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occamy-who-aspires · 7 years

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Be Close to Him

(Ok, oh jeez, I don’t really know what I’m doing but have this thing it’s um, I guess technically a you x Newt?? One sided thing, angsty, with a little Hamilton inspiration on the side? I just had a little though that grew and so yeah, have this, I don’t think there’s anything to warn about minus angst- it’s kinda long though, hope it doesn’t hurt your eyes with novice-ness)

————

It wasn’t love at first sight.

It was confusion, followed by wonder, and a need to be close to him. To be impacted by his life. She mistook it at the time, for friendship. But what her heart wanted, turned out to be much more.

She had been there for Leta, and she would be there for Tina. If someone held all the affections of that kind from Newt, than they deserved as much, if not more so, her own admiration and friendship. Anything he chose always had a powerful beauty about it, a misunderstood breathtaking air about them, and Tina was no exception. Tina, in fact, was warm in all the places Leta had left cold, and was a wonder to talk to. She could see the way she made Newt feel, after being so close to those eyes for years she’d have to be blind not to witness the glow he took on.

She was so happy for them, she was so genuinely happy for their shared affection and all it would bring them.

So why, when she was alone, did she feel the hot sting of unshed tears, that then would track burning paths down her slack jaw onto the floor.

It was, she learned, because the feeling she had lived with for all of their years of comradarie, was not what she had taken it for.

She had always been slow on the uptake when it came to emotions. But this oversight shocked even her. It had been love, the kind that rips away your breath and can bring an effortless smile to your face. But that same kind of love, it’s side effects ignored, was what now came back to tear her apart internally.

She had felt that same tightening of her chest over the years, whenever he came closer than normal, or their hands brushed together. Or when he turned that look of giddy excitement, a lopsided smile, in her direction. However, only now, when he had hugged her, thanked her for something she had said to boost his confidence, heading off to speak to Tina, had she recognized it for what it really meant.

But, she mused, it was much too late for that. Several years too late, in fact. And as she had watched him scramble out of the case to confess, she had felt a key part of her break away and follow him.

Thinking back, she could enumerate many points at which she could have said something, if only she knew. If only she could tell herself, give her younger self the knowledge she had been given too little, too late.

If only she could rewind.

Rewind.

——

She saw the two of them their final graduating year, both filled with nervous laughter and pride. They’d made it, despite what many would call their best attempts at expulsion. In the following quiet, when the time for teary goodbyes to the school and to friends who had chosen differing paths came, they had found themselves standing in silence. There had been tension in the air, not of negativity, but uncertainty. Both knew that Newt was so sure of his goals and aim, while hers were undecided and varying.

Eventually, they had faced each other, and their gazes met, a mixture of emotions present in both graduates. Both at a loss for words, they simply watched each other, trying to form something more memorable then a plain farewell. Instead, Newt had simply reached towards her slowly, plenty of time to react, and pushed a stray hair behind her ear. A watery smile made its way onto his face as her breath caught. The slight contact left her cheeks burning, and suddenly the coming loss of her friend came crashing down upon her. Before she could cry out, however, he fixed her with a determined, if nervous, look, as she felt tears threatening to escape.

“Come with me?”

He probably had meant it to sound more sure, but his voice had risen near the end.

Of course, she had said yes.

She could have said a lot more, too.

But she didn’t.

——

Rewind.

——

It was their sixth year. The year that they thought would break them. The year he had almost been expelled.

She had been a mess, him even more so. Her distress brought her guilt, and a feeling of selfishness as well, coiled within her. Here she had been, distraught at the loss of Newt, when he had not only been unable to help the jarvey, but had been thrown under the bus by someone he had given his heart away to. Of course, he had taken the blame anyways, but Leta had taken her experiments too far, when he had explicitly told her that it would go sour. You had mostly done tasks Leta required on the side, never taking part directly. They had both said it was for your own good, and to make sure that one would be left to take care of the creatures if the other two got in trouble. You suspected that this was true, but that Newt found his alone time with Leta a good enough reason as well, not that you blamed him. Neither of you hated Leta, she was too important to both of you, but the trust between the three of you was gone.

Leta did apologize eventually, her embarrassment and guilt having driven her to ignore the two of you, mostly Newt, for awhile after the incident. Leta had been unable to bring herself to face the two of you.

Thankfully, Professor Dumbledore’s pleas had not fallen on deaf ears, and though the sentence remained on Newt’s records, the expulsion was never followed through with. However, the friendship the three of you had was irretrievable from what it had once been. Hellos and small talk was still traded, waves of recognition in the halls. But Leta drifted from the two of you, and found a new place to call home with other people. You didn’t blame her, you could see the guilt in her eyes whenever she looked at Newt.

In the moments of tears and the fear of losing him, you could have told him. That is what she told herself, even knowing that it wouldn’t have been right. Not with Leta fresh in his mind and him reeling emotionally.

In that moment, holding him close as they both shed tears, she could have said something.

But she didn’t.

——

Rewind.

——

She saw herself, in what had been their third year. The two of them sat together outside, away from the crowds and onlookers. They were laughing, and he was going on about the latest creature he’d read up about. Today they’d had Care of Magical Creatures and both still buzzed from their shared excitement. He’d stood up to demonstrate something, gesticulating wildly with his hands, but she was having a difficult time focusing. It was something to do with the way the evening light was striking him. He noticed the slight vacancy in her eyes, and leaned a bit over her, light concern knitting his brow together in a way that made warmth spread through her. She waved him off, not really knowing what to say, but as he attempted to help her up, their legs ended up tangled. Falling to the ground, both of them dissolved into giggles, hers cut short by a bout of unrecognizable butterflies.

She could have said something then, as they lay tangled in the dirt, his eyes bright and his smile brighter. She could have let him know how much he meant to her, how much he lit up her day, her life. That he was magnificent. And that she cared more for him than she ever thought she could.

Maybe they could’ve become something. Something nervous and new. Perhaps even beautiful.

But she didn’t.

And they hadn’t.

——

As she sat there, going over the memories they shared, from their first meeting, two first years finding each other by chance, to the adults they were now, doing what he had always dreamed of doing, her at his side as she had wanted, the witch couldn’t help but mourn all the missed opportunities. She had missed him once again, and now he was too far out of reach. Standing up, and looking around the case, almost in a daze, she saw all of the creatures he loved so much. Yes, she thought, she was at his side as she had hoped at the time, but not in the way that was wanted now.

She loved him, and that would never change, and so she would stay by him, by Tina, for whatever was to come.

Despite the bitter feeling that would linger, and the jealousy that would bite at her heart, she would always look fondly on Tina. After all, she had been late, and Tina had arrived perfectly on time. Besides, she couldn’t possibly blame either of them for her own blindness. Even if that blindness caused her such sorrow.

So she would guiltily find pleasure in his small, friendly affections. Trying to not extend her reach too far beyond platonic, and hoping that her Occlumency was good enough to keep Queenie from seeing what made her spend sleepless nights on bitter tears and that she desperately wanted what the legilimens’s sister had as her own.

All those missed chances would haunt her, they never wouldn’t weigh down on her what she could’ve had if only she had taken the initiative, if only she had known.

The ‘if’s and ‘could’ve been’s of her love life, and the strained smile when people asked why she hadn’t settled down yet. As they pointed out suitable young men, or mentioned friends of theirs, she could only laugh bitterly in her head. If only they knew.

She was there for Newt and Tina at their wedding, a bridesmaid. Jacob had been chosen for best man, Theseus jokingly offended, and Queenie of course was the matron of honour, having been married to Jacob in the previous year. Personally, she had hoped for the role of best woman, but was unsurprised when Jacob has been asked. Newt needed a friend who had experience in the whole matrimonial realm, and she was woefully inexperienced.

It was a lovely wedding, and she may cried maybe a bit more than what was expected, but they blamed it on the drinks. The two of them had blurred in her vision from tears as they said their vows.

They were each other’s light.

She merely got to stand in their combined warmth. And that was all she could ask for. It was all she had ever asked for, since the beginning. All she had wanted was to be close to him, but now a glass wall lay in front of her, a border she could no longer cross.

She smiled through the tears, and was grateful for not a dry eye present at the ceremony.

At least she would get to see him shine. Them shine, together, blissfully happy and lighting up the world around them.

She would be there to help protect that light.

#idk what i'm doing guys #i tried a write #let's see how it goes #have an attempt #newt x reader #newt scamander x reader #reader #fbawtft #fantastic beasts and where to find them #fanfiction #fbawtft fanfiction

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