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mysticdragon3md3 · 1 year

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I think one of my favorite fanartists blocked me.

I can't reblog their fanart post. And though the Tumblr algorithm suggests their blog to me and suggests other posts which have reblogged their art, whenever I try to go to their blog or their original posts, Tumblr says there's nothing there. Google says this is one of the few ways to tell if you've been blocked on Tumblr.

Feel sad, but I can't blame them. I am a weirdo, and post some very strange rants and reactions. I've even disagreed with a lot of the fanon in my current OTP. They _should_ protect themselves from my weirdness.

Trying not to dwell on it. Many times, my anxiety has made me paranoid that a fandom community I loved/respected was shunning me. Thankfully, time proved my anxiety and paranoia wrong. But now it looks like I've found a case where it was true. It's just fortunate that by now, I've already felt so disconnected from my OTP's fandom that I don't feel as sad as I've felt before when I was simply paranoid about these same things. Odd. But i guess it's easier to take being blocked, vs finding angry posts about me.

But this once again makes me sad that I got out of Persona 5 fandom and into FE3H instead. P5 fandom was so nice and felt like a community. ...But it's probably my whiney posts like this, complaining about being caught into FE3H fandom, that would likely make anyone block me.

But how would anyone even find my whiney posts anyway? I don't use common tags. And I'm fairly certain almost all my Followers are bots. I've always treated my blog like no one was Following. The one time someone went through my blog to read posts with uncommon tags, it was after we had gotten into a back and forth reblog conversation. But I've never chatted with the fanartist who likely blocked me.

I wonder what I did wrong. Maybe I said something stupid in my reblog tag posts. Sometimes I forget that they can be read and I write tag comments mostly for me alone. Then I remember other people can read them and I quickly change it, hoping no one saw it. I still regret that time I rambled about some random personal memory of mine, in reblog tags on andrew's adorable dimiclaude fanart. I started ranting about how my cousin would always complain to me about how he ended up making an elaborate drawing on lined paper instead of nice sketch paper, because he thought he was just doodling, each time he started. Then I would always have to chide him into remembering to stop doodling on lined paper and just doodle on blank paper each time, because he'd never know when his doodles would turn elaborate. The way our conversations like this went, it seemed like my cousin was always baiting me into chiding him about it. Maybe that was "empathizing/sharing his frustration with himself", by hearing it externalized through me too. Then I realized that maybe if andrew saw my reminiscing tag comments, he might think I was chiding him for not drawing on nicer paper or something. Even though his paper doodles were just as lively and beautiful as his digital art! ;o;! I quickly changed those tag comments and hoped he didn't see them or thought they were addressed to him. I still wonder if I should DM an apology to andrew. I haven't seen him post to the OTP tag in a long time. ;_; I do say a lot of dumb stuff that would get me understandably blocked. ;_;

Everyday, I am reminded why I purposefully avoided having friends in real life. I just screw up every single interaction. ;_;

But practically speaking, I really should stop posting my every thought and reaction, at least in tag comments. I'd feel kind of wrong if I didn't post whatever I wanted, even my stupid reactionary thoughts, to my own blog, after for so long I advocated for making your blog for you, vs being too self-conscious about your Followers. I definitely have become more wary of stopping myself from writing long comments in reblog tags, like I used to. I've taken steps already. But maybe I should scale back a little bit on using my blog like my private journal. I've been writing my every thought as a post through Tumblr mobile, ever since my laptops have had problems, and I couldn't journal on them. But the thing is, I'm posting about things related to my experience of my fandoms, and recording all that is what my Tumblr blog is for. At least, for me. Again, if Windows Explorer was better at searching files, maybe I'd keep more of my thoughts in my private offline journals, like I used to. But Tumblr's search is just too good and it seems like a much more complete record of my fandom experience. I don't want to give up writing what I want on my blog. If Tumblr could search Private posts, I'd make more of my posts Private. Until then, I am doing what I can: I use unique tags now; I hide most text under a cut. I've done what I can. If someone is going to search through my blog anyway and feel off-put by my weirdness, blocking is all they can do too.

It really is weird that I'm not more broken up about this. Previous fandom experiences have had so much of my emotion invested in it, and my anxiety had my paranoia into overdrive, and any negativity set off my over-sensitivity to the extreme. Well, at least there's this one advantage to the fandom disconnection I've been lamenting for a while.

Maybe it's good to be reminded to not be so dependent on fandom community. Fandom community is really nice and it's fun, but all my enjoyment shouldn't be dependent and so fragile as to fall apart at any slight disagreement. After all, my experience of FE3H fandom has almost reverted back to how I used to experience fandom, back when I'd enjoy a series by myself and never interact with anyone about it. I'd write fanfics for myself and draw fanart for myself, and never show anyone. And I was having fun. I can't really lament feeling disconnected in FE3H fandom, when even enjoying it virtually by myself, is still fun in those same old lone ways. (With the exception of a few regular positive interactors from the fandom, and enjoying everyone's fanart, fics, and discussions, as a lurker. Thanks, everybody. You're so nice. ^_^ )

#wandering in the dark #processing thoughts #fandom #fe3hfuukasetsugetsu #KhalidMitya #social anxiety #tags #blog #personal fandom records #reactions #in this edition of gawd do i ever need therapy #lrb~lrt #fandomfrictionfracas

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cynicalrecoverysociety · 2 years

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I've been editing my experiences so much and honestly it has improved my mental health by a lot. I have done it slowly so I didn't realize how different it is now but I basically live in a different world from the one I used to. I am going to share the things I did to turn my internet into a single player game made just for me, and maybe it will help your mental health too!

I downloaded an add on that turns off all comments on basically everything, I turned off tracking on everything I could and reset my phone's ID every week or two so ads are now hilariously random (I know there are still trackers/cookies everywhere but it really does do a lot in terms of ads at least), I have slowly stopped buying from places like Amazon and shien, I block everyone and everything and I have content filters on anything I do. I no longer mindlessly scroll and if I get bored I either read a random Wikipedia page or play minesweeper or other minimalist games (hard ban on phone games with micro transactions). Hard ban on Reddit and other social media. Hard hard hard ban on any comment section, no matter what there will always be something there to piss you off and that is by design. I have also recently changed how I interact with Tumblr and it made me feel way better. No "mandatory" daily stuff and nothing too raw, I genuinely feel the the act of being observed will change the experience so I feel that raw stuff needs to be private (for me) lest I edit my own thoughts for the consumption of others no matter how minor. And finally, anonimizing myself everywhere possible. No face pics, no real names, burner emails and usernames. I know this one especially is not for everyone but removing that connection to myself was very freeing. I was able to say and do things without worrying about how it might impact me if someone saw, and more importantly for me, it freed me of an avenue of unhealthy external validation. I used to find myself very hung up on pictures I would post of myself and feel bad if I didn't get a certain reaction and even posting pictures because I thought they would get a good response or not posting ones I thought no one else would like. I think that comes from a lack of self esteem I have and I found that removing myself from that kind of scrutiny let me find confidence in myself and my appearance again.

So yeah! I know it's kinda rambling but over the course of the past year or two I've really started to find the boundaries that serve me and it turns out all that stuff was, to put it lightly, a complete vibe killer. There was a lot of other stuff I did for mental/physical health that also really helped but my online experiences were a shockingly huge part of that. It took a long time to get here but I really like it. I don't compare half as much, I'm much more mindful of my time, my self talk is better, and I have a lot more confidence in myself. I hope that if you read this far you find a tip or two that might help you! Good luck on your journey!

#mental health #fitspo #fitspiration

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stick-named-figure · 1 year

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somewhat long winded and ramble-y musing below the cut. tenuously related to ava but mostly personal.

i think another reason that ava/m (ava especially of course) appealed to us so much is that it's very obviously an interaction between art and the artist. And also creation and creator (which is a separate but similar category) which is something that I've craved in works for a very long time but only recently really came to that realization through trying to see why AVA stuck around with me for so long.

I think it's this sort of idea that art says something about a person (Which is not an invitation to try and make statements about me from my art by the way) but the emotions I try to throw out through art.

This post kind of materialized because I was thinking about whether I should tag my self shipping art as AVM ships, since of course my sona is not canonical [citation needed]. I then figured that blocking the tag "sona" would accomplish the same effect, since I have no real intention of drawing said sona outside of self ship art.

And then I started thinking, this sona exists only in relation to another. I am someone who has had sonas in the past that were very much individual from others (as in had no prerequisite others to include for their existence in art) but Eve, as a sona and a self, exists as a necessity for others. My canonical pronouns are not known but Eve's (sona) are meant to match King's.

(Because I'm about to just start saying things, I have to mention that I'm well aware my relation to identities [especially my own] is not the average experience).

Along these lines I've also realized that the rest of my self perception is primarily built out of the way I am experienced by others, and thus my self is then a group project. This is reminiscent of egregores but I can only read so much on occultism before I start seeing conspiratorial lines of thought that trouble me. However, the point remains that I perceive myself as non-human but rather than in a "diminutive" manner (such as common things as animals or small things) it's in more of an abstraction of behavior and perception.

Which is then maybe a long winded way of saying that I have introspected the self out of myself. I was rather obsessed with labeling myself a few years ago (or, pointedly, finding "respectable" terms for myself that were not too out there) and have since long passed into a label-less state. This seems to have come about at the expense of my identity then as well, down to the point where I was nameless for a few months[1][2].

I'm not so sure I find myself distressed by this lack of self, since it seems mostly other's prerogative to label and classify me to whatever is most convenient for them. So it's that way that I think I find myself basing myself on others perception. Because I don't really have the time or energy to find a self in here that I can pin down and make into a solid object. If I try it will slip away eventually anyway.

I think that I change every day. And if I tried to find something to cling to then it would dissolve so quickly I'd be trying to hold water in my hands. And for a very long time I have been ashamed and nervous about how I treat myself and my interests since they never seem to stick around (which is in great part because of my ADHD and autism from what I understand) but understanding it like this seems much more relaxing, that I am what I need to be in each moment and then allow myself to change when the path is the one of least resistance.

---

I might as well start using footnotes. As offline life often requires, I still went by some name. However, even in my most "genuine" states I found a lack of a name appropriate.

It should also be stated that Eve was picked as a rather quick choice because I had jokingly adopted another friend's name and was soon going to be visiting her. I could probably make some literary analysis on that choice because I'm already treating myself as a character.

#self post #musing #this is kind of embarrassingly personal. so maybe will delete it later?#also sorry for changing how we wrote this part way through. shit happens yk #i think this was supposed to be about stick figures but then i forgot #so then it became some piece about gender and the self. oops #ok done. theres not a conclusion here. kinda? there was no thesis.#whatever its late. have fun reading this or don't

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cherryjasper · 25 days

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i don't post my art much here more mainly cause i really don't draw much anymore, not nearly as much as i used to.

it's honestly kind of upsetting but i don't really know how nor do i really have the motivation to change it. i feel like i can trace it back to me absolutely burning myself out from drawing like, 80 pieces in a month during artfight 2021 but it's been almost 3 years now and i feel like i keep drawing less and less! when i could be drawing i play video games instead or browse social media. i feel even less drive now i am no longer friends with someone (i will not disclose why) who i realize now was a muse to me. now that i no longer have that, what little motivation i do have to draw has been washed down the drain. i want to keep making art! i want to draw more! but when push comes to shove i just can't. i have no inspiration, no drive, no clue. i've heard some people do studies when they have art block but i have always found those painfully boring with a few exceptions and i feel like making myself draw something i do not want to draw will only make the problem worse.

i know it's normal to grow out of hobbies and interests as you get older, but i don't want to give up art as a hobby. i do love it, even if i don't interact with it nearly as much as i used to. and maybe it is fine that i only draw once every few days, with my progress only being a few sketches using a symmetry tool, but compared to my previous output, it just makes me feel disappointed in myself and as a result makes me want to draw even less. i wondered if getting better mentally through therapy was making me have less motivation to do art and i have less to express now, and what i do need to express can be talked to with my therapist, but i've been off antidepressants and out of therapy for almost a year now after leaving it very suddenly due to my new therapist quitting a month after my old therapist set me up with her, and as a result the pills i was already forgetting to take for weeks on end falling completely to the wayside (so much that when I tried to take them again I had completely lost the tolerance i had built up to them and felt horrible, and was scared off from taking them again), my mental health has been slipping downwards again very rapidly and yet i still have no motivation to do art. i will admit, when i began to round up the art i had done for last year i did a lot more than i thought i did, and that made me feel really good, but i am falling right back into the pithole of also worrying about not making enough finished pieces this year and that making me so anxious that i end up getting a sort of paralysis that makes it hard to even pick up my tablet. that, and i also got a girlfriend, and while i do love her a LOT, she's in a pretty bad situation physically and mentally and i feel obligated to spend most of my free time with her, even when i know she wouldn't mind me taking time to myself to draw. i feel like my skills are decaying which makes the anxiety even worse, as i feel like whatever i will attempt to draw will look like complete shit. i really feel like i need to see like, an art therapist, or talk to someone who has had the exact same problem as me to the exact same extent, because asking people before hasn't really yielded me any answers that have helped me.

tldr: my relationship to art has been very bad the past couple of years and has been causing me to get severe anxiety over not doing art enough art and as a result feeling like im regressing in skill, causing me to avoid art more despite not wanting to let it go as a hobby and i have yet to find a solution or way to relieve my problem

normally i would keep super windy vents like this private but honestly i would love to talk to people who are facing the same problem as me. i love following other artists but i feel terrible seeing them output so much and meanwhile all i can do is a scuffed sketch of a head every 5 days

#my text #vent #art #art block #burnout

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redcometcoffee · 2 years

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Just espresso, using the Flair Classic

★ Coffee ★

Company: Dancing Ox

Coffee Origin: Ethiopia

Grinder used: Hario Mill Slim

setting ground at: 9

Dose: 18.5g

Total Brew Time: 25s

Nose: N/A

Tasting Notes: Apples, Brown sugar, Caramel, Peanut butter

Sweet: 7

Bitter: 6

sour: 2

★ Talk ★

A lot to write about, this post will probably come quite a bit after I've already finished this shot. (To break the illusion of a coherent timeline, I wrote this block at 9 PM, left it to think of how to word the rest, and only came back at 11:05 because I was still disoriented from the day. I had finished drinking the shot 20-30 minutes after writing that.)

With this one, I kept it around 5 bars until 20 seconds in, where I shot up to 9 bars. This shot was exceptionally high quality, maybe a contender for the best one I've made. It had the perfect balance of bitterness and sweetness.

It was a pretty fun day today. I got a cute new hat, I got my hair dyed (I won't attach a picture on this blog, but it's dyed like Nezuko's hair), and nothing happened to ruin it- it was just a good day. Even when I got a little overstimulated, it wasn't the worst. It was my first time getting my hair professionally dyed. I scared someone rounding a corner in a store, and she paused after that and told me not to move. Afterwards, she waved her wife out of an aisle to see how much of a "cute little thing" I was, said in the tone you'd speak about/to a little girl with. Despite it possibly being meant as demeaning, I quite enjoyed the encounter. I don't expect I'll ever have such a succinct yet memorable interaction like that again.

The salon was such a bizarre experience. It wasn't like one I've ever been in, it was decorated like a tattoo shop. Gothy and metal stuff all over the place, millennial pop culture references abound.

There was... 5 workers, I think. And they were rather busy to start, which becomes relevant to a story soon.

The workers all flirted with each other. Every single one. They'd hand someone a popcicle after deepthroating it, and the other person would respond with a "thank you!" and eat it like that didn't happen.

There was one man there, he's who did my hair.

His little booth had several things that caught my eye. A three-headed Audrey 2 halloween decoration, a painting of Captain Spaulding, a Living Dead Doll I can't identify, and a caricature painting of him and another woman with another decoration that had some saying about friends under it. The last one will be important to a later, longer story. This man spoke with a cartoon gay accent. It didn't sound hammed up at all, he never slipped once, even in an eavesdropped conversation. It is truly his natural speaking voice, and it's the first time I've ever seen it not be intentional.

I started conversation asking where he found the Audrey decoration. He said he didn't know. "They're everywhere," he says.

I can't find anything about it. I do want it, though.

My next point to try to start a conversation was the Captain Spaulding portrait. This must've meant that he liked Rob Zombie, and my uncle had just seen a concert of his recently.

"My uncle went to a rob zombie show," I said, already blitzing my eyes around to find the next attempted topic, "from what he's told me, Rob had the worst set of his own show."

“Yeah, I saw him too." He said innocuously. "I've been to every Rob Zombie concert that's happened in State."

How do I continue the conversation from that? How do I go from there? I can't yes and that. He defeated me in this conversation. I had no way to even joke about it. This man is an elderly scholar, wisened in the ways of fuckin' in a UFO.

Silence swept our corner of the wall, as he finished the first steps to start bleaching, and tells me to move to the area with the washing basins. He bleaches my hair, and struggles to wrap the tinfoil properly because my hair has ungodly volume and theres an ungodly amount of it. It's heavy on my neck, but manageable for now. Around this point is when I noticed my sleep deprivation from the prior night catching up with me, but was able to keep my wits about me without dozing off too bad...

It's late, currently, and I still haven't remedied aforementioned sleep deprivation. You'll have to forgive me for cutting this story short, I'll continue it tomorrow.

★ Farewell,

Your most trustworthy comrade

#Gundam #espresso #coffee #char aznable #flair classic #flair #flair espresso #audrey 2 #little shop of horrors #captain spaulding #rob zombie #white zombie #fuckin in a ufo #salon #living dead dolls #halloween #goth #metal

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artsyxloner · 3 years

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Not Just a Monster

Warning: blood,Voices, violence

4: Green Roof Apartments

It was dark by the time I had gotten to the green roof apartment building. I was coming up near the font where it looked like they were doing construction work? but Spotted something laying on the ground.

Its limbs were all Sprawled out getting closer making sure it was dead before I went in. Half of its head was chopped Capitated it had looked-like its face was beaten in my something big?

Its teeth were all yellow and dirty as its skin was a sickly bluish-gray. But one of its ears stood out the most. It was enlarged, I was sure to remember this and put it in my field journal.

I was about to check the front out when I heard the monster utter some words. " I can't see?!" It spoke my eyes went wide as I turned to look at it.

My feet Accidentally hit some gravel making the smallest noise. Its enlarged ear started to twitch. " I can hear you!!" I mumbled its fingers moved when all of a sudden they shot out spikes. Until it hit the concrete building wall making a crashing sound.

I jumped out of the way before it could hit me. I rolled on to the payment as another shot of spikes came. Laying on my stomach it was either fight or flight since I didn't have a weapon I chose to leave knowing I could get killed.

The only reason I didn't before was because of the golden If you didn't know already. Getting up I ran away, not able to fight well I wasn't a good fighter as you have seen before but I was extremely lucky.

Going in behind the building there I checked for a possible way in. As I moved stuff out of my way I found a door hidden behind a white tarp. Moving it out of the way there was a sound of a huge thud making the group shake.

I wobbled a little bit trying to steady back my balance. Knowing I shouldn't have looked back but my Curiosity got the best of me. I nearly fainted seeing a monster about the size of Wait no it was the size of the hulk.

It kept saying " Protein" that's when I knew that was one of the monsters that ate people. Grabbing ahold of the door handle I twisted it opened running in quickly I shut and locked the door behind me.

I signed out a heavy breath feeling sweat run down my forehead and back. If this place has these kinds of monsters there's no telling what is in this building.

I should have known, there can't be a place without some type of these things living in it some more than others. Inside the back building was dark and it gave me the creeps.

Lights flickered on and off creaking sounds coming from the old busted pipes and the floor was kinda wet with water they made have had a water leakage somewhere.

I made my way down the hallway as my footsteps splashed the little amount of water. It Echoed making the place give me goosebumps my arms my whole body shook.

I needed some sleep because I have been through a lot today my body was sore even though I healed. Checking every door it was locked until I came to the end of the last door.

Opening it Carefully as the Hinges made a squeaking sound I cringed hoping nothing heard that I was surprised to see a closet. It was those that had a little cot where the people slept on if they need to borrow one.

I smiled, it even had a pillow. Slipping off my duffel back after a while of carrying it I felt relieved hearing my bones and muscles stretch and pop. I flopped down my side hitting the comfy cot.

My breathing slowed as my eyes began to feel heavy they flutter for a few seconds before closing that's when I knew I was going to have some fucked dreams tonight from the things I saw.

...

There was nothing but loud screaming everywhere I went. Everybody was running away as they knocked each other over them jumping over seats and them hiding behind stuff.

I was confused at why they were doing this? What was wrong I didn't see anything out of the ordinary?

At the time I wasn't aware they were all running from me. I didn't have any control over my body just only inside my head, I could think.

I mean I could feel my body moving but and something wet was gushing from my nose. I was confused about what was happening? It was just a nosebleed wasn't it? that's normal.

That's when I looked in the window and was horrified at what I saw my reflection was smiling back at me with pitch-black eyes and blood was all over the bottom of my mouth dripping down to my neck.

That's when it began.

I sat up breathing hard, remembering the horrific image of myself. I quickly pick up my duffel bag and unzipped it bringing out my opened water bottle pouring some in my hands I splashed my face with some to cool me down.

I wiped my eyes rubbing them until I couldn't see it anymore until I saw stars. Signing I ran my fingers through my frizzy, red hair, I've had this dream since the night they were killed and it's like the inner monsters inside me want to keep reminding me.

I'm starting to hate it, next time I see it I'm going to tell it to fuck off! Getting up I drank my water and took out some Oreo pocky Munching on them Quietly.

I know all this junk wasn't good for me but it was the only thing I had. As I did I felt my nose dripping wet, making me Drop my pocky stick.

" shit!!" I grabbed the ends of my sleeve trying to soak up the blood that was constantly flowing. " Now! Now! that's what you get when you say you were going to tell me to what's the word... fuck off?"

I almost choked on my food hearing its damn voice. " it's too bad I didn't get to talk to you when you fell." I covered my ears not listening to the inner monster inside me wanting to come out.

I stayed silent not listening. " fine ignore me, but when the time comes you'll need me." I still stayed quiet " It wasn't my fault it was yours why would I need your help!?" I fussed getting down on my knees.

" When the time is right Soo-Nico." This made me scoffed no more like a laugh like a crazy person. If someone saw me from their point of view they would think I am.

Then the voice left like it was never there. My fist clenched as I started to bang on the floor. " I'll never need you!" I whispered as tears beamed my eyes.

I cried quietly for a few minutes leaning my back on the edge of the cot. Then I heard the sound of instrumental music coming from the speakers go off. Seconds later there was a young man's voice.

I nearly jumped out of my skin, " uh, uh," it went Static " Survivors, the first floor is safe now."

" come to the first floor. We'll be safer together." The guy paused then spoke up. " We survivors must stick together. Please come down. Come down here now."

" –I said please come down..." the man's voice went static again followed by a long Frequency that hurt my eardrums. I couldn't think for a moment there were people here? There were survivors.

I wasn't alone, I hurried I get up but stopped a thought coming to mind. What if he was trying to trick someone like me to get me to come and then take my stuff and keep it for himself? He just is saying it's safe and lies.

But for some reason I knew he wasn't lying, it sounded like he was calling for someone to come down that was being stubborn. If they were stuck up there? I only had two choices to go or not.

I decided to go I needed some social interaction if there were people there? but I would be wary and careful of them.

I wasn't going to trust them that was for sure just stick around long enough to see what type of people they are.

Getting up I grabbed my bag slinging over my shoulder carefully opening the door it was still the same as last night the same creepy eerie feeling I didn't notice before but there were cobwebs.

With dead bugs and flies in them ready to be eaten. My face crinkled up, feeling bad for them I knew how they felt now, Well in some way.

I moved down the hallway going to the entrance that's probably where they are at. I stopped every few seconds hearing strange Noise this was the first floor He said it was clear right?

Maybe he was saying one part of it was clear and blocked off. That means there could be monsters Roaming free around this section of the first floor.

I felt fear creep inside my chest and up my throat. Seeing the monsters I saw last night, there could be some-more like that or worse.

My arms got goosebumps, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand. It was like I was trying to freak myself out. I just wanted to turn back and hid in that closet and never come out.

It was promising but I knew being a wimp wouldn't solve anything. So I forced myself to go on my feet talking a right at the end of the blinking light that hung down from the Ceiling.

I passed a bathroom door that said out of order, Ignoring it I passed on seeing the walls that had wallpaper were all ripped up with mold spoiling over them.

Toys and clothes were all sprawled out all over the floor I bent down to pick up a shirt but dropped it when I heard screaming and crying.

My eyes turned to where the sound was coming from them landing on a pair of double doors. I ran towards them stepping on my tip-toes to look through the small glass window to see what was happening?

There was a group of people holding back a woman that was most likely in her late forties. With the front entrance open they all looked terrified.

#sweet home #cha hyun su #kdramaedit #sweethomeedit #webcomic #song kang #love alarm #kdrama spoilers #kdramaspace #netflix kdrama #kdrama #korean show #koeran #monsters #fanfic

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rpbetter · 3 years

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Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #long post #drama cw #rp harassment #callout culture

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dungeondicedivaarchieve · 3 years

Text

A few months ago I typed up some comments about the anime-only scene between Otogi and Honda on the blimp. Found here.

Well... now I'm here to talk about what happened before that scene. Because I read so much more into it.

Let's take a walk.

Please keep in mind that a great deal of this speculation comes from the belief that, despite Mr. Clown not being seen in the anime, he still exists and his relationship to his son is very similar. Also please keep in mind that this is all speculation from someone who has spent waaaayyyy too much time looking into everything Ryuji Otogi says/ does.

~~~

We join our heroes shortly after Yugi's Duel with Bakura. Ryou has fallen unconscious and the stab wound he sustained earlier has re-opened (unless you're watching the dub where blood doesn't exist.)

Otogi's first line comes after Shizuka has asked Kaiba to land the plane, and the camera cuts to her making a pose that demonstrates both uncertainty and discomfort. Kaiba stares at her and Honda and Otogi both get between them... to Honda's annoyance.

More on this in a second.

Kaiba ignores this and turns his attention back to Jonouchi and Yugi, telling them that it was Bakura's choice to Duel and that he will not be held responsible for the repercussions of another's mistake.

This causes Shizuka to shout (probably for the first time in her life.)

Otogi makes this face. Personally, I think it looks like a combination of surprise and concern. But why would he be concerned?

Because Shizuka is a lot younger, a lot smaller, and a lot less powerful (both physically and financially) than Seto Kaiba.

He is fearful of what Kaiba will do in retaliation, ans so.

He gets between Shizuka and Kaiba in hopes of transferring whatever Kaiba's about to do to him instead of her.

Because Ryuji Otogi is an abuse victim that knows what happens when you challenge someone bigger and more powerful than you. They put you back in your place.

Also Honda continues to not like this. Otogi is cutting him off each time he tries to speak, and while this could be seen as Otogi trying to one up Honda (and the dub absolutely took it that way) I can see it taken a number of ways. There's a chance he's trying to team up with Honda and hope that Kaiba won't start anything if it's two against one. It could also be that Otogi's not paying a lot of attention to Honda. He does see Shizuka and start moving in front of her before Honda moves into the frame the second time.

Going on a small tangent here but...

Keep in mind, Otogi stepped into a fight against four other guys and got himself involved in the fight against a cult to protect Honda and Shizuka. Sure, you can say that he did that to have a chance with her, but that's a lot of risk to have a chance with a girl he knows nothing about... especially for a guy who could have any number of girls with minimal effort. He will also shortly after this put up his own body as a gamble to protect Shizuka from a creepy old man that wants to wear her body like a suit. Personally, I don't think Otogi has any romantic feelings towards Shizuka at all, since each time they interact, he isn't so much flirting as he is trying to protect her. He treats Rebecca in a very similar way when he joins the duel between her and Varon under the assumption that Mai is also dueling, and that Rebecca will be outnumbered (and the correct assumption that a 12-year-old is about to pick a fight with a cult member who has the power to steal her soul. I've heard critiques that Otogi is very sexist because he won't let Rebecca nor Shizuka fight their own battles, which, yes, that's one way to take it... or you can take it as him stepping in when people significantly younger than even he is (Shizuka is 13) are put into incredible danger.)

That was lengthier than I meant for it to be, I'm sorry, back to the actual post.

So, despite everyone's best attempts, Kaiba's not landing this plane. Now get out.

Shizuka makes this face as they leave.

She's not having a good time.

Again Honda tries to talk to Shizuka and again Otogi cuts him off. He also grabs her hands and makes a very dramatic show of himself.

He makes this ridiculous face (that the dub skips because right after it, Shizuka blushes, and the dub really wants to portray Duke as the bad option in this love triangle. So we can't let it be known that she's happy he's doing this.)

This. This is not a face you use when you're trying to be suave and impress a girl. Heck, this is not a face we'll ever see him use again. We've seen him be suave and flirtatious, we know what it looks like, and folks, this ain't it.

To me, he knows he's being ridiculous and over-the-top. That's the point. He's trying to make Shizuka smile or at least stop making that face.

Now... this is where things take a turn.

Disclaimer: This might come across like I don't like Honda. I don't dislike Honda at all! It's just the nature of this scene.

Honda volunteers to go look for the Millennium Ring. Yugi agrees that they should all look. Honda says no, Jonouchi and Yugi should focus on their duels.

We cut to Otogi (still holding Shizuka's hands, I think she's okay now buddy you can stop) and he asks if Shizuka wants to help him search (he does not speak for her like he does in the dub.)

Honda insists Otogi come with him and very forcefully shoves/pushes Otogi away from Shizuka (who does, admittedly, look relieved.) When Otogi tries to protest that this isn't what he wants, Honda grabs his face to silence him.

This is not the first time someone has silenced Otogi by forcefully touching his face.

And this is not the expression of someone who is at all comfortable with the person touching him.

Honda then proceeds to drag a flailing Otogi away from the group while covering his mouth.

Otogi is doing everything in his power to communicate that he does not want this without being able to speak or break the guy's hold around his neck and no one is recognizing this as a sign of distress... or they are and they're just not stopping it. Heck, Jonouchi thinks Honda is being nice.

We can also see in this still that Honda's got a few inches on Otogi. Not a lot, Honda is 5'11 and Otogi is 5'8, but that's a considerable difference when you're intimidated.

Honda drags him to the top of the blimp and, while Otogi is looking about the blimp for the ring (what Honda claimed they were going up here to do) Honda stays still. Directly in front of the door. Blocking Otogi from being able to get away. (I can't post any more images in this post I'll have to rely on hyperlinks now.)

Otogi can't get away and he's been pulled away from the group. He is very aware this guy has a problem with him and can very easily overpower him.

So Otogi does what I've dubbed activates smug mode.

I'm going to make another post elaborating on activate smug mode (this one's long enough as it is) but, basically, Otogi only acts this way when he's trying to get the better of someone or when he's feeling threatened. He is also incredibly smug when he approaches his father to tell him that he lost to Yugi, knowing full well how his father will react to that news. It's a defense mechanism. Honda's taller and stronger than Otogi, all Otogi can really do is badmouth him and make him feel smaller in hopes that that will make Honda back off.

He then makes this pose.

I'm no body language specialist, but I worked as a counselor at a battered women's shelter for a while, so I was taught a few things.

1. He turns to his side. When you're intimidated by someone, you don't face them directly. You tilt your body away to give the illusion of distance, and to keep your vitals out of their direct reach.

2. He folds his arms in front of his stomach. Remember, Shizuka crossed her arms in front of her stomach when she was facing down Kaiba. Otogi is masking it a little by pointing and propping his elbow on his hand, but folding the arms over the chest or stomach remains a typical sign of insecurity/fear.

3. He is clutching his arm. This is something people do during severe bouts of anxiety in an attempt to ground themselves.

In conclusion, yes, Otogi sounds very confident and like he's egging Honda on. He sounds confident. Because that's the only thing he really has over Honda. Honda seems insecure about his appearance when compared to Otogi, thus why he gets deeply irritated whenever Otogi gets close to Shizuka. Otogi taps into that and uses it because it's his only defense in this situation. Maybe Honda will get fed up and leave to go lick his wounded pride.

It doesn't work. They throw hands. Well, Honda throws hands. Otogi stays in a very defensive stance the entire time. Fun fact: Keeping your arms raised close to your face and blocking your chest is one of the main stances in the more defensive based martial art of Tae-Kwon-Do.

In conclusion, my name is Axel and I think about this way, way, waaaay too much. I am of the belief that Otogi is very intimidated by Honda. I was going to attach images here of all the times Honda grabs Otogi's shirt/ threatens to punch him in the face but since I can't attach any more images and hyperlinks are a pain, I'll save it for another post. There are at least five instances.

No, I don't hate/dislike Honda, in fact, I'm pretty sure if Honda knew about Otogi's background, he'd feel terrible. The fact is they're both insecure teenage boys, Otogi because of his home life and Honda because of his family's social status and perhaps his lack of success as a duelist.

And... while I've thought about this scene a lot ever since posting that other post, I never realized how sad it makes me. Otogi's not hiding that he's not okay with being manhandled and dragged off, and his friends just sorta. Let it happen. Again, I don't blame any of them. Both Yugi and Jou have a lot on their minds and they don't seem to notice that this is a problem. Probably because 1. Honda and Jou are very physical/ playfully threatening people, that's just how they are. 2. No one knows about Otogi's homelife. They have no way of knowing he would have issue with any of this. They do it to one another all the time.

I have a lot of feelings.

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

#child abuse cw #In this essay I will #Well that got long #{Axel speaks}#Musings/munnings

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paradise-creator · 3 years

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Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺

Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.

Personality:

Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.

Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!

Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.

I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.

When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D

Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!

I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.

I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.

I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!

My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd

I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.

I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!

I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.

But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj

I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh

Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!

My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc

Fun facts:

I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!

I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!

I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/

Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol

I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(

I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭

That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨

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ɴᴏᴡ ʟᴏᴀᴅɪɴɢ

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Journal of Feelings

- 3 am shenanigans

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno

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Sun drops

- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara

- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking

- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.

- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE

- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"

- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"

- He takes care of you

- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect

- Insecurities? BE GONE

- Nagativity? BE GONE

- That's basically his motto

- He is both your mom and partner in Crime

- did I mention he will take care of you?

- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS

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Journal of feelings

- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU

Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.

- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed

"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.

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3 am shenanigans

It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.

A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,

Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.

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Author's note

I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!

#☁️matchup #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu!!#haikyuu matchup #fanfic #anime #fiction #sugawara koushi #sugawara kōshi #Sugawara #sugawara headcanon #match ups #hq matchups #hq sugawara #Anime matchups #BlackPearl

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