#so many times i find myself believing im a shitty person

[infiniteorangethethird]

being loveless does suck sometimes but less bc of some "ohnooo I'll never be able to loooove what will I ever doooo" bs but because how the hell do you tell the ppl around you that you view all relationships as business transactions where the currency is care and support and the reward is trust? How do you tell someone "hey so I could not care less about you as a person but also I enjoy every second we spend together and I'd fight the universe for you if you asked and if you ever disappeared I probably wouldn't miss you but I'd still cry for all the things we never got to experience together" without being the asshole?

#loveless #loveless apl #loveless aplatonic #aplatonic #aplspec #loveless aro #loveless aromantic #so many times i find myself believing im a shitty person #for not being emotionally invested in others #i find it genuinely hard to truly care for other ppl #but it's like i do wanna help and support you!! i do wanna be there for you #and do stupid shit with you!! #id do anything a good friendship requires from me!! #and yet it never feels enough bc the needed emotions aren't behind the acts #not enough that i do it bc i wanna. not enough if it's not out of love #and like how could i blame them for it? how else would they react to #'hey i literally don't care about you. let's hang out anyway'? #(bestie if ur reading this. im sorry...?) #queer stuff

[butchmartyr]

sometimes i get so frustrated about how many transmisogynistic users get reblogged despite their reliable-to-the-point-of-predictability episodes of vitriolic hostility against transfems or absolute lack of care in spreading hearsay about us that i think of making a big blocklist or callout, but its a foolish idea because callouts are only for making a spectacle and Other of someone in order to reinforce norms in the in group. transmisogyny callouts never spread to a large audience for this reason; as a rhetorical tool, they are not for enacting justice.

and even if they could, i stop myself, because they're a stupid way of trying to stop bigotry in the first place. we should be striving to be able to recognize bigoted rhetoric and challenge it ourselves, to stand with the marginalized in our communities, rather than making the victims have to point out The Bad Ones over and over since you can't see. and clearly, you can't see! because i cant hardly scroll this website and see an acquaintance reblog a post without recognizing op as either an open transmisogynistic themself, or a useful idiot for transmisogynists and spreading their callouts. (many of which included private pictures and nudes for "evidence" towards their evil kinks; to make this clear, revenge porn with a coat of progressive paint.)

but time and time again, nobody sees the problem when it happens to trans women. its all a pretense to voice preconceptions of disgust to trans women. they dont really believe that making shitty posts is equivalent to actual sexual abuse, just like they dont actually believe that wearing thigh highs is pedophile-coded, its all just excuses to hate trans women like they want to. for them, its just finding excuses to put in the keywords that turn peoples brains off and play into their bias. oh, sure, i cyberstalked literal years into her private nsfw blog to dig up that nude and match it with a selfie from her main and i put both in the callout im spreading around, but why would that be bad? dont you know she calls her girlfriend mommy in private sometimes? look, i did mental gymnastics to equate this consensual roleplay to real world harm, its totally pedo-incest coded! look, i said shes into raceplay apropos of nothing just to get people pissed at her, but you're not gonna check, right? why would spreading that and her nudes- sorry i mean evidence of her crimes to more strangers and exposing her to transphobes be bad? how can it be sexual harassment when the woman person really really deserves it i promise?

#ok to rb #sasha speaks #transmisogyny #&i remember every time i see one of them because i have to. if trans women dont keep track of the people who'd backstab us then no one woul #if i dont then im at the very least im allowing useful idiots to look at my blog and stalk it. which is a real concern that i have to have!

[enbesbians]

hi there, haven’t been able to write all that much lately which bums me out but i wanted to share a story of mine i think some of you may be interested in.

if anyone here doesn’t know, im experienced within sex and im a very erotic person online as well as in real life. i haven’t had many sexual partners but with the partners i had been with, ive done a lot of experimenting. i wanted to share the first time i used a strap on a girl and the embarrassment that held within that.

during the springtime after my birthday, i had taken upon myself to invest in a strap on. i would always jokingly look on sites like adam and eve, window shopping at all the ones id like to get, feeling as if id never be able to, mostly cause i was scared shitless of my parents finding out that their offspring was buying a sex toy, let alone a fucking strap on. i went to spencers where they had a very limited selection, i wasn’t too picky, even though i stood in that section for god knows how long. it was a gummy purple five inch dildo, with a black harness that felt like a belt of a car— it was rough, complicated and left my skin feeling like i had rug burn. maybe it was because i didn’t know how to properly put it on or maybe the material was just that shitty… i don’t have it anymore so i can’t really test that theory.

my girlfriend at the time and i were very awkward with one another, we couldn’t even look at each other without geeking out and needing to squeal but when i had sex with her the first time (without the strap) it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. i was lucky enough to have a good enough tongue and a perverted mind where my hands would touch all over her like she was gold. the lead into that was funny though… i kept laughing and hesitating to do things like kiss her neck, touch her thighs… even taking her bra off, my hands were sweating and it seemed like the clip could not budge. i accidentally hit her nose (twice i might add) and i was not able to use dirty talk for the life of me… i hated my voice and saying ‘baby’ to her during a time like this made myself want to cringe knowing that i was able to hear what she could. but as we eased our way into it, the better it became and the more relaxed we started to be. by the point of me getting the strap, we had sexted two nights before, me being confident thinking i can totally ace the work of a strap on due to the numerous homemade lesbian porn videos of women straight banging their scene partners. she didn’t know i would buy one and she didn’t even mind the idea that we’d never even use one, but i got so turned on by the image of me using it on her so i worked on impulse and got it.

as the weekend approached, i believe the last day i was going to spend the night, i showed it to her. she giggled so hard, covering her face, telling me how she couldn’t believe i owned one. she was more excited than i thought she would’ve been and it only built the start of my ego to think id be any good at using it. thing was… my anxiety began to rise as things got more intimate. i felt like i couldn’t kiss her correctly and touching her body felt like my first time, shaking hands, constant deep inhales, and i would stutter, tripping over my touch as i tried talking sexy to her.

putting it on in front of her felt like i was being watched by the devil in the depths of hell… maybe even deeper— my body was so hot, i couldn’t stop trembling and i almost dropped it i think three times. she was nervous too and with the lack of communication it didn’t help much of anything.

i didn’t know how to start… i knew to prep her with my mouth and fingers and lube but as i started, it took so many times to get it inside of her… i kept saying i was sorry, asking her if she was okay and the frustration on my face was enough to almost break the mood. with her laying on her back, i finally got myself inside of her. moving my hips felt like i was pushing a bolder— they were so stiff and inconsistent. they got sore so fucking quick and i ended up stopping so many times just to ease the tension. it felt like hours and nothing was progressing and took into account that maybe using a strap was not something id ever use again. she didn’t cum from it so i just took it off, feeling embarrassed and stupid for not looking into how to use the damn thing. i just continued to do what i usually did and left it at that.

as some of you may know i value my partners pleasure and even if they’re satisfied, i strive to be better and with that night alone, i thought of the worst… i thought she was going to break up with me. i thought she wouldn’t think of me as this could person she’d always seen. i felt like i had ruined myself and there was no fixing it. i thought she was going to hate me. fortunately, all of my worries were resolved by her saying it was okay.

the next time we used it was probably a half a month later and it worked better… to put it lightly. she did cum from it and that eased me up by a million. i still didn’t think id be able to use it as much as i wanted and with her i almost didn’t. i was too worried thinking that id be worst than the first time and each time we had sex i thought she’d view me in a way that i was unable to pleasure her. as time continued and i let that worry slip, build up my strength in my hips and my stamina, it got better.

that’s pretty much it i guess… im too lazy to go too much in depth but for people saying im a sex god… i wanted people to know that i most definitely was NOT one. i was a shy, eager and anxious dude and with that girl, i felt like my sex performance was the most lackluster… if you want any more stories about my experience… you can ask, im gladly willing to share.

#fern talks🍃

[plasmaapologist]

...just realized i left my introduction in the drafts. oops. at least i have a better photo now.

my names tula, and i'm a registered pokémon nurse with a horrible tendency to ramble. i live in unova and do some work here, but i mainly travel to other regions for this.

i am a former member of team plasma. former. my username is ironic because i cope with humor.

i ran away from home at age 14- it's a long story - and ended up being indoctrinated in. i, like many others, were lucky to have a sort of "snap to reality" moment after ghetsis' first arrest, before the formation of neo plasma, but not before i spent 10 years of my life working for him. many people are shocked by how open i am about my experience, but i think its extremely important to talk about these things: if i could help just one person leave this cycle, or keep someone from entering it, then it would make the shame worth it.

i have dedicated my life to helping pokémon, as a way to attone, i suppose. my darling solosis, mini, travels with me, though i must admit she's quite the spoiled brat. to have such an innocent creature love and trust you is the most healing experience someone can ask for, and i acknowledge that i was so very lucky. i had a home to return to, i was able to find work despite my history, and physically, i bear only a scar on my back and a missing finger... also just so we all know i am a natural ginger and i am not going to dye my hair please stop asking thanks

feel free to ask me any questions you may have: about pokemon, about myself, or my experience with team plasma, any of the sort. and if you need help leaving neo plasma or a group like it, please shoot me a message, i'll give you all the advice i can.

- tula ☆

ooc and admin info:

hi! im cassini, im 21, and i have not rpd since middle school. please be nice

im okay with joining events and plotlines! but i do not know how to join in naturally and get too embarrassed to ask. please shoot me a message/invite! muse list bellloowwwww tulas info

im not lore compliant at times and am even willing to bend (most) of my own headcanons bc multiverse and the likes! very flexible in general

okay more important tula things:

- sapient pokemon interaction is okay! tula will generally believe them. shes seen weirder. legendaries will be met with much more scrutiny, but kindness.

- i keep her age purposefully vauge for "pokemon timeline makes no sense" reasons, but you can generally imagine her somewhere between 26-30, probably.

- shes been through a lot and often copes with humor, which means she tends to come off the wrong way a lot of the time

- though open about her time in plasma, she doesnt like talking about how it affected her

- she speaks before thinking and often posts in bursts do to this

- she has a pretty shitty memory

MUSE LIST:

Timeline 1:

Tula Gagnon - @plasmaapologist (OC. 📍Unova. Birthday: January 1st)

Callisto Aoki - @cherishcherubi (OC. 📍 Kalos. Birthday: October 25th)

Iolana Kealoha - @teamskullkalos (OC. 📍Kalos. Birthday: April 12th)

Timeline 2:

Mari Pijotto - @marifromkoto (OC. 📍Paldea. Birthday: December 18th)

Katy - @patisserie-soapberry (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Atticus - @navisquadatticus (Canon. 📍Paldea.)

Larry - @medali-gym (Canon. 📍Paldea. Half joke blog.)

Robin Lusk - @absolsrenegade (OC/Self Insert. 📍Unova. Birthday: July 5th)

Timeline 3:

Timeline Unknown:

Grise (Hilda Lewis) - @driftingtrainer (Canon. 📍 Vagabond. Birthday: October 5th)

Rochelle Ichihara - @basaltpowder (OC. 📍Hoenn. Birthday ??? )

Barbie & Ken: @championbarbie-swimmerken - (It's fucking Barbie. Yeah, the pink one. 📍 Everywhere. She's Barbie. Birthdays: March 9th, March 11th)

Ice - @rottenice OC. 📍Primarily Sinnoh, but travels a lot. Birthday: December 21st. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

Miki Nakajima - @nakajima-lgm OC.📍 Johto. Birthday unknown. Please read content warnings in the pinned post.

@galacticfoundation - Team Galactic AU blog.

@twotoypokemon Pokémon Rumble based blog. Sapient Pokémon OC. 📍Axel Town

#yes. i was a platoon leader and had a sword. #yes. i do still own it. its good self defense when you dont have a pokemon who likes fighting. #pkmn irl #rotomblr #unreality #pokeblogging #[admin note: tulas current age is purposefully vauge for “pokemon timeline makes no sense” reasons] #[also i'm totally fine with your character having some beef with tula due to her... past employment. it does fit her character :)] #[if you have any questions for admin feel free to ask in the comments!]

[khaire-traveler]

hey, so im kinda new here but i was just scrolling and saw a post you made in like december of last year (im really late i know, im sorry) saying that the gods aren't going to harm you and won't toy with you, and um, i really mean no disrespect at all with this, this is a genuine question, and i in no way mean to bash you bc i love the greek gods too, but like don't the greek myths show the exact opposite of that? like zeus and poseidon legit flooding the whole ass earth just to get rid of humans? and so many different occasions where the gods smite humans bc of a tiny offense? or actually just toying with mortals because they find it funny? and just basically doing really questionable things to humans all the time? i love them and all, but isn't it a bit of a stretch to say that they wouldn't harm humans when they literally did for all of humanity's existance per the myths?

Hello, Nonny, thanks for the question! I appreciate that you were trying to be respectful. 🧡

Firstly, I would like to say that I made that post last year. My thoughts and opinions have shifted over time, and that post was mostly made with the intention of comforting those who needed it (including myself, at the time). Posts like that don't offer enough context to express what a person actually believes/practices. I still would like to believe that gods don't just fuck with people or harm them in really shitty ways, but this is due to personal experience, as are most things within this type of religion. It's very heavily based on each individual's experiences with the gods. I have never met two people with the same exact practice or even interpretation of the gods; something is always a little bit different, even if it's a very small difference.

Secondly, these are myths that you're referencing. Even in ancient times, they were not interpreted literally all the time. This isn't really the type of religion that I would suggest people interpret myths literally, and I don't mean that in a rude way. It simply doesn't make sense to me to do that, especially when the culture of the ancient Greeks was so vastly different from the modern day. In fact, many of the major "issues" people have with Greek myths can be explained by a difference in culture and ways of thinking. If you choose to interpret myths literally, go for it, but I personally find the gods to be VERY different from the myths people told of them.

You have to remember as well that it's not as if these myths were written by the gods themselves or something; some old ass white men were probably the ones writing that stuff down, and they lived in a culture where men had all the rights and privileges (this is all to say that many myths treat women like shit for a reason: the culture viewed women as being worth less than literal animals).

The Greek myths are not scripture. I feel that basing one's views of the gods solely on myths is extremely limiting and, in my experience, inaccurate. Zeus has treated me very kindly, even helping me escape from the worst abuser I've ever faced; Poseidon has been very respectful, gently approaching me and randomly just popping up for assistance throughout my life; Apollo has been a light in the darkness for me during many times of need, always willing to guide me when I've lost my way. The gods can be depicted in myths one way but act in an entirely different way in reality.

That said, however, the gods are complex beings, similarly to humans. They are capable of feeling any emotion - sadness, happiness, anger, disgust, etc. Of course they're bound to get upset at humans from time to time, but I don't believe they would act maliciously towards someone randomly or for a super petty reason. They can be kind, loving, and sweet, but being multifaceted, they can also be cruel, spiteful, and angry. I would argue that rarely does a worshipper experience the more "unpleasant" side of the gods, but it does happen, I'm sure. I just believe that the gods will not go out of their way to just "mess with people", if that makes sense. For example, I don't believe Aphrodite would ruin someone's life for making a one-off comment about how their partner is "as/more beautiful as/than Aphrodite". Like, why would she care? Especially if that person doesn't even worship her, why does it matter what that person says? It's just some random person, and she has much better things to do than spend her time ruining their life for a compliment to their lover. The gods simply have better things to do and/or are more mature than that. They're thousands upon thousands of years old; I'm sure they know how to handle someone who called them a mean name or said something "hubristic" in a respectful and disciplined way, especially if that person isn't a worshipper/doesn't believe in their existence.

Of course, there are people who would disagree with me, and that's perfectly fine. There is no right or wrong belief when it comes to these things. The beauty of this religion is that you're free to think whatever you want. If you want to believe that Hermes is the god of Monster Energy™, you're absolutely free to do so! If you want to believe that saying someone is as beautiful as Aphrodite is insanely disrespectful and not ok, then you're free to think that as well. There's nothing wrong with believing whatever feels right to you, but just remember that at the end of the day, religion should be a generally positive experience for you. It should make you feel good in some way, be that happiness or fulfillment or even comfort. Religion shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable, unhappy, and unsafe constantly. There are times where religion - especially this one imo - will test your limits or push boundaries, but it shouldn't make you feel like shit all the time.

Ok, anyway, I apologize for going into a tangent lol. I hope this gave a sufficient answer to your question. Believe whatever you feel is right, Nonny. I may believe that the gods are kind (although they certainly can behave otherwise, being multifaceted), but you're welcome to believe the opposite. There is no one single way to interpret the gods; it's different for everyone. The only recommendation/advice I have for you is to base your views of the gods on personal experience rather than myths. Myths are just that: myths. They are meant to teach lessons or explain the nature of the world. Sometimes they're even just meant to show examples of a god's wrath/why you should respect the gods. Point being here that they aren't usually meant to be taken literally, and I personally would not recommend doing so, but it's entirely your choice.

I hope this helped and gave you a good answer! Take care, and have an awesome day/night. 🧡☺️

#helpol #anon asks #answered asks #hope i worded this well #it's 1am and i am in greece atm so sorry if the wording is weird #I'm insanely tired and a little bit buzzed lol

[bucknastysbabe]

THE LAST DAMN THING IM SAYING;

I’d also like to say and make this clear: I’m not friends with Bel and Fae anymore after what I saw posted. That connection is severed. I am still friends with Chris and will remain to be as she is a good person who also fucked up. I was apprehensive about remaining friends when the original post came out considering it was about me— including the purposely left comment by the OP also making fun of me. Which led me back into believing their lies.

I was lied to until the bitter end. I wanted to HOPE until the bitter end everything wasn’t true but I saw the screenshots. About analgate, about being inclusive, and use of slurs. Many other things under the guise of “we made up” so I wanted to trust them.

My gut feeling would switch now and then but I got caught up. I reread the entire gc convo to look at my comments. It’s disgusting to watch yourself become more hateful. That’s a really shitty part of me I worked hard to get rid of in real life through the program of AA.

Somehow I managed to convince myself gossiping and being mean wasn’t so bad online. It is just as awful because people are behind a url. I know better. Now the level of crassness and racism I did not see from them in our small groupchat, as it was being hidden. I have never sent a hate anonymous post, they claimed the same, only to find out that’s all they did and probably did the same to me. Nice.

I seriously fucked up making fun of Agnes appearance due to my dislike getting in the way of doing the next right thing. Which I’m trying to do now. Don’t harass readers or small blogs about me. They are reading about sucking and fucking, not looking into online drama.

The other fuck up I would like to clarify on my behalf. To all Germans— I made tasteless jokes about a German user not liking Fabien Frankel bc of his Jewish heritage. That’s ignorant of me. Very ignorant. Especially as I dated and loved a guy from Berlin for over a year and he even told me that’s a sore spot for them.

Now that sounds like “I have (insert) friends!!!”

But I’m following up to say I still have my OWN unresolved anger at him for our toxic relationship. So I have said “fucking Germans.” For the love of everything good and holy I DO NOT want every person in that country to blow up and die. There’s a difference between vile racism and backward comments coming from a place of hurt. I acknowledge it’s childish and nasty. I also don’t use the word n@z1, but that was clarified in the second post on who said that.

Hope this clears things up. This is the most transparent I can be. I can’t fix any of the hurt I’ve caused. Apologizing like a broken record is annoying— I know. So this is it. I’m staying up. I can only go forward, if you’d like to stay in the past, farewell. For people who are hurt take all the time you need.

#cal rants #last thing #them I’m back to doing what I came here for

[scoops404]

i feel horrible. I feel betrayed and I’m depressed but strangely not surprised?

Its not even, not even about who is worse or whatever, i just- I heard connor eats pants talk, he said how george and the dream team, (even if they don’t acknowledge it,) have a large young girl audience. That’s the part of the audience that helped them grow.(And id say the audience who was the most emotionally, young girls or queer people who a lot of the time grew up presenting female or queer people in general, who are also at higher risk of getting used or assaulted ) and how its disgusting and disappointing to see them drop these weird points about consent and i (as a part of that demographic myself) - that really hit me in some way. That really hit me and something about it rings in my chest with hurt an realisation. It makes me incredibly sad, and yet it makes me realise stuff.

That point to me seems incredibly important.

That fact makes their statements seem ignorant..

Im slowly coming to terms with how I personally want to move forward with acknowledging their content, the content that was genuinely helping my depression and was part of my routine. So I didn’t formulate this to be some sort of statement, but more of a “oh” moment that i wanted to share

These men don’t feel like they care about the large audience they hurt.. young girls, and how their respective statements about consent could affect idk their world view? :/

Something i got reminded of when reading tumblr after watching that connor tiktok clip of his stream.

I see where you're coming from and what you're feeling is valid and it's entirely up to you if you want to stay or not

I just think that we've seen a lot of examples of them being good to women, in a professional sense as well as personally (as recent as Sapnap's birthday stream we saw George direct the camera away from Sylvee's skirt while she was climbing the wall). This is not a defense of George's behavior regarding the Caiti situation in any way, shape, or form, but we also can't erase the good behavior that we have witnessed, you know?

Like, I've left fandoms for petty reasons and big reasons (i used to love shane dawson, I used to love david dobrik, i went on a weird hate watch spree for a couple depressing months in like 2018 for the paul brothers--i'm not proud) and when a cc's behavior becomes clear, I drop their ass. Even through the drituation, I've never seen behavior from the dreamteam that I thought was hateful against anyone and I believe they've always shown that they want to do what's right when they do mess up.

Do I think they have room to grow? Yeah, absolutely. But I don't think they secretly hate women or are exploiting us. ((no matter what Hannah is saying now, they have had many close female friends for quite a while--Puffy, Sylvee, Gia--and I feel like those people wouldn't have stuck around if they were shitty to women constantly when off camera))

I don't think this incident with Caiti is just another in a long line of dubious consent situations (not that I can know). If I thought they were doing this behind the scenes all the time, I'd nope out. I'm hoping that they can take this as a learning moment and find greater nuance in consent. We are always learning and Dream, the most, has always shown he's willing to take criticism and realize why something was wrong and not do it again. We've seen this from George too when he apologized for old screen shots with slurs. They aren't perfect, none of us are, but I have hope that they'll move forward with a clearer idea.

To be quite honest, I have seen the conversations around consent morph in my lifetime. It's a wonderful thing to see women speaking up and being believed and consequences coming down on men when, historically, that has almost never been the case. We need to keep having these conversations and reinforcing the line, no matter how uncomfortable it can be.

As far as dream team not caring about their audience, I can't really disagree with that right now lol. I certainly don't really feel cared for, but I'm here more for my friends now at this point.

Keep thinking through what this means for you and how you want to move forward for yourself. there's nothing wrong with putting them down for a while. I see a trend of former fans burning the ground as they leave, but like, you can just leave or take a little hiatus from dreamteam, and that's absolutely fine! You can always change your mind and come back, or you can find something else and get super invested in that. No one is going to track what you're doing and judge you, I promise.

As far as content to help you through depression, I can't recommend Brittany Broski and Trixie and Katya enough. I've been listening to Trixie and Katya's Podcast, the Bald and the Beautiful, for my long commutes and they keep me laughing. I'd start with their "Unhhh" youtube series though because it's..... Hilarious

Sorry this got so long. Classic Scoops

[a-120]

I am now in the headspace where if I don't know your tumblr I will go through your blog.

My trust has just dissapeared.

Never thought I'd experience this. This is the shit that I see in those video essays, can't believe I've actually kind of experienced it.

Its always like: "Oh, that's terrible! I hope that never happens to me. I hope those victims/people who were hurt/people who went through it get better and find peace!"

So it gets worse. It gets really worse. This wasn't exactly supposed to be a vent but it all went downhill.

I talk about suicide and self harm in this.

I hate how she was the one who really got me into Doors. I hate how she was the first person I considered a friend. I hate how that inside joke is ruined now. I hate how she got me familiar with so many things. I hate how I felt bad for her. I hate the fact that I thought I felt like I could relate to her medically. I hate the fact that she was the one who I went to for help. I hate how I asked her for help when I was suicidal. I hate how I relied on her. I hate that I have so many memories with her in them. I hate how I thought we were best friends. I hate how manipulative she is. I hate how she hurt so many people. I hate her

I HATE HER SHITTY APOLOGIES. I HATE HOW THE "APOLOGY" SHE GAVE ME WAS MASSIVE AND FILLED WITH LIES AND MANIPULATION TACTICS. I HATE HOW SHE TRIED TO GUILT TRIP US. I HATE HOW SHE FAKED THINGS THAT PEOPLE GENUINELY SUFFER FROM. I FUCKING HATE HER AND I JUST WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

SHE KNOWS IM SUICIDAL. SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE HURT MYSELF, DOESNT SHE?! SHE JUST FUCKING LOVES TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. EVER SINCE LAST YEAR, EVERYTHING HAS BEEN RUINED. HEART SURGERY, CUDA PASSING AWAY, HIGHSCHOOL, IRL FRIENDS THAT HURT ME, GETTING TOLD IM MATURE FOR MY AGE, WANTING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF, LOSING MOTIVATION FOR EVERYTHING, LEARNING THE ONLY GOOD FRIENDS I HAVE ARE SUFFERING IN THEIR OWN WAYS AND ME WANTING TO HELP THEM BUT I CANT, AND NOW THIS?!

THATS ALL I COULD THINK OF! THERES PROBABLY MORE! I JUST WANT TO TEAR MYSELF APART AND KILL MYSELF BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO DIE. IF I DIDNT HAVE ALL OF THESE FEARS I CAN BET YOU ID BE GONE BY NOW.

I'm sorry that I have to rely on so many people in order to not lose it. I wish I didn't have to rely on everyone and make their day worse by bringing her up.

Just fucking leave us alone, selfish asshole.

This wasn't meant to be massive. It was just meant to be everything until I started saying how much I hate things.

I won't be killing myself any time soon. I can't do it because I know how many people would be devastated to see me gone. I had to experience my brother trying, and even though it wasn't successful, I'm still heartbroken from it. That was years ago, too.

Thank you to the people who have been helping me.

I will continue to help others and keep an eye out.

I will make sure people block her.

Just. Block. Her.

#tw//ivory ment #sorry for the massive vent #tell me if I should delete this #tw // sh #tw // suicide #tw #tw sui vent #tw sh #tw sh destructive behaviour #tw suicide #cw sui mention #cw sh #cw sh mention

[gently-decaying-flowers]

i wasn’t gonna post this- it’s been in my drafts since like….. early november? i guess i was worried about getting hate, or being seen as rude? i dunno i overthink a lot

alas, multiple people have told me that this is actually really interesting! so i think it’s good to share now

so here we are

i have a strange outlook on personal religion. my grandparents were pretty religious, we said grace before dinner, we’d go to church (but only for easter and christmas) but i guess i never really believed in it because my parents don’t.

i definitely believe there is some sort of god or other force outside of us, whatever it may be. when i was younger, i would “pray” asking for guidance or just for things to get better (this was mostly when i started to get very depressed during 2020, i was also only about 12 at that time)

to be honest, it really helps believing there is something looking out for me. i found comfort in knowing i wasn’t thrown into this to deal with it myself. even now, things get shitty but i know everything happens for a reason. i know im not just shoved out in the universe-

actually, i don’t really see it quite like this anymore…. but when i was younger i used to think about how there could be a specific being assigned to each person. not a god, nor an angel- except i guess that would be the closest comparison. but- it’s like- there’s something here. watching over just you and focusing on you and looking toward your future.

there’s so many bad things that have happened to me that ended up leading me to the most amazing things, things i could only begin to dream of. there’s no way that’s just- chance. i’m not that lucky.

i never told anyone about this. which is why i’m so hesitant to put it out here, but i find it really interesting…

especially now. my grandpa died in 2020. since then- we stopped going to church. honestly the memories tied to it are too much to bear without him.

but every holiday season i start hearing christmas music, silent night especially, since my church used to give everyone their own candles to hold as we sang it together, and i miss it. i would never admit this to my mom- i’m not sure she’d understand.

there’s just a certain atmosphere about it, something about being there. it’s weird too- i don’t really want to participate in organized religion (although i would NEVER reflect that on someone else. if you are involved that’s amazing, and i’m happy as long as you are. my general outlook on everything is: that’s cool for you and i don’t have a problem until you try to make me do something i don’t want to do)

i guess i just like being inside a church. it’s so calming, tranquil. maybe it’s the actual nostalgia tied to it, maybe it’s a connection with how i view a higher power… either way- it’s a non-traditional approach to religion. i hardly think of it as religion anyway… but it’s something that’s brewed in my mind for years and i’ve never really processed it- or spelled it all out before.

#char rambles #tw religious themes #this has literally been in my drafts for SO long

[abimee]

i get where posts are coming from when they talk about the, i dont know what better way to example them besides ''weird/strange disorders'' people are often adverse to, and in ways that try to make them palatable/less scary like ''oh my friend who hears voices actually enjoys them and she finds comfort in them'' and doing things in a way to mitigate the fear of them, even people who have them themselves doing this. but i dont really enjoy that this is the only line that these thoughts go through, of how entertaining or enjoyable these things can be, when i think we do need more understanding of them by demanding the outside participant recognize that theyre not always going to get that feel-good depiction of our disorders

like the best way i can personally put it is yeah some of my disorder symptoms are enjoyable on my part, but a problem with that is when im manic and in a state that makes me feel good i can often become a danger to myself or others because im so hopped up on my own euphoria that i forget consequences and limitations exist, and so often mania is just as bad for me if not worse for me than depression because im incapable of being self aware, critical, realistic, and the mania can often feed into a dangerous mindset teetering me closer to suicide than depression. but mania getting played off as just '' i have so much energy! i got zoomies!" or ''mania is actually really cool because [x]'' when in all actuality of someone like me with insane bipolar swings starts telling you how enjoyable mania is Thats A Bad Sign

or like with the symptoms that float somewhere between my bipolar and ocd. im going to ask for some incredibly insane accomodations or say things that i dont understand may be hurtful because what may be a silly little quirk you do may feel like someone is putting their nails into my skin and dragging them down my back until they draw blood. or i may act offputting because my brain is either trying to tell me that i was destined by god to save you from your relationship, that i have no basis to believe is unhealthy purely besides my brain telling me that because you arent dating me that you are surely in a shitty relationship, or the complete opposite where im certain you are in fact only in my life to steal my friends and make a mockery of me by long conning me into getting close to you and revealing information for you to put out and get me hunted down and killed like an animal for, even thought there is no such information besides my brain telling me There Might Be and I just forgot

and to have friendships and close relationships with people similar to me is to have to not only respect back but understand that youre not going to get the feel good caretaker shit where my bipolar actually makes me a fun and interesting person to be around or my comorbid ocd actually makes me a really safety orientated person, it means youre going to have to watch me just directly not say some things to you on a discord call because i think were being recorded by secret agents and me asking you to come pick me up a 3 mile drive away randomly because i tried taking a vacation but psyched myself into believing im going to die if i dont get back home and i need to get home NOW. like i get positivity posts about the ''scary/weird'' disorders have their time and place but when all i see is people trying to make us palatable i wonder if even people like me who are defined and live day by day with their neurosis would be included because we exemplify some of many reasons why these disorders are in the neurodivergence category, one defined by the fact that we dont need medication and to be ''cured'' as much as we need the world around us to learn to accomodate us and accept us without trying to change us.

and theres people more severe than me! certainely! im only in the medium to extreme range of bipolar being youthful and not experiencing more psychosis symptoms, but even i can be offputting and upsetting to others purely by thr way my bipolar has wired me, and i wonder if IM considered ''too much'' for people how my siblings who need 24 hour round clock assistance and care to live will be treated and if the people who wanna de-fang disorders can accept those people as friends and family and closed ones. this also goes into stuff like how we can pass these disorders onto their kids, and what if your child is the violent stereotype? what if the voices arent nice? what if your child cant be left alone with a babysitter or anybody besides a select set of people without freaking out? what then

[mythicalmyles]

honey i’m so sorry that’s happening. i was going through the same thing a while ago. it’s okay if none of those things work. just “taking a bath” doesn’t work with depression. some meds didn’t work for me either. it’s important to remember that meds don’t work for a lot of people. it’s okay to try new ones and switch them. i tried like three different ones and dosages before finding one that worked for me. it takes time to heal and im sure these people reminding you of your problems don’t make you feel any better. it’s okay to feel upset. i probably can’t make you feel different about yourself but i can say i’ve gone through that. so many people have and you are not alone. it’s very very hard to believe but it does get better. i’m sure you’ve heard that millions of times before, but it does.

as for the nicotine, it’s hard to get off that kind of stuff. habits are hard to break. i understand that. i was the same with sh. i don’t have much experience with that kind of addiction, but i can recommend nicotine gum and patches.

one thing that helped me when i felt like i was going to do something was remind myself how many people would miss me. how my dog would stand by the window wondering where i went because she didn’t understand. how my parents and friends would mourn me and miss me.

it’s okay to reach out for help and you’ve done so much already by getting a therapist. it’s okay to switch therapists. i had to go through about four before i found my right one.

you are doing amazing by letting these feelings out and it’s okay to feel this way. so many people care about you. i know it’s hard to believe but it will get better. it may take days, months, years, but it will. i know it’s frustrating and i know none of this might help but i want you to know there are people like you out there who are going through this.

additionally, you should add the suicide hotline to your phone, i did it and it’s a good emergency plan. one thing you can also try on tumblr is kokobot, it’s anonymous and it’s a whole bot about venting.

you’ve got this love. stay strong<33

Ive been on so many meds im not qualified to get weed legally in the uk i lost count of how many ive been thru and these ones do good.. but they dont always work and my drs just keep upping my dosage im on 350 quitiapine and 150 sertraline along with 100mgs of instant activate quitiapine and honestly if it werent for my bf and the animals i wouldve dipped a long time ago but ik no one will look after them as well as i do

Unfortunately im allergic to nicotine patches and i cant actually have chewing hum due to my tmj i tried the spray but it instantly made me throw yp everytime i tried it so i packed it in and it was our first day i felt shitty bc we went straight into my trauma (first person ive ever told what actually happened) so i was dealing w that after along w flashbacks shes rlly sweet though and was really kind to me it was just a heavy session

And funnily enough i have tried two hotlines and both hung up on me so that was gucci mane 💃 but thank you i really appreciate it and i hope you have a great day

[iliana-the-dreamer]

a message for ed tumblr

to anyone who cares to read - (ed tw)

my girlfriend is my everything. i think she might be the love of my life. she matters to me more than anything else in the world.

over the last few years my mental illnesses have progressed and trauma ive experienced continues to affect me every day. it is really difficult to see an end in sight.

im trying to get into therapy… i haven’t spoken to a therapist since i was in middle school and im nearly 21 now. im trying to work it out with my mom. its been a long time coming. i promised my gf this a long time ago and i need to follow thru on a promise for once in my life this matters more than anything.

i want to graduate college on time. i have been plagued by the fear that my ed and depression will stop me from doing so.

it is so so hard to focus on my future when i feel utterly stuck in my past.

fights with my gf leave me hating myself because i don’t understand why i can’t just get better, recover and be normal. i don’t understand why i have no motivation some days to fight for a better life and am helpless. i am trapped. ive been trapped by the seemingly never-ending pain in my brain and body since 2019.

the symptoms of my ed are severe. i also have chronic illness (diagnosed pots, some other shit autoimmune issues and potentially ehlers danlos, although i have heard that both are associated with eating disorders, scary as that is). i have chronic fatigue and small fiber nerve pain.

i have been around ~10 lb or so underweight on avg for the majority of the past 16 months. im cold all the time. ive lost so much normal control over my bladder and bowels. my brain fog makes it impossible to focus on anything. im miserable. i want my old brain back and i want my life back. i still don’t think of myself as sick enough but the truth is that i never will.

i need to recover.

my body is tired. tired of being mistreated by me. i am (mostly) sh free for almost two years (in january). that is an accomplishment. i need to fight harder against my self-destructive personality.

im in my shitty dorm bed next to my sleeping gf. i know that i need to get better for her. she deserves better. she has brought my greater joy than i had ever known before. i don’t want to imagine my life without her in it with me. she has told me many times that she can’t stay with me if i keep getting worse. she is supporting me in getting better and now is the time. i can’t keep putting it off, i can’t keep letting everyone else pass me by while i put off trying to make a better life for myself. i deserve to eat. every day i deserve to eat. i need to tell myself this every day even though i won’t always believe it.

i have the irrational fear that i won’t stop gaining weight forever. it is irrational. i need to find the weight that my body is happy at because as it stands i don’t know what that is but i know it isn’t where im at now.

i know that i need to fight for myself and for my health to make things right. i fear losing my love more than anything else - much more than gaining weight, even more than death. i don’t think i can forget the look in her eyes as she begged me to stop starving myself. i can’t live with the guilt of hurting her as i hurt myself. i have to break the relapse cycle, i know that i might relapse over and over but i have to try to keep going no matter what. i want a better life for myself and for her.

it is never worth it to do this to yourself. being skinny won’t make you happy. most days i don’t like what i see in the mirror and some days its like i don’t even recognize myself. suffering like this isn’t worth it. that voice in your head wants you to slowly k*ll yourself. you know it’s true. i want to choose to fight it every day for the rest of my life or else i know i can’t truly be happy. if anyone is reading this and needs help or wants to talk please message me.

love iliana

#recovery #ed not sheeren #mental health #therapy #youre not alone #trying to be better #tw depressing thoughts #tw ed sheeran

[dissociativedreadtheatre]

Were currently struggling to accept help. Its been hard and confusing but our whole lives anytime anyone (doctors and therapists included) try to validate us or even when reading other peoples experiences that we relate to our stomach twists up, our mind gets fuzzy and our chest feels like its getting stabbed.

Something stops us from being able to relate to people, to feel valid and safe. The feeling of warmth and safty always gets ripped from us. Its isolating to say the least. We know that at one point we were seen as some godlike entity or that one could talk threw us? So were not "suppose" to have anything wrong with us and were really not "suppose" to relate to "normal people" but this often leaves us feeling like we have nothing wrong with us and so arnt allowed in victim spaces if we dont idetify with anything having happened to us even tho we do logically know it did.

Even when doctors tell us somethings wrong with us we cant believe them. Even when we DO logically believe them its like no matter how much I want to I just cant. I can get blood tests to come back positive on illnesses and STILL cant get myself to believe any of it.

I know we have programed parts set to not take medications and not listen to medical or social cues unless approved by someone of power. Im not sure if there are just more programs then we know about or if one just kinda permeates all of it. We recently left the family behind but the mother was the only person our programs listened to. Were just not sure what to do anymore. We want to join your discord, we want to access recrosses, we want to be able to take our medications, we want to believe our doctor when they say we have a chronic illness and be able to use our mobility aides. But we just cant...something stops us each and every time and it hurts and im at my complete wits end over it all. Sometimes its a spinning feeling, sometimes its a painful feeling, sometimes someone else fronts and they stop us, sometimes fragments stop us, its all just so much to much to type up. We have no way of finding a therapist for help to break any of this down. At times me and my system cant help but feel like failures. Before finding all of this we use to think we were a really shitty system for how disordered and debilitating our systoms with DID are. People say you can live a healthy plurl life and you can work together if you just work on it and splitting happens less and you can send out alters to help were you need it and like...we try our hardest we all really do. and i love my system for everything and yes we have been able to work together but also we just split more and more and more and the nightmears and hullusiations are so sary and we cant get ahold of ourselves and we DONT work like a big team there are to many of us and so many people ahve to split up their prioritys betwene parts and honestly were just to damn tired. were just to exsaughted to keep doing this alone. oh im so sorry :( we didnt mean to rant like this were sorry

You genuinely have nothing to apologise about, you are allowed to use our asks in such ways to yell and scream because it means that you are getting it out rather then keeping it in.

The first step in healing is acknowledging the fact that how you're existing at the moment needs to change. It is the want that is really important, you want to have access to resources and take medical aids that will help your quality of life. That is the first step, and you've admitted that to us, which means you genuinely want to change the way things are.

Deprogramming is something that can not be forced, yes therapy and medical settings do help for a large sum of people however sometimes that privilege is not there and sometimes therapy doesn't help. It is understandable that accepting help is difficult, especially if you have been programmed to quite literally not accept it. However right here and now, you have reached out to us, that is a really big step in the right direction of healing! That is genuinely incredible and you should be proud of yourself!

For systems who are survivors, when you're just starting to realise the trauma you went through, even listening to other survivors is daunting, and horrifying. It takes time to realise that what happened, is not your fault, you didn’t have any control over it, and you can't change what happened. Living in denial is a coping mechanism that can be incredibly harmful, however if it is what you need to do right now to exist, there isn't anything wrong with leaving the trauma processing to another day.

It is a hard battle between you logical and mental thinking, often logically you know so much but attempting to convince you irrational thinking? Your emotional thinking? That is incredibly difficult and hard to change, and it definitely will not change over night, it takes time, and energy. So instead of attempting to fix it all ASAP, take your time, take your time in the world because attempting to rush your healing, will make it infinitely worse.

A part of programming is denial programming, a failsafe for your thinking process that is used against you to make you believe, and truly believe, that none of your trauma happened. None of your hurt that you feel happened. It is an incredibly hard program to over come because you logically want to heal and take steps forward but you feel dragged back by other parts. It sounds like a lot of the things you exhibit such as spinning, and a painful feeling, are all forms of programs that I and several others exhibit.

It is hard to believe that you are not alone in this battle, but I promise, you've reached out to us, and that is incredible process. Incredible process to begin healing. To recognise that what happened, happened, and the responses you get now are valid because what happened, was fucked up, and it majorly effected you. Take you time, I know I am sure as hell not going anywhere, we will always be here, take your time with healing. You healing will take as much or as little time as it needs.

Take your time, you're not alone, take deep breaths, and know, you are allowed to not be okay, its okay to not be okay. I believe in you, you've got this.

#ramcoa #ramcoa server #tbmc #dbmc

[egotisticalmachine]

it is so fucking wild to me that people will go out of their way to post anti NPD stuff in NPD community tags and still think that us nasty narcissists (sarcasm) are the bad guys. bestie (even more sarcasm) youre the one intruding in spaces for mentally ill people. youre the one trying to cast every single person with a specific disorder as an abuser and actively putting those baseless accusations in tags that are not fucking meant for you.

these people will go on and on about how entitled they think we are, but then the moment they see us trying to have our own community to share advice and resources or just commiserate or joke together, they cant help but try to make everything about themselves and their trauma as if we dont fucking have enough of our own. the hypocrisy is ASTOUNDING lol. they have exactly zero awareness of their own bullshit. its always "empathy is what makes us human!!!!! ✌️" until you ask them to maybe extend that empathy to people with a personality disorder, and then its all aboard the dehumanization train! first stop, those filthy fucking narcs!!

im really just spitting vitriol because i know ill fixate on this if i dont let out my anger, so lemme just be a total cunt for a minute and if the narc abuse truthers stumble on this and wanna point at me and say im proof that narcissists are cruel, then boo hoo, go find a pwNPD who has more patience for being demonized. these people are fucking disgusting. they act like spoiled children. ive put in so much fucking work to better myself and learn how to play nice and be compassionate and patient and kind despite my obstacles, while these absolute jackasses go out of their way to insult and harass us, even advocating for us to be fucking abused, and yet im the one seen as a villain just because of the label for my symptoms. these assholes are like fucking toddlers playing make believe and inventing some cartoon villain to be mad at and then bawling their eyes out the moment someone tells them they have to get along with others, except i actually LIKE children and can have patience for them because theyre not old enough to know any better, unlike the grown fucking adults who go prancing around advocating for pwNPD to be neglected and manipulated without any regard for who we are as people. absolutely fucking vile. id call them victims of pop psychology misinformation but they arent victims, theyre fucking perpetrators of ableism who are the ones actually causing harm while so many pwNPD are just trying to exist in peace. disgusting, appalling, they make me fucking sick with their unwillingness to give a single shit about their fellow human beings. and theyre so fucking stubborn, digging their heels in whenever anyone tries to tell them theyre being cruel, playing the victim and crying crocodile tears and blaming us for being so fucking mean for daring to want some fucking decent treatment instead of being treated like scum all the time. they act like we have victim complexes but they cant handle the thought that maybe they ARE victimizing us, that THEYRE the abusive ones for treating us all like literal demons. all fucking hypocrisy. i hope in the next life they get better heads on their shoulders because i dont have much hope for them in this one. shitty whiny assholes.

#ableism cw #abuse cw #vent #literally idc if this sounds harsh #''youre insulting abuse victims'' IM AN ABUSE VICTIM. WHERE DO YOU THINK THE NPD CAME FROM. #fine to reblog if anyone wants to i guess?? #like i said im just ranting so i can be done with my anger and move on #A HEALTHY COPING SKILL. FOR THE FUCKING RECORD. UNLIKE HARASSING MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. YOU CUCKS.

[bi-curious--george]

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect.  And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time.  I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life.  And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important.  I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid.  To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out.  And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today.  I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor.  And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours.  So. I was trying to take a bath.  And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right?   and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music.  And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV.  So i did have that going  for me.   So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally  dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS".  And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.  

I didnt think i was going to get it.  I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying  " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around. 

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll  get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think.   My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile". 

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

 I've appreciated that your music  has been there the whole time.  The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same. 

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight.  I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.   

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride.  I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair.  I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person.  I had been a fan since before your first album.  Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them.  I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets. 

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and  since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward.  "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess.  And that's not on you, that's just a me thing.  And that's for my new therapist to unpack,  😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there. 

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1,  I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's  the best avenue..  then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!)  Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis  on 11/2- it's worth a shot.  🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.

#taylor swift #taylornation #taylurking #the eras tour #speak now taylor’s version #personal #folklore #swifties #ts eras tour #speak now #long live #journal

[spurgie-cousin]

watching my friend (who previously stated she respected people's pronouns and identity, and was a generally supportive and kind person) become slowly radicalized through instagram reels and becoming transphobic. fuck the algorithm. im not sure what to do. i send her info (im not rlly good at debating and making points) and try my best to dissect the video but she doesn't reply. i have a hard time making friends so its hard to distance myself. i also am bad at making points and arguing and finding sources.

i've also had people in my life radicalized online to various degrees, and yea, unfortunately, i don't think there is one set way to address that.

the problem is that the videos your friend is watching are confirming some sort of fear or anxiety they have about trans people, whether that fear is subconscious or not, and that is what is motivating them to interact with that kind of content as opposed to them actually wanting to learn about trans people/issues.

so when people are motivated only by having their biases confirmed, it doesn't matter how many facts you try to share with them. if they were concerned with that, they could very easily test their biases against mountains of documented, scientific information that is available to all of us at any given time of day (esp if your friend is a younger person and knows how to do basic internet research). at the end of the day we're all responsible for our own education, and i feel like if people purposefully avoid doing research on obviously controversial topics, it's for a reason; they want to keep believing the thing they believe (unless it's due to mental illness or something the person can't control, which is a whole 'nother rant).

they way i've dealt with it just depends on the person in question. for friends and acquaintances, it's usually too exhausting for me to have those kinds of people in my life who want to argue all the time and be cruel to minorities, so they just get cut out or put at an extreme distance (and if they ask why, i'm honest with them). if that's not an option for you my only advice is to make your beliefs very clear, and set boundaries as needed, like no political talk if this person is going to dehumanize trans people. or set a boundary for yourself, like if this person crosses this line, then i need to be done with them.

for family that this applies to, i just shut down all political conversations because they're pointless for the reasons i described above. i keep the lines of communication open as long as my own boundaries aren't crossed and am very vocal when they are. it's harder for me to cut them off for a lot of reasons, but mainly because i know i'm the only left-leaning person some of them even interact with and i guess i have this idea that if i can be a person they love who they know holds different beliefs, then maybe they'll connect the dots and realize that people who disagree with them can be worth knowing. and that they aren't the caricatures they've been fed by the conservative media.

anyway, this got way longer than intended sorry, it's a hard subject for sure. the tldr i guess would be: make your beliefs known, try to identify the emotional factor that's motivating their shitty behavior, and protect your own peace at all costs.

#politics #advice