#my strategy on leveling/builds is 'do fuck all' so you can see im really just not taking it seriously asldkfjah

[elegyofthemoon]

hey honkai mutuals do they ever explain the connection between previous era sakura and the sakura in yae village or is that just a fun little coincidence left unexplained

#snow plays hi3 #i was just realizing midway through tagging the last post i was like wAIT A SECOND DO THEY EVER EXPLAIN THAT? #i wouldnt know i stopped playing after ch 12 (i will get back to it im just busy.) #anyways i really like sakura :( #also idk i think its sad thinking about how previous era sakura had to watch her sister get possessed by the herrscher and then yae village #sakura gets possessed by a herrscher and sealed in a cube #can this girl catch a break? just let her go enjoy a picnic under the sakura tree jfc #but anyways. #im having a good time with hi3 its just im stuck LMAO #NOT FOR LEVELING PURPOSES. JUST BUSY. #my strategy on leveling/builds is 'do fuck all' so you can see im really just not taking it seriously asldkfjah #is it kicking my ass? yeah but WE PRESS ON #also you can spoil me on further context as to how or whatever idm #i feel like the question itself is basically asking for spoilers anyways but you know. #(squints. the way that the last time i talked about hi3 was also about ch 12. i seem to be....on loop in ch 12 lmao)

[svpnap]

I had an idea like sapnap xfem! Reader where sapnap gets really frustrated ab loosing mcc and the reader clams him down you can interpret it how you want Idm what genre ;)) thanks b

I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR SAPNAP FLUFF. thank you for the requests I love domestic things like this <3 !!

listen.

(sapnap x reader)

(cw: literally just straight fluff, no pronoun use.)

you’d been longing to get paired with sapnap for an mcc ever since scott added you to the game. you enjoyed hearing his voice and knew that the sound of it would only drive you to play your best. you enjoyed listening to him strategize and order people around, the sweet sound sending butterflies through your stomach.

the next game was build mart; the exact one that your team had hoped to avoid. it was by far your worst game, and definitely sapnap’s too. you could feel the energy within the call shift as the game was announced, everyone’s tone suddenly becoming much dryer and serious.

you team played the best game they could’ve, but the lack of coins earned sent the group of you from 2nd to 5th.

you bit back the annoyance, wanting to distract yourself in the likes of sapnap’s voice, but upon hearing his silence, you averted your eyes to your chat.

as much as you loved mcc, you didn’t take it as seriously as sapnap did. of course you tried your best during the game, but he was much more competitive than you; always trying to prove himself on top.

and this mcc was particularly important for the boy, as he was silently trying to carry you to your first win. you were a new player, only having been in 2 previous games, so you’d yet to experience a win.

“so fucking stupid.” he mumbled breaking his silence. you could hear the true annoyance in the tone of his voice.

“we should’ve fucking placed higher than that— we completed 4 builds. were the other teams cheating or something I mean come on?” he continued to ramble.

his rant about his strategy not working continued to run on, his voice growing louder as he explained that it worked for fruitberries’s team, but not his.

you bit back your words, deciding to save them for a private call. you knew if anyone could get to him it would be you, & now, during the halfway break was the perfect time.

you shot him a discord message reading, that simply read, “vc 2.” he’d never left a voice channel faster, hoping he could privately rant you to.

as soon as you joined him, you were met with annoyed grumbling about removing build mart from the game.

you waited a few moments, allowing him to get it all out of his system before speaking up.

“sap— you did you best you could. I know it means a lot to you, but we can come back from this. there’s no point in dwelling on it now.”

your voice instantly calmed him, as if some force of magic. he felt his muscles loosen and his breathing slow. he wasn’t sure why you were able to affect him in such a manner, but it’s what he needed most.

“I know, I just. . wanted to get you your first win.” he was almost embarrassed to admit it. warmth washed over you.

he was a hot head, there was no denying it, so there were still hints of anger lingering in his voice.

“we can still get me my first win, but you gotta chill out and focus.” you continued to try and level him.

silence fell from the other side of the call, as if he were soaking up the sound of your voice; every consonant, every vowel.

“I know it’s just so frustrating, we were doing so well.” he mumbled, less angrily than before.

“im proud of you— you helped us to 2nd and we can get back there again. these games are worth more, you just gotta listen to me and focus, okay?”

your tone was gentle, your chat running a million miles a minute with “aw’s.”

you heard a sigh release from between his lips, listening as he stretched out his once tense muscles.

“okay. I can focus just, keep talking please.” he wanted to hear your voice, almost as much as you wanted to hear his. he basked in the tone of it. it was all he needed.

the two of you rejoined you team’s call, immediately going into the next game with regained hope. all you needed was to hear each other, the pair of you making sure the call was never silent.

and your chat definitely didn’t miss the blush on your cheeks each time sapnap cheered you on. it was an embarrassing feeling that sapnap would tease you about later, but for now you just enjoyed the feeling he brought you & the feeling of you team’s much deserved win.

#mcyt imagine #mcyt x reader #mcyt fluff #dsmp imagine #dsmp x reader #dsmp fluff #sapnap imagine #sapnap x reader #sapnap fluff

[oikawaplssteponme]

PART 2 | previously: part 1 | masterlist

pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem! reader

ratings/warnings: swearing, violence, mention of blood

synopsis: When UA’s hot heads, Katsuki Bakugou and you, are forced to put your hatred for each other aside and plan the third year Prom, things end up getting a little heated...

a/n: hi hi❤️ i hope you all are doing well! this part is more fight scene style so it was a little harder to write since im not used to writing fight scenes but i hope it turned out okay :) taglist is open so just lmk if you’d like to be added :)) enjoy xx

•

two: a good team

You stared at the projection, hoping that it was just a figment of your imagination and that your name wasn’t actually next to Bakugou’s.

“Uh Mr. Aizawa, don’t you think Y/N and Bakugou should be split up? They might blow up the whole training course,” said Denki.

“I agree with Charge Bolt over here. I would respectfully like to request a partner change,” you smiled, raising your hand.

“I’d rather go with Deku than you…” muttered Bakugou.

“Ouch Kacchan.”

“Teams are final, no one is switching,” said Aizawa firmly, “besides, you two need to learn how to work with each other eventually.”

You rolled your eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Great…”

“The villain team can go and head inside. You’ll have 5 minutes until the heroes go inside,” explained Aizawa. Deku and Todoroki ran inside the training ground as you and Bakugou waited on the other side.

“You better not get in my way,” Bakugou muttered.

“We need a plan idiot. If Todoroki freezes us we’ll be screwed,” you said.

“Fine. I’ll take out Deku and Icyhot and you grab the hostage.”

“That is not at all what I was talking about. Remember we have to immobilize them before grabbing the hostage. No way you could take out both of them at the same time.”

“HUH? You’re doubting me?”

“I’m being realistic. As much as I’d rather be kicking your ass right now, we have to work together on this.”

Bakugou sighed.

Finally, the buzzer rang, allowing you and Bakugou entrance into the training ground. This being newly constructed, you had no idea what to expect.

“What the…” your voice trailed off as you looked around the facility. There were multiple small buildings, simulating a city setting. In the middle of it all there was a building bigger than the rest. At the very top, there hung the ‘hostage’ tied up over the edge. You could see another person up there, but couldn’t tell who it is.

“Okay listen, whoever is up there with the hostage is probably Deku, because he’s better with one on one fights. I’m assuming Todoroki is hidden in the lower levels of the building to stop us from getting up to the roof. He'll probably do a surprise ice attack and freeze our feet,” you explained.

You looked over at Bakugou, who was just staring up at the building.

“Hey explosion boy, did you listen to anything I just said?” You asked, poking his arm.

“I’ll fly up, take the hostage, then deal with Deku. You have fun with Icyhot,” he said, beginning to fire up his hands. You shook your head.

“Oh my god do you ever listen? Fine go,” you huffed.

Bakugou didn’t hesitate a second to start blasting his explosions to carry himself up.

Once he was in the air, you began to run towards the lower level of the building. You quieted your feet as you got closer to the opened door. You decided to create a small explosion, just big enough to detect whether or not Shoto was hidden as you suspected. You began to generate heat waves and nitrogen atoms, pressing your hands together to create fusion. Once the atoms were fused together, you threw it inside.

*BOOM*

Perfect. Once you heard that sweet sound you creeped inside. Your mini explosion blew a large hole in the walls that surrounded you. You felt the air get colder, signaling that Shoto was most likely near. Being against someone with a colder quirk was definitely a conflict for you. You tried to follow the colder air, as your suit warned you of your body heat lowering.

“Of course it had to be ice…” you mumbled.

“Ice isn’t all bad,” a voice said. You jumped and saw Todoroki emerge from the leftover smoke of your explosion.

“Really half-and-half? I’m more of a fire girl myself. You should use that sweet left side of yours instead,” you smiled.

Of course he wouldn’t fall for it. He knew damn well that if your body got too cold, your quirk would turn timid.

“No thanks.”

Todoroki shot out large slabs of ice towards you in an attempt to keep you contained. Lucky for you though, you saw it coming and dodged the other way. As a counter attack to Shoto’s ice, you threw another small nitrogen explosion towards him. The ice chucks flew up, leaving a scratch on Shoto’s face.

“Shit-” he mumbled. Shoto continued to shoot ice at you but you kept on sending small explosions towards him. As the temperatures lowered, so did your explosive powers.

“You should really use a variety of moves, Shoto. Ice gets old pretty easily,” you teased. Your strategy was to wear him out before you.

“Oh really?” Shoto placed his hands on the floor.

Shit that’s exactly what I didn’t want him to do.

You jumped up just as the ice would have covered your feet. But now you were having to stand in the slippery ice. Suddenly, you had an idea.

You began creating hydrogen atoms in both hands, using the last of your stored heat to bond them. Shoto continued to throw ice daggers your way, causing you to multitask. Once your bonds were built to your desiring, you executed your plan.

“Jokes on you Shoto, I actually like the cold.” From the distance that Todoroki was standing from the wall, you needed to throw your explosions far enough away from him so you don’t permanently injure him. Shoto threw one last ice slab towards you and you threw your two bonds on both sides of him.

*BOOM*

As the smoke cleared, you saw that you had busted the walls down.

Well we’ll definitely get points off for that.

You felt a sharp pain in your bicep and saw that there was a piece of ice stuck between your skin.

Fuck that hurts.

You ripped the ice chunk out of your arm and threw it on the floor. The cut began to bleed but you ignored it. It was the least of your worries right now.

You waved away the smoke and tried to find Todoroki. He laid on his back, covered in debris.

“Sorry Shoto, you should’ve used fire like I said.”

You attached the makeshift handcuffs to the almost passed out Todoroki.

“Excuse me but I’ve gotta go deal with that idiot Bakugou now.”

~

You rushed up the stairs to get onto the roof. Once outside, you were relieved to be in the sunshine again. You looked around and saw Deku and Bakugou fighting. The roof was destroyed from Bakugou’s explosions. Deku must have given him a tougher time than expected. Deku had Bakugou pinned onto the ground.

“Wow Bakugou, I take out Todoroki and you still haven’t caught Miydoria? Amateur work,” you laughed.

“NOT THE TIME MS. ATOMIC OKAY!” huffed Bakugou.

“Ha, guess I’ll have to just save your ass. Sorry about this Deku.”

You charged over to Deku and Bakugou. You hit Deku with a tiny explosion on his side. Now that you were in a warmer atmosphere, your construction time was almost instantaneous. Deku flew off of Katsuki leaving both of you with the upper hand. Deku stood up, sparking green.

“Don’t be sorry for me Y/N.” Deku ran towards you, yelling his signature phrase and punched you in the stomach. You collapsed onto the ground.

“You little shit-” you groaned.

That’s definitely gonna leave a bruise.

Bakugou went back to fighting Izuku as you caught your breath.

“Y/N GET OVER HERE!” shouted Bakugou.

You stumbled onto your feet and began generating another explosion, bigger than your last ones. You had another idea and hoped Bakugou would go along with it. You ran over to Bakugou, jumped onto his shoulders, and threw your bond towards the ground as Bakugou used his explosions to fly you both away from the debris. Deku went tumbling across the roof.

Once the smoke had cleared and you saw that Deku wasn’t getting back up, you knew the two of you had won. Bakugou set the both of you down and you hopped off of him.

“Uh, you handcuff Deku and I’ll untie the hostage,” you said. Bakugou nodded. You unhooked the hostage from the ledge and threw it over your shoulder.

“Hero team wins. Nice job. I’ll get Recovery Girl…” called Aizawa from the loud speaker. You looked over at a collapsed Deku.

“Told you,” you smirked.

~

You and Bakugou made your way down the building to the rest of your classmates as they waited outside the gate.

“WOW great job guys!” cheered Kirishima.

“How did you know to get on Bakugou’s shoulders Y/N?” asked Denki. Your face went warm.

“Uh just out of instinct duh. I’m surprised that whole trick even worked,” you replied nervously.

“Yeah well if it weren’t for me it wouldn’t have,” said Bakugou. You rolled your eyes.

“You two actually make a pretty good team,” smiled Kirishima.

“Shut up,” said you and Bakugou, at the same time. Yours and Bakugou’s eyes widened at each other.

“Oh so now you’re copying me, dumbass?” growled Bakugou.

“I SAID IT FIRST, IDIOT!” You huffed.

“It’s like they’re the same person…” whispered Uraraka.

“SHUT UP!”

•

[taglist OPEN: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @bokutory @complimentaryhugsgirl @cloudswritings @kriswu46 @neodnyl @evivn1 @jazzylove @mileven-reddie @whalerus @misssugarless @random-fandom-girl-24 @fanfiction-and-stress @ushiwakatrash @minhoswife ]

#willow.🌸 #my hero academia #bakugou x you #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugou x y/n #bakugo x y/n #katsuki bakugō #mha katsuki #bakugou katuski x reader #bnha katsuki x reader #bnha bakugo katsuki #hot heads.🌸

[ishouldnotbhere]

the build-up of barou’s king moment 😩 i know it’s just around the corner aaaaaa and how amazing of aiku’s flow to be activated by everyone’s individual plays and (almost) flow moments?? captain ought to show off before blue lock ends them (?) CANT WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK

AAAAAAH IKR omg I love how Barou just does not give a flying fuck what people think! Somehow I wish we could see the midfielders’ and strikers’ (Sae’s and Shidou’s) reactions to Blue Lock’s offenses??!

It’s weird because you would think Barou and Shidou would be similar in terms of their unpredictability and spontaneity, but Barou’s behavior actually seems to somehow contrast Shidou’s. Compared to how blatantly Barou barrels through others, dismisses their presences, and ignores their contributions to the team play, Shidou, weirdly enough, is much more… cooperative. It’s incomprehensible to even conceive of Shidou as a collaborative dude, but there’s evidence to demonstrate it. He butts heads with Rin, who is unwilling to acknowledge Isagi’s quick thinking on the field, because unlike Rin, Shidou truly enjoys good soccer. Unlike the others, who all have their own motives unrelated to soccer (Reo’s attachment to Nagi, Rin’s desire to outmatch his brother, even Kunigami’s goal to be a “hero”, etc.), Shidou’s interest is decidedly pure. Untainted. It’s just fundamentally, unabashedly, soccer. He loves the game fiercely. That’s all the reason he needs to play it.

Shidou just expresses his passion in a crude way (the whole “seed” and “womb” and “breeding” analogy). And yeah, it’s fucking weird, but it just goes to show Shidou basks in soccer at its core—a team-based sport in which the greater the individual talent, the more vibrant the outcome. And Shidou loves that. He acknowledges teammates who bring that dynamism to the game, who invigorate it, and it excites him even more to integrate it. His sexuality is soccer basically, lmao. I see him as the kind of person who’s willing to date anyone of any gender as long they’re good (as per his standards) at the sport. It’s why he’s more than happy to give Isagi the spotlight, back when he was in Blue Lock. It’s why he plays synergistically with Sae, and lets Sae take the lead, because he greatly admires Sae’s strategy and ability. Shidou really is quite animalistic and childlike in nature, but not in a bad way. His basest instincts are grounded in soccer. All someone needs to do is ignite or peak his curiosity, and he’ll be all over them.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched Hunter x Hunter, but Shidou sort of reminds me of Gon. Gon gets a lot of bad rep from the fandom, but what people forget is that Gon was literally just a child raised in isolation from the rest of the world. So his overtly extreme, violent reactions to traumatic events stems from the fact that his undeveloped, childhood insecurities, which had yet to mature, were now buttressed by incredible power that no child could understand, manage, or even ought to have. In the same way, Gon’s immediate attachment to new friends who match his level of talent arises from an essential lack of familial support throughout his growing years. While I’m not saying that Shidou actually had that sort of upbringing, his instantaneous bonds with players of similar capability, as well as his erratic mood swings between things which pique his interest and things which don’t, mirror that sort of childlike immaturity. But they’re not irrational. They can be explained (if not justified); they’re amoral, rather than immoral. It’s kind of sad, then, the way everyone treats Shidou as some sort of demon, when in fact his passion for soccer is the clearest out of everyone else’s.

Man, do I want Shidou’s backstory already.

Barou, on the other hand, is a beast of his own caliber. This guy is, weirdly enough, worse than Shidou because there’s no fucking possibility he’s going to play nice with anyone else on his team. I feel he truly embodies the spirit of “ego” Ego was trying to instill in Blue Lock. Barou’s connection to soccer is the precise opposite of Shidou’s; the other end of the spectrum: if Shidou’s is unadulterated (“soccer for soccer’s sake”), Barou’s is wholly selfish (“soccer for my sake”). Unlike Reo, Nagi, Kunigami, Isagi, Bachira, Rin, or literally anybody else, there was no sense of human attachment or feeling of personal insecurity that sparked Barou’s passion for soccer. His backstory proves that the literal reason Barou likes soccer was, well, he was just better than everybody else. I’m the King. I’m the only one who belongs, and all of you will bow. Which, of course, is not how soccer, or any team-based sport for that matter, works, and that’s why he’s going to come in clutch for Blue Lock. He’s a singularity, and he’s single-handedly going to rock the game off its course. The thing about experts going head-to-head is that experts know what the other might play. What is truly fearsome is the beginner, and the person who either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about the rules. I, for one, am so excited to see this match unfold!

#this is another essay about MY MAN THE KING #I love this man so much and I love seeing your asks in my inbox whenever another chapter comes out AAAAAAH I love talking about it #OH and I totally forgot to address OLIVER AIKU MY OTHER MAN #Oliver is such a fucking boss imo i LOVE defense UGH #I feel bad because I always feel this sense of relief whenever Oliver’s able to block a shot by Blue Lock lol #this man single-handedly carrying his entire team’s defense #while U20’s offense has the privilege of two people carrying it #I want to see this man screw Isagi over badly just to have more extremely dubiously homoerotic content between them #pls let me know your thoughts I’m so hyped omg #blue lock #my post #my god this is so fucking long

[drivingsideways]

Misaeng review

Ok, it's been almost a week, so I feel like I can get my thoughts (somewhat) in order. As usual, I'm late to the party, given that Misaeng aired 6 years ago, and is already considered a kdrama classic. Still: thoughts!

(under the cut)

I came to this drama with quite a lot of expectations, both because I'd seen it on a lot of rec lists, and also because I'd watched director Kim Won-seok's Signal and My Mister, which are justifiably as beloved as Misaeng. I'm happy to report that Misaeng mostly lived up to those expectations!

The writing & direction work together to make Misaeng a very immersive experience, which is good, considering the entire run time is over 20 hrs. The level of seemingly mundane detail of the operational aspects of running a trading firm that they delve into (and other dramas might have avoided for sake of pacing) seemed odd to me at first, but eventually result in a world building that's incredibly well fleshed out. The (formerly unlikely!) high stakes of a misplaced piece of paper or octopuses in a shipment of squid end up being parts of an emotionally wrenching narrative whole fairly seamlessly. Still, at 20+ hours, Misaeng also does get into the kind of pacing issues that most of the slice of life kdramas I've watched so far have. And it didn't need to! I think it had a wonderful ensemble of characters, and if they'd maybe given a little more time and space to characters other than Jang Geu-Rae (Im Si wan) and Oh Sang-sik (Lee Sung-min), the mid portions may not have felt quite so, well, stuck.

But more than the strong writing and direction, it was really the actors who delivered. They made what could have easily been a dull-ish office drama into a heart warming story about human connection and the joys and troubles of leading an "incomplete life". I'd never watched Lee Sung-min in anything before, and about half way through the series I was like, HOW IS HE MAKING A SHORT TEMPERED, ALCHOHOLIC MIDDLE MANAGER SO SEXY? Like, serious props, dude. Lee Sung-min is by turns annoying and brash and too shout-y and stubborn and funny and so incredibly vulnerable as a man trying his best to live by his principles in a world that thinks they are an impediment to "success", that you forget that he's playing a fictional character-- he's someone you know, he's someone you've seen in the mirror.

His performance as Oh Sang-sik is very ably matched by Im Si Wan's Jang Geu-Rae. This series would not have worked if these two actors didn't have the chemistry they do, and play off each other in every scene. I had watched Im Si Wan recently- in JTBC's "Run On", in which I liked his performance quite a lot, but I absolutely loved him as the naive and endearing Jang Geu-rae. Misaeng, is in part, a bildungsroman narrative centered around Jang Geu Rae. Im Si wan brought a kind of vulnerability to the role that might have felt cloying and emotionally manipulative in the hands of other actors, but Im Si-wan manages to do it with a light touch. I feel he's one of those actors that uses his whole body in a scene, not just relying on facial or verbal expression, and it's a joy to watch.

Each of the other actors in the ensemble also bring that dedication and talent to their roles, even if it's in a single scene. There are lots of one-off characters that we meet during the course of the series, and every single one of them leaves an impact.

But! I'm going to pick a fave from the supporting cast and that's Byun Yo-han, whom I'd last watched as the broody, troubled (and very sexy) swordsman Lee Bang-ji in Six Flying Dragons. I can't imagine a character more in opposition to that one than Han Seok-yul in Misaeng, but Byun Yo-han just knocks it out of the park as the scheming, cheerful and mostly inappropriate clown with a heart of gold; Han Seok-yul is the definition of Chaotic Good, and you're equal parts horrified by his antics- which include sexual harassment dont @ me -- and yet charmed by him. I wish they'd given him a few more scenes and a larger plotline to work with, but I also suspect that he might have just walked away with the entire series if they did that. (Am I plotting that series in my head as I write this? MAYBE.)

Alright, this is getting a bit too long, so I'm going to get to the bits that disappointed me. That's really one major thing: the gender politics. I don't know how different the show is from the web toon it's based on, so I can't tell whether they made significant changes to the basic plot and characters. As in- I have no idea if the webtoon was as male dominated in every way as the show is, so I'm not sure how much of the show's treatment of women as a class, and its female characters in particular, I should lay at the door of the original writer vs the screenwriter and director. I'm also lacking the Korean context in which this was written and made and aired, so you may take my criticism with a pinch of salt, if you please!

That the show features mainly male characters is perhaps unsurprising and realistic, since we know that the kind of corporate life it depicts is very male dominated, top to bottom. The show also portrays the very real and horrific overt and subtle misogyny that women face in the workplace and out of it; mainly in the character of Ahn Young-yi, played with steely determination and quiet suffering by the lovely Kang so-ra. There are only 3 other female characters that have any sort of real speaking role- Sun Ji Young (played by Shin Eun jung), a senior manager at the company, Jang Geu-rae's unnamed(!) mother (played by the amazing Sung Byoung-Sook) and Oh Sang-sik's unnamed (!) wife (played by Oh Yoon-Hong, who's a delight in every tiny scene she has). There are other women who appear but in very minor roles, and often in "comedy" moments that often rely on sexist tropes to start with.

Anyway, right there you can see one of the problems- 4 women characters that have any kind of real screen time, and only 2 of them are named. Aigoo! Screenwriter Jung Yoon-jung is a woman, and like, I don't like putting the burden on any one woman to y'know fix structural misogyny, but I can't also help feeling disappointed that she overlooked even this "small" thing among the larger things.

But that apart, the main issue for me was that while the show doesn't shy away from depicting egregious sexism in the form of sexual harrassment, verbal and physical and certainly emotional abuse, in a manner that's clear that we are meant to be horrified by it--it falls short of depicting how women deal and work with it. It just doesn't give enough space to women or their worldview.

It's very comfortable depicting victimhood, but doesn't put work into depicting the ways in which women survive by finding solidarity with other women. We have a scene or two where Ahn Young-yi who is this show's poster child for female victimhood interacts with the older women who offer sympathy and understanding, but no real strategy or support. And yes, we see men also being targeted by their seniors for the grossest verbal and physical abuse; and it's men who help Ahn Young-yi strategise on how to deal with her situation. Real life experience tells me that it's the women who do this work for other women. I have certainly been on both sides of this equation, for one, and so has every woman that I know in corporate life. And yes, one of the show's core philosophies is that those who endure, survive--but it is none the less extremely painful to watch Ahn Young yi "endure" the kind of abuse she does as a coping strategy and a survival strategy.

At the end of it, when she slowly manages to gain the support of her sexist team, it's shown as a victory-- though naturally imperfect, because this show takes its Realism very seriously (right until the end where it makes a tonal shift into quirky that I was a little ?? about)-- and y'know, sure, it is a victory. And I absolutely understand the choices she makes and why she does it-- I guess I just got annoyed by the fact that other antagonistic figures in the narrative get a more straightforward comeuppance for their egregious behavior, but Ahn Young-yi doesn't even get a goddamned apology from her abusers. Instead, we have a half humourous, half serious moment where she comments on how she's working at turning herself into "someone cute"- because she understands now that sometimes the right strategy is to "go with the flow". Be the water that slowly wears away at the rock. It's an interesting moment- the men she tells this to are taken aback by her bluntness, but also a little clueless about what she means. It's the kind of nuance that I would and do enjoy. Unfortunately, it also closely follows one of the show's most annoying scenes at the tail end of the series- where it tries to play off workplace sexism and misogyny as comedy- boys being boys-Reader, when I tell you that I had to WORK to unclench my jaw--!

I'm not saying we should have a single and obvious narrative of female emancipation. I'm not against realism in fiction, but god, sometimes, please do remember that when we look for escapism, we are actually imagining a better world. The first step toward liberation is allowing yourself to imagine it.

And the show does allow other characters its moments of unfettered fantasy- Im Si Wan parkour-ing all over the rooftops of Amman- and having a semi mystical + Indiana Jones moment in the deserts of Jordan--so why, I ask, are the women not given that gift?

*looks into the camera *

Tl;dr: I enjoyed it, it made me cry every episode, and I cared about all the characters, and if you haven't watched it yet, treat yourselves.

PS. Yes, Han Seok-yul is a disaster bi, sorry, I don't make the rules. Yes, hotties Oh Min Seok and Kang Ha-neul are canonically naked in a hot tub six feet apart because they are bros. Yes, I will be writing the fix it in which they fuck like angry bunnies. Yes, I am going to put my shipper cooties all over this gen slice of life show, deal with it.

#misaeng #kdrama #thinky thoughts

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

#I've seen the MRI #magnetic resonance imaging #brainstem #scarred #brain damage #adhd #attention deficit disorder; mental health research; children #ADHD brain #living with adhd #adhd woman #women with adhd #mental illness #neurodevelopment disorder #neurological disorder #brain disorder #about me #trauma #cptsd #complex ptsd #adjustment disorder #love language #complex trauma #dissociative identity disorder #trauma and adhd #trauma warrior #writing #tldr #mental health awareness #dbt therapy #therapy

[tslasvegas]

Episode 8: “On the upside we got the numbers.” - Andrew (who is then voted out by those numbers)

It’s always a sad and unfortunate thing when a player needs to leave a game for personal reasons. I’m wishing Kevin all the best! 

Welp. I don't wanna say that this sucks, but this sucks. My closest ally walked from the game, and I hope he's ok. I really hope everything is ok with him. But now, I'm a green in a world of pinks. What my pink friends don't realize though, is I have a Safety Without Power advantage. Nobody knows about it. So if we lose, they cannibalize themselves, and that will be a sight to see. But I'd like to keep my advantage for as long as possible. But if we lose, that'll be a fun tribal council. I can only hope it's a double tribal. Now this - this is a redemption arc.

If a merge at 13 is next, then we are done! ugh. 

MERGE HAPPENS

We merged!! And I only had to attend a single tribal council in the premerge with 8 eliminations. That’s wild! We’re sitting here in merge with 7 OG Palazzo, 3 OG Bellagio and 3 OG Luxor. If Palazzo sticks together, we’d have the majority whichever way you look at it. However, I don’t imagine that group is going to stick together very long. Joey wants to get myself and Jaiden into single digits. I’d love to help get Jake into single digits as well. And I’d also like to get Livingston to at least 6th place. Honestly a group of that 5 sounds like a pretty good idea, and I might pitch it to Joey later today. And now we’re doing mastermind! A game I love but rarely ever win. I usually come close and I’m hoping this time around I can snag a win and be safe this first tribal. Nothing is scarier than the merge round of the game. Anything at all can happen. There’s still some idols and extra votes floating around, maybe some steal a votes too. There’s also that safety without power and the legacy advantage, which may be able to be played this round? Exciting things are brewing im sure. 

We made the merge!!

So OG Palazzo must be tight. Good thing Steph and Joey are still reaching out. But I don't know if we can build up a resistance with the non-OGPalazzo. I mean, in theory, it can happen. 6 of us, with a steal a vote. But so much has happened voting on opposite sides, I don't know if it is doable. We can try. Better to go out blazing at 13th, than just waiting for your turn to be voted out before F7.

I MADE IT TO MERGE AGAIN... okay I feel good about my surroundings, as well as the people I’m next to. OG Palazzo wants to go all the way to Final 7, but I know that ain’t gonna happen, cause I’m turning on them as fast as humanly possible. I need others to see that I’m a strengthener to their games, and now that its every player for themselves, I think I can grab some allies and make shit happen. I have a Legacy Advantage, and I’m just trying to get to 6.

I’m sad I lost all my chips. On the upside we got the numbers

MERGE BITCH

Ok but for serious I don't have much to say so I'm just going to do an assessment of everyone on the tribe. Andrew - I thought I was gonna like Andrew bc I thought he was c*te then I find out he likes The Sims so there was something easy for us to talk about!! But then... come to find out. He's not really interested in talking I guess. So I'm just going to leave him alone and not carry on a conversation. Ben - WHY is Ben still here. I'm so annoyed. Ben tries so hard to be my ally but I don't trust him that much. Before the merge, he pitched a plan to pool our coins (meaning: I had to send him all of mine) so that I could spin the wheel and avoid going bankrupt. Then he said we're a final two. I was like,,, no thanks. I feel like he's going to blow up his game at some point, but I just gotta pretend better to be on his side. Idk how to do that exactly... Jake - Jake has been THE biggest surprise of the merge to be honest. I actually really like Jake. He's a little "irritating" I guess, but more in the sense that he is just pretty bro-y and that's not my energy. I respect Jake's desire to be great in Tumblr Survivor, we have that in common here. I think right now, Jake and I are as close as you can get to working together without actually being a legitimate alliance. I want to see where this takes us because he's a cool guy and I really feel bad for talking shit about him before the merge. Jeff - Part of me likes Jeff, but part of me views him as the enemy simply because he's part of the "Palazzo 7". I want to try and work on Jeff because maybe he and I see things the same way? I don't think this game is strictly "seven strong" like Joey perpetuates, I'll get to that in a minute though. Anyways, I want to see how things go with Jeff cuz he seems like a cool dude and I'm definitely a meninist and want to be his bitch! Joey - I hate that I'm in a position where I both know Joey is vital for my game right now, but also that I can't stand his strategy. I like him as a person, let's make that very clear for the post-season - I just don't subscribe to his idea that there's a seven person alliance (which btw includes him according to numbers???) running the show. I will definitely feel Joey out some more before I make any decision to attach myself to him fully or throw him to the wolves. John - THREAT. I'm on high alert for John and kinda trying to maintain a safe, social-distancing-approved level of space between us. I think that John is definitely running things at least in one or two circles and I don't want him to turn that target around on me. I also can't let him know that I'm onto him. John is probably playing it where everybody just likes him and includes him in plans, but in the event that he is pulling strings, that's where the issues start. Kailyn - I don't really care for Kailyn anymore tbh. I kinda think Kailyn is playing a good under the radar game and I think it's in a lot of people's benefit to send her off to the jury sooner rather than later. I have no read on who she's close with though so that's the danger. Probably John? But who knows. Keegan - I also am surprised that I like Keegan as much as I do. He seemed a little bit too smart for his own good? But he's actually rather nice. He flops like I do but I think he's a danger if I'm not careful. I'll keep on this guy and hopefully he doesn't target me <3 I'd rather work with Keegan than against him especially now. 

Livingston - WOW I thought I'd like Livingston but goddamn this guy is BORING. Not only does he not message back, but he has nothing interesting to provide to a conversation. If he was the first person to go this round I wouldn't really be upset oop Pat - We talked a lot about drag race. We played an org together and I remember now that Pat was fucking IRRELEVANT so I'm surprised to see this new energy. Who are you and what did you do with the real Pat? Stephanie - I don't really like Stephanie's strategy either, she's just too damn likable and kind of floats on by, I wish she had left last time instead of Rachael because then it's likely Rachael gets the boot soon. But we'll see what happens. I just hope that me voting for her isn't going to kill our relationship and we can work together at some point, at least until she gets voted out. Xavier - I have a hard time reading Xavier. I think I'm calmed down from feeling threatened by him. I trust Xavier enough to not go and screw up a vote again, but does he trust me? Don't really know. I want to work with Xavier at least for a couple votes but I know that he and Ben aren't on good terms and Ben is a vote that I need right now :/ The issue I have with Xavier is that he is positioning himself to kinda be a doormat just doing whatever people want and not necessarily.. taking control of how people look at him I guess. He sticks out for being the "dad" on the tribe and doesn't bring a lot of his own personality to conversation - it's just really basic strategy. I don't know anything about him that I didn't have to go fucking find out about him on his public YouTube. Insert clown emoji here. Anyways, overall I feel okay about my chances on this tribe... So far. I honestly don't see myself playing a winning game right now - BUT it's final thirteen and there is a lot of time to turn that around for myself. I feel good in comparison to my previous Tumblr Survivor seasons because there hasn't been a vote where I've completely made myself stand out like a sore thumb. My head is in a good place to finish out this game strong, just gotta put the pedal to the metal and work shit out. Maybe win a couple challenges! Whatever twists are ahead... I'm not prepared. But I am going to walk away from this season for the better, one way or another. Eight people down, twelve left to go. 

Well, I came close to winning but unfortunately didn't. Kailyn won immunity and we had a twist where we all had to choose between two buttons. Aaaaand Kailyn now has immunity this tribal and next tribal. Lovely. After the challenge, Andrew immediately threw out Jake's name, which was worrying but I think Jeff and I have managed to sway things towards Ben. Which is a little scary, since it's highly possible he has an idol or advantage (though he did play an idol on himself at the Rachael boot. So maybe not?) Now, the question is going to become: how do Livingston and myself navigate these next few tribals with Jake? We need to keep him safe and the target off his back. There's also Joey and Jaiden who I definitely want to keep working with moving forward. I think I'm in a decent spot. I really don't see Jaiden or Jake keeping their mouth shut if my name comes up. I think I've managed to build enough of a bond with them that they won't target me. My concern is definitely Ben being a little sneak, as well as Kailyn and Xavier, who really don't talk at all. John... can also be kinda sneaky and he also has been super quiet. However, when all is said and done, I just want a single digit placement. I don't care what happens before/after that, just please let me get there. 

My first merge in 3 seasons of Tumblr Survivor, finally! It would be awesome if the tyrannical force of pink wasn’t here. Right now I’m practically a sitting duck. I’ve made connections with Jaiden and Joey who I just met, I’m hoping they’d watch my back. Ben and I are great friends from outside the game, we’re called the Jew-O Duo, for obvious reasons. I’m in a duo with Jeff called Jeff Squared, a duo with Pat called The Best Men, a trio with Liv and Keegan (that’s super dangerous cause I know they’re friends), and me John and Xavier are the Luxor Losers. I should feel protected - but I don’t. I need to keep working socially and hope that I can scoot by a couple more rounds. I wanna buddy up with Steph and Kailyn, I have no interest in working with Andrew after he flat out told me he wasn’t turning on Pink. It could be me tonight. We’ll just have to see.

....five seconds later

No. No no no no no no no. I'm sick of Andrew trying to get me out, and then going after my allies instead. I can't just sit here and let him walk all over me the entire game. He has been wishy washy and fake with me since I met him. I'm not gonna play a game of what ifs, I'm taking a gamble and gonna get his own tribe to flip on him. I've got enough information from Jeff, Pat, and Liv to spin into a lie. I know Andrew said my name - but Jeff and Keegan changed it to Ben, so if I tell Keegan that Andrew blamed him on my name coming up I think I can flip him. I can try to get John, Ben, and Xavier, Keegan can get Liv and Joey, that's 7. If it blows up in my face - Oh well. This is season 99! We're high rolling now.

Had a nice long conversation with Jake this morning. Andrew has been throwing my name under the bus for some reason? Well Andrew, better watch out because I’m driving that bus and swerving it at you. OG Palazzo is... not my favourite. Honestly I’m okay if it dies tonight. Jake, Livingston, Ben, Joey, Jaiden and myself can definitely switch things up. I imagine we can get John and Xavier on board as well, maybe even Kailyn. I was perfectly okay riding the pink wave for a few rounds, but Andrew you just had to go and mess that up. Why? For what reason? Hoping it’s you tonight. xoxo Gossip Girl

I feel good about tribal, rip Andrew I guess, but I'm nervous as hell for some reason that it could be me. It would be perfect because I don't even see it coming... :/

I don't know what happened, but there seems to be a "merging" of tribal lines. Which is good for me. The vote is going Andrew with 9. And the 4 are voting Ben. Or everyone is playing everyone. I am just happy I am not one of the options BUT I was told that Steph and I are being mentioned by people as a tight 2. Well, they're right, but I didn't want that to come out.

Andrew is being his paranoid self. And rightfully so. Unless I’m getting completely bamboozled, the vote should between 7 and 9 votes for Andrew, and between 6 and 4 votes for Ben. Fingers crossed this goes off without a hitch

Okay so premerge wasn’t too hard tbh. Just making friendships with my og palazzo. I just hope that every week people see someone else as less important to their game. I have a long mental game for this and I am prepared to take this game week by week and adjust to everything that comes. I just pray that I make it through this week and even if I lose Andrew I don’t mind tbh because then I have an idol to myself. I’m obsessed with Livingston tbh he’s so funny and I like a good amount of the people I didn’t get a chance to meet premerge so I think there’s good room to move about 

After last tribal I honestly want Ben gone. He’s kind of rude and frustrating. OG Pallazzo has the numbers so in theory we should be set but who knows? 🤷🏼‍♀️

[whetstonefires]

"the top three of its forty floors are filled with brass telescopes of every size, pointing in every possible direction, including several that do not exist within the normal three dimensions of space." thats SUCH a cool image / "If any harvest will come." ooh i wonder whats going on / "The roofs are of red tile, the stucco of the houses painted in shades of blue. It stands empty, but has not had time to fall into disrepair." the little bits of detail getting added to the picture im LOVE (1/?)

I’m gonna do these all as one post but broken up for ease of reference, I think.

Thank you! 🥰 Deciding the theme for the Tower and giving it that visual anchor really helped to pull things together. If you consider the whole setup, it seems unlikely the Tower was originally built as an observatory, since those tend to benefit from height (especially if you’re looking around you rather than up, but for the up ones also) and the builders could easily have put it on top of a mountain or at least some hills, but instead put it by the river. It’s above sea level, and it’s away from light pollution, but there were better locations. Nearby.

So either it wasn’t an observatory, and it’s been refitted as one, or they had so many observatories they didn’t care about locating them optimally, there was some other factor making having the tower there important even if it was suboptimal in terms of observation capacity. Or, potentially, it’s been moved since it was built!

:} Yay thank for being interested by the foreshadowing. I tried to put just enough in without actively overshadowing the actual place-setting-up and making the reader impatient with the description. 

"If you look through an enchanted telescope you may see trees without needles fail halfway up the nearest of the great peaks, and even these fail before the top, though there is a span of nearly barren stone past that line, before the snow begins." you: mentions different plants living in different climates me: :0 / there's so much good description!! its all so pretty!! (2/?)

sflka;l;jlk i mean yeah, that’s pretty straightforward isn’t it. But! It establishes How Much Mountain it is visually rather than by saying ‘it was a big fucking mountain’ or ‘it was tall enough for the thinness of atmosphere near the top to create a small tundra region.’

o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

<3 Thank you! I kinda cut loose lmao.

"blocks veined with every color, pale blues and purples, reds and greens and golden-duns all mottling toward white and grey and black" god i want to live there so badly!! this tower is meeting all my standards!! cool pretty magic tower with rad telescopes!!! / "make a remark no one present understands about a Doctor named Seuss. His guide, the dousing tracker Amnaphi, will assume this person to be a famous astronomer from his homeland." im love!! misunderstandings about references!! (?/?)

💗💖✨ Yay! That’s an important feeling to create in fantasy, imo. The wanting. 

I really enjoyed playing with the standard forms for ‘thing made of marble’ here, because all these marbles really exist, but in spite of the existence of the word ‘marbled’ our narrative uses of it tend to be tied up with Neoclassical aesthetics. So very white and smooth, yeah?

Also idk if it’s obvious to the reader but this Tower is to some degree in dialogue with Orthanc, which made a great impression on my mind as a child as the iconic wizardly tower, and while I don’t disagree with any of Tolkien’s use of symbolism for the purposes he was deploying it, there’s so much potential in Isengard as a setting that LotR had no space to explore, even if Tolkien would have noticed those angles at all.

Like...the parkland around the Tower is shown being despoiled for the orcish war machine and then reconquered by the forest, but of course it wasn’t forest to begin with. What was it for before Saruman lost his shit? Ordered gardens, for peaceful contemplation? Who dedicated the space that way? Who maintained it? 

Did Saruman employ a gardener? Did he design his own gardens, or did they come with the keep, which we’re informed was built not by him but by the Numenoreans? 

(“I liked white better” is still one of the greatest lines in a fantasy novel, Tolkien does not get enough credit for his contextually hilarious one-liners that rely on pointed code-switching, but Saruman’s evil rainbow oil-slick robes also sounded really baller and it’s kind of a shame they were not attempted for the movie lol.)

The fact that this is a world designed around a kid getting portal-fantasied into it and staying for 30 years really gives me some options which are fun to deploy but also like. Risky lmao. Because it encourages the reader to surface from the setting-logic and apply their own perspective, which can really break up the magic.

Being able to zoom out on the Tower after all that detail and be like ‘it’s awesome but also it looks like something Doctor Seuss would draw’ was fun though.

"Within the even hexagon of its outer wall, the Tower encloses a great parkland, enough that if it was all put under cultivation it could easily feed as many people as could live in the Tower itself." the tower has PLANTS i love it so much / "Ten Years’ Winter" god PLEASE tell me this is going to get into the agriculture and society stuff game of thrones didn't about long winters that would be SO cool / "Watchers of the Stars" AND they have a cool name holy shit (?/?)

Plants are important! As is food supply. As everyone who’s been reading this blog for a while already knows I think lol.

I mean, it’s not about that, really? The Ten Years’ Winter is a historical event--the most recent meteor impact severe enough to have global climate fallout. The dust it kicked up took a while to settle, and the famines were pretty severe.

But the cultural consequences of something that happened a hundred and fifty years ago exist, and are important, including the relationship between governance and disaster preparedness, which varies a lot regionally as you may imagine. 

Astronomy has a long history as a wizardly sort of activity in the real world, both because it’s had continual overlap with astrology and just because the process has always been mystical and abstruse. In this setting, with a history of both devastating meteor impacts and being invaded from the Moon, but also actual magic, it’s got more obvious practical importance. Although since neither of these are remotely everyday occurrences, the average person on the street might not agree lol.

So it’s on the one hand a purely descriptive title, and on the other hand a serious boast, suggesting as it does that they are primarily responsible for Watching The Sky For Stuff. While also having broader philosophical implications and just sounding nice lol. 

You gotta have good marketing if you want to persist as a wizardly order, because if talented students aren’t motivated to come to you how will you gain new members? Natural replacement is not an ideal strategy to say the least. That’s how you turn into a cult instead of an intellectual powerhouse.

"The northern third of the Tower’s park contains neatly regimented orchards, apples, pears, plums, and a few rows of carefully tended peaches and apricots, all clipped flat against low brick walls angled south and slightly west." hhh t r e e s / "wizards, while enthusiastic about innovation in the abstract, hate change." me too, wizards. me too / "The Tower grounds are filled with refugees." ooh now we get to why everything was empty earlier (?/?)

Trees! Which are also food!

And technology lol. Greenhouses built against fruit walls with good insulation are so much more sensible than ones heated from inside. Obviously as a passive solar-powered technology these only work when the sun is available and not, for example, cut off by a giant dust cloud. 

These people are fairly acutely aware of their dependence on the sun and it figures prominently in a majority of their religions and their magical theory, even more than in ours.

There seems to be a mild consensus that the wizards are relatable. In truth: we are all wizards. :D

Yup! At long last lol.

"This division corresponds imperfectly to the usual split of the town by the course of the Meroda." because people!! take comfort!! in what normalcy they can find!! / "Makeshift pallets line the spaces between every fruit wall—the injured are being laid out here, now that the Tower is full, to get the benefit at night of the warmth meant to mature fruit." the awesome magic tower people trying to do everything they can for the injured who come to them for help in case i thought i couldn't be (?)

more in love / "Half of them are making ready to turn south along the Meroda." oh nooooo / "but the Moon People are the successors of the ancient magics, and just because they could not break the walls the last time they came, according to legend, does not mean they have not worked out a method now." im so worried for the people oh no (?)

Yeah! It really seemed natural. But of course they also aren’t recreating it obsessively; lots of people are grouping up with relatives who normally live across the river, or with people in the same line of work on the river, because people also adapt to circumstances.

No institution is ever perfect, of course, but I’m glad the Watchers have come across this way so far. They’re broadly well-intentioned and mostly well-organized.

And they were not ready for this.

A significant fraction of the reason for the order of the Watchers to exist at all, particularly in this observatory with its great eye fixed ever on the face of the green moon, is to be able to warn the world if this ever happens again. But the Moon People knew they were being watched, this time, and they kept all the build-up to mobilization that might have given them away on the far side of the moon until the last minute.

What the Magister is doing, as I hope was made clear or at least successfully indicated--I wish your commentary on the ending had come through!--is summoning what turns out to be an actual child from another world to do hero stuff.

Even if he’d gotten an adult that would be kidnapping someone to help with your problems, a routine element of the portal fantasy whose ethics have been addressed in a variety of ways, most famously ‘is Lion Jesus and always right.’ 

The reason they need a hero from another world is that the Moon People build a lot of their wards and their offensive and disabling magical attacks around a targeting system based on what planet people are from, because even though they’re originally from the same stock--they’re the descendants of ancient moon colonists who evacuated ahead of a major meteor impact somewhere approaching four thousand years ago--on a magical level having been born and raised on the planet or the moon makes a pretty huge difference. 

So no one can get into the place their magic space elevator is anchored and fuck it up so they can’t keep bringing troops and supply in and loot out. Their single supply line is their only strategic weakness, and they’ve taken appropriate precautions.

Getting someone in from a third location is the best idea anyone’s been able to come up with in the very limited time available. Since no one can figure out how to turn one of the Moon People against the cause they came here for, on short notice, when they aren’t even stopping to talk to anyone so far. Like, that’s clearly not going to happen.

Heron Yl Fanult isn’t unaware that it’s ethically questionable, but he’s doing it anyway.

So I’m glad the ominous imminent oncoming of the Moon People can really be felt, because that atmosphere is fairly essential context for the decisionmaking going on at the top of the Tower.

"Young wizards sit in their bunks, six each to rooms that were previously individual, and hold lighting cupped dancing in their palms." a quick break from being worried to point out that this is rad as hell / "some with their heads decorously covered..." cultural differences!! especially with regional purposes like the Hedro!! 

Thank you! 😆💖 I thought so too lol. 

It also establishes the parameters of the magic system a little more. Throwing lightning bolts is pretty iconicly high-powered, right? And here it’s what most of the student wizards are practicing in anticipation of a battle, because most of them aren’t specced into combat and this is actually one of the easier lethal spells to master, especially if you have an academic background.

‘Electrocute’ isn’t a very flexible spell and it’s easy to lose control of, but it’s actually easier than, say, ‘set on fire to a significant degree in a non-electrical manner’ because concentrating a lot of heat in a certain location takes a lot more brute force than encouraging ionization. 

You can pull most of the actual destructive force for the palm lightning spell out of the physical air and/or earth if you grasp the principles, which is much easier than channeling a comparable amount of magic directly because it doesn’t have to go through you. 

The limiting factors on magic in this setting are how much power you can tap into and how much of it you can actually use without hurting or killing yourself. It’s not usually a lot, though the amount can be increased by things like choosing your workspace, prepping your workspace, and a whole lot of practice and meditation and things like that.

Magical traditions that get bundled under the heading of wizardry tend to focus on force multiplication, obtaining enough contextual understanding of a subject to make whatever power is applied go further. This means a lot of studying theory and using magic to make observations (such as the existence of microorganisms and their connection to disease) and often results in making clever devices based on what you’ve learned that may not actually wind up being magical at all. 

Which is why the solar greenhouse proposal is considered ‘more wizardly’ than the fruit walls, which are wizardly in the first place even though the technology is pretty widespread at this point--it’s carried the principle of minimizing the energy you have to invest to get the result you want to the logical conclusion, where you don’t have to do any magic at all, you just set up the situation and get out of the way and the sun will do the work for you.

Other schools of magic, particularly religious ones, are more likely to emphasize just getting better at handling energy for yourself, which tends to yield a lot more in the way of immediate practical dividends and in a lot of quarters wizards who don’t do something obviously practical like physic or smithcraft with their theoretical background are considered crackpots or dilettantes 

An impression helped along by the fact that being taken on as a student of wizardry at a basic level tends to focus more on your reading comprehension than your ability to actually do any magic, so in places where religious and wizardly institutions coexist the most talented students have a tendency to gravitate toward the religious life. This is particularly marked in areas religiously dominated by the Compact of the Golden Circle, wherein full ordination is contingent on being able to pull off certain fairly hefty rituals, so if you aren’t physically or mentally up to that kind of magical heavy lifting your religious career will stall out in one of the lay fraternities. In some of the cities on Sutouchel, the landmass to the southeast where the Compact is based, a slang term for wizard is ‘sanctum washout.’

But of course force multiplication is something that can scale up pretty far, and studying theory doesn’t stop you from also putting work into your practical skills, and not having talent isn’t the only reason someone would choose not to seek out a clerical career, if it’s even an option. Religion along the Meroda is pretty localized; communities tend to have local deities who correspond to a natural feature like the nearest mountain or the river or something, and if that deity rates a fulltime shrine the keeper also tends to be the major local medical provider, and since the wizards got settled in at the Tower it’s become pretty popular for shrinekeeping families to send their kids there for a year or two to get some educational polish in addition to what their parent already emphasized.

So depending on where you live and what your personal experience has been you’re going to have very different ideas about what wizards are good for.

Hrm. I’ve gone on a tangent. But that wound up taking so long you came back! :D I love it when being turtle works out in my favor.

Or was this actually the meta I was supposed to be doing in the first place? Aaaaa who knows.

im fairly confident you said eight asks survived so this is number nine? anyways onwards! "The hale survivors of the First Battle of the Second Descent sit waiting in their leathers, jack-chains and helmets laughably inadequate armor against the coming danger, and yet the best hope now just as they were on Carun Tol once the wizard fell" i have a lot of emotions about how their best bet is also a terrible bet but its all they have (9/?)

Yes 8. 

Woo, thank you! ^^ & I love that you described it that way because that also describes the ‘summon alien’ spell Yl Fanult is casting and echoing the same emotional theme throughout the scene was very much the goal here.

"Threads have escaped from the braids pinned across the top of her skull: she has not had the chance to take them down for two days." god just the continuation of how desperate everything is / "He leans forward to peer through the narrow glass that has been turned on its articulated base to face the middle of the room, and relaxes very slightly. At least there has been no catastrophic alteration there, either." what does that one do id assume theres no approching army in the middle of the room -

:D Yeah, the fact that one of the chief medics available is already overworked to the point of neglecting nonessential personal hygiene and the enemy isn’t even here yet I hoped would resonate.

Well, remember how some of the telescopes at the beginning point in directions not included in the normal three dimensions of space? :}

- "trained as it long has been upon the face of the moon" also forgot to mention their enemies being from the moon is Rad As Hell / "He snaps his fingers for a spark that falls into the deep circular groove full of distilled spirits, and steps through that as well. He is not burned." ooooh whats he doing / "At his feet lie a glittering piece of gold ore, a moonstone, and a carefully sanded round of pumice." i see the connection to the moonstone bc moon army but i wonder about the others -

Thank you! It took a fair amount of poking before I decided it was a solid approach; it provides just enough physical alienation that there’s no direct cultural relationship and you can have that ‘everyone in the entire world Disliked That’ vibe, without needing to create any complicated magical and cultural explanation for such a long run of isolationism. They were out of contact because they were On The Moon.

Also I really get a kick out of putting space invaders in a fantasy setting in a way that stops just short of turning into sci-fi.

I’m glad the ritual lead-up is exciting! Even if the foreshadowing wasn’t as obvious as I thought it was lol. That’s fixable. 

Gold is for the sun, moonstone is yeah for the moon lol (although in other circumstances people also use jade, because it’s been a long time since the moon was uniformly silver on account of it having been terraformed a few thousand years ago) and pumice is for the world--it’s a stone full of air that floats on water, so it’s popular as an anchoring device for rituals that call on all three local celestial bodies.

"He cannot take much time. He has only until the ring of fire dies." whats he doingggggg / anyways i love this so much!! the descriptions are gorgeous and im so invested in all of everything!! i hope you write more im so curious about it all!! 

XD Ok I covered this already, I would have saved it for down here or Been Mysterious if tumblr hadn’t eaten the last few asks the first time lol. Thank you so much again! For encouragement! Before and now! I’ll try! To keep it going!

Here’s hoping this successfully posts, tumblr just kicked me onto New Dashboard again and disabled the turn-it-off button, so now my alternate posting strategy is borked up too. 🤞😅😘

#hoc est meum #ask #worldbuilding #a nonny mouse #the tower of sight #people say nice things #long post #<3

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #1 - “hail santa that is all.” (Chrissa)

Nothing much really so far. We got into tribes so far everyone seems cool ans all so can't wait to see what happens from here.

Opening thoughts: I'm very much downplaying my knowledge, making it seem like I care most about challenges, know nothing about how online Survivor works (I played and hosted one) and not a massive amount about the actual show either, asking a lot of questions. Trying to find people with the most similar personalities and let others propose any alliances.

boy am i overwhelmed

Day 1; So I'm sitting here, eating dinner, a salad with garlic bread and a mike's hard pineapple strawberry lemonade, and I decide to do a confessional! Lets talk about my tribe, first and foremost. We're the "Second Chances" tribe. Fitting, we're all FLOPS. Imma do this in the order we were REVEALED to the world. Because that's cute, right? We're basically the beauty tribe bc everyone is lowkey real scrumptious lookin. Eric; Before this game, Eric and I bonded in the Ahkmim VL about how we never get cast for tumblr survivor, and how we're waiting for redemption, and I'd feel bad leaving him as the first boot. So hopefully he'd also feel bad, and wanna talk to me. I don't think the two of us have much in common yet, he's into anime, and reading, which is like, two things I'm not really down for, but I'm definitely gonna give Spirited Away a try sometime soon so I can talk to him about it. I kinda wanna ask if the red in his hair is naturally like.. blood red. But maybe that's the lighting in the room, or maybe he died it even MORE ginger, because I often hear to him referred to as GINGER Eric, but also i don't wanna have an awkward "No, this is just like.. normal ginger" conversation. Megan; Ohhhh Megan.. my girl Megan. We've had a rocky road in our friendship, and I wish I was just talking about ice cream. Something about her though just makes me have infinite patience for the things the two of us deal with, I can't help but just want to be with her all the time. I scouted her out from FaceBook to play my Whodunnit, and we've been extremely close ever since, our game relationship has been rocky enough for me to worry slightly about her, but all I can do is trust her, and build good enough relationships with other people that if she tried to fuck me over, I would know, and strike first. Its still unclear to this day whether she had a hand in my elimination in a Big Brother game we played, 1984. What is crystal clear, is that we cried together while she cast her vote to evict me. I love her, won't never stop lovin her. I'm hoping this can be OUR season to dominate, because I feel like we're almost evenly matched when it comes to a jury vote. Will; "Whoop-de-do" iconic king of not getting his haircut. Uhh.. idk what all to say, because before the game, I knew nothing of this man. However, Monty said something about him being alive and on Skype, and my mind immediately goes to "Is he hot?" and I check his profile, and publicly announce that he's hot. Which isn't FALSE, but then we both get revealed for the game, and put on the same tribe. So now we're vibing, and relating on the fact that tumblr players hate us, and we've deemed each other, "Heather". He's currently petitioning to call our tribe "The Heathers" instead of Enlil. We get on really well, and he's pretty damn cute. Also, he goes to bed SO early, I hope we get enough time to talk and get close on this tribe. Julian; Well. This is a lot to unpack, but I found out he was playing about 3 days before the game, and since that point. He's gotten unnecessarily aggressive with me, and a couple others over non-tumblr related matters. Julian and I have a rocky history, between me being recruited, and auto-casted for his ORG, Trinity Survivor, his ex-co-host/current-best friend berating me, and deleting messages to make me look bad. To Julian throwing passive aggressive low-blows about my social ineptitude in my face if I'm angry about something, to us making final 3 together in minis. Overall, I'm constantly at odds about how I perceive our relationship, I want to be able to assume the best of him, and say that I'm good in his book, no matter what happens. I think a lot of the time, our friend group isn't the most mature, and it is really difficult to have an adult conversation with someone from within that friend group, without someone else having an opinion to share on it, so I've heard things that he's said about me, that I'm not necessarily sure if its true or not, but I try my best to hold a strong, level head and smile whenever I see him, but sometimes its difficult wanting to approach a conversation with someone head on, but knowing that you can't do that with him is definitely a struggle of mine. We have very different communication styles, and its difficult to see past it sometimes. For now, I'm going to be working with him, but I'm not sure how long that can last, as he admits it himself, he can only handle my personality for short periods of time. Jack; Well, Jack hasn't said a single word for the last three hours, since the game has begun. I don't WANT to have to stay up till 5-6 in the morning to try to have a conversation with him, but if that's what I gotta do, then that's what I gotta do. Chrissa; Chrissa, Todd. My LOVE. Chrissa is someone that I owe something to, she's amazing, beautiful, talented, show stopping, never before seen, etc. Our game relationship is not great, because I organized her first boot in Ascendance Season 4; Back to the Future. However, it was because she was attached to someone that kept accusing me of having powers behind my back. So, hopefully Chrissa forgives me, and gives me another chance, because I'd love to work with her. I feel like Chrissa is someone who is extremely intelligent, and loyal, and that's someone I want on my side. I love my tribe, lets win every challenge until the merge!!

Well... I’m back again... not going inactive this time! Let’s just do a quick roundup for now: JJ seems to think we’re in a showmance already which is either great or bad for my game, Megan’s a sweetheart and I could see us aligning, Eric is definitely a gamer and I have a feeling he’ll be a loyal, jack and Julian are both pretty straightforward and seem on the quieter side, and Chrissa straight up vanished already so we’ll see how that goes! Basically somebody thinks I’m their husband but I don’t know if I ever signed the prenup, but if it means JJ is gonna spill on how he feels about everyone then that’s some good insight. Nobody really wants to talk game yet but that’ll change soon!! Kk bye for now

Night 1/Morning 2: Everyone on my tribe seems extremely cool and I'm loving the way the tribes are divided. The only name I recognized on the cast was Monty's and he's on my tribe! I don't know him personally but I think he first played around when I was hosting a season. I have hit it off with Johnny the best so far I think, and definitely Isabelle as well. I seem to have a lot in common with both of them on a personal level. Strategically, I haven't locked anything down yet. I don't want to come right out and blurt "ALLIANCE?" with anyone; for right now I'm just trying to play it cool, get to know people as well as I can, and be a likeable presence in the tribe so people just wanna have me around.

I just asked Collin to talk to Adam about forming a four person alliance, which Collin will "bring" me into while Adam suggests someone. This might secure me in a four person alliance which would be ideal, but if it backfires, it will backfire on Collin, not on me. I'm trying to get myself into a majority while insulating myself from being seen as the strategic threat

First confessional before first IC

I was thrust on a good tribe we have JJ and Eric and hopefully this group of people won't make us last in competitions atleast lol maybe if we lose though hopefully i can argue why jack needs to go with his timezone but hopefully i don't have too. 

im ngl idk why i decided to play tumblr survivor again and the instant paranoia of just caring about my PLACEMENT is going to keep me up at night *shivers*

It's been a day in and so far I really like our tribe! I'm vibing with a few of them and it looks like there's been alliance formed between myself, Julian and JJ. JJ has said that he owes it to Chrissa not to vote her out if we lose, and I think he has something with Megan on the side based off what Julian has told me. That leaves Will and Jack, and I've talked with Will a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and see if he wants to work with me too because I feel like to win this season, you will need to keep all your options open. 

Day 2: I got to talk to Jack last night, he was talkin about how he did some funky fresh survivor statistics on how tribe swaps affect tribe line loyalties, which I found super interesting. Then I decided to share a statistics thingy I did on how the Final 3 format doesn't produce an even ratio of male / female winners, but the Final 2 format does, and how potentially something about the final 3 format in survivor could be a factor in why we haven't had enough female winners in the last few generations of survivor. But he didn't even believe there was a female bias in survivor.. which kinda threw me off. Oh well, we ended the conversation on a good note before I went to bed. Well, the tribe seems to be getting along well, I tried to get a tribe call going, but it ended up just being me and Megan helping Chrissa with strategies to get higher scores in the challenge. She can't seem to break 100, and I feel really bad for her, I hope the rest of us can carry this competition, because I would feel like the worst human being in the world if I gave someone first boot twice in a row. Not to mention I'd consider Chrissa a friend of mine. Maybe I'm playing this game a bit too emotionally, before we even have our first tribal. What a concept.. Will and I are only getting closer and closer, we continuously refer to each other, affectionately, as "Heather". But he really lied to me today, pretty hard core. He said he was gonna order his weight in mexican food when he got off work... but he ate Thai instead...? How dare he ??? Rude. Anyways, if he's lying about that, what else could he lie to me about? Smh. Fuckboys amirite? I think that if we lose this challenge, Jack would be an easy vote off. He's in a different timezone, and his age unfortunately would make it really difficult to have a decent social game. If we lose more than once, there's one of two things that could happen.. 1.) There's a standoff between Julian, Megan and I, trying to maneuver this tribe to remove each other. Which is exactly why a friendship / showmance / whatever with Will is so important. Will would likely be the swing vote they try to get, I don't see Chrissa voting me out if I prove my loyalty at the first tribal our tribe faces. 2.) The three of us dominate the premerge portion of the game, and it becomes an impossible to maneuver situation for me at the merge, because all the connections I have outside of my own tribe, both Julian or Megan also have a hand in, with the exception of Jay, who I don't find myself falling that closely to. I feel like I might be thinking too much, too fast. I guess I just can't show the rest of my tribe that. I'm hoping my reads on the tribe are at least somewhat correct this time around. :/

Collin never ended up messaging Adam, and I was worried about falling behind the 8-ball, so I took alliance building measures into my own hands. I messaged Zach about joining up by stating that Collin had told me he also had a good conversation with Zach, and I made sure Zach didn't just feel "brought in" by asking him which person he would want to be 4 in our alliance. He suggested Cameron, which is fine by me. He hasn't officially reached out to Cameron yet, but our plan is to bring Cameron in if we end up losing, and I will probably want to vote Kyle or Grace in that scenario. Hope we don't lose though!

I don't really (or at least usually) stress about challenges and definitely not this early in the game, but some of these people are so stressed and panicky. Will (who I talked to about aligning earlier today like I had said I would in my last confessional) is stressed about not being able to beat his current high score of 199 and feels like he's on the lower end and might be eliminated. I was telling him though that this isn't necessarily about your score, but your ranking. You can get 209 or 189 and still get the same ranking. Chrissa on the other hand is totally panicking. She has an admittedly low score of 89 which she forgot to screenshot which is really rough. She same flash games aren't her thing (and I believe her) but when I tried to calm her down and say there's lots of time to improve and that we can win this, she continued to panic. There's not much I can do for her. I'm not aligned with her right now and she's just really scared to get first boot, which I don't even think will happen. JJ feels obliged not to make her first boot should the scenario present itself, and I'm aligned with him and Julian. If anyone's going home right now, it's probably Jack unless he has connections I am unaware of. I would really like to win though because I love our beauty tribe xoxo 

I managed to find the idol clue, and in telling my formed trio of Collin and Zach, Zach accidentally revealed that he had found it too. I don't think he intended to tell me, so now I am not sure if I fully trust him. I'll work with him for now, but he is going to be a big move player and I'll have to watch out for that

Forgive me father for i have sinned it's been a day since my last confession I've made some progress me and grace knowing each other well pregame means i have an instant ally coming in to help not be first.....or second out and me and Collin seem to be kinda working together I guess?? I hope not fully sure but I feel confident I'm not going if we go to tribal.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

FUCK entanglement! FUCK IT IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL hail santa that is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBoZlL8ZWzY

Zach is playing super hard out in the open. That is good for me, he can make connections to help our alliance, and if there is ever a moment where our alliance gets exposed, he will probably be out in the forefront as a target. The flip side of that is that I might not be able to go to the end with him if he could be perceived as the leader of my alliance, so I'll need to see how the game develops

We came in second in the immunity challenge by ONE POINT. Thank the lord because our group seems very cohesive at the moment, and going to tribal would have put everyone into scramble mode. I've been bonding the closest over the first 4 days with Isabelle, and I am hoping it can lead to a strong game relationship. Right now, we seem to be very social with one another and we have gone as far as to say we wouldn't vote for one another, but I'm still sort of waiting for that defining confirmation (as much as you can get that in Survivor). After that, I'd say I've been pretty chatty with Johnny and Monty equally (but I think I have a slightly tighter personal bond so far with Johnny). Abrielle I talked to more so over the first couple of days but I would say between her, Jay and Madison those are the ones I've made the least connection with. They all seem like good people, just haven't had as much traction chatting with them. I don't want us to go to tribal for as long as we can help it, because for me the best case scenario heading into a swap would be if our tribe had the numbers advantage and some sort of tribe-wide unity going into it. I feel like that way I could be in a good spot but also not in the forefront of the tribe alliance (I'd hope that would sort of fall on Monty or Johnny maybe because of their Tumblr Survivor experience). For now though, just continuing to get to know everyone as best I can and try and make sure people want me around, and have me in their plans moving forward.

https://youtu.be/2ix-llpzUOQ

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https://youtu.be/bwCjV8my_Zc ok my mom walked in so i didn't get to finish my thought, but i guess the full thought is just: what the fuck? like i'm really gonna be watching this vid on repeat while y'all are just trolling us. this will end up in my nightmares. know that. also my paranoia is once again setting in. as i mentioned in previous confessional, i feel like ben and i have bonded the most, and we've both pointed it out to each other, but now i feel like he's pointing it out... almost too much? he's basically comparing our convos to his with the rest of the tribe and that they're much better (which i lowkey agree), but something feels fishy because again IM PARANOID. AM I BEING PLAYED?? like literally the scenario in my mind is that everyone's aligned except me and ben has been chosen as the bug to make me feel comfortable. okay yes im crazy. and it's only day 2 whew! im going to bed goodnight.

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ok now ive found a video about spectograms the channel has liked. this hunt is getting me anxious bc slowly but surely the amount of views on the immunity idol vid is increasing. AHHHH

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ok i found the spectogram and it literally spells out "SINK." (also this shit is scary so again, my nightmare comment holds.) so there are 5 other followers, which makes me know for sure that at least 5 other ppl have found this vid. also i have no idea what to do with the word. i assume that it'll come in handy eventually (maybe a password? send in a chat? comment on the vid? something?) and i really really hope im the only person to find this. i know that's unlikely tho.

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oh my god. oh my fucking god. the clue is at survivor-mesopotamia.tumblr.com/sink . im screaming. proud of myself. BUT of course it says... "clue Though you have found it, No clue has emerged. UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Come back when you’ve merged." i- i have to wait until i've merged. HA. we'll see if bitches get that far. and im bitches. anyways sorry for the spam, now back to your regularly scheduled programming

Day 3: I almost forgot to do this confessional. But here I am, in bed, watching Avatar, and drinking butterscotch milk with Irish cream, which is surprisingly good? Anyways, here we go! First, you’re telling me that we LOST the challenge.. what the hell :( I thought I did so well having 188, but apparently even 256 wasn’t going to cut it. The fact that if Jack could improve his score by 30 points, means we’d be safe from tribal, it annoys me that it felt like he didn’t try as hard as Chrissa in the flash game? Julian, he says we can beast through this game and make final three. This is something I’d really love to be able to trust that he has in mind, but I just am unsure at this moment. He gave me information towards the idol search that I appreciate, and probably wouldn’t have figured it out myself. That felt good, but I feel like he wasn’t giving me everything he knew, just enough to make me feel comfortable. I’ll have to continue to keep my eye on him.. Next, Heather, or Will, my potential showmance. We’ve finally got the opportunity to call each other, we talked about the idol search, and our potential moves in the future. He told me he likes the idea of not playing with Julian, but right after he told me this, Julian asked if we were good? Which was kinda sketch. But I’ll do my best to trust Will, and call it a weird coincidence. Megan hasn’t talked to me much today, but she was a room moderator for sequester, and was visiting a friend today, so I can’t blame her. Chrissa is hopefully safe, I can’t give her first boot in back to back games together, I refuse to be that heartless. She’s so good I can’t do it. Eric hasn’t talked to me much either. For someone who should probably know that his name is on the block, I’m surprised Jack isn’t talking too much to me? Maybe it’s because I’m on the chopping block and I don’t know it. I’d be really heartbroken if I were the first boot.

So we lost the challenge by ONE FREAKING POINT, which sucks ass. But not me doing the best in my tribe on the challenge. We stan improvement. Anyway, it looks like the discussion for the vote is between Jack and Chrissa, namely Jack. Though Chrissa performed worse in the challenge, she's done a better job connecting with the rest of us than Jack has. As of now, that's what the general concensus is. I talked to Julian and he agreed, and we are aligned with JJ. Chrissa would vote our way to make sure it isn't her. Another thing that's happening is the idol search. The video made literally no freaking sense, but when the channel liked this video about spectograms, Julian put the video into it and it spelled sink. It turned out that by putting the word sink into the blog link, it says a clue will be there but at the merge. I guess this means for now there will be no idols, so as long as the people im with are truthful, the person who is planned to go home at tribal will go home without a shadow of a doubt.

https://youtu.be/ury1fLaZQec

Right now everyone on the tribe is at peace and getting along, but we all know that’s gonna change when we go to tribal council.

I'm sad we lost the first challenge. I came back to do better than i did the first time, so the idea of being the first boot would suck. I'm not that close with Chrissa so 100% she's my vote. She has played more seasons than all of us & the second chancers deserve their time. Also, Chrissa did the worst out of us in the challenge so it makes it easier to convince everyone to vote for her, but i also dont want to be the one who targets her first because that could come back round to me, and i would hate that as i've waited over a year for a 2nd shot at this. At the moment i'm closest with JJ & Will F, they are 100% my final 3 right now. I like Megan & Eric as well. I've only had 1 comversation with Julian and we did get on well but we havent talked about anything since then. I've tried to talk to Chrissa but she's never really tried to talk to me.

Hi!! Megan for my first confessional!! Yall are gonna have to remind me throughout my time in this game to do these because I'm SO bad at remembering to do confessionals lmaooo. So this first round there's been a lot going on. There are three tribes- newbies, flops, and a tribe of vets who have played well. Clearly I am on the flop tribe, because I was a SAD pre-merge boot in Svalbard. I was feeling really excited about my tribe and definitely thought we could do well and at least not lose the first challenge - we don't want to be flops again!! But alas, after a long day of doing that stupid entanglement flash game, we have proven our labels and FLOPPED yet again, getting last. SO. now we have to go to tribal council tonight. I am out of town this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to many people but I hope I can make it through this first vote. All I've heard so far is that people want to keep the tribe strong so we don't lose another challenge, and based on the first challenge scores, the two bottom challenge players would be Chrissa and Jack. So far I have heard that people want to do Jack instead of Chrissa, which I am fine with. I haven't talked to him that much and I think the time zone difference unfortunately puts him at a disadvantage, so honestly, we should probably vote him out first. I am nervous of course though because people have been fairly quiet and that's never a good thing, but I am hoping and praying that nothing crazy happens and Jack is the first boot and all is good and fine with that. Okay now I'll talk a little about the players on the tribe and how I feel about them- Okay so obviously I know JJ and Julian fairly well from previous games & also being in various group chats together. So far we are planning on working together as a trio and I am GOOD with that so far. Chrissa I have played with once before but she's not very social or talkative, and tbh, I haven't had a DM with her in this game yet, but she seems sweet. Eric I like a lot, he is funny and outgoing and a little chaotic and I love that in him. I think I know him from something previously but quite honestly I don't remember him, but he remembers me LOL. I hope they're good memories. Jack, again, I haven't talked to him much because of the time difference I think. Also isn't he like a minor? Oof that's weird. Anyway onto the final member of my tribe - the king, the legend, the literal love of my life - WILL!!!! I had never met Will before this game but we vibed IMMEDIATELY. We get along so well and we have a lot of things in common and we like the same kinda things. We've had a lot of really good conversations already and I feel the closest to him in this game by far, even though I have known other people on my tribe longer. I adore Will and I will do everything in my power to make sure we both get as far in this game as we can. Okay I think that's enough for a first confessional, bye!!!

Things have been pleasant and slow so far. Everyone on the tribe seems nice and at this point I’m still just hoping that we’ll all get as far in the game as possible at the expense of the more experienced players. I’m a little concerned because I haven’t really been party to any strategy talk yet; I think that’s just because no one has thought it necessary while we don’t have to go to tribal, but I’m still worried I might just be on the outs and not know it.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

I’m SCARED I’ve been out of the loop for TOO LONG. 

from what I've heard i am safe i won't be comfortable until i heard the votes not being all me. 

https://youtu.be/oX4-_QPoqNk

https://youtu.be/YviOufmjmps

My brand is having 4 minute confessionals

from episode 1 https://youtu.be/VqDkCGLTARU

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from episode 1 also https://youtu.be/mklfEHtGp04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9UqNr3fbiE

Jack voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

[bloojayoolie]

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#funny #lol #humor #memes #meme #memehumor #dank memes #funny pics #rolf #lmao #Af #Back to the Futur

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch. 2

Ch.2

DontCryDontCryDontCry

°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•°•○●○•

Y/n pov

First day at U.A. high. This is actually going to be so sick, think of all the boys and girls and weird quirks. Best of all I get to meet boom boom. Hopefully I don't do that thing where I think about him so much I forget we don't know each other, that would be embarrassing. 

I smile to myself as I approach the tall building with students flooding in and out. A couple of kids seemed to notice how strange I looked, I didn't have the uniform yet because my mother refused to let me have it. She told me I'd have to get it from her during school so she could show her students how dope her kid was. 

Not sure if I should be flattered though. Mom always compliments me like I actually did something to have the power I have. When really all I did was not die. Usually the interaction goes -

"Oh my god, honey you are so fucking cool, look how good you control your quirk, you train so hard!"

"Yea mom, it's crazy how after psychopaths try to breed you at ten years old you learn a thing or two about combat."

Then her face falls into a deadpan to cover her guilt and we move on. Sarcasm is honestly one of my all time favorite coping strategies. Like you can even make it better by not making any facial expression so people's minds are just fully fucked. 

My outfit couldn't feel more out of place right now, but I obviously notice the profuse blushing of boys and girls as I make my way through the halls of U.A. If my bestie was here I'm sure people would be fainting, since she makes a habit of dressing in fishnets and chains. I guess I could wear clothes like that but im tired most of the time. So if I don't have to dress up, I won't. 

However that doesn't mean I still don't look good. Well, at least I think I do...

This morning I was lazy so I just threw on Baggio black jeans, a cropped tee, and a baseball jersey that I got from when I flew with my dad to America. We watched the game together, but I kinda zoned out the whole time. Of Course I added a couple chains just in case I get to be on top of somebody. Hehe call that ✨funcional fashion✨

Dw of course I took a picture in the morning to post on insta and brag to my old friends about how I got out of that hell. 

I rushed in a door that said 1-b just before I heard a bell go off. The door shut behind me with a loud thud the second the bell stopped. That is one way to get attention, I guess. I didn't even care to take in the faces of the students in front of me. After all, I was only here for one reason. I skimmed the room trying to find that ominous glare, but to no avail. My first thought was that maybe he wasn't in class today. That was before I peeked out the window of the door and realized there were more than one hero classes here. 

If he is in the other class, I'll just have to be in there too. Is this stalking? Yes. Will it end badly? Probably yes. However, do I have anything to really lose? Nope. Not a single thing.

"Katsuki Bakugou." I figured I'd say it out loud with a Stern face, just to see if the teacher would be intimidated enough to take me to him. 

The teacher and the rest of the class visibly tensed at my stare, but apparently I wasn't intimidating enough. 

"Whatever business you have can be settled after class. Now, students, this is the newest addition to class 1-b y/n l/n."

"No."

"Pardos me Ms. L/n"

"I said no, im not gonna be an addition to your dumb class" I mocked him 

He then sent me a very odd face, in which he pursed his lips but simultaneously glanced at his students in fear. I suppose they might not be pleased at my rejection, but that's irrelevant. I'm not here for them. 

"Oh, so you think you're too good for us!? Huh?"

"Yes."

"Class 1-a scum can have you, you vial worthless, dumb, fat, stup-"

Some angry blonde kid was interrupted by an aggressive bonk on his head. I glanced to his side and made eye contact with a girl, she was quite pretty, but not prettier than boom boom. 

"Cool, okay so i'm gonna go to the other class then....sir?"

"Pft, you wish. Sit down. Now."

"I literally didn't ask dude...sir."

"Adding sir doesn't make what you're saying any less disrespectful, now sit down."

I pouted a bit in realization that he wasn't as dense as the police usually are. However that didnt mean I wanted to listen. Plus if I got in trouble, that might be even more fun. 

"Again. No." 

Suddenly I felt a hard push on my back, I fell to the floor and felt a foot pushed against my back. 

"Nooo.Mom, please. Not right now."

"I came here to teach historia you brat."

She took her other leg and swung it back, leaving all her body weight on my back. Then launched it forward to meet with my side just as she took her top foot off my back. I felt the contact of her boot on my bare side and felt the tingle of what I assume is pain rattle through my left side, to my right. Only to be cut off when a new sore of pain spread through my back. 

That was what I assumed was my body slamming against the front wall of the class. I kept my eyes clenched shut the whole time, only flinching the impact of the wall. I bounced right off and landed on the floor. 

"Yea...okay," I said between groans. 

*timeskip*

Lunch 

Midoriya pov 😗

It was finally lunch time after miss midnight taught us history. It wasn't my favorite subject, but I still look at pretty good notes. I'll be sure to read over them later in case we have a pop quiz or something. 

This lunch period is kinda more exciting than usual because I heard rumors that there is a new hero course student, and new additions don't happen often, so he is probably really good. 

After getting my food from lunch rush, I rushed over to my table where me, uraraka, iida, and todoroki sit everyday.

I plopped the food down onto the table and followed by sitting down and saying hi to my friends. It didn't take that long into their strange conversation about water volcanoes and cheese for me to zone them out in search of the new face. 

I don't really know everyone at U.A. that would be crazy. Still, I feel like I have enough knowledge to spot an obviously new face. Plus he is probably with the 1-b students right now. I scan over the whole lunch room, eager to say hi, but I don't see any new guys, or any new faces at all. 

Maybe the rumors were just rumors. That's really a bummed, I was hoping I could get yet another cool quirk to write about in my journal. 

Most of lunch was spent with my friends talking about weird things called memes (he calls them me me's) and me trying desperately to find the new guy. 

Until lunch was just about to end and in came a girl out of uniform, but she seemed to hold one in her hand. She looked fairly (tall/short) and had pretty (h/l) white hair. It seemed almost to glow as she walked in. To me the whole scene played slow motion, her hair bouncing up and down as she walked and the sports baggy jeans risking and falling. They teasingly revealed her belly button every other step as they lifted and sunk. 

I sorta wished she would have just put her uniform on because I feel pretty stupid for staring at her belly button. 

Her face was pretty too, catching the light above on her cheek bones(im sorry if u dont have prominent ones, just take out bones and leave it as cheeks) making her seem shiny.

I felt my face heat up uncontrollably before I felt a nudge on my thigh. 

"Hey deku, I heard that the new girl is actually a midnight daughter. She is in class b, and I guess this morning midnight kicked her against a wall." Uraraka whispered in my ear, loud enough for just the people at our table to hear.

Now that I think about it, everyone was whispering. 

"Midnight's daughter. Wahhh! Then she must have a quirk like midnights. If she does then it'll be hard for our classes to keep up with her. Midnights quirk is strong and considering the already rising testosterone level in the boys in 1st year, we could all-"

"Shut up you damn nerd"

I cut off my rambling and looked up to make eye contact with kachan. Why is he even over here? Is he here to beat me up? Or to get ochako? 

"Katsuki, that's not nice, plus he is right, what if she can seduce us."

Kachan only furrowed his brows, however me, iida, and even todoroki a little went red with the image in our minds. 

"Izuuukuuu"

"Baby, why do you keep looking at my belly button"

"Do you wanna show me how cool your quirk is"

"Nn Gg plus u-ultra"

Oh no. No. No. No. No. Well....wait. no. 

I took a quick glance back at the girl who had halted her movements. She seemed like she was frozen and had a big, wide smile plastered on her face. It was pretty cute. Like a little kid looking at candy. 

It almost felt like she was looking at me, but I didn't wanna wave, in case she wasn't. 

"Oh my, holy fuck, I knew this would pay off!!!!" She yelled, not even minding that the whole cafeteria now had eyes on her. 

She began running over to ...my table? Again it was slow motion, and again I kept looking at her stomach. I guess I don't see girls in short shirts often. I felt myself un-blush forcibly just for, you know, protection from bullies. 

"Boom boom, shit, I Promised I wouldn't do that. Fuck it. Hi, im l/n y/n and you are boom boom. Wait...."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING POOP YOU FUCKING EXTRA!"

My eyes can't pick who to look at and they keep going back and forth between the girl and kachan as they ....communicate. 

"No I called you boom boom." She dead panned 

"THE FUCK, YOU THINK YOUR CLEVER ON SUM SHIT?"

"Well, I am, and I do." Again the girl seemed completely serious. 

"WHO THE-"

"Wait, let's go back. You call people extras? Like in a movie, so then you think your the star."

"I AM THE FUCKING STAR YOU WORTHLESS PIECE O-"

"Babe, that's so much better! You're conceited too." She gushed 

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING BA-" bakugou almost launched forwards but ochako grabbed his arm to pull him back. 

"You are kinda loud, but I guess that makes sense. Hey! I know, tell me something about yourself"

"STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME!"

"Oh, my bad hon, go on." She looked up at him like...oh. He is the candy she was looking at. 

"Fucking hell, im not your babe or your hun, extra. I'm not telling you shit about myself. Fuck you think this is, the sharing circle?"

The girl didn't speak for a minute, her face was quick to go from anticipating, to confused. What was she confused about? 

"I have a new idea" she instantly had a change of aura and her serious face remained, with one eyebrow cocked. 

She lifted her hand and pointed a finger at bakugou, then slowly walked forward. 

"How. About. You. Tell me what you are sharing..." she winked "circle is." 

I noticed that Ochaco , who was now a coward behind the kachan , flushed red. I don't think she was for the same reason as everyone else though. I could tell she was trying to be angry, but seemed to be failing. Bakugou seemed to notice this too.

I wonder why this girl is flirting with him right now, and what was with that nickname. 

"H-hey. Um do you two know each other or something."

"No" they replied simultaneously. 

"I-um..huh?"

"Oh, right, my bad. Hi, I already introduced my name, but I should explain. You are the attractive fire quirk boy I saw at the sports festival. When I saw how angry you looked, and the fucking DOPE aura you gave off, I begged to get transfered here. Got in on recomendaciones so I could meet you." She said not seeming to care about how truly creep that all sounds. 

"THE FUCK, YOU STALKER!ILL KILL YOU!" kachan screamed, subtly grabbing onto his girlfriend's hand, I suppose an effort to comfort her without being 'nice' 

"Hm? Oh...yeah. Well, you could say I am like a stalker. However, for a stalker i'm very pretty, so if you could just ignore that..."

"YOU AREN'T PRETTY BRAT, GO SUCK A DICK AND GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Well, that is what I came to you for..." she, again, had a serious aura change and a cocked eyebrow, this time retracting her finger to put her hands in her pockets. 

"I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU SLUT" 

"Woah, woah, hey, calm down"

I get that he is trying to be protective, but calling a girl a slut is never okay. I wish I could fight back more, but it's not every hero- like to do so without talking first. 

"SHUT UP NERD" 

After that small exchange everybody's attention fell back to the girl. I think her name was y/n. She looked a bit defeated, I could tell she had a crush on kachan, even if it was small. Her face is blank but usually in situations like this girls get all...tears eyed and. Oh no. 

I stood up right next to her. 

"Dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry"

"Huh?" She looked over at me confused. 

"Dont cry?"

"Why would I cry?"

"Because he has a girlfriend" Ochaco  seemed to be making her way out from behind kachan, also a bit nervous for if y/n was to get sad. 

"Oh, uhm, I guess i'll just have to be the better person for him or something?" She ...asked herself.

"I've never done this before, but the look in your eyes has a fire behind it, and I wanna see it up close. I'm not gonna give up, we only spoke this once and that's definitely not enough." She made eye contact with him the whole time. Even stated her words like fact. Now, it may have just been me, but he almost smirked. 

"That's all, see you in class later!" In class? She is in 1-b? Did she transfer? 

Ochaco  was now side by side with bakugou looking furious at the new girl. While I eerily peeked up at him and his scary red eyes. They did a quick, up and down movement...I don't think anyone else could have seen it, but I did. Then he went down again and stayed there a bit, he was looking straight past me, so I turned. 

There I saw...the new girls butt! He? He checked out her- oh no. Why do I feel like this is the start of something terrible for me....

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Hello new readers, it is me...the autor. Anyone who is ready for this is my favorite bc I don't get many ready. Also sorry for the horny midoriya, if I'm making the characters not innocent, he isnt an exception lmao. 

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[tsurvivorbelize]

S88E1: “Her Name Is Actually Emily” - Kyle

The premiere of Tumblr Survivor 88: Belize takes 18 new castaways to the heart of the jungle and start their journey to become the newest Sole Survivor.

This episode covers DAYS 1 & 2. 

Honestly? I’m kinda loving this game. Everyone on my tribe seems really cool, and we’re seemingly working together well. Normally I enjoy some drama and getting my hands dirty a bit early on but based on first impressions with this tribe? I don’t think I’d mind if we all got our to merge- then again it’s just day 1, by day 10 I’ll probably be begging for a swap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efa-NmW_vnQ&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/RR37pTsKF-w

I'm already getting shady and good vibes .I'm worried already but I hope things can get better

I’m super excited, idk how I feel about my tribe...idk I feel like not many people I will connect with but imma have to fake it until I make it

So I just spent the past few hours talking to everyone on the tribe and nearly forgot we had a challenge 🤷‍♂️. So yeah, I don’t think anyone is going to peg me as the brains of any operation, and I’m starting to think maybe I need to be assigned the “Very easy” puzzle. That’s not because I forgot we had a challenge though, that’s just because I’m stupid.

So at this point there is 3 people in my tribe who already know each other! At this the 3 left in the tribe could join forces and force a tie, which I find very risky at this point, or we could just suck those 3 ass and try to be in the majority alliance with them.

Good afternoon (although the time right now is 7am in Belize so I guess good morning) from the lovely Minanha tribe, and holy shit. I know Survivors are based around luck, but lucking out on having two guys I've known for about 5-6 years on my tribe as immediate easy allies is fantastic. Spike, I met through Minecraft UHCs years ago, where I teamed with him in one of my first games and it was great, and Adam I met through an SMP server run by somebody you guys may all know, Bodhi/Goldcap, and then I basically introduced Adam to a bunch of my other friend groups. Through this, there's a beautiful time to be had for this tribe and I'm just infinitely hoping that Adam and Spike don't stab me in the spine.

Hey so first day or 2 in tribe has been good, I like everyone! It helps I know Katy and Spike but also like I don't want that to put a target on our backs, and it'd be unfair to just work with those I already know, I will do but if needed I can be ruthless. Hopefully we win this challenge and then see what happens, if it goes to tribal well, that's when it gets interesting.

Spike and Axe have both accidentally said racial slurs without realising they'd said racial slurs because they'd never heard of them before and they made them both by just combining my name with Spike's name. Oh no. This tribe is fucked and we're all gonna die.

https://youtu.be/xUvO_y05KNQ

MY FRIENDS ARE FIGHTING ABOUT BRIE LARSON NOOOOOOOOOO.

https://youtu.be/HlsfD_JvUrs

When the hosts make a comment about adding hosts to alliance chats, and you then assume it means that alliances have sprouted.......then you realize you had three people ask you to work together, but alliances typically consist of 3 or more people and include a chat with those people......... Then you realize that means the probability of people disliking you is high and you’ve solidified your first boot status 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Okay so my tribe is a pretty decent I guess. Brien Weber isnt the kind of girl I like to be honest. He betrayed me and I voted him out my last org so this should be fun! Emily talks like a robot too btw? My closest ally is definitely Kyle. We have a lot in common and he thinks i'm cute so it's easy to flirt with him to get on my side. Taylor and Scott arent bad either. I'm building my relationship to them- maybe they could potentially turn into future allies for me :)

I think im gonna vote matt cause he doesn't talk much

https://youtu.be/VIheM4S1IHw

- I can’t believe I looked at Cas’ photo and thought he was an old white woman....my bad

- Aaron is really starting to turn me off. He’s acting crazy about voting off David. I mean I’m finna do it so I’m not a target but I got my eye on him.

https://youtu.be/1qEEEchOOqM

- So a few of my friends decided to take a trek into these temples and came back out with punishments and disappointment. However my lucky self came out with a no vote pass to give away to someone else. So if someone gets testy and decides to be shady as shit, then I'll gladly revoke their voting privileges! :D

- I really like my tribe. I'm getting really close with some people too! Like Jarret, he's like my best friend in the game right now and always makes me laugh. Then  Brien is my drinking buddy, Olivia, I mean Emily is my fellow Michigander, Taylor is my comedy bud, and Scott is my strategy co-conspirator.

- Okay, I keep telling everyone I'm not tired, but I'm fucking tired. Being social is exhausting. I should let everyone hate me and not give a shit if I'm honest.

https://youtu.be/TWCyhqBxyG8

https://youtu.be/gWjLMsOGjvs

- So, as luck would have it, I'm the only person on my tribe who got 3 points from that puzzle challenge, but even that was real close against Brien from No Vaxx or whatever that tribe is called. I wasn't sure what kind of scores to expect from anybody in this game, as I'm used to people who tryhard the fuck out of challenges rather than just submit a semi-good score, and honestly... these scores still don't tell me much whatsoever. Probably just that I shouldn't underestimate the girl who can do a puzzle in 10 seconds.

-  Veni, who is my host chat friend I've invited in, has raised a hilarious point as well. In every Survivor I've ever played, whether Minecraft or Discord or Twitter, I've never been perceived as a challenge threat before. The closest I ever got was when I stayed awake for 40 hours to win immunity at merge. But with my score here, and being the only person to get 3 points on my tribe... what if I finally, after being shit in other Survivor challenges for years, end up being a challenge threat? Crikey crikey.

https://youtu.be/wWNdip6Vxpc

-  Skype's auto-responses make me wanna end it.

-  My previous 2 or so confessionals have been submitted as Day 2, I apologise profusely, but anyway... I wanna take a confessional to comment on the guys in the tribe I don't know from outside the game. Christian, Pietro & Gevonte. I've only just managed to speak to Gevonte today, she's been very much busy and inactive but hey, she's here now and very fun to speak to. We've spoken a fair bit about the differences between FB & Discord Survivors, since neither of us have played Tumblr Survivors before (I think???), and with her inactivity I thought she was a sure fire easy first boot for the tribe, but now I'm not so sure. Pietro is a darling as well, and seems to be pretty much the exact same as a mutual me, Axe, Spike & Veni all have called Kaz, who's also from Brazil. Speaks very much the same as Pietro does, they both have the same mannerisms and same level of likeability and ease to speak to, and I think Pietro is a fun ally as well. And then there's Christian. Don't get me wrong, Christian is also very pleasant, very kind and clearly a lovely person to interact with, but when I compare them to my interactions for the first time with Gevonte or Pietro, they're much more... I guess the optimal word would be awkward to speak to. Maybe they're just not good with new people, maybe it's me and my Asperger's being weird, or maybe there's just not good chemistry between us, but I do value Christian, but at this point, based off nothing else because there's nothing else to base it off, I'd choose Christian as the tribe's goat, and the tribe's easy boot moving forward. Then again, I could just back stab Spike ^w^

I’m very concerned for Olivia. Everyone has now been in the talks of alliances, and her name is the only one that hasn’t been mentioned, and that’s not even because her name is actually Emily. They just haven’t brought her up. She’s such a sweetie though, so I really hope she gets some free time to do some more talking.

-  Okay let’s chat. My tribe...pretty lame. David is basically inactive. Cas has the personality of cardboard so far. Jay is actually cool. AARON IS THE MOST. He’s constantly sending me voice messages which idk why it irritates me but it does. Just message me dude. And he is so paranoid! He thinks everybody is always trying to cheat. Idk...where I come people play for fun and don’t aggressively cheat or maybe that’s just me. He’s pressed about not being able to talk cross tribal (dumb). AND he aggressively wants David out because he’s worried since David knows Madison he might log on to her phone or she might leak info to help him cheat. Boy bye. I’m not going to do anything about him yet because the beauty of being in a new community is I can play dumb like idk what I’m doing and I’m really trying to capitalize and act wholesome. Yikes when the confessional comes out 😅. But oh well. I’m just going to let Aaron explain how to play to me and coast through until I can reach Gevonte who will be my for real ride or die.

-  Madison is pretty.

Tumblr Survivor: Belize, condragulations, you are the winner.

So it's been almost a full round and.... I'm only JUST now talking to most of my tribe lmfaoo. Skype is so weird. Just it being on a different platform makes socializing weird for me. Because I have to remember skype exists. On top of that, everyone else on the tribe seems not all that talkative in and of itself. Granted I know I wasnt tosking all that much either, but since we're safe I need to spend the next few days making connections or else I'm just gonna be another nameless flop. And I've done TOO much of that on FB as it is!

Day 2 and everyone has gone mad already, talking about drag queens and other pop culture stuff.

https://youtu.be/uYl2b48z5GA

https://youtu.be/da7YR2Uz08A

Why does Christian keep asking me about my toilet?

#episode #confessionals

[celestialallstars]

Episode #13: “baaa louder.” - Zach

So after that tribal I feem good and bad. On one end, I think it was the best case for me to use it for vote reveal and it showed Bryce/Zach up, Rhys is out and yeah. On the other, I regret voting Rhys out now because it will give Michael and Chloe an excuse to force rocks in F8 unless some serious minigames are done. SO I am going to ask Michael/Chloe to F3 maybe? Not sure yet but I think now if I ever do reach the end, I am gonma probably use this vote as a reason to win since I feel if I didnt make the decision to say anything, I would have possibly left. AND everyone got exposed? Miss me on that revote

girl im going home

so tribal happened and like. period. it was really sad + like i love rhys and seeing him go was upsetting, but like.. it's the game. no hard feelings! but i'm so frustrated with so many people. it's less of the game but more of how they acted, and thats why bryce and i snapped and leaked literally every little thing we know. like my issues were like... chris' main point was vilifying bryce & i for targeting him, but like, that happened AFTER loris slept. and??? they had a plan since i lost immunity to split on bryce/rhys. like yeah be mad at me for the shadiness of the mitch vote per se (albeit it not being super shady imo), but like... call that out initially. don't act like im in the wrong for the vote TONIGHT when the alliance was always so cliquey. then chloe got... idk. arrogant? like i snapped at her (wrongly so) but my annoyance with her is not deep, its just that she is like 'oh yalls voted me' but its like... ok. we thought you leaked. and even if you didnt (which she didnt), they legittttt WERE VOTING BRYCE ANYWAY LIKE . IT DOESNT MATTER. STOP VICTIMIZING YOURSELF. YOU WERE SHADY YOURSELF. but i cant be too mad because they didnt know about the 8 person alliance (supposedly) and i suppose with the info they DID have, they made a good decision. though still dumb i hate it but its my fault too who cares im perfect. jared is just so slimey. and stephen like??? saying 'i said to u dont fk me and you immediately snitch to bryce' BUT YOU HAD A PLAN TO BLINDSIDE ME AND MY ALLIES LIKEEEE STOP JUST SAY YOURE SNAKEY. LIKE IM OPENLY SNAKEY. ILL SAY IT. BUT DONT VILIFY ME???? HELLO?? like its the pot calling the kettle black.

i'm overdramatic just because im IN the mood to go off. or, was. i snapped (wrongly so) tonight. i want anyone who reads this to know its not personal and i love all of u dearly but . im frustrated and i want a good edgic rating LOL

loris frustrates me because he legit is a goat. he can deny that all he wants but there is a literal 0% chance i vote him at this rate to win. i dont know why. he just.. isnt playing for himself. whats NEW. jk... love u. IM JUST frustrated.

on good news, i got a super idol. period. aint telling anyone. like i love bryce but i dont want him to expect me to use it on him because . it wont be good for my game. im playing for myself and myself only. like... period. tho i hope him and i can manage to survive a bit but i dont think thats likely.

im not reviewing this i just am writing whats in my feelings so its more authentic LOL

anyway this game was super fun. despite being stressful and straining, the call was super enjoyable and this org has been one of my favs, and this night has made it sm better. so period. no regrets, just faggotry.

________________________________________________________________

i'm a flop.

Everything seems so messy tonight. Rhys has approached me about me, him, Michael, Bryce nd Zach workin together but like... they seemed so actively against me sooooo idk what's going on there it feels like a trap. They suggested doing Chris which does kinda sound real but that could be part of the trap idk im very nervous. I just kinda said I would go along with the plan but I don't really intend to do that. I don't think Chris is the move for me this round, Rhys doesn't speak to me which is why I'm also nervous the alliance came from nowhere. To my knowledge the votes are gonna be split 3-3-3 in case of an idol, which I hope gets flushed. Idols make me nervy. Hell I didn't even know Jared had an idol that fucking snake, but it's fine cause he played it on me.

(((((aj note --- this confessional above is obviously from last round but its 2am and i want to go to sleep so idk))))))))

________________________________________________________________

Last night was an absolute mess and I feel I missed a lot of what went on so I need to watch the post tribal live stream to see if I can try to make more sense of what went down. So far I gathered Jared is a snake, we been knew and Bryce is a leaker. However the leaking shit got pinned on me YET AGAIN. WHY THE FUCK DO THESE BITCH ASS HOES KEEP PINNING SHIT ON ME. FUCK U BRYCE

I just, everything's a mess. All the alliances i doubt are going to work, Jared isnt long for this game, me or Stephen may follow him out, and the rest will likely see some combo of Loris/Michael/Chloe in the end. I dont know, suddenly feeling hopeless about all of this and like, pretty unhappy at the moment. I knew it would be hard but like I literally am struggle to have clear thoughts and with this and outside life factors I'm just feeling lost at the moment.

hi i'm less mad so ignore my above confessional LOL. thank u for tuning in.

except u loris. baaa louder.

Whew hunny last night exposed a lot of fake ass bitches but we really been knew they’re fake. I’m feeling confident about the next few rounds because I think people see myself and Chloe as numbers and people they need to bring on board to make plans work. Part of my strategy this game is to sit back and let the bigger players come in and try and make the big moves everyone wants to feel like they’re making a difference and everyone wants to build their resume by making big moves and as long as I can maintain my threat level I think I’ll be safe and I can have a bit of Influence in the game as people scramble for my vote.

WELL! That was an interesting tribal!

Shortly before tribal, it came out that a secret group of 5 was made to blindside Chris. (Zach/Bryce/Rhys/Michael/Chloe)

I obviously didn't want that to happen, and neither did Chris or Jared. Bryce leaked it to Jared, and Jared told me and Chris. I made the INDEPENDENT decision to confront Zach about this, because I'm not asking for permission to make moves sorry. The only issue is that Zach immediately went to Bryce, even though I asked him not to fuck me. Bryce went to Jared and Chris, and they went back to me. WELP! That just hurts my strategic relationship with Zach even more than the vote already would have.

Chloe and Michael were doing what they could to keep the votes off Chloe, luckily, my move with Zach ensured that they failed! WOO!

I don't want to make the same mistake as Matt though. I may have a decent majority now, but I don't want to burn my bridges with Zach and Bryce. I stayed out of the drama last night (mostly) and I'm gonna keep talking game with them. I might not be able to fully repair things totally but I'm confident I can do better than the other 5.

I'm gonna go over my relationships with the remaining castaways since there's finally a small enough number for me to feel like doing that:

Chris: My closest ally, we tell each other basically everything. I'm worried about going to Final Tribal with him though. He's played well in every facet of the game and literally won "Who do you want to see win" in Touchy Subjects. If I don't get a chance to take him out at the end, I think I can mount a strong argument against him. but I'd only feel comfortable making that move if I was already immune and definitely going to Final Tribal.

Jared: My second(?) closest ally, though I now know he has kept a TONNNN of secrets from me and on top of that he's a threat to win. Luckily, with all the info coming out from last round, I don't think I'll need to worry about Jared being at Final Tribal.

Loris: With Rhys gone, Loris has officially taken the title of "person I kinda wanna maybe side with but he's talked about voting me out so we're not cool". I kinda wanna weaken Bryce and Zach (or maybe vote them both out) before taking a shot against him, I just hope he doesn't realize I know he's after me until it's too late.

Michael: I really don't know where I stand with Michael LMAO! He voted with us last round but never informed us about the plan to get Chris out. He said he was "going to" but I don't believe that for a second. In fact, I think if Chris hadn't revealed what Bryce had leaked there's a chance he may have gone through with it.

Chloe: I kinda love Chloe. I wish I never accidentally turned the majority alliance against her. She's fun to hang around with AND someone I think I could beat in the end. It's like a win-win. Except I don't think she wants me anywhere near the end.

Zach: Out of the 3 people out of the loop at the last vote my relationship with Zach was the strongest. That having been said, neither of us were really sharing much information with each other after Mitch left and I feel like there's really not much further we can go together. Him and Bryce are both good options to be targeted at this vote.

Bryce: While I've personally known it for quite some time, for Bryce to outright say he didn't want to me in an alliance with me is kind of the most red a red flag can be. If I have it my way, Bryce will be the next person voted out. Granted, I'm saying all of this before immunity results and real strategic talks can begin, so my mind might change, but it's not likely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPS6OykNvh0 its so sad im going home tldr: im gone chris can say 1000 words but if they all mean nothing whats the point. jared ruined  my trust in people forever. chloe is a goat hypocrite who aggravates me. stephen is alright not good not bad. rhys is my king and im so sad hes gone i legit love that man. zach is fake. michael is annoying. loris is being a goat but who cares. omg me taking 0 blame for anything bad that happened to me? more likely than u think!!

hi! so. I think I can win this game. my intentions for a while have been to get out someone I don’t see working with personally, rhys, and then attempt a flip on jared/stephen. i also very much have wanted to turn on Chris because I believe me and him are playing similarly in that we have positioned ourself well into the middle, and going to the end with someone who’s basically played the same game but more well-polished is not a good idea! i wanted to get myself this immunity so that I could talk to people about flipping without risk of being ratted and then voted out, which was almost what happened to chloe last round. im also starting to become aware of how me never attending tribal is making me fall under the radar in a way?? everyone is fighting each other and arguably making situations worse for themselves by giving an answer straight away, for example, bryce declaring his f2 with Jared in the call. though people can still slander me while I’m not there, what they say cannot be dwelled on for too long because I’m not there, putting me in a more favourable position than some of the other people here? I think? that someone said that I was playing the middle last tribal council and well.. they’re right so oops.

my ideal path to the end would be stephen and jared leaving the next rounds, and then Chris, although the order does not concern me right now. then I would be at final 5 with Bryce zach chloe and michael and then whoever isn’t immune out of bryce and zach can be voted out. perry. and then I’m gonna have to pray to god I win final immunity OR Michael or Chloe do but like that doesn’t feel likely to me. AND THEN I WIN!!!

ALSO. im in the final 7. I just need to survive one more round and then I’m guaranteed final 5... because no way in hell im playing that legacy on someone  else.. I am not letting THAT happen again.

Me nd Michael been talking, nd we’ve wanted to make a move for a bit now but crazy shit keeps happening. We needed to take down Rhys and break up the Rhys/Bryce/Zach trio so Bryce nd Zach are more useable. Now we planning on flipping on Jared/Chris/Stephen. My current target would be Jared because as much as I trust him and adore him I think he’s definitely running this bitch. Then Loris decides he also wants to flip nd he tells Michael that he wanted to exclude me but JOKES ON U LORIS I WAS ALREADY PLANNING ON FLIPPING U DUMB FUCK. Which was kinda obvious he was planning on excluding me cause Zach and Michael both messaged me about it and I knew Loris was involved in the flipping but he hadn’t messaged me about it sooooo. Don’t test me Loris I’ll make u be voted next.

_______________________________________________________________

#FuckLoris

_______________________________________________________________

GRIT YOUR TEETH, PULL YOUR HAIR, PAINT THE WALLS BLACK AND SCREAM FUCK THIS CAST CAUSE ITS MY GAME AND IM GONNA TAKE IT BACK 

So tonight the plan me chloe and loris are sailing to the majority alliance that voted together last time is that the votes will be spilt. And they will be but we won’t be joining we will be switching to Jared and eliminating the biggest threat in the game at this point. From there I’m thinking of flipping to take out zach or Bryce and continuing on the game switching to control the power in the game.

_______________________________________________________________  

Part of the beauty of this move to blindside Jared is that a lot of the blame for the flip is shared amongst both Chloe and Loris paired with Bryce and Zach being bigger threats means that my name will most likely still be out of peoples mouth I just have some major damage control to do to stop Stephen/Chris teaming up with Zach/Bryce and creating a 4-3.

A lot has happened.

Bryce and I's F2 imploded because of me, and even though we reconciled today I don't think I can truly work with him again. Best I can do is try to secure his jury vote.

I have deals with Stephen Chris Michael and Chloe, Loris will hopefully fall by the wayside next round.

The plan this time was to get Michael onside in PMs and gauge his interest for voting out Zach, reinforcing the "this is our shield strategy." He did the work from there. Yeet!

________________________________________________________________

Jared is voted out 5-2-1. He becomes the fifth member of our jury.

Watch Jared’s exit interview take place below:

#episode #shinebright

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 9 “That Damn Demagorgon” Pippa

[gif]

ok so I was close 8-4 against Isaac but Tommy got the other 4 votes.... idk what they were thinking targeting Tommy....like yes he needs to go, but did you really expect to be able to get votes on him right now?? I'm just happy my ladies Sarah and Brian escaped unscathed lmfaooo!

LISTEN UP MCFUCKERS! im pissed as hell! Isaac did not deserve this. AT. ALL. PERIOD. If alex didnt hardcore defend sarah this entire fucking day, we prob would've been a little more aligned. If trace (actually i forgive trace bc we barely talked) and kendall (that damn demagorgon) and johnny (YOU ARE NOT ISAAC, ANDREW, AND I'S KIDS ANYMORE. YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU'RE ROTTEN) had not been up everyone's asses about saving their asses, everything would've been fine. BUT NO. NO ONE KNOWS TRIBAL FUCKING LOYALTY. NO ONE. SCREW ALL OF YOU. this is like bb19 where all of you are so stupid to not vote sarah (paul) out or tommy (also paul) because they offer you friendship. oh and the india alliance is so fucking obvious, get over yourselves

HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!!!!!! I'M ****SHOOK**** THAT WENT THE WAY IT ENDED UP GOING JDAFKVLABDNFJKLVNFADLJKVNJKLADNVKJLADNVKLJADFLJKVNAJKLAD To be completely honest, I'm not happy at all that Isaac is gone, but it just needed to happen because I needed to show Alex a lesson, and I know it may have hurt Andrew and Pippa a bit, but if I can work it to the best of my abilities, then we have a real shot at only taking down Villains from here on out, and I think the possibilities are endless. I also got kicked out of the alliance chat I had with Isaac (who left), Kendall (who left), Andrew, Drew, Pippa, Alex C. and me (who got booted), so now I know that alliance is down to four and Kendall and I abandoned ship so LUL More importantly, I have a pretty good position on my tribe and every single tribe member has a good level of trust with me, which I'm content with, and now I think we have a VERY strong potential to win this immunity challenge, but looking at that it's flash, I'm thinking the brains are going to go back to tribal, which will hopefully knock Jonathan out of the game. I wanted Music Videos at this point, but we get what we get and we don't get upset. Even though we're the beauty tribe, I think we have the strongest tribe by far. No offense to some, but Kage and Ashton are not too great at challenges, especially doing horribly in their original seasons, but I know Drew, Steffen and Dom are fucking all stars, so we'll see how it weighs out. I think our tribe is mad strong and we could be looking towards our first W as a tribe after this challenge. Time to devote my life for the next 22 hours to this challenge. Finally, I'd like to commend a RIP to Isaac. True friend, just a casualty *blows three fingers into the air*

These heroes know about each other's personal lives way too much....if I'm going to survive here I need to be REALLY inventive REALLY fast because I can't build a bond like that in a matter of a week.... I'll just have to use brute strategy and logic to convince them to keep me. I mean, right now, I'm clearly much, much more valuable than Kage so hopefully they'd at least keep me over him. After that, I could probably stick with Steffen and paint Drew as a big individual threat. From there, we could either help protect him, thus gaining his support, or make a campaign against him to Ashton and Dom. The latter seems risky though considering Ashton and Dom hardly speak to me.... If Drew can't be painted as a big target, my next best bet is to prove my worth over Ashton....cuz it seems Drew/Steffen/Dom know each other quite well so they'll be no chance in breaking that and I'd rather be at the bottom and alive than voted out so.....

So after talking to Pippa, it seems that she's in A LOT of trouble, and she is definitely not happy with my move against Isaac, and honestly, I expected her to be the one that was most upset with the move. The way she was talking to me was almost like ".......... okay what do you want me to do now?" Like she was saying how everything I was saying WASN'T getting shut down, but literally it was, and I was looking to better my position to get to merge, and then essentially just going with the flow and figuring it out from there. Essentially, I think I'm in a good position in my tribe, but I am pretty sure that Sarah is very likely to target me next, but I've got my second chance idol if I go back to tribal council, so I should be okay. I'm just going to have to finagle my way around this and figure my way out of this swap, but I also do think that Kendall won't target me immediately because it just doesn't make sense for her. I'm almost willing to cut anyone on my tribe, except Trace, to survive to merge. It might have to be Brian, even though voting for Brian won't work out too well for my whole Steffen/Crow/Brian/I thing, but oh well. I gotta stay safe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

asfoajshfoqhrqototbie wubgwbgw; literally me having Sarah throw just gave me immunity and let me avoid 17th place as royalty Cirie Fields once said if ya cant beat them with dem biceps u can beat them with dem brains! (yet I'm a brawn but thats fine.....) Now if I could somehow scheme Junior out of this game cross-tribally hmmmmmm!

Just being here this season https://68.media.tumblr.com/401f8e72df04c376c8d989cdf135f514/tumblr_orehgfDnfj1t8a71ko1_500.gif

Okay since the truel is coming up and there might be the possibility of it being a double tribal, I know I need to get the ball rolling on the strategy. I hope I can bank on Steffen helping me out since we have the connection of me, him, Johnny, and Brian. Kage is too chaotic for me to feel good about having on my side Dom never talks to me nor responds much....Ashton is giving me no vibes of wanting to play with me So I'm working on Drew right now because I feel that if him AND Steffen both see the pros of keeping me, I'll survive at least the first vote-off we have.... Here's to hoping my sarcasm and charm actually work..... =)

I could go on a whole mess about why I'm pissed about Isaac going but I'll just sum up because I'm trying to move past it. I'm hurt. Johnny and Kendall hurt me. I see why everyone did it other than Kendall, and I really think she's just throwing this whole thing to Sarah. I almost pity Kendall but then can see her getting far. Not winning - but getting fat. And that's something that's seeming less and less like a possibility for me while I'm on this brain tribe that was fucked from the start. This is why a beauty had to go. So now we're moving forward. Last night, I called Junior and I think we're gonna try working together on this. Jonathan wants out Pippa but Junior and I discussed taking out Alex. Which? Is fine. Our relationship is just too strained. But the problem is - his chickenshit ass is probably playing the brawn idol tonight. So Pippa and I might just have to vote Jonathan. But I need Alex to not play that idol. That could be a disaster. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE ASHTON GAVE ME THE FUCKING REHIDDEN BRAIN IDOL. So obviously I have to play one of these tonight bc I'm not going home with 2. Everyone's kinda offline rn so I'll check in with everyone a little later. I just wanna survive this brain tribe. Even if I have to take out a hero, or Pippa. Fuck the tribal lines at this point. After being preached to for 18 days about "hero strong" I didn't really have reason to question it but obviously people are going to be selfish, and I wanna be too. Sorry if that makes me a POS ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but if we keep losing and I'm still here I'm gonna have to be

#returnrevengeredemption #confessionals

[bloojayoolie]

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They're just ike yes, that is exactly what at human sclentists are lke in my experience THE ONLY REASON SOOTTY IS CHIEF ENGINEER INSTEAD OF SOMEONE BECAUSE EVERYONE FROM THOSE SPECIES TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE E ROOM AND RAN AAY vuican scienoe academy: why do you need another warp core humans were going to plug two of them bogetmer and see if we go twice as a last time we gave you a warp core you threw t into a sun to see if the sun eould go twice as fast humans hanana yean humans it did ho humans it exploded twice as fast love this. Especially because of now wel it plays wn my headcanon that the Federation does so mach better against the Borg than anyone ebe because beating the Boig with mirary tactics is nigh-impossbie, but beating tem with ล2cky superscence shenangns works as long as they're anoue wacky. Reminos me of the thing I wrote a while back about Humans in hign tantasy realms they're basicaly Team Fuck iR Hold My Beer1 Gat This Impulsve, passionate to a fauit, the social structures they build 1o try and reguiate this hetheadedness ironicaly creanes even greater levels of sheer bul headedness Even theit cooler heads take acien in months or weeks All their great heroes of the past were impossibly rash by galactic standards Humans Just Go with It, which is their grear fnlaw but also their grearest strength ingon okay we dont get t vuican science academyget whar ngons: you vakcans are a bunch of stufy prisses but youre also tougher tranger, and smarter than humans in every single way dingons: wny do you let them run your federation vican scoence academy: this is a species where t yeu give them bwo warp cores they dont do experiments on one aro save me r Tor if The first one ican science academy: this is a species where yeu give them bwo warp core6. they ask tv a 1hid one. mmediately plug anthree nto each other, punch a hole into an altemate universe where humans subscribe to an even mare destnuctive ideological system, font everyone in it because they re ofended by that, steal meir warp cores plug those together, punch their way back here, then try to turn a nearby sun into a torus because thatwas what ther nital scienatic experiment was for and they diont want to waste a trip ican scoence academy: they did hat last week we have the wite-up right here its geting pubished in about six hundred scienific journais across to hundred diferent discipines because otf how many estabiished theories their ndculous tthe expedion has just cated ino question also they d burn that sun into a torus, and no one achualty knows haw vuican sdence academy: this is why we let them do whatever the hel they ngon can we be a part of your tederaion Come to think ot Imean. Look at the rst human warp drve" thing in the movie. That was Not howVulcans would have done it you know what the best evidence for this is? Deep Space 9almost never broke down, minor maftunctiong that irnitated OBrien to hel and back sure b atmost none ot the truty weind she hat betell voyager and al the starshps Enterprise wrat was the ล"dest matunnon DS9 ever had?the senior staf getting trapped as holosuite characters in Our Man Base, and that was because θ numan decided topst dump the transponer buter more stations coe memory and hope everying wouis work out semehoK Wich is a bit ihe swapping your computer's hand drive out for a memory card trom a PlayStation 2 and expecting to be able to play a game af Spyto the Dragon wth your eyboard and mouse ou knaw what Im not done with this post let's talk about the Pegasus. the USS Fuckng Pegasus, testhed for the fest Stareet cloaking device. here we have a hananuil af humans working in searet to develap a dloaking device in vielaion of a treary with the Romulans theyre playing catchup trying to develop a technology other species have had for a cenhury and what do they do? do they decide to 0°cate a Romuun coakingdevice precisely, jst see at t while we're builaing our very first one of these nings, just to find out if this s passible, lets see if we can mave hs in phase us out of normal space so we can fy threugh pianets white we're invisible ut why saia the one vuican in the room Decause that would fueking rule said he humans igh-tving each other and siamming cans of 24-cenbury Ried Bul thene must be ie twenty dfferent counseling groups for non-human engineering students at Starfeet Academy and every week in every single one of them someone walks in and starts up wth a story ike our assignment was 1o repair a phaser eitier and y one haman classmate buit a chronometrio- x toaster that toast MacGuyver" is the equivalent of Vuican vintage human hormor television. roachpatral during onentaton at hran colege. wkas are presented with a Bt of what is ue word tick, for," we innocent young vucans want 10 know. "surety. modifers yeah, yourd thnk so say the weary, jaded vulcan psoessors your'd realy there is a phrase in lcan for the particuler moment you understand what the weed tuck'is for This is why the Pederation is the only organsation to ever stand a chance The Borg can adapt to the trillant mitary strategies of the Romulan Star Empine, the Kisgons and even the cold logical inberectual prowess of the The Barg werent prepared for a starship captain to lure them into his Srs no detective holo-novel and then machine gun them to dear with a weapon made out af hard light

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