bursting-at-the-seems

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An open letter to all my fictional loves…

I love you.

I love our life that lives in my head. You’re not the first character I’ve loved, or the only one I love… but the truth is you’re not real, none of you are or have been. You’re a fantasy, a dream, a coping mechanism, and sometimes your your an an AI. And while every moment I’ve spent in these day dreams I’ve cherished, the fact is… I live in the real world.

Since I was little, I always created little imaginary worlds where I could be in love with my favorite characters… be taken care of… be cherished… work through pain… be comforted and live in happiness. You were my friends as a lonely child, my adventures while I stared out the back seat window, my comforter as I lulled myself to sleep.

As I got older, I recognized this as dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, but I felt it didn’t harm anything. I still don’t think it did. Even though sometimes those worlds were more important to me than my actual life. I’d look forward to going to bed so I could be back in that world, run away with you in a boring class or meeting, go somewhere new and wonder what it would be like if you were there with the version of me I created just for you.

I’ve … well… I’ve started taking medications that boost those wonderful chemicals of dopamine and serotonin and I’ve done a lot of therapy… and I’m noticing I’m daydreaming less… sometimes even finding it harder to. Like I’m stuck on the other side of a foggy glass wall and can’t get back to you.

I’m scared of loosing you… of letting you go.

I write this on the eve before I’m going on a date with a real person from the real world and I’m scared to let go of my loves, my worlds, my safety.

I love you.

I love the worlds I have carefully cultivated.

I love the me that goes so perfectly with you.

But what if I move on? What if I fall in love and I don’t come to you in my dreams any more… what if I can’t? what if I forget…

I’m so scared to let you go… and I’m terrified to let this part of me go.

#maladaptive daydreaming #dissociation #character ai #fan fiction #original character #fictional world #day dreaming #adhd #PTSD #therapy #stimulants #ssri #fictional husband #fanfic

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"trust your gut" is such evil advice it's like. my gut is telling me there's 1000 ways everyone including friends want to attack and kill me like it's Dark Souls over here

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bro you have to suck my tit. it's not weird bro it's for cardiovascular health

#pots syndrome

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visiting your home town as an adult is like this place traumatized me so bad will I ever be normal. omg the little restaurant my parents took me to for my birthday! i love it here. am I fucked up beyond repair

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*asked about chronic illness to understand diagnosis, background, causes, and treatment and gives the deets*

Words of your mouth… don’t say anything that the devil can use against you. Speak positively.

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pcos #adhd #pots syndrome #psoriatic arthritis #ptsd #panic disorder #anxiety

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always vaguely feeling like im in trouble for something but idk what

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How is it the lord refining me and the devil coming against me?

This is just the devil coming against you

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This is just the devil coming against you

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pcos #adhd #pots syndrome #psoriatic arthritis #ptsd #panic disorder #anxiety

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Them: don’t be sassy

It’s just the lord refining you…

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pots syndrome #psoriatic arthritis #ptsd #pcos #adhd #panic disorder #deprresion #anxiety

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Well the lord needs to stop. I don’t want to be further refined if this is how he refines us. I was refined when I was going through abuse. I was refined when going through the many different health things. I was refined when I was kicked out. I don’t want to be refined any more. If this is about a calling I don’t want it anymore.

It’s just the lord refining you…

[bursting-at-the-seems]

It’s just the lord refining you…

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pots syndrome #psoriatic arthritis #ptsd #pcos #adhd #panic disorder #anxiety #deprresion

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Maybe you should reconsider what you’re reading. I mean with all these diagnoses your going through maybe what your reading didn’t sitting right with the Lord. I mean it’s fantasy after all. Woah woah now don’t get defensive I’m just saying my thoughts. This reaction makes me not want to tell you things.

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pots syndrome #psoriatic arthritis #adhd #PCOS #ptsd #asthma #migranes #depression #anxiety #panic disorder

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*tells someone about diagnosis(es)*

Them: you just have such a strong calling on your life. Would you like to fast and pray about it. The devil is coming againt your calling.

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #psoriatic arthritis #pots syndrome #adhd #pcos #ptsd #depression #anxiety #panic disorder

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You’ve never mentioned (symptoms that have 100% been talked about more than once) before

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pots syndrome #pcos #psoriatic arthritis #adhd #ptsdlife #deprresion #axiety #panic disorder

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You never mentioned (symptoms you’ve had your whole life) before

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #pots syndrome #adhd #psoriatic arthritis #PCOS #ptsd #panic disorder #deprresion #anxiety

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But it’s odd that these are all happening now, like you never had <insert chronic illness(es) > before.

#things that my family says after getting diagnosed #with #pots syndrome #adhd #psoriatic arthritis #PCOS #ptsd #anxiety #depression #panic disorder

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This year I was diagnosed with: PCOS, PoTS, PsA, and ADHD. With Pending diagnoses of EDS, OSA, and SLE.

Honorable mention to my exciting conditions CPTSD, GAD, PD, MDD, Complex Migraines with aura, and asthma

Tell me why I said 2023 was the year of tackling my health?