lucifer:  they mirror what lucifer offers them; if he’s being soft, they will be soft in turn. if he is upset with them, they will apologize and attempt to do better, and they expect the same if the roles are reversed. stuff like that. they don’t openly flirt with lucifer the same way they do some others, instead they focus on gentle interactions. they kept close to lucifer when they first arrived in the devildom (when mammon ditched them) because they deemed him more trustworthy than anyone else. 

mammon:  when with mammon, every filter caragan has is demolished instantly. given mammon never tried to kill or charm them, they grew to respect him very quickly. they also don’t treat mammon like an idiot; they’ve dealt with that themselves enough. yes, they tell him off for doing things that will very clearly come back to bite him in the ass, but they never target his intelligence because they know he’s smarter than he lets on. they openly flirt with mammon because they like to make him blush. they both get into trouble often, but they have each others’ backs throughout. 

leviathan:  they don’t spend as much time with leviathan, but they do enjoy his company. they usually lock away their info dumping and interests, but not with leviathan. he gets to gush about the things he loves, and they match his energy. he tries to offer the same courtesy. they also like to flirt with leviathan to make him blush, but they don’t do it as heavily or as often because his rejections/self deprecating comments make them feel bad. they are also thankful that they can talk to him about their anxiety and he understands it. they rarely call him “levi.” 

satan:  they also don’t spend as much time with satan, but less so than leviathan. they can’t help but feel stupid when they’re with him, so they don’t socialize with him often. buuut any time he offers to socialize, they don’t turn him down. in fact, caragan gets excited. he’s also where they turn to when they’re struggling with their studies or curious about something demon related. they do attempt to joke around and flirt with him, but it’s like a game of chicken, and caragan always ducks out. fairly quickly, too. 

asmodeus:  caragan adores asmo, but they can’t really place why. they also consider him as much a work of art as he does himself. they are very soft with asmo and they rarely flirt with him in a conventional way. even though they reject most sexual advances, they are as handsy as asmo is. asmo is their official cuddle buddy and they love to shower him in gentle affection. if asmo is in sight, they can often be caught staring. at first, they’re very embarrassed by this, and the brothers poke fun. eventually, though, they’re utterly shameless and just widen their smile if asmo catches them. 

beelzebub:  they love beel more than life itself, and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. at first, they were very avoidant and anxious when it came to beel, but when they started to hang out with him, they found him very easy to be around. the attraction started then, but then became way too strong when beel went into full demon mode over his custard. (mood) they started following him around everywhere. they continued that trend well into the year and the following visit. they’re very affectionate and clingy, sitting his lap and hugging him constantly. they carry around as many snacks as their pockets can hold for beel and beel only. 

belphegor:  they knew from the start that belphie was lying to them in the attic and probably meant them harm, but they never held it against him. they never really held their death against him either. they’re quiet around belphie for the most part, even when they started to like him. they often nap with him (against their better judgement) too. the two of them talk a lot about their ideal “me and you and beel” future. more than is healthy. their conversations outside of that are often filled with snark and a weird tension that caragan doesn’t understand. it usually melts away after a cuddle and a nap, though. 

diavolo:  they instantly liked diavolo. they’re very cautious and anxious around him, but they try to be warm in their interactions with him. they do call him “lord diavolo,” and treat him with due respect. he usually throws them for a loop with most things he does, but they try to keep up and be understanding. they have a strong need to get closer to him, for reasons that they don’t understand or even try to understand. they don’t do much about it either. his demon form causes them to become flustered. very flustered. the not-oblivious brothers tease them for it. they have such a huge crush on him. 

barbatos:  they don’t interact with him that much, or try to interact with him outside of things that are necessary. they have nothing against him, they just don’t feel the need to. they’re very polite to him, as polite as they are to diavolo. while they’re curious about him, they don’t go out of their way to interact with him. there’s really not much there besides mild curiosity. 

solomon:  they think he gives off a copious amount of mischievous vibes and it puts them off. at first. they are kind and polite towards him, and they would consider him a friend. the friendship is essentially that “we have no friends in this class so we will become friends to fill the void. but only in this class. we will never speak to each other outside of this place.” it’s not nearly as specific, but that’s the flavour of friendship they have in the beginning. eventually, he grows on caragan and they end up looking forward to seeing him. they just find him very fun. 

simeon:  they think simeon is beautiful and has been caught staring almost as much as when they stare at asmo. with simeon though, they will never be shameless about their staring. they continue to be embarrassed about it forever. forever. they’re polite and kind to simeon, but they feel he keeps himself closed off from them. during their second visit to the devildom, with the play and all, they become a little scared of simeon. it doesn’t change the way they interact with him, but it does put them off for a bit. and after some overthinking, they end up being more drawn to him. 

luke:  they were very anxious around luke, at first. they don’t like kids, and generally become twice as awkward around them. eventually, they found him adorable. when they speak to him, they will focus on child logic, but they do speak to him the way they would speak to anyone. never patronising. happily helps him with studies if they can, gives him affirmation and reassurances whenever needed, and is protective. they have even been known to stand up to lesser demons when they target luke. (when simeon isn’t around; it’s rare) even though caragan is scared shitless the whole time, they try anyway. seeing as they’re only 4′10, they never make short jokes or anything of the like. when the brothers make short jokes, they shoot disapproving looks and will express disappointment if it drags on too long. 

the end of their life time:  they go on to live for a while, dedicating themselves entirely to diavolo on the human side of things, even becoming a public speaker for it. sharing their experiences n all that. which is something they’d never do for anything else. 

at a certain point though, about 50 yrs old or so, they do stop visiting the demon brothers because they’re getting old. they die shortly after in an accident. brothers don’t find out because caragan was already avoiding them. (though, there is general unease because of the bonds they have with caragan. they know something’s very, very wrong but not what. they fear the worst, and they’re right to.) 

but for all the things they did for “the cause,” they were to be judged in the celestial realm. (and… i see it as… in a horrible, horrible way, the big guy upstairs knew everything that would happen with lilith, and deemed her and her brothers an acceptable loss in exchange for peace. it was all orchestrated. i also think that diavolo knew the plan, for the most part. he has his own reasons for wanting the peace, but he does know what the plan was.) 

but they’re escorted to The Big Guy by simeon and luke (a cute reunion with hugs) and he straight up asks caragan what they want. like they can stay here, go to the devildom, or remain in the human realm. 

in any case, they’ll be given all the attributes needed to thrive in all three realms, but only if they continue in their trying to maintain peace. obviously, caragan is all for continuing. and of course, they choose to make their home with the brothers. god’s all like, “you will retain your angelic status, but you do have to fall to achieve the status of demon. are you sure?” they have to have demon attributes to ensure survival and comfort living among demons, so that’s why. 

and caragan straight up says, without missing a beat, “even heaven is hell without them.” everybody knows who they’re talking about. simeon is torn between “that’s so rude” and “that’s so sweet” and luke is horrified. god just laughs. 

they all talk a bit longer so caragan knows exactly what they’re getting into. they will have a lot of power as both angel and demon, but they have to keep their humanity in exchange for that power. which means, inevitably, their long life will become a curse. no human is built to live for a millennia, so it’ll take a toll on their mind and at the end of it all, they won’t be themselves anymore. 

caragan basically says, “yah, worth it. lezgo.” god hands them paperwork, some explaining what caragan is and why, as well as a peace treaty thing to give to diavolo when they get home. i was thinking it’d be something cheesy like “the treaty of the last fallen angel.” no more fallen angels after caragan, they fell so no one else has to again. idk, symbolism or something. but even the future angel/demon hybrids won’t have to fall. 

cue caragan yeeting themselves from the celestial realm. 

diavolo knows caragan’s about to fall (barbatos n all that) and gathers the brothers to the place it’ll be. caragan is just a ball of blue flames, then a crater, the brothers are baffled. 

falling hurts a shit ton (even without losing wings and all that), so caragan ends up crying, but they cry blood. (for angel reasons. i dunno why i think angels cry blood.) which drips from their face and onto the white fabric of the thing they’re wearing, and then everything white fades into a red, even the white of their eyes. (i want to try very roughly animating that one day.) 

then there’s another heart warming reunion, but also with a shit ton of heart break because not only did caragan die, they also just fell. the brothers are angy.

before the brothers can get all “let’s fight god,” caragan hands diavolo the paperwork, all of which he reads out loud for the brothers. 

uh. roll credits. 

just tidbits:

caragan is an angel of perseverance and a demon of despair. 

they have six wings and six eyes on each wing. 

their halo was a tangible ring of golden light, but when they fell, it became horns. but like… still in a ring shape. still a halo. just different. 

they are barefoot in their angel/demon form because they have talons and also just… hate shoes. 

when all the white turned red, all the gold turned silver. 

they look as they did during their second visit to the devildom when they enter their “afterlife.”  

their human form is also just… them. hoodie, ripped jeans, everything, they’re just themselves. 

#obey me #mc:caragan #obey me mc #long post #dump #i wanted to post this as like... my first post but since i couldn't find the original i knew i had to go to my google docs where i copied #the post LOL #it was just effort #so now i'm not screaming about caragan into the void... there are PEOPLE here now and they're gonna SEE it #shit makes me nervous jhgdsgkfjsd

[poorlytunedukulele]

Day 13 - Night of the Hunter

September 13, 2872

It had all started with a cryptic message.

Andal Brask: Party.  Tuesday.  29°30'57.2"N 147°42'28.2"W.  ;)

Azra didn’t have much going on that day, so she figured why not?  If it didn’t end up being her scene she could always just leave.

Still, some paranoia (it wasn’t not paranoia if it was useful, she had to remind herself) made her want to check out the place beforehand.  Or maybe she was just bored.  In any case, she found herself staring at an empty patch of Pacific Ocean at around 1pm local time.  Andal’s coordinates had her smack dab in the middle of nowhere.  There weren’t even any islands nearby.  She flew her jumpship in lazy circles, wondering exactly what kind of prank he was playing.

It took her a good fifteen minutes to realize that Andal had never specified the coordinates were on Earth.  A quick check with her maps revealed that 29°30'57.2"N 147°42'28.2"W was at the peak of a very prominent mountain on Venus.

But there wasn’t a party site at the mountain, either.  There was a cache.  A cache with a cheeky note (written in unfamiliar hand) and another set of coordinates.  Those lead her to a cave on Mars, then an archive in Freehold, then a weird spire on Venus. 

Azra was having so much fun she almost forgot about the party.  There was a clue in a dead zone so full of interference even the GPS failed and she had to navigate by her map alone.  She had to go diving in a cenote for another.

Then one clue dropped her off in the middle of nowhere.  While she’d been galivanting about the system, night had fallen on the Appalachian Dead Zone.  She was in some unremarkable stretch of forest in the mountainscape.  There was nothing.  No tracks, no trail signs, no notes with hints, just the cooling night air.

Azra closed her eyes and listened.  And though there wasn’t any sounds to be heard over the wind, she did smell something.  Just the barest hint of smoke.  It grew stronger as the breeze picked up, so she followed her nose upwind.  She paused to listen frequently.  After a few minutes, she heard… something.  Were those voices in the distance?

Azra had finally found the party.  She hadn’t seen the fire because it was in a deep gully, hidden by foliage.  She crested the ridge and watched for a few minutes below as figures talked, danced, gestured, lit by the roaring flames.  It was hard to recognize anyone from the distance, but this had to be the right place.

Azra picked her way down the slope, social anxieties forgotten.  Why she’d needed to go through a scavenger hunt to get here she had no idea, but she wasn’t about to complain.  It had been fun.

The ground was slippery at the bottom of the valley (there was mud beneath the dead leaf cover).  Azra would have normally paused to gather herself before approaching, but she was robbed of the opportunity when she tripped and slid the last few meters.

She stumbled into the light of the fire.  A ragged cheer went up from those gathered- all Hunters, she noted.  Azra was mortified for a second, all eyes on her-

Then everyone went back to their conversations.

Almost everyone.  There were a few familiar faces in the crowd.  Andal ambled over, drink in hand, hood thrown back.  “Hey, you made it!  Wasn’t sure you would.”

“Liar,” Cayde called from across the clearing.  “You bet she’d get here before the night was up.”

“Didn’t mean I knew,” Andal countered, then turned his attention back to the young Hunter.  “How long ago did you start looking?”

“Uh… four hours ago?”

Andal raised an eyebrow.  “Scoping out the site early, I see.  It’s not even dark in the Pacific yet.”

“I was bored.”

“You bored now?” Cayde asked as he also came over.  He slung an arm over her shoulders and gestured.  “Welcome to the cool kid’s club.”

“Is that what it’s called?”  Azra asked.  “With capital letters and everything?  The Cool Kids Club?”

“No,” Andal sighed, “but it should be.”

“Only the cool kids get invites,” Cayde explained.  “Only the good kids actually find the place in time.  So here we’ve got ourselves a bunch of good, cool kids.  That includes you, now.”

“Who arranged all of this?” Azra asked. 

Andal shrugged.  “Someone from Dead End Cure, this time.  Sometime tonight there’ll be a contest to see who has the honor next year.  Speaking of honor, did you remember your party etiquette?”

Spark answered by transmatting two bottles of rum into his Guardian’s hands.  She waggled them in a proud boast.

“Brought the good stuff, I see!” an unfamiliar voice said.  “Though I don’t recognize you.”

Azra turned as a stranger approached.  They were half a head shorter than she was, leanly muscled, with dark skin and a camouflage-patterned cape.  Azra glanced for half a second at Andal, who shook his head.

“You’re going to have to do a lot of introducing tonight,” the Gunslinger said.  He clapped her on her shoulder and wandered off to talk with Shiro and another unfamiliar Exo.

Message received: you stand for yourself here, no help from me.

“I’m Azra Jax,” she said, transferring the bottles to her left arm so she could stick out her right hand.  “My Ghost is Spark.”

“Name’s Puck,” the Hunter said, taking her hand and shaking it firmly.

“It suits you,” Azra said without thinking.  They had a certain mischievous air about them.  That didn’t stop Azra from immediately regretting opening her mouth.  These were new people, she couldn’t go around saying whatever asinine thing came into her head first.

But instead of taking offense, the other Hunter just smiled.  “Thanks!  I picked it myself.  I think I have heard of you before, but I can’t recall when.  You frequent the ADZ?”

“No more than anywhere else,” Azra replied.  “Um.  I did some stuff at Twilight Gap.”  She really hoped it was that and not the other thing people always recognized, but the other Hunter’s face remained contemplative.

Puck shook their head.  “Fun story, actually.  I was stuck on Venus that whole time.  My ship got shot down and nobody could come pick me up.  I don’t think that’s it.”

Azra realized she’d be having this conversation a lot tonight.  She considered just leaving.  Booze and a bonfire didn’t really outweigh hours of curiosity she’d have to entertain.  “I’m the Arcstrider,” she said, aware of the weariness in her voice.

“Oh, yeah!” Puck’s eyes lit with recognition.  “Say no more.”  A pause.  “Damn, aren’t you like, four?”

“Yeeeessss?” Azra said.

“Andal!” Puck barked.  The Gunslinger ambled back over with Cayde and Shiro in tow.  He was trying to suppress a grin and failing. 

“You didn’t break the rules, did you?”  Puck demanded.  “No hints.”

Andal bowed.  “No, ma’amsiree.  Just the starting coordinates.  And a winky face.”

“I told you ‘sir’ is fine,” Puck sighed.

“I think mine is the more elegant solution,” Andal said with an air of superiority.  “Rolls off the tongue.  ‘Sir’ sounds like ‘zir’ and then we all get confused about how formal we’re being.”

Azra had already lost where the conversation was going.  “I ended up staring at the Pacific Ocean for a while before I realized what was up,” she offered.  “Also I have no idea what you’re arguing about.”

“Listen,” Puck said.  “Zavala uses ‘sir’.  Sloane uses ‘sir’.  Nobody is going around saying ‘him yes him’!  It’s never going to get confused.  Yours just sounds dumb.”

Azra turned to her Ghost for help, but he just did a shrug-twirl and floated closer to her shoulder.  “I didn’t spend a lot of time with people before meeting you,” he whispered.  “I have no idea either.”  Puck and Andal continued their debate, to Azra's befuddlement.

“Somebody please explain it to the newbie before she gets an aneurysm?” Shiro interrupted.  "She's turning red."

Puck turned to face her, dark eyes flashing in the firelight.  “Okay, fine.”  Azra knew that tone of voice.  It was identical to the one she’d used earlier, a weary ‘let’s get this over with’.  Puck spoke slowly.  “So I’m not a ‘ma’am’.”

“You’ve made that very clear, sir,” Azra said.  

“I’m not technically much of a ‘sir’ either,” Puck explained.

Azra’s brain plugged the new information into her equation and threw up an error message in response.

Andal cackled.  “I’m not sure we’re out of aneurysm territory, my fey friend.”

Azra held up her hands.  “You just spent like two minutes arguing-“

“I’m sure we could drag this on for another few,” Shiro said, “but let’s not.  Puck uses ‘ze’ and ‘zir’.  Andal always complains about honorifics because he likes smashing words together in terrifying new ways.”

“That’s it?” Azra said.

“There is no widely accepted gender-neutral honorific,” Andal said.  “But one day…”

“Really trying to change the world, this one,” Puck muttered.  Ze looked at Azra with a question in zir eyes.  Does this have to be a conversation?

“Uh.. it suits you?” was all Azra could think of.

Andal grinned and nudged Puck with an elbow.  Puck rolled zir eyes. 

Azra turned on her Gunslinger friend.  “Your solution to the ma’am/sir issue was ma’amsiree?”

“It’s in beta,” Andal said.  “Still working out the kinks.”

“It’s a wonder you haven’t come across this problem before if you’ve been running with him,” Puck said.  “Referring to people in… interesting ways is kind of his thing.”

Azra shrugged.  “That’s the trick.  I just don’t refer to people in general.”

“If it really bothers you, Puck, I’ll stop,” Andal offered.  “I was getting the vibe that you liked that bit, but I’m always willing to be proven wrong.”

Puck just laughed.  “As long as you don’t teach the newbies any bad habits.”

“I am sorry to inform you it is far too late for that,” Shiro intoned.  “The puns, Puck.  They get so much worse when she’s around.”

“Well see if I share my liquor with you,” Azra groused.  “I had to go into the City proper to get this stuff.”

Puck eyed the bottles she still cradled in her arms.  “Well, since you brought two, you deserve a present.  Come on.”  Ze swatted her shoulder until she moved to stand by a mostly-empty folding table.  Puck vaulted easily on to the table and stood.

“Hey!” ze shouted, clapping zir hands once.  All conversation died immediately.  “Public service announcement!  This,” ze gestured down to where Azra stood, frozen in shock, “Is Azra Jax.  She’s an Arcstrider.  Oooooo.  Big mystery.”  The Hunter waved zir hands in a spooky gesture, voice dripping with sarcasm.  “Here’s the deal: if any of you bug her about it, she gets permission to stab you.” 

“She won’t stab anyone even if they bug her,” Cayde called.  “She’s shy.”

“Then I give Cayde permission to stab you,” Puck said blithely.  Cayde made a silent gesture of celebration, which Puck ignored.  “I just eliminated a lot of boring conversation.  You’re welcome.”

“Is giving Cayde permission to stab people a good idea?” someone asked.

“Better not toe the line then, shouldya?”  Puck waggled a finger, then jumped nimbly down from zir table.  The hum of conversation resumed after a few seconds.

“Thanks,” Azra said.

Puck waved her off.  “I’m the host, it’s my job.  Drinks go over there.  Ashton left to get pizza like two godsdamned hours ago, you’re welcome to some whenever that gets here.  No explosions or ordinance unless some Fallen show up.  Be nice.  No bothering Azra about being an Arcstider.  That’s all the party rules as of now.”  Ze fixed her with a stern glare.  “Don’t make me add any more.”

There was a loud crack- a branch snapping under someone’s foot.  A cheer went up as an unfamiliar Hunter walked into the clearing. 

“That’s my cue,” Puck said, giving a sly wink.  “Have fun.”  The Hunter strode off to welcome the next person to the party.

"Come on," Cayde urged.  "I don't think you've been introduced to Mot Balek.  I have to be there to see that."

AO3 Linky

#destcember #destcember2020 #destiny #destiny the game #shhhh #it's still the thirteenth somewhere #andal brask #cayde-6 #shiro-4 #and self-indulgent nb characters #oh my

[girlofmanyfandoms]

Forbidden Spicy Gatorade Chronicles Chapter One

A/n: Ok, so the cult is getting stronger by the minute so if you haven’t been introduced yet, don’t be offended! I’ll try to go through everyone and introduce you in the next chapter. Erica (@the-never-ending-void) has asked not to be included in this fic.

Key:

Tater - @a-lonely-tatertot 

Lynn - @lesbilynnette

Gray - @silver-snow

Lilah - @tribblemakingalicorn

Cadence - me

Ivy - @imaramennoodle

Molly - @molly-sencen

Farris - @everyonehasthoughts

Speens - @an-absolute-travesty

Holes - @holesinmyfalseconfidence

Connor - @linhammon-roll-bromance101

Panda - @worldwidepandamonium

Meg - @ultralazycreatorfan

Word count: 2,382

Warnings: If you’re reading this, you already know what’s about to pop off

Lilah poked Cadence’s shoulder who promptly rolled over. Lilah poked her several more times, a bit more aggressively. Grumbling Cadence sat up quickly and smacked her head on the top of the bunk bed. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. Her eyes slowly adjusted to her surroundings, taking in the strangely black, purple, and gold aesthetic room.

“Why’d you wake me up?”

“You got a notification,” Lilah said, eyes wide open, handing her the phone, slowly walking out of their shared room.

Cadence furrowed her brows, unlocking the phone before calling out to her roommate. “Wait, how long have you been up?”

“OREOS!” she called back. “Where are the keys?”

“On the kitchen counter,” Cadence replied, checking her emails. 1 unread message from Gray, the AI developer who she made small talk with during lunch breaks.

Dear Cadence,

Good evening! There’s a new play coming out on Mainstreet, called The Facade, and I was approached by the team to create a promotional piece. I was hoping you could help, and we would split the rewards 50/50. The play is about a murder crime, which is plotted out in a series of intricate riddles. The plot twist: the lead detective was the murderer, and had been delaying her trial while she was pretending to gather evidence, and stealing from a suspect to gain enough money to flee. And her second in command was funding the plots without knowing that her boss was the mastermind behind it all.

Ok, now that my boss has read above the cut we can talk freely. The offer is real, and I WOULD like to split it 50/50, I just can’t stand talking all formal, y’know? Anyway, since you said you do animations and stuff as a side gig, I thought maybe you could make the animations, and I’ll edit and do the social networking? Idk, I’m just spitballing here, let me know what you think.

Also, Lilah directed me towards this email, she’s really good at tracking people down.

Sorry if I made any spelling mistakes, I haven’t slept in weeks,

Gray

“Huh,” Cadence huffed, glancing at the clock. 3 AM. She had time. So, grabbing her IPad, she opened Procreate and got to work. The Facade. Sounds interesting enough. But what to draw? A lock perhaps? A silhouette of the main character? Before she could decide, her phone buzzed again, a voice recording this time, from Lilah.

“Hey, so I just ran into two of the actresses from The Facade and they said they want to talk to you about it so you can create a better promotional vid, meet me at the local library, k bye.”

Cadence wished on a shooting star that at least an hour had passed by so the buses would be running. But how wrong she was. It was 3 AM. It was raining. And the library was at least a mile away.

“This should be fun,” she mumbled, grabbing her set of keys, her IPad, and a raincoat before jogging the mile it took to get to the library.

_______

By the time Cadence arrived her hair was drenched and she was so out of breath and tired she thought she was going to pass out. She looked for any sign of her roommate, but she was nowhere to be found. Instead, she saw three people sitting at a table chatting freely and crying laughing. The librarian wasn’t fazed in the slightest. On the contrary, they seemed to be enjoying it, leaning over the library’s registry system, talking with them. Quickly Googling “The Facade,” Cadence confirmed that the two ladies were the actresses from the play. The other one offered occasional comments, mostly just watching the occurrences that went on. Social anxiety kicked in and told her to run in the other direction, but she really needed the money. She forced herself to approach them.

“Hey, I’m Cadence,” I introduce myself nervously. “Lilah said you wanted to speak to me about promoting your play?”

“Cadence! Lilah mentioned your animations, and we thought it’d be a new, eye-catching way to get our work out there,” the first one chirped. “I’m Molly, by the way. I play the detective’s second in command.”

“And I’m Ivy,” the other one greeted. “I play the lead.”

Cadence expected the third person to introduce themself next, but the librarian took the initiative. “Hello, fellow human, you may address me as SPEENS, I accept liver sacrifices.”

“They do that all the time,” the third person assured her. “Tater, by the way. I’m not in the play, I’m just working on a novel with Molly. We met up here to talk to good ‘ol Speens when these bit-”

“Language,” Molly warned.

“When these lovely individuals,” Tater corrected, “decided to make this a research sesh for the book. As if we needed more work. I’m free to fly wherever the wind takes me.”

“Amen to that, sibling,” Speens responded solemnly, pulling five wine glasses and vodka out from under the desk like a bartender. Cadence looked confused, but not against it. “Say, where’s the rest of the crew? Lynn, Gray, Farris, and the lot of them?”

“Farris doesn’t work on the set,” Ivy reminded her. “They’re an archaeologist. Holes makes the sets for us.”

Speens wrinkled their nose, seemingly in disgust. “And the others?”

“Well, if you can take a break, we can meet up with them at the theatre. Even Farris, since I heard their last trip was a bust,” Molly offered.

Without a second thought, Speens put up a sign that read “The Librarian is Out.”

“Do they-”

“All the time,” Ivy nodded. “It’s kinda their thing.”

“But, yeah, Farris and Connor tend to hang around the set,” Molly explained. “They don’t bother anyone, no one bothers them. They’re a bit older, kinda like the authority figures of the group.”

“If authority figures would let you make a dumba-”

“Tater,” Ivy nudged.

Tater changed their wording. “-unwise move in order to see what would happen.”

“They’re responsible for us without being responsible for us, if that makes sense,” Ivy commented. “Let’s get going though, before someone blows something up.” She shot a sideways glance at Speens, who put a hand up in surrender.

________

Ivy swung open the doors to the theatre and immediately had to duck for cover. “What the HELL, Connor?”

They were holding onto some theatre seats, zooming back and forth the row on rollerblades, occasionally losing balance and having to sit down. After a particularly messy turn-around, they decided to crawl over to the red carpeted steps and laid there for a moment. Farris was perched in a seat a row down, calming watching as Connor seemed to be having an existential crisis. Upon seeing Tater and Cadence, Farris got up, carefully stepping around Connor. “New kids?”

“Farris, this is Tater, and that’s Cadence,” Ivy helped. “They’re helping us promote the play.”

“Congratulations, you’re adopted,” they vowed, though Tater looked confused. “What? I don’t make the rules. Oh, wait, I’m supposed to be the responsible one…. Ok, so I make the rules, but they can be bent if the alternative’s interesting enough. Right, Connor?”

“Uh huh,” he called from the floor tiredly. If he hadn’t spoken, he would have been deemed dead.

“Lynn and the rest of the gang are in the back,” Farris informed them, pulling a skateboard from under their seat and helping Connor stand. Connor’s rollerblades flailed a bit as he struggled to get up, but his arm was slung around Farris’s shoulder, supporting him.

“DO A KICKFLIP,” Connor prompted, his words slurred.

“Are you kidding, I haven’t skateboarded since I was six, I need an actual skate park to practice that,” Farris recounted. “And how drunk are you?”

“Yes,” he responded, giggling in a hiccupy way. “Does anyone have more vodka?”

“I got you fam,” Speens said, pulling out a suitcase of alcohol from thin air.

“Anyways,” Ivy interjected, trying to get the conversation back on track. “I’ll go get the others, wait here.”

Ivy returned with Gray, Lynn, Holes, Panda, and Meg, and introduced them accordingly. “Gray works on the special effects, Lynn designed everyone’s costumes, Holes makes the set, Panda is a theatre critic, and Meg is our concept artist.”

“So, other than animation, is there anything else you bring to the table?” Molly asked.

“Well, I do glass art,” Cadence supplied. “It’s probably not relevant, but when it’s still really hot and glowy, which is when you can shape it, it looks like it would make a good snack. Hell, it almost looks like Gatorade. I can show a picture if you’d like.”

Cadence took her phone out and everyone crowded around to see.

“More like Powerade, Gatorade doesn’t come in that kind of blue,” Speens added.

“F O R B I D D E N S P I C Y G A T O R A D E,” Connor yelled, startling Farris.

“NO,” Holes countered, clearly distressed. “Do NOT drink molten glass. You’d die!”

“You call it death, I call it adventure,” Molly smirked. “I’m here for it. C’mon Holes, live a little.”

“Sis, how have you made it to adulthood thinking like that?” Lynn questioned, looking a bit scared.

“And I know how to live, I’m living right now!” Holes countered.

“Sure you are, nerd.” Molly rolled her eyes. “And how many near death experiences have you had, huh?”

“Near death- okay, first of all, I am not a nerd-”

“You kinda are,” Tater mumbled. Holes gasped, putting a hand over her heart as if they were betrayed. “What? You are. You make a living off of reading books.”

“Used to, friend,” Holes clarified. “I’m a freelance artist now. I picked up this gig because of these fools. And good thing too, because now you’re about to poison yourselves! Second of all, um, none?! How many have you had?”

Molly clicked her tongue in disappointment. “Five. Blended corn, acorns, eating soap, eating paper, and an intense game of dodgeball. I haven’t even peaked with these experiences yet.”

“Immortal until proven mortal,” Connor finished for her.

Meg stood next to Molly and held her shoulders. “This girl, she’s going places.”

“Meg, not you, too, I swear to god-”

“sLuRp,” Ivy joined in, grinning from ear to ear.

Holes was getting hysterical. “What the actual hell is going on? Lynn, help me out here.”

“The Gatorade is Forbidden for a reason, kids,” Lynn tried to reason.

Gray stood up with a mischievous glint in their eyes. “Where can we get it?”

“From the crunchy forbidden chocolate powder, of course,” Connor chimed in. Panda gave him a high-five while Holes became paler and paler from the cult forming in front of their eyes.

“This one speaks the truth,” Panda shrugged.

“Ok, what even is crunchy forbidden chocolate powder?”

“Sand, duh,” Connor said matter of factly. “Add some vodka, a martini, and some olives, and you got one heck of a slushie.”

“So that means there must be Forbidden Chewy Lettuce and Flavoured Forbidden Chewy Lettuce,” Tater went on. “Grass and flower petals. Cursed, but not wrong.”

“Ooh, and crackle air can be limestones and sodium carbonate, pies are dirt, bread is wood, and hard candy is metal,” Panda proclaimed.

“Fidget spinners are Forbidden Bagels, too,” Connor helped. “I should know, I tried the other day and cut my lip.”

Farris ignored the last part of Connor’s rant. “The variety pack, I like the sound of that.”

“Farris you’re supposed to look after us and you’re condoning this?!” Holes shouted.

Farris mounted his skateboard. “I’m not condoning anything. I’m enabling and hyping them up without joining in. That’s some big brain stuff.”

“This is why they control the brain cell,” Ivy nodded. “WAIT, ARE MY CHICKEN NUGGETS BURNING?!”

“Ives, you literally set a timer on the microwave backstage, you’re fine,” Tater reassured Ivy, holding her from running to check on her meal.

“Oh, like you know anything about microwaves,” Ivy argued. “You microwave ice cream.”

“It takes too long to soften, and I’m impatient,” Tater defended, turning to address Holes. “And it is eaten with a spoon.”

“Do not start this debate again- you know what, Panda, get ice cream from the mini-fridge, we’re settling this here and now,” Holes demanded.

“I think the real question is why is ice cream so hard,” Speens mentioned as Panda brought a tub of Haagen Daz ice cream. Holes used a fork to attempt to chisel out part of the snack. It wasn’t very successful.

“I think that’s just how Haagen Daz works,” Cadence observed.

Holes saw this as an opportunity to gain some momentum in the argument. “Not just this brand! All ice cream works like that!!!”

“No,” Panda objected. “Not Breyer’s. That stuff is always just right when you need it. Hashtag not sponsored.”

“Did you just break the fourth wall?” Lynn asked. “You know what, I don’t wanna know, just for the love of all that is good in this world please don’t drink the Forbidden Spicy Gatorade.”

“Too late,” Cadence said. “It’s easily accessible. Also, I’m calling E so we can recruit her.”

“Holes, I know you’re hiding it from us,” Molly speculated.

“What are you talking-”

“You’re keeping the Forbidden Spicy Gatorade all to yourself because you know of its power and you want it all to yourself.”

“I don’t HAVE the Gatorade, and I’m explicitly telling you it’s going to kill you if you drink it!”

As the bickering went on, Lynn slipped off to the vacant staff lounge to pull out her phone. There had to be a supplier somewhere who would give them this. She searched for a few minutes, and, after a few dead ends, she finally found an investor. “Cha-ching. Forbidden Incorporated is in business,” Lynn smiled to herself.

“Forbidden Incorporated, eh?” Farris asked from the doorway. Lynn froze and cursed herself for forgetting to lock the door. Now Farris knew of her plans. “Tell you what, I’ll keep your secret under one condition: We split the money 50/50, and get equal control over the decisions. So, deal?”

Lynn hesitated. She wasn’t sure she could trust Farris, but seeing as this was the only way to stop Holes from knowing just yet, she had no other choice. “Deal.”

_______

A/n: So that was fun and took entirely too long to write. I hope you enjoyed it and if you’re in the cult and I didn’t include you, reblog this and I’ll make a list. The next chapter might focus on a smaller group bc there are like thirteen characters here and I’m tired. Peace out!

#forbidden spicy gatorade

[bisluthq]

I know this is preaching to the converted here but I genuinely don't understand Ks who think they broke up in 2019 while Lover was being recorded/ME! being filmed. Cause they say about the relationship breaking down around the 'fake wedding' but the wedding wasn't fake. I can sort of believe it if they broke up in 2018 with K choosing Josh for good but tbh given how they didn't interact from nov 2016 onwards + social media stuff I can't see it from then

I think I can actually understand it, it’s just not true. But I really am not here for dunking on people getting this wrong historically and in fact figuring out what happened here and why it went on for so long on main can teach us some valuable lessons so let’s go through this.

I think several things happened that lead fandom into making this kritical error (over and over): 1) Taylor went dark in November 2016. Kar didn’t. People who thought they were together found it comforting to believe that they were together because Karlie was offering Tay’s fans a window into “their” life together. Which was... not a window into Tay’s life, obviously, because that makes no sense, but I think it was a nice fantasy that was actively being reinforced by a number of influential Kays. But like yeah a lesson here is private couples are... about an equal amount of private usually unless one is much more famous and therefore seen more. But the less famous half of a celeb couple isn’t going to be posting lifestyle content from the home of their famous spouse who only poses with blank walls. That’s silly.

2) Taylor produced Reputation and said she is going to keep her private life private (for that era - idk why hard Kays keep dredging that prologue out as gospel for the rest of time when it does seem like it was part of the whole snake era vibes) and let the music do the talking. She also then went and said all of the album was for one muse. The latter makes no sense at all, as I’ve explained before there are.... pretty visibly three separate romantic relationships being discussed on the album. We have something messy in SIG, DBM, DWOHT and Dress except for the bridge (like the latter is not just in terms of gay/straight readings but it goes from “pining and anticipation” anxiety to “one and only my lifeline” - it literally is about two people and two different points in her life). We have something good and new in CIWYW, Delicate, KOMH and NYD. We then have Getaway Car. And we also have the diss tracks some of which do seem to reference messy muse in some ways. But Tay said to fans “this is all about my angel boyfriend Joe” and instead of being like “oh okay so that’s an exaggeration obviously but Joe can still be real you wouldn’t want to formally talk about exes when you’re happy in something new” Kays decided what she meant was “this is all about my angel girlfriend Kar”. Both are stupid things to believe due to the actual lyrical evidence and the fact that there are, as I yelled into the void for the first three years of thinking this, at least three relationships discussed in the lyrics but both opinions are kinda rooted in evidence of some sort.

3) Swiftwyn were extremely private for the first few years of their relationship and whenever they appeared formally in the media it was to stunt for her promo (which is often the case, like this is why pap walks aren’t great confirmation of a relationship) which made it possible to sell it as a PR relationship even though it made no sense as one. “Proving” it’s real in some capacity required deep diving for the multitude of receipts that they’re regularly spotted together as @youareinlovees so legendarily did. And nobody wanted to do that because they liked the idea that he’s not really around and that Kaylor are still on because lbr it’s a hotter idea. Like it’s that simple. Also, given Joe wasn’t a household name prior to dating Tay (but let me just stress again that his biggest role was before he dated her and he consciously took a step back when they got together), nobody knew anything about him and so they could call him boring and shit and therefore dispute her attraction to him while pulling up a stunty and kinda cringey Vogue interview lmao as proof of Kaylor’s deep love for one another.

4) big blogs spread lies and nobody bothered to verify the veracity of things that were being said. Which is probably our biggest lesson to take away from them. Fact check shit, kids. Y’all kept repeating the Kissgate thing - that they went dark straight after - when that was literally a lie. Like I love being fact checked and I think my regular readers know that because y’all relish fact checking me (as you should 😌). And you all should like being fact checked too. Being wrong isn’t a crime. We all get stuff wrong and we all say dumb shit. What’s bad is refusing to admit it, ya know, and ignoring evidence in order to prove something or twisting evidence of one thing into something else. And both sides are regularly guilty of this. Like hets spent ages going on about how Kar wasn’t important to Tay and was just the “situationship” lesson from the Elle essay (when I think it’s pretty clear she was all that glitters is not gold). And Kays spent ages saying Kar is her soulmate other half type. And both sets of people were being silly and not being objective.

5) Finally, there is a lesson about inductive versus deductive reasoning at play here. If you’re going from a conclusion - Karlie and Taylor are together and are soulmates - it becomes possible to twist anything into supporting that. If you think Karlie and Taylor never had anything at all it becomes possible to twist anything into supporting that. If you think inductively and try put together actual evidence that you find into a picture that makes sense you’re more likely to be on the right track. Like you can still fuck up because you’re not those people but at least you’ll make sense.

Anyway I think the point is we should learn from this situation and not bash people who believed it for a long time because I can see how it happened and I’m happy many are seeing the light now.

[fearfilledvirgil]

Stargazing Lovers

Summary: Virgil was having a disaster of a day. That somewhat changed when he went for a late-night walk, bent on stargazing. 

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of death, mentions of insomnia/all-nighters, anxiety, intrusive thoughts

Word count:  4330

Pairings: analogical, platonic moxiety

A/N: this sprung from a word association game with @lovecrazyjennybear! She co-wrote it with me. and yeah hi hello im still alive hope y’all are too

masterlist

Taglist: @rileyfirstname @verymuchanidiot @definentlynotjustanotherlemon @silversmith-91 @kanejandkruge @sander-fander-sides @lovecrazyjennybear @the-incedible-sulk

~•~

Rain. Virgil loved it when it rained because of a multitude of reasons. When it rained, the sky was cloudy, and that meant that the bright, ever-blinding sun was gone. It was cold when water poured down from the sky, which meant that Virgil could wear his hoodie without any questioning. The sound of the rain pouring down on the roof and window were a comfort to him as well, which meant that his anxiety was at ease. Lastly, the rain produced a particular smell after it drenched the pavement, which was another great comfort to him about rain. Rain meant something to Virgil, and he certainly didn’t mind walking in it. He didn’t mind getting wet, getting cold, because that was just another reminder that he was, indeed, alive.

One thing that Virgil loved doing when it rained ever since he was a kid was jumping into puddles. Due to his anxiety that someone would be watching him and make fun of him for it, he didn’t do it often anymore. This didn’t completely stop him, however. Any time he knew there was no one else at home, he would go into the backyard and find the biggest puddle he could and jump in it.

Another reason he didn’t go jumping in puddles anymore was that he rarely wore his rain boots in public. He loved them, but they did nothing to help his anxiety. The black boots his best friend Patton got him had small purple rain clouds with lightning bolts coming out of them. They were a great match for Virgil’s personality, but not for his desire to not draw attention to himself. Virgil would only wear them out in public if he were out with Patton, as his rain boots were a generic bright yellow with a light blue clasp and sole.

Luckily for Virgil at this very moment, he was home alone, and the rain was pouring down harder than ever. He wanted to go and let out his childish side, but he couldn’t find his rain boots anywhere. He looked in every closet, cupboard, nook, and cranny to find the rubber shoes, but he was unable to. That fact alone made a weight of guilt settle in the pit of his stomach. Patton would be devastated if he found out that Virgil had lost the boots he gave him. The two always wore their rain boots out when they were together and it was rainy or wet. Virgil didn’t want to let him down, but here he was, unable to find what he was looking for.

Being the only person in the house that cared about cleanliness, he was usually the person who did all the cleaning. Virgil liked a clean house because an uncluttered space made his anxiety calm down. When he knew where things were, he was happy, but he currently did not know where his rain boots were. Therefore, he was not happy. Virgil didn’t understand where they could have gone. As mentioned, he was the only one who cleaned, so someone else wouldn’t have moved them anyway.

He knew that his anxiety would not help him in finding the boots. Virgil also knew that doing something repetitive like cleaning would help him relax enough to start thinking logically. He looked around for something that needed to be cleaned and noticed a couple of dishes still in the sink. With a sigh, Virgil got to work on making sure they were spotless. Once that task was complete, he felt calmer and level headed, so he began thinking of the last place he had seen the boots.

From what he could remember, the last time he wore them was when he went for a walk in the rain with Patton. Walks with Patton lead to puddle splashing, which usually leads to muddy boots. Where do muddy boots go? The garage. With that unclear memory in mind, he decided to attempt to find them in the garage.

After at least two hours of searching, Virgil found nothing. He looked everywhere in the garage from the high racks to the low crates. He could not, for the life of him, find his rain boots. At this point, Virgil had no motivation left to continue to look in the garage. The sun had probably set a while ago, so it was even colder in the non-insulated garage than before. To top that off, it wasn’t even raining anymore. Tired, stressed, unmotivated, and guilty, Virgil decided to retreat to his bathroom with his towel in hand.

With a sigh, Virgil turned on the water until it was nearly scalding hot. He then stepped into his shower, knowing full well that he would spend more time contemplating than actually showering. It was easy to with the water cascading down his back, and the darkness smothering his eyes. Virgil couldn’t bear to turn on the light, not when (in combination with other things) the night was so beautiful. He loved the night, the dark, so he reveled in it. The dark was where even he couldn’t see his own flaws.

After the water grew cold, Virgil stepped out, wrapping himself into his towel. Once he made it into his room, he noticed the clouds that once had covered the sky were no more. Without the heavy cover, the stars showed themselves to be shining brightly in the night air. Even though the puddle jumping was a failure, it didn’t mean he still couldn’t try and enjoy the day. The anxious boy could almost hear Patton’s voice in his head, saying that one bad experience doesn’t make an entire day irretrievable. Changing into black sweats, a black shirt, and his hoodie, Virgil made his way outside and towards a hill near his house to practice some Astronomy.

When he reached the peak, however, there was already someone there.

The person’s back was facing Virgil, clad in some sort of dark collared shirt. The figure turned around in an instant, probably in response to Virgil’s footsteps on the grass or his breathing that was becoming heavier as the seconds ticked on. The whites of the hoodie-clad boy’s eyes were astoundingly exposed, unblinking irises expanding tenfold at the star-lit face of the intruder of Virgil’s safe place.

The first thing that Virgil saw was the glint of the moonlight reflecting off of glasses. His first thought was of Patton, but when the light faded, Virgil tensed.

It was Logan. Logan Sanders, the biggest nerd who was top of Virgil’s class. The boy who never got below 95% on any assignment; the seemingly friendless tutor who no one ever saw outside of anything academic in nature. Logan, who usually was seen wearing some kind of formal attire, whether it be only a tie or up to a three-piece suit. This was the boy who expressed his few and far between emotions with his catchphrase “falsehood” screamed at the top of his lungs. Normally the accusation used to that caliber happened during a debate when someone would present a lie as factual, knowingly or otherwise.

Honestly, this guy was strangely calming to Virgil when he wasn’t fuming at other’s stupidity during an argument. He was calm, at least from a distance. Virgil never fully interacted with him before, keeping Logan and anyone else at an arm’s length. But Logan didn’t look down on people for not knowing something. He didn’t barrage people for not having the same understanding as him, instead helping the person see the problem clearer. He was a Logician, working on facts but never discarding emotions and experiences.

Virgil swayed on his feet, realizing that he had been staring at Logan for too long to be socially acceptable.

“You were in my Astronomy class last year, weren’t you?” Virgil blinked when Logan broke the silence. Logan took a small step closer to Virgil, tilting his head in curiosity.

“I… uh,” Virgil stuttered out, internally cursing himself. He made his feet take a half-a-step closer to Logan despite the churning in his stomach. He swallowed the lump rising in his throat, trying to ignore the tension in his chest. “Yeah.”

Virgil clenched his jaw, disappointment in himself growing for how lamely he ended that pathetic excuse for a sentence. Logan seemed to notice this with a blink and a relaxing of his shoulders.

“Logan Sanders.” Logan offered his left hand gently, keeping it relaxed and pointed downwards slightly. Virgil was grateful for the fact that his other hand was still in sight.

“Um. Virgil,” His left hand shakily escaped from his hoodie pocket. Virgil almost wanted to scoff at Logan introducing himself, as if they didn’t share a year-long course together the year prior. Then again, Virgil had no idea how people usually introduced each other. With a harsh blink and a cringe in on himself, the uneasy boy registered that he didn’t give his last name as Logan had. “Virgil Casey.” The two hands met in the middle of the space between the two of them, and clasped together gently for a handshake.

“Salutations, Virgil,” Logan released Virgil’s hand, taking a step back. One foot was still facing Virgil, but the other was pointed toward a telescope that Virgil hadn’t noticed before. His body was half facing the other boy, yet still slightly away from him. “I suppose you came up here to look at the stars as well?”

Virgil nodded, putting his hand back in his coat pocket. “If you would like, I’d be willing to show you some constellations.” Logan blinked at how fast Virgil’s head snapped upwards from its downward position at his words.

“I know some,” Virgil’s voice hardened as his words cut defensively.

“I didn’t mean to say you don’t know any,” Logan’s voice was low, the vibrations from his words a soft hum. Virgil didn’t notice that he walked close enough to Logan to appreciate the cadence of his voice. “I was merely asking if you would like to be shown some more?”

“Oh. Um. Sure?” He didn’t mean the last word to be a question, but that’s how it came out. Forever unsure of himself, Virgil frequently made statements sound more like questions. It was one of the many things he disliked about himself, come to think of it. Virgil wrapped his arms around his torso, clawing his fingers tightly around his jacket sleeves.

Logan motioned to his telescope in a way of invitation, nodding his head toward it with the gesture. “I have this positioned to be able to see Apus.”

Virgil’s feet (not clad in his rain boots, something that still made his stomach turn) moved without his consent until they stopped in front of the telescope. He glanced away from the man beside him, settling his eyes on the telescope. “To see what now?”

“Apus. It is the exotic bird, or the bird-of-paradise, in the sky. Its name is Greek for ‘without feet’ because the Greek people once believed the bird-of-paradise did not have feet.” Logan took half a step back from his machine, allowing Virgil to take his place in front of it. It was a beautiful device, the most beautiful that Virgil had ever seen. The base color was black, the metal dark yet shining in the starlight. It had accents of dark blue it seemed, though it was difficult to tell in the dark. There were also silver linings on the telescope, pulling everything together into beauty.

“Oh my fucking god,” Virgil stepped up to line himself with the telescope. He let some of his anxiety go, wishing upon himself smoother emotions. “You are such a nerd.” Virgil leaned in to look into the telescope.

“Roman seems to enjoy calling me that,” Logan commented, more to himself that to Virgil. While Logan and Roman weren’t exactly friends, they did have a friendly rivalry going in their English class.

“He’s a prep who rules the school. It’s almost like it’s ingrained into his DNA or something,” Virgil didn’t look away from the telescope, enjoying the star shape he’d never knew existed. “Any other stars you wanna show me?”

Logan enjoyed Virgil’s enthusiasm at learning about space. It was something he knew plenty of. The two continued to look at different constellations long into the night. Virgil sometimes asking to know more information than Logan first gave on a particular group of stars. Before either of them knew it the two had talked until it was nearly morning.

Logan was the first to notice the time. “I will definitely need to correct my Circadian Rhythm seeing as it is 5 am.”

“Fuck, is it really?”

“I would not lie about that. It appears that I need to return home in order to get ready to go.”

Virgil squinted his eyes in confusion. It was now early Saturday morning, so where did Logan need to go to? “Where are you going if you don’t mind me asking?”

“My family is taking a day trip to the museum.”

Virgil looked at him. “Well I think you’ll have fun. Especially since you like the history and science stuff.”

“I agree it should be enjoyable.”

The two waited in silence for many moments more, both reluctant to leave the hilltop. Unbenounced to Virgil, Logan was apprehensive to leave. He didn’t want to leave Virgil–the boy who yelled and hissed and hit back but shook with fear once it was over–alone in this secluded place when it was still nightfall. Virgil didn’t want to leave because of a similar reason, but also because of the time. In about an hour, the sun would rise, and seeing it’s rays slowly but surely peak over the horizon from way up here was the most beautiful thing that Virgil had ever seen.

That is, not counting that look in Logan’s eyes when he’s rambling about something he particularly enjoys.

“Are you coming?” Logan’s smooth, if not tired, voice pressed in through Virgil’s ears, causing him to remove his eyes from the horizon. The other had already packed up his telescope and was seemingly ready to leave the hilltop. Virgil’s heart plummeted. He was the reason he was still here?

“It’s a little early to leave, isn’t it?” Virgil said under his breath. He still didn’t want to return home. If he could, he would live the rest of his life inside this one moment.

“What do you mean?” Logan asked.

“It’s just… The sunrise is always a wonderful thing to see. The way the sky slowly changes colors from the darkness of night to the bright color of the morning is breathtaking,” He turned to look back at the skyline. “Don’t you want to see that?”

Logan just looked at Virgil for a few moments. He could see that Virgil truly loved the idea of watching the sunrise. It was also clear that Virgil didn’t want to go home, at least not yet. Why? Logan didn’t know, but he couldn’t leave the other boy up on this hill alone. With a quick look at his watch, Logan decided he could stay until the sunrise and not be late for the family trip.

“That does sound pleasant. I suppose we should stay for it.”

“Wait. Really?” Virgil asked

“Yes.” Logan put down his telescope case to further prove his point.

“Thank you,” Virgil started out, taking a deep breath before shifting to get comfortable sitting down on the grass. “When it’s past 5 am, there’s really no reason in going to bed anyway. Getting sleep messes with being able to sleep the next night so…”

“I take it you have sleepless nights often, then?” Logan countered as he sat down next to Virgil. Very close to him, Virgil noticed instantly. “That cannot be good for your health.”

“I try to avoid it, but it’s bound to happen.” Virgil put his arms around his knees, going silent as the faintest peaks of sunlight started to slide over the horizon. The sunrise was early today, he supposed.

The light was fascinating. It crawled slower than a snail’s pace, but it still lit up the sky as it did so. It grew and grew, creeping up and out of the hills with every passing moment. Soon, the grave the sun made for itself was opening wider, allowing a sliver of the sun to be shown. The sky had taken a golden hue near the horizon a long while ago, the gold rays of light infecting the dark navy sky and bringing it to life. It was a painfully slow process, but as Virgil watched it in silence with Logan by his side, he could never have asked for anything more.

The sun was up. It was now shining brightly just over the horizon. It hurt to look at now, but that wasn’t stopping Virgil. He still didn’t move.

“Is there,” Logan paused, swallowed, and shifted so he faced Virgil. “Is there a particular reason you haven’t departed yet?”

“Hmm?” Virgil hummed instead of giving a worded answer. He turned away from the cloud-obscured sun to look at Logan.

Logan’s lips were pursed, eyebrows tighter than before. It was odd for Virgil to see, especially since the boy’s face had been relaxed for the entirety of their night together. “You wished to see the sunrise. That seems to have ended several minutes ago yet you haven’t made any attempt to move.”

Virgil shifted to put his hands under his legs, sitting on the shaking fingers. “It’s just... peaceful up here.”

“It is.” Logan needlessly adjusted his glasses. There was a pause, then, slowly, “However… I believe that there is another reason.”

Air heavily released from Virgil’s lungs, blowing out of his nose as his body deflated. Even after only a night spent together, Logan was able to read him better than most others. Not including Patton (who’s gift of rain boots he had lost and hadn’t been able to find). He wasn’t sure that he could tell Logan the many reasons why he didn’t want to go yet. There wasn’t a specific one, really, but rather a list of anxieties weighing Virgil down to the hilltop. “Mom’s out of town on a business trip. I don’t enjoy being home alone.”

“And your father is out of town as well?” Logan’s voice barely lifted at the end, as if it were more of a statement than a question. That was a reasonable, logical thought. Most people assumed that their peers still had both parents, especially at this age.

Virgil’s eyes broke away from Logan’s form. They wandered back to the sky, then fixed downwards at his thighs. “My dad…” The words were heavy on his tongue. “He died a few years ago.”

His father’s death was a sore subject. It was something that he never talked about, even with Patton. The two had met after his dad’s passing, so Patton never knew Virgil with both parents at his side. Virgil was certain that Patton was still under the impression that his dad died when Virgil was a young child, not a struggling teenager.

Silence rang out into the night as if Logan was at a loss for words. He probably was, considering the odd breathing pattern coming from him. It sounded as if Logan was opening his mouth, then closing it again, several times. “I, well... I apologize, Virgil. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t know, Logan.”

The silence that had begun after Virgil revealed something personal persisted for longer. It wasn’t an uncomfortable, stifled silence like before. Actually, the silence was nearer to the comfortable calm when they watched the sunrise. However, after a fair few minutes, Logan broke the stillness. “Unfortunately, I do need to return home.”

Virgil’s head reluctantly straightened up, slowly turning to nod in confirmation. He hated that the wonderful time had to end. A squirming, crawling emotion slithered in his chest. What if he’d never have such an amazing, peaceful night again? And with someone was smart and kind as Logan? There would be an uneasy sense of finality in walking home now.

It felt as if the air knew that this was something that would never happen again.

Logan picked himself off from the ground, moving to grab his telescope case. Unbeknownst to Virgil, the blue-clad boy was deeply lost in thought. The previous night was one of the most pleasant and calming that he’d had in a while. The hilltop was perfect for watching the stars, which he knew. What Logan didn’t understand until then was how nice it was to find someone who was as passionate about astronomy as he was.

“Virgil?”

“Hmm?” Virgil hummed in response.

“I was wondering if you would like to join me up here again Sunday night? Or considering it is nearly six in the morning, tomorrow night. We are due for an eclipse and while they are very pleasing to see with the naked eye, they are absolutely astonishing to see with the telescope. And it allows you to see some of the stars that are positioned closer to the moon you cannot normally see due to the brightness.”

Virgil’s eyes widened at the invitation. Logan–intelligent, seemingly friendless Logan–had invited him to spend more time with him? This couldn’t be the same Logan he knew from school. He had to be possessed or overtaken by a ghost or something. There was no way that he’d want to spend time with anyone, let alone someone who was such a mess.

Noticing the panic that gathered in Virgil’s eyes, Logan reached out his free hand to gently touch Virgil’s shoulder. The action made the anxious one jump, tense, then relax in the span of a few seconds. He never would have considered that someone like Logan would want to touch someone like Virgil. Logan’s hand remained on top of Virgil’s shoulder, just under his hood.

“I enjoyed spending time with you, Virgil,” Logan offered a twitch upwards of his lips along with a softening of the lines around his eyes and forehead. “Our shared interest and easy-going interactions make me want to see you again.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” Logan didn’t seem to mind that he had to constantly reassure Virgil of his anxieties. “I didn't realize that the night had passed because I enjoyed spending time with you. It’s rare to find someone with so much passion for something. You clearly love astronomy and wish to learn as much as possible. It’s refreshing actually.” The small smile never left Logan’s face.

Without realizing what he was doing, the anxious boy had wrapped his arms around Logan in a hug. When Logan didn’t initially return it, his thoughts started to get the better of him. He tensed, arms stiff but still around the boy who was practically a stranger. Why did he do that? Why did he think that was acceptable? Virgil probably just fucked up a good thing, didn’t he? Logan was merely being kind and he went and did something like that? He was such a dumbass.

Thankfully, a microsecond later, those anxieties were pushed aside slightly when he felt arms wrap around him. “Sorry,” Virgil said softly, wondering how that much of Patton had managed to rub off on him that he’d do something like that.

“It’s quite alright. I was just not expecting it.” Logan’s hands smoothed across Virgil’s back in a star pattern, as if he were drawing the shape. It was comforting, but the familiarity made tears begin to prick at Virgil’s eyes. His dad used to do that when he hugged his son.

Virgil blinked heavily. He tightened his grip on Logan, bunching the fabric of his shirt in his fingers. That level of hug lasted only a few seconds before Virgil loosened his arms. Both began to pull away.

“I guess, goodbye then?” Virgil mumbled, voice slightly wetter than he would have liked. It was slightly choked up, but thankfully Logan didn’t comment on it.

“It seems so.” Logan pulled his hands completely away from Virgil, their fingertips brushing for a moment. They stayed there, staring at each other, for a moment too long. Virgil cleared his throat, and Logan swallowed. His lips were turned upwards ever so slightly. “See you here tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Virgil shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. They were tingling for some reason that most definitely wasn’t anxiety. His mouth upturned into a smile to mirror Logan’s. “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.” Logan echoed with a nod, then leaned down to pick up his telescope case. Virgil didn’t know when he had put it down. Both took a few steps away from each other with shuffling feet on the damp grass. Logan’s mouth parted, then quickly closed without further words. The four-eyed boy turned, let his feet begin to carry him away from (Virgil dare say) his newfound friend, before casting his head backward one last time.

The view he witnessed was incomprehensible.

Virgil stood just at the edge of the hill, teetering on the brink of disaster. The dim lighting of newborn sunlight didn’t allow Logan to see Virgil’s face in its entirety, but he perceived the most noticeable details. He looked calm, standing next to doom, face soft and blissful with the smallest of genuine smiles gracing his lips. The wind had picked up at some point, allowing the dark locks of the anxious one’s hair to float just so. His unzipped jacket was fluttering in the breeze as well. Jingles of the tiniest variety sounded from the zipper clinking against metal. The sun, partially blocked by clouds, shown vibrantly from behind. The rays that escaped the warmly colored sky protruded out from Virgil as a hollow of light.

“Goodbye, Virgil.” Logan found himself saying, breathless.

“Bye, Logan.” Virgil tipped his fingers off his forehead in a salute, his smile infinite in the sunlight. Logan turned away once more, his own smile growing exponentially, feelings in both of their chests swirling swiftly at the days to come.

#Analogical #virgil sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #analogical fanfic

[raisondetempete]

Ten Characters Tag

I was somehow tagged by the wonderful @dialovers-translations​???? I’m not worthy of being mentioned by her. Anyways, here’s the post. I am very bad at conveying my opinions so some of the descriptions might be a bit odd.

Rules: make a new post, name 10 of your favorite characters from 10 different fandoms that you like, and then tag 10 people.

1. Hanayo Koizumi (Love Live)

No offense, but if you didn’t know I loved her, you’re fucking blind. She’s literally my profile picture and header. Anyways, Hanayo is my favorite anime character ever. She and I are very similar in that we’re shy introverts with glasses that love to sing despite having social anxiety. My friends that have watched the show say that we’re basically the same person. In fact, her birthday is 5 days after mine. Her voice is my favorite out of everyone else’s voice in the Love Live series. Her old voice is to die for (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, listen to Love Marginal or Kodoku na Heaven). I could go on about her for hours, but I’ll stop here.

Honorable Mention: Honoka Kousaka

2. Rinko Shirokane (Bang Dream!/Bandori)

I. Love. Rinko. So. Much. My name in Bandori is “Worship Rinko/Lisa” with one of my banners dedicated to her. Kinda the same reason why I like Hanayo so much, Rinko is similar to me in that we both have social anxiety and can play piano I’m not good at describing this oof. She’s really beautiful and I love her gothic lolita aesthetic. Her voice is also really good (although I prefer Yurika Endo’s voice much more than Kanon Shizaki, her voice is still good)

Honorable Mention: Lisa Imai

3. Reiji Sakamaki (Diabolik Lovers)

(Fun fact about me: I get really shy looking at characters I think are hot so this was hard for me.) I’m a really kinky person. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m a huge masochist and am 100% a sub. I also like guys that are smart and formal. So, Reiji is the perfect guy for me. I can’t remember if he was always my favorite character (I watched the anime at least 5 years ago). However, I do know he was my favorite by the time I started reading the game translations (which were about a year and a half ago). Honestly, he can 100/10 tie me up and whip me any day.

Honorable Mentions: Laito Sakamaki, Ayato Sakamaki

4. Saeran Choi/Ray/Unknown (Mystic Messenger)

So, based off the three aformentioned characters, you can tell I like shy characters and sadistic, dominant characters. Well, Ray is a combination of the two. Although Jumin was my favorite before (that 2nd bad ending yes-), the image above is what sealed the deal. I got almost all his bad endings (could never get the 3rd and my friend was loaning me her account and wanted it back for a bit) and his true ending. The 2nd bad ending was my favorite ending of his route and tied for 1st for my favorite ending in the game (Jumin’s aforementioned 2nd ending is tied with him). I prefer Unknown over Ray as he’s the type of sadist I like (plus, his theme is a bop).

Honorable Mention: Jumin Han

5. Wu Chang/Xie Bi’an and Fan Wujiu/Black and White Guard (Identity V)

If you been on my blog at all, you know that I love Wu Chang as my header is “Wu Chang is Daddy”. I say this a lot in world chat in-game too. I have a whole folder dedicated to them on my computer. If you had to ask me which one I prefer, I couldn’t answer that question. What I like about Xie (White) is his calm, gentle nature which is perfect for me because I’m really shy and sensitive while Fan (Black)’s nature is aggressive and domineering which I also love.  A fair few of my followers started following me for my Yandere Wu Chang fanfic (link to part 1 if you want to read it) so thanks for that. 

Wu Chang can double penetrate me

Honorable Mentions: Yidhra (Dream Witch), Vera (Chloe) Nair (Perfumer)

6. Vincent Pait (Dead Wishes)

If you love yanderes and/or games with dark themes, Dead Wishes is for you. I love this game so much and, although I haven’t finished playing yet, I can basically guarantee Vincent is best boi. He’s like Reiji, but instead kidnaps you and chains you up in his house. However, he still does punish the MC a lot. Warning though: the game is not for the faint of heart (I was streaming Vincent’s route for my friends and one of them got so freaked out over a punishment, he banned me from streaming the game and mentioning Vincent).

7. Yuuya Kizami (Corpse Party)

I’m one of the very few people that like Kizami. Practically everyone else hates him. If I wasn’t a masochistic yandere fucker, I probably wouldn’t like him either. But, you’ve got admit. He’s hot. I find is backstory interesting, as he was always the way he is. Unlike Morishige, the school didn’t change him. Also, another very unpopular opinion, I really dislike Yuka. I find her really annoying. She acts like she’s 8 when she’s 14 or something. Because of this, I didn’t mind her dying.

Honorable Mentions: Sachiko, Seiko Shinohara, Mayu Suzumoto

8. Sebastian Michaelis (Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji)

Note: Along with Reiji, I had to work up the courage to search for pictures of him. Sebastian has been one of my favorite anime characters for awhile. I think I watched Kuroshitsuji in 6th grade, so that was awhile ago (I’m not comfortable stating my age). I can’t really describe why I like him so much. He’s just... perfect. He’s a gentleman and incredibly, but is a huge sadist as well which is a huge plus. 

Honorable Mention: Ciel Phantomhive

9. Sal (Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea)

Ah, yes. The trash himself. Once again, I am in the minority because I like Sal. The rest of the fandom hates him, because he’s an asshole. I love him because a yandere. In fact, he’s one of the few male yanderes listed on the Yandere Wiki. I discovered WATGBS in 8th grade and instantly fell in love with him once he showed his true colours. The possessiveness. The obsession. All things I love in a lover.

Honorable Mention: Wadanohara

10. Aya Drevis (Mad Father)

Mad Father and Ib were the games that got me into horror. Although I wanted to put Mary from Ib on this list, I like Aya and Mad Father just a bit more. Aya is this cute, adorable girl that, as the game goes on, reveals her dark nature. She frequently killed her rabbits, albeit unknowingly, chainsawed someone in half, and then went on to use humans as parts for dolls. All in all, 10/10 character. Bonus Reason: I adore the aesthetic of Mad Father. I love the use of dolls in games. I love the themes. I love the yandere themes in it (even though it’s platonic). Mad Father is a great game.

Honorable Mentions: Alfred Drevis, Ogre, Dio

I’m not tagging anyone because I’m really antisocial and don’t know many people on here-

#diabolik lovers #sakamaki reiji #hanayo koizumi #love live #bandori #rinko shirokane #yuuya kizami #corpse party #kuroshitsuji #black butler #sebastian michaelis #vincent pait #dead wishes #sal #watgbs #wadanohara and the great blue sea #Wu Chang #IdV #identity v #mystic messenger #saeran choi #ray mysme #unknown saeran

[waiting4inspiration]

So, I guess I should explain my absence for the past week...

It’s kind of an emotional story, and I’m battling to decide if I should just give short details as to not burden you guys about what’s going on in my life, or if I should just explain everything. 

I think it’s best to be frank and explain everything, that way, the reason for my absence is more justifiable. 

If you don’t want to read this, I will put everything below the ‘keep reading’, that way, you can ignore it easily.

But, long story short: I realize my mother is a toxic mother, I feel like a slave in my house, and I’m battling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts...

So, it started on Saturday, last week. I went to a friend’s house to catch up, play a few card games, have some drinks. And, we had like a DMC at 4am, talking about personal things. I told her everything that my mother had been doing as well as the current situation at home. And I’ve also been doing some research and I came to a conclusion about my mother that might have been obvious, but it really only hit me last weekend. 

My mother is a toxic, and narcissistic mother. 

Sunday, when I came home after sleeping over by my friend (because I wasn’t going to drive after having a few drinks), I was told by my mother that I’m rude because I didn’t say hello to her boyfriend - who, by the way, has never said hello to me first when I come home or when he comes home. Not to mention that I was slightly hungover and just wanted to sleep, so her words that I was rude really hurt me even more. 

This entire week, I’ve been dreading waking up and getting out of bed, scared of what my mother could say next to me. And I was right to feel that way. 

The common formality of say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ no longer exists with my mother. She doesn’t use those words anymore and it’s making that feeling that I’m a slave in my own house grow stronger. And even when she does say ‘please’ it feels like she doesn’t mean it. I always get told that they never get coffee anymore and granted that it might be a joke, it’s not the right time to make those jokes. I have to makes coffee for my mom and her boyfriend at least 4 times a day and if I don’t, my mother does this sighing thing and mutters under her breath that ‘she does everything in this house’. 

I’m ordered to sweep the house everyday, even though I know I have to because that’s a responsibility that I’ve taken because it’s my dog that sheds so much, so it’s my dog’s hair that’s on the floor. But I don’t have to be reminded to do that every day. 

I have to do dishes everyday. And my family doesn’t think that rinsing off their plates will make it easier for me, so I have to end up scrubbing ever single fucking plate. 

When my mother does something, she makes as if it’s a strenuous chore, sighs loudly and almost throws everyone around, making me feel bad and guilty that I haven’t done what she’s doing.

I’m tired. I’m emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually tired. But my tiredness isn’t valid to my mother or my family. They’re always ‘more’ tired than what I am, just because of the fact that I don’t have a job, so therefore, I have no reason to be tired. Apparently. 

All this has made my depression come back. And I’m so sick of constantly feeling tired, feeling the same things every day, that it’s making me thinking of self-harming again. And I thought that getting a tattoo over my past self-harm scars would make me feel better or like I’ve accomplished something, but it only reminds me of the times when things were bad and reminding me that there’s a way, even if it’s fucked up, to feel human again. 

And then comes the thought that this can all go away if I just...end it. 

So, I haven’t had the strength or energy for social media this week, I haven’t have energy to scroll through tumblr, or replying to messages or asks and stuff like that. I haven’t really had the energy to write any of the fuckload of WIPs I’ve got going on. I live in constant anxiety that I’m going to do something wrong and that’s going to make my mother explode and shot and stuff, that I don’t have the strength to do anything else. 

It’s clear that the only person she cares about in this house is herself, and her boyfriend. Which is why, I’ve decided that when this lockdown is over, when my sister gets married next year and moves out, I’ll probably be moving out too and I’ll be going to live with my dad and my stepmom.

The truth is, I've never felt more alone in my entire life than I have this whole week. And I feel like I'm a terrible person, a terrible friend to some, and I hate myself. My mind ends up chanting 'I hate myself I hate myself' every night when I go to bed, and I cry myself to sleep.

And I just want to die.

Anyway, so, that’s why I haven’t been active this week, but I really appreciate everyone’s concerns and how you’re all checking in to make sure I’m okay.

I’m not okay, but I’ll get there. I hope...

#tw: mentions of suicide #tw: self harm #tw: toxic family #tw: toxic parents #tw: toxic mother #does this count as abuse #update on me #sorry i haven't been active #but i'm suffering

[makimakikun]

Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

#hoshiai no sora #stars align #stars align spoilers #hoshiai no sora spoilers #星合の空 #maki katsuragi #anime #katsuragi maki #anime 2019 #sports anime #sports anime daily #maki katsuragi theory #stars align theory #hoshiai no sora theory #theories #mitsue kanako #kanako mitsue #abuse #abuse mention #child abuse #autism #adhd #boost #soft tennis anime #tennis anime #anime spoilers #spoilers #nai speaks #nai doesn't stfu #makimakikun

[w1986]

Harassment by Russian security services

I got into trouble with the Russian security services.

This happened approximately in 2015, 2016. The original motivation for the Russians initial approach to try and coerce/intimidate me is not known for sure, but it's most likely related to a political blog I was writing here in Finland from 2013 to 2016 approximately. The other equally plausible candidate reason, has to do with my brother, who I think is almost certainly working to benefit the Russians. He is a fairly big chief in the banking business, responsible for a dozen or so banks in the Southern Finland.

What was it like at first getting into trouble with the Russians?

Preparatory phase I believe there was a groundwork phase in this which involved collecting so called "Kompromat" or material to be used in extortion later. This kind of extortion doesn't work on me, due to my personality. But of course they couldn't know that in advance. Anyway, I think I got under surveillance by the Russians somewhere around 2014, but I did not suspect anything at this point, and there was no cue whatsoever that would've aroused my suspicions at the time.

Soft initial approaches or probes The first concrete interactions with the Russians occurred somewhere around late 2015 and early 2016. This involved fairly subtle things like people contacting me on social media and saying weird stuff, but I didn't really suspect this had something to do with the Russians, I only came to realize this later. Additionally in the spring of 2016 there was some in person approaches which were fairly distant, but they were kind of like testing how I would respond to certain things I'll skip explaining this time.

Actual recruitment/whatever effort When I went to this construction school which lasted 2 years it was also attended by an Estonian-Russian person named Andrei. He was first of all a really big guy, somewhere between 190-200 cm, and probably well over 100 kg. He wasn't a jerk or anything, though, but his behavior was a bit strange. Anyway I believe the plan for the Russians was to recruit me, and that it was this Andrei persons task to get it done during this 2 year education. And this involved subtle harassment and intimidation, like veiled threats and such, and they were pretty tricky, like bystanders wouldn't detect it very easily. This was achieved by using material collected elsewhere to substantiate the intimidation, basically hacking my computer and monitoring my online activities, and that sort of thing, provided material to use for the intimidation effort.

This I think didn't go so well, because first of all i suspected something was going on, but I didn't know what. But my initial attitude was that I tried to reject these approaches. Like when this Andrei person would ask me to do something with him, or something like that, I basically politely declined.

Escalation of matters So basically I started thinking that this person is probably related to the Russians and their security services, and later I came to realize the things that had happened earlier, were probably related to the same problem. First of all I started talking to people saying that this person is probably related to the Russian intelligence, like the KGB/GRU type of people. I didn't really know much about the entire topic at the time, but I think the Russians tried to misdirect me and kind of lead me to think that it's about something else. Well this kind of backfired too, coz I started talking about how they're trying to misdirect me, or basically something like that. And I wasn't 100% sure yet, that this was really the correct explanation for what was going on and as I developed alternative theories, like maybe I was just targeted online by some hacker, and the rest is just some weird coincidence.. Well the Russians tried to reinforce that, by trying to mess with me online making it look it was just some random hacker. Except, it didn't look like it was a random hacker, but instead, more like someone was trying to make it seem like that. So that didn't work so well.

This whole thing also caused me some anxiety so I tried to seek some help regarding that. Luckily though, or unluckily, depends how you look at this, I was already rather well-read on psychology and such matters, like I had watched/listened to hundreds of hours of lectures, read several books, and could name various disorders and understood a lot of stuff related to that. I wasn't exactly an expert in that I didn't have a formal degree, but for a random person, I was fairly knowledgeable.

Discrediting strategy So basically when I sought help for this anxiety problem, the Russians picked up another approach, they decided to try and make it look like maybe I was just imagining it, and instead incorporated these aspects into the harassment, which kind of sounded like if you'd try to tell someone about it, they might think.. well is that really what's going on? Or is that just what this person thinks is going on?

So that became their number one approach. Regardless of what I would believe about the case, they wanted to make sure, no one else would believe me. Or at least they'd be suspicious and think there are some alternative explanations to what's going on.

This sort of worked, except, it didn't, because I never really started to question these entirely logical and empirical observations, but it worked in the sense that if I would go through these events only superficially or not to a great enough detail, then people wouldn't understand why it is that I even thought it is the Russians. Like I would literally have to explain details about what this Andrei person said, and what some other person did, and what happened online at the same time, etc.

Literal death threats So the most concrete of all the threats and intimidations I've received, was during a time when this Andrei person said literally the following phrase - although it was in Finnish - "We are going to kill you". So, you might think maybe there was some other reason for him to say that, or isn't that just kind of odd approach for intelligence to begin with? Like they wouldn't be that foolish, would they? But it was complacency from the Russians part, they had this context set up that would kind of work as a cover story, but regardless it wasn't a very smart thing to do. Whatever their approach is, the fact to the matters is, that there's a person I think is probably related to the Russian security services, who I think has tried to intimidate me, who is Russian speaking and ethnically Russian, and who literally told me they're going to kill me. Whatever explanation you're trying to cook up for this, well.. it would be kind of strange that this had nothing to do with the Russians, yet at the same time, this event took place.

There were some other threats but it was more like a psychological game, in which the Russians tried to balance the threat so that, it wasn't exactly clear if they really wanted to threaten me, or was it more like they just wanted to make a subtle enough threat that I could interpret it that way, but when I would try and explain it to someone else, they might be like.. well maybe that wasn't an actual threat, like maybe it was just a coincidence? And so, I didn't think it was with intent, it was more intimidation, without truly meaning the threat aspect.

Contacting the authorities Anyway this whole problem developed several years and there are all kinds of things that happened, which of most I'm just skipping, but basically I contacted the police and the counter-intelligence for the first time in February 2020. So that's already over a year ago, but considering how early this issue actually started, it's quite late.

This is mostly because I didn't want to contact the police. I figured that if I'm dealing with the Russians, my problems might just get worse if I start to make a really big fuss out of it. Additionally I wanted to create an incentive for the Russians to leave me alone, and sort of allow this thing to de-escalate. However, that wasn't what the Russians wanted, and so the things eventually escalated anyway. And I went to contact the police, regardless of thinking that rationally, it's probably not the correct decision.

However, when I went into the police station, the Russians had arranged for a couple of people to wait outside the office and subtly try and discourage me from making my report. Well, I ignored them. The police officer was dismissive and their attitude was that I should probably just leave, until I mentioned that well there was also this literal death threat, which kind of impelled them to have to try and take it more seriously. But anyway, they just gave me like an email address, and I figured that if the police can't handle this case, I mean they clearly had zero structure or policy in place, which would allow them to be capable of dealing with something like Russian intelligence. So I basically just gave up on trying to deal with the regular police. Although I did call the police later, and explained generally what was going on, but they said they can't do anything, because of the nature of the case. Like there's too many people involved, the part played by each individual is too small, they can't really investigate a single person, and they don't know where to start. I mean they just couldn't do anything.

However, I also contacted the counter-intelligence. And well, my first impression was that the Finnish counter-intelligence is pretty amateurish and hasn't even taken into consideration really basic stuff, like how do you actually submit information about a case like this, and they hadn't made it possible, to give information, in a way that was secure. Like basically they said that okay tell us about your case and send us an email. So, like isn't there a small chance there would be a motivation for revenge, from the Russians, if I just start emailing details about their activities to the counter-intelligence?

Also how do I even know that the emails reach their destination? And that the contents are correct? I mean I've had some cyber harassment in the process, which involved my computer being clearly hacked. It seems like this could be an issue.

But anyway, they didn't have a solution for that, and didn't even seem to understand this is a problem. So I guess our Finnish civilian counter-intelligence, just kind of sucks, unfortunately.

But regardless of me being severely disappointed in our society, and in our authorities, I did eventually supply them with some details about the case, and they told me I should supply them more details, which I've considered doing, and for various reasons have sent some emails and such.

[perspective-series]

Kingdom Perspective (5)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Fear, panic, kidnapping, keeping/treating people like pets, threats, and unwanted touching/grabbing

First Chapter || Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

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 Roman took his hand back with a grin. “Great! Now, we need to prepare for the dinner tonight. Which means we need to get you some nicer clothes.” He hummed for a moment as he walked over to the lower drawer of his dresser. He kneeled down and opened it, revealing to him an abundance of human clothing he had issued for over the months.

 Ever since Logan had gotten his human and he had been begging for one of his own, he had asked the tailors to make him some human-sized clothes as well. Just to be prepared for when he did get his own. And now he could finally use them! 

 “Virgil, what’s your favorite color?” He asked as he shifted through all the outfits.

Virgil was surprised he was even asked. “Black.” 

 Roman rolled his eyes. He should have expected that answer, seeing what he had already been wearing when they met. He looked Virgil over and shifted through the clothes. He was trying to look for something mostly black but with just a splash of color. He didn’t want his human to be entirely dreary. 

 Roman grinned when he came upon a black button-up jacket, black slacks, and a dark purple undershirt. Perfect. He grabbed a tiny pair of black dress shoes as well and stood up, closing the drawer with his foot. He walked back over to the desk, setting the clothes down on the table for Virgil to look at and take. “Here we go!”

“Where did you get those?” Virgil frowned, noticing the ensemble seemed much more human than the medieval world around them.

 “Well, sometimes our tailors make the clothes, other times we get them from your world. These ones happen to be from your world.” He had a nice mixed collection in his drawer. “Do you like it?”

“Wait, you stole these?” Virgil climbed out of the cage to come over and inspect the garments.

 Roman furrowed his eyebrows at Virgil’s accusation. “Well…” He supposed a human would see it like that. “We didn’t take them from any humans. Our sorcerer takes them from some shops he’s found in the human world.” That’s what he had heard, anyway. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“I’m gonna worry about it anyway.” Virgil raised the shirt, looking at it in slight disgust. “That’s still wrong. And humans own those shops, so really you are taking from humans.”

 Roman pouted. “Well, blame Logan for that then! He was the one who said his human preferred to wear clothes from the human world.” 

“It seems I should blame Logan for a lot of things.” Virgil muttered, liking Roman’s brother less and less. Of course, it was a fair observation clothing-wise. Virgil had hardly been wearing these giant-made clothes a day and it was driving him crazy.

 “Yes.” Roman agreed, wanting as much blame to stay away from him as possible. “Now, go ahead and get dressed. I’ll be right back.” Roman grabbed some clothes from his dresser and headed into his adjacent changing room.

Virgil was quick to change into the clothes, not wanting Roman to come back while he was in the middle of dressing. It was admittedly nice to be back in ‘real’ clothes, even if they weren’t his. Of course, it was clear to anyone that these clothes were not his own. The pants were alright but the shirt sleeves billowed past his wrists. The jacket had the opposite problem where his arms barely fit and the buttons wouldn’t close. Huffing about looking like an idiot, Virgil discarded the jacket entirely and stubbornly put his hoodie back on.

 Roman came back out, dressed in some formal casual clothes. A black pair of pants with a white top and red jacket. He walked over to Virgil but frowned when he saw the jacket discarded off to the side and Virgil wearing his hoodie. He sighed. “Virgil, that isn’t going to work.”

“Well, the stupid jacket doesn’t fit anyway.” Virgil gave it a kick for good measure.

 “It didn’t?” Roman picked up the jacket and looked it over. “Hmm, well, we’ll have to get it tailored later on then. I might have another jacket that’s more your size though.” Roman went back over to the drawer and looked through it once more after putting the other jacket back. He came across a similar looking jacket, also from the human world, though this one was a light grey and had no buttons. Roman stood and brought it to Virgil. “I know it’s not black, but this one might actually fit you.” He held it out to him.

“That’s not gonna fit me.” Virgil argued, knowing just from looking at it that it would be as ill-fitting as the dress shirt.

 Roman frowned. “Just try it on. You can’t wear that hoodie tonight.” If Virgil showed up in that, he’s not actually sure what his father would say. But it wouldn’t be good. He set the jacket down in front of Virgil.

“Well why not?” Virgil stubbornly didn’t acknowledge the jacket before him, instead keeping his gaze on Roman. 

 “This is a formal event. And that hoodie doesn’t exactly scream formal.” Roman explained, lifting an eyebrow.

“This is about as formal as I get.” Virgil informed him. Indeed, it was rare Virgil ever wore a pair of dress pants this nice. Of course, it was also rare Virgil went to any event that could be considered ‘formal’. “I keep the hoodie.”

 Roman groaned but what could he do about it? He didn’t want to do something that might make Virgil hate him more. He took the jacket again and looked at it and Virgil. “Fine but at least…” he trailed off as he placed the jacket over Virgil’s shoulders. “There. Does that work?”

Virgil inspected his outfit, trying to gauge what he looked like without a mirror. “Y’know I think that just made it worse.”

 Roman looked him over and winced. “Okay, yeah, no jacket.” He grabbed it off of Virgil. “Fine. I suppose it’s just the hoodie then.” Hopefully his father wouldn’t say anything.

“Guess you’re just gonna have to get used to the fact I’m a fashion icon.” Virgil teased, knowing that his fashion sense was equivalent to a flaming dumpster fire. Virgil just preferred clothes that were comfortable, dark, and kept him covered. If they could make him disappear in social settings that was a bonus.

 “Okay. Clothes are out of the way and we still have a little time before the dinner.” Roman said as he sat down at his desk. “Time to go over what you can expect from the dinner.”

“...great.” Virgil’s tone was sarcastic. He began fidgeting with his sleeve, already anxious as he began to think of the reality of it all. “Let me guess, there’s like a million etiquette rules I need to know?”

 Roman smiled a little. “For me? Yes. But you don’t have to worry about nearly as much.” Roman chuckled slightly before it fell into a sigh. “No, just...you’ll be expected to stay by me the entire time. And you aren’t allowed to speak unless you are spoken to.” Roman started.

“Well it’s not like I’ll know anybody else there.” Virgil pointed out. Or that there would be anywhere for him to go. Virgil could’ve guessed the no speaking rule, but for his own sanity he pretended that was because he wasn’t royalty and not due to the fact he was human. “How...how many people will be there, anyways?”

 “Not...too many.” Roman bit his lip. “It’s a special dinner, so only nobility will be there. My father and brother and his human will be there. And I’m sure there will be several lords and ladies and dukes and whatnot from our kingdom…” Roman trailed off.

 “I’d say about thirty people at the most.” He answered finally.

“Thirty.” Virgil’s voicebox squeaked as he repeated the number, a hand coming up to grip his hair. “Heh, great.” Even the mention of another human being present wasn’t exactly good news. It wasn’t as though Virgil could talk to them anyways, and it would likely just depress Virgil even further to see someone else trapped here. Still, at least he wasn’t the only one, so maybe he’d get slightly less stares?

 “It-It shouldn’t be too bad.” Roman tried to comfort Virgil. “But there is...something else.” Roman rubbed the back of his neck.

“What is it?” Virgil narrowed his eyes, not liking the way Roman hesitated.

 “Okay...so...There’s going to be a part of the dinner where they expect Logan and now me, to show off what our humans can...do.” Roman said lamely. “Which means...you will have to listen to me and do a few, uh, commands like before.” 

“Oh, hell no.” Virgil shook his head.

 “Look, I know but you have to. If you don’t, my father will get angry and trust me, none of us want that.” He shivered just thinking about it.

“Can’t you just say I’m “not trained yet” or something?” Virgil insisted, gritting his teeth even as he said it.

 Roman shook his head. “My father doesn’t understand how all this works, much like I did before I spoke with Logan. You won’t have to do a lot though, definitely not as much as Logan’s human. You’ll probably just have to do the basic commands I already taught you.” 

“That’s a lot of ‘probably’s and ‘maybe’s and uncertainties there, Roman.” Virgil pointed out, feeling his panic rising. What, now not only would he have to deal with good old social anxiety, as well as the natural fear of a room full of giants, but now he was facing performance anxiety as well?! 

“I don’t want to do it, Roman.” Virgil pressed on. “It’s demeaning and stressful and frankly I’d probably freeze up on the spot anyways. You better think of a good excuse for your dad because I’m not doing it.”

 Roman’s eyes widened. “But you said you would behave! We even shook on it! Please, Virgil. I’d rather you not do this either but you have to I-” He was cut off by a knock at the door.

 “Prince Roman? Your presence is required for the dinner.” A servant spoke through the door. Roman groaned.

 “Tell them I am on my way!” He called back out. He heard the servant leave and he looked down at Virgil with slight guilt and pity. “Sorry Virgil but this is happening. It’ll be okay though, I promise.” Roman stood and scooped Virgil into his hands.

Virgil struggled briefly at first, but as soon as he got a glance at the distance to the floor he changed tactics. Virgil gripped onto Roman’s finger, terrified of a fall.

 “Don’t you dare drop me.” Virgil warned, although his threat might have held more weight if he wasn’t white as a sheet.

 “I won’t.” Roman reassured him before heading out towards the dining hall. He walked a bit slower for Virgil’s sake and made it to the dining area with half the guests still standing and chatting. His father came up to greet him.

 “You’re late.” He briefly glanced down at Virgil in Roman’s hands before going back to Roman.

 Roman put on a smile. “Yes, sorry father. Lost track of time.” The king hummed but turned away from him and towards his guests.

 “Everyone! May I present Prince Roman and his human, our reason for celebrating tonight!” A polite clapping echoes across the hall.

Virgil trembled, feeling overwhelmed already. A few dozen giant eyes peered at him across the room, making him feel especially small. He wanted nothing more than to curl further into his hoodie and die. Of course, the eyes were only the first overwhelming thing about this place. The lights were too bright, the smells were too strong, and everyone was so loud that if Virgil wasn’t so afraid of falling he would have dropped Roman’s finger in favor of covering his ears. 

 Roman curled his hand a little tighter in comfort around Virgil as he felt him shake before nodding to the guests and sitting across from Logan-who of course was there, probably had gotten there early too-and to the left of his father. As the guests were taking their seats, Roman turned to Logan. “Hey Logan.” He carefully set Virgil down on the table as he greeted his brother.

Virgil felt the table beneath him trembling as various Giant nobles took their seats. He looked up in front of him to finally put a face to Logan’s name. Virgil shuddered, finding the Giant’s calculating gaze already upon him. 

“Hello Roman.” Logan returned his brother’s greeting, not attempting to hide his curiosity.

Looking back at the table, Virgil’s eyes widened when he saw a tiny- well, not tiny he reminded himself, just normal sized- figure sat near Logan’s hand. It was another human being! And yet, despite all of this craziness, they seemed almost...calm. Was he okay? Almost subconsciously Virgil began to walk towards him, drawn to the only familiar thing in this mess up scenario.

 Patton couldn’t help but openly stare at the other human. It had been so long since he saw someone his size. It almost seemed unreal to him. And then his eyes widened when Virgil started walking.

 Roman’s eyes widened as well and he was quick to put his hand in front of Virgil and scoot him back towards him. He looked around to make sure no one saw anything, thankfully, everyone was still getting settled.

 Patton winced but knew it was for the best that Roman had done that.

Logan raised an eyebrow at the human’s behavior, realizing that this event might be a bigger disaster than he originally thought.

Thankfully Virgil snapped out of his trance the moment he was touched. He wanted to send a glare back at Roman but knew that it would be in his best interest to listen to all those rules Roman had mentioned. 

Despite this, Virgil couldn’t stop gazing across the table at the human curiously, noticing the human was staring right back. Who was he? What was his story? Virgil realized now that he had never even heard his name. Oh jeez, he did still have a name, right?

 Patton smiled a bit and waved at the other human when he noticed he was looking at him again. He looked to be doing alright...well, physically anyway. He looked absolutely terrified though. Patton couldn’t blame him. 

 The king took his seat as everyone settled down to look at him. “Thank you all for coming to this, I’ll admit, bit of a last minute dinner.” Some guests chuckled. “But I can assure you, the food is as good as ever. Now, let us eat!” As if on cue, a wave of servants came out with dishes upon dishes of hot food. Placing it in front of everyone.

 Roman nodded to the servant in thanks but he was distracted by Virgil. Remembering that he had forgotten to tell him he would have to eat off of Roman’s plate. Hopefully he’s figured it out.

 Patton already knew what to do, of course, and came over to sit between the plate and Logan and waited for the giant to push his serving to him.

Logan did so, portioning out the meat and vegetables accordingly so that Patton got enough and it was easily manageable.

Virgil watched this exchange, eyes widening in realization. Oh, hell no. Virgil turned back to Roman, already shaking his head. He’d rather go hungry for the night, and honestly with all the sounds of chatter and eating around him he didn’t think he could stomach much anyways. This whole scenario made him a bit queasy.

 Patton dug into his portion, still watching the other human. He watched as the gears in his head turned and then he turned away from the plate of food. Oh...Patton sighed, remembering the feelings of his first dinner well. Though, at least this human didn’t have to deal with all that grabbing. He shivered at the memories, taking another bite of food.

 Roman was portioning out food for Virgil when he noticed Virgil’s behavior. He bit his lip and snuck a glance at his father, who was thankfully busy eating. He scooted Virgil to sit between him and the plate, like Logan’s human was and then leaned down to whisper to Virgil. “Look, you don’t have to eat anything right now but just, like, pretend or something. Please.”

Every muscle in Virgil’s body was tense from being moved and the new proximity he had to Roman, but it was with no small amount of surprise that Roman’s words registered in his brain. If Virgil didn’t know any better, he’d say Roman was being almost respectful.

“...fine.” Virgil agreed in a hushed tone, reaching out for a small bit of what looked kind of like a carrot. He nibbled on it cautiously, finding it acceptable.

Logan cleared his throat, wanting to keep attention away from Roman for the time being. “So, father, I overheard our neighbors to the East will be meeting next week to discuss the revised alliance.”

 The king nodded, barely looking at his son. “Yes, they are. It should be a relatively simple engagement though.” The king took a drink from his cup before turning to Roman. “So, Roman. How have things been going with your human?”

 Roman’s eyes widened but he quickly put on a smile. “Oh, things have been going splendidly. But of course, what did you expect.” Roman fake chuckled.

 The king raised an eyebrow. “Oh? So you have a few things to show off to all of us today?” The king asked and Roman’s smile became a little more strained. 

 “Absolutely.”

Virgil gave Roman’s arm a subtle smack.

 Roman ignored it as his father nodded at him and turned back to his food. Roman let out a small sigh and leaned down again. “I’m sorry, I panicked!” He whispered. Though, he couldn’t have just said ‘no’ either. 

“And what exactly do you think I’m doing?” Virgil hissed, beginning to panic himself. “Think of something because I’m not gonna be showing anything off.”

 Roman mentally groaned and stuck another forkful of food into his mouth. This could only end badly. 

 They all continued to eat as the chatter drifted from different ends of the table. It wasn’t long before everyone had finished eating and the king cleared his throat. The chatter died down and everyone turned to the king. “Alright everyone, time for our formal dinner tradition. Roman? If you would.”

 Roman gulped and quickly tried to think of something. “Uhh, shouldn’t Logan go first? You know, save the best for last and all that.” Roman chuckled nervously. The king stared at him for a moment before turning to Logan.

 “Alright then. Logan?”

“As you wish.” Logan sighed, pushing back from the table. He walked down the length, past the various overdressed and over eager royals to stand at the opposite end of the table, facing his father. Once there he tapped the tabletop right in front of him.

 Patton stood up and quickly made his way over to Logan. Though the table was very long and it still took him a few minutes despite fast walking. When he made it to Logan, he stopped and looked up at him to await the next thing. He was used to this whole ‘performance’ thing, after having to do it for months.

Logan gave him a small smile, purposefully oblivious to the various looks and comments that the crowd gave Patton. He had never enjoyed this particular ritual, although he was never a fan of any meaningless form of entertainment. 

Of course, now Logan was faced with a difficult choice. He glanced back to where his brother sat. There were a number of simple enough tasks that Patton was able to accomplish that would amaze the stupid onlookers regardless. Therefore, should Logan demonstrate all of Patton’s skills, in order to go above and beyond and allow Roman’s performance to be lackluster? Or, should Logan keep his routine simple and keep the bar relatively low for the new human?

Then again, it seemed every task Logan thought of would be strenuous on the poor human. Logan sighed, knowing he could only do so much to ease the process along. After all, father still wished to be entertained, and Logan didn’t wish for Patton to be harmed either.

“Excellent work.” Logan finally praised, sticking his hand out for a shake.

 Patton waited no time in sticking his own hand out, letting it grab onto one of Logan’s fingers.

Logan shook it gently, then turned Patton back towards the crowd.

“Would you like to say hello?” He asked, turning the command into more of a polite question.

 Honestly, no, Patton didn’t. But he put on a smile anyway. “Hi everyone!” He said, waving. Roman couldn’t help but smile at how cute Logan’s human was.

“Don’t forget your manners.” Logan said, giving him the cue to bow.

 Patton faltered slightly, not believing he had almost forgotten but he kept his smile on and bowed like he had been taught to.

“Aww!” The chorus of obnoxious cooing made Logan aware that this had done its job. Satisfied, Logan put his palm down on the table.

 Patton climbed on, once again with no hesitation.

“Nicely done.” Logan praised softly, holding Patton close to his chest as he walked back to his seat. He sat down, putting Patton back on the table and petting him as a form of praise.

Virgil’s jaw felt as if it would drop to the floor. He was expected to do all that?! He had expected to like, sit down or something and just be a degraded little dog. Did Roman seriously expect him to walk down in front of all those people? What if someone grabbed him! Or pushed the table!

And the other human had done it all so easily. Virgil cringed, watching him get pet like a little prized puppy dog. It was all so...sad.

 Patton smiled up at Logan before turning to look at the other human. Waiting to see what he would do.

 The king nodded at Logan before turning to Roman. “Alright Roman. Your turn.”

 Roman nodded slowly, wondering what on earth he was supposed to do. Welp...this could either work or end horribly. Roman stood up and bowed towards the crowd. “Good evening everyone! I am glad you all could make it. This dinner if incredible special, as you know, I have just received my human yesterday! Having said this, I must admit that he does not know too much yet. But he will in time! I am happy to say though, that he does know a few tricks that we will show to you now.” Roman took a deep breath and looked down at Virgil, smiling sweetly and hoping Virgil would just listen to him.

 “Stand!”

Virgil took a deep breath, feeling all eyes turn to him. He tried to tune them out, focusing on the human across from him and ignoring the way he was still being pet. Man that was weird to watch.

Slowly, on shaky legs, Virgil stood.

 Roman grinned. Okay, this was good. If Virgil kept this up they might make it out of this. He held out his hand for Virgil. “Shake!”

Let’s get this over with. Virgil turned to Roman, quickly touching his palm to Roman’s before he could psyche himself out of this.

 Roman shook his hand gently before letting it go. Okay, they could do this! “And sit!”

Gratefully Virgil collapsed back to the tabletop, breathing a sigh of relief that it didn’t seem like Roman wanted him to do that whole routine like Logan had done.

 “And that’s it everyone! Thank you!” Roman bowed towards the crowd.

 “That was it?” The king spoke up and Roman froze, grin slipping from his face.

 “Well, I uh….” Roman bit his lip. “He is...still learning.”

 “Seems like he should be able to do a bit more than just that.” The king said, looking straight at the human. Roman bit his lip nervously. Well, what did he do now?

Virgil gave Roman a warning look, letting the Giant know his patience was wearing thin.

Thankfully, Logan stepped in. “Father, it’s hardly been a day.” Logan reminded him sternly. “It’s impressive that Roman got the human to do anything other than cower. That’s more than you accomplished. You just don’t understand the meticulous details that come with such a task.”

 The king stared at Logan for a few moments, on the verge of glaring before he huffed. “I suppose that makes sense. But it was still too short. Roman.” The king turned to Roman. “At least make the thing walk into your hand, that’s simple enough, right? Then you can be done.” The king leaned back in his chair, waiting for it to happen.

 Oh...crap.

 “Um, well, you see…” He trailed off, looking down at Virgil.

Virgil glared right back at him, growing nervous in the back of his mind. There was no way Roman could really force him to do it...right?

“This is exactly what I was talking about.” Logan huffed. “That is by no means a simple task, it can take weeks, even months, to gain enough of a bond to accomplish such a feat.”

 The king ignored Logan. “Well?” He asked Roman, raising an eyebrow. Roman gulped.

 “Um, father, I really think Logan is right in this instance-” The king cut him off.

 “You told me that you could handle this, Roman.” Roman faltered.

 “I can! I just-”

 “Then do it.” Roman grit his teeth, looking from his father and then down to Virgil. He let out a sigh and placed his hand down next to the human.

 “Climb on.” His boisterous crowd voice was gone.

Virgil froze, the overly loud room quiet for once as all attention was focused solely on him. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, drowning out everything else. Virgil’s eyes were hyper focused on Roman’s palm. It wasn’t that complicated of a request, really. Just a few steps and it would all be over. Virgil would have behaved, the dinner would be finished, and he could at least escape all these prying eyes.

...so why couldn’t Virgil do it?

Virgil took a few nervous, tiny steps in the opposite direction, beginning to tug on his hoodie sleeves.

“Father, this is ridiculous.” Logan broke the silence, turning to the king.

 The king ignored his eldest son and continued to watch Virgil like a hawk. Roman bit his lip and moved his hand closer to the human, nudging his legs slightly. Come on, Virgil. 

 Patton was watching this whole thing, memories of his own experiences coming back to him and was on the edge of his seat as he continued to watch the other human. He hated seeing the poor kiddo like that and something in him just screamed at him to help. He acted on instinct, not thinking as he ran away from Logan and into the center of the table.

 “Hey everyone! Uh, wow, dinner sure was great today, huh! My portions were a little small though!” Patton giggled nervously, falling back on his old love of telling puns. 

...What was he doing? 

Virgil’s jaw dropped, shocked at the human’s sudden interruption. He was far from the only one. 

“Patton!” Logan gasped, hurriedly grabbing Patton off the table and holding him close to his chest. Though a few dinner guests were amused by Patton’s uncharacteristic outburst, father was not one of them.

 “Logan! What the hell was that!” The king yelled, his attention off of Roman and his human for a moment.

 Roman was frozen in shock, just staring open jaw at Patton in Logan’s hands. The human had never done anything like that before. What the heck had gotten into him?

 Patton cowered in Logan’s hand, staring wide-eyes at the angry king’s face. Maybe that hadn’t been the smartest thing to do...

“I...I’m not sure.” Logan admitted, holding Patton closer and rubbing a finger down his back. He frowned, wondering what Patton had been thinking. Even back when Patton was new he was usually so quiet at events.

Virgil flinched, backing away from the angry king and the rest of the ruckus that seemed to have broken out. Had...had the other human been trying to protect him? 

 “Well, I hope you plan on punishing him for this!” The king yelled at Logan before turning to Roman and rubbing a hand across his face. “Roman, please hurry this along so we may all leave.”

 Roman gulped and looked down at Virgil. He had thought for a moment his father would be distracted enough to not make them do this but looks like they had no such luck. He had no choice at this point, the king was already angry and making him angrier would be very bad. “Climb on.” He told Virgil again. Begging him with his eyes to do so.

 Patton shook uncontrollably at the kings words, everything else deaf on his ears. No, no he couldn’t be punished. Not again! He thought he was done with all of that!

“It’s alright.” Logan murmured, his heart aching as Patton became inconsolable. 

Virgil processed all that had happened. He really, really didn’t want to get into Roman’s hand. But it seemed he didn’t have a choice by now. He could fight it all he wanted, but one way or another he would end up in Roman’s hands anyways to get back to the room. 

Virgil looked up at the terrified human in Logan’s hands, feeling extremely guilty. That human had done that just for him. Virgil loathed the idea of someone else getting punished, but he certainly wasn’t going to let that sacrifice be in vain.

So, with a deep breath, Virgil climbed onto Roman’s palm.

 Roman let out a heavy sigh of relief as he lifted Virgil into the air. “Ta da…” He said weakly towards the guests and his father. His father grunted.

 “Finally.” The king stood up. “The two of you are dismissed. Please deal with your humans accordingly.” Roman bowed and wasted no time in running out of the dining room and towards his own room.

#gt #Giant/tiny #thomas sanders #sanders sides #infinitesimal!sides #au #giants #human!virgil #human!patton #giant!logan #giant!patton #alternate world #platonic #kingdom perspective #part 5

[judgmentofcorruption]

Episode 6–The Sinking Story; Scene 2

Judgment of Corruption, pages 181-189

As the name suggested, the “Misty Mountains” that sat at the border between Asmodean and Lucifenia would, depending on the season, be shrouded in a deep mist. As a result it was not a place that people often went to, for fear of being stranded within.

Gallerian, Tony, and Shiro had made their way to the mountains via an automobile driven by Bruno, however given the fog and the steep road they had to abandon it midway and continue ahead by foot.

“Hey, Gallerian. Is this really the right road?”

At the head of the group, Tony turned around, but the only ones behind him were Bruno and Shiro.

Gallerian was walking so much farther behind as to be lost in the mist.

“Huff…You guys…walk too fast…don’t leave me behind…” he grumbled when he finally caught up to them, out of breath.

“You’re too slow. What’s the guy with the map doing walking all the way in the back? …Geez, no wonder you’re always doing desk work—”

As Tony was getting put out, Gallerian handed over the letter from Ma on which the map was drawn.

“Maybe you should…hold onto it until we get there…”

“I guess so—Hmph, so this does appear to be the correct road…Unfortunately it seems like the fog has gotten considerably thicker. It might be dangerous to keep pressing on recklessly like this.”

“…But…turning back now could also be…”

“This fog doesn’t look like it’ll clear up if we take a rest. So then what to do—Hm, what’s wrong, Shiro?”

Shiro had been quickly tugging on Tony’s sleeve, and now she pointed ahead.

"There is someone…on the other side of the fog."

“What? –Are they an enemy? Do they have any weapons?”

"I can't tell. …Sorry…"

“Right. Well then, Officer Netsuma. I’ll have you do reconnaissance--have you got your gun on you?”

"Y-yes…"

Shiro hurriedly drew the revolver that she had in her side holster.

The moment that she had her favored “Naga E895” in hand—Shiro’s eyes seemed to sharpen.

“—Roger that. Shiro Netsuma, beginning reconnaissance of this uncivilized region.”

She moved forward into the fog at a crouch, wary and yet at a rapid pace.

Gallerian looked on, dumbfounded.

“…Her attitude changed to something more confident so quickly…”

Bruno gave a smirk. "Didn't you know? Shiro's personality changes when she's holding a gun. –Or rather, this may actually be her true self. It’s just that her usual social anxiety is too severe.”

“…Well, I guess if that wasn’t the case she wouldn’t be in the military.”

“I always thought you knew, my lord. Since you made her the leader of PN—”

“Hel is the one who recommended her. At first I wanted to make her into the leader of PN. But she apparently hates being in positions of leadership or being at the top of anything. So I just went with it…”

"On the battlefield and in places of strife at least, there is no one more reliable than Shiro."

“It looks that way—Oh, she’s coming back.”

Reappearing from within the fog, Shiro nodded slightly to Gallerian and company.

“It is not an enemy. The identity of the target is ‘Postman’—an ally.”

Postman appeared shortly after her.

“So, it was you who brought us the letter after all—where is Ma?”

“…”

In response to Gallerian’s question Postman said nothing as usual, but instead they turned around and slowly started to walk in the other direction.

“I guess we’re supposed to come along?”

“Let’s follow. If they get too far away we’ll lose sight of them.”

Gallerian nodded, and pressed on with everyone else tagging along.

.

Eventually the troupe arrived at an old stone ruin.

It seemed as though at some point the fog that blanketed the area had thinned a bit.

In front of an altar that sat in the center of that ruin was Postman and--

Ma, who looked almost as though she hadn't changed from 14 years ago.

"Ma!"

When Gallerian called out to her, Ma smiled in response.

"You came. --It's been a long time, Gallerian."

“What are you doing so deep in the mountains—No, before that!” Gallerian abruptly flew into a rage. "Why did you suddenly leave me fourteen years ago?! You didn’t say a single world—"

"…I had become a little bit tired. Of associating with other people.” Ma said, giving a fleeting glance to Bruno behind Gallerian.

"Is that possibly…because of me?"

“No, that’s not it. It was nothing that you did. …It’s just. I was never all that comfortable being in front of people, and I’m a very fickle woman. So I figured that it might be nice to live in some remote place like a hermit.”

“Have you been living here all this time?”

“I mean, it’s not like I’ve been here for the entire fourteen years. I was in Elphegort’s forest, and a few other places besides. These ‘Misty Mountains’ are where I ultimately ended up. This is a good spot. People seldom come here, and surprisingly enough I don’t want for food either.”

Ma took out a basket filled with edible wild plants and showed it to Gallerian.

Bruno walked up to Ma.

“So then…why did you send a letter to Gallerian? If you stopped interacting with other people, why would you…!?”

“—Don’t make such a scary face, Bruno. Didn’t I just say? I am a very fickle woman…all of a sudden I just wanted to meet her.”

“Her?”

“Michelle. She must be—what, sixteen now? I imagine she’s grown up a bit. She was so cute when she was a baby. I’m sure she’s become a lovely young girl…All that just sort of came to mind, and so I just wanted to see what she looks like.”

“…Aren’t you a complete stranger to her? The young miss would have no memory of you.”

“That’s what’s great about it. That’s precisely why I was wanting to see her all harum-scarum like that. Such is the impetus for my return to associating with people.”

“I don’t understand.” Bruno sighed, shaking his head. “—If what you’re saying now is true, why go out of your way to call us here by letter? You could have just returned to Levianta yourself.”

“Actually, I had a little favor to ask of you,” Ma said, pointing off to the side a little ways away.

She was pointing to a carelessly piled stack of books.

“While I was wandering here and there, I found some rare books and wrote a few new screenplays and such—Before I knew it, I had a ton of luggage. Since you’re already here, I was thinking you could carry these in your car.”

“…Unfortunately, the car is at full capacity. There was already four people on the way over here—we can probably get at least one more person in, but when it comes to Postman and the textbooks—”

“You don’t need to worry about Postman. They said that they’d walk back alone.”

“By ‘said’ do you mean that you can talk with—”

“Ah, pardon. I phrased that a bit poorly. I mean that they wrote to me.”

Tony and Shiro had been standing in wait a behind Gallerian and the others, but they approached the altar now.

“If that’s the situation, then the two of us can get back home through other means. There’s a military garrison down the mountain, right by the Babul Desert. We’ll just borrow a military vehicle.”

Ma’s expression grew faintly suspicious. “Shiro and—who are you?”

“Ah, forgive me. I am Tony Ausdin, major general of the USE allied forces. I’m an old friend of Gallerian’s. I came here because there was something I needed to speak with you about, but…perhaps it best we save that for after we get back to Levianta.”

“Someone of the Ausdin family, huh? My my.”

“We have met once before, but…Well, I suppose you don’t remember. At the time I was just a simple part-time security guard, ha ha ha—Anyway, I’ll be seeing you.”

Tony and Shiro bowed.

Then Bruno turned and started speaking to Gallerian.

“Sir, you should go with the two of them and head back to where the automobile is waiting. I have to stay here to package and carry over these texts.”

“Will you be alright by yourself? I can help if you want.”

“Given your strength levels you’re likely to pass out partway through carrying all of this, hahaha. Don’t worry. I can handle this much. I’m quite used to carting around heavy things.”

Ma added on, “I’m going with Bruno as well. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if he were to damage my precious books, after all.”

“I see…Alright, I’ll wait ahead at the automobile,” Gallerian said, leaving the ruin with Tony and Shiro.

--Postman had disappeared at some point too.

That left only Bruno and Ma.

“Now then…Let’s start packaging these.”

Bruno took out some wrapping cloth that he had on hand and started to neatly pack up the piled books.

Ma spoke to him from behind. “—You don’t need to worry. I have no intention of doing anything with Gallerian at this stage.”

“…I suppose the way that you remained formal while speaking with him just now made your intentions on that clear…That’s how I’d prefer it though, yes.”

“It’s been fourteen years already. I can’t see Gallerian wanting to re-ignite any old flames either.”

“…I would think Gallerian didn’t notice because you were standing in fog, but…how do you plan to explain the fact that your appearance hasn’t changed at all?”

“As for that—Well, I’ll find some way to cover for it.”

“…That’s not reassuring. At any rate…just don’t be anything more to Gallerian than a friend. And…when you two are together, you are not by any means to get him to drink anything. That’s all I want to say to you.”

“—Roger.”

Ma and Bruno, carrying the wrapped up books, descended the mountain and met up with Gallerian who was waiting by the automobile. The three of them then returned to Levianta.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[jessgartner]

2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics. 

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020: 

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all. 

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes. 

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.” 

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented. 

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids. 

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold 

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day. 

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year. 

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me. 

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad: 

Travel down 70% 

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35% 

Gifts and donations up 200% 

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category) 

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens. 

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC. 

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love. 

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village. 

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.” 

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold 

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places. 

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors. 

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard. 

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic. 

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it. 

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will. 

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins. 

I want to shake with joy. 

If you’d like to receive the (shorter) monthly Life Olympics, subscribe here. 

#lifeolympics