itsnonamegirl

[itsnonamegirl]

Today.

Wow.

It’s been 3 years since I last posted something.

I almost forgot this blog of mine exists until today - I was talking to my co-worker about goals and life and inside frustrations.

How I want to do so many things, learn too many things.

An idea occurred to her that perhaps it would be easier when I have all these thoughts crossing my mind which never let me sleep... to just write it all down. And then read it. Read it out loud.

Said and done - I am doing this right now.

.

.

But.. where do I start?

It’s been too long. 4 years and yet I am back here again and could not help but wonder.. is this something that I truly desire?

I have grown up so much during my studies.

People might not see it, they might not understand it and I might not display it - I have always displayed the portrait of the happy girl, the powerful woman I have grown to become. A woman no one can touch.

I guess living abroad has truly somehow made me stronger due to the experiences.

I had too many experiences - both positives and negatives. Until I fell apart. Is this the word, the expression?

The important thing is I learnt to live with my mistakes.

I always tell to myself I have no regrets and so do a lot of people around me - but is this really true? Can we, as humans live without any regrets at all? Is this even allowed?

I guess I am not going anywhere because I do not have a point.

I never usually look in my past, my past is my past and I have to live with it - I always look to the future - What will become? What will I become?

Just putting thoughts on paper.. electronically.

I will come back to this blog as I think it is easier to write things down and then just take a minute and read it.. again... and again... and again.

[itsnonamegirl]

Never chase a Man. If He wants you, He will come and get you.

Men are natural hunters; they go for what they want. If a man wants to be with you, he will pursue you and make you his. If he wants to marry you, he will propose. The right man will never leave you wondering if you are a priority. Men go hard for what they want, if he isn’t going hard for you then you aren’t what he wants. The right man will do everything in his power to keep his woman happy and by his side.

[itsnonamegirl]

Kissed my girlfriend at the top of the Ferris wheel tonight and under the fireworks. It was magical, she was magical

[itsnonamegirl]

Feminism

 Let’s talk about this controversial ideology that has brainwashed so many individuals.

I do not even know where to start from, as there is so much to be said. 

Let’s start with a definition, shall we? According to its definition, feminism is an ideology, a social movement which aims to advocate for women’s rights. Put it simply, feminism is the equality between men and women. Feminist theory is trying to understand the extent to which gender equality really applies in both social roles and real-life experiences of women. 

Now, I find this interesting: men and women will never be equal. First, it is common-sense and natural to say a man is stronger than a woman (in terms of physical power), as men are naturally built to be stronger. As opposed, women are made to be weak, to be graceful, classy, and to always be feminine. After all, no one likes a woman with muscles and with a manly character, right?

As followed by women being ‘feminine’, I ask you, now, how do you perceive a woman with hair on her body, with generous manly parts, with short hair (Cara Delevingne recently) and a woman who would show off her personal parts on every occasion with the ‘excuse’ that it should be normal to show off our parts as an apparent protest to sexism and to the fact that women who excite men are called ‘sluts’. Pardon me, but this is what I call an easy woman who does what she does for attention but in an unorthodox way... And yet, they are still ‘not asking for it’.

Look at Miley Cyrus and many other feminist celebrities that I used to appreciate, but now I only despise them. Look at what they have become. And the worst part is that media is promoting them and feminism. They think it is perfectly fine to be a feminist. It is normal and everyone should be one, according to media. Well, good news, feminism is cancer. 

Here’s a clear example of what feminism does: http://nakedceleb.club/index.php/2017/02/22/unrestrained-miley-cyrus-naked-images/.

If you dare to tell me it is normal and acceptable, please, get off my page.

Coming back to my second argument why men and women will never be equal. Second, of all, there is no way to deny it but to face reality. Some are smarter than others. That’s it, I said it.  Some are unfortunate enough to have a small amount of intelligence and there is nothing to do about that. They say gender pay gap is an issue in today’s employment and men earn more than women when doing the same job. Truth is, this is just a myth. Women tend to apply to lower jobs that are not ranked as high in the society than men do.  Moreover, men, in general, tend to dominate higher paying careers, whereas women tend to get less paid jobs. Women tend to earn less than men do because of the choices they make in their career and their willingness to work as many hours as possible. As professor, Christina Hoff Sommers said ‘this isn’t sexism, it’s just common sense’.

It is well-known that feminism is full of left-wing ideology and they are supporters of the lesbian and gay agenda.

However, what I find interesting is that, according to the radical left-wing gender bigot feminist, Ti-Grace Atkinson, you cannot be a feminist without being lesbian and without referring to married women as ‘slaves’ and ‘hostages’. These radical feminists such as Judith Brown,  Sheila Jeffreys, and many other names, believe that women are oppressed by men and that marriage and starting a family is about going into slavery and pure hell.

( “When a woman reaches orgasm with a man she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression.” -  Sheila Jeffreys).

I was curious enough to attempt read Atkinson’s article about vaginal orgasm and I couldn’t help but wonder ‘Ladies, who hurt you so bad when you were young and beautiful to hate men and sex so much?’. The whole article is absolute nonsense. Heterosexual sex is not rape and the woman is not put in a submissive position (unless she wants to) and laying down whilst waiting to be penetrated is nothing more than just normality because men and women have different functions, duh.

#feminism

[itsnonamegirl]

Holidays & memories

  Hello, my lovelies! 

So many things have happened lately. I am not even joking, but time does fly indeed! I have been thinking the other day, what shall I write on the blog today? There is so much to say, yet so little time and not enough words. I was struggling, shall I write about my life, a controversial topic such as feminism or just a random topic like a book? I could not decide. It is so difficult because I have not been writing on here for so long, and I feel that I have lost it. I forgot how to write. It is easy, but it is difficult as fuck. Perhaps, I should just talk about what I have been doing lately.

Work work work work, uni,uni,work,work. This is basically my life. To be honest, I haven’t worked too much lately at uni, because I am just bored and fed up of it. I had a few good weeks with no motivation or ambition whatsoever. I just felt like the most useless person on Earth. I was sat there thinking, I hate my course now, I hate my job, I hate my house. I even hate myself. I just couldn’t be bothered to be active. Socially active, morally, anything, really. I felt tired, exhausted, I felt my life is tearing apart. I do not know why, maybe for some of you it might sound dramatic. 

- ‘Look at this girl, she has a job, she goes to uni, she has a family, she has everything some of us could wish for’. Truth is, it is true, unlike others I am lucky to even have a job really. I often think about unlucky people who are living in poverty and cannot even put some bread on the table, yet I seldom think about them. I am so selfish and careless, yet so caring. I only care about some things, I do not give a shit about important things. Like yes, I pity them homeless people or not-so-lucky, but question is, does anybody pity me? Yes, I do have a job, I go to uni and work and all that shit, but nobody thinks of me. So, why should I pity them? I know it is a mean thing to say, but that is the truth. Everyone wants to be something they are not. Just for the sake of it. Just for society’s eyes and requirements. Truth is, nobody actually cares, and it is a perfect rationale thing.

Nevertheless, I deviated from the subject. 

So, what has actually happened this term? Last year, I always worried about who my friends are and will remain this year. I always thought nobody likes me and the friends that I had back on campus are just hanging out with me because we are on the same flat and it’s just easy to do it. Now that we have all moved to different houses, I thought I would lose them. They wouldn’t care and just ignore me. And I said to myself last year, if they want to do that, I will accept and respect their decision. But truth is, it wasn’t meant to be this way. Things have changed. We became more closer than ever. And that my friends, is when I realized that people do come and stay sometimes. They just do not leave you because you are different (other nationality), have different principles and concepts or just because you moved to a different country, or in my case, different house. Last year I felt many times ‘under a cloud’ or just aside. I did not understand why. Was it my personality? My thinking, my ideas, what was it? What was wrong with me? But it just turned out, last year’s friends were gonna last forever. At least, I hope so. Doesn’t matter where our lives go, I do hope we will remain friends forever.

 We are a big family like one of those episodes in Skins. They are all mental, they do a lot of drugs, wrong and right things, but in the end they all remain together. I always imagined my life one day like in one big fat episode of ‘Skins’ I loved that show and I will watch it anytime. 

Me and Luke? It happened so quick, it was so spontaneous and unimaginable. This is what I would describe our relationship. Also, adventurous. We have been together for 2 and a half months now. We are nearly going to be 3 months soon. Yet, we have done so many things together for only 2 months. Who would have thought? 2 best months of my life. We are so alike. When I look at him, I often imagine the male version of myself. I often think ‘If I was to be a boy, I would look, act and be like my boyfriend’. It is just something about us. We have never had an argument, we get along so well, we respect each other and we understand each other. We also have the same principles about things, we agree with so many existential controversial topics which most of the people would not agree with. I have a good feeling about this relationship. I have never had such a feeling before. I just think it will last. And oh dear, it will last for long! I know it, I can just feel it. He took me out on a few dates which were so lovely. We went to Dublin together with our friends. I am telling you, I never went abroad on an actual holiday, only once. It was more like a trip actually, rather than a holiday. I only went for my prom after I finished high school in Bulgaria, but that is it. But I am telling you, it was the best trip ever in my life. Although, I do not know if it was because we were all there, my closest friends or because it was just him. One thing I am sure of: he made the trip lovely because he was just there. It was such an amazing trip, we had so much fun. Until the next day when I got rid of all that Guinness from the night before. It was funny though. Thinking of it now, it just makes sense. Everything.

We also went to London for Winter Wonderland. We went on the Big Wheel, it was so sick. Such a couples’ activity to do as well hahaha. I am so grateful about this relationship. The way it happened it is just cute. We went out together one night and we just got with each other. As simple as that. And the day before before I left their house, he kissed me on the lips. I think it was involuntary ,but still, so precious.

I never knew I liked him. Never seen the full picture. Genuinely like someone. I was so blinded by chasing and liking a different guy, that I have just neglected the fact that what I am looking for it’s right there. In front of me. I could never see it. After I was over him,things started to change. And at the beginning of the second year when I went to their house, I could feel something would happen. I even remember seeing him when I went to their pre-drinks that first night. The night when he also kissed me as a good-bye when I left to go home. I could feel something, the way he looked at me. I gave him ‘the look’ and tried to engage in conversation with him. ‘How was your summer?’ I asked. We did not speak a lot that night though. I remember having a conversation with Yvan about relationships, and whether I want one or not. I said ‘I want one yes, but I won’t look for it, if it happens, it happens’. And so, it happened! And that summer I was so miserable, I wanted someone to share my thoughts with, someone to like me, someone I can cuddle anytime of the day and watch boring romantic films with. Only, joking about films, I hate dramatic and romantic films. They are just not my cup of tea.

When I look back at it now, it does make sense. All of it. We both liked each other last year. I was too blind to see it. I am taking the guilt for everything. And I was also confused because I did not know if whether he is looking for anything serious or not??? Was it all in my head? I never imagined him being in a relationship, although I knew he has had one before. A serious one. I just could not see him in a relationship I guess?? And I mugged him off a few times as well. There was one time he went in my bed and tried to get with me but I mugged him off so bad. I pushed him out of the bed and I did not want him there at all hahahahaha. It is just so funny when I think of it now. And we spent Summer Ball together at one point. We went everywhere together, in the Ferris wheel, the bumper cars, the waltzer, the twister, we even went in the Bouncy Castle hahha! It was like a comeback to childhood, such a good and funny night! That was like our first unofficial date.

There is a lot to say about us, so many feelings, so many memories. And there is more to come! We are going on holiday in my country in February for my birthday for 6 days. How good is that? It is basically that I will come back to uni on 14th of January, stay there for 2 weeks and then come back on holiday here. I do not care that I will miss uni a few days, I will catch up. I hope he will like it here and we will have quality time together. Also, my parents will get to see and know him.

I miss him so much. It has only been one week and a few days, but I miss seeing his cute little face. I miss his hugs, especially in the morning when we wake up and he holds me so tight and that is when I know I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him.

-That is when I know he will never let me go-

#personal #boyfriend #holiday #story #memories #dublin story

[itsnonamegirl]

Uni life 2nd year

Right, so where was I? Oh good, my life is perfect. It isn’t as perfect when you have so many deadlines and essays over night. Well, that was this week anyways, I have survived. I just had a little mental breakdown tonight, I started to cry. I do not know why, I am stressing way too much. It’s just that I have so much shit to do and I just cannot follow it. I feel like I am lost all the time and having a job and catching up with  uni, I have no idea what I am doing.

Everyone is going out tonight, including my boyfriend, but me.

I like him so much, he is such a sweetheart. He is the most amazing thing that could have happened to me. I am so grateful.

[itsnonamegirl]

I am just doing very well right now and I am very happy. I have a boyfriend, first of all, I just got quite a decent job in uni, I have friends, jobs, I am so happy right now. All I miss is being extremely rich and having loads of Valentino’s shoes and bags, but other than that I am very happy at the moment.

I just feel that for once in my life everything is going how it is supposed to go. Everything is perfect right now. I do not have words to express my happiness right now because I am afraid tiredness has took over me, but deep inside I just want to jump and scream very loud. That’s how happy I am right now. I hope this happiness will last forever. Maybe not forever because we all have ups and downs in life and we all feel that we will crack at one point both mentally and psychically.

I had and still have sometimes so many anxious moments and I feel that I won’t be able to do everything that I want, I have so many responsibilities right now, it is actually ridiculous. I have like 2 jobs, the support worker one and now the Student Ambassador one at uni, I am being an Open Portfolio Officer uni which is a lot of responsibility. I have uni that I have to deal with, assignments and a lot of coursework which is due in one month from now. Now I have a boyfriend that I fancy so much, he is so lovely (he took me out for dinner the other night omg). I have friends which turned out to be family. I have everything that I could wish for. Again, I am not rich ( YET, WHO KNOWS?) but, other than that I am very happy. I told my mum about my boyfriend today, she was like, I knew it ever since you told me you couldn’t go out Saturday because you were passed out and he took care of you. 

But the most important thing of all.... she said: ‘If you are happy, I am happy <3′.

 One thing is for sure, I will definitely not stop here, I will continue to do loads of stuff, find new jobs, meeting new people everyday, be active at my seminars, study, work hard play hard basically. That is my motto for now haha.

.... Untill then.... See you soon X

#uni #happy

[itsnonamegirl]

News, news?

Hello,lovelies! Haven’t really been active on here for ages. Basically, what has happened is the following: been working my ass out this summer, managed to save some money which is good. Mum came in the UK to live with me but she didn’t adapt and she didn’t like it there so she returned back home. So basically, my life has come to normal after I come back, I will be lonely again,lol. Have to cook, do the washing on my own, shopping and so on. I’m already used to it so it’s fine.

Another thing is.....  I returned back home for holiday with mum!!!  I managed to go to the Black Sea and I think we might go to the mountains as well for a couple of days. Btw, I am a bit black now lol.

Anyways, I will go back in the UK to uni on 27th and oh gosh, there are so many things I have to do this year. It is quite annoying really. Like, when I come back 2 days later on 29th I’ve got a meeting with the SU president cus I’ve been elected to be one of the part-time officers and I’ve gotta start work there. And then I will go out with them to bowling or something like that on 30th.  Then the freshers week starts on 2nd of october, so I will go to a few parties that week, a few days in a row. Good thing I’ve got free entry because I’m part of the staff, otherwise I would have to pay like 40 quid for entry. Maybe more. I also have to do immediately shopping after I come back the next day and then go gym and renew my membership. But it’s not too bad, i can go shopping with my housemates hopefully. And then uni starts on 10th of october, and then also I’ve gotta work a minimum amount of at least 13-14 hours a week in order to pay my monthly rent and utilities which means I’ve gotta to work like 2 days a week which is not too bad. Not that I enjoy my work in particular tbh, I don’t really like it but till I find something better I will do it meanwhile. Hopefully, I can get one of the god damn frontrunners jobs, fucking hell, been wanting one for ages but I just can’t seem to get one ffs. That would be amazing if I could get that job or any job in uni really.

And then it is quite frustrating because the sabbs for the SU expects me to do loads of things but I’m sorry but I don’t get paid to do this shit,it’s from my time only and they just expect loads of things. Anyway, I can already feel that is going to be a busy year with loads of responsabilities. 

Nevertheless.... 2nd year of uni, oh my days, it’s absolutely been so incredibly fast, I still remember the first day I went to the UK to study, I was so tiny and so scared and I didn’t know what is going on and I was quite shocked about what is going on because it was a new environment. New people, places, language etc. I still remember that the first few days I was absolutely shocked and when I woke up in that bed I was like ‘ Am I actually here?’ haha.

This is pretty much it really, for now, going to the mall now to buy things so I shall write here a bit more. See yaaaaa

#uni

[itsnonamegirl]

Dreams... fantasy, reality or your worst nightmares?

I’ve got some strange dreams lately. Like, my subconscios is acting in a weird manner. So basically, 2 days in a row I’ve dreamt the same person. Yes, that person is Dec. I don’t understand, of course I still care about him but I’m over him. Plus, I’ve been so busy with work lately, I barely had time to relax. 

So, the first dream was that he realised that I am ‘the one’ for him. And then he sort of started to get back with me. This dream was the one from the other day. The second one was when I saw other people that I used to be best friends with from my country but now we don’t talk anymore and I saw him. The weirdest thing ever is that I saw his mum too in the dream. I don’t remember if I’ve seen her face but all I remember is that we were on the beach along with my friends from my country and he and other english friends came along and then his mum was there and he started kissing her on the cheek and hugging her like he hasn’t seen her in years.  This is very strange given the fact that his parents split. And yes, we had conversations about him family because I was curious to know what is going on. Normally he doesn’t share anything about his family unless you ask him.

Anyway, I remember asking him so where do you stay the most, with you dad or mum and he said mum because she lives in Leeds and his dad in Nottingham and Leeds is basically home to him as he lived his life there.

I really don’t understand why would I dream that. I mean why would I dream his mum anyway. I guess it was just a dream after all.

#dreams

[itsnonamegirl]

[itsnonamegirl]

Mum is moving with me

Cannot believe there is less than 20 days and my parents are coming to visit me. And then my dad will stay for like 2 weeks and then leave. And I will stay with mum. Alright, do not get me wrong, I love my mum but I think she is just a bit unfair playing her role here. Like, I do hope she won’t create any ‘trouble’. I mean, my friends already think I am a weirdo because she is moving with me and I live with students because at the university no parent lives with their children. It just feels weird now that I am thinking about it. Like, I won’t have the same privacy again, I will have to share my double bed and my room. Then on nights out, I am not saying that I will stay to a boy’s house or anything because I am not the type but what if I want to bring a boy over my house? I am not saying at night, just in general. I would have to tell her, mum, go away? It will probably be weird. I am not saying I do not want her to move in with me, I just feel a bit unfair because of me because the fact that I will be the only one living with her mum. I mean, I understand she is coming here for me, to help me financially and in any way possible, but still... Like, I would not want her to question me all the time or stuff like that. It is not in her nature, like she did not used to do this back at home but I don’t know.... Because my first year, of course I have not told my parents every single thing that I am doing like going out or doing that or doing that, I just summarized what happened throughout that day or told them like every 2-3 days maybe. 

Maybe I am feeling anxious because she has been talking to me a lot lately like chatting, because now that she does not have a job because she quit she is bored and she keeps asking me questions or wants to talk to me. And I get really angry sometimes because I just do not feel to chat with her or I am just tired or just want to sit alone by myself, you know? This is exactly the same thing I fear if she comes here. But, one thing I know for sure is I will be selfish this time. Because this isn’t her country, it’s mine. Like, figuratevely speaking. I am nearly 20 and she cannot control me anymore, whether we are talking about money issues or just stuff in general. I was very good in my first year, I did indeed spent a lot of money, but still, I survived. I had time to relax, party, live and study. I swear to God if she says one thing about the fact that I am either going out to much or should focus more on studying, I would be angry. 

Because for one year I lived my life the way I wanted to.Nobody stopped me to do anything, I went all by myself everywhere, and she is not allowed to do or say anything. As I said, I am being selfish this time, and if she acts weird, I might have to kick her out. I hope this won’t have to come up, but I have changed very much and I think it is time to be selfish, really.

I am now used to being independent, do all by myself,and I do not like to be questioned or anything. If I need to tell her that, I will. It’s not like she comes here and make her own rules. I think it’s time for me to make the rules from now on. 

I had a chat with her the other day about the fact that I will go to America and maybe even move. And I think that she panicked and said that ‘ I know I am being selfish but I think it is best for everyone for you to stay in Europe’. I was like, mum, it’s not like I am moving tomorrow. There is a whole process. It is not that easy. It takes time. I first need to get a visa and then figure it out how to get there, find a job maybe, an opportunity and then move. I cannot just go there like in Europe. I said that I will do it one day. She just does not understand that I do not fear moving to a different country again. Switch it on again. Go America. Canada. Move again. I would love to move to a different country/state. She just thinks that I will stay here forever. I mean, one day I will have a boyfriend, what will happen then? Sometimes I feel that I am treated like a baby, that I am too young to go out and see the world or experiment.

Nobody could stop me. If I had the opportunity to move to America tomorrow, I would, because, why not? I would not care about the fact that my mum does not want me to be that far or other shit like that. I want to see the world and even if my mum would be pissed at me or angry and would not want to speak with me for the rest of her life, I would say ‘ok, it’s fine. your choice’. I know I am being selfish but it is in my human nature. As I said, I like to be independent, I like to see things. I cannot wait for a blessing or something. I am done with that a long time ago.

Oh, and one more thing. I do not think that she is coming here just to help me like financially, morally. I think she is coming here for more than that. She wants to sort of keep me safe and make sure I do not do anything wrong, maybe? Well, here is the thing mum. I am not saying I am a grown up and I’ve seen things in my life. I still have a lot to figure it out. But one thing I know for sure. I am already used of being independent, so you better stay out of my way while you are here, because otherwise I would be mad. You cannot just protect me anymore. I am not a baby anymore. I think I have come a long way to where I am right now and I can manage to take care of myself.

[itsnonamegirl]

Leaving towers

Leaving towers was not as hard as I thought it would be. I left today around 8am. Right now I am at my friend’s house and I will stay here for the next 6 days because my contract starts on 1st of July. She is so lovely for letting me stay at her house. Otherwise I would have to pay rent elsewhere. 

She has got such a beautiful house. And the garden is huge. I wish I had one of these houses next year. Our garden is not even half as her garden. It’s so small and the grass needs to be cut because the students that live here already I do not think they ever cut the grass. I take fully responsibility to be in charge of the garden this year. I will make it beautiful and nice.

Anyway.  It is a bit strange leaving towers and moving to another place. I am so used to towers now. I will definitely miss it, but hey, this is life, right?

I wanted to say that I think that I am such a lucky person. I have got such good friends. It’s actually unreal. I mean you would not expect a foreign person (or immigrant, EU referendum) like me to have such good friends. I would not expect it either. I never thought when I came to England that I would find such amazing persons here.  Because when you think you come to a different place, different country, you are surrounded by strangers, nobody’s gonna help you, right? But it was not like that. In fact, it was not like that at all.

I had so many help from friends throughout the year. And I believe this is what makes life in a different country amazing. Not the experience itself. Obviously that as well. But the friends are those that count because without them you would not have the experience itself. And the close friends that actually help you when you need it are those who matter. Not just acquaintances or people I have seen throughout my stay in towers. Those are just people. Friends that will help you when you most need it, desperately, those are these amazing people I am talking about.

-Without Ellie, I would not have stayed this Christmas in England, would not have seen London yet and other towns.

-Without George, I would struggle so much with shopping because he is the one that has got a car and has been giving us lifts to Tescos and went to do shopping together.

-Without Luke, I would not have won my campaign. He is the one who helped me with my posters and the campaign itself. That is why I made him my ‘personal manager’ and that is why I have won. 

-Without Niall, I would not have laughed so much when he entered my room every morning or wake me up to go to lectures and many other things.

-Without Kuba, I would have not leave my pillow to a stranger and my mug haha. 

-Without Lawrence, I would have not manage to move all my boxes to my new house. He is the one who came to campus just for me and helped me move and carry the boxes from towers to my house. And after that he refused to accept any money or beers from me.

And, finally, without Kitti, I would probably be still in towers now, have to pay like 80 quid for an extra week to be there. 

I love all of them and I think they helped me ‘survive’ in the most important moments of my life. Thank you. A big massive, thank you!

#life #campus #uni life

[itsnonamegirl]

Let me go

Isn’t it just scary how you are meant to have one job ‘all your life’?

Like, what happens if I don’t want to? What happens if I love more than one job and if I would love to do loads of things in and with my life? That’s when the real question starts, isn’t it? All of this because be live in a society where by we are constrained and indoctrinated to follow course of the life by being born, then going to school, primary school, high school, college, university and then after we finish university go out there in the world and find a proper job. Go to the interview, make yourself presentable, get the job, make sure you are friendly all the time, go home, have a wife/husband, maybe children, who knows?

Yes, this is indeed the flow of life.

But what happens if we don’t want it to happen it in that order? Or if we don’t want to obey to their rules and follow the system? What happens if we cheat the system? There are loads of questions to be answered. In order to get a job you need experience, and in order to have experience you need a job. So, what happens here? It’s so sad that we live in the world where so many corruptions and unwanted/unneeded politics are and the list of factors goes on.

Anyway. Back to the subject. As I said, I do not just want to be only one thing in life. I do not want to be like all them white sheep. What happens if I want to be the black sheep? And it is not that I want to, it’s that I need to. I have this constant undecided feeling inside of me. I know what to do with my life, I know what to do after I finish university, the question is another: Is that everything that I want to do? The answer is no, obviously.

I feel like I can give to the society back unlimited concepts. I do not expect you to understand me. Sometimes I cannot even understand myself. It makes sense in my head but then, it does not. 

After I finish university, I want to work in Marketing. All good, all fine, yes. Before I have chosen my course, I wanted to study Criminology (bear in mind that I am studying Business now). But then I said to myself: this might be one thing that I would love to do with my life. But then I said, is it well paid and easily to find? I do not think so. As a result, I chose to study Business.

Do not get me wrong. I love Business. I love my course. I find it quite easy as I have had information before from high school and I was familiar with it from the beginning. But sometimes I cannot help, but wonder, have I done the right choice? Yes, I think I have.

This is where my mind blocks. This is where my cells stops working. They do not connect with each other. It is not just because of Criminology. It is because I am scared that I would love to do so many things with my life but society does not allow it and so does not time. I feel like I would be very good in Business (anything to deal with accounting or financial reports) but then I would be brilliant in Marketing. I feel that I would make a great stewardess (even though I do not have the height) but I would get to travel and see the world as there is so much to see. I feel that I could be a very graceful ballerina. Have you even wonder that there are so many sports that you probably have not tried and you would be very good at at least one of them but you do not even know it because you never tried it? I sometimes feel that I could join the army even though I am a girl and just go out there, practice, use a real gun for once in my life, not just in video games. I feel that I could make a great lawyer because I have such a strange mind and I put information together so well that it is just ridiculous, sometimes even myself does not know how I do that. There are so many things I would like to do with my life and I struggle so much because some of them are so unrealistic that I would have to work so hard to achieve them. And even though I might want to be all of those things in life, where are you, time? 

Unless there is a time machine where you can basically travel back in time each time you want to start a new career and go through all possibly unimaginable careers and achieve them.

How are we suppose, as kids, teenagers, adults to know what to do with our life? I myself still think that I am a kid. How am I suppose to make the right decisions? There are so many questions that need answering. Sometimes I cannot cope with it. 

That’s it for now. After you read this article, if you do, I hope you see my point. Just do not think about me that I am a weirdo. I am just being realistic. 

-Me. The End.

#time #career #me

[itsnonamegirl]

Peak times

Had a very strange night last night. I feel so bad. Basically, here is what happened: I went with 2 friends at the bar, all fun and games and then we all went home. One of them boys messaged me after on facebook asking me to come with him to the shop because he is hungry and he has got no food as he just returned yesterday to pick up his other stuff. And then he is leaving today. So here is what happened: I went to the shop with him, he has got a pizza and four ciders. I was alright, fine. And then we went to his. Basically, it was nice, we ate pizza, he told me his life story (which is so sad by the way), and then we went to his room to watch Game of Thrones. I don’t watch it, he is addicted to it. And after it ended, he hugged me and then he started to kiss me. And I am not sure if he wanted to have sex, as he seemed like and he kinda started touching me and I kept saying ‘What do you think you are doing?’. 

All fun and games till I knew that he had a girlfriend but I wasn’t sure and I thought if he would do that he would obviously be single or break up with her. And guess what. I asked him ‘you don’t have a girlfriend, do you?’ and in that moment he stopped and he was like ‘I thought you knew’ and I was like WHAT and then he said wait wait let me think through it and he sat there like 3 minutes thinking whether he’s got a girlfriend or not. He wasn’t sure. The best part is that he wasn’t even drunk. And I didn’t know what to say, obviously, he felt bad for her and for me as well. And I asked ‘How long have you two been together?’ and he replied 3 years. 

Come on, if you love someone, after 3 god damn years you don’t just forget about them. Like you just don’t. You don’t kiss other girls and stuff like that. Like, he could have told me from the beginning, you know, I’ve got a girlfriend just to make sure. Like that was so bad. And I asked him whether he’s gonna tell her or not and he said he won’t. And I said to him ‘you do realise that a relationship is based on trust,right? I think you should tell her.’ And also, he said that she’s done the same with a boy at the uni, she kissed another one. And he didn’t even seem that he’s got any regrets about that. He was more like you know what, she’s done it, why shouldn’t I do it too?

Fucking hell, and then I left obviously, I didn’t know what to say because I felt so bad and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s relationship. No matter how much I love the boy or how good looking he is. 

And then he messaged me on facebook when i got home saying he is sorry and he hopes this won’t change our friendship and that he will tell her when he sees her.  And right after I went to sleep like 10 minutes later, I hear a very intense door bell and banging on a door. And then I was like, hang on, is this my flat? And I went near kitchen and it was indeed our door. I didn’t open the door as I didn’t want anything to do with him. And that kept for ages and I am positive it must have been him as it was 4 in the morning and there’s just me and 3 or 4 other persons left in this flat. So it was definitely him.

I just cannot understand people like this, I mean you’ve got a girlfriend/boyfriend just keep distance. I mean it’s fine to go out with someone of the opposite sex out or have a coffee or chill but that’s pretty much it, don’t be flirty and all that stuff because all these leads to nothing but trouble. 

Oh yeah, there was an odd moment when he touched me and I grabbed his hand and I said ‘no, what are you doing?’ and he said that he cannot read me and he is confused why I don’t like to be ‘touched’ and he thought it was whether I am not confident enough with my body or I don’t like to be ‘touched’. Well here is the thing, it’s neither, I have been hurt very much by a person in my past recently and since then I promised myself that I won’t open up to anyone unless I fully trust them and I won’t do the same mistake as having sex just to be over it. As I said in my last article, I am not this type of girl.

P.S. I am still trying to heal, I will never heal 100% but I am on my way there, at least I am nearly over him. It just takes time.  You know what they say ‘time heals all wounds’, although I disagree because I will always have these wounds inside of me. They will never be actually healed.

#time #wounds #peak times

[itsnonamegirl]

New house. New... START?!

As you know, my university is very popular among students from different parts of the world, and because each year the number of students who come to this university is massively increasing, there is no space for all of us to live in the campus. Therefore, first years got priority and then from the second year you have to find your own house and people to live with and basically move.That’s what I did, and I will be moving from 1st of July there, because the contract here ends on 25th of June. And yes, the 6 days I will live at my hungarian friend because I have nowhere else to stay. Anyway, I am very excited to move to my new house due to the space.

Guess who am I going to live with? A romanian, a half romanian, she’s more like german but she does know romanian, and a bulgarian lad, and obviously my mum. I didn’t want to live or deal with any romanians but I had no choice. I genuinely don’t like romanians. I believe that when you go study abroad, the purpose is to have new friends of new cultures, not the same people as yours. That’s why all my friends are pure british. I get along with british people very well and I am well proud of it. This is one reason why I don’t like romanians, even though I myself am one, but the 2nd reason is that they are all jealous and could do anything to make you miserable. They are all the same. I honestly hate them and can’t stand them. That’s why I never talk to them, I don’t want to deal with them. I hate them. Like, no offence for my folks, but they are all the same, they won’t help each other, they would say things behind your back and there are many other things to be said. That’s why, again, all my friends and close friends are british. Even though they might all be alcoholics, I don’t mind, better to have true friends than fake friends.

For instance, I will live with this romanian girl next year in the house and all she’s done to me so far is just trouble. And oh, forgot to mention, she is such a liar. Everytime she says something I don’t listen to her because I know everything is a lie. And we were supposed to live with another romanian girl but she dropped out because she is transferring to another university. Anyway, she’s been a big trouble as well, we had so many conflicts with her and I started shouting at her and I wanted to go and fight that bitch. And again, this is the reason why I cannot stand my folks, they are all just a bunch of idiots who are jealous of any achievement and would do anything to drag you down. 

It’s with strangers who I get along with.

[itsnonamegirl]

Drinking detox

Feels so good not going out and drinking. Like, don’t get me wrong, I like going out and drinking, but I think in this country drinking is sort of a problem. Like when I think about England, I think about drinking. In this country everyone drinks, doesn’t matter the age. When you go out you have pre-drinks before, basically you get yourself drunk or half drunk and then go to the club. 

Either way, ever since I came to England, like, I’ve been drinking so much. It’s actually ridiculous. I’ve never drank my whole life as much as I did here. Like, I think I’ve been drinking enough for my whole life in this 1 year. As a matter of fact, I don’t like drinking. Maybe that is the reason why I was so bad at the beginning. Because in my country, we don’t drink. I mean, we do obviously, but not as bad as here. And I remember that at the beginning when I used to go out, I used to drink a bit and then get wasted so quickly because I wasn’t used with drinking. In my country there is no such thing as ‘pre-drinks’ before a party. We don’t drink before going out, we literally just drink there, and we don’t drink to get actual wasted. At least, I never did. This is also why I had to many bruises at the beginning of my first year, because I used to get drunk so quickly and easily and I kept falling down and oh god, I was so bad! This is probably the reason Dec must think I lied to him. Because I remember at the very first beginning when we met each other, he asked me if I drink and I said no. Because I didn’t know that in this country before you go out, either you like it or not, you just drink and get wasted. And obviously, when I went out at first, I started to drink with them and to play drinking games and I was so bad, and he must have think I lied to him, that I obviously drink. 

But the truth is... I don’t like drinking. I mean, I think it’s normal to have a beer or some wine every once in a while, just enjoy yourself but not every time you go out. I just think it’s ridiculous. I mean, don’t these people ever get bored and sick of so much drinking? Like, how much can you actually drink? I’m thinking that you get sick of it at one point, where you can’t actually do it anymore. But not in this country. Not in England. This is outrageous of being sick of drinking and also if you don’t drink then you suddenly become a ‘boring’ person. Like, where is the fun in that? I don’t see it this way, as I said, personally, I actually don’t like drinking. I drink because everyone else is when going out, you can’t just go to a party and show up with water. Like, it would be a bit weird. But I don’t like drinking.

Nevertheless... another thing that I sort of find weird in this country is that everyone has got a problem with one night stands. Especially boys. Like once you get drunk, you go into the club and then pull someone and then, lucky you! See, I’m not this kind of person, I can’t just go to the club and pull. I hate one night stands. I don’t see a point in all that, I just think it’s pointless. Like, what, you go out, pull someone, have sex, the next day they leave and then you don’t talk to them ever again. And then you do this thing again and again and again. Like, don’t you ever actually get bored of keep having one night stands? Like, don’t you ever want to have an actual boyfriend/girlfriend that you can share things with and then obviously you can do all that as well. See, again, I’m not this type of girl, I just can’t do it, I have my dignity and I find it just silly really, like what, you tell your friends after that you had sex with I don’t know how many girls/boys and then you are proud? Well, in this case, I must tell you, grow up!

I know I’ve made some mistakes first at uni (Declan), I wrote so many articles about him. I know I have been played and stuff but I think since then I’ve learnt my lesson. And I think English people, especially lads should do it too. It’s so hard to find in England, especially at uni some boys who actually care about you rather than just using you for sex. It sucks sometimes. The end.

[itsnonamegirl]

Its not that I don’t like you, its that I’m not sure how you feel about me. People trick me all the time so I’m not sure. Just be patient as I decipher who you really are.

Pisces (via zodiaccity)