#like life kinda do be sucking atm but also it’s been worse and i didn’t feel this

[ninacarstairss]

isn’t afraid to show it to the world -> I realise these books are full of implicit bias against closeted folks but maybe it’s time to stop reproducing it? It’s very privileged and entitled and yes homophobic to see gay people who are not out as lesser or less deserving

I didn’t mean to imply that people who are not out yet are lesser than those who are and I apologize if it sounded like that

I am bisexual and I’m not out to my family or friends because I feel that I’m not ready to tell them, and that’s 100% my right, so I’m literally as closeted as these characters are atm. I genuinely didn’t mean it like that

Charles is free to do as he wants with his life and his sexuality of course, I am not implying he deserves less than anyone else because he’s not out. Also because thomas and alastair aren’t out either. Math and anna are confident with their sexuality but both tom and alastair are only out to certain people, alastair is only out to cordelia because she eavesdropped on him and charles and tom is literally only out with alastair for now. And I know the 1903 society definitely isn’t the best place for someone to live freely, I get that charles wants a political career and to do that he can’t ever come out as gay, considering how we know the nephilim treated alec when he came out and it was already the 21st century. And again, it is his right not to come out. I don’t like charles at all but it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s closeted and will probably choose to remain so.

But alastair doesn’t want to remain closeted, what I said was related to what alastair wants. When he breaks up with charles he does that exactly because he wants to be with someone who isn’t afraid to love him and let people know. I’m not saying it’s easy, especially in 1903. People still get hate and worse today for being who they are and in fact I don’t think alastair and thomas are gonna have the chance to live the life alec can get to live in 2007. I don’t think they’ll be ever allowed to legally marry or have children, I think people in the clave are gonna be awful and not take them seriously and I also think that’s why they’re both unmarried in the family tree (and both seem to die pretty young, same as anna, if I remember correctly; I think this has to do with their sexualities as a way to kinda cover everything up). I don’t even think alastair cares to be out to the entire world actually, and thomas too in my opinion, they have very different personalities from anna and math, but I think what alastair implies when he sais he wants someone to choose him and not be afraid to love him is that he wants to be true to himself with the people he cares about. And I think thomas wants the same. The way I see it they just want to stop lying to their friends and families and stop hiding themselves, also because they know the people they care about will love them just the same. Then of course the clave would get to know like they know about anna and matthew, but I think it will just end up the same as it did with them: anna and math aren’t taken seriously by most of the clave but they don’t really care about it. And that’s a way it all can go. But again, people don’t always want to come out, or they can’t, or they don’t feel ready yet, and it’s just as fine.

What I said was related to alastair and his own words, it wasn’t a genenral statement and I definitely didn’t mean to imply I think any less of people who aren’t out.

Also I don’t think the books are full of bias against closeted people. Half the fandom hates charles but it’s not because he’s not out. He’s been using people forever just to get the career he wants and that’s why I don’t like him and, as far as I’ve seen, why many people don’t like him. In tlh we do see the struggle of living in 1903 and being gay, bisexual, non-binary and lesbian. Anna feels like she doesn’t belong and is afraid to show people her true self, also because there was no word for how she felt in 1903 and that’s not easy to deal with. Matthew is shattered when oscar wilde is punished for his sexuality. Charles can’t come out if he wants a career, and so on. But I feel that giving these stories a happy ending, an ending where they are out, is actually a way of sending the best message possible. Alec was closeted all his life and had to face a lot to be accepted, but he was eventually and he is happy because he can finally be himself. Anna faced a lot, Matthew faced a lot, Magnus faced a lot, and they are all still struggling because society sucks most of the times, but they are happier this way. I think giving these stories a happy ending is a way of telling people like me and tons of others that are not out yet that it takes time and it’s never easy, but it can get better, there’s a place for us too.

And that’s not hate against people who are closeted, in tsc there’s never shaming for people who don’t want to come out, for whatever reason that may be, there’s just a wish to show happiness and to show that the world is full of struggles but sometimes they also lead to something different.

#asks #asks answered #coi spoilers #mild but still #tsc #charles fairchild #alastair carstairs #thomas lighwood #anna lightwood #matthew fairchild #alec lightwood #magnus bane #tlh #tmi

[tonyglowheart]

This entire thing is a rant, feel free to ignore it, but I saw your post about how destiel fans can’t win in this context, and yeah. So have some rambles.

I’ve been thinking about the fact we (current spn/destiel fans) can’t win all night... I’ve seen so many people talking about how homophobic it is - and while I would very much like to argue, as every point I’ve seen made by a non-spn fan has been wrong so far, if I did everyone inside the fandom would agree and everyone outside would either call me straight or pity me for believing it’s okay.

(Cas wasn’t even sent to hell lmao. He was sent to angel death (the empty), a place he has escaped in the past. Other points, like that meta about spn has been predicting exactly this for months, that Dean ended up sobbing on the floor because he was so upset, like that death means next to nothing on spn, like that there is two episodes left, etc etc. you feel me right? I just don’t want to post wank to other spn blogs atm, we’re getting enough frustration as it is, no need to add to it.

It’s also worth pointing out that the bar is very, very low. Spn is a prominent TV show - not a Netflix show, or indie, or whatever - and it just said “main character in gay love saved the world”. [insert gif of ghostfacers dude saying that gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day here]

I just saw someone saying that spn having Naomi try to brainwash Cas out of loving dean makes spn homophobic (it is a conversion therapy parallel). My first response to that is that Naomi was the villain lmao? I guess we can’t write villains doing anything homophobic because having villains do homophobic things makes, uh - checks notes - villains look homophobic, and clearly we can’t have that.

There certainly are legitimate things to criticise spn about, but this isn’t it lol.

Also now some people are unironically trying to cancel Jensen because “his acting was homophobic, and so he’s clearly homophobic”, nevermind that he’s an actor and his character struggles with understanding his emotions (which I think he played excellently, myself. That scene had a very Dean delayed emotional response), nevermind the support he’s given to us queers in the past. Like. Idek man.

We would have been laughed at if we got no destiel, too.

It would have been worse, had the writers pulled a dumbledore. At this point I also trust the writers not to pull a GoT - they have explicitly criticised that ending in spn’s canon.

Spn’s writers did that by making the main villain of this season, Chuck / God, say GoT had a good ending. To reiterate a previous point I had: villains do bad things because they’re bad. And the bad things they do make them bad. For the people out there not still following, if someone does something in a story and it makes them a villain, that is explicitly telling you the story (and probably the writers) thinks that thing is bad. In this case, Chuck likes to write things for him, and we the audience have been shown and told that is bad.

Apparently thinking a gay confession is good in 2020 makes me straight. Seems unlikely, but whatever. Sorry for the length, I guess I went overboard, I’ve been holding it in lol. Anyway, DESTIEL IS CANON 💚💙 hope you have a good night

Helloo supernatural anon I hope you are living your best life right now. Yeah I’m like..... skeptical and leery myself but having lived through some absolute garbage discourse that is general purity wank, as well as the C/QL greater fandom here and on Twitter I find myself... much more wanting to question the “general wisdom” of things esp in terms of negativity, bc a lot of the time I find.... it’s wrong? Like so wrong. Or at least presents such an incomplete picture of the whole situation and also presents it in such a removed context that words that have meaning and are operationalized in a certain way for a reason, no longer have meaningful usage.

Anyway I don’t... know too much about the specifics of Spn but someone I follow is into it and talks a lot about the Gnostic stuff and that all was very fascinating to me, and I also have been grappling a lot with cultural Christianity bc of cmedia and the way ppl just *clenches fist* unthinkingly or uncritically slap some Christian norms on it and call it a day 😩 help I’m Tired. My thing here being... I actually got tired of the uncritical “superhell”s at some pt bc I am, in fact, incredibly exhausted with cultural Christianity, and because it does seem like, even possibly(?) without the Gnostic stuff it’s different from a “hell” or other Protestant-derived afterlife concept, and also yeah that it wasn’t seeded out of nowhere, it was set up to happen, which then... lends credence to the idea that whatever the current era of Spn is doing, the current showrunners are doing it with purpose.

And idk I just... refuse to believe the concept that ALL of the fans of Spn - esp the ones who have been following it still, or got back into it and are following it currently, are acting under delusion or are fooling themselves into liking it or thinking it’s good or whatever. I personally find that kinda infantilizing and patronizing and playing into issues of dismissing things women and/or other marginalized identities like.

Plus I find the concept that (from what I think I’ve been seeing Spn fans say) that the current era of the show is quite actively grappling with itself, its past, its legacy. to be very interesting and compelling; it hearkens back to like an old lore kind of feeling, of a thing that has grown into a nigh undefeatable monster and realizing that, also realizing that the only way to defeat itself is through grappling with its own nature and transforming and transmuting itself into something else. I personally find that more plausible and compelling than “Supernatural has been actively and continuously queerbaiting for 15 homophobic homophobic years., so right now we’re all very sorry for you because this maybe is no longer queerbaiting but it’s still homophobic and it can never be anything different ever.” I’ve been sort of tangentially aware of Spn thru the years and didn’t we agree, around the time of that in-universe play about Spn and with the lil Destiel shoutout, that Spn has come a ways as far as coming to terms with its fandom and working to treat its fans better? Why the sudden regression into “oh no, Supernatural is and forever will be homophobic and a hate crime”? 🤔 

The rest under a cut bc the ask is already long and then my rambling will get longer-

But yeah I mean..... I get that the legacy of Supernatural has been certifiably Rough, but I think people also forget how different of a time 2005 was? Hell, how different of a time 2015 was, even, prior to, say, Obergefell v. Hodges. Now I’m not saying that to blanket-excuse Supernatural, but like, you look at mainstream shows from the era and... there’s a lot of shit lmao. The fact that Supernatural has existed this long seems to me like.... maybe we CAN look at how it’s developed through the years vs just insisting it is what it was 15, 10, hell, 5 years ago. Especially since, to my knowledge, there’s been showrunner changes? Which seems to me like it would... affect things? I mean honestly, I remember back when I got into Spn for a hot second because of Castiel, I remember watching panel, Q&A, etc vids thru the years, and like... I thought we agreed that... it was the fans who were going a bit far pushing the shipping question like literally ALL the time to the actors, who are not in control of the show and.... like at the time.... that could have had personal implications for them? And yes homophobia bad, and people can still be allies despite that, but again like.... I do feel like - from what I’ve seen - that these guys were NOT ready to deal with a lot of that but they’ve (okay Jensen I’m talking about Jensen here) genuinely grown and learned? Also how many years ago was the essay autograph thing that people keep trotting out, like what year was it in and what year of spn was it, and what were the prevailing opinions on LGBT issues and bisexuality then.

I’ve been seeing some murmurings of identity politicsing surrounding ppl who enjoy Supernatural, and I’m sorry that that’s happening to you, it really fucking sucks and it’s also the dumbest way to “make” or “win” an argument because it shouldn’t ever be a final determiner, just factors to consider when considering what life experiences might have informed someone else’s PoV and views as well as maybe how you can better communicate with them. Instead of it being a “weapon” or “tool” to either dismiss someone or de facto validate an argument.

Also yeah I get it that you don’t want to send discourse to spn blogs bc I imagine you guys ARE actively grappling with all the bs rn and it’s a lot. Even just from like, the stuff I see around, I’m like tired of it. I’m genuinely having more fun with ppl who are having a good time with Supernatural than the ppl who are hating on it, even in this sort of backhanded “oh we’re not clowning YOU we’re clowning the writers and showrunners who think you should be satisfied with this,” when... yeah? the people who HAVE been watching the show and therefore... know what’s up.. DO seem to be? And all this based on *fake gasp* context. And that’s where the backhandedness becomes kind of poisonous to me, because it implies that it IS bad, and that you SHOULDN’T be satisfied, but poor little you are but don’t worry, we’re not making fun of YOU for liking garbage, you’re just the hapless victim who is consuming the garbage bc... idk, whatever reasons ppl are coming up with ig.

idk man it’s 2020. Fandom isn’t activism, performative or otherwise, it’s okay to let people enjoy things even if you think they’re “objectively” bad, and like... I don’t know if people can call something bad when they’re not even working with the whole context and instead are dealing with rumor and reputation. 

#supernatural cw #I tag this for ppl who I know want nothing to do with spn rn and are blacklisting and so it doesn't end up in main tag #Anonymous #asks answered #long post

[trollcafe]

Why wouldn’t Bru and Toresce speak again?

oh boy! Long post ahead! Also this is so jumbled i just wrote a 7 page paper so im not organizing this.

TL;DR: They got into a very heated argument where Bruuno was trying to complain about the shitty things happening to him (as one does w/ a quad mate), and Toresce made fun of him, so he blew up. There’s a lotta issues and shit, below there is mentions of abuse, alcohol, self harm, and suicide.

Like he expected it to happen but not to the extent in which it did. He expected a little sympathy. So:

Toresce got angry and was basically like “oh boo fucking hoo poor bruuno who has a mate and moirails and people who love him, everything sucks for the dude whose life is so perfect” (Important context: Toresce had a meltdown and Bruuno was there for him, helped him, and then this happened and Toresce didn’t so Bruuno felt EXTRA betrayed) and bruuno snapped because he was completely sober in that moment. When he’s sober he tends to get angry very easily which is why he drinks as much as he does. Its an adhd thing. But Bruuno snapped, like, was not thinking straight. Said some stuff he shouldnt have, sorta begged Toresce to kill him for a moment then called him a coward when he didn’t, then had to be literally thrown out because he would have tried something stupider than begging the man who hates him to kill him. And, At the moment in the storyline, Bruuno is AWOL ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kinda glad I haven’t gotten any asks for him since his muse is still incredibly pissed off. He is very prone to saying something he doesn’t mean when he’s angry. We weren’t sure if we were going to keep this canon but I feel like its an important development in their relationship.

It is kind of important to also note that this is similar to what Bubble would do if Bruuno had any issues. Downplaying his suffering, saying he has nothing to be upset about, it’s what caused him to start bottling things up in the first place. So to tell someone he thought was better than Bubble only for them to act like Bubble was a huge shock, could even go so far as to say it was a trigger. That’s not even something he can explain to Toresce. He can’t tell Toresce “Hey dont do that, my ex did that” because Toresce will just make fun of him, dismiss him again, or so Bruuno believes. 

For a bit I thought Bruuno would apologize but the more time has passed, the more I know he’s not going to. He probably won’t speak to Toresce until either A. Chow makes him or B. Toresce apologizes first. Toresce just massively confuses him, he doesn’t get The guy. He tried to care, then that was too much. He stopped caring, then that wasn’t good either. He cared again when Toresce had issues, then that was okay??? Sorta?  Then He asks for care back, and that isn’t okay, so he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know what happy medium Toresce wants. So I think he’s given up.

He’s tired. Not a lot of Positive things has happened for him recently. His muse has gotten progressively worse and worse, I know he’s getting depressed. I can tell he is giving up. I’ve been frantically trying to think of something good that can happen to him to lift his spirits. He’s heading in a bad direction. He has no coping skills anymore, he is convinced now that he can’t tell anyone what’s bothering him, he can’t be around Shiloh atm (for other reasons) so there’s extra guilt on top of all that. He’s having a really rough time.

I’m not about to do anything w/o consulting any of the muns who are active in his life (Like his moirails or his mate), but it IS in Bruuno’s nature to run away and hide so in the moment he is avoiding being seen, probably hasn’t gone to his hive, probably only talking to his moirails. He doesnt talk to Pictor a whole bunch so that isn’t too much of an issue for him, theyre really busy. He also doesn’t like to tell people about his issues, he absolutely hates anyone thinking he could have an issue. Not because he thinks he’s perfect but because that makes him less capable to care for other’s. He admitted to someone how he actually felt, someone who is his rival so it was kind of humiliating, and having that kind of response just killed a piece of him. When I think too much about him i can feel how ruffled his feathers are, how bad everything feels. But this is a new situation: He can’t run off and do what he usually did to cope (which was sleeping around as a form of self harm, drinking, or (recently) tussling with a kismesis), he can’t drink himself sick, he can’t complain to anyone he actually loves because Obviously they’ll use it against him or do the same thing because Clearly Bubble Toresce is right (/s).

He’s having a very rough time at the moment. I honestly have not felt him be so low in a very long time. He was doing really, really good for a while, and things started to crumble and now the wall has shattered and he’s left with a bunch of dust. He’s not doing a very good job of piecing himself back together and I am eagerly trying to find something that can help because I’m not sure he’s going to want to open up to anyone anymore.

Do I feel bad? Kinda. But I’ve been there, I know what he’s going through, I’ll get him out of it one way or another. He’ll be okay. If Toresce ever apologizes, they’ll be okay. He won’t be back to perfect but he’ll be better. I think he will -eventually- tell a moirail what happened. I think he will -eventually- get better help. MegaDad and Leo are trying (Because currently Bruuno is hiding in Leo’s hive.)

He’ll be okay.

#i feel this is a wonderful time to say i have issues w/ reality so he feels *incredibly* real to me #no i dont hear voices no i dont see things no im not going to kill you #ghost.ask #bruuno #pride n prejudice #suicide #suicide tw #alcohol #alcohol ment #self harm #abuse #abuse tw #i say this at risk of sounding like a crazy man #but i really do feel what these characters are feeling #ive described this to my psych and she said #i was psychotic #im on anti psychotics #i still felt like angry crying through typing this #okay thats all #bye #Anonymous

[perylinsus]

Rant

Rant Contents-

Perming hair

Dyeing hair

Cutting hair

Getting piercings

Body weight

Tattoos

CONTAINS ENOUGH HATE AND UN-NEEDED CRITICISM TO LAST MILLIONS OF LIFE TIMES.

Okay, so this rant is gonna be weird as fuck, since it's about my hair and some piercings, but listen as I start talking about my hair. It's weird. It's straight somedays, curly on others, wavy on the others, and a combination of all three, though most of the time it's straight. It's also very, very, very thick and oily. Now, being in the end of my 3rd quarter of 8th grade, I keep telling people at school that I plan on getting a perm over the summer, since everyone is counting the days till then. But when I say perm, I mean tight-curls perm. Not even curls, more along the lines of coils. But everytime. Every. Single. Time. I say anything about getting a perm to someone with wavy/curly hair, they complain about how hard it is and how it'll be so much harder for me since; I'm not used to curly hair, my hair is too thick and/or my hair is super oily. All I want to do is turn and just fucking snap.

The only fucking reason my hair is straight and oily is because of the lice treatments I had to go through. I had those assholes all up on my head for 5 years straight. When I was a kid, I had to straighten my fucking hair everyday just to get it to cooperate. When I was a kid, I was fucking mistaken for a different race. My hair has always been thick, it was always silky and soft and it was in tight ass curls up until I was 5 or 6. I've experienced curly hair my entire life cause my step sister adopted triplet girls with hair that was on the verge of being kinky, but was still considered curly. I do their hair every fucking morning to this damn day. I have since they were adopted at 3 years old and that was 8 years ago. I was in my first year of having lice (I took precautions to make sure they didn't get lice. Luckily, it worked cause they never did).

I wanna fucking snap when people say to not get my hair permed into tight curls cause I won't be able to take care of them. I take care of curly hair every damn morning, 4 AM sharp, listening to babies cry when I only get 2 hours of sleep cause of my damn homework. Everything's good. I cope now, I will always fucking cope.

Two more factors make the complaining worse. Before I perm my hair, I'm getting it colored. Again, more complaining. Things like, "You'll damage your hair!" Or "Why would you color your hair, it's already so pretty." I might be doing two different colors, they might be bright and because of that, I have to bleach and color my hair. Don't get pissed because I don't wanna have basic brunette bitch hair like you (that's aimed at one person, not all brunettes. I luh u). I want to die my hair because I can. I'll perm my hair afterwards because my cousin, aunt and grandma, certified hair dressers, told me it was okay. I'm tryna live my life so back the fuck up.

Next thing, I wanna cut it, too. Before getting a perm, but after coloring it, I'm gonna try and get an undercut. More. Fucking. Complaining. "Sweetie, if you wanna color and cut your hair, you can't perm it. It'll look weird. I've tried it." Bitch. Does it look like I care about what you tried. You're pale, skinny and you have some fake ass lookin blonde hair. I am, on the other fucking hand, a delicious hunk of chubby Mexican (I'm trying to love myself more. Don't judge me). Me and you, we're completely different. I have an ass, some tits and some fat around my waist. You look like a sheet of horny construction paper (that shit feels weird...idk what y'all feel like, I swear). People may retaliate with;

"I'm not saying you'll be ugly, I'm saying curly hair and undercuts don't go well together." What if my main goal is to look ugly? To put shame to my last name (that rhymed bruh). Idgaf what you think. I'm cutting my hair, I'm coloring my hair and I'm perming this shit. I fucking live for coloring my hair, I've done it for the entirety of my middle school life. I miss having an undercut. Living in Florida with some dark ass, thick hair is hard, so the less hair, the easier my life (less shampoo and conditioner too). And my curly hair. I want that shit back. I didn't hate it then, but I also didn't love it, but. I. Want. It. Back.

So, with my hair, back tf up. Now some piercings.

My uncle does piercings for people. Yeah, total fucking pothead, but he's chill and good at his 3 steady jobs. He said, once I get old enough, he'd give me good quality piercings. Because we moved away from him, down to Florida (that was 5 years ago btw. I had ear piercings then. I also temporarily moved up to Michigan for like half a year, when he promised me), he hasn't given me my piercings yet. Over a video call, since he's overseas helping a friend move into a new house, he asked me what piercings I wanted so when he got back (I'd be halfway through my first quarter of freshman year) he could give me my piercings.

As many as I want, for no price at all. He's self employed so it's no problem, however my face/head area is all he'll do. I'm okay with it bc that's all I want. I tell him, with my bff and her bf sitting next to me. Her bf has his friend with him so he can hear me too, obviously. I say both ears and lips, possibly nose. My uncle says ok. He asks me what kind I'm considering for my ears. I say; standard lobe, upper lobe, helix and industrial. That's another ok. Then for my lips. I say; angel bites, snake bites, spider bites or shark bites. Again. Another okay. Then he asks for my nose. I say septum or nostril but the nose piercings weren't definitive. Again. That's okay.

My mom knows about this and she's okay with it. I'm my own person and what I choose to do needs to be dealt with by me. I face my mistakes, or I suffer. I choose to take some pretty bad ending risks but I learned. That's always been my lesson and it won't change. Face the consequences. My bff asks if she could get the same deal as I did. He says no but that he could lower the price significantly. She says okay, definitely happy, and her bf asks the same, getting the same response as my bff (he's cool with piercings. He had some. He just wants more). Now, my bff's bf's friend starts criticizing us, specifically me. We hate eachother so it was expected.

But this asshole. THIS ASSHOLE. Had the audacity to insult me on my choice of piercings. He's anti everything. Anti gays, anti abortion (this one is agreeable), anti Muslim, he's HORRIBLE (his personality filters into this. Believe what you want but if your personality is too evident in your opinion, DO NOT TALK TO ME. Especially if you're stuck up). I'm learning makeup atm so he goes down that road and calls me an ugly whore who deserves to die on the streets. Nice. But...same thing with the hair. I WILL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT TO. IDGAF ABOUT YOUR OPINION. Don't criticize me because I want to get tons of piercings. He went down the path of racism, too, and called me a typical Hispanic bitch. Rebellious and dumb. I have nothing to say to this other than get tf out of my house. I turn to my friends and tell them if they agree with him to leave with him. They're actual friends so they stayed but he had to find his way home in the pouring rain. Don't be an ass to innocent people cause Karma's a bitch.

Anyway, I was called a hippy, spic, typical druggie, shitty person and retard (this word isn't taken lightly in my family. Don't call people that shit).

You know what, let's rant some more.

I'm a chunky motherfucker. I way well over 100 lbs but I ain't too close to 200. I'm almost 14 and I'm kinda short. Still growing, but short.

I have lots of body fat. Obese, depends on your definition of it. Fat, yes, but I can still rock some tight clothes better than anyone else. I've embraced my body fat. Yes, I'm currently researching healthy, lemme repeat, healthy ways to get rid of it, but I've embraced it and I now tell myself I'm cute whether people like it or not. It's strange since I've never done it before but it helps with depression.

Anyway, I'm chubby but I'm working on it. I need to glow up to rock my bullies' motherfucking worlds. This dude, idek who he was, comes up, calls me fat and walks away. I turn around and yell fuck you or fuck off or some shit like that. I'm making my way to class and this other kid trips me. When I hit the ground, he screams earthquake and runs.

I get up and walk my way to class like a civil person. Eventually, my mom, who works at my school, has to take me to the hospital cause I couldn't get up and leave my class at the end of the day. Why, you may ask? Well, I had;

minor whiplash

a sprained wrist

Scrapes on my knee that were so bad, they'll probably scar

My day sucked before that so it only got worse. Besides that, the whiplash is gone, my sprained wrist is healing nicely and it's just my knees that are still fucked up.

All that trouble because some bastard wanted to fuck with me cause I'm chubby. Stop being dicks everyone, unless that's your nickname.

Finally, the last topic. Tattoos. My other uncle, the twin brother of my piercings uncle, is a tattoo artist. Game addict, too, but, like, srsly, unhealthily addicted.

Anyway, if I can't do college, I have a guaranteed spot as a tattoo designer in his parlor. I'm trying to plan for college so it might not happen but, you never know. Besides that, he gave me a deal. As many tattoos as I want, for no price. All because I'm his only blood niece.

I said hell fucking yeah (I got a shoe thrown at me for it). He said as long as I designed them, he'd give me them. Okay, not too bad since I'm a 14 year old with college level art. First, though, I had to tell him what type I wanted. I said I wanted tribal, illustrative and possibly neo traditional.

I have designs for my illustrative tattoos. One for each important person in my life. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my grandma, my bff and my 1st dog. I was gonna try and do one for my husband/wife when and if I get married but I was warned about tattooing names of people I'm not related to on my body. Again, I might still do it. Anyway, those are for my illustrative tattoos. Then, comes my tribal tattoos.

I plan on asking my bestfriend and my mom to choose from a set of Moon Glyphs, which symbols best represent me. Whichever common ones they choose, will be hidden in a tribal tattoo on my ribcage. I also want a tribal on the top of my forearm and a tribal band around my bicep. I may just get arrows on the inside of my other forearm.

Neo traditional will probably be a worn down banner with flowers that has a saying in it. In another language, most likely, but there'll be a saying.

Anyway, I told my uncles this and my tattoo artist uncle said he was perfectly okay with it. My mom was chill with it, too, so everything was good. Until my great grandmother got ahold of the information. So many vulgarities.

Anyway, don't be a shithead when it isn't necessary. Let people learn from their own mistakes when said mistakes are revocable.

Luv ya and thanks for reading.

[fatal-blow]

1) How does Cosimo's power work? I gather he can both suppress magic and whatever the Defenders' powers are, but what's the range? I also believe you mentioned him making items that have similar effects. 2) Are Kane's powers always active at full power? Do them enhance pain as well as touch? How do they interact with Cosimo's? 3) What's the rapport between the Society and Magics? 4) Is there a way for someone to resist/avoid Fergus' power? 5) How freaking cute are Olly and Aqsa?

1) How does Cosimo's power work? I gather he can both suppress magic and whatever the Defenders' powers are, but what's the range? I also believe you mentioned him making items that have similar effects.

So we’re still workshopping Cosimo’s abilities atm, but basically he can dissipate energy!  He needs to be in contact with the thing in order to do so, but it works with magic, the Defenders’ powers, and regular ass energy.  And yeah, this means he can technically dispell magic, but the fact that he needs to be in contact with the thing is what limits his abilities.  He has to actively focus to do shit like this, and it takes a bit of his energy to do it.

With just a touch, no focus required, he can stop the Defenders from using their abilities, and he’s immune to mental intrusion all around.  For the most part he’s immune to their powers completely.  He has no seeming effect on magic if he’s not actively focusing on messing with it.  The items he can “null out” have the same effect as his touch.

He might have another power, but I haven’t been able to pin down Derrs for extended discussion on it and I didn’t ’t want to keep you waiting on this ask haha.

2) Are Kane's powers always active at full power? Do them enhance pain as well as touch? How do they interact with Cosimo's? 

Yeah man and if you ask him it sucks.  Kane wears sunglasses a lot of the time to kinda help mitigate eye strain, but he deals with a lot of sensory overload and migraines that require a dark room and a lot of quiet to combat.

I don’t think they enhance pain too much if at all, since pain is kinda like the brain’s reaction to a thing?  He’s more sensitive in general though (picking out clothes is probably a pain).

Cosimo stops Kane from using his clairvoyance and precognition and dulls his senses a bit, but not entirely.

3) What's the rapport between the Society and Magics?

Tense, at best.  Sometimes they were allies and sometimes they weren’t.  There were some individuals in Magics that harassed the Defenders that Magics kinda just...overlooked.  It grew steadily worse over the years, especially as the Director’s son, Alexander Dumonte, gained power in the organization and just in general wanted to make life hell for the Defenders.  Generally, if the Society and Magics were at odds, Dumonte had something to do with it.

There’s a particular mission that Fergus and Kane went on that basically severed any good relations that Magics and the Society had, but it was in the last 1-1.5 years that the Society was still running, so they never ended up being outright hostile.  That time was mostly a cold war situation.

4) Is there a way for someone to resist/avoid Fergus' power? 

See Cosimo.  Skylar, if he knew what he was doing, could also actively combat Fergus’s abilities.  Fergus is so bullheaded though that he rarely, if ever, comes across a normal person with any sort of resistance to his abilities.  He tends to bulldoze through any mind he comes across that isn’t protected by Cosimo or empathic abilities of their own.  It remains to be seen if Skylar will have more trouble, being that he’s far less willful than his predecessor.

Tl;dr Fergus is too stubborn for people to resist his power.

5) How freaking cute are Olly and Aqsa?

Of all the couples in literally all of Defenders of Earth, throughout all seven planned books, Olly and Aqsa are the most likely to commit PDA and it is absolutely sickening.  They’ve been together for basically 20 years and they still talk cutesy to each other and make everyone in the general vicinity grown out loud.  Olly likes to write some of the weird shit that Aqsa says into her novels and Aqsa is constantly making cute hats and scarves and shit for Olly to wear.

#defenders of earth #hueynomure

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[kaleidoux]

30 dec 2020

Woke up at 4am feeling dysphoric after a dream.  I just keep feeling worse and worse about myself, no fun at all. I recently decided to explore and find out why tf I feel so bad about my body and voice and everything and hey, guess what? Could it be the fact that I’ve been pushing away rational thoughts of being born in the wrong body for years and years? And that I - at any given time in my life since 5th grade, if given the question “would you rather have been born male or female?” - would answer Male in a split second? That I’ve been fantasizing about being a man for as long as I can remember? Kept pretending to be a boy in 99% of all playing and games as a kid? That my body image have been shit for years because I keep looking at myself in the mirror going “boi I sure wish I looked more masculine”? Could that possibly be it? Naah, let’s ignore it some more- sike, not doing that anymore. Suck it universe. The fact that I can’t talk to my bff about it either sucks <’3 I just wanna pour my heart out to her, but last time I tried to talk about it she ended up feeling like shit because she suffers from bad self-esteem, and hearing me feel bad about myself made her anxious af - and I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to make her feel like shit just so that I can feel better, so I’ll avoid talking about it with her. It sucks, it really does, but she deserves to be happy. So that’s kind of why I decided to start this blog in the first place - to have a place to let out some steam and just... write. I do have friends I can write to about it, but I feel kinda awkward doing it? Like, I know they would support me 100% (they already do, I have expressed my thoughts to them and they are a-ok with me writing about it), but one of them is also dysphoric and I don’t want to make them feel bad in the process <’3 They are such a nice friend and I fear that they wouldn’t tell me if they felt bad, so I don’t want to risk it.  Then I constantly question myself. What if I’m wrong? What if I just keep getting these thoughts over the years and they aren’t valid? Like, I’ve been pushing it away since I was a young teenager, it’s been 10+ years and I still worry that it’s all just some an inner hoax of emotions. What if I feel worse after transition? Bitch, like it can get any worse?? You already hate your body and voice, and would prefer to be seen as a man, how could it possibly get worse than it is??

on a brighter note - I started buying clothes from the mens department again, for the first time since high school. It feels great honestly ♡ Also bought a sports bra that sits so snugly and flat that it almost looks like a binder - it’s a blessing atm. While I do hate these fat blobs on my chest, I am grateful that they aren’t bigger than they are. Size B is already way too much - how bout size 0, can you fix that, universe? Even told my mom the other day that I’d rather just have ‘em chopped off, she didn’t even bat an eye (we’ve discussed this years ago also, she knows I hate ‘em). She have no idea about me being dysphoric though, and I won’t tell her anytime soon as it feels now. I’m sure she would be supportive - she’s the loveliest mom ever - but I want to feel 100% comfortable being called he/him first. I adore it, feels great, but also new and weird?? Like, it feels weird in a good way, and I am starting to get accustomed to it, even if it’s only through text so far. Stood in front of the mirror yesterday and tried my name and pronoun out-loud and it felt real nice ♡

#captain's log #tw dysphoria #late night ramblings #transgender

[defiancerpg-blog]

Congratulations VAL, you have been accepted as VULPECULA with the faceclaim of NAOMI SCOTT and the DOPPELGANGER MORPHING ability!

Notes from the Admins: Ellie and Tasha:

We had some really hard decisions for multiple skeletons during this acceptance, but this one was certainly the hardest. Both were very much in line with how we envisioned Riaan. But ultimately it was yours that we felt fit the most. I (Ellie) just fell in love with the little details of who Riaan was to you. Your headcanons really stuck with me, the emphasis on her pronouns and the little line of freckles and then I really love their answer to the power question (the shapeshifting one especially), but it their answer to the final question that sold me on your app. I (Tasha) have to agree with Ellie, the little details are what really pulled me in. As much as I wanted to hear your version of how the family was, I really loved that i didn’t get to. To me, I felt like that pulled me in and I am a fan of your writing.

You have 48 hours to send in your blog. If you haven’t already joined the group discord then you may do so now (if that’s your wish) [x]. Once you have turned in your blog, you will be given a role that will allow you access to the private channels regarding plots/characters. Please remember to do everything on the checklist, and also we just want to thank you for joining this roleplay. We hope your time with us will be a fun and memorable one!

OOC INFORMATION

ALIAS & PRONOUNS: Val, She/her

AGE: 25

TIMEZONE, ACTIVITY LEVEL, & RP EXPERIENCE: TZ: EST Activity: I have a full time job on first shift, but since i’m not involved in other rps atm I have plenty of time to be active, and should easily be able to meet and excede activity requirements. I typically do my writing early in the morning before work, or after dinner. My one concern is the opening date, because I’m going on a pre-planned vacation from April 5th to April 9th (WALKERSTALKER CON CHICAGO!). I’ll have limited access to a computer, but I will have my phone so I’ll at least be available for plotting and getting to know people via the discord server during that period. If you’d rather wait to review my application until the 9th or 10th I understand that as well. RP experience:  I’ve been roleplaying since 2012 in several fandoms: HP, the 100, TW, TWD, etc. I delved into indie for awhile, but definitely prefer rpgs. A couple of my past blogs are: http://nickbeckett.tumblr.com/,  https://seakept.tumblr.com/,  http://auroragood.tumblr.com/, https://kylexbennett.tumblr.com/

BASIC IC INFORMATION

SKELETON: Riann Foster (Vulpecula- The Little Fox)

FACECLAIM: Naomi Scott, Liza Koshy (Though she’s known for youtube, she does have an acting career including series regular for two seasons of the hulu series Freakish), Alia Bhatt

AGE: 24

ORIENTATION: Demisexual.

ORIGIN: New York, New York (Queens)

NOVA TYPE: Corpus

ABILITY: Intangibility- The ability to pass through physical matter, though difficulty increases as the density of an object increases. If the whole body or part of a body becomes tangible within another object, the object would have to expand outwards at a detriment to its own form (explode, etc) but could potentially cause extreme physical harm to the user, depending on the property of the material. Shapeshifting (Doppleganger Morphing)-  The ability to change one’s personal appearance to identically mimic that of another human being that they have seen before. This user cannot create a completely new form, nor mimic any superpowers should they morph into a nova. The longer they stay in the altered form, the harder it is to return to one’s true self. (I don’t actually have a preference for either, I love both abilities as possible for them)

THE INTERVIEW:

So, tell me a little bit about growing up. What was your childhood like?

“I moved around a lot, I guess…” Riann’s arms crossed lightly over their chest, anchoring their hands in place rather than allowing them to fidget nervously. Memories, both fond and disheartening, flashed through their mind, but they couldn’t help but wonder how much their verbal answers even mattered.  Could this AI detect a lie? Could it determine the truth by analyzing their brains waves, their temperature, or other physiological responses? Did it matter? “I don’t know, I, uh… I was never bored, that’s for sure. Had plenty of extracurricular activities. Learned a lot. Didn’t starve or anything. That’s all you can ask for, right?” It’d be remiss to say they weren’t hesitant to give this AI personal information, particularly to ensure the safety of their makeshift family. A career criminal couldn’t afford to admit all faults. Despite them living in a world of uncertainty- where they’d sleep the next night, what they’d eat, when they’d eat, if they’d all make it home safely- Riann had grown numb to the anxiety stemming from the unknown. What they remembered most about their childhood was the laughter, the hugs, and the beautiful night skylines. Their teen years were a bit more rambunctious, especially as the NPA loomed closer and closer, but the way they saw it, their life was their life and they’d learned not to live with regrets and what-ifs. “I mean, like anyone, I had a bit of a rebellious streak but… It all worked out.”

What about your relationship with your family?

A small smile spread across their lips as Riann let out a warm chuckle, leaning back more casually against the wall as they relaxed. “I have three older siblings and they, uh, well they made sure I knew I was the youngest. Didn’t get much alone time, but I didn’t want it either.” How many times had they been delegated ‘look out’ or done surveillance checks on a mark for their siblings before anything actually went down? They were a cute child, slight in stature and innocent looking, and lying had become second nature to them, ingrained in them from their earliest memories. Fictional stories became so real to them that it occasionally took an extra moment for them to slip out of a character, but that’s what made them good at it, and kept them from having to actively participate in thefts they found morally wrong. Plus, it allowed them a bit of alone time to explore their own Robin Hood type interests. “But I mean, we got along fine, I guess.” They loved them. Their siblings and “adoptive” mother were their home, at least, they had been. The seeds of resentment and abandonment from being left by their biological mother so young were mostly trodden underfoot by the loyalty and love they learned from their family, but sometimes they couldn’t help but wonder, couldn’t help but indulge in anger when they thought about the sperm and egg donors that actually created them. Maybe their family wasn’t perfect, maybe they didn’t function the way others thought was healthy or stable, but for a long time it was consistent, and without that, who knew where Riann would be. “They… still think I ran away with some boyfriend, headed for Miami. And that’s for the best.”

Are you the only Nova in your family? Or were your parents Novas too? What about any siblings?

“They’re human.”  And as far as Riann was concerned, that was the end of the question. As far as they knew, they were all as human possible, and they’d continue to believe that so long as it kept them safer. But were their biological parents novas? Did they have any biological siblings? They couldn’t know. Didn’t want to. They shrugded their shoulders, mounting  nonchalance on their features. “”It’s just me.”

What’s your ability like? Is it easy to control or harder? Do you even like it?

A heavy silence fell, weighing down Riann’s pause as they tried to sort out what exactly they wanted to say. “It’s, uhm… It’s sort of… instinctual? Like once I make the decision, it just happens and  I can’t- I can’t stop it halfway or control it. But… it’s not hard.” Every morph was like a milestone as they wore others’ bodies. In a way, it solidified their comfort in their own skin, as this body felt like home. Like them. Their appearance could change on a whim to that of an existing person, and they were the wolf in sheep’s clothing. They didn’t belong there. The freckles on their arm were the only thing that stayed in tact in their new form, and they often used them as a focal point for changing back to who they were. What was worse- the longer they stayed in a different form, the harder it was to get back. The freckles disappeared one by one as time went on, and Riann had only ever stayed in one body for up for 16 hours before getting so scared of losing themself they had to change back for a few hours for fear of being lost totally to this stranger forever. It was a dark time, a long con at the beginning of their journey to the Sanctuary, and they could distinctly remember the loss of foreignness in the new skin, the comfort and familiarity settling in, hoping to cement them there forever. Riann shook their head to clear the intruding thoughts before finishing their sentence. “It’s, uhm… it’s a cool party trick, that’s for sure. Always win charades.” And that was true; amongst the novas it was easy to get sucked into the game and posture about their ability, flirting with the danger just ever so slightly, but Riann preferred to err on the side of caution. The ability was extremely useful for concealing their identity, or protecting themself, and it made them quite good at the former job, but they’d never admit how each passing hour felt as though they were inching closer and closer to their own identity’s death.

How would you describe your personality?

"I look out for myself,” they concluded. “I have to. I think I’m….” A light chuckle escaped their lips, grin growing across their face, “Wow, I almost said nice. I’m not nice. It’s such a stupid word. But… I care, and I think that kinda comes through. Maybe I’m… I don’t know, a bit too blunt, but I think you have to figure out what’s going to push people away, and what they’re willing to deal with, you know? Does that make sense? I don’t like wasting time or energy, and you gotta go with your gut about what or who is worth it.”

What do you think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are?

“Wow, I guess both my greatest strength AND my greatest weakness is my selfishness. I look out for me, and the people I care about, and I dunno… my own moral compass? But I’m not trying to be a hero.” They paused for a moment, realizing the error they’d made: admitting to caring about others, like they could be used against them, and pointing out their usually self-servitude. This new “home” was still unexplored, and they couldn’t be certain how long they’d be staying. “Also I can’t take a joke.” It was a half-truth. People within their circle had miles of slack, but anyone they didn’t trust couldn’t expect the same wiggle room. There was a certain amount of satisfaction associated with pointing out flaws in logic, even when it meant not accepting a “joke” as something funny.

Where and what were you doing the day the Nova Protection Act was enacted?

“God, I don’t know…” They shifted nervously then, rearranging their arms in front of them. Honestly, they couldn’t quite remember- bigotry and disdain from others had always been a part of their life, whether it be because they were poor and on the streets, or a person of color, or just plain female-passing, they were more than used to the ugliness of society to take note of the “important” day the world gained yet another reason to turn against them. “I was… probably eating ice cream in Staten Island or something. Wasn’t a big deal.”

Did you immediately run? Or did you try to obey the law and report to the Anti-Nova Force?

At the question, the couldn’t help but actually laugh. It was a dry, cynical laugh, one that rang hollowly in their chest, but a laugh all the same. “Yeah, like I’d turn myself in to the same people who’d “randomly” search me at an airport. I didn’t have to do anything. Nothing changed.” Other than the fact their existence officially put their family at risk for more than just being black market thieves. It was one thing to face prison time, and quite another to put their family in danger of detainment just or being associated with them. Looking back, that was exactly the day the left, but they made sure not to leave any indication it was because of the NPA.  Instead, that fateful day, they’d announced to their family they and their boyfriend were headed for the warm weather of Miami.

How have you survived this last year and a half or so? Did you have any help or were you all alone? How did you find Yalena’s Sanctuary?

"When you have the skills I have, it’s not too hard.” They pushed off from the wall then, choosing instead to pace a bit. This interview was getting tedious, and they were beginning to feel closed in. Uncomfortable. The nervous energy was coursing through their veins and they needed some way to work it out.  “I knew people who knew people, and when I wanted in, I found a way. That’s how transactions work.”  They weren’t about to disclose the favors they exchanged for information, or the people involved. The truth was that though their family had a reputation amongst the black market, they had one with its own standing as well. A few skeptical questions, and a bit of calculated risk in admitting to some stranger what they were had gotten them the key to sanctuary, and that’s what mattered.

It’d taken a long time getting from New York to the Sanctuary. Hitchhiking, mostly, plus a few long bus rides, and a train or two, but the passing days just brought them closer and closer to “safety.” Eventually they found a scout (or was found, it was hard to tell), and the rest, was, as they say, history.

What were you doing when the raid happened? How did you respond to the flood of Wardens? How quickly did you go through Yalena’s portal?

"I was… uhm…” Riann paused a moment, concentrating. What had the been doing? Something inconsequential. Something benign. Something completely disrupted by the ruin of the safety they’d imagined they had. Was it playing cards? Riann enjoyed counting cards, and loved to use the skill when given the chance. That was probably it. Something lazy. They couldn’t remember exactly, because the trauma of it all being ripped out from under them was something they didn’t want to acknowledge.  “I know I was with other people- I don’t do that a lot, just hanging out, so I remember that. And then this guy, he… slumped over. I saw the dart. Or maybe… it wasn’t a dart. Maybe it was a bullet wound.” They couldn’t remember clearly; perhaps in the nights spent afterwards they’d justified a bullet wound as being a dart to ease their conscience. They couldn’t be certain whether the figure had slumped over in sleep or in something far more permanent. Despite being focused on themself, a great deal of guilt followed them for not doing more that day. “And then there were wardens everywhere. I ran. I heard… screaming.” Panic. Pure panic. “I saw Marisol go through the portal, and I heard someone yell for help. I… watched them fall to the ground. And then, I ran. I…” They knew they could’ve brought more people through. Could’ve at least tried. “I did what I had to do.”

What has living in The Imperium been like for you? Do you feel safer than before? Is it better or worse than on the run, or Yalena’s Sanctuary?

There was an audible pause, silence reverberating with the thoughts collecting in Riann’s mind. Their weight echoed with such strength it was a wonder the AI hadn’t already read each passing thought as it grew.  Finally, they let out a defeated sigh and rolled their eyes, settling on indifference and sarcasm for their response. It was too poignant, to real, to say what they really felt. “There’s no wardens yet, so obviously it’s a 10 out of 10…” False flattery was a go-to of theirs when they didn’t want to be honest. In the back of their mind, they wondered whether or not their satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with their new home could get them booted and back on the streets. Alone. Truthfully? They felt caged. Locked in. Imprisoned with a group of people they mostly didn’t trust, and half they didn’t like. Perhaps it’d be easier to be back on the streets, but at least here their wrist wasn’t going to get scanned at any given moment. They couldn’t tell which they missed more- the safety of being surrounded by similar individuals in the sanctuary, where at least they could be themselves, or the rose-tinted memories of being at home with people that, whether they truly knew Riann or not, they knew they were loved.

“So long as you don’t turn into the terminator, I guess I’m good here.”

The last question. If war broke out between Novas and the humans, which side will you be on?

"I’d be on the side that keeps me safe.” Their answer was pointed and clear, but it didn’t quite explain. Riann’s ties to the human world were something they wouldn’t want to ever speak of, but they’d also made at least one friend within the group of novas, and maybe that was enough. Maybe the idea of coexistence was so long gone that they’d have to side with the novas, knowing that they could never truly belong in the human world. When push came to shove, Riann would choose their kind, but they didn’t want to admit that, even to themself. The idea of belonging to something bigger than them was both incredibly enticing and terrifying.

CONNECTIONS:

Tell us your feelings on their provided connections/relationships and also any other connections you’d be interested in exploring outside of those already provided.

The Hare- I LOVE their friendship. The idea that someone somehow, pushed past the walls Riann has built up and has become important to them is so special.  I don’t think Riann would be capable of functioning if they were truly alone for a long time, so this connection is in a way vital to their survival. It’s important enough that I don’t think even Riann understands the gravity of what their feelings for the Hare means, or what they’d do to protect that connection. Since I interpret Riann as demisexual, this is the type of relationship I’d see a possible romantic future in (be it unrequited or not), so I’m definitely excited to see where it leads, but it could also definitely be entirely platonic, familial even, depending on the chemistry and what going on with Marisol, so I’ll just say I’m excited either way.

The Raven- With the personality traits prescribed to Riann, and their history, I can see this being a super interesting connection. Depending on the plot development, I could see the raven bringing out Riann’s more cut-throat nature, but the way I see it, the Raven is one of Riann’s enemies. They trust their gut too much, and will never really be able to trust the Raven. That being said I wanna throw them together as much as possible because who doesn’t love bringing out the worst in their character?

Other connections- I would like to see someone become almost mentor-like to Riann, or vice-versa. They really do havea great capacity to love, it just takes a lot of time to get there, and I want Riann to CARE about others. Preferably several others. In a variety of capacities. I also want someone to just dislike them- with Riann’s personality, it’s completely plausible. They’d definitely question and distrust anyone with authority over them (they even did with Yalena, to an extent, but there was a level of respect with her not afforded to many).

HEADCANONS:

Riann has a series of 6 freckles down their inner forearm that form a nearly perfect line, and traces them subconsciously if they’re really overwhelmed as a sort of grounding mechanism.

Most of the time, they use they pronouns, but occasionally will identify as especially female. As such, I’d write them mostly as they/them, with the occasional she/her thread, but maintain whichever pronouns I start with through the duration of that thread.

They LOVE spice. Curry especially, but they’ve been known to chow down on hot asian and latin foods as well. Not only do they have a taste for it and enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with the scovilles, but growing up, the spicier their food was, the smaller the chance anyone else would try to eat it. Their affinity was born of necessity, but they’ve grown to truly enjoy a good hot sauce.

CHANGES:

n/a

DETAILED IC INFORMATION

(OPTIONAL STUFF; THIS IS ALL MERELY SUGGESTIONS, NONE OF IT IS REQUIRED)

Character tropes and archetypes related to this character: Bunker Woman, Affectionate Pick Pocket, The Artful Dodger,  Friend in the Black Market, Karmic Thief, Little Miss Con Artist Other: Defrosting the Ice Queen/The Power of Friendship,  Hidden Heart of Gold, Anti-Villain,

Goals: I’d love to see Riann swing towards an extreme- their self-interest keeps them rather neutral politically and such, but the right plotting could make them go Good™ or Bad™ and I’m so ready for EITHER. I want them to make someone mad and get their ass kicked, to show them they’re not quite as independent and strong as they think they are. I want their morality to be put to the test, and have to choose between saving a life and killing, or the consequences of doing nothing in a situation where they can do something. I want them to deal with authority figures and get to a point where they accept that authority figure. I don’t see Riann as a leader, per say, but they’d make a great sidekick eventually, and then, depending on the long run, it’d be interesting to make them step up as leader as well, but that’s not what I see in the immediate future.

I made a mockblog for them (sideblog to this one to reblog inspo and such): https://vulpeculamockblog.tumblr.com/

ANYTHING ELSE?

I also answered the ability question for the doppleganger morphing because I also think it’s really cool, and would love to play with either!

#defianceacceptance

[harkasun]

Okayy so I recently ruined my life by watching like 14 years of a tv show in less than a month. So now, yes, I sold my soul to the one and only supernatural fandom (courtesy of @downworlderss)

I just got a couple of remarks for this show and none of it had any structure or order so here we go.

*MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ALL THE SEASONS*

This show fucking ruined me, binge-watched seasons 1-12 in about 4 weeks, my pinterest board had over 700 pins in like a week afterwards

It started off genuinely creepy and then kinda digressed and idk if I just got desensitised or what

John Winchester is a terrible father

Bobby Singer is an amazing father

I was really confused when season 5 ended because I still had 6 more dvds (and season 12 on amazon prime cause I couldn’t get the freaking dvd because being British sucks sometimes) and I thought it was ending at season 5 because DEAN WAS FINALLY HAPPY DAMNIT

It was about season 7 when I got a new pair of glasses ‘cause my eyesight got worse and made the realisation that JENSEN ACKLES HAS FRECKLES WHAT

Called it that Chuck was God from the moment I saw him- he literally fucking told them he was a god come onnn

Dean’s contact name for Castiel in season 11 or 12 or whatever better be a fucking joke because it’s Cas not Cass

I thought I couldn’t hate Metatron more and then he goes and spells his name with a double S and I decided he needed to die

The subtitles also say Cass (on amazon anyway) and.. just no, okay? It’s CAS

Cried when Cas killed Balthazar

Kevin’s life went to absolute shit and idk if it was terrifying or hilarious

THE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN J2 AND MISH IRL YES

Naomi is actually the worst, why do more people not hate on her? She tortured Cas and I am not okay with that I was happier when she died than when Metatron did I’m not joking

Sam kinda breaks my heart

THE WINCHESTER RELATIONSHIP SAM AND DEAN HAVE SUCH BROTHERLY COMPASSION DIE FOR EACH OTHER ALWAYS

Gadreel was decent, okay? I think I genuinely liked him and I don’t care.

I mean I know he killed Kevin but still

CROWLEY OWNS THE FREAKING MOON

Cas, honey, you’re a wonderful person/angel but mannn do you fuck up sometimes, I mean seriously

Misha Collins is a fucking incredible human being and his acting skills give me goosebumps I’m deadly serious. What with Cas and Crazy!Cas and Castifer and Godstiel and Levi!Cas and MetaMisha I have so much respect for this man and he is a national treasure.. of America.. damnit

I threw something when Charlie died

Lucifer is actually really cute (mainly just when he’s in Sam’s head though) but yeah, I think I love satan is this an issue

Okay but sometimes it hits me that Jared and Jensen and Misha are just three middle-aged dads running around pretending to stab things and smite demons I think that’s beautiful

I think I cried when the angels fell I can’t remember

Fuck Adam, I don’t care about him honestly- if he comes back he’s gonna be a crazy bitch- we should all just forget about him like the boys did

I’m pretty sure Mary Winchester is actually a terrible mother

Jody Mills is a fucking incredible mother, she’s like mum bobby

Season 12 made me hate my own nationality because THE BRITISH MEN OF LETTERS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES OKAY I was so happy when the freedomsquad rolled in with their whiskey and flannel and UGHH it was so good to see Britain fall, okay?

Apart from Mick, he was okay… before he died

Okay, but the season 12 finale

I WAS SOBBING FOR A SOLID 14 MINTUES

I HAD TO LEAVE MY HOUSE I WALKED UNTIL I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE I WAS

TURNED OUT I WALKED 6 MILES FROM MY HOUSE SO I HAD TO WALK 6 MILES BACK

12 MILES BECAUSE OF CAST-FUCKING-IEL

Dean’s reaction made me wanna throw myself off a bridge

I didn’t even care about the Nephilim by that point

Just Cas’s relationship w/ Dean (I am neutral ground between platonic and destiel atm) but whatever you think you cannot deny that these two fucking love each other and it’s just so damn beautiful

JIMMY NOVAK IS THE BEST FATHER IN THIS THING

The Novak storyline just makes me cry

Lucifer Cas was genuinely disturbing at times but this fucking line is now my life

Actually so many things Castifer says and just the way Misha portrays all of the alter egos. It’s just amazing.

When we’re introduced to Levi!Cas Misha freaking Collins wtf how do you do that crazy thing with your eyes that makes you look like a completely different person

When Dean calls Cas his brother and says ‘i want you to know that’ is so fucking important to me because this wonderful being has been hunted by his angel brothers and sisters and Dean Winchester does not idly throw around a word like brother this scene was so special

Assbutt

Castiel’s wings scorched onto the ground just hit me so fucking hard and goddamnit it I can’t deal with that because he’s actually dead

Just… Castiel

-I’ll probably think of a load more this show man…

UPDATE:

HOW THE FRICKATY FRACK DID I FORGET GABRIEL

The car scene with Gabe and Cas and the parallels between them and the Winchester boys

BITCH PLEASE YOU’VE BEEN GOD MORE OFTEN THAN DAD HAS

I don’t think I stressed Balthazar enough because his death and the fact that Cas did it killed me.. and him

Crowley crowley crowley crowley

These boys are frustrating as fuck sometimes get your damn feelings sorted out you are brothers for fucks sake love each other always

It’s just when they’re like ‘oh we can’t be brothers anymore how could you do that to me’ and I’m sat there thinking ‘YOU LITERALLY DID THE SAME EXACT THING TO HIM LAST FUCKING SEASON COME ON’

Alsooo when Cas is Castifer everyone just seems to forget that, hello, CAS IS BEING POSSESSED BY LUCFIER DO YOU WANNA KEEP HIM SAFE IS HE YOUR FRIEND OR WHAT. And then Dean goes ‘what about Cas’ and I’m marginally satisfied

This scene

LOVED THIS SCENE

I always love Lucifer until he goes after Cas and then I hate Lucifer and when he’s doing something else I love him again

This is not devil worship

Sam’s exasperation and the bitch face is honestly so funny to me I have no idea

SASSTIEL

The fact that Cas thinks so little of himself that the only way he believes he can be ‘of use’ to the boys is BY ENDLESSLY SACRIFICING HIMSELF

STOP CAS

YOU’RE FUCKING LOVED

Also the way Dean screams Cas’s name and how Sam has to drag him back through the portal to their side in the season 12 finale PFFFH don’t even get me started

So is Gabe alive or what?

So is Cas alive or what?

SO AM I ALIVE OR WHAT

UPDATEUPDATE

The storyline with Hannah and Cas was SO uncomfortable

Like, they’re literally siblings and the whole weird half-romantic subplot was just... ergh

I’m so fucking hyped for season 13, give me scooby-doo spn and I sure hope it’s Gabriel because, honestly, who else would put them in scooby-doo, pleaseeee give me richard speight jr

I’ve been reading a ton of fanfic, this has ruined me. There’s this wonderful author on fanfic.net called 29pieces who does amazing fics and they’re my life now

Cas’s eyes yes please give me the sky

Spn is creepy ass monsters and traumatizing characters and heartbreaking scenes

But sometimes they just throw in a crack episode and they keep me sane, honestly. I would be in a limitless pool of tears if not for the crack eps and the gag reels

THE GAG REELS

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES HE GOES FROM CAS TO MISHA IN LIKE A SINGLE SECOND

Back to sadness

CAS’S FACE AFTER METATRON SAYS ‘he’s dead too’

And he sees dean’s blood on the angel blade

HEARTBREAKING NO THANK YOU

SEASON 9. MAKES. ME. SO ANGRY. HOW DARE SAM AND DEAN HUNT WHILE CAS IS HOMELESS AND COLD AND A L O N E

I’m so sad about Cas being homeless because Misha and oh my god

Future!Cas also makes me sad because I know it’s funny and all to see Cas high but thinking about the road that led him there is not

Thinking about Cas’s depression that led him to drug abuse keeps me up at night

I NEED CHUCK TO TELL CAS HE’S HIS FAVOURITE BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY PLEASE

My angel feels inadequate and I cannot handle that today 

Everything about Cas just makes me sad

#supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #Castiel #jensen ackles #misha collins #jared padalecki #lucifer #naomi #john winchester #mary winchester #gadreel #charlie bradbury #kevin tran #crowley #i'm ruined #emotional wreck #i hope you're happy

[promisedangel]

The Dark Spiral

This is a paid commission for an irl friend of mine who asked me to take as many moments from his fight with depression as possible and weave it into a small tale with a special, not real so don’t worry, end. I admit this is a lot more fragmented than my usual work, but vignettes are really all I could dig up.

Enjoy

It started off with just a question from myself, “James… are you okay?” I looked at my friend across the table, his head facedown and nested in his arms. He mixed a whine and a moan, “I’m fine.” I knew better. We knew better. Behind me, I felt her materialize. My beloved creation. My genie, Clara. Only I could see her currently. She whispered in my ear, her long silver hair draped past, “It’s the same as you.” She was right. The disinterest in the Pokémon TCG league around him, of which he was an unofficial gym leader, the lack of focus... This was depression. The same kind I suffered.

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The ongoing weeks showed many more signs. Lack of interest, appetite, and aloofness for anything other than myself or Clara. He ended up quitting his gym leader position and began to go to league less often. He at first said he didn’t have money for the bus, but then we worried after three straight weeks of not going. Thankfully, his mother saw what was happening. She signed him up for therapy. He confided in me in person, “Hey… could you not tell anyone yet that I’m going to therapy? I just…” He sighed, “I just don’t want anyone else to know yet.” I frowned, “Okay…” He smiled, “My first appointment is the 30th. Can… you be there for support?” I grimace, “I dunno if they’ll let me in… I’m not family…” “I’m sure we can think of something.” “…I’ll be there.” He gave a look of relief, “Thanks, Amy.” The day comes, and the homework I have is mountainous. I try to focus on it, try to get some of it done. After a few hours, I feel confident enough to take a break. I notice the time. I remember and panic. I begin to cry, “No…” I want to confide myself with someone, but I remember my promise. I quickly pull out my phone and text James in a panic, “I’m so sorry I was wrapped up in my homework that I totally forgot! T.T you’re probably in session right now or about to be. Gods, this is horrible of me.” I get a text back from James, “We’re here…” I continue with tears streaming down my face, “I don’t know if I could do anything there, I would be so late, gods the one time I don’t set an alarm is always the most important things!” I pause, I can feel Clara try to physically console me, but it goes right through my back. Forever a ghost on my plane of existence. She silently resigns herself to watch as I text James again while in sobs, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry…” Through my sobs, I hear Clara, “You… can still go…” I sniffle and close in on myself, “But-“ Clara floats in front of me from above, her face curious, but playful, “You can be there when he gets out. That’s something. You pushed for him to go to therapy. Sure, his mom noticed, but you were the one poking him about it. You did all this to help him, right?” I sigh and wipe my tears, “Yeah.” “So, don’t beat yourself up about it so much.” She smiled. I ended up going after all.  I gave James a hug after he got out and congratulated him on this first big step. Yet, there were still so many bumps along the way.

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He began to be more aloof at league, often not playing any games or even conversing with our friends. I texted him as I arrived at league, “U coming today?” He responded simply, “No….” “Why?” I could only imagine the sigh, “No money for the bus is the main reason. Also just meh…” Thinking he was done, I responded, “K.” He wasn’t finished, “I’m just losing interest in coming to league now. Seems like a waste of money every week. Anyway, don’t worry about me, I’m not that important anymore. Have fun at league.” I frown, “U r important.” “Doesn’t seem like it…” I feel at the loss of how to respond, so I end up not doing so. I find time to enjoy the TCG league, but he texted me later, “Well, once again, I make a mistake in life… should have came to league instead of staying home… or just stayed in my room…” I roll my eyes, “See? Isolation makes things worse.” “No… I shouldn’t have gone and played basketball… would have been safer to stay at home honestly…” I panicked, even Clara was now focused on the text, “Oh shit, what happened?!” “I got hit in the face not once… but twice.” I lightly hit my head on the table around me and groan. I whisper to Clara and myself, “Really?!” Clara sighed and pouted, “Why did your mind jump to a broken limb?” “Because that’s how my mind works.” She shrugged as I continue the text conversation, “Oh…” He explained the incident, “Once while on defense, got popped hard on the chin. Surprised I’m still standing to be honest… the other I didn’t see someone pass the ball back to me, didn’t expect it and well… yeah.” “It happens.” “If I stayed home, wouldn’t have happened. I’m back in the safety of my home though now.” “Did you get some ice on it?” “No… I don’t think it’s hurting that bad… yet… who knows…” I let it go, tempted to respond again, but knew it wasn’t worth it. But these sorts of put-downs continued from him. The sense of uselessness and loss of agency still remained. Therapy was only once a month at best. All the while, he locked himself in his home, often not going to league or even attempting to find something to do.

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He found some comfort in talking to Clara. It was an interesting experience to have the genie either whisper in my ear or possess my body to talk/text directly. One day, I allowed her to occasionally control my hands from a distance as James texted his almost trademarked greeting via text, “Mew…” “Hi.” “What’s up, Clara?” My hands began to move by themselves, even as the genie was far away. Clara typed out, “The sky? But I’m also kinda high up atm. Flying is great when you don’t have to worry about planes!” “At least you’re having more fun than the sack of flesh I am.” “I’m sure you’re having fun! Amy’s being boring and surfing the web while using the tv.” “I’m going grocery shopping with my mom and uncle…” I could feel Clara’s tinges of disappointment, “Well, it’s doing something.” He texted hints he would say this in mumbles, “Still wish I was in an eternal sleep…” Clara texted back immediately, “No.” “Why?” I felt her pained tone, her voice began to echo in my mind. I was now focused on the conversation, “It’s horrible.” “Can’t be that horrible.” Clara immediately jumped into my body. She spoke with my own voice, “Sorry, Amy. He keeps asking… he has to know…” I sighed, able to speak myself, “Go ahead.” Clara nodded before she texted him, her eyes lit crimson like fire. Her inner voice rang darkly yet sensual, as though it was someone else’s voice, “What you are wishing for will not help. In fact, it would only compound your problems. Putting your soul in an eternal sleep will only cause you to live your life over and over again while you sleep. You would never escape the torment.” There was a pause, which gave Clara a chance to calm down. The fire died down, but she continued, “Anyway, if you put your soul to sleep it will merely repeat not just your current life, but you could possibly delve into worse lives.” “Okay… sorry if I offended you, Clara… seems like I put both of you through a living nightmare with all my problems.” The fire inside Clara rekindled briefly. Her tone turned cruel as she gave a condescending laugh, “Your problems are a living nightmare? Do you remember what kind of character development you helped Amy form for me?!” I push Clara out of the conversation, unconsciously texting James as well, “What is wrong with you?!” Clara huffed as her eyes slowly fade away from crimson to their normal blue. I spoke to her only, “Stay there, I’m going to examine you after this.” I turn back to the text to see he has responded, “She’s right, though. Besides, you two have been taking care of me for almost a year now. I probably owe you so much.” I sigh, “You don’t owe us anything.” Clara chimed in once more, now calmer, “Just look for happiness, that would be more than enough.” “Well… you both make me happy… and well... video games.” I start to smile again, “See? Talking to people always feels good!” “I suppose it’s working for now…” Clara quickly took the texting power into her hands and wrote, “It always does. Humans are social creatures, and yes there are introverts, but there is a difference between introversion and self-imposed isolation.” I shiver slightly, I text and speak, “You sound like a psych ward.” James texted back, “Amazed they haven’t sent me there yet.” I grimace, “Those are for panic attacks and extreme cases. Your condition is not in that league. Granted, if it continues downward, it will.” “Yeah, you’re right.”

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James’s depression continued. I began to think of ways to get him out of his house all of the time. I started driving him to league and encouraged him to seek out new activities. We texted each other one night, he texted, “Tomorrow marks 2 weeks… one week from my next appointment…” I text back, “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” “Doubt it… still haven’t done the homework she wanted me to do… doubt it’ll ever get done… and I just don’t know anymore about this whole thing.” I remember my trepidation to my own therapist and decide to give some advice, “It always sucks at first, but you will progress with time. Since you have a couple appointments a month technically, give it a couple months. And if it’s not helping maybe another therapist will be able to help.” “I don’t have a couple months though to wait… by then I’ll be like… 20 feet under and my life in worse shape. Why can’t we just agree that there’s a problem with me and I’m a hopeless case?” I groan and rub my temples. We’ve had this song and dance before. I growl lightly as I text, “You’re not a hopeless case. That’s how I felt at first. And I swear to god if you are seriously contemplating suicide I will never forgive you. I will reach into whatever afterlife you go to and I will slap you so hard, you will have a bruise in your next life.” “I doubt I could do something like that. I’d just hide in a dark hole for the rest of my life... All I know is that my future is dim and my options are very slim.” “Then look for new options, seek them out. You could search for a part-time job until you figure something out.” “But this whole thing was to figure out if I could hold down a job…” “It’ll get you out of the house, and give you some money. Look. There are some positions available at my work. Can you put in one application?” “I don’t know how.” “I’d obviously help you…” “Oh.” I could hear the deep sigh, “Fine... Only because you keep bugging me about it…” He applied, and I helped him along the way. He ended up getting a job in the department next to mine. I felt good that I could keep an eye on him. He seemed to do well. It was only a little over a week after he started that he asked me to take him home. Everything was okay at first, but he suddenly bent over and began to sob. I speak, “Whoa?! What’s wrong?!” He sobs, “I’m so useless!” “Wait, what happened?!” “Why does everyone think I’m good at my job when I’m shit?” I raise a brow, “But, you’re doing well! Your boss—heck, my boss likes you!” “But I’m barely doing anything!” I begin to sound upset, “You’re new! You’ve only been here just a week. They all know the struggle and can help you!” He just continued to cry. I sigh, “Just… let it out…” At safe spots, I occasionally rubbed his back during the drive to help calm him down.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Everything was getting worse. He wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t eat. I sent Clara to console him, as some nights he would cry himself to sleep. Though he could not touch her, they could see and talk to her. He sighed, laying at the edge of his bed, “I don’t know what to do anymore…” Clara crooked her head, confused, “Don’t you have to sleep for work tomorrow?” James covered his face and curled slightly, “I don’t want to go to work.” “But, you have to, right? So you can get money, right?” “I don’t… want to suffer through this life anymore.” Clara floated above him with a pout, “But you don’t suffer.” “Yes, I do.” “Maybe just your mind…” James was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Chara gave a curious look, “What’cha thinking about?” “You… can grant wishes… right?” “Well I am a genie!” “Then... can you affect my soul?” Clara hesitated, “…Yes.” His eyes gained confidence. He sat up and spoke clearly, “I want you to transform me into a character in your world.” Clara looked upset, “Why? Why would you want to just give up your life? It’ll be harder in my world-“ He nearly yelled, “I don’t care!” Clara jumped back slightly. He calmed down and began to sob, “I just… can’t take it anymore.” Clara sighed, “What about Amy?” He groaned, “Shit, she’ll never forgive me-“ He perked up, “Wait! You could clone my soul!” Clara looked unsure, “I guess… I could split your soul in half… have one half keep the memories… then I could do it. But, you’d lose yourself…” James smiled, “Sounds perfect. Clara. I wish for you to do all that.” Clara sighed. Magic began to dance around her and James until it focused on him. He felt a sharp pain in his chest before he felt his soul dragged from his body, which fell on the bed, unconscious. In her hands, Clara split the soul in two, keeping the memories in one. She shoved that half back into James’s body. It breathed heavily but remained unconscious. Clara looked at the soul in her hand and frowned. It looked familiar. A portal opened next to her and she smiled, “I guess this is really the first time we met. See you later, Chingu.” She tossed the soul into the portal before it closed and she immediately fainted.

#commission #irl friends #genieclara #depression #self deprecation

[damatris]

Just musings about bad mental health and stuff to organize my thoughts. So there’s not really any point here. Just a long, long rambling (like always) introspection.

Soooooo.... Couple days ago I got diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder which was no surprise. I knew it would happen. I already had had diagnose for cyclothymia for almost 2 years. That’s like a little sibling for BiPo, since it’s a mood disorder but a bit milder. And things have gotten worse from the time it was slapped on me, so yeah, I knew it’d be a diagnose upgrade. 

Which makes it really stupid to be bummed out over it. I knew it was gonna happen and it doesn’t even change anything (except the meds slightly). I had already started to see a therapist again. That’s how the diagnose change started anyway. So. Yeah. Feels silly to be upset over it. Then again, it’s also frustrating to feel silly about it because it’s not a stupid thing to be upset about. Even if I knew it in advance. 

But the thing is, I guess that I had kinda hoped in some way that it would be a temporary mood imbalance. You know, what with being a young adult and what not, which, actually, is something my previous therapist actually mused about in passing. Hello there, causality. I had also kinda hoped that getting help early on could have prevented it getting worse. Too bad it didn’t actually help and I did get the full bipolar disorder. I don’t actually even know if there’s anything that could have prevented it from happening but still. 

But yeah, nope to that, this’s gonna be a life long thing to live with. Such fun. 

I mean, I’m perfectly aware that BiPo is something that can be kept well in check and not have it affect life too much (changes case by case but still). My mom has the same disorder, has been diagnosed with it for almost 10 years now, and she has been doing really well for several years now. She has also been on disability pension for some years now. 

And that’s kinda bugging me. I’m 24 with a “worthless” degree in fine arts (just so you know, I don’t regret that choice in the least) and honestly, that doesn’t make for very bright job prospects by itself but add BiPo to it? Not good. Although, tbh I’m not very interested in finding a job not in art field in any case but. It’s helluva hard to get work done even within my preferred field. 

Basically, I’m just not fit for work atm. Even tho I’m having a pretty even cycle right now, working is still really hard. Earlier this summer it was even worse and since I also took part in a group exhibition I did have to work but fuck if it wasn’t hard to get things done. And I can’t even say i like most of the things I made for there. At least I can be proud that I actually managed to produce something. It’s better than nothing. And I had minimal amount of actual break downs so that’s something too. 

I just can’t handle stress at all. It just causes a critical system error and makes me start unraveling. Which really pisses me off because I want to work. I want to have a career in art, in comics. But I’m not able to put the necessary work in. I know that I could be so much closer to that goal if not for this. Yeah yeah yeah, should-would-could thinking isn’t productive. Still pisses me off. 

 And there’s another group exhibition coming up this fall too. And It’s probably super unhelpful to my general well being but I’m already stressing a bit about it even tho it’s still a couple months away (I think) but fuck. If it’s already looming in my mind, I’ll probably get super anxious about it the closer it gets and then I get to again experience the joys of executive dysfunction, bone deep depression, anxiety and panic attack or two. Stressing about stressing is really stupid. Maybe I’ll get a conveniently placed hypomania and get everything done in like a week? Ok, bad thought. I don’t actually want that. Hypomania sucks too, just differently.

But hey, at least I’ll have better meds this time around and steady therapy schedule so maybe it will be fine. Maybe I’ll suddenly develop coping mechanisms that will keep things in check. 

Anyway, for such a small change this sure is fucking with me way more than I thought it would. I honestly thought I was all good and had accepted the situation but apparently not. Well, fuck. Whatever. Guess I just need to chew on it a bit more. It’s gonna be fine. Just fuck my life right now. 

#iida rambles #mental health #idk this probably sounds bad but it's honestly fine #just venting #and fuck my life

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

#bpdblack.txt #ask #about me #blackness is ethereal #recovery #medication #self dx #hospitalization #bpd

[mymentalhealthiguess]

Rant

So one of my biggest character flaws is that I am insanely loyal to friends

But also if we are having trouble in our relationship

If you suddendly start being bitchy or ignoring me I expect you to tell me the reasons rather than asking asking asking

Did that with an old friend and he told me what was annoying him about me but it didn't matter in the end (I am still not saying anything bad about him and kinda miss him but like I need people to communicate with me)

Anyways

One example of that loyalty is my ex best friend that I know since first grade and was friends with since 5th we kinda lost our bond in 9th grade but fixed that after we changed school together. Then the next year she broke up with her boyfriend who she was in a long distance relationship with (and who ironically is one of my closest friends now) and we were also in a Whatsapp group (her and her ex and his best friend and some other people) and apparently the best friend of her ex texted her after she broke up with the ex because she broke up over WA and he was like 'that's not alright it's a shitty way to break up' (like yeah it is but also long distance relationships suck for breaking up) and she blocked him (the ex's best friend) and so he wrote into the group that we all were in and telling my x-bff that that was not alright fair yada yada and the rest of the group was like "honestly please talk in private" and then at one point she left the group alongside another guy who was attacking the x's best friend so the group kinda split but now only the original group exists (oh and she was so petty she removed me from every group that she was admin of and I was member) and at that point we were kinda okay like she was upset that I didn't defend her (but like I didn't know how and understand both sides and didn't wanna lose either so I told her that) we were still texting from time to time and at one point we were hardly texting and I was out with a friend from class (that she was also friends with; she was not in our class anymore because she changed into a class where you have to do a year longer but then have a slightly higher degree) and we were shopping and saw something that we thought she would like so I tried to send it to her because my internet was better and that's how I found out that she had blocked me

Next story that is happening in the current time line at my current school (actually changed into the degree that my ex best friend changed into but basically am a year below her so we do not see each other anymore as I am in my last three weeks of school) (I actually could have changed into the class that my ex best friend was in but decided to not keep French and instead take Spanisch and do three years instead of two (actually I think her being in that class was one of the reasons because up until her last year she and her friend would throw me hateful glances with me smiling back at them for the last few weeks of that glances ✌))

So that girl we are talking about now. Met her short before the first year at this school and we were super close up until the middle of our second year at the school (honestly no idea what changed and I think I asked but idk anymore) and then we were okay but not really fine ya know. So flash forward towards the end of last year. There was a party on the last day before the winter break (it was the pre party for our last day of school (there will be a parade and another party)) and when we bought the cards for the party we both said that we would go to the party together. And I was like "shall we meet up there" and she was like okay. So on the day of the party I was asking her "where should we meet up" and she told me that she was going to the Party with some other girls from our class (that she wasn't/ isn't really friends with and they are kinda annoyed with her atm or always have been but you can really notice atm) and she was also like "I thought you would go with XXX" (my three friends from class that I am still friends with and two of them ended up being sick and one had to visit her family in France on that day (well the whole weekend they were just leaving on that day)) so while I was with my sister at the party she hates parties and was chilling at the side line. I did a whole lot of dancing and also brought two Slavic bartenders empty glasses that were just standing around (cuz that shit dangerous cuz they were real glass not the plastic most clubs have for that reason that they break and people could get hurt) so for the whole night I paid for a total of two or three drinks and got the number of one of the bartenders ✌ (we don't text anymore tho cuz he is not my type)

Also one of my friends who was sick was friends with one of the girls (L) my ex friend (H) went to the party with and apparently H told L that I said that she could not sleep over at my house and if she had no place to sleep then she wouldn't be able to go to the party. Like she didn't even ask me? I would have said yes but I that's not sth that I think about on my own.

H was also in a whatsapp group with XXX and me but X kicked her out of the group because she was only texting in the group when she wants something (like know if any lessons are cancelled the next day and the homework we had and if someone had the homework and if she could copy it (like basically school stuff that you would know if you're organised enough) the other day she asked me when our final exams are?? Like they are the most important dates in your school life (that are also on the schools website btw) how can you not know? and today she asked when our prom is (again also highly important and also is in the class group chat (sent her a Screenshot of that (i am smart and go favourite everything that is important in there xD) cuz I am way too nice)

And like in general she would expect me to explain school material to her (now she asks our other seat neighbours) and then be mad when I get better grades than her?

(Okay the other day I was not nice to her we got a tinzy test back and she asked me to tell her what grade she got and she got a B- and while B- is not a bad grade it is kinda in religion cuz religion is easy and also the worst test grade was B- (told her that too) but I bet that she was not the only one with a B- So after I texted her her grade she was like "great more bad news that I need" like ?? It's just a "bad" grade that is not even a bad grade and totally not my fault)

Also every time I get a worse grade than her she is happy and like in one economic exam I got a better grade then she did even though I literally wrote some of my notes and studied for the exam from 4 - 7 am on the day of the exam (it's not the only econ exam I had a better grade in than here (partially because I did have econ at the "school" (like it's the same school just a different degree) I attended before and my old econ teacher was better than the one we got now) but like that happens and she should not be a cry-i Bitch about it and then rub into my face when she gets a better grade than me

Also our economics is split into two subjects "public" economics and more business studies (the one I talked about before is the business studies one) so in the "public" economics one our teacher told us to present some newspaper articles and we could either do that because we wanted to and she picked some people who had to better their grade (and I was one of the second group and I couldn't understand why I was picked and H was like "you don't say much in class" and I told her than we both participate about equally in that class and she didn't have to do that presentation of news (I ended up being able to dodge having to present & H and me ended up having the same grade on our report card so much about me being more quiet)

I think my rant is over

Actually the first female friend I mentioned also has a name with an H so in my experience they do not begrudge you anything (better keep your Nazar hella close to you) (also pretty sure the second H still owes me money and pretty sure I will never see that money again)

#rant #ranting about ex friends