#we broke up in 2018 got back together for a bit in 2019 and then broke up again at the end of that year | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

foxes-that-run · 7 months

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Two Ghosts

In 5 - 7 minutes of Behind the Album there is footage of Harry working on the melody, lyrics and recording two ghosts in Jamaica in late 2016. He goes on to moving from 1D where his personal life was overexposed and wanting to write music that was successful without people knowing about his personal life. He has made a similar comment to Rolling Stone “I don’t know much about Van Morrison’s life, but I know how he felt about this girl, because he put it in a song. So I like working the same way.”

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When was it written

On it's release in May 2017 Harry said it was written “almost 4 years ago now”. in Summer 2013, Midnight Memories had his first writing credits, Happily and Something Great, Style was not written then. While possible, Two Ghosts is more mature. I think he thought he “wrote too many songs about” her and changed the time.

By 2019 he'd moved on and he told Rolling Stone it was written for Made in the AM. (Summer, 2015.) That places it with Walking on the wind, if I could fly, Olivia and Perfect, which also refer to 1989. FTDT and Woman are the same period, but don’t have lyrics that ID them like two ghosts.

To me, Two Ghosts is about reflecting on a lost love. The premise os the song reflects the Style MV which has Harry and Taylor shot in a ghostly way. The Style MV was released Valentines Day 2015, the anniversary of them getting together in 2014.

It has only been played live once since 2018, on Valentines Day 2020, further indicated it may have been written on Valentines Day 2015. Harry choose it over Golden when promoting Fine Line on Radio 2's Valentines Show in 2020, (16 mins), the only time it's been played in 4 years now. Harry also played Joni Mitchell’s yellow taxi which Joni tweeted about the anniversary of.

1D was in Australia, HS was flat. Style was #6, named after him and with footage is intentionally reminiscent. Even more interesting that we never saw the Two Ghosts MV, though Taylor referenced it in Me!'s.

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On holding it back to be Solo

From Rolling Stone: "Sometimes if you’re, like, telling a really personal story, then the voice changes every few lines; it doesn’t quite do the same thing. As the songs got more personal, I think I just became more aware that at some point there might be a moment where I would want to sing it myself.”

"A turning point was “Two Ghosts,” a ballad from his solo debut. “’Two Ghosts’ I wrote for the band, for Made in the A.M. But the story was just a bit too personal. As I started opening up to write my more personal stuff, I just became aware of a piece of me going, ‘I want to sing the whole thing.’ Now I look at a track list and these are all my little babies. So every time I’m playing a song, I can remember writing it, and exactly where we were and exactly what happened in my life when I wrote it."

Questions on who it’s about

Nick Grimshaw asked Harry (at 4:38) if it was about Taylor. Media trained, 5 year seasoned TS question dodger, Harry had an adorable reaction. He and Nick are friends, he’s being coy and laughing, answering “I think it’s pretty self explanatory” adding “I think it’s about, sometimes things change, and you can do all the same things, and sometimes it’s just different, you know? 2017, Philosopher, London, England.” Then he laughs and dances around.

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Lyrics

Same lips red, same eyes blue Same white shirt, couple more tattoos But it's not you and it's not me Tastes so sweet, looks so real Sounds like something that I used to feel But I can't touch what I see

The song clearly references Style, the music video for which was filmed in November 2014 while they were together and released in February 2015 after they broke up while he was in Australia.

The video is meant to be something he used to feel, that looks real but he can’t touch. It shows Taylor and Harry-stand-in with projections, playing with light and it’s interspersed with home video footage. The footage is thought to be shot in part by Harry, or at least wearing outfits she was pictured with him in.

We're not who we used to be We're not who we used to be We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

In the chorus moves from the reminder of the Video to the memory. Reflecting on looking at an idealised version of his relationship that’s now broken up and he’s grieving.

Taylor had referred to Harry as a ghost in How You Get The Girl “Stand there like a ghost shaking from the rain”

The fridge light washes this room white Moon dances over your good side And this was all we used to need Tongue-tied like we've never known Telling those stories we already told 'Cause we don't say what we really mean

In the second verse Harry reflects on their downfall, a lack of communication.

Taylor refers to herself as tongue-tied in Message in a bottle on Red “and I became hypnotised/ by freckles and bright eyes, tongue tied”

Harry later refers to being still tongue-tied in Sunflower Vol 6. Taylor also sang about not saying what the mean in Wish you Would: “You think I'm gonna hate you now / ‘Cause you still don't know what I never said”

We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

This may refer to being emotionally depleted, as in Ever Since New York: "Brooklyn saw me, empty at the news / There's no water inside this swimming pool"

Or it could refer to being in an ever shrinking microscope, Taylor later used a Snowglobe and Fishbowl in the Lover Video to represent being on display together.

#haylor #two ghosts #Youtube #harry styles #harry styles debut #hs1

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mrs-monaghan · 1 year

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heyyy... so, I just heard that some jkkrs think that km break up at some point of 2018, then got back together. And then, break up again in the end of 2019 till the early months of 2020. Personally, I don't agree w this, but I want to know your opinions. What do u think?

Hello dear anon. This was before my time. So I cannot comment on this. I can't have an opinion on something I didn't witness myself and I haven't seen anything that proves to me that this was the case. I've read people's opinions on this and I've seen people say this. But me, I don't think Jikook have ever broken up.

But if we are to be realistic. They have only ever been with each other, they only know each other. IF... IF anything happened, it was a just a break. Not an actual break up. Just a separation of some sorts that never lasted for long seeing as they're still going strong.

Couples fight and Jikook are no exception. Couples fight and move out for a bit coz they can't stand to be around each other. I can see this being a thing that happened to them too. But they ended up missing eo and getting back together if satellite Jikook is anything to go by.

What I've witnessed, are fights they forgot to leave at home and brought to work. I shared one here. Poor Jimin. And here where JK was mad at Jimin for practically the whole tour. And of course we all know about the manilla fight. Which again i think in the beginning it was Jimin who's messed up. But then tables turned when JK was singing these songs that insinuated he's the one who needed forgiving.

But you haven't felt bad until you've seen Jimin mad at JK 🥺

They fight anon. That there's no doubt about. But I don't think they broke up, broke up or worse saw other people during this. I am yet so see someone show me anything convincing.

#ask shaz #bts ask #jikook #kookmin #minkook #bts #jimin and jungkook #park jimin #jeon jungkook #jimin #jungkook #jikook fights

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imarawbu · 1 year

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Moving this diary from my old social media to here. Please refrain from the "leave him" comments.. I know.

So, in the last... 5 years.

The last entry was November 2018. I divorced him in December. I gave him conditions thay he could stay with me till the divorce was final. Obviously, he could not. At the end of December, he tried to kidnap me and take me to Houston again, I got my dad involved. He was high. I had to later pick him up after work around 11 at night. He was wondering the streets. Long story short, after holding me hostage in my car all night and me getting my phone and texting my dad to put an APB on my car... he went back to his parent's.

I was offically divorced in February 2019. He left me with thousands in debt. His parents arraigned for him to pay me back. He got a job, his dad would take him and I would pick him up. This obviously didn't go well. He was still abusing me.

I finally cut all contact with him in 2020 right before the pandemic. I met someone and we were considering marriage (you don't date as a Muslim). At first he still called me all the time (20+ times in a row if I didn't answer.) I blocked him, so he'd get a new number. This eventually stoped. The last time he tried to contact me was June 2021.

I however got myself into stupid shit.

I picked up a habit of going out in the middle of the night and driving wherever, sometimes this took me 100 miles from the US-Mexico border, other times it took me to North Texas.

I filled up for gas one night, some guy saw me, offered to pay me $400 to sit with some drunk guy for 20 minutes. I was desperate for money, so I did. This guy was interested in me and I was too scared to not do anything. I wound up being this guy's taxi service and sugar mama just like before and also got myself into a very dangerous situation with this guy. I cut him off after two weeks claiming my dad found out what I was doing. Guy didnt take it well but I've never heard anything since (thankfully).

My husband and I met in 2019. He was immediately interested in me then, however I was not. This was with a meetup group. I joined this group after my divorce and after finding the guy who heads the group on a dating site. I figured I'd go check him out. Ended up befriending his mother at the first meetup I went to (didnt even know it was his mother till the end of the night). I became super good friends with her, I stayed with her several times, etc. At one point I even told her about my interest in her son. She said never tell him because he wasn't interested and saw me as family. Anyways, this same group, I met my current husband. I finally agreed to start seeing him a year later in late 2020. We met did stuff together, "broke up" for a bit because he is from a conservative culture and his family wouldnt be into him marrying outside it. He went home for the holidays. When he came back wanted another chance. We got married 2 months later during the major freeze in Texas.

We've been married 2.5 years. I had my daughter 5 months ago. Ironically, the guy I mentioned, married a woman from overseas who is almost exactly like me (just not overweight and more naive) and we are all friends (my husband and him are business partners.) They have a daughter who is 5 months older than my daughter. Irony.

I am back here because I have amazing life now from the outside- like influencer level- travel internationally multiple times a year, luxury house, any and every trendy item- everything. Inside, my husband is abusive. No one knows and if anyone found out, he has told me he will divorce me, leave the country, and leave me with nothing. Since my daughter was born it has gotten worse. I take care of my daughter, work full time, and maintain the house. I work for my own money, obviously, my husband make insanely good money and takes care of the finances. He is more and more demanding, doesn't care if I'm overwhelmed or tired. Shows very little interest in my daughter except to accuse me of not taking care of her well enough, etc. So this is my venting place.

Maybe I will only post on horrible days or every day. He has a full out fight with me about something every week and a half to 2 weeks. In two weeks we are suppose to go as a family to his family's place for Eid. I'm not thrilled because my daughter is so young, this is a third world country we are visiting and a very rural area- they don't have 24 hr electricity or AC in the middle of summer. I am not fluent in their language (some family members speak English, most don't), and he has a very large family. Being around 7 people in the same house is too much for me, I would be around twice that many for a week straight. My daughter isn't a fan of people other than me anyways. She will tolerate it for an hour then scream her head off wanting to go home. I gained alot of weight in pregnancy, this is a society that judges heavily, so I bring shame to his reputation for being overweight.

#my diary #first post #bad relationships #diary entry

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three-headed-monster · 2 years

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list of players loaned to wjc directly from their nhl teams in the past decade

wanted to quickly put together this list to see the likelihood of 3 players being loaned this year, because i'm not liking the chances especially for guenther and wright.

stats from wikipedia btw but i don't think anyone is actively looking for these stats to change them lmao

2022 2.0 - none

2022 1.0 - none

2021 - kirby dach (chi) -> broke his wrist in the one pre-tournament game, out for 6 months afterwards

2020 - barrett hayton (ari) -> battled injury and sickness the entire tournament

2019 - none

2018 - none

2017 - none

2016 - none

2015 - none

2014 - none

2013 - none

2012 - brett connolly (tbl)

that means within the past 10 years, of tournaments, only 3 players have EVER been loaned directly from their nhl teams to the wjc without passing through junior. statistically then, it doesn't add up for the wjc team this year to suddenly be able to get back 3 major prospects for the tournament. they'll be lucky to get even one. and while yes, the covid year screws things up because a lot of nhl teams probably would've taken players like bowen byram or dylan cozens away from the team, that still doesn't account for how rare it is for nhl teams to send their players directly to the wjc without sending them down to junior first

i think it's very plausible this year that team canada is able to get one, MAYBE 2 of the guys back that they want. i highly doubt it's going to be all three. my bet's on brandt clarke, given his lack of usage and reports that he's actively having conversations with the wjc team

I DO NOT THINK SHANE WRIGHT WILL BE ATTENDING WJC.

i'll come right out and say it. from the way both francis and wright have talked about wjc, it seems like an after-thought to both of them at the moment. they'll think about it after they see if wright is ready for the nhl, they say. no active conversations being had at the moment, completely the opposite feeling of what clarke had.

not to mention how they specifically held wright out of the summer tournament with the intents to play him in the nhl this year, sending him down would feel like giving up. also note how there's always been rumours of nhl prospects being sent back like cole sillinger or seth jarvis or alexis lafreniere that never EVER come to fruition. considering the fact that the 2/3 guys suffered career-altering injuries at wjc (kirby with his wrist and i think barrett hayton broke his rib?), i highly doubt seattle is going to want to send their prized posession to wjc to have him come back injured.

we got a bit ahead of ourselves guys. i'll admit, i definitely did. we saw a logical move and said hey seattle should do this. but they won't, because they're an nhl team with no plan for their prospects whatsoever. none.

#q speaks #can't wait to be proven wrong in like 2 days lmao #i really hope i'm proven wrong #team canada #wjc 2023

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stormblessed95 · 3 years

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Hi!

Do you have any analysis of the young forever significance for Jimin?

Is it because BTS peaked in the 2016 era?

Or if I am allowed to be delulu, is it also something significant to jikook? Because in an interview JM described this song for the member sitting next (JK).

About the young forever ask... I assume they made it in the year 2015 and album came into existence the next year. Coz BTS had peaked at that time right (2015)?

I'm assuming these asks go together! Hopefully I'm right. Lol yes. We can talk about Jimin and Young Forever 💜 But I'll say right now, that no, I don't think Jimin loving this song has anything to do with Jikook or whatever his relationship with JK is.

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Young Forever was released in May 2016. When they made the song. We cannot say, but regardless it obviously has a lot of meaning to Jimin. I also don't think that the song means something to him because of them hitting fame, I think if that was the case, the song would be I Need U. But I think it means so much to him because of the song itself. He relates to it, he talks about how it helped him personally. The song itself seems to be about reflection of oneself, searching for the meaning of life and the fickle feelings and emotions (good and bad) that come with fame, the stage, having fans... and coping with that. How in the end, never giving up on your dreams and fighting for your passions, your life, your hopes is the most important thing you can be doing. (My interpretation of the song obviously. Personal opinions and all that)

The song means a lot to Jimin, to the point where he got the song title tattooed on the back of his elbows:

He wrote it on his shoe that he and JK were decorating for themselves during seasons greetings:

He shared a video log in 2018 with the fans where he talked about a time when he was struggling a lot emotionally, how he has a hard time leaning on others and would pull away from everyone often during this time. He talked about in the video how one of the ways he was able to pull himself out of that state of mind a little bit was through the song young forever and watching the fans reactions to it and signing to it, especially at concerts. How watching those videos, he broke down and cried and it helped. It's obviously a song that impacts him a lot emotionally and means something deeply special to him:

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Here is a Jimin focus fancam of when ARMY surprised BTS and sang Young Forever to them in 2019. You can see how Jimin broke down in tears and during his ending mentions after the song ended, he talks again about how much the song means to him personally and how it was a song that helped him and gives him a lot of emotional support:

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It's also obviously a song that is on constant rotation for him personally to. He mentioned recently on Weverse in reply to a fan that he was currently listening to the song:

He talked about listening to it in 2018 through a fancafe post, remembering singing it with ARMY and went to go watch videos of them singing together and got emotional over it

He brought it up during the Festa 2018 video where he mentioned around the time of GDAs he had of questions and thoughts about what they were doing and why (remember, this was the year BTS considered disbandment) and that he would go and watch clips of them singing Young Forever with ARMY, he would cry and remember that ARMY was the reason:

When they were creating films about themselves he chose Young Forever as his film title to just describe himself and this movie:

In an interview in 2018, he mentioned that Young Forever lyrics are his favorite to sing:

As for the time when they described the member to their left as a song, what song would they be in the ask anything chat. I personally am not sure if he said Jungkook was Young Forever. I think he was being a little silly with the rules. He turned and pointed directly to this left (not behind him to JK) and announced Young Forever. And to his left was a mirror (we see this in behind the scenes footage from other content filmed during the day they did these interviews). So I think he was being cheeky and instead of describing JK, he described himself (the member to his left would be himself in the mirror) as Young Forever. You can see the interview here, this question starts at 4:48ish minutes in:

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With the shoe thing though. He also wrote JKs name on his shoe. I don't think he was relating them to each other exactly, but rather putting things on his shoe that were meaningful and important to him. The song and Jungkook.

In the end, we just simply know that this is a song that Jimin finds great personal comfort in, its a song he cries to and reminds him of why he is doing what he does. It's a song that makes him feel better and makes him very emotional. He has an obvious powerful connection to it. What that connection is exactly, we don't know. We just know it means a lot to him. So I think this is just a Jimin thing, and it's so nice that he shares with us how impactful this song was for him and how much he loves it. I'm so glad they have a song that hit so hard for him and that he draws so much comfort from and that Armys can help give that to him as well. 💜

Hope this helps! Thanks for the ask!

#jimin and young forever #young forever and how much it means to Jimin

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blueskrugs · 4 years

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That Don’t Sound Like You | Brock Boeser

title and inspiration come from the Lee Brice song of the same name. I like country music, okay? takes place roughly September 2015-August 2019. all games and other teammates are accurate.

because @captainkreider said “what if you write this for Brock” and I immediately had to rethink my priorities on who I will and will not write for. and then this happened.

length: 4.7 words

Girl, I’m glad you called

You met Brock early in your freshman year at University of North Dakota. He was always surrounded by people, popular and charismatic, even as a slightly awkward 18-year-old, but it seemed like he could, and would, talk to anyone who would listen.

You found that out for yourself when he plopped down a couple seats from you in some 100 level English lecture before leaning across the empty desk between you to introduce himself.

“I’m Brock,” he said with a grin.

You took a moment to assess him. His blond hair was tucked beneath a backwards snapback, looking every bit like a douche college athlete, but his blue eyes were kind, and his smile seemed genuine. You shot him a quick smile of your own before turning back to your notes.

“I’m Y/N,” you offered. Brock was still watching you closely; you flipped the page of your notebook.

Any further conversation was cut short by your professor coming in, his typical five minutes late. It was already the third week of class, and Brock had never sat near you before, usually choosing to sit more near the back, but you buried your confusion in favor of focusing on the lecture.

Brock kept sitting next to you, though, would start a conversation with you most days. It was a week and a half before he asked for your phone number, another week before he actually texted you to complain about how he didn’t understand an assigned reading. In the meantime, you’d learned that you hadn’t grown up far from each other in Minnesota– just a couple towns away from each other outside Minneapolis, his favorite color– blue, but only one highly specific shade, and how he’d been drafted by the Canucks but was still trying out the whole college thing.

“So,” Brock started one day in October. You hummed in response, not looking up from your notes– you were trying to review for the test you had after this lecture was over. Brock nudged your elbow, but you still didn’t look up at him. “Hey. Y/N.” Brock was starting to whine now, so you glanced up at him. “So, uh, we have our first home game this Saturday.”

You raised an eyebrow at Brock. He looked nervous, fidgeting with a hoodie string and chewing on his bottom lip. You poked him in the arm with your pen.

“Got something you wanna say, Boes?”

“Would you, y’know?”

You rolled your eyes. “No, Brock, I don’t know. Spit it out.”

“Do you wanna come to the game?” he finally managed.

Now, UND took hockey as seriously as some colleges took football, and you’d spent more than one conversation with Brock discussing hockey, so he knew you liked it. Of course you’d be at the game on Saturday. But Brock wasn’t asking if you were going as a hockey fan. He was asking if you’d come to see him play.

You grinned, and Brock ducked his head and refused to look at you. His cheeks looked a little pink. You poked him with your pen again, this time just below his ribs, and he squirmed and snatched the pen from your hand.

“Yeah, Brock, I’ll be there,” you assured him.

He threw your pen at you.

Brock scored a hat trick in front of the sold-out crowd and swept you up in his arms outside the arena.

That became the new normal for you two. You went to every home game to watch as Brock tore up the league as one of the best freshmen anyone had ever seen. He’d meet you outside the arena, and you’d end up at a diner with the rest of the team with Brock’s arm draped around your shoulder. The team accepted you into their fold easily enough, teasing and chirping you just as they would any other player. There was time spent alone with Brock, too, or as alone as you could get in a dorm building. It had started under the pretense of studying together, but over time, it usually ended under a pile of blankets and Grey’s Anatomy playing on one of your laptops.

Brock kissed you for the first time in early December, after the team swept the weekend against Denver. It was cold, and his breath brushed across your face in a white cloud when he leaned in, but his lips were warm against yours.

Not much changed after that, not really, except for the fact that Brock got much less shy about always wanting to be near you or touching you in some way, whether it was your knees pressed against each other beneath a table on a date, or a hand on your hip or linked with yours when you were hanging out with others.

He did trip over his own feet the first time he saw you wearing one of his hoodies, though.

You surprised Brock in Tampa in April for the Frozen Four finals, where he had the game winning goal, and three more assists to boot. You weren’t sure you had ever seen him smile as big as when you jumped into his arms and wrapped your legs around his waist after the game, Stretch and Drake and everyone else still screaming somewhere behind you.

Truck tires on a gravel road Laughing at the world, blasting my radio Cannonballs splashing in the water

Brock called you one afternoon in June, after life had settled down into the lazy days of summer. “What’s up, babe?” you asked, absently throwing a tennis ball for your dog out in the yard.

Brock hesitated. “Do you still wanna come out to the lake with us?”

You had talked about it, a little, back when it was still ungodly cold in North Dakota, and Brock had mentioned that his family was going to try and rent a place on a lake for a week or two in July. It had seemed so far away then, as distant future as graduating or Brock heading off to Vancouver, which feels foolish now, with July creeping closer every day.

“Yeah, of course,” you said.

The two of you talked about the future for the first time that week at Minnetonka, between bets of who could make the biggest splash, or turning up Brock’s playlists as loud as you could, yelling the words to country songs up to the clouds.

Brock wanted to stay at UND another year, use it to develop his game, but he whispered in the dark one night that he was scared of making it all the way to the NHL and not living up to expectations, no longer a bright star, but a supernova, left to fade into nothing.

You had dreams of your own, too. Graduating and getting a job in a big city, getting away from Minnesota and small towns where everyone knew everyone. California, maybe, or somewhere on the East Coast like D.C.

(Brock had made a face at you for that.)

You realized for the first time, too, that you just might be in love with Brock. You weren’t sure what to do with that realization, though, just tucked your face a little tighter into Brock’s shoulder, tried not to think about what you would do if Brock ever asked you to follow him to Vancouver. You weren’t sure you could give up your life plans for anyone.

July passed with days in the sun and nights near a bonfire, drowning in one of Brock’s hoodies as you sat in his lap under a blanket. You wished you could live in moments like those forever.

Sophomore year was different for both of you. You were busier with classes, and Brock was more focused on hockey than ever, determined not to let his freshman season be a fluke.

Not that anyone thought it would be.

Brock became an alternate captain. Continued to dominate on the ice, came back stronger after a couple of injuries. Brock Boeser was making a name for himself, and it was only a matter of time before everyone started paying attention.

The day after the team lost to Boston University in double overtime, the defending champs going out on their very first game of the tournament, Brock was home in Minnesota, signing an entry-level contract, and playing his first game as a Vancouver Canuck.

He had kissed you goodbye on Thursday before the team left for Fargo, with an “I love you,” murmured against your lips, his hands tangled in your hair, the promise of “see you soon” unspoken but understood between you.

But you sat on your couch and watched as Brock took to the ice for the team that believed in him against the team he grew up watching, you started to wonder just how soon that would be, and if you’d ever get your Brock back, or if you’d lost his love to the city of Vancouver.

Brock scored a goal that night. You’d always known he would fit right in in Vancouver.

Brock broke up with you that summer. You had seen it coming, maybe since last July, when you realized that your lives were heading in different directions, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. You were supposed to go up to Minnetonka again, but you never made it that far before he was standing on your doorstep, hands shoved deep in your pockets.

Part of you wanted to insist that you could make the distance work, and maybe you could, maybe Brock thought it, too, but you couldn’t think of the words.

“I love you,” you said instead.

You dropped a Target bag full of Brock’s things on his parents’ front porch, hoodies and beanies and other things that were too hard to keep, before you headed back to UND for the fall.

You kept in touch some, congratulatory texts (you) or pictures of the weather (him). You received dozens of Snapchats during All-Star Weekend in 2018, especially of the adorable dog he ended up adopting– you had vetoed changing his name from Cider– but you were pretty sure he was sending them to everyone.

Until you got one simply captioned “would be better with you here.” You stared at the picture– the view of Tampa outside his hotel room window– until the time ran out, and it disappeared. Then another came in, and you opened it quickly, unthinkingly. “Not quite like the last time we were in Tampa together tho.”

The only time you’d been to Tampa had been nearly two years before for the Frozen Four.

The picture disappeared again, and you didn’t know how to respond. So you didn’t.

You graduated a semester early and made plans to move to the East Coast and get a job, start your life for real. No one commented on how you were about as far away from Brock and Vancouver as you could get.

You were doing laundry at your parents’ house, packing most of what you owned in your car to move, when you came across a green UND hockey T-shirt. It still smelled a little like Brock, even though it had been buried in your room for years. You spared half a thought to wonder if Brock ever even missed it before you throw it in the washing machine.

You were surprised, then, when you got a text– a real one, too, not a Snapchat message– from Brock later that summer. You had never responded to those messages he had sent during the All-Star Game, and he had stopped sending things after a while. That had been over a year ago.

Brock’s message was simple, just a “hey, how have you been?” You wondered if he even knew you moved, and you were immediately suspicious of ulterior motives.

You left him on read for a couple of hours, before responding, and your message was short, curt. Your suspicions were proved right when he responded within half an hour.

“so” “Some of the guys from UND are coming up north for a couple days” “and they’ve been making some noise about seeing you”

You sighed. You were too tired for playing games, talking coyly, pretending like you were anything more than a couple of exes, practically strangers at this point. You pressed the call button below Brock’s name, realized for the first time that you’d never removed the green heart emoji from his contact.

“Y/N?” Brock sounded surprised, as if he hadn’t been the one to text you first.

“Why now, Brock?” you asked. Why do you still care, is what you didn’t.

“Stetch won’t shut up about wanting to see you, and some of the other guys picked up the chorus,” Brock said. He sounded as tired as you felt. It may have been years since you had last seen some of his teammates from UND, it certainly sounded like they haven’t changed much.

You went quiet, chewing on your bottom lip. Brock rushed to fill the silence.

“You don’t have to come. I just- I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have texted, I’m sorry.” His voice faded slightly, like he’d pulled the phone away from his ear to hang up.

And, well, you were going to blame what you said next on the fact that it was well after midnight and that you’d been awake for too many consecutive hours.

“When is everyone coming up?”

Brock was silent, not even the sound of his breathing coming over the line. You checked to make sure he hadn’t, in fact, ended the call.

“Uh, second week of August,” he finally said.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Brock echoed. You could picture the crease between his eyebrows.

“Yeah, ‘okay.’ I’ll think about it,” you said.

You didn’t know why you said that.

You didn’t know why you booked a flight to Minneapolis, or why you were actually looking forward to it. Even when Brock texted to warn you that some of his Canucks teammates would be there with the old faces from UND.

You didn’t know what you were doing as you stood in the entryway of a lake house in Minnesota. Out on the deck, you could see some familiar faces, but you had never felt so out of place in your life.

This was a bad idea. No, it was a terrible idea. You weren’t in college anymore. These weren’t your friends, your people. They had all moved on with their lives, and so had you. A weekend on a lake in Minnesota would only bring back the memories and the regrets of years gone by.

You were just debating turning around and pretending that you had never even come when Brock stepped in and saw you standing there, looking like a fool. He looks surprised to see you. You take another step into the house.

“Hey, Y/N!” The surprise is gone nearly as quickly as it had appeared, replaced with what looks like genuine happiness. “C’mon, everyone’s outside.”

You follow silently, taking in Brock’s bare, tanned shoulders, the way his hair looks blonder from hours spent out on the lake. For a moment, you’re both 19 again.

Stetch yells when he sees you first, and then you’re being mobbed by hockey players. You only know a couple from UND– Stetch, Drake, and Josty, to start– and the rest are from Vancouver, introductions blurring together in a mess of faces and nicknames– Tuna, Petey, and Chris, who had definitely been called Dad by at least three different people.

You finally manage to break away and head for a drink, but Brock follows you.

“I’m glad you came,” he says, and you believe him, look into his eyes, painfully earnest and real and blue like the reflection of the sky on the lake. You offer a weak smile in return, not sure if you can say the same, not yet. Brock steps closer and opens the lid of the cooler you’re standing next to. “Jess says you ended up in D.C. after all. How is that? You happy?”

His question catches you off-guard, and you hesitate, too long. “Yeah,” you say finally. “Yeah, it’s great.” Everything I’ve ever wanted, except you’re not there, is what you don’t say. You wonder briefly if he can still see right through you.

Brock’s head is buried in the cooler as he digs through the ice, but you can still see the way his shoulders go up like they always do when he’s frowning. That’s a yes, then.

“What’s the difference between a White Claw and a Truly, anyway?” he muses instead of calling you out, before surfacing with one of each in his hands. He offers them both to you, and you take the Truly– wild berry, your favorite, not that Brock would have any reason to know that– and leave him the White Claw. He cracks it open and takes a long drink. You tear your eyes away from the line of his throat as he swallows.

“Boyfriend couldn’t make it?” Brock asks pointedly. Damn, he still follows you on Instagram.

You take a drink yourself instead of answering right away. “Couldn’t get off work,” you say. Which isn’t a lie, not really, but you hadn’t even asked, just told him you would be visiting home for the week. You didn’t think he’d love the idea of spending a weekend with a bunch of hockey players, especially when the one who’d invited you happened to be your ex-boyfriend.

Brock just blinks at you for a moment. “Well, I’m glad you could make it,” he says again, just as honest as before.

When the next person asks if you’re happy in D.C., you’re not quite as off-guard, and you manage to smile when you answer this time. Brock is watching you from across the deck, though, and you wonder if the smile looked as fake as it felt to everyone else, or if it was just Brock.

You’re arguing with Josty about something ridiculous, when Emma, Troy’s girlfriend, sees you for the first time.

“Oh my God, you cut your hair! It’s so cute!” she said before wrapping you up in a hug.

When she lets you go, you sweep your hair over one shoulder, an old habit from when it hung halfway down your back; it barely brushed your shoulders now.

“Thought it was time for a change,” you say, “and my boyfriend really likes it this way.”

Next to you, Tyson frowns and mumbles something about finding Brock. You and Emma both watch him go, a little confused.

I know it’s been a while, I don’t mean to pry But when I asked you if you’re happy, I didn’t hear a smile, and that don’t sound like you

You’re sitting on the dock with your feet in the water that night when Brock settles next to you. Up at the house, everyone is either asleep or on their way to it. You’re both quiet for a moment, just the sound of crickets and the water lapping against the dock.

“I wasn’t sure you’d actually come,” Brock says lowly.

You breathe out a laugh. “I wasn’t either, not until I was actually here,” you admit.

“Why did you come?”

“Why did you invite me?” you counter. It was the thing that kept bothering you about all this. Why had Brock decided to reach out now, after so long, after you’d moved on?

Brock sighs. “Hadn’t heard from you in a while.” It’s almost defensive, the way he says it.

“Not like you tried very hard to catch up ever,” you say, and it’s mean, because you had stopped responding first, but you hadn’t known what else to do, how else to handle the heartbreak you had to relive with every text.

“You fucking stopped talking to me!” Brock says, and, yeah, you deserve that, deserve the anger in his voice. You don’t expect to hear sadness, too, but you do.

“What else was I supposed to do, Brock? Keep torturing myself with every text I sent?” You can’t bring yourself to be mad. You tilt your chin to look up at the stars instead, pretend you can’t feel Brock’s eyes on you. The stars are so much brighter out here, back home. “You were off chasing your dream, so it was time I went after mine.”

There’s silence for a moment. Then, “Why’d you come here, Y/N?”

“I don’t know. One last hurrah for when we were all in college? For freshman year when the future seemed so bright? For when I still thought having a good job in a good city with a guy who loves me would make me happy, but sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong city with the wrong guy?”

You get up before Brock can answer and leave him sitting on the dock in the dark.

Morning comes, and you’re not sure the conversation with Brock even happened, except for the fact that Brock is alternating between watching you intently and refusing to make eye contact. Chris makes everyone breakfast, and you now understand why everyone was calling him Dad. You settle next to Troy, lean your head on his shoulder.

“Did I somehow do something to make Petey not like me?” you ask, watching him talk quietly to Brock at the other end of the table.

“Nah,” Stetch says, taking a bite of bacon. “His English still isn’t great, and his default resting face makes it look like he hates everyone.” He pauses, takes another bite. “Well, and the fact that you broke our boy Brock’s heart. He’s sensitive, don’t ya know?” His tone is light, teasing, but his words make you freeze.

You gasp, too loud for the morning air. A couple people glance over at you, but you’re turning to Stetch, who at least looks like he realizes his mistake.

“Brock broke up with me,” you hiss.

Troy barely glances down the table at Brock, but you still catch it. For a split second, you consider just getting up and leaving, but settle for glaring at Brock, who doesn’t look up. His cheeks still flush like he can feel your eyes on him.

“I no longer want to be a part of this conversation,” Stetch says, making a move to get up, but you grab his wrist. He winces but stays sitting. “Look, he came back for his rookie year and was always kinda quiet-” You scoff. “-but none of us asked any questions, and then after All-Star he said you’d stopped responding to his texts.” Stetch finishes with a shrug.

“I stopped answering because I was still in love with him and stuck in North Dakota after he broke up with me that summer, dumbass. What the hell else was I supposed to do after he told me he wished I were at the All-Star Game with him? I was never going to be able to follow Brock to Vancouver, and he made it pretty clear he never really wanted me to, anyway.”

You didn’t realize that most of the conversations around the table had gone quiet until it was too late. Brock had gone pale. You had never wanted a confrontation, not here, but it was looking inevitable. Everyone else seemed to sense this, too, because soon the table was cleared, and it was just you and Brock.

“Why do you stay if you’re not happy?” is what Brock says first.

“I- what?”

Brock smiles at you, but it’s sad. “Do you think I can’t tell?”

“I am happy,” you say, defensive. And you are, or you will be one day, once you can finally stop thinking about Brock, about all the what-ifs, the possibilities that are long gone. You were getting there, too, before you came back to Minnesota for this weekend and everything came crashing down around your ears. Still, maybe this is the closure you needed.

“Oh yeah?” Brock says in return, and it's a taunt, really, mean in a way that he’s never been with you.

“Since when do you have any right to my happiness? What do you want me to say, Brock? That I always knew we were never meant to work out, but I fell in love with you anyway? That I went to D.C. and got everything I wanted, but once I had it, it didn’t seem right anymore? They say you never forget your first love, and, dammit, it’s really hard when yours is living his dream and tearing it up in the NHL. Is that what you want to hear, Brock? That I’ll never really get over you, even as I fall in love again, resign myself to the fact that someone else is going to fall in love with you someday, and be everything for you I couldn’t?”

Brock is frozen at the other end of the table. You want to jump in the lake, stay underwater until your lungs burn and your tears are hidden. You want to get in your rental car and drive, drive all the way to Minneapolis and keep going until you’re out of Minnesota and never look back. You want to kiss Brock, for old time’s sake, and you never want to see his face again.

He still hasn’t said anything, so you turn and go inside, past everyone pretending like they hadn’t just been watching everything. You’re throwing everything back in your bag when Brock stumbles up the stairs. You pause, cross your arms, and raise an eyebrow at him.

“Shit, wait,” he pants.

You can’t hold back the smirk. “Aren’t you supposed to be a professional athlete?” you say, almost without thinking.

Brock flips you off as he leans against the doorframe, but it’s half-hearted.

“You can’t just say shit like that and then fucking walk away,” he says, and it comes out more like a whine. “I just- I had no idea. Should’ve probably, yeah, but-” he stops, collects his thoughts. “What did you mean when you said you could never follow me to Vancouver?”

“Would you even have asked,” you say, which isn’t an answer at all.

“I don’t know, you were always talking about all of your plans, and I never wanted to stop you. I didn’t know if you’d ever want to follow me.” And, finally, for the first time in years, it seems like you two understand each other.

“Of course I did,” you say softly, and Brock looks up at you, surprised. “I just didn’t know that then. And then I didn’t think you wanted me, not when I was just some girl from college.”

“You were never just some girl from college,” Brock says quickly. He rolls his eyes. “You wanna know why I asked if you were happy? You cut your hair.” Brock sounds pained, and you remember all the times he would play with your hair while you cuddled on the couch or in bed. “Since when do you change something like that for a guy?”

“And I wouldn’t have had to change for you? After I’d graduated, if you wanted me to come to Vancouver for you?”

Brock’s recoils, your words like a slap to the face, but it’s not as vindicating as you thought it would be. “It’s not just the hair. It’s the way you talk, the way you smile. What happened to the girl I knew?”

And that’s the problem. You’re not the girl he knew, not anymore. You’ve both grown up, lived life a little more. You might still love Brock, but you love the Brock from North Dakota, not the one who’s been in Vancouver for two years. You don’t know that Brock, and maybe you could love him, but that’s not for you to find out. It’s not fair to anyone. It just took you coming out to the lake to realize that.

So you smile at Brock and say, “She got her heart broken and left North Dakota behind.” But you follow Brock back downstairs, spend the day out on the water, feeling settled for the first time since you got there, maybe since you had last spoken to Brock way back in 2018.

That town, that job, that guy You can leave them behind, girl, you know you’re better than that

The boys build a bonfire after dinner, as the sun sets over the lake, and someone breaks out the ingredients for s’mores.

“Y’know,” Brock says, resting his hand on your knee after you’ve settled into a chair. His hand is warm through the blanket draped over your lap. “For what it’s worth, there would always be a place for you in Vancouver.”

Maybe there would be, but you weren’t sure that that place was somewhere you belonged. You don’t say that, though, just settle your feet in Brock’s lap and take the marshmallow that’s being offered to you.

There’s a life waiting for you on the other side of the continent, and it just might be the one you were always meant to have.

#cait writes things #brock boeser #brock boeser fic #brock boeser imagine #hockey fic #hockey fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #brock boeser fanfic #vancouver canucks fanfic

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supernaturalkickparty · 3 years

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I've been seeing people post what Carry On means to them but I'm gonna dial it back and bit and put what SPN as a whole means to me. Kinda long and idk how to post things under a cut so sorry guys.

Ok so September 2005. It was just 2 days after my 17th birthday, I was miserable, I was home alone, and I was bored. So I'm channel surfing and I caught it just as Mary went up in flames. I was like whoa, ok what's up.

Needless to say by the end of the pilot I was hooked.

Now for me that was my escape from the abuse at home, the bullying at school, the depression, the everything that I was going through. For that one hour a week I was part of a world where these brothers were going through so much and I wanted/needed to know more. I needed to see how it ended. Then All Hell Breaks Loose happened and I lost my collective shit. How could Sam die? How can these brothers who just started to be close again lose one another?

God the emotions of it all, the ups and downs the brothers went through. If I didn't have cable i would often wait to catch the reruns whenever we did have cable and I would watch all the time at the gym. Honestly that was maybe the only time I willingly went to the gym.

2015 I met my husband, we started dating and I found out he had never seen supernatural. Found out the hard way as we watched The Werther Project for the first time and he asked me what the show was about. That night we started watching from season 1 and he continued watching until he caught up. When he wasn't working he became my spn watch buddy.

2017 and 2018 I had miscarriages that landed me in the hospital and in bed for a good while. The show in all it's SamandDean codependency helped me out in the sense of I got lost in my fictional world. For an hour I was caught up in whatever was going on and I forgot it all.

Very late 2019 I finally carried a pregnancy to term and I had my one and only child. The pandemic happened and all I had were my shows to keep me sane while I was navigating mommyhood. Spn's fuckery(affectionately) helped remind me what I enjoyed as a person before I became a mom, the codependency reminded me why I love the show in the first place. The two awkward brothers who caught my attention.

Then season 15 came around, it was hit and miss on some parts and I don't want to get into that, overall, it was memorable because me and my husband watched it together while I had a baby on my tit. As Carry On played out, the toddler was dead asleep, latched on to my boob while I watched the episode play out. The domestic!chester's, the brothers having a routine and just going to a pie festival and having a good time. That 5 years down the road after they last saw Chuck and they still chose one another. That no matter what they still and will always choose one another.

I was a wreck as the fight scene broke out. I was always a wreck if there was a fight scene. When I saw the rebar I remember looking at my husband and saying "please god no." As I clutched my baby. When I saw Dean actually land on the rebar, god I cried so ugly. I squeezed the toddler and tried hard to cover my mouth and hoping me crying wouldn't wake him up.

Dean's declaration of love to Sam. The fear of Sam turning him away. For 15 plus years he held onto that fear. "I love you so much my baby brother." The needing assurance from Sam that it was ok to let go. Sam not sure how to live at first without Dean, Dean not giving a single fuck about anyone in Heaven because Sam wasn't there. He drove for what I'm guessing is 5 minutes heaven time to what was the rest of Sam's life.

The bridge scene. All was right in the world because Dean had Sam and Sam had Dean. The soulmates were reunited and it was finally perfect.

Now I know some people didn't like the finale and ok that's cool. But I loved it. It wasn't necessarily a happy ending but it was because in the end it was just Sam and Dean. The show began being about two brothers and it ended being about the two brothers. The ending was perfect because Sam and Dean had each other.

Supernatural meant the most to me because from a 17 year old teenager who grew up close with her siblings to a 32 year woman with a husband and kid and still very close with her siblings, it reminded me time and time again, family was everything because Sam and Dean were their own family. And at the end of the day, family, however your family is(friends,siblings,etc) that's what counts.

#carry on anniversary #carry on anniversary week #supernatural #spn #carry on #spn finale positive

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bettsfic · 3 years

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how i got an agent, or: my writing timeline

when i started writing, i had no idea how publishing worked and i had a lot of misconceptions about it. but i just signed my first literary agent so i thought i’d share what my experience has been getting to this point, in case it helps anyone else with their own publication goals. i’m also including financial details, like submission fees and income, because “i could never afford to pursue writing as a career” is something that kept me from taking the idea seriously.

for context, i write mostly literary fiction and i’m on the academic/scholarly writing path. this process looks a lot different for other genres.

i didn’t write this in my pretty nonfiction narrative voice; it’s really just the bare-bones facts of how it went down, how long it took, how many words i wrote (both fanfiction and original fiction), and how much it all cost.

background

2002 - 2005: read a fuckton of books, wrote some fiction, wanted to be a writer but knew it would never happen, journaled every moment of my life in intimate detail

2006: started working full-time (at a chinese restaurant) while still in high school, also started taking courses for college credit; no time to write, and forgot i had ever wanted to be a writer

2007: graduated high school, started college (psych major), still worked at the restaurant, moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment with my boyfriend; my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer

2008: continued college full-time, quit the restaurant and started part-time as a bank teller, broke up with bf and moved in with a friend at an apartment where the rent was obscenely high; had to pick up a second job altering bridal gowns

2009: continued college full-time, started dating someone else, moved in with him, had to support him, took a third job as an admin assistant

2010: continued college full-time, still had 3 jobs; my dad’s cancer became terminal

2011: my dad passed away; i graduated college with a 3.9 and $31k of debt; quit 2 of 3 jobs; got promoted at the bank; my bf cheated on me and we broke up; moved back in with my mom

2012: a very dark time; also, bought a house (because where i’m from, it’s cheaper to buy than rent)

2013: discovered fandom

2014, age 24

this is the year i started writing and posting fanfic. prior to that i was a compulsive journaler but had no drive or desire to become a writer, despite how much i had written when i was a teenager. it seemed like a very childish dream. at this point i assumed writing was just a phase like all my other hobbies i’d picked up and set down.

but fandom proved to be really healthy for me, and i made some good friends who encouraged my writing and made me want to be better at it. i was really not very good at writing. i don’t think i had any natural creative talent whatsoever, or even a particularly vivid imagination. the only thing i had going for me was the ability to put thoughts into words after a decade of obsessive journaling.

i started writing in spring, and by the end of the year my total word count was 311k. i was making a decent income at the bank, insofar as my bills were covered and i had health insurance. i still had a significant amount of credit card debt from college that i was trying to pay down, and which was eating up all my extra income.

2015, age 25

i continued writing through 2015 and went to visit @aeriallon, whom i’d met in fandom and who told me i should consider applying to MFAs. i was miserable at the bank and knew i wanted to go back to school, but i didn’t think there was a chance in hell a grad program would accept me, since my writing wasn’t very good and i hadn’t so much as taken a single english class in undergrad. she told me to just look around and do a few google searches to see what i found.

when i started searching, i assumed i would probably be more compelled toward an MEd or MSW programs and go the therapy route, which is what the plan had been in undergrad before my dad died and my life got derailed. i never wanted to be a banker, but i’d got a promotion into commercial finance that paid decently, so i took it and told myself i’d work for a year before going back to school. but then i kept getting promoted and one year became many.

i ended up being more drawn to creative writing MFA programs because they seemed to want people with weird backgrounds like mine. also the classes sounded fun and the programs were funded. i didn’t know how i would be able to afford my mortgage payment or sell my house on a fraction of the income i was making at the bank, but i figured i’d apply and see what happened.

it took 6 months to get a writing sample ready to apply to MFAs. it was the only ofic story i’d written as an adult, and in retrospect i had no idea what i was doing because at that point i didn’t read literary short fiction. but i got the sample as good as i could get it and completed my applications. i applied to 6 schools and got accepted into 1.

in 2015 i wrote 250k. i can’t find my application spreadsheet from that year, but i probably spent between $300 and $400 on application fees. early in the year, i had finally managed to pay off my credit card debt and save a little bit of money.

2016, age 26

the school i got into was within driving distance of my house, so i didn’t bother moving. i tried to quit the bank but my boss convinced me to stay on 2 days a week working from home. i agreed to it, because my grad stipend wasn’t enough to cover my bills, and i was counting on what little savings i had accrued to get me through the program. i still had no drive or interest to publish. i mostly just wanted to go back to school so i could learn how to be better at this thing i really enjoyed doing.

in the MFA, as you might imagine, i had to read a lot of stuff and write a lot of stuff, and was encouraged to begin submitting some of the short stories i wrote for workshop. i was not particularly into the idea, considering it seemed like a lot of work for little reward, and also i didn’t think my stories were very good.

i also started teaching english comp. i hated it and decided that after the MFA, i never wanted to do it again. haha. hahahahahaha

in 2016 i wrote 343k. i didn’t apply/submit in 2016 so i didn’t pay any fees, but my grad stipend was $14k for the academic year, plus the income i was making at the bank.

2017, age 27

i did a complete 180 and decided i loved teaching more than anything else in the entire world, and i was willing to do whatever it took to become a teacher. i realized that to become a teacher, i needed to publish. begrudgingly i started submitting to literary journals. i also applied to summer workshops and got into tin house, which i highly recommend if that’s something you’re interested in. at tin house i met my dream agent, who seemed really interested in my work and encouraged me to query her as soon as i had a book done.

a lot of personal drama happened that year. i was still working at the bank in addition to teaching a 2/2 and taking a full course load. in summer i had a long overdue mental breakdown.

2017 was a rough year. i wrote 149k. this is the year i started keeping a dedicated expenses spreadsheet. i spent $174 in submission fees. tin house tuition with room and board was a little over $1500 + travel. i thought it was worth it because i met the agent i thought i would later sign, but that didn’t pan out. (i made some great friends though!!) tin house was definitely an unwise financial decision; i paid for it out of what little i managed to save in 2015.

2018, age 28

early in 2018, i went from teaching comp/rhet to creative writing, which only cemented my desire to teach writing as a career. i realized i was far better at teaching writing than writing, but i knew i had to keep writing to keep teaching (shocked pikachu.jpg), so i kept submitting to journals. i got my first story accepted. i didn’t receive any payment for that publication. i quit the bank early in the year (finally! after 10 years!) and was terrified about money, in part because my student loan payments were coming out of deferment and i was still paying off my hospital bills from my breakdown.

in spring semester, i won a few departmental awards (totaling $500ish) and got a second story accepted (again, no payment). i also got accepted to another workshop which i will not name because i hated it. i graduated in may and defended my thesis in july. the thesis would later become my short story collection, zucchini.

in fall, i stayed on at my school as an adjunct, and started writing training wheels which would later become an original novel called baby.

i wrote 450k in 2018. i paid $373 in submission fees. i was also nominated for an award for one of my publications but didn’t win. the workshop i went to was like $4000 with room and board (it was a month-long workshop). i got 75% of it covered with scholarships and i paid for the rest of it out of my savings, and even though i’d intended to drive there, my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket. again, i met a lot of big-wig writers i thought for sure would help me get an agent. i told myself i was networking, and that publication was all about Who You Knew. but that turned out not to be true for me.

as an adjunct i made $3200 per course, and i taught 3 classes in fall. in winter, i got my shit together and started applying for creative writing PhDs, mostly to convince my family i was doing something with my life, with no expectation that i would get in. in winter i applied to 2 schools. with application fees and the GRE, i ended up paying well over $500.

2019, age 29

in spring semester, i taught 2 classes while i revised training wheels into baby. when i had a completed manuscript, i finally pulled the plug and used all my networking contacts to get my dream agent i’d met at tin house. i queried her, and a very popular and well-regarded author i’d met at the other workshop emailed her on my behalf to tell her good things about me. i thought for sure i had it in the bag. this author also touched base with a few other agents whom he thought would like my work.

i didn’t hear back from any of them. not even a “no thanks.” i set down querying for a while.

i got a third story picked up and published around this time, and i was paid $25 for it. they also nominated me for an award, and i don’t think i won? but i can’t find out who did win so idk.

my grandpa passed away and i decided to sell my house and move in with my grandma so she wouldn’t be alone. i got rejected from both PhD programs i applied to and decided to get a “real job” instead, and began applying for random positions that offered health insurance, because i knew i was drastically undermedicated and it was becoming a Problem.

near the end of spring semester, i moved out of my house, put it on the market, and was interviewing for a community development manager position for a nonprofit. at the same time, i found out about another university that was taking late-season applications, and i applied. five days later, i got accepted. one day after that, i got a job offer for the nonprofit. since i had no idea how long it would take for my house to sell, and being unable to afford both rent in a new city and my mortgage payment, i deferred my PhD acceptance for a year and decided to work at the nonprofit for a while. the risk was that i could only defer my admission, not my funding, so there was a chance that the following year i wouldn’t get the same funding package.

i lasted one month at the “real job” before i had another breakdown and ended up quitting.

my house sold for well under the asking price and i received only $4000 in equity once it was all said and done. that’s a lot of money to me, but considering that i’d been paying on the house for 7 years, i was expecting a lot more.

i had a year to kill until the PhD so i decided to take a break from teaching and apply to artist residencies instead. i applied to 8 residencies and got accepted into 4, but only ended up attending 3, because the 4th was outrageously priced and there was no indication of the cost when i had applied.

in winter i picked up querying agents again. i queried 10 agents every other week. i also got a ghostwriting gig writing children’s books that paid $800 a month.

in 2019 i wrote 417k. i spent $441 in submission fees (to residencies and contests, not agent queries. never pay money to query an agent!!). i ended up teaching 3 classes fall semester.

2020, age 30

i started out the year driving across the country going to residencies. the first cost $100 (no food), the second cost $250 (A LOT OF VERY GOOD FOOD), and the third paid me $500. i was at the third when the pandemic hit.

the query rejections started rolling in. i gave up in february after 60 queries. of those 60, i received 7 manuscript requests for baby, but the consensus was that it was too long and plotless (you got me there.jpg). at the second residency completed and revised zucchini and decided to begin querying with that instead. i could only find a few agents who accepted collections so i only queried 16. i got one request for the manuscript but then didn’t hear back. i gave up in april shortly after the pandemic hit.

when i figured the collection, like the novel, just wasn’t publishable, i started submitting to contests which is the more standard route for the genre. i submitted to 12 in total and was a finalist in 1. i was rejected or withdrew from the rest.

the PhD program reached out to ask if i was still interested in starting in fall, and i said i was, so they put me in the running for funding again and i was accepted. the stipend was $17k per academic year.

like most of us, i got totally derailed in spring and stopped doing basically everything. the ghostwriting gig started paying $1500 a month and i also started my creative coaching business, which slowly but surely began to supplement my income. i also received the $1200 stimulus.

when school started, i quit the ghostwriting gig. i had no intention to continue querying either book, but i saw a twitter pitch event called DVpit (diverse voices) and decided to participate. for those who don’t know, a twitter pitch event is where you tweet the pitch for your book and use the hashtag, and agents scroll through the tag and like tweets. if an agent likes your tweet, you query them.

i got one like, so i followed up with the query. the agent asked for the full MS and a couple weeks later followed up with the offer for representation. we talked on the phone, she sent me the contract, i asked for a couple changes, and then signed!

so far this year i’ve written 375k and paid $518 in submission fees. i’ll give more details when i do my end of year roundup next month. oh, and i finally paid off my student loans.

totals

word count: 2.3 million

agent queries: 77

agent MS requests: 9

agent rejections: 28

agent no responses: 44

short story submissions: 86

short story acceptances: 3

short story income: $25

total submission/application fees: $1472

my (final) query letter

honestly this query letter probably isn’t very good which is why i got such a minimal response, but it got the job done eventually.

Thank you for expressing interest in ZUCCHINI through this year's DVpit event.

ZUCCHINI is a collection that views sex through an asexual lens. It poses inquiries into constructs like gender, sexuality, and love to dissect the patriarchal/puritanical foundations from which our social perspectives often derive. Being a collection about asexuality, each story portrays a relationship that develops from forms of attraction other than physical.

In one story, a grieving widow purchases her first sex toy; in another, a woman uses sex to cope with the death of her abusive father, and later in the collection faces the long road to recovery; an administrative assistant seeks out a codependent relationship with her boss; a masochist hires a professional sadist to lead him toward self-actualization; a woman begins to recover from her sexual assault by staging a reenactment on her own terms; and lastly, two lifelong friends in a queerplatonic relationship decide to get married. Asexuality is an under-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA community and is often misunderstood. In seven stories, ZUCCHINI dissects the notion of attraction, explores the intersections of sexual identity and trauma recovery, and conveys the experience of intimacy without physical desire.

Three stories in the collection have been published in literary magazines. “Lien” appeared in volume 24 of Quarter After Eight and was nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers. “An Informed Purchase” appeared in the summer 2018 issue of Midwestern Gothic and won the Jordan-Goodman Prize in Fiction. “The Ashtray” appeared in issue 16 of Rivet Journal and has been nominated for a 2020 Pushcart Prize.

Complete at 53,000 words, ZUCCHINI is a collection in conversation with Carmen Maria Machado’s HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES, Lauren Groff’s FLORIDA, and Samantha Hunt’s THE DARK DARK.

If ZUCCHINI is of interest to you, I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Per your guidelines, I've appended the first twenty pages below, which is the entirety of the first story.

what comes next

i’m going to spend january revising the collection per my agent’s feedback. when i send it back to her, she’ll shoot it out to the first round of publishers. my understanding is that the goal is to get multiple offers on it so that it has to go to auction. if there are no offers, she’ll do another round of submissions, and so on, until we’ve exhausted our options. if that happens, we’ll reassess, but by then hopefully i’ll have another novel finished.

meanwhile, i’ll be continuing the PhD which entails teaching a 2/2, workshop, and 2 lit seminars per semester. i’m also still doing my creative coaching, writing fanfic, and working on my original projects. in summer, i’ll finally be moving to hopefully start going to school in person next fall.

the PhD is a 3 year program with an optional fourth year. i don’t see myself finishing in 3 years so i do plan to take the extra year unless something comes up. after the PhD, i’m not sure what i’ll do. a lot will probably change by then so i’m trying not to commit to one idea. i might apply to post-doc fellowships and tenure track positions, or i might leave the country and teach overseas, or i might move to LA and try to get in a writer’s room somewhere. i’ve got a lot of options.

overall thoughts/stuff i learned

first of all, you don’t have to go through all of this to publish a book. you could feasibly just write a book and query agents. the only reason it took me this long is because my PTSD brain was sabotaging me every step of the way and i didn’t start taking anything seriously until i found something i was willing to fight for (teaching). i went the MFA/literary route but other, faster routes are just as good. maybe better. probably better. actually if there’s any chance you can go a different route, you should take it.

reflecting on all of this, very little of it has anything to do with talent or being a good writer. nor does it have to do with being at the right place at the right time. i’ve only made it this far because i took very small steps over and over again, and during that walk met people who could help me -- the authors who have mentored me, the editors who accepted my stories, the agent who signed me. and as i got further along my path, i started being able to help other writers in the way i was helped.

i don’t believe i’ll ever be a great writer. the best thing i can say about my writing is that it’s competent and accessible. everything i write sets out to do something and most of the time it gets the job done. i don’t imagine i’ll ever be able to financially support myself with publishing, and i’ll certainly never be famous or well-known, but i’m good enough to keep making progress. i’ll probably continue to find opportunities that are adjacent to writing and that will keep me afloat, pending my health and provided the country doesn’t devolve into civil war.

probably the most important thing i learned in all this is that having a wide appeal isn’t the goal. you don’t write to be lauded or liked. you have to stay as true to yourself and your interests as you possibly can, so that the people who come across your path can see you and help you. you’ll need those people; no one gets anywhere alone. if you pander, if you’re too concerned with praise and success or being adored, you won’t make it very far. the rejection will eventually kill you.

with all that said, my advice to you is this: never stop writing. the ability to share our stories is the single most precious thing we have. you can’t let anything stop you from telling your stories the way you need them to be told.

#writing advice #the writing life #writing update

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serendipitywrites · 4 years

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If only I could undo

angst. mark lee x reader/hwang hyunjin x reader this was an angsty request. 👉👈 (I hope you like it! ♥) words; 2,102

Mark isn’t exactly sure when everything started to fall apart, he just knows that in the aftermath of everything, all he had left was to blame himself.

It happened slowly, to the point that he didn’t even realize how bad things have gotten.

It started off as small things, like not picking up your calls right away or him falling asleep without calling and wishing you goodnight. Things that he didn’t really notice, but of course, you did.

He remembers calling to tell you he will finally debut. He’s never felt more proud of himself than the moment you replied ‘of course you are. I’ve always believed in you.’ it felt almost as good as hearing you tell him that you loved him for the first time.

2015

‘Mark?’ you both were sitting outside, watching the sun slowly set together. His head was in y/n’s lap, his safe place. It being summer, the air was also finally starting to cool and you both greatly welcomed it. ‘Yeah, babe?’ he stares up, his fluffy black hair bouncing slightly. ‘I’ll miss you so much when you go back to Korea..’ he hears timidly. he sees you try and turn your head, not wanting him to see you upset. ‘Yeah?’ Mark sits up and pulls your head into his chest. ‘Cause I have no idea how I’m going to go through being away from you. The thought of coming back here to you is what makes it all worth it’ he kisses the crown of your head softly. He can tell that you are crying in his arms, little shakes trembling through your body. He just holds you tighter. ‘I feel so selfish, Mark.. I just love you so much.’ you sniffle ‘and fuck, I’m so proud of you. So proud.’ he wants nothing more to tell you that he’ll be home in no time, but he knows he can’t promise you that. It would be a lie. ‘I love you too, angel. It might be a while, but I promise to get you a ticket there as soon as I’m allowed. Plus, we have skype and everything.’ you look up at him, your eyes teary. ‘We’ll get through this, y/n.’ he notices that you look calmer now. ‘Promise?’ he sees uncertainty in your eyes. ‘I promise’ you both stare longingly at each other, meeting in a soft kiss, a kiss, and also a promise.

How did you guys go from that… to this? Again, Mark feels his chest ache with guilt and regret.

2017

You’d been calling him during practice the entire day and he kept telling himself he would just talk to you later. His later became two days later when you sent him messages in worry, needing to know he was safe and okay. After practicing their new choreo and endlessly training, he just felt himself snap, he just desperately wished it wasn’t at you. He grabs his phone in irritation ‘Mark, are things ok-’ he cuts you off ‘fuck, y/n! Seriously? I told you I’d call when I could.’ he blurts without too much care, even the other members stare at him in shock. He hears you breathing on the other end unevenly ‘I uhm.. Just.. wanted to make sure you were okay, it’s been a couple of days, Mark..’ he sighs in response ‘well, I’m fine. Just working 24/7 and attempting to sleep when I’m not’ the other line goes quiet for a moment ‘please take care of yourself, Mark. I’m worried about you’ suddenly Mark starts to feel bad for his absolutely unwarranted outburst ‘look, y/n, I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just been so intense lately. I promise I’ll make it up to you, though. Skype date tomorrow?’ he says softly and carefully ‘..can I pick the movie? Since you were a jerk’ he chuckles ‘of course, angel. Get some rest. Don’t forget our date.’ he hangs up.

Mark forgets all about the date

2018

It was the first time you both have seen each other since Mark moved, and he god, he had missed you. He was doing everything he could to make this trip special for you, even if he had to do it discreetly. He’d taken you to cafes in small parts of town and walks along the river albeit at three am when no one else was around. On the second day, Mark took you to meet his members, officially and not over skype/phone and it felt like having his family together, with you there in his new home, meeting his new friends. It was the fourth day of the trip when things started going sour. The group had to attend an event at a club. The members got dressed in expensive outfits and all styled their hair. Mark had to regretfully tell you that you weren’t able to go, with it being a ‘celebrity’ event. He could see the hurt on your face even if you were smiling. Moments like these, he hated being ‘famous’. He promised to come by your hotel after and order in some food and spend time together. Parting ways, Mark kissed you sweetly but rushed. ‘It shouldn’t be too long.’ Mark didn’t know that the same night he would be photographed dancing with another idol. It was for publicity but it honestly didn’t matter at this point.

He never made it to the hotel that night.

2019

The group has been getting so much recognition and attention and it finally felt like his dreams were starting to pay off. They’d been performing at award shows and actually getting nominated for those same shows. He hasn’t seen you since you visited last year and he won’t lie and say that it’s been easy. It feels like your entire relationship at this point is missed calls and unread messages along with promises that were rarely kept. No matter how long you both went without talking, though, you’d still find your way back to each other. The love was still there, the issue was that longing and hurt were there also. The group is going overseas to tour and he knows he will be even busier now. He knows you have college classes now as well, making time even more sparse.

Mark checks his phone for a bit before they board the plane.

y/n <3

You can do this, baby. Stay safe and make sure to eat!

He smiles. He truly feels undeserving of you.

He replies

Thank you, angel. I will, I promise. We’ll be together again soon, I have a feeling.

That same summer, Mark had a dating scandal with a makeup artist of theirs. It was just a simple kiss between two people who had no intentions other than to distract the other, but of course, there was photo proof of his mistake. before this, he truly felt untouchable. He promised endlessly that it meant nothing and it would never happen again.

Again, he was wrong.

now

All of Marks biggest regrets all lead to the same thing, wishing he fought for you. Wishing that he never let you go or let the fame get into his head. It’s been five months without you and two months since he found out you were dating again.

flashback

It turns out, that in the two short visits that you were there, you had met a friend. This friend just happened to be another idol, but of course, you didn’t know that. You were new to all of this.

The night after you saw photos of Mark and another idol dancing on each other, you sat by the Han river and listened to music, trying to distract your thoughts.

Apparently Hyunjin was there that night as well. You had confided in the stranger that night, and he did as well. It felt like two lost people finding comfort in knowing they weren’t completely alone. Hyunjin didn’t even disclose to you that he was an idol until you had to fly back home. Once he told you, you should have seen him differently, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. He never made you feel different or like you were on a different level. He always made time to talk and your feelings and emotions were never pushed to the side. You had tried telling Mark about your new friend, but he would just cut you off or end up having to end the call early. It really hurt. Mark only noticed when one day when you spoke about how cool you thought the latest stray kids comeback was. Instead of encouraging this friendship, Mark got irrationally jealous and accused you of chasing fame. Accusations flew out of his mouth before he even had time to think about what he was doing.

He knows he was wrong, but the anger and misplaced betrayal clouded his rationality.

About a month after this fight and that month being spent mostly alone or just fighting, you’d told him you had enough and as much as you loved him, you were so tired of being the only fighting for them. Again, instead of listening, he said he didn’t need you, that you just held him back. That same night, he lost you.

Now

Mark never thought he’d be in a position where he’d have to get over you, but here he is. Like the coward he was, he didn’t even reach out to you after you two broke up. It wasn’t until he saw a photo of you and your ‘friend’ Hyunjin holding hands, that he realized how badly he fucked up. Apparently even Hyunjins company supported you two being together. He’d see Hyunjin spend all of his free time with you and it looked like the members adored you (in photos, at least) their sweet noona.

Mark has been seeing photos of you both around Seoul and each photo tore his heart out, even if he didn’t even deserve to that this way.

Mark spends the last month trying to force himself to avoid social media. Seeing you two together just hurt too much.

The past several months have been filled with nothing but regret, and he’d been wallowing in self-guilt for too long. He decides to get a snack and head to the park, try and clear his thoughts. They were about to have a comeback, after all.

Making it to the park, Mark feels like he can finally breathe. The members weren’t constantly asking if he was okay or giving him worried glances. The silence is so welcoming, the sun is slowly starting to set as well, the sky a pink and grey color. Mark closes his eyes for a moment

‘Kkami, catch!’ Mark stiffens. He knows that voice. He loves that voice. He hears your giggle along with a small dog barking. He has to make sure. Mark turns around and see’s you slightly far away with a dog leash, smiling so brightly. You look… different. You grew your hair out, your cheeks finally have some pinch to them again. y/n is absolutely glowing. He can’t find it in himself to look away and somehow you don’t notice his presence, which hurts.

‘I’m back!’ he hears another voice.

Oh.

He can’t turn away, he needs to see this, he needs to try and let go, you deserve at least that.

Soon your new boyfriend makes it up to you with a scarf which you accept shyly. In response, Hyunjin gently grabs your hip and cups your cheek. Marks heart feels non existent right now. Shattered.

The next moment, you both meet each others lips gently and he can tell you are smiling into the kiss.

A few tears make their way down Marks red cheeks. He gets up from his bench, sparing one last look towards you. In some act of fate, you meet his eyes. You look shocked, confused. It’s the look that tells him everything he needs to know. that glimmer of hope he had has faded. He knows he will regret this for many years to come, never forgetting you.

I guess we’re really over, huh? He walks solemnly back to his dorm.

#mark lee angst #nct angst #nct 127 angst #nct #nct u angst #kpop angst #nct dream angst #mark lee x reader #nct x reader #hwang hyunjin #mark lee #kpop #kpop fanfic #stray kids #nct blurb #fanfiction #serendipitywrites

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jiminieloved · 4 years

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Lol, welp, since your submission page does say you’re accepting people venting their opinion about something, and other anons you’re getting today have made this topical, I’m going to submit a bit of a frustrated opinion piece to you here- though I totally understand if you don’t want to post it if you think others might take it the wrong way and feel like it’s inciting drama or something.

So bit of a hot take here, but I hold the opinion that Jikookers who insist that the post SY Final emails from TKers/hetshippers about stopping Jikook’s ‘gay performances’ worked, and that Jikook has ‘barely breathed’ and stopped interacting in public since then specifically because Big Hit won’t ‘let’ them because of those complaints, because they’re now trying to suppress their relationship and please Taekookers, are almost as frustrating as the crowd that starts weeping about how Jikook broke up every single time we go a week without a new moment at this point- it’s just two different forms of baseless hysteria grounded in insecurity. There’s a reason TKers have been widely mocked for coming up with conspiracy theories about how BH has turned TK into a tragic, forbidden love that is forced to stay apart, and I just hate seeing so many of us turn around and do the exact same thing the second we miss the boys for a minute. Now, allow to me explain WHY I think this idea is so silly, if I may

I guarantee that Big Hit gets complaints and demands about EVERYTHING related to the boys, that’s just the nature of overseeing literally the biggest band in the world- and yet people truly believe that of all the things they hear about, they caved to the emailed demands of what was most likely not even actually a full 100 people among BTS’s 1mil+ person fan base? You’re giving what was most likely a double digit amount of TKers (whenever anyone tries to bust out a tweet of people complaining about all the Jikook interactions that night that has triple digit likes, as if that’s proof that hundreds upon HUNDREDS of people were emailing Big Hit, I have to roll my eyes; one, a lot of that those likes probably come from people who have multiple accounts, and two, there’s way less energy involved with hitting like on a tweet than composing and sending an email-I would bet you anything that the vast majority of people who did the former never actually followed through with the latter. Not to mention that even if it actually had been a few hundred, which it almost definitely wasn’t, that’s STILL a completely insignificant portion of BTS’s fanbase) entirely too much credit if you think BH started suddenly declaring how and when JM and JK are allowed to interact just because of them; frankly, BH likely gets WAY more nutso emails from people about dumb things like wanting Tae publicly flogged for vaping or wanting JK kicked out of the group for having tattoos than they ever have about shipping matters- I’d be shocked if this particular issue was even a blip on the radar, or ever went beyond the administrative assistant in charge of sorting through fan emails laughing to themself as they deleted the nonsense.

But hey, let’s say the emails DID make it to the higher-ups at Big Hit and they WERE aware of them- thinking they started keeping Jikook apart because of them requires assuming BH places more weight into a few pressed emails than they do the entire sold out stadium being filled with the sound of hysterical, supportive, happy screaming every time Jikook were acting boo’d up that night, and, uh… WHY would you assume that, lol? Even IF BigHit is hypersensitive to how Army responds to specific ships, which I honestly doubt, I promise you any company would care more about the real-time reaction of a 60000 person true random sampling of the band’s fan base than a comparatively TINY amount of emails or tweets that, for all they know, are just being spammed by the same five people with an agenda across different accounts, and that real-time reaction to Jikook from 60000 random fans was extremely positive. Not to mention how Jikook is more popular than Taekook with both K-Army and J-Army, and it’s only I-Army that Taekook has the edge with; why does anyone think Big Hit cares more about a shipping subset of their third biggest market than a shipping subset of their first two biggest markets, if they’re going to care about shipping at all?

Then there’s the issue where I also think it’s kind of insulting to Jimin and Jungkook to suggest they would have even stood for being forcibly distanced to please some pissy Taekook fans, TBH. I’m not saying they get to live their lives as openly as they want 100% of the time, obviously as Idols there are things they make big concessions about, but Jungkook is a man who has been acknowledging since 2014 that a lot of their fans would be very upset with him if he ever got a tattoo, and who then still proceeded to get 20+ of them because that’s what HE wanted, Jimin is a man who saw fans complaining his shirt was too revealing and he should stop wearing it and proceeded to wear that shirt as often as possible throughout the next few weeks to make a point- you think they’d put up a fight like that for tattoos and clothes, but not for the person that we as Jikookers are assuming is their beloved partner? That’s not even getting into Jungkook being so vocal and so brave with gestures like GCF Tokyo and Rose Bowl; I would bet you anything that same man would not sit there quietly and nod along if an executive tried to order him to stop being seen with Jimin and start playing up his friendship with Taehyung for the camera more often, all just so they could please some obnoxious American teenagers.

And finally, and what might be the biggest point to me- the ‘Jikook has been dead since then!’ and ‘Something is clearly off between them since then!’ narratives are SO exaggerated by Jikookers anyway, ones who have lost all perspective about how they haven’t been in public much since November, and they both barely use social media anymore, so ALL content from them drops off dramatically when there’s no tour, no promotions, and no appearances happening. Shippers keep complaining that we’ve had barely any new content in 2020, it’s all been stuff that was filmed in 2019 and just released now, waaah, and I’m just like ‘…uh, yeah, and that’s the case for literally every ship involving Jimin or Jungkook, because the three weeks of album promotion we got are basically all either of them have been seen for this year.’ If they were both constantly around and acting affectionate with other members while visibly icing only each other out, then maybe I could get the conspiracy theories, but I genuinely can’t recall any significant interactions either of them have had with other members outside of the clearly planned and scheduled V-Lives- not that this means the interactions in said V-lives weren’t genuine and cute, for the record! But it’s not like Jungkook was just hanging out at Tae’s apartment and they spontaneously decided to go live- Big Hit clearly had these particular lives mapped out and they��ve essentially been part of the boys’ current work schedule. They’ve both made themselves scarce, period, you can’t get ‘fed’ by people who just straight up aren’t making public appearances or using their social media accounts- and when we HAVE seen them, like in the last two OT7 lives, they’ve very much seemed like their normal selves and have been right by each other’s side, per usual. Also, when you look back on years in your mind as a compilation of significant moments, it makes you forget that even in 2018 and 2019, it wasn’t uncommon to go weeks or months between content; your brain just selectively filters out the time in-between that you spent waiting to remember only the good stuff we got those years, and it makes it feel like it was a constant flood of moments happening all at once; you remember ALL of 2018 and 2019 as their respective best dozen moments, forgetting that there was plenty of time in between even then, and that Jikookers frequently threw embarrassing fits about how they had clearly broken up any time their ‘feeding schedule’ was off for a few weeks even then.

And I mean, the face smushing pictures that have already become a Jikook fandom all time favorite moment were post SYF, the chest groping performance of Home was post SYF, them lovingly smiling while singing The Earth Traveler directly to each other and the behind the scenes clip of them looking just as smitten during the recording was post SYF, the extremely flirty and domestic New Year’s VLive that had Jikook fandom dying was post SYF, the video of them flirting about how long they’ve been a unit was post SYF (not to mention how Big Hit deciding to give them a photobook subunit in the first place, or deciding to include that flirty footage in the album release event stream, were both choices made post SYF), the big Jikook feast that was Winter Package was post SYF (and again, BH didn’t HAVE to include all that Jikook footage, and they DEFINITELY didn’t have to write the very shippy captions that one had- they chose to), Jimin holding Jungkook’s arm in the airport was post SYF, them holding hands while walking off stage at the Japan muster was post SYF, Jungkook calling Jimin cute and sexy during the album release and all of their flirting across the table and hugging and touchiness that same night was post SYF, the V-Live where Jimin was being very affectionate with Jungkook and there was that adorable minute long sequence where you could tell how badly they were fighting the instinct to hold hands was post SYF, Jungkook publicly and proudly losing his mind over Jimin the Black Swan reaction video was post SYF, them choosing to let us see them happily riding home together was post SYF, Jungkook stopping dead in his tracks and abandoning the routine to just lovingly stare at Jimin for two minutes straight during Carpool Karaoke was post SYF, the cuddling and spooning during recent Run BTS episodes was filmed prior to then, but BH’s decision to include the footage and post the photo was post SYF, same with all the season’s greeting Jikook footage, same with BH deciding to make the 5th Muster DVD an all out Jikook holy grail, same with BH having the Speak Yourself Japan behind-the-scenes footage be more Jikook than anything else. If that’s Jikook after supposedly being ordered to stay away from each other or to at least ‘tone down the gay’, and if Big Hit’s idea of pulling back on Jikook means still having the behind the scenes footage on the next 4 paid content DVD releases be LOADED with Jikook and basically revolve around their interactions, then call me crazy, but I think things are gonna be okay

#submission #yesssssssss #pls get notes this is everythibng i've ever wanted to say in one post #thank u #jikook #jikook discourse

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han-made-bookbinding · 3 years

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Music: Miniature Board

“Music” Miniature Board Commissioned as part of a series on the same theme by Neale Albert, New York, USA. Measuring 3 inches square Made in 2020

This series of boards was inspired by a collection of full size boards which Neale Albert was shown during a trip to George Bayntuns in Bath in 2018. The boards he saw had all been made by members of Designer Bookbinders for a separate project on the theme of Architecture. This project gave Neale the idea for a new project: a series of miniature designer bound boards on the theme of music, three inches (7.62 centimetres) square in size. In early 2019 myself and a number of other binders were asked to participate in this project. Each binder was given total control of the design of their piece (as usual for Neale's commissions) the only common ground between them was to be the size and the musical theme.

Neale started collecting dolls house miniatures in the mid-1980's, which then progressed to commissioning miniature reproductions of his favourite things leading eventually to having entire miniature rooms made for him. But of course miniature rooms need miniature things to go into them, and naturally when Neale's second room project was going to be the library at Cliveden House in the UK he needed miniature books for the shelves! Initially these were blank books purchased at doll house shows until he discovered the world of real miniature books with real type and real illustrations.

I believe that this was the start of Neale's passion for collecting miniature bindings, commissioning bookbinders from around the world to create miniature books for him. Over 250 of Neale's bindings are illustrated in the 2008 publication, “The Neale M. Albert Collection of Miniature Designer Bindings: A Catalogue of an Exhibition Held at the John Rylands Library 4 June – 18 October 2008”, and he has commissioned many more since then too.

When I considered the theme my thoughts naturally turned to cellos as I played the cello up until the age of 20. I made it all the way up to Grade 8 (which seems unbelievable to me now as I can barely remember how to read music anymore!) and was a member of both the orchestra at my secondary school as well as a local music centre. I started learning the cello when I was at primary school - here I am on the far right!

I was also part of a record breaking attempt in 1998 and made it into the local paper (below on the right!). Nearly 4000 young musicians got together at the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham along with the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra and the conductor Sir Simon Rattle to perform Sir Malcolm Arnold’s Suite No.2, along with school children from all over the country - we successfully broke the previous record of 2212 musicians!

Sadly leaving home to go to university was the end of my cello playing as I decided I didn't want to take such a large instrument away with me. It sat in the cupboard at my parents house for many years however I am pleased to say that it has finally gone to a new owner and is being played again.

As luck would have it a neighbour of mine is a luthier, based in Somerset and specialising in cellos. Kai-Thomas Roth was born in Germany. From the age of eight he knew he wanted to become a violinmaker and made his first instrument at the age of thirteen. After training as a cabinetmaker in Switzerland he came to England to study at the Newark School of Violin Making. Following work experience in the trade he established with his wife Caroline Crowley their business as makers of fine instruments of the violin family in 1990.

Below: Head of Baroque cello, No 103, after Guadagnini (Photo Credit: Kai-Thomas Roth Instgram account @kaithomasrothcellos)

Specialising exclusively in making bowed stringed instruments all experience and expertise gained since 1986 are concentrated on the manufacture of these intricate complex artefacts. For that reason Kai-Thomas neither has a shop nor employees and he does not deal in old instruments or undertake repairs. This puts him amongst the few makers who immerse themselves completely in creating instruments but amazingly he's never played the instrument he so lovingly creates!

I approached Kai to ask whether he had any technical drawings of cellos that I might borrow to base the design of my board on. What he lent me was a drawing of a “Violoncello Piccolo” made by Johann Christian Hoffmann in Leipzig in 1732. This instrument belongs to the Museum of Musical Instruments of Leipzig University and the maker was in Leipzig at the same time as Johann Sebastian Bach. This violoncello is a small cello that would be played braced against the shoulder rather than between the legs. This instrument is also a five-string version of the instrument, standard cellos have just four strings.

The inner board was made up as I would make up the board for a binding. Two 1mm think squares of Gemini board were glued together, with a piece of kraft paper glued on the inner side of the board and two layers of 145gsm water colour paper to the outside. Once dry the outside face of the board was bevelled using sandpaper.

The front of the board is covered in “Colvert” coloured bull skin from the Remy Carriat Tannerie in France, this was edge pared for the turn-ins using my Brockman paring machine and then further pared with a rounded scalpel blade. The bull skin is very stretchy and difficult to pare with a conventional paring knife so I have found through experimenting that I get the best result using a scalpel with a size 23 Swan Morton blade in it.

I traced the scroll section of the cello, including the top peg, onto some paper and transferred this onto the back of the leather I chose to use for the board. I then embroidered a series of individual short lines in a variety of colours of cotton thread to break up the uniform blue of the leather. These stitches were done around the outline of where the scroll was going to sit on the board.

The leather was then pasted to the board, turned in and left to dry. I then cut out the outline of the cello scroll (within the line of stitches) and peeled this away to leave a void. I used two varieties of veneer (Rosewood and Elm), which I backed onto card to give extra thickness and strength, cutting them out very carefully with a sharp scalpel so that they exactly matched the void that they needed to fill.

They were glued in place using PVA glue and held with small clips whilst the glue dried to ensure that they dried flat. Where the veneer met the edge of the board I bevelled the veneer to match the profile of the leather as it thinned towards the edges.

I forgot to take too many photos of how I built up the detail on the veneered sections of the board (I was enjoying this part too much and forgot!), but I drilled small holes right through the board using a fine drill bit in my Dremel and added outlines using thread sewn through these holes. I also added a thin wash of acrylic paint to some areas of the veneer to add an appearance of shading and depth to the surface, plus I also included some detail in gold leaf to jolly up the design!

Finally, I used thin gold wire that was also passed through more small holes drilled in the board to depict the cello string wound round the topmost peg. The wire was passed through the board and embedded into the reverse before being covered with the infill on the back of the board.

Once the back of the board had been infilled and built up it was time to work on the design for the back of the board. I cut a small piece of vellum to 3 inches square and traced another part of the cello technical drawing onto the reverse of it using a light box. This section included part of the F hole and the bridge that supports the strings.

I was then able to use these lines as a guide for embroidering the design using the same colours of thread as used on the front of the board.

I also used some gold leaf and small elements of the “Colvert” bull skin to match what I had used on the front of the board.

The back of the board was built up with a couple of layers of Zerkall paper and sanded flat. Once the vellum was complete I stuck it down to the back of the board and left it to dry, making sure I rubbed it down all over to ensure it stuck down properly.

And so we had a completed board! All that was left to do was to add my signature and a small number annotation to the vellum back of the board then it was photographed and posted over to join the other boards in New York. This was a very pleasurable little project to work in in amongst other commissions and I was pleased to reminisce back to my more musical days!

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dragons-bones · 4 years

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FFXIV Write Entry #3: Red Sky in the Morning

Prompt: muster | Master Post | On AO3

Oh, look, it only took until day three this year. :3 This one formalizes some headcanons I have about the Arcanists’ Guild and is also a prequel to previous years’ fills: “The First Day” (FFXIV Write 2018) and “Suffer, Promise, Witness” (FFXIV Write 2019).

The main lecture hall at Mealvaan’s Gate was only half full, but those who sat in its seat were the senior members of the Arcanists’ Guild: graduated students, masters and doctoral students, professors, and the assessors and agents of the customs house itself. No apprentices and no one under the age of eighteen in the case of those savant-like graduates was allowed in the hall, although none of the staff doubted half the apprentice corps had their ears pressed up against the doors trying to overhear something. But the snooping of the baby arcanists aside, this was the business for adults.

Normally, the Guild’s primary auditorium was filled with golden sunshine, the bright blue sky visible from any of the windows. But today, as it had been for too long now, the skies were darkly overcast, no open sky unless one sailed west for three days out into the Indigo Deep, and the light was thin and watery—and tinged red.

Dalamud sank ever lower in the sky.

Synnove rubbed her temples, a fresh headache forming behind her eyes. The Admiral and Maelstrom would be departing for the Carteneau Flats within a sennight, and the Guild had been arguing for four bells now on how best to proceed. A battalion of infantry from the Knights of the Barracuda would be staying in Limsa Lominsa to maintain order, but most of the arcanists were of the opinion that there was something else the Guild could be doing to assist their home. As always happened when too many arcanists got together to share opinions, however, shouting broke out and petty grievances took over.

Academics were a bull-headed lot.

“Joining the van would be idiotic,” Mhaslona snarled, hands on her hips as she stared down Bontensont of the aetherochemistry department. Synnove bit back a groan, unbelieving that the argument had circled back around to this topic for the third damned time, even as her former mentor continued: “Not a single arcanist here has any combat training beyond small unit tactics, on top of which those small unit tactics have been designed for the close quarters of cargo holds. We’re a liability on an open battlefield and more likely to be underfoot of soldiers, none of whom are likely to be familiar with our magicks.”

“Just because you’re too much the coward—”

“Sit DOWN, Bontensont!” Thubyrgeim roared, finally losing her temper.

The elezen, having gone white as soon as the last word of his had left his mouth, immediately dropped his seat and ducked his head under the furious glares of both Mhaslona and the acting guildmistress.

Synnove didn’t envy Thubyrgeim in the least. The woman was only four years older than her, but her level head and grasp of bureaucracy, on top of her mastery of arcanima, and gotten her promoted to assistant guildmistress last year when K’rhid Tia finally bothered to swan into the city for the first time since Synnove had even joined the Guild. While she had more than proven herself able to manage the diverse personalities that populated the Guild, most of whom were decades older than herself, not even Thubyrgeim was without her temper. Synnove was impressed she had managed to last this long without snapping.

Their guildmistress-in-fact glared around the hall at her arcanists from her place at the podium. Someone had brought her a chair, but she had remained standing the entire time as she had valiantly moderated this debacle of a discussion.

“We have gotten nowhere productive these past few bells,” Thubyrgeim said icily, “save to repeat the same points over and over. Mhaslona is correct in that none of us have the proper training to stand shoulder to shoulder with either the Knights of the Barracuda, or even the volunteer adventurers of the Foreign Levy.

“Chalbi also rightly pointed out it would be illogical for us to assume logistical duties; similar to combat, we don’t have the experience to know the Maelstrom bureaucracy, its supply lines, or its supply needs. Our healing magicks are further limited, nor are we trained in first aid, as N’tahja said, so our use as medics is limited if not actively harmful!”

She swept her gaze from one side of the auditorium to the other and sighed heavily. “I know you want to be of use just as much as I,” she said. Her voice was quiet, but the acoustics carried it to every corner of the room. “Eorzea stands on the brink of destruction, and sitting by and waiting for it to happen—or waiting for someone else to do something about it—is unacceptable to us. But if we act rashly and if we keep falling into petty squabbles, we will do more harm than good.”

Silence settled on the arcanists, each absorbing Thubyrgeim’s words as they sat and thought.

Finally, after long minutes:

“…What about acting as a communications or signal corps?” Ricard from the mathematics department said.

There was a rustling of cloth as most of their colleagues shifted in surprise.

“We all know the flag signals the Knights of the Barracuda and Maelstrom use for their field deployments,” he added, “it’s how we signal our own ships if we’re on assessment out in the harbor and how we know if they have any trouble while escorting merchants. Unless they’ve suddenly adopted a completely new system, that is something with which we can assist.”

Mhaslona, having sunk down into the seat next to Synnove during Thubyrgeim’s speech, hummed thoughtfully. “More communications officers to spread out among both the regulars and the Foreign Levy,” she said. “And if need be, we’re the better option to send running to another squad, too, leaves one more sword-arm on the line.”

“The carbuncles can run messages from unit to unit as well,” Synnove called out. “Either written or recorded. We know Dalamud’s descent has been creating aetheric interference; we can’t know if linkpearls may fail entirely, and the double redundancy of physical signals and messengers could prevent a total communications breakdown in a worst-case scenario.”

“Useful in the city, as well,” Bontensont said slowly. “Having an arcanist with each infantry unit patrolling provides the same safety net for communication, and the close quarters of our quays are similar enough to ships’ holds that our current trained tactics would remain effective with little collateral.”

Thubyrgeim smiled slowly. “Well now,” she said, “there are the arcanists I know so well.” She glanced around the room. “Objections?”

None.

The guildmistress nodded. “Right then, I will begin writing the proposal to the Admiral immediately. If anyone has any further ideas, you have until sunset to stop by my office. Dismissed.”

Mhaslona clapped Synnove on the shoulder as they both stood. “We’re on our way, Greywolfe,” the Sea Wolf said, a touch of pride in her voice.

Synnove smiled at her, though it was small and strained. She wanted to be useful, to do something, but though the Guild had finally found its course, trepidation still sat heavy upon her.

And Dalamud continued to sink ever lower.

#ffxivwrite2020 #final fantasy xiv #oc: synnove greywolfe #oc: mhaslona fhilfhiswyn #thubyrgeim guldweitzwyn #dt's writing #okay so this is less tears inducing than i had originally planned #mostly it's hurty if you're familiar with those previous fills :3

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nct-perrie · 3 years

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Perrie’s Dating History

❈Dating Overview ❈ ― Perrie never really had a hard time admitting she could have feelings for both genders. Luckily, she came from a very accepting home, so she never really felt nervous about telling them. Growing up, she had crushes on both men and women but she never drew any attention towards gender and she realized that she would be open to date anyone regardless of what they identify as. However, being in a relationship is very complicated for her because she knows she can be a lot to handle and not everyone will be comfortable with the way she acts - which she completely understands. So, she is usually very scared to get in relationships because she hates getting close to someone and then them leaving because her personality was too much or to hard to understand.

𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓙𝓲𝓷 𝓐𝓮

Duration: May 2017 - April 2018

Reason for break up: Perrie had to go home for personal reasons, so she broke up with Jin Ae because a relationship was too much for her.

Current Status: They’re supportive of each other and would still consider one another friends.

Song about relationship: Can We Just Be Happy Now by Jake Scott and Josie Dunne

Kim Jin Ae was born December 5, 1998 and she was under SM as a model trainee. The two of them met a few times when Perrie was a trainee and they kept in contact. As the years went by the developed a close friendship. In 2017, Perrie was having a really hard time and Jin Ae was the one she would lean on because she did not want to worry her members - or make them more worried than they already were. As a result, the two ended up admitting their feelings for one another.

Their relationship was a prime example of puppy love or first loves. Neither of them ever dated anyone so everything was a learning curve. For Perrie, she had a hard time at the beginning of the relationship because of her BPD, it caused a lot of inner and outer turmoil, that wasn’t exactly healthy. However, Perrie did not realize that until years later. Jin Ae knew Perrie had a personality disorder and that not everything she did was on purpose so she tried to remind herself that in order to lessen whenever Perrie hurt her feelings accidently.

Perrie kept this relationship a secret - even from the members - not because she was embarrassed, but because she felt much more comfortable with knowing that the relationship was just between the two of them. However, her members found out through the Dreamies who found out secretly which also ended up with Perrie getting upset and disappointed at them for a while.

Overall, despite the few problems, they both would say that they don’t regret the relationship. They acted the way they both believe people in love would act. After they met up after their breakup and Perrie came back to SM, they thought about trying it again, but Perrie soon realized that a relationship would not be good for her during that time.

𝓘𝓶 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓴𝔂𝓾𝓷

Duration: April 2019 - February 2020

Reason for break up: The relationship wasn’t the best. It wasn’t exactly toxic but the both of them were too different and wanted different things inside the relationship.

Current Status: Supportive but awkward. There are no negative feelings because both recognize they made mistakes.

Song of the relationship: Arms around you by Jamie Grey

Perrie met Changkyun in early 2019 because she actually took part in his Horizon mixtape. While preparing, the two spent quite some time together and they both really enjoyed being around each other. It was a few months later that Changkyun asked her out. Perrie was hesitant at first because she was nervous that he would leave after they got closer together. It wasn’t until she talked to some of her members, who convinced her to go on at least one date and see.

The first few months of the relationship were very easy. After the first few dates and after confirming that they are in a relationship, they both got really busy. Therefore, Perrie could hide her more negative traits of when her BPD was acting up more than usual. However, since they were getting more comfortable with one another, they unintentionally did things that hurt the other.

Changkyun was someone who liked his alone time and liked the push-and-pull game. While the rational part of Perrie could understand him needing his own time, the other part of her got insecure and scared. The whole push-and-pull game he did, while he truly meant no harm, made it worse for Perrie. However, Perrie also caused some problems, she wasn’t as open with him and tended to get very sharp and unintentionally say some things rude when he pushed a bit to far. This all led up to a very big fight where both said some insensitive words. They managed to get over it, but the fight was lingering in both of their minds.

The following few months they dated, it went from being very sweet and cute to a lot of tensions and toxicity. Perrie ended up feeling stressed whenever they got together and couldn’t wait until she got home. There were many nights where she was second guessing herself and crying. The two did not exactly get together to call it off, the both just knew that this was not a good relationship. There was still tension but they ended up getting past it when he called her when he learned she was in the hospital. He still cared a lot about her and worried about her so he felt like he needed to call. This call smoothened a lot of things out for them and eased any negative feelings they might have harbored.

In this relationship, Perrie learned a lot, she got hurt a lot, there was a lot of drama and damage, but despite all this it taught her a lot. She learned what she needed in a relationship and what she needed to work on. She knew she had stuff she needed to work on and this relationship pointed it out. Overall, it taught her lessons about love and made her stronger for the future.

#NCT #nct fem #nct additon #nct female #nct member #This is in no way a hate toward Changkyun #NCT female additon #nctau #nct Perrie #Perrierelation #nct 22nd member #nct 24th member #nct au #Perrie #nct additional member #Perrierelationship

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