gettingitallout

[gettingitallout]

Being a closeted trans queer adult while quarentined/living with with lgtbq+ phobic antivaxer parents be like: It might not be safe to be on hormones yet but I will start a whole argument to drive myself to the pharmacy for the booster shot if I have too.

#hahaha #and for those who know what its likes starting an argument with emotionally abusive people #you know how fuckin serious i am lol #ps i am tired constantly #abuse #emotional abuse

[gettingitallout]

It's now Wednesday. The day before Thanksgiving. I spent most of it mentally and physically preparing to be around my family to help cook for an extended amount of time tonight and possibly tomorrow. I'm extreamly emotionally compromised as I know this will be a triggering time. I've spent all month and several months prior in horror of today and tomorrow and the following holiday events to come. Productivity wise I've just scraped by today and that is okay. I haven't done anything but rest, prepare mentally, distract myself, and disassociate.

That is okay. That is productive.

#reassurance #abuse #trans #lgbtq #mentally ill #neurodivergent

[gettingitallout]

I wish there was a button in our brain to flip that turned the love you have off for an abusive person. Even after hearing some of the most painful shit, I can't like.. not want to look out for them.

I hate myself.

#abuse #ptsd

[gettingitallout]

When one of your abusive parents makes an offhand but excited comment about how one of the real-estate agents she watches on TV got a house for his parents to live close by and you have to hold in your tears for the umpteenth time about one of your parents hinting at expecting to be close to you for the rest of your life and it feels like you'll never be free of this shit ever.

#abuse #ptsd #emotional abuse #im still %80 surs theyre goibg to disown me when i come out and start physically transitioning #if i can be brave ebough to get nyself out of here and do that #but that 20% chance they don't #...also scares me

[gettingitallout]

That universal trans but in the closet feeling of seeing someone in person for the first time in like 5+ years and even though they've known you haven't gone by your agab pronouns in 3 years, you gotta remind them, hey don't forget to misgender me in public lol!!

[gettingitallout]

I feel this distinct rage whenever my mom brings up one of her queer friends from when she was young. She said he was "something else" but said it fondly.

Like...what kind of manipulation even is this? When I've heard you be grossly lgbtq+ phobic in the last several weeks? When ive heard you cast all sorts of judgement on my queer friends when they aren't around to hear it or aren't in my life anymore? When I know I can't tell you half of my queer friends are queer because, other than never outing someone who hasn't given the express consent, I know your reaction will be terrible? Make it make since.

#lgbt #homophobia

[gettingitallout]

One of my favorite things about the cold half of fall is being able to exit my parents house in a jacket and not having to hear my mom say some derogatory sounding "take that off, you look like somethings wrong with you" or "you look mentally ill leave that here" like she does in summer.

I guess its atleast nice she doesn't use the r slur anymore.

#abelism #emotional abuse #and not after i told her why not to #or that it made me uncomfortable #no #she had to learn from tv over a series of years #her last slip was last year i think

[gettingitallout]

When the diliverers brought up mom's new bed, apparently one of them saw the art my parents display [one self portrait I did as an assignment for college, plus two commission busts i did back in 2017...plus 2 book covers as I have published prints of each, the only work my parents display are commissions that are...vague... not my personal work and certainly not my more obviously lgbtq themed commissions] and my mom kept going on about how cute and handsome he was and how apparently he thought the portrait was of her or that she did it and she corrected him. She then went on about how she thought I would like him because he was cute and how beautiful he thought my work was. I just felt....so numb but...so angry at the same time.

Idk, it was a painful experience for alot of reasons. Like the art thing, the secretly trans thing, the bi/demi thing, the I can't date because I can't be out thing, the oh shes trying to refer some cis man to me AGAIN thing, the generally feeling pathetic/worthless/suicidal thing...all the things.

What a reward for cleaning up all week for the bed people to get here I guess. I'm exhausted.

#trans #lgbtq #depression #anxiety

[gettingitallout]

There is something distinctly painful about being complimented for the body your in and the face you have [you're such a beautiful woman] when you know you're trans and can't get on hormones yet/can't be out because of your living situation. Felt like a gut punch im still recovering from.

#trans #lgbtq #depression #anxiety #in the closet

[gettingitallout]

When you gave up tumblr for a month because of a downward spiral after some abuse in early September and now its mid October and you gotta descide if you want to catch your vent blog up to the abusive atrocities you experienced in that time or of you just want to wait until the next shit happens and move on from there.

[gettingitallout]

In trying go get some work done before a contractual deadline, plus the usual insomnia, ive wrecked my sleep schedule. I haven't woken up earlier than 3 in the last 3 weeks or gone yo sleep earlier that 8 am. I woke up today at 5, exhausted without the executive function to summon go get other work done now that I met said deadline 2 days ago. This was supposed to be my first day back on the grind after 2 days off...*sigh*

[gettingitallout]

I'm going to try very hard to make it through this holiday season...but its September and I'm already wrecked.

[gettingitallout]

I know my mom would make me out to be the badguy if she saw this page. Because there is "something wrong" with people who vent to friends or tell peoples 'buisness'.

No wonder my response to trauma is to self sooth, isolate, and not tell my friends what's going on.

#depression #anxiety #abuse

[gettingitallout]

So…we were talking about how people who weren’t vaccinated might be getting treated badly by doctors at the hospital when they are diagnosed positive for cover and she asked me, “how would you feel if someone did that to you when you weren’t vaccinated, because we got vaccinated late”. I basically said that it was wrong for doctors to do that, as there are people who planed to get vaccinated but didn’t have the chance yet or simply had no choice but not to be. And that I fell into that second camp because I didn’t have a choice when I was ready to get vaccinated ( which was around April)

Then she said “yes you did” insinuating that I did have a choice.

Me, being on my period with hardly a filter, said “no I didn’t”.

Because I couldn’t tell her every reason why I didn’t have a choice but she knew enough to where she should know that I didn’t

Which simply made her double down and say “yes you did” again.

I gave up at that point but alright. Let’s consider the events of my life for the past couple of months shall we?

April, when I became sure that I was ready to get the vaccine, my mother had been skeptical of it for a while  and was verbally putting it down still. As I didn’t have a license at the time, I couldn’t drive myself to the pharmacy to get the shot(s) without a licensed person present (I had my learners permit but didn’t really go anywhere anyway, I hadn’t driven in a good 3 years…drivers anxiety and really no need to drive anywhere when my friends would just offer to come to see me pre pandemic). I’m black. I’m not tempting being stopped by the police by sneaking out on my own unlicensed. Plus I’m high risk with some respiratory issues ive had for a year and some change now. Back in April I was having a really bad flare up of them in that my chest hurt daily and it was a good day if I only had a coughing fit twice. So i didn’t feel comfortable getting in a car with someone else or getting a taxi to ride to a pharmacy (still don’t really). Even with my dad for various and valid reasons.

In addition to this…my mom had a really bad fall in the last week of April. Landing her in so much pain that she couldn’t walk and couldn’t leave the bed for days. (I was doing all of the caring for her). It wasn’t until late May that she could even get  in and out of a car. So through out May my only option to take me there, was the person who couldn’t drive but also wasn’t too keen on the idea of vaccination. (She’s actually withheld one particular vaccine from me when I was younger (a teen) under the ground of ‘well you can get cancer with or without the vaccine’  all because she was concerned about the side effects of that vaccine, I won’t say which one) .

….

June.

My mom is starting to recover bit by bit. (She’s had mobility issues for a long time now but she was slowly getting back to her normal and able to use walking aid’s like crutches and her usual cane for her to get about,)

My dad comes home from work, casually talking to me about how if he was one of the younger guys at his work he would wait until he had a couple kids to get vaccinated. I overheard from the dining room where  I usually work on commissions and happened to turn my headphones down right at the time he started talking about vaccination. In the past I’ve had a few arguments with the two of them (my parents) about how I didn’t want to have kids and if I did then I would adopt one. But even that was unlikely. I remember my dad saying at some point during one of the fights “I will never be grandfather to any adopted child”.

Something like that if my memory serves…

So there went my last ditch option of my dad if I was feeling…risky. At this point, he is vaccinated himself but that’s…not going to save my unvaccinated ass if he happens to give it to me on the ride there. So I started planning out how I could get the vaccine myself. I start planning on practicing night driving and three point turning so I could get my license. Then I could sneak out with my moms car while she’s away and my dad’s at work (when his work hours alligned with the time I’d need to sneak out) and go to get them without saying anything.  I was getting Desperet and scared I’d never get it if I didn’t do it for myself.

But between my own anxiety and my mom being very understandably wiped out/sore for some times days after her physical therapy sessions, it was very difficult to carve out days to go practice until the end of the month.

Then At some point between the end of June and early July, my mom came around and we started making plans to get vaccinated. I don’t remember the specific day…

I got vaccinated on July 11th.

It’s…not sounding like I had a choice between April and July to me.

#covid 19 #covid pandemic

[gettingitallout]

Mom went on another rant about how she should have kept me away from certain people as a kid. How important nurture is over nature [basically kids can be changed from who they are if you raise them a certain way, this is how she describes it] and how she hated every friend I had.

She's talking about my queer friends and being in GSA. Something that kept me from killing myself when I was 14.

I'm 28 now. She gives me this regret speech atleast once every two weeks and it hits just as hard every time. I've been hearing this for years. Im so tired of hearing it.

#lgbt #trans #lgbtq #abuse

[gettingitallout]

There's nothing like bringing my mom a snack and having to run [more like a swift but seemingly uneffected exit] out of the room because I can tell the movie she's watching is unknowingly about to get gay and I don't want to hear her mouth about it.

#lgbt #trans #depression #anxiety #abuse #she had the audacity to insinuate when i saw her later how the movie got stupid around the time that i left which #she didnt have to say why

[gettingitallout]

Routinely I forget and lose 50+ things in a day boardering on minimum consequences to life threatening. Thats my normal. It is what it is.

The only time my mom cares about it: when it effects her and not me.

#adhd #autism #neurodivergent #depression #anxiety #she had the audacity to say i was dling it intentionally #like i want to ruin the shower head or something by not hanging it back up after using it #she also hates that when im doing something that take concentration #that she cant talk to me because i make mistakes