moonlightgoddess13

[moonlightgoddess13]

Bed Time Thoughts

I wish I could put down everything going on in my brain. I wish I could just go off on my family and tell them how I really feel and how they’ve treated me my whole life instead of just complaining to my therapist about it because, let’s be honest, therapy isn’t really helping.

I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong. What started making my family call me a whore and when and how did I make them believe I’m stupid and will amount to nothing?

I‘m 27, married to a successful software engineer, have a house (which is farther in life than most of my friends and cousins), been with my husband for 10 years, no kids (yet), and about to graduate college and start teaching. Like where in my 27 years of life did I convince my whole family that I will forever be a failure even now?

I‘ve only ever dated one person besides my husband, and that relationship was so mentally and emotionally abusive that my family is lucky I’m even here at all. None of them know that though. Except for maybe my mom.

Every family gathering I’m reminded why I never show up between holidays. I’m the black sheep. No. I’m worse than the black sheep. "we don’t talk about Bruno” black sheep. Except I don’t hide and I’m just there to be ignored and insulted when they notice I’m there.

I know when I’m not wanted somewhere and that’s usually everywhere with my family. Sometimes I don’t even think my in-laws like me but those are different reasons.

I’m constantly thinking about every single thing said to me that implied something or straight insults that are obvious but mostly implied but they wanted me to know what they were saying.

I’ll never be good enough.

[moonlightgoddess13]

My Brain is Swimming

It's everyone's favorite time, when it's late and you can't sleep and your brain wants to think about literally everything bad. The regrets, the mistakes, the trauma, etc... Tonight it's about my dad. How he always had to yell at me or accuse me of something. Of course I mention it in the present and he has no idea what I'm talking about. The constant implications that I was always sleeping around, or the blunt "you're lazy, you're going to die early if you don't do something with yourself". First, I was not lazy, and I'm far from it now. I had a knee problem I eventually had to have surgery for. My dad didn't believe how much pain I was in, even when I had proof of my problem, like x-rays and MRI's.

The sleeping around thing. That was constant. As soon as I got a boyfriend my freshman year of high school (dated almost 4 years), he was always accusing me of being a whore. I don't know where he got the idea or how I somehow made him think this but this is where he went in his mind. Up until I got married it implied. Didn't matter how many times I said that I'm a faithful partner or that I don't have any friends, or the amount of time, which was 90% fo the time, I spent at home in room and the other 10% with my boyfriend, I was still somehow, apparently finding time to sleep around.

I was also always asked if I was doing drugs. That one still astonishes me because I've never done any drugs ever, not even weed, which that you can smell. So, the fact he thought I was doing any type of drug in high school confuses me. I also had no money, so where would I be getting these supposed drugs?

We've never had a good relationship and I don't see us ever really having one. I love him, he is my dad, but there was years of this. And this was just a summary. I never got an "I'm proud of you" or anything. If I did, then it was only once or twice in my life. Most of our interactions when I was at home was yelling at each other because he could just not, not pick a fight with me. It was always something. He could ask me which drawer the silverware was in, and he wouldn't believe me. Sometimes, my mom would have to step in.

It's good to get this out, even if no one reads it. It's therapeutic. I may not sleep tonight but at least I got this down and out of my system for now.

[moonlightgoddess13]

Cold Creek Pt. 1

It was supposed to be a fun trip. We were supposed to tour this small abandoned town and that was it. A fun scary thing to do for the weekend. Until it wasn't...

A couple friends and I wanted to do something fun for the weekend. We love pretty much everything scary and one of the things we love to do is explore abandoned places. Haunted abandoned places especially.

There's this small town called Cold Creek. I didn't even know it existed until my friend Glen did some internet digging and found it. We all thought it was awesome. Spend the weekend camping in an abandoned town. Not just any abandoned town. Cold Creek is home of one of the worst mass murders in history. I was shocked we never heard of it! The whole town was just slaughtered and no one knows who did it. We packed our bags, picked up Jeremy, by boyfriend, and left.

It wasn't too long of a drive. Just little over an hour. When we got there we had to park almost a mile away and get on this wagon pulled by a small tractor that took us to the town.

I was shocked that people brought their kids. I thought it would be too scary for them, at least to spend the night. But they all seemed happy and excited. If they were only old enough to know...

When we got to the town it was an urban explorer's dream. So many abandoned buildings. Graffiti everywhere. It was awesome.

The three of us got out of the wagon, set our stuff up between the abandoned apartment building and the old grocery store and went on to explore.

We went into the abandoned hotel first. There were 3 floors, half of the second was a dedicated kids room. The red, blue, and yellow wallpaper was peeling off, some of the wall was crumbled and you could see outside, toys were dusty and thrown everywhere with a kids table in the middle of the room. It was kind of creepy but the kids who were there loved it and found it fascinating thinking the toys were there for them. Parents scrambled to keep their kids from touching things. (There weren't a lot of kids, just a few, maybe 4 or 5.) The third floor was a bunch of rooms as you would expect. Some beds were made, some were not, some didn't even have beds. The TV's were old, I'm talking like tube TV's from the 90's. wallpaper missing in places, dust everywhere. Sometimes you would walk into a room and the lamp would be on. I thought that was weird but Luke and Matt didn't seem to think it was too odd. Luke said ghosts and Matt laughed, he doesn't believe in them but likes the adventures, and said that the place must still pay the electric bill so the guests can see. I was okay with either explanation. I like logic and ghosts. It started to get dark when we finished looking at the upstairs. We did another round, because why not? We have the whole weekend to look at the whole town. That's when the screaming started. At first we thought it was just people scaring each other but they just kept going.

#story time #horror story #horror #writing #short story #abandoned #murder #abandondedplaces #abandoned town #fiction #horror fiction #thriller #thriller stories #series #short story series

[moonlightgoddess13]

Late Night Thinking...

For those that care, I am pagan. I will get to that eventually....The church has some part in this. I grew up in a Christian household. I just did not find that it was something I wanted to do or be involved in. I actually hate the concept of organized religion. Too much politics. Just a little tidbit of who I am. It is a question I get a lot so there it is.

Sometimes I feel like I should write a book about my life. My whole life has been nothing but one unfortunate thing after another. From the child "slave" labor endured by my babysitter, to the narcissistic father, to the abusive relationship and almost everything else between. There is so much that not even my therapist knows all of it because there just isn't enough time in one session to go through it all. And I only see my therapist once a month so after the initial visit all is forgotten unless I bring it up.

I should point out also the type of abuse in my past relationship. It was mental. I was constantly gaslighted. Made to question my own reality. He was so good that even the dumbest excuses he made were believable because it all got turned and twisted on me and made me feel like I was crazy. "Why would I think that?" and "It's my fault either way." There was constant lying and cheating. Isolation. Loss of friends. If he had his way I'd be locked in the house with no money, nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Completely isolated from anyone and everything. I'm one of the lucky ones that got out. Maybe it was because of my age at 18. I don't know. But somehow I got out before I crawled back into my hole feeling sorry for something I had no reason to feel sorry about. Before I could un-convince myself to leave. He tried to trap me. But without me living in the same space I had the advantage.

Realizing this has made me think a lot about how I got out and how I am where I am today. Sometimes I think if I could go back in time and not go out with him I wouldn't but then again I wouldn't be here or married to the most wonderful person I could have ever met. Who actually loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Although I'm still scarred and it may take years of therapy to get over the abuse I don't think I would trade it for anything.

This is my first step to sharing and writing down everything. There is a lot, I'm not going to lie. But even if this helps one person, at least I helped someone. Otherwise, this is just me venting and essentially journaling. Writing my thoughts. I have nothing to hide. Not anymore.

#journal #writing #thoughts #fellings #life #trauma #past experiences #thepast #dear diary

[moonlightgoddess13]

I’ve started this as more of a therapy blog than anything. I’m told that I need to face my trauma rather than ignore it. I know I’m not the only person out here who has faced mental and verbal abuse. Someone who thought they could either change their abuser, too scared to leave or both for the longest time,p. I gave this person everything. My youth, my innocence, my soul. I gave more than I took and all I got in return was trauma and a never ending feeling of dread, low self esteem, and a feeling of never being good enough for anyone. 8 years later, almost a decade after I finally left the person that made me feel so worthless, I’m finally coming to terms with it. I don’t care if anyone reads these posts. But I decided to post my journey of self discovery, self acceptance, and hopefully some sort of mental healing from the years of ignoring this trauma, maybe I can help someone, even just one person through theirs while I’m also healing myself. I’m not much of a journaler but I am a writer. Maybe this is what I needed.