howthisheartbeats

[howthisheartbeats]

They say hope is an anchor, but I am lost at sea. Unmoored and thrashed about wildly.

If hope is an anchor, then I am shipwrecked helplessly.

Tossed by waves of worry, drowning in despair.

But then, among the scattered debris—

Just before the surface claims me—

Hope finds me, not an anchor, but a buoy.

One I cling to, desperately.

Hope is not an anchor deep, but the buoyancy that keeps—

My head above the surface as the clouds above part over me.

Sun shines on my weary head…

Hope has saved me once again.

#happy sunday #writing blogs #writing #quotes #my writing #my thoughts #my words #hope

[howthisheartbeats]

Autism and tactlessness

I don't know if this is part of the general autistic experience or is more specific to people who grew undiagnosed — I can only speak for myself — but something that really bothers me and makes social situations far more exhaustive than I think they could be, is policing everything I say.

I was diagnosed with ASD after adulthood, but I didn't need a paper to see, throughout my whole life, that I struggled and suffer the effects from it. And one thing is that I am aware, as my loved ones like to point out, that I am "tactless" a lot of the times, which can mean I don't realize when I'm being rude, annoying or inconvenient, specially when I can't understand why that'd be.

Because of that, I was often corrected while growing up. Things that I said that were plainly honest, spontaneous or curious were pointed out as bad, usually without a good explanation on why it was bad, just that it was. After that, I'd usually be punished in a way or another, being not getting an explanation, receiving silent treatment and being ignored, having people mad at me, shouting at me, blaming me for a myriad of things or accusing me of things, laughing at me. All that came off as a punishment for being and talking the way I was.

Years ahead, now that I am an adult, I realized I learned something. Instead of learning why saying certain things is bad, I learned to be scared of what I say. I feel tense and constantly try to analyze what I'm gonna say even when that is meaningless because I can't find what could be bad about it in my memories. If I get too relaxed and let the words slip away, I get anxious I might've offended someone. I'm constantly scared to be offensive and be punished again.

That also means I am always scared of being abandoned by the people I love, and my first assumption will always be that I did something offensive without realizing. I know I'm an overall grumpy person, but I tend to be scared of people when they're mad, I tend to get anxious that they'll never want to talk to me again and I'll be alone.

I am exhausted of fights that I don't understand why even happen. Of not understanding why people get mad at me. Of feeling rejected by people I trusted and loved. Of overanalyzing everything I say and still being scared of going through all that again.

[howthisheartbeats]

06/20/23

I get so fucking tired of misunderstanding.

It feels like I'm in a fishbowl and I'm trying to make sense of what everyone around me is saying through the glass.

Some people are easier to understand—they slow down, enunciate clearly, and make sure they are heard correctly before they move on.

But only rarely have I encountered someone who can actually communicate with me in a way that feels equivalent to them lifting the entire damn fishbowl off of my head BEFORE they ever attempt to talk in the first place.

#quotes #writing blogs #writing #relationships #my writing #my words #my thoughts #late night thoughts #autism #neurodivergent #brain fog #fishbowl #communication #use your words #frustration

[howthisheartbeats]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#8 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

[howthisheartbeats]

“Missing you feels like a permanent part of me”

— Something I think about a lot

[howthisheartbeats]

“We’re never ready, and we are never perfect, despite this, we go.” - @tylerknott

#reblog

[howthisheartbeats]

“My heart has strayed farther than I ever thought it would. It’s getting easier to say goodbye—saying hello feels like cutting out my tongue. It might be an easier task than tasting the words on my lips that remind me how many times I’ve said goodbye before. I need you without a doubt, but I’ve never been good at giving myself what I need. Taking care of others is easier than acknowledging my need for them. Most importantly, for you. Can’t you meet me here without a greeting? Don’t make me say it; just be here and let me feel you near without words, without hello, without goodbye again.”

— (via endlesslywanderingheart)

#reblog

[howthisheartbeats]

“It’s amazing how much of yourself can get wrapped up into another individual almost without notice. It’s gradual and painless but suddenly you find yourself intertwined: hands, bodies, hearts. And you know you’re in too deep. But you love it for as long as it lasts—although you hope it always does because changing directions would wreck you and nothing is ever quite the same after that. Life is unkind and feelings fade over time, but choice is a powerful ally if you make up your mind. Indecision is the death of relationships and deciding not to choose is still making one. So make a choice, make it well, make a wish, then go make something of yourself. Be the change. Light up the world. Hold your loved ones close. Fight the system. Be yourself. Change your world.”

— Thoughts on love

#reblog

[howthisheartbeats]

“I hate the dimples in my back, but I could learn to love them if you traced your fingers down it to memorize their placement I have too many freckles, but if you kissed each one you saw, I would wish I had even more My hair is too straight & too thin, but if you buried your face in it and ran your fingers through it like silk, then I would never cut it again I talk too much & say too little, but if you caught my running mouth with your own, I’d wish our silence could last forever I don’t like my feet, my hands are too small, my hips are too wide, my ears not symmetrical, my legs are too short, and I don’t like my smile But if you love each part of me I might learn to love them all too And if you showed me how you see me I might love myself as much as I want you to”

— Body positive // learning to love

[howthisheartbeats]

“If only you knew how you can tip my world with your words…”

— Weighing in: my heart just got heavier.

[howthisheartbeats]

“If he doesn’t like your face without makeup on, leave him. Because if he cannot love your naked face, how can he love your naked soul?”

— You deserve to feel beautiful // just the way you are

[howthisheartbeats]

“These graceless words on my faltering lips cannot compete with the vast thoughts I contain.”

—

[howthisheartbeats]

“You hated consistency because it meant you couldn’t hide anymore”

— Why are you always hiding?

[howthisheartbeats]

“Missing you feels like a permanent part of me”

— Something I think about a lot

[howthisheartbeats]

“We said we’d be okay Oh but I knew that we were lying Now I’m laying here remembering How it felt to be beside you And I’m crying Mind slowly slipping into silent dreams Your voice is rapidly fading from these memories No longer drifting off to your softly whispered lullabies–I squint my sleepy eyes Until our faces blur unrecognizably My heart is beating rapidly With every beat my uncertainty Gradually Grows in intensity I will, I won’t, I will, I won’t… I will. My heart has slowed to a steady pace The recognizable lines of your face Disappear Your lullaby sounds like the drone of the past memories And I know it now My mind is sure As I fall asleep listening to my own thoughts on repeat I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay…”

— Getting over you

[howthisheartbeats]

“Love is a tricky thing – in the beginning, it’s a mindless mess of heart skipping, palms sweating, stomach aching, shortness of breath – and it’s just as fleeting. Fleeting – or rather retreating behind barred doors, hiding in the corridors of my heart, protected by my rib cage – the heart once beating out of my chest now back to rest in the same place – lifeless, fading. I’m bleeding – help! I’m aching – blood dripping as I fall to the floor. Floods from my eyes – my heart is bleeding through my tears. I’m drowning in the opposite way I imagined – not drowning in love, but rather, drowning in oceans of unfulfilled hopes and promises no one could keep – not even me – and I’m shattered; I was broken before, but now my bones feel pulverized – crushed into the ground – I’m laying here, dying to feel something other than this emptiness that claws at my insides – I’m hollow inside – only an echo of the dreams I once held – it’s depressing hitting rock-bottom so quickly; cloud nine became a thunderhead that dropped me out of the sky flailing unprepared to the reality below me – once again I’m reminded of the old me – it’s depressing, how flying is only falling gracefully – and I’ve never been good at the landing.”

— Why does it hurt this much (via howthisheartbeats)

[howthisheartbeats]

“I can get over you; the struggle is in not wanting to.”

— I want you still