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andreabandrea · 6 years

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Rainbow After the Storm

Words: 4456 Fandom: Doki Doki Literature Club Pairing: Sayori/Monika Rating: T Additional Tags: Fluff, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Not Canon Compliant, Sleepovers, Rain, Love Confessions, Groping, Depression, Cute Summary: Monika invites Sayori over for a sleepover on the night of a massive rainstorm. The two girls find comfort, and something more, in one another. A/N: Commission for @sciencegenius! Thank you for commissioning me!

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Sayori arrived at Monika's apartment just as the storm clouds started rumbling overhead. She hesitated outside the door and tried to convince herself again that it would be okay.

As soon as she raised her fist to knock, Monika opened the door, as if she had been waiting. She pulled the other girl into a hug. "Sayori, I'm really glad you could come over tonight!"

Too close. When she was this close, she drowned in Monika’s hair, a river of curls and strawberry shampo. Her cheek pressed against Sayori's own felt extremely smooth, as if she had a dedicated skincare routine. Monika's beauty was on another level-- not like Sayori's own Daiso 100 Yen store shampoo or her clammy face that she just washed with hand soap.

"Y-yeah, me too," Sayori said, not sure where to put her hands. She settled on patting the other girl's back. "Can I come inside?"

"Oh! Of course!" Monika said, pulling back. She stepped aside and held out an arm, as if welcoming in an esteemed guest. Sayori looked down at her ratty sneakers as she toed them off and nudged them near the door. Was Monika making fun of her? "You can place down your overnight bag in my room. I thought we could have some tea in the kitchen afterward."

"Sure," Sayori said, putting on a smile. Thank goodness Monika was such a leader; she always knew what to do.

Monika led Sayori to her bedroom and gently opened the door. Sayori expected the room to reflect Monika's own beauty-- perhaps wall-to-wall plush carpet, or a queen-sized canopy bed. But, to her surprise, it was rather plain. Her eyes trailed from a dresser with a few candles on top, to a vanity littered with combs and scrunchies, to a small Japanese-style tatami mat in the corner of the room. Against the wall rested a simple futon.

Sayori put her bag down on the floor. "Wow, it's not what I expected at all," she said, feeling dumb as soon as the words left her mouth.

"I don't spend a lot of time here," Monika said. "I'm almost always at school. It's a busy life, you know?"

"Yeah," Sayori said, not knowing at all. Her ritual at the end of the day was to slide everything off her desk into her backpack in a heap, go home, and collapse face first on her bed, still in her shoes and all. "I get it."

"So!" Monika clasped her hands together. "I thought I would prepare a soothing chamomile tea with a touch of honey. I don't know about you, but thunderstorms tend to make me nervous."

As much as Sayori wanted to follow up on that- Monika, scared of something?- the other girl took her hand and led her to the kitchen. Fortunately, she busied herself making tea so she didn't notice Sayori's burning red face. "You can take a seat at the kitchen table."

She did, watching Monika work. Every move she made was deliberate, graceful, as if she were constantly figure skating. Sayori didn't know how she could ever compare. Her own lips were chapped and Monika's looked plump and soft; her own lashes were thin and Monika's were full; her own figure was nothing special and Monika's was curvaceous. Never had Sayori needed anyone else's help to feel inadequate, but around Monika, it was just so easy. Embarrassment festered inside her like a poison.

"You... uh..." Sayori struggled, trying to think something to talk about. Even if she felt inadequate, Monika was her friend. She didn't want the other girl to think she was a freak. "Do you live alone here? I don't see any pictures of family or anything."

"Good eye," Monika said, her back still turned. Steam began to rise from the kettle. "My parents are on a business trip overseas this year. This apartment is one I'm renting on my own."

"Wow! That sounds... really tough. I can't even keep my room clean," Sayori laughed. It sounded weak in her own ears.

Monika gave a tight-lipped smile. "Like I said, there's not much here to clean. I'm rarely home."

"Oh... yeah." She wanted to crawl into a hole and die. "Still... don't you miss your parents?"

"Not really." As she spoke, she pulled the kettle off the stovetop. "Strange as it is, I feel as if I hardly know them."

"You hardly know them?"

"It's as if... I have few memories of them at all," Monika said, smiling. It didn't meet her eyes. "Here. Our tea."

Sayori thanked her as Monika placed a teacup down and poured some tea into it. The soothing aroma filled the small apartment, but only for a moment's time. Until now, Sayori thought she'd been just imagining a draft, but now she noticed the steam escaping into multiple cracks in the walls and doors.

As soon as Monika sat down, the rain outside began to pour without any warning. sheets of rain battered the cheap windows, thunder booming in the sky. Monika tightened her grip on her teacup, looking straight ahead at Sayori. If she wanted her to say something, Sayori had no clue what.

"I kinda like thunderstorms," Sayori said, trying to smile. "It's just kinda... soothing, you know? Listening to the sounds?"

"I didn't know that about you," Monika said. "I feel like there's a lot I don't know about you."

Although it sounded suspicious, Monika's softening features seemed to indicate otherwise. "There's not a whole lot to know!" Sayori said, a little too excited, her nerves catching up with her. "I'm nothing too special."

"I wouldn't say that." Monika rested her chin on her hands. "I chose tonight to invite you over because I think you're special."

"Huh? Special?" Sayori said, short-circuiting. "Special how?"

"Well… I thought you'd be able to calm me down. You're always so cheerful. I admire that." Monika visibly flinched as a loud clap of thunder echoed in the night sky.

So that's what Monika liked about her. To think that it was a desperate act to cheer herself up. She couldn't quite say it worked, but if it helped Monika, that might be good enough. "Thanks," she said, her voice coming out a whisper.

"I didn't explain myself before, about why storms make me nervous," Monika said. She cast a forlorn look at the window. "I always feel like I'm in control of my life, I suppose. Whenever there's a strong storm like this, though, I feel... helpless. Like it could just sweep me away in an instant." She tried again to smile. "One of my first memories is being alone in a dark place. The power must have cut out, since I couldn't see anything. I think it must have been because of a storm… I just remember there was chaos all around me. I remember I thought: why doesn't my mom or dad come help me? Why am I all alone?"

She finished her story with a misplaced giggle. "Maybe that's why I surround myself with people now. I always want to be with someone else, because when I'm totally alone, it's... oddly frightening."

Sayori couldn't stop herself from reaching across the table, but both of Monika's hands were occupied holding up her chin. She struggled for a moment and decided to just rest her hand nearby. "Well, you aren't alone, right? You're really popular. You've got lots of friends at school. You've got the Literature Club. And, uh..."

"And I have you?" Monika said. As she spoke, she moved one of her hands and placed it on top of Sayori's.

"Y-y--" Sayori sputtered. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Monika's smile met her eyes this time. "There's something I wanted to tell you."

Her heart pounding in her ears muffled the other girl’s voice. Sayori couldn’t explain her own nerves. Monika just said that she was important to her. They were friends. There was no reason to still feel inadequate or jealous or whatever it was-- like there were a million butterflies in her stomach. Thunder crashed around them, and Sayori's breathing hitched, her heartbeat reaching a fever pitch--

Then she was gone. Everything was gone, and Sayori was nowhere. She knocked something over on the table and heard a clatter. Her foot kicked the leg of the table. Was she still somewhere? She could still smell chamomile and sugar and strawberry. She could still hear the rain pouring down.

And then, Monika's grip on her hand tightened, and that assured her more than any of her other senses had. "It's… it’s okay. It looks like we lost power. This is an old building."

Sayori forced herself to calm down. Of course that made sense; they had just lost power. Yet for one moment, she felt as if she were floating through empty space. "It's okay! We're gonna be okay!" she said, squeezing Monika's hand. The other girl must be so scared right now. The thought forced its way through her embarrassment and took priority in her mind. "I saw some candles in your room! We can light them so we can see! I'll trace along the walls 'til I find them!"

"There should be matches in the kitchen's junk drawer. I'll get them out," Monika said. Even if she were scared, she kept her voice even. "Could you please bring the candles back here?"

"Yeah! I will! I totally will!" Sayori said. She stood up with a purpose and immediately fell on her face. It took a moment to process that the tea must have spilled when she knocked over her glass. "Be careful!" she warned, from the floor. "It's slippery!"

Monika laughed-- but it wasn't an ugly sound, a mocking laugh that everyone always gave her when she tripped or did something stupid. It was a gentle sound, like a Summer breeze. "You be careful as well. I'm counting on you."

The thought spurred her on. She climbed back to her feet and soon found the corner of the kitchen. She felt her way along the wall until coming to a doorframe. If memory served, this was Monika’s room.

Pushing open the bedroom door, Sayori continued feeling along the wall until reaching the dresser and picked the candles up off top. She returned to the kitchen, remembering too late that the table was in the middle of the room. What if she slipped again and threw the candles everywhere like an idiot? Monika was counting on her.

Placing all the candles in one hand, Sayori held out her other to feel her way through the dark, placing one foot carefully in front of the other. She would surely feel the table or a chair before she ran right into it. To her surprise, her hand ran into something warm and soft. It didn't give way to her hand, but rather squished in her grip, kind of like a water balloon. The texture felt like cloth on top. It certainly wasn't a table, and did it always smell so much like strawberry in here?

Sayori nearly shrieked when Monika's voice rang out not an inch from her face. "That's my boob."

"I- I'm so sorry!" Sayori said, pulling her hand back as if she'd touched a hot stove. She could still feel how soft her breast had been, though. It had been oddly nice. "I'm so sorry I'm super sorry really sorry!"

"Did you find the candles?"

"Yes I did find them they're right here I'm sorry!" Sayori said, shoving them into Monika's hands.

Several rhythmic knocking sounds occurred-- she must have placed them on the table. A sudden sharp sound, and then Monika's face appeared in a glow. She held the match in front of her, bathing her in orange. "Here we go!" Monika said. "Are you okay, Sayori? Your face looks really red?"

She coughed as Monika lit each candle. "Maybe I'm just... kinda cold!"

"Oh, I’m actually kind of cold too. I imagine the heater must have turned off along with the lights," Monika said. "We should get some blankets."

"There's some in your room, and I had one in my overnight bag, along with my PJ's." No sooner than the words left her mouth did Sayori regret saying them. Pajamas? How childish. Monika probably slept in a nightgown, knowing her elegance. Or perhaps she wore lingerie to sleep, or perhaps she even slept nude. She forced the thought out of her mind, turning even redder. "I'll take a candle! I can go change in the bathroom! They're warm PJ's so I'll be okay!"

"I'll put on my pajamas in my room, then," Monika said, taking a candle and handing another to Sayori.

So she wore pajamas as well. Sayori took the candle, grabbed her overnight bag, and shut herself in the bathroom, finally letting herself exhale. She had no idea how long this charade would keep up, of her acting like a good friend. Why was she still feeling like this, so jealous and upset? Was it just who she was as a person?

She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, hating every part of herself. 'Cheerful'. What a joke. She stripped off her clothes, leaving herself in her bra and panties. If she peeled off her skin, too, there would be nothing underneath but a rotten black core of anger and sadness and envy. Saying that she was nothing was too high of a compliment. She was less than nothing, hateful scum that had no right making a friend like Monika.

"Are you okay in there?" rang out the other girl's voice.

"One second!" she said. Sayori cursed herself, hurriedly pulling on her pink pajamas. She hurried to do the buttons on the top and adjusted the matching pants. Throwing her old clothes into her overnight bag, she carried everything back to Monika’s room.

The door was open. Inside, Monika sat cross-legged on her futon with a massive t-shirt draped over her body. It fit her like a dress, reaching down to her knees. She'd also let her hair loose, long locks of brown cascading down her back. The candles illuminated the room. Sayori put her candle down and pulled out her old blanket. It was a ratty plush thing she'd owned since childhood. She felt flustered just showing it, but something about it caused her to always calm down. She wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling it closed around her chest.

"It gets really cold in here at night without the heater," Monika said. "It might be better if we shared our blankets."

"G-good idea!" Sayori said. She sat across from Monika and rested the plush blanket over both their legs, leaving their upper bodies uncovered.

"We'll still be cold with this. Come sit next to me." She patted the space next to her.

"There's... um..." Sayori’s heart threatened to burst from her chest again. "There's not a lot of space over there... maybe I'll get my spare futon and I'll-- ah!" Sayori yelped as she reached for her overnight bag. "I just realized! I forgot it at home!" she said. She was so used to having an actual bed that she forgot to get the futon out of the closet.

"It will be impossible for you to go back for it, now," Monika said. A flash of lightning punctuated her sentence, revealing for a split second a strange look in the girl's eye. Longing? "Please, come over here. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I can... I can go sleep on the couch! You can take my blanket! I'm kinda cold resistant so it'll be okay! Or I can put a cushion on top of myself or something to keep me warm!" she babbled, having no idea what the hell she was saying.

"Sayori."

"Huh? What? Yeah?"

"Do you not want to sit with me?" Monika said. A sense of hurt crept into her tone.

"No!" Sayori said. "I mean, yes! I mean, no?" She paused, trying to collect herself. "I do wanna sit with you! But I don't think you should... want me to or anything."

"Why not?"

"Well... I'm... gross?" Sayori said. "I dunno why you invited me over." Hearing nothing from Monika, she continued: "I mean, I'm gawky and weird-looking and I must smell bad and... it's not something to be upset over! That's just how it is, I'm used to it, so..." She gave an awkward laugh.

"Sayori."

"Monika?"

"Youre not any of those things," Monika said. "How can you think that about yourself? You're beautiful, sweet, funny, amazing... you're someone I'm proud to know. You make me feel happy and calm. That's why I invited you over."

"But I--"

"No more buts. Come here." She patted the space next to her.

Sayori sat next to her. Monika wrapped the blanket around both their shoulders, then placed another one over their legs. A draft still managed to chill them both. Monika scooted closer and rested her head on Sayori's shoulder. "There. Doesn't that feel better?"

"Y-yeah," Sayori said. She did feel incredibly warm, especially inside her chest. "Well... thanks."

"I want to know why you talk about yourself like that," Monika said. "I don't see you that way at all. Are you just used to thinking like that?"

"It's nothing." Monika turned her head, giving her a harsh glare. "I mean, it's not like I'm not used to it, so… it’s okay!"

No matter how brightly she smiled, Monika saw right through it. "How can you be used to treating yourself that way? Isn't that painful?"

"I mean... the sky must get used to storm clouds, right?" Sayori said. "It's not like the sky can do anything to stop them. It's just part of life. That's how I feel, too."

"And how often do you feel like there are storm clouds in your sky, Sayori?"

It caught her off-guard. She didn't know. At this point, it felt hard to separate herself from the depression. It was the weight of her body, insurmountable when she tried to get up in the morning; it was the throbbing in her skull, trying to claw its way out when she tried to focus in class; it was the hollowness of her stomach, rejecting anything she tried to eat. It seemed just as much a part of life. Monika was the sun, a radiant star that gave its all to everyone else. And she was just the clouds that got in the way, the ones nobody wanted to see, full of raindrops that she had become too numb to let fall.

After a few moments of silence, Monika wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry."

"Eh? Why?" Sayori said.

"Whenever I see a problem, I want to solve it. It's just kind of how I am... I can't rest until I've done something. That’s why I’m forcing you to talk about something you aren’t comfortable with," Monika said. "I apologize. I wish I could just take it all away. It feels like I should be able to just reach into the sky and tear those clouds down. But I can't. I'm just... helpless."

"It's not something that you could solve all by yourself," Sayori said. "You don't need to care about me."

"But I do!" she snapped. Sayori flinched. "Sorry, just... I do care about you, Sayori. I care a lot. That's why I want to help. So even if getting it off your chest would help, I'll listen. Or if you want it to be quiet, that's okay, too."

She thought for a moment. It wasn't often that the sun reached down to the lowly clouds. But maybe that assumption was wrong to begin with. Maybe Monika, too, was bound by the limits of the sky. Maybe she was just a girl, shivering not from the cold, but from fright every time thunder boomed.

"I just... kinda feel useless and crappy," Sayori said. It felt vulnerable, like someone had opened up her chest and left her heart exposed. "Sometimes, I just feel so alone it hurts. It's like... do you ever feel like everyone else in the world has a place?" She looked over to the other girl, whose eyes urged her on. "Like everyone else isn't 'real' in the same way you're real? It's like their lives were destined for them to be happy and you just know too much, and you know things don't just get better, and you wish you could forget everything?"

"I feel that way all the time," Monika said. "It must sound hypocritical, right? Even when I'm in a crowd of people, I wind up feeling lonesome." She gave a small smile. "Sometimes, poetry helps. I just need to get it out, you know? Like, if my bad feelings are a storm, I just gotta let it all rain."

The only sounds were the raindrops battering the window and both of their breathing.

The words came slowly but surely until she spoke in a steady tone, the way the first raindrops fall before the deluge. Normally, Sayori wrote her poems, but this one just sprang free:

“ The rainbow is beautiful only just out of reach / Beyond us on the ground, rooted in the mud / Raising umbrellas, boarding windows / Color only in our eyes /

“ So she stays in the sky / Behind the grey she doesn’t know / For the day the Earth is embraced / Each color would have a cage”

When it was all done, she felt exhausted, drained, grey. But Monika's smile lit up the room. "That was amazing, Sayori."

"It... it was dumb, I know. It just kinda came out," Sayori said.

"It wasn't dumb. It was beautiful." When Sayori looked over, she realized Monika's eyes were watery. "That's... that's why I like you, Sayori."

It felt as if the world stood still, as if the rain stopped all at once. Even both of them held their breath in surprise. Sayori's face was burning red again, and this time Monika was looking right at her, trying to gauge her reaction. "Wh-what?" Sayori said.

So it was a joke, wasn't it? A mean prank? Who would like her?

"If you're grossed out... the rain's letting up. You could leave," Monika said, pulling her head off Sayori's shoulder. The lack of warmth where it had been was coldest of all. "I... I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know... and all this. I wanted to just kinda pretend that you were mine, just for a bit."

She inched away, a sharp chill wafting its way in between them. "I sincerely apologize," Monika stammered, seeming more unsure than she ever had.

For Sayori, though, it had finally clicked. It was why she felt nervous even when she was calm. It was why she was embarrassed even when it wasn't about her own inadequacy. It was why she felt so happy when Monika touched her hand or sat close to her. She didn't think it was possible for her to feel this way, but now it was overwhelmingly obvious. She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to do. It was a risk, and maybe it would be awkward.

But for once, her skies were clear.

Sayori cupped Monika's chin and turned her head toward her, then closed the distance between them, smooshing her lips against Monika's. It was an unorthodox first kiss, but at the same time it was just right. The other girl's lips were just as soft as she thought they would be. Monika placed a hand on the back of Sayori's head, fingers running through her hair, holding her in place. For as confident as Monika seemed to be, she was just as inexperienced, fumbling just as much as Sayori was.

They only pulled back for air, still resting their foreheads against one another. "I like you, too," Sayori said.

"I can tell," Monika hummed.

"Do you... do you wanna do that again?" Sayori asked.

"Yes. I really do."

"Okay. Yeah. Me too," Sayori mumbled, still unable to believe this was happening. But Monika just giggled like it was the cutest thing in the world and shut her up by kissing her again. Sayori couldn't tell if the rain truly had stopped or if the two of them had slipped into their own reality, a world that belonged to just the two of them. Whatever it was, it felt like sparks flew every time Monika kissed her and she left the lingering taste of honey on her lips.

Her hands hung limply by her sides. The girls pulled back again. "You can... touch me again, if you want to," Monika said.

"Huh?"

"Like you did in the dark," Monika said, sounding uncertain.

"O-oh," Sayori said. Monika took her hand and led it to her chest. She smiled as if having it there completed her, as if she'd been a puzzle missing a piece.

"My heart's beating really hard right now. Can you feel it?"

"Yeah, I can," Sayori said. She took Monika's hand, trembling, and placed it on her own chest. "Can... can you feel mine?"

"Wow... yours is going even faster.”

"This is the first time I've kissed anyone... especially a much prettier girl," Sayori said.

"Me, too.” Monika smiled, looking nowhere but at the other girl. “Except I think you're the prettier one.”

"I don't know if I believe that, still." Sayori looked away. "Sorry... I'm probably not gonna feel all better at once."

"I know. But I still want to be with you," Monika said. "I want us both to try to get better, together. I mean... we felt each others' heartbeats, right? That means we're both real. So when the storm clouds show up and we feel alone, like nobody else out there is real... we'll just remember this moment."

Sayori smiled-- fully this time, showing her dimples. "If it's okay with you, then... I'm really happy to be your girlfriend."

"I am, too," Monika said, smiling as well.

The next parts happened without need to communicate, the way a rainbow forms without speaking to the clouds. The storm had stopped but the power hadn't returned. Monika blew out the candles and laid down on the futon; Sayori laid down next to her, cuddled close so they could both fit.

Without any light, she couldn't see her girlfriend, but she could feel her-- she was there, she was real, and she liked her back. It still felt so overwhelming, but so long as they were together, Sayori was more than happy to take it one day at a time. The two fell asleep in one another's arms, in a mess of blankets and hair, not knowing where one ended and the other began-- and neither minded at all.

#doki doki literature club #sayori #monika #moniyori #sayonika #ddlc #ddlc sayori #ddlc monika #fic #cute #my first ddlc fic!

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