#part of me wants to hurt myself bc i know it’ll feel good …….

[sadlazzle]

hardest part of quitting tobacco is tht i cant hav a spliff until my pipe arrives. idk what else to say mg mind is mush n i feel like crying and. idk. doing something to get some kind of high even if it only lasts a second

#weed has been my medication for years man. im struggling without it even tho it’s only been a handful of days #the best split second high i could get was frm digging my nails rlly hard into my skin #not enough to draw blood. but enough that it stung #might jst sit down n cry for a bit cause im feeling. i am feeling #part of me wants to hurt myself bc i know it’ll feel good ……. #it’s like this wild rush tht surges thru my body … mm #plum.txt #feel free 2 ignore

[lunebits]

how i study with autism

hello !! so i never really see anything about trying to survive the hell that is high school when you’re trying to study with autism ?-?!? so i wanted to make one with my own tips !! it’ll be organized by section dw <3

part one: morning/night routines + going to school

it’s important to know what you can/cannot do! (the things i can’t do i call “land mines” btw bc if i do them it’s only a matter of time before i explode) for example: waking up before 6:15am for me is a landmine. studying in the morning is a landmine. being late is a landmine, etc.

also, for me mornings are usually overstimulating, so i read and i wear my comfiest clothes and use a blanket when i’m eating breakfast !!

basically the whole point is to make a morning routine that avoids your landmines! and gives you ample time to get ready to go out into the world.

at night, i give myself a hard stop time. i have to get things done, or at least partially done, by that time. for me, it’s 9:45 !! when i stop at that time, it gives me time to unmask in my room and stim before going to bed.

also keep your routines simple. i always have trouble remembering really complex routines! so usually i remember that i have to read, take care of my hygiene, pick clothes out, and go to bed.

i’m not saying you should go to sleep late or early, but if a lack of sleep causes you to meltdown the next day …. GO TO SLEEP !!!!!!

for the longest time i felt really weird bc i went to school w/o a comfort item before i realized … my phone is my comfort item … ANYWAY the point is being a comfort item to school ++ anything else to get you through that sensory hell.

most of the time, you can spend lunch in the library if the cafeteria is too much for you. also, go to the bathroom for a few minutes when you get overwhelmed during class. it’s helpful, and i promise you look normal. don’t worry.

part two: planning

my two main systems planning programs are google calendar + todomate. they’re easy to be flexible with and they’re easy to use!

i write my tasks during the day using todomate. it’s just easier. then, to motivate myself later when i’m working, i write them in my bullet journal.

i actually Don’t Timeblock because i tend to feel really stressed when i get off schedule by even just a minute.

instead i work in hour long blocks using a 50/10 work/break pomodoro thingy ;; and i don’t assign tasks to each block either i just do them as best i can. for me, it reduces stress bc usually i can look at my todo list where i’ve defined exactly what i need to do and then just work for as long as i need. my only concern is stopping by 9:45.

i use a notion calendar to plan my studying for tests. here’s how i plan for them !! :

i usually give myself (if possible) a week before a big test to study the material. under the event, i add a todo list that where i put exactly what i need to do on what day to stay on track. the important thing is to not overcrowd a day! NEVER !!! extend the amount of days you need to study if you have to, but never overcrowd a day. especially if you don’t know your workload before that day.

overall, keep it simple. planning isn’t actually doing, so don’t overexert yourself when planning. it’s important to understand yourself !!

part three: actually doing stuff !

lets be honest — assignments are actually hell and i hate them but i have to do them to get good grades

essays: break down the prompt or assignment task and outline your essay RIGHT AWAY. ik it’s hard to get an idea initially, but a little brainstorming doesn’t hurt. a lot of the time, you can actually implement stuff about your special interest in them to make arguments and points, etc. also, plan out when you’re gonna write what parts of the essay. and follow said schedule.

general homework assignments: usually these are completion, so honestly just sit down and get them the fuck done. the most important thing is that you actually understand what you’re doing. i mean, do you really understand how to solve that math problem? what that literature discussion question is asking?

projects: do your part of the project. break the parts down and delegate them to different days and actually do the project. also, i try to work alone most of the time bc it’s just easier, so do try to ask about working alone if you need to.

i can preach about actually doing shit but that doesn’t keep the demons that are executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression at bay. here’s how i deal with them:

executive dysfunction: mine usually goes away with a plan. if i physically can’t bring myself to do something, i set a timer for 10 minutes, where i promise myself at the end of that time i’ll do something. usually something completely unrelated to work like making tea or tying my hair up. usually that’s enough to get me moving and actually get me to my desk, or at least pull something to do out.

anxiety: this is literally going to sound silly but i actually just make tea. the tea is warm and it grounds me, and it forces me to get up. i also get a blanket and wear something comfy. and usually on bad anxiety days i try to get done earlier, or just do the bare minimum.

depression: this is especially prevalent for me on the weekends. i am so lethargic on the weekends. the first thing i fucking do is actually shower. go take that shower. if you’re still not feeling it, make your favorite drink, even if it’s just drinking gatorade at 3am. go play your favorite instrument or do a puzzle. just do something. hopefully, it’ll be enough to get you to do some of your work. remember, doing bare minimum is completely fine. you don’t have to do everything at 110%. things can be 50%, 60%, or even 35% if that’s bare minimum.

part four: actually studying

here’s where i have to be like … this is what works for me. and you can adjust things as you need. also keep in mind that i go to a stem school lol

general and misc studying tips

body-doubling helps me a lot, so i study or work with study with me videos online. they come in all types, so it’s easy to find one that fits me for that day.

choose music your brain can take for that day. some days, i can study perfectly with lyrical music. but other days it’s too much so i need instrumental music.

oh, read textbooks like they’re books first. i swear. i usually go slower when i’m trying to take notes on the textbook. but if i read the textbook first like i’m just reading it for the sake of it, suddenly it gets less daunting and i can take notes later when i go through it again.

general review process (this is an everyday thing, usually.)

i collect the notes i took from my classes that day

i reformat them but make it fun style (ex: history notes are turned into a mind map or review questions, math notes are turned into me explaining a problem, etc.)

that’s literally it — these will be important for studying later.

studying process (basic process of how i actually study)

class notes — take notes and ask questions if you don’t understand smth.

general review (see above)

study for the assessment a week before.

ok this section is actually how i study for assessments

i always ALWAYS identify my weak spots first. to do this, i take one practice test or complete a review sheet my teachers gave me. if there isn’t one, i make my own review questions (these are usually for more concept based subjects)

then i ask my teachers questions if i don’t understand something. they should be open to helping you.

actual review methods now !! here’s what i do:

problem-based subjects (math, mostly):

i set a timer for 10 minutes and do as many problems as i can. idk why but i find this hilariously fun. i grade myself after and then reward myself with something — very often a sip of tea.

also most of the time i think of it like solving a puzzle, so i generalize solving into a process scheme, which i write down. (ex: step one: isolate y, etc.)

the bottom line is that practice questions are your best fucking friend. be buddies with those practice questions. so millions of them until you’re comfortable with the fact that you can do most of them.

content-based subjects (history, literature):

ok honestly i basically make a dnd game out of history. LISTEN ITS FUN OK like history is a series of events in your campaign and you can walk through the way things affected people and use fun dnd terminology if you need to.

also those mindmaps from your general review earlier? yeah those. use them !!! i do whats called blurting, where you essentially just dump everything you remember down. use the mindmap you made to check your understanding.

sometimes, like for art history, i’ll use flashcards to study. actually go through them — don’t just make them and call it a day and never look at them again. for me, i randomly separate them into piles. if i get through a pile without getting any wrong, i give myself a treat! if i don’t, i move on and just repeat that pile again later.

concept based subjects (like science):

science sucks for this but most of the time you need to understand and internalize the concepts so that you can apply it to questions. ap style questions do this a lot.

like with history, i do a lot of blurting. talking out loud also helps me think through how to explain things.

i also have this mind palace game where i assign a particular room in my house to a particular topic. then, i go to that room, recall everything i know and check myself. if i got it all right and didn’t forget smth, i take an item from that room and move onto the next. if i didn’t get it all right, i still move onto the next room, and i’ll repeat that room again later.

textbooks usually have good review questions. DO THEM!!!!!! and use the textbook to revise your answers and then answer them again.

ok i honestly think that’s it pls tell me if i can add stuff

#being autistic #autism #studyblr #studying with anxiety #studying with autism #study motivation #study tips

[strwberri-milk]

I Know You'll Always Love Me (And I Wish It'd Be Enough)

Ex!Kaeya x AFAB!Reader || Smut, Angst no Comf || 2 825 words

additional tags: vaginal sex, blowjobs, mildly toxic relationship (you and kaeya are broken up but regularly fuck and its not good for either of you)

Forever was a promise that you made to him. You just didn't realise how much this version of forever could hurt.

a/n: idk why but theres smth about this,,,the mutual pining, the hurt, the "i love you so much and thats why im letting you go" and anyway this is kaeyas bday fic bc if i cant be happy on mine neither can he /lh there is a chance i write a second part bc i like happy endings but,,,,,

A buzz interrupts your nightly routine, your breath caught in your throat as you know exactly what that means. 

The moon is high in the sky, slipping through your curtains to land on your bedside table. Your phone is alight with a message, another buzz reminding you that someone on the other end expects an answer. It isn’t until your phone is in your hand and you’re reading the text that you realise you’re already texting back, that lump in your throat refusing to go. 

As soon as the text sends you know you’ve only got a short amount of time to prepare, that churning in your stomach both anxiousness and excitement. You know how much it’ll hurt to go through with this, to let him back in even for this brief encounter but you need him here, even if it’s just to pretend that things are the same and nothing’s changed. 

The doorbell doesn’t even ring, the only word of warning you get is a turning of the knob as you remind yourself for the nth time you need to take his key back. You turn to the door of your bedroom, immediately engulfed in a familiar warmth you wish you could forget. His kisses are desperate against your skin, nails digging into your body as his heavy breathing drowns out your other thoughts. 

“Kaeya,” you gasp against his lips, letting him swallow your moans as he only gets more frantic. 

Kaeye doesn’t say anything, only pushing you down onto your sheets. Immediately, his grip brings your legs to wrap around his waist, pulling your core to rub up against his. Your hands push against his chest with a whimper, making him stop and look at you. His eye is unfocused, evidence of his arousal beginning to poke against your wettening entrance.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, already beginning to withdraw from your body. 

“No!” you cry out, pulling him back on top of you. 

You miss him so much, wanting nothing more than for him to look at you the way he used to. This is the only way you’ll get him now, and you’re disgusted with yourself for it. You can only have him under the cover of night, blanketed by desire at his behest. 

But you know there’s no way you can say no to him. 

“Then what’s wrong?” 

There’s no warmth in his voice, nothing like the man you used to know. Instead, there’s just a stranger in his body, someone who’s been long done with you but the body is so comforting you need it to take you. You shake your head and pull him back down, slotting your lips together. 

“I just wanted to breathe a bit,” you lie easily, knowing by the way his fingers twitched that he didn’t believe you. 

He only shakes his head before continuing, positioning your body to sit better against his lap as he begins to rut against your body. You can feel his erection growing against you, reaching down to touch him only to have your hand swatted away. 

“Don’t worry about me,” he says in a way that could almost be seen as caring. “If I want you to be ready then I’ll have to focus on you before myself.” 

Even now he was still giving to you, the sick and twisted irony being that he took everything from you when he left. That, or he just didn’t want to let himself melt into your arms to keep this cordial distance between you two. Whatever the answer is, you decide it doesn’t matter as much as his fingers against your wet slit does, biting your bottom lip as he begins to tease you. 

“I missed this,” he whispers almost reverentially, slowly beginning to sound more like the man you used to know. 

You keen into his touch, letting him do with you as he wishes, totally unaware of what’s going on in his mind. 

Kaeya’s quickly becoming obsessed with your body once again, loving the way he fits into his so smoothly. He knows everything that makes you feel good, how you’ll squeeze so tightly around his fingers if he crooks them up a certain way or even just kisses you with just the right amount of pressure. Your breath against his collar drives him insane in a way he thinks you’ll never know and imperceptibly, his grip around your body tightens. 

He doesn’t need to hear your noises to know that he’s right where you need him to be, only mildly listening just in case he hurts you. All of what he does is purely muscle memory, his mind never able to fully wean itself off of you during the countless hours he spends alone. The only thing he can do to make the ringing in his ears stop is to kiss you like this, hold you like this, pull his fingers out of your pussy to take your bottoms off for you like this. 

You get the sense that he’s moving faster than he normally would. Maybe he’s busy in the morning, or perhaps he has someone else he’s wanting to see. The thought makes you pause, tears beginning to spring to your eyes. 

In an instant, you feel yourself being pulled up and into his lap. Kaeya sits himself against the headrest of your bed, putting your face in the junction between his shoulder and jaw. You’re acutely aware of the fact that you won’t be able to look at him like this, wanting nothing more than to make him see what he’s putting you through but knowing that if he wants to avoid it he will. He doesn’t say much as you cry silently, only threading his fingers through your hair. 

Normally, the rise and fall of his chest would soothe you but now you can’t feel anything but anger. Anger at him, at some imaginary date he has, at the fact that you somehow managed to let him slip through your fingers as though he meant nothing when it was the furthest thing from the truth. You don’t know if he knows how much you love him, how much you feel like you need him. 

Instead, he just keeps you close against his body, sighing as you cry into him. After a few minutes he clears his throat. 

“Do you want me to leave?” 

“Stay,” you mumble, bringing your hand down to his crotch. 

He’s gotten soft but you know it’ll take you no time to get him back to his previous hardness. You crawl out of his lap, watching his expression carefully. When he shows no sign of saying no to you, you begin to palm at him before pulling him out of his pants, taking his hiss of satisfaction in stride when he throws his head back against the wood. 

“Just until we’re done. Just stay until then, then you can go,” you convince him, letting his fingers tangle themselves back into your hair. 

Your pace is slow, soothing his racing thoughts and pounding heart as you bob up and down on his length. Every move you make is practiced, down to the way you swallow around his thick girth to the teasing laps of your tongue when you pull off of him at the ache beginning to form at your jaw. You take pride in the way his hips buck into your mouth and let him guide your pace soon afterwards, looking up at him through your lashes. 

Kaeya wishes he could look away but you’re the picture of sin like this, mouth drooling over his shaft and balls. You look like there’s nowhere you’d rather be but between his thighs. His dick twitches with each descent your mouth makes, savouring the slight gagging noises you make against him. 

“Fuck - I’m gonna cum,” he warns, words turning into moans as you take him down your throat all at once. 

The noises that come from your mouth just get lewder, his eyes rolling into the back of his head at the sight of your hand sneaking between your thighs to touch yourself at his groans. He wishes it were him between your legs, hard dick thrusting roughly into your spent hole that he knows he needs more and more of. He wants nothing more than to rut into you like an animal, neglect all of his needs if it means you’ll whine his name so prettily it makes his head spin. The thought of it makes him cum deep down your throat, his voice almost drowning out the sound of you choking on his cum. He continues to lazily thrust into your mouth, the aftershocks of his orgasm making his muscles twitch. 

You sit up when he’s done, wiping the corner of your mouth and licking off the cum that comes off it with a cheeky grin, making his heart skip a beat. He huffs slightly, removing his pants and you know what that means. 

Without any prompting from him you turn around and rest your head on your forearms, arching your back and spreading your thighs so his hungry eye can take in your soaked arousal. You didn’t get to cum earlier, not properly anyway. The look on his face as he was fingering you was too distracting to focus on the way he felt, ruining any true sense of pleasure you could have derived from it. Besides, this way you don’t have to see him and he doesn’t have to see you. You know that’s why he likes it this way, at least that’s why he likes it now. 

Before, he was obsessed with feeling you up, wanting to watch your ass jiggle as he pulled you onto his cock. If you really got him riled up he’d pull you up, pull his arms through and under your knees as he repeatedly fucked up into you while whispering sweet nothings into your ear. It was intimate, warm. It made you feel loved. 

Now, it was a way for him to use you without seeing you. A way to continue building that wall up between you two and you didn’t mind. If it meant that just for a second you could pretend he was looking at you like you were the greatest thing he could have then you would take it. You would take all of him over and over again if it meant you got to hang onto your delusions. 

“Now, what are you doing like that? Turn around so I can see you,” he purrs, taking you by surprise. 

You remain still, unsure of what to do. He sighs, grabbing you by your hips and turning your body over. Sprawled out on your back like this he gives you no room to escape his body, teasing his cock between your pussy lips with a self satisfied smirk. 

“Well, look who’s ready for me. I can fuck you, can’t I?” he asks cockily. 

Your nod grants him entrance, arching your back as the delicious stretch of his cock entering your body makes your mind numb. 

This. This is what you’ve missed. 

The look on his face of rapture as he feels you squeeze around him, the way he kisses you like he loves you, the way he can’t breathe without moaning into your skin, the way his hips slowly thrust into you as he waits for you to adjust to his size. All of it makes even more tears spring to your face but this time he doesn’t stop. 

Instead, he just brushes his fingers against your eyes. Tenderly, your tears are wiped away and you can’t help but keen more into his touch as you grow even more desperate for him to touch you more. You need more of this intimacy you know he can give you, whining into his lips as he kisses you to keep you quiet. 

“Kaeya, Kaeya – please don’t tease me like this,” you pant against him, bucking your hips to tell him to move faster. 

“Come on, you really think I’m that easy?” comes his smooth response. 

Your nails dig into the sheets, not knowing if he’ll let you hold him. It’s all you can do not to mark his body, terrified that one misstep would lead to him cutting you out of his life entirely. That’s something you don’t want to gamble with, knowing that once this transactional relationship is done you’ll become nothing but a mere shell of yourself. 

All your efforts are in vain when he wraps his arms around your body, holding you tight against his chest. You cling onto him like he’s your lifeline and as far as you’re concerned he is. He doesn’t brush off your touch this time, letting your nails scratch down his back when his pace picks up. The grinding of his hips against your body in this position stimulates every part of you that he reaches, only making your noises become that much more desperate. 

Your senses are filled with him, pleasure mixing with an intense sadness that this will soon be over. That soon enough he’ll be gone and the only thing that will be left to warm your sheets is a memory of him that only cares when it suits him. As your focus wanes, his intensifies, refusing to let you slip away. 

He pins you back down against the bed, pulling your hands off of him just to thread your fingers together and keep them above your head. It forces you to look at him as he fucks you, navy locks falling down to frame his handsome features as he starts to ram into you. His dick brings you back to the present and you’re no longer holding back any of your noises. You know your voice is going to go hoarse with the way you’re screaming for him but you don’t know anything else when your brain is muddled like this, letting him slot his lips between yours when you cum around him. 

Kaeya feels you clench around him, pretending that the tears on your face don’t bother him as much as they actually do. It’s the only reason he can think of to hold back from the pleasure that threatens to overtake him, knowing that once he cums it’ll all be over. That he has no reason to stay here anymore, that for your own sake he needs to leave. It doesn’t matter that he’s clearly saying the right things for you, thrilled at the way your body reacts to his voice and if it weren’t for his own actions he’d be able to take his time and tease you to his heart’s content. 

Instead, he’s rutting into you like a wild animal, burying his moans into your neck as you cum with cries of his name. There’s little room for him to focus on those mundane feelings, the one’s he can reflect on in the comfort of his cold bed. Now, he can focus on you, focus on the way his body needs you, the release that he’s been craving all day satiated as he cums deep inside of you. Your breathless noises make his cock twitch wanting to indulge in you over and over again despite knowing he won’t. 

The encounter comes to an end, the unspoken rule between the two of you ever since your explosive fight coming into effect. Neither person says anything they’ll regret. Neither person asks for the other to stay. 

He wordlessly cleans the two of you off, finishing with a soft kiss to your lips. You’ve grown to expect it now, unsure if it’s because he’s so used to showering you with aftercare or because it’s a fissure of his facade. You don’t let him go as soon as he pulls back, instead chasing his lips to deepen the kiss. When he responds in kind you’re shocked, but you want to milk it for as much as you can, closing your eyes as you cup his face in your hands. 

When you both part to breathe you take a minute to just look at him, melting into his being and speaking without thinking. 

“I love you.” 

The three words hang heavily in the air, dread flooding your chest as you try to figure out how to remedy the situation. He sighs in your panic, shaking his head and pulling back from you. The tears spring to your eyes again and you wish that you could do something rather than just cry as he gets dressed and ready to go. You watch as he’s about to walk through the door, turning back just to glance at you. 

“I know you do.” 

And with that he’s gone, every trace that he was once here taken with him again. 

And with that, you collapse into yourself again, knowing that you’ll do anything if it means seeing him again, just for a minute. 

#kaeya x reader #kaeya smut #kaeya alberich x reader #genshin x reader #genshin smut

[yandere-dandelion]

Okay, just here me out!

Yandere Iida upon realizing that his Darling gets depressive episodes that lead to them not eating, drinking, showering, brushing their teeth, changing clothes, and sometimes it takes threats of punishments to get them out of bed. I can struggle with stuff like this sometimes, and I do use some shortcuts (Putting the toothbrush in the shower so you can get it done all at once), but there are still days where I struggle. So how would Yandere Iida handle it?

YOOOO SAME HERE!!! That’s actually part of the reason I got into yandere stuff, bc I’m autistic + mentally ill, so I can’t do a lot of stuff myself so I fantasize about someone else taking control even tho it’d probably be infuriating irl. There’s a lot of other stuff too but that’s one of the big ones

Anyways, I hope you like this (:

TWs: ableism, yandere, depression

Before Iida was your yandere, he was your friend.

As a hero and as your friend, Iida saw it as his responsibility to help you, even if you didn’t ask for it, even if you told him not to.

And at first, Iida is a great helper! Always patient and accepting, always helping, sometimes inventing new ways for you to deal with the challenges of your disability.

He splits chores with you to make them easier and more manageable. You clean one part of the house, he’ll clean the rest. He’ll put the laundry in the wash, you put it in the dryer. He’ll do the shopping, you can help him cook. He’ll wash the dishes, you put them away. That way, the chores will actually get done, and you can be a little more active without getting overwhelmed by the tasks or spending too much energy.

He’ll come up with new ways to overcome the challenges of your disability— different ways to make life easier. Exercises you can do without getting out of bed, breaking down tasks into smaller chunks, creating scripts for phone calls, dry shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste tablets, automated and voice activated gadgets so you don’t have to move, things like that.

But you’re never obligated to do anything. He understands how hard it can be to live with a disability, he understands your limitations, and he’s willing to help however he can. He WANTS to help.

Basically, Iida is the best helper you could ask for.

Gradually, though, he gets more overbearing, to the point where he spends more time in your home than in his.

When he’s away, he gets anxious. What if you need him and he’s not there? You can’t take care of yourself without him. You can’t take care of yourself, period.

Eventually, Iida starts sleeping on your couch, then in your room, then in your bed with you, because he wants to be there in case you need him and because he needs to be close to you.

He takes over all the chores and insists that you never leave the house because it’ll undoubtedly be too difficult for you. He starts changing your clothes himself, manipulating your body like a doll. He carries you everywhere, even to the bathroom. He bathes you. He brushes your teeth. He does everything.

And because you’re not allowed to do anything for yourself, your sickness gets worse. And since your sickness gets worse, he can take care of you even more!

If you protest, he ignores you. You must not want to burden him, you’re probably unused to being cared for like this, you just don’t know what’s good for you.

Instead of kidnapping you and locking you in his own house, he moves into yours and refuses to leave or let you out.

Iida wouldn’t threaten punishment except as a last resort because even though he’s a yandere, he’s compassionate and doesn’t want to hurt you. He wants you to get better! He wants you to be happy!

A few snapshots of this universe:

If you didn’t tell him about it-

“How did you even find out about my sickness?”

“I wasn’t stalking you!”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Actually nah he’d probably feel too bad about lying to you. He’d just change the subject and refuse to answer the question.

•••

“Don’t you think this is a little too much? I appreciate the help, but I don’t need you to stay here all the time.”

“It’s okay, you’re not a burden to me at all!”

•••

“Please go home, you haven’t left for days and you’re honestly creeping me out.”

“Poor thing, you’re just not used to being cared for. It’s okay, you’ll learn to love it.”

•••

“Let me out! I don’t want or need your help, you creep!”

“You’re just scared that I’ll leave and you’re trying to push me away before that happens. It’s okay, I won’t ever leave you.”

#yandere bnha #yandere iida #my writing #green warning

[nothums-from-tj]

In honor of me coming out to my dad tomorrow uhhhhh here’s a playlist to send to a loved one you plan on coming out to (starts with information, then with advice and stories, and then good trans/non-binary representation in media) bc I’m gonna be sending this to him afterwards. Feel free to use this playlist and these resources for your own coming out if you’d like :] it’s a long list so uh scroll to the end for my final point

PFLAG (can help parents find support groups to try to cope bc this is a shift in relationship and it’s ok for them to grieve, or at least find other resources to help them to support you)

HRC Resources (this particular section debunks myths on transgender issues and popular arguments against trans people and transitioning and answering common questions about said issues)

Understanding Gender Identity (article with a long list of definitions, go through and tell them what to start with to understand you and the situation better; there’s a beginning part too, though I feel it’ll be too confusing to start them off there)

Transgender Brain and Gender Identity (article discussing some improvements in transgender research and providing hope for trans people’s future I’d think, it’s a little wordy and an excellent read methinks)

GC2B (for my AFAB friends, this is probably the highest quality chest binder you can get and wearing a thin top under or wearing it inside out should help with any sensory issues, also since it’s made by fellow trans mascs they know how to not hurt our bodies; transitional gear is an excellent way for a loved one to support you if they can afford it; DO NOT go a size too small, don’t even risk it, they don’t work the way bras do)

Transguy Supply (also for AFAB friends, this I mostly trust for packers and packing boxers, and again transitional gear is an excellent way to support you if it can be afforded; do your own research for packing so you and your loved one are on the same page or at least you’d be able to let them know)

Menstrual Boxers (last one for AFAB friends lol, specifically for y’all who menstruate; this is such a dysphoria reliever for me as it feels like men’s underwear and I don’t have to really worry about “protection” for a little while, they also have regular “girl” boxers that can help you find a middle ground of sorts with the person you’re coming out to for a bit, just to ease into it)

Bra Resource (now for my AMAB pals, unfortunately I’m not skilled here as I myself am a trans man so I want to do my best here anyway: here is an article written by a trans woman with her bra experience and has varying other articles that I’m hoping will help you and a loved one out to pick one out for you as, again, transitional gear is an amazing way to support you if they can afford this type of gesture)

Tomboy X (from compression tops to packing boxers to adaptable bras to gaffs, y’all are set to go with just about everything here they do their best to relieve everyone’s dysphoria—def look at the reviews for things for a better judgement)

TransTape (skin-safe “tape” that can be used for packing, binding, and tucking; I think binding with TT is safer than with a binder since it’s not actually compressing, don’t quote me on that though; READ THE INSTRUCTIONS before use, please don’t hurt yourself)

Reminder that while it’s not your responsibility to do all the education for them, it’s important to push them in the right direction, at least to give them reliable sources. Make sure to look at the sites, read the articles, and watch the videos either before your coming out or do this with them so you can pick and choose what you want to narrate in your own experiences. Stay cool and be safe! Feel free to reblog with other sources, tips, anything you want to add!

If it helps at all: they don’t need to fully understand, the goal is that they accept you

(Edit from the next day, 5/5/2023: everything’s good and fine and cool between us and I can only hope y’all have a similar experience <3)

#transgender #coming out #tj talks #playlists #trans resources #amab #afab #ftm #mft #transmasc #transfem

[littlespoonevan]

Hiii Ciara my most beloved source of buddie brainrot and general weewoo madness 😍

I need to know all your thoughts/hopes/dreams/theories regarding the episode titles immediately (if it's not too much to ask obv 😇)

I myself have been freaking out all day and i need to know i'm not alone😭

Anyways love you, hope you're having a great day 💜

oh anon, i am SO excited!!!!! all of the titles have so much potential???????? i’m literally 👀👀👀👀👀 at every single one of them lmao. i haven’t thought through them much yet but let’s go down the line and see what we can come up with:

6x01: Let The Games Begin - i am still Agog over this i can’t decide where it’s gonna go??????? i do think it’ll be bobby/athena heavy and i’m also convinced it’ll be fun but in the kind of chaotic way that leads into the opening disaster

6x02: Crash and Learn - Very intriguing, likely related to the opening disaster in some way so the “crash” part is especially curious if we are going down the cruise route where something happens during the honeymoon. it feels a little like “sink or swim” to me in the sense there’s obviously a double meaning since they’ve reworked the phrase but also that it's gonna be somewhat literal as well

6x03: Animal Instincts - this one is just????????? whAT DOES THAT MEAN?????? if we’re still in the middle of the opening disaster i have no idea where we go with this or how it ties in???????? if we’re not then it’s????? calls about animals??????? but also related to the characters somehow?????? i have no idea lmfao

6x04: Evil - i mean this could literally be anything this is so vague sdkjfhs what i will say is that some of my favourite eps have single word titles and 911 has never written a bad episode 4 so i am Excited

6x05: Home Invasion - definitely henren heavy and likely ending on a cliffhanger to lead into 6x06. i’m assuming there will be a literal home invasion of some sort but they could definitely do a play on words with this too to relate it to a more lighthearted storyline (*cough*buddieroommates*cough*)

6x06: Henren Begins - I. CAN’T. WAIT. this is all i’ve wanted and asked for for literal MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to see their first date and them adopting denny and their first wedding and also, per a post i made 3 months ago, i need girl on the moon to play by foreigner to play during their first date scene bc karen is a rocket scientist and hen is falling in love w her

6x07: Cursed - i know it’s airing in november but i really hope it’s a proper halloween ep!!!!! if we’re not getting a christmas ep we dESERVE a halloween ep. let it be fun and full of shenanigans please!!!!!

6x08: Pilgrimage - very, very interested in this. i think it’s likely going to have something to do with bobby but possibly also eddie???? also i just feel like it’s going to hurt but in a good way (i think) skadjfhsa

6x09: Warning Signs - i’m scared of this one lmfao. that is a Very Stressful title for a midseason finale ep sakdjfha i do think it’s gonna hint at a character breakdown, be that bobby or buck or hen (as i saw someone theorise earlier) and perhaps the other characters’ not realising (or finally realising) something is wrong. i think there’s a lot of potential here and tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if we’re left with a midseason cliffhanger

all of these are subject to change obviously as info gets revealed to us but these are my initial reactions/impressions just based on the titles and the 15 minutes i’ve looked at them asdkjfhs thanks for ur message, my love!! 💖

#anon #asks #season 6 speculation

[nukenai]

the things that hurt are surprising sometimes

stuff like the mods in book of boba fett being regarded by so many people are stupid characters when i really related to them

stuff like “if you had robot parts, in real life capitalism would ruin it forever because blah blah��

stuff like “your own personal wishes for your body bc of a complex psychological condition are offensive to real life people with completely different conditions”

the general idea that if a part of your body is not made of flesh that you have less humanity.

stuff like “you have to accept all your problems as part of you and your identity, and being negative against them goes against being body positive, which offends other people for some reason”

i just. i’m sorry, i’m not positive about my body! i hate it and it feels wrong and i want to fix it. I wish i could delete my disabilities and i don’t like them and wish i did not have them. I wish i didn’t have chronic fatigue or a spinal deformity or a fucked up hip from said spinal deformity. I wish I didn’t get headaches if i don’t wear my glasses for 10 minutes. I wish I didn’t feel trapped in a body I am utterly repulsed by in every way! it’d be nice if some therapist could help me learn “actually your body is beautiful and you should love yourself the way you are”, but... I kind of don’t want to! i don’t want to be in pain and disgusting and repulsed by myself all the time. I don’t think any amount of someone else telling me my body is good because it’s mine can help.

90% of the time i’m ok and can deal with it if i just don’t look at myself for very long but this has been a week of nightmares for me. i cope with it through my fanfics and through some music. but then i go online and see discussions of how my personal psychological condition, and the treatment for it I wish i could get, is somehow degrading to other people who have a completely different fucking problem than me.

and i don’t know if this has a name! i’ve tried researching a ton. “body integrity identity disorder”... no, I don’t want to just remove my limbs because I feel like they shouldn’t be there. They’re just THE WRONG ONES and I DO NOT LIKE THEM. Really it’s my whole body but it’s like, I’d settle for limbs, you know?? I’m fine with settling I’ve done it all my life.

And it has nothing to do with anyone else! I think if someone thinks their body is beautiful no matter what it is looks like, and their illnesses and conditions are part of themselves, that’s admirable and great for them. This is not about them because it’s about ME and how I cannot get there. Like, how could I talk to a therapist about this? The treatment for it is defeating the negative thoughts. To come to accept myself, maybe not be positive but to just be like “eh, this is alright”. Which is where I’m at a lot of the time, but it doesn’t make the problem go away. And I also don’t feel like any actual mental health professional would believe my problem is real. When I can’t even find any explanation of it or another person who feels like this on the whole internet? When I’ve tried researching for years and have only found recognized conditions vaguely in the same general idea as how I’m feeling?

To me it feels like the treatment for this would be someone showing me a red piece of paper, and telling me it’s blue until I believe it’s blue. Even if I’m saying “fine, I guess it’s blue, and I can live with that”. but it’s just NOT BLUE and I DON’T BELIEVE THAT and the only way it can actually be blue is if you paint it! Sure maybe it’ll be red underneath still. Maybe parts of the blue paint will chip off and you can see a tiny bit of red. But you’d still go “oh, that’s blue”, and actually mean it.

and I see things like “it’s the abled people who want different limbs/enhancements bc they don’t actually life with the issues” or whatever. But am I really in that category if I feel agonized suffering every day?? if I sometimes even see my own hands and want to throw up bc I find them so awful, if i wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather bc I just can’t look at parts of my body. If today, well, I guess I’m avoiding mirrors, and if I wear leggings under this skirt I can pretend. because there’s no real fix for me.

I’d just like a name for what’s wrong with me so maybe I could feel like I’m not the only person on the planet who’s ever felt like this.

but then again. someone could so easily look at me and point and say “you’re able-bodied and have no health problems” because I look skinny and wear clothes too big for me a lot of the time and stand weird so I only look crooked because I’m standing weird. But other people don’t get to decide whether my problems are valid based on whether or not they can see them. do you have any idea how many times people have actually told me to my face “but you’re not disabled” and I get to ruin their performative little day. it has happened MORE THAN FUCKING ONCE.

tl;dr i’ve been having a really bad body dysphoria spiral for a straight week and it feels like everything i see is making it worse. which is a great thing, because i possess a problem that literally cannot be fixed in any feasible way.

#body dysphoria talk. you dont have to read. #just venting #NINE THOUSAND WORDS THREE PEOPLE DEAD ELEVEN WOUNDED

[euphoricfilter]

Ah so many good replies to my recent asks! Thank you! Not me asking for it and then feeling sad about the contract ending and the relationship for the contract ask lol it’s an interesting concept but oof it hurt a lil lol. My hollyhomburg thoughts kinda going everywhere lol. And I ask you for thoughts like 3 times, sorry lol. Yeah, I’ve read hollyhomburg’s fic! One of my favorite writers. They said the next ch is going to be smutty so 👀 I love their smut in bily but they space it out more which is nice too. The fluff is also super cute. And the angst is top tier. I’ve teared up to it a few times. Their omegaspace stuff is so good and written the most I’ve read in bts omega verse fics. Mc is so cute especially during it. The Namjoon feeding her on her lap and then lightly scruffing her part ahh omg. I love the casual dominance!! I wanted to ask you about it but idk if you’d know what I meant lol Please share some thoughts on it! I kinda want that bc I find it hard to take care of myself with food, water, and sleep ;^; Collars is a holy grail ch omg! it’s written so well for a concept I love. I follow them on Twitter and read some good member x members fics based on their likes. I’m too scared to check their nsfw account hmm even though I think they’re pretty. The snake top pic omg. I just want to imagine them as cute :( But not them saying mc’s heat will come closer to the end of the series TT I’m hoping we’ll get to see the others in rut and heat soon at least. The tae and Jimin in the car scene omg. Slick drunk Namjoon with his chain collar and leash. The spanking ch esp bc yoongi uses mc’s thighs and we first get to see slick drunk Namjoon. I can’t wait to read when mc can fit him. The few ideas she wrote that Namjoon is so big. It makes his pups quiet and dumb during cockwarming omg. I crave a full on puppy hobi scene with mc there too. But it’s still slow burn between them. It’s so torturous but good. Please share thoughts on puppy hobi and mc with Namjoon and Jin dom! Omg dom Jin is so good here. I also thought the full alpha bts pack would include omega mc but it’s cute as is too. Please share thoughts on thus! Tae’s story and poems. Mc’s development TT NOODLE best boi! Too bad he doesn’t like all of the pack, but the reasoning is nice :/ How could they make it that noddle doesn’t like Yoongi though?! I want to imagine Yoongi with a cat since we haven’t seen it irl :/ It’s such a masterpiece omg! -🖤

IM SORRY AVOUT THE CONTRACT ASK LMAO

ahhh i’ve been reading bily since the first chapter and i’m so excited for the next one!!!!!!! their writing is always so pretty ahhhh

the m/c and namjoon’s recent date was cute as well AND NOODLE IS A WHOLE BABY i’d have thought that maybe because the m/c and yoongi are bonded noodle would have warmed up to yoongi more

i’ve really enjoyed the series so far though! it was always nice to wake up to the new chapter and i don’t usually read slow burn fics because i’m extremely impatient and like to be able to finish a series in like 2 or 3 sittings. however! bily is definitely one of my favorite stories on tumblr!

i love the idea of just being taken care of, it can be really hard sometimes to remember to do everything by yourself and making sure that you’re healthy, i’d sell a kidney to just have someone do all of the hard bits for me 😭

ahh i haven’t followed them on twitter maybe i should do that!!!!

i’m interested in the way they plan to write the rut/ bear scenes especially since i think a lot of the big stuff if happening towards the end of the series!! i’ll wait though because i know it’s going to be good. it’ll be interesting to see everyone’s dynamics while all in that situation rather than 3-4 of them at a time

JIMIN AND TAE CAR SCENE I SCREAMED

there’s something so yummy about the m/c physically being too small to take namjoon and you just know it’s going to be so so good when she finally can

m/c x puppy hobi would be really interesting to see but as it stands we’re still slowly working towards their relationship 😭

i think puppy hobi is really cute and somehow really fits his character. i also love the dynamic between namjoon and the m/c, just broad alpha who’s really trying his best to keep everyone together and slowly learning how to love the m/c the way she needs to be loved is so precious. now i love the m/c x jin even more HES SO I DONT EVEN HAVE THE WORDS EXCEPT YES PLEASE jin is just so yummy and i love how he loves the m/c and just always seems to know what’s best and he’s firm but not pushy

the m/c’s development has been slow but when you look back on earlier chapters shes come so far!!!! and i love tae’s character she’s so precious and her whole storyline has been so interesting to read about and now that she’s come out IM SO EXCITED FOR MOMMY TAE IM GONNA SCREAM

bily is definitely a masterpiece and will remain one of my favorite fics i’ve ever read!

#ask #🖤 anon

[takecareluv]

heyy love! hope ur doing well :) just wanted to kinda rant here because i consider your blog to be an extremely safe space

so im losing all friends :( well, kinda.. ive made a few new ones too.. but these girls ive known them since 3rd grade and we used to be so close and do everything together and then the pandemic happened and i kinda lost touch with them since none of us really had phones yet back then.. but they still stayed in touch and now since everything has gone back to normal they're all still best of friends and im just kinda there.. but the fact that hurts me the most is that its not only that things have gotten awkward because we haven't really spoken but that they don't seem interested in "having me back" and idk im not able to accept these changes like my heart aches everytime i see them together. i don't even really try to approach them either because its awkward and they don't try to include me in things even when im around :(

btw pls feel free to take ur time to reply to this or not reply at all! i understand and just typing it all out helped a little so you're good <3

hi luv! it really makes me so happy that you consider this a safe space. <3

i’m so sorry that you are currently going through all of this. i know how hard it can be to lose some of your closest friends. from my own personal experience i can say your heart is going to hurt for some time and that’s okay, give it the time it needs to heal. i will say though during that time try not focus on them and keep up with everything they’re doing. (i’ve made that mistake of constantly checking ex-bestfriend’s pages & watching their stories, and it only upset myself further). instead i recommend devoting your time to yourself (do a little self care, treat yourself bby! you deserve it!), focus on your hobbies or maybe try out new ones! spend time with your family & nourishing other (or building new) relationships. and soon enough, you’ll realize you forgot all about them. it’s crazy how abruptly it’ll happen too. at least speaking from my own experience, it was like i was hurting day after day, constantly thinking about how it could’ve been or how i could make things different, and then one day i woke up & i didn’t cry! their names didn’t even cross my mind! and i will be honest, i think a bit part of what helped that to happen was closure. (i know so cliche and what everyone says) but bc i was always thinking about how things could’ve been different or what would happen if i messaged them/what i would say/how they would respond, etc. etc. once i finally did just that, they slowly started to fade from my mind. i was able to move on.

i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. the universe has a plan for us and even with some of the worst things that have happened to us, they have led us to exactly who & where we are today, exactly where we’re meant to be.

a big part of growing up, as hard as it is at the time, is losing old friendships and making new ones. some people aren’t meant to be apart of your life forever. and especially when you growing up itll happen more than you might would like it to. as you grow up, you grow out of some people and that’s okay. it only means your making room for better ones to come! youre growing & changing, and that’s a good thing! i know sometimes it’s easier to stick with people who you’ve known for so long because there’s a sort of comfort in it; but it’s also okay to let go of those relationships if they don’t serve you any longer. and especially if those people aren’t making an effort to even include you, they don’t deserve your time and energy. screw them for not realizing how amazing you are! but trust me when i say eventually you will find those incredible friends that are going to include you in everything because they want you there, & they will treat you how you deserve & you’re going to have so much fun with them! these old friends will soon become a distant memory.

and who knows, maybe some time in the future you’ll reunite with those friends. it’s happened to me before! i had best friend that i had a falling out with when i was thirteen years old. she eventually apologized, and we would occasionally chat but nothing more than that. now six (almost seven) years later she hit me up, we went for coffee and now we’re friends again! i never would have thought we would be friends, let alone hang out again, but yet here we are! life’s always brings us the unexpected like that. and even though we’re friends again now, and i’m so extremely happy we are, i don’t doubt for a second that all those years apart were necessary for us to grow, become who we are today, and allow us to be better friends to each other now that we might not have been able to be earlier.

anyway… ill stop myself before i write a whole essay (might be too late tho). i hope some of that made sense, i’m realizing now i much i rambled, i apologize. but i hope this helps you in any way. i honestly might not have given any actual good advice, but i hope some of it helps you. just know, you are not alone. so many (including me) have gone thru similar experiences. you will get thru this, my dear! i love you.

if you ever want to chat or rant or anything, just know you have a friend right here <3 never hesitate to send an ask or direct message if you’d prefer that. i will always, always answer. all my love <3

#answered asks

[aajjks]

Things suck recently. This is another one of my stupid vents to the internet as a stranger on the internet spreading their TMI about their pathetic life and I’m just here bc I have no better outlet.

Within 2 weeks since school started it feels like everything has fallen apart. I’m arguing w my friends and most of them aren’t talking to me while I’m going through the toughest time of my life rn. My family is struggling in ways more than one. The new dance crew I’m in feels so unfamiliar and I don’t have friends there. The old one kicked me out of the gc (understandable bc I’m not in it obv) but it just makes me feel so empty and like dying. The last thing I was able to see from the chat is their rehearsal video and all my teammates look so happy. It feels like every life or group that I was ever a part of always becomes happier or better without me. I don’t even have the time to cry anymore because the 24 hours of my day are half school, half dance/vocal, and half hw. I barely even have time to eat, do chores, or go on my phone like I am now and the reason I can even do that now is bc it’ll take away from my sleep time instead. everything is so much and it feels like I’m healing, hurting, and losing myself all at once. I’m trying to keep my head up and look forward to small things like updates on ur blog or just anything but when those come I barely have the time to look at them now. As a person I’ve been through a lot but this is charting as probably the worst time I’ve ever had and this time no one can help me. I can’t drop dance or vocal bc im so dedicated and I can’t drop out of school or do less hw. My childhood had always been lost growing up but now it feels like my youth has become nothing but training in the studio for a choreography I won’t even get cast in and doings mountains of work that won’t help me if I’m stuck in poverty in the future. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I’ve become insecure of every atom that makes up me.

And now the only thing I can do is be a moping, lifeless loser and complain about it like it’ll do anything. Growing up really sucks, you can probably relate to that as well. I hope you do well on your exams goddess, and take this as a sorry for all my random vents that might appear in the future too. Don’t post this if u don’t want to honestly, it’s hard to say anything abt this and u shouldn’t have to be comforting or caring to someone you don’t know on the internet. Just hope you can have less stressful days, exams really suck and I hope you can rest and take care soon. Btw I’m not super young like a primary school kid and just got hw assigned for the first time ever or sth I’ve been doing it all my life but this year it’s just sm worse.

- the 🐇 anon who said she was gonna write regular asks soon but lied

my love.. I’m not even going to lie but yes life fucking sucks. We’re struggling nonstop w/o any break or good thing in life…. God the depression that I get when I think about my future just makes me want to quit everything and sit like a pathetic loser….

It fucking hurts to feel excluded and feel like the world is better/happier without your presence, makes my guts clench so hard.

God… I can’t even imagine the level of your exhaustion… hw/vocal and dance practice for so many hours w/o any good outcome yet must feel so burdening… with family and personal issues as well…

I can relate to you…. Oh my god my mind is too not in a good place but here’s the thing I tell myself.

I have to keep trying and survive. That’s the thing.

No matter how hard it is to try to go on and repeat the same routine every single day.

And can I tell you something personally? I really really think that you’ll succeed. I really want you to keep trying… keep working hard because I just know you’re going to make it, better than anyone else…

Please don’t give up. It takes a HELL lot to achieve your dreams…. I don’t have the guts to haha but I want you to fulfill your dream!!! And become happy! ❤️

tbh you’re so gutsy to not have given up, I’m soooo proud of you and I’ll be rooting for you like a top fan ;) trust me you’re going to BE SUCCESSFUL 😋❤️

#asks #🐇 anon

[dex-starr]

I wonder why you treated me like that instead of just talking about it. It might be something I will always wonder haha. Like I don’t think I was that stubborn, but I know I was broken down. I know I wasn’t me anymore. I know I shattered into so many pieces that I tried to pick up alone.

It’s just making me think a lot bc apparently I have a lot of desirable traits in a partner — I just undersell myself and amp up my mistakes so much. Look I’m not saying that I need to be with you now, I’m just saying that unfortunately the curious part of my brain will always want to know why. I’ll never get a straight answer from you though, I’ll either get a half truth or a misdirection because that in your nature unfortunately. I’ll only get what is true if you think it’ll hurt me — if I’m guessing correctly still. Or I won’t get an answer anyway. It’s not that it bugs me as much these days. It’s just that I want to know how to make sure people can see how much I love them bc clearly that did not work with you no matter what I did.

I don’t want to repeat that mistake, I am only my words and actions. Unfortunately sometimes my actions don’t fully match with my words through and it’s not because I don’t mean my words — I’ve moved past that so many years ago. I can’t say empty words. I feel like I have no time left and I’ll just wither away. I don’t want to leave things unsaid. I don’t want to not have my intentions and feelings be known. I want all that is me to be bare and for it to be known as the truth.

What I was trying to say is sometimes my actions don’t work with my words because my brain just doesn’t help me out there. I hate having to fight it but there are circumstances where I will fight it tooth and nail. Am I just saying that? No. I wouldn’t be here if I was just half-assing it. I wouldn’t be hurt still if I was not betting it all.

I think I live life knowing there’s a strong chance I’ll lose — through no fault of anyone or anything. Sometimes things are just stacked against you from the start and that’s an unfortunate truth. So I knew there was a strong chance we would fail, I knew there was a chance we’d break up. The bigger fear I had was that you’d decide not to be in this world anymore or that I would somehow get taken away from it. That’s the loss I would think of often bc of what you’d say and mention and what happened to me in all those years.

The big difference is that I had hope that it wouldn’t happen, I had hope. I has hope even at the end of the road. I had hope every time I approached you after that. I had hope for however long I mourned the loss of you too. Hell I think as of a few days ago I still had some hope there. But that is not something I would give up everything that I know for… not anymore at least.

I will always be me, faults and all. Good things and bad. I hope the scales tip more positively but I know there’s parts of me that I just wish weren’t a thing but they are.

You’ll always be you — good AND bad. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I knew what I was getting into and I knew my choice. I know I gave you the benefit of the doubt always and your word was always the truth and sacred to me. But I don’t think I quite that same unconditional treatment and the problem was that I was convincing myself because of the way you looked at me.

I think that was it. I think it was the way I saw you looking at me. It was what let you get nestled so deep in my heart. But these days I think maybe you weren’t really looking at me fully, part of me hopes that you were. Although part of me knows that realistically speaking if you did well…. You’d have actually believed me and believed in me.

#shut up pls dex #feelings are difficult — when you’re a dumbass

[10-20am]

I know what he means but…

had a talk around cluster b disorders with my fiancé, as I suffer from BPD. he’s always made it very clear he loves me as a whole package, not just for my best moments, and although I have rarely shown him what it’s like except for a few times (I tend to shut down more than react nowadays), he’s been with me through all of those. we started a conversation about how he too seems to display some of those symptoms such as an intense fear of abandonment and behavior that goes with it, very similar to how I was when I didn’t yet have therapy or a proper diagnosis. it has taken me years to be where I’m at and to “correct” this behavior with a more logical response on the outside, even if on the inside there’s so much to work on it’s crazy. either way he was talking about some of the telltale signs such as people ending up having trouble with the law and ending up in jail, and he OBVIOUSLY immediately said “I don’t want to be like that”. I know what he meant and I totally agree. who would wish to go to jail and lose control of themselves? however a part of me broke immediately, and luckily it was a phone call or he would’ve seen me sobbing in the span of seconds. he didn’t notice bc I tried to be SO quiet and breathe slowly instead, but my face was so wet it was hard to think. after I had calmed down a little I had tried to explain that I knew what he meant and I could take that kind of sentence, but to please be mindful if he was ever around people with similar personality disorders or the same bc it can be really hurtful. I felt like a piece of shit bc I know what he meant but I can only imagine what this would feel like on a younger me, freshly diagnosed with all the issues in the world with yet another person saying it’s so bad to be me the thought saddens them and scares them. I know it might not be rational but I know that when you feel hurt there’s very little to be rational about. I was calm when I said this and asked him to be a bit more mindful, and it took me a lot of courage to do so. he immediately started explaining himself saying he didn’t want to hurt me and he exclusively meant those things that he had read on the ASPD column, saying and reminding me how he always thought I was perfect (which he really says a lot and reminds me of when I’m at my weakest) and in his eyes I always was and would always be. he’s such a great human being and the LOML but maybe it’ll take some time before I can accept those compliments. I tried to brush it off as me trying to be funny but my brain and my mouth legitimately couldn’t get themselves to comply whenever he said “you’re absolutely perfect to me”. I kept quietly sobbing asking myself if I was even lovable let alone perfect and was lowkey shaking. I kept saying “no, you are!” like we always do but man was I in extreme pain from having to act like I wasn’t hurt. then he finally got to work so the call had to end and he kept saying that he loved me and I was perfect so I tried my best to compose myself and act normal bc I wanted him to have a good day. after the call was over I had to put my hand over my mouth and pray no one heard me because I was crying so loudly I thought I was literally going to disintegrate in a pool of my own tears. I don’t know how the rest of the day will go but man do I feel unloveable and irrational.

#bpd vent #actually bpd #日記

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: when chan comes home one night feeling upset, you do your best to ease his worries and give him some much-needed hugs

pairing: chan x reader

genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, established relationship

warnings: swearing (like once), mentions of hate comments, self-hatred, perfectionism, unhealthy sleeping routine, but also some cuddling and softness bc channie deserves only the best 🥺

author’s note: this is a very early bday gift for my dear unnie @chaotic-fairy 💜 and the title was inspired by billie eilish’s song everything i wanted, while the scene with berry was influenced by this fanart

word count: 1k

You were waiting for your boyfriend Chan to come back home. It was getting pretty late but you didn't feel sleepy and wanted to see him. You knew that he was busy working and creating more music but still, you couldn't help but miss him and wish for more time to spend in his arms. Finally, at around 3am you heard the door unlocking and his figure sliding inside quietly, probably because he thought you had fallen asleep by now. Judging by his crestfallen expression, something had happened. It was possible that he was just really tired but still, you had to make sure he was okay.

"Hey, baby, is everything alright?" you asked him and greeted him with a hug.

"I'm fine," he mumbled but you knew him well enough to know when he was lying. He even tried to fake a smile in an attempt to continue pretending but it was quite unsuccessful, in your opinion.

"You can tell me anything, you know that, right? How was your day?" you insisted.

"Everything's normal," Chan shrugged but you weren't having it.

You gave him the look. The one that suggested that bottling things up was very unhealthy. He immediately understood and sighed. Then, he slowly started opening up:

"It's just that...I saw some mean comments about the members and...I got really angry. They don't deserve such treatment and I wish there was something I could do to stop people from hurting them."

"Haters will always find something good to shit on but their vile words signify nothing. I'm sure the members are fully aware of that. And they have you."

"I know, but still. They're doing their best and I get super frustrated when their efforts remain unnoticed."

"I'm certain that STAY appreciate the members' hard work. As do their family. And you and I."

"I suppose you're right," Chan smiled sadly. But you could tell there was more on his mind. You didn't want to press him too hard so you simply waited. After a couple of moments, he continued talking. "The thing is...when I read such comments about myself, I couldn't care less. I mean, I hate me too, so what else is new?" he laughed coldly.

"Oh, Channie," you cried out in pain, beyond devastated that your loved one felt this way. "I wish I could make you see yourself the way I do. The way the members do. The way STAY do. You are beyond amazing and I don't just mean your song-writing skills or your lovely voice or your stage presence or your beautiful body. Though I appreciate all these things as part of you, I mostly fell in love with your pure heart, your wonderful personality, your genuine smile. How you always reassure everyone around you with your kind words. How you manage to make someone's day with your warm hugs and your sense of humour and your gentle soul. How you take care of everyone. Let me take care of you for a change."

Your boyfriend's eyes teared up with emotion and he couldn't do much but stare at you in disbelief.

"Thank you, dearest. It'll take me some time to believe that but I appreciate you saying all this. And I'm really grateful that you're there for me. Even though I'm far from perfect. I wish I could give you more of my time and..."

"Christopher, stop," you scolded him playfully but with no ill intent. "You are more than perfect to me. And if you don't like that word, I won't use it. How about this...you are more than good enough."

"That sounds nice," he chuckled lightly.

"Let's get you to bed, alright?" you suggested.

"I don't feel like sleeping, though," he groaned. Even after working late hours, he was still having a hard time letting go and just taking it easy.

"I won't force you, of course. But can I at least hold you?"

"There's nothing I would like more."

Once you got on the bed inside your room, you noticed the lovely Berry sleeping soundly. Chan gently caressed her, his hands barely grazing her fur, so that he wouldn't wake her up. You smiled fondly. He had the biggest heart. It was beyond you how he didn't realize how special he was, not just to you but to many others, as well. When you were both safely tucked beneath the sheets, you pulled him closer into a tight embrace. Running your fingers through his hair and whispering soft words into his ear, you could feel his usually tense muscles slowly relaxing.

"I love you," you murmured quietly.

His breathing had become more regularly paced and you realized he was already drifting away into dreamland. So much for not feeling sleepy. You stared at his beautiful figure and didn't dare move for fear of waking him up. During those rare times when he actually got some sleep, he looked even more like the angel you knew he was. Inside and out, his heavenly heart paired with his feathery eyelashes and his soft skin. If only he knew how much he meant to you. How the earth would be such a grim place without his divine presence. With those thoughts floating in your mind like little fuzzy clouds, you soon followed him into the world of dreams.

In the morning, he was the first one to wake. Your sleep was interrupted by his moving about, but you didn't mind in the slightest. You treasured every moment spent in his company.

"Why did you let me fall asleep? Argh, you should have woken me up, I still had some work to-" he was panicking a little. But he didn't look angry with you, rather he was frustrated with himself. He always had the highest expectations of his own capabilities.

"Relax, darling," you replied. "You deserved some rest. A lot of it, actually."

"Yeah, but..."

"Shh, no buts," you insisted firmly. "Sleep is very important. Don't make me tie you up to the bed next time you ignore your health."

"Was that a threat?" Chan giggled teasingly.

"It's a promise," you grinned and kissed him softly, wrapping him into another hug so that he could stay in bed a little longer. You weren't greedy. Just five more minutes. Chan buried his head into your shoulder. Okay, maybe ten...

The End

#stray kids #chan #chan x reader #chan fluff #chan angst #bang chan #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fluff #hurt/comfort #stray kids imagines #chris bang #writing

[nationalharryleague]

Two for the Show

Summary: Jeff plans for Harry’s new opening act to be more than that. 

Genre: Famous Fake Dating! 

Word Count: 17.1k!

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A/N: Hey babes!! This is something I’ve been working on since December now and I’m so fucking proud of it and how it turned out!!! It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written and I’m so so so excited to hear what everyone has to say!! Giant thank you’s go out to the incredible soph (@theharriediaries​) and Lu (@meetmymouth​) bc this never would have come to fruition without them and their help!! Please let me know what you think!! More of my writing can be found in my masterlist!! Happy reading y’all :)

***

Keeping appearances in the public eye is a delicate balance.

If Y/N was being honest with herself, everything Full Stop Management had ever suggested to her had worked, and very well. When they suggested her music took a more pop direction, they set her up with a team of fantastic producers and her music sales and popularity skyrocketed. And when they set up an appointment with a celebrity stylist to figure out her signature style, it worked; they turned her into the 1970’s inspired goddess she had always dreamed of being. Even the hours of media training that she had been put through worked, helping her learn how to bob and weave even the most intrusive of interview questions.

But this time, she thought they might be going too far.

“Jeff,” she began with a sigh and a doubtful shake of her head, “I don’t know about this one.”

“It’s just a few months before and during the tour,” explained the man sitting across from her at the long conference table. “You’ll be seen in public a few times to drum up publicity for the tour and your album, maybe do an interview or two together, and some light PDA.”

His expression was honest and earnest. In the time he had represented her, he had never done anything to her that didn’t help her succeed. It was not hard for her to believe that he just wanted what was best for her and her career.

But something kept holding her back.

“I just got my heart broken in the most public way,” she said softly, absentmindedly fiddling with the base of her ring finger where an engagement ring once sat. “Isn’t it a little too soon to be seen jumping back into a whirlwind romance?”

“I don’t think so. If anything, it will make James look even worse than he already does after what he did to you.” She had to admit the idea of a little revenge did perk her ears up a bit. “And it doesn’t hurt that Harry is so universally loved and known for being such a good guy.”

That was another reason she was skeptical of this entire plot. This was Harry Styles they were talking about; Harry fucking Styles. She had only met him once or twice while working out details for her to be the opening act for his upcoming tour, but she had been a big fan of his and idolized him since she was a teen. Just meeting him threw her inner 16 year old self for a loop, let alone trying to pretend she was in love with him.

In all honesty, it probably wouldn’t be too hard on her end once she got over being starstruck; she wasn’t so sure she still wasn’t kind of in love with him, or at least the version the public saw.

“Listen,” Jeff began again, his voice taking on a bluntness, “no one cares about the opening act. No one bought tickets to see you; they’re there to see Harry.” His words stung but she knew it was the truth. “But if they think you are a part of Harry’s life, they care about you too. And they will keep on caring about you after they leave the show.” Her apprehensiveness must have been clear on her face when he put on a gentle smile. “He’s a really nice person. I promise.”

“I know,” she breathed, a small pout finding its way to her lips. “Fine,” she conceded after a moment, throwing her hands up in the air dramatically to signal surrender. “I’m in.”

A triumphant grin spread across his face. “Thank you. I’ll go call Harry and tell him you’re down.” She watched as he got up from his chair and came towards her, pressing a brief and friendly kiss to the top of her head. “You won’t regret this, Y/N.”

“I better not, Azoff,” she chuckled while shaking her head slightly.

Soon she was alone in the conference room, basking in the light from the floor to ceiling windows that sat before her.

“What did I just get myself into?” she mumbled quietly to herself.

***

The answer to that question came two weeks later when she was sitting across a table from the Harry Styles at a small outdoor brunch spot in LA. Their meeting place was strategic, a small restaurant, not too flashy so it didn’t look like they were seeking attention, but outdoors where anyone could see. It was only a matter of time before he was recognized, and the sighting was almost guaranteed to be trending on Twitter only minutes later.

She couldn’t say that she wasn’t nervous. The inside of her mouth had been chewed raw and the bags under her eyes showed she had been having trouble sleeping in the nights leading up to their first appearance together. By the end of the day, she would most likely have countless articles written about her and possibly have millions of angry fangirls coming after her; even though their “relationship” wouldn’t be officially confirmed for a few weeks.

If all went to Jeff’s plan, she would become an A-lister overnight.

She stood in front of her closet for over an hour, trying on and taking off outfits before finally settling on her favorite pair of bright red corduroy flares and a crisp white textured halter top. She paired the outfit with a new pair of heeled leather boots. They were a flashy pair that were split down the middle, bright yellow on one side and white with yellow stars on the other, hoping Harry would appreciate the bold colors.

She meticulously did her makeup, sure to match her lipstick color exactly to the shade of her pants; and spent far too long in front of the mirror fussing with her hair, praying it would lay the way she wanted it to.

She knew that she was going to be photographed in some way shape or form, and with the fashion icon himself. She had to look good. He had been on the cover of Vogue for god’s sake.

When she finally arrived at the cafe, Harry sat quietly across from her. He looked casual, or as casual as Harry Styles gets. A yellow t-shirt, that was tight enough to look as if it was painted on, showed off his muscular chest and arms. His iconic tattoos illustrated his arms and she hoped he wouldn’t notice as she covertly tried to examine closely. He uncomfortably ran his palms down the legs of his high waisted denim flares that had been paired with his signature pearl necklace and ratty, but well loved, white vans.

And she couldn’t forget his rings. His signature gold ‘H’ and ‘S’ looked back at her as he gently grasped his flute filled to the brim with a mimosa, bringing it to his pink lips that were surrounded by the short stubble he had been wearing lately.

The pair sat in a slightly awkward silence, both seeming to down their mimosas quickly just because it was something to do with their hands and could occupy their lips so they didn’t have to talk.

To say she was panicking, wouldn’t be too much of an over exaggeration. She was sitting across from one of the world’s biggest stars, and as one of his biggest closeted fans. The things he could do for her career were astronomical and it was hard to ignore that, but she also had a hard time getting over the way his hair seemed to fall into perfect tousled curls and his dreamy green eyes.

She had been in love with him (or at least the idea of him) since she was 16. She couldn’t help it.

But the bottomless mimosas helped to break her anxiety, and apparently his as well, as they both began to feel a slight buzz.

“So how did Jeff end up talking you into this?” Harry eventually broke the silence, the alcohol lowering his naturally shy inhibitions just enough to kick off their conversation.

She let a playful eye roll take over her face before she began. “Oh Jeff,” she said jokingly, letting out a long sigh. “I was convinced somewhere in between ‘it’ll make your ex look bad’ and a stern ‘no one ever cares about the opening act,’” she chuckled, while sarcastically wagging her finger in the air, dramatically re-enacting his scolds.

He sucked in a breath through his teeth, letting out a dramatic ‘ouch.’ “He’s not always gentle, is he?” matching her chuckle.

“He knows where to hit you where it hurts,” she laughed, while nodding in agreement. “How did he convince you?”

“Coincidently, he also took a low blow involving my ex. I believe his words were ‘You wrote an entire album about her and haven’t dated anyone since and it makes you look kind of pathetic.’” He dramatically used air quotes and did his best impression of Jeff’s American accent. She couldn’t hold back the giggles that erupted from her.

“Oh my goodness,” she let out through slightly buzzed giggles, “you definitely win.”

From that point, their conversation began to flow more easily, easing her anxiety as she learned he was generally easy to talk to. He laughed at her jokes, and she laughed at his. He really did have the calming and disarming quality that people always said he had, like could melt down any walls and convince you to be honest with him, even if you didn’t really want to be. She was shocked to find that she wanted him to genuinely be a friend to her so badly. He was just so nice and such a good listener.

Their conversation took a turn when Harry’s super power of knowing when his picture was being taken kicked in. “Give me your hand,” he said to her, diverting from the pleasant conversation they had been having about their families. “Don’t look but there’s someone across the street taking photos of us.”

His instructions brought her back to the reality that they weren’t really friends and that all of this was for show.

She brought her hand up to meet his, strategically resting on the side of the table that faced the street, giving the camera the best view. The cool metal of his hand full of rings felt good against her skin that had been baking in the hot LA sun and he passed his thumb over her knuckles with faux affection.

She couldn’t help but feel a dishonest weight pulling on her heart. She knew everything was going to plan and this was all for the best, but it also felt slightly wrong. She played with her small heart shaped earring to distract herself from the sinking feeling.

“Harry,” she began, knowing the people across the street were out of ear shot. Her voice brought his attention from her hand back up to her eyes. “Does this feel wrong to you at all?”

“How so?”

“It just feels dishonest, like we’re lying to millions of people, our–well, mostly your fans.” She couldn’t help but correct herself.

His eyes softened at her words, like he was taking in the innocence she still held onto after only being in the industry for a short time, compared to his decade in the spotlight.

“I try not to think of it as lying,” he spoke slowly after a moment of thinking. He nodded along softly to punctuate his words. “When you think about all this as lying, it starts to weigh pretty heavy on you as a person. I try to be as honest as possible in my music and daily life, but that’s not always what people want to see. They want a show that will entertain them, and it is our job to give it to them.”

“I see,” she mused.

They sat together for another hour or so, allowing their small mimosa buzz to wear off enough for them to drive the short distances to their homes. The pair eventually found their way back to a comfortable conversation, but Harry’s comment about being in the public eye still weighed on her.

Suddenly, she wasn’t sure if all of this was worth it. Y/N was a master at dodging a question and turning the charm to 10 when it was needed, but she wasn’t a liar and she definitely wasn’t an actress. She hoped she (or Jeff) hadn’t bitten off more than she could chew with all of this.

Harry eventually walked her back to her car that was parked a few blocks away, and while she was sure he was doing it for the cameras, she didn’t doubt that he would have done it even if they weren’t there. He just seemed like that kind of guy to her; caring and trustworthy.

“Thank you for a very nice date, Harry,” she said, winking and chuckling along with the extra emphasis she put on the last word.

“My pleasure,” he smiled down at her. He moved along with her as she walked to the driver's side door, opening it for her like a perfect gentleman. The two stood close, his body hovering over her’s as they stood inside the open door. Her heart rose to her throat as he leaned down to her and pressed a gentle kiss to her burning cheek.

Y/N  looked back up at him with rosy cheeks and a tightlipped bashful smile. She watched as he walked backward carefully, taking her hand that had been locked with his until he was too far and let it fall back to her body.

She situated herself in her drivers seat and was ready to leave when she heard a knocking on the passenger side window that startled her. Harry had bent himself over and was motioning for her to roll the window down. When she did, he leaned himself in, an honest look in his eyes.

“Before you go,” he said gently. “A word of advice from someone who had been in the public eye for a long time,” he spoke with a tender yet serious tone, eyes locking with hers. “When you go home today, don’t go on social media. People are mean, and it’s just going to hurt.” She nodded along with his words and watched as he pinched his bottom lip. “And when you inevitably can’t resist, text me if you need to talk about it.”

***

They must have done a good job putting on their show because within an hour of her returning home to her apartment, they were all anyone was talking about. Their names were trending worldwide #1 on Twitter. Streams of Y/N’s debut album were up by 800%, and even Harry’s streams had taken a considerable jump. Y/N had gained 40,ooo new followers and views on every interview she had ever done were steadily rising.

All was going according to Jeff’s plan.

Harry’s words circled her brain for hours. “Don’t go on social media,” she heard him say over and over again as she paced her apartment, only stopping to look at the phone sitting on the kitchen counter every so often.

She had taken a shower, done her hair, tried to watch TV, cooked herself dinner, and even tried to sit down and write a song; it all got her nowhere fast. The unknown was eating at her inside.

Y/N broke when she heard the small ding signaling she had gotten a text message. She had all but sprinted to see who it was, reunited with the outside world through her touch screen. Unsurprisingly, it was from Jeff; the message sent to her and an unknown number she assumed to be Harry’s.

Good job, kiddos., was all it read but there was a photo attached to the message. Her heart stopped while she waited for the photo to load, cursing her slow wifi in the process. After a few breathless moments, the photo came through.

It was a screenshot from the website of one of the biggest entertainment magazines in the country. A picture of him kissing her cheek was the front page of the website.

Harry Styles and Y/N Y/L/N Rumored To Be Music’s New Power Couple Ahead of Tour

She was honestly speechless. This was huge.

She would like to say the sheer shock blurred her judgement, but the curiosity just got the better of her. Harry’s words repeated over and over again in her head, telling her not to, even as her finger connected with the icon of the little blue bird.

She was the most talked about topic in the entire world, her name hovering in bold letters on the trending page. She did everything she could to not click on her name, but her fingers did it all on her own.

The first few tweets were nice. Someone said they liked her style and that they looked cute together as a couple. Another said that they had always enjoyed her music and that they were happy for them.

But as she scrolled, it became harsher and just mean. People commented on her weight, said she couldn’t sing, and criticized her personality as seeming fake and forced. Her eyes were locked on the screen, unable to look away, as her heart began to break and few tears began to roll.

It took one final, and the most painful, tweet for her to consider deleting her account completely. She swiped out of the app fast, but the words were still burned into her brain.

Y/N is using Harry, just like she used James before he got rid of her and found someone better.

The words knocked the wind out of her, pouring salt on an open wound that had yet to heal.

She also had the little blue bird for that heartbreak as well. When she opened the app two months ago, the first thing she saw was pictures of her (former) fiance, James, with his tongue down some girl’s throat. At the time she had been devastated, her heart broken beyond repair.

It felt like no one else in the world could understand the way she was feeling. If she was in this position because of another person, they must get it too. The text to Harry was already sent before she had time to think it over.

I looked and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen.

His response came only seconds later.

Don’t be sorry. It’s hard not to. Are you alright?

She had to think about his question, unsure if she knew the answer. Tears were still running down her face and she felt like she was a target the entire world had decided it was open season on. Logically, she knew these people never thought she would see these awful things, but it didn’t excuse the hurt she felt when she did.

I don’t know. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel.

She felt like she was bothering him, even though he had offered to be there for her. He wasn’t her best friend, or a close confidant; he was her fake publicity boyfriend. He had real friends he wanted to talk to or maybe even a real girlfriend underwraps somewhere. Her body was wracked with guilt as she thought it over.

People are just mean on the internet, okay? They think they can say whatever they want without repercussions. I’m so sorry that you are being targeted because of me.

Before she got a chance to think through a proper response to him, her phone dinged with another text. It was from Jeff again.

Really good job, kiddos.

Y/N was confused. They hadn’t done anything else but be seen together today. Her sick sense of curiosity got her again before she opened Twitter again and looked up Harry’s name. He had tweeted for the first time in six months only a few moments ago.

@Harry_Styles: We treat people with kindness.

***

The next time she saw him was two days later at yet another public meet up Jeff had arranged for them. Unfortunately this time, she had become just as famous as Harry seemingly overnight, the flames of her new found fame growing even larger after he had sent that tweet.

While the fame had grown, the hate had calmed since his statement, which most had taken as an official declaration of their relationship. Now, that was not to Jeff’s plans.

She had to fight her way out of her apartment complex, wearing a pair of massive dark sunglasses with circular lenses and shielding her face with her hands the best she could. But she did have to admit that the electric orange fabric of her jumpsuit probably didn’t do much to help her blend in and avoid the attention of the paparazzi that had now found out where she lived.

Harry was sitting at the table by himself facing the back of the cafe when she arrived, two cups of coffee waiting before him to be drank together placed delicately on the table. He had his head down, buried in a book, before she startled him with a hug from behind. Her cheek connected with his warm neck where she buried her head into him and she took in his dizzying cologne.

She felt him jump beneath her as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pressing a dramatic and cheesy kiss to his cheek, feeling his light stubble prick her chapsticked lips. “My hero,” she joked, trying to bring at least a little humor to the man who had just about jumped out of his skin at her touch.

It felt like she was crossing a boundary, and she was pretty sure she was, but she just needed to thank him and a hug felt like the best way to do that while in a semi-crowded coffee shop. Also, playing up that they were madly in love didn’t hurt.

“Jesus Christ,” he breathed, a hand flying over his chest in surprise to feel his racing heartbeat. “You scared the shit out of me.” Once he settled for a moment, his arm moved across his chest to rest on her arm. His touch was gentle and soft, holding her there gently like he didn’t want her to release him from her grasp. She tried not to think about it too much as she slipped her arms off of him, making her way to the seat that was clearly meant for her across from him.

“I’m sorry that I scared you. A little jumpy today?” she teasingly questioned.

“Hey, watch it,” he playfully threatened. “I believe you called me your hero about thirty seconds ago.”

“I guess I did,” she quipped over the mug she was bringing to her lips. It was sweet but not too sweet, with cream but not too much, and still piping hot; just the way she liked it. “I don’t think it’s too far off,” she smiled before turning back to the coffee. “Good coffee,” she mused. “Just the way I like it.”

“Good. I texted Jeff for your order,” he informed her, the gesture being so thoughtful and sweet she could have melted into a puddle right there and then. “And I think ‘hero’ might be a bit much,” he tacked on.

“Don’t be humble, Harry.” While her voice was still light and held a jesting tone, she meant her words. “You made the entire internet leave me alone, for the most part,” she clarified as there were definitely some nasty messages still floating around Twitter, “in five words.”

“It was the least I could do,” he said while shaking his head slightly, seeming to deflect her words.

“You could have done absolutely nothing.” She reached across the table and grabbed his hand in hers like they had staged at the cafe a few days earlier; but this time, it was an honest gesture, not one for a role they were both meant to be playing. Her words were serious, punctuating each with a gentle nod of her head. “I mean it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” His eyes held the same truthfulness and honesty she hoped she was mirroring in her own. “I know all of this,” he paused and gestured between them with his free hand, “is for publicity, but I consider you a friend. It was hard to watch it all go down like that. You’re a good person and you didn’t deserve all that. I had to do something.”

There was a warmth that flooded her chest. He called me his friend, she thought to herself, fighting back a big toothy grin. She had been under the impression that all of this was just work for him, something he was doing just to drum up publicity, with no personal connections at all. But him calling her a friend meant so much to her. It meant she was not alone in all this terrifying and overwhelming attention.

“I’m glad you think of me as a friend,” she said, still holding back her smile. “You’re my friend too.” He matched her close-lipped smile that had fought its way onto her face at her words.

They sat in silence together for a few moments. Harry returned to his book and Y/N answered emails; but their hands stayed connected across the small table. This silence was very different from the silence on the day they first met. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence that sat on your tongue, begging you to break the quiet; it was peaceful and safe.

Their silence was broken when a young woman wearing a jittery smile and nervous eyes approached their table. Her voice squeaked out a mouse-like “Hi,” towards the both of them, bringing their eyes up to meet hers and instinctively breaking their hands away from each other.

“I’m so so sorry to be a bother,” she began, cheeks red and hot. “But I’m a really big fan of both of you and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t say hello.” She rambled excitedly, mostly looking at Harry, as she held her slightly shaky hands up to her chest.

“Hello,” Harry said with one of his million dollar smiles. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Emma,” she breathed.

“Well, it’s so nice to meet you Emma.” He spoke gently with her, clearly sensing her anxiety, extending his hand for her to shake. “Thank you for all of your support.”

Y/N watched closely as he spoke with her. He spoke to her like she was the only person in the room, giving her his whole undivided attention, and repeatedly thanking her as she flooded him with compliments about how his music and message of kindness meant so much to her. She was so entranced that she nearly didn’t hear her own name being said as the girl turned towards her.

“I love your music as well,” she grinned, clearly more comfortable after her short conversation with Harry. “And your jumpsuit is just incredible.” Her nervous giggle was contagious, Y/N releasing one as well at the compliment as her cheeks heated slightly. She was shocked she even knew any of her music, clearly being the less popular of the pair.  

“Thank you so much, Emma. It means a lot.”

Emma took a few quick selfies with the both of them (that would be everywhere within a few hours), said goodbye and went to leave the two, but not before she paid them one last compliment. “You two are really cute together. I’m rooting for you.”

Both of their cheeks warmed as they looked back at each other. They were quiet for a moment, unsure how to respond, before Harry turned his attention back to the girl with a coy smile. “I am too,” was all he said.

***

The next three weeks passed in a blur of tour rehearsals, fittings, and public meetings with Harry. And then all of a sudden, it was the night of the first show.

Y/N had never been so nervous in her entire life. She would be the first face seen by just over 19,000 people, tasked to warm up the crowd and prepare them for Harry, which was enough pressure. And then there was the chance that they all hated her guts.

She stood behind the curtain, listening to the loud and inpatient crowd as she paced back and forth. She white-knuckeld her guitar, trying to keep her violently shaking hands from being too visible to the crew around her. Her stomach swirled and her palms were clammy, constantly having to rub them on the pants of her icey blue jumpsuit. It fit her like a glove, the wide legged pants and slight shoulder pads, creating a perfect hourglass silhouette; the only thing she was confident in at the moment was how good she looked in it.

Her heart leapt out of her chest and she almost hit the ceiling when a small voice appeared over her shoulder, whispering “You’re going to do great,” in her ear. If her heart wasn’t about to give out before, it was now. She swung around to face him, almost hitting Harry with her guitar, letting out a small breath of relief when her eyes met his own. They always seemed to calm her down a bit.

“I’m kinda freaking out, H,” she anxiously babbled, using the nickname he had told her to call him. “This is the biggest crowd I’ve ever played in front of, and they probably all hate me because they think I’m dating you, and I have to make sure I do a good job so they start listening to my music; and I just…” she trailed off for a second, uncomfortably scratching the back of her neck, “I just can’t let you down.”

His face softened at her words, seeming to take pity on her. “Y/N,” he began, resting his hands on her shoulders and looking so deep into her eyes she felt like he could probably see her soul. “We picked you to open because people love your music and the way that you perform. You just have to go out there and do what you do best: sing your heart out and put on a good show. It’s only 25 minutes. I know you can do it.”

Every word that left his lips was laced with honesty and encouragement; just enough for Y/N to relax her furrowed brow and give her lip a break from her constant chewing. “I can do it,” she softly repeated back to him, still not breaking contact with his striking green eyes.

A stage manager passed by them, running to some other important task, but not before tapping her shoulder. “You’re on in 30 seconds,” he spoke, just as she heard the roar of the crowd begin, signalling the dimming of the lights in the arena.

“Go kick some ass,” he winked, stepping backwards from her and releasing her from his grasp. “I’ll be watching.”

Walking on stage, she wasn’t met with ‘boo’s that had plagued her nightmares, or mean looks from the audience, or rotten tomatoes thrown from the crowd.

They were screaming in excitement, screaming for her.

From the second she started playing, the crowd had her back; the ones that knew the words to her songs sang them along with her, and the ones that didn’t, happily danced to her voice. Before long, the smile she had forced onto her face was genuine, and her set passed by with ease. When her 25 minutes were up, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to get off the stage.

She took her final bow as the crowd roared, running off of the stage into the wings, looking for one person in particular. And when she found him, she threw herself into Harry’s open and waiting arms. “I told you that you were going to do great!” He spoke excitedly into her ear and he held her close to his body, his arms wrapped around her waist tight.

She liked the way it felt to be in his arms.

Pulling away from him, she saw the massive grin that he wore for her, noting how adorable his dimples were and how the excited look in his eyes made him look like a little kid. But there was more to his face than excitement, he looked proud.

“They were so nice to me, and they knew my songs, and they were screaming so loud for me, and it just went so well. I can’t believe it!” Her previous anxious chatter had become an exhilarated rambling and she felt on top of the world.

“I can,” he grinned, looking down at his watch quickly. “I have to go get changed.” If she wasn’t so amped up, she might have noticed the disappointment that flashed over his features. “Promise me you’ll watch the show?”

“Pinky swear?” She stuck up her little finger in the air.

“Pinky swear.” He kept their pinkies locked for a moment too long, then released her hand and ran backstage to get dressed.

She kept her promise and watched with excitement as the building shook when Harry took the stage.

She had never heard something quite so loud, sure her ears would be ringing when she snuggled into her bunk on the tour bus that night. Watching him perform was mesmerizing; he knew how to work a stage in every way and make every person in the arena feel like he was singing just for them. He was larger than life while performing and his little dances and mannerisms only got more pronounced the more comfortable he got on stage. He messed with Mitch, who she had only met a few hours ago (he was very nice), and constantly praised Sarah on the drums behind him, while he looked over to Adam and sent him smiles often.

Everyone in the building came for a show, and boy, did he give them one. It was amazing to watch. There was a reason she was a fan.

Bouncing off the stage, full of adrenaline and in a post-show high, he came to find her. It wasn’t hard, as she had never left her spot on the side of the stage, unable to rip her eyes away from the man before her.

“Oh my god, Harry! That was incredible!” she said with delighted amazement.

“I’m glad you liked it.” He was smiling down at her with a big toothy grin, a hand running through his sweaty hair and pushing it off his forehead. “They only get better from here.”

***

He was telling the truth. The shows only got crazier and more exciting as the tour went on, and so did their “relationship.”

About five shows in, Jeff had Harry given her his “H” ring to start wearing. Harry didn’t seem too phased by it all even though she thought it might be too much, saying “it’s like a friendship bracelet.” But it was too big for her fingers, not because she had small hands, but because Harry’s were absolutely massive. She wore it on a chain around her neck from then on and made sure to always be seen playing with it.

Fans took notice and loved it.

A little after that, Jeff sent them off to get matching manicures. Both had a melting rainbow of oranges, pinks, and browns on their fingertips, which looked amazing in the paparazzi photos of them walking around with their fingers intertwined.

The fans loved that too.

But when she “accidentally” posted a photo of Harry on her story, the entire world lost it’s shit. In the photo, he laid sprawled across a bed in only a white hotel robe that was creeping dangerously high up his thigh. He looked sleepy and slightly sweaty, in a post-fuck haze, and clothes that looked very similar to ones she had been seen wearing in public only days before were strewn across the floor. The caption read “I love getting to love you.”

The photo had strategically only been up for about 30 seconds, but by the time it was deleted thousands of people had seen it and screenshots had been taken. They quickly circulated the internet, creating a bit of scandal. But more than anything, people began to love the two of them together even more. Harry looked genuinely happy in the photo, and for most of his fans, that was all that mattered.  

They were creating a fairytale love story for an audience, but she would be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying her role. She quite liked being his “girlfriend.”

Harry and Y/N had a way of clicking as they grew closer–quite literally as they were crammed together on a tour bus most of the time. They seemed to be able to finish each other’s sentences and always beat the other to the punchline of a joke. The pair had begun to pick up on the other’s mannerisms and habits; Y/N always teasing that Harry was going to rub his nose off one day if he kept rubbing it while he was thinking and Harry always knowing when she got enough sleep by whether or not she had put on eyeliner that morning. They swapped playlists back and forth in their bunks as they tried to doze off and always grabbed a cup of coffee for whoever had decided to sleep in the next day, now knowing the other’s order by heart.

There was only one thing she didn’t know about him that she longed to discover: what his lips felt like against her own. She could never think too hard about it though, or she may just explode.

He had become a calming presence and was currently helping her keep her cool, even though she knew the pair of interviewers across the table were getting ready to grill the pair for every detail they could get. His hand had settled on top of her knee to quell it’s nervous bouncing, but remained after she had stopped, even though no one could see his touch under the table. She watched as his thumb ran itself back and forth along the leg of her flashy orange and yellow patterned overalls and she had a hard time pulling her gaze away when the radio host across the large table began to speak.

“So Harry,” the bald man began. “Fine Line has been one of the biggest albums of the year and I just have to say I love it. It’s truly incredible.” She listened as the man continued on to sing Harry’s praises, going on to list his grammy nominations, sold out world tour, and other accolades. She couldn’t help but smile as she watched his cheeks tinge pink with the praise. She knew anyone watching would pick up on her adoring look and people fawn over it, but she knew her gaze was nothing but truthful.

“Thank you very much,” he said shyly, shaking his head slightly as he spoke into the microphone suspended in front of his face. “You’re too kind.”

“Stop being humble,” she teased him, playfully tapping him on the arm. “All of his music is fantastic,” she said turning her attention back to the man across from them, “especially Fine Line.”

“And there’s Y/N, being the supportive girlfriend,” the man chuckled.

“I support him in everything he does,” she smiled back, not having to embellish the truth at all. “He is an amazing talent and I think Fine Line shows that.”

It wasn’t hard for her to gush about him. It was actually quite easy. She absolutely adored him, as an artist, a friend, and the focus of her affection. She felt an equal warmth in her cheeks as she watched his get even pinker with her compliments.

“That’s actually something we wanted to ask you about,” the blonde woman sitting next to him piped up, a mischievous glint in her eyes that sent nervous butterflies flying around Y/N’s stomach. “One of the songs on Fine Line, Cherry to be specific, actually features the voice of Harry’s ex, Camille. How does that make you feel as his new girl?”

Y/N did her best not to gag at the woman’s question, gritting her teeth as she plastered on a polite smile. “Well, I think Cherry is a really great song and her voice at the end adds a lot,” she spoke as smoothly as she could, refusing to let on that the question rattled her. Harry’s light squeeze on her knee signalled to her that she had answered the question well.

“It’s also been three years since the song was written,” Harry cut in. “Things are obviously a lot different now.” He connected their eyes for a second while he was leaning back into his seat, sending her a short smile, but she knew him well enough to know it was genuine.

“Oh, definitely,” the woman eagerly agreed. “You’re in a great new relationship with a beautiful girl on your arm.”

“Y/N,” he emphasized her name as the woman had referred to her as a possession of his for a second time, “and I are very happy. Thank you.” To an onlooker, he was calm. To her, he was visibly uncomfortable by her words.

Y/N began to notice a clear pattern as the interview went on. Harry was asked exclusively about his music and the tour, while Y/N only became relevant to their interviewers when they wanted to mention their relationship.

When the man asked Y/N if she felt uncomfortable playing to Harry’s mainly female fanbase every night that are “so obviously jealous of her,” something snapped inside of her, sending all her hours of media training out the window. “I’m not uncomfortable at all,” she said curtly. “His music is great and he puts on an awesome show. I don’t think the audience’s gender really has anything to do with the music.” She watched the man’s face fall before she decided to go on. “And I would like to think that at least a few of them are there for me too. You do know I make music too, right?”

An indignant smirk found its way to her lips as the man stammered out, “yes, of course.”

“Okay. I was just wondering since you have only asked me questions about our relationship since we got here.”

She knew Jeff wouldn’t be happy, but at the moment, she couldn’t care less. They may not have really been dating, but the interviewers didn’t know that. All of their dismissal of her and her career was 100% real.

She had been so worked up that she didn’t even realize Harry’s hand had left her knee until it found its way to rest on her back. She leaned into his touch as he rubbed her back softly while she crossed her arms in front of her.

The interviewers looked at the two of them across the table, jaws both lying on the floor. It was quiet until Harry nonchalantly spoke. “She has a point.”

The last few minutes of the interview passed in an awkward blur that felt suffocating. She felt like she could finally take in a deep breath once they were in the back of a massive SUV being driven away from the studio.

“Jeff is going to have my head,” she mumbled under her breath, nose stuck into her phone as she scrolled Twitter to see what people were saying about her outburst. But before she could read any opinions, Harry's tattooed arm blocked her view as he gently pushed her phone down onto her lap.

“Look at me,” he murmured, beckoning her attention to the other side of the back seat. When she connected her eyes with his, his usual calming aura took over her, softening the stressed crease between her brows. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Harry, I just blew my career up into smoke because I couldn’t deal with a rude interviewer,” she huffed at him.

“No,” he disagreed softly, moving the hand that rested on her arms to interlock his fingers with one of hers. “You stuck up for yourself to people who were ignoring your work and whittling you down to your relationship.”

“But it was rude.”

“It was necessary.”

The car ride to the venue for that night’s concert was quiet, but Harry never let go of her hand, brushing his thumb over her knuckles in a comforting touch. She wasn’t sure if she ever wanted him to let go.

***

It was the early hours of the morning by the time the pair returned to their tour bus and went to crawl into their bunks.

Her performance had gone well and Harry was mesmerizing (as always). He was truly hypnotizing to watch while he performed and she hadn’t missed watching him yet, even as they drew close to the end of the tour. It was the best part of her day and she would miss it dearly after the last show.

She was almost asleep, curtain drawn and cuddled under a pile of blankets, when her cell began to ring. Her heart sank, knowing only one person who would know when she had a sliver of free time (even though it’s debatable if sleeping counts as free time). She was going to get scolded like she was a little kid in the principal's office and she knew it.

“Hi Jeff,” she answered with a sigh as she pulled the curtain back and slid from the bunk, the cold air of the tour bus nipping at her legs.

Her gaze was met by a snuggled up Harry wearing a concerned face across from her in his own bed. He never closed the curtain, not even when she asked politely to muffle his snores, always saying something about how it made him claustrophobic. He sent her a tired smile and mouthed “good luck,” extending a hand for a fist bump as she passed. Knocking their knuckles together put a brief smile on her face before she buckled in for the chewing out she was about to get.

Harry watched her intently as she paced up and down the front of the tour bus as she spoke to Jeff, too far away for him to listen in. Her face gradually turned from anxious, to surprised, to something that would have probably been happiness if she wasn’t so tired.

“Alright, thank you for everything.” She spoke softly when she finally returned to be within earshot for him. “Goodnight Jeff.”

“So?” he murmured groggily at her, brows raised in question at her.

“People loved it,” she said shocked, like she didn’t fully believe it herself. “They think I’m some kind of badass for shutting down a sexist. Which is, like, a lot,” she spoke with a disbelieving chuckle, unable to find the right words in her groggy state. “I don’t really know what to make of it.”

Harry seemed to spring up from his spot in his bed, smacking his head on the top of the bunk in the process, prompting them both to dissolve into a puddle of giggles.

“Don’t get too excited for me,” she laughed. “I cannot be the reason that you hurt yourself and have to cancel a show.”

“I was just too excited to say ‘I told you so,’” he smirked, now rubbing the side of his head through his curls.

“Cocky bastard,” she sarcastically murmured under her breath while dramatically rolling her eyes.

She watched with confusion as Harry left his bed, and after a short and frantic search for his pajama pants so he wouldn’t “offend her eyes,” he moved towards the front of the bus. Her eyes trailed him as he bent down to the small mini fridge and pulled out two beers.

“We have to celebrate.”

It was 2 AM and she had been so ready for bed after a long day. But she knew she could never say no to him. She thanked god that they had a day off tomorrow.

After retrieving her massive and lovingly worn Grateful Dead sweatshirt to protect her from the chilly air, she nearly ran to the front of the bus. His painted pink fingers moved with skill as he popped the bottle caps off with one of his rings, handing it to her and gently nudging his bottle against hers.

“Cheers,” he murmured softly as he looked down at her with a kindhearted smile.

“Cheers,” she seemed to whisper back to him, a flutter in her stomach reminding her how badly she wanted to reach out and connect her lips to his. Instead she slid into the small booth across from him, taking a long sip from the bottle as she watched him do the same.

“I want you to know that I was really proud of you today,” he said as he put his beer down on the table. “Rude interviewers are never easy and you handled it like a champ.”

“Thank you, H,” she nodded, suddenly bashful and unable to make eye contact with him. Her cheeks burned hot as she put all her focus into tracing the rim of the bottle with her finger tip.

“Hey,” he called for her attention and her eyes snapped up to meet his. “I mean it, Y/N.”

“I know you do,” she gently nodded at him. “I’m just really happy they didn’t ask about my ex,” she chuckled as she took another sip. “That would have gone very poorly.”

“Oh yeah, I was a little annoyed they brought up my ex but not yours,” he teased. “Not fair if you ask me.”

“Well, then I’m glad no one asked you.”

“Can I ask you?”

“What?”

“About your ex.”

She should have been prepared to talk about it with Harry at some point. Half of this plan had been devised to get back at James anyway. She should be able to talk about it by now, especially with someone she had grown so close to.

“I guess so,” she shrugged, trying to seem casual like the mere mention of him didn’t still hurt her heart a little bit. “What do you want to know?”

“As much as you’re willing to tell me.”

He looked soft like this, eyes slightly sleepy with a tenderness in them as he looked back at her. His hair was unruly and puffy and he was wrapped in the powder blue blanket that lived on the tour bus’ couch. She would have told him anything that he ever wanted to hear if he kept looking like this.

With a deep breath, she began to recount everything that went down.

“I met James while I was still working as a waitress. I recognized him from his movies and started a conversation, and then–to my surprise–he asked me out on a date. I had been in LA for three weeks and this insanely famous actor is asking me to go out with him, so I obviously said yes.” She paused to take a swig of her beer, before mumbling under her breath, “I should have said ‘fuck no’ to that.”

A smile ghosted over her lips as she listened to Harry’s laugh across the table. She swore that laugh could cure cancer.

“But I didn’t,” she continued. “He introduced me to the right people and helped me make the right connections in the industry, which I guess made me feel indebted to him. Does that make sense?”

“Of course,” Harry nodded, eyebrows furrowed and listening intently.

“I should have broken up with him after I signed with Jeff and the label, however awful that sounds. But he just always knew the right things to say to make me feel special and like I was the most important person in the world. Even after I found out he was talking to other girls, he was somehow able to talk himself out of it.” She shook her head as she recalled it. “You wanna hear something fucked up?”

“Always,” he said with a gentle smirk.

“He proposed to me using lines from a romcom he was working on.”

Harry nearly spit out his drink. “Holy shit, you’re kidding!”

“I wish. I didn’t find out until I went with him to the premier a few months later and the proposal scene sounded surprisingly familiar.”

“What a dirtbag.”

“I know, right?” she laughed. “Then a few weeks after that, he got papped with his tongue down another girl’s throat. That finally knocked some sense into me and I ran for the hills.”

“Fuck,” he sighed as he finished his beer. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she breathed. “I don’t even feel hurt by him anymore, ya know? I just feel angry at myself for trusting him.”

“I understand but it’s not your fault he was a piece of shit,” he said as he rose from his seat and traveled to the mini fridge once again. “Another?” he asked, holding the bottle up about his head.

“Fuck it,” she shrugged. “Sure.”

She watched him skillfully pop off the tops again using just his rings, making a mental note to make him teach her how he did that, before he flopped back down in his seat.  

“At the risk of sounding like a Facebook mom, ‘you grow through what you go through,’” she chuckled, taking another long sip as she finished her first. He matched her high pitched giggle across the table and she nearly drooled beer down her front from smiling so wide.

“Amen, sister,” he agreed, raising his beer in the air.

“Oh, that was awful.” She shook her head as she descended into giggles. “Please never say that again.”

“Noted.”

“Anyway,” she began again after another sip of her drink, “I was well prepared to get my heartbroken by untrustworthy men after you, Styles.”

“I’m offended–tell me more,” he spoke quickly, his signature narcissistic smirk settling onto his features.

“I need you to know that Zayn leaving was my first real heartbreak.”

“Were the rest of us chopped liver?”

“You weren’t Zayn, I can tell you that.”

“Ouch!” He let out a loud belly laugh.

“Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, H. So first, the hottest-”

“Rude-”

“-I’m speaking. So the hottest one leaves, and then the rest of you are all like ‘we’ll be back in 18 months,’” she mocked him in a high pitched impersonation with a wave, “and then 6 months later you all mysteriously have solo careers.”

“I do not see you complaining about my solo career now, ya fame leetch.” He spoke with such humor and charisma, she couldn’t have even wished to be offended by his joke.

“Absolutely not, sir,” she said sternly, giving him a dramatic salute. “Deepest apologies from the fame leetch.” The two collapsed into giggles, laughing until their sides began to ache.

“Wait, I have a question for mega superstar Mr. Harry Styles of former One Direction fame,” she announced.

“I believe that’s me,” he bowed his head and raised his hand into the hair. “Shoot.”

She barely could get the question out, laughing too hard at her own joke. “Is Taylor Swift a good kisser?”

“Oh god,” he exasperatedly threw his hands in the air, chuckling while rolling his eyes dramatically before grinning wide as he thought over his answer. “I don’t kiss and tell,” he finally smirked.

“Wait, I have another!”

“Watch it, smart ass.”

“You think I’m smart?” she teased as she feigned flattery. “Have you ever heard of a song called ‘English Love Affair?’” He narrowed his eyes at her, a knowing smirk crossing his lips as he shook his head at her. “Also, when do I get to meet Gemma?”

“I’ll consider it when you stop bringing up her sex life, perv.”

“We’ve been dating for a few months now,” she teased as she continued to prod, emboldened by the liquid courage running through her veins as she was now half way through her next beer. “I think I should be allowed to meet the family soon. They seem delightful.”

“They would love how you have decided to rip into me like this,” he said with a cheeky smile, dimples on full display.

“Rockstars have to get knocked down a peg every once in a while.” She sarcastically shrugged. “Consider it a favor.”

She couldn’t help but think about how right this felt. Their back and forth flowed so smoothly, the banter falling from their lips without effort. Their laughter joined together in a delightful melody and she imagined they could go on this way all night.

Spending any amount of time with him made her so fucking happy; and time spent teasing each other over beers caused her to nearly explode with joy. How much she was enjoying herself was too hard to put into words.

He was safe and he was kind and he made her laugh no matter how bad his jokes were.

He was her best friend.

And for the first time, she was willing to admit that she was in love with him.

“Harry,” she hummed softly as their laughter died down to a comfortable silence. “Thank you for everything. You’ve changed my life forever and I can never repay you.”

“Just remember me when you get famous.”

“Oh shut up, I’m being serious,” she playfully scolded before letting her tone drop back into honesty. “You’re a very good person and I’m eternally grateful for you letting me be your opening act and then agreeing to this whole relationship charade.”

“I didn’t ‘let’ you be anything, Y/N. I picked you myself.”

Her brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I listened to your album when it came out and fell in love with it,” he shrugged, his casual tone contradicting the surprised raise of her pulse. “When I found out Jeff also managed you, I knew I had to have you on the tour.”

Y/N was honestly stunned. She had always assumed that the tour was Jeff’s doing, a careful arrangement pairing Full Stop’s new up-and-comer with their most famous and established talent. Being offered the tour had been the biggest opportunity and honor she had ever been presented with; but she had never considered Harry himself being behind it.

“Oh,” was all she could manage to get out.

It was now his turn to be confused. “What’s so surprising about that?” he asked, reading the shock on her face like she was an open book.

“I just,” she stammered, trying to find the words in her slightly hazy state. “I never would have thought you knew who I was or listened to my music.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” she trailed off. “You’re you, and I’m just... me, I guess.”

He didn’t respond right away, just looking at her intently and slightly amused, sea glass eyes boring into her with a pink lip held between his teeth.

He scanned her frame, from the way her hair sat messily on top of her head and the way the massive sweatshirt swallowed her body enough to where she had pulled her knees up to her chest underneath it. Her shoulders were slumped slightly, making her appear smaller as she held her legs close to her torso and her eyebrows were knitted together in worry, slightly nervous under his intense gaze.

She downed the rest of her beer in an attempt to forget his intense attention. It didn’t work.

“You really don’t know how incredible you are, do you?” he finally asked, the corner of his lips twitching into a small smile.

She felt her whole body burn with his compliment, wanting to shrink into herself and disappear completely from his view. She finally shook her head slightly in an attempt to deflect his words, breathing his name under her breath as if to scold him for being too kind.

“You are,” he insisted, ignoring her objection. “You’re so talented and your music deserves all the attention that it gets. I am honored that I get to play a part in helping expose the world to you and what you have to offer.”

“Thank you.” Her words came out as a whisper.

“You’re welcome, love.”

His pet name made her stomach turn in a nervous excitement and a wide grin involuntarily came to her lips.

“I like it when I make you smile like that.” His words only made her beam further. “You look very pretty when you smile.”

“Stop it,” she said softly, cheeks burning hot and having a hard time making eye contact with him.

“Stop what?” He feigned innocence as he lightly teased her, smirk still prominent on his features.

“Are you flirting with me, Styles?”

“Just practicing.”

His words rang through her mind long after they had left the table and crawled back into their bunks for the night. She wished she could see inside his head to understand whatever thoughts were running around his brain.

But for now she could just peak at him through the gap she had purposely left in her curtain, wondering if she ever popped into his dreams as he slept.

He was always in hers.

***

There was a sadness mixed in with her usually thrilled mood as she took the stage for the last show of the tour. While there was an element of relief as she looked forward to some well needed rest, the adrenaline and joy of being in front of a crowd was something that she would miss dearly. She had grown into a real performer over the last two months as they zig-zagged across the US and this period of time would have a special place in her heart long after it had ended.

But there was another reason why she was so sad to see this chapter come to an end. As far as she knew, a staged breakup was not far away and the thought of being without Harry was heartbreaking. He had become her person and soon their feux falling out would be on the front page of every magazine. She wanted nothing more in the world than for their relationship to be real, but it would be forced to end before it had even truely started.

She got choked up as she sang her final song that night, letting a few tears escape as she took in the thousands of people singing her lyrics back to her, flashlights swaying in the air to the beat of the music. Taking a move from Harry’s own playbook, she took her mic and directed it to the crowd to sing as she cried. The vibrations of the drums and bass behind her nestled it’s way into her bones and the chorus of singing voices in the crowd surrounded her in a bittersweet melody.

The past two months she had been on top of the world, and as soon as this song finished, it was the beginning of the end.

She took her final bow, watching as the small tears fell forward onto the dusty stage below her. She waved and blew kisses to the crowd, then nearly ran off the stage looking for the only person she wanted to see.

Harry was right where he always was, just out of view behind the curtain, holding his arms out for her to fall into.

“Awe, babe,” he hummed sympathetically when she settled her head onto his chest, surely ruining his crisp white t-shirt with her now wet makeup. “It’s okay. Final shows are always tough.” He rubbed her back gently, in a soothing rhythm.

He smelled so good. He smelled like home.

She tilted her head up to connect her glassy eyes with his. “I just don’t want this all to end.” She knew she wasn’t just talking about the tour.

“Neither do I,” he said as his lips curved into a devilish smirk that sent her heart into palpitations. “That’s why I have one last surprise for you.”

“Oh, Harry,” she sighed while wiping the remaining tears off her cheeks. “What have you done?”

“You said you liked surprises!” he defended.

“Not surprises in front of 20,000 people!”

“I promise you’re going to love this one, okay?” His voice was softer now, encouraging and supportive. “You’re going to come out and sing an extra song with me during my set,” he revealed.

“Sing what?”

“That’s the surprise.”

“Do I even know the words?”

“You definitely know the words,” he chuckled.

“I just finished sobbing. I can’t go out there like this.”

“You can fix your makeup. I believe in you.”

“What am I going to wear?” she asked, grasping at straws at this point, doing anything she could to get out of this.

“I had Lambert put something together for you.”

“Of course you did.”

She peppered him with a few more questions, but he had a smooth and charming answer to every single one. He had thought every detail out, and as always, she couldn’t say no to him.

“Fine,” she finally exasperatedly agreed, immediately met with his excited and dimpled smile that she had fallen head over heels for.

“Perfect,” he breathed. “I have to go get ready and so do you. I already put everything you need in your dressing room, okay?” She nodded, still biting her lip anxiously. He held her by her shoulders, lowering his head to match their eye level as he leaned in close, before he spoke. “You’re going to have fun. I promise.”

“Pinky swear?”

“Pinky swear.”

Seconds after they locked their little fingers together, he pressed a quick and protective kiss to her forehead that set her whole body ablaze before running off in the direction of his dressing room. She remained stunned and frozen in her spot for a few moments trying to process what it felt like to have his lips on her for the first time since that very first day they had met.

There was no audience to perform it for or an act to keep up behind the curtain. He kissed her because he wanted to.

She was finally snapped out of her daze when a stagehand bumped into her by accident, prompting her to begin the short walk back to her dressing room. But the ghost of his lips remained on her forehead, an incessant tingle placed there by his touch.

The dress she found waiting for her was one of the most beautiful gowns she had ever set her eyes on. Made of a light purple chiffon, the wrap dress’ long sleeves and floor length skirt flowed freely. A belt cinched the wispy fabric close to her waist and a deep-v exposed her neck and chest. But the most dazzling part of the dress were the red sequined hearts that dotted the fabric and reflected the light of the dressing room like a million little mirrors.

Slipping into it, the light fabric was soft against her skin, opaque enough but still slightly sheer to let light through and show off her legs and the bright red shiny pumps Lambert had left for her. She felt the most beautiful she had ever felt in this dress, boosting her confidence and quelling her nerves about whatever the hell Harry was planning.

“One minute to curtain,” was announced in an ominous voice over the arena’s backstage speakers as she finished fixing her makeup and she all but ran to make it back to the stage in time. She only had one more chance to watch him perform and she refused to miss a second of it.

Harry dazzled as the lights focused in on him, his deep blue and fully sequined suit reflecting the light and turning him into a human disco ball. He stood close to the edge of the stage as the beginning notes of the first song began being played by the band, but he made no move towards his mic stand to sing. His eyes were closed and his arms were outstretched to the audience, taking in every scream, every tear, and the thunderous shake of the building; but also giving himself to them.

Then the show began. As usual, he was electric, but tonight was like he had turned himself up to eleven. Every note he sang was full of his heart and every dance move was done with his entire body, even his bad jokes seemed funnier tonight.

She was so mesmerized she almost forgot about his ‘surprise.’ Almost.

“Since tonight is unfortunately our last show,” he pouted. “I thought I would do something special,” he spoke to the crowd as they roared, but quickly connected his eyes with her’s in the wings. By the smirk plastered on his face, she knew she was in for it.

“I recently found out that someone very close to me was a very big fan of…” he trailed off as he dramatically pretended to search for the right words, “my previous work.” He finished with a smirk and his words prompted the loudest reaction since he had been on stage.

“Now, I told her that she would be coming on stage to join me tonight, but I didn’t exactly tell her what we would be singing and I haven’t performed this song in a very long time, so cut us some slack if we mess up. This is very unrehearsed.” He kept sneaking glances back to her, as her eyes grew wider at the stunt he was currently pulling. “But I know for a fact that she knows all the words. I listen to her sing them in the shower quite often.” He wore a cheeky dimpled grin as he looked back at her once again.

The building was shaking due to the suspense he was creating, and looking down at her hands, she realized she was to. She gripped hard onto the mic a stagehand had just shoved at her, pleading with her hands to stop their tremors.

“Now, I would love it if you could all give another warm welcome to one of my favorite people on the planet, Y/N Y/L/N!” He turned his body to her for a final time, extending his hand out for her to take. Her legs felt like jello as she walked out into the bright lights towards him, interlocking her fingers with his as a way to keep her on her feet.

The audience’s screams were deafening at seeing the two of them together and she thanked god she had her earpieces in to protect her ear drums or they would have surely burst. She could only imagine the articles that would be written about this and the thousands of tweets that were probably already being sent.

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” she mouthed at him threateningly, but she couldn’t even get through the sentence before his dazzling smile began to quell her anxiety.

“The look on your face is 100% worth getting my ass kicked,” he answered smoothly before turning his attention back to the audience. “Everyone, sing along if you know the words,” he commanded their attention. “This is Ready to Run.”

Her jaw dropped and the crowd roared as the band behind her began to play the first few chords of the song she loved and knew so well. She had admitted it a few days ago that it was one of her favorites of his ‘previous work,’ but apparently he already knew that from the few showers she had taken on the tour bus.

“There’s a lightning in your eyes I can’t deny,” he began by himself, her brain still too shocked to jump in yet. He sang the first few lines to her with a giant grin plastered on his face, hand still holding tight to hers. His eyes had a playful glint in them that seemed to say ‘just have fun.’

“There’s a devil in your smile, it’s chasing me,” she finally began to sing, Harry fading his voice out so she could take the next few lines by herself as he admired her.

He did have a devilish smile, but it was one she loved with her entire heart. As she began to sing, she felt her muscles begin to relax into the song she had sung to herself so many times before, letting her body begin to bounce to the growing rhythm as her dress flowed around her.

The stage vibrated as Sarah beat her drums to introduce the chorus. “This time I’m ready to run, escape from the city and follow the sun,” the pair sang together, eyes still locked as their voices combined into the most perfect tune. “Cause I wanna be yours, don’t you wanna be mine?” they continued the lyrics. She felt herself meaning the words leaving her mouth more and more as they went on. She did want to be his, she couldn’t deny that. “I don’t wanna get lost in the dark of the night.”

Her apprehensiveness eased further as the music picked up and the hook went on, finally allowing herself to have a bit of fun. “Wherever you are is the place I belong,” they insisted towards each other, leaning in close before Harry grabbed her hand to dramatically spin her, the beautiful shining fabric of her dress splaying out around her. The next line was mumbled through giggles by both of them, but their laughter only added to the perfect moment they were having.

They danced across the stage together like there weren’t 20,ooo pairs of eyes watching them, both singing their hearts out to each other. It began to feel like they weren’t even there. It was just Y/N and Harry, serenading each other to one of her favorite songs.

“There’s a future in my eyes I can’t foresee,” she sang to him to start the second verse.

“Unless, of course, I stay on course and keep you next to me.” Harry grabbed her by her waist and pulled her into his side as he sang the words, prompting more giggles from her. She loved the way he smiled so wide as he sang, never breaking his eye contact with her and emitting pure joy. His eyes looked honest as he sang, like he meant every word just as much as she did.

The pair made their way through the rest of the verse and second chorus, flawlessly moving around the stage like they owned it. Y/N selfishly decided to let him have the bridge all to himself, needing to hear the way his beautiful voice hit the high notes. “This time I’m ready to run,” he sang passionately, executing the downward moving riff perfectly. “I’d give everything that I got for your love,” he pointed across the stage towards her, beckoning her back close to him. She quickly skipped to him at his request.

Like she had blinked, the song was already nearing its end.

“Cause I wanna be free and I wanna be young, I’ll never look back now I’m ready to run,” they belted the last lines out to each other. The band fell quiet on their last chord and the crowd exploded, but their noise fell on deaf ears as the pair stood so close their heaving chests were almost pressed up against each other. His eyes stared down into hers and she watched as his eyes flickered quickly down to her lips.

The world ceased to exist when he pressed his mouth to hers, even if it only lasted a second. It was nothing more than a peck, but it was everything to her. Her body igniting with heat and eyes full of shock, she looked back at him in simultaneous confusion and adoration, before realizing they had been staring at each other for too long. She needed to get off the stage so he could continue with his show. She walked back slowly towards the wings, letting the hand he had still been holding fall to her side. She waved and smiled to the crowd the best she could in her clouded mind.

“Thank you everyone!” she shouted into her mic as she moved out of their view. She shoved her mic into the first set of hands that would take it as she wobbled her way over to a table with water bottles. She nearly choked as she tried to suck one down, hoping it would ease the dizzy feeling he had created with his lips. Her lips burned just as her forehead had earlier in the night.

He had kissed her. He had sang a love song with her and then he had kissed her. She couldn’t decipher if that kiss was a confirmation that he shared the same feelings for her or if it was just another act for the cameras. But his mouth felt so right against hers. They fit together like a pair of puzzle pieces. She tried to suppress the optimistic hope that rose in her chest, but it began to swallow her whole.

When she heard his next song begin, she made her way back to the spot that had become hers at the side of the stage. She watched him perform the rest of the show in a loving haze, doe eyed and hypnotized, lips still buzzing from his contact.

He gave it his all. By the last song he was out of breath, drenched in sweat, and looked like he was about to pass out at any second. The crowd applauded for minutes after he left the stage and they were still cheering when she finally caught sight of him again. His curls were stuck to his forehead and his skin was shiny and flushed. He was panting, still trying to recover from his workout of a finale show; but he was beaming. His smile seemed to turn him into a beacon, emitting a light and positive energy that drew everyone backstage towards him.

She was so transfixed on Harry as he thanked the crew and accepted congratulations from all around that she just about jumped out of her skin when Jeff slinked up behind her and whispered ‘boo’ in her ear.

“What the fuck, Jeff,” she chuckled as she caught her breath, resting her hand on her chest and feeling her racing heartbeat.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on being half of the best fake couple out there,” he teased. “That kiss was perfect. People are losing their minds over it.”

“Oh,” she said softly, feeling every emotion she was distracted from while watching Harry rush back into her. Her heart sank as she remembered all the questions that continued to haunt her since she got off stage. “Thanks,” she murmured, plastering a smile onto her face. “I’m glad we could make you proud.”

“If you two could convince me, you can convince anyone.” Jeff walked off moments later, leaving her to sit in her confused thoughts as he disappeared into the hoards of bodies waiting for their minute with Harry.

She knew that she didn’t ‘convince’ Jeff of anything on her part. Everything she did with Harry was authentic and truthful. Including the thrilled grin that appeared on her face when she finally made eye contact with the exhausted man across the room. She gave him a shy wave that he sheepishly returned, biting back a shy smile. He pointed in the direction of his dressing room and mouthed “meet me in 15.”

She could never say no to him.

Fifteen minutes later, she was knocking on the large wooden door that had a single piece of paper that read STYLES haphazardly taped onto it. When it finally flew open, she was met by a soaking wet Harry with a towel hanging dangerously low on his hips. Her eyes trailed down his body without permission, taking in the toned torso that was decorated with his beautiful tattoos. Her eyes hovered over the two ferns that sat on his pelvis, too fascinated with the dark ink to pull her eyes away just yet.

She had obviously seen him in various states of undress before. They lived together on a tour bus without much space to exist with privacy, but this was different. He wasn’t rushing to get dressed or quickly changing his outfit. And he wasn’t moving away from her gaze at all.

If she hadn’t been so entranced by him, she would have noticed he was looking her up and down in the exact same manner.

She had changed since she had seen him last. The skin-tight black velvet romper she had brought along for the afterparty now fit her snuggly and held her every curve. The dark fabric was tight and appeared almost painted on, a rainbow racing stripe making its way down either side of her chest. The short shorts of the outfit exposed nearly all of her legs and the deep neckline put much of her chest on display as well. It’s long sleeves were her favorite part, as a strip of fringe dangled from below her arms any time she moved.

“You look great,” Harry finally choked out, his voice pulling their eyes back up to the other’s face.

“Oh, thanks,” she said, slightly awkwardly. “You too.”

“Well, I’m hopefully not going to the after party dressed like this,” he chuckled before stepping aside and ushering her into the room.

His dressing room was much larger than hers and she settled herself on the brown leather couch in the corner as she waited for him to get ready, sneaking glances up from her phone often. She chuckled as she watched him spend far too long fussing with his curls in the mirror, but was quickly distracted by the way his back and arms flexed when he reached up to muse his hair. Once he was satisfied with the way it fell, he disappeared into the bathroom at the back of the room. When he emerged, he was finally dressed, allowing her to take a deep breath and to focus on something other than his bare skin for the first time since he had opened the door.

The black satin suit was simple for him, but the tight white tank top that sat underneath hugged every muscle in his torso. She knew as soon as he got in the hot club, he would lose the jacket, and she would be devastatingly distracted once again.

The narcissist took one final look at himself in the mirror before turning to her and extending a hand. “Ready, darling?”

“You just spent 15 minutes exclusively on your hair and you’re asking me if I’m ready?” she teased as she took his hand, weaving her fingers between his as they exited the room together.

He leaned down close to her ear as they walked down the now mostly empty hallway, lips brushing over the hollow of her ear as he spoke. “I could have done it faster, but you were so obviously enjoying the show.”

“Relax yourself, Magic Mike,” she muttered indignantly, but hung her head in a way she hoped he couldn’t see how flustered he made her. Was she really that obvious?

They walked hand in hand out to the parking garage, now caught in a back and forth about whether or not Harry could be a male stripper. He said yes. She said no, although she did admit at one point that he worked his mic stand like a pole.

“Hey Jeff,” he called when they finally reached the parking garage where Jeff and Glenne had been waiting for them to head to the club. “Do you think I could be a stripper?”

“I think people would pay a lot to see it, but they may be disappointed in your dancing skills.”

“Come on,” he playfully whined. “I have some moves.”

“You have one move,” Y/N cut in with a chuckle, “and it’s the wiggle.” She brought her hands up near her chest, tilted her head back while dramatically biting her lip, and swayed her arms by her sides, earning a chorus of laughter from the people around her.

She hadn’t even realized she had done the move without releasing Harry’s hand first, dragging his arm into her dance as well, until their manager commented on it. “You know, you two don’t have to be holding hands all the time and keeping the show up back here,” he said with a slightly suspicious quirk in his eyebrows.

Her smile had been in the process of fading, like they had been caught doing something wrong, before Harry answered smoothly. “We know. Just practicing.”

There were those words again. Just practicing, she thought over to herself. But was he practicing anymore? How many flirty comments, heartfelt compliments, and warm touches did it take to cross the line of practicing to the real thing?

She wasn’t sure about Harry, but she knew that she wasn’t just practicing anymore.

She knew that the way they sat nearly on top of each other in the large SUV on the way to the club felt more than friendly. And the way he hadn’t stopped touching her in some way since they left his dressing room insinuated far more than something with business-like intentions. And the way he looked at her everytime he caught her eye the entire way to the club, always with a bright smile and adoring gaze that she always returned, pulled at her heartstrings far more than they should have if this was all an act.

A sloppy and cheeky grin settled almost permanently on his features after he had a few drinks in him, his arms moving in a lazy and fluid manner as she took in his many tattoos that he had exposed when he ditched his jacket (just like she knew he would). His butterfly was visible through the tight ribbed fabric of the white tank top and the little birds that peaked out from underneath seemed to be inviting her even closer to him in her now inebriated state.

All she wanted to do was to connect her lips with his as she watched him make conversation with someone from his management, entranced by the way his perfect mouth moved as he spoke. She once again craved the shocks of electricity that were created between them at the contact and could not stop thinking about it no matter how hard she tried. The protective hand that had settled onto her hip and continued to hold her close to his body just wasn’t enough anymore.

The pair had been drinking far too much; martinis turning into vodka sodas that had turned into straight tequila shots. She believed it was tequila shot four that did her in. The last thing she remembered was licking the line of salt off the back of her hand, downing the shot, and being entranced by Harry’s eyes as she bit down on the slice of lime he held carefully with his jeweled fingers.  

***

The next morning, Y/N woke up in a hotel room that she didn’t recognize with a pounding headache and a swirling gut. It felt like she had been hit with a truck and she could barely pick her head up off the pillow.

She had so many questions about what had happened the night before. Where was she? Who let her drink that much? Whose clothes was she wearing? But most of all, what the hell happened after that fourth shot?

But she realized the worst was yet to come when she heard soft snoring coming from beside her. She knew that snoring well. It was the snoring that kept her up half the night for the last two months and the one that had almost driven her to suffocating her bus-mate in his sleep; the snoring that matched the crumbled black suit she just noticed in a ball on the floor.

It took every ounce of strength in her body to pull herself from the pillow and turn around in the bed to have her suspicions confirmed.

There he was.

His dark long eyelashes were fluttered down across the tops of his cheeks and his hair was going in every direction, skin clammy like his body was trying to rid itself of all the poison he had ingested the night before. The crumpled comforter was pushed down his stomach, his bare skin holding a sheen that helped define every dip or curve of his muscles and the tiniest bit of the band of his boxers peaked out to assure her that he at least wasn’t fully naked next to her.

Why were they in bed together? And why did he look so good? Oh my god, she thought as a possibility dawned on her. Did we sleep together?

“Harry,” she murmured softer than she intended, voice scratchy and mouth dry. The soreness at the back of her throat clued her into the copious amounts of screaming she must have done last night. He didn’t stir at her gentle coaxing, the light streaming through the windows making him look angelic as it covered him in a blanket of soft light while he continued to sleep.

It was a hard nudge to his chest that finally made him open his eyes, immediately releasing a groan she was sure she made when she regained consciousness too. He looked at her puzzled, still rubbing sleep out of his eyes as he propped himself up on his elbows. He took an equally confused look around the hotel room before looking back at her. She watched as the gears slowly turned in his head until his eyes opened wide and he spring up into a sitting position to mirror hers.

“We didn’t,” he whispered hopefully. “Oh my god, did we?” he asked, a look of horror crossing his face that matched her own.

“I have no idea,” she anxiously replied. “I was hoping you would know!”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“The last thing I remember was doing tequila shots with you.”

“I remember those.” He rubbed his eyes hard like it would somehow jog his memory. His eyebrows knit together, buried in thought as he searched his brain for a timeline. “I can follow the night up until we did karaoke.”

“We did karaoke?” she repeated incredulously and was met with a somber nod. “Do I even want to know what we sang?”

He shook his head slowly, shame clear on his face, before he finally mumbled. “We did ‘It’s Raining Men.’”

“Oh my god, no,” she whined, holding her head in her hands and rubbing her temples. There were surely videos of them sloppily singing on top of a bar circulating online and she wasn’t sure how Jeff would be able to spin that one in a positive light.

“Where’s your phone?” he asked, a hopeful glint in his eye as he reached for his own. “Maybe there’s something on there that can clue us in.” It took her a moment but she finally spotted it on the ground in the corner of the room. She said a silent prayer that it wasn’t dead or broken.

Forcing her heavy limbs out from under the covers she made her way towards the device, but not before she heard a confused sound coming from Harry. “How did you get my clothes?”

Looking down at herself and taking in the red lettering that read But Daddy I Love Him across her chest, it clicked that the t-shirt and baggy basketball shorts were his. But how they hell did she get into them?

“I think we’ve established at this point that I don’t know anything that happened after about midnight, Harry.” Her words came out laced with slight frustration. She hoped he knew she wasn’t annoyed with him, just their situation.

“Just a question, princess.”

She ignored his quip and began to search through her texts, call history, and photos, hoping to find anything at all that could help trace their steps through the night. She found nothing but a few selfies of them still at the club. One was the pair casually smiling, the next was one of him kissing her on the cheek that made her skin warm, but the final one made her snort out a laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“I have a picture on my phone of you with two martini olives shoved up your nose,” she spoke through hysterical laughter. “Definitely birthday post material if you ask me.”

“Let me see,” he demanded with an adorable scowl.

She passed her phone over to him, still letting a few chuckles fall past her lips. “I’m gonna change your name in my phone to ‘Olive Nose Styles.”

“You're cruel.”

“You’re the one that put olives up his nose and then posed for a picture!”

“Whatever,” he grumbled, turning attention back to his own screen to continue his investigation. “There’s nothing of use on my phone either.”

The two flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling in the frustrated confusion. There was so much of their night that had gone up into smoke, completely unaccounted for with no clues as to what they did. Each traced their steps over and over again in their heads as they hoped desperately for a single detail that would lead them down a path to bigger memories, but it never came.

“Are we going to have to call Jeff and ask him what happened?” she finally murmured.

“I think so.”

“He’s going to put us both in client timeout, isn’t he?”

“We’re probably already there,” he groaned as he picked up his phone and hit Jefe Jeff-e in his contact list, putting the call on speaker and resting it on his still bare chest. The man on the other end picked up almost immediately.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty, I was wondering when I was going to hear from you.”

“Hi Jeff,” he groggily started then stopped, searching for the words that would make this all less uncomfortable. “Y/N and I have some questions about last night.”

Jeff let out a strained chuckle. “Yeah, that doesn’t really surprise me after last night’s bar bill.”

“Um,” Harry hummed, stammering but unable to form any real words.

“You sing about sex for a living,” she hissed at the man next to her before yanking the phone off his chest. “Jeff,” she started, taking over the conversation for them both. “Do you know if we slept together?”

“Probably not. You both were pretty unconscious when I put you in the hotel room.” His words prompted a massive sigh from both of them, looking to each other to share a relieved smile.

“Oh thank god,” they mumbled in unison.

“Jinx,” he smirked under his breath, prompting a ‘shut up’ from her.

“How did I get into Harry’s clothes?”

“I stopped by the tour bus when I realized you two probably shouldn’t be trusted not to roll out of your top bunks. I got you some clothes to sleep in before we took you guys to the hotel.”

“But why Harry’s?”

It was Jeff’s term to get squirmy. “I felt weird going through your things.”

“But you were perfectly fine with going through mine?” Harry asked, only half joking.

“Absolutely,” he deadpanned. They were all quiet for a moment before Jeff began again. “You two really don’t remember anything else that happened?”

“Everything after about two is unaccounted for,” she confessed.

“Oh,” Jeff chuckled. “So, you don’t remember when you stuck your tongues down each other’s throats on the ride home?”

Fuck.

Her eyes raced up to Harry’s from the phone she had been staring at like it held all the secrets of the night before. His easily readable features displayed all his emotions that surely matched hers. His pupils had grown in surprise, taking over nearly all the green in his wide eyes, and an embarrassed blush tinted his cheeks in a red hot flush that had reached the tips of his ears. His eyes flashed to the blank wall in front of them, running a stressed hand through his curls, like if he wasn’t looking at her, he would be able to focus better on the newly revealed information.

She couldn’t say that she didn’t relate. Her mind often went blank when she looked at him too. But right now, it was racing, occupied by anxious thoughts and intense emotions she couldn’t quite place, but felt with her entire being.

Her inevitable downward spiral was interrupted when Harry stiffly cleared his throat. “Uh,” he started, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably. “We’ll see you later.”

“Sounds good, love birds,” Jeff replied, a clear snark apparent in his voice. Neither of the pair dignified his teasing with a response, Y/N quickly ending the call.

Silence hung heavy in the air and she let her eyes hover over the phone for too long when she settled it down on the bed, unwilling to connect her eyes with his just yet. Harry always had a way of staring into her and revealing all her cards to him before she even knew them herself. She wanted to hold them close to her chest for a moment, protecting the heart that longed for him more than anything else in the world.

There were no words exchanged between the two for a while as they silently took turns in the bathroom and occupied their hands and thoughts by their phones. They walked on eggshells anytime one neared the other. A tension like this hadn’t existed since the very first day they met, the first day they had begun to pretend.

Maybe that's why Harry was being so quiet. Maybe he never wanted to cross that line of pretending like she did. Maybe she had been blinded by his generally friendly personality and tricked herself into thinking there was anything more than a charade between them. Maybe last night really was just a drunken mistake, no matter how much she wanted it to be more.

“Maybe it’s a good thing that we don’t remember what happened last night,” she finally murmured from the opposite end of the room. She rested the side of her still heavy head and muscles against the wall, arms crossed in front of her as if they could keep her safe from the tension they had created. Her fingers nervously played with the hem of his t-shirt she was still dressed in.

“Why is it a good thing?” he almost immediately responded from the chair on the other side of the room he had settled himself into, running his hands along the satin pants of last night’s outfit he had put back on during their awkward shuffling around the room. He had even put physical space between them since they found out what happened, causing her heart to feel as if it was teetering on the edge of disintegrating.

“Well,” she stuttered, refusing to look at him and continuing to pick at her nail polish. “We’re just pretending so it would be weird if we really remembered it.”

“I don’t think it would be weird.”

“I don’t know,” she tried to maneuver her way around his response. “It might just be embarrassing to think about it.”

He let out a long and frustrated sigh, running his hands down his face. There was so much going on behind his eyes and she wished he would say something, anything, to break down the wall that hadn’t existed between them in months that was slowly reappearing.

“Do you regret it?” he asked bluntly, the abrupt question shocking her body to attention. “Do you regret any of this? Any of us?”

Did she regret drinking too much? Yes. Did she regret making out with him in front of their manager? Yes. Did she regret denying her feelings and pretending they didn’t exist for so long? Of course. But, did she regret falling in love with him? Never, not even for a second.

“No, I don’t,” she let out with a gentle shake of her head, no louder than a whisper.

“Neither do I.”

The words had barely left his lips before he crossed the room and crashed them into hers. The same fire she had felt on stage returned ten times over as his lips moved smoothly over hers, every neuron in her body lighting up like a switchboard. Her fingers reached up to curl into his hair and pull his lips impossibly closer to hers as her heart hammered in her chest with a passionate love she had kept under wraps for so long.

He tasted like the spicy peppermint toothpaste the hotel stocked in the bathroom and smelled like the tiny bottles of shampoo that rested on the side of the bathtub; but there was so much else about him that was completely unique–wholly irreplaceable and indescribable. He was just Harry.

Teeth clashed, lips were bitten, and hair was pulled as they took in every sensation the other created. His lips had been the only thought that captivated her mind since they were on stage the night before and her return to them did not disappoint. If her head wasn’t dizzy and her lungs not screaming at her for air, she would have stayed in that moment forever

When they finally disconnected, they stood against each other in a heaving and disheveled mess of heavy breathing and adoringly dazed smiles. She swore she could feel the pounding of his heart under her fingertips that rested on his chest.

“That was nice,” he eventually murmured down at her through heavy breaths, a love drunk grin finding its way onto his swollen lips.

“Yeah, I agree,” she hummed breathlessly, her anxious thoughts quiet and calm for the first time she could remember since she met him.

“I’m kind of disappointed I don’t remember doing that the first time,” he chuckled softly at her, shaking his head lightly in embarrassment with his pink tinged cheeks on full display.

“That’s okay. We were ‘just practicing’ then, right?” A giggle left her lips as she used the words against him. The same words he had used every time they let a glimpse of their true affections for each other slip past their guarded and friendly facade.

His dimples were exposed when he smiled a giant grin and let out a knowing huff, piecing together that she had caught onto his trail of excuses. “Yeah, just practicing,” he repeated softly, before his tone turned sincere and genuine. “I don’t want us to pretend anymore.”

“Good,” she said softly as her fingers slid up his neck to beckon his lips back down to hers. “I never was.”

“Neither was I.” She watched a soft smirk appear on his lips as they hovered over hers. “Do you want to keep not practicing?”

“Depends,” she quipped, lips brushing over his as she spoke. “Am I better kisser than Taylor Swift?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!! REBLOGS AND FEEDBACK MEAN THE WORLD!!! 

An extra for our babies can be found here!

#harry styles fanfiction #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles au #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles reader insert #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles drabble #harry styles blurb #harry styles fic #one direction #one direction fanfic #nationalharryleague #mine #harry styles slow burn #harry styles friends to lovers

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

Since your requests are open i shall throw my brain rot at you <3

Slightly mean(bc he is a tease and is having the time of his life bc of the current scene in front of him) Kaeya that watches his virgin s/o try to fit him inside but she fails ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

And finally after some time he agrees to help out.

(uh also if u are accepting anons, may i be the ⚠️ anon?)

Pairing - Kaeya x Fem!Reader

Warnings - Degradation kink, praise kink?, very slight dollification

Word count - 1.7k

Other comments - Dude your Kaeya brainrot is always welcome here I love him. You’re so smart, mean kaeya is next level. And of course everyone welcome ⚠️ anon! Also this one is a little shorter, i just wasnt in the mood to write the build up i just wanted s e x

Your body was hypersensitive with nerves. It was your first time so of course you would be anxious about this whole situation. What wasn’t helping was your boyfriend's relentless teasing. It was aggravating and embarrassing, but part of your body was getting off to it as well; your body getting even more sensitive as time passed.

Right now, you were trying desperately to ride Kaeya, but he was just way too big and you didn’t know what you were doing so nothing was going well on your end. Kaeya on the other hand was having the time of his life watching you struggle.

“God if you hadn’t told me you were a virgin, I’d have never known seeing as how you're whining like a little slut right now cause you can’t ride me.” You shot your boyfriend a glare. God you just wanted to shut him up.

“Watching you struggle like this is quite amusing my dear… Maybe I’ll just sit here and force you to keep trying. You're destined to get it right at some point hm?” You heard him chuckle as you groaned out. There was a feeling that was beginning to bloom deep within you. You couldn’t quite name the feeling but all you knew was that you needed Kaeya’s help and you needed it now.

“Please Kaeya. This is driving me crazy. I need you Kaeya.” There was a needy rasp in your voice that made his only exposed pupil blow wide. There was a low rumble in his chest that only made this feeling intensify. You didn’t know what you had done, but you knew you weren’t going to regret it.

In less than a second there was a punishing grip on your hips, Kaeya’s long slender fingers holding so much strength in the iron grasp he had on you. Effortlessly Kaeya had you hovering over his pulsing cock. You whimpered in anticipation.

“Such a pathetic useless slut, always in need of my assistance. Hold yourself up like this so I can line myself up. You’re competent to be able to do as simple of a task as that right?” You nodded quickly, biting your lower lip instinctively out of mild anxiety. Once again, despite it all, this is still your first time. Your position did not waiver when Kaeya pulled away one of his hands. You could still feel the imprint of where it was on your hip.

“You’re okay right (y/n)? We’ll take this first part slow so as to not hurt you too much. This isn’t going to be amazing at first but just trust me it’ll get better. Then we can get back to having real fun.” The change in Kaeya’s whole tone and demeanor gave you whiplash; a stark contrast to the dark look he held only moments ago when degrading you. Instead he held a warm, almost concerned and genuine look on his face.

You took this moment to really admire him. The way his dark blue hair fell over him, shining in the pale light of your lamps next to the bed. Your breath never ceased to be taken away when you looked at him like this, cherishing the way his tanned skin contrasted the shining pale blue eye he had exposed. You guessed you had been staring at him for a little too long, with the way his expression started leaning more towards concern than anything.

“I always trust you Kaeya, this time is no different than the others.” A gentle smile formed on both of your faces. There were no words for how much you guys trusted each other, having this unexplainable bond. Somehow you both knew more about each other than yourselves.

Kaeya nodded before he nudged the hand that was still on your hip down, signaling for you to start lowering yourself. There was still an unease in the pit of your stomach, but it was much less noticeable now. You jumped slightly when you felt the tip of Kaeya’s dick intrude, causing him to chuckle quietly and begin rubbing comforting circles into your hip. You continued down, wincing as you felt yourself begin the stretch around him. It ached, and Kaeya was right, this certainly did not feel amazing, but you trusted him. After a few more painstakingly long moments of lowering yourself, you were fully seated on his lap. You could feel every pulse and twitch of his cock, and slowly the pain began to fade; leaving a burned need to feel more in its wake.

You squirmed on his lap, not trusting yourself to talk at the moment, in fear of saying or making some abhorrent noise. Kaeya’s punishing grip returned, holding you still on his lap.

“That didn’t take very long. Are you sure this is your first time? You’re really acting like a slut now.” The antagonizing tone returned to Kaeya’s voice, and it was really affecting you now. You desperately needed him to move. You let out a whimper as you futilely tried wiggling around in his grasp. A dark smirk graced his face as he tightened his grip even more.

“What was that my slut? What do you need? How am I possibly to know what you need if you don’t tell me. I’m not a mind reader darling.” You groaned, your face lighting up red with embarrassment with the knowledge that you were indeed going to have to beg this man to move.

“Kaeya…. I need you….to move please. I need to feel you in me. Please Kaeya help me.” You saw that familiar darkening on Kaeya’s face that made you melt, and an ache began deep within you.

“Your wish is my command, my beloved.” Before anything else could be exchanged, Kaeya hoisted you up until only the tip was still inside you then almost dropped you back down. You repeated this motion over and over and you let out loud moans and cries.

“That’s right. You’re my whore. I’m the only one that ever gets to see you this way or make you this way. Let everyone know who you belong to. Who exactly is making you whine like a bitch.” You cried out at a particularly hard and direct thrust into that one special spot that made you see stars.

“Say my name you little whore, say it out loud so we can all know whos fucking you this well.” You cried out once again, your moans being interrupted with the loud gasps of his name on your lips. You chanted his name like a prayer to the Archons above. In this moment, he was your archon, your divine being who you followed with unwavering devotion. What else were you to think when he was bringing you such pleasure.

“That’s it my darling. Even though your only use is being my fucktoy you are such a good one. You just keep sucking me in so well, this feeling is addicting.” You moaned out louder at the words he was throwing at you. Only moments later your legs began getting very tired from the constant up and down. You placed your hands on his toned chest as you began slumping over, not being lifted up quite as easily.

Suddenly you felt yourself being tipped over before Kaeya quickly pulled out, rolled you onto your back and caged you in with his strong arms on either side of your head. Without warning he thrusted himself in again, much easier this time.

“We haven’t even been doing this for very long and you already seemed so fucked out. Of course I shouldn’t be very surprised seeing how pathetic you are.” You could feel tears beginning to fall from your eyes from the pleasure that was wracking through your body. The tears only egged Kaeya on, as his thrusts became even harder. You could sense how sore you were going to be, you might have to stay home tomorrow. Kaeya began to let out strained grunts and groans, gritting his teeth in pleasure. He could feel the way you were squeezing him, and how you were about to fall over the edge any second now. He needed to ruin you.

The tears began to fall faster the closer you got to the end, a huge knot threatening to break in your core. After only two more targeted thrusted your back arched off the bed, smashing into Kaeya’s torso above you as you screamed out his name along with a few other profanities. Your vision flashed white as the feeling of your orgasm crashed over you like unrelenting waves in the sea.

Your cries quieted down as you slumped down onto the bed trembling, tears staining your deep crimson cheeks. Kaeya had grown much louder over those few moments and before long we was shoving his throbbing cock as far as he could get it and cumming. His orgasm took him by storm, nothing ever feeling that incredible before. The noise he made as his body shook above you and his sweaty forehead fell into the crook of your neck only made you tremble more. Before too long Kaeya gently pulled his softening dick out of you and slumped down onto the bed next to you. You were immediately pulled into him as he wrapped his arms tightly around you. This skin to skin contact filled you with the fuzziest feeling in the world as you snuggled as deep as you could into him.

You guys stayed in silence, the only sound being the rhythmic breathing of the two of you. You were both tangled in each other’s bodies before you quietly heard Kaeya mumble a soft ‘I love you’. You smiled and kissed his chest, not having the energy or willpower to speak. Not long after the two of you were lulled into the deepest, most peaceful sleep of your lives.

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin imagine #genshin impact imagine #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #smut #kaeya #genshin kaeya #genshin impact kaeya #kaeya smut #kaeya imagine #kaeya x reader

[mywritingonlyfans]

One Shot with Ethan Torchio // It's a bit Fluffly, Smut and Angsty

prompt: in which, ethan always need/visit you when he's not in tour + casual sex(?) with ethan tying you up so you don't touch him i'm telling you this but isn't a hardcore smut

warnings: it's smut. a fluffly kinda sexy(?)maybe it's just sexy bc it's ethan smut ig fem!reader

(he is so hot. i'm crying all my tears, and that's fucking pathetic.)

Your head hurt, you knew your face was probably red due to your desire to go home and cry, but yet, your friends convinced you to go out for a drink. According to them nothing was too bad that a beer couldn’t improve, you doubted it.

Somehow, you found yourself happy to have accepted.

You didn’t know Ethan was back in town, you briefly wondered why you didn’t know, since he always contacted you when he was near (or at least that was what it seemed to be). Still, you were glad to see him. He was always able to make things better, even if only for a short period of time; which in your case was very short one as he wasn’t yours to have.

Ethan complemented your friends, they were all too familiar to him. He hugged you, giving a small kiss to your head while sitting next to you. Suddenly, you felt like a stronger drink would do you good.

It wasn’t hard to tell what was going to happen in the next few hours, after a couple of years going through that, you knew the time you spent together would always be the same. You guessed that you were able to put his head in place, just as he did with yours; and that's why he always came back to you. You'd never be able to tell if it was luck or mischance.

“Was it too hard to find me?” You asked him.

By now, your friends had moved to another corner. “I mean, I’m not complaining, I’m glad you did.” You offered him a weak smile. He did the same.

He looked tired, yet deadly cute.

He shuffled his chair closer to yours, letting his leg touch your bare knee. “Not really, Victoria said she called you in the morning, then told me that you intended to visit here for the night,” he mumbled, signaling to the bartender that he needed a beer, and so did you.

“She’s a gossip,” you wrinkled your nose, causing him to provide offer you a nasal laugh that you had learned to find lovely over the years. “But what has been happenin’ in your life lately? You’re good?” You tried to sound casual, but deep down you knew he wasn’t there entirely for you. Something was bothering him, he was looking for someone to rest on.

“Pretty much the same,” he sighed heavily. He wasn’t tired just physically. “We finished the last album, I feel exhausted.”

He looked at you like a lost puppy, watching your face, analyzing if you were in the mood to listen to him, or even if you were okay with having him around. After all, he came to you out of nowhere.

He’d never make you uncomfortable around him, maybe he hadn't noticed that yet. “C’mon, let it all out. I haven’t seen you for too many months for you to deprive me of the details.”

“If I tell you,” he pondered, “ you’ll tell me why you have a runny nose to match your watery eyes?” He poked your cheek, dragging his fingers so he could put some strands of hair back in place.

His seat was now so close to you that you'd be able to rest your head on his shoulder if you wanted to without creating any bodily discomfort.

“I guess life just hasn’t been all that gentle with me lately.” You giggled at him. “I lost my job last week, the same life shit is goin’ on as usual, and when I finally managed to move to a decent place, I’ll now be actually going back to sharin' apartment with strangers, because, y’know, I can’t afford bein’ in there anymore.”

Ethan was quiet for a while, you needed him more than he needed you. Listening to you made him realize how his worries were nothing at all. He knew that you didn't mind sharing an apartment with someone, but the loss of perspective was always tough.

Without further thinking, he pulled you to himself, fluffing your hair and holding you tight in his grip. You didn’t cry, yet it was possible to read your emotions. It was little, but Ethan knew you.

You took your head off his chest while he still had his arm around your waist. Taking a deep breath, you stared at your laced fingers, feeling it slow down. “I guess it’s all happenin’ at the same time, I’m just not sure how to handle it at the moment,” he held your face in his hand, his mouth close to yours as he ran his fingertips over your chin, until his lips were on you.

He was soft and wet, he had the same taste you still had etched in your mind, at that moment it seemed to be all you needed. He let go slowly, distributing pecks on the corners of your mouth, letting his forehead rest against yours.

You two stayed like that for a few minutes and you could bet that anyone who passed by could see how much of a fool you were for him. You tried not to think about it too much, it was better to have little of him than to have nothing. “Ethan?”

“Huh?” He murmured with his eyes closed, giving your lips a tickling sensation.

“Kiss me more,” and then he did. Ethan was holding you in place while your hands intertwined around his neck. You played with the chain of his necklace, savoring the touch of his tongue on yours, focusing only on him while pulling at his hair to hear his soft moans.

It didn’t take long for the bartender to come get your attention. You laughed nervously against him, you were embarrassed because you didn’t even remember where you were, still Ethan seemed untouchable about it. He wasn’t one to be embarrassed over small things like that, at least not with you. The bartender was quite irritated with the two of you and just now you noticed that your drinks had arrived and hadn’t even been touched; he was rightly pissed.

Ethan stood up, lifting you up with him. You looked in your pockets for your money, but then Ethan said it was okay and that he’d pay. You would argue, yet any money left over would be welcome. You held both beers in hand as he paid, thanking the old lady for the service, still feeling your skin burning with embarrassment, and then headed outside to wait for Ethan.

“Are you drivin’?” He asked, laughing at your state of awkwardness.

You bumped into his shoulder slightly, laughing along with him. “I am not, I’m living nearby,” you whispered as he put his hand inside your skirt pocket, bringing you to his side for a walk. “In the apartment that soon won’t be mine… how ‘bout you?”

“Not drivin’, I thought about staying somewhere to spend the night.”

He was close to home, but not that close, it would take about 3 hours to get to where he lives; it seemed plausible that he wanted to stay. “Are you only here because of me?” You risked asking.

“Yeah,” he took his hand out of your pocket and ran it through his hair. “I didn’t think it‘d be a bad idea.”

There was a silence, but it was far from being uncomfortable. “You know you can stay with me.”

——————-

Considering that you were in the process of moving to another place your house was a bit of a mess. Ethan wouldn’t be bothered by that, somehow your instinct of wanting things always in place - aka Monica from Friends - made you wander around the space in an attempt to make Ethan at home.

“What ‘bout the new album?” You asked, dragging one of the boxes away from him. It wouldn’t even bother anyone, but the thought that it would be in the middle of the room while someone was at your house bothered you.

“I don’t really know, I feel anxious about releasin’ it. It’s not that I don’t want to release it or am afraid of doing so, far from that, it's just, I don’t know… ” His voice fell silent, lost in his thoughts.

You turned to him, wanting to ask him what he had said, after all, that didn’t sound like Ethan, you felt as his hands touched your hips, pulling you on his lap. “Y'know I don’t care about your mess, right? Just, please, stop walkin’ 'round the house dragging boxes.” He said with his face close to your neck, hugging you from behind. His warm breath was in contact with your soft skin, providing heat to your body. Well, there was a minimal percentage chance that you were trying to make the place look good for Ethan, just because he made you a little nervous.

“Okay, fine. I’m fine,” you exhaled, turning to face him. He was smiling with his eyes almost closing; he still looked tired, but at least you were improving his mood. “You know you’re good at what you do, Ethan. You shouldn’t worry 'bout those things.” You held on to his shoulders, breaking something that could turn out to be a pity silence.

He squeezed your thigh at the same time as he laughed humorlessly at your words. “I know that. I guess that this is the short time they gave us to finish the album – it was drivin’ me crazy. The album isn’t bad, not at all, it’s honestly very good. Dami did a incredible job, still if it weren’t for the time it could have been even better. That’s crazy how I’m still letting myself get stressed over this, don’t you think?” He vented, moving his hands up your skirt.

“I know it’ll be good, I can’t think of anything you did that ended up bad!” You ran your fingers over his covered shoulders, down to his chest, going to the first open button of his t-shirt. “But if it’s just stress I can help you.”

He lubed his lips, nodding assiduously, putting you properly on top of him. That way, you were stuck to his body, feeling the rough of his jeans along with the zipper against your underwear. You gulped as he held your face, sealing your lips with his. You were relieved he always guided you through that; the leading up part was way better when it came from him.

You unbuttoned the rest of his shirt in middle of sloppy kisses and grips. Running your hand over his belly, tracing your fingers to the back of his neck while moving your hips lightly. You lugged on his hair, pulling him away to catch your breath. You opened your eyes to find Ethan with a deep pink mouth and brown eyes more intense than normal, at that moment you could have sworn that he was the most beautiful thing you had ever laid eyes on. You spread his shirt to the sides, sensing your body getting hotter, when Ethan smirked at your rush, managing to hold both of your hands behind you; stopping you in place.

“No need to rush, we have plenty of time,” he clenched you in his hands. You arched your back, breathing heavily at each touch of his fingers on your wrists.

He ran his nose over your neck, placing kisses and bites on the way to your collarbone, leaving wet tracks that would later turn into dark marks.

Your legs ached from that position, the couch wasn’t the best, but feeling Ethan getting hard under you as you writhed yourself against him, made you want to stay there for as long as he wanted you to. It was crazy to think that at the beginning of the day you were sure that the rest of it would be a pure disaster, and now being spoiled by Ethan’s lips your worries seemed to fade away.

Temporary as that would be, you were determined to give him your all, making his and yours next hours one of the best escapes from both of you. Unnecessary to say that you were lost in your own mind by now, craving for having his strands in-between your fingers, wanting him tugged into you furiously, causing you to ache. Your mouth was ajar, your vision was just white dots as he played with your sensitive skin, driving you insane. Ethan paralyzed when his grip became too strong around your fists and you got louder than usual.

“D’you like that?” He did it again, but this time pushing your body backward. He kept his devilish grin on his face, watching you from top to bottom. You bit your lips, containing your noises to yourself. Such an angel in his eyes. “Up, babe. I need to see something.” He didn’t let you answer, not as if he needed to. You stood up in front of him, legs shaking with your head definitely not in the right place. “Undress.” He rested his elbows on his knees.

His face was serious, and you didn’t see any problem in obeying his voice, but perhaps, due to the lack of his body being glued to yours, you couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“Don’t act like you don’t like it when I tell you what to do,” He caught you by the hem of your underwear, helping to take it off while you got rid of your blouse. “Especially, when I just got you off my lap, almost unconscious 'cause of some kisses to your soft neck, pet.” He added, drawing circles on the inside of your thigh, smoothly going up to your center.

You felt your breath come to a halt. “You’re just too bossy.” You teased, confirming that your breathing was faulty.

He patted his nose over the damp stain of the fabric, placing a kiss there. “And you love it.” He pecked you a few more times, teasing you by running his fingers on the edges as putting the cloth to the side; never touching you where you needed him.

Almost involuntarily you took hold of his hair, bringing him closer to your core. And then, you understood his previous question, it wasn’t just about not being able to touch him, but also about the power he was having over you.

He cut his actions short and got up, hovering over you. “Tonight, you won’t be allowed to touch me, all right?!” He whispered, tossing your hair behind your ear.

That’d be comical in any other situation, yet with his body and eyes fixed on your frame you felt in his domain.

You nodded, diving into the way he pulled at the hair on the nape of your neck firmly so that you were looking at him. “Go on, babe,” He insisted on having the words he wanted.

“Yes, it’s all right, Ethan,” it was far from all right, you couldn’t do that. How could you go without touching, making a mess of his hair or marking your nails on his back?

“That’s my girl,” he praised you in between sighs.

He was excited while your face was overflowing with nervousness; not out of fear, but out of curiosity. He finished removing his shirt and indicated with his fingers for you to lie down on the couch.

You shut your eyes tight, with his voice echoing 'my girl’ in your mind, Ethan was lugging your wrists above your head as you did what he told you to do. He tied them with his shirt. “Is this hurtin’ you? Are you comfortable?” He tightened it in a knot.

Your head and elbows were on the arm of the couch, only your hands were unsupported. Although you weren’t uncomfortable, it was to be expected that pain would appear the next day; it’d be worth it. “No, it’s fine. I’m good.” You assured him as he knelt beside the couch, running his hands down your torso, making you squirm.

He went down to the hem of your underwear, taking it off with the help of your legs kicking the lace away. “Good then,” he warbled, pattering lines on your pubic hair. “Needy and in your proper place.”

“Bastard,” you swore through clenched teeth.

He grinned, admiring how your breast rose and fell in a quick but punctual rhythm while your hips fidgeted at his touch. You looked like a piece of art he had just created, swollen lips, filled in lovely marks on the collarbone. He found himself in need to concentrate on his breathing while watching you, to control his pulse as he reached his fingertips to your pussy.

“Ethan” you breathed out, forcing your fists. “Go on, please,”

With that, he held your hands, forcing them down and slid a finger inside you. Your lips opened in a sigh and he took the opportunity to kiss you, running his tongue over your bottom lip and nipping it to his mouth, keeping things on a slow pace.

You wanted to hold his hand, make him go faster or be able to pull the locks of his hair until he understood how much you wanted him, but you had no way of doing that, and you knew he was just doing that to provoke you.

His lips traveled over your neck again, this time giving light kisses, blowing air on the soft fresh he had left in there.

“You’re so gorgeous,” he said without even opening his eyes, delighting in your skin as he sped up, now rubbing his thumb gently over your bud.

You whispered something almost inaudible that Ethan recognized as his name. He raised his head, coming face a face to you. “Right there, huh?” He asked, focusing on the spot that was blurring your vision.

You groaned. The satisfying delight running through your veins. You closed your legs, wishing you could hold on to his body, but all he did was laugh, shoving his fingers leisurely into you.

“No, no Ethan,” you looked at him properly, thinking that if you hadn’t been with your wrists tied you’d have slapped his chest.

He wiped his hand on your thigh, and stood up slipping his jeans down his legs along with his underwear. You sighed at him, stretching your arms, staring at the ceiling to disguise yourself. Not that it was necessary, Ethan was already too much of a show-off when it came to you for your liking.

“You good? How’s your arms?” He doubted, getting on top of you.

He had his hair damp, falling over the spots on his forehead. Some of his locks was glued to his chest and his golden pendant dangled in front of your eyes. For a split second, you though about saying that you missed him, but you were wise enough to know better than doing such a thing.

“If I say that I’m not good. Are you goin’ to untie me?”

He pressed his chest to yours, your body sticking to his since you were both sweaty.

“Not even a chance,” He stroked your neck with his thumb, up and down, with a silly look on his face.

You grunted as soon as you felt how solid hard he was against your thigh, he aligned himself in-between your knees, holding on to your shoulders, and without hesitation he filled you up. Your body tingled and your voice failed, causing a silent moan to slip from your lips. His head fell over the crook of your neck and you could feel how dysrhythmic his breathing was. His warm body along with his breath hitting on your neck added a pleasant feeling in your stomach, leaving you dizzy under him.

“Move Ethan,” you tried to sound understandable, embracing his waist with your legs.

He thrusted deeply in you, leaving a breathed sigh of relief in your ears. You stretched out your arms, tightening your thighs around him. He held the shirt in your hands, preventing it from coming loose.

“No, I wanna touch you,” you whined.

“You will, just be patient, babe,” he squeezed your wrists in his hand.

Closing your eyes, you enjoyed the way his body was over yours, every movement and every delicate touch.

He went slowly at first, making sure you were taking all of him before going faster. Once he felt your walls clenching around him, he murmured a breathless 'fuck’, letting go of your hands so that you could finally feel him. You dug your nails into his back, kneading your body against his at the same time as he hugged you.

As you opened your eyes, he was already looking at you, with an intense gaze, building you up to feel sexy and wanted.

Both of you were a mess; sweaty and sticky. You felt a tingling ecstasy take all over your body, your toes twitching as you emptied yourself into him. He kept working on you until his body collapsed into yours, filling you up to perfection.

The last thing you remembered was having your fingers entwined in his hair, patting at it slightly as he whispered sweet nothing against your skin; just like a lullaby.

———–-------

You woke up to the noise of the television, trying to adjust your vision to the brightness of the daylight. Failing to stretch, you felt how sore your body was.

Your eyes searched for Ethan, finding him sitting opposite to you with a lazy smile and a cup of tea in hands, his attention was all on you. Friends was playing on the television, but you doubted he was really watching it.

“Good mornin’ babe,” his husky voice echoed through the room. It was the best thing to hear in the morning. “How’s it? Hurtin’?” He asked when you started examining your marked wrists.

He was fully dressed and although you weren’t, he had managed to get a sheet to cover you.

“Good mornin’. It’s fine, it doesn’t hurt,” you mumbled, scratching your eyes, curling up on the sheet. “How long will you be stayin’ in town?”

“Not long,” he paused thoughtfully. You already expected that he wouldn’t be with you for long, still sometimes you liked to think that it’d last longer than just a few days before he disappeared to another continent. “I need to go home in a few minutes, I’m going to take a flight at night to adjust the final details of the album.”

“Sounds nice,” you wanted to have the courage to tell him how he made things in your life look just right, as if he were some kind of piece missing from your puzzle. “I can’t wait to hear it, hear what your great fingers are capable of.” You ignored your thoughts. He laughed.

However, you truly believed that not saying anything was a wise move.

He lifted a cup from one of the boxes next to him, holding it out to you. “I made one for you too, I hope you don’t mind.”

You didn’t mind it, in fact, you loved the way he made himself at home so quickly. The home that soon wouldn’t be yours anymore. You wished Ethan could remedy your worries for more than just one night.

“Thank you,” you took the still warm drink in your hands, looking at him as if he were part of your decor. “You can smoke in here, I don’t mind that either,” you spoke up. You couldn’t even imagine that he’d have gone without lighting a cigarette all morning.

“The place is all clean, and smells nice. I bet you never lit one yourself, I wouldn’t do that.” He was right.

“Well, y'know that I don’t care about the smell, I just don’t see the need to leave the house impregnated with it.” You explained, remembering that Ethan’s house was a perfect description of that smell, yet you loved his place.

“I know this is going to sound strange,” he started. “But if you can’t find a place in time to live in… you can stay at mine, I mean, you know I am never home and as I’ll be travelin’ you could make yourself at home.”

He said it casually, and you knew he wasn’t lying, if you wanted to he wouldn't even think twice about letting you stay at his.

“No need, I’ll be fine. I do appreciate it though.” you took a sip of your now cold drink.

He bobbed, checking what you thought could be the time on his phone.

“You have to go, I guess?” You asked, your soft voice revealing you didn’t want that.

“I need to,” he gave you a small smile, getting up. “It’s gettin’ a bit late for me.”

“I see,” you went to him, adjusting the sheet on your body, feeling ridiculous for still being undressed. “I guess I’ll see you, right?” You added it while he picked up your stuff on the couch; keys, wallet and the pack of cigarettes. There was no answer for your question.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, heading to the door. “You could come and visit, spend a few days with us. It’d be nice.”

“On tour? Like a groupie?” You wrinkled your nose. His arms wrapping around you. You’d miss it.

He squeezed you into his chest, his tiny beard tickling your cheek. “You know you are much more than just a groupie for me, Y/N.”

You didn’t answer that. He pulled away and for a second you thought he was going to kiss you, but he didn’t.

“See ya Y/N,” instead, he kissed the top of your head. “Think about it, both about comin’ to visit and also about needing a place to stay for a while.”

“I’m sure I will, thank you Ethan,” you watched him, from his rumpled shirt to dark circles under his eyes. He’d always have a special space in your heart. “I guess I’ll see ya then.”

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taglist ( 'cause someone actually wanted to be tagged, i didn't even force anyone😁): @maybanksslut , @oro-e-diamanti

#maneskin #ethan torchio #ethan torchio smut #ethan torchio x reader #ethan torchio imagines #ethan torchio fanfic #ethan torchio fluffly #writing #maneskin x reader #imagines #fiction #fanfic #damiano david #måneskin