#if it's somewhat at the cost of others but it feels necessary. how do you know you're not at fault?

[mainfaggot]

existence is so inherently selfish isn't it...?

#sometimes it feels like a sin to have been born at all. if that makes any sense. -> catholics start cheering and clapping #anyway no . that applies to my personal baggage specifically not to all of humanity. don't worry i am not that insane #but in regard to the selfish thing #i read this quote or excerpt of a philosophical text #that was like: “selfish isn't a negative thing necessarily because nothing can exist without the self” or something. basically that #there are many selves many people and therefore communities #so being selfish is necessary in some capacity #essentially that there needs to be balance between individualist and collectivist values in order to exist peacefully and flourish #i think it's just so confusing to navigate that. where is the fucking line. where is the balance. how do you achieve it? #how do you absolve yourself of the guilt? #if you're doing something for you how do you feel like you aren't evil? #if it's somewhat at the cost of others but it feels necessary. how do you know you're not at fault? #and how do you not feel guilty for coexisting and accepting love and care? how do you not feel like you're taking more than you can return? #how do you feel deserving? #sorry im just. i have a lot of questions and a lot of internal agony lol #z.post

[coldfanbou]

It Started as a Rental

So to explain this piece, me and @i-am-lifeform24 were both struggling and decided to challenge each other with a concept decided by the other person.

Length 2.9K

Hanni X Mreader

Waiting outside the cafe, you look around, waiting for your date to arrive. You flick through your phone, looking through her profile again. “Hey? Is this you?” You look down at the petite woman in front of you, her long, straight hair swinging as she comes to a stop. It was your girlfriend for the night, Hanni. She held her phone up to you, showing your profile. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Let’s head inside,” You say, opening the door to the cafe and letting her in first. As you order and sit down, you think about your situation. It was a bit pathetic having to rent a girlfriend, but you thought it necessary. Your sister’s wedding was coming up, and you didn’t want to be the only one without a partner; you had bluffed your way into making your family believe you were dating. You just need to find the right woman to bring with you, and Hanni was the first profile you liked after a friend told you about the website for renting girlfriends.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you say nervously, trying to start a conversation. 

“Let’s get down to business before this date really begins,” she says politely, with a hint of amusement. Getting this part out of the way first is a lot easier. So, you hired me for five days, one of them being a wedding. I hope you're prepared to play the role of a loving boyfriend." She ruffles through her purse as she looks for something. “You saw my rate on the website; there is just the matter of extras that I personally provide.”

You give her a quizzical look, “Extras? What do you mean extras?”

“Well, most guys want to have sex, and that costs extra. The website might say sex isn’t allowed, but I’m willing to make some…under the table deals. There are limits to what I’m willing to do, and each thing will raise the price, so I just need you to fill this out so I can name a price.” Hanni hands you the piece of paper with kinks listed on one side and prices on the other. 

“Uhm, I’m not interested in this. I just need you for the wedding and these few days to get to know you.”

“Oh, well, that's alright then. I’ll just bring this along with me if you change your mind,” Hanni says, somewhat surprised. She grabs the paper and places it back in her bag. Let’s have fun these next few days.” Hanni puts her bag down and gives you a gentle smile as your drinks arrive. The next few days, you and her go out to different places, and you learn more about her. After your initial worry melts away, you begin to feel close to her.

The day before the wedding, you meet with Hanni again. As you walk by your cafe meeting spot, you find her munching on a piece of bread. She excitedly waves at you, “Right here!” She yells with a mouthful of bread. You take a seat beside her, feeling a little shy as you feel her kiss your cheek. “Did you sleep well?” 

You give her a nod, “Yeah, I slept well. Thanks for asking, did you?” 

“Mhmm! I dreamt of you last night.” She says with a giggle. 

“The wedding is tomorrow. Are you ready?”

“Ready as can be,” Hanni says, taking a sip of her coffee before returning to her bread. “I have my dress picked out and everything. She grabs your hands suddenly; you can feel the crumbs on her fingers as she intertwines your hands. “I’m really nervous about meeting your family. Do you think they’ll like me?”

“I’m sure they’ll love you, Hanni. Come on, we have a busy day ahead of us.” You say as you stand up, taking Hanni by the hand as you walk out of the cafe. Spending the day looking at clothes for the wedding, you can’t help but think about Hanni’s beauty and just how cute she was. Hanni lifted a dress off one of the racks, placing it in front of herself and imagining how she looked in it. 

“Do you think this is okay?” The dress she chose was a simple black one; it had oval gaps along the chest as a distinguishing feature. It wouldn’t attract any attention at the wedding otherwise. “I think I’m going to try it on,” Hanni says before scurrying to the closest changing room. She comes out a few minutes later wearing her chosen dress. You looked her up and down; she looked cute. If she had a different shirt under it, it would look better, and you told her so. Hanni pouted before looking around the store and finding a shirt she thought would look better. It had some slight frills that she liked, and as she came back out of the dressing room, you thought she was right. Her outfit was nearly perfect. “How about now?”

“You look great,” you gulp, “Really pretty.” You bring a smile to Hanni's face. She jumps toward you, wrapping her arms around you. You slowly wrap your arms around her, enjoying the hug until you feel her arms tap your side. You let her go, and she changes back to her regular clothes before you begin to search for your clothes. You’re forced to change into several outfits as Hanni hands you several different pieces of clothing, unsatisfied with each one. “Hanni! We’ve gone through so many clothes. Is there nothing that looks good?” You complain.

She brings you another outfit and kisses your cheek as she hands it to you. “I’m sure this is the one.” Her soft smile is enough to convince you, and you head back into the dressing room. As you come back out, Hanni claps her hands, her teeth shining, and she smiles. “That’s the one!” Hanni walks around you, looking it over one more time as she compliments it. As you head to the register, you pay for both sets of clothes. “I can pay for the dress and shirt.”

“No, I got it. Let me take care of it.”

Hanni looks at her feet for a second, and a small sniffle escapes her before she meets your eyes. “Thank you.” After you leave the building, Hanni spins around on her heel, beaming a smile to you.“We have everything now.”

“Yeah, I can pick you up tomorrow for the wedding.”

“No, no. I’ll meet you at your place. Just give me the address. I’ll be there early in the morning.” 

You nod your head. “Alright, that sounds good.” After you give her directions, you and Hanni part ways for the day. 

As you walk away, Hanni grabs your arm, turns you around, and presses her lips onto yours, having to stand on her tippy toes to do so. “There, now we can say bye. Get home safely.” She says with some concern in her voice.

“You get home safely, too.” 

Early the next morning, you wake up after hearing a knock on your door. Hanni is waiting in her wedding outfit. You blink a few times and rub your eyes as you stare at her. She had added a pair of thigh-high socks with a small bow design around her knees and a bow around her head. She gives you a simple smile. “Wake up, sleepy head.” She says cheerily. Today’s the big day, and we need to get you ready. I’ll make you breakfast while you get yourself dressed, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks, Hanni.” You say before kissing the top of her forehead. 

She playfully pushes you away, her small hands cupping your cheeks. “Stop!” She yells, a smile on her face. “You’re going to ruin my makeup. Go change already, mister.” She watches you walk into your room, looking over her shoulder to make sure you didn’t sneak up on her. When you come back out a few minutes later, Hanni is sitting by the counter with an omelet. “You…didn’t have very much in your fridge.” She says weakly.

“Today is when I normally go for the groceries,” You reply. 

Hanni pats the seat next to her, “Sit. Let me feed you.” You follow along, sitting next to her as she stabs into the eggs and brings some to your lips. “Say Ahhh.” You open your mouth and take in the freshly cooked eggs. Hanni giggles as she watches you chew. “How is it? Good?”

“Yeah, it’s good. Thanks, Hanni, you’re a pretty good cook.”

“You have to be when you like food,” she says with a chuckle. Now, eat up; we have to get there early.” Hanni takes the time to wipe your face. “You look very handsome in this,” she says as her eyes meet yours.

“You look beautiful too. I really like the bows; they’re cute on you.” You pinch Hanni’s cheek; it’s squishy. You finish breakfast before heading to the chapel, where you introduce Hanni to your family. She greets them well, making a good first impression. 

“I think they like me.” She says as she sits next to you on the bench. 

“Why wouldn’t they like you? You’re so cute and cuddly.”

“Don’t embarrass me!” Hanni slaps your hand away as you try to pinch her cheeks. She gives you a cute pout, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to look angry. A few seconds later, she breaks, smiling and laughing, and she links her arm around yours. “I hope this part isn’t too long. I get antsy if I sit for too long.” Lucky for the two of you, it was a short ceremony, and you were soon off to the party.

You felt happy with Hanni by your side as you made your way to your seat. She attracted some attention as people asked how she ended up with you. It hurt your pride that they would ask that in front of you, but Hanni’s response made you feel warm and fuzzy inside. “Why wouldn’t I be? He’s kind and makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special when we’re together. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.” She’d say those words while she held your hand, sometimes holding your arm tightly. As you sat down with her, Hanni scooted her chair closer. “Some of your family can be very mean. Do we have to stay here for a long time? I’d rather just spend my time with you.” 

“Just a little while. They’re going to want to do a few dances.” Hanni nods her head, staying by you the entire party. When it was time for the couple dances, Hanni gripped you tightly; your hand and shoulder felt like they were going to be crushed. “A little looser would be great, Hanni.”

“Oh, sorry,” Hanni says as she loosens her grip. You stare into her eyes, knowing she’ll be gone after this. You can’t help but get a little teary-eyed as you look at her. Hanni tilts her head, giving you a confused look. “Don’t cry. There’s no way it hurt that much.” She says, wiping away your tears with one of her hands. “There, all better.” She places her head on your chest as the dance continues. Once it was over, you and Hanni took your leave, wishing everyone well before making your way home. “That was fun, wasn’t it?” She says as she kicks her shoes off. 

You take a seat on the couch, taking a deep breath before looking over at Hanni. She strolls over to you, her hair swaying as she comes to a stop in front of you. She places a hand over your chest and straddles you. You’re caught off guard by her actions. “Hanni?”

“Just this once, I won’t charge you,” You’re confused by her words, but your train of thought goes off the tracks when you feel her press her lips against yours. Her hands move down your biceps to your forearms before she places your hands on her waist. Her hands shift to your shoulders, holding onto them as you feel her grind against you.  

You hold your lips against Hanni’s, your hands digging into her. When you finally break apart, you stare at each other in silence. Hanni undoes the buttons on her dress and lifts it over her shoulders, leaving her in her shirt. You kiss her neck softly as she begins to lift her shirt; your hands snake under it, and you squeeze her modest chest through her bra as she throws it off. Your eyes move up and down her body, taking in her perfectly smooth skin and the clothes she was left in. All that remained were her bra, panties, and her thigh highs. You run your fingers along her spine, moving up toward her bra. You can feel her shiver. Unlatching her bra, you drop it to the floor. You lean in and kiss Hanni’s chest, leaving a trail of kisses as you move upward. She cranes her neck back, cooing. “Take your clothes off, too.” She whines. 

You stop for her, throwing your blazer and shirt off with haste. Hanni helps you with your pants, having to stand up to pull them off you. Now clad in only your underwear, you stare into Hanni’s eyes again. You both knew what you wanted. You leaned down and picked Hanni up. Carrying her to the bedroom, she wrapped her arms and legs around you, clinging to you as you kissed her neck again. 

You dropped Hanni onto your bed, on top of her, before you stripped her of her underwear. She was shaved. As your eyes wander upward, you notice her breathing heavily. You take the time to get rid of the last piece of clothing keeping you from one another. Crawling back over her, you press your lips against hers, your hands running up and down her thighs. You felt her thigh highs; the thin fabric was smooth to the touch, allowing your hands to continue gliding over her. Hanni spreads her legs slowly, and you take notice. You glance down and reach for her slit. Hanni trembles as she feels your fingers run along it. A gentle moan escapes her lips as you tease her.  Hanni holds onto the bedsheets as her mind becomes filled with the pleasure you’re giving her. 

Your fingers were becoming slick as you teased Hanni, your cock began to ache as you watched the petite woman enjoy herself. Your cock tapped against her belly. Hanni looked down and reached for it, her small hand struggling to wrap around it. You groan as her palm rubs against the head. “Don’t tease me anymore,” Hanni moans. She stretches her legs outward and pulls apart her lips. You take a step back, taking in every detail. “Please…fuck me.”  

You gulp and nod your head slowly. Aligning yourself with Hanni’s cunt you push the head in slowly, watching her reaction. Hanni cranes her neck, her eyes closed as she grips the sheets and lets out a deep groan. You hold onto Hanni’s waist, shuddering as you feel her walls squeezing your cock from all sides. You push more inside of Hanni, feeling her walls split apart as you move deeper into her. You moan her name, feeling her walls tighten around you as you do. 

Hanni grabs your wrists, gripping them tightly. “Keep going; I feel so full.” You thrust the rest of your cock inside. Both of you moan loudly, filling the room with the sound. Hanni wraps her legs around your waist; you can feel her feet trying to push you further inside.  You remain buried inside Hanni for a moment, allowing you both to catch your breath. You thrust slowly at first before picking up some speed. Hanni’s warm and wet walls rub the head of your cock as you push in, granting you great pleasure. Her moans are like music to your ears, but you can’t resist her lovely lips. You steal a kiss from her, muffling her beautiful moans. Her arms wrap around your head, keeping you connected to her. 

The rhythm of your thrusts breaks down as you go on; you can feel yourself nearing your climax. Hanni’s walls began to squeeze you tighter as well. You met her eyes and saw she was reaching her limit. “Hanni, I’m going to cum.”

“Me too,” She whimpers; her hands wrap around you tightly, and she pushes you in deeper with her legs. “It’s okay if you cum inside,” She whispers into your ear.

You give her a few more thrusts before cumming inside of her cunt. Hanni’s wall clamps down on your cock as you trigger her climax. You paint her walls white as her cunt greedily takes it all. 

Pulling out slowly, you stare at Hanni’s body. She had a thin layer of sweat over her. You fall beside her, staring at her. She turns onto her side, staring back at you. A soft smile forms on her face. “I’d love it if we could meet again.” She says with a hint of shyness in her voice. There’s a moment of silence between the two of you, “I…um, had a really good time with you these past few days. You weren’t like the others.” Hanni pauses again, “I meant what I said at the wedding. You’re really a good guy, and…” Hanni struggles to find the words. “Do…you want to meet again? I mean…without the website.”

You caress Hanni’s cheek, your thumb moving across it gently. She places her hand over the top of yours. “I’d love to go on another date.” Hanni gives you a sincere smile and moves closer to you, burying her head in your chest as you both drift off to sleep.

#kpop smut #male reader #m reader #hanni smut #newjeans smut

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.60)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Life changes come in many many forms; courting gifts, leaving jobs, and...Murder

Tags: Slow burn getting warmer, Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, Trans! Tae, Transphobia, gender thoughts, workplace discrimination, flashbacks, murder, the word 'r*pe' is used to describe what Geumjae did to her but there are no graphic depictions of it, allusions to physical abuse, graphic violence, there is a brief moment where someone not in the pack touches the m/c's ass without her consent, blood, briefly implied suicidal actions- but it's nothing like what you haven't seen before.

W/c: 12.6k

A/n: i'll be attending my cousin's wedding at the time this is posted so! give me lots of love when you read it cuz i'm so nervous~ i've never been around so many fancy people before <3

Previous part ~ Masterlist

You dab at the skin under your eyes carefully. You know they must look red and puffy. Tae’s careful instruction to treat your skin well as all good baby pups should has somehow stuck.

Even here. Even now.

“Do people like always loose it with you? Like when they walk in, do they all cry?”

Your therapist (yes, your therapist) across the narrow room is the opposite of threatening; soft face, pulled back hair, neutral clothing that might just as well be out of a country living catalog.

You don’t know where Jin found her, what little medical booklet he perused like a take-out menu, or how much her services cost per hour. Those kinds of details were not for delicate little pups like yourself to worry over in his opinion.

Most of the time, you're glad not to have to worry about things like this. But right now you're chomping at the bit. Weighting your odds. The other unknowns hover before you. One sticks out. One you're most concerned about.

Is she trustworthy?

Nothing about Dr. Rima seems outwardly threatening, yet you curl in on yourself. She smiles, scrawling something on the top of her notepad before she answers, and something taught in you ticks tighter.

“You’re correct in assuming that most people I meet cry in the first few minutes when they meet me, but you are the first person to cry on my threshold. Most of the time people wait until they’re at least in the chair.”

That has a smile tugging at your lips, albeit unwillingly. Your smile is like a leashed wild animal, with too many teeth when you feel threatened. Contained for now.

If you got up and walked out right now, would she call someone to restrain you? Will you be committed if you tell the truth? Or are you just misinterpreting the stakes?

You are here of your own volition. Even if it was a condition that Jin and Namjoon weren't willing to budge on after the events of last week. It's not like the pack is having you put in a mental institution or something, although they did come with you today. For moral support.

The waiting room was stuffy and yellow, one of those little waterfall mirrors in the corner that you’d watched in a fog sat between Yoongi and Jimin while Jin filled out the necessary paperwork. His pen hovering over the small boxes every few seconds. He'd taken the afternoon off of work to make sure he was there, just to fill out paperwork.

Are you on any medications? Do you have a history with substance abuse disorders? Do you have any intent to harm yourself or others?

Sending glares to anyone who dared to come too close, Jimin had looked and smelled threatening. You're not sure he’d have let you go into an isolated location with her if she’d been an alpha. Jin too had looked close to snapping.

yoongi was the only one who looked somewhat calm, althoug his hand was tightly laced with yours (and a little sweaty)

It’s a wonder that the rest of your pack had agreed to stay home for this. This was just one of several concessions you’d made after what the pack has politely begun referring to as 'sad pup time' during your more vulnerable moments, and blatantly 'your breakdown' during less fragile ones.

But sweet words or not. The facts remain; You are here in this chair after a nearly tearful departure.

You’d met the therapist in the doorway, shaking in your boots, and upon being separated from your pack with the promise that they’d be just downstairs in the lobby, you’d followed her inside.

Yoongi had made a noise in his throat, making you turn back. Dr.Rima turned to watch as he’d pulled you in for a last-minute hug, ducking down to your level. “One hour, okay? We’ll be just downstairs. Text me if you need me.”

His eyes were heavy-looking at the stranger. Unwilling to let you go just yet. A little stalwart, a little standoffish.

“Take good care of her please. She’s very precious to us.”

Precious.

That much was evident by the nearly three-page document that both your pack alpha and omega sent through once Namjoon and Jin had selected Dr. Rima as your therapist. Dr. Rima has quite a bit of experience dealing with overprotective pack alphas and pack omegas. Let alone a pack alpha and pack omega who have such a clinical background.

Yes, you must be well taken care of. At least on paper.

She’s already itching a little, to get her hands on all the others. Packmates and their names are written out, as a part of all intake files. Large packs aren't so common anymore. Her eyes fix on one name; Min Yoongi (beta, mate) unemployed.

The big windows help it feel not so small, on the second floor, the trees block out most of the view of the park below. A small voice that sounds like Hobi whispers that it’s a shame she doesn’t have any plants in here, they'd do so well with all of this natural light.

Your knees clack together a little, moving listlessly, the anxiety in your body begging to be released somewhere.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Why don’t we start with why you wanted to come in today.”

You avoid her eye contact, looking instead at the tops of the trees, you don’t know why they haven’t changed color yet, all of the trees on your street are half bare already. She has a smooth inoffensive scent, but you’re mated to a beta so you know what to expect when it comes to the relaxing effects, the subtle haze at the edge of your vision. It must come in handy, having the biological upper hand, when it comes to patients in distress.

If therapists are rare, beta therapists must be even rarer.

You can practically hear Jin, “Nothing but the best for my pup.” There is a part of your brain that won’t ever turn off, appraising everything around you. The designer pumps that she wears. The knickknacks on her desks, there are no photos of any packs that she might call her own, just a pink calendar in the corner.

Your breath goes just a little bit rapid, just a little, hitching when you think of it.

“Did Jin tell you anything?”

“He didn’t. Although my secretary did inform me that he filled out the paperwork for you.” The air in the therapist’s office is cold. Cold enough that it has you wrapping your sweater sleeves over your knuckles.

Your cheeks heat “My pack they- get a bit- protective.” Your fingers circle your wrist. You’re glad that Hobi convinced you to take one of his sweatshirts. He'd had a strange look on his face while he zipped it up, and you'd had to worry and wonder about it the whole morning. You'd worried more once he texted, just after he must have gotten to work.

“I have kind of a history of self-destructive behavior and I- I kind fell into bad habits a few days ago and blew up. It was all kind of triggered by this like- thing that happened with me and my other packmate.” It’s surprisingly easy to tell the truth.

You’re a right side better than you have been the last few weeks, now. A little bit more present, less foggy. The doctor just looks at her screen and not at you. What is it with her asking questions that make you not want to lie? Why does it feel like you should anyway?

Dr. Rima reads between the lines, what you're trying to say without saying it. “Is there a possibility of you hurting yourself again?” She clicks at the screen a little rapidly.

“No.”

The truth is you have no idea. It seems best to lie in this situation. But you consider it; one of your packmates making the call that you are too much to handle, that you need more help than they can offer. You imagine what it would be like to be in inpatient care. Grippy socks and group therapy and probably observed mealtimes. Maybe Iv's and feeding tubes if it came to that. Away from the pack and away from Yoongi.

He’s just downstairs, but that feels too far. There was no way that he was going to let you do this alone, you wouldn't be surprised if he never left the waiting room.

It’s just a therapy session. The very thing that you once refused. But now that you're here you might as well heal, you might as well work to stop this endless train of brief highs and endless lows. you'll give it a go, why not? What do you have to lose?

And yet, the texts from Hobi remain unanswered:

Ho-🐝 (9:48): Hey, I’m really proud of you.

Ho-🐝 (9:48): I’m really happy I get to be your packmate. In case you ever worry.

Ho-🐝 (9:49): And your best friend too &lt;3

Ho-🐝 (9:51): Just so you knowwww

The pack has kept you substantially plied with little solutions since your breakdown last week. They haven’t let you rot like usual. They’ve kept your days full of little activities; nothing too extravagant or tiring. Letting you rest when you need to and encouraging you to get outside of your comfort zone when it’s clear you’re giving in.

It comes down to that more often than not; giving in or not giving in.

Not giving in looks like trips back to the beach with Hobi. Like going to the salon with Tae and shopping with Jimin. Or another workout class with Jungkook where you’d spent more of the time lounging on the yoga mat than actually moving your body. But you'd still tenuously agreed to sign up for more classes under the encouragement of Wonho and Jungkook.

And now twice a week, you’ve got a mat to call your own during any classes, in the back, if you decide you want it. Your callender hasn't felt so full in years, it feels strange, to have something to do during the weeks that isn't just scraping the bottom of the barrel and doing house chores. Strange in a good way.

Not all of the pack's solutions aren’t silly but sometimes, silly is a good way to push out the dark.

The morning after your breakdown; you'd watched your pack work, fighting back a flush. Sitting at the kitchen bar stool while Yoongi applied painter’s tape to the floor, not intent on keeping back paint this time, but marking it off for you.

You’re a little bit more determined this morning although your first night without nightmares in a little over a month had kept you in higher spirits. You feel more well-rested than you have in ages.

“You don’t need to- I promise- I’m not going-“ but your requests had fallen on deaf ears. Worry building until Jungkook stood up fast grinning up at you, pupils wide brown pools from getting scented stupid this morning.

(Scented stupid, you'd been scented by the pack too, had struggled a little against it, too shy as Namjoon dragged his throat along yours, squirming until yoongi held you down a little, checking with you each few seconds that you wanted that, that your squirming was really just needing to feel a firm touch, a dominant one.

You will go nowhere until your pack have had their right to you, scenting you up, making your scent gland tender and swollen under their teeths and tongues.

It felt so much better to be made to handle it, each of the pack, even hobi, hovering over you to scent you with their wrists and throats. until you smelled so claimed by them that you couldn't breathe without smelling it- Pack.

Jungkook had pouted until he'd gotten the same treatment, although the omegaspace haze had lasted longer on him than it had on you.

He stands up so fast that his hair fluffs. Catching himself on your leg with a giggle before he topples over. grinning up at you before pressing a sleepy sloppy kiss to your knee and then another to your lips,

“No pup zone!" Omega Space Jungkook can get a little bit ridiculous even at the best of times. He's got a case of the morning omegaspace zoomies as he giggles and nips at your nose. You playfully push at his chest. He doesn't budge.

"Your whole face is a no-pup zone." The dissatisfied pur-chirp he'd let out had sounded half hurt, half encouraged.

Namjoon had eased your discomfort. Pulling you from the stool to lean back against his chest, fingers drumming out a rhythm on your legs as Jungkook huffes into your throat.

Having this failsafe- this rule, does not mean that they think you’re going to fail, these are guard rails to keep you on track. Namjoon looks down at you, his full bottom lip tucked a little, not a pout but close. “This is the easiest solution, if you don’t go near it then maybe, maybe it helps.”

His fingers drum against your skin again, and you lean back into him. Uneasy but willing to let him soothe you.

So yes, you’ve been banned from the kitchen, banned from crossing that line that runs from the edge of the coffee stand and just in front of Tae's library room, to the island and over to the fridge. Unless there is someone else close by. You are not allowed here without supervision.

It’s a simple solution, limiting you from the place that you use to hurt yourself. Never mind the fact that there are dozens if not hundreds of other possible avenues you could use. Your creativity knows no bounds when it comes to pain, but you quiet that part of yourself when the desire for hurt gets loud.

You can’t say it hasn’t helped. But then again, the pack has kept you so busy since your breakdown that you haven't had any time to think of hurting yourself let alone put any plans into action.

Across from you, Dr. Rima waits expectantly.

"It was kind of triggered by this thing that happened."

The tip of her pen bobs a little as she writes. “Could you describe the event to me? Or is that something you're not ready to talk about?" You nod and she waits patiently. It takes you a breath to answer.

“A little less than a month ago one of my packmates and I found a dead body."

You feel a little vindicated at her inhale of breath. Wide eyes that say yes- that is something traumatic, yes, it's fair that it kinda triggered you into a more fragile state.

"It dredged up a lot of feelings about my past. Before that, I was kind of starting to feel s-safe which I haven't like, ever been able to feel."

“And your packmate?"

There is new treacherous wetness balancing on your waterline. “Hobi’s a lot stronger than me, his past and mine are really similar but he just- handles his better. A lot of the time it feels like I learn from him even though he’d tell you the opposite is true. He’s my best friend." Your voice goes quiet, "I love my mate more than I love anyone else, but sometimes- Hobi just- gets me you know?" You go a little misty-eyed. Hands tightening on Hobi's sweatshirt.

“Yet he’s not the one sitting in my chair right now.”

You close your eyes, "he's not."

“For what it’s worth- you can have more than one best friend.” Dr. Rima writes as quickly as she can, taking it down. “How long have you been romantically involved with him? Who came first, your mate or him?”

You jolt forward, “Oh no- we’re not- Hobi and I aren't-" You take a deep breath to clarify. "Everyone else in the pack is together but Hobi and I are just friends. We all have our like… little units?”

"Primary partners." Dr. Rima offers.

"Yeah, that." But even that doesn't really cover it, because while Jin and Namjoon are JinandNamjoon and Jimin and Tae are JiminandTae. Jungkook is everyone's problem (in the best of ways) and you and Tae are something else too. The pack's girls the rest of them would say.

(You and Hobi are, well, YouandHobi.)

It sounds weird to say it once it comes out of your mouth. It makes an odd choked feeling lodge in your throat. Too much hope and too much shame for hoping blooming in your chest.

“I don’t know if I want to talk about him.”

She folds her hands over her knees, setting her pen down. Dr. Rima has chubby hands, disproportionate to her body. They look like they'd be soft.

She reminds you of your mom a little bit.

“That’s okay, we can talk about whatever you want. What you want and need is going to be the focus of our sessions. You’re the pilot here. I’m just here to help you interpret your thoughts and feelings.”

She folds her hands over themselves, setting her pen aside, “Why don’t we talk about the last time you remember feeling safe.”

"Physically or mentally?"

"Either, you can choose."

The rest of the session passes frightfully quickly. You can’t say that you don’t cry again. When you finally talk about Geumjae, her smile quickly dissipates. You talk and talk and talk until your throat is raw. Until you’ve depleted the whole box of her tissues. She shows you she's got more hidden under her desk when you apologize, her secret stash gets a laugh out of you.

“The fact that your pack omega filled out your paperwork isn’t the most unusual, but his preference for daily meetings or every other day is a little bit on the nose for a pack omega, I’m wondering if you share his preference.”

“He’s just overprotective.” She eyes you like Jin has good reason to be. You don’t blush this time, a little more comfortable with Dr. Rima than you were at the beginning of this. “I think maybe more than once a week but not every day.”

“How does Monday- Friday sound?”

~-~

When you walk to the door with Dr. Rima Yoongi stands abruptly from his chair.

You can tell by the shiny edge to his to his scent that he doesn't want to stay here any longer than necessary. He gets the information about your next appointment and then tugs you out the door.

Jins got his legs crossed, fancy leather shoes glinting in the sunlight by the windows. The lobby is buzzing with people coming and going. This building isn't just a therapy office but a collection of other businesses with a few shops and restaurants on the ground floor as well. He looks up and double-takes when he spots you, not standing from his chair, but he opens his arms and you fold yourself along his side, conscious of the other eyes but this.

This you need.

You press your face along the column of Jin's neck, breathing his cream scent in deep.

“Oh pup.”

Your red-rimmed eyes are too obvious and you sniffle wetly, “It was okay, I like Dr. Rima.” He laces your hands together and resists the urge to pester you with questions. Yoongi's hand is still tangled in the hood of your (Hobi's) sweatshirt. Your therapy sessions should be yours and only yours. Yoongi and Jin do not have Dr. patient confidentiality.

And yet the need to know if that helped burns through them. They won't have to wonder for long.

By the coffee stand, Jimin waves and he returns to you when the barista hands over a bag of sweets and a quad of cups. Jin continues scrawling something out for another second before he’s standing and pulling you in for another chaste scent mark.

“Let’s go home.” It's somewhere between an order and a request. But no one disobeys.

On the drive back (37 minutes total) you're a little quiet. You let the sounds of the others be your buffer. You look down at your phone and stare at Hobi’s texts. You respond with just a little heart emoji when you finally still can’t figure out a good response and you're close to home.

Home is its usual conflagration of moving bits and pieces. Each of your packmates is like a shiny cog in a pretty clock, tick tick tick tocking along. Tae and Namjoon are at the table looking through some of the pack’s bills, the pastries and coffee cups litter the table with little piles of powdered sugar and cinnamon. jimin bought enough for the whole pack.

You look at them a little too long, although not because you don't want to eat them. It’s been a while, a few weeks since you’ve made something like that, but every single one of the pastries is something you know how to make. You don’t know why you keep looking at them.

Tae smiles at you, still in the doorway. and it makes you feel a little less like you want to burst into tears. Her voice speaks of the quiet time you have in the library (the tenderness of having someone else do your makeup, another person combing your hair). You hope you'll get some dedicated one-on-one time with her soon.

"Hey little lovely, How was it?"

"She put me through the wringer but I think she got some suds out."

She and Namjoon giggle and you smile small. and you can tell that Namjoon wants to ask you more but he doesn't after a pointed look from your mate. There are footsteps in the hall and before you can move to take off your shoes Hobi is standing in the archway.

Yoongi efficiently strips you of Hobi's sweatshirt with a frustrated huff. It's Kind of like he’s trying to peel away the sadness (your clothes are soaked with your sour scent, rainy and unhappy. Regardless of Jin’s scent mark, you kind of stink).

You might have overheard their words just before you got into the car. Jin's hissed admonishment. “A lot of people cry during therapy Minnie, she’s not in trouble, can’t you smell it?”

Your scent is mellow underneath the memory of your distress, going sweeter by the second. Yoongi wants all memories of your sad scent banished from the house. Hobi stands at the door to the hallway, shifting back and forth, his eyes a little warmer than usual, hands shaking a little bit.

You’ve caught him looking at you a lot since the night he ran away, in the quiet moments when he thinks you’re not noticing. Eyes a shade warmer than usual, a sweetened franticness to his scent. Nervousness and happiness mix like blueberries and whipped cream.

When he pulls up beside you during movie nights and sits thigh to thigh with you. When his hands intertwine with yours over his knee or sometimes or when he pulls your legs sideways across his lap. He looks at you like that when he's doing the small things and he's looking at you like that right now.

You know how love starts, that it starts with the small things.

Hobi resists the urge to open his arms. would you come to him? Would you fold your body along his front so that he could feel your heartbeat? Pressing again and again to the opposite side of his chest with every thump?

He doesn’t say hey, but he does step a little closer. Fingers reaching out. The pad of his index finger slides down the meat of your pinky till it reaches the ball of your wrist. His own special hello.

Your breath hitches, just barely, almost imperceptible if it wasn’t for how close he stands.

A look behind you says Yoongi hasn’t made himself scarce, instead fussing with the pack's coats. Now that it’s getting colder, they don’t all fit by the door. You look behind Hobi and find Namjoon watching the three of you, he raises a singular eyebrow.

“How was it? Bad?” Hobi asks, breaking the silence and the tension, drawing your attention back to him. The next breath you let out is a lot less heavy, and your eyelashes flutter as he steps closer. Hobi smells good, a little earthy, mellowing out his usual sweetness. Sweet for an alpha.

“It was kind of hard, I kinda wanted to run away for a bit at the beginning." You can't keep meeting his eyes with how intensely he's looking at you and they flutter down to his hands. "I almost did.”

"I'm glad you didn't pup." Jin comments, full of reproach, the mirror to you and Hobi as he leans down to press a kiss to Namjoon's forehead. Shucking off his lapelled jacket and rolling up the sleeves of his button-down shirt.

“If you’d have called me, I’d have picked you up. We could still like- run away, if you're down.”

But the house is starting to heat up, and Jin and Yoongi are starting to cook. The light is still honey-yellow happy. And you tip your cheek into his arm. He finally- finally lets his arms settle around your waist.

“Nah, not yet.” You drag out the syllable all playful, and something forbidden stirs in Hobi’s gut. “Jin’s making my favorite tonight. not until later?”

Hobi goes silent, pulls back, biting his lips, eyes flickering from your eyes down. and-

You laugh and Hobi blushes. “Just spit it out.”

Everyone’s been a little bit touchier with you since that night (a little more overbearing too). You won’t immediately chalk Hobi's touchyness up to what you're all thinking. But the affection makes your scent gland feel tender. Zinging when Yoongi steps up behind you and nuzzles into it, huffing again.

Friends can hug each other after therapy right? Hobi swallows thickly and you feel it against your collar bone as he pulls back and steps away from you. “I ugh- got you a present?”

You brighten up instantly, and Hobi's anxiety increases tenfold. A bit of casual mischievousness on the edge of your lips that always have Hobi feeling like he’s being teased even though he knows he isn’t.

“Oh? A present? You’ve never gotten me a present before!”

He kicks at imaginary dust bunnies, fighting back what he knows is a noticeable flush. “I ugh- still owe you, from the car you know and honestly it's not even like a big gift it's like- so small in comparison and-”

Yoongi huffs and continues to disrobe you. Pulling your sweater over your head when he’s not satisfied that your unhappy scent has dissipated. Muttering something like. “hopeless alpha” under his breath. Your tank top pulls up, inches of your hip and skin on display. It's nothing that Hobi hasn't seen before and yet the blush reignites. The sunshine to your morning glory.

“I guess you're right.” But it doesn’t feel like it. Hobi doesn’t owe you anything for that, not when it was so easy to give. Not when you’ve gotten so many late-night drives from that gift.

Hoseok got the idea for your courting gift, one morning while watching you say goodbye to Namjoon:

The pack alpha has always been a fan of goodbye kisses, good morning, and goodnight kisses too. The particular kiss that morning had ‘I’ll miss you’ written all over it. It was so pretty in the way that you lingered, arms around Namjoon’s neck. His hand is underneath your shirt on the small of your back. Such a small touch and yet so gently possessive that it had Hobi aching to see it.

Hobi is unfortunately prone to jealousy and it turns the back of his neck hot. Makes his hands feel oddly tender. He's distracted by the visual, the task of packing up his work bag forgotten. Hoseok’s shift at the flower shop doesn’t start for another few hours, and he’s waiting, watching, an unhappy voyeur.

You and Namjoon have quite the height difference, if he was in between the two of you he’d be the perfect middle ground. That’s just another stupid thought, another stupid thought in the countless number of stupid thoughts that he’s had. (I like my alphas a little pathetic, and nothing's more pathetic than an alpha pining after an omega.)

He grumbles.

Yoongi prattles on, more awake than all of them as he outlines what you have to do today to make progress on the house- which is to go find a place that sells cheaper tile than the ones you first thought of using in the bathroom on the first floor. And maybe change it up a little.

The bathrooms escaped the renovations somehow, and a few nights ago- Jimin had admitted how much they actually use it even though it’s not the pack's primary bathroom anymore. Now that it’s not in use, they’re more willing to part with it for a few days for some very necessary re-styling. it toes the line from vintage to old a little too hard. The yellow is a little…yellow.

Yoongi wants to go light and airy with the color scheme, like he did with the upstairs bathroom and it's seafoam and brown tones. But like with most of the house, your vote is for colorful. “How about a light blue-” Yoongi continues to argue while you kiss Namjoon a little senseless in the doorway, at least Namjoon seems properly dazed, chasing your lips when you pull apart.

“No- we don’t have a room that’s magenta yet!”

This starts the same argument as always; “We can’t make every room in this house pink for Tae.”

But goodbyes take precedence, and when you turn back and smile at Hobi he flushes, shy to be caught looking. He moves, stepping around you and Namjoon to put his water bottle into his bag when you shout, “Stop, Seokie!”

Seokie is a new nickname, one that Jin only uses in the quietest of moments that you've somehow adopted when you don't want to call him Hobi. Hobi always thought that if you’d use any other nickname with him- you’d use daisy (he might want you and yoongi to share that pet name). But he’s a good pup and stops what he’s doing. Every atom in his body every electron no longer circulates neutrons but circulates you instead. Pulled in by your gravity.

You’ve moved so suddenly that you’ve spilled a bit of your coffee onto the floor. Maybe kissing Namjoon has left you feeling a little dizzy too. Yoongi just sighs fondly and wipes it up. Jimin looks up from his phone, smiling when he sees.

“You’ve got a rainbow on your cheek.”

It’s a trick of the light, early morning sunshine refracted through the mottled window just right to cast a single rainbow on the wall and on Hobi when he steps in front of it.

You cup his cheek, finger skimming across where the rainbow sits.

"Pretty."

Hobi feels hot all over.

At Tae’s call of, “If I have to do my eyeliner one more time I’m going to scream!” You giggle and dart away from him. Going to tend to Tae with a soft reply of "I've got you baby."

Hoseok is left, blushing in the morning light. Staying still like you might come by and cup his cheek again, Like a flower staying still in the hope of pollination.

Hobi is left, wanting to scream and somehow demand you back, both would be fair. His plight isn't missed by his packmates, who lean in like a set of jackals, grinning ear to ear at hobi's flustered predicament.

She's going to send him into rut if she's not careful Jin thinks, but doesn't say. instead he teases, “You’ve got to leave in the next ten-minute Hobi.”

Only then does Hoseok move- released from his spell and finally losing the rainbow on his cheeks though they might as well have stayed with how happy and warm he feels. How absolutely incandescent the love is glowing in his chest. A full spectrum of feelings, longing for you to come back.

He almost trips over noodle, darting after you with his tail raised high, catching himself on the edge of the couch at the last second, one shoe on and one off, his water bottle falling and spilling in the process.

yoongi sighs, and stoops to wipe it up. Jimin giggles and pulls Hobi up by his hips, the alpha's fingers feel hot where they've touched him, scalding. “What’s wrong, omega got your tongue?” yoongi returns to his breakfast, throwing the wad of soggy paper towels into the trash.

Jungkook laughs, “It’s more like he wants an omega to have his tongue in her-“

“You guys are gross,” He pushes at Jimin’s shoulder finally moving right. Yoongi hides his smile in a mouthful of Captain Crunch.

Hobi doesn’t think about the rainbows again until his next afternoon shift. When the low angle of the autumn sun cuts through the windows and catches the suncatchers that they hang in the doorway of the flower shop and cast more rainbows- dozens of them really across him and the flower.

He remembers when you came to visit, how you'd lingered over them, looked at them a second longer than you looked at the plants.

It’s a bit of a kitschy display. Other polished stones and nick nacks sitting on the deep shelf along with some smaller potted plants. A little tray of rose-quartz stones falsely advertises themselves as ‘heat reducers.’

The colors start to blend, and the rainbows sway softly in the light, gentle and pretty. He snaps a photo and thinks about sending it to you, but doesn’t.

The store is blissfully empty of Hobi's coworkers when he selects three of them. It's quiet when he packages them in tissue paper, one with a huge pink stained-glass moon at the top, another with three tiers. Each of them is delicate and pretty in their own right. No one’s bought a single one of them in the last three months anyway. They'll hardly be missed. Hobi gives himself a fat employee discount.

Hobi is unfortunately bad at hiding things, especially when he's nervous. Luckily the pack alpha doesn’t have it in him to tease. Namjoon had in fact been only too encouraging and given him a pep talk just this morning about courting and courting presents.

“The worst that can happen is that she doesn’t like it- and then you just have to try again which you were already planning on doing anyway.” Namjoon is quite simply the best at courting. It doesn't matter which subgender; alphas, beta’s, and omegas have all fallen under his touch. At least Hoseok has the opportunity to learn from a professional. Somehow the thought that you'd compare him to namjoon doesn't cross his mind.

Hoseok isn’t good at the romantic gestures that courting necessitates. He’s more of the ‘there when you need him’ kind of lover. Ready to make the small changes to make his loved ones' lives more manageable. Ready with his car keys for adventures. Those parts are easy, this is out of his depth.

Especially when it comes to you. Even After the love confessions, (are confessions still confessions if they’re so internal?) Hobi feels mostly unmoored. About to shatter upon unknown shores.

God, crushes are so frustrating (in the best kind of way, the way that keeps you sighing and daydreaming, the kind of way that makes you look in the mirror a little longer).

Tae helped him half an hour before she started on the pack's paperwork. They'd spent an hour deciding which places were best to hang them to get the greatest number of rainbows. She had even fussed with his hair a little to make it lie right. Having him hop up on the couch so she could see Hobi's face from your angle.

Hobi wanted to make sure there were at least one or two rainbows when he shows you. But when he leads you to the sunroom, his hands over your eyes (the same position you found yourself in when Namjoon surprised you with the nesting pod) there are more of them than there were when he set them up, whole constellations swaying softly.

The suncatchers are pretty and twinkly sparkly in the golden hour light, and your lips part in a simple show of awe when Hobi tells you you can open your eyes. It's so bright, they send dozens of little rainbows across the walls and your nesting pod. Over the white couch and the fig in the corner.

It’s very very pretty. and when you turn back to look a thim, Hobi once again has a rainbow on his cheek.

Your eyes twinkle, but you don't say anything. you stay quiet for long enough that Hobi gets nervous. his anxiety makes him talk fast. “I hung them here- but you can put them wherever you want- in the kitchen or upstairs or I can get you more for any places you want to put them- or- or- ”

You just about tackle him, arms looping around his neck resting your weight in his arms that instinctively grip around your waist. Hobi teeters, unsteady with such a heavy heart, toppling both of you onto the couch as you cry. "I love it!"

You’re sprawled not lying across him but his hand goes out to support the way you cling and rub your face into his chest, a happy little chirp slipping past your lips.

The wild thing in Hobi’s chest settles, settles, and curls around you. Tight and protective like a vice. You pull back, and your smile is just as bright.

Hobi sags, and rests his neck back against the couch, "Good- thank fucking god- I was so fucking nervous-" You fiddle with the buttons on his flannel, it's one of Yoongi's. It seems fitting that you steal his clothes and he steals Yoongi's.

"What brought all this on?"

Hobi doesn't have a good answer, in the quiet with the rainbows, or at least an answer he's ready for. He doesn't say that this is a courting present, and he doesn't need to because instead of answering your question- he replies with one of his own.

“Wanna go for a drive later?” he asks, voice tremulous like he thinks you might refuse him. You’ve never said no to him before, never said not tonight only not right now. Do you treasure our little talks the same way I do?

“Sure, after dinner? like I said? Just-" You lean back against his chest, and Hobi’s hands go tight tight tight around your waist. Holding you close. Clingy. He does not slip his hand under your shirt to cup the side of your hip the way that Namjoon might, but the thought crosses his mind.

Hobi is a good alpha, he won't cross that line until you tell him it's okay. Until then a thin layer of fabric separates his skin from yours. You're still warm to the couch.

“Sit and watch them with me?” You ask quietly. Almost shy, like you think he’d refuse you. He nods and the two of you sit on the couch to look at the rainbows together.

Eventually, Noodle finds the two of you, meowing and hopping up to stretch out along your thighs. Worming his way between the two of you.

The rainbows don't last forever, but Hobi sits with you until they fade.

~-~

Tae’s library is just like every public library:

Tall windows, wide quiet shelves with room for the stories to breathe. A colorful young adult section and an even more colorful kid’s section. A bit aways from the tables and computers so that any over-excited pups don’t disturb the adults. Big deep beanbags for small children to cuddle up to while they ponder fairy tales and adventures only a plastic-covered book away.

Tae’s long plaid skirt barely makes a whisper along the ground. The colder weather has allowed her to live all of her cottage core fantasies, her dark academia aesthetic truly flourishing. Her shirt is a little translucent today, and the fading summer tan of her skin pokes through it in spots where her tank top doesn't hide. Pretty long earrings dangle and clink in the quiet while she works on her shelving.

Wearing her chosen clothing items at work has been a bit of a work in progress.

Most of Tae’s coworkers approve of her transition in that overly willing-to-be-an-ally way that middle-aged women who generally consider themselves progressive outside of closed doors all do. And the ones that don’t approve have swallowed their words with lingering sour eyes and raised upper lips after the general receptiveness to Tae’s social transition.

It's hard to know who's genuine with it, who just doesn't want to cause a fuss, and who just doesn't give a shit. But most of the time her outfits get one or two compliments and thats it. Tae would rather them say nothing than anything negitive.

Tae likes the quiet of the library at this time of day, the silence gives her enough room to let her imagination wander. Tae likes to file away books in mid-morning, when there are fewer people around and her humming is less likely to disturb any of the library’s patrons. She sings to the stories and they sing back, tempting her with every well-worded title and delicately chaste summary.

But she doesn’t just think about stories or the book she's writing (her book is currently giving her hell on the 30th chapter) No. Today- there is a much more interesting love story blooming in her head, in the pack's den too.

She’s been thinking about you all morning (Tae thinks about you almost every morning) there are even little poems scrawled on the edge of her newspaper. Lines that are you and a bit of Hobi too.

I wished that I might be your hair clip / to know what it feels like / to be pressed against the nape of your neck/ To be your suntan/ perched on the edge/ of what you show everyone and what you show no one/ To be the bearer of every freckle/ like the sky holds the stars/ To hold and never let go/ Like birds hold sunshine / and flowers hold songs.

Everyone had noticed of course, how much time you and Hobi have been spending together.

The pack had even talked about it during a quiet moment without you and Hobi. Yoongi’s lack of communication regarding you and Hobi. “I don’t know anything” he’d unsuccessfully lied, and nearly been heaved up and wrestled to the couch as a result. But Jungkook’s puppy eyes had unsuccessfully endeared him.

Yoongi has kept Hobi's secret, but it's kind of hard not to notice. Tae isn't a fool. Tae is a much better liar than Yoongi is- because when you'd come to her after your late-night drive to gush with her about Hobi and the rainbows over makeup. She hadn't said anything about what she knows.

Tae couldn’t tell you how many times she’d noticed little touches, Hobi’s hand lingering on the small of your back, grabbing your waist when he moved behind you in the bathroom. When he take the greatest care to set out his sweatshirts in the morning and even asks Jungkook to make sure they’re clean. They’re practically not even his sweatshirts anymore with the amount you’ve been wearing them.

Tae isn’t an idiot, she knows that Hobi’s finally realized it. While she doesn’t trust herself to play matchmaker given how poorly the first time she pointed out Hobi’s attraction went. that doesn’t mean she’s not going to park herself firmly on the edge of her fantasy land with a box of popcorn.

If they were gonna get married, would Hobi wear a red tux or black or grey? Her brain is already thinking of wedding dresses. One of these days she’s really going to have to make a Pinterest board. Hobi would probably want to do sunflowers, and that might clash with the red unless it was a fall wedding- ooh, and what about pearl details and daisies? a beach wedding might be a little too on the nose for you.

Tae is so absorbed with her shelving and her daydreaming that she doesn’t notice the sound of small shoes on the carpeted floor. Nor does she notice the light-up flash of tiny iorn man sneakers. Her musings are easily interrupted by a small tug on her skirt, shy almost. She startles a little, looking down at the sudden touch.

The little pup's thumb is wet from where it was clearly placed behind their bucked teeth. He's got wide brown eyes and soft-looking hair, Tae can't stop the smile that comes to her lips.

“I wanted to read a book but I couldn’t reach, can you help me? Please?”

Tae’s heart swells as she leans down to the pup's level. “Of course, I can! Why don’t you show me what one you wanted,” diligently Tae follows the little one a few isles over, tugged along by their insistent pulling as he tells her about the pretty cover.

The little pup turns back, furrowing his bushy brows up at Tae, “are you a princess?” he asks. Tae almost has to laugh, a bright happy gender euphoric feeling filling her chest, that feeling of I could be filling her.

She makes her whisper just a little more hushed, playing along, “Don’t tell anyone okay? It's a secret.” The little pup nods, eyes darting around like there are dragons that would threaten her.

“What gave me away?”

“Princesses wear long skirts!” the pup says cheerfully, like it makes the most sense in the world. He's a little too loud and Tae winces. He finally finds the shelve with the story. The spine glimmers pink and gold and Tae is unsurprised to find the illustrated copy of Cinderella. Not the Disney or PJ version, but the Brothers Grimm version.

Tae cringes at the pair of doves on the cover.

Tae doesn’t say that the little pup is too small to read a book so big, or that there is one with more pictures much more appropriate away from the young adult section. The child can’t be more than 6 years old.

But still, Tae retrieves it and delivers it to their waiting arms. The little one clutches it to his chest, thanks Tae, and then promptly plops themselves onto the carpeted floor right there.

He opens the first page, huffs, and then looks up at her imploringly.

“I just realized I can’t read.”

He pouts and Tae melts. Tae wonders where the pup's mother is, but really, there certainly can't be much harm in this. This isn't the first time Tae has been guilted into reading a story to a pup while their parents work or make use of the library's computers.

"Just the first page.” She intones, caution for the child’s hopes in her voice, she presses her skirt under her knees and sits on the scratchy carpet. The pup curls close to see the pictures. Resting his tiny chubby cheek in the billow of Tae’s big puffy sleeve.

Tae's chest is all tight as she reads. The pup is very well-behaved, he pauses, and asks questions in a soft voice only when Tae gives him space to respond. Tae easily ommits the parts that aren't appropriate. but tae finds herself watching the pup a little bit more as the minutes stretch.

In a few years with your own little ones around, will Tae become the defacto bedtime story reader? Will she do this with the pack's pups one day? Will she be the one to take that bright little light in their eyes that imagines things as greater and more and cultivate it? Her cheeks feel warm at the prospect, heart beating like a hummingbird's wings in excitement.

Your pups and Jin's pups too- they're gonna be so loved. Tae's gonna be the best mom to them, The best alpha too.

One page turns into two and then three. In this quiet corner with only Tae’s voice as ruler and god, the little pup hinges on every word. Until there’s another voice close by. An adult not wishing to be loud, a whispered name.

“Jae?”

Tae smiles up at the woman at the end of the aisle of books. Her smile turns sweeter when Jae hops up and runs to press his face into her jeaned thighs. Tae remembers how that felt, how every scent besides Tae’s own omega mother felt overwhelming and icky.

Tae stands with a crack of her knees and makes to hand over the book, “This makes a great bedtime story until about chapter 8, that one you might want to skip until he’s a little older.”

The woman makes to smile, but it only goes so far. Tae watches in perfect detail, everything in slow motion, as her eyes flicker down to Tae’s Addams apple.

She drags her child close by their wrist quicker than Tae can blink. Tae sees the moment that the child realizes this touch isn’t gentle, wide eyes going fear-stricken as he's tugged behind her back. And then it's all downhill from there.

I'll spare you the more vile bits.

But the saddest moment of the argument that follows (Which involves not one but three of Tae's co-workers to calm down the hysterical woman whose screeches echo around the quiet library) is when the pup tries to get his mother's attention. "Mom, I liked that she was reading to me."

"He" the certified Karen hisses, moving in a way that makes the pup flinch back. "-should know better than to corrupt a pup with such- such-" her eyes dart down and up, and Tae's skin burns. "Disgusting behavior."

The misgendering doesn't even sting. What does hurt is the eyes peering in. She isn't being quiet and it's causing many of the library's patrons' attention is diverted. Tae's coworkers have put themselves between Tae and the woman. But there still aren't enough people (enough packmates) in between her and the verbal tirade.

An hour later, after the woman has left after threatening to call the police, Tae talks with his boss and his boss’s boss. The room behind the front desk is glass, and he knows that the door doesn’t keep the sound of their raised voice out.

“I wasn’t harassing her child; I was just helping him find a book for Christ sake!”

The worst part is that this isn’t the first time that this has happened. No- since Tae came out there have been two other complaints leveled against her from bigoted patrons. Both right at the beginning before she got the hang of presenting how she wanted to.

At least those confrontations weren’t face-to-face. At least those complaints didn’t end with someone threatening to call the police and a pup cowering, tugged along too roughly out the door.

The little pup had glanced back at Tae, mouth in pout, eyes swimming with tears.

Even if the woman felt righteous in her anger, the least she could have done was not yell in front of the pup. Tae promises herself right then and there, that she'll never raise her voice in front of the pack's pups, not in anger.

The book has stayed on the counter at the front. Pink and gold and treacherous. Tae hopes that if anything, the pup finds it and reads the ending one day. Stories have a way of finding us, even when the world makes us let them go.

Now in the back room behind the check-out counter. Tae’s boss levels her with an expectant look, the kind that people give when they don’t want to be transphobic not really- it’s just so hard for them not to, so learned. Tae is the nail that sticks up. It’s bullshit really. Tae can tell it's bullshit before she opens her mouth.

“Really? He asked for Cinderella?”

“Yes.” Tae’s biting tone is an alpha’s tone, not a man’s, and yet she knows how it sounds.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“I’m not lying.” Is Tae supposed to only help some children find the books they want? Is she supposed to look at them and make her best guess if they’ve got homophobic parents and skip them over? It’s not her fault that the sweet sweet pup’s parent was a bigot.

“I can’t help but feel like- you’ve got a personal agenda-“

"Charlie-" the district manager cautions.

Tae can’t stop herself from snapping, alpha anger sparking with the intent to burn. “Little boys should be allowed to read Cinderella if they want to” Rats and all. Her hands are shaking, and it isn’t missed by them. The room smells thick with Tae’s spicy cinnamon anger.

The district manager sets her hand on Tae's shoulder, and her anger ebbs just a little. “I think maybe you should go home a little early today, just to cool off. We can talk about it more tomorrow.”

Tae doesn’t want to go home early, Tae doesn’t want to go home at all as she packs up her books. Her bag lighter than usual, absent of the stories that she wants to take home. For once there aren’t any that she wants to read.

She walks to the train station because Jimin won’t be off work for another 2 hours and that’s when he’d usually pick her up, the last three days he’s gotten her flowers too; white roses the first day, pink the second, and red the third. She sends him a text.

Tae <3 (1:48): I left work early today, you don’t have to pick me up, I’ll get an Uber home.

Mini-alpha (1:49):!!!!!

Mini-alpha (1:49): What happened? Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up? I can leave now.

Tae sighs, looking down at her phone while she waits for the crosswalk light to come on. Red still, green in a few seconds, she only has to wait. She can practically feel Jimin's nervous energy through the phone. it's a wonder he doesn't immediately call her.

It makes her soft. It isn't in Jimin's nature to give any of his lovers any space but he always makes an effort when it comes to her.

Tae <3 (1:53): No. It’s fine. I’ll talk to you when you get home.

Tae doesn’t want to talk to Jimin about transphobia again. At least not yet. It’s too much energy. It’s not that Tae doesn’t want to make what happened during Namjoon’s rut better. It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk about it- it’s just that there’s nothing to talk about, the explanation of his actions are such a burden for Tae to bear. And Tae trusts that Jimin’s heart is in the right place even if he makes mistakes. And even telling Jimin off, yelling at him, wouldn’t change it.

Either one day Tae will not have to deal with bigoted parents, either one day she’ll pass and won’t have to worry, or she'll always be in this awkward middle ground.

Trans people are like toupees, you only notice them when there’s something off, something a little misplaced about them. Tae fears that most of all. Femininity, as much as she wants it, as much as it's hers to take, what if it won't ever fit right? What if she never passes?

Tae loves her job at the library, it’s the perfect mix of boring and safe and easy even if it doesn’t pay enough. But even as she's gained things like skirts and puffy sleeves, she's exchanged them for days like today. Really, the library was her favorite place before today and now, every step away from it makes her feel a little lighter. She's not even angry anymore, just exhausted mentally.

Tae decides to walk home at least she’s in her most conservative channel flats, they could use a little bit more wear and love and Tae’s thoughts are still too sharp. She dulls them to a palatable edge that all falls apart when she gets home.

You’re there, thank fucking god you’re always there when she gets home. You’ll always be Tae’s comfort person.

Tae opens the door with a creek and push of cold air, you're saying something to Yoongi turning with a toss of your hair, eyes brightening when you see her before you've even said her name.

You look a little healthier today, with a little bit more of a rosy glow to your cheeks and a healthy brightness to your eyes, not all glassy.

"Tae! You're home early!"

Tae will never stop being proud of how hard you try, and will never stop being a bit envious either because Tae-

Tae looks at you and wilts, bag flopping onto the floor, and predictably burst into tears.

"Oh- oh Tae."

"Baby girl-"

You and Yoongi are just about the best security blanket a packmate could ask for. You're so good as you pull her down to your level so you can kiss away her tears, maneuvering her like a perfect team onto the couch. Yoongi's strong hands slide off her shoes. Yoongi's fingers digging into her sore heel as you kiss away her every tear.

A substantial amount of babying and a Sos packmate in distress text later, and Tae is reclining across a freshly fluffed nest, the muscles in her body relaxed. The blisters on the back of her feet are bandaged and kissed. Every inch of her body is too.

You don't talk about it until after the pack's facemasks are finished, and hobi's clear coat has dried over the tiny nail sticker that you left. a small bumblebee.

Your skin smells sweet after a long long bath full of fancy bath bombs. Jinnie had also rubbed oil onto her freshly shaven legs. You helped, dragging it along oh so carefully to not nick her skin. Ending each pass with a kiss to her ankle and then upper thigh.

Tae’s head is in your lap now, cheek pressed against your (slightly chubbier) thighs. Her sniffles the background music as Tae gives her final recap of what happened.

Your nose gets a wrinkle in it when you go cross. "There's so much meanness to the world, I hate how people have to add to it."

Jimin’s anger leaves an undercurrent in the air, dragging the other alphas along, Hobi’s hands are strong where they dig into Tae’s shoulders, belly down in the nest while you play with her hair, braiding it back and forth. The attention makes her feel a little tingly.

“Do you know what her name was? Did you get a look at her car-“ Jimin asks, nearly barking. The library has cameras. Jimin knows it does.

Jin sets a hand on the back of his neck, a scruff threatening. “Down pup. Tae doesn’t need you to track them down.” Jimin’s teeth look particularly sharp in the light. For a face so soft he has quite the mouth on him.

“They made her sad,” he growls, but it's softer, more pointed as he crouches over her.

Namjoon’s quiet voice unlocks the whole world's worries, massaging gently down the column of Tae’s delicate neck, rough hands, worn tender touching her regardless. Namjoon is rarely ever so pointed, but it's logical, from an alpha's perspective, Tae knows what he hints.

"I think that if your bosses aren't going to protect you from people like that, then I want you to leave your job." Jin gives him a look like, 'Now you know where I'm coming from' but Tae's the important packmate right now.

Tae rolls Namjoon's words around her tongue, her hand loosely twined with his. Namjoon has the steadiest hands out of everyone in the pack and a few minutes ago he repurposed his surgery skills to do her nails. Took off the chipped red and re-did them because Namjoon knows she feels best when her claws are polished. He checks them now. Tapping them lightly to not smudge them.

It's a girl's night, the first girl's night you've ever had with the whole pack. Tae's face is still glossy from the face mask.

“I don’t think I want to quit; I don’t think that would help at all that’s not going to like- solve the world and all its issues.”

“No, but- if it’s making you more sad than happy. Then maybe it’s worth considering.”

Tae knows Namjoon’s not saying that she doesn’t make enough to affect the pack's finances, but that's still the truth. Hobi pulls himself along her other side and you watch him with heavy-lidded eyes.

Hobi presses a kiss to Tae's temple, “All you want to do is write every day anyways, and we just want you to be happy,” 6 heads nod their agreement.

Hobi isn't wrong; The last four weekends in a row Tae has woken up several hours earlier than the pack would usually stir from morning cuddles, just to get a few hours of uninterrupted writing done. She’s also spent nearly every night in her library room, staying up late after the pack has retired upstairs until one of you comes down and wrangles her upstairs. The pack's prettiest alpha needs her beauty sleep.

But is it enough to count on? Is it worth quitting her job over?

You duck down low, kissing the same spot Hobi did, your lips touching just a Tae away. a heavy breath wooshes out of her chest. "Yeah why wouldn't we want you to quit? If you're always here then I can always do this."

Your kiss is gentle, and it tastes like belonging more than Tae would ever be able to write, to describe. A love that makes you feel like you belong is a rare thing. And Tae's hand goes up to tangle in your hair, keeping you there for just a shared breath longer.

The next breath tastes a bit like freedom. It's scary to be free.

(But Tae leaves her 2 weeks' notice on her boss’s desk before the end of the next work day, and she doesn't feel bad about it one bit).

~-~

(1 year prior)

Maybe the truth is that the reason why you don’t feel you deserve agency is because you know what your agency looks like. The choices you’re willing to make when it comes down to it.

The secrets you tell and the lies you have buried deep in your pocket like one of Hobi’s found things. Something you can’t get rid of and cast back into the ocean. No matter how hard you try. There is something about murder that sticks, that stays no matter how many times you try to wash your hands of it.

It's not guilt, because you don't feel guilty for what you had to do.

Being backed into a corner can make someone do a whole hell of alot of monstrous things. And back then Life was monotonous. Back then there was Anguish without change.

Your life went like this: Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Wake up. Meet up with Hyejin. Make poison. Make pastries. Go to the Don’s house. Feed it to them. Listen to Moonbyul tell you to wait. Go home. Get beaten again and again. Get raped every night. On and on and on.

Clean up your blood from the tiles. Clean it from the carpet. Hydrogen peroxide and not bleach. Cover the bruises up with color corrector first before you put concealer over them.

Smile and tell everyone that your husband and you are perfectly happy. There will be a pup on the way soon enough, I'm so lucky to have someone who supports me, and I'm so lucky to have a love like this.

Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Go to sleep and don't cry because then he'll beat you for keeping him awake.

In the darkness that curls around you. Blood going tacky between your legs, you start to dream of wicked sweet things.

What you've been through would be enough to make anyone go crazy, Enough to make anyone consider drastic action. Enough to make anyone consider murder.

Enough for you to slide a pair of small syringes off of Moonbyul’s night desk and a small packet of arsenic too. You know how to make a simple syrup. You know how to mix in arsenic to it, how to make it liquid soluble without breathing it in.

You make it in the fine china and break it after so that you can throw it out without worrying. You get a beating for it but you hardly feel it when Geumjae drags you across the floor by your hair. It hardly breaks your heart when he steps on your ribcage with the intent to break bones because you know what you have to do.

After, with your own blood on your teeth, you make sure to leave it in the bottom of the trash, and ask the cleaning staff not to take it out yet. They're supposed to find it.

You don't care if you die, you just want to make sure the necessary villains are punished. When it comes to blame the person who is most to blame is you anyway. You are simply numb to pain, numb to your own anguish. Numb to the idea of your own death too. Geumjae's already killed you in every way that matters.

Cut off a wolf's head and it still has the power to bite; give a girl an enemy and she'll do dangerous things.

Your meetings with the Don and beta always go the same; gossip, and greetings. Sometimes when you come bearing bruises, they tell you to wait just a little longer.

Go home. Get beaten. Get hurt. Get Raped. Wake up. Just give it time for his temper to settle. Once you're mated it will get better.

Even Moonbyul and Hyejin tell you that planning the perfect crime takes time. That you'll be saved if you only wait. Help is coming.

Bullshit.

You’re tired of waiting for him to kill you, you're tired of waiting to die. You're smarter than all of them because you know exactly how to get everything you want and you're willing to do anything to get it.

The next time Moonbyul and Hyejin take you to the Don and Beta’s house under the guise of afternoon tea, you are prepared for war and dressed with revenge in mind. Your white dress knotted at the shoulders falling in a heavenly sheet, like an avenging angel, neither pious nor sinful.

You are a force of nature and nature does not ask when it takes lives.

What’s worse; the people that enable the abusers or the abusers themselves? Who is more to blame for the pain caused?

You are no longer hiding and you won't let them hide this time. The bruise on your cheek is purple and mottled, the rings of bruises on your wrists from his hands while he held you down.

When you smiled at Geumjae over breakfast this morning, there was only one thought in your mind.

You’re next.

Your agency looks like this; elegantly done hair your skirt a little short for fall. A basket of arsenic-backed goods in a basket as is usual. Fluffy pink cupcakes with the perfect Swiss meringue buttercream in little spirals.

A gentle smile at the beta when she opens her doors for you, letting the monster in, because you’ve been over enough times that she trusts you. You suppose that's your doing too, you've fooled her into thinking you're just another idiot girl who decided to marry rich and didn't bother to consider the strings attached. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, you bare your teeth when you smile.

Hyejin has helped on that front; over the past few months, she has taught you exactly the kind of conversation that the beta likes- the useless conversations about family drama, the small little bits that you let through about your husband’s opinion on which pup is marrying whom, which alpha is good or bad for the packs near dozen omega pups that aren’t mated yet. Which alphas are likely to be a liability? This kind of gossip is all information and strategy.

You might have lied in your call to her and told her you were fearful of one of the younger ones- and a conversation you’d happened to witness on a street corner, a shadowy figure that looked a little too severe not to be the authorities. Of course, these kinds of things have to be handled with discretion and ginseng tea.

The Don does not bother to turn down the TV when you walk in, sitting vulnerable in his recliner with his feet up. It doesn’t appear that he has any sort of inclination or plans to interact with you when you sit here at his kitchen table and talk. Instead, he lounges and watches his sports, loud because his hearing is so bad, nearly deafening.

It’s good. hopefully anyone nearby will not overhear.

You hope that if this goes south before you have a chance to confess that they find the letter you wrote at home; the one that says your husband is the one that put you up to this.

You know that the pack’s retribution will be swift, that any sort of alibi he has will be null and void with the evidence you’ve been leaving. A little trail of breadcrumbs that leads right into a pretty little grave for your husband. Even if you won't be around to see it.

You're already a friend of pain. You already find comfort in it. If they kill you (which they will) then at least it will finally be over.

You wait until the moment you know is coming, when the Don looks over his shoulder at you and comands “Be a dear and bring me one.”

You put one of your artfully created confections on a pretty gold-rimed plate and walk to his side, you lean over to put it in his lap as he indicates. the same way he does every time you come over with sweets.

The lingering hand on your ass is hardly abnormal. behind you the beta's tea cup clinks as she sets her tea down and says nothing. even though you know she notices.

He’s so busy coping a feel he doesn’t notice your other hand, going to the syringe duck taped to your thigh.

It happens quicker than the Don can blink. The most powerful man in the underworld can't be bothered to protect his life for a pretty little piece of ass. You smile down at him, and his hand squeezes the round apple of your behind.

His hand is still on your ass when you whip your arm around with as much force as you can and drive the syringe and plunger into his neck.

You must have hit something in his neck because he barely has a second to splutter before he’s going still and quiet. Mouth falling horrifyingly slack. His breath rattles and his eyes dart as his whole body is paralyzed near instantly, in the time it takes for his blood to circulate.

Two paces, swing, plunge.

The beta barely has a second to scream or stand to attack you. You are so much younger than they are. Your body might be fragile and frail but It’s still stronger than hers. Her brief scream is easily drowned out by the scratch of the TV.

She ends up on the floor, the icing on the cupcakes sticky as she falls into half of them, tossed onto the floor by your brief tussle as you straddle her struggling form. Her pushing gets weaker and weaker and she sobs.

It doesn’t surprise you when you see the black tracery of a dying mating mark itching up her skin.

One thing that the family had always been oh so careful of was to talk only in their mother tongue around you. Secrets are best kept when they’re spoken in foreign tongues. It was a way to isolate you. To make them speak English for you to understand felt like a beholden request. At one point It was a point of insecurity for you, always left out of the loop, always relying on your husband to keep you in the know.

You bend over her as her pushing gets weaker and weaker, the arsenic doing its job, causing numbness and the tingling of extremities before it causes paralysis and then coma and death. Your hair falls in a sheet over the beta’s face.

You’ve studied much over the last few months. Enough that you lean in close over her and speak your words in perfect Korean.

“You look so angry,” you croon softly, dragging a finger down her cheek. Spittle froths at her mouth as she breathes heavily. “You shouldn’t- if you want someone to blame you only need to look in the mirror.”

You lean in close until your lips brush her ear, “it's your fault you see- you're the one who lied" you mimic her voice, making it scratchy, "'just wait a little longer, it will be better for the family if you stay quiet." you laugh, "as if that where true, the only person it benefits is you. You where ready to let him hurt me and kill me if i just stayed quiet."

You wipe away a bit of spit from her lower lip, "You always told me how it was your duty to protect the family- but you only serve yourself. If you'd have done something, if you'd have helped me I wouldn't have had to do this. You just wanted me to shut up and die quietly.”

You switch back to English, “Well now it’s your turn.”

You watch her tongue go numb, paralyzed, but the poison hasn’t advanced far enough for her not to speak.

“Fucking- worthless bitch.”

You laugh and stand brushing some crumbs from your skirt. She’s already too weak to move, to shout, or fight you. You watch the light start to leave her eyes, winking out so slowly, like a dying star. But she still looks so pissed.

“You don’t have a right to be angry, you killed me first. You can’t blame me for fighting back.”

She gives her last breath and the TV plays on. Your shoe ticks her hand, her fingers twitching weakly. You watch as she gasps her last breath, a small smile on your face.

You sit at the table and turn the TV down. You wait a few minutes, but it quickly becomes an hour. You have yourself a nice little treat while you watch, turning the channel to a food network while you eat.

You really are a fantastic cook. The crumb on this batch is so nice you don’t even taste the metallic tang of poison. You eat through one, and then another, until the whole basket is empty.

Before you know it there is a concerned knock at the door. The lock clicks and turns when you answer it.

When Moonbyul opens the door, you laugh at the expression on her face. Licking the frosting from your lips. Even that is delicious.

She takes in their bodies, crumpled on the floor the frosting on your cheeks. The evidence. Both of them dying. A violence you cannot undo.

Her voice is somber. “Oh Pup, what have you done?”

~-~

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Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

~-~

Notes:

this chapter is a very classic bily chapter, in the fact that there is a fuck ton of fluff and then bang the mafia bits just take you out. we needed to get back into the mafia bits of the story sooner rather than later though 💀

i felt like i was going a little too over the top with certain bits of puptalk in this chapter, but i really wanted to use it to show that like yeah- the pack has been treating her alot more gently since her breakdown, they've been babbying the fuck out of her, even if we don't get to see it :(

Hobi's texts are so???? Fucking cute?? He's so hopeless my god he wants to make her feel loved without actually saying it and i hope you read them and just go "oh, you're an idiot."

I have this whole elaborate backstory to how wonho's gym works with monthly subscriptions to classes where people can decide how many classes they want to take a week, ie gym dues for facilities and then discounted classes on top if they pay for it before hand, with several tiers.

this chapter almost feels clerical- this is definitely more of a set up chapter- where i needed to check off a lot of boxes, like hobi's courting present- before we go any further into the story. things are going to start amping up in terms of stakes pretty quickly.

That one part, where hobi is kinda malfunctioning after the m/c touches his cheek and everyone teases him feels the most representative of the pack as a whole. like that part where they're all replying- feels very real. i struggle a little to capture a sense of domesticity in concise ways, but i think this part is very tidy.

That little touch with hobi- where he touches her wrist and her finger, that touch has so much weight to it, i personally think the whole pack was tasting the sexual tension on the air, can you guys feel it too or is it all in my head?

idk why yoongi calling tae babygirl makes me so flustered but it does 🥵

i really wanted to work calling tae mommy into the chapter someway but tbh this chapter felt complex enough without it.

there is like- one plot hole in this whole story, and that is in the first chapter of the story when yoongi gets a call the person on the other line says "grandfather is dying." implying that his death wasn't instantaneous like this is shown to be. however, in my mind- the injections don't actually kill the don and beta but plunge them into a coma that they never wake up from- is this an actual possibility with arsenic poisoning- NO IT ISN'T lol, you're just going to have to suspend your disbelief for me.

the m/c has always been the person who killed the don and the beta- i've known this since like...maybe the 4th chapter? it wasn't in the og og plan for the story but almost everything in bily has been hammered out since then. and tbh you already knew she killed them just not that it was this violent! does this count as a secret???? idk! maybe!!!

she's a little murder baby just like minnie <3

#bts a/b/o #bts x reader #bts mafia au #bts poly au #bts omegaverse au #bts polyamory au #bts #bts fluff #bts au #bts gang au #bts hurt/comfort #bts werewolf au #bts angst #bts fanfic #bangtan #bts imagines #bts fic #bts fanfiction #jungkook x reader #yoongi #namjoon #jeon jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jung hoseok x reader #jung hoseok fic #hobi #kim seokjin x reader #kim seokjin fanfic #kim seokjin fluff #jungkook

[keiriiz]

General Chrollo Headcanons!

I will be making a separate post for my romantic/relationship headcanons of him! I’m a bit nervous because I know I’m in the minority with some of my views however I’m up for making a second part to this as this definitely isn’t all, or even expanding on certain things if anyone’s interest. My request box is always open ✨

✥ Chrollo has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Aside from his childhood trauma, this can also affect his ability to identify and express his emotions. He’s also a master of masking, but if he’s out and overwhelmed, he’s definitely stimming with his fingers when he places his hands in his pockets.

✥ Chrollo Lucilfer and “Boss” started off as two different identities. Being the Head of the Phantom Troupe was merely another role however over the years, Chrollo started to lose his individuality. He’s gotten lost in the idea of being a villain that being himself sometimes feels foreign, or he might not recognize it when that side of him comes out. It wasn’t just Sarasa that died that day, but a piece of himself as well.

✥ Chrollo himself is a bit childish. He gets a small glint of genuine joy in his eyes when he’s talking about something he’s passionate about. Whether it’s a book series, the Power Cleaners, or certain species of arachnid. Seeing that side of him truly is something as it only comes out when he’s completely comfortable.

✥ On the other hand of that not, when he’s upset this also leads to him being pretty impulsive and making rather rash decisions. Chrollo is a master strategist but that can fall apart when pushed enough.

✥ Chrollo hums to himself when there’s a toon he’s fond of playing. Most times it’s subconsciously and he doesn’t even catch himself doing so unless it’s pointed out to him.

✥ This man hates crowds of people. Not being able to keep track of what everyone’s doing, the heat, the smell- It’s completely awful to him. It’s more overwhelming than most heists and if not on a job he will avoid them at all costs.

✥ Chrollo is very comfortable in his gender as a cis man but often indulges in things that are stereotypically feminine. Make up, painting his nails, even sporting a bit of women’s garments into his every day style.

✥ The Troupe as a whole is a found family of sorts, but Chrollo holds a particular closeness with the original members. The Spider he was closest with overall being Pakunoda.

✥ Given what we know about Nen, I believe Chrollo was born as a natural conjuror. Though with him changing as a person and honing his Nen for those three years, his aura adapted to specialization.

✥ Chrollo’s ethnicity is Japanese Italian. A true wasian man if I do say so myself. Though I feel he’s a bit more in touch with his Japanese heritage.

✥ He returns a lot to Meteor City outside of his Troupe affairs. He’s somewhat famous there and you bet there’s kids running up to him, gently tugging at his coat asking him to tell them about his “adventures”. Chrollo of course does so on his free time, sharing stories of their heists though somewhat spinning it to paint them as heroes akin to the Power Cleaners.

✥ Chrollo doesn’t kill innocent people unless they’re accidentally caught in the crossfire or truly it’s necessary like how he used the crowd in his fight with Hisoka.

✥ Chrollo suffers from insomnia due to being plagued by night terrors though aside from that he can honestly fall asleep anywhere if tired enough. It doesn’t matter if it’s the hair ground of the forest or a nice bed, he’ll make due.

✥ Of course if given a bed, you will definitely catch this man hugging/cuddling his pillow. And he definitely prefers to be completely smothered in blankets and pillows to feel like he’s been held. (I’ll say it now, he’s a little spoon)

✥ Chrollo is definitely a light weight when it comes to alcohol. He’s buzzed on two cheap beers so he’s always careful to restrain himself in that regard.

✥ He is a S class NERD. Chrollo will shame movie or show adaptations for their inaccuracies to their book counterparts. If someone brings up an obscure topic that he just so happened to read about, he’s making his knowledge known.

✥ Pretty much everyone is aware of Chrollo’s love for pudding but I’m here to say his love for sweets is endless. Cakes, ice cream, candies, chocolate- he literally can’t get enough. And bet your ass he’s suffered a deal of tooth pain during his younger years because of it. Though he’s good on his dental hygiene as an adult.

✥ Chrollo can naturally be quite competitive. Whether he’s playing chess or just entertaining a Troupe member’s game of hang man. He’s always going for the win.

✥ When he’s not masking, Chrollo’s genuine laugh is truly adorable. On the rare occasion he might even snort. (He’ll always deny that he did though)

✥ Being from Meteor City, Chrollo is on the most accepting and least judgmental people when it comes to LGBTQ, race, religion/culture, mental disorders, or any physical differences. He didn’t even know something like being gay or trans was looking down on in certain places of the world.

I hope you guys appreciate these. I truly can ramble about this man all day if you really want ❤️

#hxh #phantom troupe #hunter x hunter #chrollo #chrollo lucilfer #kuroro #kuroro rushirufuru #chrollo headcanons #headcanons #genei ryodan #pakunoda #hxh chrollo #hxh headcanons #i’m literally obsessed

[infohazardouz]

DEMON AU UPDATE: everything's dead (somewhat of a vent)

not to alarm you, just to grab your attention

some readers might've noticed that i've brought up problems with my laptop before- unfortunately, the ol' thing totally kicked the bucket yesterday and is now completely beyond repairing.

Unfortunately, it died unexpectedly and I don't have a backup of my stuff for about a years worth. This of course includes the entirety of the demon au, my pages that were in progress, and every other thing I had planned for tumblr.

I'm already working from a new laptop- it was mandatory to buy one for college, so I guess things worked out in that regard- but honestly I've been really depressed about exactly how much I lost. A year and a half isn't a lot of time until it's as though it's never happened.

I keep realizing small things that are now gone forever- custom brushes I relied on, my own fonts, tons and tons of memories. I'm honestly feeling really blindsided by the whole thing. To make matters worse, things are looking dire in the way of online recovery- I lost my Firefox account and all the data that was stored on there, and I'm 70 bucks out on the battery replacement that killed the laptop in the first place on top of the 2k the new laptop cost. I'm in a really dire position right now, and it's really hard for me to look at the positives although I'm really trying my best. So I just wanted to announce that until I can get my bearings, I'm gonna have to put the demon au on a short/indefinite hiatus.

I'm sorry folks, but it gets worse. I really, really hate to do this, but I'm not doing well financially as a result of all this, and if i have any hope of recovering any of my data it's by taking the HDD off my old laptop and putting it into an adapter to hopefully move things to my new system. I'm trying to save up for this $20 adapter right now <-

If you're able, I would appreciate from the bottom of my heart if you could drop a few bucks into my ko-fi here:

I've made a goal for the 20 necessary for the adapter, so you know when I've reached the amount.

I hate the idea of asking people to donate to strangers over the internet, so I will draw a doodle of your choice for any donation amount of any value if you are able to donate. Otherwise, I completely understand, and I appreciate you so much for reading this far!

UPDATE: @himboextraordinaire did an absolutely incredible thing and just donated the entire 20 I needed to order the adapter. I'm incredibly overcome with emotion over this, and I'll be removing the link to my ko-fi just to make sure no one donates by accident.

Thank you so, so much. It means the world to me what you just did for me <33

Again, I'm really really sorry, everyone. I didn't mean to let anyone down, and I really do want to get back to this comic whenever I am able- and I feel really bad about asking for donations on top of things, but I honestly don't know what else to do. I hope you guys understand, appreciate you all very much always <333

#welcome home demon au #important #meta #vent #demon wally darling

[in1-nutshell]

I happy that your open again I want to know how would the tfp bots and cons react to meeting perrito buddy from the last wish

Perrito Buddy is back! Time for some new Bots and Cons to see this adorable bot.

Hope you enjoy!

Bot Buddy who has the personality of Perrito from "Puss in Boots The Last Wish" with Ratchet, Arcee, Bulkhead, Predaking, and Breakdown

SFW, Platonic, Cybertronain reader

TFP

Buddy was a minibot with a dog alt mode.

How did Buddy even get into the war?

Just one of the many mysteries this bot has under that adorable smile.

No one knows where Buddy came from exactly, or how they even made it off Cybertron when it went dark.

Their personality is one that hasn’t been seen since before the war, even then it was rare to see someone so positive and wanting to help others.

Their backstories are origins for supervillains, but they are still nice and sweet?!

Someone? Explain? Please?

Team that wants to protect Buddy from all harm

This team is reserved for those who take one look at this little ball of sunshine and want to wrap them up in bubble wrap and toss them in a safe. There is no way these bots are going to let Buddy anywhere near the fights. Firstly, they don’t have the necessary armor for it and secondly, they wouldn’t even hurt a fly. These bots know that Buddy would never harm anyone. Even if it were an accident, they would over apologize and do something to make everyone forget why they were upset in the first place. These bots feel better if Buddy stayed on base than go out. They are absolutely floored with some of the messed-up stories their past ‘friends’ did to them. Little ball of sunshine will be protected at all costs.

Ratchet

Arcee

Bulkhead

Predaking

Breakdown

Team that is puzzled how positive this minibot is

This team is reserved for the bots who are just confused by Buddy’s entire existence. These bots don’t know how someone like Buddy could stay the same through this war. How did they stay so positive through it all? How!? They don’t understand and it makes them angry. Did Buddy not lose anyone they loved in the war? Where they a Neutral and recently joined the team? Why? How could they stay so happy when everyone around them isn’t!? Because of this they will try and put some space between them and Buddy. At least until they can ask them more about it. But they are once again back at square one when Buddy tells them some of the stories and adventures their ‘friends’ put them through. Again, how?!

Arcee

Ratchet

Team that tries to train them to fight

These bots are determined to get Buddy somewhat battle ready. There is a war outside for crying out loud and they don’t even have a blaster! They are going to try and train Buddy themselves. This does not go in the way they plan… For one, Buddy doesn’t pack that much of a punch. Two, they hate hurting anyone, even the enemy. An the last on… they couldn’t hurt Buddy. They know that in training and sparing some sort of pain will be involved whether intentional or not. But whenever they go for it, they just stop inches from Buddy and just drop. They can’t do it, but they need to help Buddy. They refuse anyone else to train them despite their efforts. The want to train will only increase when they hear the ‘silly’ stories their ‘friends’ did to them in the past. They will protect Buddy with all their being, but for now, they are just trying to convince Buddy to carry around a taser.

Bulkhead

Breakdown

Predaking

#transformers x reader #maccadam #bot buddy #tfp #tfp x reader #tfp x platonic reader #tfp ratchet #tfp arcee #tfp breakdown #tfp bulkhead #tfp predaking #tfp ratchet x platonic reader #tfp arcee x platonic reader #tfp bulkhead x platonic reader #tfp predaking x platonic reader

[lttleghost]

El Camino makes me want to Chew My Arm Off

(I know I’ve made several posts about this movie and my problems with it but I just have to put all of my thoughts down or I’m going to explode)

so, Breaking Bad's sequel movie, El Camino… I’ve tried to like it so long, I’ve seen it 5 or 6 times, and the first few times I saw it I was firmly in denial and thought I enjoyed it even if I had a couple of arguments with it… but I’ve hit this tipping point where I just can't pretend anymore, and I just… hate this movie. and it seems like I shouldn't, right? being a Jesse lover I should be happy that he gets a hopeful, if slightly bittersweet, ending, right? because he does get a somewhat happy ending… right?

except… does he? like even when I was trying to force myself to like El Camino, I was a bit upset by the ending; it seems to be asking a lot of me to believe that Jesse is really getting a particularly hopeful “new beginning” when he’s still alone and without support and now can’t even ever confide in anyone without majorly risking revealing his identity and getting arrested. I also always felt that after the first half of the movie Jesse’s PTSD was kinda… downplayed? and I just have this feeling that might’ve been done with the purpose of making Jesse’s “hopeful” ending a lil more believable considering the circumstances, but I admit that particular aspect might just be in my head.

so that’s not great obviously, or at least it pokes a bit of a hole in the tone of El Camino’s ending for Jesse, but what really tipped me over the edge was realizing what the story communicates in presenting it’s ending as more hopeful and bittersweet instead of just kinda depressing. it communicates that what Jesse needs to do to have a happier life is just make the right choices from now on. BECAUSE YA KNOW, THIS DRUG ADDICTS PROBLEM WAS HE JUST WASN’T MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES!!!!

and I want to believe that this wasn’t intentional, I know the writers at least sympathize with Jesse, but there are scenes within El Camino that just make it really really hard for me to believe that on some level that isn’t what you’re supposed to take away from it, primarily this one -

and this scene which follows it a short time afterwards -

I think that we’re supposed to agree with what’s being said by the disappearer guy and Jesse in these scenes, that Jesse is in fact at least somewhat responsible for where he ended up. It’s hard for me to imagine that they’re scenes where you’re expected to say “oh fuck OFF!!” and “sweetheart I understand why you think that but no, they fucked up” at the screen respectively. 

now, it’s very in character for Jesse to say what he did to his parents. children who are neglected tend to blame themselves for their own hardships - and I bet Jesse also just wants to lessen the guilt that his parents might feel in general if he can cause he’s a sweet person… but I don’t understand why it was necessary to have the disappearer guy say what he said. he could have said any number of things besides “you made your own luck” to Jesse in response to Jesse not quite having enough money for an identity change, including something simple like the cost of his services is the cost of his services, no exceptions.

and since Vince Gilligan does seem to believe that there is possibly a perfect way to pull off the ending where Jesse did end up in jail even if he couldn’t write it himself I’m even more sure that he’s got a fundamental misunderstanding of the responsibility Jesse has in his actions and what might actually be useful for solving the problems Jesse does have. like yeah, Jesse’s gonna feel guilty whether or not his actions were in his reasonable control because he’s a person who cares about others getting hurt, but I’m sorry, is repentance the actual solution to that? really?

cause, tell me this; how is it useful in any way to continue to “hold Jesse accountable” for his actions by the end of Breaking Bad, isn’t the purpose of doing that to prevent someone from doing the same harmful things again? what is the point of this in Jesse’s case? the only genuinely shitty thing that was his full responsibility and was something that he had a reasonable choice to not do was his attempt to sell drugs to the rehab group, but GUESS WHAT!? Jesse snapped himself out of that idea without much of the way of people telling him it was bad to do. I think this is a lesson learned! and I keep using the term “reasonable choice” for a reason, and it’s because sometimes someone has a choice to do something sure, but it’s unreasonable to expect that every single person will make the “right” choice, like most of the worst things that Jesse does are because he is backed into a corner and/or being manipulated by Walt! oh and Jesse being a drug dealer in the first place? a) selling drugs to people who are seeking them out isn’t actually this massive act of harm long as you’re honest about what you’re selling, people will always use drugs and need to get them from somewhere, also alcohol is more toxic and kills more people than meth does, and b) so while Walt had the choice between selling meth and… accepting help from other people who think that they owe him anyway, Jesse had the choice between selling meth and poorly paying jobs, one of which we see offered is ACTUALLY humiliating, not just “ooh I have to accept help sometimes”, and actually he’d have to do this all while lacking support or help from anyone except maybe his friends who are still very involved in the drug trade because his parents are shitty fucking people who weren’t prepared or willing to have a child that wasn’t “normal”. and it's not like this makes anything that he did good or that he didn't do anything wrong I'm not suggesting that he's a perfect person, but I don't think that what he did is uniquely bad in any way.

and even if I’m wrong and the movie is actually trying to get across that Jesse didn’t USE to have choices but NOW he does I think… the ending still wraps it up badly and it still communicates a bad message. like why are we led to believe that Jesse is going to make different choices from now on? not only does he still have no outside support or resources, but he has LESS options in regards to acquiring those things than he had at the beginning of Breaking Bad and a FUCKTON of new PTSD on top of that. like I think it’s unlikely that Jesse is going to get back into the criminal world but instead of me thinking that because his life circumstances have actually improved in the ways that they should’ve it’s because he’s been through so much horrible trauma in the past that he’ll “know better”. Jesse received trauma that we’re sorta meant to interpret as him learning from, punishment that he learned from, so that now anything genuinely miserable coming up in his life will simply seem better than what he’s already been through, again rather than actually having resources to make his rough patches in life better. El Camino still puts all of the pressure onto Jesse alone to have a better life. and I think that ultimately leaves us with an ending that is bleaker than it wants to admit

I don’t know how I could write El Camino to have the happy ending for Jesse that I both want and think he deserves, at least I’ve not been able to come up with anything that feels believable enough, so sadly I think that the best way to fix it is by changing the tone of the ending so that it does feel bleaker. maybe add in a little more focus on Jesse’s PTSD and that he doesn’t really know how to deal with it later in the movie as well, but still keep in everything that show’s Jesse’s kindness, like him feeding the spider Todd was keeping and the scene with the beetle that always brings the Undertale quote “despite everything it’s still you” to mind. if nothing else I’d hope that it’d make people think about how nothing about Jesse’s life circumstances have changed in a way that actually will allow him to thrive, and feel upset about it because he continues to persist in being a caring person in a world that never wanted him to be.

#El Camino #Breaking Bad #BrBa #Jesse Pinkman #meat.txt #this is my girlfriend dont touch him #this is long but I'm refusing to put it under a readmore #also I'm gonna elaborate more on parts of this and it'll become my second video essay probably

[cripplecharacters]

Hello! Want to double check that I've done a decent job of avoiding disfiguremisia, and try to turn it into great counter to hatred instead of just an okay one.

Preface: I have a form of memory loss and likely brain damage so I cannot always phrase things clearly although I will try my best.

Personally I do not feel happy reading escapist stories as that happy ending is not achievable for real people. We don't get to live in a place that's completely safe and free from judgement. I'd like to write people in a hostile world who find love and safety and community, however this does necessite writing hostility. I want to make sure I'm doing so with care.

I would like to make sure that the hostility written as tension does not tar how I write how one of the main characters. He should be written with dignity and respect even when he is not being treated well by those around him.

One of my characters is blind and develops severe burn scars. He wears a blindfold to help with photophobia and sensory overwhelm, but takes it off when its dim. (CVI plus autism.)

While he does wear a cloth coverings in public due to ugly laws, he views it as a ridiculous requirement and happily removes this mask when with friends. He also enjoys that being visibly strange or somewhat unnerving to most people means that shallow people who judge by appearances avoid him.

Question: what other things might I be able to employ to counter disfiguremisia? I have him being content with his face as it tells a story of his life and he's a blunt, forward person, not covering his face for most of the story despite laws necessitating that he do so, and a few other things too (and many side characters with facial differences and deformities also).

Also none of the central plotlines centre around facial difference. He's joining a servant rebellion, befriending a bitter exile intent on status at all costs, and discovering the truth of history. (Also a mind controlling octopus being is involved and a semi sentient moon amalgam thing but don't worry about it everything's fine.)

I think later books will be a more effective counter due to lack of ugly laws and him finding a lovely interest. I will also do my best to make the counters feel real and feasible - I want it to feel like an achievable option for those who deal with prejudice in the real world. I want his happy ending to feel real.

I respect the hell out of escapist fantasies it's just that they do nothing for me personally. I really want to write someone dealing with a lot - more than I ever have - and coming out the other end happy. Yes this world is hostile and will judge me but I can find joy despite it all. Some say the world is universally cruel but I have not found this to be the case. It is wise to be wary but myself and friends can create small sections of time and space where no precautions are necessary. Am I not part of the world? Are not they? The world is not universally cruel as long as I and those I treasure live in and we are not extraordinary, simply uncommon, and what is uncommon is still a great bounty. (Something to that effect.)

I'm set on what I want to write but the specifics I'm more than happy to change in order to bring joy. Do you have ideas on how I can do this full idea full justice?

Hello,

before getting to your actual ask, I have a "few" questions about the premise of the story itself.

You mention that you don't like escapist fantasies - that's fair. Taste differs; you can write whatever and that's great. But I do find the insistence to write a story about a specific type of discrimination as an outsider rather strange. If you want to have facial difference representation, I assume you want to have readers with facial differences, correct? I mean, I don't think that many able-bodied people would be too interested in it specifically considering most don't know what it is. So okay, this is supposed to be a story of characters with facial differences overcoming centuries worth of hatred and all that. Arguably more, considering that disfiguremisia and ableism go all the way back to Biblical times.

Why are you the person who needs to tell this story?

Just as people with facial differences are readers, we can be authors as well. We tell our stories. I will take an #OwnVoices book over a one that isn't that any day, and this fact will influence the rest of this answer. I'm a firm believer in #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs and all when it comes to this stuff.

Have you talked to people with facial differences who would be interested in the kind of story you want to tell? Do you know what they want to see from an author that's not taking it from their own experience? I don't count here, because as I made clear before, I'm not and won't be interested in it. I also don't know anyone in the community who has ever said "I wish more people without our experiences wrote about how hard it is to be us!". You need to make sure there are people who want this.

So, have, or will you, reach out to those that could like it? Sensitivity readers, random people online who like to read about disfiguremisia in their free time, advocates who work on media-centric problems? Anyone who would enjoy it is automatically a better candidate to help than me. I'm too jaded, I suppose.

If you want to talk about people with facial differences in such detail and setting, you need to get to know us. One guy with a specific set of opinions from a blog on Tumblr isn't that (thank god), but I guess I can serve as a reminder that not everyone will be excited to read a book that represents them in some way. We still have preferences.

To write it, you need to involve yourself in the community, start actually spreading activism about our issues. Preach about Face Equality and celebrate when our once-a-year week happens in May. See what disfiguremisia causes. Share our efforts to get all the problematic garbage off the big screen. Read our stories. Understand us as people who are incredibly diverse, and that not all of us like to be described as strange or unnerving.

If you only want to talk about our suffering as some quota to fill on a "types of discrimination" list, it will always be flat and inauthentic, and if you don't put in the effort it's pointless. We don't want tragedy porn, and we don't need to be included in every story about struggles that just wants some brand-new type of bigotry in it. We want authors who care about us, the living and breathing people. And sometimes it might mean respecting our opinions on writing disfiguremisia.

Here is a great post by @writingwithcolor explaining the effects of tragedy exploitation. Not everything there applies, but I would consider it a very valuable read.

If you think about all this, and decide that you are ready to write such a heavy, community-based story, go ahead to...

Actual Answers! Hooray

what other things might I be able to employ to counter disfiguremisia?

Sympathize with him. Disfiguremisia is a tragedy, it's brutal and it hurts. It's traumatic and impossible to forget, even if it wasn't happening constantly just to remind us that it's still there. On this note, I would recommend you research writing characters with PTSD.

Have him think about it. Sometimes I get home after getting stared down on the street and just want to yell. You don't forget a microaggression or a hate crime after five minutes. Let him vent and let him be upset. He can have flashbacks or recall similar situations that happened in the past.

I'm glad that he's aware of disfiguremisia unlike a ton of characters who are somehow always unable to figure out that it's a problem. If the ableism he's facing is so systemic and severe, individual people will be even more extreme. You can have him remember that the shop owner was a slur-spitting bigot, or that his neighbors avoid even talking to him. I want him to call them out - in retrospective, at the moment, in his head, whatever - on what they're doing. Throw a "not this fucking thing again" or something in there.

The minimum is to make him feel like a human with an internal thought process, who is able to actually experience what's happening to him, and for it to have long-term effects.

Also, outside of the whole disfiguremisia thing and me being overdramatic, check out our #blindness tag, and research burn scar care. If you don't show the boring and mundane, it will only feel closer to tragedy porn; just a sad thing one after another.

I will also do my best to make the counters feel real and feasible - I want it to feel like an achievable option for those who deal with prejudice in the real world.

This I think is the part of the ask that made me the saddest, and not because of what you wrote. I tried to think of achievable ways; ways that we did it, tried to do it, and are doing it, and one-by-one I crossed them out as "didn't work", "no one cared enough" or "kinda worked but honestly, it didn't". Face Equality is basically non-existent, not matter how much it hurts me to admit it! We are trying our best, and it doesn't work. It's just plain hard for me to come up with suggestions for this.

In fiction, I suppose that personal resistance is the way when it comes to this. I don't think there are feasible systemic changes that could happen that don't border on magical thinking or get into the "singular glorious revolution that somehow fixes everything and everyone lived happy ever after. We fixed racism, yay!". This just sucks.He could try to educate the people who are willing to listen - that's somewhat what I'm trying to pull off here on this blog, I guess. Sometimes it works, often it doesn't, but in his situation it wouldn't hurt to try.

The fundamental part here will be whether your character is able to find a way to make the ordinary person care in the end. To me, society who still hates us just as much, with a small group that thinks we're okay isn't a happy ending. The opposite, rather. It's cold and isolating to know only your friends could value you as a human being, and downright sad to imply that we should be happy for that. I don't mean that everyone should love us in every story, but there's a difference between The Ableism being represented by an antagonist or two versus the entire world except for the main characters.

If you decide to go forward with this story, I do hope your other readers with facial differences enjoy it!

mod Sasza

[This ask was submitted before my announcement of not taking questions regarding this subject matter. As of publishing this, it still applies.]

#mod sasza #anonymous #face difference #disfiguremisia #tw ableism #long post

[yolowritter]

In Defense of Gabriel Agreste

Oh dear Kwami, I can't believe I'm actually doing this... I can't believe that it feels necessary. Before we begin, I want to make a huge clarification. I am NOT supporting any of Gabriel's actions AT ALL, especially anything done in Season 5. That's abuse, that's child neglect, that's grounds for calling CPS. I will never excuse that kind of thing, and frankly this isn't what I'm here to talk about. I simply want to state my opinion on how canon has absolutely ruined Gabriel as a character, and give my own perspective on our local supervillain, including an understanding of his reasons and how Gabriel devolves the way he does in the actual show. This is a mixture of headcannons I've had that are somewhat supported by canon, and I hope you all enjoy my little analysis piece.

First off, let's kick things into high gear by discussing Gabriel's themes. From the get-go of Bubbler, it's blindingly obvious that he serves as the "strict parent" antagonist to Adrien's quest for freedom and self-expression. As an archetype, this works quite well in a lot of stories and media, so I was fine with it when I watched the episode. Through the rest of Season 1, we quickly come to realize that Adrien's mother (and Gabriel's wife) is "missing", due to some reason or the other. At this point some may suspect his relation to Hawkmoth, but there's no legitimate evidence to go off of so we put a pin on that. During Simon Says, specifically Chat Noir and Gabriel's little interaction, we get to see that Adrien does hold some repressed anger against Gabriel because of how overprotective the man is, and then comes the fond remark of Emilie's flair for dramatics. It's a line so many of us have discussed or used in fanworks, but rarely do I see people talk about how Gabriel delivers it. The usually stoic personification of dissapointment seems to finally have some emotion in his voice, for the first really important moment of his character. Combine this with the earlier talk between him and Ladybug, where he praises Adrien and seems genuinely proud of his son for keeping up with all the activities/modeling/etc. Therefore, we get a good general idea of who Gabriel Agreste actually is. A grieving father who has lost his partner to "mysterious circumstances", and is trying to protect his son from any kind of harm. Sure, he's going about it the wrong way and is definately overdoing it, but the act itself doesn't come from a place of malice. Keep this in mind as we move forward.

In Season 2, we start off with the episode Collector. And learn that Gabriel is Hawkmoth. Because of course he is, Adrien is one of the titular characters in the show, naturally the writers want to pull a Luke Skywalker at some point. "I am your father" and all that, we've seen it a million times before. Still, this brings up the question of why? Sure, Gabriel is an asshole. That's very obvious by this point, even though we don't have enough information to truly cast judgement on his reasoning for such behavior. But there's a significant gap between "overprotective single parent who stifles their child" and "local butterfly man who has beef with teenage superheroes". Therefore, this reveal immediately has alarm bells ringing as to what Gabriel's motive is. In a later episode, we have the Gorizilla Incident. And this is where he finally becomes a much more complex, much better character! Because Hawkmoth has captured Ladybug. She's right there, helpless, and all he has to do is either show up and steal her Miraculous, or just wait until she loses her transformation and then take the earrings. His arch nemesis, the person who has been preventing him from accomplishing whatever his goals are...is at his mercy. But...there's a problem. His son is also on the field of battle, and just jumped off a building. Wonderful! Without the slightest bit of hesitation, Gabriel releases Ladybug, therefore saving Adrien's life at the cost of the Miraculous. And much later, during Queen Wasp, Hawkmoth genuinely ponders if he's done more harm than good by trying to defeat the Heroes of Paris. (Side Note: I don't actually remember if we'd seen Emilie in the pod by this point, but whatever.) He would have quit, hung up the suit, and lived out his days as Gabriel Agreste. Miserably maybe, but he would have stuck to that choice. No more Hawkmoth. Until...he gets the chance to Akumatize a Miraculous Holder. And if you want to rewatch this scene, notice the mania in Gabriel's eyes. This extreme emotional reaction is the complete opposite of what we've seen from the man so far (dramatic monologues aside), and the chance at victory rips Gabriel's sanity away from him. Cue Queen Wasp, and later Scarlet Moth.

But I want to stick to this moment for a second. Queen Wasp takes place directly after Style Queen, in which Adrien gets turned into a gold statue. And sure, the show can tell us all it wants about how "he's been turned to dust" or some bs, but we all know Adrien is dead right now. And Gabriel knows it too. This is literally the reason why he tries to convince himself that he shouldn't be Hawkmoth anymore. Because he finally understands what kind of harm he's been doing. By this point it's like the 3rd time that Adrien is in immediate proximity to an Akuma and promptly gets bodied by said Villain, specifically because of Hawkmoth. I do not care what Season 5 says, Gabriel Agreste loved his son with every last shred in that broken, shattered fragment of a heart that was left after Emilie's death, and he shows it very clearly on multiple occassions. He even tries to connect with Adrien again, and has a genuine moment when they watch Emilie's movie together. Gabriel, for all his supervillainy and prancing about in a butterfly costume, seems to be healing throughout Season 2. So why does it only get worse from here?

Well...this is where my headcanons come in to fill the void. Obviously I could go on a tangent about the writers here, but I don't care enough to waste my breath on that again. Swiftly moving past that, I honestly think Gabriel suffers from Tunnel Vision during this show. And yeah that's not a "condition", but think about this for a second. Nooroo warns that there are terrible consequences for misusing a Miraculous in Origins, and the show...never follows up on this? Well, that's weird. Unless the consequences are mental. A deterioration of the self, in a way. Consider: a good portion of the fandom already talks about Gabriel and Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth/Monarch as different people sometimes. What if that's literal? What if that's the consequence? Gabriel was depressed, desperate and heartbroken after Emilie's demise, but according to a cutscene from Miraculous Rise of the Sphynx (and I swear to God why didn't they put this in the actual show???) Gabriel and Nathalie actually spent around a year looking for the Ladybug and Cat Miraculous before deciding to use the Butterfly. It was Gabriel's last resort. And look at how Hawkmoth acts in Season 1. He's...well, he's acting. Playing the role of a villain to lure them out and defeat them, knowing full-well (at least after Stoneheart) that Ladybug can fix pretty much anything he destroys if she wins, and he can just do the same if she's defeated. Gabriel has a safety net, he's acting the part of an evil villain, complete with dramatic monologues and "curse you Perry the Platypus" moments after ever defeat. Then in Season 2, he knows the jig is up. The stakes are too high and this Hawkmoth bs is hurting the one piece of Emilie that he has left...so Gabriel decides to quit.

And this is where the corruption comes in. During "Feast" in Season 3, Hawkmoth re-states his goal of "taking all the Miraculous!" Uh...hold on just a second. Didn't Gabriel only need the Ladybug and Cat? Yes, exactly. That's why the events of the show even happen to begin with. So why has it now changed to all the Miraculous, if the rest are useless in terms of bringing Emilie back? Well, Gabriel's thirst for power is slowly corrupting his mind. Hawkmoth is officially in control by this point, and it gets much, much worse from here. With Mayura at his side, Hawkmoth has a real person to care about, and take care of. Nathalie supports him, keeps Gabriel afloat in this ocean of despair that they're both slowly drowning in.

But what happens when Mayura can't be there anymore? What happens when Gabriel (now as Shadowmoth) spends hours upon hours inside that dark lair, deliberating his victory? It becomes his sole focus. What tiny specks of humanity were still left inside of this hollow shell called Gabriel Agreste have been devoured by a beast that hungers for only one thing. Power. Emilie is no longer loved by him, barely even remembered to begin with. Now instead of genuine heartbreak over his wife's loss, Shadowmoth is using her as an excuse to keep going. He rationilizes it all to himself, saying "this is for my family" and "they will understand" to hide from the very obvious fact that neither Emilie or Adrien would ever stand for this. His ambitions have stripped Gabriel of all sense and sanity, leaving behind a madman simply wearing his skin. The last time we ever see even a flicker of clarity in his head is during Glaciator 2.0, when Adrien is about to be Akumatized. But this is also the biggest indication that it's almost too late for Gabriel, because has to think about it. Sure, he doesn't actually Akumatize Adrien, but even since Chat Blanc it's become perfectly clear that he can and will go through with that to get an advantage over Ladybug. Here, Shadowmoth considered Akumatizing him anyway, even with just the usual chances of winning.

And in Ephemeral (I'm pretty sure, could be just before or after), Nooroo's worst fears have finally come to pass. Gabriel affirms that he wants to destroy the entire world using the Wish. And then re-shape it into one where he's the top dog, by extension making the Agrestes like the Supreme. Gabriel has gone completely off the rails by this point. I'd even argue that the person he was only a few months ago (don't get me started on that timeline btw) is dead. Gone, burried six feet under along with his wife, because Gabriel Agreste would never do something like this. Monarch just makes everything even worse, especially with Evolution. Just like Nathalie said, he had the perfect chance to warn his past self about the Peacock being broken. Step in the portal, detransform, explain that he's Gabriel, then tell them "hey so the recipe to fix it is on this page of the Grimoire, you need to do this before Emilie makes Adrien" and that's it. But he just ignores it completely because of his obsession, hence proving the point I'm trying to make.

To circle back to the beginning of this post, I am perfectly fine with how Gabriel's character devolves and spirals into madness across the show. It's a cool plotline, could have been really interesting if the writers bothered to explore it but even with only what we have, I'd say it adds a ton of depth to his character! Or...would, if they bothered to explain this! Like seriously, you can pretty easily infer than something of the sort is happening, especially in later seasons. Just give Nathalie or Nooroo one or two scenes where they are worried about Gabriel going insane! Especially Nooroo, give the poor guy a few lines trying to warn Shadowmoth like "Master, please! You need to think about what you're doing! Can't you see this isn't you anymore?" or something of the sort. Sure, it doesn't have to be so on the nose, but you get my point! Instead they did nothing with this amazing idea that's already there because they wrote it by accident! And guess what? Gabriel goes from a sympathetic villain in Season 2 to an utter maniac who locks his "beloved" son in an insane asylum during Season 5!

Like are you kidding me??? What alternate universe did I get dropped into where this is the "logical" followup to Hawkmoth's storyline? One of the only things Gabriel even had going for him in terms of complexity was his genuine love towards Adrien! And like I said, I'd be fine if this how they wanted to make things and play the "tragic villain consumed by a lust for power" card! For Nooroo's sake, it's dangling right in front of them like a carrot on a stick! But instead of making the slightest bit of effort and explain that this is happening, or that it's an intentional plotpoint for Gabriel's character, their innaction just reduces him to a one-dimensional "evil because he's the villain" cardboard cutout! Believe me, I love unapologetically evil characters, who do the worst things for funsies! But Gabriel Agreste can never be that type of bad guy because you set up an entire storyline about his poor wife who died because adoption is apparently illegal in this universe! Don't get me started on Emilie Agreste, she's getting a rant of her own soon enough! But come on, would it kill you to at least try and give your villains some depth???

Thomas, do you want me to have a stroke? An aneurysm? To keel over dead like Gabriel's character development? Should I maybe put a fridge in my basement for good measure? And do not talk to me about the "tell Adrien how good a father I was" bs the finale had in it! Just- just don't touch that with a ten foot pole! But...I will admit, there is a very interesting direction they can take Gabriel's character now that he's dead. Because sure, he's now a one-dimensional asshole that screamed in his basement a lot before beating up a cat(bug)girl and dropping dead, but hey! Gabriel Agreste can haunt the narrative now! Have Lila use reunion to talk to him! Have Marinette be tormented by the stupid promise she made! Have Adrien be conflicted over how Gabriel treated him! Give us an existential crisis because "the hero who defeted Monarch" doesn't match up with the abusive asshole Adrien has known for the past year! Gabriel Agreste's character has been utterly trainwrecked by the writers' refusal to explain anything about him beyond a superficial "boo hoo my wife keeled over". Yeah buddy, so what? You can at least be interesting about it!

Anyway, I'm going to go cool off and make another draft for how to fix this idiot's character development. Or you know, give him some in the first place because he's lost it all. I'll see you all soon with an "In offense to Emilie Agreste" post, but until then, Stay Miraculous everyone!

#miraculous ladybug #gabriel agreste #character analysis #rant post #yolo rants #listen I have a vision #and it's of a gabriel that doesn't suck #i mean to be fair #it's of a chloe/lila/gabriel/emilie/literally-the-whole-show that doesn't suck #but i'll take what i can get #no offense to gabriel fans #not that you guys exist #but like #hypothetically speaking #if such people were real #ramblings #i'll go insane #one of these days i will #and tomas astruc will be sorry #actually i'll force him to pay my therapy bills #but yeah #gabriel agreste better haunt this damn narrative #or i'm going to haunt the miraculous writers' room #anyway... #i'll see myself out

[loupy-mongoose]

That last piece aaaaaaaah beautiful and sweet, really captures how Lav feels about Randy :D

Also I love how you colour and shade everything, how do you do it? Do you think you could record a speed paint or something? What brushes do you use? Canvas size? How do you painstakingly colour within the lines? What device do you use?

Sorry for so many questions in one ask, I’m really curious lol. Hope you can answer these! No rush :3

First off, thank you so much!

I use Procreate on iPad, which has a handy-dandy little feature where it automatically records everything you do on a canvas, and you can create a time lapse of it. So, yes, I can give a speed paint. :3

(Yes I painted this specifically for this ask.) For comics (and this painting sample), I use a canvas that's 1813X2263. For doodle dumps and other less dedicated projects, I use a 1955X2357 canvas, rotating as I want or need to. If I have a bigger project I want to do, I start with Procreates "Square" canvas default (2048X2048) and crop as I need to as I work.

I've been sticking to this Jingsketch brush set for a while now, though I've modified some to make them more comfortable. As of now the set is free to download. (There appears to be a larger Jingsketch set that costs about $15--I may get that someday lol)

For smudging of shadows and markings, I use the Jingsketch "Jittery Smudge".

Alright, prepare for a thorough rundown of the time lapse. X3

As for how I color, the video shows my two most used methods. I do the Momo method when I want it to look a little neater or smoother, and the Midas method for when I don't care how unpolished it looks and just want to show a colored image.

For flats (the solid red seen in the video) I do it on a layer under the lines. I usually put all the flats on one layer, but this time I did their flats on separate layers for demonstration purposes, and merged them once they were both filled.

For Momo, I colored by drawing just inside the lines, erasing what went outside. Then used a Freehand (or equivalent) selection tool to fill in the inside. This is the more time consuming but smooth of the two methods, in my opinion.

For Midas, I specifically drew the outer lines thicker so that I could use the "automatic" (I guess that's "wand" in other programs? I'm not sure) selection to do a quick fill. This method will usually leave the colors with a hard, semi-unappealing edge. (Feathering the selection a little or smudging the flats can probably help with that, but I don't do that very often.)

What I do is select the OUTSIDE of the lines, expand the "Selection Threshold" so that it barely selects JUST outside the lines, then invert the selection so that it filles everything INSIDE the lines. With this method you need to be careful to get all the negative zones as well--I didn't think about demonstrating that in this painting, so here a mini-tut on that.

For the actual colors, I usually do each color on a separate layer set as a "Clipping Mask" to the flats layer. Eyes usually get a layer of their own--The iris colors and pupil (if present) get the Clipping Mask treatment until I'm satisfied with them and merge them into one eye layer.

For shading, I'll fill an entire layer, still Clipped to the flats, with my color of choice, usually set it to the Multiply blend mode, and adjust the opacity as I want. I usually shade the main body separately from the eyes, but try to match the blend mode and opacity settings.

For more high-effort projects, I'll fill a layer with a solid color under the shadow layer but above all the other colors so that I have a better idea of the shapes. Colors like on Midas here can really badly mess with the perception of the shapes and shadow locations. I may also add more Multiply layers if necessary.

And that's my lengthy and extensive look into how I paint~ Keep in mind this is MY process, and I admit I work in a rather quick, dirty, and even somewhat lazy way. So take what you will from this, and go arting as YOU please! ^w^

#kittydragonart #ask #art #babbies #tutorial #info

[thelikesoffinn]

Hello! I keep browsing the tavstarion tag and asks from you blog keep coming up, and every time they do I enjoy the hells out of reading them. All the Astarion asks got me thinking though, and as I'm in the process of writing a fic, I figured I'd ask your thoughts (out of curiosity).

First thing's first: I understand Astarion's trauma responses are very... prickly, for lack of a better word. My question is how you think he would deal with a Tav who has a very people-pleasing response. For example, focusing entirely on anyone else's problems and completely neglecting their own, or only being able to say "no" when in such acute distress that they physically cannot give any more.

The second part (because I am guessing his response, based on how he's reacted in-game and also from reading your analyses) is how he might react to learning that that people-pleasing response is because of trauma they went through, either in their teens or young adulthood. How might that recontextualize some of his earlier assumptions? Do you think he would have any mixed feelings?

I wanted to write a Tav that's internal and solitary, who thinks they're "over" the trauma that happened to them. I thought the dynamic of someone who's been coping for years and has distance in comparison to Astarion who literally only just got out of his situation was interesting.

Hiya dear!

I'm happy you like the asks, haha, although I must admit hearing that they're very noticeable amongst the Tavstarion things is making me self conscious! 🫠

When it comes to people pleasing - or fawning, as it's also called - I think we can all sort of guess how Astarion would react. The boy isn't secretive about his displeasure regarding all things "noble" and I'm sure that, at first, the respect he holds for your Tav will be very low.

The thing is: When we see someone whose initial response is to fawn, we don't automatically default to trauma. Most people are far more likely to just view them as a really good and kind person or, especially in work settings, as a suck up. It takes time to realise that, hey, maybe Jeff from accounting actually just can't say no.

I don't think it will be different with Astarion. (In fact, out of all the companions, Wyll might actually be the most likely to notice that your Tav is having a hard time saying no.)

Depending on your Tav's general attitude, Astarion might default them to yet another kind hearted do-gooder that runs around the world with childish naïveté and that? That is a sitting duck.

To act 1 Astarion, kindness relates to weakness.

And weakness is something he can exploit easily.

As we all know, Astarion craves safety, which is why he latches onto Tav to begin with. And if Tav's someone who others listen to AND who seems easy to manipulate? Fuck yeah. That's an in if he's ever seen one.

If Tav is prone to saying yes to anything and prone to avoiding conflict, he won't even need to do much to get them to do his bidding. The right words, some puppy dog eyes and a hint at what he wants done, and they'll go and do it without protest. Add a couple of compliments, and he'll have them wrapped around his finger. That is exactly what he needs to be safe, and he'll not be shy of making use of it.

And I think it would be somewhat amusing to him, to see Tav try that hard to make everyone happy because he, quite plainly, doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why someone would care that much about others because to him, his own survival and happiness is what matters the most. Everyone else be damned if necessary.

(Just a tad bit presumptuous, seeing as he himself tends to salute and follow orders at the cost of his own personal boundaries if the person he deems the leader demands it - i.e. the Araj Oblodra bite - but let's let the poor guy have his delusions.)

Once he grows closer to Tav, his former amusement will likely quickly turn to frustration. In Act 3, we learn that Astarion is extremely loyal and, apparently, rather protective.

Part of why he insists on ascending for so long is not just for him - he wants to be able to protect Tav, and he thinks his spawn self is not enough to accomplish that. (This is highlighted by the fact that romanced Astarion is much more insistent on ascending than one you're only friendly with.)

Tav is important to him. They're his person and watching them bend over backwards for everybody and their mothers prostitute before thinking of themselves is probably not going to sit well with him.

He doesn't care about other people, but he cares about them, so he wants them taken care of.

BUT Astarion is not versed in the art of caring for others, not the best at communicating - he's trying, we can see that over the course of the game, but it'a process that takes time - and he is very prone to frustration, so I wouldn't be surprised to see his worry mostly expressed through sniding remarks, sarcasm and arguments.

Once he realises WHY Tav is the way they are...well, that is a bit difficult to pinpoint down, because it has a lot to do with his own mental state at the time. How he views himself and his trauma will reflect on how he views them.

An act 1 Astarion who is still very raw, very afraid and very much in pain might be somewhat disgusted and deny the very obvious similarities between the two of them.

Tav was hurt. People had hurt them and yet they're still trying to appease everyone. They're always doing whatever anyone asks of them without hesistation, even when they clearly shouldn't. How much of a pushover can one person be? Don't they have any self respect? It's pathetic.

It sounds cruel - it is cruel - but, in th end, he's not truly talking to Tav here. He probably sees part of himself, the part that jumped when Cazador said so, the part that listened to every order just so that he wouldn't have to suffer. He sees the part of him that grovelled, the part that gave up.

The part he hates the most.

(Fun fact: My least favourite state of healing to work with, because clients can actually be really difficult during that time.)

A more stable Astarion, however, could actually reevaluate a lot of Tavs behaviour. He might see them less as a naive child and more for what they are: Someone, who's trying to live.

They don't want to get hurt again, so they try to not offend anyone. They'd rather be stressed and tired and overworked than suffering again. They're not uselessly kind, they're not stupidly selfless - they're scared.

What he does with his body, they do with acts of service. They're protecting themselves in the only way they know how.

That realisation could somewhat mellow him and, most prominently, it can give him a sense of community.

It's a bit difficult to explain, but people who have experienced abuse and are now in the process of healing might start to experience a sense of community with those who had similar fates. Not in the sense of: "Let me bare my soul and dump my trauma onto you now - so when I was 12, my dad..." but in a very specific, comfortable way.

It creates a sense of understanding, if you will.

It means that the other person understands, even when you don't say anything. You don't need to fight; to explain yourself - they understand. They might not understand all of you, but they understand enough not to let it cloud their judgement. You'll be alright and they understand.

So Astarion won't need to tell Tav every little thing, he won't need to explain every reaction, every misbehaviour, every slip up. He won't need to fight for his right to be quiet, sad, angry or sulky.

He won't need to explain because even if he doesn't, they'll know that he has his reasons, and they'll be there when he's ready to talk.

Anyway! Those two options are really just a few of all the reactions he could potentially have, because, as I said, it's so hugely dependant on where he is mentally and how he views Tav, himself, his past, etc... It's really difficult to narrow down properly.

The dynamic you have chosen is really, really bursting with potential - both for drama and healing - and I hope it's as fun and rewarding to write as I imagine! ✨️

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate #baldurs gate #astarion #astarion x tav #astarion ancunin

[elvenbeard]

2077, November

"Heeey... All good? What're you doing out here, so early?"

"Couldn't sleep... Wanted to watch the sun rise."

"Well, here I am!"

2077 was a hell of a year. It left its marks, mental and physical, trauma and scars alike, memories and lack thereof. A year ago Vince was working at Arasaka, desperate to stay in the corporate world despite it slowly destroying him from the inside out. A year later Arasaka is only a shadow of it former self - and in a way Vince felt like a shadow, too.

Six months had been Alt's prognosis, at most... then he'd die. For good this time. Vince knew the drill. But he also knew he would try everything in his power, utilize all means possible and necessary... Because yes, 2077 had been one hell of a year, of loss, despair, betrayal and pain... But also of hope, trust, friendship and love, and connections, however unlikely they may have seemed.

The road ahead is still long, and it will be far from easy. But he is at peace knowing he won't be walking it alone.

Vince through the years (9/9)

Aaand the series is complete! ;A; Ending it on a somewhat bittersweet note with a few of more pictures this time cause look at them looking at each other ;___;

Vince has always been a deeply lonely person trying to find his place and purpose - as you'll surely have gathered reading along this far. By 2077 he finally finds his people, real friends in the most unlikely places, that he cares about and that care about him. And after how badly his previous relationship with his Arasaka-coworker Shou ended, he wouldn't have expected to get another shot at love, too. I definitely feel like he found a soulmate in Kerry, very scared in the beginning that his feelings for him were only brought on because of Johnny, and should he get rid of Johnny he'd also lose the connection to Kerry. He didn't though, thankfully. Vice versa, Kerry found someone who really understands his loneliness and struggles and takes them seriously. They really match very well on many levels and bring out the best in the other (on most days at least :P), something I neither planned for nor expected, and probably why I'm so obsessed with them at the moment XD They really are each other's sun, driving away shadows and doubts, a light in the darkness.

But yeah, Vince has a lot to lose really, and together with Kerry and everyone else they try and find a way to solve the Relic-problem so now that he found his place and people he can stay with them, live the balance of quiet and exciting life he deserves and always wished for.

The scars I gave him here (and damn, it hurt me to make them 😭) are not 100% canon yet... I'm gonna explore and explain what they are and how he got them in my post-ending fic soon-ish.

But yeah... V gets his happily ever after with his loved ones, in one way or another, and CDPR can take my headcanons from my cold dead hands xDD No but really, I get it. In a world like Cyberpunk there's no such thing as a sunshine-and-rainbows happy ending with world peace and all... and even mine is gonna come at a certain cost. But if anyone, V deserves some peace and love after that shitshow :D

That being said:

Before and after! The scars are drawn on, and I used the relief layer effect in Photohsop to give them some dimension. Was really a matter of playing around with colors and layer modes to make them somewhat convincing looking, but I'm really liking the result a lot!

Once again it gets me how different Vince looks without his iconic hair and makeup 😭 Believe me, he had a really really hard time when he was told "we gotta shave your head for this procedure" cause throughout his life his hair has been a really important part of his self-expression. From dyeing it blond as a teen to rebel against his parents, to going completely wild afterwards, conforming to Arasaka, then slowly finding himself again... With everything gone he felt like yet another part of him was gone and yeah... wasn't a good time, that time in late 2077.

If you've read along all the way: thanks so much!! I hope you enjoyed this series as much as I enjoyed creating it and sharing a bit more about Vince's background and how he became who he is. When I'm done writing my post-ending fic I might go back to writing and sharing his background story fic, detailing everything from this series a bit more, and you'll get to know some of the people I only mentioned in passing (his mother, his first real boyfriend, his coworkers, etc.) a bit better, too.

So... Thanks for sticking around!! :D

#cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk vp #cp2077 vp #cyberpunk 2077 vp #virtual photography #cyberpunk v #cyberpunk kerry #male v cyberpunk #male v #kerry eurodyne #kerry eurodyne x v #cyberpunk 2077 spoilers #otp: to bad decisions #vincent ezaki #shippy saturday #vince through the years #my vp #so sad and happy at the same time that it's finished 😭😭😭 #sad on the one hand bc I had a lot of fun with the format #happy that I finished a little project and can now get a new one started :3 #I'll make an overview post with links to every part of this once again I think just because #but yeah: if you've read along from the start thanks so much <3

[iamlittlelostsoul]

Love can hurt sometimes...

yey! am finally finishing all your req!!! although this sorta ended up sorta like a collab between the two of us. Thank youuuu @whatevermywpis >< for giving me this idea and helping me write this Xddd

I hope you along with everyone else enjoy it!!!<33 I'm so sorry for not updating for so long school had me on a noose xdd but i'm free now for a whilee :DD

not me recycling my malleyuu drafts that's been rotting for ages lol xdd

Pairing: Silver x gn!cursed!reader

Theme: Romance and Angst

Overview: "shush, now love....I know I know but I can't help it. I love you and I can't give it up even if it costs my life. Aw, please don't cry smile for me just one last time...please?"

______________________________________________________________

Silver has heard tons about you from their dorm leader Malleus

It all started with Malleus finding out and meeting with a person that actually lives in the cold abandoned Ramshackle dorm.

Then he goes missing and comes back with the brightest grin on his face as he talks about the things he did with his newfound friend.

It was an adorable sight how Malleus was over the moon talking about his human friend to Lilia, Sebek, and himself. And to Malleus love and excitement he decided to introduce them to his new human friend he's been talking about.

And you were exactly how he imagined from the fae prince's stories.

"Hello, I'm [Mc]! It's really nice to meet you all" they cheerily greet them with a polite bow.

Surprisingly he managed to stay awake the whole time and somewhat and someway you two became closer and you were patient enough to not get mad at him whenever he randomly falls asleep, you'd even go so far and let him sleep on your lap.

Which deepens and strengthens the bonds you two share.

You two have been meeting up often, helping in school tasks, events, or simply just dining together of course you two still include Malleus and the other two. And Malleus is pretty happy that his friend's been getting along with his two retainers and Lilia.

Lilia's been giving him weird looks not the bad kind whenever he was to be with you alone or with the others. He believes Lilia and sometimes Malleus's been scheming something as they hang out with you they'd often excuse themselves yet leave him behind with you....not that he minded it though.

You were nice and sweet and a very fun person to hang out with, you were patient and knowledgeable even when you happen to not belong from their world you seemed to fit in naturally.

Time and time again he always felt so different when he's with you. No it's definitely not the bad kind! It's more nice and comfortable probably something more than just friends.

"You like them." Lilia says with a smug grin interrupting his thoughts.

"I do" Silver says unhesitantly.

"No no romantically~" Lilia says in a rather teasing tone.

"I do?" Silver says cocking his head to the side he's not sure if this is a question to himself or to Lilia...but a part of him sorta knew he does like them. No- he loves them. He always did and now that he realizes it he can't stop the red hues spreading across his cheeks which earned a small chuckle from Lilia.

His heart beats aloud. Ever since Lilia mentioned it, ever since he realized his true feelings. His heart kept pounding so hard that he kinda fears you can hear it every time you and he hangs out.

Lilia and Malleus has been pushing him to go confess. And they've been doing everything necessary to console him that they definitely like him back too. They've even helped set up a date so he could confess his feelings to the [girl/boy] he likes.

The only issue is he couldn't somehow muster his courage to confess much to Lilia and Malleus annoyance (they're not mad just a lil stressed they're playing the long game).

Several times passed by and he finally somehow gained courage in doing so after a long sermon from Sebek on how he's stressing out Malleus-sama yada yada yada.

It was past Midnight and they met up by the garden behind Ramshackle dorm. Their usual hangout place.

"Silver hey!! How's your day been?" They gingerly asks him.

Silver smiled at the sight. He could barely see them and he can't help but be a lil mesmerized at the sight of his beloved laying flat on the grass their face leaning to the side covering half of their face as they remain staring at the fireflies dancing on a row of Dasies, the light from the fireflies and moonlight illuminating their figure and he felt as if he fell for them once again. "Oh...same as usual" he chuckles as he sat beside them.

They stayed like that for several minutes, silent although not awkward but rather comforting.

"Soo...I would like to tell you something" they both spoke in unison startling them and made them chuckle.

"You go first" They said.

"No No you first!" Silver says back.

"Ehh?? No you first!"

They sat there in silence for a moment before Silver takes a deep breath and broke the silence

"So..."

"So?"

"I...have something to confess"

"go on" they urged him.

"I like...no love you" he confesses.

"..."

"..."

"It's ok if you don't like me back...I just wanted to get this off my chest" he says as he watches their features get a lil startled.

"No no! Silver....I...love you too." they said covering their face as it gets a tint of red but something in their eyes shows a hint of sadness.

"You don't have to force yourself to like me." he mutters.

"No no!! It's complicated...I do love you...it's just that..." *they take a sharp breath. "I'm cursed..."

Silver took a moment to process their words. "You're...cursed?" he repeats as his eyes widens and his mouth went hanging open.

They nod as they sat up and face him.

"...How heavy is it? Maybe we could find a cure, I'm sure Malleus-sama and fath-err Lilia-sama is willing to help." He says his eyebrows creasing as he looked at them filled with worry. He felt a tightness in his chest as he awaits for them to answer his question...on the back of his mind he could already tell where this is going.

"I don't really recall when or where I got it...but it's definitely not here in NRC or the day I arrived here. But umm...It can't be cured.."

"It...can't?"

They nods. " It can't..."

"B-...but...don't say that! I'm sure we'll find something! There's a plenty of books and spells here i'm sure one of them will be the cure."

"It can't....that to make it simpler I'm sorta allergic to magic..." they said as they looked away placed a handkerchief on their cheek and wipes away some concealer revealing some dark heavy cracks like tattoed on their skin. He could already tell it's covering them from head to toe with how heavy it looks.

Silver stares...he couldn't muster a word...Allergic to magic?...what how?...but-....

"yeah...i'm sorry. It's none of your fault, I promise. I love hanging out with you and everybody else Malleus, Lilia, Sebek, Ace and Deuce and all of them!" They said.

Silver could tell they were trying to keep a brave face for him...and it hurts...he should have said it sooner...he should have done more with them...he should have notice something was wrong and found a cure immediately...but it's all too late. He couldn't utter a word...his face remain stiff and his heart felt as if it's being squeezed the life out of it.

'It hurts' he thought. 'They must be hurting really badly and I couldn't do a thing' he thought once more as he unclenches and clenches his fist his head hanging low and thank seven he is sitting down if not he might have stumbled and fell.

"Don't be down Silver...I really don't blame any of you..Not you, Malleus, our friends who overblotted, or anyone else. It's my choice to remain close with you guys...I love hanging out with you all and most especially I love you." They said as they cup his cheeks, their eyes gets watery and it wavers as it stares at his.

"I don't want you gone..."

"I don't wanna leave either"

"How long....how longer do you think you'll last" he managed to say his chest felt so stuffy and it's so hard to breath but he tries...he tries so hard to keep a straight face to not worry them and hurt them further.

"...not so longer than several more minutes" they hesitantly said as they leaned their head on his chest.

They stayed silent for a while with Silver hugging them in his arms, his head hanging low on their shoulder nuzzled on their neck.

"Will you kiss me?" They said their hand digging on his silvery locks.

"Yes" He answers back with no hesitation as he leans away for a bit and stares at their eyes longingly.

He presses his lips on theirs, he felt them gasp their body stiffen for a moment before relaxing. They kiss and it felt like time stopped and everything around them disappears. Silver watches them as their eyes flutter shut as their body shivers with delight as he deepens the kiss.

It felt as if it was just the two of them their fingers laced together while his other hand wrapped around their waist and theirs on the back of his head pulling him closer desperately as if their life depends on him. If only it was then maybe they would have lived longer.

The kiss lasted for about a minute...before he felt their body go cold and the hand holding onto him goes limp.

He kisses them back awaiting for their response. None.

He kisses them again and squeezes their hand pulling them closer, yet they didn't answer back.

Ah, it looks like he can't keep his poker face on anymore. Tears gently falling as he held their corpses that slowly turns into dust, no more was the person he fell in love with. No more was their laughter, their playful bantering, their voice... it so quiet now.

"It feels so simple... loving you, always..."

"It feels so painful... I hate it so much."

Love is such a lovely thing...so mysterious, so sudden...but sadly not all love ends with a happy ending...it can really really hurt sometimes....

#disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst #twst mc #twst wonderland #littlelostsoul #twst angst #twst imagines #twst silver #silver x mc #silver x reader #twst cursed mc #silly me hehe #hehe hi #oh no #help lol

[beautifulpersonpeach]

That Billboard article disproves every single batshit crazy theory about Jimin and Billboard that PJMS have been getting high on all year. It was a shitty article but if there's one silver lining that comes from it it's that we now have a better idea of what went down with FACE and its no surprise his solo stans are partly to blame.

***

It's interesting how these things always turn out, isn't it. At the time when I was writing paragraphs on end, right from the first mention of money raised, talking about how solo stans are extremely myopic and tend to have close to zero sense of ordered thinking and consequences, and that PJMs are unfortunately the loudest of the bunch, it probably seemed like I was being dramatic lmao. And when I mentioned the obvious history Billboard has with the tannies and HYBE, that too for some reason felt too hard to believe for certain factions of people here. And then when I mentioned why a pivot by BigHit, though slow and inadequate, could've made sense to be their next step, people too couldn't see past their akgae theories to grasp other obvious reasons why that was now necessary again given recent history. Billboard has played this game before and the collateral damage is always the boys and the fandom, but this time around I only hope Jimin is somehow spared the worst of it. Solos are usually useful idiots but this time around, their lack of understanding about the environment the tannies operate in, could have real cost and directly counteract their goals of Jimin getting certain season-end recognitions.

ARMYs have seen this happen before so it's somewhat expected and less infuriating to see now. It's still all just a bit sad and such a shame really.

Anyway, I can feel your frustration but there's no point whining over spilled milk, as they say. I suggest you channel your anger into continuing to support the guys. You didn't ask, but I'd suggest: (1) Stream FACE and the other releases, (2) watch any of their content you've previously bookmarked to see, (3) find like-minded ARMYs to destress with, (4) go out into the real world and do something fun and/or productive. I have a feeling we'll be playing this game all over again in 2024, but for different reasons and with a new grudge.

#bts #bangtan #billboard #jimin #bts chapter 2 #bang pd #fun times #if the fandom hasn't fully imploded by then lool

[apollos-boyfriend]

im writing an au that is supposed to include everyone in the dsmp. but i am a humble enjoyer and dont know about lots of characters, purpled included. can i get a guidebook to writing cpurpled? any tropes to avoid, motivations you see people getting wrong, etc?

okay so. purpled is Interesting bc there's a lot of depth to his character in the sense that he himself is not self-aware of his own actions/wants, making for there being three purpleds: the purpled that he shows to others, the purpled he feels he is, and the true purpled he himself isn't even fully aware of. and depending on how deep you wanna explore into his character, that third one likely won't even come into play, because that is more of an instance of a character study/purpled-centric piece, but i'll go over it anyways, just in case! splitting this into parts below the cut to make categorizing things a bit easier :]

first, the basics:

purpled has a very. unique way of talking. in serious moments, he's calm, collected, and intimidating, and will act like you'd expect a broody teenaged mercenary to. most of the time, though, his speech pattern is the world's most ungodly mixture of teenage boy and starving victorian orphan.

in fight or flight, he chooses fight 100% of the time, even if that fight is not immediate.

purpled only cares about a handful of things: self-preservation, his image, and money. this doesn't necessarily mean he won't do "good" things, just that his motives are less about saving people and more about advancing his own agenda. during the red banquet, for example, he only saved the attendants because he was paid to. eret called him a hero for it, but it was nothing more than a matter of who paid more. his morals are extremely skewed,

but he's not inherently malicious. he's indifferent. his actions are logical, not emotional, so despite harming others for his own gain, he typically holds no ill-will towards them. for example, the wiki cites that he and bad have a negative relationship for betraying the eggpire during the banquet, but in reality, purpled really doesn't see bad in anything but a neutral way. there are very few people he holds either positive or negative emotions towards, as his default state is indifferent, but willing to go along with the other person's emotions if they pay enough.

the only people he does feel a semblance of strong emotions towards are: hannah, boomer, ponk, tubbo, jack, and quackity. he has positive personal relationships with hannah, boomer, ponk, and tubbo, seeing them as genuine friends. additionally, ponk, tubbo, and jack are fellow businessmen, which he very much admires. quackity, of course, is the one person on the list he has overtly negative feelings towards, something that possibly extended towards slime after the ln finale, as well. he has an Odd relationship with tommy in the sense that they're somewhat rivals, but not in the usual fandom sense where "oh they secretly care about each other because they're sworn rivals". purpled would sell tommy to satan for a single cornchip and not even blink. there's also dogchamp, his dog, which is i think the one True attachment he's ever had on the server.

business is very important to him! purpled only really cares to talk to people who he sees on a similar intellectual level as him, and business is the closest way to his heart, as seen with his relationship with ponk.

anyone he doesn't see on his level is "lesser". this is specifically highlighted with his viewpoint on slime, as he sees slime as nothing but a child who can't fend for himself and has to rely on quackity for everything. this viewpoint is, obviously, extremely untrue, because purpled is an unreliable narrator in every sense of the word.

he's very smart and extremely capable. if he sets his mind to something, he Will accomplish it through any means necessary, even at the cost of others.

he is also. just sillie. at least around those he trusts or is pretending to allow to get close to him (like fundy in ln). he pulls stupid pranks for stupid prizes. he's just a boy that really loves his dog. he's the server's strongest warrior yet he runs screaming from boomer because they threatened to child-leash him. do not be afraid to make him a freak (because trust me he Is one)

some deeper stuff! all of these things are unspoken, and things he himself is not aware of. a dive into his subconscious thoughts, if you will. if you're writing something deeper with him, these are things i recommend alluding towards/highlighting, but in a sense that only the audience is aware of. they're not things that should be Explicitly Stated, at least not by him/his pov. purpled has little to no true self-awareness, and when he does have moments of introspection, he Still manages to fuck that up, which i'll be getting into

purpled does not really feel any negative emotions other than rage and spite. or, more accurately, he doesn't let himself feel anything other than rage or spite. when lamenting about his loneliness on the server, he immediately spins it into a revenge plot, believing it'll be solved as soon as he gets his just desserts. he does feel and process positive emotions, it's just negative ones he pushes aside for the sake of anger.

this is because, inherently, purpled does not believe he is in the wrong. ever. everything is always the fault of others, which is why he results to anger, because that's what happens when he pushes blame onto other people. he doesn't ever accept that his actions can be detrimental to himself, and that his issues are always the fault of others. for example, he believes that the reason his legacy on the server was "ruined" was because of quackity's intervention. while quackity's destruction of his ufo certainly didn't help, purpled's core issue was himself. his own self-isolation is what started the downfall of his legacy, and his continued isolation is what sealed its fate.

his inability to process his true emotions/wants makes him very prone to self-sabotage, although he believes the path he chooses is the right one. due to quackity's intervention, he believes that he wants a legacy to have power and to be remembered. when he laid out his issues, however, his biggest hang-up was that "if he asked people on the server to name three things about him, none of them could". deep down, what he wanted was a sense of connection, of building a legacy through the bonds formed with others, but he was unable to realize that.

he's so fucking stupid. all of this is me trying to say he's a fucking idiot. he has the emotional capacity of a pet rock with angry eyebrows drawn onto it. he's hypocritical and not even aware of it. i don't think he has the emotional ability to know what hypocrisy is.

the most important thing, though, is to not woobify him into the "manipulated minors" trope. purpled was not manipulated, and although his age plays into the tragedy of his character on a meta-level, it has no true importance to his actions/story. and although i gush about him a lot, and there are reasons to why he acts the way he does, he is not a good person. i can explain why he does what he does all i want, but at his core he is flawed and antagonistic. that's what makes him so good!! he is not a good person, he knows he's not a good person, and unless he's purposefully playing that role in order to deceive someone, he doesn't pretend to be one, and is up-front with others about that fact.

#muse talk #cellburs #oh my god i'm so sorry i just realized how long this is....... #im so fuckign unwell #i have a Lot more cpurpled analysis laying around on my blog somewhere if u need more info! #i think it should be under 'midnight analysis'? #long story short. he's emotionally inept. he does not realize this fact. this is the catalyst to Every Issue He Ever Has #and also the reason he Never Fucking Wins #if u have any more specific questions i'd be happy to answer!! #i. really hope this is comprehensible

[doughbrainer]

Hey? Can I Be Bit Crazy About Something Not Miser Fam Related For A Bit? Cool, Thanks.

Okay, So Basically, A Few Days Ago I Had This Weird Dream That Involved @pistachi0art's OC, Arden, And My Half-Life OC.

I Sent Them A Few Asks That Involve The Dream And Stuff Went From There. To Sum Up The Dream, My OC Ate Arden's Heart And Ended Up Having A Child Because That. (I Know, It's Weird. I Was So Embarrassed When I Woke Up That Morning, Remembering The Dream.)

Cutting To The Chase Though, I Decided To Explore That A Bit More And Eventually...

My Half-Life OC Finally Got A Name After Months Without One, And So Did The Child.

I Didn't Add Much Info In The Images As I Want To Elaborate More In The Post. I Don't Want This To Take Up People's Feed Though, So If You Want To Know About Them, Just Press "Keep Reading"

BARLEY

Barley Is The Human Child Of Barney Calhoun And One Of His Previous Exes. When Barney First Went Under Cover For The Resistance, He Got Along With Another Metro Cop, Who Turned Out To Be Under Cover For The Resistance As Well. Stuff Happened Between Them But Their Mother Was Moved To Monitor A Different City, They Kept Contact With Barney As Much As They Could Until Forcefully Cut Off By The Combine, As My Headcanon For The Story Is That Metro Cops Are Not Allowed Contact With Other Cities. Eventually, Barley Was Born Before The Suppression Was Put Into Place And Her Mother Took Care Of Her In Secret, While The Combine Was Completely Oblivious. This When Barley Eventually Was Discovered, Their Mother Saved Them By Abandoning Them But It Costed Their Mother's Life. (Yeah, Sadly Her Mum Is Dead. :/) Barley Was Found By An Unnamed Scientist And Was Cared For By Them Until They Were Old Enough To Safely Walk Around Without Being In A Main Sense Of Danger. They Followed Their Parents Lead And Went Under Cover For The Resistance, This How She Was Eventually Reunited With Her Father, Barney Calhoun.

After The Events Of HL2:EP2, They Made It To White Forest Base, But Managed To Catch The Attention Of G-Man's Employers And Was Forcefully Hired By Them And Was Given The Same Job Title As G-Man. She Doesn't Know How To Do Her Job And Because She Has No Powers Like G-Man, She Continues To Do Most Of The Stuff For The Resistance, Despite It Being Mandatory That She Wears A Suit Nearly 24/7 Unless In Her Personalised Home For Her Or Under Other Necessary Circumstances. Eventually, When Finally Meeting G-Man, He Gave Her The Ability To Move Across Universes And Reality, Although This Is The Only Power She Has, This Is How She Eventually Meets Everybody From The Universe Of Half-Life VR But The Ai Is Self-Aware.

EVERETT

Everett Is (Fanon) Son Of Barley And Arden, Therefore Making Him Benrey's Nephew. He Came To Be When Barley Ended Up Eating Arden's Heart. Despite The Fact That He's Related To Arden, Barley Cares About Him Regardless, As Him Being Her Son Is The Only Reason She Needs To Love Him. Although He Likes Hanging Out With His Uncle Benrey And Considers Joshua One Of His Best Friends. When Everett Is Made Aware Of Who Is Father Is And What He Did To His Uncle, He Finds It Hard To Approach Benrey For Anything Knowing That, As He Feels Somewhat Responsible For His Father's Actions, And Wants To Make Up For The Things He Did, Despite The Fact They Were Out Of His Control. Sometimes, When Thinking About His Parentage, He Scares Himself With The Thought That There's A Part Of His Father That Lives On Through Him.

When He's Young, He Has A Tail, But He Does Eventually Lose It When He Gets A Grasp On His Powers. He's Stretchy Like His Father, He Uses Sweet Voice A Lot When He's Younger, But As He Gets Older, He Uses It Less, Only Really Using It When He's Frustrated Or When Communicating With Benrey, As It Helps His Uncle Understand How Others Feel. He Prefers To Wear Simple Clothes, Like T-Shirts And Shorts As He Likes To Move Around A Lot, It's Also Easier To Repair Simple Clothes If They Get Ruined.

#hlvrai #half-life vr but the ai is self aware #hlvrai joshua #hlvrai dr coomer #coomer hlvrai #hlvrai bubby #gordon feetman #tommy coolatta #benrey #bubby #dr coomer #hlvrai tommy #hlvrai benrey #hlvrai gordon #half life #half life 2 #g man #gman #hlvrai oc #half life oc #hlvrai gordos feetman #benrey hlvrai #benrey benry #Idk If Pistachi Has A Tag For Benrey's Family Related Content #So #I Think They Should Have One If They Don't Though #Sorry It's Not Miser Bro Related #Posting In Christmas And IT'S NOT MISER BRO RELATED?? #How Selfish Of Me #Dw Miser Bro Content Soon Though