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my-writings-and-musings · 3 years

Note

Hey, if you're still doing those angsty oxygen scenarios, could you do one with Rumble? I know he's not a lost light bot but it would mean a lot to me

He means a lot to me too, anon. Plus as I see it, being a Lost Light bot is a state of mind.

Here's all my previous posts with this popular prompt!

Part One: Here!

Part Two: Here!

Part Three: Here!

Part Four: Here!

Part Five: Here!

Part Six: Here!

Part Seven: You are Here!

Part Eight! Here!

Part Nine: Here!

Part Ten: Here!

Part Eleven: Here!

Part Twelve: Here!

Rumble

·The story of how you both ended up on the Lost Light is a long and rather ridiculous one, but thankfully you're both quite happy now with the way things have turned out. Hanging out and playing video games is one of the more calm and non-destructive things you two do around the ship, and it's an activity he adores having someone to share with, as not too many bots share the hobby. Being absolutely tiny by Cybertronian standards but huge compared to you, he typically encourages you to sit on his lap while you game together, something he claims is only done to ensure you both can see. Being a good sport, you agree so he can keep protecting his reputation as a tough bot who never cuddles anyone, and also because you know he's secretly in need of said cuddles despite his claims otherwise. You're well in to a rather relaxed gaming session when an emergency communication pings both of you.

·Quite open about how annoyed he is, the feeling only grows when the line is barely audible, static blurring all but every other word of what sounds like a rather urgent message. Though he does try to ask for a repeat of what's said, when the feed simply dies he's quite tempted to just ignore it and keep playing games. Admittedly that sounds good to you too, but being on a gigantic alien vessel makes you far less comfortable at the prospect of things being uncertain, as what's minor to the bots can be quite dangerous for you. Initially your gentle insistence on seeing what might be going on only gets an exaggerated groan regarding how it's probably nothing and that the two of you are having fun so who cares? The pouting is something you're rather accustomed to, so you follow a strategy of gentle pushing to get him moving, which results in him growing ever more dramatic until he's lying back on his second hand couch as if getting up would be physically painful.

·A gentle kiss on his nose finally melts away his immature resistance, but only after he blushes like a lamppost and huffs to try and pretend he's not doing it because you've convinced him or anything. With one last sorrowful look at his console, he hefts you into his shoulder and moves out, not willing to wait on your tiny human legs. Though he's obviously grumpy there's still care and consideration in how he walks with you, as he's never going to risk dropping your squishy human self if he can help it.

·Repeated attempts to comm anyone for some information turn up nothing but static, and that leaves both of you quite confused, with the minibot commenting on how odd it is that no one is answering. Being near the living quarters at this time of day means there's no one around to ask, so he hurries along whilst looking for a signal, reasoning that the two of you should head to the bridge or somewhere equally important to look for answers. Knowing he has way more experience in this than you do, you happily let him take the lead, smiling softly at how your agreement makes him puff up with pride. Being a mini has made him rather unaccustomed to any kind of leadership, so even the simplest praise or deference always means the world to him.

·His ego boost is quite rudely interrupted by a sudden tremor through the ship, though he's hardly knocked off balance for long due to his unique skills. Keeping his footing solid and you secure on his shoulders, he immediately asks if you're okay once the floor steadies beneath him, knowing that it was just a little shake but worried nonetheless. You assure him that you're fine, which convinces him to hold you a little less tightly. Looking up into his visor, you're concerned to see his usual calm replaced with a much more serious expression. It's one you know to only expect when things are about to get bad. As he starts walking again, he explains that, as an expert on seismic things, he knows that the ship has just been snagged. Having an internal sensory system specifically designed to detect these things also makes him certain of the exact size of the enemy and where it hit; and what he detected isn't good.

·Despite being less than half his height, Rumble is your immediate worry as he goes on to explain more of the situation, talking more to cut through the quiet to calm his nerves. You know that you're not built for alien robot battles, but quite frankly, neither is he. Not on his own at least. Though he'll surely deny it now, he's confided in you that without his brother or a bigger bot to sync up with... fighting anything but other minis is a lot harder. Knowing that makes you press him gently on a plan; where should the two of you go to be safe?

·As expected he's immediately adamant that he's fine, but his attitude to you is another story, as is obvious by how he shifts you completely into his arms and holds you tightly. With a promise that he won't let anything touch you, he surprises you with a completely unrestrained sense of protective drive, something quite out of character for a bot that usually struggles with deep feelings. Knowing that ships always have extra guards stationed at key locations, he decides to hurry his way to the medical bay, secretly hoping not to encounter any enemies on the way. Not that he's embarrassed to be a mini or anything, but in moments like these he really wishes he could be big and strong for your sake... Pushing those thoughts deep down, he hurries along and tries to focus on how cool he looks carrying you to safety. Maybe after all this is over he'll be able to tell some awesome stories about rescuing you.

·Seeing you get a little sleepy absolutely baffles him, and he gives you a little tap to wake you up with a tease about taking poorly timed naps. Not having realized you were nodding off, you rub at your eyes in confusion, suddenly aware of sleepiness that certainly wasn't present earlier. At your continued and obvious exhaustion he's quite worried. Had he better practice at driving with an occupant he'd have given you a ride to save time, but even at the best of times previous attempts at that were disasters, so in your current state you'd probably end up getting seriously hurt... It's yet another thing to regret as he holds you closer and hurries along, secretly trying to establish communication so he can hopefully get some answers. The lack of success makes him more worried with every passing minute.

·Though Rumble is no stranger to cuddling behind closed doors and carrying you to show off his strength, this is the first time he's held you like this in public for so long, and it feels very nice. You know he's worried about you, but it's getting harder to focus on staying awake and comforting him with his arms keeping you so secure, and his little spark humming so warm and strong right next to you. Only his gentle pleading for you to keep your eyes open prevents you from nodding off, mostly because his voice is so sad as he does so, and you can't handle seeing that sweet face grow any more worried. Clearly it must be bad if he's openly showing his softer side. You're aided in staying awake by a rather unexpected visitor nearly stepping on the minibot as he enters a hallway, and in the panicked blur that follows your mind is just sharp enough to catch the towering form of a very unfriendly alien before you're laid on the ground and Rumble charges forth in a preemptive strike.

·Though he's every bit as fearless as he usually is in appearance, in his spark he's absolutely terrified as he breaks out his piledrivers, the lack of his brother or Soundwave leaving him with a sense of total helplessness that he has to force down for your sake. The alien is a kind he doesn't recognize, but it's big and clearly hates bots by the way it strikes to kill. Using his tiny size to his advantage, he hammers the legs that are too slow to kick him away in time, striking with a level of force that strains his shock absorbers to a painful limit. The hulking alien collapses as its means of support are demolished in a messy and agonizing attack, but the mini takes no chances, hopping up to the head and delivering a blow capable of creating an earthquake all on its own. He's left panting from the exertion but grateful to have proved himself. Sore from the strain, he hurries back over to you and can't help but ask if you saw what he just did?

·Tiny jubilation is crushed when he hears your weak reply. Even though you're smiling at his victory, you're obviously barely holding on, and that means whatever invisible malady is afflicting you is growing more severe. Scooping you up in bloodied servos, he tries to keep the tears welling in his visor from falling, though admittedly he's not sure why since his image matters very little in the face of losing you. Thinking fast, he breaks open a vent cover and makes use of the claustrophobic shortcut to hurry to the medical bay, ignoring his own overworked body's protests to save you at any cost. Not knowing what the problem could be, he's still tearing himself apart inside over every tiny delay that could now result in the difference between life and death. If only he hadn't hesitated to stop gaming, or had been paying enough attention to avoid that alien... How like him, to prove unworthy of something by ruining it.

·You'd been physically incapable of staying awake as he'd closed in on the part of the ship where help would hopefully be found. Though you had tried so hard and been so heartbroken by his struggles, exhaustion unlike anything had ultimately forced you to rest, with his protective grip on you making it hard to worry as you slipped under. Tears had started to fall without restraint the moment you went quiet. It had made quite a scene when he'd burst into the medical bay, ploughing through a vent cover and startling multiple bots on guard as he yelled for someone to help you, nearly getting shot until he was recognized with you in his arms. Nearby medics had been quick to explain the breakdown of the atmospheric generators and the loss of oxygen, but he brushes all that aside with a single question; will you be okay?!

·Every bot present is immensely surprised by his demeanor. He's known as a troublemaker and a prankster, so even with your relationship to him being taken into consideration, his agony over your condition is not something they could have ever predicted. The loyalty to you is unshakable and obvious even after you receive the care you need, as he refuses medical attention for himself and doesn't care in the slightest when the alien ambush is declared defeated. Not even the prospect of free drinks at Swerve's to celebrate can make him leave you for a second. All he wants is for you to wake up, and to hopefully not be mad once you wake up and learn what happened, which he believes he made worse by being irresponsible and wasting time... Though it isn't allowed, he crawls into your berth with you to snuggle when no one is present.

·You awaken to a much clearer head and the warmth of a bigger body huddled closely around you, and as soon as you open your eyes a familiar frame welcomes you back to consciousness. Whispering a greeting, you're shocked when the mini suddenly clings to you and begins pleading for your forgiveness while also recounting what happened to make you "sick", confusing you beyond all belief at first. Why would the bot you remembered saving you need to apologize? It's only by listening that you realize his misplaced blame is likely motivated by fear, as his hot tears pattering against the berth suggest a bot recently scared out of his wits. The poor mini is blaming himself for his lack of action, in full belief he could have moved faster and should have the moment something was wrong, and sounding quite convinced of his role in your injurey before you shush him as gently but audibly as you can.

·Wiping away heavy tears on his cheeks, you speak clearly through the oxygen mask still secured to your face, reassuring him that he did nothing wrong and had no reason to believe things would play out as they did. When he tries to miserably reply that he's still should have jumped at the first sign of trouble, you remind him that he jumped into action when it counted, taking down an enemy several times his size without anything but his own fists as weapons. Perking up to hear you remember his burst of bravery, he asks a little more confidently if you recall how he punched the alien so hard the hallway shook from the force, and you smile while you assure him that you saw every heroic moment. Hearing himself be referred to as a hero seems to reassure him in ways he didn't know he needed, and the rush of his own gratitude is enough that he hugs you tight without a hint of bashful hesitation. Just being here and safe with you makes it hard to be worried about anything at all.

#transformers #maccadam #more than meets the eye #mtmte #lost light #ll #idw #my writing #my asks #anon #requests #rumble x reader #rumble #human reader #self insert

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randomestfandoms-ocs · 3 years

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Drop the Evie essay you wrote

okay so first of all it wasn’t really an essay the way some of my ramblings are, more like just me writing down all of my thoughts in a vaguely coherent manner bc my brain was running too fast to really organize it

and second of all, just to be on the safe side, these are the potential trigger warnings that I would give for the essay — I don’t know if they all actually come up or not, but better safe than sorry, so proceed with caution!

Potential TWs: being outed, parental neglect, character death (canon), suicide attempts (semi-canon), eating disorders, lots of mental health issues, and lots of general trauma and feelings of never being good enough, and canon typical references to drinking/drugs/partying/etc

so just like a fun fact, Evie’s vitamin water of choice is zero sugar strawberry lemonade and yes i spent too long reading reviews on different flavours all because gossip girl did an entire product placement episode

anyways now onto real thoughts let’s go lesbians let’s go

so okay evie has a... very negative experience with Lily’s various boyfriends and husbands. When Evie was younger she was always hopeful that this time would be different, that they’d be a family, that her mom would actually stick around, and every single time she’s been let down and left heartbroken. When her mom starts dating Bart, Evie is very against it but she just can’t be bothered to even try to talk to Lily — Lily will date him, maybe get married, play house, abandon her children, then get divorced, and the cycle will repeat, and Lily will never give a shit about how her children feel about it. Bart is just the latest rich man for Lily to set her sights on. Given the overall shittiness of most of Lily’s exes, Evie had figured she would be a lot more vocally against Lily dating again, but Bart...

Bart himself may terrify Evie, but Evie’s unwavering faith that Chuck will always protect her outweighs that fear, and Evie has long since given up on her mom caring about her opinions so she just takes comfort in the fact that Chuck will be there and tries to just ignore the rest — and the fact that Bart is pretty much always away does help with that. That being said, she was very distraught when Bart spends season 1 christmas with them, but then Bart’s “present” for her was flying Chuck home for a few days because Lily mentioned that Eric was teasing Evie about being excited about having Chuck as a brother, and he's trying to semi-win over the kids (aka bribe them into accepting him as Lily’s fiancé)

Evie speaks several languages! She started learning French and Spanish at a very young age, and then picked more up from Lily’s various husbands. She’s not fluent in all of them but she can hold conversations in eight languages — and four of them were from Lily’s boyfriends (and italian was half pieced together from French and Spanish), and she just keeps learning more because she tries to keep herself too busy to think at any given moment

Rufus is her favourite step-dad by far, but Chuck is her favourite step-sibling (and second favourite sibling, after Eric). That being said, Bart was surprisingly decent to her because even he quickly figured out that Evie has the innate ability to get Chuck to do basically anything, and he wanted her on his side, only he underestimated how much Evie hates him for treating Chuck like shit — as she says in 2x07, “if you want us to be a family, you should learn how to be a dad”

Evie has a bit of a thing for stealing coats lmao — it’s not unusual to find her stealing Chuck, Eric, Theo, or even Nate’s jackets when she gets cold or starts feeling particularly self conscious. At the housewarming party she actually gets to bothered by all the media watching her constantly that Chuck goes and gets her one of his blazers to replace the cropped one she was wearing, and she immediately feels a bit more at east

Evie is a jock like it’s understated but she’s on multiple sports teams at school and plays outside of school too — she’s also in dance classes several times a week, along with private vocal lessons, and being part of every theatre production at Constance Billard (musicals and plays), and is on the yearbook committee. Basically, Evie needs a fucking nap, and with a lot of pushing from Chuck and Eric and Theo (to balance out Blair “do absolutely everything in the name of Yale” Waldorf) she does eventually ease up on her extra-curriculars

She holds far too much power in the Constance-St Jude hierarchy. She’s a freshman, but it’s well known that Evie is completely untouchable. Some people (cough Jenny) might try to cross Blair, but no one is stupid enough to go after Evie — she’s not just Blair’s protégée, she’s also under Chuck’s protection. And when Jenny does try to cross her in season 3 (physical and emotional bullshit, public humiliation, telling the entire school she’d tried to kill herself and had been at Ostroff not “in florida”), well... she learns that even being family won’t stop her entire life from being destroyed

Speaking of Jenny... that’s a very messy relationship — I want to like Jenny, I really do, but I just... don’t so far. They’re a very sweet relationship early on, neither of them had dated before and they were just really smitten with each other and things were good. There were definitely some issues because of the Jenny-Blair war, but they’d been okay — or so Evie had thought, until Jenny dumped her by means of introducing everyone to her new boyfriend, Asher. Then of course there’s the party and Jenny outing her, and then just not talking to her for months until she needs something from them (an in to the White Party). Eric manages to convince Evie to play nice, but he does so under the impression that Jenny had apologized to Evie — he didn’t know she’d only apologized to him. Eventually Jenny does apologize and Evie tries to forgive her, and she keeps giving Jenny more and more second chances (especially once they become step sisters), but Jenny really just keeps hurting Evie to get on top because with Blair gone, Evie immediately becomes the new queen, and Jenny cares more about being queen than being nice. Little does she realize that part of why Evie became queen with no challenge is because she’s nice.

and regarding Evie’s other relationships... so serena was a really good big sister when Eric & Evie were kids — Blair was the responsible sister and Serena was the fun sister, but it was a good balance and it worked. But when the twins were around eleven and Serena was around 13, she became besties with Georgina Sparks, and everything went to shit. Serena started getting into partying and drinking and drugs and became just as flighty and unreliable as Lily, which takes a significant toll on the twins’ mental health — side note, one of their therapists at the Ostroff Centre believes that their significant codependency stems from the abandonment issues they have as a result of Lily and Serena just up and leaving them whenever anything “better” comes along.

And unfortunately for the twins, this was around the same time (grade 6) that Theo got sent to boarding school, so really they lost both their sister and their best friend at the same time, and Theo leaving also messed up the overall group dynamics and they half lost Nate too — he was still in their lives but he went from being the dad to Blair’s mom to being more of a big brother, and there was this sort of hole that didn’t get filled until a couple of years later.

And of course, a lot of it then fell to Blair to try to fill that hole and the holes left by Serena and Lily and went from being sort of “mom friend big sister” to “literally the closest thing we have to a mom”, which is also just a lot of pressure for a thirteen year old girl and part of why Blair and Chuck got a lot closer after he ended up becoming their dad was because she finally had someone that she could talk to too.

Also like full disclosure, Chuck never really intended to become their dad. He started off as a reluctant big brother because he was Nate’s best friend and Nate was the dad friend when they were younger, and Evie just kind of decided that she loved him and like no one can argue with Evie so all of a sudden he was part of the family. He doesn’t really become dad until the van der Woodsens move into the hotel because suddenly Eric and Evie are just always there, and he doesn’t even realize it until months later, after Serena is gone and he realizes that he’s been skipping parties to like play mario kart and shit with the twins and Blair is just like “lmao yeah buddy you’re the last one to get this memo”

and then there’s this list that I made of the NJBC’s roles in raising the twins and theo back when they were younger

Blair: holds their hands to cross the street, teaches them not to talk to people who wear sneakers or to strangers, teaches them how to dress themselves like respectable people, makes them finish their homework before watching tv, hates all of their nannies and only trusts dorota to take care of them Nate: teaches them to tie their laces and their ties, plays video games and sports with them, helps them with homework and doesn't get impatient when they struggle, lets them use his notebooks to draw in when they're bored Chuck: will destroy anyone who hurts them, teaches them street smarts and how to tell when someone is lying, is the one who lets them do dumb and reckless things because he'd rather they do them when he's there to get in trouble, still refuses to believe that they know what sex is Serena: reminded them that it's okay to have fun and draw outside the lines, stood up for them when lily was being a shit mom and always tried to protect them from the worst of her neglect, came up with games to play when they were sad to take their minds off whatever is upsetting them

And Theo!!!!!! Theo has been their best friend for their entire lives! They’ve known him since they were babies and the three of them have always been inseparable! Like highkey they were just a more functional NJBC lmao, and we love them for it! Theo getting sent to boarding school was really hard on all three of them but they stayed in constant contact and whenever Theo is back in the city, it’s almost impossible to see them not together. Theo does know that they were in the Centre, so once he’s back full time, he’s spending as much time visiting them as he can! Even when Eric and Theo are dating (and later when Evie and Theo are dating), the group dynamics really never change! It’s still always the three of them, and sometimes Jenny in s1, they’re still each other’s family, and they’re still just a bit too interdependent to be entirely healthy (it’s the trauma and neglectful parents)

on a slightly related note, neither of the twins drink anything other than champagne and sometimes wine, and neither of them touch drugs at all, and it’s entirely because of Serena. They’ve both seen how much she’s changed since she got into that scene, and especially since ‘liking partying’ turned into ‘alcohol addiction’, and they’re both too afraid of ending up like that to even take the risk. It’s something that definitely sets them apart from pretty much any of their peers, but they’ve gotten very good at just laughing it off with a “hey, I just don’t want to end up on Gossip Girl tomorrow” which people generally accept

(that being said, Evie did smoke for a while pre-canon bc cigarettes curb hunger, but she hasn’t smoked at all since ending up in the Centre, and once she’s out too many people have an eye on her for her to even try, and she does want to stop)

(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, fairly detailed discussion) so okay the breaking point for the twins... lily had just gone awol again and Blair was away visiting her dad and evie was at the archibalds’ house hanging out with theo, who was home for a weekend, and eric didn’t want to call anyone because lily’s disappearance had left him in a spiral of feeling annoying and like people didn’t really want him in their lives and there wasn’t a specific trigger but instead of the spiral slowing down or evie/chuck/blair being able to pull him out of it, it just kept getting worse until he was slitting his wrist in the bathroom — only Evie had just gotten home and when he didn’t reply to her calling his name, she got freaked out and started looking for him and when she saw him, she just... couldn’t deal. She called 911 for eric but then she was just in the bathroom and covered in his blood and she didn’t know what to do and she needed to calm down so she grabbed a bottle of valium that she thinks was Lily’s but instead of just taking one pill she ended up taking all of them and downing them with a bottle of vodka serena had hidden — once she realized what she’d done she called Chuck and basically just said “I think I fucked up” and Chuck freaks out (understandably) and rushes to their suite and gets there basically just in time to see both of them being loaded into an ambulance; he claims he’s their brother and rides with them to the hospital where he calls blair, and arranges for his jet to pick her up asap, and then tries (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with lily

#lizziesxltzmxn #ask #answered #evie van der woodsen #about evie #freshman generation

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project-stormblessed · 4 years

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1-50

Alrighty!

1. What color are your socks?

All of my socks are either completely black or black and gray. Lol.

2. Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Only once when I was like, 12 or 13 making a second Youtube account lol.

3. What is something you regret in the past month?

Becoming distant and isolating myself from most of my friends. Quarantine has not been good for my mental health tbh.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Honestly? Not sure. Part of me doesn’t, and part of me does. Can’t really get either part to agree one way or the other.

5. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper? Definitely well over a decade ago. Honestly can’t remember.

6. How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

I was 11 or 12, and it was my older brother Jack who taught me. He also taught me how to drive lol.

7. Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

We get along well enough. Now that they’re retired the house is a much calmer environment.

8. What’s your favorite season?

Spring. I love seeing everything in bloom—the colors are very pleasing to me. I love seeing lots of green, and lots of lush plantlife.

9. Do you currently like someone?

Hmm, not entirely sure about that one. I guess I don’t really have any strong feelings for anyone in particular. Maybe. 👀👀

10. Have you ever used an Ouija board?

Nope, and I don’t plan on it.

11. What’s the last song you sang?

It was a song for choir this past semester, though I don’t remember the title that well or the composer.

12. What’s your favorite scent?

Never really had a favorite scent, honestly. My sense of smell has been pretty dull/weak for as long as I can remember and I’ve never really given much thought to any favorite scent.

13. What’s your favorite urban legend?

The Roswell UFO incident of 1947. It sparked my interest in aliens and UFOs at a very young age, and is probably responsible for a good deal of my love for sci-fi.

14. What’s a bad habit that you have?

Poor self control when it comes to time management. I tend to let myself get absorbed in things.

15. What’s a strange habit that you have?

Hmm. Totally blanked and could only come up with “making noises and pretending to be a mech of some sort when moving around my house”. That’s all I got.

16. What’s the first instrument you learned to play?

Piano. I started learning at 8 years old.

17. How would you describe your ‘type’?

Y’know funny enough I’ve never really thought I had a type. However reaching my mid-twenties has made me realize that my ‘type’ is kind, compassionate, goofy, and nerdy/geeky.

18. Would you rather stay in or go out?

Depends on the company, I guess. Though, usually I prefer to stay in anyway.

19. What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“I’m taking Dax out.” When I went for a walk with my dog lol.

20. Do you want to get married someday?

Definitely didn’t used to. I’m at the point where I’d be down if my partner wanted to, though I’m not sure I’d wanna spend a shitload of money on a wedding. Guess it depends on financial status at the time and the preferences of my partner.

21. Have you ever snuck out?

Nah, though I never needed to. My parents typically let me leave house whenever I wanted to as long as I told them who I’m with and when-ish I’m going to be home.

22. Can you sing well?

I can match pitch pretty well, but I can’t produce pitch un-aided. Usually. So kinda. I’m ok at best, all things considered.

23. What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

I went off on some of my friends over something kinda silly because my mental state as of late hasn’t been all that great.

24. When was the last time you went sledding?

Uhhh, definitely more than ten years ago.

25. Have you ever liked/do you like someone you know you can never be with?

You kidding me? That’s like, all of my crushes ever. Maybe that’s an exaggeration but honestly it’s certainly FELT that way each time.

26. Do people often mispronounce your name?

No, though I have known a few people throughout my life that said “Bin” rather than “Ben”. I eventually realised it was an accent thing and stopped giving a shit very early.

27. Would you like to live in another country?

Yes, actually. For no small number of reasons. I’ve always wanted to live in Italy ever since I visited when I was 15.

28. Do you like to watch ghost hunting shows?

I definitely used to. I don’t really watch tv much in general anymore, though.

29. Who was the last person you said “I love you” too?

My mom.

30. What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Social interaction. Speaking in general. I’m MUCH more articulate in writing/typing than I am speaking.

31. Have you ever stayed up with someone who was sad?

Yes, and I’m always willing to do so.

32. What was the last thing you cooked?

I helped my good friend prepare some bomb ass ramen a few months back. I guess that counts.

33. Do you think you’d make a good parent?

I’d like to think so, yeah. I would make sure my children know I’m always there for them and will support the hell out of them.

34. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

I don’t, but my dipshit body does.

35. Where is your best friend right now?

All of them are either playing video games or asleep.

36. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Factoring in every aspect of the morning ritual, about 40 minutes. That’s if I’m going somewhere like work or school. If I’m staying home then there’s no getting ready for anything but sitting on my ass lol.

37. How late do you usually stay up at night?

Depends on the time of year/what I’m doing the next day. Right now during quarantine I average anywhere between 2am and 6am. I’m trying to fix that currently.

38. When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I truly cried was sometime in 2015. I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s latest album and feeling exceedingly lonely/depressed. It wasn’t a great day.

39. Have you ever won a contest?

None that I can remember, honestly.

40. Can you draw well?

Lol. No. I have very little visual artistic talent or skill.

41. Would you ever date someone you met on tumblr/the internet?

Definitely, though obviously I wouldn’t just jump right in. I’m down for long distance relationships, too. But obviously mutual trust and emotional connection would have to be established first.

42. What was the last thing you ate?

Some brownie fudge M&Ms lol.

43. Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend?

I don’t really know. Never been in a relationship so I don’t have anything go off of. On the one hand I’m super understanding, laid back, and accepting of boundaries. I just want to make sure people feel comfortable and safe around me. On the other hand I’m also forgetful and very selfish when it comes to my time. I also obviously have plenty of emotional trauma/baggage (who doesn’t?) that tends to impede how I interact with people, so. 🤷🏼‍♂️

44. Have you ever had a near death experience?

Not that I can remember, and I hope I never do. The closest I think I ever came was when I fell off a ropeless bridge into a dry riverbed at 4 years old. Got a concussion from that.

45. What do you think people think of you?

Well, my anxiety tells me I’m annoying and boring. The logical side of me tells me most people in my life enjoy my company, so I guess there’s that.

46. What is your middle name and do you like it?

Don’t feel like sharing my middle name here, but I will say I don’t dislike it. Kinda neutral.

47. Are you close with either of your parents?

Kinda. My parents were often emotionally distant/abusive to my brothers and me growing up, and it’s left me rather stunted emotionally, and generally unwilling to establish a deeper relationship with them. We’re a bit closer than we were when I was a teenager, but honestly not much.

48. Do you like yourself?

Generally speaking? No. There are parts of me I’m proud of, but honestly I often find myself wishing I was someone else. I’m far from the self-loathing I experienced when I was younger, though.

49. State five facts about your appearance—

1. I’m 6’1”-ish.

2. Definitely just a bit chubby.

3. Blue eyes.

4. Currently sporting longer hair because I haven’t had a haircut since about September.

5. I have a number of faded scars on my arms from various self inflicted/work related injuries. All of them were caused by extreme clumsiness/poor spacial awareness.

50. State five facts about your personality—

1. I’m super goofy—I make lots of weird noises and motions.

2. I tend to ramble about things I’m interested in, particularly hyper fixations.

3. I like to think I’m a pretty compassionate human being.

4. Extremely awkward, but strangely that doesn’t show because I’m apparently a social chameleon.

5. I’m an observer, but also an overthinker.

Whew, that was a lot! Thank you, friend!

#asks #answered asks

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junker-town · 4 years

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These are the best and worst sports in fiction, according to us

What is your favorite fictional sport and why is it Calvinball?

Inventing a sport is hard. The best fictional sports from movies/books/shows/etc. seem to fall into two categories: Either exceedingly clever games you have always wished you could play (and sometimes can!), or senseless, broken dreck that no one could possibly find fun, no matter what a story’s canon would lead you to believe.

Here are the best and worst fictional sports, as selected by SB Nation staff. There are a lot of other options out there, however, and plenty of discussion to be had about what sports even count as “fictional.” Does a sport you can “play” in a video game count? What about, uh, murder-based sports?

Let us know in the comments. Or just yell at us about our decisions. That’s fine, too.

Best: Jumanji

I wanted to consider the board game oeuvre of fictional sports, and considered Cones of Dunshire for the top spot. But Jumanji is it to me for the way it captured my imagination as a kid. Will it inflict untold damage, and potential death, upon you and everyone around for miles? Sure. It may also turn you into a cool monkey boy with a prehensile tail. Just roll the dice, dingus, it’s your turn.

Worst: Star Wars holochess (I guess it’s called Dejarik)

It’s kinda like Magic: The Gathering crossed with chess. The board looks too cramped for much strategy to take place, though. Plus you have to let the Wookiee win.

— Louis Bien

Best: Blernsball

Blernsball is the 30th-century version of baseball, which took place in Futurama (Season 3, episode 16, “A Leela of Her Own”).

The reasoning behind this being the best fictional sport, is that baseball in the future undoubtedly has to be better than baseball in its current form. It’s that simple. Baseball is good now, and assuming they were to actually evolve over nine more centuries, it could be great.

But that’s also a big if.

Worst: Poohsticks

The objective of Poohsticks (from Winnie-the-Pooh, obv) is to stand over some running water, drop a stick, and see whose stick gets down to the end first.

Go play Fortnite or Call of Duty instead.

— Harry Lyles Jr.

Best: BASEketball

A sport that combines all the fun of basketball with none of the running, jumping, or otherwise-needed athletic traits one needs to typically be good at basketball. Any game you can play with a beer in hand is a good one. Especially if all you have to do to play defense is remind opponents how their sister’s GOING OUT WITH SQUEAK.

Worst (but not really): Bouillabaseball

It’s just baseball with fish parts. I expected better from the ALF writer’s room, but I still stan the Equinox Weenies.

— Christian D’Andrea

Best/Worst: Vampire Baseball

Though I’m loathe to admit I’ve read “Twilight,” I would like to make fun of “Twilight,” so here we are. Basically, in the book, a real treat for our heroine was getting to watch Edward and his vampire family play vampire baseball. Wow, sounds fun, they have superhuman abilities I wonder what their sports will be like?!

Get your hopes down, it’s just regular baseball that’s louder. Because they hit the ball so hard. Great date idea Edward, Bella gets to watch your family game of regular baseball. She doesn’t even get to play. I can’t believe she likes Edward more than Jaco— I mean I don’t care, Twilight’s for children.

— Clara Morris

Best: The Running Man

I’m sure there are some prudes out there saying “but Jaaaames, murder isn’t a sport!” To which I would reply “it is the REALEST sport, even when fictionalized.”

The Running Man is unquestionably one of the greatest action movies of all time, which game us the best fictional sport of all time. It’s professional wrestling, with all its pomp and circumstance mixed American Gladiators with a healthy sprinkling of pure, unadulterated murder.

In case you’re not familiar with the plot, the basic concept is simple: Dangerous convicted felons are given a chance to fight for their freedom in gladiatorial battles against armed, themed enforcers on a dystopian game show. It probably says something about me that I like this so much, but here we are.

Worst: Taking the Stone

This is from the show Farscape and is the dumbest thing of all time. Rather than try to explain in my own words let me just share the entry from Wikipedia, which does a great job detailing how dumb this is.

“The game consists of jumping into a deep well, and chanting while falling. A sonic net at the bottom of the well, sustained by the participants’ voices, cushions their fall. When the youth reach the age of 22 cycles, rather than grow old and be deformed by the planet’s radiation, they stop chanting part way into the leap and die against the rocks. This death is called Taking the Stone.”

Jumping into a well. Maybe killing yourself. Bad sport.

— James Dator

Best: Cricket

Or, more specifically, the good Dr. Stephen Maturin’s take on cricket. At the beginning of Patrick O’Brian’s The Fortune of War, what can only be described as the hulk of the HMS Leopard drifts into the Indonesian bay of Pulo Batang. The crew, exhausted by their recent ordeal in the Southern Ocean, relaxes with a game of cricket against that of the HMS Cumberland. Or they try to, before Maturin, equipped with a bizarre, home-made bat, makes his appearance on the behalf of the Leopards.

A rapacious grin ran round the Cumberlands: they moved much closer in, crouching, their huge crab-like hands spread wide. The Admiral held the ball to his nose for a long moment, fixing his adversary, and then delivered a lob that hummed as it flew. Stephen watched its course, danced out to take it as it touched the ground, checked its bounce, dribbled the ball towards the astonished cover-point and running still he scooped it into the hollow of his hurley, raced on with twinkling steps to mid-off, there checked his run amidst the silent stark amazement, flicked the ball into his hand, tossed it high, and with a screech drove it straight at Jack’s wicket, shattering the near stump and sending its upper half into a long, graceful trajectory that reached the ground just as the first of La Flèche’s guns, saluting the flag, echoed across the field.

As far as rebukes towards English pretensions go, deliberate or not, it’s pretty hard to beat Dr. Maturin’s efforts. This is cricket as it really ought to be played: nonsensically and with maximum force.

NB: My favourite part of the above passage, incidentally, is the confusion it created amongst O’Brian’s significant American audience over whether Dr. Maturin was any good at cricket or not.

Worst: Quidditch

Take a perfectly good magical sport, with three goals, multiple balls, rogue and malevolent magical items designed to hurt you, and flying. The bones of quidditch are close to perfect, giving scope for brilliant tactical and individual play in three dimensions.

And then the Golden Snitch ruins it. There’s absolutely no need for the damn thing. The chasers, beaters and keepers are playing an interesting, well-constructed sport. The seekers, meanwhile, are playing a ridiculous version of hide-and-seek which almost inevitably overrides what everyone else on both teams are trying to achieve.

Not only does the hunt for the Snitch render the actually good part of the sport irrelevant, it also destroys quidditch as a spectator sport. Since the Snitch is so small as to be untrackable, the audience in the stands has no idea what’s going on at any given time, making this a sport that’s both nonsensical and impossible to follow.

Kill the Snitch, and then we’ll talk.

— Graham MacAree

Best: Crunchball 3000

Now I know what you’re all thinking. What the hell is CrunchBall 3000. Well it’s a computer game that has LORE.

The game has elements of rugby, soccer and football and is an excellent time waster at wo— I mean it’s a really underrated way to pass the time.

Worst: Quidditch ... but in real life.

*It’s not really the worst, I just wanted to talk about it.*

Don’t get me wrong, IRL quidditch is fun. I’m just mad that the one time I played, I was the seeker and the snitch could go anywhere. We were in a park and there were no boundaries. I stopped chasing them after three minutes. I have asthma, man. I was off it.

— Kofie Yeboah

Best: Calvinball

When I was a kid in my hometown, there were a few boys on my street who were around the same age as me. In the summer, we would all spend our hard earned pop-bottle deposit returns on buying used baseballs at rummage sales and then use them to play in an open field down the road from our houses. Baseball is actually a very loose term for what we played, especially once the ball was lost or the cover tore off. Then it was a free for all. Little did I know until later in my development that such games as those we played were already mastered by the titular characters in Calvin and Hobbes. Calvinball, you see, is a game with no rules, other than the rules you make up as you go along. No two games are allowed to be the same, and no rules made up on the fly are allowed to be duplicated. Throw on some masks, hit a baseball with a mop and go score some points by running seven times around the sprinkler. Wait! The sprinkler is now the loser zone, so you have to use a croquet mallet to hit a tennis ball over the driveway without it touching any dirt or concrete. If it does, you lose 10 points.

“Other kids’ games are all such a bore!

They’ve gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!

Calvinball is better by far!

It’s never the same! It’s always bizarre!

You don’t need a team or a referee!

You know that it’s great, ‘cause it’s named after me!”

As Calvin opined in the final Calvinball strip when a football game turned into one of the crazy contests, “Sooner or later, all our games turn into Calvinball.”

There really isn’t a better sport out there, real or fictional.

Worst: Star Trek’s parrises squares

Let’s keep this portion short and sweet: They never gave any rules to parrises squares on the show, but it clearly is dumb because there is no way the folks who made Star Trek: The Next Generation were able to come up with a cool sport. That’s probably why they didn’t bother showing viewers much of the game, which is played with an “ion mallet” on a padded playing field.

I know no other details. But it’s is clearly dumber than real-life quidditch, which is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever watched in my entire life.

— Sam Eggleston

Best: Rocket League

Video games are murky territory, and I’m not sure if most of them can be classified as fictional sports. Is Counter-Strike a fictional sport, or a simulation of a military operation? I’m not really sure. But Rocket League is unquestionably a game about a fake sport, and it is by far the best fake sport anyone’s ever invented.

Soccer is the most popular sport ever invented by humans. The coolest iteration of soccer ever invented is from Nike’s 3v3 Secret Tournament ad, which was played in a metal cage. Rocket League iterates on this concept further by replacing the human competitors with freaking rocket powered cars. If it was possible to create Rocket League in real life, it would be the world’s most popular spectator sport.

Worst: Professional wrestling

Oh no, I’ve exposed the business! It’s difficult to classify wrestling as a type of sports or entertainment, hence the term “sports entertainment,” but essentially it’s a TV show about a fake sports league. There’s no non-fixed sport that bears a strong resemblance to pro wrestling, so I think it’s fair to classify pro wrestling as a fictional sport.

Wrestling Twitter, don’t scream at me. I am not here to talk shit about the entertainment you love. I’ve watched thousands of hours of pro wrestling and I love it. But as an actual sport, it’s kind of a mess. There are no published rules, and the referees seem utterly incapable of enforcing the ones that broadcasters tell us about. Competitors are not punished for repeatedly assaulting referees. Any sensible sport would have introduced additional referees or an instant replay system after 100 years of consistent shenanigans, but the major pro wrestling organizations simply refuse. No fictional sport has less competitive integrity.

— Kim McCauley

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atcostmag · 7 years

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Yes You Are’s Kianna Alarid on former band Tilly and the Wall, her Chicana identity and being featured on the Super Bowl

Through her alma-mater Tilly and the Wall, Kianna Alarid has seen it all. At one point, it felt like Kianna was on top of the world with her songs plastered over ads (and even on the 2014 Super Bowl) as well as some high-profile features from starring on Sesame Street to dropping a track with Tiesto. But it wasn’t something that would last forever and as the indie-pop explosion Nebraska soon died out in favor of the more central Williamsburg scene, things started to slow and stagnate for Alarid. Searching the world but failing to find the right musical collaborator, combined with post-partum depression and a relapse from 8 years of sobriety, took a toll on Kianna. Starting anew and back on her feet, Alarid found herself in Kansas City, Missouri and formed her latest act Yes You Are. A rush of new energy and ideas came back to Kianna and now out of the woods it seems like things are looking up for Alarid again. After all, you gotta be doing something right if the 2017 Super Bowl wants to feature your music again.

I last met Kianna back in 2008 during one of Tilly and the Wall’s last few shows, but it would be nearly 7 years later until we would catch up again, in a promo email. Since then we’ve been writing each other, and appreciating each others’ quirks on Instagram and Facebook, and a long time in the works we finally decided to get an interview down. We spoke candidly to Kianna about the last few years and what it all meant, that and other things among why the Kansas City Royals is the best team ever.

Tell us about your beginnings and meeting your former band Tilly and the Wall.

When I was 15 I met Todd, Clark and Joel (The Faint,) but at that time I just knew them as Omaha's best skateboarders, along with my boyfriend at the time. I was very involved in the skate community and was always hanging out with them and found out that they were also musicians. I got very into the underground Omaha scene through them, listening to bands like Commander Venus, Norman Bailer and Simon Joyner. After a few years, my boyfriend and I broke up and I didn't see that crew for a while.

I started playing in my first real band when I was 18 with a few friends of mine. We were really into hardcore and metal at that time and wanted to write and play that kind of music. I only played bass at that time, I had never really sung, although I did rap during one song. I met a lot of people involved in that scene in Omaha and many of them had crossover relationships with people playing in the indie music scene. I started seeing my old friends around again who were no longer skating as much, and were way more focused on their new band The Faint and playing with bands like Bright Eyes and Cursive. I started hanging out with that crew way more when I turned 21 and started going to karaoke with a handful of them. We went all the time, sometimes 3 times a week. That's actually how I really started singing and came to realize I wasn't half bad.

We were out at a bar one night when a few of them were taking about starting a new band, their old band was called Park Ave., and I basically invited myself to be a member of this hypothetical new band and they were like, right on! That band was called Magic Kiss and though it didn't last long, one of the members Jamie Williams and I became very close and we continued to hang out and write music together. She invited me over one day to meet these two weirdos, Nick and Derek, also musicians, who had just moved to town from Atlanta, Georgia. We all hit it off big time. We starting hanging out all the time, playing music and just having a blast together. We decided to become a real band soon after that and asked Jamie's old band mate Neely to join as well. That's how Tilly started, from my perspective.

Though you were born in Omaha, your family is from New Mexico and proudly wear the labels Chicano and Native American. Tell us what that identity means to you?

Both sides of my family are originally from very small towns and villages in New Mexico. I grew up identifying as "Chicano" which, according to my relatives meant "displaced" and wasn't used with the more commonly known definition of "Mexican-American". My family used the word more radically, to refer to a race of people specific to New Mexico, who were a genetic mix of the native people of that area, who had lived there for thousands of years, and the Spanish explorers who colonized the area in 1598. There was always a vibe of resistance surrounding the term and we had strong sense of culture relating to our indigenous roots. Kachinas, sand paintings, heavy turquoise jewelry.. these were all normal things in my world. I understand more now why "displaced" was used to describe our people, although possibly the word "outsider" could be interchanged. New Mexico is a very strange and magical place and has a very interesting culture, including a different sort of "singing" Hispanic accent and completely unique food. Not to mention all the UFOs and aliens.

At one point Omaha was to indie pop like Seattle was to grunge. What was it like to be in Nebraska during the height of the scene?

It was awesome! We were a very tight knit group of people and anyone you ask from that group will tell you, with shivers on their arms, about the night when everything changed. The Faint was set play this big venue we had always known to be a place for bigger, touring bands and everyone was excited to see how that would pan out. We all sat there, shocked and stunned as hundreds and hundreds of people kept arriving... people we didn't know or recognize. It had always just been us at the shows before... a lot of people, but you at least sort of recognized most of the crowd. This was different, it was just so many new faces. It was the first time anything like that happened and it just kept happening from there on out with Bright Eyes and Cursive and so on. At first we were just like, "Who are all these people coming to our friends' shows!?" Then it just blew up. It was so exciting to be there and help out and celebrate our friends' successes.

Of course, there’s the highs and lows of touring. What was it like battling with sobriety?

Addiction is a funny thing, it seems to easily go hand in hand with being an artist. It has been the downfall of so many incredible and gifted people throughout history. Drinking is such a normalized part of our society, so it seems pretty harmless in the beginning. I can see why its so destructive. Its a sneaky thing. I am a very intense person, so for me, it makes it a life or death choice. When you're faced with that reality, it makes it much more clear that you need to choose wisely. I want to live and I want to do my job for as long as possible, so I'm staying sober. To me, having drinks isn't worth missing my destiny.

I like the fun and funkiness of Yes You Are. Tell us about how “Holy Ghost Explosion (HGX)” came about?

Well, I think all our songs are weird. We aren’t writing from a typical perspective and aren’t even doing this for any typical reasons. We have something to say but it can’t really be said.. so we dance with words in order to cause a certain phenomenon in a certain listener. Could it be you? “HGX” started as an nod to Timbaland and wound up as something else.. but still has that 808 vibe and a fun beat to get down to. Its a creeper and possibly its creepy too, depending on how you look at it.

youtube

“HGX” stands for “Holy Ghost Explosion”, which was the title of this viral YouTube video a while back of some Pentecostals really going WILD. Something about the name of the video stuck with us and we would up using it the song lyric. We had started referring to the song as “Holy Ghost Explosion” and then after some time, we just started saying “HGX” as that's how we would write it on set lists.

youtube

Honestly, I never would have taken you as a sports fan. Tell us about your newfound love for sports and more specifically, the Kansas City Royals.

I grew up with jocks for parents and I just could not relate. They have always been die hard Cubs fans and baseball was always on our tv but i just couldn't get into it. It wasn't until I reluctantly watched the Royals play in the 2014 Wild Card game that I thought... "Wait, what is THIS? This is baseball? Holy sh*t!" I haven't really missed many games since that night. Learning the game and understanding it has been a huge revelation for me. I can’t really get into it here because it would take too long, but there is a poetry to the game of baseball that goes far deeper than meets the eye. I never would have guessed I’d become a sports fan but the 2014 KC Royals did some kinda alchemy in me and I’ve never been the same since. Its awesome. These games, these insanely high paid players… it all seems so insignificant on the surface, and possibly for some people it is. To those who have been touched by the metaphors of it all.. its very much something else. Its so beautiful. I even have a closer bond with my parents. I get it now.

Well, for a sports fan being on the Super Bowl not once but twice is certainly the honor. What was it like being on the Super Bowl not only with Tilly and the Wall but with Yes You Are?

We had no idea that our song was going to be on the Pepsi Super Bowl commercial. I was doing our taxes, tuned into the station that day and suddenly the song was on. I just sort of blanked out.. then my phone blew up. It was amazing to us, like a sign of some kind. We have believed in Yes You Are for so long and have just pushed steadily along through hard times and better times but for this amazing thing to be given to us… it certainly felt like a sign that something bigger and better is coming.

So it seems like you've done a lot in your career. What's next?

What’s next is putting out our debut album and getting our songs known throughout the universe and beyond!

Last question! I heard you're an MMA fan as well. What did you think of the Conor McGregor versus Mayweather spectacle? This is probably completely crazy but do you think you'd entertain the idea of fighting Floyd Mayweather if the chance came up?

No. Definitely no, I would not fight Floyd Mayweather! I guess I may entertain the thought of letting him beat me up for 100 million dollars though (laughs). I thought the whole McGregor/Mayweather thing was just that, a spectacle. I heard the fight was really good and I also heard they hugged like old, rich-ass friends afterward so, whatever (laughs). You know actually, I am a big fan of the Diaz brothers. They're such ninjas! Nate Diaz actually inspired me to start training Brazilian jiu jitsu at Kansas City BJJ but I stopped after a while because some of the chokes we were doing compromised my throat on more than one occasion. Those guys are killers (laughs). I had a sore throat for over a week and I just couldn't risk it. I miss it a lot though and I do remember my training and drills so... just saying.

Check out Yes You Are on Spotify below:

#kianna alarid #yes you are #tilly and the wall #music

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jkachinsky-criticalpractice · 7 years

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Final Essay

The 2013 movie Ender’s Game is an adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s 1991 novel of the same name, which in turn is an update of the 1985 version. It brings a new focus to the issues of distance and simulation endemic to an era of drone warfare. From there it delves deeper into the mindsets of enemy combatants, seeking the reasons why people make war, and finds a complex of mirrored monstrosity and ignorance. Finally, the Christian morality carried over from the original book firmly condemns war on the grounds that all nations, however different, are essentially comprised of persons capable of living in universal harmony- but in doing so, avoids both a pragmatic, materialist analysis of conflict and a true moral condemnation of the actors. Ender’s Game is a meditation on the psychology of modern war, which shades, in Orson Scott Card’s typical style, into a morality play; one that paradoxically reveals the futility of rendering moral judgment in a post-modern, post-monster world.

The movie begins, appropriately, with a group of children playing a game. Ender faces off against another boy in a simulated dogfight, each holding and manipulating a tablet in a way that closely resembles children playing video games on a smartphone, tablet, or other modern platform. Also familiar is the content of the game, in isolation and in context. The idea of a video game where the player pilots a spaceship with the goal of destroying an opponent’s ship is not at all new to us, despite lacking the technology to do so in real life. On the other hand, in the context of the narrative, the simulation is no longer a science fiction game but a realistic war game, another common genre. Later, in battle school, the battles between armies less resemble video games and more resemble sports. Correspondently, the relationship between gameplay and a real battle or war becomes more abstract and less explicit. Instead of spaceships interacting via complex simulations of astrophysics and rocket science in a realistic outer space environment, the children play something closer to zero gravity laser tag.

Ender’s Game adds weight to these games by making them practical training for future military officers instead of idle entertainment. This hearkens on one level to frequent criticisms of violent video games, including or especially war games, as gateways to real violent behavior in the future, as well as to stereotypes of sports enthusiasts as violent individuals who use simulated violence to supplement or substitute for the real thing. On another level, it makes an interesting point about how a culture of war games is used to condition young people for military service. The comparison between the operation of a drone to kill people at a distance and the mode of play in a recreational flight simulator or fighting game has been made many times in recent years. And by the end of the movie, we discover that the simulated violence of command school- the final series of simulations meant to test the skills of the team of graduates- was not only a gateway to real violence, but was in itself real violence. Throughout command school, the viewer is given hints that the games Ender is playing against Mazer Rackham are not only games- most memorably, his scolding about the loss of too many ships in a failed match. Another point where simulation blurs with reality is in the mind game. This game was already designed to reflect the player’s real emotional state, and in the end we find it had been coopted as a tool of communication between Ender and the Formic queen- two real people, as opposed to one real person and a generated construct. The game shows him a real place instead of a fantasy world, and eventually he uses his memory of the simulated queen to discover a real Formic egg. But before that, when Ender discovers that the simulated battles have been real the whole time, he is adamant that he would never use the tactics he used to win battles that he thought were games in an actual war.

However, is this statement of moral outrage really credible? We know that Ender, on two prior occasions, responded to an attack by severely, or possibly even fatally, injuring his opponent. In one case, he explicitly stated that the reason was to pre-empt future attacks, the same reason commonly cited for initiating a second Formic War. Ender’s Game could easily be a story about the cruel necessity of evil during war. Yet the narrative takes pains to avoid casting humanity in general, including Colonel Graff and Mazer Rackham, and especially Ender, as monsters. The movie is careful to show each party’s motive and justification for the things they do, however morally questionable.

The key reason for war, then, according to the movie, is fear. Humanity fears a second invasion, and so attacks preemptively. Ender fears further attacks from his bullies, so he fights to incapacitate rather than just escape. The Formics, it is implied, fought the first war because of a fear of death due to lack of water. These fears breed ruthlessness- ruthlessness that the narrative condemns, except in Ender’s case. The Formics are from the beginning presented as an enemy that was gloriously defeated due to their invasion, and the other characters are treated at various points to shows of moral outrage or fits of self-recrimination. And while Ender plainly feels guilt for the things he does, there is always another character there to reassure him; to articulate his reasons and explain to both him and the audience why he was justified. Why does the movie insist that Ender is more ethical than other war-makers? Why is he permitted to finally condemn the Formic genocide? What is the moral difference between his violence and the violence of the International Fleet?

Ender himself tells us the difference in his words to Valentine: “I've won because I've always understood the way my enemy thinks… I think it's impossible to truly understand someone and not love them the way they love themselves. But in that moment… I destroy them.” This issue of true understanding, we find, is actually the root of Ender’s criticism after the destruction of the Formic homeworld. “If I’d known it was real,” he says, “I would have… watched them! What were they thinking?” He doesn’t offer a different strategic course that he would have taken- another, more ethical way to win or prevent future aggression. The first thing he would have done differently was understand his opponent better, and thereby be sure that there was no course other than war. We see him do this at other times, seeking to placate his bullies however he can before resorting to physical fighting. To the narrative, this justifies his war-making. On the face of it, this is a coherent moral point- some actions can be considered ethical courses if, but only if, they are a last resort to prevent a worse outcome.

This idea also forms the foundation of Ender’s Game’s overarching themes about understanding as a moral signifier. Ender’s perfect understanding, and thereby perfect love, make him both the most effective warrior and the most moral character in the movie. Other characters, less moral and less adept than Ender, fail because of their ignorance, and how it leads them to war. The bullies do not understand that Ender will genuinely avoid threatening their status and prestige, so they attack him. The adults do not understand the Formics, so they attack them in order to prevent another invasion. They do not understand the children they train, so they are forced to put them through cruel tests in order to be sure of their usefulness to the war effort. And though this is not explicitly confirmed or denied in the movie, a reader of the novel would tend to carry over the idea that the Formics, having a hive mind, did not understand that killing individual humans was destroying fully sentient beings as opposed to drones. In each case, ignorance leads to wrong, destructive, even monstrous actions. And the other side of it, is that ignorance permitted these actions because it also permitted the dehumanization of those harmed- ignorance led each of these human war-makers to wonder if, and then to fear that, their opponent was a monster who could and would at any moment destroy them or their way of life. Ender, then, is superior not because he necessarily refuses to go as far, or do the same things- in fact, it’s heavily implied that in the right circumstances, he might- but because he would act from a place of love and understanding as opposed to ignorance. He could never see his opponents as monsters, as he uses his understanding of them to destroy them, and, in an unusual corollary, this understanding also means that that destruction cannot make him a monster. And at last, the movie drives the point home by making the only act of war which he will not be justified in (and thus will be made truly monstrous by) the only act of war which he undertakes out of ignorance- not knowing that the simulated battles he fought were real.

The issue with this, of course, is that wars are not actually fought due to ignorance and fear. The Christian injunction to love our neighbor (or rather, our enemy) as ourselves has little power to truly prevent war- in the world of Ender’s Game, perfect understanding between combatants would have been enough to prevent genocide. In the real world, most people understand on some level that, in the immortal words of Smedley Butler, war is a racket. The issues of monstrosity, ignorance, and fear that the movie raises are very much present in the psychology of individual soldiers and citizens of the nations at war, as well as in the propaganda used to raise popular support- but wars do not start because of popular support or fears. They start because of a desire on the part of the powerful for more power or resources, and if the populace cannot be convinced to participate by fears of an unknown monstrous opponent, they can be forced by things like a military draft.

Ender’s Game is a movie that insists that anyone we truly understand, we cannot see as a monster. It insists that we understand the real thoughts, feelings, and motives of those who make war. And it tells us that those war-makers, if taken out of their ignorance, would mutually agree that all sentient beings, however different, should not be monsters to each other. But this refusal to make the war-makers genuinely unsympathetic prevents these ideas from carrying over into praxis. Ender is able to incapacitate his bullies despite his empathy for them, but his guilt over this is at times debilitating. Likewise, how can we confidently act against those who make war, or otherwise do evil, if we must also understand and love them perfectly? It’s easy to say that mutual understanding would solve the problem, but we do not live in a world of mutual understanding, or a world where ignorance is truly the primary cause for conflict. That is the practical problem at the center of postmodern relativism- the problem of making and acting on judgments when no judgment can be objective. And how can we act on a subjective judgment when we must also acknowledge our enemies as subjects? This is the question that Ender’s Game raises, but cannot, like so much contemporary media, offer a satisfactory answer.

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