#we're both fucking feeling the absence and it's apparent

[onyxhellebore]

x

#fuck i'm having a bad night that should've been a good night #went to the show for my cousin's band it's their very first show they opened for some out of town bands #mostly to get people in the room to see the bands bc everybody loves him so much #and i wanted to go and my roomies wanted to go and the one was hoping to network and then we got there and like #my roomies are having a bad anxiety day and i'm fucking struggling as well #my cousin's desperately trying to make shit work he's got a surgery coming up he's got his n95 so he doesn't get covid #and put off this surgery he's been needing for four fucking years #and i'm here with my chronic fucking fatigue and updates on my sister trying to be cheery before we go on but like #we're both fucking feeling the absence and it's apparent #last time we were both in that room together he was starting another band the room was fucking full #his parents were there his brother was there my sister and i were both there and everyone was cheering and had energy and life #and there's just so much fucking ABSENCE #and the mic doesn't work so the singer just doesn't sing lyrics for the songs in the set that were supposed to have lyrics #and we ended up leavving bc again the roomies were anxious and i was fucking exhausted and like #i'm trying to salvage this night i posted the poem i had written i'm doing my fucking best #i ate the last of my birthday cake but i dropped a slice on the floor lol #idk i am just feeling the fucking absence tonight #a lot of the time i'm very content with the ways i've adjusted and the life i've rebuilt for myself but tonight i'm just like #fuck it was supposed to be different #i wish i could time travel lol #there is so much missing from me idk

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

ofmd s2e4 rewatch where i pause to jot down my thoughts and other random shit

it's been a busy week since last thursday and shit's only gonna get busier for me after tomorrow so hopefully i can get through these two episodes out before i go to bed lol!!! anyway once again these posts are just me rambling so i can process the insane amount of information in these episodes and if u want to read them too that's fine.

s2e1, s2e2, s2e3, s2e4, s2e5, s2e6, s2e7, s2e8

rip everyone who wanted homoerotic sword fighting in the gentebeard reunion. have a headbutt as a consolation prize.

obsessed with stede holding raw room-temperature meat against his bruised face bc that's not even a little bit how that works. i love this show.

ok so jim saying "he'll probably get around to killing you after he's rested" in response to stede saying ed needs to regain his strength actually gives some pretty good context to why they want ed of the ship so bad. bc they DID fully try to kill ed and now he's here and alive and like. if i were jim i would be pretty worried abt ed holding a grudge abt that.

wont lie stede being like "we dont just banish people, that's not us!" makes me thinkg abt how they fully banished izzy from the ship in e6. i mean technically izzy banished himself on accident but. lol.

also izzy's absence in this scene indicating he is not yet considered part of the entire crew

roach: i need that steak back, it's dinner stede: (pulling the steak away) oh, right fang: maybe let's put the banishment to a vote? stede: (steak back on his face, apparently having forgotten he was literally just about to give the meat to roach) aw do we have to :(

ed chained to the ship is doing. a lot for me. i wont lie.

buttons saying he's been to the gravy basket a few times... how many times has this man almost died??????

it is deeply funny to me that they edit the split second flashback of the drowning and mermaid hallucination to look all creepy as if that whole scene wasn't set to an incredibly sappy 80's love song (said with immense affection)

OBSESSED with stede trying to be like. encouraging to izzy. and being like "he cant hear you he's got no head" about izzy yelling at the ruined figurehead. this fucking dork.

so ive seen ppl talking abt how the crew's in a deadlock abt banishing ed and which ppl they think were pro-banishment and which were against, but the scenes with the crew make it look like everyone's voting for ed to get kicked out. so tbh i think like either of the following interpretations are pretty valid: the crew is split 50/50 on if they should banish ed OR the crew 100% wants to banish ed and stede was gonna try and leverage izzy's vote to try and get more ppl to change their mind. doesnt rlly matter either way tho

also the fact that izzy was the one to keep ed's body is. interesting. the others must've known abt it and helped izzy hide the body in the secret room. but izzy being the one to be like "no we're not throwing him overboard" is. something. no conclusions abt this atm im just rotating this fact in my brain.

i also just have a lot of thoughts abt the mutiny and the fact that like, jim's a trained assassin and the others are also pretty experienced killers and they probably knew they hadn't completely finished the job. and there was plenty of opportunity for them to do something about that. but instead they hid his body and waited for ed to succumb to his injuries. it feels kinda like ed's "technically i outsource the big job" rule. idk. thoughtssss.

frenchie in this scene is so funny bc he seems both actually apologetic abt kicking ed off the ship but also very relieved/vindicated to see him go.

didnt realize olu almost said smthng to ed lol i thought ed was just saying "fuck you" to him for no reason ghfjkghjkfh

"first time i've ever been on this side of a walk of shame" wee john i have so many questions. how many times have you been banished from a ship.

obsessed with archie just being like "way to make this awkward brah." her shitty boss put her life at risk in an attempt to make her and her coworkers kill him in a weird roundabout suicide attempt and her summary of the situation is "well, this is awkward :/"

"shitty sailing with you" sick burn, jim

"you're making it really hard to look up to you, man" LOVE how black pete is still a blackbeard stan. despite everything.

just ONCE i want someone to appreciate roach's sandwiches :(

"dont you want your sammy" STEDE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

also i disagree with the subtitles here im like 99% sure says "you're no fuckin mermaid" not "you're not a fuckin mermaid" but that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

stede looks SO sad abt not being a mermaid

love how everyone in this episode just sort of nods and is like "yeah okay" every time buttons tells them he's turning into a bird

altho with stede in this scene specifically im convinced that he's just jumping at the chance to follow ed to the island. he was absolutely gonna come up with some shitty excuse to go ashore anyway but it's nice of buttons to give him plausible deniability

i love how much ed hates nature

why do the subtitles say "gyp-" this has been bothering me all week. the line is "like a drifter"

i also love ed's line delivery of "a wolf?"

anyway dumb posts abt the spider tattoo backstory: 1, 2, 3

i love to see ed getting hugs... wish i could give him a hug :(

ok also buttons talking abt the gravy basket made me think ed needed like some sort of spell or smthng to snap out of it but instead it just kinda wore off by the end of the episode (maybe, depends on how you read the whole buttons turning into a bird scene). this is very funny to me for some reason

anne rubbing the cup she's holding against her tit. queen.

stede bonnet idiot dumbfuck moments

i LOVE anne's line delivery of "eddie motherfuckin teeeeach" like yeah that's cj's girl alright. or was cj's girl. who knows.

SECRET HANDSHAKE im cryinggggg. i love them.

stede's voice sounds so weird when he says "i wasn't looking for you" and that's because he's fucking lying through his teeth

LOVE how anne and mary look at each other after the "shipmates" "former" interaction like they are immediately on the same wavelength. and that wavelength is fucking with ed and his ex. they sniffed out a messy relationship dynamic and were like "oh hell yeah we need more of this in our lives"

ed is SO bitchy this whole scene i fucking love it. ed's face when he says "him?" fdhjksgfjhdgkj

ed: whatever 🙄 anne: whatever? 👀 mary: whatever! 😈

wee john getting more goth is so good

drunk izzy rambling at the ship's figurehead is so funny to me tho i miss drunk izzy

ed's crew lady macbeth "out damned spot" moments

i like how there's a goat in the background of this scene in anne and mary's house and it is unexplained and also never seen again.

ed's face after stede says "that's romance" is soooo good this bitch is so pissed. like oh would you have met me at the docs if i peeled the guard's face off instead of just paying him off? is that what fuckin does it for you???? not that it matters bc i dont care. but. cunt.

yeah im just focusing in on all of ed's faces in this scene. "quite the shift going from wearing people's faces to antique collectors" gets ed to freeze in the middle of bringing his drink up to his lips and just kinda stare off into the distance.

"how did you meet" has ed kind of frowning for a split second before stede starts answering and then he rolls his eyes very dramatically and sighs deeply

ed immediately being like "actually i was gonna kill him myself!" trying to undermine stede's meet-cute story. also anne and mary nodding along in complete unison bc this is just normal pirate conversation to them.

~~~

also as someone who has been team "no ed was dead serious abt the plan to steal stede's identity" this was very vindicating for me. it's a bad plan and it doesn't make any sense but logistics literally dont matter in this show. what matters is giving this story the "falling for the mark" trope makes ed's character arc in season 1 that much tastier!!!!

ed and stede going back and forth telling their story i cant fucking wait until theyre happily together telling this story and instead of ed trying to downplay it and ruin the meet-cute-iness of it they're just building on each other and being sappy and adorable

"more like i relented" one of the biggest lies i've ever heard this man say fjhkgjkfdhk

"until he completely boned it" SAY IT. FUCKING SAY IT. SOOOOO TRUE ED.

auauhghgh the beard bit......... crying

THE!!!!! QUIETEST LITTLE "thank you" OF ALL TIME. TIED MAYBE WITH ED SAYING "thank you" AFTER "i think you're very sophisticated" IN 1.05

i dont blame stede for trying to get ed to open up right after that bc that was the first bone ed's thrown stede's way since he woke up. unfortunately ed is not in the mood to talk abt his near-death experience and mermaid hallucination sequence.

LOVE anne's little gesture when she says "rabbit" and the little hip cocking

stede being like "uhhhh we could leave" during the knifeplay exhibitionism moment

i giggle every time at the way the crew is instantly like "fuck closing our eyes we're doing any fucking surprises"

ngl idgw the crew yelled abt the piñata reveal. but ok

loooove stede's half of the crew just blowing past all the screaming and tension from ed's half. jim screams "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!" abt the blindfold and roach is like "you won't want to stay the fuck away from this caaaake!" like roach fdhsjfgdhfjkghkj read the room?????

i love how much stede just. completely misses all of annie's flirting

ed coughing during the blunt session i love himmmmm

ok but ed's trying to be like "im totally over stede i dont even like him" and then ed reminiscing fondly with a distant smile abt the 1.06 stabbing scene

"and that was the... second time you left your wife?" underrated line

love how annie's been all quiet and seductive and then when she goes to make her move she's just like "WOUND THIS" and aggressively sits in stede's lap

also ok. "they're gonna be so jealous" is that annie talking abt ed and mary or is that annie using they/them pronouns for mary.

BUTTONS JUMPSCARE

also i love how they have that one medusa painting just. in their kitchen. im obsessed with the interior decor of this lesbian antique store that annie and mary live in

the way she's so touched by the poisoning attempt hjfgfjksghskjhgjkh

buttons being like "aahhhhhh do i give her... this bowl......????" fhjkghkfsjhk

"yeah, babe" TEALORANGES WIN

im honestly sad izzy's pathetic wet beast moment only really went for like three tiny scenes in one episode bc this shit was so funny to me. crawling away saying "you're born alone you die alone" over and over again. sir what are you even doing.

god buttons in this episode is so fucking funny bc i keep forgetting he's there. also why is he even there. like was he even invited to dinner or did he just sit down and annie and mary were like "oh ok i uh. guess we'll go make another plate??"

ed's face after buttons says the bit abt "i can tell this rabbit was intelligent" is soooo funny why is he so fucking pissed fdhsjkgyjdfkghjk

NO WAIT HE'S PISSED BC THAT WAS HIS FRIEND. THAT WAS HIS FRIEND THE WOLF HE WAS TELLING HIS SECRETS. NOW IM KINDA SAD :(:(:(

stede talking abt the sea when what he's actually talking abt is ed part 2 electric boogaloo

ed very calmly. standing up. and smashing the chair. im obsessed with him.

stede bonnet stupid dumbass moments

IMPROMPTU BLANKET FORT TIME

ed's voice is so quiet at the start of this scene he's not even yelling at stede until stede says "it's not fair" ohhhhhh my babygirl is so fucking sad........

"you ditching me without a note or anything" ed's literacy confirmed

"expecting me to just melt back into your arms" eddie my man. stede has not given literally any indication that he expected this at all. you are telling on yourself fhdjskghfkjshd

this scene is so fucking good i barely have anything to say abt it. just. u can rlly tell david jenkins wrote this ep himself lolll

"i was all in, mate. i was all in." IM SOBBING

oh nooooo i forgot that ed's line delivery of "im sorry my horrible naked chin disgusts you so much" isnt actually as sarcastic as the words itself make it seem. like it feels like ed wanted to say that all angrily and bitter but instead he just sounds sadddddd

ok ok but the way stede says "i love your chin naked or otherwise" and then after a pause (during which ed is keeping INCREDIBLY still bc u know otherwise he's just gonna burst into tearssss) stede whispers "ed" and ed is immediately like "don't" and then. stede going in for the "i love you" but like the way he's so slow with it?? he's literally like "i. love." and idk if it's bc he's trying to make this as clear as possible or if he's giving ed enough time to cut him off if he doesn't want to hear it

and ed DOES he DOES cut him off with "you don't get to say that to me" and he like. keeps glancing at stede out of the corner of his eye but not quite looking at him directly bc he knowwwwws it's like staring into the sun baby and ed knows if he looks at stede's face it's literally all over.

but also ed's face after stede pivots to "i love everything about you" he's SO pissed. he quietly groans and rolls his eyes bc this bitch. finding stupid loopholes to not being allowed to say "i love you." fuck this guy ed hates him so fucking much (lying)

oooooh when stede says "you don't have to say it back to me" ed's mouth opens and closes a bit before "not about to" bc this man is trying. SO hard not to cry (so am i but it's not working sorry there are tears on my face right now)

idk idk idk smthng abt "it's nice. feels good." makes me hurt so fucking bad bc the entire time since ed's woken up stede's been getting headbutted and snarked at passive-aggressively but stede's still like "i love being near you it makes me happy :)" brb i need. a fucking moment.

honestly tho how did annie and mary even overhear that bit bc they were on the other side of the room and stede was whispering SO quietly. opposite of when ppl in this show dont hear things despite the things being said like two feet away from them (1.03 geraldo and jackie talking abt how blackbeard was looking for stede, 2.01 zheng saying the indigo was worth way more than she spent on it)

LOVE how anne being like "stede likes the ladies" is how ed figures out "ohhhh wait ok theyre just fucking with us, got it" bc this guy??? liking women????? lmao

this also HAS to be why he gets over mary like his brain mustve gone "wait hang on why the fuck would he go back to her he doesn't even like women. guess maybe he really did panic huh" hdjksghfckghkjsh

obsessed with these TINY tiny details abt the ed/jack/annie/mary polycule dynamics we're given. ed would've expected as much from annie bc she's a fucking psycho. mary apparently used to not be like this. im putting the pieces together im connecting the dots.

ed and stede's knowing smug looks at each other. im obsessed.

annie being rlly sensitive to the word "bitch" im considering that more hints abt the polycule backstory

yayy fanny newspaper

"really? i mean she stabbed you, you poisoned her, and then she jumped on my face" stede this is all part of their very elaborate and deeply toxic sex life ok stop kinkshaming them

~~~

curious if ed and stede are too distracted by mary spelling out their worst fears to comment on all the smoke coming into the room

"everything must go" like a fucking clearance sale. this is such a silly line. this is a silly show. i love it here.

WHY DONT THEY MAKE OUT SLOPPY STYLE HERE THO

wait are they crying while they hug??? bro these girls are so fucking messy i love them

ed saying "see you guys" before he leaves them in their burning house. i would die for him

ok team arts and craft time while making a prosthetic for izzy. obsessed with how the b plot of this episode is literally "the crew struggles to get along but they eventually set aside their differences and work together when they realize there's someone even more cringe and pathetic than any of them"

"YOU ARE!!! HARASSING A CRIPPLE!!!!!!" is suchhhh a funny line im sorry im gonna miss izzy at his lowest fhsjkhjksf. literally they just knocked on the door my dude calm downnnn

obsessed with izzy being genuinelly touched and expressing it by saying "fucking cocksuckers." this man is allergic to having feelings.

stede and ed painfully talking over each other bc everything is awkward and difficult. i love them.

ed's face when stede offers to let ed stay. his very quiet "yis." the way he says "might be nice" and then VERY QUICKLY looks away

stede yelling GREAT at the top of his lungs fhdsjkguydfgfjkhl

i love when these guys try to play it cool bc theyre so fucking bad at it hgdfgvjfxdkgjjdkkgjhfdkh

stede bonnet dumb idiot moron moments

ed staring off lovinglyyyyyy

buttons jumpscare

also is that fucking sage. are we doing cultural appropriation here

buttons saying "Earth Wind and Fire i wanna go higher" hfjkhgfdjkhgjkh

i love how ed. does not question this "fuck yeah, brother. fly."

ed teach lovesick fool moments

i love how happy ed sounds telling stede abt buttons he sounds like his old goofy self for the first time all season.... im gonna cry

also i like how the crew adopts izzy as their new creature. 10/10

post credits scene is annie and mary at dinner with buttons. i guess it's after stede goes to comfort ed but before they go eavesdrop on that convo.

buttons enjoying his last meal as a human. and also he's like "there's too much fucking on that ship i need to get away from it all." and his way of doing this is becoming a bird. love that.

#ofmd s2 spoilers #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd season 2 #edward teach #stede bonnet #crew of the revenge #anne bonny #mary read #izzy hands #gentlebeard #s2e04 #txt #mine #og #ofmds2rwwiptjdmtaors

[pedroschka]

SHOTS!

Joseph Quinn x reader

Summary: you find yourself in a bar taking shots with Joseph Quinn and leaving with his phone number

words: 1,5 k

A/n: felt inspired by the Spain Story to finally start writing again! Big Thanks to @icallhimjoey for giving my brain a kick to keep me on track, much love!

Unsure of what distraction you wanna go after at the moment you lay cuddled up on your couch and switching between scrolling through your phone and watching some sitcom playing on the TV, which occasionally gets an amused Snort out of you.

It was Saturday and after an exhausting week, you told yourself that you needed a weekend for yourself and maybe clean up your flat, do the dishes, bring out the trash or do some sport. But this was another you plans which has no similarity to this you who was scrolling through memes for over two hours now, with trash and dishes still happily lying in the kitchen, untouched.

A new notification stirred you out of your trance-like state and you saw that one of your friends send you a message with a picture attached to it

- " Isn't this that bloke you're obsessed with the whole summer?? We're partying with him he's buying everyone shots!!! "

- image attached -

No fucking way.

You abruptly sat up, clinging to your phone with sweaty hands and zooming in on the picture with shaking fingers. There he was, Joseph fucking Quinn in the same bar as your friends, which you canceled on because of your stupid healthy second personality.

- " holy shit no way, I'm coming over!! Nobody fucking moves!!" you quickly type back

TV and phone forgotten and with a blanket still tangled around your legs, you stumbled through your flat to make yourself somewhere decent looking in record time, because no way are you meeting your celebrity crush for over 6 months in your pyjamas.

Surprised by yourself and the uber system you achieved to stand approximately thirty minutes after you received the text message, in front of the dimly lit bar from which a remarkable amount of chatter is coming off already, busy night for sure

You wriggled your way through drunk people towards your group of friends who already are beckoning you over with tipsy waving.

'' you got to be kidding me, the one weekend I cancel on you my future husband is in the same fucking bar! " you babble straight away, your way of greeting.

" Either he wants us all to know that he's rich or that he's British " "or both"  "but this man actually turned on a timer and every 20 minutes he's giving out shots" two of your friends giving you a recap of what happened in your absence

" we already got our rounds from him, you want some? " your other friend asks, and you looked at her with wide eyes and then at the table with a round of tequila shots, most of them already empty. Nodding quickly and right away drowned two tequila shots, desperate for some drunk confidence. Screwing your eyes shut for a second, embracing the burning feeling going down your throat

"holy shit, I can't believe he's really here"

" well let's go, talk to him"

Looking at her like she grew three heads " what... What do I even say to him?! Hello, I cried harder over Eddie's death than at my grandma's funeral?!"

" I bet he's already so drunk that he would just say thank you and offer you another shot"

Taking a big breath and focusing your eyes on the man in question at the center of the bar, a mop of tousled curls surrounded by a group of apparently other fans or just people who gladly engage with him in exchange for free booze.

Taking all your courage, and with shaking legs you made your way to the counter, sweaty hands grabbing the edge of it, just to have something to hold onto. You stand now only a few meters away from the very man you watched interviews of at 2am while giggling like an idiot.

Just as you rummage your brain for a charming but funny way to grab his attention, a shrill beeping sound went off, making you jump a little, and he suddenly swirled around, big brown eyes meeting yours, and shouted " SHOTS! " right at your face.

and before you know it you stand in a bar, in the middle of sweaty and drunk people taking tequila shots with Joseph Quinn.

Take that for a first impression.

Slamming the shot glass a little too hard on the counter and giving a comically 'whoop' from him, a few drops of tequila running down his chin you seriously asked yourself why the hell you were so nervous to meet him because now he reminded you more of your drunk uncle when watching sports games. But instead of your uncle, Joseph Quinn managed to look hot even when swaying and alcohol breath coming off from him, or you just were already in too deep.

" hi I'm Joe!" he shouted at you over the noise

As if he needed to introduce himself you thought but told him your name

"I don't live under a rock I recognize the man of the year when he stands in front of me"

"Oh shut up" he snorts a bashful smile on his face now

" no you are very subtle about it, even got a shot timer and everything! " you both started giggling and his hand finds balance on your arm like you didn't just meet each other 5 minutes ago

"in my defense..." he holds up his finger but dropped It again as nothing comes to his mind "I don't know I guess I'm just very British" and you both started giggling again. Intoxicated minds turning everyone into a stand-up comedian and best friend for one night.

After a few more drunk small talk and giggling you looked at him wide-eyed like a light bulb just went off inside your head

"ohh by the way British, I'm actually in London next month! Let's meet up!! " your voice getting louder with your enthusiasm and his eyes grew even wider at your information

"fuck you're kidding! That's awesome! We should totally hang, wait imma give you my number so you can text when you're there yeah?!"

You both fumbled with your phones, squinting at the sudden brightness and trying to make out the blurry numbers. Both way too excited over the possibility of meeting up again.

Right after, the next alarm comes off from Joe's phone and you linked your arms together and gulped each other's shots.

As the night continues you both lose count and conversations turned indefinite and slurred until you both part ways with the promise to meet each other again and a toddler-like hug, literally just holding onto each other so nobody falls.

...

You woke up the next morning and wished you wouldn't wake up at all anymore, glad you're actually lying in your own bed with clothes on but with what reward?! The biggest headache you ever felt and vomit already crawling up your throat. Hangovers were no fun but especially not after reaching the age of over twenty.

Around noon you felt good enough to finally check your phone, maybe it can help to fill your missing memories from last night if you even wanted to know.

The first thing you saw was a new message from your friend with an image attached to it, deja vu

"oh no" you mumbled shocked as some memories came back to you, very surreal memories!

In the picture, you and Joseph fucking Quinn, linking arms and taking a shot

Your friend's message under it

- '' thought you wanted to frame this <3"

Idiot.

Hastily scrolling through your contacts, not sure if your memories are wishful thinking or reality and in fact, under the letter J was a new contact

- Joeeeeee q.

Your stupid ass remembers telling him to put the Q behind his name so you can remember which one he is. As if you know so many other Joe's.

Now panic. You have joseph Quinn's number. Result of a very drunken night. Which he for sure doesn't remember. Does it even matter if you write him, He probably won't respond. You could just enjoy it and live in a daydream about him like all the other days before.

But otherwise...

You're staring at the message you typed in and your thumb hovers over the send button... It's now or never

- " was a pleasure to meet the man of the year last night! I don't remember much and you surely even less but I think we wanted to meet up next month when I'm in London" With your name under it, on second thought you even send the image your friend made of you both right after it.

Right after you click send you made an inhuman squeak sound, chuck your phone away from you and throw yourself face down on your bed again, face squished in a pillow and regretting every life decision you ever made.

After doing literally anything to busy yourself the Bing for a new notification on your phone makes you stop in your tracks while holding a now clean dish in your hand

"Please let this be mum, please let this be mum" mumbling under your breath while speedwalking into your bedroom again, anxiety unbearable

Taking a deep breath and opening your phone you saw that it was in fact not your mum writing you

- "you're right I don't remember shit, feeling like it too. How are you doing?"

-" do I really look like that when taking a shot?! "

From Joeeeeee q.

(reblogs and comments are very appreciated additional to your likes)

#joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn #joe quinn #joseph quinn fanfiction #joe quinn fanfic #fanfiction #drunk joe quinn

[sapphic-agent]

A lot of katara hate really stems from misogyny (internal too) cause wtf is this

https://x.com/bambied_/status/1753880126029242427?s=46

Apparently that other girl's name is Hachi? Idk, I've never seen this show before nor do I understand what the tweet is saying (I can't see the replies because I don't have Twitter, thanks a fucking ton Elon). If someone can explain in the comments please educate me.

But it's definitely true that most Katara hate comes from misogyny, internalized misogyny especially. Most women who hate on her go absolutely crazy for Sokka or Zuko or Aang while excusing their actions and making Katara out to be worst than she is. Or they "prefer" Suki's feminism over Katara's (which is especially dumb because Suki never faced the level of misogyny that Katara did, she grew up on an island that celebrates the last female Avatar and reveres its female warriors while sexism was rooted into the Water Tribes' culture).

A great instance of how the fandom treats Katara vs the male characters is TSR. Everyone will go batshit insane over Katara saying, "Then you didn't love her like I did," but not one of them will bat an eye over Aang comparing her to Jet (someone who used and manipulated her) in that very same scene. Not to mention that she's right, Sokka himself admits that he started to picture Katara when he thought of his mother. He didn't feel Kya's absence as much (whereas Katara felt Hakoda's absence as much as he did) because Katara was around to take care of him while no one was taking care of her. He isn't as full of grief as Katara is because he had her there to support him. Katara was parentified and it started with Sokka and continued through Aang and Toph. One of the failings of ATLA was that this was never addressed (and was even perpetuated by the show).

As for what you linked? I'm assuming the post is making some weird comparison? One thing I can't stand about any fandom- whether it's comic books fans, anime fans, book fans, or whoever- is the need to compare female characters from different media. Like, I can't stand people who are all, "nAmI doEsN't gEt haTe LikE saKUrA." I don't even hate Sakura, but why are you bringing in an unrelated character? Just because they both happen to be women? Because the other Strawhats (especially Zoro, Usopp, and Sanji) hit Luffy just as much, so Nami being the one brought up is misogyny in and of itself (also, as a Luffy lover, he usually gets hit when he's giving away money or putting them in unnecessary danger, so he usually deserved it). We need to stop using women to put other women down (both real and fictional).

Now, if we're saying, "Hey, this female character was handled better than that female character," that's different. But 9 times out of 10, that isn't the case

#anon ask #katara #pro katara #katara deserves better #aang critical #sokka critical #tagging just in case #tw misogyny #tw sexism #internalized misogyny #tw parentification

[kradogsrats]

TBH I think the reason I'm so obsessed with Lissa and the reason I write her the way I do is because like... this series is, like a lot of media, obsessed with the absence of mothers. Part of that is the usual media issue of "put a bunch of middle-aged dudes in a writing room and they will write something obsessed with fatherhood, specifically," but like... I think literally the only present mother in the series is Zubeia, and having said that, I would absolutely not be shocked if she has to sacrifice herself for Zym and the rest in one of the remaining seasons.

Because of the five other mothers in the show (Sarai, Lissa, Tiadrin, Neha, and Annika), fucking four of them are dead (or in Tiadrin's case, technically not dead but there's no way she expects to ever see Rayla again when she and Lain confront Viren) due to heroic self-sacrifice. Three of them are queens, and die ostensibly to save a decent-size segment of their people. Tiadrin is an elite warrior chosen for duty, who swears an oath and (functionally up until S4) dies honoring it.

Lissa's... just a woman, as far as we know. She's just a woman whose marriage falls apart. And that means she gets cast a lot as selfish, compared to the selflessness of all the martyr mothers.

Lissa plays music. Lissa wears perfume. Do we think Sarai has a signature scent, or is that reserved for lady-ladies who aren't warrior-martyrs? She argues with her husband, she tends to her sick son. There's a very different femininity being implied here, and it's... interesting... that it's in the character everyone thinks is a selfish monster. The woman with no higher calling than her family and children, who leaves them behind, anyway.

So that's really what NCNE is a "fuck you" to, I guess... to have one fucking woman who wears full skirts and aprons, and isn't a swordplay master, and sings songs and bakes bread and does laundry and tends a garden and cares for babies, and who still has just as much intellectual and emotional depth, as well as strength and conviction, as Sarai or Tiadrin. Who has her own feelings about the selfishness of things like Neha and Annika both riding off to certain death when they have an infant daughter.

And I'm sure what we'll eventually get is either "Lissa is a heartless femme fatale who coldly walked away when things got hard" or "Lissa is a rugged warrior who /mumble mumble something about how she actually left for some higher cause," because that is apparently the dichotomy we're working with.

#for reference: i am about as far from femme as you can possibly be without actively being butch #and i would probably rather die than go through pregnancy and raise a child #i'm just very tired of narratively shallow action girls #the new madonna-whore #lissa #neither crows nor eagles au

[friedesgreatscythe]

i had a coffee at 5PM so my dumb ass is still Alert at a quarter to midnight lmao. as long as i finish this notebook tonight, i'll be Content. the rewrites demanded i write new things so i can make sense of what i have to redo, and it's been a bit intimidating, going off the rails like that for this draft. but i'm determined to get to the end of this rewrite, no matter how sloppy it is, by april 19th (because next draft is for further polishing). my therapist comes back that day after a month break, and we decided my homework during his absence is going to be all about holding myself accountable to progress, which includes working on this draft and finishing a rewrite this year.

plus it's the release date for taylor's album, and it kinda feels serendipitous to finish this novel draft on the same day an album with the name tortured poets department comes out.

other than that, i've been doing quite well. tapering off of effexor (venlafaxine) is going well. now that i'm taking b12 and vitamin d on top of the multivitamin i'm already taking, i'm feeling a LOT better. i'm continuing to take care of my mom, whose cast is coming off later this week. not sure if she'll be fully healed by then, but at least the cast is coming off. my sister is enthusiastically invested in ffxiv, which couldn't make me happier (and once i get steady income i'll get back on ps+ and play eso with her, so she can be my mentor and guide me through!). she's also watching game grumps more, which is so fucking exciting because NOW I CAN CRACK JOKES WITH HER WHEN WE HANG OUT AND SHE'LL GET THEM FJDLKS it's taken us literally 20 years, two fucking decades, but she and i are finally getting along and are friends. i can finally connect with larissa about things we both like!!

my brother has always been this way, so i'm not overlooking him.

my bio dad converted to Episcopalian, so he's been mentioning it when he goes to special services or giving us links to the services (he attends st. thomas's church in the city, which.. kinda makes me laugh because his name is thomas lol). they're quite beautiful, especially the choir. i don't begrudge him for this choice, but it does take me by surprise because he has NEVER shown ANY interest in religion for my entire life. if anything he's seemed rigidly atheistic. i asked him what made him want to do it, and he said it's to "be a calmer, quieter, better person." im not sure if he has faith in christ as much as he is drawn to the goodness of the people in the church, and what he thinks a christian should be, so in the end if it makes him happy and helps him feel better about himself, good for him.

he still owes me and my siblings literally thousands of fucking dollars as per the terms of his divorce agreement with my mother that he has been ignoring for over a decade, but apparently we're meant to overlook all that. that makes me sound like a greedy asshole, but my father has never been supportive in literal or figurative ways to us without us having to bleed his fucking stone heart dry, so while on the one hand i genuinely do want him to be happy with himself and become a person he can be proud of, on the other i'm like 'cool, so when will we see any of that change?'

but whatever. i'm mad about it but i'm not letting that distract me.

[badedramay]

little bit of a rant but: do you ever have a piece of media you really enjoy within its own bubble but that becomes really hard to enjoy once you're exposed to the fandom for it? i feel like that's what fairy tale is becoming for me lol. i did find it a lot of fun and thought the romance was cute but the fandom's inability to even entertain the idea that the show might have flaws really frustrates me. even moreso when this attitude is used to criticize other dramas (not talking about tere bin here. people can fully have at it with that) that are arguably dealing in way more complex ideas than fairy tale ever will. like not everything is about clear cut choices and forever well presenting characters! i do understand where the hype for either mc comes from (women feeling liberated of "responsible" decision making via umeed vs. women feeling charmed by a man like farjaad who does not resort to misogyny or violence) but i also don't think the expectations that come from that can be imposed onto dramas that are discussing more complex ideas often entrenched in exploring gender biases in our society. does that make sense? like if we're going to discuss some of the harms of society on the behavior of individuals, we are inevitably going to see some of those harmful behaviors portrayed and explored. and not every show goes the right way of actually criticizing those behaviors, but plenty do! and there is a cohesive point to why the harmful behaviors are highlighted, even if we don't like them! idk. maybe it's overly judgmental but i feel like i can't take fairy tale fans seriously half the time lol and i remember you feeling the same way when you initially talked about it way back when

fandoms have a way of either amplifying one's enjoyment of a piece of media or completely ruining it, there's no in between. I have lost count of how many shows that I used to enjoy with all my might, I had to step away from its "main" fandom from to be able to continue to enjoy them. fandom especially on twitter toh is more explosive than other platforms cuz the responses are so quick and there's almost nothing private there. hashtags are open for all of the users to explore. and even if you DON'T hashtag the show, there's still a way of what you're saying coming up for users either via a simple search option or by twt's fucked up algorithm that INSISTS on showing you the posts your mutuals interact with. there's almost no privacy there unless it's a locked account. that level of being public is not available on instagram and definitely not on tumblr where the rules of engagement are completely different and it's easier to tune out the fandom noise. (more under cut)

which is why no matter how much i TRY to, I cannot escape the FT opinions. and yes with time I have become more open to the show and its fandom but I still don't have a lot of respect for either of it. what you say is right, FT is a show has only ONE thing going on for it and that's the main ship. Umeed is apparently a refreshing character and Farjaad a green flag one and somehow just this combination is enough to overpower all of the show's other flaws. somehow their few good interactions in 30 episodes is enough to hail the show as some masterpiece. ya know I find is so funny that FT fandom has so cleanly separated their ship from the rest of the show. any criticism against the show's other characters and events is valid. but any criticism against farmeed is not as if they are an unrelated entity altogether??? how does that make sense??? khair. there's something that I was told ages ago which has influenced much of my perspective about gauging the quality of something. the "good" is not the "absence" of bad but the "denial" of it.

it's like "XYZ is honest" vs "XYZ is not dishonest". both technically mean the same thing. but the second statement first confirms that there's a trait called "dishonesty" that exists and then makes it point to state that XYZ is not that. it's such an important element to be incorporated in stories where the bad/evil first has to be established and identified before its antithesis is introduced. to address your points here...it's like the FT fandom just wants a very sanitized story to indulge in because they do not have either the capacity or just the sheer willingness to indulge in a more complicated story. Farjaad for the most part is a fairly easy character to root for. he's not a bad guy..even his slightly twisted actions are not done out of malice. his selfishness is "cute". one doesn't have to compromise or defend their morals to root for a guy like him and subsequently invest in his romantic endeavors. Umeed, on the other hand, is more twisted but like you said she's a character so liberated from the conventional ties of making the "right decisions for everyone's sake" that for "hardcore feminists" (the self-proclaimed majority of the FT fandom) her flaws are more the reasons to love to her than to criticize her.

Compared to this, the other PakDramas and their stories are more complex than that. unlike FT's sanitized route, these stories HAVE to show the hard to swallow traits in either the main characters or the supporting ones to drive home the point of what's the "good" there. take Yunhi for example. if not for Dadaji's patriarchal mindset, can Dawood's character really shine? Dawood is the antithesis of Dadaji. Dadaji, Razia, Danny, the Phupha..these characters are needed in the narrative to establish why the opinions of Kim and the ones supporting Kim are the "right" one. Kim and Dawood have to "fight" their mindsets to triumph. the existence and acknowledgement of these traits should precede the denial of them.

how the FT fandom makes up for any lack of "wrong" in its narrative is that it then turns to other stories and compares characters/situations from there to fill the gap of existence and acknowledgement of "wrong" that their heroes don't have in its own canon. so the bad guys become the other MCs of other stories who don't have a sanitized enough image. chalo TB is an extreme example, let's take examples of shows that fall in the same Ramazan special light hearted genre that FT is part of. for the fans of Farjaad, even someone like Arsal (Suno Chanda s1 as S2 is a thing that just simply does not exist) is not a good enough guy because of how he occasionally treated Jiya. Arsal has done the unthinkable of raising his hand on Jiya although no strike was landed, it's an offense that's so mighty that he automatically kicks him out of the "good guys" list which Farjaad is topping solo now. never mind that Arsal fucking up and then realizing his mistake and making up for it by supporting Jiya in a way that no one in the family was WAS his entire arc. but nah..it's bordering the grey line. and heroes should only be green.

the irony of the FT fandom then proclaiming to be the sanest and wisest of them all isn't lost on me.

of COURSE i can't take this fandom seriously. contrary to what they think they are doing i.e. sticking to their side by just hyping their fav..the reality is different. they have their noses stuck up in the business of every other fandom. sure the toxicity isn't as huge as the TB fandom but again, TB fandom is humongous. for its size, FT fandom has plenty of fuckery. and I have noticed this in my few interactions with them. it's better to keep distance from them..innka koi bhi opinion itna khaas hai nahin ke usspe dhyaan diya jaye.

#fairytale #type: opinion #twtbs

[californiagoddess]

Another thing I've been wondering a lot about this "sex strike" discourse is who the fuck it's supposed to be for. The people promoting it as if it's any kind of real solution (and not a ridiculously dehumanizing concept very disconnected from reality) seem to be mostly ssa women (lesbians and female exclusive bisexuals primarily) who have no stake in what they're proposing. They're telling other people to "strike" because apparently when osa women have sex it's a labor and a service? I thought most feminists against sex work were in agreement that our bodies aren't commodities but look how fast that went out the window the moment it suited them

Then there's het partnered women who are literally like "I'm going to keep having sex but other women should stop." Like??? Very much "do as I say, not as I do" for both of these groups.

Then, interestingly, I discovered a third group today. There's a post going around with about 1k notes that says something like "just stop having sex with men it's ridiculous at this point." Genius, truly. Why didn't straight women globally think of that? It must be because we're so stupid and dick worshipping

I went to that op's blog and she admits she has wanted a relationship (with a man, tho she conveniently glosses over that part) since she was young and now she's 30 and hasn't been able to have a relationship with anyone. She's pretty dissatisfied in life as a whole, unemployed and living with her parents, feeling hopeless and depressed. I don't say this to shame her at all, I really do feel for her. But considering her posts on this topic, it comes off very bitter and jealous, "if I can't have it, nobody should!" type vibes. Very immature imo. I can absolutely relate to being lonely and depressed, I was very much so in the past. But I never used that as an excuse to be hateful and misogynistic toward the women who had what I wanted.

So anyway, who is this for? Obviously not the same sex exclusive women, so they really feel entitled to dictate other women's sex lives. Not for the het partnered women promoting a "strike" who have declared themselves exempt. I don't see how it could be for the, for lack of a better term, female incels who are essentially calling osa women dirty sluts for having what they can't have themselves.

The premise assumes women are having regular sex with men, so an absence of sex would be noticed. So either these women have healthy happy sex lives and are supposed to repress their desires for some kind of bizarre "feminist" statement, or they're having unfulfilling sex which I don't think anyone wants anyway? Idk about you but if I had bad sex I wouldn't keep going back for more. I'm guessing it's only the women with very low self esteem and self worth who have regular bad sex with men in order to seek validation. And sorry to burst your bubble but these women have much bigger issues than caring about your little statement how our bodies are goods to be withheld (and presumably "given" as a reward??? 🤢) I doubt they're in feminist circles at all but even if they did see your enraged rants about how stupid straight women are... I don't think you'd convince them of anything but how much you hate them

[fizzingwizard]

and now a before-bed stress rant

I don't even remember if I bitched about how this term has begun. Suffice to say we are more understaffed than ever, and are relying on so many new hires, some of whom are lit fresh out of college and have zero experience working with young kids. And the thing about where I work is, when I first joined, there was a general policy that new teachers, unless they're very experienced, do their first year at the less busy schools.

Now the bar for experience is low: I was specifically moved to the school I'm at now after my first year because I was then considered "experienced." But IMO that first year really does make a difference. If I'd started at my current school, which is our company's biggest and busiest, I bet I would have quit like I've seen multiple first-year teachers do here. It's so much less stressful to learn the ropes at the smaller schools - which still have plenty going on! I found my first year very hard! - but at least I had room to make mistakes and figure things out. Here, the fact is we get by on the details. Everyone needs to know their part inside and out. That is what the company didn't value and why we're in such a jam now. They didn't value the workers who busted their butts for years, instead insulted and blamed them, and are now surprised that everyone except me and one other teacher quit. (Two are hanging on as subs, but one was at least partially, hmm, begged? bribed? lol. and they will both leave for good soonish)

The new teachers are having a rough time. I was out sick for two days recently, and while I wasn't there apparently there was some meeting in which a bunch of grievances came out, and someone even cried. It's only May for heaven's sake x'D the hard part is yet to come. we haven't even begun school events...! But that's how it is - the new teachers have just had so much dumped on them and had to hit the ground running because we don't have time for them to learn. It is fucking stupid. They are all great and really working so hard, but when me and a couple more experienced teachers brought up that we are exhausted and have child safety concerns because we are having to do too much classroom management on our own, the new teachers took it personally. Of course we assured them none of this is their fault (it's the company's!!!) and they are good people who took us at our word. But that kind of stressful feeling doesn't just evaporate. We need to find our rhythm, and in the mean time it is very difficult to hash out repeat problems without causing hurt feelings.

Now these past two weeks make it difficult for me to believe I was on a break in the first week of May lol. Part of that is getting sick. I had a great first week back, then the kid with the seizure thing happened - and the next day I had a fever. I got such a bad cold and in the end completely lost my voice. But I only have a few days of PTO left for the whole rest of the year, so I didn't want to use it all up. Plus, this week one of my coworkers was going to be off the whole week, and another off two days. Being so understaffed, we really can't afford teacher absences unless they're really necessary. So I've been going in, but most of the time I've feel tired, brain foggy, and congested. (For some reason the kids are all uber healthy tho lol)

Usually you get sick, lose your voice, and it comes back after a few days or a week. But it's been two weeks and I still can't talk about a whisper. I sound like a chain smoker. My hope when going back to work was that my coteachers would take over the talking. But I felt doubtful because I have two classroom coteachers, one I've worked with for a few years and she is just not a loud or talkative teacher, and the other is one of those new grads who's never worked with kids before. The first coworker did try her best. She's really amazing in so many ways. But it wasn't nearly enough help. I still had to talk so, so much. And that coteacher has so much writing in Japanese she needs to do during the day. While she's doing it, it's just me able to lead the kids. The new coteacher just doesn't know what to do. Anyway, she's been out this whole week and we've had a rotation of subs.

So I got sympathy from work, but really nothing to help my voice actually recover. There's no sub who could teach for me. I'm straining my voice every day and it's making me uneasy, although I know it does sometimes take longer for your voice to come back. I'll go to the doctor if it's still bad this time next week. But I really wish someone at work would have had a way I could get a little extra help during this time the kids can barely hear me unless I hurt myself shouting. I've completely lost all soprano notes lol.

Instead, work, while unintentional, has been even worse for me than it would have been normally. Because of the teacher absences, we've had that rotation of subs - but by subs I mean random part-timers, random admin, and random teachers from the older kids' school stopping in to help for a while and then leaving. These are good, helpful people - they just don't know the kids, don't know their personalities, don't know the behavior strategies that work with them, don't even know their allergies/medical info. It's so much pressure on us regular teachers even when we're healthy and have our voices. We should have actual subs who are trained in the school routine, but we don't. Once in a while, not being able to find a sub and having to rely on a non-teacher is just the reality and we have to accept it - but this has been happening consistently for over a year, on top of ever so many teachers quitting, and I've heard it's not just at my school but across all schools. Low pay, hard work - go figure!

I really needed someone with a voice and I have not been able to get it. Some coworkers and I were talking about company shadiness and I pointed out that although we work X hours, we only get paid for Y of them. So every time we work more than Y, the company is getting free work from us. (Overtime is on an approval-only basis and you never get it if you ask for it - company has to ask you. Doesn't matter if it's because the company assigned you too much to do.) Since we almost never get even half of the unpaid time available to take a break during the day, and nearly always have to work through it, it's pretty much like our hourly pay is less than it actually is because it's divided over the X hours instead of the Y hours. But the company doesn't tell you that :) because you COULD take the break if you want :) it would just mean you aren't able to finish your work at least without taking it home :) :) and then you'll get fired! :) :) :) absolutely nothing shady about that no sirree

if you are not paying me to work for you during a certain time... then I should NOT BE WORKING during that time. or you should pay me.

i mentioned to my coworker that the understaffing bugs me because when i was hired i was assured that regardless of teacher student ratio, there would be three teachers in every classroom. i wasn't surprised that that wasnt true for really small classes (I once sat in on a class with three teachers plus me as an observer, and only two kids x'D it was definitely overkill. it was because the other kids were out sick... but still they only totaled 6 :P). However, when my coworker said that sort of thing ("as long as we're still in ratio only two teachers is fine") I had to say "yes but the amount of work and duties we have is for three teachers, and no adjustment is made to the work load if you have only two" and then the coworker was like oh no i totally agree it's for three. And now imagine you have just two teachers, one of you is brand spanking new, and the other is a random admin because your usual coteacher is out sick... and you have three teachers' worth of work to do and twelve one-year-olds to take care of. and one-year-olds are feral. so are twos and threes. but ones in particular bc they have no sense of self-preservation and some of them think biting other kids is just a fun way to kill time.

and NOW imagine that same situation and cast AND... you have to lead these one year olds who can barely walk without tripping (or at all, in some cases) down several flights of stairs for an emergency drill. OMG. it is freaking chaos. i honestly don't know how we do it.

and on that note... here's how we do it: by the grace of god go I. It's not JUST luck. We are all hard workers and we care so much about our students. But we are only human. I keep trying to impress on the upper management that more PREVENTATIVE measures need to be in place, and that starts with actually staffing the school how it's meant to be staffed. But I doubt anything will change unless something big and awful happens. And I don't want something like that to happen, of course. That's why we scrambled to cover the company's ass - not because we care what happens to the bigwigs, but because anything that goes wrong is probably going to involve a kid getting hurt. I would much rather the company just fix things and not have to have some traumatic scenario play out first. Also might as well mention that, despite all our warnings, if anything does go wrong, it will be the teachers' fault. Maybe the company will take some sort of hit, but we exhausted, overworked teachers will be the ones whose jobs and reputations could get ruined. I don't want kids to get hurt, and I don't want me to get hurt.

It has me tearing my hair out over how silly and avoidable it all is. Just stop undervaluing pre-K teachers. Your whole line to sell our school is about how vital early education is and how you have this specialized curriculum about learning through play. Then you treat the teachers like we're babysitters. Despite all the lesson planning we do, and all the art project, science projects, sensory activities, grading, paperwork, school events, and more, that are required of us. Lol. If I'm a babysitter, I'd like to have a babysitter-level work ethic. I babysat when I was a teenager so I know. Put the kid on the couch with a movie and stick some chicken nuggets in the microwave, make 20 bucks an hour. BTW, these days babysitters often make more than that, and guess what, I get paid almost half that hourly x'D obviously more consistently! but still.

you know going into pre-K that this is what the pay's like, but I def wasn't prepared for how much work unrelated to watching the kids would fill up my unpaid break time, is my point.

anyway when will my voice come back from the war :P

#fizz's life #work

[whysojiminimnida]

All Right Bitches Let's Talk About Those Gay Peace Signs

I have spent some time on this and have consulted with my personal Board of Queer Directors: The ubiquitous Kevin From Itaewon, his boyfriend X, my best butch lesbian GMoney, a drag queen who goes by Ralph, and my enbyqueer friend Logan. I am the straightest person in this conversation okay and that... well. We are not here talking about me today. I sent out a whole random shit-ton of pics. I had text conversations and phone calls and even a come-over-here-look-at-this session or two. We looked. And the upshot is... This is not a gay peace sign. This is a "you're taking a picture I am doing a thing" sign. These are peace signs being done by a gay (probably) man in a not-especially coded way.

In this picture we have no peace signs but all the gay. There is no actual coding going on but there is no real question either, unless your question is about whether one Jeon Jungkook is going to choke or swallow (behave yourselves). And also whether any of us are meant to survive the Namtiddies:

Now, this picture has peace signs but they are not queer-coded peace signs, they're just taking a picture peace signs. The only queer coding going on here is, as above, coming from the Jeon-Park household. It was unanimous that jikookery was being actively and explicitly jikooked that day. Although Ralph and Kevin both thought Yoongi might have something to say, and to quote G-Money "I'd date that pretty girl in the silver shirt if she wasn't already halfway gay for that thumbs-up chick"... she likes Texas Red Dirt Country music and 80s hair bands. I don't know what you want me to say.

Now, the next two pics were unanimously agreed upon by my panel of flaming experts. And the agreement was that there is very likely some coding, or telegraphing to use KFI's words, going on:

Ralph will tell you that he is a power bottom's power bottom and he is not wrong, he makes a living on it. And he thought this picture was super interesting. Because I really didn't get it. I mean, I GET IT OKAY I get the body language and the eyefucking and the possessive shit. And after this morning's Bangtan Bomb I get it even harder. But Ralphie said that... "Okay these bitches fucking but just in case we didn't know they were a couple and thought they were just hooking up, Jungkook really wants to make it clear here that they are together." And I'm like "the fuck dude to me it looks like Jimin is all up on his dick with the bedroom eyes" and he goes, "Yeah. Looks like it, right. But where are their hands. Who's staring down the camera. Who's flashing the We're Here We're Queer Get Used To It Hand Signal very deliberately, held out in front of him so you don't miss that his other arm is pulling his boy in close to him?" Ralph had really strong feels about this picture. KFI and the rest of 'em had strong feelings about this one:

We have so much going on here. Finger Guns Jin and Thumbs Up Yoongi and a little of the Namjoon version of the Shoulder Grip on Tae, and none of that apparently means dick to the gay boys and girl and them but my whole board of queerectors all said that this is what a queer coded peace sign photo looks like. SO I'M LIKE WHY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME I NEED TO KNOW. And they said, it's because you can't JUST use a peace sign as code in the absence of anything else. For one thing there is apparently a thing with the thumb and ring finger that is sometimes deliberately used in a coding way. But. There have to be other signals. Taken in combination, we have angled hips together, arms around each other (everyone always wants to know where Kookie's other hand is) and the unabashed camera staredown = HI WE'RE GAY AND TOGETHER PLEASE BE AWARE, apparently. Okay. I mean, I can see it when you put it like that. Kev says this shot is heavily coded and I was like "naahhhh really" and he was like "yes bitch really":

And I said well, it's a professional shoot, we don't know if they were asked to do them or if they dressed themselves, I mean we kinda do, they apparently chose the outfits. But KFI and X both said look, you go to dress two Korean straight men in couple fits they are not gonna be that calm about it. Like, protests would be made. But protesting is not what is going on here. They like their clothes, they like each other, they like looking like a couple BECAUSE GUESS WHAT and just in case they are gonna look sexy/possessive and happy/leaning into each other about it. OKAY OKAY DAMN. No need to assault me over here. They also mentioned the ring finger touching the thumb thing again. So I guess that's part of how one tells if a peace sign *means* something, I guess. And when I start looking at pics, well. Interesting. I don't know what it is about ring fingers. Hmmm. One of them has Jimin's name on it though.

Ooohhh, shoulder grip peace sign with the thumb and ring finger all posed properly, I wonder what it could mean when a gay couple acts gay in front of a camera, could they be trying to tell us something? /sarcasm The upshot of this entire educational journey for me is that peace signs in and of themselves are only helpful if you are also picking up the other stuff that is being put down for you. Like, they're fine, clue us in a lil bit if you can't like kiss or something. But if you're gay and in the closet and you just want people to be absolutely sure and your hand on your man's ass isn't getting it done, well look no further than your trusty peace sign.

#jikook gay #jikook just jikooking nbd #jimin #jungkook #KFI #that peace sign thing #queer coding #well maybe #i mean it could go either way tbh i'm no body language analyst #jikook jikook they jikooked they out here jikooking the jikookery #you wanted proof of jikookery being jikooked and they trying to give it to you #minggukie supremacy #namtiddies

[hqcult]

PERFECT ## oikawa tooru

the air of perfection surrounding you makes him sick. you're worse than the geniuses he hates

. tw misogny, predatory behavior, smut, noncon/dubcon, slight dacryphilia, corruption kink, fingering . wc 1.2k

before his flight to argentina in a few months, oikawa made it a hobby to swing by his alma mater. 

iwa's too busy and he can't possibly bother his best friend when he's working so hard in college. so oikawa tooru goes alone. sometimes, he comes in early while the team's still there. maybe he'll even join matches for fun — coach irihata still has a soft spot for him, apparently. 

but most of the time he comes when the gym is empty; when there's an absence of the squeaking shoes and the ricocheting balls. it never fails to make his heart swell in nostalgia. ah, how he’ll miss this place terribly once he moves to argentina. 

something did change, though. 

oikawa wouldn't call it drastic but the first time he crashed their practice, he was all but pleasantly surprised to see the new aoba johsai manager. 

you were a pretty thing and the boys adore you a lot. you didn't look the type to apply as manager just to score an athlete boyfriend nor did you seem to have any other objective other than taking care of the team. oikawa can say as much because he could see how the new captain looks at you and the way you purposely try to keep things platonic. friendly. you don't let yahaba, or anyone in the team, go the extra mile for you.

and the fact that you can miraculously keep kyoutani in check is the cherry on top. while the said player is still rough around the edges, he learned how to listen to you and the last time kyoutani ever listened to anyone was months ago, when iwaizumi was still in the team. 

team morale is high when you're there to support them on the sidelines. in your white and turquoise tracksuit yet still managing to look attractive. yahaba's got quite the patience, if oikawa do say so himself. 

you were like some sort of goddess to them. it's sickening how dewy-eyed his ex-teammates would get whenever you smile and hand them their water bottles. it was too good to be true. you were too good to be true. there has got to be some sort of conspiracy behind this whole ordeal. 

"oikawa-san, i didn't think you'd be here at this hour."

he turns around at the sound of your voice. there you stood in casual clothes, hair tied up and face bare. with the harsh angles the moonlight created together with the poor lighting of the gym, you look normal. not an air of that perfection he’s always seen circulating around you. 

"how did you get in? only yahaba and i have the keys."

you saunter closer and it wasn't a wise move on your part. while you have aoba johsai as the same denominator, the alumnus was still practically a stranger. quick exchanges of acknowledgments aren't exactly sufficient to get to know someone. let alone be friends with. but you never once thought any of that. how naive.

he smiles as you finally stood next to him. you can't help the slight dread pool in your stomach at the sight of it. with his tall lean frame that can easily overpower you, the smile looked more ominous than friendly. 

"bold of you to assume i gave the keys back. why do you think shigeru had to duplicate them again for you?"

you didn't see it coming, the arm oikawa slings around your shoulders before pulling you flush against him. you would've lost your balance if you hadn't clutched the lapels of his coat. 

"can it be…" his plush lips graze the shell of your ear as he whispers. "our little secret, cutie?"

warning bells are going off in your head. it tells you to run and stay the fuck away from him but you did nothing of the sort, had only forced a polite smile and swiftly ducked around to get his arm off you. 

this is oikawa tooru we're talking about. 

yeah, you know he's quite the ladies man but you doubt he'd go... that far, especially if he knows the person's uncomfortable. not to mention, you're part of the volleyball team! you're managing his past team. surely, maybe, the familial bond extended to you too despite only joining their little family this year. you were just being paranoid. you were reading into it too much. 

"uhm, yes. of-of course."

oikawa does have to admit, seeing little miss perfect stutter and avert her eyes from him did wonders to his ego. well, now you don't look anything like the goddess his ex-team worships. you're not exuding the same level of confidence or reliability that you always carry yourself with. you look unsure of yourself. powerless in the face of real dominance. 

"why are you here?"

"i…" is it really wise for you to say why? "i forgot the team's record notebook in the girl's locker room. i need to pass a summary of it to coach tomorrow.”

oikawa smiles, eyes comically lighting up in excitement before slinging a heavy, oppressive arm around you again. "ooh, i'll come with!"

you walk with shoulders slightly folded in and the ex-captain likes you like this. all meek and submissive. he daresay you look prettier compliant and not like a self-entitled princess who thinks she shouldn't bother being romantically involved with an athlete. he still thinks you were bitchy and idiotic for friend zoning yahaba of all people. he thought you should be very thankful for getting noticed by his junior. 

but oh well, at least oikawa gets to have a go. 

to witness firsthand what the fuss about you is all about.

you wanted to shrug his arm away and he knows that but he won't do it. the fact that you're struggling to even speak up about it makes him smirk. see, now you know your place. as you should. sometimes, girls like you who get silly little ideas in their head should be reminded of where they truly stand in the food chain. oikawa is more than glad to be the one reminding you. 

you told him to wait outside while you sauntered into the girls' locker room and oikawa smiles that innocent smile before nodding. 

a prey really shouldn't have turned her back on a predator.

just as you picked up your blue notebook on the bench, the resounding lock of the door clicking shut sounded too loud in a closed-off space. "oikawa—'

"you know, i'd really appreciate if we drop formalities. i think screaming tooru while i fuck you sound way better. makes things more intimate, dontcha think?"

he was onto you before you even got the chance to turn around. the notebook you were holding drops to the ground as he grabs hold of your wrists, his leg swiping at your ankles to tackle you to the ground. he's quick. the floor is hard and cold when your back crashes into it. you wince, the shock of what's happening yet to register in your system. never before thinking that this sort of thing will happen to you.

oikawa isn't as cruel or disgusting as you think. you were both legal adults. he knows. after all, he was there when the team decided to throw you a surprise birthday party on your 18th. he was also there from around the corner, eavesdropping when yahaba pulled you aside and confessed his feelings to you and you had the fucking audacity to turn him down. 

he doesn't want to call this revenge, not when he'd still do it whether or not shigeru had confessed. 

you were from a different breed of people. worse than geniuses. you are so disgustingly perfect in every sense of the word that it's so fucking unfair. it fueled jealousy more severe than he ever felt from tobio or ushiwaka. 

because people aren't perfect. people aren't meant to be perfect. even oikawa himself is far from it so why should you be any different from him? you're nothing special. you're ordinary just like him. you don't deserve it. you're not even working hard enough like oikawa to fucking deserve it!

you were red in the face when he took a good look at your pinned form underneath him. your eyes are glossy but held fierce contempt as you meet his gaze, your lips sealed shut in a straight line. you were trying to hold yourself back from crying and it only fuels the fire of his anger. 

"what, think i'm not worth your tears?" he growls, a hand coming up to pull your hair. he sits atop you, his legs pinning yours down as he straddles your hips. "think you're so high and mighty that you won't cry for your oh so dependable oikawa-san?" he purposely makes his voice high-pitched like a girl, copying you spitefully. 

"that’s fine, i can give you a real reason to cry."

he rips your flimsy shorts off and ogles at your cute panties. pink with little bows? how innocent. 

his large hand covers your mouth, the heavy pressure keeping your head in place as his other hand cups your sex. the heat of his palms makes you squirm. already simulating the sensitive nerves and you poorly try shaking your head in denial. because no no no your body shouldn't be enjoying it!

"ou're a real piece of work, (name)-chan," he starts, voice conversation as he nudges your underwear aside, the flat of his thumb drawing lazy circles against your bare clit. "why pretend you don't like it? it's okay to accept pleasure from ordinary people like me. you're plain and average at best too, you know."

with both his hands occupied, you can freely try pushing him away but it's futile. he's too strong and your head is starting to ache with how hard he's pressing it against the floor. 

his blissful expression peeves you out entirely. he doesn't look regretful in the slightest. "you should really get off of that high horse, cutie. stop pushing me away. silly little girls like you belong like this, underneath a capable and powerful man to protect you."

you pant, the ministrations on your clit too good but you don't let it blind you. 

"fuck yo—"

but oikawa doesn't let you finish. he swoops in for a kiss, a hand holding your jaw firmly in place so you can't bite him. a particular hard nudge on your clit makes you gasp instinctively and his tongue invades your mouth. he's a good kisser. so damn skilled from all the girls he's kissed before you. maybe if circumstances had been different, you'd have butterflies in your stomach. 

"aw," he coos against your lips. "i see. little miss perfect wants me to fuck her? how cute."

you thrash and squirm, a pathetic sneer on your face as he holds you down with ease. all it takes is one firm hold against your shoulder as he nibbles on your neck, kissing and suckling at your skin until they turn purple and red. he placed them in positions he knows you can never cover even with the official aoba johsai uniform. why would you cover them anyway? you should wear his hickeys with confidence! it's the one evidence to show he even bothered himself with you so you should be grateful to him!

"let go of me, you jer—!"

"i don't think i'll suck on your tits today, cutie. no time. let's get to the fucking already then, yeah?" 

you absolutely hate his voice. it's the signature high-pitched and childlike tone partnered with that goofy smile of his. a facade he always wears when dealing with other people. a show he's mastered to an artform. he looks awfully unbothered by how wrong this is and it chills you to the bone. 

"oikawa-san—please—"

"i told you it's tooru!" he whines, pouting. "how many times do i have to tell you?"

panic seizes you when his ankles hook around your legs to force them open. he hears none of your pleas and shoves two long fingers up your pussy. there's a slight stinging feeling as he looks for that one spot that'll make you succumb, make you admit defeat. 

"if you want my dick inside this pussy you better call me by my given name or you won't cum, baby girl~" he says in a sing-song tone.

"who the fuck told you i wanted your—shit."

your toes curl and your back arches when his fingers grazed around a certain area. you didn't have time to feel betrayed by your body's reaction as the man on top of you chuckles condescendingly, angling his fingers so he hits the spot in every single thrust. "you like that, don't you? you like what my fingers are doing."

"no!"

"no?" oikawa repeats, measured. with a flick of his wrist, he has his thumb pressing firmly against the sensitive nerves of your puffy clit again and he watches you writhe, lose yourself to pleasure, moaning and whining so wantonly under him. "but cutie, i don't think that's what your body is telling me."

you cringe in disgust when his hot tongue laps at the falling tears in your eyes before whispering against your ear. breathy, and desperate, and ever so patronizing. you don't hear the zipper of his pants going down, nor did you realize he wasn't even bothering to hold you down anymore. good. that's a good start. baby steps, oikawa thinks. for someone who sat in a make-shift throne worshipped by hormonal teen athletes for so long, serving the one great king will be a huge reset for you. 

when he enters, it's a tight fit. of-fucking-course you're a virgin. always staying true to that little miss perfect reputation, huh? sweet and gorgeous but humble and demure. you probably had the same shitty old school belief of staying pure 'till marriage. it makes him harder, makes his length throb and ache with the desire to taint, to soil, to fuck you until that good girl image is stripped away and all you can think about in every waking moment of your useless life is your tooru's big fat cock. your pure lips only producing the most sinful of words to satiate his deepest desires—"fuck me hard, tooru!" "make me your whore, tooru!" "i want to feel all of you, tooru!" "i want your cock so bad, tooru! please please please!"

your longing cries of defeat, the lewd sound of skin slapping, oikawa's pornographic moans—it's a wicked symphony crafted by prodigies. "go on, cutie. cry for me. cry, and cry, and cry, 'til you don't have anything left inside you but your sorry tears and my cum!"

little miss perfect? no. you're his little cockwhore.

#yandere haikyuu #yandere hq #yandere oikawa tooru #yandere oikawa #yandere oikawa x reader #toxichours #(❁ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈) mine ༉‧ #yandere oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa x tooru #tw noncon #tw dubcon #tw predator #tw corruption #tw dacryphilia #tw misogyny

[bentnotbroken1fanfiction]

It's officially whumptober, so here's another entry.

It's a loud bang and sudden pressure that awake Billy from an apparently uncomfortable sleep.  He cracks open his eyes to find himself in an unfamiliar and dark room. 

Where the hell is he?  

The noise turns out to be a large metal door slamming shut and the pressure was apparently another person being tossed onto him. 

"What the fuck?" He tries to sit up but he finds that he can't move his arms. They've been bound behind him. And to make matters worse, he feels like he got hit with a mack truck. 

Twice .

Fucking great. 

The other body finally rolls to the side and he is surprised when he can clearly see that he knows this guy. 

It's Steve Harrington. 

Harrington lets out a slew of curses as he too, tries and struggles to sit up."-last fucking time I do Henderson a favor. If it's not getting a flat tire and stranded, it's something else, I swear to god-" The tirade stops when he finally manages to get upright and notices Billy staring. " Hargrove ? What the hell are you doing here?" 

"I could ask you the same question." 

He sort of shrugs."Some shady dude got the drop on me when I was picking up something for one of the kids." he sighs dramatically. "What about you?" 

Billy thinks about it, thinks about where he was before waking up in this room, but he's drawing a blank. The last thing he remembers is drinking a shot of whisky at the Long Branch. His dad is pals with the owner so he gets away with sneaking a drink every once in a while.

But after that…nothing. 

"I don't remember. I drank something and then…I don't know."  He definitely can't remember anything that would make him fucking ache like this, that's for damn sure.

"Well I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say we are in Hawkins Lab."

His interest is piqued at the statement. "I thought they got kicked out and the place was condemned?" 

"Yeeeeah, evil people don't really give a fuck about legalities. If they have money they'll do whatever the hell they want." 

Billy huffs out a tired laugh and attempts to get in a more comfortable position, which he unfortunately finds that he can't . "You do have a point." He knows money talks. 

After a moment of nothing but silence and awkward grunting from him still trying to sit the fuck up, he decides to ask the other boy. Because every time he breathes now he feels like his body is on fire and Harrington looks fine.  "Hey, do you feel OK? Like physically. You're not in any pain?"

Harrington meets his eyes and they look concerned. "No, I'm fine. Are you in pain?" 

"Yeah, but...I was fine..." 

"You must have been drugged. These guys...they're sick. I can't really say for certain what kind of shit they're up to this time, but if it's the same group as before…" he trails off.

Yeah, Billy doesn't like the sound of that. "What did they do before ?" 

His voice is quiet when he replies "Human experimentation." 

All the pain and memory loss make a lot more sense now, but he feels queasy with the thought of someone touching him...experimenting on him while he was unconscious. "You think they've already done something to me..." 

"Yeah. They probably have." 

Fuck. "We're going to die aren't we?"

"No. I didn't go through two years of bullshit just to get kidnapped and murdered. We are getting out of here." 

"And how do you propose we do that?"

He looks thoughtful for a moment. "OK, here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to scoot my back to yours. I can't move my arms, but I can still move my hands. If I can get you free, we can get the fuck out of here. I don't know the layout but I have a general idea of where the exit is. I wasn't knocked out when they brought me in."  

"Fuck it. I'm willing to try anything if it means getting the hell out of here." Billy agrees, even though he doesn't have much faith in the plan, but surprisingly Harrington manages to get the ropes around his wrists untied. 

Hands free, he returns the favor and Harrington quickly stands and makes a break for the door. It's just as loud opening as it was closing, and Billy cringes, waiting for someone to come storming in.

But no one ever does. 

So, they both stick their heads out and glance down the hallway. There isn't a soul in sight.

Either their captors are overly confident in their abilities to contain their prisoners, or they are really dropping the ball here. 

  Whichever it is, it doesn't matter. What matters is that they have a chance to get out of this place unscathed. Or in his case, relatively unscathed. 

He keeps stumbling after Harrington, like he's not used to his limbs, but it's not bad enough that he's lagging behind. It just hurts…. a lot.

And it's weird...He can usually ignore pain. He's played basketball with broken ribs and waited for broken limbs to mend without medication before, but he is quickly realizing that whatever they did to him... It's different, and he doesn't know how much longer he can keep up the pace. 

Thankfully, Steve hadn't been full of shit and led them out a side exit…

...just in time for sirens to blare throughout the whole damn building. 

"Looks like they finally noticed."  He says, trying to hide the sudden fear in his voice. 

"It's fine. There's the woods. We're almost there" Harrington points forward and Billy follows his finger. 

It's freedom, and the only thing standing between it and them is a barbed wire fence. 

It's probably ten feet tall but Harrington scales it like a pro. He's dropping onto the other side in no time flat. 

Billy would usually be right there with him, he's a pretty fit guy, but he stumbles again when he reaches the fence and puts his boots in the holes. His right leg is fine and he gets halfway up, but the moment he puts his weight on the other he falters. The only reason he's not on his ass is because of all the push ups and lifting he does. His upper body strength is nothing to scoff at.

Harrington notices his struggle and climbs up, reaching out to take his hand and pull him over the top.

But the pain is excruciating and after a few tries, he knows he can't get up and over the fence.

His leg is fractured or something. It has to be. Maybe the running just aggravated it. Or...whatever they fucking did is starting to overcome him.

His chest feels tight and his jaw is sore from gritting his teeth through the pain. 

It only takes a moment more for the severity of the situation to set in. 

He's not going to make it.

He stares up at the wounds on the other boy's face and arms from the wire cutting into him. The longer he tries to help Billy, the more injured he'll become….

So, there's really only one option here, but Steve hasn't realized it yet. There isn't a way for them both to escape this. The creeps that took them have already noticed their absence. He can still hear the sound of alarms and now barking dogs behind them. 

"Harrington," his voice shakes despite the bravado he's trying to project. "You have to let go, man."

There's confusion and then anger in those brown eyes as he glares at him. "I'm not leaving you here." He tries again to unsuccessfully pull Billy up, panting out, "You're an asshole, but I don't want you to fuckin die."  

The barks suddenly move closer, making them both shudder. "Look, there isn't another way, and you have a chance to get out of this freak fest. My leg is fucked. Something is wrong with me and I'm slowing you down. So let me go ."

There are so many emotions that cross his face before he finally relents."Fuck you, Hargrove," he hisses, and lets Billy's hand fall from his grasp. 

Something like relief fills his chest as he slumps down to the ground, but the other boy isn't moving. He has to hiss out, "Go!" 

"Fuck. I'm going …but when I find help, I'm coming back for you." 

Billy forces a smile and gives him a wave. "See you later then, pretty boy." 

He watches his back retreat into the darkness and shivers as heavy footsteps stop behind him.

"The control subject escaped," someone says into a radio before roughly grabbing him. He doesnt put up a fight as he's dragged back towards the lab, but he does throw up when the pain becomes too much. "I have subject A." The man speaks again. "But it doesn't look good." 

And Billy sighs sadly, because he had already known the outcome. The only thing Steve will be coming back for, is his body.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #whumptober2021 #prompt 1 #not my best work #but i'm writing! #so thats something #trigger warning #kidnapping

[fairy25]

alright i'm back on my asexuality bullshit so listen up. i do not believe true asexuality exists, in that i believe everyone is innately attracted to one or both of the sexes. i do, however, believe asexuality has basically become the quirky fun new way to say hyposexuality as a result of trauma, which very much exists. i was molested as a young girl, before ever attending school, and i remember getting in trouble for sexual behavior in preschool. however, throughout school, i never experienced attraction to anyone. hell, my whole life i don't think i've experienced true sexual attraction. i've never been "wet." i've never felt butterflies. my friend told me how her nose would run when she went down on her girlfriend, because she was so turned on. this baffled me. sex is not enjoyable for me. sex is not fun. it's something i felt obligated to do, let people do to me. i have never enjoyed it. never derived pleasure from it myself, except in knowing my partner was enjoying it and using that as motivation to grit my teeth through the pain. it's the reason i have scars in the shape of moons on my lower palms, from digging in my nails. i have been raped repeatedly as i've gotten older. apparently there's a trend where if you're sexually abused as a child, you're basically guaranteed to be raped again later in life, often multiple times. it's just bizarre when you lay it all out like. what is sexuality? is it something done to someone? is it something you want to do to one another? is it a feeling? is it a sensation? is it what you can endure? i don't know if i'll ever be able to answer any of these questions, i don't know if i have the capacity. i do not believe i will ever have a positive relationship with sex, that i will ever enjoy it for the sake of it. that doesn't bother me. what bothers me is that i worry other girls have told similar tales, and we're focusing on the wannabe queers, totally alienating actually hyposexual people. and what's even funnier is how when i was id-ing as asexual, people would ALWAYS ask me if I'd had some kind of trauma early on (rarely that eloquently, usually more "oh did your daddy touch you lol"), and i didn't know how to answer those questions. even asexuality, which might seem more innocent than saying you're hyposexual or traumatized, is still nothing more than a thin veil. what are you hiding? i'm not hiding. i'm not asexual. it's not right. no label will ever feel right, i'm realizing, because that's not my experience. i'm not a sexual being. that doesn't mean i'm against having sex. for whatever reason, i still desire a partner that desires me. i just wish there was some way to communicate that that wasn't "demisexual," "asexual, biromantic" etc. like literally what are you all saying. i'm just a girl. i'm not any of those things. someone took something from me, and i'm fucking exhausted of trying to find a word to describe it, that nothingness. because it's just nothing. it's not a lack or absence of anything, it exists, it was taken and hidden. idk what i'm getting at

#rant #asexuality #would love to hear ur ladies thoughts this is all in good fun #terfs please touch

[aelin-queen-of-terrasen]

Could you please write “‘i didn’t want to tell my friend who my real date last night was so i just pointed at a random stranger (you) but now they’re storming over to interrogate you and you’re playing along??? okay’ au”. Jurdan?

Sorry for the late, hope you'll like it!

chapter - two | beautiful disaster

Full Masterlist

Beautiful Disaster Masterlist

════════⚠════════

I've been in the club for a half hour now and I already wish I wasn't here.

Vivienne ditched me in favour of dancing two minutes after we arrived; funny how she is the one who insisted we need more 'sister time.'

"I'm bored," I complain when she gets off the dance floor. "I wish you'd let me leave—it's not like I'm having fun."

Taryn is beside her, looking a little too drunk herself. She clings to Vivienne like a timid child to her mother, eyes wide as saucers and an awestruck expression on her face—I don't know what she's pleased about. She stumbles towards the bar, ordering more drinks. Vivienne turns to me, expression purposeful and determined.

She says, "We barely see you! You're always out—even dad doesn't know where you are." Her words sound like a lament, though I'm almost sure she doesn't notice my absence often and if she does, it doesn't bothers her enough to enquire after me when we're both sober, apparently.

"I know where she is all the time," Taryn tells the two of them, a giggle escaping her lips. "I know your secret, Jude."

I stiffen, but manage to keep my face nonchalant and voice amused, unaffected. "You do now, do you?" It's almost to easy to lie now, to speak half truths, to be deceitful and clever and guarded all the time. It should bother me but it doesn't. I'm too scared she knows I'm working for Dain, too scared Madoc could find out and gods know what he'll do when he does.

Taryn nods. "I saw you sneaking out of the house at nights!" Then, she giggles, "I know you have a secret lover."

I relax, tension released from my muscles when the words settle in. She thinks I have a secret lover, which isn't that far off but my real secret is safe. A blush creeps onto my cheeks as I think of Dain, my apparent secret lover and boss. I can never tell when we went from thinking of each other as best friends to lovers but he's one of the very few people I almost trust.

"You have to tell us who it is, Jude," Vivi says, clapping in excitement. She's ridiculous. "Oriana will be so happy!"

I stare in horror. I don't like where this is going. I can't tell them who I'm sneaking off with but I can't deny their suspicions lest they follow me out on my nightly escapades someday.

The two of them cheer loudly, drawing some attention and shouting 'Tell us!' in chorus when I see him.

"Cardan," his name escapes my lips in surprise, quieting the loud pair. Then I realise what it sounded like, and I rush to correct them but it's too late. Neither of them wants to hear much now.

"Ohmygod, Cardan Greenbriar?!"

"I suppose they have the whole enemies to lovers thing going from them," Vivi tells my twin sister.

"He's so cute."

"I don't even—" Jude is cut off by Vivienne's answering squeal.

"Think of all the double dates—" everyone is looking over at us, "and Madoc will be furious, that's a plus."

Taryn hums her agreement. "That's why Jude can't tell Madoc, isn't it? But Jude, we'd never tell him—" and her words are cut off with a sharp gasp when their eyes land on the entrance, and they notice him leaning against the wall.

His eyes are fixed elsewhere, but then they sweep around the whole room and land on me. Faintly, I can hear my sister's teasing comments but it sounds so far away, and he seems like he is too close for comfort. I wonder how he can do that—make me feel like the world is collapsing around me with all but one look; how he can intimidate me without ever coming close.

"Aw, they're making fuck me eyes at each other," one of my sisters coo.

Entirely too fast, he's gone from my sight and I come back to reality. I drown out all comments about him, giving vague, evasive answers to each question. It feels like he's still looking at me with that impenetrable gaze, though he's nowhere to be seen.

I fetch us some drinks, and soon find other topics to converse about. I'm hoping they've forgotten our conversation, when I stumble upon a sight that makes my heart stop dead inside my chest. He's standing there with a drink in his hand, and from the opposite side of the dance floor, my sisters make their way towards him.

I run towards him, pushing through the crowd. I stumble, almost falling into him and he rolls his eyes. "Falling again, Jude? This is the second—"

I hold up a hand. "Shh, you have to leave—my sisters think we're—" but before I can make my request of Cardan Greenbriar, my sisters have arrive. I can't let them know I lied—they'd wonder what I'm hiding from them and it won't end well. I have too many secrets to protect.

"Cardan Greenbriar," Taryn breathes out. She sounds a little starstruck.

Cardan narrows his eyes at the newcomers, an amused expression on his face. In front of his graceful manner and controlled movements, everyone else looks like a fish flailing in the air. He doesn't have that cruel gleam on his face, but I stay on my guard. Whatever my grievances with my sisters, I can't help being protective of them.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had such a pretty sister, Jude."

Taryn flushes at the compliment, and I wonder what he's playing at—or if, perhaps, this is another attempt to rile me. "We're twins," I mutter under my breath, though it comes out louder than intended and he hears me.

"Of course you'd find Taryn pretty—she looks like Jude, after all." Vivienne smirks, "You don't need to pretend. Jude told us everything."

"She did?" He can't hide the confusion from his face, but it's gone in a minute.

"Yes! I'm glad you're dating Jude. Just know if you hurt her, well, she'll hurt you back worse so..." she trails off with a sweet smile. I didn't know when my eldest sister got so scary, but she looks positively terrifying now.

"Dating? Jude?" Cardan quirks an eyebrow at me. "Yes, I'm, uh, doing that. Am I not, sweet Jude? I'd never hurt her, not unless she asks me to," he grins at his innuendo, sending my sisters cackling too. I can't bring myself to share their amusement, too busy wondering what he's playing at.

"Aw, he's blushing!" Taryn coos at him, words near slurred. "When did this happen? Why didn't we know? Ooh, Jude, how long have you been fucking? Wait, have you even had sex—" Vivienne interrupts my twin's barrage of questions with an apologetic smile and a quick 'you both should make a date night out of this' leaving me alone with my worst nemesis.

The moment my sisters are out of sight, he cocks his head to the side. "Jude. Am I supposed to know what that was about or will you explain?" There's no sneer in his voice, just curiosity with a touch of amusement.

"A misunderstanding," I clear my throat. "They wanted to know, uhh, who I'm dating, and I looked here and they assumed it was you."

His lips twitch upwards, as if he's entertained by my reply. I bristle at the mocking look, but I know my anger will only provide him satisfaction. His lips are curled in a small smirk, and he has never looked more beautiful. There's an air of confidence around him, a careless, unassuming grace in his movements that makes him look so intimidating and yet, so appealing all the same. The top two buttons on his black shirt have been left open, and reveal more of the serpent tattoo around his collarbone. I have the strangest itch to trace it with my fingers but I dismiss it as curiosity.

He turns on his heel without another word, then looks back. He frowns, "Are you not following me?"

"Should I be?" I don't recall him asking me to go somewhere with him.

Cardan makes an 'isn't that obvious' face, and I give him an impatient look in return. He tells me, "I was about to get another drink, but apparently, we have to get drinks, have a date and whatnot now. I do loathe the idea of making someone unhappy."

"And if this makes me unhappy?" I ask, even as I walk beside him to the bar.

Almost absentmindedly, as if I'm daft and it's the simplest answer in the world, he gives me a blank look. "You're Jude. No one can make you unhappy." He orders drinks for the two of us, and it occurs to me that I'm talking to him, and it's not a part of my plan.

But maybe this coincidence might help me earn his trust. He's never so affable as he is when he's drunk.

We talk, if you could call it that. Mostly, it's just us remaining in a silence that feels too loud, each of us too aware of the other's presence and Cardan's occassional remarks laced with dry humor. And if upon hearing one of those sharp remarks, I let a loud laugh escape my mouth, or if I look rather flushed, I blame it on the alcohol I consume. It isn't until Vivienne informs me Madoc is home and he's asking for me that I remember all the ways this mission can go wrong if I'm not careful about it.

We're in the cab, and I'm almost dazed as I recall every remark Cardan made. "He's quite the catch," Vivienne must have seen the confusion on my face because she adds: "Cardan, I mean. I quite like him."

I make a face at her. "He's a disaster."

"A beautiful disaster," she corrects me with a suggestive look. I don't bother arguing with her this time.

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tags:

@courtofjurdan // @thesirenwashere // @nightbringer // @queenofgreenbriar // @jurdanhell // @sweetlyvillainous //@clockworkgraystairs // @blog-lady-vi // @the-dark-swan //@storiesandschemes // @fangirltrash74 // @augustintodarkness // @queen-of-glass // @jurdan7 // @aesthetics-11 // @mijaldraws // @hades-flame // @sensitivehighlord // @annejulianneh111 // @b00kworm // @mysweetvillain // @doingmyrainbow // @curlyredqueen06 // @chaotic-fae-queen // @thewickedkings // @thesurielships //@df3ndyr // @clouds-and-peonies // @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln // @thefolkofthefic // @st00pid231 // @iminsanenotobsessed // @abookishfreak // @maddymelv // @iammissstark

#the cruel prince #the folk of the air #cardan greenbriar #jude x cardan #jurdan #mafia au #jurdan fanfic #jurdan mafia au #beautiful disaster #aelin-queen-of-terrasen #thr folk of the air #tfota fanfic #tfota fanfiction #holly black #the wicked king #queen of nothing #the queen of nothing

[w1th0ut-m3]

Today, July 13th, stands as three whole years since I embarked on the journey of TOTAL recovery, of falling in love with myself...

It started when I put that Marlboro duffle on the curb and drove away, leaving you to leave me finally, with a $50 bill, some hidden talismans of protection & love I rapidly shoved in your bag, and (the most crucial of all) my blessing.

TBH, the kindest and most wonderful thing you've ever done for me, and really for all 4 of us girls, was to abandon me and run away from our life and your responsibilities, and not return here IN THE HELLADEADASS FUCKED UP STATE YOU LEFT HERE IN. THAT guy has nothing to offer anyone in THAT condition.

And TBH, the kindest and most wonderful thing I did for us both over our 2.5 years together probably was to let you go and not chase your bus.

JFC, we were a hot-ass-mess! I loathed the person I'd became, AND I hated the person I was before you too. I was so lost. I wanted to feel whole and heal, but I knew no way out of my inner turmoil I'd been suffering through for so long, other than to die. I didn't care how.

I just thought that's all I was worth and all that could make 33 years of pain & suffering end.

Then one day in mid-September a miracle in the form of a horrific crisis appeared, and I got to see the terrifying future vision of what I could and likely would become if I didn't get my shit together. Panicked and vigilant, I (slowly) undid all the knots in the noose I'd tied myself up in for the previous year or so, and I ended up desperately finding the rooms at 9pm on October 13th... And I've never left.

Yup, 3 months after you ran away, saying you'd be back in 2 or 3 weeks (but I gave you an honest month or 2 in my mind that day, praying you'd check in somewhere), 3 whole months of dying inside but maintaining my distance for our greater good, and I STILL had my back to the wall, STUCK in such hell emotionally and physically!

But, when that ambulance called me and I got her, I could do nothing but focus on getting me (1st) and her (2nd) out of this and facilitate us ALL living to tell the story! I couldn't focus on your absence and wait around for you anymore, and I sure as hell couldn't keep using, nor did I want to any longer. We were dying here, dying still, and dying RAPIDLY. A call to action came!

I had to fucking live and get better in all facets, and she bravely asked me to help her to do the same... Thank the universe!

By attempting to save our Bish's life, I figured out how to save my own too.

I'm so grateful to you, to her, to all I've experienced and encountered as a result of our soul contract being fulfilled; The good, the bad, the devastating, the exhilarating, the soul crushing, and the spirit raising.

Thank you for doing for me what I could NEVER do for myself. NOW I know how much you love me and in the end you did it in the best way you knew how, by walking the fuck away from me (And I know how much you think you hate me too, but that's false ego nonsense. Shit ain't real.)

I found myself finally and I pray you guys into these rooms every single day so that you can find what I have found here and learn to love yourselves too and have a life beyond your wildest dream, just like I have.

I don't hate you. I never could. There's apparently nothing you could do that could ever make me hate you. In fact, I love you in a way I never did before. I see it all so differently now.

I am you.

You are me.

We are we.

(That I knew already for 2.5 years)

But NOW I learned...

They are us.

We are them...

We're. Not. Fucking. Unique. Dude.

When realizing the mirror's view

I see it extends beyond me & you

I've come to realize, through distance and recovery, that what I delusionally thought we had was never special, BUT it was still written in the stars and destined to be...

Those are two very different things.

You were my destiny for a reason and some seasons, just never for a lifetime. And that's ok!

We were always meant to be, so I could find me finally.

Thank you, Shmelf...

For all you took and all you gave.

#mort #mort musings #shmelf #mirrors #death #hella deadass #codependency #codependent no more

[the-trashy-phoenix]

Supernatural season 2 review (part 2)

Link to part 1:

Irene and I have finished watching Supernatural season 2 (we're already on season 3), so here it comes my review on it. I like this season more than the first one: we already know this supernatural world and have learnt to love the brothers, and since the big bad guy isn't dead yet we want to see what happens next. The plot evolves from the first season, we understand many things we didn't before and it is all suddenly way more interesting (meanwhile I feel like the most interesting thing in the first season were the single episodes). Sam's psychics abilities have a purpose and we learn there's sort of a pattern involving other people, the same age as Sam, who have all the same destiny: to become warriors for an upcoming war. In this season we have the chance to see more of Azazel (the yellow-eyed demon), what he's capable of and what he has done to Sam (and the consequences of it, including how Dean has to deal with all of this, meanwhile being in a terrible position). At the end of the season, even if he's been defeated by John himself, we know Sam is not back to normal (and we also know the truth about Azazel is not totally revealed, since we now know Mary had already met the demon before the night she died).

Season 1 ends with the car accident, so the first thing we see in the first episode of the second season is the brothers and John in the hospital. Dean is almost dead and has no chance of surviving, but John makes a deal with Azazel and dies instead of Dean (sacrificing the colt too). I understand why John would do that (one of the not-many-things I understand about his behaviour), but I also think this is one of the many things he has done that leads to Dean suffering and blaming it all over himself. No wonder why this boy behaves the way he behaves: he has all of this emotional pain he carries with him since he was basically four years old. Of course Dean doesn't talk about his father's death and acts like it's not affecting him, although it does, a lot. Sam's reaction is different, but I think it was very appropriate: the thing is most upset about is the fact that he and his father had never actually gotten along very well and that they had a fight right before John's death. I also think that both brothers haven't had quite the opportunity to grief from their father's death (just be sad for his absence and think about their true feelings for him), because they were to focus on bigger events involving John's last moments with them. Another thing that keeps them occupied is the main problem in this season, Azazel and all that he causes.

There's a thing I forgot about and that, as I rewatched the season, surprised me: Dean already wants to quit hunting. The fact that he is even more fed up than Sam shows us that in reality, as much as he wanted to be like his father and behave like John told him to, he doesn't want to live the life he is supposed to live (and we can also see it in episode 02x20, in which Dean sees what his life could have been without the death of his mother and demonstrates lots of courage by choosing to return to his normal life anyway). Knowing both what Dean wants and all that things that happen later in the other seasons, this makes me very sad.

Since we're speaking of Dean, I was left a bit shocked by his lack of hesitance on killing the people with the Croatoan virus (02x09). I get that he wanted to stop the virus, but they remained people, and of course when Sam gets the virus he doesn't kill him, which is more than understandable, but it also means that he could've at least waited a bit more before killing the others.

Since I've seen all of the other seasons rewatching 02x13 has been pretty funny, especially because of Dean. He keeps telling he doesn't believe in the angels’ crap and, well, we all know he's gonna change his mind. I also like that Sam is still faithful after all he's been through and especially since he's in this position of supernatural-slightly-demonic powers.

Speaking of which, John leaves a message to Dean before dying: if he can't save Sam from his powers he has to kill him instead of letting him become evil. This leads Dean to have two big thoughts hunting him, his supposed duty to kill his brother and his guilt for his father's death. I always feel like all the responsibilities grow on him and I would love it if he could have a way to release these feelings in some ways, but of course he never does it properly. It turns out Sam agrees with his father and tells Dean to kill him, but Dean has no intention of doing it (reasonably). In this season we can see how much Sam is scared of his psychic abilities, almost as if he's scared of turning in a monster (and we can see it clearly in what I think is the saddest episode of the season, 02x17, in which Sam has to kill the girl who turned out to be a werewolf).

I like how the writers have developed the jail theme, having episodes 02x07, 02x12, 02x19, in which the brothers have to face justice for what they've apparently done. The thing I like the most about these episodes is the fact that we know the Winchester have been in trouble with the law for good reasons, it is frustrating (but in a good way) to see the other people mistaking them for the bad guys (till a point they're even called monsters) and we can't even be mad at the cops, because they don't know the truth.

In this season there are introduced some new characters. First of all, I have to mention the trickster, not just because he provides the most senseless episode of the season (02x15, which I love), but also because I know his time on Supernatural is not over yet, fortunately. We also meet Ellen and Jo Harvelle, a mother and her daughter who own and manage the Roadhouse, a bar attended mostly by hunters, in which we find another character, Ash. I like all three of them for different reasons. Ash, the one with less screen time, is not as important as the other two, but he gives some funny moments and he's a smart guy (and I like the scene where Dean compliments his hairstyle). Ellen is a sweet and strong woman hurt by the death of her husband and a caring mother who doesn't want her daughter to have the same faith as her father. Jo, my favourite, is a passionate young girl who wants to follow her father's footprints and become a hunter. I honestly like her character a lot and the dynamic she has with dean in season two (end especially how they don't make out the second Dean enter the bar), they care about each other (Jo probably more than Dean does for now) and I love the fact that he has a girl in his life he doesn't just want to fuck (or viceversa), but who he can also kinda rely on. The only thing I don’t really get is the way she treats him after she finds out her father was with John when he died during a hunt (and that John was probably a part of what caused his death). I understand that she probably thinks (like her mother) that Dean would do the same thing with her, but it’s not like he has already done it, and he actually doesn’t know anything about what happened to her father.

There is also another character who's introduced in the first seasons but who has much more screen time in this one: Bobby Singer. He's one of my favourite characters on Supernatural ever and, I mean, who doesn't think it the same way? He's a loving, but also grumpy, old man who can perfectly sostituite John in his father role, indeed he's much better than him. He doesn't treat Sam and Dean as soldiers, but as his children first, and he cares about what troubles them and what inner thoughts they're facing. And that leads us at the end of the season, when Dean has already made the deal with a demon to bring his brother back to life (a thing Dean has condemned before, especially because his father did the same for him, which demonstrated a bit of hypocrisy, even if it's comprehensible). Bobby is mad at him and for good reasons: he understands Dean wanting Sam back and doesn't blame him for it, but what worries Bobby the most is the little (almost non-existent) care Dean reserves for himself. His self esteem (which is talked about more in the third season) seems so low he doesn't even care if he ends up in hell (and that he will in about a year). All he's been good at is being a good soldier and keeping his brother safe, protecting him, so when he faces the fact he hasn't saved Sam he can't live without bringing him back to life, even if that means sacrificing himself in the most terrible way. Sam now has to live with the weight of his brother's death and trip to hell (beside worrying about the upcoming war with the demons who escaped hell), but these are the main themes of season 3.

- Carly 💚

#supernatural #spn #dean #dean winchester #sam #sam winchester #john #john winchester #mary #mary winchester #bobby #bobby singer #ellen harvelle #jo harvelle #ash #azazel #the trickster #trickster #gabriel #castiel #destiel #kinda #not that I mentioned it #there’s subtext even in my review #season 2 #supernatural review #supernatural season 2 review #it’s pretty messy #I’m sorry #supernatural rewatch