gardenpansy - Tumblr blog

gardenpansy · 6 months

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i don't want to feel angry viewing and reading and consuming fellow artists' work. it's been a long time since I consistently consumed and was inspired to create my own work through looking at other people's art.

i'm finally moving back home to chicago after a year of declining mental health in new orleans, and today i felt a spark of familiarity, remembering the joy i felt in looking at something strange or beautiful or confusing and wanting to consult myself to make something confusing or beautiful or strange in my own art. all of the weight of feeling like a failure and a loser in a new city is off of my chest as i get closer to moving.

and i no longer feel shitty about looking at art. i used to think all of these younger artists needed to get a grip about their numerous "my sketchbook is so ugly" videos (and honestly everyone needs to get a grip about that).

but really i needed to realize that I don't want to monetize my art the way that everyone thinks that i should, that I never really wanted to but thought it could be the only way to escape the mainstream workforce. it just isn't what will fuel me to keep creating. "create only if i can get money from it"?! what am i? my dad from 2010 shaming me out of studying art in college?

there's still a lot of work to do to set a seat at the table for me to create freely and more intuitively, and cast aside this escapist desire to only create things that are "just pretty" when there is so much turmoil residing in me that continues to stay trapped.

#but yea #tldr im gonna look at art again and work on my jealousy of peoples tolerance for monetizing art #and be ok with not monetizing and going back to why i made art in the first place and move away from my unending escapist feelings

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gardenpansy · 8 months

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// The Wiring Event // Documentations

The relentless and purposeful injury to the brain is essential for creating the machine that is the adult product of trauma.

Interference, which is discouraged, allows the development of self-identity, self-assurance, and trust.

Discrediting interference establishes doubt in the machine’s self and surroundings, and ensures consistent and lifelong dependence upon the creators and bystanders.

#gore tw #cptsd #comics #ink drawings #mental health art #trauma art #i doodled a looser version of this a couple months ago thinking about #how i often feel like a man made machine because of my experiences and hinderances #and feeling like a botched experiment that someone else is somehow proud to have done.#not that i am not worthy of my own pride #but rather someone is proud of the wrongdoings and mishaps and has no shame for the damage done.#trigger warning

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gardenpansy · 8 months

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“sulky baby…..

… sweetness undefeated”

#drawings #pencil #inner child #sulky baby #yeule

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gardenpansy · 1 year

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things are ok, better now. things are always better when i talk to fellow gay n trans artists. better when im in nature. better when we provide each other safe spaces to geek out about our dreams without shame.

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gardenpansy · 1 year

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thank you for these tags. these articles are actually one of the reasons i just had to write and vent this out. it's so frustrating. representation through means of art theft. hilarious.

as a black artist it is will always be disappointing to see black art end up being AI art. it will always be frustrating to see representation like this. i used to get so excited seeing the different ways some of my favorite contemporary artists will render black life and the different ranges of black people's bodies and hair and faces and all.

i remember scrolling instagram a couple months ago, and seeing an artist, who creates collage through pop culture cutouts and repetition, post this "drawing" of a black woman amongst nature. very much in the style that i love(d) painting, with flowers surrounding. it gave me Minnie Riperton vibes. and then seeing "created with AI" in the caption.

i have never been one to say traditional media is "better" than digital, especially when i regularly shifted between the two when i was a teenager and early in my adulthood. but with AI, there is no "you, the artist" in it. and there is not a single care for any of the artworks (be they from black (or non black) painters and photographers, etc) that went into creating these images. every artist is influenced by one another, but all that comes from US watching and actually looking and understanding (or even misunderstanding) and absorbing art and concepts and themes and blah blah.

but back to my point, i wish this had never happened. i genuinely have always hoped for non-black artists to learn to actually look at black people and understand our differences and learn to put that to paper (praise to the patient people making tutorials! praise to the people making brushes for hair, even). but ugh.. what does a computer even understand about it?

#again... to call it ''art'' at all when you have put nothing of yourself into it... ok..#which again..... is why comparing digital and traditional media outside of personal preference is so annoying.#stop talking

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gardenpansy · 1 year

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as a black artist it will always be disappointing to see black art end up being AI art. it will always be frustrating to see representation like this. i used to get so excited seeing the different ways some of my favorite contemporary artists will render black life and the different ranges of black people's bodies and hair and faces and all.

i remember scrolling instagram a couple months ago, and seeing an artist, who creates collage through pop culture cutouts and repetition, post this "drawing" of a black woman amongst nature. very much in the style that i love(d) painting, with flowers surrounding. it gave me Minnie Riperton vibes. and then seeing "created with AI" in the caption.

i have never been one to say traditional media is "better" than digital, especially when i regularly shifted between the two when i was a teenager and early in my adulthood. but with AI, there is no "you, the artist" in it. and there is not a single care for any of the artworks (be they from black (or non black) painters and photographers, etc) that went into creating these images. every artist is influenced by one another, but all that comes from US watching and actually looking and understanding (or even misunderstanding) and absorbing art and concepts and themes and blah blah.

but back to my point, i wish this had never happened. i genuinely have always hoped for non-black artists to learn to actually look at black people and understand our differences and learn to put that to paper (praise to the patient people making tutorials! praise to the people making brushes for hair, even). but ugh.. what does a computer even understand about it?

#shit if i was an academic intellectual this would sound better but im just so angry and im so tired #ive been so frustrated about representation in art for so long and to see it come to this...... so angry.#angry tired smad

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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spent a nice two hours at the market for makers today! chatted up some really friendly creators and it was really sweet chatting up this woman from florida named Kiara making her way out in markets selling crystals and talking about being DR🇩🇴 n all the people she's met while traveling this year.

i also got to chat with a fellow artist who makes really sweet gouache floral paintings and I think if we ever meet again we should consider convincing each other to finally give the other medium a chance! it was so inspiring like ugh i wish i was able to become a merchant myself and have my own stand of prints and postcards n things but maybe another time in another city. check some of them out tho, gonna link their website/shop and their IG for gifts/ideas!

Stoned Crystalz (Kiara) and insta

Lilly Carr Art (the painter I met!) and her insta

Hines Brines (gave me a v cool boozy hot choco recipe) and insta

Sloane Jewelry (had necklaces for my top fav flowers) and insta

Carla Merino Jewelry (she had vintage coin rings that i was eyeing) and insta

Jess a Little Jewelry and insta

Fluid Life and her insta

#was very healing talking to sellers of color just being v excited about their work #one day me too

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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honestly I haven't yet done much exploration on what it means to be an artist making the art that I make, the art that I like to make. reading through a handful of recent comments and tags about my fat art of color and about meaningful representation reminds me of some soft and beautiful feelings of being the artist I wish I'd known about when I was little (and still daydreaming about getting interviewed by a late night talkshow host).

i have certain goals with my art as a career that I'm just not in the door yet, but I've always wanted to talk about the art that I make alongside my contemporaries here on tumblr. my dreams for this blog back in 2011 were getting to talk to anyone about my art. talk to other artists and feel and understand each other's need to create specifically the things we create.

and that's still what I want. not necessarily the academics but the deeper feelings when looking at art.

i've always been bothered by how Scrolling Through Social Media was essentially skimming through countless magazine photoshoots, running at 50 miles an hour through every art gallery in town, putting the news station or your podcasts on 500x speed. it's a hard adaption that I've been very stubborn about accepting that maybe this isn't the space for me, and that I could feel better if I left and just made art for tangible spaces. but even then I face my own art blocks and adequacy struggles.

#going to end that there. head empty as they say

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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@worth-beyond-a-number-scale thank you for saying that, it seriously means so much! this kinda representation is what i've died to see for so so many years especially around when i started The Floral Gang. I'm glad I never deleted too, I think I may post again some day but with different goals maybe.

I was hoping to find some other platform to do art blogging but nothing really strikes me. honestly I was hoping to delete this blog but it may be better to just blog and do what I want. unsure what I even want out of staying here, maybe an outlet for some buried artist feelings I've been holding for a few months, especially leading into my recent surgery and now after.

#replies #worth beyond a number scale #thank you again :)

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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Initially I was thinking my lost drive to make art was from working through this dreary and toxic virtual workplace and needing every hour outside of it to dissociate until or through dinner until bedtime. This morning I had the passing thought, "At this time a year ago, I was living on savings." I quit the second of my part time jobs and was living off savings from the aquarium and the restaurant.

Something about going through phases of making art and completely stopping makes me wonder if this really what I want to do. It's a gaslighting thing, but at its very core art was a tool for escapism and coping with the lonely childhood and first years of adulthood. And, learning from my current job, at some point I begin to reject the sense of obligation and stop or put in half the effort.

And so I'm not in the same heightened state of needing to escape things, and I'm unsure where my desire to make art is. I don't like just making pretty flowers, but I do because how it makes people feel. I know there's some untapped emotions to dig at that I've completely kept away and out of my art; maybe that's something to explore.

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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I was hoping to find some other platform to do art blogging but nothing really strikes me. honestly I was hoping to delete this blog but it may be better to just blog and do what I want. unsure what I even want out of staying here, maybe an outlet for some buried artist feelings I've been holding for a few months, especially leading into my recent surgery and now after.

#maybe something else will come up #i just need a place to document or write that isn't tumblr

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gardenpansy · 2 years

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