#But im less sad so im back for a bit

[ruporas]

post ep 11

#trigun stampede #trigun #meryl stryfe #nicholas d wolfwood #vash the stampede #i cant even elaborate on this episode bc ive spent all day Thinking about it yesterday #and it made me Miserable #i just want to see vash have some autonomy again... #he is a little bit more on the quieter end for stampede as less angry about things but i dont think he's more of a coward in stampede #even though he was transported into his memories and saw and heard those terrible things from the kids and wolfwood #he was able to gather himself and keep going #his resilience has always been the strongest and also saddest thing about him #so it killed me irreversibly when he lost the one person who he could always look back to reliably #the fact knives couldnt even alter anything in rem's dialogue within those memories just stands for how strong her place is in vash's memory #and potentially knives just knows that would be too ooc of her to make in any Universe if she had something horrible. #man. I TALKED ABOUT THIS IN LIKE ALL 3 PLATFORMS. I'm alright with Knives as a character but jesus #- i did it all for you - im so sad that vash had to hear something like that. im so so sad about it #anyway i hope meryl stays safe shes done so much #i love her so much <3 #ruporas art

[effervescentleaf]

suddenly everything new i see online is from people my age (i predicted this there is no escape from 18-20 year olds) but its just making me kinda sad seeing them all have fun & be kids & hang out with their friend groups & just have lives in general because i spend 90% of my life in my bedroom and i just feel like i missed out on half of my childhood so i'm going to make it my mission to make up for it

#leafposts #do i need to tag this as anything #idk #delete later #(maybe) #like i'm just a lil bit sad that i didn't have that #i was miserable in school though #even if it didn't feel like i was at the time #anyways enjoy my monthly feeling sorry for myself post come back next time for more #i deleted like half the text so it seems less bad now #need to put shit like this on my webpage instead of here so it doesn't feel like im telling people & more like im talking to myself #i hate living in the countryyyyyy #and the weather is so so awful #i'm not one to miss the summer in fact i hate the summer #so sticky & sweaty & theres BUGS #but oh my god summer can't come soon enough

[franeridan]

nearly done with my op reread and for the longest time my theory was that the d marked the descendants of the people native of the island that eight hundred years ago fought the twenty nations, but rereading the part about lili I thought maybe it's more lax and it marks everyone who opposed the current government in general, not just those from the island - she was the queen of one of the twenty kingdoms after all, and imu didn't seem to know the nefertaris had a d in the name as well, but before the war there would have been no reason to hide it? so i think it's something they added to their names later, maybe to recognise each other as allies? or something? the kozuki were obviously allied too and don't have a d though, so I can't say this theory makes a hundred percent sense. also i find interesting how law is hiding the water part of his name too together with the d, i wonder if that has any further meaning? another interesting thing is that there seems to have been some form of prophecy or prediction about what's currently happening in the manga, since oden knew he had to wait twenty years and the sea monsters in the oden flashback on fishmen island were talking about it too... maybe a prediction about a war? since oden wanted to unleash pluton. I wonder what exactly they found out on laugh tale that made them all laugh when the events the wg is keeping secret seem to be this tragic... also, i think i never even noticed during my first readthrough of egghead but there's someone offshore with blackbeard's flag? a small boat, it seems, but I think atm we know all blackbeard pirates are either on the pirate island or fighting against the hearts (;;;) so I wonder who exactly that is? also, I didn't catch this either first time around but I feel like the germa might just be heading there as well right now lmao the thing with kuma returning to mariejois happening so soon after vp talked about the ancient robot attacking mariejois and no one knowing why is also suspicious to me, I wonder if vegpunk used data from that robot to turn kuma into a cyborg and that's tied to why he returned there for apparently no reason...?? anyway I thought rereading would help me clear up some questions but instead it left me with even more kkkk should have figured

#I'm about ten chapters away from the latest one im so sad #im also sad cause i just saw kidd and law lose once again but that's beside the point maybe #luffy is headed to elbaph next i wonder if he'll find kidd there... #i love shanks sm and i get why he protected his own but i love kidds crew i hope they're okay 😢😢😢😢 #the hearts too but i trust the hearts will be back #bc the manga used the word destroyed for kidd and defeated for the hearts #defeated sounds a bit less........ definitive #and also cause we know at least bepo and law are fine and bepo said to trust the crew to be fine too so #i don't think oda would be that big of a bastard #maybe blackbeard took them hostage hoping for law to be back since he obviously wanted the ope ope fruit? #maybe theyre with pudding now and they'll help her escape #maybe i need to stop setting myself up for disappointment lmao #but yes i trust the hearts to be back for now but im worried about the kidd pirates ;;;;;; #i hope shanks didn't kill them kidd had just become one of luffy's friends 😭😭 #also hoping garp didn't actually die but that's........like............... hoping in a delusional sort of way yk #on punk hazard kuzan told smoker to trust that his sense of justice is still intact #and i sorta like kuzan's morals tbh so i trust he knows what he's doing when he stands between blackbeard's crew #i just hope he won't regret it yk? man just maybe killed his life techer for this i hope this is worth it for him #also straight up i just don't want luffy to lose someone else like straight up my son doesn't deserve this #and dragon doesn't either!!! #i love dragon so much........i hope he'll be luffy-relevant soon..........

[possiblytracker]

got dragged to a pub quiz with some of my housemates buddies and was fully convinced i was not really gonna have a good time and itd probably be too loud and i wouldnt be much help etc etc etc bc my mood is still not great but i forgot im a competitive motherfucker when it comes down to it and the sheer rush of euphoria that comes from knowing a few more obscure answers that had the rest of the room hemming and hawing is gonna carry me through the next week probably

#when nobody else in the wetherspoons in rural wales knows what the capital of florida is or what you call a female swan #the big ass grin spreading across my face and sheer rush of Power listening to 2 people the next table over arguing over whether #its jacksonville or miami. you Fools. you absolute buffoons. i know more than you/j/j/j/j #i am so exhausted now and the 'yea this is Over you are enjoying urself too late' sadness is creeping back in but it was worth it #we came 3rd...... the prize was a whole pitcher of some cocktail for the group but i do not drink so i just went home to bed #a female swan is called a pen btw i knew that six month long job spouting swan facts at 8 year olds would come in handy someday #IDK i still have a lot to work through but i feel like i should make a slightly less depressing post today skdfjh;; #shoutout to my housemate for always somehow noticing when i have just not left my room in a day and coming to drag me out of it #i was so close to just not eating again (which tbf. i didnt. until like 6pm whoops) #but now i have done that AND touched grass AND socialised AND feel good abt myself a bit.. so..... #i worry a lot that people dont really. notice or care that much when im struggling/when they do that its annoying or a burden so #im very grateful to have people who care about me enough to try and pull me out of it. i hope wherever i end up after this #that i can surround myself with more people like that #man this feels pretty bittersweet to think about as well but in more of a cathartic kinda way. i guess #trying to think abt things slightly more positively so i dont turn into a festering black pit of bad vibes for the next few weeks #and my blog still inexplicably feels like the nicest place to sort through this kinda thing

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

you know it's bad when you hit the 30 tag limit

#like shut up i wasn't done #i feel so unbearably hurt and betrayed like how can i be SO. unimportant to him so less of a priority that he's literally organising his #desk instead of talking to me taking five mins to talk to an agent book a ticket in tatkal #i told him i had to be back by 20 even before coming here on like 5th #and ive been reminding hin this everyday since after diwali #still he just. doesn't care? #and im his daughter? am i his daughter? does it even mean anything????? #ive never felt more alienated from my family than today #isn't it sad i don't even expect anything from mom all she does is tries to lighten the mood by making jokes #im so sick of her even the sight of her her voice makes me want to shout at her #i don't do it ofc but still #everyone is so selfish she's so selfish too she's always complaining about how i don't love her how i don't give her a chance #but that she'll stay away from all important thinhs that actually matter to me like what's the point of having a mother then??? i have my #siblings to listen to me i have my friends you i need u to be an adult and fucking help me in real terms #nvmind that path is just hopeless #anyway in tired of my small fucking life and my same small fucking problems and my own fucking self #everything would be okay if i just studied a little bit harder #idk ive been practicing saying it out loud that i can't study more than tui and after seven times i can say it out loud now #without crying or my voice watering #so hopefully it will go well #tho in my experience i never actually get to sya the stuff i practice to say to him because he dominates the convo so early so fast im #left speechless and shocked and on the verge of tears AGAUN #it's fine im calm now #but after crying headache ugh i did not miss u at all going back to storing all breakdowns in a bottle

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the thing abt me is that if u complement me in an academic context i will melt #me walking into every interview: fuck this school. i dont wanna go there. im sad. on one is gonna want me. i can hardly function. fuck this #me walking out of every interview: fuck. the project is cool and they said nice things abt me 😭 #fuck. the guy from the lab i interviewed with basically said if u wanna be here i can make it happen. i like ur style and i think ur a #super good candidate 😭 and he quoted my wanky writing bc i got a bit flowery and idealistic lol #and hes on the admissions committee so he was like: yea i can support u if u want just let me kno #and fucking hell the project is cool. but the thing is i think id have to be less of a sad sac bc i think he expects a lot and is hands off #but it is a big institution with a lot of creative ppl and theyre good abt supporting interdisciplinary work #so like the opportunities there would be pretty fucking great i think. hhhhhh god. theres no way i could take the uk one now #fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person #or is it too late for that bc they already put my name forward to the committee #god dammit. this was the one i was supposed to b like yea no shot am i getting this. and now im like fucking considering it like #the opportunities.... but id have to live in new jersey... it would b closer to home i guess. id b back on east coast time #and i could work with Yellowstone organisms. and i bet the classes r pretty fucking rad education wise #god. decisions. im gonna play Choices by the Hoosiers like a million times #thats what i did wjen i was deciding to go for undergrad. and then i didnt even decide. i was just like... well i dont wanna go to the #place all my classmates r going. i will go 3hrs away. then 12hrs by plane for my masters #fuck. at least it went well. everyone was nice and the 2nd guy i talked to was like: #even if u dont go here. email me if u end up working with zinc and i can help. and i was like 😭 #i got a bit rambly with him but whatever he was 15min late so we're even lol #i was way too nervous. but it was ok. but also i dont understand wtf other incoming phd students r like?? #like they say im a good candidate and ive got good background and im like ??? what sort of losers r u looking at if u think im good? #i just think maybe what i wanna do is unique and very specific so im like not trying to do just anything. i have standards lol #and apparently im more coherent than i give myself credit for. i talk good sometimes and i have enthusiasm when i dont feel like im dying #god. i was not expecting this. i dont belong at a school working with tech startups like wtf. i come from a place of slightly trash #universities lol. well my undergrad uni wasnt so bad... well i mean the city is the butt of a lot of ohio related jokes tho. im looking at #u klinger. fucking mean streets of toledo. whatever the school im at now is worse. couldnt even keep my boss here smh #anyway what the fuck. and i got a lotta writing done today what the fuck #me being competent???? unheard of. god. imagine if i had my shit together. i could kill god. algae and other scientists would fear me #unrelated

[bobzora]

playing the sims sucks because 4 has way less depth than 3 but 3 runs like shit even with performance mods

#bobtalk #3 doesnt *lag* but loading screens are actually so rough and cas is a slog. #i cant even be happy about downloading an insane amount of cc because thats just more shit to very slowly load lol....crazy #3 does occasionally lag with nraas story progression on so i had to turn that off. sad! at least i get less notifications like this. #like my laptop is literally fine this game came out in 2009 why is it like this #if anyone has any hot tips for this let me know im pretty sure ive tried everything lol #btw im running on all the lowest graphics settings. looks bad. lol. #i also prefer the aesthetics of 4 but whatever lol #ill keep on coming back to 3 for a little bit then forgetting about it for another half a year.like sisyphus #btw i started s/mtiv. werent u playing portable and p/1 u ask. yes. my attention span is just fucked.im probs still gonna main p/3p.

[weenhands]

the only time today i manage to let out a genuine smile is while watching return frank doing a silly little dance while onstage during vampire money <333 dilfs are the only things protecting this country

#THAT ALMOSY TYPED OUT CUNTY #also yeah todsy was absolutely horrid ans terrible wnd i dony deserve to be alive idk #i was very upset. And it showed near loved ones ans i wish i wasnt alive i dont deserve literally anything im so terrible<333 #and i ended up napping early bc i was rllytired frommy walk #and on that walk i just really thought about how my ....Undiagnosed Ocd is literally ruining my life #bc atfirst i considered it anxiety and rumination and etc etc but now that im doingba bit of research it is almost perfectly #in the box of obsessive compulsive disorder #this has basically ruined my life since i was roughly 16 and ages 16 - 20 are a massive blur <33 no real goddamn memories #my life is terrible i just want to go back to when i was in middle school when i was just depressed but also happy at times #if i struggle make it so that i can at least feel like im here lol #but yea i got some clarity abt it all and i think its making sense #i just want to live again #i dont feel real and i wanna go offline too bc its showing on here too #me being like more grumpy and posting way less about frank #i feel like i lost my passion for mcr/frank a bit and rn its just me being depressedand letting my thoughts control me like they have #since i was in the 11th grade #whatever. i just hope tomorrow reflects the clarity i have and i dont end up so insanely sad #hhhhh<333 i hate mysekf so much i. an undeserving of so much especially my parents #i dont deserve a roof over my headim just some disabled idiot who is stuck in constant rumination <3333 idiot idiot die

[agayconcept]

.

#im taking a break from most of the internet / social media #i Will still be on tumblr bc its the only positive space ive curated for myself however not as often probably #just for a lil bit #bc my mental health is abysmal rn and a lot of it is bc of irl factors #like my estranged aunt harassing me w anti-trans vitriol to the point of having to legally deal w her bc she wont stop #but then also. coming online to see 500 headlines about the entire world wanting me dead for being trans is...a lot #and being on other social media sites and constantly receiving more threats is the straw that breaks the camels back #i am going to remove myself from those spaces until i feel less Poisoned with anger and hurt and sadness #bc right now i legit cant stop having anxiety attacks and making myself literally sick with worry #and i rly just need it to stop #so taking a step back it is #like i said tumblr is still ok for me so i will be here on and off but prob not responding to stuff etc #ok thanks this has been a PSA #transphobia tw #ask to tag

[thecherrygod]

... man i just remembered how last night i had a dream by the end of it there was a cat, and in it i said "oh she looks exactly like tigra!! are you also an attention seeking dumbass like her?" and it was so i may have actually dreamt about her

#my posts #my dreams #sorta i dont care about the rest of that one dream #..... i miss her she was the best creature ive ever met #like yeah i may be allergic to cats. yeah she did basically want to be constantly near or on top of me like a baby #which ended up with me struggling with allergy a lot. but she WAS my baby #... itd be her bday next month. and last month was the anniversary of her death. so im not really surprised #this happened once before and it was even sadder so its not the worst case scenario sdighds #but i miss her that little dumbass made it less than 3 months to be a 21 y-o cat #..... that. means shes been gone for 4 years now huh #man. #theres a cat nearby on a house that i pass when i take the bus for class and depending on the day when i come back home #her name is michy and shes a calico like she was but her face is more of the flat type and her eyes are dif color #but shes also an atention seeking dumbass and she is very sweet and always meows at me when i see her #she is making me both want a cat a lot again and also letting me live vicariously through someone elses pet siuhsug #...... idk what im doing im just rambling im trying to be a bit less sad i guess sghsiguhsg #im gonna watch some stupid videos and then im gonna return here to be bisexual over middle aged men maybe #i just had to get it out of me bc yeah i miss her a lot

[astrxealis]

damn i never thought i'd get into stardew valley this much but here we are !! makes perfect sense tho

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #heyy this adds to my roster of games that actually have Evidence #gotta play more soulsborne legitimately soon so i have more evidence of my range LMFAO ... #i love how my. taste in games is really broad tbh! i'm willing to try anything out but i do uhh am less inclined to the more popular ones? #unless i get into them by way of. personal. or without outside influence #but if there's a certain something that makes me dislike a media yeah ... i do end up more indifferent tho. ultimately #i think sdv is another huge example of how me and lune really go all in when getting into smth #like terraria. but we end up forgetting about it pretty soon after. oops! #it depends tbh on how bored we are? how much we have to do. so yeah #xiv was That for a very long time bcs we didn't really have anything else uhh insert hashtag xiv was there for us when nobody was #aaa so thankful to xiv fr. idk. i think about what it has done for me sometimes and i get really emotional! #also funny how things connect. i got back into tumblr bcs of jjk and then connected w others mostly thru gi. and then twt thru a friend i #met thru a school event wholy thru chance. who got me back into twt where i connected with others thru ff(xiv) #and i find it fascinating how people make friends irl! i think its easy for me to feel that way 1. its just who i am lol its in my nature #2. im more of a bystander so. yeah. ez for me to study people and people-watch. idm that much tbh #it's funny... hmm interesting? a bit sad too. wnvr i want to. Take A Step Further. i end up not caring anymore LMFAOOO but tbh it's really #nice in the long run! my outlook on life is pretty weird tbh like uhh... idk. hard to explain. complex #whenever i face a problem i'm. absolutely confident i'll get over it. and unfortunately i feel like that... sense of confidence is rather ra #rare*? idk. and the fact i've always known (always!) i'd love myself no matter what. even if sometimes i would be really insecure. i never #truly hated myself and i sincerely doubt i ever will. but the fact i often suceed and rise from my failures that sometimes they don't feel #like failures doesn't mean that uhh i'll end up facing my downfall through. naive confidence? i try to be self-aware and do my best for no #regrets and it's fascinating how my values in life are shaped by my past. not just me. everyone. damn. i think the formative years of a #person are so goddamn fascinating and also i'm still unsure what i want for college but it's already fucking march HELP #anyway wow. i dont want to be too harsh on myself if the What If bad scenario/s end up happening but i'll really try my best #my aunts on my dad side both got into up diliman and i'll be damned if i don't. i know i can do it. i just gotta put in a ton of effort. #okay rambles bye bye #also i've been staying up until 3/4 ever since break LMFAOOO SDV HAS RUINED ME dw i'll be good again next week lmfao

[jackalopefreckles]

SURGEON SAID I COULD TAKE OFF THE MEDICAL BINDER IT FEELS WEIRRD ITS SO WEIRD IM LAYING IN BED AND LIKE what the fuck what the fuck I can feel my whole fucking??? Just me what the fuck whatr eufkc wbat3 the fuck

#this is amazing and kinda overwhelming and idk Im gonna try and sleep without it but Im also able to?? breath with my whole chest AND?? #i dont feel those fucking triple ds this whole time part of me was feea #freaking just the fuck out #i kinda am now Just its so nice #but like kinda sad because it feels a bit too much like being the only one at the hormone clinic by themselves #like youre happy and its great but even the doctor is going to ask questions about why youre alone #especially on your first appointment and idk its not a lie to say that they were just busy #its also not a lie to say no one knows #lots of people know about this thing though and Im less alone I guess but idk #still weird?? #to be laying in bed like oh fuCK someone could touch my bare chest and it wouldn't make me wanna mckill myself lmao #oH FUCK. I JUST TOUCHED KT WHAT RHE FUFK WHAT THE FUCK #FUCK I SHOULDVE DONE THIS EARLIER EVERYONE I KNOW IS ASLEEP FUCK FUCK #ugh hate being alone :/ but not enough to give my time to this one dude who wont fucking stop texting me LMAO #hes a fucking creep tho smh like pls stop calling me cute first off I know second youre probably at least twice my age and no offense but #no #nope #just all the bad vibes and I know I have anxiety but esp the continued texting after Ive.... straight up ghosted for AWHILE now #yeah nope #ANYWAY BACK TO HOW HOT AND SEXY I AM AHHHH #someone come spoon me

[chapst1ckmcdyke]

Ex is officially moved out and it went well but i could still puke

#i let their bf come over to help #which wasnt a mistake but it really sucked to look at this crusty motherfucker and know thats what was deemed more valuable than me #like this guy who is an ex minister ex cop now social worker with a beard that could host rats- #thats who you lost interest in me for? #i feel so betrayed #i know we were polyam and maybe i say this just bc im not rlly polyam #but it still felt like cheating #coming home with hickies but avoid hello pecks by turning their face #coming home less and less and taking their things one bit at a time like i wouldnt notice #refusing to sleep in the same bed as me if they were over and bringing him around when i wasnt home even tho he INTIMIDATED ME #in my own home!!! so he wasnt allowe back!!!! but i they still got brought over and every time #hickies were just everywhere #it felt like they were having an affair i just… knew about it? #idk #im just really heartbroken and feel rlly worthless #but thats how theyve made me feel for a rlly long time which is why I finally ended it #im just still so sad

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#me: itll b done monday. itll b done Monday. no more of this experiment after Monday. #my boss Saturday morning: we made some changes to the end of the experiment. u dont have to take measurements sunday and Monday. youll do #it Tuesday and Wednesday. #me: ...i cant even. if i have to fucking do that. why would u do this to me? why the fuck cant i just fucking do it sunday/Monday? #im not fucking doing that. im not. fuck off. why would u do this??? is it bc my birthday is Monday so u think ill b sad abt being in the #lab? bc im im fucking not in the lab and this fucking experiment is still going ill spend the day crying and unable to do fucking anything #bc i just kno ill have to come back on fucking Tuesday and do this again #is it bc u think the post processing will take too long so u wanna split between days? bc i will fucking sit there all fucking night #on Monday if it means i can fucking get this over with. ugh. great start to this fucking day. fantastic #ive already emailed back like: um hey some of these changes make sense bc um what the fuck??? it doesnt make sense to offset my #measurements? so what thr fuck???? but like more polite and hopefully less frantic sounding. god. i hope she doesn't have a valid reason #for this. i dont wanna fucking do that and i will fight back #email. me. back. my fucking stomach hurts abt this >:-[ also i didnt get a lot of sleep and came in at like 6.30am #bc i forgot to measure prewatering weights over the 2 weeks. oops. so im maybe not that steady #but i fucking hate this idea. and im not saying i refuse to do it. but i fucking refuse to do it #well see if i hold out. agh. birthday present to me. i get to be selfish and end this project early. and by selfish i mean i get to protect #my brain a tiny little bit. a teeny tiny bit. except my apartment is now so fucking cold ill probably end up in the lab anyway #bc everytimr thry turn on the air in my building its like so so so cold snd i dont have temp control and i wont complain #unrelated #i need my answer before 5.30 or my head will explode