sweeterontheoutside

[sweeterontheoutside]

10/16/2023

Suspension without suspense.

WC Library with G. Friends, friendships, I find them both frightening and euphoric. Like doing drugs. Perhaps that's too much of a broad comparison or actually, it may not even compare the entirety of effects friendships have on one's self. Maybe I can start out with what frightens me about friends. I fear that they may talk about me and my mistakes and flaws behind my back.

Where really did this fear come from? Originate? The source?

#self awareness #self discovery #healing for myself

[sweeterontheoutside]

spoke with my therapist today. how honest was I..? why do i always feel like im lying to them - maybe im just saying things, not having a conversation, active listening nodding my head smile smile smile.

im curious as to why I feel like i shouldnt believe myself. i question, do i lie a lot? okay maybe i exaggerate my shit and find ways to support those exaggerations? so i lie. no judgement just curiosity.

plan. ill try to catch myself during a lie and tell the truth. this sounds weird. am i crazy or just anxiety high

#overthinking girlie #entries #memoirs #secret garden

[sweeterontheoutside]

i struggle. before i used to deny its existence, now i've been able to recognize that pushback feeling. now i allow myself to struggle

#competitive #win without war? #my growth

[sweeterontheoutside]

.

the warm end of spring

drifting

to a gentle summer heat

slowly

unleashing the reminders of you

suddenly unable to touch me again. not even a hug, nor a hello. not even a glance, nor a moment further.

this is us now.

#milk and honey #jak #this is us now #original poem #poetry #short poem

[sweeterontheoutside]

i welcome the healthy loving abundance that i made space for.

[sweeterontheoutside]

i have no idea what this relationship brings but so far it’s brought highs and lows storms and heat i wish i could be happ

[sweeterontheoutside]

1/14/2023

Feeling highs and lows at peaking waves throughout the day. confused

[sweeterontheoutside]

mindful check-in 1/8/2023

i dont want to spiral, i want to spin around in circles until i forget every worry and mistake ive ever been through. forgetting doesnt make things change or go away. i have to remember that i am putting effort into myself and i will be able to look back on today and realize the amount of growth. I am capable of doing so much. i took my meds that is a check. i made it to work early another check. i grounded..oh my god i grounded myself at work….when i was so close to giving up and going home rattling my mind of ideas on how to escape and hide from it. I pushed through and I am most proud of myself. I drank water. I fueled my body. I cried a small amount.

What do I want to do for myself today? I want to go home and tidy up my room some more. Take the trash out. Make my bed. Go through my bottom desk and throw things away/ organize. Do laundry and fold and put it away. Make a small meal. Take a shower and do positive affirmations. Go to bed rested.

[sweeterontheoutside]

i miss you. i want to be hugged by you.

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

you texted me last night and for a moment i was happy. i saw myself driving to your house to your front door and hugging you. then i thought a text isn’t fucking enough to have me running back to you. you damaged this relationship and my trust fuck you think i am.

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#heartbreak #mend me #i love myself #love #sad #texts #imessage #growth #toxic bond #princess diaries #i love you #i forgive myself #forgiveness #life #girl #like #tumblrlove

[sweeterontheoutside]

please....i know i ended things and tonight i drove by your house and i knew for certain i had to let you go. for me. the feeling is indescribable. painful but in a good way and sad in a beautiful way. i love you. i loved you. im sorry to you and im sorry to me. i love myself more than missing you. i love myself more than i loved you. i love myself more than i’ve ever loved myself. thank you for the memories stinky. you were good to me and you were bad for me. but i don’t regret the love and bond and memories and moments we’ve shared. i wish you well. tonight i let myself feel. i know for certain things will go the way theyre meant to be. tomorrow is a new day.

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

still hurt. but im happy rn thank you me for getting me out of the funk

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

i am sad and feeling abandoned. i am letting you go. i am setting myself free. i love myself

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

im running out of things to distract myself. maybe after this i’ll find happiness

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

i cant stop creating fantasies about you, us, your family and what could’ve been. It’s not healthy so I when I catch myself I immediately say release because it’s draining me from my energy and happiness.

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak

[sweeterontheoutside]

last night i was triggered and i found myself hurting in pain again. fresh like it was the first day. today i find myself trying to heal all over again.

drafted and unsent

i wish I could hug you..

#texts i wanted to send #jak