listentomynoise

[listentomynoise]

Your energy is magnetic

It pulls me towards you

And I don’t even know if you feel it.

It’s the pull and push of two ends of a magnet.

Wanting to be near so bad, but in just the right way.

[listentomynoise]

I’m just looking for happily ever right now.

[listentomynoise]

No words could quite cover how much gratitude I feel towards you.

You were the mother I needed when I worked with you, the guiding star into adulthood I was missing.

I often think about you when I go to work or when I have a challenging experience. You approached everything with this confusing mix of anger and calm, wit and respect. You are such a good person, to those you want to be good to. And I was so lucky to be one of those people.

Thank you for taking me under your wing, for welcoming me into your family, for being the pinnacle of grace to me as I exist in the world.

Thank you, honestly it doesn’t even cover it.

[listentomynoise]

#130623 #original poem #metaphor #firework #breakup #love #love letters

[listentomynoise]

Your name comes up on my screen

And immediately I open my phone.

The thought of you comes into my mind

And immediately I’m taken back to a conversation, a feeling, a song.

You demand my attention, without even trying.

[listentomynoise]

#190623 #Spotify #playlist #music #poem #original poem #love letters #break up #words #spotify wrapped #poetry

[listentomynoise]

#300523 #original poem #growth #love #love letters #poetry #words

[listentomynoise]

Serotonin serotonin

Where for art though serotonin

(Co star told me to write a poem to myself today. )

[listentomynoise]

Confidence

Confidence is not something you have inherently. It is something you are taught, it is instilled in you.

I grew up overweight, it was reiterated to me time and time again that fat = bad. Fat = Ugly.

Then I grew up and was bigger than my friends, and I was not as beautiful in the eyes of society.

I had relationships with people that knew me well, friends that became partners. I was confident with them because I didn't have to pretend.

Now, if you are not overweight, fat, obese or any other descriptor, you wouldn't have ever had to make yourself small. My whole life, I was told to be thinner, quieter, less boisterous. My personality is fun, I love to laugh, I love to make others laugh. But that was wrong, I am meant to make myself smaller, in any way that I can.

So with these people, I got to be myself. The same self I am with all of my friends.

Then when I was single again, and the world switched to online dating, I could finally make myself small. I was well spoken via text, I was happy to speak on the phone, I was interested in anyone's interests...tell me more!

But then I went on a date once, and this guy never called me back. Then it happened again. And if you are happy with yourself, you think of all the things that it could have been, maybe they didn't like my laugh or they didn't think i was interesting.

For me, it was obvious it was the way I looked. Fuck, I wish I could go back and be confident enough to say "hey, why did you ghost me?" Maybe that would have been enough to instill some reassurance in myself. But now, dating seems too hard. It is going to be me, embarrased at the way I look, and then getting ghosted.

Someone asked me "why not have a one night stand?"

Because I can't be myself when all I am thinking is - this person isn't going to call me back. And I get that is the whole point of a one night stand, but I don't want that. I want some semblance of a connection. Not a forever one. Just one where I can be myself again.

I just don't want to go into anything if I can't just be myself. And so I put so much pressure on myself to lose the 50kgs that I need to be somewhat normal sized. So that if they don't call back, it's not my weight, its because I am a shit person.

It would be so nice to be rejected based on my personality for once.

[listentomynoise]

I just remembered how much time we spent together.

It was the first time I remembered it positively.

6 years later…. Better late than never?

[listentomynoise]

I feel like I’ve lost my words

Like the thing that I held on to for so long

Is just gone.

I feel like I’ve lost my words

Sensual, analytical, theoretical

To challenge, to excite, to engage.

I feel like I’ve lost my words

To myself, to others

About me, about them, about the world.

I feel like I’ve lost my words

As I have started to put them on paper.

As I have begun to reconcile them in my head.

[listentomynoise]

As we drive I watch the side of the road

A new brush, bush, grass or grain.

All growing in this red dust and dirt

Every shade of green you imagine.

And behind it, even more luscious fields of food

Grown and harvested with care and love

Water and soil

With Machinery and by hand.

I can’t help but compare it to the way I treat myself.

I can be good and just survive through this

My mind and body covered in a red dust

Or I can feed it with encouraging words

Work it with encouraging movements

And watch the grains grow

The pastures green

And the output, marvellous.

[listentomynoise]

I wrote you something.

A second to expel the build up inside.

An unsent letter, an unlabelled postcard

Drifting in the clouds with the other unsent letters.

You were but a drop in the ocean and I felt it like a wave.

To you, my friend.

I wrote you something,

It was a story of how I loved you

And how you left me.

[listentomynoise]

Comfort and safety feed my confidence

#confidence

[listentomynoise]

You ended it and make me feel like it was my fault.

You sent the message. I checked that it was something you wanted. I never said I can’t be your friend. You said it yourself, I’ve said it multiple times: I need time.

But you went and deleted me. You might feel hurt, but imagine how I feel. You have no empathy for shutting me down after weeks of me saying I don’t want to tell you how I feel because it will hurt too much.

I care so much about you. Still. Still I would do anything you asked. Why? Because I’m dumb. Because time and time again you’ve shown who you are and I’m addicted to this part of you I know exists.

You should know that I have fantastic memories with you. And that’s over this tiny, miniscule, short exchange. You gave me so much. I wish I could tell you that. That I needed you and only you to make me a whole human again, who thinks themselves worthy of love and affection. I needed you and only you.

But you also said it yourself. You are selfish. You only think of what you want. All or nothing. I would have given you it all, but you chose nothing. I’m sad for losing you. But I’m sadder that you removed me from your life.

[listentomynoise]

Is Fred Again a nepo baby just because his mentor was Brian Eno and Brian Eno lived next door?

Or can we be just so grateful to get music from someone so talented, with the added bonus of him having a talented mentor.

This guy is blowing up so fast, but also deserving.

lucky he has people around so that we get this plethora of good music. That he is so inspired by this rich man life that we get to feel good listening to a song he made with his neighbour.

#ramblings

[listentomynoise]

It’s so liberating to say how you feel.

I wish I had the balls to do it.