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megan-is-mia · 4 years

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28 on the monster prompts w/ malleus pls? if this isnt too much.i rly like the way u write him. :)

(I’m glad you enjoy my writing style!) 28. “Love is such a foreign concept for my kind, I hope you’ll teach me how to love” (Yandere! Malleus Draconia x Fem! S/o)

The Lord of Dragons, Malleus, never thought he’d be reduced to such a pitiful state. Shot down from the skies mid-flight by humans and left to bleed out in the woods. He swore that when he finally passed on from this world that his ghost would seek vengeance on the mortals who’d put him in such a state of disgrace. However, today would not be that day, as a young maiden making her way through the forest happened across the mighty beast in her hunt for herbs. “If you can understand me I’m here to help” the girl said in a clear and loud tone at Malleus who merely twitched one of his great eyes in irritation. “My name is (Y/n), I’m going to treat your wounds. I promise I’ll try to be gentle but you’ll have to forgive me if I accidentally hurt you in the process” she added, setting down her basket of herbs and ripping part of her dress in order to get a strip of fabric large enough to wrap the most egregious wound. Through the entire process, Malleus was silent except for the occasional growl of pain when she touched a particularly damaged spot. After (Y/n) was finished binding his injuries she left, but not without promising to come back and change the wrappings for him. Malleus watched her go, utterly unconvinced that she would return. So when she did return as promised the next day, he was intrigued. “You know most people in my town don't believe that dragons are real, not anymore. Everyone is convinced they died out during the last great war. But I always hoped… maybe I’d be lucky to see at least one dragon in my lifetime even if it was from afar” (Y/n) chattered as she changed the bloody wrappings she’d tied the previous day for fresh strips of cloth. She was unaware that Malleus could understand her every word and could have answered her if he chose to. “You’re very pretty, I mean your scales are so pretty” (Y/n) commented her hand hover over Malleus’s neck but not touching as if afraid to make causal contact with her patient. The dragon closed the distance for her, putting his head on her hand, and coaxing her to give him his chin a little scratch. He purred softly at the scratches, enjoying how nice (Y/n)’s fingers felt against his scales. He could only imagine how good they’d feel against his skin. That would have to be an endeavor for another day, as all his energy was focused on healing. The number of injuries he’d taken made it impossible to take human form again until his body had finished repairing itself of the damages it had sustained. Until then he’d happily play the part of the invalid beast for the kind (Y/n) to fuss over. Malleus didn’t realize he had begun to grow attached to her until she didn’t visit for a day. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to not visit yesterday. My mother says I’m going to get married in a few days and will be moving with my new husband to the city. So I won't be able to care for you anymore. Tomorrow will be my last visit to you” (Y/n) said softly. Malleus let out a growl at this news, though he wasn't sure why. “Oh sounds like someone is jealous that he wouldn't be the one getting my love and affection anymore” the girl said teasingly. Was that it? Was he jealous over not having the affection and love of a human girl? Malleus wouldn't have thought it possible for him to feel this way. Dragons didn't usually experience the same weak emotions that humans did. Had he accidentally learned that tricky emotion known as love? Whatever the case was his mind was made up. Tomorrow, when she came he would be ready for her and he would not be taking no for an answer. (Y/n) was feeling very down as she went into the forest to visit her dragon friend for the last time. She didn't want to get married to a stranger but knew it was her duty as the oldest daughter of her family to marry well. As she reached her destination she found herself bewildered by the absence of the dragon. “Dragon? Where are you? Hello?” she called out only for a pair of arms to come out from behind her and grab her. “Hello (Y/n)” Malleus said nuzzling his face against the top of his girl’s head. ““You know love is such a foreign concept for my kind” he added, pressing a kiss to (Y/n)’s forehead. “However I hope you’ll teach me how to love the way you humans do” Malleus finished, giving the girl a moment to process the information she was receiving. He felt her begin to tremble which only goaded him into holding her tighter. “What’s going on? Who are you? Where’s the dragon?” (Y/n) said, one question right after the other as her trembling only got worse and worse. “What, you don't recognize the beast you nursed for weeks now that he’s in human form? As to what's going on, I’m taking you home with me of course” Malleus replied scooping the girl off her feet as he spread his wings and prepared to take flight with her in his arms. “You didn’t answer my…” (Y/n) trailed off already knowing the answer to her question. She had nursed the number one foe of her people back to full health and he was now going to take her back to his fortress as a prize. She would have started crying at her own stupidity if it wasn't for the genuinely sweet look in the dragon-man’s eyes. (Y/n) could almost believe that there was hope for her when he looked at her like that. “I couldn't stand the thought of you marrying some human nobody my sweet (Y/n) so I intend to make you my wife. Perhaps our marriage will help to calm what little tension still remains between our two races” Malleus said kissing (Y/n) softly as they lifted off the ground. He was so excited to show her his world, up in the mountains where the humans could not climb. They would be happy together, he just knew it… THE END

#Yandere Twisted Wonderland #Twisted Wonderland #Yandere Malleus Draconia #Malleus Draconia

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claire-willz · 4 years

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I want you to know the number you did on me. I want you to know how badly you fucked me up. I can lie through my teeth and say how over you i am, and how i'm doing good now and I'm in a better mental state and whatever the fuck. I mean I think i am? I'm not 15 and self harming and shit anymore, I don't do the same shit I did back then. I don't know if I'm in a better mental state, or if I've literally just grown up. You fucking broke me. You broke my spirit, you broke my soul.You were so fucking mean to me, I still, 8 years later have your voice in my head mocking everything I do, including writing this bullshit. You fucking ruined me. My life and who I am would have been so different if I had never met you. I mean fuck, i was so desperate to get over you I started sleeping around with anyone who would give me the time of day, which eventually lead me to be a prositute because i thought 'i do it anyway but for free, why not get paid for it?'. In this whatever post I plan to be as vunerable as i can be, and in that, I feel like I'm worth fuck all because I was a prostitute. Because of you. 8 years later and saying your name feels like I'm spitting fire, my stomach turns and i get this rush of emotions, love, hate, heartbreak, guilt.. 6 years ago, I tried to take my own life. I remember thinking how when it worked you would say 'well she was actually strong enough to do it, never thought she would'. But It didnt so.. 5 years ago, I had the biggest depression breakdown to date which cost me not one but two hospital admissions in the space of 24 hours, and I remeber worrying that you would find out because I wanted you to know I had changed even though we hadn't spoken in 2 and a half years. I was depressed, the pressure that you still put over me to be everything i never was that you wanted collapsed me i suppose. Mix that with me trying to be a better person for you and never feeling like it was enough because you fucking hate me and honestly, i see myself the way you do, or did, been too long now, maybe after 8 years you changed your mind? just in case you came back, just in case. I don't remember the sound of your voice, I barely remember what you look like. I don't remember your likes and dislikes, I don't remember your traits and hobbies, But i remember how you made me feel. And I know, because ive been telling myself for years that i need to forgive you, and I think i have, But if i really had, I wouldn't be writing this, so i don't know. Everything I did to the drugs I smoked, the alochol I drank, the people I considered friends and the men i slept with was all to get over you, and in return... I got cripping anxiety as a result from all of it. My psychologists says that to me, you represented everything i wanted at the time even if it wasn't who you were. You represented the love i wanted from my dad, you represented a happy life, you represented acceptance and approval, stability, just everything I didn't have and never did have that subconsiously I always wanted.. and yes, you did put me into therapy, not soley you, but you did. You're right, I am crazy, and i blame you for it, you made me crazy then got mad when I was. But what i wanna know, is how the FUCK do i fix this mess you made, they say time heals all wounds but i disagree, a shitload of water has run under the bridge, every single cell in my body has changed, but the time hasn't healed the wounds its caused a huge infection, the water running under the bridge has stopped running and turned into a lake, the cells in my body still crave you and still yearn for your smell and the sound of your voice saying 'stress less baby'. If i could still remember, it would ring in my ears, but its hard too when your voice is basically forgotten in my memory. I don't know how to get over you, I've tried literally everything. Hypnotism, medication, drugs, alochol, sex (and alot of it), I've tried dating other guys,I've written you letters and burnt them,Ive talked about you in depth to that many fucking people its embarrasing, yet I'm still here. Saturday night and i'm still missing the absolute shit out of you and I'm still hurt over you, stalking any only tumblr profile that has even the hint of your existence then feeling my stomach turn when i remember how it felt when you did the things you did to me. Its like its october 2012 all over again, it feels the exact fucking same and I don't know why. I hate it, I wish it could stop but I really am convinced that I never will. I won't get over you, the damange you did won't heal. I hate you, I hate you so much it literally lets my skin aflame, but I would do absolutely anything to have you back in my life. I don't think I'll get this happy ever after I've been dreaming of, I don't think I'll find someone and get married. I wish you never existed, because this isnt normal. The feelings and everything i go through daily still isn't normal. And i wish it wasn't like this. 24/7 you're torturing me. And i mean youre happy now, you have a wife and a kid, you moved on so long ago I'd be suprised if you ever remembered me. You won't ever read this, and i hope you don't. Maybe this is just another lame attempt to get over you, it won't work, but helps the pain for a little while. Being completly vunerable and honest in a 'letter' isn't something ive done yet. The rest that i wrote were all bullshit on how i forgive you and how i dont love you anymore and how i am doing so much better than you ever thought possible and blah blah blah. All lies, they feel real at the time and maybe they are, but when its moments like these that are so fucking raw the truth just comes out and i'm here, thinking of you and hating everything thats happened. I see my life and three sections, before you, during you, and after you. Before you life was easy, during you.. life was amazing and intense and extreme, after you is pain and denial. Its embarrasment and sadness. Evens bandaids fall off, even stitches get infected. Open wounds sometimes stay open. And its your fault. Maybe if you did come back life would get easier for me, maybe i wouldn't hear your voice, maybe I would go crazy on you again. I know i did awful things to you, but were they that awful? I did them because i was hurt, but you did worse too, and you never owned up to it, and yet youre still the victim in my eyes, even though you moved on and you don't feel the way i feel. I am the victim here, not you and fuck you for thinking that, fuck me for thinking that, I'm just as bad for viewing you that way, I could probably choose not too, but its so embedded into my subconsious i don't see any other way to view you. Because i hate you like you were the bad guy, and love you like you were the victim. It would have been easier if you died, not gonna lie about that. If you had died, my life would be easier. I don't mean that as 'i wish you were dead', but i mean that if you hadnt of left my by choice, it would probbaly be easier to deal with. I know ive changed as a person, i made alot of mistakes and i grew up and grew from them which is something every single person has done and yet i feel your judgement in the harshest way for every single one of them. I carry the guilt for the things that i did as if i did them to you, the one i cared/care about most. I don't know how well this explains everything within me ranting about shit and whatever, but i tried.

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gizkasparadise · 4 years

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wow trying to edit that post was a nightmare. sorry yall.

anonymous asked how bad “goodbye my princess” was.

vague badness: enemy lovers that actually have consequences, betrayal/lying, jealousy, murder, suicide, dead family members dead family members everywhere, depression, the male love interest going a lil Unhinged, main character deaths (plural)

detailed spoilers (and legit, SPOILERS) under the cut

so you have to embrace that the male lead/chengyin is an absolute piece of shit. like he’s terrible. and he’s compelling. but he makes so many bad choices in pursuit of power / the throne of the li empire. so so many. now, he loves xiaofeng and it’s legit, but that ultimately brings more pain to her than if he didn’t.

Fucked Up Shit Chengyin Does: A Love (?) Story

-within the first 10 episodes, he + his soldiers have almost completely wiped out xiaofeng’s family + the danchi as a whole. her cousins die. her friends die. tangentially, her mother dies and her father goes insane. chengyin even beheads her beloved grandfather in front of her (he didn’t know she was there. but lmao. still.)

-did i mention that was on their wedding day? it was on their wedding day. said grandfather even gave her away. he went ahead with marrying xiaofeng even though he had no intention of abandoning his mission and thought idk love would fix it? chengyin what what what are you doing

-it’s unclear whether or not chengyin was going to tell her he was the double agent/the reason the li empire was able to wipe out the danchi, but there’s this like Significant pause between when xiaofeng wakes up from traumatically fainting after the danchi are defeated to her recognizing the li empire armor in his quarters where he doesn’t say anything and it is Sketch. definitely the implication that if he could he would hide his role in the defeat of the danchi from her and just Carry On as a Happily Married Couple

-she’s rightfully horrified by him when she makes the connection between him and the armor in his tent and tries to stab him, so he stabs himself harder which isnt awful but just fucked up like this is not a good relationship

-when gu jian (xiaofeng’s teacher/first love) comes to take her out of the li military camp, chengyin stops him and demands that he lets xiaofeng go because, quote, “They’re not over yet.” bro you just massacred damn near her entire family i think that’s a dealbreaker (to his credit he does let her leave but lmao it’s v clear he didn’t want to)

-there’s a semi-time skip and Plot Related Amnesia, so he and xiaofeng don’t remember their traumatic history, and both end up in the li empire b/c of xiaofeng’s marriage contract to one of their princes. one would think without the danchi backstory maybe they could have a better time. they don’t.

-chengyin falls for xiaofeng again, but he knows the politics of court are Fucked Up and if he shows he cares about her they’ll target her. so he makes a girl who’s been in love with him since childhood (se se) his concubine and fake!dotes on her to have all the political schemes fall on her instead of xiaofeng. basically, he exploits the poor girl’s feelings to make her a meat shield. i think he calls her expendable at one point. on the flip side of things, he treats xiaofeng like absolute shit sometimes in order to protect her. which works, but gd what an asshole

-although their memories are gone, chengyin knows basic things about the events in western liang that others in the palace have told him: that he defeated the danchi and killed xiaofeng’s grandfather are among them. he doesn’t tell xiaofeng this, even when they’re officially engaged. she finds out on her own right before the wedding and confronts him. he’s essentially like Look I Didn’t Want You To Know and when that doesn’t do well he’s like Think of The Country and also I Love You and gets general pei to later take her to the memorial he built for her grandfather, complete with his armor set. which is kind of sweet but also kind of imperialist museum? and also he was the one that killed him??

-super jealous. when there’s rumors that general pei and xiaofeng are having an affair (they’re not), he maneuvers to publicly strong-arm pei into a marriage with his sister (aka an imperial princess aka a marriage he can’t turn down). it turned out alright, but the Motives were definitely not alright--emphasized by the stone cold stare down he gives xiaofeng after the announcement (she’s oblivious to it, because she’s not in love with pei, but chengyin doesn’t know that). part of it is a political maneuver, but it’s also p clear that it’s personal

-a doozy. so gu jian, chengyin’s cousin and accomplice in the Take Down the Danchi Fuckery, is in love with xiaofeng. he was also xiaofeng’s first love, but she doesn’t remember him because #amnesia. throughout the second half of the show, gu jian’s been working as sort of a guardian for xiaofeng as she lives in the palace and trying to make amends for his part in the danchi massacre/trying to assuage his guilty conscience. at one point, he decides enough’s enough and he kidnaps xiaofeng in order to get her free from the palace. during this time, chengyin’s absolutely losing his shit because his beloved wife is gone and he knows gu jian’s the one that took her / has his suspicions about gu jian’s feelings for her.

while gu jian and xiaofeng are on the run, xiaofeng starts to get bits and pieces of her memory back--all of them surround a man named “xiaowu” aka chengyin’s alter-ego when they were together in west liang. because he’s a shit, gu jian says he’s xiaowu, and as a result xiaofeng believes he’s the one she used to be in love with. Complicated. even more complicated when, fleeing chengyin and palace soldiers, xiaofeng hits her head and COMPLETELY remembers everything.

needless to say, she doesn’t want to be around chengyin anymore. it’s super sad and fucked up, because while xiaofeng remembers everything, chengyin doesn’t. so here’s what chengyin knows:

-his wife was open and warm and they were in love even if he couldn’t always show it because #Intrigue

-wife gets kidnapped by his cousin, who he suspects is in love with her

-wife comes back from kidnapping, hating him and saying the only person she ever cared for was xiaowu -- which is NOT HIM

-his cousin claimed to be xiaowu

when gu jian tries to rescue xiaofeng again, he’s surrounded by palace guards and chengyin goes totally unhinged. he forces xiaofeng to watch as he orders his men to shoot the shit out of gu jian. she tries to look away but he won’t let her. he doesnt even care that a’du, xiaofeng’s best friend and the only one she really has left, is at risk of being shot as well. gu jian dies, and while xiaofeng knows he’s not xiaowu she remembers that they grew up together/at one point he was her beloved teacher and she’s devastated. she tries to starve herself but chengyin threatens to take a’du away forever if she does. it’s fucked up.

-xiaofeng tries to escape multiple times, and he won’t let her/re-captures her. it’s just. sad. really sad, esp since she can’t forgive him for what he did to her family

-after all this shit, west liang decides to rebel and chengyin decides to crush them. because killing one side of xiaofeng’s family tree wasn’t enough, apparently

-xiaofeng rides out to the middle of the battlefield--on one side is west liang, under control of her brother. on the other is li empire, under control of her husband. she threatens to kill herself unless chengyin meets two of her conditions: 1) that he’ll leave west liang the fuck alone for as long as he lives--chengyin agrees, and it’s clear he would say yes to anything she asks because he is freaking out. he even says that if she dies he’ll kill himself, too. which leads to wish 2) he has to live well

which feels like a mixture of selfless love and a little bit of a fuck you? she knows that making him survive after she dies is probably going to be what hurts him the most, but he swore to it. then she slits her own throat while he watches, and he runs by her side and is trying to keep her alive (which is fruitless). and then he’s shoved away from her by her brother, who takes her corpse back to west liang. chengyin grows old, and it’s clear the only thing he’s got is his empire and it’s a lonely fucking life. at some point, he abdicates to his nephew (implying he never had his own family) and goes back into the desert to “find xiaofeng” because he’s in denial that she’s dead and the vibe is that he’s definitely going to die alone out there

#fin

characters who die

-danchi: tömür/xiaofeng’s grandfather, he shi (a’du’s brother/xiaofeng’s friend), yi moyan (xiaofeng’s cousin), batu’er, a good freaking chunk

-west liang: consort/princess mingyuang, ashina yun/xiaofeng’s mother, qu wenchang/xiaofeng’s father goes insane

-li empire: zhao sese goes insane, crown prince #1/chengji, crown prince #2/chengye, the empress, the emperor, gao yuming, li yan, gao zhen, gu ruhui, chang’er, chai mu, ming yue

-main: xiaofeng, gu jian, a’du

#goodbye my princess #the eastern palace #asks!#please god let that cut tag work #gizka does kdrama

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

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the rest... of... book 4..... through chapter 225

i sad.

“He was lying to himself and lying to others! All nothing but deceit! No matter what, it was impossible to pretend nothing had ever happened, and it was impossible to return to before!!!” - i know :(

“Before Feng Xin went, he was afraid. Now that Feng Xin had gone, he wasn’t scared any longer. But, even though he wasn’t afraid anymore, he was in deeper agony.” - ah yes. being afraid of your friends leaving so you do things to drive them away so you can have something to point to and say that you were the one who made the choice and you dont have to fear it anymore. except that has never once worked out ever and turns out losing people just means you lost them and it still hurts. not that i would know or anything.....

“He saw upon the table there were a few plates of horrid-looking dishes that were now cold. They were what he made the queen take away without eating a single bite the night before. Now, he pulled them over absent-mindedly, and ate everything, not daring to leave behind a single leaf, afraid to miss a single grain of rice. After he ate he started puking.” - this broke me and the bad cooking isnt funny anymore :(

all this happens after they have money again. no further commentary on this chapter

i know for a lot of book 3 i just wanted hua cheng to go away but now i would give anything for wuming to come and interrupt these interactions with white no-face

“Lang Ying, a brute commoner, led an army and destroyed Xianle. With the aura of the king enveloping his body, ordinary evil wouldn’t be able to come close to his person. However, at this moment, what Xie Lian brought with him were millions of souls of those who died on the battlefield!” - interesting to think about this story from lang ying’s point of view. the bit about his wife and child... oh my god... the things we carry with us...

“Will it really be alright to leave him like this? How about, I give him a cup of water?” - cup of water motif is back... ouch

“One person. Just one. Really. Just one person was enough!” - for like 20 minutes after reading this i really was just sitting here thinking about every time a stranger did me a small a kindness and the times i did the same it just made me cry harder i love people and they really can be awful and choose to be cold and cruel but it means that when they choose to be kind..... it doesnt negate the cruelty but its still indescribable.. and being able to see that and remember that even after all the pain.....

ugh still just thinking about the times ive gone through something that changed me and having the cold numb fear that i would never be the same as i was before that i would lose some precious part of me forever and wondering if this would be the thing that finally did it... i dont know if ive ever actually experienced a piece of media that really make me think about that tbh

“Stop thinking so highly of yourself! I don’t need you to teach me anything, I can learn on my own. If you represent heaven’s will, then something like heaven’s will should be destroyed!” - why is defying the heavens so sexy.... keep it up (edit after white no-face identity reveal: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!)

the fact that xie lian went through what he did and got nothing out of it and in fact lost everything he had left due to the trauma,,,,, but just one person is enough for him to willingly offer to do it again, even if all he could save is one person,,,,,, crying again.... and who it is who takes it all on instead... ok...

“After all, everyone knew that Mu Qing ascended because he cleaned up all the remaining stubborn resentful spirits in the old capital of Xianle, so to understand it as “generous and kind” wasn’t unreasonable. In any case, everyone in the old capital of Xianle were all very grateful for him.” - its not unreasonable at all!!! this boy picks cherries for his mom and the neighborhood kids leave him alone

“Shaking his head, Xie Lian contemplated, then he ladled two large bowls of rice, one offered inside the Temple of Ju Yang, the other inside the Temple of Xuan Zhen. Finally, feeling that everything served its purpose, he clapped his hands close, completely satisfied.” - please i just want them to be friends again

ruoye........ xie lian bidding farewell to the tiny red flower.... ok i feel a totally normal amount about all these things

book 5 time!!!

xie lian king of taking a third option.. no one dies in the kiln at all we’re just leaving bitch

“Xie Lian didn’t know why he had to use his hands to cup Hua Cheng’s cheeks, but he did so subconsciously, probably so he could comfort him, but also because Xie Lian was afraid Hua Cheng’s face would be frostbitten by the snowstorm.” - gay people.....

“This giant stone divine statue must’ve been sculpted when Hua Cheng was trapped inside the Kiln, when he was severely beaten down and in intense suffering.” - ohhhh my god. okay. okay. look. i get it....

“The divine statue obeyed his command and took off with a gigantic, wide step, going along with the rolling current of snow. One slide was several miles, and the snow waves it created crashed around its body. Because both its arms were open, even though it was a body of a million tons, it still maintained good balance.” - HELL YEAH!! HELL YEAH LETS FUCKING GO LETS GOOOOO

the statue that requires transfers of spiritual energy... statue of make you kiss me i see how it is.....

“Hearing this, Hua Cheng raised his brows, his expression seeming to say, please have them beat each other to death, that’d be great.” - when you dont like your SO’s friends and they dont like you

“With a sharp sword in hand, Xie Lian was like a tiger with wings added, his might increasing exponentially, and he struck out!” - YES!!! GET EM!!!!

“No one could blame him for not knowing what was going on. Perhaps, he was confused the entire way: Why was he beaten? Why was he buried inside a wall? Why was he turned into a daruma doll? And why did he have to turn into a sword, too? There was not a single point where he’d figured out what was happening.” its okay qyz its okay i know honey me too

HELLO?? SQX IS BACK???? omg what a development omg omg okay okay interesting... okay so shi wudu would have rather died than lose everything but shi qingxuan is still trucking

“Hua Cheng responded lazily, “Oh? So you mean to say, beggars can’t save the world? Is it because they don’t have the ability to, or because they’re not worthy?” - KING okay i know this is a motivational tactic but also... who was it who took on all the souls for the human face disease and did in fact save the world back then hmmm?

absolutely enthralled by the fact that in chapter 207 we find out that the guoshi is in fact just. still here. and the name of the chapter is "Seeking Affection; Ghost King Fakes Displeasure” which i mean that happens too but fjasdlkfajsld

bruh okay. okay. okay. everything is happening okay. okay. chaos in the heavens okay. ling wen is still invited to kiss me on the mouth tho idc

“Indeed Yin Yu didn’t have enough confidence, and said weakly, “Chengzhu has shown me grace, he saved me…” “I know,” Jun Wu said. “He even helped you pacify and send off the resentful spirit of Jian Yu, who died during banishment, am I right?” - awww im glad they resolved that bit that whole situation was awful also give me the forbidden hua cheng ghost king lore...

“Yin Yu finally couldn’t take it anymore. He clenched his fists tight, his knuckles cracking, and he whipped around. “I DO RESENT HIM! I DO HATE HIM!!! BUT, SO WHAT??” - yin yu kiss me on the mouth right now

“Xie Lian hugged him. “It’s alright, it’s alright. These are all small matters, really. Your Highness Yin Yu, just live in this world for another few hundred years and you’ll know that none of that really matters. Either driven to madness or really wishing someone would die, whichever. Who in the world has never had such thoughts? I’ve even thought of massacring all in the world who had wronged me, it’s true, and no lie, I’d almost done it. But look at me, haven’t I shamelessly lived until now? You haven’t actually done anything in the end, and that’s the most important thing.” - he’s right im crying again

“But…in the end, I…still think…it’s so unfair,” Yin Yu sobbed. “If I was already destined to be no one remarkable, then at the very least, I…wanted to be a kind and perfect person. But…I couldn’t even do that. It’s really…so unfair. And truth to be told, even in this moment, just thinking that I’m dying for Yizhen, this little dummy, I still can’t get over it. I can’t even let go and die with a heart with no resentment and no regrets, what is that.” - YIN YU YOU CANT DIE NOOOOOOO youre the only man in this whole book i would kiss why does this always happen im actually really sad ;_;

“If the Rain Master was killed directly, and a better heavenly official couldn’t be found to replace her, the people put food above all else; if agriculture isn’t running smoothly, the world will be thrown into chaos. You don’t let people eat, people won’t give you a job. Besides being displeased with the Rain Master, the people of the world might also begin to be dissatisfied with the great god above Rain Master’s head. Which means, if he isn’t careful, the fire can burn all the way onto him. If things aren’t controlled adequately, it might incur riots to topple gods.” - rain master my friend rain master... also yes!!!!! food production!!!! critical!!!!!!! theres a lot you can get by without but food is not one of them!!!!!

“Feng Xin was Xie Lian’s servant, his good friend, but not his slave. He could’ve built his own home, had his own family. And he had actually already met those people, but the encounter just had to be during Xie Lian’s first banishment, the toughest days they suffered back then.” i am very sad about all of this

hua cheng in the palace of ling wen looking for the brocade immortal while the heavens are in complete chaos as the world turns on its head and STILL taking the time to beg for kisses is making me lose it fjalkdfjlsd

oh my god the guoshi and the cards thing..... hmmmm

delighted that mount tong’lu has such great significance beyond just being the kiln or whatever

hmmm crown prince of wuyong... its truly sad... but dude.....

the way that the heavenly capital is literally built out of previous gods... wow

the outright attempt to continue to cycle of trauma that failed simply bc 1. xie lian is his own person and 2. xie lian recieved kindness and gave it back to the world even to the people who refused to help him im ;_;

the absolute mess of xuan ji/rong guang/pei su/banyue/ke mo going down in the palace of ming guang... entertainment

okay i think im to a point where i dont have any possible spoiler knowledge in my brain about what happens next (only thing i have is theres a joke about he xuan eating that i dont understand yet and i think we might get like an emily corpse bride moment but if we do i dont know why) but oh my god things have escalated

#oh my god the next one might be the last??? we'll see #what a ride for real #tgcf liveblog #ty to everyone who comments or reads even a bit of these i appreciate you #mouse mumbles

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space-x-cowgirl · 4 years

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Well, my mom told me I needed to try writing down how I was feeling, so here I am.

Learning that I’m going to be losing my papa has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. He’s in the hospital with throat cancer, its stage 4 and he isnt going to make it. The last time I saw him was July 4’th. I won’t be able to see him alive again due to covid, and my dad doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me to see him anyway because he’s all messed up on pain medicine and doesn’t really know what’s going on. He believes it would be traumatic for us to see it which I understand. So even though he is technically still alive it feels like he’s already gone because I will never see him, hear his voice, smell his familiar smell, feel his hugs, nothing ever again.

My papa and I weren’t as close anymore because of some things I did when I was in highschool. I stopped going to see my dad because of his abusive wife and it kind of tore my family apart. My dad was an alcoholic my entire life, when he wasn’t drinking he was working or sleeping. I only saw him every other weekend but even when I did see him, he was drunk and angry. I don’t blame him for this, addiction runs in our family. For a long time I was angry at him for letting my step mom do what she did to us. Over the years I’ve come to realize that it’s not his fault, because he wasn’t there when it happened, and my step mom was a very convincing liar. My papa was angry at me for hurting my dad when I stopped going to see him and I stopped talking to him. For many years I had no contact with my dad or that side of the family. When I did start coming around again things were tense but near the end my papa did come back around. It’s been a few years since all this and even still my dad and I are trying to build a relationship. His wife left him, and now it’s just him and my brother. My dad has quit drinking and smoking. I’m proud of him for this.

I’m filled with a lot of regret, for doing what I did all those years ago, but at the same time I feel it was necessary. I was in a very bad place mentally and I couldn’t handle being in his house with his wife around anymore. She was an evil woman. On the outside around strangers and family she was a saint, always smiling and the sweetest person you’d ever meet. On the inside when it was just her and us she was a terrible person. She was mean, cruel. She’d use fear tactics to get to me. Tell me she was going to call my mom and tell her not to pick me up so I couldn’t see her. She would take my cell phone and iPod so I had no way of contacting anyone outside the house. I was only allowed dinner, there was no food in the house so I recall mostly sneaking pieces of bread to eat instead. I saw her do many awful things to my sisters and my brother. I was lucky and didn’t experience much physical abuse from her, instead I got it mentally and verbally. She knew just what to say to get to me, and I cut myself a lot and attempted suicide twice in an attempt to get the shit to stop.

I’ve never dealt with losing a family member. I’ve lost pets and that’s a horrible pain but losing a family member is a whole new kind of pain. When I first found out I was in shock, and then I fell apart. The last few days I’ve gone from being numb or being sad, there is no in between. I have no sex drive what so ever. And it makes me feel guilty because I want to make my boyfriend happy, but I just don’t want to have sex or really do anything. I don’t even want to play my video games, the only reason I do is so I have something else to focus on for a bit. I spend most of my time feeling nothing or feeling everything. I’m irritable and don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m scared that the way I’m feeling and acting is going to cause arguments between my boyfriend and I. I don’t want that, because I mentally can’t handle that right now. I don’t know how to make the pain stop, or how to feel okay again. Nobody can tell me how either. I imagine I will start feeling a lot worse once my papa actually passes. I’ve never been to a funeral in my life, I don’t know what to expect. I’m afraid I will never be the same or happy again after we bury him. I’m terrified that my papa never forgave me, I’m terrified he’s going to pass on still angry at me for the mistakes I’ve made. I’m really sad that I was never able to give him a great grand child. I would give anything to see him again. I haven’t been happy in days, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m numb or I’m sad and crying. That’s it, there is no happy. I may feel sorta okay for a short period of time but as soon as whatever it is that’s making me smile stops, the pain immediately returns. This is the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve contemplated hurting myself but I haven’t done it because I know it will do no good. I spend most days with my mind blank, I honestly don’t really think about anything all day. I don’t feel anything, I don’t think anything, I’m just sort of here.

I’m sorry this was so long, but I really needed to get this all out, to at least try and get some peace. I don’t know when I’ll be myself again, when the sadness and the pain will end, or if it ever will. I would give anything to feel okay again. But it may take a long time.

#feelings #personal #deep #me #thoughts

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just-gay-thingz · 4 years

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So I decided to write a text about homophobia at midnight and i decided to publish it here. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the notes or reblog it :)

also im in no way homophobic. im gay myself and those are jsut the way i think about this topic.

I’m sorry for eventual grammar mistakes or spelling errors. English isnt my first language

Homophobia

There are a lot of people out there who are homophobic. Their reasons are it’s not normal or not natural, the bible says its wrong or just because they don’t like it when people don’t condone to the heteronormativity of society.

Let’s start of with the argument, that homosexuality is not normal or natural. Homosexuality is common in in over 1.500 species and homosexual animals are very important in their communities. For example, if a straight couple isn’t able to take care of their child anymore because let’s say they died. No other straight couple will be able to take care of that child because they are to busy caring for their own children. This is where the gay animals come in. As it is not possible for them to get their own children, they are able to take in the orphaned child and take care of it. When it comes to homophobia though, it only exists in one species. In the Homosapiens. Humans have been oppressing homosexual people for hundreds of years. In most countries “conversion therapy” is still legal. “Conversion therapy” is when you send homosexual people, mostly teens who were sent by their parents, to camps where people, so called “therapists” even though they are many things but a therapist, torture them into being straight. Some methods for that are: making them watch straight porn, hit them/make them feel pain while they have to watch gay porn, so that they will associate that kind of porn with the trauma in the future. Another method is to give them medicine that makes them feel aroused (e.g. Viagra) and force them into having sex with someone from the opposite gender. They also try to pray away the gay, which I think gets explained by itself.

You often hear homophobic people say, “the bible says Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” or “the bible says homosexuality is wrong” or “Homosexuality is a sin and you will go to hell for it.”. But I don’t think those people always act as it is written in the bible, because if you can’t just take one part of the bible and ignore the rest. As Jesus said: “the one without sin throw the first stone”. I don’t think those people even commit to the ten commandments. They probably already used “Jesus fu****g Christ” or “Jesus no” or other slurs including the name of God, when the second commandment is “you should not miss use the name of God”. Another example would be “You should keep the day of God holy” but I’m pretty sure not all of those Christians who use the bible as an excuse for homophobia go to church every Sunday or do nothing all Sunday long. “You should honor your mother and father” is another one of the commandments but I don’t think none of those people spent their whole live without ever speaking ill of their parents. The sixth commandment says “You should not break your marriage” but still 50% of the marriages end in divorce. Only about 77% of the world population are not Christian and obviously not all of them are married but it’s still unlikely that all those divorces are all from non-Christian people. “You shall not lie” or “You shall not steal” are commandments too and I don’t think there is a person out there who has never lied or stole something even if it was just a pen from a classmate or something like that. “You shall not desire someone else’s wife” but people still cheat and just because you are Christian doesn’t automatically make you a faithful person. “You shall not desire someone else’s stuff” but people still are jealous of others for having a better phone/car/house/etc. You have to remember those statements are only the ten commandments but if you say homosexuality is wrong because it is written in the bible. Then this means you support everything in the bible. This means you support that Babies are getting killed and women are getting raped. "See, the day of the Lord is coming — a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger. . . . I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty. . . . Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated." (Isaiah 13:9–16 NIV). This means you think it’s okay, that daughters are burned as an acceptable sacrifice for God, "And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: 'If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.' . . . When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels! . . . After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed." (Judges 11:30–39 NIV). This means you share everything you have with the people who don’t have that much, Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same. Luke 3:11 NIV. As you can see Christians often just pick the verses of the bible if they help them back up an inappropriate or offensive argument.

Good responses to homophobic sayings by Christians:

“Its Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”-“It’s Homosapiens not Heterosapiens”

For the Bisexuals: If they tell you to just pick a side, tell them, Its Adam AND Eve not Adam OR Eve

“You will turn my children gay”-“No, I don’t think so. I Mean your Heterosexuality didn’t make me straight either”

Feel free to add your own statement in the comments.

So I think that was enough with the Christians. Let’s get to Heteronormativity!

We all grow up thinking we are straight because society tells us there isn’t something else. That’s because of the almost nonexistent representation of LGBTQ+ people in the media and because it’s “normal” for a man and a woman to be together. It’s “normal” for a child to have a mum or dad. But if you don’t stick to these stereotypes, people will see you as a rebel and we always get told rebels aren’t good people and that we should always listen to our parents. But sometimes rebels are just what we need. Sometimes we just need to see that it’s okay to be different. That it’s okay for a boy to dress feminine. That it’s okay for someone to not want have sex. That it’s okay for someone to not feel comfortable with their Cis gender. That it’s okay for girls to like girls or for boys to like boys. And nobody should be able to tell you otherwise

hope you enjoyed reading this and im sorry if it was shit, these are just my late night thoughts

#homophobia #being gay is okay #gay textpost #calling out the homophobes #lgbtq+#gaypride #pride #late night thoughts #wlw #lesbian #you are valid

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yayneloveart · 5 years

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Good Omens/Lucifer 2

(wow, this thing blew the fuck up. i know this isnt the only Good Omens/Lucifer fantic (Ive made my way around AO3) so I have no idea why this is going nuts. @hairdryertrash even asked me to tag them so they would see the next part asap)

‘Lucifer, you can’t just tie up our witness,’ Chloe sighed.

‘If I hadn’t, he’d still be running,’ Lucifer justified himself.

‘Look, what is this all about?’ Crowley asked from where he sat on the floor. ‘Is this about Adam? What I did to Ligur? What happened at the airfield?’

‘I’m over all that,' Lucifer said dismissively. ‘All in the past.’

'Who told you where I was? Was it Hastur? Beelzebub? Zozo? It was Gabriel, wasn't it?'

'I haven't talked to Gabriel in millennia, I left that up to Beelzebub.’

‘Then why are you here on earth coming after me?’

‘I told you, I’m living here on earth and consulting the LAPD.’

Crowley leaned over to see around Lucifer to the officers standing behind him. He gave Decker an inquisitive look and she nodded at him. He looked at the other officers and they all gave their own affirmatives.

‘I can’t fucking believe this,’ Crowley slowly stood up and the ropes suddenly slid off him.

‘I guess it was a bad idea to tie up a snake. You are a wily one.’

‘And you’re not my boss anymore, so once I’m done here, you can stuff it.’

Lucifer just looked at him in utter awe as he walked past him back to the detectives. Dan did a very bad job of hiding his glee as he told Crowley to come with him to the station to record an official statement.

‘So... another brother?’ Chloe asked.

‘Yes, one of the younger ones, and the least predictable. And a little shit.’

‘You two can catch up after we get started on this case, right now we need to find a killer.’

‘Did you hear him? He told me to stuff it! That little brat!’

With Chloe driving, they arrived back at the precinct after Dan and Crowley and they were already recording a statement when they walked in. Lucifer settled with bitching about his family at Chloe as they watched from the two way mirror.

‘Out of all my siblings, I would think the one who followed me into Hell would have more respect,’ he huffed. ‘He’s even one of my most decorated followers, but no, he had to go and stab me in the back and now hes telling me to stuff it!’

‘Look, I don’t know what you two have been through, but we need him and his statement right now to find this killer,’ Chloe carefully explained.

‘What could he have seen, anyways? He has horrible eyesight!’

‘Wait, you didn’t actually see the killer?’ they heard Dan say to Crowley.

‘No, I got terrible eyes. That’s the reason why I need the glasses, they’re all screwed up. I do have a sharp sense of smell, though.’

Dan sighed audibly, ‘Okay, what did he smell like?’

‘Hes half lying,’ Lucifer commented. ‘He does have bad eyesight, but the glasses aren’t for that. When he fell, dear old dad decided to curse him by turning him into a snake. He can take a human-like form now, but his senses stay the same, and his eyes stay... snaky.’

‘So wait, you were being literal when you called him a snake before?’ Chloe tried to clarify.

‘Yes. Specifically, the snake that convinced Eve to eat the apple.’

‘I thought that was supposed to be you?’

‘Not really, I just told him to go cause some trouble, maybe screw around with that stupid ‘Tree of Knowledge’ dad planted in that stupid garden.’

They turned back to the interview with Dan having a hard time taking Crowley seriously.

‘Look, a meth lab has a very distinctive smell, and lets say I’ve spent time in areas that housed a few,’ Crowley explained. ‘Phosphorus, hydriodic acid, cough syrup, basic ingredients and the man reeked of them. Now unless he was just an amateur alchemist with a head cold, your victim was caught up in some serious drugs.’

‘Alright, so you picked up on the smell of meth making ingredients,’ Dan reiterated. ‘Anything else?’

Crowley thought for a minute. ‘I could smell a bit of cologne. It was too faint for him to be wearing it, so he must have spent an extended amount of time with someone else wearing it.’

‘Would you be able to recognize it out of a line of other similar colognes?’

‘Yeah, it smelled bloody awful. Whoever was wearing it cared more about the name on the bottle than the smell.’

‘Wow, if Crowley is being honest, then he’s giving us a lot of great details,’ Chloe said.

‘Hes still a little shit,’ Lucifer mumbled.

After the interview Crowley tried to sneak out of the precinct without Lucifer seeing, but at the last second Lucifer grabbed him from behind and dragged him back inside.

‘You’re not getting away that easy!’ Lucifer yelled as he put his arm around his neck and held him in place.

‘Lucifer, just leave him alone, we have work to do!’ Chloe tried to break up the fight.

‘Let me go! I don’t serve you anymore!’ Crowley struggled to groan out.

‘But I want to catch up, brother, especially after our last meeting!’

‘Let me go you giant twat!’

‘They remind me of my brothers,’ Ella sighed as she joined the other officers watching them fight.

‘For once I’m happy I’m an only child,’ Chloe commented as she backed off, waiting for the dust to settle before chewing Lucifer out.

‘Oooh, whats that?’ Lucifer caught a glint of something gold on Crowley’s finger. He let go of his neck and slipped the ring from his finger while he was caught off guard.

‘Give that back!’ Crowley shouted as he lunged at Lucifer, but Lucifer gripped Crowley’s hair and kept him at arms length.

‘This is a wedding ring, isn’t it? Did you get married?’

‘No! I bought it at a shop in Rome, I just like it!’

‘My ancient language skills aren’t the strongest, but I think I see the phrase ‘I Love You’ written in several of them. Is that Sanskrit?’

‘Give it back!’

‘If its just a random ring, then why are you freaking out over it-’ and Lucifer yelled in pain as Crowley freed himself from Lucifer’s grip and bit down on his hand, hard. ‘You bit me! You bloody bit me!’

‘You had it coming,’ Crowley picked up the ring from where Lucifer dropped it and replaced it on his hand.

‘I have a first aid kit in my lab,’ Ella announced as she took Lucifer by his injured hand and led him into her workspace, Chloe, Dan, and even Crowley following behind. ‘Wow, that is some gnarly bite you got there, Crowley. I would hate to be your dentist.’

Ella looked over the bite, most of which was two large holes where she guessed his unusually large canines sunk in. If she didn’t know better, it looked like a very large snake had bitten him. She looked up at Crowley and saw a look of satisfaction.

‘Do we have anymore information on our vic, Ella?’ Decker asked as she watched her clean the wound and disinfect it.

‘Oh, yeah, an officer talked to his wife and we got more basic information. Turns out, Weisser was working as an intern for a political campaign, and as far as we know has no history of causing trouble. Not even a parking ticket.’

‘Maybe his killer was part of the campaign,’ Dan suggested. ‘If Crowley is right about the killer smelling like a meth lab, then maybe the killer worked for the campaign and used it to launder drug money.’

‘And Weisser could have found out about it and was taken out before he could talk to the police.

‘Well, who is the campaign for?’ Lucifer asked as Ella finished taping the gaze in place over his wound. ‘We can see if any of the higher staff have any connection to drugs in the city.’

‘He was working for Thaddeus Dowling’s campaign for California Governor.’

#good omens #lucifer #lucifer morningstar #anthony j crowley #crowley #chloe decker #Dan espinoza #ella lopez

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bluepriestess · 6 years

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Chloe X Fem!Reader

Wordcount: 2.6k

Warnings: Smut! 18+ Only!, alcoholic drinks

Summary: Chloe and Reader have a little fun at the stations Christmas party 🎄

A/N: hi ok this is my first detroit become human fic so sorry if this isnt up to par with other fics youve read for this fandom lol :( if you have any advice and can phrase it in a non asshole way, drop it in the ask box (also I told you it was going to be gay @ax700)

You exited the taxi, cold, crisp air nipping at your skin. Snow fell like cherry blossoms from the sky and crunched under your feet as you made your way into the station.

It was December 23rd, 2039. A little over a year after the Android revolution. Everything had changed so much since then. Soon after, President Warren had passed an Android rights act stating that androids we're equal to humans and that they had to be treated as such, among other things. You had started working at the Detroit police station not too long after the revolution. The first 20 cases you had worked on were ones regarding human on android crimes. Even now, it was still hard for people who didn't believe they were alive to accept it.

You entered the station and loud music mixed with laughter filled your ears. Taking off your coat and scarf, you hand it to what looks like a dressing room attendant on the other side of the station's front desk. The woman in a black cardigan with her hair pulled into a ballerina bun gives you a warm smile as she gives you a little paper ticket with a number on it, probably so you know which bin had your belongings in. You notice the LED circle on the side of her head. Most androids removed theirs nowadays, as it wasn't required of them to have anymore.

You head into the office area and everything gets louder. Today is the office Christmas party, and everyone is really letting loose. You scan the room to find some familiar faces. Gavin is leaning against a wall, chatting up one of the regular secretaries who looks less than interested in what he has to say. You roll your eyes and look away, back to the crowd, eyes falling on Detective Collins and his wife, chatting with some other officers and their spouses.

Finally finding your friends, you make your way over to Hank and Connor, who are engaged in some heated conversation. You grab a drink off of a waiters tray who is passing by and lean against Hanks desk, next to Connor.

”You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, it's not like you've ever been on a date, ya tin can.” Hank yells over the music. Connor just shakes his head.

”Be that as it may, I still have infinite access to many channels on the internet and statistically speaking, just asking someone if they would like to get dinner sometime should work. My probability system says it has a 86% chance of working. 92% if you make idle conversation beforehand.” Connor says a matter of fact. You take a sip of the fruity drink before speaking.

”What are we arguing about now, children?” You lean forward a little bit to make sure they can hear you. Hank and Connor look at you and realize you're here. You can tell Hank is going to change the subject but Connor beats him to the punch.

”Hank was asking for dating advice. But now he is refusing it because I have never been on a date.” Connor says, turning to face you. Hank looks away in frustration, getting a giggle from you.

“Don’t get too carried away, I don’t want to have to arrest you two for getting into a fist fight over who knows how to woo someone better.”

You looked away at the crowd and that's when you see her. She was one of Kamski’s many Chloe androids. She had the signature low ponytail, but she had on a floral long sleeved crop top and matching pencil skirt. You had talked to her a million times while on duty, as she worked as an android crisis counselor for androids who had just come out of an abusive situation. Her office was deeper in the station. She was one of few Chloes that had decided to leave Kamskis after the revolution.

She was chatting with some other android officers, drink in hand. You don't hear Hank say something to you until Connor is waving his hand in front of your face.

”Speaking of relationship advice, looks like you need some.” Hank teases. You give him the death glare as your face turns bright red, either from embarrassment or the alcohol, but whose to say. ”You've been fawning after her for months, maybe you should go talk to her.”

”As inexperienced as Hank is, I have to agree.” Connor says, laughing as he earns a smack in the chest from Hank. You bite your lip and look back to her, she happens to look over at you at the same time. Your eyes go wide and you turn away immediately, face growing redder. Hopefully, you could survive this night without your heart giving out.

*****

4 drinks in, it was easy to tell you were feeling it. Face flush, hair slightly slicked with sweat, and giggly as hell. You had started to mingle with other officers and detectives when your liquid courage started to flow through your veins. You hung on one of your colleagues as you laughed at something they said.

”I’ll be right back, don't have too much fun without me!” You said, laughing. The group waved you off. The trek to the bathroom was slow, even though you weren't completely drunk. Having 4 inch, thin stemmed heels didn't help though.

The bathroom was dimly lit, and empty. Your heels clicked against the tile as you made your way over to the mirror. Your makeup was still intact, believe it or not. You looked at yourself in the mirror for a moment, doing the ”drunk stare at self in the mirror” thing, when you heard someone walk in. You turned to look at the person and froze.

Chloe gave you a warm smile and nod, walking over to a sink a few down from yours, and checked her own makeup. You must have been staring like a deer in the headlights because she turns to you and says, ”Is there something on my face?” You, for some reason, look around and then back to her.

”Are you talking to me?” You whisper, mind imploding on itself. Every part of your body was on fire and Ice at the same time. She was perfect in every way, besides for the fact that she was designed that way. Who she was as a person, amazed you.

She looked around, confused, but quickly dismissed it.

”We haven't seen much of each other lately. How have you been?” She takes a few steps in your direction until she is right in front of you. Even though you feel your heart in your throat, you reply.

”I-I’ve been good... How have y-you've been?” You manage to get out, trying to play it cool. She looks at you with what looks like adoration, but you refuse to see it.

”I have been enjoying my time here at the station. I would be enjoying it a lot more if I got to be out in the main office, with everyone, with you.” This causes you to nearly fall over, but you death grip the counter so you don't.

”W-What do you mean? Your office is lovely. Wish I could be in there- I mean in that area, not your office, not saying being in your office with you is a bad thing but I-” You're cut off by Chloe cupping your cheek with her hand and pulling you into a deep kiss. You're caught off guard, to say the least, but you slowly ease into the kiss, resting your hand on her waist.

She pulls away and tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, trailing her hand down your jawline.

”I've been wanting to do that for a while now.” She says, her voice sounds like honey, warm and sweet.

”Me too...” You trail off.

Her eyes light up. She grabs your hand and leads you out of the bathroom. You go the opposite way of the party and head towards the station bunk room. It's a room with a couch, a little kitchen, and some beds. It's not used as much anymore since androids were made, so officers aren't spending hours upon hours at the office and needing a place to crash.

She peaks in and sees it in it's usual state, empty. She pulls you in and slams the door shut, locking the door. Before you can say anything, you're pushed against the door, your lips on hers. Her hands are keeping your hips flush against hers. Your mind is reeling, and barely processing what's happening until she does something new that restarts your brain all over again.

She licks your lower lip, trying to gain entry into your mouth. You give it to her, and you moan into her. Her hands begin to explore your body, giving your ass a squeeze before she snakes her hand up your shirt to massage your chest.

Her lips leave your mouth to start kissing and sucking on your neck. Your hand makes it way up to her hair, entangling yourself in it, giving it a light grip. She moans as you do this, she then lightly bites neck. You gasp out more of surprise than pain, but she continues to give little love bites all up and down your neck and shoulders.

She slowly starts to guide you over to a bed, taking your shirt off as you go. You fall back onto the small bed and Chloe climbs onto of you, immediately kissing your jawline, and moving down. You put one hand back into her hair and rest the other at your side, gripping the sheets. She makes her way to your chest and leaves hickeys all over. She moves her hand under your back to unclip your bra, but first she looks to you for permission, which you hastily nod your head, causing her to giggle.

She flings your bra to the ground and you fight back the urge to cover your chest. This is the first time you had really been vulnerable like this, let alone with an android, with a woman. She seems to sense your hesitation.

”If at any point you want to stop or slow down, let me know.” She says as she plants a kiss on your forehead. This relaxes you and sparks a new fire inside you.

She cups one of your breasts and runs her thumb over your hardened bud. You inhale sharply and ease into her touch. She takes your other nipple into her mouth as she fondles the other. You moan and grip the sheets tightly. You never in a million years would have thought this is how you would spend today. Engaging in questionable activities with your coworker while at work.

Chloe lightly biting your nipple brought you back to reality with a gasp. You opened your eyes to look at Chloe. She had her own eyes fixed on yours, causing you to whimper. It was a simple action, yet so intimate.

You ground your hips against her knee that was in between your legs, needing some kind of friction. She caught on what you were signaling and removed her hand from your breast. She slowly traced her hand down your stomach and stopped at the hem of our leggings. She slipped one finger into your hemline and began to pull them down.

You raised your hips slightly so that she could pull down your leggings, helping her with your free hand. You kicked off your heels and shimmied off your leggings next. You were completely naked under Chloe. She pulls back for a moment to admire you, making you blush. Her eyes shift from loving to lustful within a moments notice.

She leans down to kiss you as her hand reaches down and massages your thigh, making you squeak out of surprise. She softly laughs against your lips. Her hand begins to move upward until she is just centimeters from your heat. She pulls back to make sure you’re comfortable. You nod and she comes back down to kiss you neck.

Her fingers trace your slit and you groan, you haven’t been touched like this in so long. You can faintly hear the bustle of the party, hoping that no one will interrupt.

Her fingers gather a little bit of your slick and begins to massage circles around your clit, your hips instinctively move with her hand.

“I’ve dreamed of this for a while now, since the first time I saw you...” Chloe whispers to your ear.

“Me too...” You say breathless. She removes her fingers from your clit and inserts one digit inside, curling it. You whimper. She pumps slowly at first but then transitions to a stay pace, adding another finger. You drag your nails down her back as you quietly moan.

She suddenly removes her and brings it up to her face, licking her fingers, which causes you to blush even more, if that’s even possible.

“You taste so good.” She says as she gets up and positions her head between your legs, holding onto your thighs with her hands. You can’t believe she’s about to go down on you.

She kisses your inner thighs up to your mound, and then kisses your slit. You lay your head back and groan. Your eyes squeezed shut.

She pokes her tongue and slowly circles your clit, your hips angle upward in response. This was the first time anyone had ever gone down on you, you could already tell it was going to blow your mind.

She gives you a few licks up and down your entrance before focusing on your clit, as she fingers you. You let out a moan, toes curling. You look down at her and make eye contact with Chloe’s perfectly blue eyes. How long had she been watching you come undone by her doing?

She picked up her pace and then you started to feel the coil in your loins start to form.

“Chloe... I’m uh...” You pressed your head into the mattress, breathing becoming loud and heavy. You knew you should have tried to be quiet but it just felt so goddamn good you couldn’t help yourself.

You moaned Chloe’s name loudly as you came, Chloe keeping you hips in place as she let you ride her face to your finish.

As you came down from your high Chloe had moved out from between your legs and kneeled at the side of the bed, resting her head on her arms as she just simply stared at you. You looked at her with your glazed over, post orgasm eyes.

“I suppose we should get back to the party...” Chloe said, brushing a strand of hair out of your face.

“Or we can go back to my place and pop in a movie? If you want I mean... I feel like I need to do something in return for you doing... that....” You said as you got up to redress. Chloe weighed her options for a moment.

“I would like that very much.” Chloe stood and helped you fix your hair so it didn’t scream “I just got blown and finger blasted at my place of business”.

You and Chloe unlock the door and begin to walk out when you’re met with a blushing Hank and Connor. You just stare at the other pair in horror, mouth agape.

“Chloe was just showing me the old bunk room, I didn’t even know we had it, nice party isn’t it? Ok gotta go!” You grab Chloe’s hand and make a b line for the party, a laughing Chloe in tow, leaving Hank and Connor glued in place, shocked.

You could hear Hank yell after you, “That’s not what I meant when I said to talk to her!”

#chloe dbh #detroit become human #chloe rt600 #chloe x reader #dbh #my fics

97 notes · View notes

solarianradiance · 6 years

Text

Heartsick: Loving Rage

https://skaianradiance.tumblr.com/post/174939512530/heartsick-quelling-nightmares

You are ROSE LALONDE

And you just finished your third therapy session with JOHN EGBERT, and things were pretty productive.

EB: so is... that it then?

TT: That’s it, unless you have something else you feel like sharing. Which I encourage you do, since we are still here.

EB: nah, i was actually getting a lil sleepy, glad we can do something else now.

TT: Ok, then why dont you run along and play now, the big kid toys on the playground are open~

EB: ok i’ll-

EB: ...rose...>:B

TT: Sorry, you just seemed like an eager child waiting for recess, wanting to burn off his energy in a game of tag. A lil playfulness isnt going to hurt~

EB: right, well, your eagerness to reduce me to child-like context makes me think you might want kids, or could be an assertion to your unfulfilled childhood.

TT: Using my status as psychologist, and attempting to use it on me, can be interpreted as a sort of challenge, a display for primal ugres pertaining to the desire for dominance.

TT: Is this your way of saying that you want dominate me John?~♥

EB: what?! no! i want nothing of the sort! <:B

TT: Or perhaps you want me to dominate you?~

EB: ok, enough! this is weird enough as it is and i want no part of your weird kinky fantasies!

TT: Doesn't take a psychologist to know that you love it~

John absconds tfo, likely off to reevaluate his sense of company... or at least grab a bite to eat. Which might be a good idea for you to do yourself. You haven't eaten much of anything all day, and you are gonna need some energy to digest all of these notes.

Oh boy, what a choice of words to apply to your thoughts, you really are hungry!

Either way, you got a lot of things to go through, today really was productive, so many notes to go through!

Which is what you WOULD say, or think, if you werent a liar. There really isnt much more you have garnered that you don’t already know. The therapy sessions with John haven’t yielded much thus far, but these things tend to take time.

At least he is here with you and Kanaya. Speaking of whom, you feel like visiting her afterwords... specifically after your own snack.

You head out of your office, and into your kitchen. Its a spacious place, nice and wide, ready to make a feast if it needs to, especially a state dinner meant for discussing the worlds issues and the like. Rather dull affairs usually, even if they do tickle your “woman of power” side quite a bit. Being a Goddess has its weight of duty behind it, but it also has its perks~

You don’t worry about wealth or food, and you feel rather fulfilled acting as both a literal Queen and Goddess ruling a part of the world. Your Mother would be proud were she alive today... which she technically is, both alive and proud of you.

Speaking of whom, you informed her of the situation this morning, about John’s general condition and beckoned her return as soon as possible given that the situation is rather urgent, though not dire. However, you omitted the part about his incident in the bathroom. You don’t want to build up excessive stress in their minds and risk making them hysterical.

Kanaya had the duty informing Terezi of the situation as they know each other better than you do, being Troll lends an air of intrinsic understanding that you would not be innately imbued with, that much you have come to understand studying the psychology of Trolls.

Anyways, you simply are here in the kitchen for a slice of pizza, you don’t know why, but you have been craving this pie of Italian cuisine for over a month now. Meat lovers in particular has caught your fancy, though you have been mixing things up with everything on it and veggie pizza’s.

You guess its that they remind you of home, you sort of miss those nights your Mother called in for a delivery when she didn’t cook anything for the evening... or did cook something, and it was an egregious disaster. Part of you thought she did it out of spite, but looking back, she simply enjoyed it as much as you did. In fact, you think it was one of those times when the two of you sort of put your supposed game of will’s aside and just enjoyed each others company, in your own ways.

Regardless, you have been on a pizza kick, and you need your fix for the night ahead, so you open the fridge

to find your leftover are missing and now assumed eaten by an entity other than yourself!

... ... ...

TT: ...

TT: Whatever, didn’t need it anyways.

Need is the correct term, but you really did want it. You guess John must have eaten the last of it. Oh well, its not the end of the world again, you can always just order another one, you get them basically for free. Then again, you don’t want to go through the hassle, you’re not that up for pizza again now that you think about it. Annoyed from hunger pains, you instead choose to go a much more healthy rout of crafting yourself a rather tasty salmon sandwich, with a side of cheese and a glass of grape juice.

You WOULD have some wine, but you need your wits about you for the upcoming trial in mediating this interaction between John and his romantic partners. Both have been gone from his life for a long period of time, months in fact. Breaking the news to them of their lover’s emotional decay into self-harm and outright suicide is going to be a dance of caution to say the least. You really don’t want them to turn into hysterical broads over this, like you think they might. They might just blame themselves, which is an overtly strong possibility.

You finish your meal, not as fulfilling as pizza, it lacks that mild-mannered bread crust which you dig all kinds of hella on, but salmon has its own sweet charm~

As you were consuming your middle-class gourmet, you went over your notes during your sessions with John and things are... odd. There is certainly depression going on. Deep depression, yet nothing that would compel suicide. He is sad, very sad in fact, but not outright miserable, at least from what you can glean from so far.

At least he is in your care, you wouldn’t be much of a friend had you merely left him there alone in his house... sort of like what you did over the last few years. You literally had no idea he had gotten that bad, or else you would have intervened earlier. But then again, Roxy and Terezi might not have had any idea, as John was hiding his emotions and repressing them. Seems like they’re finally coming out due to isolation in the form of deep depression. You really can’t let him be alone again anymore, or else you might get a repeat of the bathroom incident.

You feel a reasonable compulsion to share this information with your wife, Kanaya. You clean up your mess in the kitchen and go looking for her. Which isn’t a very long search, as you find her in the living on a terminal. She seems to be playing a video game of some kind

GA: NO! I Dodged It’s Grabbing Lunge And Got Away, How In The Blazing Hell Did That Fat Fucking Bastard Catch Me?!!

She seems to be having a bad time.

TT: You seem to be having a good time.

GA: I Am Having An Absolutely Lively Celebration...

TT: Do you have a minute?

GA: I Do Now. I Need A Break Anyways, For This Game Has Ben Crush My Patience For Several Half-Hours Now.

TT: What were you playing? An RPG Action game?

GA: A Gaming Title That John Discovered Recently. Supposed To Be Considered Quite The Quality Recreational Engagement From What I Understand.

TT: Seems like a lot of fun.

GA: It Is! I Am Rather Enjoying Myself.

TT: I was... being sarcastic?

GA: And I Was Being Sincere.

TT: It sounded like you were hating it with a true passion.

GA: I Was... But In A Sort Of ♠Caliginous Manner♠. I Don’t Know What It Is, But This Game’s Brutality Is Rewarding When You Overcome It’s Challenges~♠

GA: This Thing Sincerely Hates Me, But It Wants Me To Win, And So I Hate It In Return For That~♠

TT: Uh-huh... anyways, I wanted to talk to you about our guests that are going to arrive shortly

GA: Terezi And Roxy? In Relation To Johnathan I Assume.

TT: Yes, more specifically on how we are going to break the news to them directly. I am not sure as to what method we should use.

GA: Perhaps Isolating Them Would Help Us Engage In The Relaying Of Our Honestly Dour Predicament?

TT: Maybe, but as I said, I am not certain, this whole situation is tricky to even talk about with John.

GA: Well, We Don’t Have The Time To Dally On It All Evening, They As Our Guests Will Be Arriving Within The Hour.

TT: I actually expected both of them to be here sooner, I suppose they had to take care of something before coming.

GA: But More To Your Point, Maybe It’s Better If We Just Told Them Both Up Front At Once And Get It Out Of The Way.

TT: Both at once? Why? That just seems like a way to escalate the situation to an all time high, wouldnt it be better to just be more subtle and work up to it?

GA: If We Did That We Might Make Things Worse, Especially With Terezi, Who Has A Habit Of Figuring Things Out, Being A Seeress Of Mind And All.

TT: How do you think Terezi will react? I can fathom what Roxy might do, probably become distraught over news of John’s self-harm, but Terezi I don’t think I can predict given how wild she is.

GA: She... Might Be Calm And Collected About It, OR She Might Become Overly Furious Over Him Committing Such An Act.

GA: Which Is To Say That I Am Not Sure Either As To How Terezi Will React Either. I Am A Bit Worried How This Is Going To Transpire.

TT: A stern possiblity is that th-*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

TT: Sounds like our guests ar-*KR4SH*

TT: !!!

GA: !!!

TT: I do believe that our guests are indeed here... glad one of them could give us an adequate amount of time to prepare for their entry

*Terezi and Roxy enter the room, proving the Seer of Light correct in her assumption of their arrival. They dont appear overly happy at the moment.*

CG: G33T1NGS OTH3R L4LOND3. N1C3 TO SM3LL YOU 4G41N K4N4Y4!

GA: Good To “See“ You As Well, Terezi. I Hope Your Trip Was Fruitful.

CG: 1T W4SNT, 4S 1 4M ST1LL CURR3NTLY SHORT OF 4 VR1SK4...

TG: hey rosie, how you doin?

TT: Hello Roxy, I am doing fi-

CG: WH3R3S JOHN?

TT: That was brief. What? You don’t want to relax and catch up for few minutes?

CG: YOU C4LL3D M3 4W4Y FROM MY S34RCH FOR MY SCOURG3 S1ST3R, NOW 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY. 1 4M 4SSUM1NG 1TS SOM3TH1NG S1GN1F1C4NTLY 1MPORT4NT, 4S YOU H4V3 R1SK3D MY WR4TH. 1 WOULD R4TH3R SK1P TH3 PL34S3NTR13S 4ND G3T TO TH3 PO1NT 1F YOU DONT M1ND.

TT: He’s...

TT: Actually I am not sure what he is up to at the moment.

GA: He Is Currently In His Respite Block I Believe.

CG: WH1CH R41S3S TH3 QU3ST1ON 4S TO WHY H3 1S H3R3 TO B3G1NG W1TH.

TG: ye, y isnt he at his house? you made it snd like smt srs happended

GA: As You Were Informed, Johnathan Is The Subject Of Strenuous Circumstances And Has Come Under Our Watchful Care.

TG: wat kind of issues we talkin here? like hes got a broken leg or pranked the wrong asshole and now we got a polkal debecle again, or wats the story here? TG: *political debacle

TT: No, it’s more like something along the lines of personal care. He... well, in your’s and Terezi’s absence he seemed to have become reclusive and appeared to have gotten depressed and he might have engaged in some harmful behavior.

TG: wat? laik he tried to hang himself or smthing?

TT: Um.... oh boy...ok so, “Tried” isn’t the word I would use... buuut...

TG: ...w-wait, wat the fuck r u saing rose? did he actually try to kill himself or smthing?

GA: Should We Just Tell Them?

TG: tell us what?

CG: TH4T SOM3TH1NG R34LLY B4D H4PP3N3D TO JOHN. 1F YOUR3 B31NG TH1S DODG3Y, TH4T WOULD 1MPLY TH4T 1T W4S OF TH3 D1R3 V4R13TY 4ND W3 M1GHT P4N1C, SO STOP ST4LL1NG 4ND T3LL US WH4T H4PP3ND3D!

GA: Rose, I Acknowledge That You Already Had A Plan In Place To Prepare Them But Should We Simply Tell Them Now? It Seems They Made A Number Of Assumptions They, And Are Making Things Worse.

TT: Im literally trying to tell them. But im trying to do it in a way that wont make them hysterical!

TG: tell us wat?! nuff of the third degre and tell us whats goin on with john! hes ok right?!

TT: Yes, at this moment he is fine. You shouldnt be so worried right now.

CG: BUT H3 W4SNT F1N3, OR 3LS3 YOU WOULDNT H4V3 US3D THOS3 WORDS 1N ORD3R TO D3SCR1B3 H1S CURR3NT COND1T1ON 1N R3L4T1ON TO WH3N YOU OR1G1N4LLY FOUND H1M

GA: Rose I... Think They Have A Strong Idea Of What Happended, I Do Not Think There Is Much To Be Gained In Dragging This Out.

TT: *sigh* Very well then... a week ago, we were getting worried about John and his condition as he was becoming withdrawn and his behavior was particularly odd. He wasn’t really as energetic or as lively as he once was and Kanaya and I began to notice. He wasn’t answering any of my calls or messages for a long while, so Kanaya was sent to his home to investigate if he was well... turned out he... wasnt

TG: ...and? what was wrong?

TT: Um... we arent entire sure what caused it, or if John was aware of what he did to himself. God this is harder to break than I thought.

GC: W41T... YOUR3 S4Y1NG TH4T H3 4CTU4LLY... TR13D TO OFF H1MS3LF?!

TT: ...Apparently, yes... Kanaya found him in his bathtub.

TG: back the fuck up, what do you mean by that exactly?!

GA: I Found Him In His Bathtub... There...There Was Blood Everywhere And He Was... Not Moving... I Was Afraid He Was Gon And... I Kissed Him In An Attempt To Revive Him-

TG: but you said he was alive right?! hes ok right now?!

TT: Yes, as stated, he is currently all right. Its as though it never happened. Kanaya Revived Him.

TG: so hes ok then, right now i mean?

TT: Yes, he’s fit as a fiddle. As I said, its like it never happended.

TG: ok good, terezi, they said he was in his room in this apartment, didnt they?

CG: Y34H TH3Y D1D, WH1CH M34NS H3S SOM3WH3R3 1N H3R3

TG: thanks rezi *does the rouge of voidy thing and vanishes tfo*

GA: Um... What Did Roxy Intend With That Stipulation Prior To Her Visual Diminishing?

GA: Then Why Did She Engage Her Voidy Powers?

=======

Elsewhere in the apartment, a very hysterical broad slowly opens the door to her boyfriends bedroom, and finds him watching a video with a pair of earphones, meaning the door opening went unheard. He seems rather into it, not sure why, but either way provides the broad with an opportunity to do this to the bum that she calls boyfriend.

*PILLOW SMACK*

EB: AH WHAT THE FUCK?! *windy thing*

EB: holy shit what was that?!

TG: me, thats what *un-voidy thing appearify*

EB: oh, its just you... what the hell is- *PILLOW BOPPED*

EB: ow! what the motherfucking shit roxy?!

TG: im motherfucking mad as hell at u right now, thats the motherfucking shit, john!

EB: well, hello again to you too i guess, why the fuck are you mad exactly?

TG: u kno exactly why im mad u dum adorable bastard, u cant fool me!

EB: oh... u saw it then?

TG: no! i wasnt there and shit, i just learned about it! i would have been here sooner if i knew what you did to yourself!!!

EB: ...wait, what are you talking about?

TG: u killing urself and kanaya finding you dead in the bathtub, wat the ever living shit do u think i was talking about?!

EB: ooooh, hehehe, thought you were mad about something else.

TG: wha-...what in the hell r u doin laffin about this? this is srs! REALLY serious! Seriously, why in loving fuck are you so chipper about this shit?!

EB: well its kind of hard to explain but-

*Rose, Kanaya and Terezi Appear*

TT: May I ask what you two are doing that is doing me a significant concern?

GA: I Second This Query, What Are You Doing?

EB: hey rose, kanaya...

EB: t3r3z1...

GC: JOHN...

TT: Roxy, answer me, what were you doing running off like that?

TG: to see john, duh!

TT: And why was there a commotion that was making a stir the ocean?

EG: hah!

TG: dude, srsly, i am so srs right now, y r u laughing?

EB: cuz it was funny?

TG: how could u be lafing about this shit?

EB: like i said it was funny! or at least i thought it was funny, so why wouldnt i laugh?

TG: because u killed yourself, or tried to! this isnt something u should be laughing about!

GC: 1 AGR33 W1TH 1NFORM4L L4LOND3, TH1S S1TUT4T1ON 1S NO L4UGH1NG M4TT3R. DO YOU M1ND T3LL1NG US YOUR S1D3 OF TH3 STORY FOR TH3 S4K3 OF POST3R1TY?

TG: yeah, tell us y u did it john! from your mouth, i wanna hear what u have 2 say bout wat happened.

EB: um... ok, theres really not much to say. where do you want me to start?

GC: HOW 4BOUT TO TH3 PO1NT? D1D YOU DO 1T JOHN 3GB3RT? D1D YOU 4CTU4LLY TRY TO K1LL YOURS3LF?

EB: i don’t i did?

TG: da fuks that supposed to mean? u either did it or u didnt! now which is it?!

EB: i guess i did it in my sleep then? i dont really remember how it happended if im being honest, i just sort of went to sleep one night and i woke up in the bathtub with kanaya...

GC: TH4TS 4LL YOU R3M3MB3R?

EB: thats all i remember!

GC: ...

GC: BULLSH1T! YOU H4V3 TO B3 OM1TT1NG SOM3TH1NG! NOW STOP PR3T3ND1NG TO B3 4 CR1M1N4L W1TH SOM3TH1NG TO H1D3 4ND T3LL US WH4T YOUR3 H1D1NG!

TT: Oh God, Terezi, no! Stop this line of questioning immediately! Its not good for him to be invoking emotions he doesn't feel comfortable invoking on his own!

EB: ok, this is getting a little bit uncom-

TG: would u knock it the fuck off rose? were tryin to get a grasp of the situation, we got a right to know whats going on!

EB: can you guys ju-

TT: Thats not your call to make, you aren’t his therapist, I am!

GC: L3G4LLY OR AR3 YOU JUST S4Y1NG TH4T TO L3ND YOURS3LF 4N 41R OF 4UTHORITY?

TT: Yes, legally! I’ve been having therapeutic sessions with him and helping him adjust enough to get comfortable and you two have been undoing all of that progress with your incessant questioning like an unexpected inquisition!

TG: well we didn expect him to offhimself while we were gon n shit rosie, wegot a right to know y he did it and all that jazz so we can help him!

EB: guys, seri-

TT: Yes you do have a right, but you need to wait until John is ready, any sooner and you might make him more withdrawn. That’s why we didn’t have John with us so that we could minimize stress!

GC: W3LL TH1S WHOL3 SH1TTY S1TU4T1ON 1S STR3SS1NG M3 TH3 H3LL OUT! 1 D1DNT W4NT TO COM3 JUST TO F1ND OUT MY K1SM3S1S 1S ON TH3 BR1NK OF T4K1NG H1MS3LF OUT! HOW DO YOU TH1NK W3 F33L 4BOUT TH1S?!

TT: Its not about you, Terezi, its about helping John, and your current behavior isnt helping anything at all, including your stress!

EB: guys im willing to help, it’s jus-

TG: doesn't help when we don’t know what happened to john. laik, did he do it or did he not do it?!

TT: That’s what we are trying ti figure out, Roxy, it’s just that this is going to take time, and we need to give him space so he can get adjusted and emotionally heal, and you two are making that quite difficult to do in the first place!

TG: bullshit! ur tellin me u had all week to figure out what the fuck went down and u still have-

GA: Would You Collection Of Inconsiderate Buffoons

GA: ♣SHUT THE EVER LOVING FUCK UP!!!♣

TT: <:X

TG:<:P TG:*<:O

CG: !!! >:O

EB: <:B

GA: ♣THE SINCERITY THAT IS MY PERSONAL DISBELIEF AT THE WITNESSING OF YOUR APPALLING MISTREATMENT OF YOUR QUADRANT-MATE IS MAKING ME ABSOLUTELY GOD DAMN FUCKING LIVID!!! NO WONDER HE TRIED TO HOMICIDE HIMSELF, HE HAS YOU TWO TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING TO BEGIN WITH!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU INCONCEIVABLY VEXING FUCKWIT CUNTS?!♣(♠?)

GC: 4LL R1GHT NOW SM3LL H3R3 M1SSY FUSSY F4NGS! 1 W1LL-

GA: NO! Shut! Up! Cease Your Bitching This Instant And Remain Silent Before I Literally Smack Your Shit Out Of My Hive!!!

GC: ...ok <:T

GA: You Two... You Two Are Supposed To Be His Quadrant-Mates... And Upon Learning Of His Predicament, This Is How You Treat Him? By Interrogating Him Endlessly Like He Did Something Wrong?! You Have Done Nothing But Not Even So Much As Asked Him How He Felt! You Should Be Consoling Him, Not Berating Him Like You Are Doing Now!

TG: i dont have to take this, wat do u think we’re doin? we’re tryin to help him and we’re-

TT: Actually, it seems like you two are trying to get to the bottom of things on your own terms, but from what I can tell, you two are merely panicking about it.

TG: ...

GC: ...

TG: ok... maybe we did panic a lil, and...

TG: shit i didnt this through at all did i?

EB: can i say something?

TT: Of course you may John. This situation IS literally about you.

EB: yeah, i... roxy, terezi, i don’t know what happened to me, but im being honest, i really dont know how i ended up in the tub. and since i guess you two care alot about me, you were upset over me not being open with you or something?

TT: John, its not your faul-

EB: hey! can i finish!?

TT: ...Just remember that its not your fault...go on.

EB: thanks rose. anyways... whatever is making you angry about this... its ok i think. we can just talk it out, right?

GC: ...Y34H, W3 C4N B3 R4T1ON4L 4BOUT TH1S.

TG: i just wanna kno y u didnt tell us about how you were feelin. like were u sad or some shit?

TT: AH! We can discuss all of this later, together, in a more formal setting. Otherwise, let’s just focus on relaxing. I think we should just this all emotional turmoil for when we are ready.

TG: ok! but just let me ask one serious question.

TT: If John wants to answer, then go ahead.

EB: sure rox, only under the condition u tell me y u panicked so hard that u snuck up on me to hit me with a pillow.

TG: i was... mad. thats y i rogued u.

EB: about what exactly?

TG: alot of things. things like, when i asked u to come wtih me an calliope on our tour and u said no. made me think u were mad or sad or something when rose told me bout ur... tub-nap, like i did it or something.

EB: oh... i said no because i thought you and calli wanted some space, thats all.

TG: dude! if we wanted space we would have let u know up front! i dont play that shit! i asked u to cum because we both wanted u to cum!

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3333

TG: y u laffin?

GC: OH JUST SOM3TH1NG FUNNY 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT

TG: whateves, rez. look, john, im sorry if i made you feel bad at any point over the last few yeras, but i need u to talk to me about this sort of thing, ok? im also sorry about boppin u with a pillow, that was a dick move on my part. TG:*years

EB: its roxy, dont worry about it! you were just having a panic attack-

TG: no its not, u scared the fuck outta me, and i really... REALLY dont wanna lose u! espeically not like that! i ju-

TT: I think thats enough for now. We can have a therapy session sometimes next week. For now lets just calm down and try to have a good time together, ok?

GC: HMMMM

GA: Is There Something You Wish To Add Terezi?

GC: MMMMM, NOT H3R3. JOHN, YOU 4ND 1 W1LL T4LK L4T3R

EB: oh great, alone with the swamp monster that licks everything and rarely brushes, fan freaking tastic.

GC: W3 W1LL SP34K 4S M4T3S, 4ND NOT 4S R1V4LS, YOU D1TZ.

EB: ...... uh...

TT: Ok! We are done in here. We shouldn’t even be having this honestly rather awkward conversation in John’s bedroom of all places.

TT: Why don’t we all go downstairs and watch a movie, or play a videogame or something. I’ll order us a pizza for dinner!

GA: No.

TT: ...Kanaya, we talked about this. You can’t stop me from ordering pizza, even if you wanted to. Besides we have guests, so one more night of Italian gourmet isn’t going to kill any of us.

GA: That Is Not What I Meant, But If You Wish To Get Fat, Be Guest Rose, For I Shall Love You All The Same.

TG: pfff-fff-fft, rood~

GC: H3H3H3H3333

TT: In that case, what do you mean by “No” then?

GA: No. As In, No, We Shall Not Be Engaging In Familial Bonding. Not With Me And Not With Johnathan.

EB: really? how come?

GA: Because You And I Are Going Out Together.

EB: you mean like a date?

GA: ♣An Ashen One, Yes♣

EB: those are a thing?

GA: Yes, They Are.

GC: NOT W1THOUT 4LL THR33 P4T1C1P4NTS TH3YR3 NOT!

GA: Yes, They Are, Terezi. Especially If The Auspice Feels The Need To Punish One Member.

EB:.... uuuuuuuhh, why are we going out together?

GA: Because I Don’t Think That After This Little Fiasco Of Theirs In Reacting To News Of Your Apparent Suicide, It Would Be Wise To Avoid Rewarding Them For Such Behavior. That And In Light Of What Has Transpired, I Do Not Feel Very Comfortable Without Knowing You Are All Right On My Terms.

TG: hang, u cant just make a desicion like that, i wanna spend time with john for a while! i didnt end my vacation just to let him flounder like a depressed fish by hijmself! i came here to help fix him!

GA: That Is Not What I Saw.

TG: well, john doesent haf to go if he doesent want to, so there.

EB: ...well...

TT: It... actually would be a nice way of resetting the mood. Getting a fresh start all that. And it could give us to catch up together, Roxy! I can fill you in better and what we can do.

GC: 1T WOULD M4K3 OUR PR3D1C4M3NT R4TH3R L3SS...3MB4R4SS1NG TH4N WH4T 1T 1S. YOU D1D K1ND OF P4N1C TH3R3 4 B1T, ROX.

EB: ... i guess that is kind of a good idea. i wont if you dont want me to though cuz i really don’t want to upset you again as well as placate Kanaya and stuff along with other shenanigans maybe.

TG: ... ur fukin luky that ur kewt... fine, u go out an have a good time or somthin we’ll stay here and wait 4 u 2 come home.

EB: great, i’ll c u latr gatr!

TG: 1 more thing *mmmwah*... im sorry again... i shoulndt have been a bitch in rage or wateves~♥

EB: heh... not problem rox <:d EB:*<:D

GC: *L1CKS*

EB: AH-GOD DAMMIT TEREZI YOU FUCKING GOBLIN CRETIN!

GC: YOUR3 ST11L MY N3RD, SO DONT FORG3T TH4T... S33 YA L4T3R DUMMY~♠

GA: Very Well Then, Now That You Group Of Flighty Broads Have Been Calmed, We Can Be On Our Way. Come Along Johnathan.

EB: all righty then, cya roxy! later rose! good to c u dumbass!

*John and Kanaya Absconds*

#homestuck #heartsick #john egbert #kanaya maryam #rose lalonde #writings #roxy lalonde #terezi pyrope #long post

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short-simple-crystalclear · 3 years

Text

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

#sacrifice

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kitsuhe · 6 years

Text

i wanna rant about my shitty grandparents (mostly grandfather for now) and how my parents didnt deserve any of this.

a side story of how my parents met: my mom was from China and worked in a cafe (with lodging) for years. she wanted to leave china because the marriage laws werent very good to women, they didnt have a lot of rights, and people can just get married and divorced on a whim, and so a marriage there would make her feel very insecure.

she saw loads of men with fancy motorcycles they probably borrowed flirting with the waitresses and getting them pregnant even though some of those men were married already. she saw loads of waitresses in and out of the job, and so she willed to never give in to the flirtations and worked at the cafe till she was around 26.

my father’s boss was in that area once in a while and frequented that cafe. he noticed my mom who always remained there and was like hey she seemed to be a nice woman and so he introduced her to his son, aka my fathers colleague.

according to my mom, the son was a wishy-washy man who couldnt make up his mind. they went for a few dates and things werent really clicking. my father, however, said ‘i want her’ when he saw her and so the choice was made, they started dating, and she went back to china for the time being. they then maintained a long distance relationship with phone calls, and one year later she came to singapore and got married.

cute, right?

then the in-laws hell, aka my grandparents begun.

and now my father’s backstory, first:

he was the classic example of the scapegoat i think. out of his siblings (an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister), he was the one my grandparents hated the most. ‘hated’ isnt even an exaggeration, apparently hey did tell him explicitly that he was the one they hated the most. A+ parenting yall. when in school, while his siblings get 50cents and 30cents (in order of favouritism), he got 20cents or none. they didnt care about the education of their kids, and so my dad dropped out at P3 (9 years old) and the others all within primary school age. my aunt may have went further though, im not sure.

when he started working at 13, my grandma would wait at the door everytime he got his salary and took all of it away. i dont think he got to keep any of it. she gambled quite often and spent loads of money.

it was from these incredibly unfair xperiences on childhood that my dad swore he would treat and spoil his kids and not show favouritism.

my parents got married years later, and basically everyone in my extended family h a t e d my mom, despite it being entirely non-justified because my mom is a freaking wonderful woman who isnt afraid of hardwork. Because my mom came from china, im presuming that its some mixture of xenophobia and racism that made them say that my mom was only here to mooch off my dad, and treat her like shit, until they didnt as they finally opened their eyes.

over here, all men have to go through compulsory national serivce, and my dad was no exception. after serving the 2 years they have to go back periodically for reservist training. this is the background info for this incident im going to repeat from my mother.

after she got married over here, my dad still had to go for reservist training. they only had a limited amount of time to use the phone after one entire week. my mom called him, talked to him as his wife, before uncle2 (the younger brother) interruppted her and told her to stop using the phone. assuming that he had an emergency, my mom quickly finished and hung up, my dad losing his rare few minutes to talk to his wife.

then uncle2 didnt use the phone.

god fucking damn it.

an example of unfair treatment: uncle1 had a different wife at that time. while my mom cooked entire meals for the family (they were living with my grandparents and uncle2 and probably aunt at that time) while being pregnant, when it came to be her birthday, my grandma didnt give her a red packet (gift of money). ‘im an old woman who hasnt worked for years, i have no money’.

then when it came to uncle1′s wife, who had never cooked any food and only got takeaways when she visited, she got a big shiny red packet from my grandma.

yeah, what the hell. my mom said she was very upset about this and cried. god, she was surrounded by people who hated her and yet she still worked so hard for them, she genuinely doesnt deserve this.

heres another thing about my grandma: apparently she gambled so often she oftently went to genting to gamble and the money all came from her kids. yeah. .

(my dads a chef, uncle1 is a mechanic, uncle2 is a part timer with no set jobs, and aunt is unknown.)

then i was born. my mom wasnt a citizen, and had to pay a lot of money to stay in the most expensive hospital word. the rare good thing my grandpa did was to fork out $2000 for her to have me. one day, if i can and he isnt dead yet, i will pay him back. ‘thats your coffin money’ i will say. ‘im not obligated to you anymore please leave my life forever’ i want to say.

looking back at the thick stack of photo albums, things appeared to be all happy and fun. people were smiling in the pictures, and i was showered in love and affection from everyone. it is only recently that i came to learn of the shit my parents went through under them.

i was also a lively and boisterous child who had no concept of day and night, it was almost enough to scare my parents into not having my siblings. nonetheless, my sister came into existence.

picture this: my dad looking all frazzled and tired as he took care of a wild toddler at the hospital without sleeping for 3 days straight, and my mom in labour, waiting to give birth. the nurse asked why wasnt anyone there to help out?

my mom said that was the only time she had ever seen my dad cry. my sister, my mom, and i all teared up as she recounted this.

it was then they swore to move out and not to rely on anyone ever again. the house i am in now is paid entirely by my parents.

my sister was born, and eventually, they moved out before my brother was born.

when they moved out, my grandma shouted at them ‘dont come back! i hope you die!’

at one point, or perhaps distance made the heart grow fonder, my grandparents and uncles started to treat my mom very nicely, realising that they were utterly wrong to judge and treat her that way at the beginning. thats why they treat her so nicely now, my mom explained. it is also the reason why my grandma always brought kuehs and chocolate cake over when she visited, subsequently developing my dislike of chocolate cake and neutrality towards chocolate at best. at this point im pretty sure they all like my mom more than my dad.

my aunt learnt her lesson in the form of receiving discrimination and hatred she once showed to my mom upon being married to a family of university graduates, and her only graduating secondary school. she wasnt as well-educated, and so after sharing my moms pain of being the hated daughter in law she finally learnt empathy and started being nice.

my grandpa too was a convert. he came over everyday to help out with chores and to take care of us. perhaps when we were all young the help was truly needed back then, but then some events made everyone question his motives...

i remember him fetching me from kindergarten every day every time. i wondered why my dad never did, and was happy on the occasions he did. it is only years later that i learnt that my grandpa hogged all those times to fetch us (my siblings and i). he outright refused to let my parents especially my dad to fetch us. on the occasions that my dad came, he threw a tantrum and went home. my dad was visibly upset as he recount this to us. ‘it felt like he was keeping my kids away from me’ he said. he has taken so much from my dad, and now even his kids???? im so upset on his behalf??

it genuinely feels like hes controlling everyone around him.

he is still coming over every single day, and from what i can tell he is incredibly passive aggressive and can never be satisifed with my dad. i dread his arrival.

for example, he refuses to eat anything my dad cooked. my dad, a known chef. once my dad made a noodle dish for dinner, he told my dad oh i cant eat noodles for dinner.

cue him eating the noodles my mom cooked for dinner.

cue him getting noodles for takeaway for dinner.

these days whenever my dad cooks for dinner we just give him money for takeaway.

speaking of leaving that ungrateful old bastard money, he also takes issue with my dad for this somehow. my dad left a note saying that thats his dinner money on the table, and he felt that it was so disrespectful he went to my moms workplace which is near where he lives and complained to her.

meanwhile my mom did the exact same thing and he had zero complaints.

when my dad fell asleep in my brothers room with my brother in it, he walked in and deliberately talked at the top of his lungs about some trivial matter that never came up in the years of living here.

the creepy amount of adoration he shows my mom is also apparent in how he would follow my tired sweaty mom after shes home from work everywhere to talk and yabber on about irrelevant things. she was obviously busy and wanted to be left alone, but hey that POS never cared about what anyone ever thought or wanted if its in conflict to what he wants. sometimes she had to close the door just to get him to leave her alone, and once he just opened the door and continued talking. my dad was enraged, he said he almost went to start a fight with him, and he would especially if my mom was in the midst of changing at the time.

once my dad brought him to the doctor. ‘so what did they say’ he would ask my dad repeatedly over and over again after seeing the doctor. ‘you are fine, and if anything happens the doctor will inform us to go to the hospital’.

he went to complain to my mom at her workplace that my dad was cursing at him to get in the hospital.

once he was nosey and opened up our mailbox, and when he found some letters addressed to my dad he slammed the pile of letters next to him on the sofa. wtf

god, its like no matter what my dad does he will NEVER be happy.

a while ago he lent his children money, and said oh its not lending hes giving them money with no strings attached, no interest at all. my dad took some for renovation, and this info will come into play later.

and so life continues on with his insistence to tidy and clean my house, with zero regards to anyones wishes. if someone so much as point out that he isnt doing something right, he would exaggerate his actions and ask and repeat.

heres the incident that triggered the Revelations:

my grandpa asked my sister if she still wanted a donut while holding it in his entire hand, as in his entire hand was clutched around the donut. visibly disgusted, my sister said no, she didnt want it. in an act of passive aggressiveness, he placed the donut and only the donut directly in the fridge. not on a plate no nothing.

my mom wrote him a note in response: my daughters are having national examinations soon, and my husband has to wake at 5am to go to work, and he doesnt have enough rest. it would be preferable if you do not make as much noise so they can study and rest properly. i am saying this here, it doesnt matter if you help with the chores or not, it is entirely up to you and we will not blame you if you choose to rest and watch tv instead. you will always have a meal and you dont need to worry about anything else. hope you can understand.

in response, he wrote back: i have read all your words, and there is no need to worry. from november, i will no longer be coming over. i want your husband to return me the renovation money. from: dumb dad (thats what he calls himself in notes)

first of fucking all: wow hes not even acknowledging that my dad is his son. second of all, hes using the money to control my parents and guilt them wtf

this incident got kinda big in the sense that my aunt got involved. my aunt, the golden child, called to stage an intervention.

she called my siblings and i privately, without my parents knowledge. she asked me:

‘are you aware that he has hearing issues and cannot tell that hes being loud?’

‘can you cope with his average noise level?’

‘is he actually disturbing you guys?’

of course i am aware. i am used to it. i am not sure why my mom wrote about the noisy part, could be the fact that he refused to let my dad rest. to which i answered:

‘yes i am aware, no he is not that noisy’

and in a nicer way, i told her ‘frankly the issue is his character, that he is a pos shit i cant stand and after knowing what he did to my parents especially my dad i dont want him in my life at all i dont want him to come over anyways’

‘how much would you say that its mostly his fault that there is conflict or is your dad making a big deal out of nothing?’

i bit my tongue and said its my grandpa 95% of the time. there are one or two occasions that i would say my dad is over reacting.

then she went on and on about how she has to balance both perspective and pick the best outcome, and there are two sides etc etc

what fucking two sides i wanted to ask. my parents literally did nothing wrong. he was the hand that clutched at the donut and squished it.

eventually, she yelled at him and to serious disappointment hes coming over again.

a little interlude about my aunt: she complained to my mom afterwards (im surrounded by snitches) that i am not very respectful about my grandpa, that i am lazy and didnt help around the house often (i tidied and cleaned my room frequently, and if my mom ask me to do chores i would. theres an agreement that i should just concentrate on my studies and she will take care of the chores). i stay in my room all the time and didnt come out when my relatives came over. (listen, theres nothing for me. my cousins are ur typical boys that i cant talk to, they hog the xbox and scream about fifa all the time, im not exactly interested in the adults conversations).

my mom defended me, yall. even my aunt has to concede that im a decent person.

and my mom told me she didnt actually agree with the way shes raising my cousins. they were told to never question my aunt and uncle, and their orders are orders. my parents didnt agree, they believed in reason. for everything they tell us to do, there is a legit reason behind it, and we can question them. my mom want us to do well so that she can prove that shes right all along.

my brother recall asking the cousins why my relatives didnt allow them to do certain things and they just shrugged.

well, thats a bet i am willing to participate in.

back to my grandpa.

my parents reasoning is that as compared to taking revenge and stop contacting him, they rather treat him decently no matter what, knowing deep down they has always did their best.

due to the way healthcare works here, my dad shouldered most of the hospital bill and healthcare when his parents were in the hospital. because #asianvalues, they never did thank him or appreciate him.

either my parents or my aunt said they are scared that if we do anything too drastic like refusing him to come here, he will go senile and demented. as he is now he has a clear enough mind to remain a dickbag to my dad.

well, i wasnt exactly close to him, or as close as he deluded himself to think. i wasnt exactly patient with him, in the sense that i kinda have to raise my voice to communicate with him pretty often. heres the complicated relationship between languages: he speaks mostly teochew, and some chinese. we are expected to understand him when he speaks chinese to get across something, but somehow when i speak my perfectly accurate chinese back at him he understands nothing. he will smile stupidly at me, nodding as if he understood.

you fake old man. you understood nothing. i dont want to bother. i am mean for saying this. i hate your pretenses. quit acting like you understand.the conversations between us are fruitless and useless and has zero point. just now, you saying while im eating dinner that ‘you should give me 50 dollars. look at me, i have nothing. ahahahahaha’

i ignored him, as my cold shoulders got colder.

‘your mother did give me $120, i actually have money. what a good girl’

just, what the fuck is he on about. why are you even asking me for money when you have it. this is the exact type of inane pointless conversations you have. i dont even want to dignify that with a response.

he went to my sister, 3 meters away from me, and said the exact same thing.

my sister: [turning her pockets inside out] i have no money

him, repeating what he said , and adding on ‘you are a good girl, your sister is bad, she didnt want to give me money’

what the fuck. hes still talking to us like we are 5. he always treat us like were 5. once i facepalmed and he told me not to do that i will give myself brain damage. i proceed to whack my forehead 4 times, each whack resounding loud and clear.

god, i really dont want to interact with him. theres guilt niggling at me that i shouldnt treat him like this, pretending he doesnt exist as much as possible. then i remember what he did to my dad, and also kinda my mom, and something in me says ‘he doesnt deserve a relationship with his grandchildren for treating his own son like this’.

god, how do i get him to understand that i dont want anything to do with him? that i hate him? i stop calling him ‘grandpa’, only referring to him as that. i dont greet him when he come over anymore.

a few days? weeks? ago he said as he walked out of my room: ‘i still love you the most.’

thats the problem aint it? favouritism. and we all know you favour my brother the most, which i dont mind. i want you to stop doting on me, i want you to pretend i dont exist too. not in the way where you blatantly talk and criticise someone to somebody in front of the person you are criticising.

when is karma ever coming for you?

nothing but you mattered to you, you dipshit. you never cared about how others may feel. you always did things your own way, you treat people whatever the hell you want to.

i visited you in the hospital after the operation on your balls, you were so happy afterwards you gave me a $50. i still wish i hadnt visited, you disgusting person. i wish i can give you the $50 back, but i think, ill keep it. i will treat it as a woeful attempt to ‘reward’ me for my love and affections. i will keep the money knowing that your love is not returned. cruel of me, but so were you.

i dont think there will ever be a resolution. i wont cry at your funeral, i will try not to. i did for my grandma, but that was before i knew the truth.

my mom told me it is undeniable that my relatives all doted and loved me. i want to reject your love. i want the right to not be loved.

#peoplenal #welp that was McDepressing i want out #potential emotional abuse?#god i kinda teared up #im perfectly fine with people not reading this #its genuinely the longest thing ive ever written wtf it clocked at 3.6k words #lmao if i mentioned any of the bitcheatingcrackers things he do my friends be like your grandpa is weird #i had to take breaks to look a pictures of cats #sorry peanut you didnt deserve the tears

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marcomardon · 7 years

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heyy so i know that it wasnt your post but i was hoping could elaborate on the legends part of that post about negative points about dctv. english isnt my first language (and im a little lazy) but i really want to fully understand it. " yes, you can enjoy legends, but yes you should also acknowledge ....within five minutes (they don’t even mention Jax’s chronic pain anymore)."

yeah sure thing, hopefully i can expand on this well enough:

…it’s been incredibly antiblack,…

2x04, “abominations” was on all accounts, a white man’s attempt to show the viewers what racism was like, and pretend that it’s over now so we should feel… good? they put the two black mains (the only characters of colour as series regulars on the show) undercover by having a historically important black man killed so one of the mains could impersonate him while the other pretended to be a slave.

(i will give this episode 1 thing and it is jax saying “I get it might be difficult for you to understand this, but I’ve been black my entire life, Grey. And honestly, I can’t think of a time period we could go to where I wouldn’t face some sort of racism.”)

2x16, “doomworld” was specifically antiblack because of amaya’s death. this episode aired at a time when the flash was going through a season-long plot to save iris, and having two WOC mains dying to affect everyone else on their show is uh…. fridging. where female characters are often killed, maimed, or otherwise assaulted for male characters to feel anger, sadness, emotions at all, or to be motivated to go after the “villain” of the story. in this case, we have leonard freezing and shattering amaya, in the most literal sense dctv has ever gotten with the term “fridging” – all because the writers and producers wanted us to be able to feel how mick and leonard’s partnership was unable to be fixed. they wanted “real consequences” for that episode and the way to do it is … kill the black woman. i guess. after she spent most of the episode brainwashed by damien darhk and had to be ‘saved’ from her brainwashing from sara and nate.

one might argue that almost everyone died in the doomworld universe, but amaya was the only one to die in the actual episode “doomworld” and her death was about her being mick’s friend. compare it to ray’s death – he had his heart ripped out by eobard because ray is too trusting. it fits him. he has a big heart. we even saw it. he got a death 100% about him. amaya did not.

…aired an episode chock full of anti-Asian specific racism,…

2x03, “shogun”, was uh… i’m not sure how to describe this one so i’m mostly sourcing from other people here, but this review by a japanese viewer is the best way to explain, here’s her summary:

In grotesquely stereotypical White Saviour fashion, Nate has a fling with Masako Yamashiro who is engaged to marry the shogun Tokugawa Iemitsu.

Ray’s suit is stolen and he does a nonsensical stereotypical “sensei” montage trying to push Nate to embrace and understand his new metahuman abilities.

The team arrives later on to help them fight the shogun and his samurai, all while making tacky quips about ninjas because the mispronounced Japanese by supposedly Japanese characters just wasn’t enough to fill up the offensive quota.

Ray and Nate have to make the sacrifice of destroying Ray’s suit to defeat the shogun and of course Nate undermines Masako’s opportunity to be the hero because it’s a White Saviour trope episode, after all.

and as ari said best, “the writers watched three whole episodes of naruto before writing this episode”

honestly the singular good thing about this episode was that they hired an asian director, kevin tancharoen, aka the love of my life, but there’s only so much he can do with a shitty script. at least the episode looked visually amazing.

(let me know if you need more on this point since i’m pasting from other people here)

…erased a Jewish man’s identity,…

i’m not 100% sure if bette means martin stein or ray palmer so let’s talk about both.

martin stein, in his 8 appearances in the flash before moving over to legends of tomorrow, mentioned his faith in at least half of those. he has now been in 33 legends of tomorrow episodes + flash again for the “invasion!” crossover + kinda “duet” and hasn’t mentioned it once. he participated in a christmas dinner with the team, we’ve seen his wife clarissa in various forms, and now lily and still no mention. i’d have to look closer at the set of his office on the waverider for anything in the background, but i doubt there’s anything. the closest we’ve seen is mick congratulating him on now having a daughter with “mazel tov” in 2x10.

ray is a little trickier and i had lenny rewrite my explanation here but dctv is all about showing characters like felicity, martin, and rory, with big references to holidays, their menorahs, the torah, and less about showing smaller references like dropping yiddish into a conversation or their quirks about keeping kosher. since we don’t have any of them (except snapper carr on supergirl) with these small references, we just see generic characters, who everyone assumes to be agnostic. the few pieces of evidence i think we have for ray being jewish are donna smoak’s excitement over he and felicity dating, and that he and martin are the most educated people on the waverider, with how judaism places a strong value on education. so when ray plans a christmas dinner, it’s not earned as an ironically jewish act, it’s just white guy.

….and fixed someone’s disability within five minutes…

nate heywood’s backstory was that his parents more or less had him in a bubble, because they were afraid his hemophilia would cause him to die. hemophilia is a disorder that interrupts the body’s ability to clot blood, which is how people normally stop bleeding from even small cuts or bruises. if you have hemophilia, if you start bleeding inside your body, then you are in serious danger.

basically, it was the writers’ attempt to give a character an excuse for not having had as exciting of a life as the rest of the characters have had, and a reason why developing steel powers to protect his skin would be personally relevant to him.

what would have been more interesting is if he kept the hemophilia and gained the steel powers anyway, as a first and more solid line of defense than his skin was, preventing him from bleeding at all. if i was in his situation with hemophilia and suddenly gained steel powers i literally would not turn them off for fear of … sara with knives, probably, and any small accident near her meaning not being able to stop bleeding. but you know, ray’s super serum cured his hemophilia, since there is no current real world cure for it at all. this is not the first time we’ve seen miracle cures on dctv though, with… felicity. malcolm. leonard. hartley. charles mcnider. probably more.

…(they don’t even mention Jax’s chronic pain anymore).

the last time we heard about jax’s chronic pain, his torn anterior cruciate ligament (ACL), was 1x05 when he had to run across the prison yard. he was limping after he got there, and limping when he got back on the ship. we’ve seen jax run a few times with no negative results, implying gideon fixed jax’s pain, i guess, yet another miracle cure.

people with things like deafness (like me!), or blindness, or chronic pain, or hemophilia, or missing limbs, or partial paralysis very very rarely have positive representation on screen, and here dctv is, curing everyone. especially for ailments and disabilities that don’t have cures, or are even part of people’s identities. we’re seeing characters go through a healing process that we will never have (or don’t want), and the writers just keep writing more “miracle cure” situations. “how tragic, look, we fixed their problems perfectly” for nate’s hemophilia or leonard’s missing hand or “look at this assistive technology that makes their lives 100% perfectly back to normal” for malcolm’s hand, felicity’s spine, charles’s vision, and hartley’s tinnitus, and not often showing the struggles even with the technology.it’s the disability equivalent of the white hero complex.

if anyone wants to add anything or correct me please do since i am not black, asian, or jewish, nor do i specifically have hemophilia or chronic pain.

#spent 3 hours on this lol #i've written essays shorter than this #ask to tag /#anti legends of tomorrow #anti dctv #anti lot #antiblack racism #racism #anti asian racism #antisemitism #ableism #deaf tag #audism #long post #meghan has opinions #Anonymous #asks

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missjackil · 7 years

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Let’s Talk About This....

One of the things I loved most about Season 12, was the drama between Mary and the boys. I know many of you found it annoying, but I was highly impressed. It wasn’t written as “Oh look Mom is back, lets be nice little family” or “Oh crap mom is back and she’s a zombie!” No, instead, there was a very realistic story around it, and the writers didn’t pick an easy one. Nothing about the story, really went the way I thought it would, and I am so glad that as much as I watch this show, the writers can still surprise me. Now, Im not all about Mary hate, and I dont hate Sam Smith as an actor, but IMO she isnt nearly as good an actor as J2 are so scenes with her came off a little lobsided, but all that aside, I think the story arch was believable and well written. Continue below the cut

My first thought was that if they didn’t make her a monster or evil, that she would be the third wheel (yuck) and favor Dean over Sam because they already established a relationship and Sam was just a baby when she died. I figured the story would develop that Sam felt left out, and early on, it almost looked like they were going that route. In The Foundry, we saw Mary and Dean sharing similarities, with the bacon and beef jerky, and putting Sam in the back seat (which hurt my soul) and cranking the radio when he wanted it turned down. A little later in the episode, Mary stands between them, when theyre posing as FEDs, and of course to me, this made me clench my teeth. “Do NOT come between my bros!!!!” I’m not alone in that thought am I? Then much to my surprise, at the end, she wants to leave them! And really, for an understandable reason. This is something that could very likely happen in real life, if an estranged mother unexpectedly meets her adult children. Sure she may love them, but it could be very hard to wrap her head around that these men are the little children she remembers. Now, from this point on, she seems more drawn to Sam. Not that she doesn’t love Dean, but maybe in part due to his understanding that she needs space, and maybe in part out of sheer curiosity of a son she really doesn’t know at all. They had never even had a conversation (to her recollection) before this point. She has no idea what kind of personality he has, and also knows that nothing about him, has anything to do with how she raised him. She has never spent a birthday or Thanksgiving or Christmas with him. He is a complete stranger, and yet, he’s very warm and understanding. And let’s not forget that she knows exactly why his life is a nightmare, and it’s from her own doing, and yet, he’s never even brought it up. Now, I know many of you believe Sam doesn’t know she made a demon deal that caused Azazel to visit and start the firey chain reaction of his life, but I have always believed he does, and It SEEMS like thats the way the show is playing it, since it’s never come out that Sam DOESNT know, and there have been more than enough places that it should have been mentioned. Like when Mary told Dean she didnt know how to face Sam or what to say, because she started everything. or “Im scared, what if he (Sam) cant forgive me?” Dean didn’t say “Well Sam doesn’t know” he just didn’t say anything. However, they did leave it open ended, not confirming that he knows, so it still could go that way. It would just seem weird that it’s never been said that he doesnt know, making everyone anticipate that revelation. For argument’s sake right now, lets say Sam doesn’t know. I’ll ask, if we should think he wouldn’t forgive her quickly? I can’t picture him lashing out, unless he found out right after something traumatic had happened. Not everyday trauma, but big, like getting possessed by Lucifer again, or somehow his powers just killed or nearly killed Dean. During S12 nothing really happened that would have opened that scar to a fresh wound. In the past few seasons, Sam has been strong and more confident in himself, and much more accepting of his life, so if he were to find out now, he’d just be shocked and hurt for a little bit, and be forgiving soon after. My next surprise came while watching Sam and Dean reacting to their mother betraying them, The brothers have been betrayed by nearly everyone they know at some point, or hurt in some way, but this is their mother. Their reactions are a lot different than if it had been an enemy, a friend, or even each other. They had to be hurt and disappointed in someone they weren’t gonna kill or hit. Even when they have hurt each other, they could yell and scream and beat the crap out of each other, but this is MOM! The gifs above represent, such a wonderful acting scene for J2. We have seen them fight with their Dad in s1, and we wouldnt have been surprised if punches got thrown, so the anger was a lot louder and potentially physical. Here though, they’re holding back. Both brothers express broken hearts so clearly in their facial expressions. They havent had a time before this, that they have been hurt so deeply by a woman they both love. They’re both holding back tears so hard it shattered my heart for them both. However, they didn’t cowar and hang their heads in shame while she tried to justify her actions, that she is “Not JUST a Mother” when she hadnt even tried to be a Mom to them yet. But my boys made damn sure she knew you don’t f*ck with them and walk away scott free. Maybe you’re in a safe zone where they wont punch you physically, but they’ll make you wish they did. Dean rabid punched her in her heart with his words. He was glad she got to be haunted by Wally dying during the lake house hunt, that she felt guilty telling his wife. He made sure she knew everything he and Sam were feeling, and took away her place as their mother by calling her Mary. When she was metaphorically bleeding on the ground, Sam drew the kill shot. He doesn’t argue with her, he doesn’t cut her down, thats been done, he just delivers the last thing that anyone who loves Sam Winchester in the slightest, ever wants to hear... “You should go”. What she had before all this, her sons and somewhere she could call home, Sam and Dean took them both away from her, because she squandered them. I was speechless. Now, if there was ever any wonder, who could get away with what when dealing with these brothers, it got answered. If you’re on the good side of Sam and Dean, you have the best protection and friends you could ask for, but nobody is safe if they cross them. And sure, they take abuse by people/monsters all the time and dust it off, but they have their limits, even with blood family. Look at these gifs and see their faces. These men have both lived through decades of Hell. Lost eachother several times. Been tortured, beaten, shot, stabbed, and tormented by the most evil creatures ever created, but this woman, their own Mother, inflicted more pain than any of them. Both Jared and Jensen deserve Emmys for conveying that so clearly. Now, the guys undoubtedly fester with this for a while, but in typical Sam and Dean fashion, they cant just walk away. Sam ventures back first, but Dean isnt far behind when he hears Mom might be in danger. They dont talk about it anymore till the end. Dean is pretty open about his feelings, though he will tell you he isn’t. Sam is the oposite, he thinks he’s open and he really isnt. When Dean gets into Mary’s head in 12x22, he lays it all out to her, he tells her what she doesn’t know about him, and how her actions ruined, not only his, but Sam’s life as well. Why did he speak for Sam? Because Sam wont. Not because Sam is weak, but because Sam doesn’t want attention drawn to his issues. He’s an “other people have got it worse” kind of guy. When Dean tells Mary that he hates her, and that he loves her, and forgives her, you know, he really forgave her. She had to know she is truly loved and forgiven. Then she worries about Sam, and maybe he can’t forgive her. With the same style, with so few words, that knocked her out not long ago, he gives only a few words to pick her back up. “You dont have to be scared of me” (ugggh my heart!) If you didn’t like this story arch, I ask that you just watch it again and see how much time and effort were spent on Sam and Dean’s reactions to everything, and maybe give a new appreciation to how well it was written, and even better acted.

#supernatural #sam dean and mary #sam winchester #dean winchester #mary winchester #my meta

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