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romanmacharoni · 7 years

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“Jackie” Movie Review

A Cold Death Meets Warm Reception

by Roman Macharoni

The death of President John F. Kennedy has become something of an enigma. The controversy and mystique behind his untimely demise can be compared to that of Jimi Hendrix, Kirk Cobain and Janis Joplin, of a person taken from us at the peak of their potential and life. “Jackie” — released Dec. 2 — singles out the week of his death, burial and memorial from a unique perspective: his wife, in the forefront of the swarming media as well as a country in mourning. But instead of sheltering her family and moving on, she displays her grief in a more... grander fashion, and by doing so she secured a lasting final memory of Jack Kennedy.

Jackie (Natalie Portman) is shown in varying degrees of grief, anger, shame and bright moments of fond recollection. Her fights with Bobby (Peter Sarsgaard) over the nature of the funeral are cold and distant, almost unnerving to watch. It feels authentic and bitter, but such is the nature of these kind of talks. It’s brutally sincere and clear-cut: there is mourning and moving on simultaneously. Her struggle with letting go and moving out of the White House is understandable yet bizarre in its presentation. The entire film has an almost eerie vibe to it, but ends with a slightly more optimistic note of the importance of legacy and the ideas passed on by those with the position to enact them.

As far as performances go, Portman does a fine job at depicting the First Lady. Her accent was a bit odd at the first ten minutes, but it became more comfortable and genuine as the movie progressed. The guy they got to play JFK, Caspar Phillipson, is picture-perfect. However, they don’t have him talk (unless it’s dubbed over by the real JFK’s voice), so the looks may have been the only reason they got him. To single out performances, John Hurt’s portrayal of a priest attempting to get Jackie towards the path to God is perfect. His talks with her are among the best parts of the film. Billy Crudup’s portrayal of the journalist to interview her is also a bright spot in the justifiable dreariness of the subject matter. Her at-first shrill nature is quite humorous as she slowly opens up to him.

The pacing of the film, though taking place in a relatively short amount of time, is slow yet methodical. The cinematography reflects this, taking the time to show the anguish of Jackie throughout. It highlights her performance and becomes an instrument of intimacy. It was undoubtedly a wise choice dictatorially.

I don’t often comment on sound design, but they did a great job with the authenticity of vintage tape playback, as there are scenes showing the recording of the White House tours by Jackie Kennedy, and the voices are dubbed and manipulated to sound like the real thing. This also hearkens back to my comments on Phillipson’s performance; his few on-screen lines are dubbed in this manner, and it look convincing enough because it was used with restraint.

The harsh reality of the 35th President’s death is competently and beautifully envisioned and placed on a pedestal in “Jackie”. It’s a fitting representation to the death and legacy of JFK, and a brutally honest depiction of a woman with such grace and vanity that she became arguably as big of a symbol as her husband. I’d recommend this to fans of biopics and historical pieces, as well as fans of movies that offer a clear view into the mind of a person with inner struggle.

Grade: B

#Roman Macharoni #Jackie #Jackie Movie #jackie kennedy #Jackie O #Natalie Portman #Movie Review #Caspar Phillipson #peter sarsgaard #Greta Gerwig #Billy Crudup

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romanmacharoni · 7 years

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The Best Songs of 2016

I know some critics say that 2016 was a bad year for music (and yes, it was, let’s be honest). We also lost quite a few great musicians too. The world won’t be the same without titans like Prince, Bowie, and George Michael.

That doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of awesome music out there. Quite a few songs set fire to the charts in more ways than one and really showed us that there are diamonds in the rough. There were 15 in particular, similar to my film list for the year, so here we go. These were the best songs of 2016.

First, some honorable mentions...

“Dangerous Woman” by Ariana Grande https://open.spotify.com/track/7l94dyN2hX9c6wWcZQuOGJ

The only reason it’s not on the list itself is because of its poor sense of pace. The build is way too monotonous and slow. The chorus kills it, though, as Ariana feels right at home hitting this sweet spot on the album of the same name.

“Chunky” by Bruno Mars https://open.spotify.com/track/0mBKv9DkYfQHjdMcw2jdyI

Bruno Mars’ newest album, 24K Magic (which title track is on the actual list, spoilers), has quite a few winners on there, but this sticks out as the second best of the album. Though it’s weird to refer to normal sized, curvy woman as ‘chunky’, it’s still a pleasant jam with a tight production as it plays to Mars’ strengths. The back-up vocals complement him well, and the keyboard adds some welcome spice to the composition.

“Adventure of a Lifetime” by Coldplay https://open.spotify.com/track/69uxyAqqPIsUyTO8txoP2M

I feel like this has become a commercial song (not that’s always a bad thing), but this is still a solid track. Delightful to listen to when you’re in a good mood. Coldplay isn’t what they used to be, but they are far from bad with this new direction. That guitar ‘drop’ if you will is trance-like and peppy. With all the slow stuff we got this year, it’s nice to have something like this on the radio.

“The Good News” by Bloc Party https://open.spotify.com/track/3FI3nRETDMfK3z9SQwfVZr

While bright and loaded with the religion-inspired direction of Bloc Party, this song has some needed grit. Those guitar on the chorus give this track warmth and something to chew on while you’re listening. Kele’s soft vocals pair well with the strings to create something wonderful.

“Play That Song” by Train https://open.spotify.com/track/3ZMFrvkNgwwMfPdX3aThYs

This is what “Soul Sister” should have been. Happy, short and sweet. Not great, but still an enjoyable song. That’s probably because Pat Monahan isn’t inserting his odd lyrcial nuggets in there (See in previous songs: “I’m so gangster, I’m so thug”, “Hefty bag to hold my love”).

“The Plain Moon” by The Besnard Lakes https://open.spotify.com/track/0p6DGv92OOuXu927xxlkmH

Call it bias (I did an article on them for coming to the Beachland Ballroom), or my apology for my editor messing up the headline for a story I did on the band (sorry again, if you’re reading this). Regardless, this song is the strongest track on “A Coliseum Complex Museum”, meshing a psychedelic flow with heavy guitars to create a haunting atmosphere. The vocals have the feel of ghosts, slowly moving in and out of the lush acoustics laid on thicker than honey. It’s a powerful jam in terms of sonics and a brilliant piece of music that honestly should have charted. Also, you can put “Towers Sent Her to Sheets of Sound”, reminiscent to a Beach Boys jam mixed with the usual psychedelic sound, on here as well. They’d be tied if this wasn’t an honorable mention.

You can read my piece on the Besnard Lakes here.

“East Coast Girl” by Butch Walker https://open.spotify.com/track/2PMRCXna6KCB5D5EVU3hzD

Consider this the unofficial #16 of this list. A modern fusion of personalities such as Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp collide in this cool little flashback track. Butch really projects himself in the chorus, opposed to his laid-back delivery in the verses. The storytelling feel to the verse as well places you into that throwback mood this song gives off.

Now, onto the list...

#15 - “Love Like That” by Mayer Hawthorne https://open.spotify.com/track/2pk8466VZtaO1QiiqaSJ8e

I’ve been a fan of Hawthorne for a while. His use of old and new conventions to create fantastic pieces of music has been on my radar for equally as long. His appeal mimics how Chromeo came on the scene in 2014. Of his three singles released this year, “Love Like That” feels the most fitting for the radio and this list. Its crisp production is paired with a bombastic chorus and tight percussion. Mayer clearly knows what he’s doing here. A strong song to start off this list.

#14 - “The Love Within” by Bloc Party https://open.spotify.com/track/35Qc5U57RCROGY3h2l0d51

Bloc Party’s “Hymns”, another re-invention for the decade-and-counting post grunge Brit-punk band, begins with a looping, weaving synth. It’s met with a thudding bass drum and Kele’s voice welcoming you to their new musical direction. And then the drop hits, and you know that this will be a fun ride. Very few albums this year start out this strong. I still haven’t heard anything like this so far. It’s just fantastic, and at the same time fascinating.

#13 - “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” by Adele https://open.spotify.com/track/3LGxef3inmn5jMLGDz9lqw

While I did enjoy “When We Were Young” off her album “25″ a lot, “Send My Love” layers her voice beautifully and gives her a unique platform to provide her heavenly vocal work and deliver a great performance. The minimalist nature of her music is a little less evident here, but it’s not overpowering. It feels more free than her usual mega-smash hits, which is why I decided to place this track on here rather than the aforementioned “Young”. The lone guitar providing the majority of the back beat is solid and quite atmospheric. And as always, Adele knocks it out of the park.

#12 - “Reaper” by Sia https://open.spotify.com/track/1usLCyaUZ2y0uoPmKj1uYo

So Kanye West helped out Sia for this song off her album “This Is Acting”. You can tell. The delivery is very close to West’s part in the previous year’s “FourFiveSeconds”, and Sia has the conviction to make it feel genuine. I guess her ‘acting’ is just fine for this. I enjoy the sing-a-long feel to this track and the flow of the lyrics in the chorus most of all. Sia can really let herself lay it all out on this one, and it’s probably why this was chosen to be a single off the record.

You can read my review of “This Is Acting” as an album right here.

#11 - “Same Old Blues” by Phantogram https://open.spotify.com/track/28iw1FqJf6Vnfl2Fcu9rBh

I made sure to not include non-charting songs (as in not on the Hot 100) out of my Top 10, as I try to focus on hits, but I had to include this one. Plus, their third album — appropriately entitled “Three” — placed 9th on the Billboard Hot 200 in late October, and this song feels like the star of the album, burning so bright that’s blinding. It’s an elegant orchestration with gorgeous vocal work, and a killer guitar break towards its conclusion. Phantogram have always been known to brilliantly deconstruct and build their tracks to create sweeping pieces of music, and this is no exception. A fantastic piece I can recommend to everyone.

#10 - “Cheap Thrills” by Sia https://open.spotify.com/track/27SdWb2rFzO6GWiYDBTD9j

From those of you who may have read my review for “This Is Acting” (link above), you might have seen that I said that the album was only slightly above average, a mixture of hits and misses. However, when Sia hits... it’s masterful. This one isn’t the most well written or put together, but it captures a feeling better than anything else on the album. I guess she’s been writing for Rihanna for so long that I can’t tell if this is her attempt to sound like her or Sia’s elements that she adds to Rihanna’s repertoire, but it works. This pseudo-island feel suits Sia as perfectly the odd face-concealing wigs she wears.

#9 - “Into You” by Ariana Grande https://open.spotify.com/track/2meEiZKWkiN28gITzFwQo5

The first four tracks of her third studio album “Dangerous Woman” are pretty stellar, a mixture of the elements that make Ariana shine among the other pop divas (Daya, you could learn a thing or two). This string of songs is capped off by this slice of polished and refined pop excellence. The structure and production screamed for this to be a hit, and the populous answered accordingly. Grande’s grand on this track (see what I did there?), belting it out and oozing with sensuality.

#8 - “Drive It Like You Stole It” by Sing Street ensemble https://open.spotify.com/track/2ZBiHAwdeCnrKvXap6Yzef

I don’t mean the other version with Hudson Thames. His vocals alone are… not as good as the original released with the trailer for “Sing Street”. The added filters to his voice as well as the back-up performers fit the mood of the bouncy instrumental a lot better. Simply put, a welcome homage to 80′s pop ballads. The beat almost has a doo-wop feel to it, fitting for a film that somewhat resembles an alternative “Footloose”. The final chorus breakdown is also what I consider hair-standing-up-on-neck pop perfection.

#7 - “Starboy” by The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk https://open.spotify.com/track/7MXVkk9YMctZqd1Srtv4MB

The Weeknd made my top spot last year (in a tie, too!) but this year there was quite a few acts who really stepped up their game, so here he sits. That doesn’t mean that this song isn’t kick-ass, though. Daft Punk found a great partner in ol’ Saturday/Sunday here, as they meld a tight and methodical instrumental to pair with Weeknd’s always fine-tuned vocals. Elements of Daft Punk blend with Weeknd’s usual darker tones to create a melody that manages to be glittery and haunting simultaneously. It’s an ear worm in the best way. The stars are far from the limit for this pairing; I really hope they try another collaboration.

#6 - “This Girl” by Kungs and Cookin’ on 3 Burners https://open.spotify.com/track/5D1swG82nVVngZLHOLbe0V

I’m placing the extended version on here because I believe it builds the instrumental easier without just throwing it all out there first thing. However, either version is solid. The original by Cookin’ on 3 Burners is nostalgic kick-back to blues classics, but this sped-up and pumped-up remix by Kungs gives this song some needed pep. And those trumpets, my God. They’re loud, they’re large and in control; they make this song an instant summer classic in my opinion. Best drop of the year, bar none. I can’t say enough good things about this song.

#5 - “Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake, Justin Bieber https://open.spotify.com/track/0lYBSQXN6rCTvUZvg9S0lU

DJ Snake has really stepped up his game. This song feels minimal but is structured perfectly for a satisfying experience. Bieber’s vocals are great here, it feels like he’s really found his rhythm in this song. The drop is pure bliss and quintessential DJ Snake. It almost feels sad, as it complements the nearly pleading nature of the lyrics. The build works around the vocals to spotlight them and let them complement the composition.

#4 - “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars https://open.spotify.com/track/6b8Be6ljOzmkOmFslEb23P

Mars’ “Unorthodox Jukebox II: Electric Boogaloo” “24K Magic” opens with a bodacious nod to Zapp and Roger before breaking down into the grooviest track of the year. It’s also prove that lightning can be caught in a bottle, as it models itself and improves on “Uptown Funk” from the prior year. Normally I dislike the use of his ‘posse’ back-up vocalists, but they a lot to this track and make it feel like a true ‘playa’s’ anthem. Mars feels so loose on here, just shooting the breeze, juxtaposing the tight, restrained composition. A perfect party-starter with endless re-playability.

#3 - “Redbone” by Childish Gambino https://open.spotify.com/track/3kxfsdsCpFgN412fpnW85Y

This is one of the funkiest tracks to come out this year, a mix of a tribute to Bootsy Collins and R&B slow jams with a modern flair. Glover has a tremendous sense of pace here, taking its time to build. His voice throughout is strange yet inviting. I find myself always going back to this song by any mood, it’s just a beautiful piece of music.

#2 - “I Took A Pill in Ibiza— Seeb Remix” by Mike Posner https://open.spotify.com/track/1MtUq6Wp1eQ8PC6BbPCj8P

Depression and optimism mix to create such a solid song. Mike Posner’s meaningful lyrics are better highlighted here with this punchy bass rather than the original slow acoustic delivery. This personifies a state of lull with sparks of excitement. Even the small things like the tambourine in the bridge (you’ll never not notice it once you do) and the voice manipulation add so many layers to the track. It’s just so satisfying to listen to.

#1 - “Lazarus” by David Bowie https://open.spotify.com/track/3Vn9oCZbdI1EMO7jxdz2Rc

This is the closest thing to a perfect song we got last year, and it came so early in the year as well. It stuck with me all this time. From the moment the drums kick in, it’s like a musical euphoria. This is where the dark scratches the surface of the light for me in terms of tone, a proverbial sweet spot if you will. The somber, beautiful saxophone pairs with a light funky bass and David’s brutally honest delivery. This is simply a masterpiece, a perfect final note for a career as varied and brilliant as Bowie’s. RIP Ziggy Stardust, even in death you showed us all what you’re capable of.

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romanmacharoni · 7 years

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Unedited Review: “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice”

Yes, I know. This review is LOOONNNNGGGGG overdue. But since I added this to my worst list of 2016, I felt I needed to give you my unedited opinion on this. This is what I couldn’t post in the Cauldron. Enjoy.

Batman vs. Superman vs. Studio Mandates

by Roman Macharoni

Original Grade: C+

Looking up in the sky is not a bird nor a plane, but a concept that may have sputtered and careened over the heads of comic book fans and critics alike.

It’s a clash of icons— and of creative control— in “Batman V Superman” Dawn of Justice”, released March 25, undoubtedly one of the more polarizing films in some time.

After the events of “Man of Steel”, the government is trying to monitor the actions of Superman. (Henry Cavill, who should have gotten a better set of lines to read), who has plunged himself into problems with unintended larger ramifications to global security and safety. This gets the attention of Bruce Wayne/Batman (Bruce Wayne, arguably the best thing about this film), who is suspicious of the Man of Tomorrow’s actions and devices a failsafe plan to stop him if the world ever was in danger of Superman’s power.

Also devising a plan is Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg, who is trying way too hard), who quietly manipulates and plots to make the world—and these two heroes—bend to his perverted sense of order.

There are several issues with characterization for Superman and Batman, but for the sake of brevity, Batman is portrayed with more realism and closeness to the source material.

I feel that director Zack Snyder has a primal understanding of the ideals of Detective Comics’ most iconic characters, but fails to present them as little more than reason to provide some admittedly spectacular visuals. Entire scenes seem to be constructed simply because Snyder feels it would look ‘cool’ on the big screen. This includes the abundance of flashbacks and dream sequences, which initiate a lot of the character studies in the film. And you don’t want to only establish character through flashbacks and hypotheticals. Just like in comics, the audience needs something more to tether themselves onto.

“Batman vs. Superman” is everything it had to be, and goes down its own checklist of what information should be shown to the audience to hype up the next line-up of films that will stem from this movie (So I don’t sound like I’m only hating on DC, “Age of Ultron” did this too to only some avail). In this way, the film succeeds, establishing the tone that will also accompany these upcoming films—such as a solo “Batman” film and “Aquaman”, both slated for releases within the next few years. On the other hand, it leaves its audience flustered.

However, the filmmakers seemingly did not stop to comprehend if what they are creating or shoehorning into its already congested story is necessary, and the film loses much of its charm and novelty in the process. This film is exactly what it needs to be, but does not aspire for more, as a film of this magnitude should. The end product is, unfortunately, only satisfactory when it should have shot for the amazing. It ran with its idea, when it should have soared. And that means that this clash of champions ended up being a big waste of potential, from the creative people behind and in front of the camera.

Grade: C

#Roman Macharoni #Movie Review #batman v supeman: dawn of justice #Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Review #Henry Cavill #ben affleck #Gal Gadot #Jesse Eisenberg #Amy Addams #Batman #Superman #Wonder Woman #DC Comics #Lex Luthor #Doomsday #Aquaman

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romanmacharoni · 7 years

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The 5 Worst Films of 2016

It was a great year for movies... but that doesn’t mean that some terrible movies didn’t fall through the cracks.

To clarify, this is a list of movies I have seen in 2016. Films that were considered either awful (“Meet The Blacks”, “Gods of Egypt”) or films I just haven’t had the time for (“Man Down”, “Assassin’s Creed”) I didn’t bother with. I also didn’t watch the new “Ghostbusters”. Sorry not sorry guys.

In this list, you’re getting the films that I thought either could not live up to their potential or films that truly sucked. I suppose it’s a good thing I found more films that I enjoyed than not, but that also means there were a LOT of films that were simply mediocre. Speaking of mediocre, let’s start off the list with something that epitomizes middle of the road.

#5 - “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”

*First off, not listing the Extended Version. If you want people to like your movie, you release what you want people to watch with the main release.*

I said in my year-end film review last year (My #1 worst was “Fantastic Four” which surprised absolutely no one) that nothing is worse than wasted potential. I suppose there really is no better example of this than in “Dawn of Justice”. The ability to make a phenomenal movie was in their grasp; nevertheless, it ended up being little more than an average movie. Being an average movie for a premise as monumental and—I’ll preface this by saying I’ve come to hate this word because of overuse in the media— ‘epic’ as this is a slap in the face to comic book fans and moviegoers alike. Not even Superman can save this from being just a blip on the radar in terms of the [very early] summer blockbuster season. I guess it looked nice though. In some parts. While compromising story.

You want my uncut opinion on this? Read my unedited review of the film on my blog, available January 6th. (I know, it’s late, but it gives context to this capsule review)

#4 - “Fifty Shades of Black”

It’s “Fifty Shades of Grey”. With Marlon Wayans. And no real punchlines. That’s it.

Oh, you want to elaborate? Alright, let us do that. The premise for a parody like this is ripe for the picking, but ultimately this is a soft and albeit lazy comedic adaptation. The amount of jokes that could have been squeezed out are immense (and many have been done to great effect just on YouTube and Tumblr alone), but for some reason the entire plot of “Grey” is rehashed—which is odd because most people even interested in seeing this already saw “Grey”— as we’re forced to watch comedians who could be trying much harder try and fail.

#3 - “God’s Not Dead 2”

Do you like straw man arguments and shameless exploitation, and only live on the internet to start flame wars on religion? Have I got a film for you!

Also, I should preface the rest of this by stating that I’m not saying that I don’t like this movie because it’s Christian. It wouldn’t matter if this was a movie about the Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, or Islamic or any other faith. This is just a bad film. There are good Christian movies (”The Passion of the Christ” and “The Prince of Egypt” come to mind), but this is not one of them.

This film’s self-gratification (I guess you could say ‘holier-than-thou’) is quite frankly unjustified. The fear it tries to instill is also not plausible; to spoil the plot a little, the ‘danger’ and subsequent legal trouble the protagonist goes through is unwarranted and overblown for what has been said to have been based on real court cases. The protagonist refers to the Bible as a literary source without mentioning her own beliefs, which is completely fine. I’ve taken religion classes in college and it’s the same thing.

This script is structured like they were holding your hand and making sure you didn’t get lost along the way. The cinematography, audio, score and acting are all bland and void of anything creative. It’s like a film made on auto pilot. This film is, ironically, lifeless.

The first film felt a bad TV movie that got clearance to screen in thousands of theaters, and this sequel is even worse. Imagine that.

Want a review of this movie that goes into a lot more detail? Try this one, it’s grand.

#2 - “Norm of the North”

At least this one doesn’t offend me personally as much as the last one. But man o’ man, it’s been a while since I saw an animated film as fundamentally broken as this one. Top to bottom, this film is a train wreck. The story is stretched out yet still leaves huge plot holes, the characters are either unmemorable or annoying, the whole thing feels like a cash grab and it’s so terrible than even Rob Schneider deserves better than this. This movie should fade away from obscurity like so much of the polar ice caps (sorry to make that joke so dark).

#1 - “Zoolander 2”

It’s sad when not even the writers care about what they’re putting out. A blatant attempt to recreate lightning in a bottle, this film falls flat because it doesn’t even try. It’s on par with some Happy Madison productions, and I honestly don’t care if people say “It’s supposed to be bad”. There is a difference between being so-bad-it’s-good and just being bad. You can still make a nice-looking movie and still have it suck. Making a joke that a premise is ridiculous isn’t enough to make it funny. There has to be a reason for it. Don’t get me wrong, there are a couple good jokes, mostly in the form of cameos, but this whole thing just ends up being a mess.

You can read my original review of Zoolander 2 here.

#Worst Films of 2016 #Worst Films #Worst Films list #2016 #Zoolander 2 #Norm of the North #Fifty Shades of Black #God's Not Dead 2 #Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice

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romanmacharoni · 7 years

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2017 Update!

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but that is mostly because I forgot my login information for this account! Apologies.

I also have been working as a blogger for Cleveland State Campus Recreation Services, posting content (including videos!) about three-to-four times a week. So, this personal blog had to suffer just a bit. If you want to check that stuff out, just go here!

Also, I’ll be posting my favorite articles I’ve written for the Cauldron right here every once in a while. Plus, a Top 15 Movies of 2016 (and Top 5 Worst) and a Top 10 Best and Worst Songs of 2016 within the next week or so.

Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays, you’ll be seeing some more stuff from me soon.

#Roman Macharoni #Update #2017 #2016 #Upcoming #Blog.csurec.com #Cleveland State Campus Recreation Services

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romanmacharoni · 8 years

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Check out my latest project, a fan film on Moon Knight, two years in the making. Thanks to all involved. (via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MG_LViPX9o)

#Roman Macharoni #Moon Knight:Bad Moon Rising #Moon Knight #marvel community #marvel comics #Marvel Fan Film #Fan Film Trailer

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romanmacharoni · 8 years

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CSU to make 3 to 1 Credit Hour “Bigger Switch”

***This is an Onion-style article, not to be taken seriously. Happy April Fools’ Day!***

by Roman Macharoni

A year following the monumental decision to make the four to three credit hour switch for close to all courses offered at the university, President Berkman after much consideration announced this past Friday an innovative initiative in what is being called the “Bigger Switch”. This switch will become active starting in the 2016 fall semester.

In an effort to make college even more accessible to the average student, all courses will be offered in an unprecedented one credit hour system. Courses that currently have class times that are 50 or 65 minutes long will be shortened to 15 or 25 minutes, consecutively.

President Berkman commented on the shocking nature of this groundbreaking change following the announcement. “The only bigger switch within Cleveland State University is in the interior decorating for my new house! I going to try feng shui this time around,” Berkman stated.

Professor Michael Rand has hope in the experimental switch, saying that since 20 minutes is generally the average student’s attention span. He says it is a win-win scenario.

Many students made aware of the switch were stunned by the action taken by CSU’s Board of Trustees.

“Hey, as long as I don’t have to spend as much time in class, I’m okay with it,” said Mike D., a sophomore Communications major.

“I’m not even sure how the heck this is even supposed to work,” questioned Mathew Q., a Junior Psychology major.

While a majority of the students interviewed are not looking forward to the switch, many esteemed facility members are very optimistic. Professor Peter Roth brought up one of the benefits of the switch.

“I was originally worried about how this would affect adjunct salary, but the free drink ticket to Bar UNO will be worth a lot more than they’re paying us now,” stated Roth.

One professor, who chose to remain anonymous, expressed his preparations for one credit hour courses.

“It’s quite simple… I intend on talking three times as fast,” the professor said. “Studies have also showed that student questions during class only slow things down… thus, students are no longer going to able to ask questions.”

Other professors have suggested this policy, the only circumstances allowed being requests to use the restroom.

“This is simply the next phase in the natural evolution of higher education”, said Professor Robert Abelman. “The final phase will be when no one actually shows up for class.”

Other structural elements of the switch have yet to be released at this time, including the adjustment of the credit hours needed to graduate. The Provost office will send an automated email later this week to all students and facility on further details of this switch. Students, in the meantime, are cautioned to meet with their advisor as soon as possible, as classes are likely to fill up quickly after registration becomes available.

#Roman Macharoni #April Fools Day #The Onion #President Berkman #Cleveland State University #Parody Article #Parody #Three to One Credit Hour Conversion #Three to One #asdfgvkvnjsnfvif

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romanmacharoni · 8 years

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Album Review: “Us and the Night”- 3 Doors Down

I like a few “3 Doors Down” songs, but I had no idea these guys were still around, much less releasing new material. But, much to my surprise, checking the interwebs for new music I find this – a desperate attempt to stay relevant.

The sixth album by the band, “Us and the Night” – released March 11 – is their first album put out since 2011. I honestly don’t know what I was going to expect, but it didn’t really expect it to sound like this.

“The Broken” is bouncy and jovial with a mildly catchy chorus, but not a great choice for a lead-in. Decent hook, but overall it comes across to as background, something I would hear on a wrestling video game or YouTube compilation rather than a single. “Still Alive” would’ve been a better choice, as it sounds a little more like their old selves.

I can’t explain why, but “Living in Your Hell” reminds me of The Cars. Not bad, worth a listen.

“I Don’t Wanna Know” – which according to front man Brad Arnold is their first recorded track for “Us and The Night” – is a wild deviation from their formula and doesn’t sound half bad. I could see them re-recording this with someone like Santana; it’s a song that deserves a little more energy.

The title track, “Us and the Night”, has a lot going for it, but falls short of being a decent song listenable on repeat. There’s just something… missing from it, like perhaps a more pronounced percussive secondary track or toning down the layered guitars. It comes close but no banana (wow, I never use phrases like that… moving on).

There’s not much more to say. “Believe It” sounds like Finger Eleven’s leftovers. I think Mumford and Sons could have done “Pieces Of Me” and I wouldn’t have noticed. “Love Is A Lie” sounds pretty amateur, with vapid lyrics and a guitar riff that’s honestly solid but a tad overused.

What saves this is the prominence of Mr. Arnold, who even with the radical changes to the formula keeps you focused on the classic vibe of the band. Other than that, this is an ultimately disappointing album.

Grade: C

#3 doors down #us and the night #roman macharoni #album reivew #us and the night album review #3 doors down us and the night

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romanmacharoni · 8 years

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Top 10 Strangest Political Campaign Items for Sale

It’s Election Year and the Presidential race is in full swing, in case you were either under a rock or blissfully unaware of current events. With the presidential race comes hopeful candidates who hope to raise money for their campaign. And nowadays, all candidates offer their followers a way to express their support through things such as buttons, signs, and the like.

And then you get the weird stuff. The stuff that makes you wonder what the heck they were thinking. The puns that make you want to pull your hair out enough to look like Bernie Sanders (no offense, Bern).

In honor of “Super Tuesday,” I present the Top 10 strangest pieces of political merchandise. Buy it up soon... because who knows how long it will last. As of the posting of this article, Jeb Bush’s website and campaign store are down due to his withdrawal from the race.

10: Trump’s Pom-Poms Cost: $10

Trump, Trump, he’s your man, if he can’t build a wall on the border of Mexico, no one can?...

This is a perfect item for the high school cheerleader who inexplicably belongs to their school’s “Young Republicans” club.

So, essentially, Trump’s next ex-wife.

9: Sander’s “Totes’ Votin’ For Bernie” Tote Bag Cost: $27

Totes.

Written on a tote bag.

DO YOU GET THE JOKE?!?

Really, Bernie? This has to be some focus group created thing. But I can guarantee someone bought a bunch of these and gave them away at a rally. At nearly 30 bucks, it’s pretty steep for a handbag. Feel the bern of your wallet.

8: Cruz’s Spatula Cost: $25

I get why they made this, but this is so unique and odd that I knew it’s worth mentioning here. The flame on the spatula looks cool on it, I will say. The bottle opener on the end is a nice perk too. Without the words on the handle, this is a great gift that could have some use, even if Cruz loses the nomination.

7: “Keep Calm and Carson On” Tee Cost: $17.50

This is the first of two Ben Carson items (spoilers) on here, but this one just doesn’t have that ‘wow’ factor. Rather plain with an overused meme. You don’t need to be a former neurosurgeon to know that there will always be someone who will buy a t-shirt with a meme on it. However, I commend him for selling t-shirts at a reasonable price, unlike our next item...

6: Cruz’s Christmas Spirit Cost: $65

Go ahead. Tell me there’s a Christmas sweater that looks creepier and more tacky than this. Obviously a gag gift, this item makes the list for being incredibly dated (as in who would want this next Christmas) and just... look at it! I don’t think I need to explain in detail why this is a horrible sweater. And for $65, you might as well just put this on the grill and burn it. Maybe flip it with that Cruz flame spatula to make sure it’s well-done.

5: Clinton’s “H” Socks Cost: $15

They just got H’s all over them. For 15 dollars, you can get a couple pairs of Wigwam socks that would be much more comfortable than these, given how they look.

All we need is a Hilary Clinton bathrobe and you’d be all set for your “Lazy Sunday Morning” package.

Also perfect for a rather democratic game of footsies.

4: Ben’s “I Got A Fever” Tee Cost: $17.50

You gotta love this shirt.

It’s got Carson doing his 80′s Cosby pose paired one of my favorite memes. Nice use of the pun, but points off for the plain design. However, this wins for being something you might want to buy. Wear it once for a laugh, then pull it out of your dresser drawer years later while trying to remember who Ben Carson is.

3: Hilary’s Pantsuit T-Shirt Cost: $30

This is pretty ratchet. Sorry, Hilary, no one really ‘rocks’ a pantsuit like you claim.

This is the slightly more dressy equivalent of those t-shirts with the 6-pack beach bodies on them. They were tacky in 2004, and they’re even tackier now. I do like the fact they included the fake “H” pin, though. You gotta be official with your pantsuit t-shirt, God forbid.

2: Jeb Bush’s Guaca Bowle Cost: $75

Why? Because why not? And that pun is dreadful...

75 bucks for a bowl with “Jeb!” on it. Unless you want to be the hit of a GOP Convention house party (do people host those?), this isn’t worth the laughs to own.

1: Buy Marco Rubio a Plane Ticket Cost: $500

Okay, this one takes the cake.

Rubio really thinks people are that gullible to buy this? I hope this wasn’t his idea. A tweet, a phone call and a postcard isn’t nearly enough to warrant this to be available for purchase. Maybe you could throw in a guacamole bowl for that 500 bucks, huh?

And remember guys, vote. Doesn’t matter who or why, just get out and let your voice be heard.

#Top 10 Political Campaign Items #Top 10 Strangest Political Campaign Items for Sale #Roman Macharoni #Donald Trump #Bernie Sanders #John Kasich #Ben Carson #Hilary Clinton #Ted Cruz #Marco Rubio #Jeb Bush #2016 united states presidential election #2016 presidential race #Weird T'Shirts #Weird Merchandise

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