Iām back in me lil depression hole. I know, exciting, but itās been different from a lot of the other times. I donāt want to unalive myself. I just want to stop. If you get what I mean. Just stop. I want to lay down and just stay down. I obviously canāt, I have responsibilities but it would just be so nice to stop.
Everything at the moment is hard to do. Something that usually would take like 5% energy, is now taking 50% energy to do. I hate my room being a mess, but I let it get a mess. When I actually got to cleaning it, it took me about 30 mins which I would just get up and do, but It took me a week to do so. Just cleaning it was horrible, I left it that long that I didnāt realise that my cat had peed on my clean clothes that I didnāt put away so it meant that I had to re wash them as well.
Iāve been bad with keeping in touch with friends too, I feel like Iāve just given up somewhere and I canāt pinpoint when. They havenāt even done anything bad, I just donāt think I can talk to them when I am feeling like this. The only person I can actively talk to about it is my boyfriend but I feel bad to put it all on him. Iāve been really mean to him as well, I feel so guilty. Iāve been snappy and moody with him. Itās not his fault, I really donāt know how to make up up with him.
I moaned at him today. Like every other couple, we have a playlist together and put playlist was like 66 hours long, but the majority of the songs are his songs so like none of the songs Iāve put in the playlist rarely come on so weāre always listening to his songs. I donāt even hate his songs, i just feel really washed out. One of my commitment fears is loosing myself to the person I love (forgetting what I like and who I am) so I push what I like really strongly and I donāt know I just felt so over powered in the playlist. Plus whenever a song I like does come on, I jest never feel like itās appreciated or properly listened to. I donāt expect him to like everything I like, but idk just actively listen to it and ask me why I like it would be nice. I do it for him, even with artist I donāt really care about, I just like to know what his interested in. At this point of me moaning about it, he removed songs from the playlist. Idk what Iām wanted him to do about it but that was his reposes. I made him feel uncomfortable with sharing his music with me. I never intended that, I just want him to reassure me that I could do the same, in retaliation, I removed like a majority of my songs out the playlist.
Itās just made me feel horrible and evil. Typing it pout has made me understand myself some more so I think Iālol just write it out to him to explain myself. Its just really hard for me to do right there and then. I do take my bad feelings out on him though.
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Sorry ive not updated in a while, everything has been crazy.
Caught my dad cheating loooool not even the first time, itās the THIRD time. Nothings been done from it though, my mum is terrified to be alone I guess but sheās over it. I donāt know itās a bit complicated ( but confession time - he doesnāt know that I can get into his instagram account so I have been stalking. ) I know I shouldnāt and itās probably more upsetting for me than it is for him but I feel like a hacker. Itās just a little funny. If you donāt laugh, youāll cry.
Feeling more organised now which is nice because I never have been that type of person but it feels like Iām practicing self discipline. My room is a mess but I will clean it when I get ready tomorrow. See, already planning! Physically writing a schedule helps me keep on track, with everything. What wouldāve though that writing things on a calendar would work and allow me to plan ahead.
It was my birthday on October and I had fun on it too. Iāve started my own tradition of buying a small film pack for my instamini camera. (Very tumblr 2014) but itās not cringe when you donāt have a man tell you so. Just also had a birthday meal at a Japanese restaurant for my friend which was delicious. I had spicy udon noodles with battered prawns which was the same thing I ordered the first time I ate there but it wasnāt this amazing. They only just opened back then but it was nice enough to go back and I think the chef is settling in now because the food was better this time. Itās been so cold lately so to have a big bowl of spicy udon noodles was the perfect remedy to warm you up.
Iām cold right now though, I miss my man so much right now. In a double bed by myself is the worse when it comes to this season, itās got me praying for the weekend so I can get warm in bed with him after spending the whole weekend without him.
Remember when we had that argument about the film, Old boy? Well I watched The Handmaiden which is directed by the same guy?! (Park chan Wook.) And itās completely changed my perspective. This film was amazing, I recommend it. If you uncomfortable with sex scenes, maybe donāt watch it but it was truly beautiful. It just solidified my point of the deep perversion then men obsess over. The uncle to me seems like the character which would reflect the directory the most because the uncleās āartā is just perverted which is the same as the director because plays with that perversion for the shock value to create that burning suspension door the audience. Itās for that sickening thrill you seek from slasher films but it takes it to a personal level because everyone had there kinks and fetishes and he 100% makes sure youāre uncomfortable with watching but if youāre not uncomfortable, itās then reflects on your own perversions. It just like clicked. In old boy I was just disgusted because it was incest and thatās a fetish I canāt justify but lesbians? Allowed. Me being bi, it feels more seen, feel more heard which allows me to connect with the characters and thereās nothing wrong with lesbians, what is wrong is that men sexualise it for themselves because they have to have EVERYTHING. Itās was good to see a man get nothing at the end of film, it really makes a change.
Iām surreal that Iālol have some more things to talk about soon, Iāve just not prosessed it all yet.
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This week has been rough.
Itās just been filled with sleepless nights and petty little arguments. Sleep ping has been rough because of my dogs and love them all so bloody much, but working nights means I have to sleep in the day and they are such little shits. They will bark at a fly farting, like there is nothing we can do to stop them. It just means that Iāve had really broken sleep. Itās exhausting not going to lie.
Having to go to work, only having broken sleep is the worse because then Iām breaking my back with no energy. Work is just stressful and gross anyways. I really hate it when Iām tired. If Iāve had a good sleep, then itās a good shift but if not, it just sucks. Just to really top it off, whilst at work, running on no sleep, I had a massive argument with my sister.
Itās was about her being homophobic. She had this vulgar conversation with some guy and she said that the worse thing about the whole argument was the fact that she was āhumiliatedā that he assumed that she was bisexualā¦.what!? Not the fact that he sexually harassed her but the fact that he assumed that she was bisexual?? How does that even add up to even be an insult. So when I questioned her on that, she got super defensive about it but didnāt even want to correct herself in it. Like itās not an insult to be assumed to be bisexual at all because thereās nothing wrong with actually being bisexual, I donāt understand why it upset her so much the the point that she felt humiliated by it????
I asked her about it but then she got rude, and since she got rude, I had to get rude back. Bare in mind, I was tired and busy at work while she was arguing with me because she felt humiliated by it. My other sisters got involved being the same as me but they have more patience then me so they were able to break it down for her, even though she stuck to her previous statement that she was humiliated with being assumed that she was bi. Itās just homophobic really isnāt it.
The day after, I had to stay awake ( an all nighter) because I had plans and had too catch the train, and even the the argument had cooled down, me and Kay still werenāt having it. She explicitly said that she apologised to my two other sisters but not me because ā I was rudeā brooooo she was homophobic so I agreed that neither of us were going to apologised to each other because if I did, it would be a lie. Iām not sorry in the slightest. I said what I said and I stand by that.
My weekend was good none the less, I was with my stinky and his so sweet I literally love him so much his made me feel so much better with everything going around me. I was snappy and mardy for most of the weekend but his just that perfect that he understands why and was just calm and patient with me. Itās all I really needed to be honest.
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Uhhh ohhh is that pms timeeee
I know Iām about to come on, Iāve got pains and Iāve just been in a miserable mood all day but now, Iāve developed a quick temper.
Everyone has been getting on my nerves all day, I want to rage. Iām literally just being mad at people being themselves and I have no idea why itās triggering me so much. Iām just so irritated I want to pull my hair out. Just everything is rubbing me up the wrong way. Itās 3am I can hear my mum going on and on and on and on about the same thing and itās just so respective and I seriously cannot be arsed to here it. Sheās only talking about work but at 3am?!? Maybe you should go to bed if you have work and then I havenāt got to hear your 3 hour long trial of how you do your job. Just a suggestion but I know thatās rude but ahhhihishhbuhw shut uuuuupp u, youāre literally giving me headache.
My sister is annoying me as well, I takes her literally forever to do something, she asked my other sister to dye her hair and of course where she goes, I go, so we go round and we chill and chat for a little bit expecting to dye her hair in a bit. She doesnāt do it till z2am!?!?!? 2AM, idk if she was aware or not, but GIRL get a grip and then I gotta hear my mum gibe me a tutorial ?!?! I just feel like people are taking the piss a little bit and up just not getting IT. She promise to give number 4 a ps4 with tv and sheās going it even sorted it out and then when I brought it up she says we havenāt texted her telling her weāre coming to get it. We literally pop round all the time why canāt she just actually get everything together and organised so when we do pop round , we can just grab it and go? Quick and easy but no.
Why does everyone live in hard mode on purpose. If there was an ounce of common sense, life wouldnāt be so difficult I swear to God. I feel like Iām on survival mode with these people.
My dads been mardy and his been throwing his shit around too. Canāt clean up after himself, the other day he made him and mum dinner and left sauce packets literally everywhere, like itās not hard to put it in the bin so then I had to clean it up, and then the sides cus he left that in a mess. Took my 3 minutes. My noodles were done at that point like please get a grip.
When I move our, I hope stinky knows how annoying I am when it comes to functioning because I take it seriously because thereās no reason why capable adults should be leaving such a mess. Itās a reasonable responsibility we have to take and Iām I wonāt be shy telling him that he needs to pick up his shit. I refuse to live in a shit hole. Lived in one my whole life, and Iām sure as hell not living in a shit hole in my own home.
Iām just pissy, I had to rant or else Iāll just cry
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Little life update;
Not much has happened the past couple of weeks, the sun mustāve given everyone a bit of vitamin D so everyone is less depressed. It has started raining again which is a slay but I am going to miss the sun. Iām dreading the autumn/winter seasons coming up. Itās just dark all the time and if youāre into that, good for you but I work nights and itās all I see for 4 months straight. It just gets draining after a bit thatās all. I also hate Christmas, starting to realise that Iām a miserable bastard but I hate Christmas. I donāt even like roast dinners so there not much to look forward too.
My pets have fleas which is annoying too. Weāve tried everything to get rid of them, I think itās probably time to get them to the vets and do it hat way because it is just exhausting.
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Little life update, Iām not going college anymore but I am starting to save up to move out with stinky. Itās scary and exciting. Itās something that going to take a bit of time to work towards. I need to pass my driving test first but Iām saving money as I go along. We told my mum last night that weāll be moving out in the next 2 years. Surprisingly, she took it well.
Whenever I mention moving out in the past sheās always puts me down and convinces me that Iām not going to be able to commit to leaving. I think sheās realised now that itās not her choice anymore and that I will figure it out. I will alway figure it out, itās who I am. Even if it takes time, I will always find a way around it. Iām a lucid and flexible person and being broke doesnāt scare me. Iāve been broke the entirety of my life and quite frankly, Iāll prefer to be broke with stinky than be broke with my mum.
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I wish the porn bots that follow me actually cared about my posts :(
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Itās been a few weeks, but hello.
This week has been filled with uninterrupted breakdowns. Mainly existential dread. Feeling very trapped in my living situation and with work. Everything has been leading to a dead end. To break out of this feeling, I decided to apply to college again to do an access course in social science because I think that counselling could be a passion of mine. Iāve been counselling myself my entire life so why not pass on ,y skills for people in need for that support.
However, the college still hasnāt got back in touch with me so I donāt think Iām gonna go to college. This means I got to go back to plan a again of getting out of my current house and move out with stinky. Which could take up to 2 years to save up so we can afford a decent place at least.
Everything is so expensive at the moment, Iām just lucky that stinky is on a decent wage. Iām not but I can afford to save up. Got to stop spending it on stupid things. Iāve made an investment this week on an iPad from CEX and Iām already in love with it. I donāt have a t.v in my room so a tablet is just the right for me right now.
Feeling pretty guilty about leaving my sister behind though. I would move out with her in a heart beat, we just donāt earn enough between us to figure it out. Besides Iām not looking to live in Lichfield for the rest of my life. I hate that tiny city, itās so hard to live there. Everyone knows everyone so everyone is just in your business all the time. Youāre not allowed to have secrets in Lichfield. Not that I have secrets, but if I did it wouldnāt be a secret anymore because everyone will eventually know about it. I swear itās the only city in England which is stuck in the 1950ās.
I donāt really know what to do in the meantime other than to just get on with in.
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My annual leave ends this Saturday. Iāve had a good 17 days off. I managed to scam a couple of extra days, with simply how my shifts fell. I booked annual leave for my boyfriends birthday, to make sure I was there for it.
Basically, I gave him his first ever experience of a birth-week, just wanted to make sure it was all about him for a week. On his actual birthday, we spent it with his parents and brother just having a few drinks.
2nd day, Me, him and his brother went to see barbie. Iāve already watched it (ofc) and they loved it (ofc!)
I cried again. Barbie is going to become a comfort movie for me. Feeling really grown lately. Just really telling my age. Iām 22 but I feel like Iām not as young as I was when I was 19. Like I feel fully formed but now I have no idea what Iām meant to do with the rest of my life.
I did cry in the car. Started to have an existential crisis on the way home. I feel so far behind everyone, but like I feel like Iāve only just grew up. How do people even know how they like something? Everything changes. Nothing stays the same? Why plan your whole life out, when things will change?? You will change? Everything youāve prepared for will inevitably change at some point and you start off at square 1. Do you do it all over again?
Sorry barbie makes me think.
Thinking that has completely overwhelmed me.
Saturday, he went to work and a had a day too myself. Thank god, because that Saturday was a trauma anniversary, so I was miserable. I did take a walk to the shops which helped me clear my head, did also cry on the walk to the shops too.
Sunday, he played at a punk festival with the band that his in ( they all slayyed ) but the headliners were buzzcocks. They were amazing, even if it is a glorified tribute band, I really enjoyed seeing them.
Monday, we took a walk round Bradgate park, which lady Jane grey lived. I really enjoyed the fact that it was me and stinky, just chatting shit and enjoying the sun. I love him so much. I did have to go home though on Monday.
I hate going home. Ofc because of my mum and dad. But itās so boring here, the only good thing is that I get to see my sisters and pets.
I feel like Iāve just developed over a few months and Iāve just became super independent. When Iām home, that gets stripped away from be, but somehow expected not need anything.
One thing Iāve always struggled with, is restlessness. Iām a restless person, if Iām stuck in the same place for a little too long, I go feral. For example, on a bad day and hit myself and others around me. (I think this is me needing physical stimulation) Iām not always violent when restless, but I get agitated. You know that feeling when youāre that angry, and you get the urge to bite. Like that ache in your jaw that you get when youāre angry. I feel that when Iām restless. Itās just best for me to take a walk instead of biting everyone.
Being at home makes me constantly want to bite, hit and scream all the time. But I canāt, thatās what mentally unstable people do. Me, Iām a good girl, I go on a walk. It comes to my first day back at home and Iām restless. Itās time for a walk.
I go on my walk, and just burning that energy is making me feel so much more better. BUT NO. IM NEVER ALLOWED ANY PEACE EVER.
My mum calls meā¦moaning
Because I left the house for a few minutes. I was so angry. I literally canāt do anything. Whatever I do is wrong. Always the wrong choice.
Exhausted of trying to better myself when Iām at home. Iām starting to believe that my mum wants me struggle. Sheās just coming in between me and myself. Only solution is to live a 2nd life
Itās been like that all week so far, anything I do is some how an inconvenience to my mum and dad. I would say itās starting to annoy me but it started as soon as a came home. Itās been jarring since I came home.
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Not written in a while but itās probably because Iām not miserable for once.
Things at home are always difficult, but Iāve just came to the fact that Iām just going to do everything myself.
Work is work, Iām not that bothered by it at the moment. Just glad that Iām on annual leave.
I miss my friends, but I really enjoy my own company. Iām just relaxing and I will see them soon.
Gone a bit obsessed with spiders so enjoy a tiny spider that was sat next to me on the train and me and stinkyās replica of a jumping spider in spoons :)
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Adult website and period tracker
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Hi barbie!
Itās been a while since Iāve written. Not sure if itās been a week or two but Iām here now.
I watched barbie. I love barbie! I love the film, Greta Gerwig is a genius and now I would love to watch her other films too.
Barbie has given a lot more confidence, to know that Iām not alone in femininity. Pink is my favourite colour too, but Iāve not worn pink in ages. In my teens I wore so much pink so I just assumed that I grew out of it? Wearing pink to watch barbie was so liberating and it really hugged my inner child.
Itās re-inspired my femininity. I never lost it but itās something Iāve had to ignore it to survive. Living right now is tough and some people that I work with reject femininity so Iāve just had to adapt so I can do my job and then come home.
Donāt like shoving my femininity aside, but it makes people uncomfortable.
Iām used to it.
I wasnāt allowed to like pink as a child. My dad said it was too girly and as a kid, you do what youāre told.it was the same as playing with barbieās and dolls and literally anything that was deemed as girly. Then growing up, my rebellion was pink. It was such a statement again my dad but I got tired of fighting him.
Attending to the cinema, wearing pink was just perfect!
It felt a bit cosplayer, but I wasnāt really me watching it. It was the girl that was told that she wasnāt allowed to wear pink. Annnnd she loved it!
I know a lot of people really connected with the mother/daughter relationship that was presented through out the film, however it just highlighted the internalised misogyny that I was forced to grow up with. Although the film never had an explicit father/daughter message, I interpreted it that way because of the divide between the barbies and the Kenās.
Since it was always an internal battle between whether I want to be me (barbie) or him (Ken). In reality, it was always a battle between him and himself. (Ken vs Ken)
Fathers.
Maybe I felt represented by the daughter in the film because she was rejecting femininity at first but in a way where sheās still being a feminist.
That was me in high school, all I learnt that being feminine was just for men because everything is made for them.
I was very brutal and very hostile toward femininity, when all I actually wanted to do was embrace it.
Barbie was meant to make you feel represented.
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Hiyaa!
Weekly summery; Iām off my period now so I no longer want to hurt myself and others which is a win. Finally back in neutral mode. Itās an exhausting cycle that happens every month. Sometime I wish I wasnāt regular so I could have a break for a month but I know itās actually worse so I just got to make the best of what Mother Nature gives me.
I spent the weekend at my significant others again, his parents was on holiday this weekend. Now you might think we would have the house to ourselves but nope - his younger brother was with us. Never normally a problem because I get along with him but like we just had to do everything TOGETHER and it was just exhausting. I like my own time as it is, but at least I can be myself around stinky but itās just difficult when you have his brother there.
We watch a k-film together. Weāre all into cinema, and want to watch more foreign films. Iām into a lot of k-pop culture so I was more than excited to watch this film with them. Iāve not watched many films, but itās really good to get involved in the subject. Having transferable skills from English literature/language, and applying that to films and art is really fun for me.
We watched Old boy.
I had no idea what to expect, I like going into things completely unknowing whatās going to happen. I take my judgement from the film title and film poster and I made the judgement of a mobster gangster film. And although thatās what the film was like, I was disgusted at the use of (trigger warning) incest in the film. Like any normal person. Incest is disgusting and gross and makes me uncomfortable. I understand why the film used that but it was just sickening to watch. I didnāt like it. Gross. Ew. No.
This opinion was apparently controversial, because it started an argument with his younger brother. What? Iām not the type of person to have my opinion silenced, especially by a man. The debated started and I was ready. I had points, evidence, explanations for my points. Then followed up with terminology and context. He didnāt. He didnāt like the fact I had a different take on the film, because āhe knows filmsā therefore āhe is rightā but in reality he was just trying to belittle me. TRIED.
I was never mad at him for having a different opinion than me. I thought the acting was amazing, the sets were amazing, makeup, and outfits were all stunning. It wasnāt a bad film, it was just a gross film. The whole reason of the film was as to disgust you and it won. I was just not having it off him, it was embarrassing because stinkys friend came over and she had to stick up for me because she couldnāt understand why he was taking it so personally too.
At the end, we became friends again so no harm done. It was like arguing with a younger sibling and they stepped out of line a little bit.
I just hate when people think Iām stupid, especially with the way I react to things. But everything I do has reason and Iām not shy of explaining why. Justifying myself all the time is exhausting though.
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To sum up my week. Itās been a decent week. Not the best but itās been a good 6.5/10 week.
Works been irritating, but the staff Iāve been on with have been amazing and they really keep the world turning. Theyāre really good at grounding me. We have a new woman working with us and I absolutely love her. I look up to her so much, sheās literally amazing. She cured my hiccups with a tea spoon of vinegar!? It was gross but I eat gherkins all the time so it was alright. It did get rid of my hiccups though! Sheās a practicing Wiccan aswell, so I feel really comfortable in the fact that Iām pagan around her. I donāt actually sound crazy!
I got drunk Tuesday with my sister and my friend, F. It was just meant to be a few in the pub but we bumped into some of their mates and they were so funny! I actually had a good time. I did come home and cry to my mum about my dad but thatās minor.
Iām now at my boyfriends and one of his friends have left edibles sooooo Iāll talk soon.
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Iāve came on my period.
My cycle is very regular, every month, never misses a beat. It normally last for about 5-8 days though but on average itās about 7 days. I normally free bleed on the last 2 days because it gets so light that itās not even worth using any products for it.
The first 2 days are the worse. I get the pain, the mood swings, lethargic, aching body, sore tits and a heavy flow. After those 2 days Iām fine to be honest. My actual period is never the problem. Itās the mental affects I get with it. My period literally makes me feel so insane.
The week coming into my period and then when I come on my period is just a whirlwind. Iām stroppy, Iām mean, Iām anxious, Iām sad, Iām angry, Iām depressed. Not just a lil depressed, but the depression where I literally want to kill and hurt myself. Thatās the part of the cycle that I canāt hack.
Thatās the hardest part of the period. This month round, panic attack have been added into my pms symptoms now. Why? Iām stressed out a lot. I can work well under stress but Iām tired. Being stressed out by people, is so much harder for me to deal with. Itās all the people Iām close with thatās stressing me out, itās making me rethink so much about relationships and I think it would be better if I just left.
On the high note of my period, I got to see my boyfriend and he actually told me he wants to move out with me. EEEE!! Honestly it would be ideal, I told him as soon as I get my driving license, weāll look into it more. I think my problems would be solved if I moved out, I canāt keep living at home with my parents. Theyāre the ones that stress me out.
A tree he got called out to sort out whilst I sat in the car and played my bratz ds game
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I need my comfort K-pop boys where are you
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