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I wish I had motivation to keep going. Nothing brings me joy.

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The thought of why this is happened? How could it? What did I do to deserve this? Had often struck my mind consistently, day to day. I am so reluctant when I say this, but is this my own doing? My own fault. Due to my previous behaviors over the years. However, I can’t be to self critical. Somethings, were definitely out of my own pocket. However, why do I feel like this was my fate. The things that had occurred in the past shaping and shifting my future. I have these conditions now that limit my ability. Limit my control. Limit my capability to be able. To abled is such a privilege anymore. Once you have something taken away you are more aware and fixated on your limited ability. When, I was diagnosed with POTS I was not worried because my symptoms haven’t seemed as severe. However, as time began to past I felt rather limited once my symptoms had progressed. Additionally, taking prescribed medication that allowed me to feel depersonalized. I understand that developing POTS was simply not my fault, but with other conditions I have… like a recent diagnosis of HSV 2 I feel like it is. However, it is yet so common anymore. The stigma that follows with it. Its so brutal and harsh. When we should be able to be knowledgeable and understanding. I know when I had known people I recall my first and second judgment. It shifted overtime because I know its not their fault. To be quiet frank I thought I was going to get it sooner rather or later due to my unfortunate active lifestyle. Yet, I thought I had been lucky. I was however wrong. All it took was a cheating and unfaithful partner to degrade my body and disrespect me. I was always persistent on getting STI tested. I wanted to make sure I was safe. My partner had tested in the past and I thought I was surely safe. However, life is rather unexpected. Now living with two manageable conditions I hope that others won’t degrade me due to my limited abilities. I am still trying to understand my newly discovered diagnosis from this year. Trying to be understanding. I often say “It could be worse”. Trying to lift my own spirits.

I hope in the future with my partner that I can have a normal sex life. I know that with my POTS my symptoms vary day to day. I pray that I can conquer each day to the best of my ability. To learn and to he able to not let these ailments discourage me. I trust that god has a plan and had only show me that these a speed bumps.

I also hope that people will do their research and spread knowledge. For both of these conditions. With my POTS my peers didn’t seem to worry unless it took me fainting or collapsing on the ground. Granted, I had emphasize that I have to be cautious. Working an 11 hour shift with no break when its busy is not ideal for someone who is having POTS symptoms. May I mention I developed POTS due to covid-19. More and more people in their twenties are developing this condition.

Anyway, please don’t judge others and be compassionate. I did the best I could to keep myself safe. Somethings you can control and somethings you can’t. My advice is control what you can!

#pots syndrome #potsawareness #hsv2 #ableism

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Peace/Distraction

Procrastination is so redundant. I do it quite often. Yet, I cannot lie even up till graduation I still did it. One of my best traits. I say this jokingly. Now I cannot fathom this enough, but my ass really needs to learn that this isn’t appropriate for the future. For myself, I need to find a new routine. My life got a little puzzled up. I hope to find balance within the universe soon.. My mind also has been a bit blurry. Vision too. I hate having POTS now. Really fucks with me. Makes it as well rather difficult to fixate on important things. Doing my day to day task. On a happier note, twilight is playing in the background. I find so much peace with that movie. A comfort film if I do say so.

#Focus #grind #work #confusion #POTS

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My life

So much time has gone. So many people have exited. Some for the best and some for the worst. Things come and go. I accept it... or trying too. My mental health is unusual. One thing I take pride in is being able to is working out consistently. Losing weight effectively.. I lost 40lbs. My goal is to hit 130. I am at 138. I am building muscle right now. I went through a period where I wasn’t necessarily living last fall. I barely ate and slept. I was so exhausted. I was trying to graduate as soon as I could. Taking 18 credit hours and an internship on top of it, but I graduated.. I wanted my mom to see it... but she didn’t. She died. Then, earlier that day before she passed my boyfriend, my love.... the one that I connected with so I thought spiritually.. cheated. Not surprised, but it’s okay. I understand. He wasn’t happy with himself. He was insecure and felt the need to be a piece of shit. What a nice touch on his end. Anyway, three days later Mom.. I gIraduated after you died. It was so hard to walk across the stage.. knowing I watched you die the way you did. It was so traumatizing. I have such bad PTSD. The way it came out of your mouth... your body... the fluids.. I don’t want to say because it will scare people away. Mom I miss you. I want to call you and tell you everything. I want to tell you what Jules did to me. What he gave me. How he treated me in the end. I never saw it coming. I couldn’t believe it really, but most importantly mama. I hate coming home and seeing you not there. Where your voice doesn’t echo in the hallway. I hate seeing Todd pass out drunk on the floor almost nearly every night. Hearing Alexis cry over the phone. Her saying, “we need to be strong. It’s okay Sky. We got each other”. This is so fucked up.. all of this. I am thankful that my friend Bo, drove 7 hours to be by my side. I am thankful that Audrey was there and watched me grieve my mom the day she died. She held me, and watched my mom took her last breaths. Talking about this now is triggering. I can’t... I hate cancer. I hate missing you. I hate such bad flashbacks. It’s so triggering. Anyway, I haven’t landed a job.. I am interning still. I move away from U of I and back into my old childhood home for a few months. I have a trip planned to Cali. I been california dreaming for months. I will keep doing so... I will keep traveling the world. I don’t care about being alone. I am okay with it. At least no one will hurt me. I changed a lot as a person and overcame so much. I am stronger than I used to be. I am a deeper person. Spiritually and emotionally. Hell, looking back at all my post makes me cringe. Like why were you crying over someone like that? I a so glad I lost weight and started prioritizing myself. I am still trying to manage my mental health. My mood swings. I was in therapy for a bit and will be going back. There is some insurance issues and cancellations that had occured on their end, but I am counting down the days. Self love may not always look beautiful. It’s not about beating your face. Putting on a cute outfit or changing your hair. It’s a lot of tears, heavy workouts, sleeping, and recognizing your toxic patterns. It’s about digging deeper into yourself. It’s about seeking help when you know you need it. It’s about learning patience and understanding. It’s about putting nourishing food in your body. It’s about sleep appropriately. I could go on and on. I am trying. I will continue to try and live to the best of my ability. I don’t want to rot even though sometimes my mind tells me to disappear or to hurt myself. I am trying to control my rage, but I have and am healing... somethings I am over and some are not. It will be okay. I will be okay. I think. I hope. Also, in my next post I plan to talk about the spiritual things I have encountered before, during, and after my mom's passing. I have been “awake” for awhile now. However, I don’t want to burn one's eyes much longer with my long post. 

#Healing #cancer #grief #cancerloss #fuckcancer #depression #mental health #growth #spirituality

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Forever deeper into my abyss

I’m falling into the darkness again. I just want to feel alive and happy. My happiness stolen because of a sentence you said. Why did you portray that. It brought me down. I didn’t mean to be rude. Yet, when you say stuff it upsets me. I don’t understand. I’m tired of relationships. I think I’m meant to be alone. 

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First Sunrise of 2017 & First sunrise of 2019… by Mario Vecchi

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A far off memory like a distant dream

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I AM A VICTIM

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I NEVER SHOULD’VE DELETED MY OTHER TUMBLR TO SATISFY YOU’RE DISGUSTING SELF.

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This song makes me wanna do a line again. 

#sex on fire #kings of leon #bands #music #vibes #nostalgia #discover me #lust

[skylitexo]

Fuck it, I hate that I think of you. 

Anthem Thoughts 3:00 A.M.