ghoulbullets - Tumblr blog

ghoulbullets · 3 days

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my coming out story

(TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM, SUICIDAL IDEATION, ADDICTION, SEXUAL ASSAULT, OVERALL HEAVY MENTAL HEALTH TOPICS!!)

happy pride month goobers!! ive been very open about my queer identity for a long time now but i wasn't always this proud of myself. and i wanted to come on here and share my story! its pretty heavy at times so i just want to say, beforehand, if you are struggling as bad as i was there are so many resources you can connect with that will help you greatly!! don't suffer in silence! you are loved, and you will get through whatever it is you are dealing with!

growing up ive always known that i wasn't like my peers. ive always been considered the weird kid. i only hung out with the outcasts, even in elementary school. my first queer experience I can trace to 6th grade. i met this girl who quickly became my best friend. she was a huge anime fan and would always talk about assassination classroom, that was her favorite. so i started watching it. 11 year old me would find the sketchiest websites to watch it for free and in english. i remember when i first realized that all of this effort i was putting in to make her think I was cool was actually because i had a crush. we were on the bus on our way to a field trip to see a movie with our class. we were sharing earbuds watching some anime on her phone. i remember feeling nasueous because we were sitting so close. that was my first crush on a girl.

when we finished 6th grade and all moved to different schools for middle school i lost contact with her. but that's okay, new school new me. i got that goofy asymmetrical haircut that most queer kids get at that age. and started 7th grade. i quickly became best friends with a girl that i shared 2 classes with. we texted every day and only did partner projects with each other. she was also very openly very religious. when i started telling her about how i thought i was a lesbian she would always tell me "well ill help you change". we would sit with friends and she would bring it up and laugh about it. i think she wholeheartedly believed she could change me. we were friends from the start of the school year until new years eve of that same year. new years eve was the night i came out to my mom and dad as a lesbian. i remember her texting me "its not too late to change your mind" and after i did it "im sorry but we just cant be friends anymore."

another girl i had became very close with at the same time shaped my interests and personality for,, well until now. we did a partner project together where we had to dissect a song for english class. the song she picked was ode to sleep by twenty one pilots. i remember not wanting to do it (crazy how they're one of the bands that saved my life). even after the project was over we still talked. we actually had history class together. we sat in the very back of the class and would squish our desks togther and share her earbuds to watch dan and phil. she stopped being friends with me around the same time for the same reason. which is ironic. i wonder where she is today.

i remember going back to school the day after i came out. my parents didn't really say much about my coming out besides the fact that they loved me.. however my best friend sat across the classroom from me because she didn't agree with my "choice". that was the first time i felt alone. isolated from everyone (my age) around me.

when 8th grade came along i gained a few friends. and reconnected with some friends from 6th grade who didn't talk to me in 7th for their own self discovery reasons. it was my first full year out as a lesbian i got my first girlfriend. a girl who now has a baby. she was sweet. it only lasted about 2 weeks. but as do most relationships at that age. i also joined an anime club during this time. because, two years later, i still was in to the animes my first girl crush showed me. i quickly became friends with a lot of the people in the club. many i am still friends with to this day.

the dynamic of this friend group was extremely toxic though. a bunch of weird queer kids with the same interests spending 2 hours after school together for 3 days a week? that's just a breeding ground for drama. and drama there was. i had my first kiss with a girl, joined a lesbian polycule, cheated on my partner at the time, lost and regained friends every other day. it was too much for kids our age to be going through. and during this time i was also discovering that i may not be a girl. i started throwing around the idea of being nonbinary.

during this time i also started falling into a very deep depression. i started self harming every day. i developed an addiction to benadryl. became friends with a trans guy who eventually started sexually assaulting me at school for a month, and then i had my first suicide attempt. it was terrible. and my parents didn't find out until a friend of mine did, who told the school. this led to my first hospitalization. which caused a rumor to be spread around the school that i had succeeded in killing myself. i had came back to school with my locker covered in sticky notes and lost many friends.. i hate to say the hospital didnt help me the way we had hoped it would. so i quickly became a frequent flier. my mom didn't know what else to do every time i relapsed or had my second attempt.

during my time in and out of the hospital i started experimenting with different pronouns. when i started this gender journey i was using they/them. but then i learned what being transgender was and my whole world changed. so i started using he/him as well. but i was so scared that my parents would find out so i begged my friends to misgender and dead name me when they came over. but i did get my first pixie cut. and i started dressing more masculine. and binding in any way that I could, often times EXTREMELY UNSAFE!

i stopped hanging out with some of the people from club around this time and met my third girlfriend. my first girlfriend as a BOY. only this time it was my first real relationship. we dated off and on until the very end of freshman year. my mom knew about them, they came with us to family events. we dated for nearly an entire year before we broke up. we are still friends today, they're an amazing person who helped me with my self discovery more than they know.

hospitalizations were a reoccurring thing. i remember one time we were driving to an evaluation and my mom asked why this was happening. in the heat of the moment i asked her "well have you ever though maybe i don't want to be a girl?" her only response was "you already came out as one thing, just slow down." we didn't talk about it again. a month later i left for school one day and left a very long letter on the kitchen counter telling my parents im transgender. i came home from school and they didn't say a word. so it continued.

i moved schools sophomore year. the bullying had gotten so bad and my pill addiction was causing me to skip class to sleep in the bathrooms.. the school pretty much begged me to leave. my parents, mainly my mom, were becoming very aware i "wanted to be trans". they let me tell the new school to change my name in the system from my dead name to my preferred name. they let me express myself in any way i wanted (my mom even bought me my first binder) but still were weird about the whole trans thing. but my mom did start taking me and my younger sisters to pride events!

nothing exciting happened until junior year. where i was taking the gender thing a lot more seriously. this year i had another really bad mental health crisis that landed me in the hospital again.. and then into a residential mental health facility. i was originally supposed to be there for nine months to a year, as requested by my therapist at the time. but during my stay i got worse. maybe it was the dysphoria of being the only boy in an all girls psych unit. maybe it was that i spent my 17th birthday in there with doctors and strangers, hours away from my family. or maybe it was that my dad (who my mom had separated from a year before) and his girlfriend had my baby sister and I wouldnt be able to meet her until i got out. i ended up getting out a month after her birth (which caused my therapist to drop me for not completing the program fully).. however my dad died a month after my discharge.

my dad was the most homophobic and transphobic out of my parents.. but the very last time i saw him he introduced me as his son, using my preferred name, to his friend. i now know my mom had a talk with him during my hospitalization that this trans thing is something im serious about.. and that them not respecting it was literally killing me. even if he was told to do it, its still a nice last memory.

senior year came. i was extremely open about being transgender and queer. i had been dating boys and girls. my mom was even starting to express her own queer identity. her and my doctor decided that after i graduated highschool i would start testosterone. and that i did. i graduated highschool a month early. march of 2023. and two weeks later my mom picked up my testosterone perscription and did my first injection.

a week after graduating highschool i started cosmetology school. i was so excited for this because i had been doing my own hair for years and even had friends that would have me do their hair as well. but starting college directly after years of highschool that nearly killed you will burn you out very quickly. burn out, combined with the intense dysphoria you don't expect to get when working in this industry, led to me dropping out in October of 2023. but i did keep an amazing tight knit friend group consisting of me and 3 amazing girls who love me more than i could ever ask for.

flash forward to today. im very open about my transness, my mom gets into arguments on facebook nearly every week defending me, her son, who she is so incredibly proud of. im watching my siblings come out as queer, im watching my extended family grow more and more comfortable with the fact that they have a nephew, grandson, etc. i wont say my depression is cured but I am better than I ever have been. because I survived school as a weird gay kid. and I'm now a weird gay adult who surrounds himself with nothing but love because that's all I deserve.

im begging young trans kids... YOU NEED TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO RECEIVE THE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE YOU DESERVE. you will get there one day. it takes so much work but its all worth it.

#transgender #lgbtq #pride month #ftm #dan and phil #twenty one pilots #queer #bisexual

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ghoulbullets · 23 days

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what lead me to discovering im aromantic?

for the longest time the idea of aromanticism has been in the back of my mind. i have had partners before. ive dated men, women, gnc people.. and every long term relationship i have been in had ended in me "self sabotaging" in one way or another. id spiral down this rabbit hole of craving the intimacy of a romantic relationship then, once i have it, losing any and all feelings for the person. and i have always blamed it on my borderline personality disorder. it was always easier for me to think my mental health made it impossible for me to stay in love with someone and not the fact that its just how i am.

i have been in denial for years about this. because when you think of being aromantic you think of someone who does not want a romantic relationship in any way shape or form. and it feels very limiting. especially when i first learned of the label when I was 14 or 15. i thought it was "too much to commit to" because "what if i do find someone?". and i know that other identities exist in the aromantic spectrum. demi-romantic is probably closer in definition to what i want to feel, however aromantic describes how i actually go about my relationships.

now to more recent times. ive been off and on various dating apps ever since I turned 18. and ive matched with so many people, but i never went on dates with anyone i met. except for recently. i matched with an ex coworker from 2021. he messaged me. and we hung out that weekend and then every weekend for 4 weeks. which isnt a lot but i was obsessed with him immediately and i will admit i lovebombed him. i spent the first two weeks we talked sending him silly lovey dovey memes, i made him a playlist, and talked about him to my friends. i remember exactly when i started pulling away from him. after our last hangout we made out and also talked about what we want from a relationship, things along those lines. a week later i brought to his attention the fact that im asexual. because part of me hoped it would put him off. it was hard for me, an asexual trans man, to think a cis man could be attracted to me as a man and not just for my female body.

after weeks of giving him dry responses and eventually falling into a pretty severe depression, i started thinking more. mainly about my past relationships. i thought maybe I was t4t (which I am). but then I also thought back to my previous t4t relationships and how I felt almost the same loss of interest after a while.

which has now lead me to this. pouring out my brain to strangers on tumblr to try to figure out if I'm aromantic, and if I am, finding people who share this experience.

i hope this exploring gives me something to ease my anxiety a bit. and i hope anyone following along can see some sort of themself in my mess. so we both feel less alone in the world.

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #lgbtq #queer #t4t #transgender

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