itsthinkagainstact

[itsthinkagainstact]

What is it with trains and crying ? Why is it that each time I feel overfilled with emotions, it's sitting on a less than comfortable seat that gives me permission to let go, even after a day of keeping the tears in check ?

Is it being surrounded by strangers who, hopefully, won't care past a concerned glance, won't ask questions ? Is it the limited length of the journey that opens a window of opportunity before going back to things to do and people to see?

Back in England, nine years ago, I would cry everywhere but especially on trains and buses, or at least, that's the memory I have of it. It's something to do with the liminality of being on the move. Maybe if the tears flow between here and there, points A and B, they don't count as much, don't weigh as heavy. God, how sad I was, having fled from my grief, to no avail; it had followed me straight to the other side of the Channel. How sad and how glad to be alone with my sorrow, away from real life and from people who would try to make it better when what I needed was time to myself, or worse, wouldn't try because they hadn't seen or understood the depth of it all.

I'm not that girl anymore, not 21 and adrift like that ship painted by Turner that'll forever make me think of that period of time. I'm not that girl anymore but sometimes I see flashes of her, in the face reflected by the train window, sky turning purple and cheeks glistening. I'm not that girl anymore but I know she and I will be okay in the end, on the other side of the journey.

-Thin Places 22.03

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #prose poetry #nosebleedclub #reading about grief #thinking about grief #grief #all around

[itsthinkagainstact]

30 ans, deux mois et un jour

Une fête parfaite avec les gens que j'aime, que les gens que j'aime puisque j'ai fait le tri et le tri s'est fait. J'ai l'impression que les cycles se terminent, les boucles se bouclent, je laisse s'envoler des choses -la colère, l'attente d'excuses, l'envie de comprendre- et je me laisse tomber dans les bras de ceux qui m'aiment sans condition, sans me demander d'être parfaite. Mes amis venus de tous les coins de la France et de l'autre côté de l'océan, pour être ensemble à nouveau, en vrai ou dans le coeur pour ceux qui n'ont pas pu venir. Les câlins et les rires et les cadeaux qui paraissent bien trop. Mais surtout leur présence, de tous ces gens qui sont dans ma vie depuis plus ou moins longtemps, quelques mois ou des dizaines d'années, qui sont si heureux d'être là.

Simon qui dit "Elle créé du lien la Lulu" et c'est quelque part le plus joli cadeau de la soirée. Je suis vue et entendue et comprise et aimée aimée aimée. Tous ces fils qui nous lient, qui passent par moi ce soir là, par mon coeur et mon envie que tous les gens que j'aime s'aiment aussi.

...

30 ans, trois mois et trois jours

Et la chaleur qui se dégageait de toutes ces interactions, ces câlins et ces discussions, qui reste reste reste, on en reparle au nouvel an, de la douceur entre nous et quelle joie c'était de se retrouver dans nos costumes de films préférés.

Et au milieu de tout ça, l'amour de ma vie qui a rendu cette trentième année si douce, qui m'a surprise dès les premières secondes de la journée et a mis des étoiles dans ma vie au dîner. Lui qui ne comprend pas bien l'intérêt de son propre anniversaire, qui a tout fait pour rendre le mien parfait. Lui qui s'est si bien glissé dans ce groupe d'amis trop pleins d'émotions, au milieu des baisers et des compliments qui continuent à le faire rougir.

30 ans sinon rien, on a trouvé notre équilibre.

#an unfinished one #words #spilled ink #friendship #mes 30 ans etaient incroyables #french side of tumblr #je les aime tant

[itsthinkagainstact]

You welcomed me with open arms and a bouquet of flowers, the first of many to come from what you told me. Kisses all day long and christening every room of your new place. Love all around and we've missed each other so fucking much we couldn't get enough of each other. The next few days spent with your hand in mine, your lips on mine, your skin against mine. Waking you up in my sleep to go to Florida in the middle of the night and being late because I can't leave your bed. Je t'aime

30.08

#words #24hoursopen #spilled ink #a love in the sun #your arms maybe #nosebleedclub #summer 2023 #a bit late with my last summer posts

[itsthinkagainstact]

This bed is too soft and I'm missing you too much.

20.08

#a love in the sun #your arms maybe #spilled ink #24hoursopen #words #a bit late with my last summer posts #summer 2023

[itsthinkagainstact]

I can't wait to get back into your arms.

It's been two weeks since we last kissed in that train station, my train was on time after a whole summer of delays, the only time I wanted it to be four hours late to spend more time with your lips on mine.

I feel like this summer has gone by too fast, has picked up speed in a way that left me feeling wrong-footed.

Greece was the perfect parenthesis in weeks of worrying about your move and my leaving for the other side of the ocean. Soft hands, loud showers, clear water and perfect sunsets. Waking up to your arms, ending breakfast with your mouth on me, cheesy pick-up lines and starlit night swims.

Coming back from Greece, I felt the stress of everything bringing me down and making us a bit desperate for each other, my brain shutting down my body with the fear of missing you too much.

I love this trip and proving to myself that I could go on adventures and spend money on experiences rather than just worrying about it. But I wish you were there at every turn, every new skyscraper, every new city and waterfront. I want to point out every tiny detail, tell you any thought that comes to my mind in this strange, strange land.

Keys - 18.08

Calling you last night and seeing your face was a relief and a curse. You looked so soft in your bed, (y)our cat next to you, just listening to my stories and smiling for an hour and a half. Hanging up, I could feel the tearing of my heart, the part that lives with you calling for its twin to come home.

The sky is wider here but it's no comparison to the size of my love for you.

I can't wait to be back in your arms.

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #nosebleedclub #a love in the sun #your arms maybe #summer 2023 #a bit late with my last summer posts

[itsthinkagainstact]

Un bain de minuit aux airs de slow, tes mains sur mes hanches sous les étoiles, la lumière des bateaux pour éclairage.

Les vacances de rêve sur une île paradisiaque, où l'eau est si claire qu'on peut compter les poissons -On peut dire que je ne nage dans le bonheur- tu me fais rire aux éclats avec tes déclarations quasi spontanées, les clichés du romantisme niais qui me font tout de même fondre.

On se regarde avec un émerveillement partagé, heureux de voir que l'autre existe et qu'il est là, à portée de caresses et de baisers.

Tu me vois si belle que je ne peux qu'y croire; même quand moi j'en doute, tes yeux me contredisent.

L'amour dans les Cyclades, le soleil sur ta peau et ta main dans la mienne.

Spicy Rita - 21.07

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #a love in the sun #love #prose poetry #kinda #your arms maybe #summer 2023 #french side of tumblr #poesie

[itsthinkagainstact]

The sun in my eyes, on your couch, your face my only respite from the June brightness and still, I get dazzled by all the ways your touch ignites me.

15.06

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #poets on tumblr #love #a bit late with my last summer posts

[itsthinkagainstact]

Black moon and great love, our friends telling us how deeply they love us, as individuals, in tiny pockets of conversations, my magic lightbulb turning everything pink and soft, specks of red and blue on our faces when we talk about growing with each other, because of each other.

We talk about our beginnings, about the fear when navigating taking care of the people you love, you're starting to love, when you see them drowning and the joy when they resurface, pulled by your hands, head out of the water.

And they all told me about you, about us, how they were so glad we found each other, how we have to stay together until the end of times, that's how strongly they believe in us.

And before we went to bed, leaving them all in my living room, the boys piled up on you, telling you how beautiful you are, how funny, and kind, and how happy they were to have you and I could see how moved you were with the pink on your cheeks, freckled by the first few rays of sun.

When we finally found each other under the covers, music still loud in the other room, we talked about what we had heard all night long, gazes locking from different corners of my appartment. We talked and talked and talked, about how deeply in love and contented we are, about our lurking fears, sexuality and hurting each other, about our flaws -and how we don't have any - about the list of qualities we find in each other, the ability to laugh at ourselves, the ability to be soft, to be here. About how lucky we are, truly, to be together, right place, right time.

I love you.

20.05

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #love #twcpoetry #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #snapshot of loveliness #friendship #i'm so in love #I'm so loved #itsthinkagainstact

[itsthinkagainstact]

Unperfect, un- not im-, as in something that once existed but got taken away, as in the stripping down of my perfection, what was expected of me, when one misstep led to my downfall because how could I ? How could I not be flawlessly selfless, how could I dare being less than deeply devoted to everyone but myself?

I saw my world crumble because I had the audacity to almost make a mistake, not allowed to doubt, to grieve, to let go without threatening the balance of our seemingly perfect microcosm.

Un-, not as in the opposite -unhappy, unable, unholy- but the reversal of something that once was -unlocked, unfolded, undone- a rebirth camouflaged as heartbreak.

You love me unperfect, what a relief.

3.05

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #twcpoetry #love #poets on tumblr #your arms maybe #a love in the sun

[itsthinkagainstact]

Still so soft around you, sleeping intertwined, your hand on my hip, grounding me in this reality, the one where you're just so glad I exist, not the one made up in my brain, that you'll just stop finding me interesting one day. Celebrating a whole year together with the waves in the background, sending you selfies in sparkly dresses when I miss you, discovering cities under the sun and forgetting how to undress myself, help me with the buttons, help me with the soap, help me with the too hot water. A year and a month on Valentine's Day, white wine and melted cheese, the quiet after a perfect storm, falling asleep in your arms, tempting fate on going to work when phones and alarms are too far from the bed to make the effort of leaving each other's warmth. I'm just so in love with you.

15.02

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #twcpoetry #love #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #snapshot of loveliness #nosebleedclub

[itsthinkagainstact]

I always said I wouldn't want to survive the apocalypse, but with you, for you, maybe I'd try.

Maybe I'd fight for a chance to grow old together, I'd fight the undead, I'd fight rival gangs, I'd fight my own fears.

Maybe with you by my side I'd accept the fate I've predicted, again and again, burdened by leadership, then a knife to the ribs because power, even unwanted, brings envy.

But then maybe I couldn't take the fear that would come with the possibility of losing you, of seeing you leave, one way or another. I couldn't have you lose me and live through the pain.

If the world as we know it had to end, maybe I'd just want to spend its last minutes in your arms, end everything with love.

3.02 The Last of Us

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #twcpoetry #The Last of Us #Tlou #love #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #post apocalyptic plans

[itsthinkagainstact]

The softest weekend getaway, room with a view, you and the sound of waves in the background. A restaurant all to ourselves and commenting on the size of each house on the way back. The best sleep in a while, feet touching under the covers, your breathing as my lullaby. Rich people cars and cinema stars, a downpour on the far side of the pier and laughing when we walk in puddles. Naps and hidden peanuts and you helping me with my buttons. Delicate black lace, strawberry dessert, and your eyes and your hands and the way you look at me the same when I'm in my pajamas. A day spent in bed, the sea on the other side of the glass and Etta James singing about her Sunday kind of love. I wish I could have stayed forever in your arms, listening to your heartbeat, falling asleep on your shoulder. Here's to all our future days in the sun. I love you.

One year in -15.01

#words #24hoursopen #twcpoetry #a love in the sun #spilled ink #love #your arms maybe #snapshot of loveliness #one year in #a sunday kind of love #so lucky

[itsthinkagainstact]

I only want to write about you, about the glitter on the floor after the party we threw together, about how you told me I was gorgeous in my sparkling dress but also in your tee shirt when we woke up. I want to write about how you make me feel, how you, once again, let me cry in your arms about how scared I was of messing it all up because I think I'd die if I lost you, about how when you asked me why you, I told you it was because you had done things the right way and really it meant that I didn't feel used with you, ever. I want to write about how right it felt to celebrate this new year together, kissing in Polaroids and laughing with our friends, whispering at dawn on the first morning of twenty twenty three, looking into your eyes and feeling how loved I am, how in love I am with you. I want to write about the glitter in your beard after the party, and on your chest from where I slept, and in the sink, on the table, down my arms, on the floor, in your eyes, in my heart.

New Year's Day

#spilled ink #words #twcpoetry #24hoursopen #love #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #snapshot of loveliness #spilled words #one year in #kind of #taylor swift

[itsthinkagainstact]

Nous, sur ton canapé, ma tête contre la tienne, ta main sur mes côtes. La même chanson que ce jour de mars où je me suis dit que j'étais amoureuse, toutes les paroles miroirs de nous, de nos mains qui se lient et de la beauté entre nous

"Mets ta tête sur mon épaule, joue avec mes doigts. " 1.12

#words #spilled ink #love #your arms maybe #a love in the sun #snapshot of loveliness #one year in

[itsthinkagainstact]

You said sorry for not having seen-understood how sad I had been, why I had to take time off work, and I can't believe you feel these things. As I cried in your arms, telling you how I was scared you'd get tired of my tears, you held me tight, so, so tight and told me to stop thinking you would leave me. You're not other people, not like the stupid ones that left me behind.

But they weren't supposed to be stupid, they all took me by surprise. Please don't surprise me.

You were so soft with my pain, so gentle with my fears.

You said I had a right to demand your attention, when I told you I didn't want to be needy, that with all the good things I brought into your life, it was the least you could give me. I think you give me so much already, but it's nice to know I can try to lean on you, openly and without guilt.

I love you so much.

29.11

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #twcpoetry #snapshot of loveliness #a love in the sun #your arms maybe #love #one year in

[itsthinkagainstact]

“Au point du jour, quand la lumière colore tes murs, bleutés et abricots se mêlent de l'autre côté de la vitre, et tes bras, le velours, De tes caresses, de tes lèvres dans mes cheveux, de ta respiration qui s'apaise à nouveau, ton coeur qui ralentit, mon amour, Qui grandit doucement, comme l'aube rosit le ciel et découpe les arbres à l'encre de Chine alors qu'on se rapproche, plus près, toujours, Plus près, et plus doux, ces jours qui se dessinent et ces jours qui se lèvent et ces jours qui s'égrènent, ces moments bien trop courts. Je ne quitterai pas ton lit tant que le soleil lui fera la cour. J'aime où nous en sommes, au point de notre jour.”

— Au Point du Jour - 13.03

#perfect dawn

[itsthinkagainstact]

I come back into your room and you're there, bathed in sunlight, your skin golden and warm under the tip of my fingers.

The ebb and flow of your shoulders tensing as I follow the lines left by the sheets down your back, up your arm, into the crook of your neck.

Leaving your bed never gets easier.

Fall Sun (1.11)

#words #spilled ink #24hoursopen #love #twcpoetry #snapshot of loveliness #a love in the sun #your arms maybe