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anxiety attacks about having an anxiety attack.

#anxiety on high #always something #stressed #depressed #well dressed

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I got lost in her eyes, and I hope I never find myself because honestly being lost never felt so right.

Miguel Sousa (via difficult)

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My open letter to Niykee Heaton, my body’s savior.

Dear Niykee, I don’t know if you will ever get to see this. I hope some how, some way this post finds its way to you. I want to start by saying thank you for many reasons, one of which is that you empower so many women each day. Almost a year ago, I broke five vertebrae in my spine and basically stayed in bed for three months straight which in turn made me gain weight like crazy. Once I started getting up, I was very self conscious about the weight I had put on. All my life I had been that skinny girl without even trying. I weighed 115 all through out high school and I’m 5'8" so that just shows how tiny I was.

So once I had put on all the weight (30 pounds to be exact) after my injury, I was distraught. I wanted nothing more than to go back to being stick thin. After all, society has told me that’s what beauty is. But then I found you. You. A woman who isn’t stick thin but yet still absolutely beautiful, inside and out. You showed me that society doesn’t get to tell us who or what size is beautiful. Niykee, you showed me that I don’t have to be a size 0 to love my body. And honestly, now I have no interest in being the size that I was. I now weight 135 and have never been happier with my body. I occasionally eat the shit outta Taco Bell and whatever else I want that makes me happy. Before, I would work out in order to keep my tiny waist and thigh gap, but now I work out to make my body stronger. I owe it all to you, Niyk. You helped save my body. You taught me how to love my body no matter what size it is.

After my weight gain, I went on a few week long streak of not eating and I dropped weight fast. I don't really want to point fingers, but it wasn't society that really pushed me to this point but more my family. At Christmas this past year my step dads family (who is all fat, I might add) continually pointed out the excess amount of weight I had put on. They would grab my arms, which was one of the places you could really tell I had put weight on at. It wasn't bad, but still noticeable. Having family pick you apart when you're most vulnerable has got to be the worst thing possible. It was soon after, that the way I saw my body wasn't the way it really was. I saw myself as disgusting and fat. I thought I if I didn't do something about it I would be miserable and made fun of for the rest of my life. So I quit eating. For weeks. Which quickly turned into months. But then one day, I was sitting in my room listening to infinity (which happens to be one of my favorite songs) and it hit me like a train that what I was doing was killing my body. That’s when I realized I’d fuck with NBK for eternity. I pulled myself together that day. Ever since then, I say a little thank you to you even though it’s not really to you. I now look at my body in the mirror and I smile at the beautiful body I see. Because of you, Niykee, I snapped out of my morphed idea of beauty and decided I needed to love all of myself and my body..

I will admit, I’m not always strong. Some days I still get the distorted image of how my body used to be and I’ll miss that. I still have days where I don’t eat. I still have times when I see stick thin girls and wish that was my body. I have days where I pick myself apart because of my flaws but I’m slowly getting stronger, and I owe a lot of my strength to you, Niykee. For being an empowering woman. For standing up for what you believe by staying true to you and writing your own music, which doesn’t happen often in the music industry anymore. And most of all for showing society it’s okay to love yourself and body, at every size.

I wish I could thank you in person for all you’ve done without even knowing it. I pray that one day I get to thank you. You and your music helped me get through some of the toughest few months of my life. I listen to your songs on a daily basis and seeing you grow as an artist has inspired me. It’s strange to look up to you, because we’re both the same age (I’m actually a few months older lol), but you’ve helped me through so much. I hope one day this letter gets to you so in some way I get to truly thank you.

Not only did you save my body, you have inspire me to go and chase my dreams and not to change for a damn person. In a few months, I will be taking on the biggest challenge of my life by moving away from my family and going to LA, a city that consumes and eats most people alive. But it’s partly because of you that I’m going to take the risk of leaving the small, comfortable town in the Bible Belt of Missouri that I’ve known most of my life to go see what this big city has to offer me.

Honestly, I have no idea where this letter is even going at this point. I guess I just don’t know how to get the point across that you changed my life, Niykee. For the better. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your life with the world. For writing music that is truth. For being truth. You don’t fuck around and that’s one of the main reasons I love you.

I’m rambling now so it’s probably time to wrap this letter up. Thank you for everything, Niykee. I don’t know how I would be right now, mentally or physically, if you didn’t exist. So here’s to you. For being my body, mind and souls’ saving grace.

I belong to NBK. For infinity.

Yours always, Shanell 💙

P.S. 3 months ago I posted a #DoItLikeNiykee on here and this is my updated one featuring my “SHE BELONGS TO NBK” shirt. Representing til the death of me. Next step, NBK tattoo.

#NBK #Niykee Heaton #naturylbornkillers #do it like niykee #nbk9-5 #body appreciation #body acceptance #body and soul #advice #open letter #pass it on #love your body #body positive #love yourself #in love with my body #niykee is bae #for Niykee #here's to Niykee #here's to me #body love #positivity #mind body and soul #soul love #music love #music saved me #Niykee saved me

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Jeanne Damas for W Magazine.

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At my wedding

priest: and now for ur vows

me: all my life you stood by me when nobody else was ever behind me all these lights they can’t blind me with your love nobody can drag me down

everyone there: aw :’)

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Person: Do you like One Direction?

Me: Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down

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OUTFIT SERIES

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"Watching Harry spit water and touch his hair makes me want to be a better person"

Rob Sheffield, Rolling Stone Magazine

#Harry Styles #one direction #rolling stone magazine #must read #favorite magazine

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If I didn’t have you, there would be nothing left. The shell of a man who could never be his best.

If I didn’t have you, I’d never see the sun. You taught me how to be someone.

All my life, I stood by you when nobody else was ever behind you. All these lights, can’t blind you..

With our love, nobody can drag you down, Louis. ❤️

We will stand by you. Support you until the end.

#baby gate #louis tomlinson #briana jungwirth

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Go away with me

#nbk #travel #vacation #runaway #see ya #get lost #drive #road trip #let's take a trip #find ourselves

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About 10 months ago, I broke 5 vertebrae in my spine. I was practically in bed 24/7 for about 3 months (except when I’d have to eat or go to the bathroom). In turn, I gained 30 pounds and became super depressed about all the weight I had put on in those few months. I had always been super thin through high school and society told me that’s what made me beautiful then. But now I weigh 140 and I’ve literally never felt better about my body, thanks to Niykee Heaton. During the time is broken my back, I found Niykee’s soundcloud and fell in love with her music. Then I followed her twitter, Instagram and snapchat and I fell in love with the person she is. Id like to thank niykeeheaton for teaching me that accepting and loving my own body. For showing me that beauty isn’t defined by how skinny you are or how much you weigh beauty is defined by loving yourself and your body, no matter what the number is on a scale. Here’s my #DoItLikeNiykee picture. I owe so much to you, Niykee. I hope you know, you saved me by showing me that accepting my body and loving it the way it is, is okay even if society thinks I’m “fat”. Without Niykee, I would have dropped those 20 pounds, and plus some via eating disorders. Here’s to changing society. Naturyl Born Killers. N B K.

#nbk #naturylbornkillers #do it like niykee #niykee heaton #niykee is bae #do it yourself #love your body #love yourself #body positive #body acceptance #body appreciation #body and soul #thank you #thankful