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pedge-stuff · 1 year

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102 degrees (pedro pascal x gn/m!reader)

a/n: same vague universe as “marked.” drop a line if you have a sug. (:

summary: maybe it's the fever talking, but Pedro might finally be ready to go public with your relationship.

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It’s not a whine, per se— more like a thin, whistle-y exhale as the press tents come into view. A noise of quiet resignation; Pedro is exhausted, and the night hasn’t even started.

There is little comfort you can offer. You’ve been careful not to touch his face or hair throughout the ride, per the explicit instructions of Mira. This has left you no option but the back of his neck, between the high collar of his overcoat and the lowest hang of his curls. You thumb rhythmically over the overly-warm, slightly damp skin. Small comforts.

Of course he’d wake up with the flu on the day of the biggest premiere of his career thus far. “Fucking shit-ass karma,” he’d groaned between dry heaves over the toilet that morning. Three negative covid tests and a house-call IV drip later (celebrity medical care is, you’ve come to realize, very fucking weird), he was semi-functional. But fucking miserable.

This once, you’ll give your grown ass boyfriend a pass for whining.

Though the windows are tinted, you are quick to remove your hand as the car pulls up. He is anxious enough about the evening, without having to worry about people seeing. You know the drill— low profile has basically become your middle name. The only thing worse than having the flu on premiere night, you muse, would probably be Pedro getting outed to the world.

“It’s going to be fine,” you insist softly, squeezing his knee. “Carpet, premiere, talkback, reception. Easy.”

He straightens out of his slump against you, taking a deep breath. “Easy,” Pedro repeated, unconvincingly. He sighs.

“Then a full cap of NyQuil and no alarm tomorrow morning.”

You dare to grip his hand, one last time, as the car slows to a stop. He brings yours to his lips, and presses a (noticeably fever-warm) kiss to the exposed skin of your wrist.

"Only thing getting me through this is the prospect of going back to bed with you tonight."

"Mr. Pascal, are you coming on to me?"

He offers a weak chuckle. "Ask me again when I'm not about to barf in the back of an Uber."

The car slows to a stop. Another deep breath, as Pedro slips an easy mask back into place. "Carpet, premiere, talkback, reception."

— — —

There are layers to the whole thing. You don’t begrudge his hesitancy, to publicly reveal your relationship. The few times a pap has caught you out together, the TMZ byline is something along the lines of “Pedro Pascal Seen Strolling Sunset with SNL Sidekick.” Perks of heteronormativity, you suppose.

It’s all him. You’ve been out for a long, long ass time— frankly, never thought you’d go back in, til suddenly you’re signing an NDA and attaching yourself at the hip to a man whose hand you can’t hold in public.

It’s not that he’s ashamed. (He reassures you of this often.) He’s just private, and unwilling to pop a bubble he’s lived comfortably in for the better part of five decades; sometimes, his perspective on (and fear of) public homophobia speaks volumes to the age gap between you.

So you stand back, under the cover of the press tents, watching Pedro walk the carpet. You’re in good company— Mira and Coco track him beside you with narrowed eyes, vigilantly monitoring him for accidental hair touches or makeup smudges.

He sways on his feet between interviews. Your heart clenches.

The carpet is short, much less elaborate than the ones at awards ceremonies. After a few interviews and a series of photographs, everyone starts slowly making their way into the theater.

You hang back in the lobby, a little unsure of how to proceed. There is guest seating in the mezzanine, mostly for the press reporters and various network reps in attendance. It's not a big venue. The main seating is reserved, obviously, for the people actually associated with the show. And their guests. Which is, technically, you, but... Well.

You maybe should have ironed this out prior to arrival. The whole flu thing kinda took priority.

"Yo!" There is a light shove on your shoulder. Bella, flush with excitement and fresh off the carpet, pulls you in for a quick hug. "Your man is so unwell."

They are laughing, though your heart clenches. Poor baby. "This would only happen to him," you agree. "He come in already?" You'd been scanning the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Like a fan. (A fan that spent the better part of the morning pressing a cold washcloth to his neck, sitting on the bathroom floor.)

Bella cocked an eyebrow. "You guys are so fucking weird about this shit." They are privy to the details, courtesy of Pedro. Apparently it was a hot topic of conversation while killing time on set. You'd received many a FaceTime during long stop-downs between takes; calls you'd assume were your boyfriend, but had Bella cackling on the line after you picked up.

As if on cue, a mass of black fabric appears in your periphery.

"Are you conspiring to put me out of my misery?" Pedro is still wearing his 'everything is fine and I'm doing great' press smile.

"Duh." Bella smooths down the front of their blazer. "I think it's gonna start soon? I gotta find my mom."

They wade back into the dwindling crowd, leaving you and your germy boyfriend in the corner. Pedro's eyes are closed, as he takes measured breaths through his nose.

"Oh babe," you whisper quietly. "I'm sorry this is happening to you."

He softens. "It's okay. I'm okay. Gonna be honest, I'm relieved we're about to sit down for a couple hours."

"Just a few more hours left, that's all. I'll see you at the reception?" Your eyes drift to the door upstairs, behind the velvet rope separating press and attendees.

“Are we not—“ He clears his throat, voice breaking weakly. “Are we not sitting together?”

His eyes are glassy, but lack the same fever-bright quality he’d woken up with. The crease between his eyes deepens as he frowns. This feels like the start of a larger conversation that most definitely will not be happening in the lobby of the Regency Village Theater.

“We can,” you offer cautiously. “If that is what you want.”

A large, slightly trembly hand grasps your shoulder. “Of course that’s what I want, love. ‘M sorry. It’s dark, it’s safe, I just… I’m so tired.” The last part is admitted in a pained whisper. Your heart aches. It takes a concerted effort to not reach out and touch him. (It usually does, in public. He is a tactile aficionado– preens over little touches, forehead kisses, the brush of your hand over his hair. You offer these so frequently in private, that in public, your hand twitches regularly against the impulses.)

Pedro's manager waves from the other side of the room. He musters a small smile, releasing the grip on your shoulder. "Premiere, talkback, reception. Bed."

In the stiff theater seats, he leans so far over the armrest, you know his back will be sore later. But he tucks himself into your side the moment the lights dim, head on your shoulder. The frame of his glasses digs into your neck, and you couldn't care less. Your focus is on the lines he is tracing into your palm, large hand cupping yours in your lap.

The show is fantastic. Of course. The talkback is short, courtesy of Craig, and the reception is informal enough that you are in-and-out. Pedro makes the rounds while you make awkward small talk with Bella's mom (whose name you always forget, dammit, but she's lovely nonetheless). Take two sips of some cocktail called "Look for the Light" and wait for your cue to leave. Though you remain blissfully flu-free, you have been anticipating the conclusion of this evening as strongly as Pedro.

The Uber home has to make an emergency stop, so the star of the evening can puke water and crackers on the side of Mulholland Drive. You tip well.

And then, hours after he stepped onto the carpet, the prophecy is fulfilled. Pedro is tucked into bed, dogs at his feet, empty but blue-tinged medicine cap discarded on the nightstand beside a mug of water and his glasses.

His face is smushed into the pillow. Eyelids at half-mast, as he watches you change out of your simple suit and into a pair of well-loved flannel bottoms.

You don't need a shirt. On cue, your boyfriend octopus-latches as you slide under the covers, head resting on your bare collarbone.

"You did good tonight," you say, through a yawn. Reach up to tug the chain on the bedside lamp. Your other hand cards through Pedro's hair, detangling little clumps of hair spray he was too tired to brush out. "'M so proud of you."

"I mean it," he whispers back. "It's time. I'm sick of not being able to hold your hand."

Your lips brush his temple. 'We can talk about it tomorrow."

"Plenty of time for it," he mumbles, right on the cusp of sleep. "Since we're not leaving this bed."

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal one shot #pedro pascal rpf #pedro pascal x male reader #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fluff #the last of us #joel miller hurt/comfort #joel miller x reader #joel miller #pedro pascal hurt/comfort #bella ramsey

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gabessquishytum · 8 months

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So Desire married exclusively for money, but is now stuck in a sexless marriage with a dusty professor who they don't even really enjoy spending time with. The worst part is that because of the prenup, they can't even leave Hob, or they walk away with nothing. Hob has to be the one to start the divorce, or Desire can kiss the money and easy life goodbye. And sleeping around isn't nearly as fun when you have to go home to an indiffrent husband. So they enlist Dream who desperately needs the money to be a home wrecker and have Hob fall in love with him so he starts the divorce and Desire can walk away with the money. The bigger issue is that Dream starts to fall for Hob and hard. Everything that Desite insists is a turn off, Dream finds so charming and loveable. And so he goes into a panic because if he continues to go after Hob, Hob will leave Desire and loose half if his assets and it will be Dream's fault. But if Dream leave Hob with no explanation, Hob will stay with Desire, who openly hates him, and Dream will loose someone he really likes. And telling Hob will make Hob hate him, so theres no way Dream will get out of this without loosing the man he loves.

Asfhklkjf the ANGST hit and took me by surprise here!! Holy shit!!

From Hob’s perspective... well, he knew that Desire married him for money and security, and he was fine with it. He needed a partner who would dress up nice and be charming at faculty functions, helping Hob climb further up the greasy pole of academia. He knows that Desire cheats on him all the time, which is why he has no interest in sleeping with them at all any more - he's really not looking to catch an STI off his spouse, that would be too humiliating.

Hob may be a dusty academic tripping into middle age, but he still has needs, so of course he's interested in Desire's pretty, soft spoken brother. Dream is everything Hob would like in a partner, and it's pretty obvious that he feels the same - he's not exactly subtle in his looks and touches. They enjoy debating with each other, play board games, enjoy each other's company. Hob is definitely starting to see that he married the wrong sibling.

He is sensible enough to make Desire sit down and sort the whole situation out. Neither of them are happy, that's pretty obvious. Hob is willing to split equally and amicably with Desire, no one has to be blamed, their joint assets will simply be divided. Desire can even have the house if they want.

It's a perfect solution and Desire is thrilled to be free of their disaster of a marriage! Until... they start seeing a change in Hob. The way he is with Dream is so different, so romantic. He buys gifts, takes him on cute little mini breaks, and posts the cutest updates on Instagram. Stuff he NEVER did for Desire. Desire has overheard Dream whispering about his sex life to Death and they can't believe it! Apparently Hob is some kind of unstoppable force in bed?! Dream is almost exhausted from all the amazing sex?! Its not FAIR.

Desire is inexplicably so jealous, seeing their brother and ex husband so happy and loved up. Sure Dream did everything that Desire wanted and broke up their marriage but he did it TOO well! Why does he get to be happy when Desire is miserable?!

#the sandman #dreamling #nsft #desire of the endless

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xstarkillerx · 1 year

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Maul in the Jedi Temple (drabble)

I don’t know how much sense this is gonna make because it’s been a vague idea in my head for weeks, but if you’re a maul lover like me, do yourself a favour and (don’t) play the TFU Jedi Temple DLC wearing the Maul skin. It absolutely will make you confront the idea of Maul, years after the Clone Wars, seeking out the Temple Ruins for... something. He doesn’t quite know why he’s there, but he feels as though the front gate itself might smite him for daring to look upon it, even when it lets him in with ease.

He spends some time exploring the ruins, most of it untraversable now, but still grand, still teeming with light and remnants of a dead religion. The force feels different here. When he crushes the statues in the hall, or lifts the giant globe off the ground, it's not a destructive act, it's almost playful, a back and forth between him and the energy that flows through the building.

Something calls him to the heart of the temple, a dark hall with a Holocron at the end of it. Blue and holy and inviting it bursts to life without his having to touch it, putting forth a towering projection of a man, a Jedi, in a hood.

"My son..." It booms and what a novel concept, Maul thinks, a Jedi bearing children. " you now control your own destiny. The dark side is strong in you," Maul feels small, infantile, voyeuristic, dwarfed by the projection with the warm voice whose message is clearly not for him." but you can still be saved.” It says. “The blood of a true Jedi, my blood, flows through you but you must complete the trials..." He tunes the rest out. It isn't long before he is blinded and dropped in the middle of a stone abyss.

Menial challenges are set before him, the fabled Jedi trials, child’s fodder honestly, but he proceeds. Maul is led to a stone platform. From the dark emerges something that makes him want to vomit, a red zabrak with black markings, silent, stoic, no older than 22 years old. He sees it now, he was truly a frightening presence at that age. Darth circles him on hunter’s feet, never making so much as an audible scuff on the stone floor. Maul flexes his left foot, a new habit garnered by a tight joint he hasn’t had the spare part to fix yet. He knows himself, knows that Darth will attack swiftly, so he takes what milliseconds he has to try to remember how he would have fought when his body was complete. He'd be faster, lighter, more agile, but more cocky, a warrior who hasn't tasted the sour of loss; loss of limb, loss of life, of status, of sanity.

The duel is bloody, a flurry of red light. Maul hasn't thrown himself into battle like this since he was a young man, thirsty for purpose and proof that his existence is not a mistake. Maul reigns victorious in the end. He slices Darth in half and pierces him through the heart with his saber, a sickening thing to watch from this new perspective after playing in his head over and over again those long years he spent in the madness and filth. He kicks Darth’s body off the ledge into the seeming endless abyss. A guttural scream erupts from his chest and he falls to his knees. It stings his eyes and scratches away at the walls of tight throat, the urge to cry like a babe.

The dark side is strong in you but... echoes in his ears. Maul thinks about whoever's wretched son that Holocron was meant for, what special purpose he must have to be seen as redeemable in the eyes of the pious Jedi.

The dark side is strong in you but... Maul covers his ears, a futile action in the in the bellowing silence of the stone abyss, but it lets him hear his own heart rate as it slows in the comedown from adrenaline.

The dark side is strong in you but... He thinks about his own miserable little life. He thinks of parenthood, of those precious few moments his mother held him before damning her runt.

The dark side is strong in you but... He thinks of Sith, of Jedi, of the force that binds the two. What would he have been if they had found the runt first, those so-called keepers of peace. If they raised him in the light, would they have adorned his horns in silly beads, given him sandy coloured robes, condemned him to life lacking in riches and sex and... would they have abandoned him too?

“but you can still be saved.” Maul retches at the thought. The Jedi failed that runt, as they failed the Galaxy those many years ago. The Jedi failed him, it was never his choice to make an enemy of them. And yet...

Maul absentmindedly flexes his left foot and adjusts his position on the floor, folding his metal legs under himself as best he can. The thought does cross his mind that somehow he’s found himself on the winning end of their trial, their test of worthiness, at the heart of their temple. He chooses not to linger on it. Maul finds himself occupied with the lively silence of the temple instead, a warm breeze of energy passing through his body like a sheet of linen.

Somewhere, floating in that space in time, he realizes his lightsaber went over the ledge with Darth, buried in the young man’s chest.

Somehow it’s not a discomforting thought.

#idk how i feel about this but the idea wouldn't leave my head #darth maul #darth maul fic #darth maul headcanon #maul hcs #the force unleashed #the force unleashed 2 #jedi!maul #?#grey jedi!maul #donnie does 👑

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catboybiologist · 4 months

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Holy fuck this got long.

@glorhatransgal asked about my "queer timeline", and I'm making a separate post for reblog control. Feel free to engage in the replies or my DMs, though! I'm a pretty open book, except some stuff I would rather leave to DMs.

The tl;Dr is that I think I knew from the time I started puberty, but I had a weird commitment to suppression and misery. I've only managed to tackle that feeling in the past year or so, and I still need to socially transition.

Long long thing under the cut with mental health CWs!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the first awareness I had of queerness was when California proposition 8 was a thing, in the 2008 election. I was ~10 or 11 at the time, and asked my mom what the big deal with letting two men marry was. She explained a bit, explained that "you'll like girls when you get older but you shouldn't judge what other people do" and then emphasized that I shouldn't really ever worry about dating or relationships ever because I should focus on school.

That was a HUGE underlying theme, not just from my parents, but from the area I grew up in overall. Very high academic pressure just kinda.... Oozed out of everywhere, without any one specific parent or teacher particularly overemphasizing it (with notable exceptions). This came up a lot, and made me feel stupid or vain for engaging in any other aspects of my personality, including queerness.

I remember having some semblance of trans thoughts back in Middle School, without ever learning what trans people are explicitly. None of the adults in my life wanted to discuss the subject, mostly brushing it off as "it's something other people do and you shouldn't judge them". Very little explicit hate, to be fair, which is good. But a lot of changing the subject. So to me, it felt like basic vanity- eg, a shallow desire to be "pretty" that everyone had, of course, that I just needed to get rid of to focus on academics.

And of course, on top of that, I was more tech literate than the average kid. So my head was stuffed with the.... Unique.... Perspective on queerness, particularly trans people, provided by the unrestricted wilderness of the 2009-2016 internet. Since no adult in my life would really address it, it gave me a lot of really bad perspectives on the whole thing.

I'm not quite sure when bisexuality entered the picture, but I called myself "straight with exceptions" from the ages of 14 to 21 at least. My earliest clear memory of being attracted to a man was when I saw Aragorn in LotR for the first time (can you blame me?). If you want to make fun of my little nerd ass more, my first distinct attraction to a woman was probably Padme's midriff outfit in Attack of the Clones. Again, since my head was stuffed with weird ideas of queerness, gayness was often portrayed as a disgust or lack of attraction to women. I didn't have that, so I couldn't be queer, right? "Straight with an asterisk" it was.

Dysphoria kinda crackled in the background and grew as I went through puberty. The way I've described it is that my "resting state" was never happy pre-HRT. I could easily make myself happy and distract from it, but I didn't "come home" to a good feeling. Not an overwhelming feeling, not a suicidal one, but just being miserable in the background if there wasn't something to make me happy.

So when I hit a wall with my mental health in high school, it ended very poorly. I was in mostly advanced programs until then, but couldn't keep up due to things I *now* realize were ADHD symptoms. I had ongoing physical health problems that meant orthopedic surgeries, multiple extended times on crutches, limping around a lot, and ongoing pain and lack of physical ability that most people couldn't see, making me feel hopeless about my body and future. Add in a nice little dysphoria bundle in the background of all of that…and yeah. That's the self harm and suicidal period of my life. I was very weird in high school, oscillating between AP classes and almost failing out. I was also really just... Nasty to a lot of people around me, as a shield for how miserable I was. So uh, if you knew me in high school and stumble across this somehow... I am truly sorry. But I made it through, mostly through the patience and good graces of friends and teachers.

Anyways. I'm on a tangent.

Undergrad wasn't that memorable for my queerness- I lived at home while attending a local state college, and dated one cis girl for about a year there. Years later she told me that she realized she's bi, so that was kinda validating. I dove a lot into a academics, research, and volunteering to distract myself, and was academically successful.

I was asked out by a gay guy at one point in undergrad. He was someone who I had talked about my uncertain sexuality with and helped me work towards calling myself bi. When he asked me out, I got a bad vibe, and told him I actually thought I was straight. He was later arrested for rape. So uh... Bullet dodged? After his arrest, I started openly calling myself bisexual, but didn't really do anything with it- no dating and no community. It was a long time coming by that point, and the experience made me realize that I didn't have to be attracted to *all* men to say I'm attracted to men. After all, I wasn't attracted to all women either.

I graduated from undergrad in 2020 and stayed at the same uni for my MS. And this is where we enter "how much do I say" territory. My MS was instrumental in figuring out my transness, but was also a fucked up ongoing situation that involves several other people's dirty laundry that I don't necessarily want to air. I can talk a bit more about this in DMs if I know you and trust you, I guess. Sorry OP. So uuuhhh... Let's just say that I was extremely miserable and living mostly alone, so in the Fall of 2020, I ordered my first skirt to try and alleviate that background misery. I called myself a femboy as a last ditch effort to “just be a feminine man”. It was a key part of figuring myself out, though, and I loved the online community I made that way. About a year afterwards, I was having a shit time, and started the CatboyBiologist account on reddit to distract myself from it. I worked more and more from home, and would dress up as a "femboy" as I did.

I graduated from my MS in 2022 in a miserable state, probably worse than I was even as a teen. But it made me realize three things: one, some kind of mental illness made it really easy for my life to derail, two, my dysphoria made it such that *when* my life derailed, I had nothing to be happy about, and three, my weird standards growing up gave me the subconscious sense that I HAVE to be miserable, otherwise I'm not "accomplished" or whatever.

That's kind of the theme of my queer experience. I always knew it was there, but I excused it as "stupid" or just ignored it because I thought everyone was supposed to be miserable by default.

When I entered my PhD, I made a promise to myself to get rid of my weird connection to misery, and actually work on the first two. I joined a grad student queer group and started therapy almost immediately. At first the focus of therapy was essentially immediate trauma support. Slowly, however, I was able to tackle the underlying issues in therapy. I also brought my "femboy" fits to events organized by that queer org, and social events with the friends I made there. I fully engaged in my bisexuality and had a hot girl summer last year, dating men, women, and enbies for the first time since my undergrad GF.

Oh, and btw. Being a feminine man gets you laid. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. Take notes, alpha males, and put on the fucking dress.

With that support, I finally started HRT in August of last year, at the age of 25. I'm still a mix of boymode and girlmode- I girlmode around queer friends, and boymode most of the time otherwise. I've also told several people that I'm transitioning, but just to treat me as a man for now and wait for me to come out more publicly. My plan is to take a hiatus from my PhD this summer, and use that to travel and socially transition. So that's my upcoming landmark experience.

Up until this past month or so, I was the happiest I've ever been. Some out of the blue bad things happened this January. But I realized something- for the first time ever, bad shit happened in my life, and I didn't derail. I was sad. I cried. I was frustrated. I yelled. I had dynamic emotions and handled it. That's never happened before.

Obviously it's always an ongoing process, and it's linked to so many details of my life that it's really hard to say things about “just my queer experience” but uh yeah. Idk if anyone read all that and I'm taking multiple passes to trim out details that got too personal, but fuckit I'm already extremely doxxable at this point.

#cw self harm #cw suicide #trans #transgender #bisexuality #bisexual

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lainalit · 2 months

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hey, about your sjm's abelism against lucien, i'd just like to say i 100% agree!! i'd like to point at other abelist things in sjm's writing and i apologize in advance bc this might be long.

as a disabled person, yeah sjm is pretty fuckin abelist, unintentional or not. tower of dawn's disability storyline starts out as ehh to downright awful as it employs the abelist fantasy trope of *~magical healing*~. although chaol comes to accept disability and others who are disabled by the end (which is good!), he gets fully healed :/ also yrene's treatment of him in the beginning was atrocious. telling him to stand up even though he couldn't?? it read like an abusive medical care worker

on acotar-related things, i disliked how feyre's father is depicted as useless until his death, where he "finally does something" buuut it ends with him dying. if someone is ill enough that they cannot do anything, calling them useless and then killing them when they save the day gives me the ICK.

finally, the way nesta's mental health was handled was abelist (same could be said with feyre and tamlin in their own ways) sjm cannot depict PTSD/trauma consistently or, hell, equally between her characters. her knowledge of this disorder seems so misinformed, either that or she purposefully cherry picked qualities, which is an awful way to portray any disorder. nesta's """healing""" in acosf was absolutely miserable. sorry not sorry but i don't think getting dicked down, chocolate, and meditation will help anyone get better from literal Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!! it's giving a middle aged white woman telling my disabled ass "have you tried yoga?"

anyway, sorry about my rant 😭 as someone who liked sjm as teen during early tog and acotar book 1, i am. very bitter sometimes.

Hi,

It is definitely good to get a perspective from someone who has a disability rather than from someone like me who is ablebodied and only has family members who are disabled, so my perspective is limited in that regard, so thanks for your views on the matter.

I hadn't read ToG yet, so I can't judge if it's ableist or not, but if it's true, like you said with the whole magic healing, then that's pretty bad, especially if she has no knowledge or even personal relations with topics like paralysis. The thing is magic healing in itself; I don't hate so much. It makes sense in a fantasy setting to maybe have advanced healing abilities, but to outright make a character who is disabled to completely heal and have no side effects or struggles later on is such bullshit, and this trope should die out as it is right now.

The problem with Papa Archeron I have is that he is a nonexistent character till the end. I don't know why sarah even bothered to write him in the story; he hasn't even gotten a name.

Also, his health problems are so vaguely described that I often forgot that he had any, and the fact that he is a deadbeat makes it even more atrocious that she portrays a man with physical and mental health problems as such an unlikeable throwaway character.

Don't get me started on Nesta. I hated every second of Acosf; everybody was constantly dogpilling on her, and for what?

Did she have problems and made mistakes? absolutly, but why is the inner circle (besides elain and feyre) in nestas business? Like, nobody besides her sisters truly cared for her and wanted her to get better; they just wanted her powers and making her amiable so she could sit with them on their stupid dinner table and fondle rhysass ballsack.

The fact that they know to some extent that mental health problems existed in the night court since we got the library with the sa survivors, but the ic couldn't fathom to maybe just ask some healer what the best course of action for nesta is since she obviously struggles, is so baffling to me.

But since SJM thinks hiking/ training= therapy, I'm not surprised by anything anymore.

Don't worry, rants here are always welcome💙

#somebody sent sjm a book about why disabled characters don't need to get “fixed”#everybody need therapy in her books but the only think there get is more trauma and training montages #anti sjm #acotar critical #anti acotar #sjm critical #anti rhysand #anti ic #anti inner circle #pro nesta

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babischlong-six · 2 years

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10 Characters, 10 Fandoms, 10 Tags

10 Characters you love or 10 Characters you want to stab in the eye

Tagged by lovely @gosiksmallspace ❤️

In no particular order, here are ten of my many, many favorites. (See if you can detect a pattern 😂)

1. Luo Fei – Detective L

He's a gentleman, he's a bitch, he's kindhearted, he causes problems on purpose, he respects women, he's a genius, but he's not an arrogant prick, as is the current wont of writers writing smart people. Luo Fei is unselfconsciously weird, ridiculously cute, and has the best sense of humor. Not to mention drop-dead gorgeous and played by Bai Yu. Luo Fei stole my heart from the moment he showed up on screen. Also he gives very bisexual energy.

2. Lan Qiren – Mo Dao Zu Shi

A pissy, honorable, rigidly uptight old man who spends his entire life picking up the slack of his ridiculously messy family. As you may come to find after reading through this list, I am partial to the characters archetype known as a "DILF." He's not even a main character, I'm just viscerally into him.

3. Han Jaeho – The Merciless

He's a terrible person, but GOD, he's irresistibly charming. Han Jaeho does the absolute worst things, but he still manages to inspire sympathy. Is it the magnetic personality? That weird cackle? The way he looks in a suit, covered in blood? The screwed-up, homoerotic relationship he has with the protagonist? We may never know.

4. Elim Garak – Star Trek: Deep Space 9

I can't even express how much this character is beloved by me. He's a fussy middle-aged tailor. He's a terrifying super-spy in exile from a fascist alien superpower. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He's completely devoted to what he believes is his duty. His first appearance onscreen, he makes a blatant come-on at a young man. I love him.

5. Lin Nansheng – The Rebel

The character development on this guy is just *chef's kiss*. He's honorable, but he's a spy. He's idealistic and self-sacrificing, but he's also way too devoted to the "cause," capable of but not wanting to to endanger and sacrifice those closest to him. He is absolutely miserable and incredibly hot – especially later on in the series when he comes into his own.

6. Wu Xie – Tomb of the Sea

Wu Xie specifically as played by Qin Hao has a special place in my heart. He's a bastard in the same way that a cat pushing things off a table is. He's middle-aged and tired. He has intense chemistry with literally anyone he's on screen with. Morally ambiguous with ultimately noble goals, which is so sexy.

7. Tatsu – Way of the Househusband

I fucking love that manga. A former gangster turned househusband approaches the everyday struggles and triumphs of domestic life from a very unique perspective. Also, he can get it.

8. John Watson – The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

I grew up on this serial, absolutely fuckin love it. Vitaly Solomin's Watson is great – a perfect balance of spirit and enthusiasm, whole being a companion rather than a sidekick to Holmes (like in so many other adaptations). At this point with how I've grown up watching this serial and keep revisiting it, he and Livanov's Holmes feel kinda like my uncles.

9. Milady – The Three Musketeers

My very first literary/movie crush. She's such a cool, compelling villain, and a really interesting character. I was entranced by her as a kid (and confused about why 😂) and I still am. Again, the Soviet Three Musketeers serial version of her is paramount in my heart because it's what I grew up with.

10. Xiao Long Nü – Return of the Condor Heroes

Another early crush. She kicks ass, she's gorgeous, and she's got an outwardly cold personality. Again, young me didn't stand a chance.

Anyways, that's all folks. Tagging @the-marron ❤️ no pressure tho

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tarabyte3 · 1 year

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There's no new chapter for "I Want You to Show Me Weak" today since it's Christmas, so I thought I would do a fun Holiday post about what I think my Table 7 characters look like!

Just remember, these are NOT one for one. It's simply the closest I can get to what's in my brain (thankfully for you, none of you can read my thoughts). If you picture something else, that's amazing! And also valid. Keep enjoying the fic exactly as you are ❤️

One of the first things I did when I started thinking about writing Show Me Weak was decide I wanted a more fleshed out table full of real people, and not some nebulous existing background characters like I had for Wants, Needs, and Clerical Errors. Which worked great for that fic! Because a lot of it was more nebulous and focused on what was going on inside of the Reader character's head. The focus was supposed to be Kino (as a treat for all of us). I wanted Show Me Weak to feel more grounded in the prison environment.

So I made 6 male original characters! I found names on the Star Wars section of the Fantasy Name Generators site that stood out to me. Then I focused on each name and thought, "what kind of character would have that name?" And wrote physical descriptions for all of them, and thought up the most basic structure of their personalities. Threl is the warm, diplomatic face, Jevid is the grumpy old man, Taybus is the little shit younger brother, Sorrek is the troubled, middle aged dad, Alis is the fun, quick guy that is the most relatable to the Reader because he's right next to her and about the same age, and Edii I wanted to be as enigmatic as possible for a reason I will explain down below.

As I started writing table dialogue, especially in the bigger group settings, those little foundations I built came alive onto my screen. Sometimes without more than a second of thought. Which was a complete shock to me. I never intended for any of them to go to the depths that they are now. So I quickly became incredibly emotionally invested in these characters that started as half paragraph entries in my notes. Now I can't imagine the story without them.

The fact that people seem to genuinely like the table as much as the focus of the story, Kino/Reader (and let's be honest, the smut), has blown me away. I'm glad other people have grown as attached to them as I have.

Without further ado, my boyyys

Threl

He reminds me of Mike Colter, just less built and with a deeper voice. But he was always handsome, warm, and confident in my mind. Mike's humor during Luke Cage and The Defenders is a great example of that as well.

Alis

Young Theo Rossi is the closest I can think of, just with a scar on his left side and a rounder face. The scar is a detail I wanted to include, even though it has literally never come up again. Because the Reader noticed it right away of course, realized quickly he's comfortable with his appearance, it doesn't bother her at all either, and that's that. So she doesn't think about it when she thinks about him or looks at him. It's just Alis's face and everything is from her perspective. It was intended to demonstrate how comfortable she is with him. Otherwise Alis has a lithe build and lots of dexterity. (I also pronounce it Uh-lease in my mind)

Sorrek

Sad dad might be the most disappointed you'll be reading this list. I actually based Sorrek off of an NPC in an Actual Play D&D show by Dimension 20 called Fantasy High. One of the player characters' dad is this down on his luck, miserable elf named Gilear Faeth. In the campaign, he's cartoonishly pathetic, but I wanted a serious version of him. A soft spoken, gentle dad that is haunted by something, but still looks like he gives great hugs and can't help being nurturing.

Jevid

Jevid is basically an old biker. That's it. That's the concept. He's the character we know the least about, and I don't know if that will change, but the idea is he just no longer gives a fuck. He cares about them in his own way, but he doesn't get roped into the table shenanigans or gossip as frequently as a result. He's been in there too long and is just a grumpy old man 😂

Taybus

Adam Driver with a longer more bob-like cut that hangs in his face and a mustache that you would see in a highschool hallway. The "I can grow facial hair, but just a small mustache" starter for a lot of 15 year old boys (my husband was sadly one of them 😂 I can't look at some highschool pictures of him without screaming and running away). I didn't realize how much I was kind of picturing young Adam Driver in my head until Reader suggests he tie his hair back.

And finally

Edii

Freddy Carter as Kaz Brekker in Shadow and Bone, but paler with dark eyes. (I haven't seen the show, but love the Six of Crows duology, excellent books.) Edii also has what is essentially a very heavy Slavic accent that I based on someone I went to college with. A guy that people called "weird" because he had a unique look and wasn't comfortable talking since he wasn't very fluent in English, so he kept to himself. But in one of my very small classes, he really opened up as the rest of us talked to him and tried to engage him, and he was so funny! Then we all quickly realized how horrible it was that people ignored him when he was just a guy, you know? So we all got lunch or coffee on occasion and chatted after class. He had a much easier time in college and away from home after that 🥺. That is my Edii. A sweet, misunderstood cinnamon bun. (I pronounce it Ee-dee when I read it)

So there you go! Table 4 in (the closest I can find to) all of their glory lol.

#i want you to show me weak fic #just for fun

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wild-at-mind · 2 years

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Random thought I had but I kind of do sympathise with people who find adult novels offputting and hard to choose, and say this when they talk about preferring to read YA. ‘Adult books are just full of divorces and sad men’ or whatever they say. I remember feeling exactly that way when I was late teens early 20s, and I get that it only takes one bad novel to really put you off. Mine was A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon, I chose it because he also wrote Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime (bit of a red flag to me now as I’ve reevaluated that book very much, but at the time it was still considered accurate and fairly groundbreaking). An early event in A Spot of Bother is a middle aged man who sees an odd mole on his back and thinks he has skin cancer, hence the title. Instead of having it looked at medically he becomes convinced he is going to die and spirals mentally. I’ve always had a lot of health anxiety, and in my late teens I lacked the perspective to realise that we are supposed to think his reaction of counting himself dead immediately before he even knows if it’s cancerous is very over the top and suggests underlying mental health problems, and his decision to not go to the doctor is very unwise. (FYI it’s set in the UK so no medical bills.) So that was a bad start, it had me all like ‘oh no I hope I never get a skin mole or it will be an instant death sentence!’ Another thing was it was just a very gross book (as was Curious Incident actually)- someone’s kid has diarrhea and you will hear all about it descriptively, gross health stuff is described relating to the main character and his fears, etc. If there is something gross we will hear about it, to the point of gratuity. There is also just a general depressing, hopeless feel to Haddon’s novels, which I found utterly miserable. I didn’t have much to compare this book to at the time so I just assumed all adult novels were like that and it really put me off them for a while. Key thing is: all adult novels are not like that, this is actually a stylistic choice on the part of Mark Haddon, and it turns out that I just don’t like that particular style. I eventually learned that novels for adults can be beautiful, compelling, sensitive, thought provoking, impactful, basically anything there is. I think choosing novels for yourself is hard when you start out so I would recommend one of the many novel rec lists on tumblr or around the web, there is no shortage of guidance to find a book you will love. I’m very lucky to have a sister who reads everything and gives me books she thinks I will love for my birthday, she hasn’t been wrong yet and has given me some of my favourite books like this. (Who knew that instead of reading about skin lesions and shit I could have been reading about the most delicious pork dish ever with Banana Yoshimoto?) But not everyone is lucky and has someone close to hand who is great at recs. Luckily there are people online who will happily help you. Happy reading and hope you find something wonderful!

#reading #novels #bookblr

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thetasteofbailey365 · 2 years

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8/16/22:

Marriage was never at the top of my priority list;

Love is cool and all and I’m thankful whenever it comes around but it’s not a necessity.

I can be delusional one day, want the fairytale that ends happily ever after then snap back into reality.

I remember being young, planning my wedding, what kind of man I wanted to marry and how many kids— etc.. but as I grew older that delusion became more and more into a fictional story I kept editing, replacing, alt, delete—

My heart is not built for this generation and it took a lot of experimenting to acknowledge that.

I could be immature, walk around acting “tough” and “heartless”, however, that’s not my character anymore.

I have ultimately embraced the fact that my heart is fucking huge and it’s become stronger than ever.

Often times people question why, or things like “oh, isn’t she so miserable to not want a family” — all the ordinary things that people strive to go through in this life.

Being happy or whole is an inside job, it doesn’t require needing or procreating someone else—

If you feel like you’re missing something or incomplete you need to search within yourself, there’s something there you still need to heal.

That’s why when people get into relationships, or marriages, they still feel the urge to talk to other people, simply trying to fill a void from the outside.

Everything you need in order to feel whole is deep within you, finding someone to love is plus but never a requirement.

I have witnessed people meeting their person at a very young age and continue to keep the flame lit after many years, if you find your person, that’s beautiful, if you don’t that’s beautiful too whatever keeps you content.

Being the product of toxic and broken love really makes you take this perspective under heavy consideration..

and getting older, actually going through the motions and experiencing it first-hand makes you analyze what’s real and what’s not.

Since day one, I will always mention how it’s literally one of my biggest nightmares to wake up in the middle of the night next to someone who did not love me.

It is better to be alone than to settle for mediocre love;

Unconditional love is a super power — it’s raw and it’s rare.

I used to think it was a fucked up way to go through life with my mindset

but If you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you’d understand why I am the way that I am.

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gravity-barbie · 2 years

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Being the sibling closest to each of the Hargreeves HCs Pt 2

(Separate)

Part one

Set season one

Masterlist

Five Hargreeves

-You were the only person Five really collaborated with or came to to bounce ideas off of

-He was basically your tutor whenever you struggled with anything, keeping you not just from falling behind but a step above your other siblings

-He was a bit of a showoff and you played into that by hyping him up

-You’re desperate to find him when he disappears and after you eventually quit the academy you turn looking for him into your full-time job

-Though you don’t want to believe it you suspect he got stuck in the future and devote yourself to learning about time travel

-When you finally see him again it’s practically the biggest moment of your life but on his end he just looks at you a moment longer than the others and then gets down to business

-Obviously you do everything you can to help him prevent the apocalypse but you also try to calm him down a bit, after all you can relate to having an obsession after spending 17 years looking for him

-He’s surprisingly reluctant to involve you though, not wanting you in danger

-It’s really hard on both of you to finally be reunited as two completely different people but there’s a mutual trust and understanding that keeps you bonded

-After a lot of nudging you finally get him to open up to you and share his feelings over everything that happened, allowing just a moment of your comfort before getting back on track

Ben Hargreeves

-Ben was always very sweet to you and single-handedly made growing up in the umbrella academy bearable

-You didn’t let Reginald turn you against each other and helped each other where you could with studies and controlling your powers

-You two would comfort each other when times got tough, especially after missions

-You never recover from the trauma his death caused

-You hate Reginald more than anyone and leave the academy soon after Bens funeral despite your young age

-Your other siblings take special care to look out for you, knowing how hard you were hit by grief

-You resent Klaus to no end because he’s a terrible middle-man but you still spend as much time as possible with him because its the closest you can be to Ben

-It’s just as hard for Ben, seeing how miserable you are and wanting nothing more than to talk to you, sometimes he does even though he knows Klaus is the only one who can hear him

-You feel like you won the lottery when Klaus tells you he wants to get sober and you do everything you can to help him

-And in return Klaus finally in all seriousness translates Ben for you, allowing you the first conversation you’ve had with your brother in 14 years

Viktor Hargreeves

-It’s an extremely hard friendship to maintain since Reginald kept Viktor at arms-length from everyone

-You two get in a lot of trouble for talking to each other when Reginalds back is turned

-Your bedrooms and seats at the table are moved to be as far away from each other as possible

-You still find ways to communicate with non-verbal signals and secret notes

-Viktor’s worried sick every time you go on a mission

-You both quit the academy at 18, taking off together, relieved to finally be able to express your friendship

-You help Viktor get started in his career, being the more assertive one by default you’re able to find him job opportunities and convince him to go for them

-Unfortunately after a few years Viktor wants to settle down and you want to explore the world, drifting apart and keeping in touch less and less

-You don’t see each other face-to-face again until Reginalds funeral and your relationship is now a bit strained and awkward

-At first you’re happy to hear about Leonard but Allison convinces you to dig into him with her, prompting yours and Viktor’s first fight

-You have a full-fledged battle with Luther trying to free Viktor but ultimately all your efforts are futile, not from Viktor’s perspective though

#the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy imagine #the umbrella academy preferences #tua x reader #tua x you #viktor hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves x reader #ben hargreeves x reader #luther hargreeves x reader #diego hargreeves x reader #allison hargreeves x reader #klaus hargreeves x reader

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milazka · 3 years

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pull yourself together | 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭.

the less i know the better masterlist

main masterlist

summary: i really don’t know how to summarize this, if anyone has suggestions, leave them in the comments please!

warnings: swearing, smoking.

last thought: it’s a short one, i always hate writing the first chapter/one shot of a story. also, i won’t follow the exact timeline of ginny and georgia, i will use some events but it will be focused on charlie and marcus. btw, i made them seventeen cause i don’t want to write smut for fifteen years old kids. hope you’ll still enjoy! love, milz.

─── ° • ❀ ───

Nights are peaceful.

Some will say it’s the most dangerous time to be outside, especially for a girl. Some others may be afraid of the dark or convinced that only bad things happen during those unlighted hours. For Charlie and Marcus, night equals freedom. Everything seems to be in slow motion, trapped in the silence of darkness. It creates a safe space where they can live fully, without boundaries.

Her age-old well-worn black converses stride on the slightly damp pavement, kicking the tiny rocks along the yellow stripe in the middle of the road. The cloud-covered nocturnal sky captivates her attention. Her cerulean eyes linger on every detail of the damp air masses, paying no particular care to her surroundings, knowing the path to her final destination by heart. Some clouds remind her of animals, while others are more in the shape of objects.The habitual barking of Jack, Marcus' neighbor's dog, indicates that she's a house away from her best friend's home.

Charlie turns into the hallway, sneaking through the opening in the fence that leads to the backyard of the Baker's house. Kurt Cobain's exhilarating voice is cut short when her earphones cord gets stuck in the fence, yanking them from her ears. She tucks them into the front pocket of her forest green jacket, turning off Smell like Teen Spirit’s melody.

Leaning against the old wooden door frame, arms crossed over her chest, she quietly contemplates the eighteen-year-old man laying on a small rolling piece of wood, his head buried under the old motorcycle engine.

“Howdy, blondie,” her best friend’s deep, raspy voice shouts from under the bike. A soft smile slips on her rosy lips; he knew it was her, no one else would come here to meet him in the middle of the night. She tilts her head to the side, watching him grab the screwdriver with his right hand, a perfectly rolled joint between his plump lips.

“Hey John Bender,” she can see him smirk at the nickname which is a reference to the first time they met, five years ago. “How was your day?”

“Miserable, darling, as usual, perfectly wretched,” he rolls forward, revealing his oil-stained face. Her sapphire eyes roll; Marcus always provides the same exact response whenever she asks him about his day. She shouldn't even ask him anymore, she thought.

“Still working on this bike? I thought your mom told ya to get rid of it,” she gracefully steps over his outstretched legs, stealing his blunt with the tip of her thumb and forefinger.

“She did,” he says, a faint smile teasing the corner of his lips. “That’s why I’m working on it at night,” his tall sculpted figure stands in front of her, eyes to eyes with her since she sits on the stainless steel countertop.

“Ellen will kill you,” she blows a cloud of tarnished air on his face, grinning at the sight of his scrunching nose and half-closed eyelids.

“Oh I know,” his crinkled eyes give him an innocent look as he inhales the poisonous smoke exiting the blonde's parted lips. “That’s why she can’t know, capiche?”

“I guess that would probably be a good time to tell you that your parents bedroom light is on,” his hand immediately flicks the light switch, plunging the whole space into complete darkness with the exception of the bright light emanating from the master bedroom window. They both fall into silence, him watching carefully through the window while she leans her back against the wall, mesmerized by how his eyes sparkle in the reflection of light. She has always loved his light-brown eyes and how she is able to read him through them.

“Shit, she’s in the kitchen” he curses, seizing her delicate hands in his calloused ones, yanking her from the countertop that was in sight of the sink window. The blunt still between her soft lips, he pins her against the corner of the wall, hiding the both of them out of sight of his dear beloved mother. From her perspective, she can see his jugular vein pumping quicker than normal, pushing an increased flow of blood through his body. His hands are slightly clammy and coated with motor oil. Her fingertips gently graze the scar along his right hand that he got when he attempted to climb up the gutter to get to her room last summer. As far back as she can remember, Marcus had always been the taller of the pair, and he never failed to remind Charlie when she had trouble climbing the fence of the public pool in the middle of the night or when she was struggling to climb up to his bedroom window.

Their noses graze as he leans his head towards hers, grasping the joint between his teeth. He let go of her hand, taking the forbidden thing between his dirt-covered fingers. The warmth smoke tickles the top of her skull before she lifts her chin up to meet his hazel orbs.

“If this was a romantic comedy, we would’ve kissed by now.”

His furrowed eyebrows show his surprise and it doesn't take long for a smile to appear at the corner of his luscious lips. His thin, long-fingered hands are pressed against the wall on both sides of her head, his face close to hers to the point where their breaths merge.

“Should I correct that?” marcus whispers, his lips curled into his well-known cocky grin that she is so used to seeing.

“It was an observation, not a request, idiot!”

“Your loss, darling,” he winks as she pushes him away, her two hands resting on his chest covered with a Pink Floyd shirt. She then stands on tiptoes, her mouth a few inches away from his ear.

“Pull yourself together, Marc’,” a shiver runs down his spine as her warm breath brushes against the skin of his neck. “I know you’re the one dreaming about it.”

Oh if she knew.

second.

─── ° • ❀ ───

taglist; @cognacdelights @sarapixieelliott08

send me an ask or comment on this post to be added to the taglist!

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uhyeahmaybenoidk · 2 years

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Part 2&3 of ‘I’ve connected the two dots’ the Gilded Age edition

I don’t like the intro. Way too much is happening out there for my taste.

Butlers are the only sane people in this show.

One of these days ladies will gang up on Marian. She is walking on thin ice.

The tea party was pure comedy. Nobody is subtle and Agnes is one step from murder.

Marian: I wish I understood what brings you to New York. Me: Girl, are you blind?

I love the ‘we like riling Agnes up’ club.

Listen I have nothing against Marian but please spice her up a bit. I have like no interest in her as separate character apart from potential love triangle. So far she looks to be a Mary Sue dressed in historical clothes. Honestly, Julian, you can do better.

On the other hand, I’m really intrigued by Peggy. Her past is a total mystery. Frankly speaking I know nothing about America of that period so I cannot tie whatever happened to her to any real life events that would explain why she needs a lawyer. That is why my totally wild and uneducated guess is that she married someone in Pennsylvania against her father’s will and now she’s like ‘oh shit that was a mistake but I won’t admit it to him’. Yep that’s a cliché and dumb theory. I know.

Mrs. Chamberlain is another intriguing character. She is married or she was married. Oh I have a theory! She is a widow who married a very rich but old man who died soon and after his death she got herself a toy boy or whatever they called it in 19th century. That does sound scandalous enough to make Anges’ blood boil, doesn’t it?

I have a question about the dress worn by Carrie Astor in the last scene: what the heck? Did she lose a bet and has to wear this atrocity for a week?

I kind of respect Mrs. Astor. Is she a snob? Yeah. Is she a clever snob though? Hell yeah.

Raise your hand if you don’t trust Tom Raikes. *raises hand*

I mean… yeah I get it sex before marriage is a taboo so if you want to get some, you need to put a ring on it and blah blah blah but dude seems to be too hasty with proposal even for a horny teenager, let alone grownup gentleman.

Agnes is right about him, isn’t she? I bet he is an opportunist indeed. However, what can a middle class lawyer get from this marriage? Money? Nah, Marian is penniless and he knows it. Social status? Eh it isn’t of much use for him.

Unless she isn’t penniless after all. Remember they were talking about shares in railroad companies or something like that which he claims are worthless? What if they are actually worth a freaking fortune?!

Will it have something to do with the station George Russell is about to build? Maybe. IDK. It sounds reasonable now but we’ll see.

I still want to giggle every time George Russell is mentioned.

That freaking maid… She is too clever to seduce George just for the sake of seducing him.

Is she planning to become his mistress? Bitch please. Bertha will twist her neck.

Is she planning to blackmail him? Bitch please. George will twist her neck.

Someone wake Larry up.

Dude, remember that blond neighbour you were flirting with? Yeah it’s time to act. Now!

Give Gladys a sock and set her free.

I seriously try to look at it from 19th century perspective but boy oh boy.

Option #1: Oscar van Rhijn. Is he the worst thing that can happen to a young lady? *remembers what was said about late Mr. van Rhijn* Probably not.

Option #2: whatever her mother planned for her. That one sounds like Gladys is about to be shipped to England and search for a husband with a title. It worked for Cora from DA but a long time ago I’ve read about those American heiress who ended up totally miserable as a result of it so that sounds scary…

Option #3: the boy she mentioned. Archie? I cannot remember the name. Anyway, as Agnes van Rhijn said: ‘sounds dull enough to be respectable.’

I feel for John Adams who lies there imagining quiet life with Oscar and their three corgis while Oscar goes on and on about money and how wonderful Gladys is.

Marian gets on my nerves. Seriously, I get it: she’s strong, fearless, modern woman and all that stuff. But it’s 19th century higher society for Pete’s sake and Marian acts like a time traveler from 21st century. She seems to have no control over her mouth and just says the first thing that comes to her head. In the company of the family it might be sassy and endearing but with strangers she sounds really dumb.

Like how many times can she ask why they don’t include Mrs. Russell? Does she expect that if she asks it a hundred times, they’ll get tired and give up? I really struggle to understand this character.

On paper her lines are clever, in action though… She ain’t one and only dowager countess of Grantham. Sorry not sorry. She’s just too young and her position in society isn’t high enough for her to speak her mind so freely in public.

Ada still creeps me out at times but I felt really sorry for her.

However, it’s one more proof that Agnes sees right though people.

Peggy doesn’t deserve this shit. Period.

I should have seen it coming, right? Yet I didn’t. I was so happy for her and ugh. I hope when she becomes a famous novelist, she’ll write in one of her books something like ‘Dear assholes from The Christian Advocate, screw you!’

‘Do you think we should kneel?’ line aged well.

I naturally disliked Patrick and Anne Morris. They deserved punishment for their actions but daaaamn not like that. I didn’t expect this show to go so far.

How many brain cells does Anne have? Zero?

Somehow Aurora Fane pisses me off even more than Anne.

The boy toy theory… yep I was an idiot.

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mostlymovieswithmax · 3 years

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Movies I watched in July

Once again I’m doing my monthly round-up of movies I’ve watched. This was a good month for the cinema getting back on track and seeing new releases including the new M. Night movie, Old and James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad. Pretty sure Marvel put out a new movie also. I’m hoping that this list can help in guiding a decision about what to watch (or what to avoid) and introduce people to movies they may otherwise not have heard of or bothered to see. These short reviews are my own subjective opinions on each individual movie and maybe a more informal approach to movie criticism can help include others who are just passing through. Here is every film I watched from the 1st to the 31st of July.

Bridesmaids (2011) - 4/10

Off to a good start. I won’t say Bridesmaids is a terrible movie but I don’t think I’m exactly the target audience. As far as I know, this is a beloved comedy but I just can’t get on board with all the boring, juvenile humour; with Maya Rudolph shitting in the street, with Rose Byrne and Kristen Wiig trying to one-up each other at a toast that went on forever, with Melissa McCarthy shitting in a sink… the conflict is so done to death and makes the movie feel unspecial. I do understand the appeal of the film, especially for women in that before this movie the likelihood of seeing something like this, where women play up the more crass and gross side of comedy, was probably few and far between. But the story is very tired and while I did appreciate some moments, namely a couple of decent jokes and some of the more intimate scenes, for the most part it felt like they wanted to corner a more quiet type of line delivery in a way that was supposed to be understated but very funny so as to not rely on over the top body language or musical cues, and it ended up being super dull.

Spectre (2015) - 7/10

As far as I can tell, a lot of people don’t like this instalment of the James Bond franchise… but I really enjoyed it! I’ve really taken a shine to these Daniel Craig-era Bond movies and while I can’t say any of them are the most amazing thing, I have a lot of fun with them. The biggest problem I have with Spectre is the villain being utterly pointless and uninteresting in basically every way. The idea of every villain Bond has fought before being tied to this one organisation controlled by this one guy is ridiculous, and what makes it worse is that the villain is barely in it! There’s so much that doesn’t come together in this but as it goes, I still had a really good time. Daniel Craig holds the whole thing together; he is excellent as 007 and the main reason I’m up for each of these movies is because of him. Sam Mendes directs again after the previous instalment and for what it’s worth I do think he does a good job with some of the action set pieces and the locations. I’m so ready for No Time To Die.

Shazam (2019) - 7/10

Shazam is a genuinely fun superhero movie that doesn’t take itself seriously at all. I was having a great time throughout and while it could conform to some of the same tropes we’re used to with these kinds of movies, it still remained playful and used the character of Shazam to his fullest potential in a way that showed an understanding of just how silly the idea of a kid who can turn into an adult and shoot lightning out of his hands is.

High School Musical (2006) - 6/10

So as you may or may not know, I co-host a podcast: The Sunday Movie Marathon. It’s a film podcast and every week I get together with my other co-hosts and watch movies. For episode 38, we watched the High School Musical trilogy. This first movie blew me away. I was really surprised with just how much fun I had, and if you want to hear more of my thoughts on the film, please listen to episode 38 of the podcast.

High School Musical 2 (2007) - 4/10

We then jumped into the second and while it’s certainly not as good as its predecessor, there are still some brilliant songs that manage to top the last movie. Again, more of what I have to say can be heard on episode 38 of the podcast.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year (2008) - 3/10

Senior Year was pretty hard to get through. I don’t remember it being as bad as it was, but then I didn’t really remember it anyway. It did however have one redeeming quality, which you can discover on episode 38 of the podcast.

The Piano Teacher (2001) - 9/10

What the fuuuckkkk. The Piano Teacher is horrendously affecting and I was so upset when it ended, maybe not because it’s not what I wanted but because it’s just so fucking dour and unrelenting. This is the second Haneke movie I’ve seen (after the original Funny Games) and I’m so impressed with how well executed it is. Following a woman who teaches piano, we get a glimpse into the life she lives, how sheltered she is from living with her mother at an age where you’d reasonably expect a person to be living alone or with a partner or friends (even going so far as to be sleeping in the same bed as her), and how repressed she is sexually. It’s clear she’s never experienced any kind of sexual interaction or romantic love with another person, so she goes out of her way to take control and make that happen. The upsetting nature of it comes from just what she does in pursuit of it or as a result of her repression, and what is done to her. It is by no means a movie to recommend to your parents but The Piano Teacher offers so much in terms of the ideas it presents (and I’ll admit there seems to be a lot more going on than I think I picked up on a first go round) about women in modern society, and about the portrayal of sex and expectations of people when it comes to how that is represented in a person’s character depending on their gender. I really enjoyed this movie but it is not for the faint of heart.

Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure (2011) - 1/10

My podcast co-hosts decided it’d be a right laugh to add Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure to this episode and that might have been a fun idea for them because they got to watch it together, but I was just watching it alone. Just a 24-year-old man watching Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure alone and having a miserable time, I might add. But for a short and sweet ramble on what we all thought, please listen to episode 38 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

Dr. No (1962) - 6/10

A lot of very iffy parts of this movie. A lot of discomfort arising from how black people are portrayed that really didn’t sit right with me. As far as a Bond movie goes, this first instalment in the series is one I’ve seen before and it’s not wholly engaging but it plants the seeds for the rest, with Sean Connery breathing life into the role and making an otherwise lacklustre plot bearable.

Black Widow (2021) - 6/10

I think probably the best part about Black Widow is the experience I had while watching it. It was great being back in the cinema with a couple of friends in a packed theatre. The energy was high and I’m sure for a lot of people, this is the first time they’d been to the cinema since Endgame. For what it’s worth, I did have a lot of fun with Black Widow and I’ve explained more of what I thought about the movie in episode 39 of the podcast.

The Climb (2020) - 10/10

The Climb was added to Now TV recently and I already knew I loved it, having seen it in an empty cinema theatre last year, which I had an absolute blast with. The Climb details the years of a rocky friendship told over scenes filmed as one-shots. Not only is the presentation something to gawk at, but the performances by the two leads playing these friends with a terrifically dysfunctional dynamic is truly captivating. They’re both trying to figure out their own lives and where one can come across as being rather selfish, the opposite is true in his counterpart, whom everyone loves. This is a truly funny and heartwarming movie with a lot to say about how we choose to live our lives and who we choose to be with. It’s a shame the distributors of The Climb didn’t do a very good job because if not for it being available on Now TV, it would be near impossible to watch without forking out more money than is necessary to purchase a film.

From Russia With Love (1963) - 5/10

The second Bond movie. I thought perhaps I’d change my mind on it with another watch, having seen it for the first time maybe a year ago. But no, it’s still largely boring and it treats women like absolute garbage. From Russia With Love is one of those movies I forget as I watch it, and I was trying very hard (in the middle of the day!) not to fall asleep.

The Good, The Bart, and The Loki (2021) - 1/10

I don't usually talk about the short films I watch but for this I'll make an exception. As we all should know, Disney owns The Simpsons now, through their acquisition of Fox, so, coupled with another of their properties, that being Marvel, they decided to make a six-minute animated film wherein Marvel’s Loki is stranded in Springfield. This felt as though it was a minute long due to the horrendously jarring pacing; it is a movie that feels adamant that it needs to exist, while trying as hard as it can to be over as soon as possible. It serves only to stare the audience directly in the face and say “look, characters from The Simpsons are dressed as Avengers”, shit out three credit scenes, then end before you’ve even processed the atrocity you just bore witness to.

Russian Ark (2002) - 8/10

For this next episode of the podcast, we watched a few Russian movies, starting with Russian Ark, a film shot completely in one take as the camera moves about a luxurious museum in a first-person perspective as this main character watches what is happening around him, seeing people moving about the place but unable to interact with them, guided only by another man who seems to be just slightly out of his own perception of reality. This is a tremendous feat in filmmaking and more can be heard about what I have to say in episode 39 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

Ivan’s Childhood (1962) - 7/10

For my own pick of Russian movies to discuss on the podcast, I chose the debut feature from one of my favourite directors, Andrei Tarkovsky. It’s amazing that while this is not his best film by far, Ivan’s Childhood is still such a stellar debut, jumping around in its timeline as it details a child’s experience in the second world war. Again, I do go into more depth in episode 39 of the podcast, so be sure to check that out.

Outlaw (2019) - 1/10

The third movie chosen for this marathon is apparently the fourth Russian LGBTQ+ movie ever made. I’m unsure of the ultimate goal of this movie but what seems to be clear is that it hates the LGBTQ+ community. This is perhaps the worst film we’ve discussed on the podcast to date, so listen to episode 39 to understand exactly why it’s such trash.

Almost Famous (2000) - 7/10

I too love heavy music and also studied journalism so it stands to reason that a movie about a teenager who makes his way onto a band tour, following them through America and interviewing them as they hang out and play shows is going to be a premise that resonates with me. This certainly did. I enjoyed Almost Famous a lot; this kid is living the dream and I was so along for the ride, seeing a lot of myself in what was being portrayed. That said, the story itself is at times a bit by the numbers and I really would’ve been more on board if the visual component was more interesting. For what it is, technically it’s fine enough but nothing in that department ever jumped out at me.

Minari (2021) - 8/10

It’s crazy that this didn’t get a theatrical run where I live in the UK. It feels as though I complain about film distribution all the time but I really don’t understand the process by which a movie gets no cinematic release and yet, months later will pop up on the front shelf of hmv, taking pride of place. But of course I got the blu-ray straight away. Minari has a lot to say about the immigrant experience, specifically in America as a family comes over from Korea and tries to start a business and make something of themselves. You get to see a lot of what you might not think twice about when you think about immigration: the hardship of coming from a place where you know everyone to somewhere rural and sparsely populated, having to make friends with locals and integrate within the community; the strain it can put on a family and on a marriage where this idea is presented about the importance of making it on your own in order to live and not just survive, while also taking into account why you’re doing it in the first place and the value you place on being part of a family that you decided to make because that was more important than money, than economy, than proving you were good enough to make it in a place that gave you very little advantage from the offset. This concept of the promised land, of the American dream is a construct. There are times when it’s not pretty, when you have no running water, or you’re in debt, or a family member is dying and it just feels like you’ve been dealt as bad a hand as you can get. But it is better to know you’re not facing all that alone.

Roma (2018) - 10/10

This was my recommendation for the podcast episode on Alfonso Cuarón movies. Roma is as beautiful as it is heart-wrenching and I would recommend listening to episode 40 of the podcast to find out more about my thoughts.

An American Werewolf In London (1981) - 8/10

In all fairness, London is enough to make anyone a little crazy at the best of times. An American Werewolf in London showcases some fantastically grotesque effects, akin to something like Carpenter’s The Thing, in showing the dead brought back to life and a horrifically gory transformation scene. Although the film is from the perspective of an American protagonist, directed also by an American, the depiction of British culture and climate is something I’ve not seen many films pull off quite so well, and I was pleasantly surprised at the more comedic tone the film has overall, which is something that works more in its favour than straight horror would.

The Party’s Just Beginning (2018) - 6/10

Karen Gillan’s directorial debut is… pretty good! There are a lot of ideas I like in this movie: a woman living life and through convenient circumstances, is confronted with death in many ways. Gillan obviously knows her homeland as well as she can, imbuing the whole thing with an intensely Scottish vibe (though maybe not in the same vein as something like Trainspotting) that makes it a bit more unique than a more run of the mill movie of this ilk, backed up in no small part by her own main performance. The plot itself is no great diversion from the kind of story I’m used to with these smaller movies and for something that’s trying to include messaging about transgender issues and suicide, it probably could have been handled better or done in a different way.

Solaris (1972) - 9/10

Another Tarkovsky joint, one I thought I’d revisit to see if there was indeed more to get out of it a second time. Well, it’s no surprise that yes, there was certainly more to get out of it. Solaris is a crazy trip of a movie and I would liken it to Kubrick’s 2001 in terms of how grand the scale of it feels. Yet this is a film that comes across as deeply personal, choosing to focus on a specific character as he goes to a space station to help those on board who are experiencing some kind of emotional crises, only to feel the effects of the planet, Solaris invading his own mind as it has the crew. To many, I can see this lengthy Russian sci-fi being a tad slow but my personal experience is one of deep engagement. Solaris pulls its viewer in a lot of different directions and it is always doing something unexpected in terms of where its narrative goes. There’s a lot to think about with the movie and thankfully it’s no chore to watch again.

Y Tu Mamá También (2001) - 9/10

Another recommendation for the podcast episode on Alfonso Cuarón movies. This is a very relaxed experience, following three young people as they go on a road trip, visit different places and have sex. Listen to episode 40 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast for more of my thoughts.

Children of Men (2006) - 10/10

My favourite Cuarón movie, one that never stops being tense as its characters are constantly moving towards the end goal. Set in a future where humans are infertile, the oldest living person is 18, and London is the last city in the world that’s still keeping it together, somewhat. This is masterclass filmmaking. Listen to episode 40 of the podcast for more insights.

Minority Report (2002) - 5/10

I’m really not the biggest fan of Spielberg… Minority Report is an interesting movie in terms of its concept of stopping crimes before they happen by way of prediction, but I just didn’t connect with the heart of it. The colouring is way too overexposed in a way that’s supposed to be eliciting a futuristic vibe but instead feels so early-2000’s in the worst way. My biggest problem with Minority Report is just how long it is, clocking in at two hours and twenty-five minutes which allows for a lot of meandering, all while never quite developing characters enough for you to care about.

Caché (2005) - 9/10

Oh god! Another Michael Haneke movie! Here we see a couple periodically sent video tapes featuring hours of footage of the outside of their house. The anxiety ratchets up and the mystery gets deeper with every minute. There’s always at least one moment in any of his films that have so far made me realise just how out of my depth I am. Caché is no exception, and I won’t spoil anything here because I think it’s better just to watch the movie and see for yourself. He is a director that wants the audience to know something and that something is never what is explicitly shown at face value; it is pressed into the fabric of the film - plainly evident, yet hidden. Caché is so stupidly clever in displaying its themes and messaging - making reference to the Siene Massacre of 1961 as well as a deeper study of colonialism - and there’s no way to change a single detail of it without risking the Jenga tower crumbling to the ground. It all works in tandem. It is passion and fury and haunting.

Coco (2017) - 7/10

Pixar had a string of around seven forgettable movies before this point so thankfully Coco emerged to show the company still had something good in them. Coco deals a lot with themes of death and legacy, remembering those who are gone in order to preserve them and while its plotting is quite basic and there are certainly moments that either drag or cannot escape the same Pixar formula, most of what the movie has to offer is a lot of fun, with creative, colourful animation and emotional beats that resonate the way they’re supposed to.

Incredibles 2 (2018) - 5/10

Oh, they almost had it! There's a lot here that could have been explored in far more interesting ways. Setting Incredibles 2 directly after the events of the first movie was not a good idea. If it had taken place five or ten years after, the characters could have been in different places in life and it would feel as though they'd actually changed and developed. But instead of trying to be a film that actually cares about its characters and the journeys they go on, a lot of the film is wrestling with the idea that Bob isn't supportive of his wife and Jack-Jack has to fight a raccoon… They have to shoehorn in a villain that in no way compares to the genius of the original. The ending of the original introduces another antagonist that gets wrapped up within this film's first ten minutes, except they don't catch him and he's never mentioned again. It's a real shame because the animation is fantastic and the acting is superb and there are great ideas sprinkled throughout. It just doesn't come together.

Toy Story 4 (2019) - 6/10

I was rather reluctant to watch Toy Story 4 because from the get-go I’m not really here for sequels being made just for the sake of it. Everyone loves Toy Story and making another one is a sure fire way to make money. This is the first time I’ve seen Toy Story 4 and for what it’s worth, I did enjoy it. The animation is immaculate and that alone feels like a huge flex from Pixar who tend to step up the game when it comes to animation in film, despite not having the best track record for films generally at this point. While it was nice to see these characters again, I found a lot of them to be side-lined (namely Buzz) in favour of a story that focuses mainly or entirely on Woody, who I just don’t like as much as in the previous movies. Generally the movie is good and decent enough but there’s no real antagonist and the plot is quite loose… it doesn’t feel as though it needed to be made from a story point of view.

Onward (2020) - 6/10

And with that I have seen every Pixar movie. And Onward is a fine one to go out on. While I don’t think it compares to the likes of earlier Pixar it’s still pretty fun. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for a medieval setting filled with bright colours and magic! Speaking of which, the animation was super and the medieval quest element is something that hooked me with the film. Again, plot-wise it does feel very familiar and I don’t know, maybe I’m past the point now of expecting Pixar to mix it up where their formula for story-telling is concerned but the movie is quite predictable. Nonetheless, while I’m not rushing back to see Onward I would hardly turn it off or refuse if someone wanted to watch it.

Old (2021) - 3/10

Oh boy! New M. Night movie dropped and my word, was it fun! For more of my thoughts on this… masterpiece (?) of a movie, please direct your attention to episode 41 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

T2 Trainspotting (2017) - 5/10

Trainspotting is perhaps one of my favourite movies and I had never bothered with the sequel, 20 years on, because the ending of that first movie is so conclusive. T2 felt more an excuse for these guys to get together again and in that, I probably would have preferred a couple of pictures on Twitter of the main cast and director, Danny Boyle having dinner or something. This is a fine movie - very arty in its presentation but meandering and dull in its story that doesn’t offer much in the way of proof that it had to exist.

Taste of Cherry (1997) - 9/10

What makes life worth living? This is a central question and theme of Taste of Cherry, and one that leaves such interpretation not only up to its central character but to the viewer as well. This film got me thinking about times in my life when I truly have had no answer to hard questions. Because it’s hard to convince people of things they are so adamantly against and harder still to rationalise what you believe if you’re not even entirely sure why you believe it in the first place. We are all of us alive and in recognising that, does that make it precious? And if indeed living is not a happy thing, why then should we fight so hard to preserve it? I felt upset as I watched this movie because I’ve been asked these kinds of questions before and it makes me feel stupid when I’m unable to answer. But the only real answer I can give is, everything. And if you can’t see the point then you’re not looking hard enough. Taste of Cherry is beautiful in its exploration of these topics and in its overall presentation, offering some of the best visuals in any movie I’ve seen - fitting for a feature with so much to say about the beauty of life - and an ending that as much pulls the rug out from under you as it does pull you out of the dark and make you realise just how lonely you’ve felt.

Bones (2001) - 2/10

Snoop Dogg is Jimmy Bones! This film is super funny but I’m not sure it’s trying to be and I really didn’t love it overall. But I do talk more in depth about it in episode 41 of the podcast.

The Duchess (2008) - 5/10

Another recommendation for the podcast. The Duchess was pretty much exactly what I thought it was going to be and there’s a lot to like about it but generally it’s a bit sparse. For more chat on the movie, listen to episode 41 of the podcast.

The Man With One Red Shoe (1985) - 1/10

This was another one for the podcast and man, was it awful. We had to watch it at 1.5x speed towards the end because it just wasn’t getting finished otherwise. To find out more, make sure to listen to episode 41 of the podcast.

The Emperor’s New Groove (2000) - 7/10

Pull the lever, Kronk! Haha! Slays me. I do quite miss this era of Disney, where the animation was hand-drawn and the stories were actually compelling and funny. The Emperor’s New Groove is vibrant, it’s got great characters and memorable moments that will forever be ingrained in the memory of culture. All in all, it’s just a solid flick that doesn’t waste time, developing the standard fall from glory type of arc but smoothly and in an entertaining way.

The Suicide Squad (2021) - 8/10

Oh, bloody hell! They actually made a good one! The Suicide Squad is not only better than the ‘Suicide Squad’ of 2016 in every way, it’s a genuinely great film! This time, James Gunn (director of Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy movies) is at the helm and it seems clear that Warner Bros. basically let him do what he wanted with the movie, as it doesn’t seem to bog itself down with the restrictions of a more family-friendly rating. The result of this is a far cleaner, colourful film with a clearer vision that takes from early Vietnam movies and uses that style to craft a superhero/villain movie that differentiates itself among the copious amount of existing films of the genre. The Suicide Squad wastes very little time, introducing fun, crazy characters we’ve not seen on the big screen before and isn’t worried about killing a whole bunch of them, with standouts being Elba’s Bloodsport, Melchior’s Ratcatcher 2, Stallone’s King Shark (expertly rendered with fantastic visual effects), and Robbie’s returning interpretation of Harley Quinn. A lot of Gunn’s trademark sense of humour is laced throughout and more often than not, it hits. The audience at the cinema were truly loving this movie and I’ll admit, I was right there with them. This mix of the gritty, gory and absurd is not something that should work as well as it does but the basic premise of the film is already so silly (and boy, do they know it) that it just works! Certainly one of the best DC movies since The Dark Knight and one I’d be more than happy to watch again. This is what the modern comic book movie should be: just balls to the wall fun!

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therealvinelle · 3 years

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I would 100 percent love a rundown of every vampire and how they would react to the option to be human again.

... every vampire..?

I guess we’re doing this.

Afton is more useless to the Volturi than ever. This changes nothing, in part because nobody notices. Afton dies of old age in a cry for attention.

Alec can have puberty?! Get tall? Have sex? Sign him the fuck up. Alec spends ten years as a human. Unfortunately it turns out he has the worst genes, so he stops at 5 feet and doesn’t grow an inch taller. He is Volterra’s short king. Even more unfortunate is the fact that the ladies still see him as a kid and would feel weird about sleeping with him, so no luck on that front either. (Somehow, Jane is both taller and gets all the hawt dewds)

Alice would not like this at all. Having a human is nice, that’s fun. Alice loves her Bella Barbie. Being a human? Oh god no.

Alistair’s whole thing is that he’s living as a hermit because he’s terrified of everyone and everything. If he became human again, he would still be a hermit, but lacking any of the survival skills or basic equipment that human hermits accrue he would quickly die out there in the wild.

Amun might just be the oldest vampire in the world, and he has been a god. Going back to being human would be too low, it would be the greatest humiliation imaginable. Hard no from Amun.

Anne was Victoria’s sister, the two girls were impoverished and Anne prostituted herself to feed them. Since she was executed by the Volturi within that same century, she would be returning to that same, horrible life. All the nopes, Anne gets her creator to turn her again.

Aro would be very practical about it, I think, and find someone to turn him back before the plague got him. Though I’m sure he’d be too curious not to try for himself the modern, global, human cuisine, so whoever was turning him has to sit by and wait while Aro drinks all the margaritas and eats all the sushi. And probably human flesh, gotta know what it tastes like from the other side

Athenodora has spent a very long time in that tower tripping on Corin’s gift. As she walks into the Volterra town square she has a full on Plato’s cave allegory epiphany, as she realizes that the tower was a fever dream and the real world is blurry and she doesn’t want to eat anybody. She comes to the conclusion that vampires aren’t real.

Bella would feel like Cinderella at the end of the ball, her beautiful gown turns back into rags and she’s an unworthy human again. Edward is overjoyed she smells delicious is fragile again and refuses to turn her back. Heartbreak ensues.

Benito invented newborn wars, he’s got a million enemies. He better become a vampire again immediately, or he’s dead.

Benjamin is the avatar, which is great. He lives in hiding because Amun has him convinced that Aro would enslave him, which is less great. Being human would not solve this.

Boris was living his best life being a fake Russian noble in the court of Versailles. Being a fake noble as a human is just not as fun, and he finds himself a vampire to get turned back.

Bree was miserable as a vampire, but her life wasn’t great to begin with. She was homeless and starving. I imagine she’d say no to humanity because she had nothing to return to, but this would be a survival move that had nothing to do with what she wanted in life.

Caius has no time for this nonsense, he turns back immediately.

Carlisle I’ve outlined in this post, but to repeat it here he is quite happy being a vampire, humanity has nothing to offer him. His ridiculously large network of friends would be put to good use once again as he tries to find someone who’ll turn him. (He has a surprisingly hard time, as no one wants to risk being the asshole who ate Carlisle Cullen. He eventually comes crawling back to a delighted Aro)

Carlisle’s creator is the lowest of the low, trash who lives in the slums, gets caught by humans, eats half a mob and then lets a newborn loose in the middle of London. This guy is a slob who does not have his life in order. Without vampirism, he starts shooting up under a bridge and dies within a few weeks. He does not get turned back into a vampire because nobody’s touching that.

Carmen would probably want a baby before turning back. The problem with trying to raise a human child as a vampire is that children bleed all the time. Eleazar Jr. scrubs his knee, Carmen goes full Cronus on her son, and Dostoyevsky is proud.

Charles... I don’t know if anybody agreed with my post on Renata, I for one think Luca is horrifying, and based on that Charles would turn back immediately because he’s not leaving Makenna on her own. Not to mention, Charles is one of the few vampires in Twilight who chose his fate.

Charlotte and Peter are living happily, thinking the Cullens are crazy for appreciating humans, so no changes there.

Chelsea might actually be a bit allured by humanity, since this way she can find out once and for all if she can form organic, normal relationships. However, she’s been a vampire for millennia, which makes it impossible for her to relate to humans. She makes no friends, and comes to believe that she is unlovable. She becomes a vampire again and, after an extended existential crisis, eventually becomes Marcus.

Corin would want to try all the human drugs. Gotta find out if weed is better than she is! Unfortunately half of Volterra is hooked on her, and she’s turned before she can find a good dealer.

Didyme would immediately suffer a brain aneurism, and die. Marcus becomes Marcus, but this is ultimately the better timeline since Aro can mourn his sister normally.

Diego’s life was pretty much over since gang members were out to get him, so he’s not returning to humanity anytime soon. Although vampirism means that now everyone he meets is a potential gang member out to get him (indeed, Victoria gets him), so maybe humanity would appear comparatively peaceful.

Demetri seems to be having a cool time being a vampire, so back into the ranks of the unholy he goes.

Edward, oh boy. I can’t imagine it, and I don’t want to.

Eleazar is a pretty self-righteous and sanctimonious fellow, I am sure he would not only choose to remain human, but talk about how noble it is that he’s staying human. He would not enjoy being human.

Emmet would be a miserable human, but to turn back would be to turn his back on Rosalie, and so he would dutifully remain, even as he grew to resent her for it. Once again I have a post.

Esme would not want humanity given the choice, but if she suddenly is human then provided Carlisle was as well, I imagine she would want to get a do-over. However, trouble is that if she wants to have a baby, then she’ll have to stick around with said baby as well. Sticking around means remaining human. Honestly, I’m not sure where that would go. Terrible places once Carlisle runs off to Italy, I’m sure.

Felix is another dude who seems pretty happy with vampirism. He sticks his hand into the first fanged mouth that he can find.

Fred is having a good time as well now that he has left Victoria’s army, no arguments here.

Garrett seems quite happy to be a vampire, although he enjoys new things enough that I think he’d want to spend a few years experiencing things from this human perspective. Alas, he’d have pictured the life human influencers and fictional humans were leading - it can’t be too far off, right? Well, real humans need jobs and housing and health insurance. One thing leads to another, and Carlisle finds himself bankrolling Garrett’s human adventures.

George is a seriously amazing guy who goes around pretending to be a demon called Astaroth and making fake demon deals with people. He’s an amazing conman, but his whole schtick depends on being a vampire, so it wouldn’t work if he were human. Vampirism it is.

Heidi apparently lived a terrible life as a human and was pity-turned into a vampire, so I don’t think she’d have any happy associations with humanity at all. She buys the first ticket back to damnation.

Hilda was a feminist bleeding heart who made suffering women invulnerable. Vampirism, to her, seems to have been salvation, with humanity a miserable state. Hard no from Hilda.

Huilen didn’t want anything to do with this supernatural horrorshow that killed her sister, and I imagine she’s one of the few who’d actually fare well as a human again, even though time has passed.

Irina drowns her Laurent-shaped sorrows in booze and men.

James would be furious with everything for letting this happen to him, and want to be turned back again.

Jane, like Alec, is overjoyed that she can have puberty again. This works out great for her. Like a middle school goth phase, she sort of pretends that whole 1200-year-stint as an actual twelve-year-old didn’t happen, going “oh, yeah... that” when it’s mentioned.

Jasper isn’t eating people anymore, praise Jesus. I think he’d actually fare quite well, he’d become a dusty professor in philosophy at some college and the violence would truly be behind him.

Joham is a monster and I imagine his children would eat him before he could get turned back. Good on them.

Kachiri is quite happy with Senna and Zafrina, she wouldn’t want that to change.

Kate loves Garrett very much, but there are all these human men she won’t have to worry about killing..?

Kebi was a slave who was chosen by Amun to be... well, his slave forever. As an unchanging vampire she’s stuck, but humanity could represent real hope for her, the only hope, really. Hard yes from Kebi.

Kristie is one of the two Victoria recruits who managed to turn the army into a high school, where you were either in the right clique or you were a square. Kristie is clearly an opportunist who’ll make the best of any situation, human or vampire.

Kumboh is a highly eccentric vampire who works in a mental hospital and gets attached to the humans there, to the point where he dies for one. This is not a man I can predict.

Laurent spent his existence in a pursuit of power without understanding what power is, and ended up stuck with the white trashiest vampires ever to white trash. Several logical leaps based on 18th century French Versailles logic later he endeavors to marry into the British royal family.

Liam is living quite happily with his wife and surrogate daughter, and even if he wasn’t then Siobhan is going to want her hubby back. And what Siobhan wants, Siobhan gets.

Luca is quite happy being the family patron who sometimes takes niece-brides (or family demon who keeps stealing their daughters), so he would want his fangs back. But, I’m sorry but I think he’d seize the opportunity to impregnate one of his descendants, because if this guy is all about preserving his family line then I can’t imagine he’d be able to resist a son.

Lucy, like Maria, would be in so much trouble. Honestly, I think Maria would eat her immediately. Easiest way to get rid of competition.

Maggie might want to grow a bit older and less emaciated before turning, but like Liam, Siobhan’s gift would see to it that the coven became whole again.

Makenna wanted vampirism once, I imagine she’d want it again. She seems quite happy with her life.

Marcus is finally able to kill himself. Happy days.

Maria would be in so much trouble. She is a human in newborn war territory, all the vampires around her have terrible control, and the ones with good enough control to turn her are enemy army leaders who want her dead. She is forced to make a phone call to Jasper and ask if he can put in a good word with Carlisle.

Mary (Carlisle’s friend), it’s been over a century and she’s still living alone. Sounds lonely, so maybe she’d be down for the change.

Mary (Hilda’s coven) is living that feminist liberation life with Hilda, and humanity would throw her right back into poverty and misery. Big nope.

Nettie would be eaten by Jasper, since Maria already ate Lucy.

Noela is a member of Hilda’s coven, meaning her life was awful. She would not want it back.

Peter is living happily ever after with Charlotte, it’s a good life. Peter does not want things to change.

Randall was turned in the 1960′s, so I’m sure he’d want some of that sweet weed again.

Raoul was a gangbanger and humanity is better off without him. So are vampires.

Renata had awful circumstances around her turning, and nothing to return to. Her human family either sold her out or were unable to protect her, my money’s on them thinking that her fate was a great honor, and either option makes them someone I imagine she has put behind her. As it is now, she has purpose with the Volturi, and no one is making her be anybody’s bride. She would not want things to change, nevermind becoming human.

Riley thinks he has found true love and glorious purpose, and would remain the way he is.

Rosalie would be delighted, but she has poured years of bitterness and crushed dreams into the dream of the perfect human life. Reality wouldn’t live up to her ideal and this time she can’t blame vampirism. I think she’d start drinking.

Santiago presumably has an alright time being a vampire, he has purpose and community with the Volturi. No changes here.

Sasha wanted a big ol’ family, turning first her niece and then women who resembled her niece enough to look like her sisters, so I imagine that, like all good Denali women, she’d seduce a sexy human male and give herself a few more daughters. Disaster would ensue if they were sons, or not blondes.

Senna is living happily with her girlfriends, let nothing disrupt that.

Siobhan’s life is great, with her gift her life will be as she wishes it to be, and she seems to truly enjoy being a vampire. It wouldn’t even be a question for her.

Stefan and Vladimir (no, they don’t get individual entries) are has-beens. Without vampirism, they would be greater has-beens than ever. This makes Aro’s century, and he makes it clear to the vampire world that no one is to turn these two back. Their lives suck and then they die.

Sulpicia is above pesky human sustenance, the mere thought is revolting. She accidentally starves herself to death.

Victoria would be at once more and less paranoid. Her gift isn’t going haywire telling her about all the danger, but she’s a human, so all is danger. I think she’d start drinking too.

Victoria’s NPC army recruits are newborns who love that sweet sweet blood, ain’t nobody turning their back on that.

Tanya would be so fucking happy, oh my god. She can bang all the dudes, and she won’t have to worry about killing them! She forgets that human women have to worry about STDs and pregnancies. Now she has chlamydia and a baby.

Tia’s big problem is that she’s stuck living with this ancient and bitchy loser who takes himself way too seriously. Vampirism on its own is great, she’s down for that.

Unnamed tracker formerly employed by the Volturi was relieved of his duties in the most “oops, you’re useless now” way possible. That hurts your self esteem. Becoming a powerless human would hurt it even more. Unnamed tracker formerly employed by the Volturi does not want this.

Vassilii would grow up, and have a host of issues because being a toddler with memories of bloodthirst and killing people is bad for child development.

Zafrina is having a great time with her girlfriends and her illusions. And it’s been a very long time since they were human, I don’t think anything remains of their culture. At least not anything they’d recognize.

Hope this answers your question, anon...

Edit: Added Carlisle’s Creator, Sasha, and Vassilii. If I’ve missed anybody else, let me know.

Edit 2: Added Bree, Diego, Frank, Kristen, Raoul, Riley, and Victoria’s NPC army recruits.

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