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averykedavra · 4 years

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Valley of the Dolls 3/10

The wonderful idea of apathy!Roman goes to @caffeinated-cryptid, an amazing artist and all-around great person. Check out their @ts-unsolved au, it owns my heart! This is mostly in line with their ideas, but I took it in a slightly different direction. These chapters are getting steadily longer and I’m sorry. You can find this fic on Ao3 here.

(Title is from Valley of the Dolls by MARINA. Chapter is based around The Record Player Song by Daisy the Great)

Pairings: platonic DLAMPR

Warnings: gun mention, blood mention, eating and food, slight NSFW jokes, depression and depressive symptoms, very minor body horror, self-deprecation, suicidal ideation, sympathetic Remus, sympathetic Janus, a ton of angst (but I’ve got a happy ending planned). Set immediately after Putting Others First.

Summary: After the disastrous video and a week of spiraling, Roman becomes a Dark Side, Apathy. At first, Remus is thrilled, dragging his brother into all sorts of trouble. But Roman’s no fun anymore, the other Sides are paying a visit downstairs, and it’s becoming clear that Thomas can’t survive without Creativity by his side.

Chapter 3: Change of Pace

First. Previous. Next. Masterlist.

Wipe my eyes and cut me off I'm just crying for attention I wish I'd been a teenage rebel Never even got detention I don't really love you I just said that for a change of pace I'm sorry, sometimes I don't recognize my face ...Sometimes I think all I'm ever doing is Trying to convince myself I'm alive.

“So.”

Jan didn’t respond. He was still staring at the door.

“So,” Remus said again, hoping something would happen this time.

“One minute, Remus.”

Remus tapped his feet together and waited. Ten seconds in, he got bored. “So?”

Jan pinched the bridge of his nose. “One. Minute. Remus.”

“It’s been like five minutes already!” Remus complained. “Are you having a mental breakdown?” Remus poked Jan’s cheek. “You seem the type to have a mental breakdown.”

Jan swatted Remus’ hand away. “I am not having a breakdown. I am considering my options.”

“Really?” Remus asked. “What are the options?”

“Forcibly dump Roman back with the ‘Light Sides’, groom him in the ways of evil and selfishness, let him waste away on his own, or burn the entire Mindscape to the ground so I don’t have to deal with this insanity.”

Remus nodded thoughtfully. “I like the last one.”

“Why am I not surprised.”

“But I think you’re forgetting the most entertaining option.” Remus spread his hands. “How about—”

Jan glared at him. “Do not say murder.”

“Ah...” Remus shifted. “Theft! Of his life and internal organs!”

Jan gritted his teeth. “Of course you want to murder Roman.”

“I don’t want to,” Remus protested. “It would just be the most entertaining. He’s more fun when he’s alive! I can stab him and cut his fingers into itty bitty pieces and—”

A vein throbbed in Jan’s forehead. “Remus, be quiet for a second.”

Remus obediently waited a second. “—but I bet we could strangle him without too much trouble, unless you want to be really kinky and get some knives involved—”

“Remus.”

“—I dunno if you’re into that sort of thing...hey, we’ve never found out if you’re poisonous to eat! This could be our chance to—"

“Remus!” Jan snapped. “This has been a very long day. Thomas is sick as a dog from the reconstruction of his entire Mindscape, I had to comfort a sobbing Patton and a panicking Virgil despite not being an empathetic or comforting person, and now I find out that Creativity has been dumped on my doorstep like an unwanted magical orphan. Please, if you have any mercy, let me think.”

Remus looked Jan over. “So...you’re having a breakdown now, right?”

“Why haven’t I killed you yet?”

“Beats me!”

Jan leaned forward and slammed his forehead into Roman’s door.

“JanJan?” Remus tapped his shoulder. “Whatcha doing?”

“Praying for spontaneous human combustion.” Jan squeezed his eyes shut. “Give it a second.”

“C’mon.” Remus lowered his volume and tried his best to sound not entirely maniacal. “Let’s say hi to Roman already! Maybe he’s slept off his weird funk. Or maybe this was all thanks to sleep deprivation or a calcium deficiency and he’ll be back to normal in no time!”

“Should we be so lucky.” Jan slowly raised his head. “I suppose I should greet him, despite him definitely not wishing to see me.”

“He doesn’t want to see anyone,” Remus confessed. “It says so on the door.”

Jan nodded and knocked twice. “Roman? Can we come in?”

There was no reply.

“Let me in,” Jan ordered. “I am not having a repeat of the past nine days, Roman. I need to speak with you.”

Remus looked at the still-locked door. “Um, JanJan? Try not to sound like you’re going to yell at him for stealing your old record player or disown him for stripping. Just a thought.”

Jan sighed. “Fine. Roman, please. I don’t want this to be the case, but...you’re here now, and I want to help. Preferably to get you out of here as fast as possible. Whatever the case, I—I look after everyone down here. That’s my job. I suppose you’re technically part of that now. So...could you let me in?”

There was a long pause. Remus shuffled from foot to foot, ignoring the itch in his hands and feet. Jan glanced at him and tossed him a fidget cube, the one with the buttons. Remus grinned and began to fiddle with it immediately.

Finally there was a soft click and the door swung open.

Jan breathed a sigh of...relief? Who knew with JanJan. He stepped inside and Remus followed, still enjoying the satisfying click of the buttons.

Nothing in Roman’s room had changed. Roman still lay curled on the bed, staring at the wall.

“Hello,” Jan said delicately, fidgeting with his gloves. Remus chewed on his lip and wondered if Jan needed the fidget cube more than him. “Uh, Roman?”

“He’s listening,” Remus explained. “Just doesn’t bother talking back.”

“Okay. Alright.” Jan tried for a smile. “So! You’re Downstairs now? A ‘Dark Side’, to use your terminology? Do you know why that happened?”

Remus chucked the fidget cube at Roman’s back, but even the small thump didn’t make Roman respond.

“Right, I suppose you couldn’t answer any of my questions if you’re currently mute.” Janus flexed his fingers. “Look. Can I be honest with you?”

That got a small derisive huff from Roman. Remus grinned.

“Yes, haha, I’m Deceit, very funny, let’s continue.” Jan tented his fingers. “You’re upsetting the delicate equilibrium I’ve scrounged from what I was given in this miserable dump, and your presence has implications I’d rather not think about. So I would, if you’d be so kind to let me, like to return you Upstairs and have our darling friends the ‘Light Sides’ figure out how to fix this. Do you understand?”

Roman stared at the wall.

“This is very disconcerting,” Jan muttered. “Roman, please move. Or speak. Or convey to me your sentience.”

“Look, he’s not gonna.” Remus shrugged. “Just roll with it and drag him anywhere he needs to go. He’s, like, really depressed.”

Jan’s eyebrows pinched together. “Depressed?”

“Yeah, he’s blue da ba dee da ba die.” Remus waved a hand. “It’s obvious.”

Jan gave Roman a piercing look. “If that’s the case, maybe we should summon that strange therapist with the pink shirt?”

“Roman’s side of the Imagination,” Remus said. “Dunno what it’ll look like right now. I guess we’ll have to explore...other avenues.”

“I don’t know whether you’re implying sex or torture, but no.”

“Hey, they don’t have to be mutually exclusive, if you—"

“I’m going to stop you right there.” Jan clenched his fist. “Why did I take that oath to never silence you guys?”

“Oh yeah!” Remus turned to Roman. “One of the perks of being down here—JanJan doesn’t shut you up! I mean, I guess he never did anyway ‘cause he says you’re easy to manipulate, but—” Janus coughed loudly. “Anyway! It’s actually pretty cool down here, Ro-Bro! We’ve got a couch and everything!”

Jan’s face worked. Remus didn’t know if he was about to smile or frown. “Yes, because Upstairs, they sit on a giant dinosaur plush to watch TV.”

“That sounds really cool though!” Remus exclaimed. “Remind me to make that later. Then we’ll have a couch and a dinosaur plushie and this handsome face and Jan’s cooking and a ton of other cool stuff!”

“Thank you,” Jan said, “for helping me list more reasons that support my claim: Roman should leave now.”

“I’m just trying to make him feel welcome!” Remus crossed his arms twice over so they slipped in and out of each other like slimy spaghetti noodles. “Look, either we stick him back with the Light Sides who are kind of the reason he’s like this, or let him hang out. Or murder him.”

“No murder.” Jan held out a finger. “I draw the line there. The others would be furious and I’m this close to infiltrating them and gaining their trust.”

“Oh, that’s what you’re calling it?” Remus grinned, darting out of reach. “What about that time you almost cried last week ‘cause PatPat gave you a hug—”

Jan hissed. “Be quiet!”

“What? Can’t handle the truth, Deceit?” Remus glanced at Roman. “Anyway, I really don’t think he’ll be telling anyone.”

Jan was silent. Remus took that as a cue to check Roman over and make sure he hadn’t died while they were talking. Out of the dimly lit hallway, he could see the gauntness of Roman’s face and the paleness of his skin. He had a small cape, and the edges were tucked around him in a makeshift blanket nest. His hair was greasy and unwashed, the dark section stiff like someone had rubbed turds into it.

“I could kill him,” Remus said conversationally. He knew he was repeating himself, he knew Jan didn’t want him to keep bringing it up, but the silence was awful and ill-fitting like an itchy Christmas sweater. “I could just knock him in the skull, he wouldn’t feel a thing!”

Jan opened his mouth, probably to tell Remus he was being annoying—yeah, like Remus didn’t already know, like that wasn’t the whole point of his existence—

“Sounds nice,” Roman mumbled, curling tighter into his blankets.

Remus’ train of thought derailed, smashed through the station, and caused the deaths of hundreds of innocent people.

Jan stared at Roman, eyes wide.

“Okayyy,” Remus said slowly. “Um—”

“No!” Jan threw up his hands and stalked towards the door. “No! Absolutely not! I am not equipped for this! We are taking him Upstairs immediately, Remus, and if you get in my way because you want another guinea pig, so help me I will lock you in your room!”

Remus glanced at Roman on the bed. His brother, usually so grand and loud and bold and annoying, looked very small.

“Jan,” Remus called. “Wait.”

Jan paused in the doorway, not turning around. “This had better be good.”

“I—” Remus searched for words. He wasn’t really good at stringing sentences together like Jan, because his thoughts didn’t really come in sentences. They were just bursts of feeling and vivid images.

“Can he stay the night?” Remus sucked in air through his teeth. “I know you hate him, but...maybe a few days?”

“He’s not welcome here,” Jan fired back. “He’s not safe here. You know this.”

“And he’s safe with them?” Remus laughed. “They’re the ones who made this happen in the first place!”

Jan turned around, frowning. “Remus, that’s not what—”

“Please.”

“What?”

“Please,” Remus repeated. “I bet you really want to help but you’re just being slippery about it. Please.”

“Of course I want to help!” Jan snapped. “I protect the ego—helping Roman is, quite literally, in my job description. But I don’t believe letting him wallow in sadness in this hovel hotel will do him any good!”

“So you’re saying you couldn’t do a good job?” Remus laughed. “Hey, I turned out fine! And Virgil’s alright except for the neuroses and panic attacks, but who’s perfect?”

Jan stared at him. “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.”

“You know I don’t understand sarcasm!” Remus clasped his hands. “Pretty please, JanJan? Pretty please with mucus and intestine on top?”

A muscle jumped in Jan’s jaw.

“Fine,” he ground out. “He stays. For now. Only because I am not in the mood to go upstairs and deal with that mess again.”

Remus beamed, running up to Jan and spinning him around. “You’re the bestest, Double Dee!”

“Don’t call me that,” Jan muttered, extricating himself. “Let’s go, it’s time for dinner.”

“Goodie!” Remus clapped his hands. “Can Roman come too?”

Jan gave Remus a weary look. “...I suppose we couldn’t let him starve.”

“Yes!” Remus pumped his fist. “You won’t regret this, I swear!”

“I’m sure I won’t,” Jan agreed, watching Remus with a vaguely amused expression. “Spaghetti and meatballs tonight. Get Roman down the hall without maiming him, if possible.”

“Will do!”

Jan nodded and swept out the door, leaving Remus alone with his conked-out brother.

“So, Ro-Bro.” Remus stuck out his tongue and licked his eyelids. “You ready to get carried again?”

To his surprise, Roman sighed softly and rolled off the bed, landing on the floor with a loud thud.

Remus winced. “Um...good job! You planning to roll to the kitchen?” Roman made a weak gesture.

“You want me to roll you.”

Roman shook his head.

“You—”

Roman slowly, painfully slowly, started to sit up. “Oh!” Remus said, grabbing his hand and helping him to his feet.

Roman slouched, Remus noticed as he finally stood all the way up. His chin was dropped and he didn’t make eye contact. His cape curled around him, a safety blanket. Roman yawned and stumbled.

“Hey, no!” Remus yelled, clapping loudly. “It’s not sleepytime anymore! It’s dinnertime! Do you want to starve to death? Actually don’t answer that, I’m already worried enough about your mental state.”

Roman obligingly didn’t answer. He just sunk out. Remus idly wondered if Roman could rise up anymore or if he’d just appear like the rest of them. Then he thought to wonder where Roman was going.

There was a scream and a crash, and Jan yelled “Please do appear behind me!”

Remus snickered. Question answered.

He sauntered down the hall, pausing to work on a mural he’d been making on the living room wall. It depicted what Remus thought the inside of a stomach would look like. He added a few globs of red on one end before licking the paint off the brush and tossing the brush to the floor.

Jan was boiling water in the kitchen, his extra arms pouring drinks and setting the table. Roman was slumped in one chair, chin in his hand, picking idly at his napkin. Remus swung into the chair opposite him with a large smile and a squelching noise. He tossed a dead duck onto Jan’s chair. Without even looking, Jan grabbed the duck and tossed it in the trash. Boo.

“Here.” Jan ladeled the spaghetti into four bowls. One, he covered with saran wrap and left on the counter. The other three he tossed on the table. Wiping his six hands on the dish towel, Jan finally turned around. Remus saw him flinch slightly when he saw Roman sitting at the table.

Made sense. That used to be Virgil’s spot.

Jan quickly shook off the surprise and sat down, his arms disappearing into his sides. Remus frowned. He liked JanJan’s extra arms. They were all wiggly and opened up all sorts of neat possibilities. He still hadn’t found out if they regenerated after getting cut off. Like a starfish! Or a worm! Or an immortal fire golem! Maybe the hand grew a mind of its own and would scuttle around like one of Virgil’s spiders. It would be fun to have a pet hand. All of Roman’s pets ended up dying gruesomely, and almost five times it wasn’t his fault.

“Eat,” Jan said gently, winding spaghetti around his fork. He’d given Remus a fork, probably out of some delusional optimism that Remus would actually use it. Remus stabbed the fork into his shoulder for safekeeping and shoved a handful of spaghetti into his mouth. Then he popped in two meatballs, squirted sauce directly into his mouth, and swallowed.

Jan pointedly stared at his plate.

Roman wasn’t eating at all. He poked idly at the spaghetti, elbow on the table.

“Cheese?” Jan offered, pushing a bowl of grated cheese toward him.

Roman stared at it thoughtfully. His arm whipped out and he grabbed a handful of cheese, stuffing it into his mouth.

“You know,” Remus said, grinning, “I’m starting to like you.”

“There’s two of you.” Jan watched Roman swallow with disgust. “There’s two of you.”

“This is all I’ve ever wanted.” Remus wiped a fake tear from his eye. “Someone who truly understands me.”

Jan snorted. Roman didn’t. He let the remaining pieces of cheese fall from his hand and resumed staring at his spaghetti.

“It’s not poisoned,” Remus assured him. “Jan wouldn’t do that again. And anyway, I’d have been poisoned by now. Unless it’s one of the poisons I’ve built up a resistance to. Then you might be screwed.”

Roman set his fork down and pushed the plate away.

“Roman,” Jan said, rolling his eyes. “It’s not poisoned.”

Roman pushed the plate a little further away.

“Cheese isn’t a meal.” Jan pushed the plate back. “You need to eat.”

Roman looked away. “Not hungry.”

Jan gave Remus a loaded expression. Remus didn’t like that. The only things he liked loaded were guns and bank accounts.

But Jan took another bite of spaghetti and his expression smoothed over. “It was a huge scene Upstairs.”

“Really?” Remus leaned forward. “I want the juicy details!”

“Well, they’re all extremely distraught about the loss of their prince.” Jan’s eyes flickered over to Roman. “Virgil had a panic attack, I believe. Logan was furious, I couldn’t tell who at. Thomas immediately collapsed with a fever, and Patton wouldn’t stop sobbing into my shoulder.” Jan brushed at the offending shoulder. “It might have been amusing under different circumstances, but this time it was just sad.”

“Damn.” Remus tore a meatball in half and stuck the halves on his middle fingers. “Wish I could have seen that.”

“They probably won’t fully recover for days.” Jan glanced at Roman again. “That entire debacle in Roman’s room shook Virgil and Thomas up. I have no idea what actually happened, but from what I heard, it sounds nightmarish.”

Roman curled into himself, grasping at one side of his cape. “Sorry,” he whispered into his spaghetti.

“No, I—” Jan stammered. “R-right. Well, doubtless as soon as they recover, your friends will be marching down here and getting you back. Virgil especially would hate to leave you in such company. They won’t trust me to take care of you, that’s for certain. Perhaps they’ll mount some sort of rescue mission.” Jan smirked. “That would certainly be entertaining. If they call upon me to play the villain, I will gladly oblige.”

“Liar,” Roman muttered. “What?”

Roman’s mouth closed. Jan stared at him. So did Remus.

“O-of course I’m a liar,” Jan said. “My name is Deceit.”

Wait—which was the lie? That Jan would want to play villain? That the Sides didn’t trust Jan? That the Sides would come for Roman at all?

Remus funneled spaghetti into his mouth. Thinking sucked. That’s why he left the smarty-pants stuff to Jan.

Jan, who was now stabbing at his spaghetti viciously. Roman’s eyes closed and he seemed to fall asleep in the table. Remus grabbed his bowl and placed it on his head, letting the remaining tendrils of spaghetti crawl down his forehead.

Jan slammed his fork on the table. “Did I do this?”

Remus scrunched up his face in confusion. “Do what? A murder? A butthole?”

“This.” Jan gestured violently at Roman. “Is this my—I mean, am I going to be held accountable for this?”

“Why do you care?” Remus asked.

“I’d rather not be burned at the stake for corrupting the good prince Creativity.” Jan bit into every word. “So? Roman? Is this my fault?”

Roman didn’t open his eyes. Remus was sure he hadn’t heard the question until Roman said,

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?” Jan hissed. “That is not an answer!”

Roman shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now.”

Jan opened his mouth and shut it again.

“If you’re not gonna eat your food,” Remus said to Roman, “can I—”

“I’ll save it as leftovers,” Jan interrupted, taking Roman’s plate and sliding it into the fridge. “Remus, touch it and your life is forfeit.”

Remus pouted. “Roman wouldn’t mind, right, Roman?” Roman snored softly, head on the table.

“Is he asleep?” Jan asked.

“I guess?” Remus shrugged. “Must have been tired.”

“Hmph.” Jan placed the dirty dishes in the sink. “There goes my plan to force him into doing dishes. If he’s loitering around for the night, he may as well make himself useful.”

Remus looked at Roman, who was drooling on the table. “Yeah, I wouldn’t count on it.” Janus sighed loudly, casting his eyes up to the ceiling.

“But I can do the dishes!” Remus offered, jumping up and wiggling his fingers. “I’ll just need some hot wax, molten lava, and—”

“Never mind.”

“It’ll take like three seconds! Literally!”

“Never mind, Remus.”

“Fine, whatever.” Remus kicked his chair. “You’re full of don’ts today. What can I do?”

Jan’s face pinched. “I suppose you can accompany me this evening.”

“Yay!” Remus hugged Jan quickly. “What are we doing?”

“I was thinking Aladdin. A classic tale of lying and deceiving one’s way to the top.”

“Alright!” Remus grinned. “I like the genie.”

“You would.” Jan glanced at Roman. “Maybe a Disney movie would—get him moving.”

“I don’t think he’d get moving if there was nuclear fallout, but worth a shot.” Remus slid into the living room. “Let’s go!”

“You get it ready,” Jan said. “I have to...” He picked up the fourth plate of spaghetti.

“Right.” Remus really, really didn’t want to be alone with his brother. It would be silent and deadly. “I’ll come with!”

Jan, to his credit, didn’t look immediately disgusted. “Remus, I don’t think that’s necessary—”

“I’m coming!” Remus winked and congratulated himself for his innuendo. Then again, everything was innuendo if you said it right. “You said we’d get to hang out! So I’m sticking to you like a barnacle on the bum!”

“Sh*t,” Jan said, not looking that disappointed.

“Do you have some?” Remus asked, dancing over to the hallway. “That’d make things interesting! Come on, JanJan, let’s not keep him waiting!”

Jan pushed past Remus and strode down the hall. Remus followed, reciting every sex position he knew. It was victory every time Jan winced or said “Really, Remus?” Heck, it was a victory every time Jan looked in his direction. Momentary distraction was the peak of Remus’ social skills and all he could ever hope to achieve.

They passed Remus’ room—Remus made sure to make the door roar loudly and enjoyed Jan’s little jump—and came to the handle-less door. Jan carefully unlocked the flap and slid the spaghetti inside. As soon as it fell in, he slammed the flap shut and locked it again.

“Why do you do that?” Remus asked, summoning a bone and chewing on it.

“You know how dangerous he is.” Jan stood up and wiped off his gloves.

“No, I mean, why feed him? It’d be safer if you...let him be, right?”

Jan gave Remus a piercing look. “He’s a part of Thomas too, whether we like it or not. I’m self- preservation. I can’t just let him starve.” Jan marched back down the hallway. “Aladdin, was it?”

“Huh.” Remus tossed the bone at a wall and it cracked in two. “So how’s Roman different?”

Jan froze. “I...Because Roman has somewhere else to go. Aladdin, right? Let’s go, Remus.”

Remus spared a glance at the unmarked door and followed.

Aladdin was alright. Remus made a little ding sound every time Aladdin was shown shirtless. Janus hummed along to all the songs, though he bared his teeth when Remus pointed it out. Roman woke up briefly about halfway through, having been transplanted to a pile of cushions on the couch. Remus wondered if he would sing along. Instead he just hummed to himself and closed his eyes. For a second he nodded along to the music—no, no he was just nodding off, and okay he was asleep again.

When Aladdin ended, Remus put on The Shining. Janus took that as a cue to leave.

“Put Roman to bed,” Janus reminded him. “Well...he’s already asleep, but don’t let him stay on the couch all night.”

“He seems pretty chill,” Remus said, watching Roman’s bangs ruffle with each snore.

“Then do whatever you want.” Janus yawned. “This has been a thoroughly delightful day and I hate to end it, but my brain may explode if I have to continue thinking. Don’t burn anything down.”

“No promises!” Remus said. “Night, JanJan!”

“Sweet dreams, Remus.”

Yeah. Right.

Jan disappeared down the hallway, leaving Remus alone. It was the boring part of The Shining, so he fast-forwarded to the weird part. Roman didn’t wake up even when the screams started. Still, it was kind of nice to have company. Usually Remus spent his nights alone, bingeing horror flicks until his eyeballs were red. He didn’t really get tired, so it didn’t matter, and he did some of his best work at night.

It definitely wasn’t because of the nightmares.

Remus caught himself mid-thought. Lying would just alert JanJan. And it wasn’t Jan’s business. Yeah, maybe Remus missed Jan’s lullabies and being able to actually act on that promise that ‘My door is always open, Remus.’ Maybe it would be nice if he didn’t have grisly dreams of his friends dying every night. But Jan was busy these days. And Remus was Intrusive Thoughts. This was part of the deal. Remus was all the nasty stuff siphoned off of Roman to keep it away from Thomas. It was his job. And Remus loved his job! Just...not the side effects.

Remus turned up the volume until his eardrums rattled and he couldn’t hear himself think. Roman muttered something and turned over.

It was loud. Really loud. Remus barely noticed when someone appeared in the doorway.

He did notice when the TV turned off.

“Hey!” Remus whirled. “Jan, what gives—”

It wasn’t Jan.

“Sorry,” Patton said, “but I’d like to talk to you.”

“Um.” Remus debated hollering for backup. “This isn’t the best time.”

“I know.” Patton stepped forward, wringing his hands. “Please? Just a minute?”

Remus shrugged, catapulted himself over the back of the couch, and bowed. “What can I help you with? You finally decided to murder that really annoying barista?”

“What? No!” Patton frowned. “Remus, murder is wrong!”

“Yeah, yeah, if you’re boring.” Remus waved a hand dismissively. “Anyway, what’s the scoop? Haven’t got all night.”

“Right.” Patton nodded. “Um, have you seen Roman?”

Remus choked on air. “Say what now?”

“Roman,” Patton repeated. “Look, stuff—um, kind of got out of control today, so I was wondering—”

“Of course he’s here!” Remus laughed. “He’s a Dark Side now, PatPat! He’s asleep on the couch right now!”

There was a loud thump behind him.

“He’s asleep on the floor!” Remus winced. “Give me a sec?”

Patton nodded. Remus vaulted back over the couch and grabbed Roman’s sleeping form. “C’mon, bro, that cannot be comfortable. I’m putting up with the couch thing ‘cause I’m lazy and like the company, but you’ll put a real crick in your neck down there. Come on, up you get. There we go.” He shoved Roman into the pillows, made sure he was secure, and popped back over the couch. “You were saying?”

Patton’s eyes were wide. “He’s...he’s a Dark Side?”

“Oh, don’t act so pleased about it!” Remus folded his arms. “Thought you were trying to be nicer to us.”

“I am, I just—” Patton glanced at Roman, who was snoring on the couch. “I’m worried about him.”

“’Course you are! Join the club!” Remus grinned. “But he’s alright for now. We’ve got things under control!”

Patton didn’t look convinced. “Can you let me talk to him?” “He’s asleep.”

“When he wakes up?”

“He’ll probably fall right back asleep.”

“Well.” Patton nodded. “I’d like to talk to him at some point. Bring him Upstairs when you can.”

“Sure,” Remus said, gritting his teeth. “Upstairs. Soon.”

“Thanks,” Patton said, looking relieved. Remus noticed the skin around his eyes was red. “Um, tell Janus hi? And tell Roman...tell him I love him, alright?”

“Tell him yourself some other time.”

“I-I did.” Patton bit his lip. “He didn’t believe me.”

“Oh.” Remus clicked his tongue. “Gotcha. I’ll tell him.”

“Thanks,” Patton said again. “That means a lot.”

“Cool,” Remus said. “Are we...done here? ‘Cause I’ve got, like, things to do—”

“Right! Sorry!” Patton laughed. “I’ll get out of your hair!”

“Have fun,” Remus said, strolling to the couch. “Stay alive, don’t turn into a frog with abs again ‘cause that was weird even by my standards, and watch your step ‘cause your left foot is in a puddle of blood.”

Patton squeaked and stumbled backwards. Remus laughed as he tried frantically to wipe off his shoes. Finally he just removed the shoe altogether, pinching it between two fingers and looking at it warily.

“Bye!” Remus said, hopping on top of the couch and waving.

“Bye!” Patton called back. “Oh, and Remus?”

Remus twisted his neck around like an owl. “Yeah?”

Patton didn’t even flinch. “I’m glad Roman has you. Good luck, kiddo.”

“Oh.” Remus tried not to cry. “Uh. Cool. Yeah.”

Patton gave him another smile and walked back down the hall.

Remus sank weakly into the couch, staring at the blank TV. His stomach was doing weird things. It was all bubbly and fizzy and light like he’d swallowed a sparkler. He hated it.

So he turned the TV back on. Roman slept through the night, Remus didn’t sleep at all, and despite all the blood and guts he filled his head with it, he couldn’t avoid the memory of Patton’s soft smile.

Next. Masterlist.

General taglist:

@the17thmeatball

@most-likely-fandom

@csi-baker-street-babes

@caffeinated-cryptid

Valley of the Dolls taglist:

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thelittlehansy · 4 years

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EMPATH ?

in an old post where i was analyzing hans family and his personality in a frozen heart i come to the conclusion it could be maybe possible he was an empath and could also explain his behavior in the movie.

So because i m obesss

by list 😁

by prince hans of the southern isles 😁

and because it seems funny 😁

here it is a list 50 traits of empath to see what can we say about hans being one based on every information about him in the movie and since we have a whole book who got deeper about his personality also a frozen heart.

first what is an empath : “ Empaths, or clairsentients (literally, “clear sensing”), absorb the emotional and physical energies of those around them. Often confused with the term empathy, which is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes, an empath literally feels the emotion or pain of another”

i put 4 categories :

positive ,

possible ,

negative ,

we dont know.

1-You’re often told you are “too sensitive” or emotional.

hans family told him that , he is mice , he is weak , Runo and rudi mock him andt tell him he is mommy boy because of it ,he is soft this is the main reason his dad encourage his brothers to bully him wants to “toughen him” he hates violence and brute ( reveal in a frozen heart) it makes think of his father and brothers and he hates it but then it didnt really bother him to left a girl to died ? So not positive but not 100% negative. this is diffuclt !

Possible ? 🤨🤨

2-.Overwhelmed In Public Places

i was going to say we dont know but..Then i thought about that scene XD

so funny how much deduction we can make based on so little things.😄😄 on a frozen heart this is hans who propose anna to go see the garden flower so maybe ? but then this is more easily to be alone with someone when you want to seduce that person. also on a frozen heart Hans wait 20 minutes to enter in room where was throw his mother birthday. but again the main reason is because his brothers are exhausting.

not positive but possible ? maybe ?

3-You crave solitude, whether you are an introvert or extrovert by nature.

woooo on a frozen heart :

“ the dock was one of the farthest points from the westergaard castle which was part of its appeal for hans. his brothers couldn't be bothered to walk all the way down there just to tease him so it gave him the chance for the peace and quiet he craved it also give him to think something most of his brothers frankly couldn’t cared less about” Hans is an extrovert ! check his personality ENFJ. so positive !

4-Other people unload on you, telling you their problems and life stories, even if you have never met.

Looooooooove is an opeeeeeeen dooooooor

Positive !

5-You can tell the mood of a room instantly upon entering.

does the fact that Hans know what to say to elsa when he enter in the ice castle count ? so not positive but i think this is really possible hans is really good with the emotions and read people this is confirm on a frozen heart “ hans could read people and he knew elsa wasn't lying”Possible? nothing reject it hans is very good wih feeling and emotions !

possible

6-As you drive or walk through a town, your emotions fluctuate depending on the houses you pass.

we dont know

7-You have an artistic nature.

possible ? even more with his context of family ? i mean i can see hans have an artistic side to deal with his environment. Possible ?

8-You tend to be a “fixer” who always wants to help others improve their lives.

well he wants to be a king ?maybe ? reading a frozen heart something that struck me is that he has a huuuge need to be needed he wants to help and the fact that he is 13th in line and will never have to help no one really is big deal for him. so not positive but i do think this is possible well when he is not comploting some master mind plan.😄

Possible

9-You have vivid or lucid dreams and often wake up feeling as though you never slept.

dont know !

10-Sometimes you “just know” what someone is about to say or do.

with the fact that hans mirror people in some scene , love is an open door scene and also that he is a very intuitive person i think this is possible.!

Possible

11-You are drawn to healing or holistic professions (medical, spiritual, or religious).

dont know 😂but hans is attract by politic so negative ?

12-Your life is filled with an array of déjà vu moments, synchronicities, coincidences or patterns.

dont know

13-You have a strong intolerance for pain. On the flip side, you have the ability to “check out” of yourself if in an extremely painful situation.

dont know.

14-Watching the news affects you and the stories stick with you for days or years.

there is not news in the southern isles 🤣🤣dont know.

15-Seeing someone in an embarrassing situation physically pains you.

possible ? i m thinking about the beginning of the movie when hans make anna fall on the boat so maybe ? We dont knows but i think this is possible ?

16-You suffer from chronic lower back or shoulder pain.

dont know haha

17-You love to have control over your environment and become uncomfortable, frustrated or even angry (though you may not express it outwardly) when you are unable to.

if i remember well this is one of the thing that hans do in a froze heart he hates losing control over his environment. so positive ?

18-You know easily when someone is lying.

“ hans could read people and he knew elsa wasn't lying” dungeon scene a frozen heart what is in hans mind. Positive

19-Similarly, you know in a moment when someone is not to be trusted.

Positive ! also when hans leave arendelle with the guards he tell to one of his man : “ keep an eyes on the duke” “ i dont trust him i think he is trying to undermine me”

20-You can relate effortlessly to situations which you have never experienced.

possible ?

21-You use physical stimuli as a means of escape (alcohol, drugs, video games, sex, etc.), then feel guilty about escaping.

dont know.

22-You are a passionate person, particularly when it comes to human or animal rights.

hans talk about hunting with his father in his daydream , so now the question is can you hunt and be for animals right ? difficult to say because people for animal rights tend to hate hunting ? But people who hunts are not people against animal right then hans has a really good connection with horse.so honestly i dont know. also he is someone that wants to help but was teach that be human is not a good thing. so i just dont know.

23-The weather strongly affects your emotional state and you have symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Dont know but....now that im thinking about it maybe the eternal winter is the reason of hans betrayal ! like it was summer but the winter do something in his head. XD so

dont know !

24-You have been diagnosed with a mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

i have read a lot about this subject and analyze hans in a frozen heart some people come to the conclusion that hans may be depressed. positive ?

25-You feel most like yourself in nature, away from people or man-made objects.

turning he made his way out of the caslte and toward the sea” a frozen heart .possible ?

26-Antique stores make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy.

dont know.

27-Some places you have never before been feel like home.

sounds familiar ? Arendelle? 😄😄😄😄

more seriously maybe ? nothing suggest the contrary so possible but nothing suggest this is positive

Dont know

28-You long to travel and meet new people and cultures. You consider yourself a free spirit.

We dont know but hans is a free spirit ? he is independent and think differently that his brothers ? so maybe ? Possible ?

29-Owning too many physical items makes you feel weighted down. Clutter overwhelms you or leaves you feeling constricted or imprisoned.

we dont know

30-You prefer to focus on one task at a time.

Arendelle crown 🤴🤴

Arendelle crown 😵😵🤴🤴

Only arendelle crooown.😵😵😵😵

Possible ? 😅

31-Despite getting enough sleep, you constantly feel fatigued, both physically and mentally.

dont know.

32-You have a history of paranormal experiences (ghost or angel sightings, out of body experiences, etc.).

dont know😂

33-The emotions of your loved ones affects you throughout the day, even if you are physically apart.

Hummm.....he feels empathy for his mother sister in laws because they are ignore by his father and brother...bu we dont dont if it affect him for the day ?

Dont know

I find also :

34-“you are rule breaker “

hans dont seems to be one at all on the contrary based on the movie and a frozen heart.

Negative ?

35-you have a big heart ?

he dont seems to have a big heart we knows he like to help but he is also selfish opportunistic.

Maybe hans had a big heart but with his father education. Hans reject his father education but at the same time no. But well i will say

Negative

36 -You sense things that other people miss.

“dont be the monster they fear you are” hans interaction with elsa at the ice castle so i would say positive ?

37-You’re extremely intuitive.

i remember than Hans in a frozen heart said that he was working with his intuition. I also check Hans type of personality and i found : ENFJ let’s also say that he succeeded into changing his plan throughout the whole movie without losing his goal in mind. he adapt to the situation easily so well hans is definitely someone very intuitive.

Positive !

38-You need to be near water.

“ turning he made his way out of the castle and toward the sea” a frozen heart .positive

39-You often find yourself absorbing other people’s emotions (both good and bad).

He really seems to absorb everyone emotions when we look at his facial expression Even during the betrayal scene ? he was happy then anna got mad he got mad.( well this is the famous mirror theory on a frozen heart hans say this is something his father told him to manipulate but the only time he used it is for the duke of weselston and a moment we didnt saw on the movie not the others times)

possible ?

40-You get "gut feelings” often (and they’re almost always right).

Its works with hans being intuitive ? So we dont really have evidence , nothing reject it so i wil say this is possible.

41-You often feel other people’s pain.

well his behavior in the movie again suggest this is really possible. i m gonna talk about the scene with anna during the coronation night that could explain why it was so easy to hans to get anna he feel her emotions and how lost and lonely she was. and the scene when hans calm anna horse with his facial expression. at the ice castle scene hans see that elsa is scared and during the dungeon scene also maybe ? in a frozen heart hans say that he can read really well people elsa wasnt lying and she wanted to go back to her ice castle and let her sister clean the mess.so not positive but possible ?

Possible ?

43-You constantly seek answers for everything.

dont know

44-You know that your energy can change the atmosphere around you.

Possible ? Anna was sad in on instant hans presence change her mood with the aredelle citizens also ? maybe ? in both the movie and a frozen heart they were all kind of deseparate but then once hans in charge it does change.

45-You go back and forth between being very expressive and very reclusive.

we dont really know;

46-You sometimes find yourself putting others’ needs before your own.

Well nope not that much 😅 but hans dont even knows what are his needs.in the movie he put his need before anna elsa ,

but lets notice that it does fit with him being a social chameleon he gives the people what they want he makes them comfortable , give them their need in order for them to give to him what he want. Please his family to have their respect is also something he do before knewing

Honestly i dont know what to think ?

47-You always need to know the truth and do not like deceit.

Know the truth ? Nothing say the opposite so possible ? not like deceit ? interesting ! what would hans feel if someone did to him what he did to anna ?

Possible ?

48-You’re a free spirit and find yourself daydreaming often.

based on the movie we dont know , with a frozen heart we learn that hans is see as different as his brothers , he is independent and dont think like them. hans does daydreaming a lot before he decide to go to arendelle he was ( 17 , 20 with his real age)in a frozen heart. at one moment he said to himself that he need to sop daydream all day. so positive ?

49-You’re extremely open-minded and accepting of all people and lifestyles.

we dont really knows. no element at all.

50-You won’t let a problem go until you find a satisfying solution.

at a moment hans said he cant tell the number time he had tried to find a peaceful solution with his brothers and father.

Positive

I admit most of them are difficult to tell and there is a part of subjectivity.

So Result :

Positive : 11

Possible : 16

Negative : 3

We dont know : 19

so there is a lot of thing we dont know a lot of thing that are possible others. several things are positive and also some negative but there are less than positive like 3 ? .

in conclusion i think that hans being an empath with the amount of traits that are possible and the one that are positive it can be a headcanon. he is brillant with emotions,he knows very well how to read people , if they lied , if they dont lied and feeling others feeling can really explain how easily it was for him.

I think hans be an empath is great for 3 reasons :

1-it give a different vision about the famous miror theory

hans mirror everyone because he feel everyone emotions around him not because he is a psycho/ narcissist. Psycho/narcissist are not the only one who mirror people empath also but anyway hans dont mirror all the time people in the movie and also made several post about the subject on my blog there were a lot thing that hans didnt have with psycho and even more about narcissist and with what we knows about him in a frozen heart he is neither a psychopath or a narcissist but well here the subject is empath.

2-hans be an empath fix , give a reason to hans very stupid villain mistake

Hans be an empath is a post that i wanted to make since a long time and coincidence one day while i was reading some old hans post on tumblr and i see someone talk about hans be an empath and make a point very interesting.

That maybe hans be an empath is the reasons why he left anna to die ?

One of the big thing that dont make any sense with hans actions is why he didnt patiently wait for anna to freeze to death and go tell the diagnatery that anna was dead without them excepting to check the body.

Also why he was going to decapitate elsa right know but just couldnt stayed with anna to wait he had froze to death (for him elsa was in the dungeon so not even a need to be fast)

The person make the point that anna death would have be very slow and hans would have lost an advantage if he was an empath absorbing all the emotions. if she stay with her thats why he left her to died and he choose also a fast death for elsa.

Wanted to talk about that because it give an interesting explication more than "he left her because the plot ask for it and for the villain to be dumb and lose"🤔😄😄

-To finish hans be empath is realistic

what we learn about hans his description in a frozen heart is that he is the 13th son of a tyranical and narcissist father he live all his life with 11 bullies who pick on him because he is softer. He has live all his live in an environnent of hypervigilence and trauma and suffer from childhood neglect this are ways empath are made in real life with the presence of biological factor. ( trauma dont makes just psychopath/sociopath people *rolled my eyes*😅)

#prince hans #hans #hans westergaard #hans of the southern isles #frozen hans #disney villains #disney villain #empath

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gemini-system · 3 years

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If you're a friend or a mutual that cares, please read if you like. Sorry it's a novel long..

TLDR: I have a split personality disorder. Please accept me for who I am. (Though I would really appreciate you reading this)

There's a lot about my battle with mental health that I never told a single soul, despite being an open book pretty much all of the time. There were things even I never told anyone about, or maybe only hinted at, because I either had no name for them and could not explain that, or just plain fear not a single person would believe me, or think that I just wanted attention.

A couple months ago, I met my current boyfriend, and upon opening up cautiously for the second time about these issues, was finally given a name for them, and what I could do to make life easier living with them, and it changed everything. I was originally gonna just drop an explanation in my friends group chat since I haven't talked to them in a long time and wanted to give a life update, but dropping it all just felt like kind of a lot and I still have the anxiety that they won't believe me. So I'm talking here instead (I'll probably link this to them) But I just have to let it all out, and this is my only non-streaming centric account that is not linked back to on any of my videos, so I feel like I can dump it here.

To brass tax:

Starting at the end of middle school, I started developing symptoms of a sister illness to DID (multiple personality disorder). This sister illness is little known about and while it doesn't have a concrete name, some call it Division. Division is when, due to trauma, a set of bottled up emotions, ideas, and anxieties form into a split personality with it's own identity and can manifest in various ways, pretty similar to DID. The thing is with these illnesses, since everyone who has them experiences them differently in their own way, it's hard to know EXACT symptoms. And that, coupled with the fact all my google searches bring up nothing about it, is why I have always feared no one will believe me.

"Why Division? Why not just say you have DID?" I was told, in order to have DID, there must be two separate and distinct personalities from the host. And so I would not qualify because I have only one separate personality. If I am wrong about this, I have no issue with you sending me a polite ask about it, as it would be a lot easier to just say "I have DID" and tell ppl to do their own google search lol.

Fair enough, so why do I have all this anxiety my loved ones won't believe me?

Here is the part where it might get a little cringey to some, but I am an artist and writer, and all my life, art has been the way I express all my feelings and vent things without having to state them outright.

I had always feared being a bad person. From the trauma of the CSA I endured for 2 years, from gaslighting, to my father verbally abusing and threatening me and my mother with physical violence from a young age, I feared being a bad person more than anything else.

Every time I got angry, or talked back, or even just tried to stand up for myself, I feared I was or would become a bad person, and I thought to myself that I just needed to take all of those things I deemed bad, and put them into something or someone else so that I would no longer fear being a bad person. This other thing could be bad so I wouldn't have to "risk hurting people I loved" I had no idea what 'splitting' was or that I was even doing it. And that personality began to form.

As I began to draw more often, my symptoms surfaced simultaneously. "Hearing" thoughts in my head that weren't mine (not really hearing but it's hard to explain), horrible intrusive visions and thoughts, and then finally a little ways down the line swapping with eachother time to time, and another occurrence I call "snapping" where I swap suddenly out of anger or distress and lash out at others or have some kind of meltdown. I learned how to fight and control the swapping, I tried with all my might to make sure no one ever found out I was "crazy". Even my therapists. As for snapping, I couldn't control it, so he mostly came out that way.

I needed to vent through art somehow or I was going to explode. He had named himself, and told me what he looked like, and so I basically started a game of 4D fucking chess and told everyone "this is my new OC haha" and started from there, deciding to take a fan comic I was making, and rework it to put him at the center and make it original. I figured toting him as just a character I created that was important to me was easier than trying to explain or possibly have to prove to people that I had a split personality who was very real, with his own identity. I thought maybe I cold vent without people thinking I was crazy or some kind of special snowflake.

Looking back it's kind of funny because a lot of my venting was pretty on the nose with hints all over, so I'm surprised if at least one person didn't pick up on it lol. At one time during a breakdown, I even tried to explain that "Jet is mean and starting to scare me" and then realized my friends confusion as they reassured me he was a fictional character I made up. Which totally wasn't their fault because I totally dug that hole myself. I just felt a compulsive need to hide everything I was really going through.

For those who know about the character Jet, you may be a bit concerned because he is written to be a serial killer, but from years of writing development, Let me tell you, he is very overwritten and the Jet from the story is pretty different now from the "real" Jet in my head. If he wanted to actually end someone he would have done it by now and landed my ass in prison. He's mostly just a bully and goblin.

This post is already years long, so I won't bore you with our life story, especially if you think I'm making it all up. So here's my conclusion.

I hope you believe me, and accept me for who I am. This is the full and honest truth, and is a huge part of me that I just don't want to hide anymore. I want to be able to talk about my experience without sugar coating and leaving out information. I like being an open book, and this secret has been killing me. It took a lot of courage to type this all out to the world. I wouldn't mind telling you about our life together, what he's really like, and all the things I've learned from this strange, stressful, and sometimes wonderful journey.

If you don't believe me, that's fine. You can call me a liar, or say I'm delusional, or leave me. I'll never talk about it to you again, and I can just keep hiding it around you. I truly hope you realize that this is my truth.

Thank you for your time.

#very personal #squiddy talks #gonna post and pray

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ximenahidalgo-blog · 4 years

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It’s Kind of a Funny Story

It’s Kind of a Funny Story tells a story about Craig Gilner, who is a sixteen-year-old teen who is contemplating suicide by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead of going through with jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, he decided to seek help. Throughout the film, it is revealed that Craig has a lot of pressure from school, friends, and family. He is uncertain if he had made the right of staying, mostly because his friends might find out when he doesn't show up to school. The movie closes with saying that while his stay didn't cure his depression, it helped him a lot, and he can get through the rest of his life with the guidance of his family and friends.

Attractive

The movie revolves around Craig and his Depression. The film never goes into depth about his case of Depression as Craig brings it up himself that he has been having depressed feelings. He used to take Zoloft, which is used to treat depression, which he appeared to stop taking, hence the suicidal thoughts that were happening.

Depression is a major depressive mood disorder, which is a common and serious mood disorder, that causes the individual significant impairment or distress in important areas of functioning. Those who suffer from depression encounter persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Individuals who have to endure depression show various symptoms as trouble concentrating, and making decisions, feeling fatigued, worthlessness, hopelessness, digestive problems, persistent empty feelings, loss of interest in things once enjoyable, overeating, or appetite loss and suicidal thoughts or attempts.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story was consistent with showing the proper symptoms that pertained to the mental disorder, in this case being Depression. The film brought up the diagnosis from the beginning of the film, and you were able to connect the symptoms to depression. Craig’s thought process and actions connect with his diagnosis of depression. At the beginning of the film, Craig considers jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge instead he decided that he needed help, and he goes to the hospital and tells Dr. Mahmoud that he wants urgent help, he signs Craig up for a five day stay in the hospital's psychiatric floor. He had a hard time making decisions for himself as he let others influence him, which was a cause of his stress as he didn’t want to disappoint those close to him.

Once he meets the lead physician of the psychiatric floor, Dr. Minerva, he confesses all the many stressors he faces in his life like his friends, school, and family. All he wants is to be accepted and good at something without disappointing his parents. Craig’s attitude and the way he carries himself shows the signs of depression. He had an unhappy mood most of the day as he sees his life as a living nightmare. He isn’t happy and feels that he’s a disappointment. He mopes around thinking that what he has experienced is some of the hardest hardships once can endure. Believing that only bad things happen to him as those who are in his life are seen as perfect.

I would have to agree with the statement that It’s Kind of a Funny provides an authentic portrayal of people with depression. I decided to go with agreeing instead of strongly agree due to the fact that the film depicted hardships and multiple symptoms that an individual with depression could encounter but I think it didn’t depict that many symptoms.

Attractive

The criteria I will use to rate the attractiveness will focus on Craig’s personality traits. Throughout the film, there was a mixture of positive and negative personality traits from Craig, as it altered with his Depression. At the beginning of the film, he wasn’t able to handle his feelings for things, as he felt a constant sadness. He was a teenager who didn’t want to disappoint his parents, in this case, his dad as his dad wanted him to follow his footsteps.

These feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness overwhelmed him and pushed him to contemplate dying from suicide. He felt as no one would understand but he understood that he did need help. Craig’s negative personality traits are only present when he was feeling doubtful. This was shown at the beginning of the film, as his negative personality traits soon decreased when he was started to realize what was causing all his stress and empty feelings.

Craig is a quiet, caring, and artistic individual. At the beginning of the film, he is pictured as a quiet kid who doesn’t seem like an individual who doesn’t get to express himself. He lets others decide for him, as he feels if he hasn’t made an impact. He wants to make the people around him happy instead of thinking of what makes him happy, but it causes him stress. This is seen in the film when all he talks about is trying to get into the elaborate summer school program that could get him to be like his dad. Once he can express himself through art, he sees that it’s something that makes him happy. This is seen when all the patients were required to participate in therapeutic recreation therapy and were able to create something that he enjoyed doing.

I could see the audience understanding the struggles Craig faces as teens tend to face those kinds of struggles of finding themselves and wondering what they're good at. He is smart, creative, and has positive personality traits lead out of his depression which made his happiness and likes come out. But his feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts, are likely to lessen the audience's sense of his attractiveness.

People, who see the movie and don't know much about depression, are is likely to leave the movie feeling that people with depression just mope around and feel sad for themselves but once receiving the correct treatment can help manage and or help to get on to the right path. I agree with the statement that It’s Kind of a Funny provides an attractive portrayal of people with depression. Craig is a typical teen trying to find himself through this crazy path called life.

Friendly

The criteria I will use focuses on Craig’s family, friends, and the mental health professional and how they reacted towards him having depression. His parents didn’t pay much attention to him as it seemed, they expected certain things from him, as he had an intelligent little sister where they spent most of their time focused on. In the scene where Craig was contemplating suicide by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, he envisions his family there on the bridge with him, talking to him about everything going on except for his emotional wellbeing. They went on how he should think about what he’s doing as it will affect his sister and that he didn’t consider the money they spent on that bike and he was going to leave it there. Never did they bring up Craig's wellbeing.

Most of this stress came from his dad, as he wanted Craig to go to some elaborate summer school program. His friends are some of the coolest kids in school, as Aaron doesn’t need to study and is a complete chick magnet. Aaron’s girlfriend Nia is Craig's dream girl as he had a crush on her for years but always got ignored.

Once he was admitted to the hospital his mother seemed more worried about him compared to his father. She was encouraging when he decided to get help, she told him “This is the bravest thing you’ve ever done. You made the right decision coming here.” She thought it was brave for him to get the help he needed and encouraged him to finish his stay.

Aaron and Craig had a conflict in their friendship, but towards the end of the film, Aaron opened up to Craig expressing sometimes he feels overwhelmed and has had depressed feelings as well. Craig realizes that he isn’t as perfect that he thought he was, which gives him a feeling of relief as its not only him feeling stressed. After Craig is discharged from his stay, Aaron and Craig begin to have a stronger friendship as they both understand each other.

Dr. Minerva, who is the mental health professional helping Craig though out his stay in the hospital's psychiatric floor. She was able to talk to him and guided him in a way that would help him realize what was wrong. He was able to find what made him happy and realized that he doesn’t always need to make those around him happy by doing what they want.

I would have to agree that the film did show that someone did care for the main character who was living with a mental illness. In this case, being Craig and his family, and friends. Dr. Minerva did what she thought would benefit him in the process of his stay. I didn’t rate it a strongly agree due to the fact Craig didn’t have a strong support system from the beginning.

Hopeful

The criteria that affect the audience's awareness of the possibility of a positive outcome for the character are changes in Craig’s symptoms, and changes in his personal life. With the appropriate treatment, Craig was successful in addressing the major problems that he was facing and what he needed to do to confront them.

Craig was successful in addressing the major problems that contributed to his depression and suicidal thoughts. Which was the constant fear of being seen as a failure in the eyes of others. We can see Craig’s symptoms improve throughout the movie once he was able to pinpoint what was making him unhappy, once he did it helped him improve his ability to function and live a productive life.

Once getting admitted to the hospital's psychiatric floor his journey to recovery begin, slowly but surely. It was a time for him to reflect and get away from his worries even though throughout the film he was fearful of his friends finding out that he was in the hospital for depression. He needed to accept the fact that all those worries were a part of being a teen and he needed to do what made him happy instead of worrying what others would think about.

His symptoms soon started to decrease as he started to gain interest in something new, in this case, art, he didn’t bring up having trouble with appetite anymore, to where he was making his own decisions. By the end of his stay, he became more hopeful, as his thinking changed his view on things. When Craig found an interest in art, he found that art made him happy and he felt as if it was something he was good at. It made him realize that he should do what he wants to do rather than what everyone else wanted or expected from him. Once he made those transitions it is revealed that he started pursuing his purpose of becoming an artist which his dad understood, as it made him happier. He was able to embrace himself. This changed his life forever as at the ending of the film it shows how Craig was enjoying his life from school, family, and friends.

I would have to agree that there was a positive outcome for Craig. It’s Kind of a Funny Story ends saying that his stay didn't cure his depression, but the time in the hospital's psychiatric floor helped him out, and he was able to get past the remainder of his life with the encouragement of his family and friends. The film ends by screening how he moves on to live his life Noelle and his loved ones. He switched schools to pursue what he enjoys. He had a meaningful life despite the obstacles he faced, he overcame them and was able to love himself and finally do the things made him happy.

Helpful

In It’s Kind of a Funny Story, we see Craig meet with a mental health professional (MHP) during a few scenes in the movie. Dr. Minerva, who was Craig’s therapist, helped him understand what he was expressing were things that he could change. All the sessions shown were short, yet they appeared to be professional and insightful, but it may reinforce a misunderstanding that seeing someone to get help is a quick thing to do when in reality it’s not. This was in five days, and it showed Craig feeling better which in reality it wouldn’t only take five days.

Dr. Minerva helped him through the process, she would take the time to listen and ask questions regarding his day to day life and it would continuously lead back to his family and the fear of being a failure. She made it clear to Craig that it was important for him to have a strong support system and in the end, he realizes that other people around the world have it harder than him. He realizes that he doesn’t have a reason to be upset about the things he’s going through. She had him do therapeutic recreation therapy where Craig discovers his passion for art and ultimately life itself. I would have to agree that It’s Kind of a Funny Story provides a helpful mental health professional who acted professionally and ethically. Dr. Minerva was professional and insightful was the way she communicated with Craig. She was able to keep the relationship professional by strictly catered to him. She was able to get him to think and question what he could do to help himself as he felt constant pressure from others around him to be something that he doesn’t want to be. She didn’t tell him what to do, instead she helped him by guiding him to think about what he wanted instead of worrying about what others would think.

References:

Truschel, J. (n.d.). Depression Definition and Dsm-5 Diagnostic Criteria. Retrieved from https://www.psycom.net/depression-definition-dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria/

Signs of Clinical Depression: Symptoms to Watch For. (2019, September 17). Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression#1-2

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on-the-borderline-of-abandoned · 5 years

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Borderline Problem #17

Fragmented perception of self.

I feel as though everyone is made up of certain things: quirks, traits, patterns, perceptions, physical appearances, morals, etc. Sometimes it seems as if people without mental illnesses are able to blend those differences into one coherent, unique being. I feel like BPD makes it impossible for me to blend the different parts of my own being. It makes me feel very fragmented. From “Here’s confident me who is practicing DBT skills from group therapy” to now “Here is a destroyed human because a friend is angry at them.” Some days it may be “here is manic me, let’s get wild” and some days it may be “here is fatigued, anxious me who needs funny TV shows and validation and can not go out”. So many personality symptoms of BPD are contradictory; in the sense of things like pushing people away while wanting them to stay, black and white thinking, idealization of a person to devaluing that person, mania to crashing, etc. These are extreme opposites. Which extreme am I? How do I blend these thoughts into part of me that I can express without letting BPD define who I am? And what happens if DBT therapy helps so much that one day the extremes are extremely lessened, how much will that affect who I am— the person I’m finally starting to appreciate?

(I do not know this artist, if you do let me know!)

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jealro-blog · 4 years

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It’s Kind of a Funny Story

It’s Kind of a Funny Story follows the recovery of teenager, Craig, who willingly admits himself to a mental hospital after feeling suicidal. The movie focuses on his progress on dealing with anxiety, depression, and girl problems. He makes lots of friends and cuts a few out for the sake of his well-being. The movie ends with Craig starting an unlikely relationship with Noelle, another patient. He learns to let go of things out of his control and simply enjoy the small moments in life.

Authentic:

Criteria

For this section I will be focusing on whether the portrayal of Craig promotes myths and misunderstandings about anxiety and depression. To do this I will analyze the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder and depression that we can observe in Craig’s behavior and whether he is similar to most people with generalized anxiety disorder and depression.

Facts

Anxiety is mental illness that causes ongoing anxiety and worry that makes it difficult to carry on every-day tasks. The illness is characterized by overthinking, stress, nervousness, and excessive worry. These can manifest themselves in ways such as having great difficulty handling uncertainty, inability to relax, persistent restlessness, difficulty concentrating, inability to let go of worry, and overthinking plans (Mayo Clinic, 2017).

Anxiety can also present itself through physical symptoms. The individual may experience trouble sleeping, sweating, fatigue, irritability, stomachaches, and muscle tension (Mayo Clinic, 2017; Carey, 2017). Anxiety can be treated through cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes (Carey, 2017).

Depression is a mental illness that is characterized by a persistent feelings of sadness and loss of interest (Mayo Clinic, 2018). Individual may experience angry outbursts, loss of appetite, irritability, sleep disturbances, hopelessness, anxiety, feelings of guilt, fixation on failures, troubled thinking, loss of interest, and suicidal thoughts. Depression can be treated and managed through cognitive behavioral therapy and medication (Mayo Clinic, 2018).

Examples from the movie

In the film, there are many aspects of Craig’s behavior that can be characterized as symptoms of anxiety and depression. Throughout the film, Craig claims to be preoccupied with the idea that he won’t do good on his summer school application. He seems to have tunnel vision surrounding this and Nia. He can’t seem to focus on other things. We see in the film that Craig obviously has suicidal thoughts. He actually checked himself into the hospital. We see him attempting to jump in the beginning of the film.

He experiences loss of appetite once in the hospital and gives his burrito to another patient. He reveals to the psychiatrists that he feels stressed. He has a problem with stress vomiting. He experiences loss of interest when he fails to turn in 5 labs at school. He experiences hopelessness when he stopped taking Zoloft because he feels like he still can’t handle things as well as others. In the film, Craig mentions that he takes medication. He is also seen going through some art therapy.

Analysis of Examples

The movie assumes that medication (at least in the beginning of the film) is the only way that one can feel better if they have depression. For example, Nia asked Craig if he takes anything for the days when he feels depressed. Also, once his friends found out that he was hospitalized they asked him if he could get them Vicodin, assuming again that depressed people always have medication. Another stereotype is the depressed people just need to “chill.” The movie reinforces the idea that depressed and anxious people are just thinking about things way too much and that it is entirely in the head and easily controllable. Another stereotype that is passed through the film is that mental hospitals are “crack dens” or “looney bins” full of really crazy people.

The movie may also be also be stereotyping the notion that all depressed people cut themselves through the portrayal of Noelle. Though it may be true that they harm themselves in some way, I do think it is difficult to differential between what is a stereotype and what is true about self-harm. I think it is difficult to determine if the media has publicized the concept of cutting yourself because you are depressed. However, I understand that if Noelle was not a threat to her or others’ safety, she may not have been admitted in the first place. I think the film may be adding to the misconception that everyone experiences depression in the same way, i.e. cutting.

One positive thing this movie does show is that being mentally ill is not completely debilitating. For example, Craig and Noelle are able to carry on with everyday tasks. It’s also breaking the stereotypes that only women get depressed (Craig is the main character and he is depressed). Also, the movie is good at showing various aspects of being depressed through Bobby. Bobby can sometimes feel very angry and irritated, hopeless, experiences self-loathing, and has reckless behavior. So, I give the authentic rating a white heart.

Attractive

Criteria

The criteria I will use will focus on the positive personality traits of Craig. I will be examining how he handles his mental illness throughout the movie and his outlook on life.

Examples from the Movie

The film does show a lot of positive personal qualities of the characters who are mentally ill. Craig is a very good artist and singer. He helped his roommate to finally come out of his room. Bobby is a good friend, humorous, and very resourceful. Noelle is brave and learns to let others in. Everyone in the movie experiences growth. Craig learns to think positively about the future. Noelle learns how to trust others and learns that her scars are not the only thing she is. Bobby learns to control his behavior and emotions and is able to leave the facility before Craig and Noelle.

Analysis of Examples

The film started with Craig not being able to control his anxiety and jumping to awfully big conclusions based off of one action. Throughout the film, Craig learns to express his emotions in a healthy fashion, through art and music, and learns to not think so irrationally. There was a moment when he overacted about not being able to get his essay for college completed. He stated that he was so unfocused that the deadlines would pass, he wouldn’t get into his dream school, he wouldn’t be able to get a good paying job, and the he would be stuck working for minimum wage. This is a pretty big jump to conclusions. Throughout the film he learned to think more positive and rationally. So, I give the attractive rating a light green heart.

Friendly

Criteria

The criteria I will use will focused on the support Craig received from his family and friends, and how they responded to Craig being held in the mental hospital.

Examples from the Movie

His (Craig’s) mom and his sister check in on him regularly. His mother seems to be more devoted to his well-being than his father. He makes friends within the hospital fairly quickly. The movie didn’t show his best friend as being understanding and supportive of his issues. Nia only came by to visit Craig because Aaron had broken up with her. Craig even tells his roommate that he doesn’t have any friends (outside of the hospital). The movie also showed Bobby as not having a good support system either. He was pictured getting yelled at by his wife.

Analysis of Examples

It is clear to see in the film that the father is in denial of what has happened to Craig. It could be that he blames himself a little for what has happened. It seems like his friends just think he was sad. His friends didn’t sound too concerned when they heard he was in the hospital. Nia seemed to be the only person who understood how Craig felt. However, in the end, Nia only came to visit Craig because she and Aaron broke up and she was lonely. When more people found out he was in the hospital, they all asked him if he could get them drugs. Aaron told him that he needed to chill more and that there was nothing wrong with him. In the end, Aaron does come back and apologizes to Craig. It could be that Aaron was trying to hold onto his pride and ego that he was being insensitive to Craig. In the end of the film, he admitted that he also felt kind of depressed sometimes. Bobby throughout the film was mostly always getting a negative conversation over the phone or in person. I think this shows the frustration that families can undergo when they have a loved with a mental illness. Bobby’s wife seemed like she was just losing her patience. I think the way most people responded to Craig’s illness depicts how uncomfortable we still are when we talk about mental illness. We distance ourselves from uncomfortable situations (like his father from him), and we sometimes downplay what people are feeling (like Aaron did), and we can sometimes try to take advantage of people who are ill (like Nia attempted to). So, I give the friendly rating a grey heart.

Hopeful

Criteria

The most important criteria are the sense that Craig has a possibility for a positive outcome in regards to the changes in his symptoms of anxiety and depression, the relationship with his family, and his relationship with his friends.

Examples from the Movie

The movie does show a positive outcome for the characters who have a mental illness. Bobby ends up getting into a group home and starts to repair his relationship with his family. Craig ends up starting a relationship with Noelle, who makes him happy. He stops worrying about the expectations others have of him and he learns to let go a little bit. He also learns to look forward to things in the future. Craig repairs his relationship with his best friend Aaron. Muqtada learns to leave the bedroom and socializes with others after they play Egyptian music.

Analysis of Examples from the Movie

Craig’s progress is really easy to observe throughout the film. I think that this perception could be inaccurate, however. I think that it is unrealistic how quickly Craig was able to get over his anxiety and depression. It could be that it was all situational, but in case it was not, this could lead to people thinking that progress will come very fast and recovery will be short. I think that an important thing to take away from this film is that Craig sought out help voluntarily. Noelle finds Craig to be the first person who doesn’t ask about her scar right away. Craig learns to have patience and tells Noelle that when she’s ready he is sure that she’ll tell him. This is where we see that he is starting to let go of things he can’t control. He lets go of negative thoughts and really embraces the relationship he could have with Noelle. In the end we see how Aaron has a moment of enlightenment that shows how mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. However, I do still think that the illness is downplayed when he says, “sometimes I get depressed, or whatever.” I think this goes to show how we are still embarrassed to admit it to ourselves in front of others, that we may not be okay. So, I give the hopeful rating a dark green heart.

Helpful

Criteria

The most important criteria for this section is the professionalism that mental health professionals in the film exhibit towards the patients.

Facts

Psychiatrists are licensed workers who can prescribe medication, diagnose mental conditions, and provide therapy (NAMI, 2019). Psychiatrists also determine the cause of one’s mental illness to be either environmental or internal (Williamsville Psychiatry, 2019).

Examples from the Movie

The movie does show all the mental health professionals as acting in an ethical and professional manner. The psychiatrist really is supportive of Craig and tries to understand him and help him. She doesn’t downplay his thoughts and emotions and offers advice. Even the hospital staff is friendly. One exception is in the beginning of the film when the hospital receptionist simply handed him a clipboard after he stayed "I want to kill myself" and continued on with the conversation she was previously having over the phone. Dave, one of the psychiatric staff members, was friendly to him as he was introducing Craig to other staff members and giving him a tour.

Analysis of Examples

Dr. Minerva acted really professional when she would interact with Craig. She actively listened and didn’t make his anxiety seem foolish or small. She offered a lot of words of wisdom for him to learn to let go of the control he was trying to have. Even when he was panicking after hearing that he had to be there for five days minimum, Dr. Minerva kept her cool and was able to reassure and calm him down. She also did something that I think is really important. She broke the stigma of mental illness in front of him. She told him that he didn’t need to be embarrassed because it is a medical condition. It was really unprofessional of the receptionist to continue speaking on the phone after someone had just admitted to wanting to end their life. So, I give the helpful rating a light green heart.

Final rating is: white heart, light green heart, grey heart, dark green heart, light green heart.

References

Carey, E. (2017). “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” Retrieved from

https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder

Mayo Clinic. (2017). “Generalized anxiety disorder.” Retrieved from

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20360803

Mayo Clinic. (2018). “Treatment-resistant depression.” Retrieved from

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/treatment-resistant-depression/art-20044324.

NAMI. (2019). “Types of Mental Health Professionals.” Retrieved from

https://www.nami.org/learn-more/treatment/types-of-mental-health-professionals

Williamsville Psychiatry. (2019). “The Role of Psychiatrists & Psychologists.” Retrieved from

https://www.williamsvillepsych.com/psychiatrists-psychologists-roles.

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gvaf-radio-blog · 5 years

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I was laying in bed trying to not think about the rejection when the crying fit started, normally it goes away after a bit but this welled up and I felt an emotion like onto a rage induced tornado surging through me and I pounded the floor screaming like I lost a limb to a bear trap and started to pray to God, keep in mind I am a Satanist, to either help me find a way to get the love of my life back or to give me the means to end my life. Satan was very understanding but reminded me to call them first next time since Satan never told me I was damned for being born pansexual and they did turn me on to better fashion and literature, sorry Satan.

It had been going on like this for the better part of July and there were several things going on in my life at the time one of those was a firm belief that I had grown too old, too fat, too broken to be any use to anyone other than to make others feel better and be target practice for the Russian Cupidi who seems very intent on making others fall in love with me on the other side of the continent, little fuckers have surprisingly deep laughs I found out . There was a person I was convinced was the love of my life because they seemed to understand me, never made unreasonable demands of me ( I thought) and to put it simply we could not be in a room alone ever. We worked well together in fact each time we would meet it ended in us kissing and tearfully saying I love you to each other while holding each other head to head crying. Everytime I heard a slight Russian tinged laugh. We were for a short time had an almost family, an almost family is where things are just off and need adjustments. I wanted tp make us a full family badly I wanted this family to happen because these kids were at one time treated like mine own, I am a simple and boring man except for the Cupidi and a stalker with cat ears who keeps leaving dead birds on my front stoop.

So yes I was that fool everyone has laughed at in a heart break fueled misery that pop songs and movies lie to us and say “ AH but tis only the third act! The two distant lovers will be reunited and the love song with start after the credits”. I want to start rounding up the con artist that make a living by filling empty headed children with these notions of true love or that love conquers all and sodomize them with live lobsters. I don’t want to violate ethically challenged people with shellfish everyday, just on those days when I have to deal with the doll eyed masses, ok so basically every day I was trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt. The Ex had asked me if the reason I wanted to get back together was because they were a “sure thing” I told her that they were really a long shot but if I didn’t try then I couldn’t live with myself. Fast forward a few weeks and several insulting explanations later and I am now turning over all the reasons I am broken goods and that I should not rise above my station because I deserve to be alone, i’m scum, I’m why baby jesus cries and milk spoils when I walk into the room. I started taking pot shots at the local Cupidi with my compound bow but it was hard to aim with eyes full of tears and the edible kicking in finally. I don’t know how to say fuck you in Russian but I think I know the sound of the word.

Next we find me red eyed muttering some gibberish that’s been fueled by what I would find out later to be a suspected mental illness that is only half way being treated with medication and therapy. To give you a funny and disturbing visual. After not eating or sleeping for several days I looked like what could be described as a cross between a fat Reinfeld and a goth George Costanza , or Meatloaf on a bad day. I give you options for your visuals, am I not merciful?

It’s now sometime between one and five A.M and I am looking up the price of the least expensive .45 handgun because I’m poor and I’ll be getting some extra money soon because I turn thirty nine in a week I do not want to be thirty nine so I start looking for american style solutions, happy fucking birthday. I chose this caliber because having some medical training and studying the wonderful world of trauma I got to see in full detail what a self inflicted head wound looks like and what a person's life is when the bullet doesn’t take enough grey matter. I didn’t want to be alive then I sure as hell didn’t want to live as a joke character from a Garth Ennis story so I was going to get a bigger bullet . America, fuck yeah.

so I started to make my final birthday plan and feel at peace with having my last ride of Clove’s, bourbon and a good pub hamburger then, Tchüess. BANG! Obviously I didn’t buy the gun to end my misery and embarrassment as my brain was telling me I needed, because instead my brain going into OH FUCK mode was throwing everything it had at me to save the ship. Then it hit pay dirt. I rediscovered a natural emotional energy that put my mind into a laser focus clearing the fog and lies away just enough to stop my self destruction and restart the rebuilding I began in the winter. The emotional energy that saved me from turning my head into goo goes by the name of pure fucking spite.

I realized that my idiocy levels had reached a critical mass when the Cupidi in hazmat suits who seem to be , in Russian , bitching about extracting me to go get recharged . They came down to take me back to a containment unit that will refill my cynicism back to optimal and lethal fuck off capacity. After my IV of coffee and Monster™ grape was removed I was set loose again into the wilds of Southeast Portland to reconnect my brain with seething hatred that I somehow misplaced my hatred during the heartache attack between Southeast Division and Southeast Clinton street where I was bludgeoned with a baseball bat by the woman who was wearing cat ears. I was on a time limit because I had to do this quickly and retract my steps before my appointment with a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at two P.M later that day. I managed to find my hatred , my senses and a new found desire to attack any human with those fucking anime cat ears on their head and entered the office and was treated like a human being not a Cro Magnon sociopath who might try to kill people on the train, it was a nice change of pace honestly.

We talked about my past trauma and some of the diagnosis that where off base and some that came close to the mark but the main thing we talked about was the depression, the depression that had me looking for a gun as a treatment plan. This Nurse Practitioner pinpointed everything that I had to hide from others or train myself not to do in less than thirty minutes, Let me give you a bit of perspective.

Most of the mental health professionals I worked with in the past used a method I call flow chart counseling, example:

Therapist sees me walk into the door, therapist will ask if I drink if yes how many drinks in a week, if no move on to the next question. Therapist: Mister Cromag do you drink?

Me: yeah, I like a good beer, or wine I take a shinning to good bourbons as well.

“Therapist now flows to follow up questions”

Therapist: How many drinks per week?

Me: Well, I like to have a drink that pairs with my dinner and some weekends I’ll have a bit more during games or socialization depending on who’s around.

“Therapist now moves down to alcoholism”

Therapist: how long have you been an alcoholic?

Me: I’m sorry what?

Therapist: You binge drink Mister Cromag, more than four drinks per week means substance abuse.

Me: No it means I like the taste of a stout. “Moves down the chart to denial”

Therapist: We need to find you an addiction specialist.

Me: You think my drinking is bad, wait until I tell you about my porn collection.

After that exchange I was referred to a physical therapist to help with carpal tunnel and after a traumatized therapist had to call security all while frantically trying to find a flowchart for the psychotically horny they made a suggestion about me having an Oedipus complex.

So you now see what I mean, a lot of professionals never got to the heart of it and there are other stories where I’ve had the professionals all but sneer at me when my symptoms are presented. So this Nurse Practitioner was a nice change of pace and with the discussion about my issues, what I thought I might have been dealing with (sometimes people see that I do have some form of intelligence and not just hit thing with club real hard unga bunga) we then worked out what medication I needed to treat the thing I was dreading, being diagnosed with Bipolar 1.

Bipolar and ADHD share many of the same characteristics and as I’ve learned if you have one the other is more than likely there it just needs to be screened for. Bipolar is also a hereditary form of mental illness which makes it a bit unique where others are mostly trauma induced but Bipolar just kinda waits for something to happen and when nothing does it creates its own fun. To add to this good time Bipolar is classified as a “mood disorder” your highs are hyperactive boarderlining and often going into a full true manic state of mind and body, not nearly as fun as it sounds. Then the lows are soul crushing affairs that amplify the depression and then takes the lies you brain tells you and creates a story based on people around you, your fears, past trauma and then makes you this poisoned lullaby cake that tastes like candy feels like medicine until you fall to your knees paralyzed and the fangs sink into your back and you see too late what is having you for dinner tonight.

So that’s a quick and blurry on Bipolar 2, I have Bipolar 1 which means I get all of that plus the added fun of hallucinations, and not the type Terrence Mckenna taught us about. These are things that just manifest as if they are real life like if you were in a film and it was edited without warning and in this new situation you now have to improvise a reality, any reality, this is why I take *drugs prescribed and other. The other issue is that it feels like my memories get remixed and things that happened now have a new twist, a paranoid hurtful twist. Good example of this is when I was making a terminal wishlist and believed that there were people who truly wanted me to die because I interpreted their actions as malicious. Another example is I was walking home to the apartments around ten or twelve years ago, I was walking home at the time with groceries and when I got through the front door there was construction going on at the apartment above me. I sleep days and at best i’ll get four hours due to shit employer, new born child, a girlfriend that was Sybil the next generation who completely refused to get treatment because she was a psych major and thought she was the heroin to overcome all odds in a lifetime movie. So on top of this my mental illness is not in check, no insurance and if I mention medication at work I could get fired.

I wish this was a part I made up but I mentioned I was on antidepressants at one time and they removed me from two positions back to entry level until I got clean off celexa, Not allowed to do the fun drugs and then punished for using the boring ones no idea why I stayed there for eight and a half years.

Back to the construction, I get home try to put my groceries away and one of the workers says he needs to do something in the bedroom I tell him to get bent , he calls me a fat fuck and I proceed to beat him bloody! Except it never happened, I woke up beating my fist bloody onto the tiled floor of the kitchen where I had started to put away my groceries until I jumped into this other reality, I’m just happy the kid wasn’t home because it might have scared her and made her cry and knowing I made her cry hurts the worst, I would have attempted that second suicide earlier. This freaked me out I’ve never had an hallucination like this I was scared, when I told then girlfriend hoping to get support or at least pointed in the direction on where to look she labeled me a schitzophrentic started talking to me as if I was going to flip out and that I was even more dangerous. I let that turn around in my head for years thinking that this was the linchpin to me being broken and with the way she talked to me I believed I didn’t deserve help. This was one of the main reasons I had to kill myself after she took my daughter away.

Like a few million other miserable , confused people out there I didn’t know a blessed thing about what was happening, I remembered the mental abuse and emotional abuse from the church, and some had argued physical and neglectful abuse I recieved at the hands of my family or my mother’s husbands who told my mother to no provide for me but instead buy him a new toy car. My step sister who somehow hates the knot headed reprobate more than I do stole his precious camaro and rear ended a Semi. After learning she was ok I fell on the floor laughing because all I could think about was this NASCAR addicted stunted man child calling his mommy to whine about a broken toy, to add to this mental image he was wearing a blue jean diaper and clutching a plush Richard Petty teddy bear.

There’s more but I don’t feel the need to talk about school bus drivers and me losing memory of one full year of my life, bullying at the hands of adults and children alike. I feel like that would be redundant and unfortunately all too common a story I’ve heard from so many people in my life, friends, lovers , coworkers the fucking homeless people who talk with me after I give them beer money. Leaving some of the genetic issues aside you bastards need to understand how wide spread some of these traumas are for fuck sake my motley of misfits are all walking trauma case studies and instead of getting help YOU people ridiculed them, or gave them the greatest useless sentence in the english language which is :

“Just get over it.”

Do you know what I would like to see? I want to see all of us survivors roaming the streets like that piss poor movie they claimed was a horror movie the Purge and with a list not unlike the list owned by the man that comes around Johnny Cash sang about during his song of the rapture, and I see men, women, and nonbinary people going to the address of those passive aggressive twits and beating them within an inch of their life, then carving into their chest (backwards) “get over it” then we move on to the homes of the rapists and tell them “you asked for this” before destroying their cocks with battery acid. The screams in the night would be glorious with the bats acting like percussion and the screams keyboard swells it would be like Front 242 unplugged. Maybe then the sniveling pretentious nra members out there will learn a bit. At best, it would be fair warning not to be passive aggressive asshole and learn a bit of compassion and mindfulness or to just get their heads out of their ass about battles they know nothing about if they want to avoid severe head trauma that one can not just simply get over.

Living with mental illness is not easy at any level whether a small bit of depression after a breakup or full blown PTSD after a brutal rape that leaves one unable to leave their house. Whomever has these afflictions are the ones suffering and your feelings of inconvenience or fear of those sufferers need to be thrown into the Willamette river, I would say you need to follow suit but there’s enough garbage in this river you can fuck off into a trash compactor.

Living is the hardest thing I do but I keep finding ways to stop the thoughts from taking over and I will and have done whatever it took to not die and sometimes the only way I was able to beat the mental illness was being bat shit insane. Some people think I’m a drug addict, others just think I need to talk to my old invisible friend, a few well meaning souls have suggested psychedelics and these people are pure and I will castrate any who try and stop them from their holy work from the almighty Bob. what I do need is to find that bitch with the **baseball bat and introduce them to a proper bonfire that I’m going to roast one of those little commie Cupidi on, oh yes I want my revenge for St Louis.

*the drugs in question are cannabis for the most part, when I’m spinning hard it helps tune me down and when the depression hits it shuts up the thoughts that plague me. Not a cure all nor is it a replacement for proper medication and therapy. I like to think of it a supplemental medicine that has the added effect of making Tool sound even more epic and letting me sleep peacefully.

** all wildy violent, funny and or cartoonish descriptions written about are there to be funny and entertaining no Cupidi do not exist and the Cat ear person does but the assault was less bloody and didn’t involve a bat but it was far more traumatizing.

#gvaf #bourbonsexual #mental illness #suicide #abuse #Gonzo Journalism

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lore-a-lie · 6 years

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Chapter 3, Act 5: Shooting Stars

Daily Life- Free Time

Kaito was confident in his decision as he and Ryoma left the others to handle their own business. He was one of the few who figured he knew what Gonta might have been doing by taking Kiyo and Kokichi aside. “Keep your friends close and your enemy closer” as the saying goes. Kokichi spots a liar like no other, so if anyone would be manipulating Gonta, it’d be him and not Kiyo.

Not sure how I feel about anybody trying to trick Gonta into doing something, but everyone’d be safe at least. Plus if they knock Kiyo out or somethin’ Kokichi could share whatever’s spinning around in that screwy head of his. He’s not dangerous, but makin’ plans without letting any of us know what he’s trying to do can be, for him and us. And if he doesn’t trust Gonta of all people that kid has some serious issues.

And speaking of serious issues...

He risked a quick glance down at his friend again, but Ryoma was already looking at him and cocked an eyebrow in exasperation. Prolly makes sense, whether he’s meant to or not Kaito knows he’s been looking at Ryoma a lot while training this time. It’s not like he could help it, he’s just worried about the guy and moving his body like this just naturally makes him think a lot. ( As hard as it is to do that now.)

“If you want to say something to me, just spit it out already. It’s not like you to keep your mouth shut. Half worried you’ve stopped breathing up there, bud.”

“Ha ha, very funny. Haven’t left the atmosphere yet. But I was just thinking...”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“HEY! Seriously, I was messing at the arcade and the prizes got me thinking. Wouldn’t playing a match be better exercise than basic training?” Kaito offered, keeping his tone as carefree as he could as he kept an eye on the former pro. (As big of a mistake this might be, I gotta get him involved with something new.)

Ryoma stopped dead in his tracks as he glared at the astronaut, but Kaito saw more frustration and guilt than actual anger on his face. “What do you think you’re playing at? I told you that’s all in the past.”

“It doesn’t have to be though! And it’s nothing serious, just a simple match between us men! Unless you’d want to wait a bit, so Kaede can watch. Sure you don’t want to show off to her a little?”

“What’d be the point of that? Don’t be stupid.”

“Nope, not possible! The “point” would just be to have some fun. Live a little, make sure you have no regrets while we’re in here, that sorta thing.”

“If you’re worried about what I said about Kiyo then fine, but hearing you say this stuff worries me too. You sure you’re okay? You’ve been off for a while now, and that little rebellion you offered isn’t helping.”

“Then let's have a match about it!” Kaito suggested with his normal shit-eating grin. “If you win I’ll answer any questions you want, and if I win you’ll knock it off with that suicidal defeatist crap, deal?”

“Well now that you actually bet on it you know you’ve practically lost, right?”

“Then what do you have to lose?! It’s not like time in this “school” matters much until the motive shows up, so why not play instead of train tonight?”

“... Fine. One match. After you finish playing babysitter to Twisted Sister. Isn’t it about time to swap?”

“Gaaah, don’t remind me! Sure you don’t want to trade?!”

“Not a chance, she’d be one thing but Tenko and Angie are another. Not like I’d be much good at playing chaperone in the sim anyway.”

“Fuuuck. Kiyo I can deal with, but she just gives me the absolute creeps. You better show up, you got me? I’ll need something to look forward to after that bullshit. So this is a promise between men!”

“What does that even mean? It’s not like we’ve drank on it or anything. But fine, whatever you say.”

“And don’t forget to invite Kaede! I definitely want her to see me wipe the floor with you to break that “cool” image of yours already.” Kaito called as he headed off, tossing a present to Ryoma on the way.

He didn’t bother looking back to see Ryoma’s expression as he stared at the tube of tennis balls, but he distinctly heard the muttered “Stop with the teasing already” directed at him. Something about it was more disheartened than usual though. (Guess that’s one more thing I’ll need to ask him about! I mean it’s not like he’s tried telling her, right? And she’s bounced back from Shuichi pretty good hasn’t she?)

When he got to the computer room Kibo was just ending his “shift” and removing his headset before double checking the connections for Kiyo, Tenko, Angie, and Gonta. Which alone raised a red flag.

“Hey Kibo, Gonta’s not pulling triple shifts again is he?”

“Nope, just planning on a double. He just switched with Tsumugi, and expressed an interest in sticking around for Kokichi’s shift too. It shouldn’t be too hard on him, but I understand your concern.”

“Okay. Guy’ll just be spending a lot of time with Kokichi and Kiyo today, whatever makes him happy. But try not to let him stay cooped up in there for too much longer than that okay?”

“Not to worry, I’ve already talked to him about possible physical or mental health concerns. If I wasn’t so worried about bugs getting into my vents or anything I’d offer to spend more time with him and his bugs. Maybe he should start releasing them outside, so we could try “bug hunting” as a group activity?”

“Oh shit, I haven’t done that since I was a little kid! I betcha we have honey and stuff in the kitchen too, they’re great for bug traps. We could definitely try doing that sometime!”

“Great! I’ve never actually done that before, so it’ll be a first for me. And the extra space should be safer for both my systems and his smaller insects than staying in his lab would be.” (Yeah, if Kibo got a literal bug that could really mess him up. But I’m sure I’d be able to manage fixing it somehow, I don’t want him missing out on account of his body. I’m sure Gonta’ll understand if some bugs get hurt by accident.)

His hookup didn’t have any issues either, as he felt the moment his consciousness left his aching body without succumbing to the peace of sleep. Honestly, he didn’t realize how much he hurt all the time until he had this chance to be without it. It had just been part of his daily life for too long, despite his medications and painkillers. (I definitely see what Pap-pap meant when he’d complain about his arthritis. Really does change how you see and do things, whether you know it or not. Pain’s just a new white noise you ignore.)

Rather than waste time or heartache wondering if he’d ever see him or G’amma again Kaito focused his mental energy on finding where the three scariest girls he knew would be. Kiyo normally stuck to the buildings, and they’d been trying to keep him and his… “sister”, separated for the most part in here.

Which definitely has nothing to do with ropes or anything that considering would induce vomiting.

So he decided to test his luck outside! They were all outdoorsy people, weren’t they? Exactly. From that point, all he should need to do is follow the sound of giggling or other high pitched noises. Or maybe thomps if Tenko wanted to try her Neo-Aikido with someone who had a built-in bullet time.

I mean, that’s what I’d do, even if I couldn’t film any of it. It’d look awesome and it works against the power of gravity, which is even more awesome! But I’d never flip a girl, even if they wouldn’t get hurt. That’s just not right. And I’m not a girl, so this doesn’t really matter. Could ask Tenko about it though.

It turned out the three of them were just in the “woods” behind the buildings, so they were easy to catch up with. Obviously that thing was the one least pleased to see him, but Angie happily greeted him with a hug and even Tenko gave him a smile and a wave before prying the artist off of him. Angie clung to her as they walked away, chanting something in her native tongue as she and Tenko returned to the stumps they’d been sitting on despite the new awkward weight.

At least with this monster around, if the mental symptoms of his illness started messing him up he could mask it as fear again. Best of all that might be true enough to get by Kokichi without making the kid worry if it came up later. (It’s hard not to feel guilty when you know he sees every little lie as a possible danger.)

His job here was also easy enough. These girls could handle themselves physically just fine if this whatever-it-is tried to hurt them. Keeping their heads straight if “she” tried twisting them around was another story. Tenko was pretty gullible and naive where girls are concerned, and that bias was hard to break, while Angie could just as easily be as much a danger with that as this phantom menace was. (HA! Knew I still had a knack for the Sci-Fi puns! Pffft, “Menace”. Thanks Tenko, that makes it even better. I need to remember that one. Don’t want to waste it right now, Ryoma and Kaede are going to love it!)

“Hey you, get that creepy grin off your face! I bet you’re thinking of something pervy right now, aren’t you?! Creep. Leave it to a man to ruin the pure innocent beauty of female friendship.”

“Hold on there, I’m not! I was just thinking about something okay, I haven’t even heard a word you said!”

“Oh. Then good, keep it that way! Just because you need to be here doesn’t give you the right to eavesdrop.”

“... Orrrr we could let him join the conversation, couldn’t we Tenko? The more the merrier~”

“I agree with Miss Chabashira, I don’t want to risk you two lovely little angels being forced to sit through any more pointless arguments. After Idabashi did us the great kindness of switching with Miss Shirogane I was hoping to have one day of control without conflict.” It said, causing Angie to stick her tongue out mockingly in retaliation while Tenko got all giddy over being called a “lovely little angel”.

“Ouch. Jeez, no need to sugarcoat anything on my account. Guess I’ll just… stay over here I guess?”

“Good! Nice to see some people know when to respect boundaries after all.”

So to keep Tenko happy Kaito stayed off to the side, but still made sure to listen best he could. Which could have been better, since there was only so much BS he could take listening to at a time from Kiyo’s not-so-inner demon and the more standard girl talk felt wrong to focus on too closely.

Still, it should be enough to keep either Angie or that thing from doing too much damage. It helped how often they’d act to cancel each other out when one of them tried talking Tenko into something. Shame they also fully talked Tenko out of his anti-Exisal plan, but that could be for the best.

He was the only one running out of time. If anyone else died in his rush to escape he’d never forgive himself. (But it’s not like making them watch me die or have a trial over me would be any better.)

Maybe I can tweak the plan so I could take down that monster solo? I mean at least dying like that wouldn't cause problems for anyone else if things didn't pan out. Might not hurt as much in the long run either- I shouldn't think like that, we're supposed to escape together! I can't betray Kaede like this. What sort of man sabotages a kind promise like her's anyway? Heck, we haven't even had her piano lessons yet. There's too much left for me to do, I can't just let myself die now!

I'll just need to come up with something else. Something better and something fast. I'm not gonna die here, and neither is anyone else if I can help it. Not Ryoma, not Kiyo, nobody! Even if that thing that's supposedly back from the dead makes that a lot harder now. Can't get rid of it without hurting him, right? Both physically and emotionally...

Kaito's train of thought only brought his attention back to the matter at hand. The threat trying to wiggle its way into their group as if it was one of them. Whatever it was it was dangerous. That's why he was here after all. He clenched his fist in frustration as he focused back on the girls and the ghoul with them.

“- Honestly, if you think he talks like an old man now, you should have seen him when he was little. I can’t remember how long it took me to get him to stop calling himself “queer” when he meant... “different” or something.” (Hope I haven’t missed anything super important. But this could be.)

“PFFFT. Oh dear, oh dear. Guess he wasn’t really wrong, was he?” Angie said, smothering a giggle.

“Well no, but still! He was NINE, I couldn’t just let him keep talking like that around his peers.”

“You mean friends?” Tenko dryly offered, with hints of her own snickers.

“If he had those then yes, them too.” The words came from its mouth, sweet as cyanide. “Honestly this whole “making friends for me” has been a big misunderstanding. But I can’t TELL him that, because… Well, I don’t know what he’d do. This isn’t like teaching him not everything has to be written in cursive.”

“... Murdering people has been a “misunderstanding?!” Tenko nearly screeched in shock, before checking around to see if that had caught Kaito’s attention. Which she didn’t see, because he knew better than to show that he could already hear them just fine. (Even if it’s listening to this throw “her baby brother” under the bus to make itself look less suspicious. God I hope Angie and Tenko aren’t really buying this crap.)

“I was dying! I told him to “make friends for me”, as in “in my place” or “to make me happy”, because I never had a real chance to have any! Why wouldn’t I, when I was the only person I really knew he had? How was I supposed to know it’d turn into… THIS?”

“Uh-huh. Suuure~” (Good, Angie knows how full of shit this is too. So that leaves Tenko in danger.)

“It was going pretty well too, until that girl he met on one of his travels had an accident when hiking with him. You’ve seen how he gets when he starts panicking, when he started blaming himself I had to do something! So I… told him I’d be taking care of her now, that we’d be best friends, anything to calm him. In hindsight that wasn’t the best of plans, but it was all I could think to do at the time.” (Bull-fuckin’-shit.)

“Hmmm~ Like all you could think to do at the time when you weren’t dead was sexually abuse him?”

“That was completely different! Besides, it sure doesn’t sound like you have any right to judge us.”

“Miss Shinguji has a point. I mean some of your stories raise red flags too, especially with S-E-”

“Whaaaat? Angie’s people aren’t anywhere near this bad! Tenko’s so mean to me…”

“I am not!”

“Are too!”

“Are not!”

Kaito forgot how many times that back and forth went on for before It intervened. But when it did it said something about how close the two were before the three girls started exchanging hushed words.

When he tried to see what was going on he couldn’t make out much. Tenko was red as a beet, covering her face, while Angie had gotten up and draped herself over her friend and rocked her side to side. The fuckin’ flirt, because that’s what always got Tenko looking like that, was apparently teasing the girl over something making weird scissor and crossing gestures with its fingers.

Whatever it was, Angie nodded and knocked their heads together, making Tenko shyly peek out from between her fingers. Angie’s head-nuzzling just caused Tenko to close the gaps again and childishly start kicking her legs from her weird semi-fetal position on her tree stump. (I hope friendships between men are just as confusing to them as watching this pair of gal pals interact is to me.)

As if the world feared some may miss the hint little hearts started bubbling above Tenko’s head too, which gave her a reprieve from Angie’s cuddles as the artist began trying to either catch or shoo away the cutesy animations. The monster’s attempt to “test” if a blown kiss would have the same effect was definitely a case of the latter, pushing Tenko out of the way before chasing after it like a small animal.

As it looked like the abomination’s antics were annoying Angie to her limit and was only using this as an excuse to check in with him, Kaito quickly resumed his earlier position. Which, in his bid to “act natural”, was to try and weave a nearby bush’s branches together. (She’s an artist so maybe she’ll buy it!)

“Oh Hi-oh~ What’s the Kaito been up to?”

“Ohayō to you too I guess. Not much, just… Balancing guard duty with not pissing off Tenko? The usual.”

“Okie-doke. Did Kaito hear Kore’s excuses?” (Okay, she’s just making sure she’s not the only one aware.)

“Trying to make Kiyo out to be the only bad guy you mean? Yeah, and I’ll bet you it’s full of shit.”

“Well, no use betting if they’ll both be on the same thing! Except for Tenko. She won’t believe me...”

“Should you really be leaving those two alone then?” Kaito asked, looking behind her to see Tenko listening and nodding to whatever the threat was saying very intently.

“Not really! But it seemed like a good chance to make sure Angie and Atua aren’t the only ones looking out for her! Not that Angie doubts Atua’s protection, He just thought you’d be a good back-up back-up.”

“Well gee, thanks. I’m a more reliable guy than that you know!”

“... Hmm, Atua says no." Angie shook her head, before clasping her hands in joy to try and give Kaito a different sort of encouragement. "But He praises you for your “wicked positive vibes”! This is why He chose you after all.”

“Well Kaito says yes, and that’s no way to talk to a guy when asking for help!” He snapped back, trying to fight for whatever pride he could keep.

“He knows, He knows. He’s just grumpy because He hasn’t had enough blood sacrifices lately. So on His behalf Angie thanks you!” She chimed before giving him one of her trademark hugs. (Boy it’s weird being at eye level with such a tiny chick.)

“Yeah, yeah. Why don’t you go make sure those two are behaving or something, okay?” Kaito told her after returning the hug and giving her head a good ol’ “good luck” head rub for good measure. She playfully swatted his hands away before skipping back, sticking her tongue out at him as she went.

Not too much else of note happened after that. Tenko made no indication she was aware of Kaito doing his job better than she wanted him to, Angie didn’t sound like she was pushing any agendas, and the monster stayed civil rather than try to shift blame anymore.

The game’s world had no day or night cycles, so Kaito only knew his shift was over when Kokichi showed up. Which was made easier by the fact the boy would not let you ignore the “changing of the guard” as he put it. (Small blessings: Kibo did not give him access to any trumpets or tubas. Hopefully never will.)

He also wasn’t alone, as Gonta and Kiyo were in tow when he found Kaito and the girls.

Seeing Kiyo was enough for Angie and Tenko to get ready to go, though the living lie still went through the motions of cheerfully greeting and clinging to “her brother” as if nothing happened. The boy even gratefully accepted it with even more enthusiasm, not at all suspecting she was trying to screw him over. (Then again why would he? Poor kid. This is too many levels of fucked up. But someone needs to know.)

As Angie and Tenko headed off to the mansion, Kaito beckoned Gonta aside to make sure he understood the dangers here. Can never be too careful, even with Kokichi hanging around. And with the siblings keeping each other’s attention this was his best chance to keep him up to date.

“Hey big guy, you still doing okay? Heard you’re pulling a double today. If you want Kibo could still probably get someone to switch with you.”

“Yup, Gonta good! Kokichi thought it be good idea to hang out for longer and give Kiyo time with Sister Kiyo. So everyone be happy!” (... I mean he’s technically not wrong. He’s way too nice for this bullshit.)

“Good. Really good. Just don’t get too comfortable with how “happy” the two are together, okay?”

“Uhhh, If Kaito saying Gonta need to be vigilant chaperone he no need worry! No un-gentlemanly things will happen, Gonta promise!” (OH GOD NO ACK FUCK GODDAMMIT SHIT I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY!)

“Not what I meant! I mean good, but… Gah, sorry I made you think of that.” Kaito said, but he was speaking more for himself as he scratched at his neck. So he tried to change the topic to one far more wholesome and help ease Gonta’s concerns about his intelligence. “But hey, nice vocab work there buddy! You been practicing?”

“Thank you! Kiyo and Kokichi been helping a lot with new words.” (... Not the first two I’d trust with this.)

“Good on ya then, keep it up! But still be careful around them okay? And watch out for Kiyo’s “Sister”. She’s been telling Tenko and Angie a bunch of lies lately, so I don’t want her messing with you too.”

“Well fuckin’ duh. What the heck baldy, you going senile on us? Like Gonta’d ever fall for anything she says.” Kokichi snickered as he popped out from behind Gonta. “I mean seriously, it’s not even like he’ll be the one watching her. That’s my job! And she suuucks at this, it’s almost sad. At least Kiyo knows not to try.”

“Hey, who you calling bald?! Seriously, I’m like the LEAST bald guy here!”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause gluing some hair to your chin instantly means you have more of it than our two walking wig shops. C’mon, why else would you be geling it up to look that ridiculous?”

“Excuse you, just because you haven’t hit puberty yet doesn’t mean the rest of us haven’t. This is completely natural thank you very much! I know you’re just jealous of my style, no need to hide it.”

“Right! If Kokichi like Kaito’s hair he can say so. Just like if Kaito getting bald spot he no need to comb hair over it. Friends don’t judge!” (NOT YOU TOO GONTA!)

“I am not! There’s nothing to judge!”

“Oh really? That’s a change of pace, isn’t it?” A feminine voice came from behind Kaito, who immediately regretted his choice of words. He could practically feel that sick smug smile It had as It glared at his head.

“Indeed, that would be nice to hear.” Kiyo wistfully agreed. And with the moment of distraction gone that was Kaito’s cue to get the hell away from them head back.

“Wha- Well, whatever! Have fun on your double date, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Kaito teased as he gave Kiyo a pat on the shoulder and Kokichi a shove, earning him an eye-roll and the pest gagging himself respectively. Then he made his escape before he could suffer any consequences or embarrassment.

“Okay, we won’t, Gonta promise!” Gonta called as he waved gleefully back, much to Kokichi’s sputtering and the Thing’s jeers about Kaito’s normal behaviors.

A quick look at his Monopad after getting out of the simulation showed it was nearly nighttime as Kaede and Ryoma were already in the Tennis Pro’s lab so he rushed down as fast as he could. There couldn’t be a better chance to play a match, and with how things had been going Kaito couldn’t know if he’d have the chance again. (Even if this means interrupting a “moment” here. I mean, he probably won’t mind!)

It didn’t take long for him to catch up with them, and since his friend wasn’t a human tomato it looked like he had pretty good timing too. He tried to ignore the twinge of irritation he felt, writing it off as a holdover of his frustrations about how closed off the guy could be, as he got their attention.

“Hey~ Look who already beat me here. And you brought our audience, good of ya to not chicken out!”

“Ryoma, what did you rope me into?” Kaede asked, giving the guy a suspicious side glance.

“Somethin’ stupid,” Ryoma answered, but nevertheless nudged her in the direction of the nearest spotter’s seat. (Aww man, I forgot his lab had two of them. Wish there was someone else here to watch.)

Kaito shook the thought from his head before it could distract him from the moment at hand. With as much pep as he could muster he spelled things out for her. “You’re gonna be our ref!”

“You’re having a match already?! You could have given me some warning at least, I would have brought my pants if you did.” She grumbled and only then Kaito and Ryoma realized a potential problem here.

The spotter’s seat was obviously set higher than the top of the net. Since they basically ended training, she wasn’t dressed for exercise. And with how short her skirt was… (OH CRAP. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’t notice! I swear I won’t look! But hey if Ryoma does I’ll still cover for him.)

“So I just have to speak up if the ball lands outside the court?” Kaede asked, oblivious to the two flushed faces behind her as she reached the latter up to it. After both breathed a sigh of relief (not that her being seated would fix the problem per say) Kaito and Ryoma silently agreed and faced away from her. Just to be safe while she was climbing and all, even if this angle should have been okay until the top.

“Hello~ Earth to space cadets, I can’t be a referee if you guys don’t tell me how!”

“Uh, Yeah! If it bounces on the line you just need to make the call for if it’s legal or not! That sort of thing. Don’t worry about it too much, just go with your instincts!” Kaito nervously answered, and saw that the universe had deemed his stint in the sim punishment enough. With the way Kaede was seated his worries about things that must not be seen were unfounded! At least until she needed to get down.

“It’s really just so you can have a comfortable view for me wiping the floor with him,” Ryoma added.

With a laugh Kaito figured they were ready. “Can it and just serve a ball or something!”

To say Ryoma utterly decimated him was an understatement. There wasn’t a shred of mercy in that man’s eyes the few times Kaito had managed to see them before it was over. And that wasn't including any of the times Kaito purposely avoided the ball for fear of his safety. Surely he had shamed the Momota name for decades to come, and not even the depths of outer space would ever allow him to escape it.

“You can stop groveling on the floor you know. Jeez, why’s every guy here such a drama queen?”

Clearly Kaede had about as much mercy as Ryoma had. It was a dark day for humanity.

“Just leave him be. He’s prolly looking for what’s left of his ego down there. You can go on ahead.” Ryoma told her, heartless traitor that he was. (AND YOU WON’T EVEN OFFER TO WALK HER BACK?! THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT YOUR WINGMAN DUDE! No, I don’t care that he never actually took me up on that offer.)

Ryoma only raised an eyebrow when he noticed Kaito’s glower after she left. “I did warn you this would happen.”

“That’s not it, why’d you pass up on an opportunity like that again, man?! It was all set up for you.” Kaito complained, brushing his pants as he got to his feet. But he knew it wouldn’t keep Ryoma from asking his real question for long. A deal was a deal.

“I told you already, I’m not gonna pursue anything. So what’s really been going on with you?”

For a moment he was tempted to tell him everything. About his illness at least. Then, if worse came to worse, someone would be able to tell the others what happened. Maybe help soften the blow. Help explain why Kaito kept preferring to blame people who felt betrayed for their pain rather than the selfish assholes who broke their trust in the first place. But he couldn’t. As much as Kaito wanted to, he didn’t want to burden anyone else more, and he couldn’t find anything to say in place of the truth.

“It’s because of Maki, isn’t it?” Ryoma asked, encouraging Kaito to take a seat beside him on the floor.

With lack of a better answer, Kaito gave a non-committal shrug as he joined his friend, even though he had to tilt his head at a kinda awkward angle to look down at Ryoma like this.

Seeing as Kaito still didn’t have anything to say, Ryoma tried a different approach. “I ever tell you the story of how I got my cat?” He asked, knowing Kaito would shake his head no. With a wistful smile, he began.

“My girl from America got it for me. Sprung that sweet ol’ grey puffball on me on what I thought was just a normal date. “They said it was blue, so you both match!” she said. Easily one of the happiest moments of my life.” Ryoma scoffed for a moment. “‘Course it didn’t help that she picked the place, an aquarium, so anything would have been uphill from there. Can’t stand fish, but she adored ‘em. Especially sharks.”

Kaito gave a sympathetic chuckle. “Talk about whiplash then, huh?”

“Definitely. I was just lucky the poor little powderpuff was as spooked by those monsters as I was. Shortest trip we ever spent there.” He turned to face Kaito. “You know why I’m able to talk about this sort of stuff now?”

“Let me guess “Because I know she’s in a better place” or something sappy,” Kaito joked, and Ryoma didn’t seem the least bit impressed by it or his attempt to imitate the other’s deep voice for it. (As if we’d have any assurances like that with a girl like Maki anyway. Fuck.)

“Because I took the time to face what happened to her. Tell me, have you grieved for her yet or are you just trying to push and distract yourself from how you feel?”

“Come on, do you think she’d really like a guy crying over her? Totally uncool, a man shouldn’t do that.”

“Screw that garbage. The tough macho types are pretty uncool too, you know." Ryoma said with a look on his face that left little room for arguing or excuses. "You don’t need to cry to grieve for somebody if you physically can’t. I just want to know if you’ve done anything to help yourself.”

“You’re one to talk, it’s not like you’ve done much yourself from the looks of things-”

“I was the one that found her, Kaito. Don’t think for a second I was able to just immediately go and get you or anyone else. How could I? We both thought she was just running late that morning despite agreeing to meet up. I thought I’d be asking Kiyo if he saw her anywhere in case he spent an all-nighter, not… that.”

Kaito’d be lying if he said his throat wasn’t closing up at the memory, and he couldn’t imagine how much that must have hurt. But the benefit of that was he couldn’t say anything to lie about it in the first place. Ryoma must have seen his eyes begin to water some as he seemed more at ease than before.

“The trial’s one thing, but we’ve never talked about it after. Ignoring the pain won’t help here, I know. I tried, and instead it festered and look where that got me.” The Ultimate Prisoner continued to take the burden of speaking off Kaito for a bit longer. “It’s okay to vent. I’m here for you, we all are. We get it.”

“B-but…” Kaito didn’t want to think about how his voice cracked up before he tried again. “She didn’t get the chance to do it.” He wanted to ignore the burning tear-tracks he felt on his face as he spoke. “She hadn’t overcome her true enemy yet. And it looked like she was getting so close.”

“Monokuma? We weren’t that close-”

“Not that!” Kaito snapped, but it only made what he wanted to explain harder to say as he struggled to get enough air in him. “The same one you’re fighting. It looked like she was finally opening up a little.”

God, I hope he understands. They’ve always been their own worst enemies, trying to push everyone away. Thinking they aren’t good enough to have anyone close to them. Despite those morons were just making that harder for them, Maki still made good strides there. She accepted my invitation to the casino, she dragged Kaede into our training nights, she was doing so well and then she- She tried, and Kirumi still- “FUCK!”

Ryoma put a hand on his back, too short to reach his shoulder, as Kaito just screamed and punched the floor in front of him hard enough to hurt. “Yeah. Yeah, she was.”

For the longest time that was all there was to coherently say. Kaito didn’t know how late it was when he calmed back down to head to bed, but Ryoma stayed with him the whole time. A rock to rely on. But when the emotional waves receded, for now at least, Kaito was never more grateful to have him as a sidekick.

And for once that title almost feels right. ‘Cause who am I kidding? I know who’s the real hero here.

If I was we’d be fucked. When I go it’d leave too much of a hole behind me, like the aftermath of a supernova. I’m just the mentor here, and you don’t call their students “sidekicks”.

Still, to support me like this should also mean Ryoma should be okay if I go. And if he isn’t then he can see if Kokichi’s willing to share Kaede some. Thank goodness for her. Real shining star that one.

Worst come to worst I know these people are in good hands.

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sow-ay · 6 years

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"I wish I could" Here's a long blog post about having multiple passions, being frustrated because of that and having mental illness that makes me think negative all the time. I've already been asked to make reviews for books and to share it online to help the writers. It broke my heart but I had to say no because, first of all, I'm incredibly bad at writing articles and I'd put a lot of pressure on myself for that. I don't want to relapse into a depressive episode for a book I'd have to share with people. But that's also mostly because I'd get more demands for reviews and I don't want my account to be about reviews, I prefer sharing my own content. I feel so sorry because I know that would be amazing books by authors that need to be discovered by more people. But, I still think I can share great books I liked and discovered by myself ! Recently, I read in "Share your work" by Austin Kleon that people like to hear the stories behind the work. (but that book didn't taught me a lot besides this, I preferred his book "Steal like an artist"). So I'll share my stories with my drawings if that is okay with you. If not, just don't read it ! The book "How to be Everything" by Emilie Wapnick I finished helped me a lot ! Emilie taught (actually reminded) me that's it's okay to have several passions and to want to practice them all ! That not being the best at something doesn't mean you're mediocre. I'm fighting this thought everyday. That's a simple message but that helped me a lot ! And I also want to remind you that ! This book also reminded me that I simply wanted to create things. Various things in various areas. (get ready for a big talk) There's a little line from a song by Muse that's always in my mind. "I wish I could", from "Stockholm Syndrom" (my favourite Muse song on drums). And I feel like this sums up my entire life. Sometimes I'm thinking about getting it tattooed. This line is in my mind since I stopped school and since I was refused in art schools. I wish so hard I had more time and motivation for all of my passions. And also more money for these ! Passions can cost a lot. In time, energy and money. I feel so frustrated to not be able to make it all. And the internet keeps showing me people achieving a lot more. (or at least that's what my brain tells me). Maybe I just haven't found my balance yet. Or maybe I'm just a lazy mess. You'll see if you read, my thoughts are contradictory. I draw a lot and in various styles because I cannot choose one and love having various projects. I make comics and even self-published one about music, I write and want to make child's books, I try to get better at digital and speed painting to have beautiful illustrations on art shows and to make an amazing artbook someday. I'd also love to draw for music, for tattoos and tons of stuff ! I don't want to limit myself. I'm scared to limit myself. And at the same time scared to look too unstable by doing many things. That makes it harder to define what I do as a creative. I think I'm already bad enough at simply talking, I don't want to add difficulty to this. Oh, and I try to share my thoughts and emotions through that ! That's the only thing that quite works for me when I want to express myself. Also, I'm trying to make a living out of that, I have to admit I'm not at it yet, that's hard (mostly because of my mental illness) and I hope someday I'll success because my illness doesn't let me handle a "real job". I have no idea what to do if all of that doesn't work and that scares the shit out of me. I play drums in a little band with my friends every thursday and that's always one of my favourite moments of the week. I also love concerts. Music is really what makes me feel alive ! I tried a lot to make music on my own and wish I had more time/motivation for this. (I have some old stuff on soundcloud.com/forsakenstar). I bought a guitar 4 years ago because I wanted to own the one my character has in my drawings. It was an expensive one but I loved it, it's a beautiful one. So I started playing guitar for fun and stopped. I lacked patience because learning guitar is super hard. I admire you, dear guitar players ! (then I also I broke my arm and that's still not repaired so the voice in my head tells me that this broken arm thingy is just a damn excuse to not practice, and that I'm a lazy piece of..."). It was A LOT easier for me when I started drums. I also want to learn to play a bit of keyboard. Just a bit so I can feel better creating funny sounds. I already have the keyboard. I have ideas for videos. I already made little things for little work commissions with old coworkers and that always was tons of fun ! I posted some of my experiments on youtube and each time I see it was already some years ago, that kills me. It reminds me how time flies and how I wish I could do more. And how much time I've "wasted" not doing as much as I would like. I have bigger video projects ! But I can't make them because I don't have the locations I need. I bought a VERY EXPENSIVE camera 2 years ago because, I don't know why, I sometimes get crazy and buy stuff that costs a lot. Like the guitar, like the keyboard. (that's also in the cyclothymia symptoms but I don't know if that's just me or the illness) And I often regret it because I need the money for something more important. I've almost never used the camera. But I could use it for my video projects ! For one of the videos I'd like to make I need a big castle to play something with a rich princess. I have the princess (my sis', I'm lucky to have her to help me in my crazy projects, I sometimes call her "Dobby". Yeah, like the house elf. I bought her the pop figure and all!) but if someone here has this castle and would like to invite me, I'd be super happy !! .... (I try, who knows ?). For another one, that would be a musical, I need a choreographer, dancers, amazing musics..

All of that just seems impossible to me. I would also love to make more motion designs ! I tried to make little animations and a lyric video and I loved doing this, I wish I could do more of these ! That's something simple but maybe someday bands will ask me to do that ! I need to practice a bit more before that ! (I'll maybe propose to do some for a really cheap price or something like that to practice more) I also wish I could animate more videos with my drawings ! I tried little stuff like making a character talk or walk and, even if that took time for a little thing, that was fun. Maybe I could try making an animation of that princess or musical project ! Or not. Making a full short film takes years of practice.

I spent TONS of hours learning a bit of all of that. And must still learn a lot in all of these areas. I tried them all. Loved them all. But I end up frustrated because there's so much to do that I get lost ! I always wish I could do more. If I'd have spent that time doing one thing, I'd be a god at it ! And I'm alone in all those projects. I'm so alone and selfish in my projects that I want to do everything by myself. If I wanted to make a full movie. I'd be the director, producer, musician, actor, make the scenario, film it, edit it, ... How could I do that ? How can I be this stupid ? I'm scared to share my projects. If I do share, let's say, a video project, would that make me a director for it ? Woaw, that's so cool ! But I suck, I can't direct something. I've never done that. How could I tell people what to do ? My mental ghost tells me the people I'll share that with will think I'm a pretentious mess making a project that sucks. And that the finished project will suck. Because I lack experience. ("But you never get experience if you don't try !" "yeah I know how stupid my thoughts are and how they manipulate me") I hate giving orders to people. I'd be like "okay, do this your way" even if I know in which way I want it to be. I did this some times. And I always end up frustrated. I'd be a bad director making bad stuff because of that. Why bothering ? That's why I keep my projects to myself. I know how I want it to be, I know I'm not good enough at it, I sometimes still try to make it and I only have myself to blame. Sometimes, I wish I could duplicate myself. Yeah, good idea, to duplicate the self-hate and frustration. Sometimes I regret no having been to school just for the experiment I would've got in group projects. I often tell myself that I should discipline myself a lot more to find a way and time to make it all. Or at least more. I should get more productive everyday. I MUST get more productive every day ! Why am I complaining and not actually DOING IT ?? *$^)_"*ù^. In the end, is that a matter of time or motivation ? Maybe all of that can fit in a week. Maybe I can find a way to enjoy my passions and make a living out of my drawings. But my other voice tells me that I'm too ambitious and that I cannot really do all of this. How could I do all of that and have a pay every month ? That's ridiculous. I always feel that all of my personal work is a waste of energy as I can't even have enough money to live every month. Would people still follow me if I share tons of various stuff ? Won't I annoy them with content they don't want ? (maybe some of you will say no) But can I do all of that ? I don't know. Damn. Can't I just shut up and do more ?? Can't I just stop thinking like that ? Unfortunately, a lot of the time I wish I had ends up eaten by my mental illness. Welcome into my head ! My brain ALWAYS thinks negatively. Even if I have an ambitious project, my brain will show me only how pointless it is and how that will fail. That's what the illness does. Sometimes it's so strong that I depress and cannot do anything for days. I fight the idea that I suck every minute of every day. And being a "jack of all trades" is hard because you don't have ONE thing to remind you that you're good at it. And I try to fight that everyday through my projects. Every thing I create is a little victory. So I want to do more and more and more and more [...]. I want to share more with people. I know I shouldn't be that hard on myself. But I just don't know how not to be. My mental illness feels like an excuse. After all that time, I still don't believe I'm ill and just think I suck. Well, that's it. Maybe you understand my frustration now. Or maybe just think (like I do) that I should shut up and work more. Sorry about this long post. I'll probably regret writing this in 2 days. If you read all of this, you get 15% more awesome !! (and sorry if I made mistakes !)

#artist #multipotentialite #jack of all trades #art

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cuteandtwisted · 6 years

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hi wiss! not a prompt but i just read your birthday fic for Even and I found it so touching how you treat his MI with so much care. i don't mean to intrude but do you have an MI? it sometimes sounds like you speak from experience. Do you or someone close to you have a mental illness? and what did Even teach YOU?

Hmm. That’s an interesting question. Interesting because I don’t really know., because I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to answer it. Also it’s 8am and I still haven’t slept/been stranded in airports after 3 flights. And I’m typing this on my phone. It’s funny how I always leak and ramble about myself when I’m exhausted.

Long story short: I’ve never seen a therapist and my mental state is based on what I think I know/things I read. It’s all in my head pretty much, which I realize is the same as assessing yourself physically without going to an actual Doctor. Mental illness was always so taboo in my culture growing up. It was considered a curse, an impairment, a sign of weakness of character or of bad karma. And it didn’t only speak for you and your deeds. It also spoke for your entire family. Mental illness was something we only heard about but never got to live through. It was that thing that happened to others or to that one obscure/distant family member. It wasn’t exactly real and it wasn’t nuanced either. It was a death sentence so to speak. It was an ending in and of itself.

My first direct exposure to someone with a mental illness was to my uncle. He’s my father’s youngest brother and we’re barely 10 years apart. What’s most vivid about him in my childhood memories are his height, his silky hair, his talent for drawing, although he’s never had any training, and his tendency to smoke too many cigarettes and drink too many cups of black coffee. He also happened to be schizophrenic and delirious. His symptoms started around the time his parents got a divorce and his father (aka my grandpa) got married to one of his students (i know. Wtf). He got misdiagnosed and his meds fucked with his mind a lot. He never got to finish school or pursue his dream to be an artist. I’m always sad when I think of him because he is the perfect example of someone who could have been helped but who was cursed, not by his pained mind, but by society’s stigma. He always kisses my forehead when he sees me and it always breaks my heart when I remember how scared I used to be of him when I was younger. It wasn’t my fault, I later realized. Everyone around me kept telling me that i was to feel afraid. I often hear about him ending up at the police station and at the hospital, and I often heard my grandmother complain about how he ruined her life with his sickness. Terrifying, isn’t it? It doesn’t encourage anyone who might be feeling inadequate to ever speak up.

I personally started to feel /weird/ when I reached the age of 13/14. My parents said I read books I wasn’t supposed to have read when I was younger and that it messed with my thoughts and my mind. I loved philosophy, still do. Questioning my own existence became a thing I practiced religiously. At one point I was convinced I had superpowers and that I could escape reality whenever I wished to. Sometimes, it was pleasant but not really. Like being tickled. It makes you laugh but you don’t necessarily enjoy the loss of control. I thought I could control it, but then I realized that it was controlling me. Sometimes it was terrifying because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and Google wasn’t extremely helpful either. Later I realized that I was experiencing depersonalization/derealization and that I wasn’t that special. Recoiling into one’s mind to the point of no longer being able to perceive reality was something many others experienced. I was almost disappointed to learn that I wasn’t special.

I went through some terrible experiences around that time and my moods started fluctuating. I would go from elated to extremely down, never leaving my room. My parents were constantly traveling so they didn’t really notice. It didn’t help that I was an extremely proud, reserved, contrary, and cunning teenager. My mind was my best asset and I used to my advantage. Another thing that duped most was my ability to pretend that I was fine all the time. I could be crippled with sorrow and still have a smile plastered across my face. I could entertain groups of 10 for hours then go home and cry until sleep found me. I was proud, stubborn, ‘strong’. And strong people didn’t admit to feeling weak and needing to just sleep it off sometimes.

At one point, I convinced myself that I was bipolar. I even wrote it in my diary and my anonymous blogs back then. I didn’t know much about it. I just knew that my mood swings and my depersonalization episodes had to be attributed to something. Again, i never saw a therapist, so it was all BS. I also never splurged to the point of mania. (However, I do spend money recklessly sometimes. I do jump on flights at the last moment, buy the most stupid shit just for the heck of it, shove my tongue down strangers’ throats just to feel something, drink until I’m blind and throwing up against walls. I do feel larger than life sometimes, slightly invincible, convinced I’m special and have some insight into human nature, convinced i can see right through people and read their minds. I have my moments. But don’t we all?

I also do feel down sometimes to the point of not leaving my bed for days, ignoring everyone’s calls and messages, and just curling around myself in the dark. I do. I do. But don’t we all?

Control and pride are all I have, however. So you won’t find me whining about my feelings or my mood swings in real life.)

I kept entertaining my self-diagnosis and remained convinced I was bipolar until I first met a diagnosed bipolar person at the age of 17. I didn’t know he was bipolar back then, just that people called him ‘crazy’ and a ‘fucking liar’. I knew him as my boyfriend’s best friend/neighbor. I thought he hated me for the longest time. I even imagined that he was secretly gay and in love with my boyfriend. But he wasn’t. I asked him point blank why he hated me one day and he replied with “i don’t. I’m actually in love with you.” I still remember that day so vividly. My boyfriend and I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

My bf and I eventually broke up, after which he got shipped to another city, but I maintained my weird friendship with his best friend/neighbor. He transferred to my school when we were juniors and I took it upon myself to introduce him to people and show him around. He walked me home on Friday afternoons and made me playlists which we listened to on his iPod. We shared his earphones as we walked to my house. He started writing me poems and posting them on facebook. He called me his 'colombe’ which translates to 'his dove’ and he became fixated on me to the point of following me in the streets when I was out with friends. I remember the night he stood outside of a McDonalds with a cigarette between his lips staring at me through the window. I started feeling scared. I rejected his advances and his poems were dark and accusatory now.

He came to school with a bandaged wrist once and i was afraid of asking him what happened. My english teacher pulled me aside at the end of class that day and asked me if it was true that I had pushed him down the stairs and caused his wrist injury. I denied it because it wasn’t and i started feeling slightly terrified. The guy left a note in my bag that day and stopped me during recess to ask me to not open it until i got home.

I opened it as soon as I finished an exam early and went outside waiting for everyone else to come out. It was dark and chilly. It was November. The note he wrote me was another poem and it was written in ?blood? I was shocked and I questioned it as much as I could. It could have been red nail polish. It could have been anything. But why do this to me? Why? I didn’t understand. He came out of the school and i snapped and it was just the two of us in the dark. He had followed me outside but i was so angry and confused that i failed to see that it was just us two now. I asked him what the hell was going on and he said that he cut himself because of me and of how i treated him and that he wrote me a poem with his blood. I think i might have called him crazy. I don’t remember. I was experiencing shock in its purest form so I don’t remember everything I said.

And then he hit me. He shoved me hard against the wall and he hit me across the face, then he said that he loved me and that I didn’t understand. I still remember how the blow felt like nothing. The worst had already happened. I internalized that hit so much, and perhaps I still do. I was tiny compared to him. I can fight people, but I was shocked by how utterly powerless I was at that moment. My limbs had just stopped functioning. And to this day I still find it hard to let my guards down around men or anyone physically capable of overpowering me. Biology, and all. My best friend came out of nowhere and a fight broke because he had me pressed against a wall. Then we all went home. I never told anyone that he hit me that night. I was too proud. I still can’t believe that it’s something that happened to me.

I cut my bangs to the side that night to hide my bruise, and thankfully I have brown complexion so it wasn’t that bad. I avoided him like the plague after that, even when he crawled back to me begging for forgiveness. He later sent me long messages explaining his diagnosis and his bipolar and how he had developed an ‘obsession’ with me, how it wasn’t really him doing those things. But I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him. Being mentally ill doesn’t condone shitty behavior, it doesn’t condone physically assaulting someone. I don’t know. He traumatized me.

I developed some sort of stigma after that. I was kind of like S3 Isak (which is why i think the show changed me so fucking much) I 'chose’ to stay away from 'mentally ill people’ to 'protect myself’.

The guy in question did continue being a shitty person until everyone around town knew to avoid him. He played girls and called them sluts and lied about everything and everyone and he was just pretty horrible. And it took me some time to understand that it wasn’t because he was bipolar. It was simply because he was an asshole.

I did develop empathy for him later on when I stopped being so angry and blaming myself for everything all the time. I guess I realized that some have it harder than others? Maybe his shitty behavior was a byproduct of how he had been treated so far? Maybe it was his only outlet, his only way of lashing out against the world for 'inconveniencing’ him with an imbalanced brain? I don’t know. But i forgive him now. Because I’m sure he wasn’t always terrible. I’m sure he has lived through his fair share of horrible things. I’m sure those weeks he spent in bed were daunting. I’m sure people weren’t always gentle with him. I forgive him but i will never forget. Because some people go through hell and still choose to be kind. Because what he did, using his bipolar to justify his awful actions, is selfish and only perpetuates the stigma around bipolar.

I guess this is why SKAM changed my life so drastically? The only depiction of bipolar i had been exposed to was from this guy who traumatized me and all the crap on TV that either romanticized it or simply turned it into a trope and showed people who suffer from it as helpless and completely delirious with no chance of ever leading a normal life. I’m grateful for SKAM because not only did it erase my previous biased and erroneous views which were influenced by a rather unfortunate event, but it also made me do research and read about it and learn more. I fell in love with Even and his mind and his kindness and all the love he has in him. Life can throw crap at you, but you can still choose to be kind. And that’s what Even and his story taught me. Mental illness is not a death sentence and you can still be loved and happy

Back to your question, I guess, I still haven’t paid a visit to a therapist lol. I’m scared i might find out something about myself that i won’t like. I’m scared of being called out on my bullshit. I’m scared of leaking like a broken faucet. I get dizzy thinking about some of the crap I went through and I sometimes think it’s better left in pandora’s box, that it’s better to keep the lid on. I don’t know. Sometimes my life feels like some really badly written CW show. But I’m still happy with where I am today. Always. One day i’ll organize my thoughts and write something meaningful about the storms in my mind. But until then, i’ll borrow the voice of fictional characters to work through some of my personal experiences.

Sorry about the rambling. I’m SO angry at Delta airlines right now. I had to channel that anger into something else haha.

#ask #personal #tw: ableism #tw: self harm

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variety-in-novels-students-blog · 6 years

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Mental Illness and Authors

First of all, I would like to give a definition of depression cited from the website American Psychiatric Association:

“Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

Feeling sad or having a depressed mood

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed

Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting

Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

Loss of energy or increased fatigue

Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)

Feeling worthless or guilty

Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions

Thoughts of death or suicide

Symptoms must last at least two weeks for a diagnosis of depression.

Also, medical conditions (e.g., thyroid problems, a brain tumor or vitamin deficiency) can mimic symptoms of depression so it is important to rule out general medical causes.

Depression affects an estimated one in 15 adults (6.7%) in any given year. And one in six people (16.6%) will experience depression at some time in their life. Depression can strike at any time, but on average, first appears during the late teens to mid-20s. Women are more likely than men to experience depression. Some studies show that one-third of women will experience a major depressive episode in their lifetime.”

(https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression)

Apart from the above-mentioned definition, there are several interesting facts about depression. One of them is that writing is one of the professions in which people are most likely to suffer from depression. Artists and writers are among the most vulnerable of professionals due to irregular pay and isolation which contribute to the propensity for writers to succumb to depression.

Also novelist Simon Brett, who has acknowledged his own struggles with depression, agreed with the content and symptoms of depression. “You spend long hours sitting on your own," he said. "Writing can be wonderful therapy, but you are digging into yourself, and if you are writing fiction and creating characters, a certain amount of self-examination and self-doubt is inevitable." “Many writers are also introverted, quiet people, and find it stressful to have their work assessed publicly”, Brett added. Simon believes that there are specific points in the novel-writing cycle when authors are particularly vulnerable. "Almost every writer I know goes through the same reaction after a novel is finished – there are 24 hours of euphoria and then all the negative thoughts you have shut out while finishing it come out, and either you get drunk or depressed or get the flu.”

Now I want to name and compare several writers who suffered from depression. Most of the authors wrote down and announced their feelings and moods in their books.

The first one is Sylvia Plath. In one of her books, she writes:

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of 'parties' with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter — they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship — but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” — The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

In these lines, she emphasizes especially on loneliness and the dark inside a human mind. Sylvia Plath's experience of depression was so deeply a part of her work that it's hard to disentangle them. She wrote honestly about the disorder and inner demons, which might were the reasons why she ended her life at the age of 30.

Another person who suffered from depression is the well-known author Tennessee Williams. In his book “The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore”, Williams argues:

“We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it." — The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore

Playwright Williams, who also wrote classics like A Streetcar Named Desire, suffered depression all his life, battled drug and alcohol addiction, and was briefly institutionalized in 1969. In his above-mentioned lines, he highlighted his dilemma, stating that you have no other choice to break out and cannot escape from life, that there is “no way out”.

Also J.K. Rowling was a victim of depression. Rowling's life was not that easy as some may think. She was an unemployed mother with lots of problems and suddenly became a billionaire who writes bestsellers, but she's been frank about the severe depression underlying her experience. In an interview with the Times (UK) in 2000, Rowling declared:

“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced...It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it's a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.“

The most interesting thing is that Rowling wrote her famous series of Harry Potter not in spite of her depression, but due to it. She also created dementors which are perfect symbolism for depression and are a brilliant aid in understanding what it actually feels like to be depressed.

There are several causes, which are not definitively proven, why writers tend to struggle with depression so much. However, there a few speculative guesses.

- Writing is quite often a solitary life. Writers sit in their office or bedroom with their laptop. They invent worlds and characters, while the real world with its real characters continues outside. But they are probably so wrapped up in those fictional worlds and characters that they don’t make the time to meet real people.

- Isolation like that can have a crushing effect on a lot of people. Some people thrive on it, but humans on the whole are a social bunch and need to interact with others. When that isn’t possible, it’s easy to feel that the walls are closing in.

- Lack of sleep, lack of exercise, lack of human contact, and lack of natural light are all factors that can develop into something much more serious.

- Since writing is so hard, it is very easy to get dispirited and to tell yourself that the whole project is hopeless. Especially when you get rejection slips from editors and harsh criticism from reviewers, your family and friends.

Nevertheless, there are lots of ways to beat depression. But most importantly: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

“- Get in a routine. If you’re depressed, you need a routine. Depression can strip away the structure from your life. One day melts into the next. Setting a gentle daily schedule can help you get back on track.

- Set goals. When you're depressed, you may feel like you can't accomplish anything. That makes you feel worse about yourself. To push back, set daily goals for yourself. This can, for example, be that you are simply doing the dishes.

- Exercise. It temporarily boosts feel-good chemicals called endorphins. It may also have long-term benefits for people with depression. Regular exercise seems to encourage the brain to rewire itself in positive ways.

- Get enough sleep. Depression can make it hard to get enough shut-eye, and too little sleep can make depression worse. What can you do? Start by making some changes to your lifestyle. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Try not to nap. Take all the distractions out of your bedroom -- no computer and no TV.”

(https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/natural-treatments#1)

After all, there are many books which deal with depression and are worth reading them, either in the case of an own depression or just to see how a person with depression feels or thinks. Here is a list:

Ø Shades of blue by Amy Ferris

Ø Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson

Ø Feeling good - The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns

Ø Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari

Ø The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon

Ø The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris

Ø The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Ø Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

Ø The Silver Linings Playbook by Matthew Quick

Ø Impulse by Ellen Hopkins

Considering our mentioned quote from the introduction’s headline, one must appreciate that people with depression are also humans and not weird people as some might think. Lots of people cannot understand why people with depression behave different; they often want them just to pull themselves togehther. But it is not that easy. Most importantly, depressives deserve the same respect, happiness and fairness as others without depression do. Try to make them smile again - because it can also affect you or your beloved ones. ~ written by admin J

#depression #depressed #anxiety #mental illness #disorder #help #books about depression #beat depression #authors with depression #writers with depression #reasons for depression #representation #diverse representation #Novel #Author

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nate-gibson · 4 years

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TCP

Week 1

1. What is the cultural context of what you see in the image? 2. What technologies are apparent in the image? 3. What creative practices can you name in the context of this image? Vincent Fournier Tokyo Storm Sewer System #1, [Saitama], Japan

1. Cultural context. Vast construction that is unknown to the majority of the population that protects them in case of natural disasters. 2. Apparent technologies. Architecture, engineering, construction. 3. Creative practices. Photography(wide-angle lens), conveying scale by comparing human sizing to the environment, creating safety in preparation for worst-case scenarios (emergency prevention).

Reginald Van de Velde

Inside the belly of an active cooling tower: billions of water drops fall down while releasing heat to the environment.

1. Cultural context. Man-made contraption using/taking from the environment to further human progression. 2. Apparent technologies. Architecture, engineering, construction, cooling systems. 3. Creative practices. Photography(wide-angle lens), creating depth within a confined space to create the illusion of inception while being inside a structure that is known for having negative effects on the environment (finding beauty in something that is destructive).

Irene Kung

IAC Gehry NY

1. Cultural context. Ever improving designs become more and more alien from their predecessors. 2. Apparent technologies. design, architecture, engineering. 3. Creative practices. Photography(Long shot), taking a modern building and changing its environment to create an alien/dreamy experience. Taking the structure from its environment shows the technological advancement of society (human progression through environment change).

Week 2 acquired from Matt due to absence.

Israel Randall Light installation

1. Cultural context. How opinions can vary based on perspective. 2. Apparent technologies. LED Lighting. 3. Creative practices. Use of space and lighting to create multiple perspectives for one installation. portraying how experiences/events can have separate meanings for each individual through their perspective and misinformation (space and lighting to create different atmospheres/perspectives).

Talia Smith Surfacing, 2020 Mixed media installation

1. Cultural context. The subjectiveness of modern art. 2. Apparent technologies. Painting, replica art. 3. Creative practices. Mixed media installation. The portrayal of how pieces of art can having varying depth per person because of their beliefs/interests. Represents how modern art can take a simplistic object and be viewed as a masterpiece (anything can be art).

Cora-Allan Wickliffe & Kelly Lafaiki Our last supper with you revised, 2020 hiapo

1. Cultural context. Niue influence, family history, ancestry, expressionism. 2. Apparent technologies. Hiapo (Niuean barkcloth). 3. Creative practices. Revitalization of an almost forgotten art form. The artist who “likes to examine and explore representations of Indigenous people through her work.” (Exploring her cultures heritage through a modernized representation).

Week 3

Body: Blue light-sensitive contact lenses Purpose: Contact lenses primarily aimed at the reduction of blue light intake whilst also granting protection from sun/light damage. As contact lenses were the next step from normal glasses why not do the same thing with sunglasses/blue light protection glasses. So why not create/encourage semi-permanent eyewear with multiple purposes around eye protection. Connection to IoT: It is a step towards increasing our tolerance towards technology as well as overall eye care. Inspired by: Blue light protection glasses, sunglasses, and contact lenses. Futurama episode that rips off the iPhone.

Smart home:

WaterMP Purpose: Adjustable water settings that remove the time required to heat/cool water. Instead of being required to manually adjust water temperature while using it, I propose having x amount of programmable/adjustable heat settings that dictate the temperature before running water. This product would replace the need for taps and provide customization temperatures without the heat up time often required.

Connection to IoT: Increasing comfort by removing common products and replacing them with advanced technology.

Inspiration: Kettle, smart fridge.

Smart City: Construction Tracker Purpose: Construction site tracker aimed at reducing traffic. Construction hinders traffic leading to delays in our daily life. Traffic can be tracked and planned around while construction sites are yet to be made easily trackable for the masses. It would be more effective to program an app/ add to pre-existing traffic based apps that openly shows where and how to avoid construction zones as well as the time till completion. This will reduce traffic and create an easy way to record the progression of construction sites. This should be run by higher-ups in-charge or directly related to construction site arrangements but could just as easily have a feature that allows people who have the app to contribute to the position and length of construction zones. Connection to IoT: Tracking progression of repairs as well as maximizing traffic efficiency. Inspiration: Power outage tracker, traffic congestion trackers.

Week 4

1. What areas in your field of interest or usage in regards to technology, that you can identify potential current or future ethical or design bias issues? (identify at least one) 2. What are those issues specifically?

Field of interest: Game Development

Disabilities for commercial gain Games, especially in the horror genre, can use mental illnesses/physical impairments as a theme to base their story around, over-exaggerating the symptoms and illnesses themselves mainly for entertainment purposes. Games can use these illnesses in a positive way by addressing misconceptions, spreading awareness, and promoting acceptance but its still clear that the majority purely use them for entertainment adding to the misconceptions created for the illnesses which not only impact those who live with these illnesses self-image and willingness to seek help but also how people view and treat them.

To state it specifically the ethical issue here is: The number of games and even films and general media that spread misconceptions about mental illnesses causing a skewed view of those who live with such illnesses. Image taken from Outlast: The mentally ill are portrayed as unstable and dangerous enemies that you spend the game murdering.

Pay-to-win Mobile games have changed from funny time-wasters to “socially accepted scams'' where you are coerced into spending real-world money. The concept of pay to win is often associated with these types of games as purchasing in-game currency is often required to fully experience the game. Commonly there are two sets of currency: one achieved in-game through completing tasks and the other purchased through real-world money. The in-game currency amounts to little within the game while the purchasable currency could be used for great leaps in progress that would take normal players considerably longer. This issue does not only apply to mobile games as it is arguably worse for pc/console games, but the reason I chose to talk about the mobile game is that this increase in pay to win has had a noticeable impact on the quality of mobile games. To state it specifically the ethical issue here is: The increase in mobile games requirements to purchase currency. Image taken from Clash of Clans: This shows the cost of purchasing in-game currency and also how that in-game currency can be used to buy other in-game currency.

#ctec609

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thetimeoftomorrow · 6 years

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For Kim Jong-hyun

We lost someone because we were blinded. Let’s change that. Let’s make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I have a lot of things to say, but I don’t even know where to start. Saying sorry feels too late, while wishing him peace doesn’t sound quite right. But the worst, the worst thing anyone can do, is to keep silent and not take action.

I could go on about how I was a Shawol, still am even as I fell out of the Kpop scene. Talk about how Shinee was the first Kpop group I fell for. Write about how at the age of 14 I listed all the things they taught me. Say how their songs wiped away my tears at my hardest moments. Pay tribute to an artist who was, is a legendary musician.

Except that would do fucking nothing to change the events that have already unfolded.

Because mental health is not a joke. Mental illnesses, the pain and suffering of it is relative. Just because someone’s pain is not equivalent to your own scale does not mean it is irrelevant. The Kpop industry is a toxic one, and the Korean society, if we’re being brutally honest, is not a saint. It is not forgiving, it is not “cool”. What it is, is a conservative, reserved society, that prizes beauty and perfection above all else.

So here are some information on the fucking problems fans/people need to know about South Korea and suicide.

1) South Korea has the second highest suicide rate in the world according to WHO (World Health Organisation). It consists of mainly the elderly and young adults/students.

2) The reason for elderly suicides in South Korea is mainly due to the suffering from wide-spread poverty, with half of South Korea’s elderly below the poverty line.

3) Student suicide is because of the competitive nature of South Korea’s education system. One example is the CSAT (College Scholastic Ability Test). Many suicides usually occur after the results day/during the examination period. Basically if you don’t do well, you’re not going to get into a good university and are thus unable to find jobs, as employment in South Korea is very bad. Many students in turn are addicted to Hagwon(s), private after-hours tutoring academies, and this is so fatal that South Korea has a law forbidding studying after 10pm.

4) In South Korea, mental illness is treated as a taboo in society. They are usually looked down upon, and it destroys the reputation of the family who thus discourage those suffering from seeking treatment. Majority of suicide victims (90%) may be diagnosed with a mental disorder, but only 15% receive (proper) medical treatment. In South Korea itself, over 2,000,000 people suffer from depression annually, and only 15,000 seek regular treatment. Such negative stigma in turn means that there is a lack of awareness, and symptoms can go unnoticed.

5) In South Korea, public image and reputation is everything. Beauty is incredibly prized in South Korea just like wealth and education. They hold immense pride in personal appearance, which is why 1 in every 5 receive public surgery. South Korea also has the highest ratio of plastic surgery per capital, and when someone does not meet the standards of society, they are judged, ridiculed and isolated.

And because I’m sure there are some fuckers who are going to deny that this is true (even with statistics right there), allow me to compile some of the more visible Kpop idol ones for you. You can go research at your own damn time and filter through the negativity and toxic-ness of the Korean society/entertainment industry.

1) Park Bom from 2ne1 The “controversial” news that she was taking and smuggling drugs. Except South Korea’s media had casually left out the fact that they were prescribed medication (amphetamines to be exact) by a U.S. Physician for Bom’s trauma, depression and anxiety that were only illegal in South Korea.

(There’s also speculation about how CEO YG and his brother has lost majority shares over YG Ent., and how Bom’s scandal was blown up just after one of South Korea’s political scandal as a cover up. But hey, I’m sure the board of directors don’t care about profits and really take care of their artists’ mental health :D)

https://www.dramafever.com/news/the-truth-behind-2ne1s-park-boms-drug-scandal-/

2) Kyla from Pristin The 15 year old maknae of the iconic girl group Pristin is not as slim as expected of Korean idols or her group mates. This has caused her to received numerous attention from the South Korean public to lose weight or leave, as she is a “visual hole”. She is currently on hiatus with her family in the U.S. as the doctor has stated that her “health” is deteriorating.

(There’s actually more about how some people say she’s going for liposuction in the U.S. or how Pledis made her gain weight and she’s now losing it so that it’ll be sensational news but hey what’s fucking new from South Korea? I mean, there’s no way that she’s just eating and being a normal healthy 15 y/o :D)

https://www.allkpop.com/article/2017/09/pristin-kylas-figure-sparks-debate-about-the-ideal-size-of-female-idols

3) Sulli previously from F(X) A girl that was once beloved as a visual of F(X), but was badgered down by numerous comments that were malicious and hurtful. Taking a hiatus in 2014, Sulli left the group a year later, but even then South Korean netizens continued to bash the girl, exhausting her mentally.

(And then you have people who say the hate is because she dated Choiza which brings us to the whole other topic on personal vs professional life and sasaengs. Google up what they say about her, maybe look at the eel photo she posted on instagram, or the one where she didn’t wear a bra, or maybe the one where she was making a funny face and they called her retarded. But hey, not that it’s hurtful for any fucking person :D)

https://www.allkpop.com/article/2014/07/fxs-sulli-to-take-a-temporary-hiatus-from-her-activities-red-light-promotions-revealed-to-have-come-to-an-end

And in case some people are haters, the ‘but hey’ part is sarcastic you dunderheads.

Also, because there are so fucking many, here’s a few more people that you can google up on their struggles for a lot of things instead.

Alive (Cause it’s a fucking Miracle):

Junhyeok previously from Day6

GD from Big Bang

Suga from BTS

Hansol previously from Topp Dogg

Han Seo Hee a trainee under SM (dongsaeng of Jonghyun)

Passed:

Lee Eun-ju (Actress, 24 y/o, 2005)

U;Nee (Singer, 25 y/o, 2007)

Choi Jin-sil (Actress, 39 y/o, 2008)

Kim Da-ul (Model, 20 y/o, 2009)

Jang Ja-yeon (Actress, 26 y/o, 2009)

Woo Seung-yeon (Model, 25 y/o, 2009)

But of course, there are a lot more. There are a lot more deaths, a lot more tears, a lot more issues that we have to discuss. But discussion is that step forward. It doesn’t matter it it touches on mental health, sexuality, racism; what’s important is that there’s awareness. Because when there’s awareness there is understanding and where there is understanding there are people getting the help they need and surviving, living. This is what Jonghyun would have wanted. His decision to ask his friend to publish his statement was so that everyone could have a wake up call.

So wake the fuck up and stop being insensitive or uncaring. Because this may trigger a bunch of suicides and you don’t even know it.

Help before it’s too late.

PS: If anyone would like to add to the list or if some information is incorrect please let me know. I’m upset so I may have missed some things. Also, I understand that you may disagree in terms of opinions, but I’m sure you would agree with me that they don’t deserve to die. If you would like to argue this point, please say it out loud to yourself the words “They deserve to die” to understand how much of a fucking dick you are.

#Kpop industry #South Korea #Mental Health #Mental health in 5 words #kim jonghyun #SHINee #shinee world #shawol #depression #suicide

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