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iwhishtomeetinournextlife · 3 years

Text

An anonymous lover (part 6)

Summary : Y/N sees Sirius Black running away after a particularly rough letter from his mother. She wants to cheer him up and decide to send him a letter, anymously, she knows how much he hates her house.

Warnings : Slytherin!Reader, female!reader, not proof read, panick attack

Word count : 2k

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - You're here - Part 7

English is not my first language, sorry if there is any mistakes

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Y/N didn’t go to class, she felt like shit, completly like shit. She was in her bed, rolled in her blanket, looking at nothing, the argument with Sirius playing in her head over and over again. Tears would have rolled down if she hadn’t cried all of them already.

She simply couldn’t believe it, a part of her wished so hard that was all a nightmare. But she knew it wasn’t, she had let her guard down and had been stabbed a million time by the very person she had trust enough to tell all of her being.

She hated how much this impacted her, she should be used to it by now, shouldn’t she ? It wasn’t like student from other house hasn’t already told her all those things ; “monters”,”abomination”,”shame”... It wasn’t rare for slytherin for being bullied just for bieng slytherin, most of them have built up walls to protect themselves.

She even got comment from other slytherin, the bad one, those who gave a bad name to this house, on how she doesn’t deserve to be here, that the Hat had made a mistake, because surely there was no way “a dumb”, “snoflake”, “less than nothing” had ended up in the house of the greatest wizard of the magic world !

All their insults started to spin in her head, she had tried so hard to not let them get to her but Sirius’ comments just validated them. They were right, she was a shame, to her house, to this school, probably to her family and friends too, why would anyone wants to be with her anyway ?

She started to feel herself suffocating in her duvet, so she took her blanket off. Her hands were trambling, hearts pounding faster than an hyppogryff at full speed, she could barely breath and started to panick even more. It wasn’t the fisrt that happened to her, so she tried to remember Madam Pomfrey’s advices.

She closed her eyes and focused on her breath, trying to gain control back, it took many tries, but after minutes who felt like hours, she was able to breathe properly. She sighed in relief, and for a few minutes, just looked at the floor, debating with herself of what to do and letting her time to recover from what just happened.

She tapped her thigh vigourously and stood up, she wasn’t going to let a heartbreak lead her life ! She was going to take a nice shower and get into comfortable clothes and get out of her room !

After cleaning herself up, she still didn’t feel like going to class, fearing of a new break down, so got dress, she took some school supplies and went to the slytherin common room, it was dark, with tall walls and big windows to have a look in the Black lake. Mermaids came sometimes, communications was a bit hard but it was kind of fun to bound with these creatures, she loved watching them swin, it was mesmerising.

She sat down on a window seat, were cushion had been placed and as well as a tray for those who –just like her- wanted to study. This would give her the possibility of being productive despise not going to class, and avoid thinking of Sirius for a while –she did let her potion books and notes in her bedroom just to be safe-

After a few hours, she was proud of herself for all the work she had done, all her homeworks were done, and she even took the time to do studies in advance, she had not think of Sirius that much, and was now looking at the lake, some mermaids were playing together a bit further, it was hide to see since the water of the lake wasn’t clear but if you focused enough, you could see it.

But she was took out of her observation when she felt a tap on shoulder, when she looked it was Collins, the prefect who guide her back to the common room last night. She was so overwhelmed yesterday, she hadn’t took the time to look at him, she hadn’t realised he was a fellow slytherin. She didn’t care much of her house structure if she was honest, she had no idea of who was headboy or girl, prefect or member of the quidditch team.

She took a good look at him, he was tall with blond curly hair and dark eyes, quite cute actually. But then it hit her, was she in trouble for skipping class ? Shit, had she missed McGonagall detention ? So she just at him, waiting to be reprimand or something, but it didn’t happen, he just looked at her and then away, oppenning and closing his mouth, trying to say something.

She decided to end his suffering and spoke, “Yes ?” He hesitate a bit more before looking finally at her. “Are you.. Are you okay ?” This took Y/N by surprise, she wasn’t expecting him to worry about her, when he guided her back, he hadn’t said a word and clearly looked uneasy, she thought he would do anything to avoid her.

“Hum, well, yeah, thanks for asking.” An akward silence set between the two for a few seconds, Y/N decided to put her stuff away since she wasn’t going to study again. “Do you need anything else ?” Collins jumped, surprised to hear her after the seconds of silence. “No.. I mean YES ! I … well..” he clearly didn’t know what to say, that’s adorable though Y/N. She motion him to sit down in front of her.

He did so and sighed, before slamming his hand on face, “Sorry, this is akward, I don’t know what to say”, Y/N laughed a bit “I can see that !” she teased. He became all the shade of red. “What about some presentation first ? I’m Y/N Y/L/N” she reached out her hand.

He smiled and shook her hand. “Benjamin Collins, but please, call me Ben” She nodded. “So, Ben, what else did you have to tell me ? “

He looked down at his hand, playing with his thumbs, “I.. I don’t know. After what happenned last night I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and when I didn’t see you at mealtime, I got a bit worried”. Y/N openned her mouth, it was her turn to not know what to say, that was just so sweet, she didn’t expect it from a stranger. But then her stomach gurgled and it was his turned to laugh. “I ‘m taking that into you didn’t eat yet ? Come with me, we’ll found you something”

And that’s how both of them went to the kitchen, the house elves were nice to make her a little something, and they talked for a few hours. Y/N learned he was a year older than her he was a muggleborn, he had a little sister he was really closed to, she didn’t turn out to be a witch too which made him quite sad but he was proud of her anyway. She spend such a good time with him, it’s actually him who had to remind her of her detention.

To not be late she had to run to her dorm to quickly change, not sure McGonagall would have liked seeing her in a casual outfit, and then she had to run to the classroom, whe she arrived just in time. There, she saw Sirius, who snapped his head at her when she got in clearly waiting for her. But before their eyes could meet, she turned her head and sat down as far as possible from him. It is only now she realised she hadn’t thought of him at all while she was with Benjamin.

He was about to say something but to Y/N’s relief, Professor McGonagall got in, “Perfect, I see you are both here, for your detention you are going to organise all of the books of this class in alphabetical order, without magic, of course” Y/N widen her eyes, there were a lot of books here, it was going to take forever.

Both her and Sirius got up and started to work, Y/N always stepped away the closer Sirius got to her. He eyed her every now and then but she ignore him completly, after a few minutes he looked to see if McGonagall was paying attention to them and when he saw she was busy, he spoke low to Y/N.

“Y/N ?” she ignored him, “Y/N ? Can we talk ?” she still ignore him, “Y/N, please”, she blessed him with a hard look and spoke irritated, “What”

Sirius felt himself getting smaller at her look, he did deserve that. “I’m sorry” she rolled her eyes and kept her work. “I really I’m Y/N, I-.. You didn’t deserve any of the words I said to you, I didn’t believe any of them I-” as he was speaking, she walked away, not giving a glare.

“I know, I know, you’re mad-” she was about to talk but he kept going, wanting to have the chance to finish first “-and I deserve your anger, but I want to make it up to you”

She finally talk, “It’s far too late for sorry, the harm is done, there is nothing you can do”

“There’ got to be something I can do ! Please Y/N”

“You want to make it up to me ? Organise those books so we can be out as soon as possible and stop talking to me”

Sirius frowned, and sighed “I will find a way Y/N, be sure of that” “Get to work, Black”. He grimaced when he heard her uses his last name, he will take a lot more than a simple apology to earn her forgivness, but he was going to make every effort, she was worth all of it. He will take down the moon and give it to her if that would make her talked to him again.

Once they stopped talking it took an hour and a half in total to finish it, Sirius did his best to be as efficient as possible, if she wanted to be out as quickly aas possible, she will. Once they had finish, she quickly excuse herself from Professor McGonagall and walked away.

Sirius sighed, putting his face in his hand. McGonagall walked to him and pat his shoulder, “Good luck Mister Black, you are going to need it”, he thanked her and went to his dorm.

He decided to analyse every letter she has send him, searching for all the things that could make her forgive him, making a list, putting on plans, with the help of the marauders. He had a pretty clear idea, it would take a couple of days to put in place, he hoped so hard it would work.

It was now time for dinner, he went with his friends, once at the table he search for Y/N at the slytherin table, his eye widen when he saw her sitting next to a boy he recognise to be the one who took her back to her common room yesterday. He felt his blood boil in his veign, she was smiling and laughing out loud. Wow, that laugh, he loved it, but he shouted dark glare at the boy, he wanted to be the one to make her laugh.

“Stop tarring” said Remus suddenly, making his friend jumped, “you don’t get to be jalous” Sirius groaned and let his head fall on the table with a hard thud, turning a few heads. “I know, I still don’t like it”

“She moved on fast” noted Peter. James shrugged a bit, “She’s a slytherin” he put his hands in the air when Sirius shot him an angry look, “Wha’ I mean is tha’ they are proud, she wasn’t goin’ to let herself down fo’ you”

Sirius sighed, he guessed that was a good thing ? He didn’t want her to be hurt because of him, but he felt bad for wanting her to care about him more than she does. He put that thought away, he didn’t get to wish for that when he was the one who pushed her away in the first place.

He looked at the two of them once more, clenching his fists, he had to make it up to you, and fast, or else he will lose you forever.

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@blackpinkdolan @jentaculargums @bruxa0007 @deathkat657 @bleh-bleh-blehs @whiskeypowder @edithsvoice @weasleybeb @auggie2000 @the-mess-in-my-head @theincredibledeadlyviper

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I will be on vacation for two weeks with my family, I will probably not be able to update the serie for a while.

Thanks all of you for your support, your like, reblog and nice message, it really warm my heart and motivate me to keep going <3 Love you, have an amazing day

#Harry potter #sirius black fanfiction #an anonymous lover #sirius black #marauders #marauders x reader #x reader

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snlhostharry · 3 years

Text

romeo and juliet thing

harry styles x reader

“rivals” to lovers au

~3k words

warnings: cursing, mentions of sex

my piece for @meetmeinfleetwood ‘s to lovers challenge, congrats on your milestone!

a/n: amazing thing I realized while writing this: if you don’t put it off you can actually get it done in a reasonable amount of time... I will not be applying this to any other aspects of my life

You’ve come to enjoy album release parties. The first one you’d ever been to was the one for your first album, something someone from your publicity team has put together, which they did a decent job on but you did not have a good time. You were so nervous about the album coming out at all that you tried to use alcohol to calm your nerves, so you can’t really remember anything about it besides briefly throwing up in the bathroom. After that incident, you resolved not to drink before the party ever again and the next few you’d been too for other artists were actually fun in their own special ways.

By the time your second album is on the cusp on release, you’ve decided that you deserved it after the mess of writer's block you’d gotten in the middle of trying to write the thing, which had gotten so bad that you’d been called into a “special meeting” by management where they talked for what felt like hours about deadlines and marketing and basically tried to intimidate you into finishing faster. Something happened that allowed you to finish, it was an odd timing but it did help.

But that was ages ago, and you’re trying to focus on the party.

Which is easy enough, winding through the room talking to friends and investors, small talk is easy when you're trying to avoid something else. You’re talking to someone who’s name you are definitely not going to remember when this is over, when out of the corner of your eye you think you see someone who should definitely not be here. When you're finally released from said conversation you walk around the room, trying to find the intruder. You make your way all the way back to the bathroom, when suddenly the person you’ve been looking for slams right into you.

You’re far enough in a corner that you think no one can see you, which is good because if anyone got photos of the two of you together you would never hear the end of it. Harry Styles looks at you like he’s been caught in the act, the guilty expression not leaving his face even as he says, “Funny seeing you here.”

“At my own party?” You ask.

He licks his lips, trying to buy time to think of something to say. “Before you say anything,” He says, treading cautiously, “I was told to come here.”

You narrow your eyes, “By who?”

“Someone who works for me,” He replies, “Which means that someone who works for you gave them the information.”

You groan, “Of course they did, well at least make sure they get your good side when someone comes around to take photos.”

He smiles at that, “That’s every side, love.”

You shake your head, typing a message on your phone and quickly sending it, “It’s not but it’s cute that you think so.”

“Ignoring that little comment,” He says, seeing that your attention is divided between him and the person you seem to be very angrily texting. “It’s a good song you wrote, I’m excited to hear the rest of the album.”

“Oh,” You say, eyes widening, “Thank you..?” He tilts his head to the side gently, clearly his way of asking a question without actually asking a question. “Sorry, I just didn’t realize we were doing the thing where we pretend this is normal, and you are normally at my party.”

He laughs, “Didn’t know there was pretending involved.”

“I’m just so used to pretending to loathe you all day everyday that it's just so natural,” You say, and wait to see if he’ll get the joke.

He shrugs, “Really? I don’t think of you all that much.”

Your phone buzzes in your hand before you can respond, one message sits unread underneath the ten you’d sent a few minutes earlier in rapid succession. Honestly? I invited him because I thought it would be fun. Of course that would be her rationale for not telling you about this very obvious stunt. Inviting your “rival” to your album release party is the perfect way to get your name in some headlines conveniently before the whole thing goes live, not like you need them but then again you do pay people to manage this kind of thing so they figure they should be doing something.

Oh yeah, Harry is supposed to be your “rival.” Think of some of the most infamous musical feuds of all time, and then knock it down a few pegs, and that’s where you would put yours and harrys. No one knows how it really started, something between a couple of twitter stans you’ve been told, but it suddenly gave each of your respective “people” the genius idea to milk that kind of exposure for all that it’s worth. The two of you have been pit against each other ever since the release of your debut albums, both self titled and both released within two weeks of each other. It hasn’t harmed either of you, being compared to the other, since you’re both pretty evenly matched in terms of talent.

It seems to only exist to make the occasional headline when the media remember that it “exists.” There have been headlines wondering if you’ve mentioned him in tik toks (you didn’t) in instagram posts (you were shading someone but not him) and if this whole thing started due to a one night stand that went the wrong way (definitely not).

You pull yourself back into the conversation, realizing you're being rude trying to think of something to respond to the text message. “I’m sorry, you were saying?”

“Who are you rage tweeting over there?”

“Rage texting actually,” You say as another one comes through, “Fucking Melanie.”

“Unfortunate that her parents gave her that as a first name.”

You look up at him right away, “Not funny.” He laughs at his own joke anyway, “Melanie-” You say, holding up your phone for dramatic effect, “Is the head of the PR team, which is three people but anyway she is the one who seems to have coordinated this whole thing as a prank on me apparently.”

“It’s kind of funny,” He says.

You narrow your eyes at him, “I’m sure from your point of view it is.” Suddenly, someone comes rounding the corner near where the two of you are standing, and you freeze on instinct until they pass right in front of you without even looking in your direction. You realize that in a panic, you’d grabbed onto Harry’s hand and you decide that the two of you are going to have to finish this conversation somewhere else. “Come with me,” You sigh, leading him through the back of the room all the way to a small door that leads to an outside area at the back of the venue. You look at him again, his eyes glinting in the lights hanging above your heads. “What were we talking about?”

“Are you ever listening to me?” He asks, half joking.

“Don’t take it personally I’m only half listening to everyone,” You answer, “It’s called multitasking.”

“Seems tiring.”

“Better than being bored,” You say.

He looks at you for a second without saying and then shoves his hands in his pockets, “Why are we out here again?”

“I’m trying to figure out what’s the game plan here, if you’re supposed to be seen here alone, seen with me, if I’m supposed to throw some kind of tantrum about it.”

“Besides the one your already throwing?”

You stop looking at your phone, “Ouch.”

“Punishment for continuing to ignore me.”

You turn off your phone and hold it in your hand gently, giving him your full attention. “I’m listening, but only if you’re going to say something that it’s some kind of thinly veiled insult,” You click your tongue, “You’re one of those guys who flirts by making fun of girls aren’t you?”

He thinks about it, “That’s a type?”

“Yeah, for people who are still mentally in high school.”

“So you wouldn't be interested then?”

You smile, thinking about it. Here’s the thing, despite the fact you very much have been pretending to loathe Harry Styles for two years just so you don’t slip it if someone asks, you recognise now that he is objectively attractive. The curls, and the eyes and the borderline too busy suit jacket he’s wearing (that both of you know costs an exorbitant amount) is all contributing to a look that is working for you at the moment. Also working in his favor? The semi enemies to lovers arc that you have going on in your head. “Despite the fact that I think that kind of flirting is beneath you, at this moment, it’s currently working for me.”

You take a step forward, closer to him, and suddenly your phone starts going off again. You check it briefly, trying very much not to ruin the moment but very cognizant of the fact that this is your party and people are going to start noticing if you're gone. You look down, see it’s not a life or death emergency and look right back at Harry. “Let me guess,” He says, “She wants you to kiss me for the cameras?”

You laugh, “No, but I’m going to do it anyway.” You kiss him, he leans in and you think that you might just seal the deal with harry styles out on this very nice patio when your phone rings again. You pull away when it’s clear that whoever it is needs you desperately, you look at the message, and groan, “Fucking Melaine.” You look towards the door and back at Harry, “Okay this is not over, but I have to go take care of stuff, so just meet me here after the whole thing is over and we will finish this thing.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” You smile, “We could be an epic novel of forbidden lovers, like Romeo and Juliet without the ending.” You pause, “Well maybe with the end if Melanie kills me with her bare hands for not talking to this producer she wants me to meet.”

“Later, then.”

You take him back to your apartment that night. And you invite him back the next day, and then the week and then a few more times after that. As much as you had meant it a joke at the time, the kind of forbidden lovers aspect of trying to keep this whole thing under wraps is sexy in a way that you would never admit outloud.

You’ve both become shockingly adept at sneaking in and out of apartments, neighborhoods (Harry has multiple priorities; why that is you're not exactly sure) and sometimes clubs if you're in a group and it’s dark enough that you think no one will see you.

“Should I climb up through the window?” You ask Harry as you stand in the backyard of his house in London, swimsuit clad even though you’ve gone nowhere near the pool.

Harry looks at you from his place on the ground next to you. He’d refused to get a chirhair to sit on, so he just sits on the ground, looking out over the pool and the fence. “Why would you do that?”

“Romeo and Juliet thing, didn’t he climb through the window to see her?”

He shrugs, wrapping his arms around your bare legs in some attempt to keep your attention on him, “I don’t know, never read it.” He laughs a little, “But I think if you did that some pap would catch you with your ass hanging out of my window.”

You laugh too, “And you would never fucking stop laughing at that.”

“No, I would not.”

You kick your leg out so that you almost hit him right in the face, “Fucker, I thought you were over being mean to me as a tactic. You have successfully romanced me.”

“Really? Because you’re staring at the house like you’re going to kill me for my money.”

“You’d put me in your will? That’s sweet,” You turn to him, pulling your sunglasses onto the top of your head.

“You are so hot right now.”

“It is hot,” You say, looking out at the clear sky, “What an observation.”

“You’re screwing with me.”

“Because I’m too tired to screw you at the moment,” You say, “Can’t we just enjoy one day in one of your two properties out in the sun before you start making me exercise?”

“I wouldn’t call it that.”

“It is work,” You say, rolling your eyes. “I’ve been thinking about that song you played yesterday, I think it needs to be less.. Ethereal.”

“What does that mean?”

You sit down next to him, laying your head in the grass. “Harry Styles is a rockstar, if you’re going to do a sad song, which seems to be your specialty, it needs to at least have a beat.”

“People don’t want to dance to sad songs.”

“Dude,” You say matter of factly, “Of course they do, I do and I think I speak for a very large section of the United States population.You need a sad song you can at the very least scream too, if not full out dance.”

“So what’s your suggestion?” He asks.

“Add more guitar,” You tell him, “Like a lot more. Take all the lyrics you have and put them on a track that sounds like it should be about your new puppy or something.”

“Who writes songs about puppies?”

“It was an example, H.” You sigh, “but you get the point.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t be like that.” He doesn’t say anything for a while, and you let it go as one of his moods for a while. But it goes on for longer than you thought it would be, and eventually you sit up. He’s staring down at his phone, frozen, and then he starts typing without saying anything to you. “What are you looking at?” You ask him, and he doesn’t say anything. “What is it H?” You ask again.

“Fuck it all,” He says, dropping his phone to the ground, and covering his face with his hands as he laid down with his head in the grass.

You pick his phone up off the ground and see that he’s opened twitter. Staring right back at you is a picture of the two of you kissing outside a small restaurant from the night before, you rack your brain trying to think if you saw anywhere when you were there and you swore you didn’t. Like it or not, everyone is going to know about the two of you now, including Melanie who had told you not to interact with Harry after the party expressly. “Shit,” You say, and your phone begins to ring the sound of Temporary Fix filling the small backyard.

“Fucking Melanie,” Harry says, still lying on the ground, “She’s going to ream me.”

“Well at least she’ll do it to both of us,” You groan, not even bothering to go and get your phone. You stand up, as a tension headache begins to form in your temples, “Well I’m going to get into the pool.”

“Now?” He asks you. “Seems like the perfect way to avoid this problem, doesn’t it?”

He also gets to his feet, and takes your hand, “Yeah it does.”

And together the two of you jump into the pool.

It’s an hour before you finally call Melanie back, even though you meant to avoid it for at least another hour. You sit at the kitchen counter while Harry takes a call in another room, dreading this call because you do not want to hear her yell at you for nothing, mostly because you're a grown woman and are above being lectured.

“Were you just not going to tell me about this?”

“Yes, that was the plan.”

“I told you not to-”

“Yeah but I had already made plans by then that I couldn’t cancel.”

“There was one man in the entire world, who you couldn’t fuck-”

“I know, what are the odds?”

“Could you please stop fucking with me for one second?” She says, “This is serious.”

“It’s not that bad, for you I mean.” You shrug, “I mean for me my personal business is all out on the internet now and I’ll be permanently known as one of Harry Styles’ girlfriends but for you what’s better press wise than a good ol enemies to lovers arc? I won’t tell anyone the enemies part wasn’t real if you won’t.”

You hear her sigh from the other end of the phone, and then tap her nails against the desk. “You might be onto something there.”

“I’m always onto something Melanie, I’m the artist here aren’t I?” And you hang up, before you say something that you’ll regret. You’d meant what you said, you were mostly just uncomfortable with everyone knowing who you're dating, especially the harry twitter stans who are known for being very excitable to say the least, you could see why they liked him so much but you would be lying if you said they didn’t scare you. You think of all the interviews you’ll do in the future where people will ask about him, about your relationship and maybe about how it ended.

Harry comes back into the kitchen and grabs two beers from the fridge. He opens both and sets one out in front of you. “How did it go?”

“Fine,” You say. You look at him, “Is this the part where we break up because you can’t be seen with me?” You put your face into the counter and let out another groan.

“Never,” He says, taking a drink, “No one else I would rather weather this shit-storm with.”

You smile, “Same here.”

#guys.. I wrote this so fast #it only took me two days #which makes me nervous that it's bad because it was so fast #but anyway #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction

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extremelyblackandwhite · 4 years

Text

handmaid - 37

PAIRING: mob!sebastian stan x ingenue!reader

WARNINGS: age gap

A/N: this chapter is gonna be the last one and i think i’m gonna need therapy for attachment. finished this chapter after seeing seb’s baby pictures and now i think i need double the therapy. hope you enjoy this chapter, it has been such a pleasure to write for you, it’s been my absolute honour to read all the comments and to offer you this story. thank you so so much for all your support x

A YEAR LATER

Y/N woke up in her bedroom with the sounds of birds chirping, the signs that another spring day was starting to wake up in Paris. Extending her arms, she remained under her weighted blanket for a while, watching the chandelier above their bed. It had been a wedding present from her mother’s part of the family and while both her and Sebastian thought it was a bit too much, they eventually got their contractor to install it in their bedroom in their Paris apartment. It had taken a bit of time to get used to but now she had the ritual of waking up and watching the sun create little rainbows through the clear crystal of the chandelier.

After she felt her awake status surround her whole being, she left her bed, grabbing her dressing gown and wrapping herself around it before taking to the room next to her. Slowly and carefully, she pulled on the handle of the door down, opening it. Her eyes came in contact with the peaceful grey colours of the walls slightly decorated with small little ivory coloured clouds. Coming in closer, she let her hips slightly hit the white crib where the one year old was standing, wide awake with the ear of Sebastian’s old toy bunny, Oreo, in his mouth.

- Hello my little bunny. - she smiled down at her son who, recognising his mother’s voice, immediately started to giggle, extending his arms up to be picked up by her. Y/N merely smiled, extending her own arms towards his crib to pick him and hold him against her chest. - Let’s go have breakfast. Can you say breakfast?

- Dada. - he said with a smile that showed he was proud of himself. She rolled her eyes at the word, if there was something Sebastian had done perfectly was make sure their son’s first word would be dada and while Y/N had been trying to make sure Nate spoke anything else, he only proudly said dada much to her nuisance. Y/N merely smiled as she rolled her eyes, getting him off his grey onesie and into a white shirt with little train drawings and some dark jean overalls. - Dada, dada!

- Say mumma. - she laughed, holding him close as she took to the kitchen where Amelia was starting to cook some breakfast. - Mumma.

- Dadda! - he broke out in laughter, wrapping his chubby arms around his mother’s neck. Y/N merely smiled, sitting down on her chair and pulling the high chair with her foot, popping the tray off so she could sit the baby down who was never happy whenever she strapped him to his high chair which is why Sebastian normally did it himself, but as of today he was still in New York dealing with some business transaction gone wrong. Normally Y/N would’ve travelled along with him but ever since Nate had been born, she had been paranoid someone would try and harm him.

- Morning, Mrs. Stan. - Amelia placed a plate of Y/N’s favourite breakfast, poached egg on mushrooms in front of her and a blue plate of slice bananas in front of baby Nate whose hands immediately went for the slices. - Are you sure you don’t want me to bake the cake for baby Nathaniel?

- Your holiday started yesterday, Amelia. You shouldn’t even be here.

- It’s baby Nathaniel’s birthday.

- So it isn’t due to my husband? - she raised an eyebrow at the maid. - You don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be fine.

- Mr. Stan is worried.

- Mr. Stan is always worried. - to say that Sebastian had upped security since the ill fated Mr. Williams incident was an understatement. If Y/N left the house to go to the bakery, four armed men would follow her around with one in front, one in the back and two on each side. Yet, that was nothing compared to when Nathaniel went outside. She guessed it was a regular thing, after all her small little ball of sunshine was the one who would one of day solely inherit her mother’s fortune, her father’s family and Sebastian’s too. Either way, he was excessive with protection and she should’ve guessed he wouldn’t have allowed her to be alone with their son for a long while. Before she could try and convince the hardworking full time maid to take her much deserved holiday, Nate grabbed his plastic plate, smashing his face against the banana slices making her choke in a laugh. - Alright bunny, that’s enough bananas.

- Don’t be upset at him, Mrs. Stan.

- I won’t if you take your holiday. - Y/N pushed her plate away from her, walking to her son’s high chair. Nate extended his chubby arms towards her, cooing to be removed from it which she complied to, holding him to her chest as she walked over to the living room that was filled with toys and other things belonging to Nate. He was spoiled but in this Y/N couldn’t completely blame Sebastian as she could be even as bad as him when it came to fullfilling her son’s requests.

Placing him on his baby matt, Nate turned onto his belly crawling over to her mother’s knees, looking up at her with a look that could only be described as cheeky. Y/N lowered to her knees, watching as Nathaniel crawled around happily with his toy bunny. He still didn’t say much and was still learning to how to walk, instead putting himself up on his legs, holding onto the couch before eventually collapsing to the ground. Speaking of which, the one year hold grasped onto the white leather and pulling himself off the ground and on his chubby legs, the other hand firmly gripping onto the bunny’s ears.

- Do you wanna try and walk all the way to mumma? - she asked the blue eyed baby who looked away from her and back again. - Go on, come to mumma.

Nate looked at her with confusion, the eyes he had definitely inherited from his father looking around the room almost as if he was preparing to fall into a pit of fire. With Oreo clenched by the ear, he let go of the couch, standing on his chubby baby legs. Before he could take another step, he went tumbling towards the ground yet Y/N was faster than that, moving so she could catch her baby before he got hurt. As he collapsed on her lap, he turned his head up to look at his mother, pouty lips and tear filled eyes.

- It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. - she pushed the brown curls away from his face, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. - It’s okay, mumma will always be here to catch you.

- Mumma. - he babbled, burying his head on her chest.

- What did you say? - she looked down in disbelief but before the baby could say it again the front door opened, a very familiar voice coming through.

- Where’s the birthday boy? - Y/N rolled her eyes, picking Nate up and getting up before walking to the entrance where Sebastian was taking his jacket off, placing away his gun before his wife could complain to him about weapons near the baby. His eyes shined with pride as he watched Y/N stand in front of him, holding their son on her arms, who had taken to hide his face in the middle of her hair. - Someone’s shy today.

- Guess what. - she walked closer to him, pecking him quickly. - Nate said mumma.

- No way. - Sebastian cooed at his son, caressing the top of his head. - You can say mumma, little buddy?

- Dadda! - Nate shrilled out of pure joy, extending his arms towards him which Sebastian gladly took, kissing the side of his head.

- You know, Seb, next time you ask the maid to watch over me at least let me know. - she leaned against him, head on his shoulder. - My father’s security can handle me and Nate when you’re not around, I told you that a million times.

- Can you blame me for wanting you and him to be safe?

- No, I can however blame you for making the hardworking maid work overtime. - she smirked. - How’s New York?

- It’s rather bleak when you’re not there.

- Did you speak with my father? - she questioned, fully knowing Sebastian would probably be questioned by her family back in New York at arrival.

- Yes and both him and Dan think it’s rude that they’re not invited to Nate’s birthday.

- Nate’s not getting a big birthday party, I told them.

- I know, angel, but you know how much your father likes this little bunny. - Sebastian smiled at his son who had taking to munching his jacket’s collar, eyes looking into the ones exactly like his. - Pretty sure the only reason I’m not dead is because I’m his dad.

- C’mon, we need to take Nate’s cake out of the fridge and sing happy birthday before his nap time.

- It’s his birthday, angel. Can’t he skip night time?

- Sure, he can. However if he does then we lose night time fun as you’ll be the one to check on him when he tries to climb out the crib.

- Birthday cake time it is. - he followed Y/N into the kitchen, placing his son on his play matt. The baby rolled around, hands gripping several of his toys while his father went to the kitchen, wrapping his arms around his wife’s waist, placing a kiss on her shoulder. - Did you miss me?

- Of course I did. - she turned around to kiss him, hands on top of his shoulders as if they hadn’t seen each other in years. - It gets awfully cold when you’re alone in a king size bed.

- Mhm, it does get very cold, doesn’t it? - his hands toyed around with the string that held her wrap up dress in place. - Does our son’s birthday also count as my birthday?

- Why would it count as your birthday? - she furrowed her brows.

- It’s the anniversary of when I became a father and I think I deserve a little present. - he leaned down to kiss her neck.

- Well, I think th ...

- MUMMA! - the babyish voice coming from the living room interrupted her sentence and made Y/N look over Sebastian’s shoulder to see Nate standing on his chubby legs as he took a few small steps towards the kitchen table.

- Oh my god. - she ducked under Sebastian’s hold to meet her son midway, grabbing the polaroid camera on the way to take a photo before he fell down or decided to sit down. - You’re walking. Nate, you’re walking!

- What? - Sebastian turned around, joining his wife who was now sat on the ground with her arms opened towards Nate who quickly walked over to her before falling on top of her chest. - He walked, he just walked!

- I know. - Y/N picked the baby up, kissing his little fat cheeks. - I’m so proud of you, I’m so proud of you baby Nate.

- I can’t believe he’s walking already. We need another one.

- Sebastian, we just had one.

- Yeah but he’s walking and he can say mumma and dadda. In no time he’ll be going off to university and won’t want snuggles anymore.

- Honey, Nate can’t say anything other than mumma and dadda, is still eating soft solids, and he doesn’t even have all his teeth yet. He won’t be going to university any time soon.

- No, I think we need another one. A girl this time, so we have one of each.

- Seb, darling, I don’t think that’s how it works. Besides, wouldn’t you rather wait til Nate is a bit older and doesn’t require attention all the time?

- I know, it’s just that looking at you with our son makes me want to have at least 10 more kids.

- I won’t push 10 more kids. - she laughed, kissing his cheek before looking down to Nate who was cuddling her and his bunny. - For now, for now I have everything I could have ever dreamed of.

- Should we get that cake then?

- It’s in the fridge. - Y/N carefully got up, holding her precious baby close to her chest as Sebastian went and grabbed the little cupcake. The ex handmaid placed her son on his high chair as Sebastian put the little cupcake in front of him, lighting a single candle with his lighter which immediately caught the attention of small Nate whose eyes widened in pure joy and curiosity.

The mob boss wrapped his arm around his wife, kissing the side of her head before the two of them started singing Happy Birthday to little Nate who was clearly more interested in the flame of his candle. Once the song came to an end, both of them cheered, clapping at the baby who looked at his parents in confusion.

- C’mon, Nate blow the candle. - Sebastian took to be by his son’s side, making a blow motion with his lips. Nate merely turned to his mother, confused at his father’s actions.

- Why don’t we do it together? - Y/N stood by her son’s other side, blowing the candle together with Sebastian while Nate giggled, clapping his hands out of pure joy. - Happy Birthday, sweetheart. Mumma loves you, dadda loves you.

The rest of the day went rather uneventful, with Nate making both his parents laugh as he decided to eat the cupcake with his hands, getting his cheeks full of chocolate. He remained awake for a few hours, playing with his father while Y/N read one of her books in the couch, wondering how she’d gotten so lucky to have such a precious son and such a loving husband. As night began to make its presence known and the birthday boy became grumpy, Y/N put him back in his crib returning to the living room to see Sebastian standing on their balcony watching the Tower Eiffel’s lights. Without him noticing, she walked behind him, wrapping her arms around his torso, allowing herself to be involved by the scent of his cologne.

- Hello there, Mrs. Stan. - he turned around in her embrace, hand going to hold hers. - How about a dance?

- I can never say no to you, Mr. Stan.

He leaned his head to rest against the space between her neck and shoulder, free hand holding her waist as the two of them moved slowly from side to side. In that moment, no money belonging to her or to him, no empire he’d built or family she inherited mattered for in that moment he had his whole world in his arms and that ... that was enough.

tag list: @lilya-petrichor @xoxohannahlee @nikkipea @irespostthingsiwanttoseelater @madisonpillstrom @cevans98 @thelostallycat @sideeffectsofyou @anxiousdreamersworld @captainchrisstan @lookiamtrying @sarge-barnes-sir @stuffforreferences @thebadassbitchqueen @sebastianstansqueen @nsfwsebbie @strangerliaa @emzd34 @everything-is-awesomesauce @dreams-in-blxck @krismeunicornbaobei @buckysteveloki-me

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan/reader #sebastian stan/you #sebastian stan/y/n #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan drabble #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan AU #mob!sebastian stan #mob boss!sebastian stan #mafia!sebastian stan #mafia boss!sebastian stan #mobster!sebastian stan

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bleh-bleh-blehs · 3 years

Text

Paps and Cafes [T.H x Reader]

A/N- so hey I am back with my shitty fics. This is low-key based on my friend’s life and thanks to her for letting me write it down (only she knows what is the truth and what’s not). Anyways feel free to ignore:)

Summary- Is there any difference between being stressed at home than being stress at a cafe? Yes there is. You can put a show for others but in your case a certain someone came in for your aid.

Warning- None

Word Count- 1.6k

Life was not easy. Not as easy as you thought it would be. No one prepared you for the taxes, rent and bills. And literally no one told you how hard doing a job can be. Your salary was nothing compared to the hard work you did; the stress you took.

You had no fun at all. Either you were too tired to go out and have a night out with your friends or you did extra office work for a bonus. Just like now. You are sitting in an outdoor cafe doing your office’s work when you could have been enjoying this weekend by relaxing.

Why were you here?

Because you thought that it would be a good idea. You thought that it would refresh your mind, better than stupid small aparment. But guess what it wasn’t.

You were still stressed. The people around were either on a date or were with their friends or family. Practically radiating good vibes. You tried not to stare at them but the task in our hand almost made you cry.

Reaching out for the file beside the plate of donut; accidentally knocking the plate over. But you were too overwhelmed to care. Tightly clutching the file, tears of frustration evident in your eyes. It was getting too much now.

“Come on Tess. We don't eat food off the floor. I am really sorry for your donut. Do you want me to buy you a new one?” the person asked.

Looking up you saw a man wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap with hoodie on. You simply nodded your head in a no, wiping some tears away. “It’s okay. I don’t mind at all.” you gave a weak smile. Honestly you have lost your appetite. You just eat because it is necessary.

“Can I ask if it was a chocolate donut? The man asked.

“No, it was a plain one.” the man took the seat in front of you, taking off his glasses. “I know that this is none of my business but are you okay?”

“Would you believe me if i said that I am.”

“No. I just know that you are stressed because look at your table. All this stuff is giving me a headache so…. I think you should just wrap it up to clear your mind. And I don't wanna hear any excuse. okay? ” he didn’t press the matter further. He definitely doesn’t know what is going on in your life. All he knows is that he isn’t gonna leave you like this.

You wanted to argue but it is not like anyone is this friendly to you on a daily basis. And a little walk wouldn’t harm.

“You know what you should quit that job. I mean you don’t deserve being treated like that” tom said as he took the last bite of his ice cream. You still couldn’t believe that Tom Holland,the famous and successful actor, the heartthrob of almost all of the girls was talking to you.

He listened to you rant about your almost pathetic life and even bought you your favourite ice cream.

You were of course shocked when you realised who he was despite him telling that he is a normal person like everyone else. He also squeezed your hand to reassure you that this is not a dream; that he is actually here.

Both of you talked about your lives, likes and dislikes, hobbies. Only the basic stuff. You told him about your low salary job, your evil boss and your not so friendly coworkers. Your love life which was near to extinction. And about your parents who desperately wanted you to get settled.

“It’s not that easy Tom. I am looking for another job but I don’t know when I will find one. At least this job pays enough for food and shelter.” you told him or more like convinced yourself.

Silence fell between you both until Tessa whimpered. She was obviously tired from the long walk and it was getting cold and windy as the sun started to set. “I guess this is where we part.” you said softly. Praying that this moment never ends. But of course that was not gonna happen.

“Yeah.” he gave you a soft smile. And you were sure that you were giving the heart eyes. Making a fool of yourself as usual.

“Oww!”

“What? What happened?”

“I got something in my eye.” you were hopelessly trying to get whatever the hell was in your eye out. “Wait a moment. Let me see.” Tom’s large hands cup your face while you get a hold on his arms out of instinct.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” it felt weird as his finger touched your eyeball. “Stop moving. You are making this harder than it already is!” you stopped fidgeting instantly.

“There you go.” Tom backed away from you as you tried to blink away the uneasy feeling. “Let’s walk you home shall we?” Tom said as he picked very tired Tessa from the ground and carried her as if she was a toddler.

“You don’t have to.” he just smiled. “I want to.” never in million years you thought that a top notch actor will walk you to your apartment.

“I am sorry if I am intruding but I can’t believe you are not dating somebody and you just gave up on your friends. Is your job really worth it?” he asked with genuine curiosity.

“I am single by my choice not because of my job. My last relationship didn’t end well. She cheated on me and my “friends” took her side except my coworker Andy. I have got trust issues since then.” you explained him.

“I am so sorry” he felt guilty to make you remember your relationship again.

“Don’t be. I did go on a date once; the guy gave me a judgy look as soon as I told him that I am a bisexual. I mean do nice people just stop existing or what?” you huffed in annoyance.

Meanwhile Tom was trying to process everything in his brain. He was actually starting to like you and was worried that you won’t feel the same way for him since you were into girls. But he heard word ‘bisexual’ his worries vanished. There is nothing stopping him from taking you on a date.

Tom was smiling to himself until he heard the shutter of the camera went off. That could be only one thing.

Paparazzi

Tom spotted two people not so far from them. Tessa tried to wiggle out of Tom’s arms but he didn’t let her. “Y/N hold my arm and keep up with my pace. The paps are here.” you immediately started to look up for them.

“No Y/N don’t look for them!” Tom whisper yelled.

The two of you walked as fast as you could. Taking the subway to go to your house. You and Tom stood close to each other, completely aware that someone recognised Tom and snuck some pictures of you both.

Tessa whimpered again and again; the poor baby was too uncomfortable. You scratched her head to soothe her as she laid her head on Tom’s shoulder. While Tom was giving you heart eyes.

You sighed in relief as you reached your apartment. The whole day has been a roller coaster ride for you. Tom and Tessa followed you behind you. Tessa quickly jumped on your couch, closing her eyes, trying to get some rest.

“Do you want something to eat or drink?” you asked Tom. “No I am fine.” Tom said as he took a seat beside Tessa.

“I didn’t really get to enjoy that cafe though.” Tom wondered out loud. “Don’t worry, there many more cafes in the neighbourhood. You can visit them sometime.” You were walking around your apartment, trying to clean it as much as you could. It’s not like you are visited by a celebrity daily.

“I don’t know, maybe you can show me around sometime?” you freezed at your spot. Was Tom Holland asking you on a date. You were freaking out. You are just imagining things right?

“Do you agree with me, darling?” he smirked. How dare him to say that! “It’s alright if you don’t. I mean I totally understand if you don’t want to. I am so sorry because of the paps. I didn’t know that they would find us. I am so sorry Y/N.” he started to ramble. Becoming that adorable sweet bean instantly.

“Oh my god Tom it’s alright. Not the Paparazzi part but I am grateful that Tessa ate my donut and that relieved my stress. I really needed someone like you. I don’t know what we can do about paps, they will just give more stress. But I felt better when you were with me.” Tom gave you that million dollar smile that everybody dies on.

“I wanna kiss you so bad right now.” he confessed.

“What’s stopping you then.”

“No, not before I take you on an actual date.” he grinded. “Which cafe do you want to show me first, Donut?”

“Donut?” you asked him while trying to control your laugh. “Yes donut. What’s so wrong with donut. It’s my nickname for you.” your smile became more wide than before.

“Then what do you want me to call you? Ice cream?”

“Yes?” he gave you a puzzled look. Not sure if he wanted to be called ‘ice cream’. And a thought came to your mind. “You don’t have any problem with me being bisexual?” you asked him. “Why would I? I mean it's not my place to judge or have a problem with it, now is it?” you smiled at his answer, already falling hard for this man.

page divider by @fancyxparker

Tagging:- @fancyxparker @musicalkeys @justanothermarvelmaniac @amorhollands @peterspideysstuff @hollanderfangirl @parkerpeter24 @parker-hollandx @captainchrisstan @whatthefuckimbisexual @liestookmyvibes @rnatasha @seutarose @adriannajackson @ethereal-beauty-p @calltothewild @parkers-gal @azaraspirit @fallinfortom @beverlyparkerr @tommysparker @veronica011sblog @canwekissforever-haz

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Send an ask to be on my taglist.

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker

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my-faves-said-gay-rights · 2 years

Note

Can I offer two cents on the sunmi situation? Sorry for the long post. First lemme just say I think this is by far the "worst" thing she has done in her career and she's definitely in some part at fault for it. and it's good she's held accountable for that. But also it seems to me it was inevitable she would get into this. That video that ss comes from states clearly that it was abyss who pitched it to her, abyss has invested in nft since last year (as have yg, jyp and hybe) , and she's their biggest artist. it makes sense to me that they will make it seem like she's got a ton of interest and done her homework on nfts because cryptobros eat that up. and y'know, I think she did really research it, but I don't think she saw the environmental stuff and said, let's do it anyways. i think she was told this would bring in money, she saw the mostly positive things abt it on google and then she signed. aside from that I'm not convinced had she even realized the harm that she could decline? and obviously she thought it was this cool thing miyane will like or benefit from because maybe it means higher budget for her cbs. I feel like that's what that weverse post implied anyways. Then she saw the outcry, she saw people doubt whether she cared at all abt miyane and posted that on weverse. and I don't think it's wrong of hers to say its okay to leave, because I think that's her way of saying there's no way she can go back on what she signed on now. But she should have apologized explicitly. So tldr; I know this sucks, and I'm not supporting the nft project, but also I've followed sunmi now for what? 7 years, and imma give her the benefit of the doubt when I'm interpreting what's going on because all of the above is totally within the realm of possibility and this is the first time she's ever seemed to "treat" her fans like this. I've had people close to me do this 'light studying' of nfts on Google and thought it was all fun and art and money and got involved until someone sat them down and told them abt climate impact. This is just my take on what's going on, obvs, and I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, and I know she's a grown woman, which is why she deserves some of the dragging she's getting, but yeah. From a fellow sunmi enjoyer who's tryna make sense of things here we are

Thank you for this. I do wonder how deep her research went because like you said when you first look into it it can look good, and idk how korean media/sources are presenting it so she very well could have just seen positives. Regardless, sunmi and abyss need to be held accountable and it's clear they've seen the response, so it really sucks that it looks like it's too late to stop.

Sunmi is one of my favourite artists. I've been stanning her for years, I've bought her physical albums, and she's a woman and artist I look up to and find comfort in. But all of this has changed the way I see her. I don't think I can just unstan and ignore her, she's gonna continue making music and being active in the industry, and I'll probably like what she puts out. I guess this is a reminder to not completely idolise a celebrity and think they're perfect, and that you can recognise someone messed up while still supporting them. I predict many other artists and companies will make nfts and other stans will have to go through this thought process too.

#asks #sunmi

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ootori-sibs · 3 years

Text

Kyoya's second shot

Episode nineteen: Kyoya's sense of self!

Tw: assault, self harm, self hate

“Thanks for waiting for me, Kyoya.” Tamaki looked so tired, toying with his own hair nervously. He kept glancing down the hallway, clearly upset at having been yelled at. Kyoya couldn’t blame him, he hated being yelled at as well. Unfortunately Kyoya couldn’t comfort him as he wasn’t supposed to be aware, so he gave a soft half-smile and stepped forward.

“How did it go? Who was it?”

At that, Tamaki promptly burst into tears, clinging to Kyoya tightly, “she kissed me! She kissed me and then Haruhi yelled at me and- and…” he just started to wail at that point, clinging to Kyoya even tighter. Kyoya hated emotions and he had absolutely no idea how to deal with this, especially when the other hosts came out to see what all the noise was about.

“It’s alright, maybe she’s not really angry at you?” Kyoya remembered that when he was tiny and people still cared about him, how his older siblings would just pick him up whenever he was upset, not much else, just lift him up. Sadly, Kyoya wasn’t strong enough to pick Tamaki up, he was struggling to even hold him up as Tamaki cried.

The hosts helped Tamaki into the room, the twins asked what happened but Kyoya ignored them, cradling Tamaki to the best of his ability. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Tamaki…” to anyone hearing, he was whispering condolences to his friend, but for Kyoya, the statement was so much more. Kyoya felt incredibly guilty, that's why plan b had been a last resort, Kyoya hadn’t wanted to hurt Tamaki this much. He’d made Tamaki cry and he felt absolutely horrid and filthy about it.

After a while, Haruhi returned to the club room, looking furious. She sat down, clearly seething. The hosts swarmed her, asking what had happened, why was Tamaki crying? Haruhi told them that Sieka had kissed Tamaki, and that she had told Haruhi that he’d willingly gone to meet her. Tamaki couldn’t deny this, but honestly he wasn’t even trying, he was too busy crying. The hosts were clearly torn on who’s side to take, as Haruhi had clearly been wronged but Tamaki had clearly also been wronged, and he was the one crying about it.

“The letter wasn’t signed, he only went because he wanted to know who it was and why they’d write that kind of letter when the entire school is fully aware that he’s with you.” Kyoya glared daggers at her, knowing that it was a risky move, but he genuinely didn't care at this point, how dare she yell at Tamaki, "you're being selfish to think you were the only one hurt by that happening, look at him. Take a good look at that man and tell me you're angry at him, go ahead, we all know you don't love him so you have no right to scream at him for being assaulted!"

He'd stood up at that point, towering over Haruhi, who looked shocked and even guilty. The other hosts were shocked, but there were murmurs of agreement, then Honey spoke up, "Kyo-chan has a point… it really wasn't Tama-chan's fault."

Haruhi sighed, and took a step backwards, hand over her face, "god… I know, I know, I'm sor-"

"If you knew, then why would you scream at him?" Kyoya crossed his arms, moving his head slightly so the light stopped hiding his eyes and the other hosts could see the tears in his own eyes, "I'm getting to the end of my tether with you, Haruhi, if you hurt my friend again I swear-"

"Kyo-chan, calm down."

Kyoya tensed up, glancing back at him, then to Tamaki, the tears freeing themselves and spilling down his cheeks. He huffed and stormed out of the room, not wanting the others to see him cry. Once again his own guilt consumed him, he wondered if he was even allowed to feel guilty, wasn't he too evil for that at this point? He just went to sit in the library, cursing himself for leaving his laptop in the clubroom. He took out his notebook and a pen, entering a quick entry.

12:30 -I snapped at Haruhi, she’s angry at Tamaki, tamaki hasn’t done anything wrong. Sieka kissed him, it wasn’t like he wanted it. Although I suppose she’s supposed to get angry.

Kyoya wasn’t a fan of sketching with pen, but he didn’t have any pencils on hand. So he really had no choice, he didn’t even know what he was drawing, all he knew was that there were no construction lines in said drawing. It seemed to be a figure, surrounded by others, all eyes on the centre, a devil, an evil entity with no care for the pain behind him. Was this how Kyoya saw himself? Or was this just a thoughtless doodle? Even Kyoya didn't know.

Back in class, Tamaki quietly informed Kyoya that Haruhi wouldn't be joining them for the sleepover, or any of the after-session meetings for the week. Kyoya was fine with this, but expressed guilt for having snapped at her the way he did, glancing away from Tamaki as he did so. Tamaki seemed upset by this, putting a gentle hand on Kyoya's shoulder, "Kyoya… it's ok, I understand you're angry at her, you have every right to be. In fact, I'm happy that you're looking out for me, I don't know what I'd do without you."

He couldn't get those words out of his mind, what would Tamaki do without him… oh that was wonderful, to think Tamaki needed him, to think Tamaki appreciated him… it made Kyoya's heart swell. He simply adored the idea of Tamaki needing him, of course Tamaki needed him; who else was going to protect him from Haruhi? At first, Kyoya had thought he was the villain, he was willing to be the villain and just go full throttle into it… but as things progressed, he began to think that the villain was actually Haruhi. She didn't love Tamaki, she yelled at him, she was willing to brag about not loving him… she was so cruel, poor Tamaki didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

It was ok though, Kyoya would protect him. Kyoya wasn't willing to let his darling best friend get hurt, crush or no crush. The fact that Tamaki recognised and approved of Kyoya's defence of him, it made Kyoya so very very happy. He carried his newfound pride really well, standing up a little straighter and carrying himself better. The difference was visible but no one asked about it, probably because they were too scared. It had been a while since Kyoya seemed so together.

The rest of the day went by wonderfully, with nothing going wrong. Kyoya was quite happy, although the other hosts seemed a little hung up about the day's events. Whilst hosting, Haruhi kept glancing towards Tamaki, but Tamaki didn't even glance back at her, and that was the best feeling for Kyoya, he was finally getting his way. Haruhi was finally getting what she deserved, she should never have hurt Tamaki like that. It was her own fault.

By the end of the day, Tamaki was still being loud and excitable, but there was an underlying level of pain there. Kyoya did his best to keep Tamaki's mind away from Haruhi, even going so far as to suggest that Tamaki come over to his place for a little while. Obviously Tamaki was excited at the idea, and they were very quickly sitting in the limo, with Tamaki babbling on about all the fun things they could do once they got there. Kyoya didn't say much, just stared at him from behind his glasses, enjoying the sound of Tamaki's voice.

He couldn't help but to wonder how it was for Sieka, how did it feel to kiss Tamaki? Kyoya knew Tamaki wore lipgloss, he couldn't remember what flavour Tamaki had said it was though, so he wasn't sure how it would taste but he knew it would be good. Tamaki hadn't wanted to kiss Sieka, so he likely didn't cooperate with her, but Kyoya couldn't help but imagine how amazing a kiss that was precipitated would be, the way Tamaki moved would be felt through every breath, life and love flourishing on his tongue as the world melted away… just the idea was enough to drive Kyoya mad.

That evening was wonderful, they listened to music and did homework together. Kyoya found it easier to bring himself to do things when Tamaki was there, he wasn't sure if it was the aura of energy or the pressure to look good in front of his crush. The reason didn't really matter, but the main point was that Kyoya was enjoying spending some time with Tamaki. After around two hours, or maybe an hour and a half, Tamaki spoke up with something that caught Kyoya off guard.

"Have you been hurting yourself lately?"

Oh, Kyoya hadn't been expecting that. He suddenly felt unsure, had he? He struggled to recall, the entirety of last week had been a blur for him really, so he wasn't sure what was what. “Well my bodyguards took my razors so…” that was before getting grounded wasn’t it? For some reason Kyoya knew he remembered sitting on the bathroom floor at some point that week and- “the scissors,” his words took the both of them off-guard, Tamaki glanced up from where he had been gazing at the cup of tea in his hands.

“What?”

“I took the twins' fabric shears... “ Kyoya paused for a moment, realising that his victory of memory was not going to be as much of a victory in Tamaki’s eyes, and that he’d just confessed to more self harm. “I…” the weight of what he’d just told the blonde dawned on him and he remembered how he’d promised to never let Tamaki see him like that again, “I’m sorry…”

He hadn’t been expecting to be sweeped up in a big hug and given small kisses on the top of his head, Tamaki had shouted something in french and continued to murmur french words to him softly as Kyoya just sat there in his arms. It was wonderful and though Kyoya was shaking he still felt tingles on his skin every time it brushed against Tamaki’s own. Only when the air was still and Kyoya had stopped crying- he had been crying? Only when there was silence did Tamaki speak words that Kyoya understood, pressing their foreheads together, “never apologize for that, ok? It wasn’t me you hurt, I’m just upset because I care about you and don’t want to see you hurt. The person you’re hurting is yourself, but I think that person doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. You're hurting my best friend, Kyoya, can you promise me you’ll stop hurting my best friend? I know you’re in pain, I know that’s why you caused more, and I’m trying to help you, okay? But I can’t help if you don’t let me, please tell me if there's something I can do to make you feel better, is there?”

Kyoya didn’t want to move, making the barest little nod possible, but Tamaki understood and smiled. He didn’t want to speak as he spoke, hearing his voice and how pained and weak he sounded, it was awful… “can you stay with me tonight..? I don't want to be alone…"

Surprisingly, Tamaki agreed, and he even set up a blanket and pillow fort for them to sit in. Kyoya could be distracted from his all consuming guilt for a moment or two when Tamaki pulled him in close and wrapped a blanket around the both of them, he was so warm… it was hard to think in a situation like that. With every slow breath and chuckle that made Tamaki's chest shift just a little, with every little blue or gold sparkle in his violet eyes that seemed like the stars in the sky, with every little hum that left his lips and floated in the air giving off warmth, Kyoya fell just a little more in love.

Love was a funny thing; Kyoya had always thought it was stupid, just a chemical reaction, but the more he thought about it, the more he realised that he was actually a very romantic person. There was nothing Kyoya wanted more than to simply be help by someone who saw him, someone who understood who he was and who he wanted to be. That was what made this so much worse, the fact that Kyoya was now a horrible person made him scared for Tamaki to see him for what he was. He would never be seen, he could never be loved… not like this.

The thing that brought Kyoya hope, however, was the fact that Tamaki had always been one to look through a person, to see the person they wanted to be. He'd always encouraged Kyoya to be the person Kyoya had always dreamed to be, but now that dream was unclear; constantly shifting and changing, Kyoya didn’t know who he wanted to be anymore, it was so strained and fuzzy for him. The idea of the true self was slipping from his grasp as he made each step towards what he wanted, narrowly avoiding his doom at the hands of his own psyche. It was beginning to grow too much for even him to handle, but he didn’t trust himself to even try to do anything about it, what if he hurt people more?

A song, a lullaby in a tongue too foreign for Kyoya to understand, but familiar enough for him to name it. Tamaki ran his fingers through the villain’s hair, grounding Kyoya as he let the words wrap like a blanket. He was singing softly, Kyoya couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard tamaki sing- had he ever? The sound was wonderful, something to make him relax. Kyoya was a beast in that moment, an animal, he didn't trust himself to speak nor move, only laying, shivering in the blonde’s arms. Kyoya thought back to how he’d hurt everything, the people he’d cared for. He silently prayed for forgiveness, not to any god- Kyoya wasn’t a man of faith, but he had faith in his friends, he hoped when the truth came undone, they’d see through his actions to see who he was inside.

He made a promise, to them and to himself; there would be no pain caused nor received all week, they all deserved a reprieve. Kyoya knew he had a large amount of control over the pain his friends were experiencing, but as he caught a glimpse of the sadness in Tamaki’s eyes, he prayed Haruhi would allow them all to rest.

#kyoya ootori #ouran high school host club #tamaki souh #tamakyo #haruhi fujioka #Seika Ayanokoji

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stereksecretsanta · 3 years

Text

Merry Christmas, alaidiem!

For @alaidiem. Hope you have a wonderful and Stereky Christmas!!

Read On AO3

*****

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Them a Match

Derek Hale and Stiles Stilinski have been best friends since they were very young.

Two-year-old Stiles toddled up to two and a half-year-old Derek, and patted Derek’s cheeks, a smile blooming behind Stiles’ red pacifier as he murmurs “vulf, pity vulf”.

Once they started school, they were inseparable. Despite being in different classes, they always met up at recess and lunch, swapping bits and pieces from their lunch box and reading the latest Batman comic together.

When Jackson Whittmore joined the school and decided on his first day to push Stiles over in the sandpit, Derek marched over and pushed Jackson over in retaliation, pointing a finger in his face and growling, “If you even look sideways at Stiles, I will hurt you.”

When Derek was being made fun of by Liam Dunbar for having his nose in a book, Stiles tilts his head in a distinctly wolf-like fashion and quips, “You jealous Liam? Heard you only got 52% on your last English test. Need Derek to teach you how to read?”

By the time they had reached high school, both their families were certain the boys were mates. Noah and Claudia Stilinksi had made a bet with Talia and Samuel Hale on when Derek and Stiles’ matehood would manifest.

The Stilinksi’s are guided by the customs of the Emissary. An Emissary comes into their own at the age of 14, their spark igniting in the presence of their mate. The ritual tying the Emissary and their mate is performed on the full moon after their eighteenth birthday when the full power and knowledge is bestowed upon the magic-user, and their mate confirms the match.

The Hales, on the other hand, are guided by the moon and werewolf lore. It is said that a young werewolf would find their mate at the age of sixteen, their wolf recognising their true match and spurring them on to make a pledge of the heart. This pledge is made under the new moon, the beginning of the new lunar cycle, signifying a new start.

Needless to say, there has been quite some competition between the two families over the years, followed by confusion when both boys pass eighteen and they are still unmated.

🐺🐺🐺

Peter Hale stands at the kitchen window watching as Derek and Stiles play around in the pool. Stiles is unsuccessfully trying to push Derek into the water, as the werewolf’s feet are firmly planted on the ground and he’s not moving. The force of pushing against an immovable object causes Stiles to lose his footing, arms windmilling wildly as he tries to find purchase, only for Derek to grab his arm and throw a laughing Stiles in the pool.

Talia saunters up behind her brother and gives him a pinch. “Whatever it is you are thinking Peter, I strongly suggest you forget about it.”

Peter sighs, turning to his older sister as Derek cannonballs into the pool.”Aren’t you frustrated as well Tali? Bets aside, both of their mates should have manifested by now. They are nineteen! Both off to college, different colleges mind you, opening them up to other people when they are clearly each other’s mate! Don’t you just want to shake them and tell them to get their acts together?”

Talia puts an arm around Peter. “I’m not frustrated, I’m sad. They are clearly perfect for each other. It saddens me that maybe they aren’t meant to be when it’s clear to the rest of us that they are. They have the same relationship that Sam and I have, and that you and Lisa have. It was clear to all our families back then, just as clear to us now. Maybe Mother Moon has other plans for our boys. We must be patient.”

“Patient my ass. Those boys are oblivious Tali. Stiles seems to think that Derek is too good for him. And Derek thinks he’s too dumb for Stiles, and Stiles deserves someone smarter like Lydia Martin. I just think they need a little bit of a push. A prod even. A shuffle in the mate direction.”

“Since when do the boys think that? I’ve never heard either of them say any such thing. I don’t think meddling is a good idea, Peter. It needs to happen naturally.”

Peter turns to Talia with a raised brow. “Just last week I heard Stiles on the phone to Scott saying how he doesn’t think he deserves it, and Derek was talking to Laura lamenting just before he left for college how he doesn’t know whether he’s smart enough. And anyway, I’ve never heard any stories of things going badly when someone intervened. It can’t hurt.”

Crossing his arms across his chest, Peter sighs. “Look Tali, we’ve all seen how they look at each other. It’s ridiculous how much in love they are. Also it can’t be good having Stiles abilities not fully manifested. He’s to be Laura’s emissary Tali, if he doesn’t fully come into his powers soon, then it will have a direct impact on the Pack. Something needs to be done.”

Talia pinches the bridge of her nose and heaves a sigh. “Ok, I’ll have a talk with Claudia, see what she has to say. She’ll know more about the Emissary manifestation, maybe there’s something we just don’t know.”

“And, in the meantime, I’m going to get in my nephew’s ear and guide him like the good Alpha’s right hand that I am.”

Talia groans and gives Peter a shove. “Fine, but don’t be too over the top or too blatant. And don’t harm either of them. Or do anything to scare the other one. And no making the other jealous! Nothing that can backfire.”

“You are no fun.”

“I am your Alpha Peter Hale, you need to remember that.”

Peter snorts and salutes his sister, who laughs loudly as she walks out the door. Turning back to the window Peter watches the boys talk quietly as they bob gently in the pool. They are talking quiet enough that Peter can’t hear what they are saying, so when Stiles blushes a deep pink, he desperately wants to know what is being said.

He makes his way out of the back door and down the stairs, opening the pool gate as quietly as possible. Peter puts on his best smirk.

“You know Stiles, we are in the middle of summer. You’re looking a little pink there, forget to put on sunscreen?”

Stiles startles violently, almost smacking Derek in the face. Derek holds Stiles' arms in front of him and turns to glare at Peter. “Must you do that Peter? You know how he flails.”

“Hey! I resemble that remark!” Stiles squawks.

Derek snorts and turns back to Stiles. “He doesn’t look sunburnt to me Peter. Maybe it’s time to get your eyes checked old man.”

Peter’s smirk widens. “Yes, well you’d be able to see whether Stiles is sunburnt or not being that close to him Derek. Do you think you could tell whether it’s sunburn? Or whether Stiles is just blushing. He turns a lovely shade of pink when he blushes.”

Stiles narrows his eyes. “Listen here Uncle Creepy, the fact that you know that is gross, and I’m going to tell Lisa!”

Peter snorts. “Oh no, I’m so scared.”

Derek sneers at his uncle. “What about if I told Aunt Lisa about what you did Friday night? Do you think shed ok if she found out it was YOU that ate the last of her chocolate?”

Stiles starts laughing. “You ate a pregnant werewolf’s chocolate? Oh my god, you are a dead man!”

While Derek and Stiles continue to laugh, Peter swiftly makes his exit, frustrated that his plan failed.

🐺🐺🐺

Talia and Claudia sit on the couch, each nursing a cup of tea. Claudia has her thinking face on, while Talia waits patiently.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him Tali. Mischief has been doing all of his Emissary studies, and in fact, is ahead.”

“How is that possible that he’s ahead though? Shouldn’t his abilities have manifested fully by now? I’m not sure how it works, but I would have thought that there was a limit to what Stiles could learn until he came into his powers. And the boys are nineteen now, Claud. Has Stiles said anything to you about the situation? About Derek?”

Claudia shakes her head. “No, he’s always been very secretive with matters of the heart. And there are always things to learn about being an Emissary. In fact, I heard from my sister in Poland, she’s Emissary to one of the Wójcik Alphas you know, and she was saying how on some blood moons, the connection between an Alpha and their Emissary is strengthened with a pulse of power, and …”

“Claud! Off topic.”

“Sorry! It’s fascinating. But as far as the situation as you call it, Stiles hasn’t mentioned anything, and I haven’t asked.”

“I just wonder if we say something to the boys? Peter is going to try his hand at matchmaking, he’s getting a bit worried about it.”

“Honestly Tali, I wouldn’t be too worried. I didn’t meet Noah until I was in my early twenties. I didn’t become your Emissary until my late twenties. The folklore surrounding us is just that, folklore. The Emissary Scrolls were written in a completely different time to now. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll have a talk to Stiles and I’ll let you know.”

Talia lets go of the breath she seemed to be holding and takes another sip of her tea. “Thanks Claud. I’ll let Peter know.”

“He’s not going to stop trying to meddle, surely you know your brother better than that. Remember what happened with Laura?”

There was a moment's silence before the women burst out laughing, remembering when Peter tried to get Laura and her mate Jordan together, Peter ended up locked up in the Beacon Hills Sheriff Department’s jail for the weekend after Peter’s attempted abduction of his niece went terribly wrong.

🐺🐺🐺

Derek walks back in the front door after saying goodbye to Stiles, who incidentally was looking a little pink after forgetting to reapply his sunscreen. He chuckles as he walks into the kitchen to grab a cold drink, almost turning around when he sees his Uncle Peter sitting at the dining table watching Derek keenly.

Opening the fridge, Derek pulls out a bottle of water, turning around to face Peter as he twists the top off and takes a sip.

“Whatever it is you want to say, Peter, just say it.”

“I don’t know what you mean nephew.”

Derek rolls his eyes and starts to walk out of the kitchen to go up to his room, stopping when Peter starts to talk.

“You must miss Stiles when you are at college.”

Derek turns slowly back around towards his uncle and narrows his eyes at him. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, you’ve been practically joined at the hip since you were two. And for the first time in 17 years, you are separated by a 6 hour drive. Are you ok with that?”

“There’s this marvellous invention called a cell phone where we can make phone calls, and even some phones allow you to make video calls! There’s Zoom, Skype, Discord, as well as email, text messages. I may not see him every day, but we talk all the time, and FaceTime every weekend.”

“Yes, but it must be hard not being able to hug him, not being in the same room as him. You must miss his scent.”

Derek looks at Peter like he’s grown a second head. “Are you ok Peter? Did you get sunstroke in the 5 minutes you were outside today? Maybe you are a vampire instead of a werewolf. Yes, that explains everything! Especially since you suck!”

Growling, Peter gets up from his seat and runs at Derek who shrieks and bolts out the front door.

🐺🐺🐺

Thursday afternoon, Stiles is sitting at the diner on Fifth Street waiting for his dad to arrive for lunch. He’s stripping the straw wrapper into a pile in front of his soda, knee bouncing under the table.

Just as he’s about to pull the straw out of his soda, the door of the diner opens with a jingle, Stiles looking up to see his weary father walking towards him.

Noah sits down with a sigh. “Hey, kiddo.”

“Hey pops, you ok?”

“Rough case at the moment, but it’s getting close to being solved which is something to look forward to. How’s your day?”

“Good! Mom asked me to come into the bookstore this morning, Mrs Nelson asked her to ask me if I wanted to do some part-time work there over the Summer, so I had a quick interview, and I have my first shift with mom tomorrow!”

The Sheriff grabs Stiles hand and squeezes. “That’s good news son.”

As Stiles is about to ask his dad about the case, the bell above the door jingles again, and in walks Peter Hale.

Stiles groans. “Ah, crap.”

“What’s wrong son?”

Peter strides right up to the table and presumptuously sits down at one of the two free chairs. “Noah, Stiles, so good to see you! What brings you to the diner today?”

Stiles looks at Peter incredulously and before he can answer, Noah responds. “We’re doing our taxes, Peter.”

“Ah, funny. Yes, you are in a diner, it should be obvious what you are doing. I thought you’d be doing something with Derek today Stiles?”

Noah rolls his eyes and mumbles “Oh lord.”

Stiles looks confused. “Why would I be doing something with Derek today?”

“Why wouldn’t you be! You haven’t seen each other for some time, it’s the summer break, time to reconnect with those you love and all that.”

Stiles blinks.

“You two have been joined at the hip since you were babies! This is the first time you are both out in the big bad world and you’ve gone to opposite ends of the state. I just thought you’d want to spend every waking moment together.”

“I have no idea what you are getting at Peter, but Derek and I are meeting up on Friday. There’s a new Marvel movie out, and the diner has Five Buck Burger Fridays.”

“Why not tomorrow as well?”

Stiles looks at his dad, then looks back at Peter. “Because I’m working, and Derek is working.”

“Derek is working?”

“Yes? He’s working with Samuel at the garage.”

“Ah yes, that’s right. Well, I hope you two get to spend more time together than just on weekends. It would be a shame if you two grew apart.”

Peter gets up from his chair and tucks it back under the table. He bids the Stilinski men good day and walks out the diner.

Stiles looks back as his father. “He is such a fucking weirdo.”

“Language Stiles!”

🐺🐺🐺

When Peter gets home from his gatecrashing the Stilinski lunch, he convinces Talia to arrange a barbecue with the Hales and Stilinskis for Sunday. The weather is forecast to be warm, perfect for swimming and grilling.

Sunday morning dawns and Peter rises with a smirk. Lisa looks flatly at her husband as she sits in the armchair in the corner of the room, rubbing her swollen belly. “What are you smirking at? You’ve just woken up.”

“Well my love, today is the day that I am going to once and for all get Stiles and Derek to admit that they are in fact, in love, and in fact, are mates. The pining and the looks of love from afar end today!”

“I know you think you are this Matchmaker extraordinaire, but the reality is, you are awful at it, and it always backfires.”

“You can’t say it always backfires because I’ve only done it once.”

“That’s the literal definition! Always. Every time you have done it, you’ve failed. One hundred per cent failure rate!”

Peter huffs and trips as he’s removing his sleep pants. Lisa laughs. “Come now my heart. Don’t pout, it’s unbecoming. Now do your pregnant wife a favour and rub my feet.”

🐺🐺🐺

The Stilinskis arrive at the Hale house at 11.30 on the dot. Stiles helps his mom get the plethora of Polish side dishes from the backseat, while Noah grabs the beers, both normal and wolfsbane laced. They walk into the house as a family, dodging screaming kids, laughing adults, and hazardously placed bags.

Stiles stays in the kitchen with Laura and Cora and helps to get the side dishes and desserts set out on the benches. Claudia goes off to find Talia, and Noah parks himself next to the grill, cracking open a cold one for Samuel and himself, chatting to Derek about his work at the garage.

Once the grilling is done and the meat brought inside, Talia calls everyone around and thanks them for coming. After giving directions on where to find everything, and offering for people to sit wherever they want, Peter clears his throat as his Alpha is about to release the pack to get food.

“I just wanted to say a few things before we eat!”

Talia’s “oh no” is mirrored by Claudia, Samuel, and Noah.

“As it is the summer holidays for all our young pack members, I just thought it would be nice to welcome those who have been off at college back home, especially Derek and Stiles who have never been apart this long ever!”

Peter looks around waiting for the laughter. There’s not even a chuckle. Derek steps forward. “What are you doing Peter?”

“Nothing! Well, nothing MUCH. You two have been so close for such a long time, I just worry about you missing each other! Anyway, I just wanted to …”

“You just wanted to what Peter? You’ve been acting fuc .. freaking weird for the last week!” Stiles interrupts Peter with a glare.

Derek nods. “You said the exact same thing about missing each other to me the other day. Why are you so fixated with Stiles and I missing each other?”

Peter looks at Talia for help but she just raises her hands in a “you’re on your own” gesture.

“Lisa?”

“Nope babe. This is your show.”

Peter sighs. “I’ve been trying to get you two to admit you miss each other, which would then get you to admit that you have feelings for each other, which would then get you to realise you are mates!”

Derek walks over to Stiles and puts his arm around him. Stiles snuggles into Derek’s side. “We know we are mates Uncle Peter. We’ve known for years.”

Peter’s jaw drops. Followed by Talia’s and Noah’s. Claudia, Samuel and Lisa are laughing. Cora is looking between Peter, and Derek with confusion. Laura is stifling a laugh.

“What?? But you aren’t mated!!”

Stiles rolls his eyes. “We aren’t officially mated yet no. We wanted to wait until we’ve graduated from college before we made it official.”

“So you know you’re mates, but you don’t miss each other? What am I missing???”

“Uncle Peter, Stiles and I are very much in love so of course we miss each other. But we knew that if we were to be officially mated it would make going to college very difficult. We want to get the first three years done and dusted at our college of choice, and then see what happens. Stiles couldn’t turn down the scholarships from Berkeley, and couldn’t turn down UCLA. But we have every intention of having the official ceremony once we’ve graduated.”

Before Peter can respond, Talia steps in. “It sounds like you’ve had this planned for a long time. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Laura clears her throat. “They told me.”

Peter throws his hands up in the air and storms off, leaving his laughing wife behind.

Talia frowns. “Why didn’t they tell me?”

“I’m sorry Alpha Hale, we should have told you. But after discussing it, Derek and I thought it would be best to tell Laura as I’m to be her Emissary.”

“We also knew that if everyone knew they’d make a big deal about us not being mated yet. We really need to do this in our timeline, in our way. I’m sorry mom.”

Talia rushes forward and scoops Derek and Stiles into a hug, and taking the lead of their Alpha, the rest of the pack joins in.

🐺🐺🐺

Three Years Later

Derek and Stiles stand under the new moon in their mating robes. Stiles' hands lay gently on top of Derek’s, a platinum ring in each palm bearing the triskele.

Talia guides her son and his mate through their vows through tears. Derek and Stiles' faces radiate pure love, and as the rings are slipped on the other’s finger, the Hale Alpha declares her son and the future Hale Emissary mates, and to seal the bond, to kiss under the new moon.

The men wrap their arms around each other, and as their lips touch for the first time as official mates, a pulse of power bursts from Stiles wrapping around him and his wolf, drawing them even closer.

The wolves of the pack howl in joy, while the humans cheer. Noah and Claudia hug each other close. Talia and Samuel look at each with love.

Peter looks at his nephew in fondness and turns to Lisa. “I’m taking full credit for this.”

#alaidiem #stereksanta20 #*fic20 #*gifts20

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queerautism · 4 years

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Am I exploiting my dog?

Yesterday I asked @severelynerdysheep if I'm exploiting my dog by having him as an assistance dog in training (assistance dog is the legal UK term for service dog), and they linked me to this article.

It's an incredibly bad piece. Let's go through it.

"Firstly, it should be obvious to most observers that many service animals are being harmed. Police canine units and military animals are often intentionally cruelly treated as part of the training process"

'Service animal' is not a term interchangeable with 'working dog'. These are not service animals and irrelevant to the discussion. Though, for the record, police and military dogs just shouldn't be a thing and their training is garbage.

"The question of exploitation and harm is more nuanced when it comes to service animals used to assist those with disabilities, such as emotional support animals or guide dogs for the blind."

Really, those are the two examples you're going for? Emotional support animals are NOT service animals, and do not need to have any kind of special training that a pet wouldn't have, or perform any tasks outside of their presence being a comfort. Lumping them together does a huge disservice to disabled people, and it's an extremely common misconception by people who know very little about actual service work.

Only mentioning guide dogs for the blind also isn't great, because it's the only kind a lot of ableist people know about and recognise, which means a lot of handlers get told we don't really need our dogs, because we aren't blind. You had an opportunity to actually bring up the amazing diversity of service dogs here (autism dogs, psychiatric service dogs, Medical alert dogs, etc) and educate people, but instead reinforced misconceptions and stereotypes.

"These animals are not usually subjected to stressors which any ordinary companion animal wouldn’t be"

This is not exactly true. Service dogs deal with many situations and environments ordinary pets don't, of course. But you cannot define for a dog what they should perceive as a 'stressor', anymore than you can decide what a dog should or shouldn't find aversive. Many dogs find loud noises stressful and aversive. Mine, as a service dog in training, does not, and hasn't ever, since he comes from a line of working dogs bred to be very 'gunsteady', which means hunting dogs who wouldn't be scared of the loud sound of a gunshot.

If a service dog finds these things stressful, they'll wash out and not be one anymore.

"these animals are still being exploited for human gain, they are bred, raised and trained solely for human benefit."

And we come back to the central idea of exploitation. I just don't get it. It's like these people can't imagine building a mutualistic relationship with a dog, based on trust, where you work as a team. Where the dog also benefits.

What do they think our day to day looks like? What exactly is exploitative about it?

"As for whether or not these animals would be better off were they not service animals, this is something of a moot point, since these animals are bred specifically for the purpose of being service animals."

Actually mostly they are not! Program breeding, where the whole litter is bred for a specific organization and all puppies are expected to be service dog prospects, is quite rare and very much not how most disabled people get their prospects.

It's a lot more common for good breeders with breeds and lines suitable for service work to place some puppies from each litter as prospects, if they seem to have the temperament for it.

As an example, my dog's breeder does not breed exclusively service dogs at all. They are working line poodles, and in my dog's litter there was a lot of variety! - Another one of them also went to service work, I believe two went into dog sport homes, another one into a dog conformation home, and the rest went to pet homes, all depending on their individual traits and what they would be happiest as.

"Service animals are currently very rarely drawn from rescue populations, but this seems like an obvious way to solve a lot of the ethical issues involved with using service animals."

Fun fact, I tried talking to a few rescues, including breed specific rescues, for a few months after I decided I needed a service dog myself. It was my first option.

They all ended up turning me away, saying the same thing. Their dogs had their own difficulties to work through, and the chances of being successful with this training are extremely low. 99% of them simply aren't suitable.

Proper service dog training takes about 3 years. Here you're asking disabled people to adopt dogs with unknown genetics and spend incredible amounts of money and time for a huge chance of failure. It's cruel and dismissive.

Even in the cases where rescue dogs have successfully become service dogs (which of course still happens), they often have a very short working life, because they haven't been bred responsibly and with all the proper health clearances, which leaves them at risk of serious health issues and early death.

"There are groups mounting pressure to only train rescued animals, contrary to popular belief, many breeds of animals are capable of being guide dogs or emotional support animals, and since many dogs in shelters are still young there is little reason to resort to irresponsible breeding practices to fulfil the demand for service animals."

If you want rescue only service animals, you literally don't give a shit about disabled people. We are acceptable casualties to you. What we actually need from our partnership with our dogs is secondary to your ideology here.

Rescue dogs can be excellent emotional support animals, I'll agree there. Because as I said, they aren't service dogs and they don't need any especial training. They are still pets.

They most often cannot be service dogs. Even if they are young, temperament in dogs has a huge genetic component. Dogs that end up in rescues are not responsibly bred (a responsible good breeder will take any dog they produced back at any time, and stays as a secondary contact in the dog's microchip in case they do end up in a rescue somehow), and their unknown genetics not only can cause issues with their temperament and health that makes them unsuitable for work, but also often mean they are not a representative example of the breed and do not show the usual traits that make that breed successful at service work when bred reputably.

Adult temperament does not fully develop until a dog is +3 years old. This means you could do everything right with a young rescue dog, only for them to develop dog reactivity or aggression once they fully grow up.

It is simply not fair to ask every disabled person who needs a service dog to put years of their life into this process while stacking the cards against them like this.

Actual good responsible breeders absolutely exist. They do right by their dogs and work their asses off to bring healthy, sound dogs into this world. No one is talking about irresponsible breeders here.

All of their arguments recap into this:

"1) The animal was not specifically bred for purpose and is a rescued animal.

2) The animal must be treated as a companion rather than a worker, and as such must be properly retired with a loving family once they can no longer work.

3) Animals should not be placed under any stress or put in danger.

4) There should be no viable alternative for the use of service animals."

1) Again, they usually aren't specifically bred, certain lines have a few puppies from each litter that have service work as the best fit for them.

2) Of course they are companions. We're a team. Of course they deserve a happy loving retirement.

3) You cannot avoid all stressors, that's life. Low levels of stress to be overcome actually help dogs build their confidence. Obviously none of us want our dogs in any danger.

4) if you think the stipulations you've presented for service dogs are sufficient to fullfil disable people's needs, I'd love to know what you consider to be a 'viable alternative', because something tells me it ain't gonna be good either.

"An example of this might be a therapy dog who has come from a rescue center as a young dog, and would probably otherwise have been killed."

Most places do not have an overpopulation problem so big they're killing young dogs at rescues. The UK sure doesn't. Young dogs get adopted extremely fast.

Also, a therapy dog is NOT a service dog. You cannot keep using these terms interchangeably and expect me to take your opinion on service dogs seriously.

A therapy dog is simply a pet as well, with a general calm and friendly temperament, that volunteers with their owner to meet and cheer up people. It's a completely different thing with different standards. Many rescue dogs can indeed be excellent therapy dogs!

"We do not have to deny that animal use is exploitation in order to justify service animals in some scenarios. Yes, service animals are being taken advantage of"

Still would love to hear how exactly I'm taking advantage of my dog, or what the alternative 'living with a dog without taking advantage of them' looks like.

"We are seeing some advancements in robotics which look promising as a replacement for service animals, so this may become a non-issue in the not too distance future."

Imagine complaining we're the ones not treating service dogs as living individuals but thinking they can be fully replaced by robots. Amazing.

"Regardless of your viewpoint on this, no negative judgement should ever be placed upon the people who require the use of service animals in order to function, it is not their fault that this is the option that has been given to them, and no one who relies on a service animal should be made to feel bad because of it."

You can say this as much as you want, but it's absurd. You're 100% being extremely ableist and asking disabled people to do things in the most costly, effort and time consuming way to fit in with a morality position which is clearly been developed with no real accurate knowledge of service dog work or training.

Plenty of us have chosen this option with full understanding of what it means, it hasn't been 'given to us'. Don't go 'oh the poor disableds don't know any better tho' like it absolves you of all the shitty things you've just said about us and our dogs.

Anyway I said my piece. Have a cute pic of my dog Kovacs, assistance dog in training for my Autism and CPTSD, currently almost two years old and living his best puppy life. I had to stop writing this for a little while many times because he demanded pets.

#animal welfare #animal rights #service dogs #dogblr #assistance dog

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simonalkenmayeris-still-dead · 3 years

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wow this one’s long

I don't usually "liveblog" my reactions to Simon's posts, I usually read them all the way through and then respond, but he's made yet another post about how dumb I am, so let's see how I'm gonna react in real time.

First up, it's a problem that I've already decided he's human. Off to a bad start already. I didn't decide you're human, Simon, I decided you were a character. It's pretty obvious you're a character, there's a whole book about your monsterous deeds.

See what I said about him getting in and out of character mixed up?

Apparently the correct thing to do when I decided this was to offer to fill out a survey. You know, those surveys he keeps talking about? The ones he hasn't written yet? It makes total sense I would offer to fill out something that doesn't exist. Right.

Oh, then we get to the good parts. The parts where Si thinks he invented roleplaying. For anyone who doesn't know, I've been a roleplayer for around 20 years. This is gonna be interesting.

So yeah, of course there's a person writing the blog, that's YOU Si. But you're writing it as the character of Simon Alkenmayer. That's the monster. They are different people. What happens on the blog should be in character.

Remember that instead of recognising that I've said he's a fictional character, he's saying I think he's a human and not a monster. That's important because then he tries to consolidate the parts of his persona. It's beside the point that if you shoot an author because of their pen-name then the author is still dead, because I'm not talking about authors.

You can't harm an author by harming their character, but Simon is trying to conflate the two, and if you were just reading this casually, it would be easy to agree with him.

Then we get to this part where I'm not entirely sure what Simon's talking about, but I suspect he's talking about his blog. And I suspect he's talking about what I just mentioned before, that he doesn't distinguish between in and out of character.

One of the fun parts of interacting with roleplay blogs run by actual roleplayers is that they don't get offended by asks because they know it's all in good fun. Si seems to think everything sent to his blog is being sent to him, the author, rather than Simon, the character.

And then we get a paragraph on harm and accountability. I'm not really following the logic that I can't hold him to account if I can't harm him. I do find it disturbing, but not surprising, that he equates those things. Like, we know Simon thinks it's much worse to be called out on discrimination than it is to actaully discriminate against people.

But even then, I can't harm a character that doesn't exist, but I can absolutely hold the writer to account, especially if they're running an online blog. Creators are held to account all the time.

Oh then we have this "unique instance". Because we know Si hates roleplayers, so obviously, he's the only person who's ever done this before. Which is actually really bad for him, because if he had gone and looked, he would know there are lots of rules and etiquette around roleplaying, and they exist for reasons, including preventing you from having a public meltdown.

So in this unique instance, he's basically saying he's projecting onto the character. I mean obviously he's saying this to back up his "I am monster" story, but I've no doubt he's also just doing that, which aside from being a real mistake in RP, why would you do it? If I were in that position, I'd want the character to be authentic to the books, and I wouldn't want my personality to get mixed in.

Simon's really humble here. His action are well thought out, disciplined and in the best interests of others. He thinks I've called his readers idiots. I don't think I have. I'm always very careful not to slight people who follow Simon, because I know first hand how easy it is to get caught up in that sort of thing.

Oh, the best line in this is that he says when people defend him, they're not defending the fiction, as if I haven't had people come to my blog insisting that Simon has to be a monster because nothing else makes sense to them.

Sorry mate, sometimes people are just defending their source of entertainment.

I'm not comandeering a pen-name. Is that really what this is all about? And I wouldn't characterise my "work" such as it is as cruel and mean-spirited, so much as pointing out Simon's bad behaviour.

Like there's a really simple fix for that and it's just to delete some posts, edit the books where appropriate, and make a public apology for the crappy things he's done.

I love that he keeps saying he can't stop me as though he hasn't chosen not to take action. It's a particularly manipulative little phrase for all his readers to keep reading. "Oh, poor Simon, he can't do anything about it." Simon can do something about it, and he chooses not to.

Oh, so then we get to the real accusations. They are yikes. There's some stuff about me allegedly inciting violence? But apparently I've been saying the fire was a hoax. I have NEVER said that. I don't know why Si is so keen to link that fire with me.

It's just an extremely long jump to that conclusion. If something got set on fire out the front of my house, I would probably jump to the conclusion that it was a bunch of teenagers, or drunk people. I would not immediately go "that person on the internet MUST have done it".

And when am I supposed to have said it was deserved? Kristina replied to one of my posts and I tried to console her. I didn't have to tell her what country I live in, but I did, so that she might feel safer. But apparently I think she deserved it? And he says I have no evidence. Where's his?

The other thing I love about Si is how he keeps saying how polite he was to me, but neglects to mention it was after he tried to threaten me. And like, his friends will come over here and be all "that was just a question", as if they don't know what a veiled threat is. It's so cute.

And it turns out, we get to the end and this rant was STILL about me taking the name off the blog? WOW.

#follow up #not THE POST #why is he doing this

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innittowinit · 4 years

Text

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (chapter 7)

AO3

Fic summary:

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary

Dream recounts what happened today to Bad and their mom Wilbur comforts Techno

chapter word count: 1704 (sorry its another inbetween chapter)

Dream snickered as he leaned back in his chair, a half eaten ham and cheese sandwich sitting idly on his plate. He had his mask lifted up so it sat atop his head, showing his freckled cheeks and and reddish cheeks.

“That was a fun game, they were playing along this time”

He reached for a packet crisps, only to drop his hand and pick the sandwich back up when Bad gave him a disapproving look; they all wanted to make Bad proud, he wasn’t around often anymore but when he was here it was great.

It didn’t really feel like home when he was off at school.

Playing with the sleepy boys had been fun though, he mulled over the events of the day as he chewed on the childish meal, the sun was still high in the sky and he doubted it was past 2pm at all.

Phil didn’t seem like he wanted to play, for a moment Dream wondered if Phil just didn’t like playing anymore, he was the oldest afterall, but he quickly shook the thought from his mind. Why else would he still turn up to L’manburg with his brothers?

No, Phil definitely enjoyed it, he was probably just tired today, sometimes even his own brothers didn’t like playing Manhunt if they had had a long day.

He remembered buying the fun snaps, it had been a little nerve wracking but he needed them for the plan to work! He had had to lie about how old he was for the shopkeeper to give them to him, he didn’t ask for ID though so he guessed the old man running the place also didn’t see the point in having an age limit to buy a toy. While they were going through their plan first, Sapnap had said he wanted to blow it up.

Obviously they couldn't do that.

And so they decided on fun snaps and their ‘weapons’. At least this way they’d still get shocked by the noise of the snaps going off anyway, it wasn’t like they wanted to cause any real harm, he didn’t want to lose any more potential friends because of the ways he had fun.

“We actually got into L’manburg today” Sap laughed, hair dusted with sandy dirt from when he had been pushed to the floor.

His sandwich had been toasted to make the cheese melty and he was dipping it in a Tomato cup-a-soup. As far as Dream was concerned, that was single handedly the worst food combination ever made and he deserved to be pushed over for eating like that.

“I hope you guys aren’t playing too rough out there, those Reid kids have a littl’un right?”

Nodding, Dream shoved the rest of his lunch into his mouth, chewing it as much as he could before giving up and just speaking with his mouth full anyways.

“Yeah Tommys like really small, we aren’t playing too rough though Ma, they’re cool with it, I promise! Even Sap and George like them”

Once she had finished preparing her own lunch, she sat with her kids; they were so rowdy, it would be a straight lie if she said she didn’t worry about their safety sometimes but she supposed boys would just be boys, no amount of sports clubs or extracurricular activities had ever quenched their need to run about and hit each other with sticks.

What was fun about hitting each other, she had no idea, but hopefully they’d grow out of it before they seriously hurt themselves or someone else

“That’s nice to hear then, I’m glad you boys are making new friends, I know it can be difficult adapting to new places-”

“Nah mum it’s easy!” Sapnap had cut her off, hand in a bag of crisps since he had finished his meal, despite how much Bad tried to influence healthy eating decisions.

“That’s nice sweetheart, some people find it hard though! Hey! You know what could be cute? If you take Bad down to meet your buddies, you said they had an older brother around his age too right?”

Dream groaned, feigning annoyance as he glanced over to his brother, while like Phil, Bad still cared about them a whole lot, they didn’t really have the almost-replacement-parent kind of dynamic that the sleepy bois had with their older sibling. He didn’t really understand that, Bad was two years older than him and the way they thought and rationalised things was about the same level, so why did his new friends seem to treat their older brother like a grown up?

Even though they were a bit weird, they were nice and they were fun to play with, so eventually he nodded, it would be so much fun having Bad there to fight with them. It felt like it had been ages since they all played together.

“I think they’re playing something else now, we can all go tomorrow after school if you want”

With a shrug and a flippant smile, Bad had at last agreed to go meet his mischievous brother’s new friends. If the scar on George’s cheek was anything to go off though, it seemed like they were a lot more ill-disciplined than his boys were.

Or at least that’s what he liked to think.

--------

“Phil didn’t mean to hurt you” Wilbur mumbled as they walked hand-in-hand to the old pool where they spent so much of their time together, gently lowering himself in and then helping Techno in afterwards.

The two sat idly against the curved wall, sitting in comfortable silence as Wilbur waited for Techno to sort his thoughts out.

“It still hurts” With a voice as quiet and weak as his was right now, anyone who had bothered to stay around long enough to hear his voice, absolutely wouldn't think this was him.

The assertive, confident way he normally would speak to his brothers long forgotten as he gingerly swallowed the lump in his throat.

He felt invalidated, ignored, humiliated.

Why did Phil have to bring up the one thing he couldn’t argue with him on? He had got hit harder than Tommy! Why did he only care about Tommy?

With a heavy chest and an aching arm, he rested his head on his brother’s shoulder, just wanting some comfort but not really knowing how to put his feelings into words. Thankfully, Wilbur seemed to recognise this rare moment and gently wrapped an arm around him.

“Do you think….” He trailed off into a murmur after that, prompting Wilbur to remind him he needed to use his words

“Do you think that deep down...maybe Phil thinks I’m weird too? It’s weird to be this shy isn’t it? I’m supposed to have grown out of it by now right?”

His voice sounded frantic and panicked, breaths punctuated his sentences as he spilled his emotions into the empty pool. Gentle hands pulled him into a hug and he was tight against Wilbur’s chest, being reminded once again that even if he felt bad himself, his family would always save the day.

“...well I think objectively it is a bit weird that we’re both this attached, and we should be able to be able to do these things that other kids our age can but just because what we have is a little funky doesn’t mean you're weird. If it was normal we wouldn’t have a speech therapist but I don't think it's bad, the other kids in our classes always talk about hating their siblings and stuff. I’m glad none of us are like that.” Wilbur tried his very best to articulate how he felt, a lot of the feelings he wanted to explain, he didn’t have the words to describe, and so he was left with small comparisons and metaphors.

He didn’t bother saying them, if he was struggling with saying them he might accidentally say something that could hurt his brother more.

“I don't think Phil thinks you're weird either. I think he’s frustrated, he works so hard to make sure we’re all okay and we don’t always show him that we appreciate it. I think maybe he’s scared for you, he knows it’s hard for you to talk and with him getting mad it probably came out wrong. He probably wants you to get better really bad and I bet it’s hard for him to watch you struggle and not be able to help. That doesn’t make what he said okay but I do think you should talk to him and try to find out why he said what he said”

Techno nodded, he felt a bit guilty for being so mad at Phil now, he cared so much about them and he had got his little brother hurt.

Even though he felt guilty, he still felt hurt though and maybe it was childish but he didn't care. He wanted to strop and huff and ignore everyone.

Before today he didn’t even realise it was possible to want to fall out of the earth and want to be cuddled by all his favourite people, simultaneously.

“I think you’ll feel better if you talk to Phil though, you wont need to make up theories on why he said it anymore than you already have.”

Another nod, he knew confrontation was inevitable but he wanted to sit here a bit longer, with the shade from the trees and low hanging vines, to the roaring hot sun, it just felt so much better to try and think through his feelings here rather than having to think it all out while he was actually having the conversation with Phil.

“It’s hard” An almost exasperated sigh left his lips “I know Tommy’s just the priority because he’s the youngest. I love him too, so so much, but he didn’t even check to see if I got hurt though. He saw I wasn’t able to protect Tommy and he got mad.

“Today, Phil was tired and stressed and he said some really stupid things but Tech’ I can’t tell you what he meant by them, I’m telling you all these questions would be solved so much faster if we just went and spoke to him.”

“..okay let's go”

#techno #wilbur #technoblade #wilbur soot #dream #sapnap #georgenotfound #badboyhalo #fanfic #hurt/ comfort

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theseagull16 · 3 years

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Warning the following content includes swearing ideas of suicide attempted suicide and depression and anxiety and mental illness detailed graphic descriptions and sexual references and criminal acts which could be upsetting to some viewers viewers discretion advised before reading the rest of this post remember this is all of my own oc is not official and I don't know how to make it if it's even possible anyone knows please comment but for now is this is my personal SCP but other Scps mentioned are real as in official

At present day Dizzy has requested out of the blue for an interview it's noted that is SCP has often refused any interviews that is requested to her and any interviews normally that she participates in are immutable, lies or just plain out ignored. But Dizzy has come to researchers and bargains an interview for the deal of being allowed to visit SCP 1508 in private for an hour at least site director... has agreed to the interview and taking Dizzy bargain so long as she doesn't cause any harm at all, any sign of aggression or sines of excitemen stress to anyone during the interview any signs of escape interview and her deal will be off. Dizzy has to where when juring outside of her containment high Dennsery expense gloves to avoid causing inorganic objects to be affected with poison table and area around Dizzy is not to be approached by interviewer or touched juring interview because that would trigger the response of the poston to exploding and causing the effect to happen. Interview Dizzy being green interviewer is in blue

Begin log

Instant silence

You know we could come closer I won't bite, l said I won't hurt anyone and you're standing in the middle of the room on a chair looking like an idiot might as well come closer to the table.

I would but you're leaning your elbows on the table causing your so-called "poison" to infected it and if I touched any object infected with dos green veins I end up suffering norva and diarrhea for the next good 62 hours

sigh what's the point of having these gloves on when everything is already infected with this stuff, there's on point keeping them on

She throws the gloves into a nearby bin

I don't think you're allowed to do that

Err fuck like who's going to care anyway, not like I'm using them anyway

Still if you don't coporate this interview will be over

then herey up and say some God them questions

Alright why a sudden desire to communicate. Until say yesterday you refuse to take any interviews flipping off, telling to f*** off or any other offensive language to anyone who comes near you with the idea of doing any experiments or interviews. And in unlucky situations sometimes you even vandalised there cars, objects rooms, or just make them sick

(A laugh could be heard in a slight giggle) what can I say they deserved it

To you maybe

They do deserve it Dizzy slams her fists onto the table

Calm remember

Yeah I know stay calm or no interview blah you're probably going to ask me about that later in the questions and to answer your question about why I suddenly have the urge to talk to you bush bags I have my reasons but I don't think that's important the only thing your little Foundation fides important is I share my knowledge I ceep carefully to myself so if you want to know anything just ask you're stupid question you had on your mind since the day you started working and found out about me now then I can get on with my day

So long as it ends with you visiting SCP- 1508.

If you mean by Joe which is his name by the way then yes yes I do

Which moves on to the next question why do you dislike when we call you by your designated numbers instead of your name

AAA Dizzy Flores her head back laughing before continuing in a mocking manner you supposed to be smart but still asked me simple easy questions. What to get my opinion it's kind of obvious I don't like being called that because I'm not your property is the degrading and I have a name so I don't see why not use it. it's supposed to be respectful to use somebody's name and I don't see being called at number is very respectful it's why anything or anyone in here that doesn't have a name I give a name

Is that why you break into other SCP containment rooms.

At first usually I just go into the room for entertainment in the form of a conversation or to hopefully make a new friend like and Joe, know any other SCP but then after I get to know them better and I found out they have no identities and some of them are also as miserable as s***. So I give them a name to have an identity with the name.

why do you have the urge to break into other SCP containment for your own entertainment can't use ask for something to keep you entertained

No it's more than just entertainment is the opportunity to travel, explore, marvel and brighten up the day of different objects and people that can usually only be found in fantasy amazing and every experience is almost always something new you can't put a price on that or replicated is not same and it kind of pisses everyone off, so it's an added bonus for me ahah.

Next question are you aware of your other a anomalous traits other than your main one

Do you mean other than the fact that I didn't take a s*** in literally over 60 years, I haven't cough, sneeze, or felt anything other than normal for decades that I don't even need the shower when just for entertainment and It turned the water green with my poison, and that anything that comes on to me like bacteria that is harmful gust slides off my body and clothing and every part of me, that I can't feel actual fear other than shock seeing it's a negative emotion or the fact that I can't be affected by medication even with a positive effect and life vitals machines don't actually work from me yeah I kinda have notice

What's your opinion on the SCP held here at the site and throughout the foundation hard to pinpoint your exact your opinion on SCP even when observing other SCP is hard to get your exact opinion your reaction are randoms to say the least

Actually that kind of a hard one Doc, my reaction is random because it's really depending on what happens when I go in there I don't really know what to expect I just go with the flow and see what goes on in there really it's kinda going into a room blindfolded almost and as for my opinion for other SCP some of them I actually I'm glad they're stuck in here seeing that they will probably kill the whole god damn universe if they ever got out and others I feel sorry and also disgusted by the foundation for keeping it here it's not their fault and they're not even dangerous they just a little different that's all that star eyed girls she just want to get out but you won't let her shame on you

She which you have named galaxy never put any request for ever mentioned for going outside

That's because he is scared if you would just sedate her like other in here

She wouldn't be scared if people not mentioning names didn't tell exactly what people do in here to SCP when they are to Wiley

yeah put the blame on me why not it's not like he has brains to figure it out by yourself you really underestimated SCP that's another reason I find the foundation disgusting we're not objects or least not all of us

Moving on

Hurry up

Do you anything about the laxatives in the tea of dr ....

Maybe

now let's get to the source of this conversation in the first place, why the sudden urge to visit SCP- 1504 usually if you just want to see him you preferably or duo not encouraged method break into his containment and settings free usually or vice versa why now you deciding to go for more for the less catastrophic method of visiting

Like I said before I have my reasons

Oh really

What are you getting at is this a double course because if it's a double course I will

Don't worry we can't even double cross you know negative effect remember

We did some research on your friend Joe as you call him and surprisingly we discovered that today is his birthday and it so happens since was contained every year on his birthday he seems to be more miserable year after year it's also happened you demanded an interview you might despise us but we are intelligent we kind of put the dots together you might as well admit it

.... Alright fine I admit it I ordered this interview in hoping to get privileges of allowing me to visit him on his birthday he is miserable is sad seeing the only companion you probably have around here for who knows how long I stop counting decades ago just drink and get high on his birthday and not even happy it's a miserable sort of way in a sense of will depression and years getting older nothing to getting better for him even after me even just visiting him in his cell still miserable tied up in there but not even a single birthday cake or compliment from anyone other than me to make him feel better even though I know you don't even notice so I decided to take the long short by getting this party

That quite admirable actually your friend is not getting on well with his birthday so you decided to do something sweet for him, don't think from your records of time we let you two be together you'll probably get a reward like an extra radio but a party station I don't know

Worth a try

And what happens if it fails

I guess you'll be another miserable year then

Never realised that your friends up with SCP 1504 this toxic

Personally I think that comment is bullshit.

What makes you think that don't you notice you encourage each other to drink, smoke, commit crimes, and vandalism even notice once a couple of years back that you and "Joe" somehow managed to make a secret meff lab and using it to experiment with different a SCP for fun in the basement of site 91

Hahaha I'm surprised you idiots didn't notice that earlier we somehow managed to drug up at least 6 SCP before anyone noticed and even then it was by accident when they were clean out the old basement Dizzy throws back in her seat laughing AH AH

You think it's funny to drug up SCP some of them are people you know

Bravo and in only took you experimenting on them and somebody else who having needles jabbed into them who are not scientists to say it

Regardless don't you recognise that what you and 1504 are doing is cruel and reckless

Hypocrite!!

You know what I mean

sure on the surface it sounds ridiculous and somewhat crazy and be honest we kind of are it a way but before you see anything is my explanation when you were immune to heam itself we kind of lose the will to be careful in a way and when no negative effect can be brought on to you you also lose more of that desire to hold back in a sense it doesn't mean that your conscience has been affected it does means you're a terrible person a little bit bad but deep down good people or at least I'm a good person and the people we "druged up" as you called it they were all willing to do it and some of those people even asked for those hi all of the SCPS we did it were objects creatures that were animals in a way and people who asked or couldn't get any worse if we give it to them see the records none of those SCP if you don't believe me none of them were harmed at the a little bit delirious and tired after a while but fine we're not monsters we don't do it to hurt them in the way we do it to make them feel better what do you think people take drugs in the first place to make them forget about the horrible things in life it's not good to them and it temporary but what else can I get around here some of them they even steal it from us check the records again if we didn't do it together we probably would have done it in any other scenario and as for encouraging each other for doing thinks like I said when your immune due to lose any sense of dread do it we drink and smoke but in a way is nothing other than like drinking water or leads to me and as for Joe he gets drunk and high but in the end of the day it doesn't kill him it just get a headache I only do it the keep company if I do stop him you just do it anyway so really I I don't do it nothing bad will happen we are not normal people plush employees in the foundation actually bought some of the meth we made before they were probably discovered

OK how much other scenarios like the time you and Joe still Dr.... car and drove it through a SCP portal to another dimension into a abandoned waste dump full of scrap metal that goes on for miles not only did you also kidnap a mtif soldier and through in the back of your car but you also crashed the place and then crashed the car all the time when you and Joe escaped he loading some rich women and you beated her with cricket bat and then stole her money another terrible time when you were transported to another complete by plane with a couple of other SCP they decided to be better if you travel in an like normal people instead of in an enclosure and you're scps friends including Joe before you even entered the plane you used a plank placed on a rod on the floor to hit Dr clef in the balls

Slight giggles

you turned a man into a crying wimp on the floor clutching his groinedon in the plane when a Stuart found out you were french he greeted you in French you shouted back to him vous pouvez sucer le Dr Clef glorifié boules meurtries enflées Stanley Joe got drunk and you filmed it he passed out and then insulted and walked around the whole plane during the entire flight and when you came down you did the same thing you did to Dr clef only to Dr bright even though he tried to avoid it

Ok as for the car bit I was upset about my miserable life and so was joe slightly drunk and felt like we both needed something to cheer each other we saw the car out and I know Dr.... loves that car sweat to God I think I was him kissed it. I got pissed seeing Dr.... is a go for nothing jerk he puts D class into danger for no reason that's like any other people and just like any other person I would want to punish him I told this to Joe well you know what he had the idea of and there was a testing with SCP-093 dimension portal nearby so you can guess what happens next we hijack the car with some bottles of whiskey from some security officer and a camera, Dr.... was me in the car and I flip him off you should have seen the look on his face it was priceless and so we just drove straight through the portal like nothing and mtif trucks was chasing us it was absolute thrill and never felt so alive. And I didn't give a care of anything. The car was faster than them one of the sodger somehow managed to get up to us much have been in the back we didn't notice he was out match I paralyzed him and then we throw him in the back he was a jerk anyway so I don't care Anyway when the gas run out we watching the sunset tuke pictures of the car each other and us settings to the top of the car drnking whiskey having a blast gust two friends hanging out so we have no blame it was f****** awesome then the mtif scod fade us got the guy out of the truck and tode us back the car getting distorted was a actsdet nothing to do with us when we got back one of the crans for the portal fell

As for the incident in the plane Dr clef had it coming for the looongest time just ask any female SCP or researcher I did them a favour. That'll teach him a lesson to make smart ass remarks not so tough when reality

I'll be lying to say your not a little bit right there

The flight attendant mug and I wasn't it really in a good mood since I hate the foundation ice auto be a good time to that's really good friends was making some interesting memory videos and making them all upset. The woman incident was when me and Joe escape once we needed money and there was no banks nearby but a horrible rich woman don't feel sorry for her, we only steel off people that really deserved it well I do Joe don't I make him do it because I don't want him stealing off innocence the lady was a rich scamp who treated the poor folk like trust and Roberts said she was in the black market and even sleep with one of the old judges to get off from stealing charity money from orphans she deserved what she got, we beat up a little not anything fatal just enough to make her ugly then stole some money we broke into her house and use my powers to give us so blisters on her feet to just to make sure that the hit one kill her. And Joe hit her in the back with a bat

Why do you feel like you can use your powers to punish the ones who avoid the justice system in some ways

I have to power to make people suffer I might as well use it tell me if you had a chance to save someone or just stand whilst they be killed you would obviously choose them it's similar to how when I see somebody doing harm I can't just stand there I have to make them pay for it I believe everyone gets what they deserve eventually even if not in life they will get it in hell but it's too late because they're dead so I make sure they get the punishment before the dead to know what they did was wrong

when ever you brings us this or just someone annoys you and you played a prank on them you never killed them no matter how bad things they did are

because if I killed them I will be as bad as the people I call monsters I might have lost a lot of things but I would never ever in any circumstances lose my homity and dignity by being a hypocrite and committing what I believe is the worst thing a person can do to a person bring death and personally I don't really see this as a punishment when it comes to my own suffering I feed as a way out but obviously I'm immortal so that will never happened

When you first came to this Foundation was very suicidal it seemed to approve over the time I'm are you still suicidal

Sort moment of silence

Not as before to say I'm not completely suicide that would be lying kind of faded almost as the decades went through I see it as a sort of sideeffect being a model eventually your pain blur's into the conscience of your mind and your personality over take it because nobody get the live as long as me and I have pretty of distracted seeing as Foundation always bring something new that helps friends I made since helped but to say I'm cured completely nope some days is worse than others sometimes. but if there was a better option to be free for my depression I will take it of course but I'm glad I'm better than before you wouldn't believe how dark that mindset is

Has therapy helped

Yes definitely but is not just therapy I find everything helps me in some ways when it comes to friends to talk to even strangers people to listen to it that matter to get it off your chest helps a lot.

Speaking of your oh so "lovely" friends let's talk about them apart from Joe you made a couple of them over the years some more favourable than others let's talk about them less start with your closest friend and the reason why this interview is taking place in the first place Joe

Well you already know his life from his file as an SCP there's not really much to say about him apart from the fact what is he really like because unlike the rest of you I actually know for fact what he's saying or doing hints why we're so close friends

and hints why you 2 can get away with things like robbing people only two days ago you somehow managed to borrow 50 quid out of the wallet of Dr....

And we spent it on a magic coffee dispenser to trick somebody into drinking bin water just for fun

Nmmmm

But Joe and I kind of need each other he's the first to person to really understand me a fellow SCP you became my friend somebody who knows what it feels like to be lonely and is suffer for a good majority of time in fact I could say he suffers more than me even.I had are you still have a human connection or more reality until he met me he was suicidal depressed and nobody had any idea of it or even he had a blue tick knowledge you should have seen his face when you first realise he finally found somebody to connect to you and don't leave me feel worse that he couldn't give me a hug you know that's why he's in the streets that could because the amount of fluid is Santa's lack of escape makes a mad the let us be with each other and in close proximity because if he doesn't have a human connection now he goes nuts and once he was so this before escape from the mental pain he grabbed me by the solders and end of catching severe case of schizophrenia but also seeing him like that screaming bagging blood everywhere for the 62 hours is painful to watchbut we help with turning away we keep eachother company we have each other's backs we stop each other from going crazy I can feel my world go up if you don't want them with him because he doesn't care what I am he's not here to study he's really the only person that really gives a damn for me anymore and maybe is just because he's desperate for company but it's genuine at least

What about other people But 1st oof Did you ever fall in love

No, if you'd read my record, you would know that my anomalous ability makes people unable to be sexually interested in me, including able to feel any romantic feelings towards me which really sucks because nobody can ever fall in love with me which really sucks because I didn't have a boyfriend before all of this which really fuckin' sucks

Ok let's go back to some other questions then what are some of the other friends like scp-507

Honestly he's a nice guy but we and close friends sometimes gets nervous to are idea of fun mostly pranking people not into that sort of stuff sometimes me and Joe would sneak into his room he's pretty good at using computers

Explain

don't worry we just asked him let us see some videos that we are banned on watching well Joe's banned from watching is's nothing that bad and it's not like we scanned anything light drinker doe sometimes we will go to the roof to drink and being nice we invited him to come with us if you refused he would wosh out after half a bottle

Is that even allowed

Ah F*** them

What about jonesy the half cat you seem to be close to jonesy cat

I love jonesy his sweet and cute be honest he Sims more Joe friend seeing that I can't pet him but he's not afraid of me I can always play with him I told him tricks too

What tricks

I taught him to attack on command he wrecked Dr.... face it was hilarious. Moment of silence come on it was funny he only had a scratch

Moving on how about something different about Dr bright and agent Rocky Jones.

Temporary silence

Are you alright

Yes.

I believe rocky was the first person you ever encountered after your condition so to say happened if I believed correctly you two became close friends over the years even after his hair ternd completely grey you use to joke about that and he'd take time to come to see you and often joke about it until he's unfortunate demise unfortunately turned out to be by Dr bright

Rocky was a good man he was sent to like the other mtif soldier he went to the foundation for the sole reason of wanting to help others and protect others he never shot any human and never ever killed anyone even go against orders to save people including civilians and to avoid death casualties

he still experienced poison first time and leaving the second time he cut off his own hand to avoid getting infected again

Ok f*** off that was by accident and so was the second time you can't go 50 years without hitting an accident even if it's twice the actor of him cutting his arm off surprised me he did it so quickly and so swiftly I still feel sorry for him no matter how many times I see his prosthetic arm and no matter how many times he said to me it was ok I couldn't forgive myself for it but he never blame to me I don't know why but you never blam with me I'm Grace's for that

Unfortunately Dr Jack fight thought it would be a good test subject to a SCP due to the lack of D class and he was close to retirement he killed him with an axe and then experimented on his parts with SCP....

Anger: dat no good whatever he is didn't deserve to kill an innocent man and get away with it no matter how high he's clearance I wanted revenge I wanted to bury rocky picked up what's left of him in the acid bath and bury him of cause acid has no effect on me he's a skeleton but still l made sure he had a proper funeral with me Joe, some classes who are kind of nice and some scientists to also didn't like what bight did and missed rocky but he was the closest thing to a funeral I can get And then plotted my plan it was quite easy wait until it's dark nobody around other than the D classes, SCP and Joe distracted him than the clobbered him over the head well Joe bib then we tied him up to a cargo trolley and use my powers to give him a nail fungus I wanted the real pain to be more brutal than anything I have and then we'll come up he said crossword threaten even gloated and I stuck them over the face for that I told him he was going to suffer he said didn't care he's suffered before but I doubt he'd ever suffer like he did there and you could tell him his face he knew he was f***** when he realised what was coming to him a pit full of angry D classes who all had a bone to pick with him and some SCP who are also hated his guts and so didn't take the D classes we tied him up to the trolley made sure he'd couldn't escape and through him into the pit you should have heard him screaming begging for his released and even asking for help but no he was going to suffer just how rocky did .... 10 times worse the fact that I use my powers against him meaning that he wouldn't die butter suffer for round a good 10 hours it's more worse than poison because it's gets revenger gardens Joe and I just sat there watching with show during beer with him and some cigarettes it was the most relaxing thing I ever did for revents in the morning when everyone came and they put them out he's so scared of me after that's incident and it should be

And what you hate doctor bright so much

He's a prick

Oh really because your friend the plague doctor says otherwise

f*** you the plague doctor is not my friend I met him once when I escaped and he escaped in the same time and I found him by chance I only stayed with him after that to stop him from killing more people I didn't stop him from turning the bodies into what the plague doctor called the pestilence and the curd because they're already dead but he is scared of me he felt poison my poison and he's petrified of me

True when we asked about you in an interview with him he did say he was petrified to you but he also said you hate Dr bright to because you envy him you envy everything about him that he's in a SCP and he has the freedom that you can only wish for freedom to see your family the freedom to feel love freedom to have friends without restrictions to socialise and don't need to worry about making somebody have cancer just by giving them a hug and how he's anomalous ability doesn't seem to affect him that much and you hate when he says he feels upset due to his SCP status saying that because you're the only one who understands to suffering through and SCP you haven't seen your family in their decades you didn't even get to go to your parents funeral when font out you escaped to see the graves of the died of natural causes when MTF squad found are you are weeping at the graves they let you stay there a few minutes and then you went by your own recalled you carried on crying 4 weeks after that and as three siblings you don't even know what they look like no picture of them you have nothing

That plague doctor is wise I will give him that destrudo why am I a nice SCP but I'm stuck in here but all just constrictions that any other SCP has but Dr bright probably the worst person and most dumbest person I ever met is allowed almost get away with everything is not fair and that's for the real reason I hate him he says he understands and is sad because of his predicament of being a immortal he doesn't because I'm immortal to his immortality has no chains attached to it it's it's just sad to say just like that me there's always a catch I could just walk out of here with nobody stopping me but the catch is there's always a catch there's nothing for me out there there's no hatred there's no love there's no nothing what's the point of being a immortal if you can't enjoy it the only thing I bring is sickness and sadness I have to worry about giving people cancer just buy hugging them people are scared of me because of my ability and it should be but I feel miserable Dr bright is able to enjoy his life and he dares feels upset because of his predicament he should be god damn lucky he doesn't need to worry about it I didn't himself I have to worry about not only in myself my mental health but also others are not only hurt

is that why you stay here your numbers ability does prevent us from stopping you leaving

Yes

I see

it's also the reason whenever he says he understands pain the SCP feel the pain that he brings other people I make sure he's truly feels pain and he gets punished for his wrong doing

Now can I have my our with Joe

we'll have to see but that there's a lot of checklist to go through they might be even the couple of days who knows weeks until your permission has been approved

Ash I knew I wouldn't be getting to see Joe today but ok have a backup plan I went to Joe cell and talk to him before I came here if getting is interview fails there's always plan b this is breaks out and we go to the roof to enjoy ourselves and private for an hour

What

Gjvd

Rumbling noises lights Go out

Note lights went out due to SCP 1504 sneaking into the control room and the stopping the lights dizzy then escape through her miss form through the ventilation system and the two met on the roof after SCP 1504 took couple of bottles of beer from dr.... office the two stage on the roof remaining hour on deck chairs that SCP 1504 stole from a supply closetthe towards the sunset together was drinking beers a small recording managed to be caught before cameras went off of the two on the roof

SCP 1504 is blue and dizzy is green

So how was the interview

you no it was emotional but at least I got to see you too old friends

to old friends

the two then sheared and continue watching the sunset

End log

#ocs #scp #dizzy

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albatris · 4 years

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Hello hope you're well on this Saturday may I ask what the deepest fears of each of the ATDAO cast members is, thank you and goodnight

oh you’re just gonna dive right in with the hard-hitting questions I see

thank you for the ask!!

under the cut because rambles, of course, I literally do not know how to be concise I’m so sorry, you probably already knew this was coming HAHAHA

Tris’s deepest fear aside from Literally Everything In The Universe would be uhhhhh....... being somehow responsible for harm coming to the people he cares about? either directly or indirectly. I think on a big scale the whole concept of the butterfly effect stresses him out hahaha. on a small scale, he spends a lot of time stressing about his friends and family, he has a lot of intrusive thoughts about what horrible things could potentially happen to them, he worries about accidentally hurting them, etc. etc.

n I haven’t really talked in depth all that much about the specifics of Tris’s psychosis, but there’s definitely aspects of it that become pretty intense and aggressive in terms of commands and orders and “some terrible and/or violent thing will happen to your friend / sister / neighbour if you don’t do this thing”, lots of prickly parts of it that like to make threats to his safety and the safety of the people around him if he attempts to ignore or resist them. so even on good days he’s got this constant background-hum anxiety that if he chooses to disobey something or if he misinterprets a sign or if he steps out of line, his loved ones are going to be punished for it, which is just.............. a lot

a fear of helplessness and a lack of control also factors into it, like, ever since he was very very very small he’s had this idea ingrained that you can do literally everything right and the universe can still squash you like a bug at any second, n he had absolutely no way to even begin processing that in a healthy way so it just manifested in the fact that he pretty much only ever feels safe when he’s accounted for every tiny detail and is following very specific routines and has left as little room as possible for anything unexpected to catch him off guard. he’s got these rules and systems and rituals he clings to ‘cause they offer him some illusion of safety and control even though they kind of........ won’t actually do anything to stop the universe fucking his shit up

Noa’s is................. I’m not sure if “being left behind” really covers it

if we’re talking in a real broad big scale sense, I think it’s a fear of being forgotten or brushed over or not being seen, or more, people refusing to see her? it’s a fear of, like, fighting her hardest to make noise and be seen and the world just completely and utterly turning its back on her. she’s spent a whole lot of her life trying to carve out a space for herself and make her voice heard, n between illness and financial difficulties and a piece of shit dad, she and her mum have struggled to stay afloat in systems that have just consistently, consistently failed them and whose best advice is “just try harder” and “we can’t help you if you don’t help yourself”

and, like, Noa’s very full of rage about it and has made some restless peace with the fact that she has to look out for herself and the people she cares about, because no one in any position of power is gonna throw them a stick, but it’s not something she’s comfortable with and it’s a horribly alienating and frightening experience

n I guess a fear of being left behind does play out on an interpersonal level too, though it’s not really in the same vein as the other stuff? I’ve talked a lot in the past about how she’s resistant to people getting close to her ‘cause she’s got a lot of paranoia and fear and doesn’t wanna be vulnerable, but there’s also just............ a whole lot of impostor syndrome in the friendships she already has, she’s always on some level convinced that she’s somehow tricked people into liking her and one day they’re gonna wake up and realise she’s not all that special or that nice or that fun to be around. I don’t think she really views herself as someone who’s allowed to be loved just for who she is, or that “who she is” is someone who already has value or anything to bring to the table in terms of friendship

Shara’s deepest fear is the idea that there really is Absolutely No Meaning To Any Of This

that the universe is all just chaos with no purpose and no direction, that there are no bigger forces at play, that there’s nothing good and right and loving at the centre of it all, that it’s all just chance and machinery and completely unfeeling

I think one of the main ways she processes the world and is able to feel safe given the collapsing nature of reality is her desperate and adamant belief that There Has To Be An Answer, that it’s all something that can be untangled and solved, and that if she can manage to figure it out then she’ll be able to make some peace with it and things will make sense again

there’s a lot of stuff from her past that she has no real closure for, particularly the loss of one of her close childhood friends as a result of some unfortunate interdimensional fuckery, and she’s still trying to sort out her feelings about it and find a way to live her life in relation to it, she’s still trying to find a way that something so cruel can make sense

Kai has............................ a lot of fear. many many fear. I will not talk about all of it. I will talk about two of it

one of the main ones is this idea that the only reason they try so hard to care so much and help people and have a positive impact on the people around them is because deep down they don’t actually care at all, that they’ve kind of just fooled everyone into thinking they’re a good person when in reality they’re the worst, they’re a liar and a fraud

which is just kind of......... I mean, they’re not really someone who’s ever considered their own mental health at length so they haven’t really got any point of reference for what’s happening to them post-time-loop, which is basically just. panic attacks, dissociative episodes, blacking out for days at a time, not recognising themself in the mirror, feeling completely numb, not even fully convinced that this is even real life. all very understandable reactions to what they’ve just been through

but definitely the thing that hits them the hardest is the fact that they can look at the people they’re supposed to love and care about and just not feel anything at all, which fuckin terrifies them. they spend a lot of time in crisis about it, feeling like they’re an actor trying to play the part of their own life, they’re doing what they think they’re supposed to but they’re just completely disconnected

(they eventually open up to Noa about it in a full breakdown and are like “I’m a terrible person” and she’s just like “you’re traumatised you fucking dumbass let’s get you some therapy”)

and on equal footing to this and one that deserves a mention is the fact that they’ve been psyching themself up to Go Back Home for the past year and then psyching themself out again, repeat x infinity. A Lot Fucking Changed in the years Kai was gone, and their family had a funeral for them and mourned them and had to deal with all the grief and the fallout of losing their sibling / child / family member and their mum broke down in a real bad way and they’ve all spent the past seven years trying to claw their way back to anything resembling a normal life

and Kai is kinda A) unsure whether it would be selfish of them to try and re-enter their lives now, whether it would be disruptive and confusing and more pain than it’s worth given how much work they’ve put into trying to move on and create a new normal and B) fucking terrified that they won’t even know these people anymore because they’ve all changed so much and Kai hasn’t, they’re not going to fit here or be welcome anymore, and that no matter how much they try to return to normal they’re never going to have a home again

and that is just

kind of a :( note to end on but here we are, at the end

thanks for coming to my ted talk?

!!! thank u for reading if you read this far in my rambling please have an excellent night

#i was gonna do marrick and jacob too but i feel like this got too long already HAHAHA #i've talked about jacob's fear once before i think #and marrick. well. that's a post and a half #probably a post i should make at some point!#but not right now maybe #anyway this was. hm. a lot #also since i know in my atdao posts i talk a lot about these themes of like #''uncaring cosmic machinery''#i wanna emphasise that the message of this book is absolutely not ''the universe does not care about you''#whether or not the universe cares is up for debate and i'm not gonna go into it #i have no comment on the universe one way or another beyond #there's meaning in the lives we create for ourselves and there's meaning #in the meanings we give each other #love and connection and hope can be the good at the centre of it all #basically the entire moral of atdao comes down to #THERE IS LOVE AT THE CENTRE OF EVERYTHING #which is valid of me i think #tracle0

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glitteryfacemagazine · 3 years

Text

It’s all fun and games until you’re lying in bed and suddenly have a flash of what it FELT like to be depressed. I remember when all I could manage to do was lie in bed and daydream about all the things I wanted to accomplish but didn't have the energy to do any of it. I had mostly healed from it, but I think caffeine is a trigger and heavy emotions dont help either.

I am being triggered by my mother’s long forwards on the pandemic because she doesn't often care to fact check and is becoming the exact creature I fight outside the house. It feels like a personal defeat each time she does it because if my own family falls prey to fake news, then what hope do I have with other people? My politics unfortunately doesn’t let me be two-faced about this and I behave reactively in a way that I’m not proud of and only know how to help when I apply my head to it. Conflict resolution or healthy conflict resolution is not something I have any examples of at home, so taught myself it yet dont implement it at home. Maybe as punishment? To point out exactly how they make me feel when they attack me and send my whole body into panic? This morning my mother saw a bottle of coke in the fridge and yelled at me. She said she would throw it out if another bottle came home. I’m done cutting her slack and masking this as a mode of caring. Yes, I have thyroid and she reacted from a space of panic. But at 53, she’s an adult who should have learned how to regulate her emotions instead of taking her raw panic out on me even if it was induced by care and fear. I’m no one’s punching bag just because they’re having a chemical reaction in their own brain because then I dont see it as a form of care, but of aggression. It’s also a shit message to send out to your child? That someone operating from a space of care is ALLOWED to be verbally violent and threaten to take away something that’s brought you joy?

I was disgusted in that moment, but my nervous system was thrown into deregulation for the whole morning. It fucks with the work I have to do, and takes away from my ability to calmly focus on something. Most importantly, this behaviour brings out rebellion in me where I start to OD on the behaviour that brought out that reaction as a challenge against her. It’s self harm, but it comes from a space of raw anger that I’m still learning how to channel.

To be honest, I’m angry about a lot of things.

I’m angry that I’m being controlled and have no way out except for the way they decide is the way out. The problem with being furious with but also caring about the people who hurt you is that you learn to turn your anger and rage inward and when they react to you with rage and you react to yourself with rage, it’s easy to place yourself in the position of doormat. I let myself be taken for granted because they forced me to. If I’m being hateful, it’s only because I’m done being asked to hate myself for not following the path they think is best.

No, I shouldn't have to work extra hard to prove to my parents that I deserve freedom or a good education. They have crippled me, so now I have to do the work of picking myself up and walking. But this is so unfair, because I have next to no support while most people learning to walk in their early adult years had family rooting for them and a peer group learning to walk at the same time.

My journey is solitary because by virtue of being either uneducated (not his fault at all and I hate my grandfather for this) or disinterested in education (her fault because my maternal grandfather was completely supportive of her studying further) my parents think I’m supposed to fit into the mould of a traditional woman and push me to do things they think I’m not doing because THEY are afraid. My failure is the result of fear that wasn't even my own but was forced on me to carry along with the burden of shame.

I will not apologise for yelling at her today, no. She was thoughtless, and then turned my specific problem into a statement of me always having issues with her, which is untrue. I dont need to engage with her gaslighting or emotional blackmail any longer.

I’m literally getting married to escape being controlled and it’s sad how she knows this but still won't apologise to me because her ego gets in the way. My father might be the reason she’s doing all this, but I specially feel rage towards her because she’s the one enacting things that he left unsaid. She’s got agency of her own, but she chooses to squander it where required, but use it in full force to hurt me and my dreams of where I want to be and who I want to become. My life unfortunately has been confined within their ideas of what structures should resemble and I s2g I will not come back to live with them on their terms if I can help it.

But this is so bitter a realisation that I cant help but cry. Gautam doesn't love me and yet I feel the gutting loss of what could have been had my family been... not this way. We could have had a real future. We still can, but he doesn't love me, and this shouldn't hurt like this but it does?

Am I too old for heartbreak? I am, am I not?

He must think I’m absolutely obsessive and codependent, but I’m really just a person dealing with emotional abuse that’s lasted all my life (along with some good old physical beating with belts, hands, cutlery, brushes, whips, lol I’ve had a mirror broken on my leg a day before we were supposed to leave for a holiday when I was 10) and all I really want is to be able to look at him and securely call him mine because I’ve been carved out from the inside by complete lack of emotional support. I look at him and recognise someone who’s a little like me with a history of different kinds of abuse and each time he rejects me, I feel like I deserve to reject myself. Which is a very problematic approach to self love. I cant expect someone like me to love me because I’m lazy to do the work. Actually, I’m not lazy. I just feel so defeated that I keep lying down dreaming of the future and hoping he will love me enough for me to fill my insides with it and that will resurrect me. And each time I get knocked down I take it as my cue that things for me are destined to be hard and self loathing is the only relationship I can have with myself. But it’s not. I shouldn't be. This body has seen a literal whole lifetime of violence because it was brought into this world through violence. I wasn't wanted. So when I was born I was 97% dead and stories of how my own blood relatives are trash were told to me when I was very young and I didn't need to be told stories of such violence at 4 and 5.

I didn't need to be told that my grandmother wanted to burn my mother alive or that my mother didn't care enough about me and had run away when she’d left the house for a bit. She was tortured by them, so she took it out on me even if she claimed to love me. I know this because she still does it every time my father screams at her. I cant keep rationalising these things and understanding. I only have this empathy because I was used as her crutch for as long as I can remember. I cant do this anymore because despite emotionally depleting me she’s also violated my space and privacy multiple times and used violence against me to score brownie points with my father.

I’m just disgusted with her and women like her who show women down for approval from men. She bit me because she couldn't bite her oppressor, even though I was literally just a child. And now I bite myself when I cant bite my oppressors and really need to unlearn it.

G made the right decision by not picking me. I’m a literal mess and his family is most definitely more stable than mine. He will never be able to hold me and witness me without pity/horror. Is it too much to want a stable life at home?

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the-quiet-winds · 5 years

Text

Things are Shaping Up to be Pretty Odd (part one)

[A bit of modern fun and fluff with @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts. Ironically finished a few days before Olivier nominations came out.]

[Part 1: I’m Someone I’ve Never Met]

Jane had only vaguely heard of the Kholer Awards through the people who would come and go to the show, buzzing about the incoming nominations. Their stage manager had mentioned it too, months ago. They had been told a representative would be dropping by a show to evaluate for category nominations, but they had never heard anything about it since.

So Jane was thusly surprised when she was scrolling through social media to see the nominations, and under “Best Live Performance of an Actress in a Musical” was “Katherine Howard, ‘All You WAnna Do’, Six the Musical,” followed by a headshot of the girl watching TV in the next room.

Jane stares at the announcement for a few moments, confusion being replaced with pride as it slowly dawns on her that Katherine had been nominated for an award.

“Kat?” she calls. The TV volume drops several decibels and Katherine’s voice shouts back.

“Yeah?”

Jane stands and approaches the adjoining doorway, leaning against it as she smiles at Katherine. “You didn’t tell me you’d been nominated for a Kholer Award!”

Katherine’s face morphs from surprise to utter shock to pure excitement. “I what?” She shrieks. She throws the remote on the couch and bolts to Jane, grabbing the phone without asking permission. She reads the screen over and over, sure something must be wrong. “I...” she looks to Jane. “I’m up for an award, mum,” she whispers, tears in her eyes.

Jane pulls her into a tight hug and Katherine returns it, a babble of “I can’t believe it’s’ and “oh my God’s’ spilling from her. When she pulls back she’s suddenly full of energy, almost bouncing up and down with excitement.

“When is it? I can bring everyone with me, right? Oh my God, I'm gonna need a new dress- what if there’s a red carpet?” She speaks so fast Jane can barely catch most of the words and She laughs slightly as she watches Katherine’s excitement, the warm feeling of pride almost bursting in her chest.

“Easy, girl,” Jane laughs, putting her hands on Katherine’s shoulders. “We’ve got plenty of time to get you a gorgeous dress and all dolled up.” Katherine’s smile is radiant, brilliant, and Jane can’t help her own smile in return. She brushes some of Katherine’s hair out of her face then cups her cheek. “I'm so proud of you, love.”

Katherine’s smile widens. “Thanks, mum.” Her cheeks tinge pink slightly. “Is it bad if I'm a little bit proud of myself too?”

“That’s not bad at all!” Jane laughs. “You should be proud, love. You do such an amazing job with your song every night.” She leans up and presses a kiss to Katherine’s forehead. “You deserve to be recognised for how amazing you are.”

“Mum,” Katherine fake groans. In reality, those words meant so much to her. Almost as much as Jane saying she was proud of her. Katherine’s blush deepens significantly, her cheeks and ears turning bright red. Jane giggles at this and presses another soft kiss to her cheek.

“I couldn’t have done it without you, mum,” she admits, somewhat bashfully.

“You know I'm always here for you, Kat,” Jane says with a soft smile, tucking a strand of hair behind Katherine’s ear. “And I always will be. But don’t sell yourself short, love, you got nominated because you’re incredibly talented.”

“But you’re the one who helped me be more confident!” Katherine insists earnestly. “And if you weren’t there onstage with me, then I'd never be able to do it every day.” She gives Jane a shy grin. “If somehow I do win, then it’s your win just as much as mine.”

“I think you mean ‘when I win’,” Jane laughs.

Katherine fake scowls for just a moment. “I don’t want to jinx it or anything, can’t get cocky.”

Jane hums in agreement, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “If you say so.”

She looks back to the phone. “Looks like we’re also nominated for orchestrations, choreography, and cast album,” Jane says.

“Cast album!” Katherine yelps. “That’s you too mum!”

“It is,” Jane can’t help but smile even wider. She couldn’t lie, it felt good to have their hard work recognised. “It’s all of us!” She nudges Katherine with her elbow gently. “Should we let the others know the good news?”

“they’re gonna be so excited!” Katherine grins.

To say they were excited was an understatement. Aragon, Boleyn, and Cleves nearly lost their minds. Parr was a bit more reserved in her celebration, instead choosing to pull Katherine into a light hug. “Congrats, kid.” she looks proud when they pull apart. “You’ve earned it.”

The ceremony is only a month later, and so, two weeks after that day, on their day off, Jane and Katherine take a ‘girls day’ to search for dresses.

They end up browsing through a few shops before they end up at a little boutique with a French name neither of them were quite sure how to pronounce. The dresses in this shop were towards the pricier end of the spectrum, but as it was for an awards ceremony they decide to look at them anyway. Katherine skims through a rail full of dresses with a thoughtful expression on her face.

“How fancy do you think we should dress?”

“You’ve watched these award shows, love,” Jane responds from a few racks over. “What do you think?”

Katherine doesn’t respond, then suddenly yelps, “mum!”

Jane is half-concerned as she darts over to where Katherine is, holding a dark purple dress, long and full and slightly shimmery, and looking from it to Jane and back again. “It’s perfect for you!”

“Oh, it’s gorgeous,” Jane sighs, reaching out and running her fingertips over the fabric. she deflates ever so slightly. “I'm just not sure I could pull off that shimmer, though.”

“Of course you can!” Katherine says firmly. “You do it every night onstage.” She presses the dress into Jane’s arms. “C’mon, mum, try it on!”

“Well,” Jane hums, “I suppose there’s no harm in trying it.”

Katherine claps her hands in childish glee as Jane makes her way over to the tiny dressing room area.

Katherine can barely stand to wait as Jane changes into the gown. Finally she emerges, hair absentmindedly all swept to one side, shyly twisting her hands together. The gown hits her in all the right places, the dark material contrasting her skin and hair perfectly.

“Oh, mum,” Katherine breathes. “You look...beautiful.”

Jane looks into a mirror, eyes critically roaming over her reflection. She bites her lip nervously. “Are you sure?”

“I'm positive!” Katherine nods emphatically. “It’s perfect, truly, mum. You look amazing.”

Jane looks at herself in the mirror for a moment longer, hands resting on the fabric. “We’ll put it on the ‘maybe’ pile,” she finally says. “I don’t want to commit myself to the first dress I try on.” She can’t help but smile slightly shyly at Katherine in the mirror. “It is a very pretty dress, though, isn’t it?”

Katherine grins. “That’s going to be the one you leave with,” she announces, wagging a finger in Jane’s direction. “I'd put money down on that.”

Jane laughs at that, then retreats to the dressing room to change back into her street clothes. “Have you found anything for yourself, sweetheart?”

Katherine shakes her head. “I just don’t feel like any of these will look good on me,” Katherine admits in a low voice.

Jane frowns at this. “Of course they will, Kat, you’d look beautiful in any of these dresses. I promise you that, love.”

“I don’t know,” Katherine says doubtfully, skimming through another row of dresses. Jane emerges from the dressing room with her dress over one arm.

“Well, I do, love,” she says, gently but firmly. “I know whichever dress you choose will look stunning on you.” She pulls out a dress at random and displays it to Katherine.

“How about something like this?”

Katherine makes a face. “it’ll make people look at my shoulders. I hate my shoulders.”

“You hate your shoulders?” Jane blinks, thinking it a slightly strange thing to be self conscious about, but Katherine nods.

“They’re just too skinny and bony and awkward.” she shrugs slightly. She doesn’t quite meet Jane’s eyes and Jane can’t help but feel there was something more going on with Katherine than insecurity over shoulders, but she can’t work out what it is.

She sticks the dress back on the rack and pulls another one. “This one’s got sleeves, what do you think?”

Katherine shakes her head again.

“It’s two pieces.” she pauses. “I don’t want people seeing my stomach.”

Jane frowns deeper this time. what is Katherine so afraid of? She pulls a third dress. “This one?”

Katherine almost pales at the pick. “Definitely not. Too much...” She gestures in the vague direction of the bodice. “...Cleavage.”

Jane puts the dress back on the rack and turns to Katherine, concern in her eyes. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

Katherine shrugs. “Nothing’s the matter, I just don’t think those dresses will look good on me. that’s all.”

Jane studies her face for a few more moments, contemplating whether to push it or not. “Well, why don’t you try something on?” she says eventually. “Take your pick of any dress and we’ll see how it looks. Remember, there’s no harm in trying.”

Katherine knows she’s lying, and she also knows she can’t say no to Jane, not when she’s looking at her so gently and speaking so lovingly. She mumbles an affirmation and grabs a random dress before heading to the dressing room.

Jane waits expectantly for Katherine to emerge. The color wasn’t great, it definitely clashed with her hair, but everything else about the dress was stunning. “Kat, you look lovely, darling.”

“It’s fine,” Katherine says noncommittally. “It’s not like, awards show good, though.”

Jane sighs and gently puts her hands on Katherine’s shoulders, looking her in the eyes. “Sweetheart, something is definitely the matter. I'm your mother, I can tell these things,” she adds when Katherine opens her mouth to protest. “Come on, love, you can tell me anything. What’s on your mind?” Her gaze is full of honesty and love, trying to make Katherine comfortable enough to talk to her about whatever was bothering her.

Katherine shuffles back causally, breaking the contact with Jane, under the guise of returning to the mirror. “Nothing is wrong, mum,” she says, pretending to inspect the dress in the mirror. “I just don’t think it looks all that good, that’s all.”

There’s a tiny wobble in her voice that, a year ago, Jane wouldn’t have caught. She knows Katherine well enough by now to know that that wobble meant she was lying because she was hurting.

“Katherine, sweetheart,” Jane says quietly, approaching her from behind. She gently takes her hand and pulls her towards the dressing room. “Tell me what’s up, love.”

Katherine’s face, despite her efforts to keep it neutral, displays her internal struggle and Jane gives her hand a reassuring squeeze as she waits for Katherine to make up her mind.

“...It’s dumb,” Katherine finally says, voice small and quiet.

“What’s dumb?” Jane asks softly. her tone is free of judgement and she frowns, slightly concerned.

“The stuff I keep thinking about,” Katherine says vaguely. Jane cups her cheek gently and brushes her thumb along Katherine’s cheekbone.

“I promise you, no matter how ‘dumb’ you think it is, your feelings are important. I'm here for you, love, and I want to listen.”

Katherine squirms uncomfortably. “It’s just...” she fiddles with her hands as she tries to phrase her thoughts aloud. No matter what she says she’s going to sound dumb and pitiful like always.

“They always told me stuff was wrong with me.” She looks in the tall dressing room mirror. “I was too skinny, I didn’t have enough ‘up top’...,” her voice drops to the point where Jane could barely hear what she says next. “But they still wanted me.”

“Oh, Kat,” Jane breathes. “I'm sorry, love.” Her heart breaks for her daughter, standing there with her hands twisting awkwardly in front of her, staring at her own reflection.

“It’s more than that, really,” Katherine admits, voice still barely audible. “I want to look nice and pretty and wear a beautiful dress but... I also don’t want anybody to look at me how they used to.”

Jane feels a pit nestle deep in her stomach, wishing more than anything to banish all of the trauma and despair from Katherine’s life, but knowing she can’t. So she pulls Katherine into a light hug, pressing a long kiss to her temple. “Kat, honey,” she says quietly.

She feels Katherine shrug. “it’s whatever.”

“It’s not whatever, love.” Jane pulls back slightly. “I want you to be happy on your big night, so how can we do that?”

“We could always just dress me in a nun’s habit,” Katherine jokes weakly, but Jane raises an eyebrow.

“I'm serious, Kat. I promise I'll keep looking until we find something you’ll be comfortable in. How about something a little bit less form-fitting? There’s that style, I think people call it ‘vintage’ - even though the clothes are hardly more than fifty years old - it might be more what you’re looking for?”

Katherine doesn’t look hugely enthused, but she nods regardless. Jane frowns, however, eyes concerned.

“Love, I only want you to find something you’re happy with. You don’t need to agree with me just because you think it’s what I want to hear.” Jane pauses, then offers a tiny half-smile. “How about you take this gown off, and I'll go poke around for some ones you might like a little better, yeah?” Katherine nods stiffly. Jane leans in and gently kisses her cheek. “I'll be back in a few minutes, love.”

Jane leaves the dressing room with a hazy idea of what she was looking for. She just wants Kat to feel happy and confident on her big night.

In Jane’s eyes, it’s the least she can do for her daughter.

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#six the musical #katherine howard #jane seymour #julie and jess write #things are shaping up to be pretty odd

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