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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 3 months

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I think for all the discussions we have of "everyone hears the jokes and the piano; after that, they stop listening" surrounding Louis, we tend to still simplify his connection to the piano.

Yes, it's very cute that he sings Clementine a little song when they first meet, and it's very cute that he plays a little prank on her while "tuning" the piano. It's super cute that they carve their initials into the piano and Clementine carves a heart around them. It's mega cute that he names his song he wrote after her when she confesses her feelings. Louis playing Don't Be Afraid at the party is, in my opinion, one of the best moments in all of TFS.

But here's the thing: That piano is Louis' heart.

I don't mean to go all metaphorical on you, but I'm dead serious—the piano is Louis' heart, and when you think about his arc and his romance route with that in mind...?

That piano is his one comfort in a world where the dead walk. It's been with him from the beginning of the outbreak. We know from his backstory that Louis wanted to take singing lessons so he could be a real musician, and his father denying him of that was what set him off to be a "vindictive fuckhead." Louis never got those singing lessons, and it's a very real possibility that Louis taught himself how to play.

Sure, others could've taught him; we know Minerva was musically talented, perhaps she showed him a thing or two. But learning piano, or any instrument, is brutal even with professional guidance. It takes hours of practice until numbness wears fingertips raw; dedication to memorize every key and finger placement to make music pleasing to the ear; self-discipline to keep going through every fumble, every failure, every single cruel thought of self-doubt; intelligence and a creative ear to write his own songs.

And yet, it's severely under-appreciated by everyone. It's annoying. It's distracting. It's unimportant. It's an excuse for Louis to mess around and not do any real work. He doesn't have any actual talent. The music and the piano are brushed off, unheard.

Yet, Louis keeps playing. He keeps singing. He keeps making jokes.

Creating music, the one thing he wanted so badly as a kid that he destroyed his parents marriage, was possibly the greatest comfort he had... a welcome distraction to disassociate from the horror and death happening around him.

It's bittersweet, like a purpling bruise that you can't stop pressing on; it hurts, but there's something else below the pain. The piano is out of tune and it's something that brings him joy... but will always act as a constant reminder of who he was and what he did, why he's at Ericson to begin with.

We first meet him while he's playing; Louis' heart is exposed, but is it really? Is he playing to his true potential? Louis hides behind the mask of a charming, charismatic goof. It's what is expected of him, so he plays a silly song intended to poke and prod at Clementine, to gauge a reaction. That's something we see him do at multiple points in episode one. In fact, we can consider a majority of episode one to be like the song he's playing when we meet him; it's mostly cheery or fast-paced.

Louis is able to soothe AJ with his "alluring" music after the kid bit Ruby is an indication that the two of them will share a bond. Louis is a natural at communicating and bonding with the younger kids [another talent that's overlooked] so it's interesting that he praises AJ for being a natural at piano, as well.

But the song stutters just a bit when Louis and Clementine are in the woods together, though; "There's only one guarantee: this moment. That's the only you got, only thing any of us got. Might as well enjoy it." ...Only for Louis to compose himself and send her away.

It's only when Clementine has a gun in her face, held by Marlon, that the music isn't fun anymore; it's rainfall and thunder and the words "I thought you were more than that" sung through the wind in a melody only Louis can hear.

Then Marlon's dead. The song is over, and reality has arrived.

I've talked at length about Louis in ep2 and his vote in the past. It's one of the most compelling things about Louis' arc and romantic route. It's a tragic mistake driven by trauma and guilt. It's people simultaneously telling him to shut up and telling him to be angrier than he is. Telling him to stop burying his head in the sand when he's never been more aware of everything happening. It's AJ peering up at him with pleading eyes that Louis can't stand to look at. It's Clementine wrapping his heartstrings around her fingers and tugging just enough to hurt, but not break.

Louis missed Clementine. He says as much when Clementine admits she missed him first. I don't even know where to begin with that! I can think of no other way to describe it other than they are half agony, half hope over this... and if you get that reference, you get a gold star. I just- the ache, the tension, the conflicting feelings of finally having a quiet moment to talk but Louis not being ready yet.

Y'know how someone carved "you suck at playing" in the side of the piano? It's something you might not initially notice while playing the game, just as Louis' insecurities aren't apparent at first.. but they're carved in him; never fully healed, still scabbed and bleeding... Until Clementine offers him a bandage.

She won't clean the wound for him, but she'll be there. She'll help him figure out how to do it himself so he can heal. She'll listen to him, not belittle his feelings or pain. She'll make an effort to know his keys and notes and practice playing his song until she understands.

When Clementine chooses him to spend time with him, it's a mirror of their first time meeting... but this time, Louis plays something real: a song he wrote, one that I believe he crafted during the two week time skip... a song he wrote with Clementine on his mind, for better or worse.

If the piano is Louis' heart, he literally asks her to sit there and try to tune it, which ends up being a joke but I say she's already tuned your heart, my guy. It's there before them, changed in the warm candlelight. He plays for her and opens up about how no one actually listens, but Clementine did.

And remember, this is the night of the raid. They don't know it's coming, but they know it'll be soon. Louis understands that he could very well die, so what does he do? He carves his initial into the one thing he's always had, and he asks Clementine to do the same.

I'm sorry, how are we NOT more feral about this? Prior to this scene, the only thing we see carved into the piano, into Louis' heart, is an insult. This thing that Louis cares so deeply about, this instrument that's become so intertwined with who he is... he wants to leave his mark on it just in case he dies. A reminder that it was his and he belonged to it just as much. Something so important, and he asks Clementine to carve herself into his heart where no matter what, they will be immortalized together in this moment.

And when Clementine carves a heart around their initials? Yes, his reaction is very cute and that's great... but she's not ashamed of him, or her feelings for him. She wants everyone who looks upon his heart to know that. She tells him how she feels and Louis is so giddy, and warm, and he names the song after her and I am going to start biting anything that moves, I can't-

Oh, and let's discuss the party scene in episode three, shall we? Y'know, where the heart covered initials are on full display? Where Louis tells the story of why he was sent to Ericson to everyone?

Louis is so... vulnerable. Sincere. Ashamed of what he did. This is the exposed nerve, the one he was so afraid of showing Clementine but there it is... and she doesn't reject him. Sure, she can say it's fucked up if you choose to, but she doesn't break up with him over it.

Also the fact that everyone sitting around him finally listens when he's at his most unshielded only for Tenn to ask him to play Don't Be Afraid for them after...? How do you not see the connection? Are you trying to make me cry? In that moment, Louis' heart was heard and appreciated and beautiful and strong and-

Listen. I am fine. I'm so normal about this. And fine. I'm fine.

But I also have to add that during the walk in episode four, if you let Louis choose what to add to the imaginary house, he picks a brand new piano because he wants a new heart to reflect the confidence and growth Clementine helped him achieve and because he loves her and AJ so much that wants the new heart to not just be his but also theirs and I am so fine with this, okay.

#twdg #twdg clouis #twdg clementine #twdg louis #clouis #long post #happy valentine's day y'all i got you a totally normal louis/clouis analysis #i initially got you flowers but then i ate them sorry #real talk though I started out normal and slowly descended into unhinged waters while writing this... I don't know how it happened #years later and clouis still pierces my soul i am half agony half hope tell me not that i am too late-#I'm fine okay it's only louis asking clementine to carve herself into his soul it's fine #i can already hear 'it's not that deep bro' like i dunno try getting out of the shallow end and learn to swim you coward #2024 is the year cj goes full gremlin. no self-control. writes whatever bullshit her very normal mind comes up with.#apologies in advance for my bullshit skskskss

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angelsdean · 6 months

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seeing a post abt how sam's early seasons anger is justified given the circumstances of his life + childhood trauma, and the post itself was fine, but then there's tags / reactions where people (samgirls / deancrits) will apply such a double standard when it comes to dean expressing any form of anger. sam's anger is good and righteous and makes sense given the circumstance, but then they'll look at dean who has also experienced a traumatic childhood + the trauma of parentification + all the trauma from being trapped in a literal horror show + hell trauma / michael possession trauma and think, "oh dean angry? dean yelling and not reacting properly to his compounding trauma? abuser! villain! controlling! bad guy!" like, everything they say to justify sam's anger and reactions to trauma also applies to dean. and why is it always a competition with samgirls / deancrits? sam does not have the monopoly on trauma / autonomy issues!! and if you think so you're really missing the point of this show. it's the trauma and autonomy issues show! it's the fighting for free will show! it's the, people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst show! they all (dean, cas, sam, jack, etc) grapple with these issues and experience similar traumas. this isn't the trauma olympics show.

#the double standards with zero self-awareness is wild. like. they Really think dean had some kind of authority over sam huh?#they really think dean is some kind of controlling villain AS IF stubborn sammy would Ever do anything he didn't want to do #it's insulting to sam honestly. why do his fans want him to be the most pathetic baby of a character. fanon sam i don't know her #dean often expresses Opinions and Says what he Thinks they should do. sam very often Does Not do those things.#so like. is dean not allowed to express a single thought? is he such a big controlling meanie for disagreeing with sam?#for thinking he knows better? (which he often Does bc sam is very prone to acting impulsively damn the consequence)#anyways. stop acting like it's brother vs brother challenge 2k23. like what are you chuck?#vic.txt

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sierradeaton · 4 months

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So who you been callin' baby? Nobody could take my place

#self control i don't know her #they were all necessary #5sosedit #lrhedit #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos show tour #*#tw flashing

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fromtheseventhhell · 7 months

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Arya watched them die and did nothing. What good did it do you to be brave? One of the women picked for questioning had tried to be brave, but she had died screaming like all the rest. There were no brave people on that march, only scared and hungry ones. (Arya VI, ACOK)

The night she was caught, the Lannister men had been nameless strangers with faces as alike as their nasal helms, but she'd come to know them all. You had to know who was lazy and who was cruel, who was smart and who was stupid. You had to learn that even though the one they called Shitmouth had the foulest tongue she'd ever heard, he'd give you an extra piece of bread if you asked, while jolly old Chiswyck and soft-spoken Raff would just give you the back of their hand. (Arya VI, ACOK)

Arya: *restrains herself from acting out when captured by the Mountain and his men because she knows fighting back/being brave wouldn't accomplish anything*

Arya: *takes note of the temperments of several Lannister guards so that she can learn how to navigate around their behavior*

Fandom: Arya is a feral idiot with no self-control uwu 🤗

#arya stark #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #this is really just a small portion of her intelligence and self-control and yet...people can't stand the idea of Arya being more than #the brawn to somebody's brains. They literally can't handle her being her own character or not comparing her to somebody else #mind you this is all on top of how calculated she us when helping with the coup and planning her escape from harrenhal #none of these takes are even judging her based on the books it's all about her in comparison to [x] character...usually Sansa #Ned's /Sun and Moon/ quote has had a terrible impact on this fandom and their perception of the Stark sisters #Arya HAS to be the /wild + reckless/ counterpart to Sansa's cool + collected/ side lol and it's such a joke #even if you thought Arya was reckless for defending Mycah which is debatable she's gone through so much since then #and she would've been dead several times over if she was really as rash and impulsive as fandom wanted her to be #why people can't comprehend both sisters sharing qualities I don't know but it's hilarious considering this fandom's #/don't pit the Stark sisters against each other/ attitude...guess that only counts when it comes to propping up Sansa #at what point can we start calling this out for the misogyny it is?#fandom nonsense

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bijoumikhawal · 10 months

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also it really is shit how several popular bloggers were like. Horribly bigoted towards ace people when it was cool, but once it stopped being trendy they 1) deleted those posts so receipts couldn't be pulled 2) maybe put up claimed "redactions" or said "omg its been years if you really wanna know wether i still hate those people dm me" but never apologized for their behavior lmao. I don't think any of the people who did that actually changed, I just think they know it's not such an acceptable/fun target to bully anymore. It's really sick how that type of bullying was encouraged for years and how few people repented for their behavior.

#cipher talk #H*stlerose and lgbt*nis in particular come to mind #x***guiw*ng too tbh #They did a weird heel turn of being normal about ace people to insinuating most ace people are homophobic and self centered #And that believing a society which strictly controls your sex life doesn't like you not having sex and may punish you is a 'white thing'#As though the pressures around sex are not MORE strongly felt by PoC #I don't wanna say 'imagine if there was a mass movement of people who said they hated gay men and homophobia wasn't real and they never #Apologized or faced consequences' bc I know that exists. It's on Twitter and it's why I'm cagey around how people on tumblr say f*g #(I do mean like other lgbtq people tbc)#But like it's ridiculously fucked up that it happened. That people allowed it. That most people have forgotten about it either bc #They were targeted or bc they did the targeting #Remember when a real human being who had recently come out as ace was murdered for rejecting a man and people turned her into a fucking #Discourse topic? And posted decapitation photos claiming they were of her in tags about ace people/spread rumors about that?#I do. I fucking do.#Remember all the discussions about how 'denying your partner sex' was abuse? How ace people were p*dos for forcing discussions of sexuality #Onto kids? How wanting non alcoholic non sex forward spaces- something ND people and addicts also discussed- became a fucking crime?#Because ace people also thought it was cool?#Like g-d I know this was painful and I'm not saying we should do discourse again but forgetting all that isn't helpful either

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dennisboobs · 3 months

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ok at the point now where looking at an image of dennis makes me want to smash my head through a wall

#ada speaks #idk how ppl exist in this fandom who don't feel bad for him tbh #which is the last thing den wants bc being perceived as weak and pitiable is devastating to him but #chasing this mfer down to give him a hug #he is so. fucked up. he has been fucked up by every adult in his life.#i think the fandom perceives him as this spoiled rich kid who had it better than most of the gang but the reality is #he was failed just like the rest of them and it's almost worse because he doesn't – and almost CAN'T – recognize this #letting the protective ego-boosting and boasting drop leads to him having to confront SO much baggage and i don't think he is mentally able #i think he DOES know deep down that everything is a lie and he has been hurt because we see that self awareness in ptsdee and tends bar #but his relationship with everyone in the gang is so strained that i don't think he would be able to have a moment like charlie did in s15 #even in tends bar there's a moment where they all recognize something is going on with him but immediately place him at the center #because he's the problem with him. anything done to him is his fault. it's not only something he reinforces. the gang does too #this must be because *dennis* has no feelings and he hates valentines day because everyone else is unlike him which makes *him* mad #the entire gang has an issue placing blame on themselves but to not even be able to conceive of dennis being hurt by them is. telling #because he's inhuman to them. it's how he's propped himself up and yet simultaneously hopes that they will see through that act #the way he reworks things in his mind so that everything is a consequence of his grand plan #means that he is always at fault regardless of whether he brushes the blame off #so he is not a *victim* of anyone else. because this was all under his control. he wasn't raped because he was initiating it.#klinsky was His Conquest. he was fourteen and she was in her fifties but he forced himself on her so that makes it His Fault.#it was a two way road. he's fourteen. and he 'entered' her. he's fourteen. but she was uncomfortable with his advances. but he was fourteen #cw csa mention

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hephaestuscrew · 2 years

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The only two times we hear Minkowski and Eiffel hug (which represent half of the canonical hugs in the whole podcast) are in Ep31 (Sécurité) and Ep54 (The Watchtower). Both hugs occur after Eiffel has been missing out in space and Minkowski has had very good reason to believe that he's dead.

When he returns from being missing in action for the first time, Minkowski hugs him so tightly that he can barely breathe. Then immediately afterwards, she's embarrassed and apologetic; "sorry, I don't know what I'm doing…" (A few more of my thoughts on that hug here)

In contrast, when he returns from being missing in action for a second time, it's him who "embraces her tightly" (quote from the script directions). And I think it's not just that he wants to give her a hug, although of course he does. It's also that he thinks she will want to give him a hug and he knows she hasn't always found that open affection easy.

He could have hugged her without saying anything about it, he could have said something about him giving her a hug, but instead he asks her to hug him ("C'mere, give us a hug"). He asks her to do what his past experiences suggest she will want to do anyway but will feel self-conscious about. In that casual way - perhaps without even consciously thinking about it - he gives her permission to let her guard down the way he thinks she'll want to. And he doesn't know that she's not able to appreciate that gesture in that moment. He doesn't know that her desire to hug him is being suppressed by far more sinister forces than her attempts at composure.

#Lest my followers forget that I am thinking about Minkowski & Eiffel hugs at all times #I do believe that if Minkowski had been in control of her actions #she would have crushed Eiffel in a hug when he came back from inside the star #and I don't think she would have apologised for it #She's learning not to be self-conscious about openly caring about him #I think Eiffel's on a similar arc tbh #Like in Ep31 they both aren't fully confident that the other person is as pleased to be reunited as they are #so they try to hang back a little #like Eiffel makes that rambling joke when they are left alone together #whereas in Ep54 he doesn't show any hesitation in telling her how good it is to hear her voice etc #and I know that's partly to emphasise the pain of Minkowski not being in control of her actions when he returns #but I think it also reflects a shift in their relationship #wolf 359 #w359 #wolf 359 spoilers #doug eiffel #the empty man posteth #w359 spoilers #renee minkowski #Eiffel & Minkowski

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softquietsteadylove · 8 months

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Heyyyy

Can we have some more- uh- *cough* *chokes*- spice for the mermaid AU?

once again I live for your entire account 🫶🏼

Thena crunched her sardine snacks, seated next to Gil on the beach that was around the backside of the island. There was a little actual tree cover over this 'beach', and it was even less out of the way than the dock for Titania.

She called it her little cove, where she could slip into the water for a nice little swim and emerge without drawing attention. Gil called it her secret oasis, sometimes.

"This is nice, huh?"

She smiled at him next to her, fishing lazily just for the sake of relaxing. She nodded with another fistful of her favorite snack in her mouth. The water moved and she nudged his arm.

"Ooh!" Gil jumped to grip his fishing rod tighter, reeling and letting out slack in strategic intervals. "Come on, little fella."

Thena tilted her head a few times, trying to deduce the catch from the sounds and smells she could pick up, as well as its behaviour on the hook. "I think it's a snapper."

"You think so?" Gil murmured, although he wrestled with his catch a little.

She nodded, leaning against his shoulder, "don't let it go completely slack, but let it think it's winning a little. Then reel it in all at once."

Gil chuckled, following her instructions. "Is that how you'd hunt it, Angelfish?"

She laughed as well, licking the salt from her snack off her lips. "Exactly. You let it think it can get away and then-!"

Gil beamed as he reeled in the red snapper, letting it soar through the air.

Thena instinctively reached to catch it, but withdrew her hand so Gil could toss his catch aside in his catch basket properly.

He kissed her cheek, "I'm lucky I have the expert with me."

She grinned, always happy to receive affection from him. She would be flipping her tail if she could. But there were certain things her tail couldn't do for her.

Gil sighed as she kissed his lips more purposefully. She set her snacks aside and moved her legs so she could crawl into his lap. Her legs were much better at this kind of thing.

Thena moaned as she tasted his beer on him. She didn't mind the taste of it so much, although that was possibly just because she associated it with Gil so much now. He said she never tasted like sardine snacks even though she ate them all the time.

According to Gil, she tasted the way the ocean smelled. She didn't quite understand that, but it was nicer than hearing that she tasted of dried fish.

"Sweetie," he sighed as she slipped her hand to his belt. He caught her hand gently, "we should go inside."

"Should we?" she asked with no intention of waiting to hear the answer. She moved closer, tugging at one end of the contraption. Something she would never, ever admit to Gil was that when he was at work she practised things like untying his shoes and getting his belts clasped and unclasped.

It was good practise for her! And also she wanted to be better at getting him undressed before he could start arguing about whether it was 'the right time' or not.

"Angelfish," Gil attempted to sound more stern, although she pressed a hand to his chest and found that funny bump called the nipple again. Its many purposes and pleasures still amazed her.

Thena pulled back and pouted at him, "why?"

"Well," her sweet human blushed, holding her gently between his outstretched legs. "We're...outside."

She blinked, "and?"

"Well," he urged, only more embarrassed. "We don't do...this...outside. What if someone heard us?--what if someone saw you?!"

"Hm," Thena pursed her lips. She supposed that mating was more something done with a certain modicum of privacy. No one wanted to stumble upon a mating couple among the coral reefs. She looked around them. "But-"

"Thena-" Gil tried to continue but moaned as she kissed him again.

"You seem excited by the idea," she pointed out, pressing against him and the increasingly firm bulge between his legs. "There is no one around, for how concerned you are of it."

Gil sighed, looking at her. "No one?"

"No one," she assured with a smile, tracing her thumb along his hairline. "I can't hear a single human, or boat. I can't smell anything but the sea."

Gil seemed ready to concede. He have a great respect for the fact that her senses far exceeded his own capabilities. He frowned, "are you comfortable with this, Angelfish?"

She tilted her head at him. "Are you?"

Gil smiled, tilting his head up and kissing her again, "If you're sure no one is around to listen to my girlfriend like this, then I'm fine with it."

She purred as she leaned in for another kiss. Ever since their first time mating it seemed her body hungered for it. She sat around thinking about him--about it. They slept together regularly now but when they didn't mate before sleeping she would sleep lightly, hoping to wake up and find that he was awake too.

Humans needed so much sleep--poor creatures.

Gil rolled them over on the blanket he had laid out over the large and coarse sand of the side beach. It wasn't the very light silica that was likely to get all over and stick everywhere, but sand was still sand. He grunted, "wrap your legs around me, Angelfish."

Thena sighed, melting against him as he purred that pet name in her ear. It reverberated through her, reducing her hard earned bones to jelly status.

Gil kissed from below her ear down her throat, dragging his teeth along where she had sealed away her gills under extra skin. She shivered. "You like that?"

She did. Very much.

Thena arched her back as he unbuttoned the shirt of his she was wearing, revealing her breasts. He found those very special, very sensitive nipples and began working his magic with his firm, calloused fingertips.

Even though he and Sersi had both taken her shopping, she simply preferred wearing Gil's clothes, unless they were going somewhere new.

Gil ran his tongue over one nipple then the other, teasing them until they were at peak sensitivity. She could feel the wind against them. He unbuttoned the shirt all the way, revealing her hips and between her legs.

She mewled as he stroked there, "Gil, yes, more."

He nudged her necklace up with his nose so he could nip her collar bone lightly with his teeth. Such blunt teeth, such gentle nibbles. "That's it, sweetheart."

Thena panted as he moved his fingers in waves, the way she would move her own tail. She wasn't sure if this was just the technique but by all seas and oceans it was good. "Yes, yes, Gil, please!"

He always made her finish first ('come' first). Something about it being good for her. And it made it easier for him to enter her afterwards? She hadn't paid much attention, too gripped by the pleasure of imagining it while he was explaining it so calmly.

She laid facing up, blinking at the sun just barely peeking through the leaves over them, tingling her skin. She gripped Gil's shoulders as he kissed her, pulling his fingers from her gently.

She sighed and purred, her head lilting this way and that lazily, her legs wound around Gil's hips. "Please, Gil? I want you inside of me again."

He blushed; something about mating instilled such shyness in her sweet man. It was very endearing.

He kissed her as they both got his belt undone and tossed away. He did most of the work until he was at her entrance again. "Ready?"

Thena moaned as loud as she wanted to as he pushed into her. This was the feeling that consumed her mind day and night. It was driving her to insanity. Makkari wouldn't recognise her anymore if she knew how much she craved Gil's naked flesh against her fingertips.

Gil moved gently at first, his body laid out and close to hers, her arms wound around his ribs and her legs over his hip and around his leg. Truly a beast with two backs, they made.

Thena whimpered as she dug her heel into his tailbone. It was a difficult angle for her leg - or maybe it was her hip doing the work - but it could make him go faster.

Gil thrust harder, hitting deeper. Their pelvises met loudly, and Thena could hear the fluids allowing their mating to happen smoothly. She groaned. He nipped at her neck again, "feel good, Angelfish?"

"So good," she responded, digging her nails into his back a little and dragging them over his skin. His muscles clenched and she would have asked if she had hurt him, if he didn't pick up pace even more.

"Fuck," he cursed, pushing himself up on his palms beside her so he could move more intensely. She liked the way it sounded when he cursed. It was different from her own usual curses, like oil spill or clownfish or barnacle.

Thena let out another moan as he scraped against the front of her, "there, Gil, I want more right there!"

He grinned, his breath coming out differently when he was smiling. He gripped the side of her butt and then her thigh, "okay then!"

"Gil, more, there, yes!" Sometimes word ceased to find her when they were mating. Like now. "Fuck!"

Ooh, it did feel good to say 'fuck'.

"Thena," he grunted, sweat beading on his forehead. He was close to finishing too.

"Yes, right there, almost," she panted, staring up at the sky as if she could physically reach out for the point of her release. "Gil!"

It felt like waves against the rocks. Like letting her body go and riding the ebb and flow of the storm safely within a warm pocket. She felt like a jelly listing lazily through the current, or a great turtle swimming as slowly as it desired.

Gil's finish was always loud, sometimes painful sounding. But he said it felt good, and the feeling of his finish releasing in her certainly felt good for her. So she hoped it felt better for him.

Gil stayed close to her body, as if a bird flying overhead would be spying on them mating and he was greedily keeping her human body to himself.

Not that she wanted to share his human body with anyone.

He kissed her gently, as he always did after mating. He looked down at her with warm eyes, always with this extra soft expression after their release. "You okay?"

She smiled at him, purring for lack of any better words. He seemed to understand, burying his face against her breast and kissing over her happy little heart.

"You're amazing, Angelfish."

By the seven seas did she love him. She didn't know if love always accompanied mating but it certainly did for her. She would never need - or take - another mate so long as she lived. "I could say the same of you."

He blushed, her sweet, sweet human.

Gil pulled her up into his lap, him hanging loosely now that the mating was over. He held her delicately, buttoning up his shirt again.

According to him, having her breasts out in the open flustered him.

Thena bent her head to sneak in little kisses as he did up the buttons, blocking his view of them at every opportunity. She liked kissing him, and she liked kissing him far more than she liked being dressed.

"Come on, Cuddlefish," he chuckled, giving her another kiss before stuffing himself away into his pants again. Doing up that damned belt. "I have dinner to make."

Thena nodded and sighed, letting him stand up and pull her with him. Mating was far better, but Gil's food was a close second for the best feeling in the world.

#Thenamesh Mermaid AU #Thenamesh 18+#okay I know a red snapper wouldn't be this close to shore no matter far out Gil casts #obviously that's also what everyone else is thinking #just kidding but I don't know that many fish okay?#you caught me!#anyway Thena wants to fuck all the time now #I mean she's...curious #she loves discovering new things!#and this is a very new and very great thing to discover of course #yet another aspect of being human that has very pleasant side effects #VERY pleasant for our Angelfish here #and Gil every time is like I need more self-control #also nothing sticks to Thena's skin 'cause y'know...hydrophobic skin and hair #salt beads right off her #meanwhile poor Gil takes a shower and the sand...oh the sand #worth it tho #also Thena is more vocal #and less inhibited because #mating is done kind of 'outside'#there is no inside really #you find a little spot and...get to it #she doesn't have the societal shame built around it

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mars-ipan · 6 months

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overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

#marzi speaks #this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud #i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too #like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control #she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does #it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her #it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control #it's a self-soothing technique #but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on #this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily #i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention #my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready #or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart #when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened #i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches #this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze #i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind #other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do #i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns #and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about #my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior #yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it #or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts #but we're better communicators abt that now teehee #it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways #but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different #this could also be learned #my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom #i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant #it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about

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