#I am used to driving myself places now. I literally drive every single day at home. With friends everybody drives at some point

[girlscience]

Two days with family and I feel so weirdly infantilized. I pay for nothing, I never drive, I make no decisions, I can't curse, and I can't listen to 90% of my music. It is literally like I am 14 again. I don't like it.

#I don't always feel like a grown adult at home but right now???? absolutely not #I don't like it. I am used to paying for dinner or gas or accommodations when I do things anymore #everything I do with friends we split prices on things #but except for a mug and some ice cream today I haven't paid for a single thing this trip and my parents won't let me #I am used to driving myself places now. I literally drive every single day at home. With friends everybody drives at some point #with my parents??? nope. I'm in the back 99% of the time #I make decisions about when/where/what I do every day. but with my parents? nope. they might ask for suggestions #but I can't say 'I am doing such and such thing at such and such time' #at home I talk however I want and say whatever I want and talk about anything I want to #here I have to edit every single sentance that comes out of my mouth. I cannot talk about any of my interests #I can't talk about my friends the right way or their real lives the majority of the time #and music.... well. if my mom even saw my spotify liked playlist she'd have a heart attack so. #I actually hate it. I don't feel like myself. #on top of that mom won't stop using baby voice and everyone gets irritated at the drop of a hat over nothing #and then two minutes later they are over it.... #it's only been two days. Two Days. and I want to escape

[cocklessboy]

The problem with my ADHD medication is that it wears off every evening.

I had some success with Ritalin, but I had some really unpleasant side effects with it. Constant desperate thirst, no appetite, grogginess, occasional racing pulse, and, oddly, disruptively increased sex drive (to which my psychiatrist said, and I quote, “well that’s weird. that shouldn’t happen.” exactly what you want to hear your doctor say). I was panicking, because Ritalin was my last hope. There are no other ADHD meds in this country (we don’t even have Adderall here), just atomoxetine (which gave me psychotic side effects) and Ritalin.

Well, methylphenidate. That’s the chemical name. Ritalin, but also... Concerta. The same drug, but in a slow-release capsule. When you take Ritalin, it enters your blood stream quickly, then gradually fades and leaves your system within about 4 hours. Concerta is taken in the morning and very slowly releases the drug over the course of 8-12 hours. In my case, about 10 hours, pretty consistently.

On the Concerta, my side effects vanished. I have. ZERO SIDE EFFECTS. Just the benefits. It has been life-changing. I get done in a single day what used to take me a month. Easily. With minimal effort. And with no side effects.

That constant desperate itchy NEED for stimulation is... gone. I can just... do stuff. Focus on stuff. Remember stuff.

I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37 years old. 37 years of coping mechanisms and just scraping by. 37 years of hating myself and assuming I was the lazy, useless loser everyone said I was. 37 years of finding clever ways to trick my brain into letting me do basic life tasks.

And now I have my medication. A medication that works, perfectly, and with no side effects at all.

Until it wears off.

I take my pills around 10 am, and by about 8 pm, the meds have worn off. But I’m a night owl. I’m up till 1 am at the earliest. And from 8 pm till bed time I am unmedicated.

And it’s strange. It doesn’t feel like how I used to feel. By 8 pm I’ve accomplished loads. I’ve done work for my job, cleaned my home, cooked and eaten several meals, sent a load of emails, exercised, worked on projects, done some errands... And now I’m tired. Really, genuinely tired. But the gremlins have wrested back control of my brain from the medication and they are ANGRY. They have been denied their day of constant stimulation seeking. They have been denied their frequent little dopamine hits from scrolling tumblr or playing some stupid no-effort video game. They want stimulation NOW.

But there’s none left to have. There are no tasks to be distracted by, or distracted from. No emails to agonize over replying to. No work tasks that I know I should really get done but haven’t managed to do yet. No new posts to read on tumblr. And yeah, I could probably find a no-effort video game to play but... I’m tired. I’ve been doing stuff all day. I don’t want to.

But I’m not sleepy. I have that delayed sleep cycle and I absolutely cannot sleep so early no matter how tired I am.

And so I find myself in a weird haze at the end of each day when my meds wear off. The itchy feeling of needing stimulation is back, but the usual cycle of distraction and dopamine hits has been more or less dismantled. I don’t have anything ready to keep my brain satisfied anymore. I don’t have the mental energy left to focus on anything that requires even the tiniest bit of brain power. I can’t focus both because the gremlins have taken the wheel and because I’ve been focusing really well all day and my brain just doesn’t have any fuel left.

It’s a strange sort of state to be in each evening, feeling that vague need to do something but not being able to come up with anything to do.

I’m profoundly lucky that I not only have found a medication that works for me, but live in a place where it is very affordable. I wouldn’t trade my new life for anything. In the few months since I started this medication I’ve literally turned my life around. I went from barely surviving to finally being able to do all the things I’ve always needed and wanted to do with time left over to relax. There are so, so many people who could be helped just as easily, but don’t have access to the proper medication, or maybe don’t even know they need it.

But there is still this weird state I enter each evening. The gremlins are waking up just as I’m trying to head towards bed. I’ve completed my tasks for the day and I can relax and watch a movie or read a book or play a game but... I’m tired. And the gremlins are bored. It sort of... itches. But differently to how it itched before.

And I guess I need to learn new coping mechanisms for this new situation, to replace the old ones which I no longer need.

#actually adhd #adhd #ritalin #concerta #mental health #executive dysfunction #brain gremlins #neurodivergence #medication

[dspdick]

hello everyone. i hope you have some snacks on you because i have yet another thing to rant about. fortunately it isn’t about the bunch of idiots i have the misfortune of calling classmates, instead it’s the cursed place where i chose to continue my education. let’s yell about university.

for starters, i would like to point out that this is an expensive university. like. 900€/month expensive. i get to pay almost half of it because i have a discount due to my high school grades, but you have to keep it up during your stay in college and once it’s taken away you can’t ask for it again.

given the exorbitant price every single of its students is paying, you would think that my class would be in a decent building. wrong. we’re in a prefabricated shitty three-story building in the other side of campus from our labs. because medicine students have their own simulation clinics and the business students get a bajillion brick buildings but fuck the genetics kids amiright?

speaking of labs. the installations are cool and all but the materials need a serious upgrade. I CANT DO A PROPER GEL ELECTROPHORESIS IF THE MICROPIPETTE DOES THE EQUIVALENT OF A DRIVING NEWBIE WITH A MANUAL CAR. also the ph-meters are the bane of my existence and me the bane of theirs.

also. the lab practices are four hours long. which wouldn’t be too bad if they didn’t make us start them at three or four pm when we’ve been in classes from eight or ten am. yes i spend close to twelve hours on campus on lab weeks yes they also pretend that we have time to study.

BY THE WAY. OH MY GOD. studying. i know it’s necessary. but i have EIGHT SUBJECTS THIS SEMESTER. EIGHT. students in other universities have less subjects per year. one of them is a lab subject and we have a fuckin. oral and practical exam. ITS A LAB SUBJECT?? WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THE PROCEDURES AND WHY EVERYTHING IS DONE PLUS DO A NiCE LaB nOTeBoOk. SUCK MY DICK.

that and the fact that i not only have science subjects but also philosophy, communication and fucking BUSINESS. yes they’re useful but i frankly haven’t seen a subject with a worse organization than my philosophy class. and on top of that my business teacher just keeps sending projects and questions. maam your class is worth three credits. be grateful i do an effort to get out of bed and spend two and a half bitchass hours to listen to you yap about ip and business life cycles at eight thirty in the morning on a friday.

and now that i mention this, i still can’t believe we’ll have to do 50 mandatory hours of volunteer work next year. yay for volunteer work, i’ve done before and it’s amazing. but you can’t expect someone who spends 10+ hours in college regularly to do the same amount of time as people who only have 3 to 4 hours of class per day.

the worst part of all is the fact that our degree supervisor just expects us to act like phd students or some shit. she literally told to the class presidents that “we can’t expect to have compromises and extracurriculars outside of university. we have to focus on our college life”. this is our first year. i don’t even want to think about how we’ll be treated from now on.

and i guess this is why im so scared. i like genetics. love it, even, when applied to things i enjoy and not a clinical environment. but i want to live my life and be able to truly rest and enjoy and not want to kill myself constantly over the amount of workload that we have to deal with.

i don’t know if i’m going to drop out or keep going but all my options are bleak. either i continue and somehow survive college enough time to get my degree without having killed myself, or i drop out. and from there i have more options. a) immediately switching to a different college and/or undergrad, b) taking an off year and changing my undergrad.

i don’t even know what i’m going to do. i’m exhausted on all the levels a human can be tired and i have no idea if i have it in me to keep going or just take the easy out.

[nsomniacsdream]

I want to talk about my depression but I never seem to get it across right. I'm not self hating. I'm environmentally depressed, which means it's the circumstances of my life that fuel my depression. OK.

Now when I talk to people about this, they almost always make it about economic circumstances, which is part of it I'm not gonna lie. People tell me I'll get better once I start making more money, just switch jobs, blah blah blah. And I get to tell them that I'm solidly middle class. According to the last census, I'm in the top ten percent of earners in my county. Do I have problems money would solve? Sure. But I'm not skating bills or anything at the moment.

And then, they ask what I'm so depressed about then? *Gestures broadly* Look around you man! The roads are falling apart. The school is completely underfunded. This entire town is dying by inches and slowly getting bought up and turned into apartments the people who have been here for generations can't afford. Every year, fewer high school graduates stay because THERE IS NOTHING FOR THEM HERE. Our local government doesn't even try to hide that they're corrupt when they're not incompetent (the newspaper headline story last week was about our county human services department begging the county to use the federal money they were getting for the actual purpose they were legally required to use it for). Half our state has voted to explore seceding and becoming part of Idaho. This is OREGON, and I constantly see rebel flags and there is more than one vehicle in town COVERED in Trump signs and flags. Like there is a truck that completely blacked out their back window with Trump stickers (which is illegal, there's no wiggle room there when you literally can't see out your back window), and they have been driving around every day for 6 years now.

Great, I can afford to distract myself, but our country has gotten worse every year since I've been alive. There weren't credit checks when I was born. I was born the same time top tax rates got cut to nothing. People talk about civil rights got better in that time but what about now? We are having the gay marriage debate AGAIN. Abortion is no longer federally protected. The federal government, all of it, is less competent than the worst satire.

And here I'm always told "well why even pay attention to any of that, it doesn't affect you", and how? How does whether or not my neighbor is allowed to make a private Healthcare decision not my problem? How is whether or not my brother is allowed to just exist without getting hate crimed not my problem? How do you live your life as if nothing happens beyond the horizon when it all trickles down to you eventually? Why do I see you hyperventilating on Facebook over imaginary gun laws every week if none of this should bother you?

This is *depressing*, because I was raised being told every day that America is such a great country and fucking WHERE?! is America so great? Genuinely tell me what I'm supposed to be proud of? I've spent my life from one side of this country to the other (literally), and every single place is just the ruins of what is left from the middle of the 1900s. The town I live in now, everyone still talks about the Mill, half the directions you get involve "going towards the Mill" and the mill closed 40 years ago. It was torn down 30 years ago and turned into a storage facility. This and so many other towns DIED before the turn of the century and they're just languishing on the tiny amount of life support the states provide. I am pretty sure that before 2040, this town will not have a single family still living here that was here pre-2000.

I'm ranting again. I hate talking about it because once I start listing stuff, people want to argue. But you're not going to convince me that an entire town being owned by 3 people is a good thing. You can't convince me that the future of work is company towns and that's not a dystopia. You can't look me in the eye and tell me that every single thing I use in my life becoming a subscription service isn't something we should stop. Look at your kid and tell me that selling all of our water to private companies to sell back to us at 6000% markup is something you're so looking forward to them experiencing. We. Live. In. An. Unacknowledged. Nightmare.

Of course I'm depressed.

[wastedawayagaininmargaritaville]

Forfeiting My Mystique by Kaveh Akbar

It is pretty to be sweet

and full of pardon like

a flower perfuming the

hands that shred it, but

all piety leads to a single

point: the same paradise

where dead lab rats go.

If you live small you’ll

be resurrected with the

small, a whole planet

of minor gods simpering

in the weeds. I don’t know

anyone who would kill

anyone for me. As boys

my brother and I

would play love, me

drawing stars on

the soles of his feet,

him tickling my back.

Then we’d play harm,

him cataloging my sins

to the air, me throwing

him into furniture.

The algorithms for living

have always been

delicious and hollow,

like a beetle husk in a

spider’s paw. Hafez said

fear is the cheapest room

in a house, that we ought

to live in better

conditions. I would

happily trade all my

knowing for plusher

carpet, higher ceilings.

Some nights I force

my brain to dream me

Persian by listening

to old home movies

as I fall asleep. In the

mornings I open my eyes

and spoil the séance. Am I

forfeiting my mystique?

All bodies become sicker

bodies. This is a kind of object

permanence, a curse bent

around our scalps resembling

grace only at the tattered

edges. It’s so unsettling

to feel anything but good.

I wish I was only as cruel as

the first time I noticed

I was cruel, waving my tiny

shadow over a pond to scare

the copper minnows.

Rockabye, now I lay me

down, et cetera. The world

is what accumulates — 

the mouth full of meat,

the earth full of meat.

My grandfather

taught his parrot

the ninety-nine holy

names of God. Al-Muzil:

The Humiliator. Al-Waarith:

The Heir. Once, after

my grandfather had been

dead for a year, I woke

from a dream (I was a

sultan guzzling flies

from a crystal boot) with

his walking cane deep

in my mouth. I kept sucking

until I fell back asleep.

There are only two bones

in the throat, and that’s if you

count the clavicle. This

seems unsafe, overdelicate,

like I ought to ask for

a third. As if anyone

living would offer.

Corporeal friends are

spiritual enemies, said

Blake, probably gardening

in the nude. Today I’m trying

to scowl more, mismatch

my lingerie. Nobody

seems bothered enough.

Some saints spent their

whole childhoods biting

their teachers’ hands and

sprinkling salt into spider-

webs, only to be redeemed

by a fluke shock

of grace just before

death. May I feather

into such a swan soon.

The Book of Things

Not to Touch gets longer

every day: on one

page, the handsome puppy

bred only for service. On

the next, my mother’s

face. It’s not even enough

to keep my hands to myself — 

there’s a whole chapter

about the parts of me

that could get me

into trouble. In Farsi,

we say jaya shomah khallee

when a beloved is absent

from our table — literally:

your place is empty.

I don’t know why I waste

my time with the imprecision

of saying anything else,

like using a hacksaw

to slice a strawberry when

I have a razor in my

pocket. To the extent I am

necessary at all, I am

necessary like a roadside deer — 

a thing to drive past, to catch

the white of, something

to make a person pause,

say, look, a deer.

#Forfeiting My Mystique #Kaveh Akbar

[greengrungeemo]

Random Blog Survey!

I grabbed a random set of questions online just for fun. Feel free to take and answer for yourself too! :)

------------------------------------------------------------

When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup? Today! If full face means primer, foundation, eyeliner, and eyeshadow! Do you own an iPad? No. Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? Weird question, 3 of my friends just today! What’s the most hours you’ve worked in a week? 50 Do you believe in karma? Yes. Definitely does feel like there's a karmic justice with cause and effect. Actions have consequences. What temperature is your thermostat currently set to? 68 What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? EVERYTHING. I used to be soooo, sooooo way too overbearing on every topic! Now I learned to just live and let live, let people enjoy things! If people are happy, I'm happy. :3 Are you a kind, thoughtful person? I do my very best every day, but I have no right to answer whether I am or not. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? Yes. Who were you dating in July 2010? Or were you single? I was single yeah, I was literally just 13 back then! Those were good times actually. x3 How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? I prefer not to be. I want to make others happy instead! Would you rather be a nurse or a mechanical engineer? A nurse actually. Do you like Starbucks chai lattes, or do you think they’re too sweet? I do! I'm more of a mocha person myself tho. Are you and your SO facebook official? FB? I haven't posted in that in YEARSSSS. Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? I do! Funny enough, in elementary school, there was a funny VHS we sat through for an entire class, teaching us how to set a table for such an occasion. Are you in a good mood today? I am! It's been up and down, but I'm in a happy mood rn! Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes. Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? Being told I'm not sensible. Do you have a difficult time relating to other’s emotions? Never. I'm overly sensitive to other's emotions around me. I feel so much of people's energy and it affects me greatly. :T How many bedrooms does your house have? 4 What was the last electronic item you bought? I believe it was an iPhone XR for streaming! Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? YES. Way too many times. When you were 15, what did you want to grow up to be? A police officer! I wanted to do good for others and keep everyone safe. Did you ever achieve that? Nope, I couldn't get into the college course and instead opted for psychiatry! Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Most of the time, though 95% of my nightmares now are about abandonment.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? Yessss, Doritos Sweet Chilli Heat! NOM.

Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? YES. How often do you buy a new phone? I still have my Samsung Galaxy S20 and that was pretty much my first phone aside from flip phones soooo... pretty much never. xD Would you rather live in an apartment in the city, or a cabin in the woods? Apartment in the city would be fun! I'd love to explore and visit all kinds of places. :3 Do you use Snapchat? Just for its filters, I don't talk to anyone on it tho. Have you ever driven or ridden on a motorcycle? Yess, my parents' friend let me drive his motorcycle once down the street, it was really fun and cool! Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. Smoking addiction sadly. I won't ever smoke/do drugs. x . x Are any other members of your household home right now? Yes. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? Working at a boat store, and it gave me waaaay too much anxiety, retail? Never. Again. What was your favorite school subject when you were in middle school? Psychology!

When’s your next vacation and where are you going? To the U.S. in Summer and I'll be going to a Paramore concert with someone AWESOME. HYPE! :D

What’s something that you wish you could do one more time? Spend more time with my cousin Matthew, he passed away from cancer at 24 when I was around 14, so I never got to really be with him. He was really into PCs back in the 2000s and built a custom Windows VISTA PC, yeeeeeeeeeah! xD I miss him a whole lot.

If you weren’t in your current job, what would you want to be doing? I would absolutely be doing a career in psychiatry right now! I'd love to help others when it comes to mental health, because the industry really needs to do better. Either that, or I'd love to be a community manager of some kind for a game or something!

What’s the biggest project on your to-do list right now? Right now, I'm focusing massively on charity work (raised over $5,700 so far! Woowoo!). I educated myself in animal rescues and sponsoring animals in animal sanctuaries, and I really want to apply myself into that. Raising funds for all kinds of great causes! Aside from charity stuff, I've been taking great strides in getting the help I need and figuring myself out. Better diet, exercise, looking into cool stuff like piercings, epic fashion, it really has been doing wonders in becoming who I want to be! :)

What’s one hobby that you’d like to take up? Art, and actually developing my own unique art style! That would be so cool, but right now I'm focusing on instrument playing and creative writing. Electric guitar, piano, and poetry. <3

If you had to pick only one, what's the best Youtube video? Easy, Solence - Animal in Me. Best song, best music vid. If music vids don't count, probably a Stimpee video? Like Rust Has a New DLC where he messes around with tape recorders in Rust. xD Ooooh or a murder mystery vid or criminal documentary!

Creepypastas or AMVs? That's a tough one RAAAAAAA it's gotta be creepypastas, it has to. Those are just too classic. Even though AMVs also are like a fine wine. xD

Did you drink an energy drink in the past 48 hours? Yep, classic green Monster, THOOOO I recently fell in love with the green Ultra Paradise Monster too!

Vine or Tiktok? Vine

#random #blog #survey #thing?

[aforestwitchpancakes]

Series of Core Memories

The Sounds of Fresh Youth

I cannot recall all the moments that led me to the person I am now.

But my mind is so restless that even the smallest thing or sound that are associated with my core memories can trigger a recollection that has impacted me so much in my youth, I still carry their scent and texture in my heart.

When I accidentally play my songs on shuffle, sometimes, it lands to the songs of Halsey, from her album 'Badlands'. Drive, Strange Love, Roman Holiday, Colors--- they were introduced to me by my first boyfriend during our Senior high. One day, he gave me a present of a hard drive, which contains mixes of albums by Birdy, Halsey, the complete official soundtrack of the film 'The Fault in our Stars', and movies and other songs which he thought I would like.

He was sweet and thoughtful at the time but what I am grateful about is that he introduced me to these artists because he thought I would like them and it turned out that I, do like them, very much.

They became a part of my youth--- the times that I tried very hard to impress my first boyfriend. He used to tease and mock me because my family rarely went out during the summer break while he and his family were always out, hopping from one resort to another.

Feeling bad about myself, I would invite my parents and cousins to go out so that I can later tell my boyfriend the stories of my adventures. It was depressing but it was astonishing how I would listen to Halsey alone at night in my bed and I would feel refreshingly amazing, until I felt like not giving a single fuck on any of his mockery anymore. And my series of joys came smoothly after that. Strolling out on fields, meadows, and rivers with my cousins were the adventures that I got and I cannot possibly trade them for any resort hopping.

The Food of Safety Feelings

When I am alone in our tiny apartment here in Quezon City, I tend to miss home. And by missing home, I would get knots of anxiety and sadness in the pit of my stomach and I would be helpless because nothing can save me from the decision of moving to the big city, which I made all by myself.

Moving here, I originally lived with my aunt, uncle, and cousins until the owner of the house notified us that my cousins and I needed to move and rent an apartment next door, which made me feel more a little out of place.

It seldomly rains here in the big city but one time, I was awakened by the sound of heavily pouring rain. I went outside to stare at the lone tree that is propped beside our neighbor's house, but we can see it because we are renting on the second floor of the building. Its leaves were dancing in the rain and the anger of the downpour tickled my memories back when I was a child--- an elementary schooler who loved taking days off at school due to bad weather.

Our home's area was located near the mountains and the weather there brought us abundant encounters of rainfall. In fact, when the month of June approaches, we would receive downpours of rain literally every early evening. It made me develop my love and affection to rain.

But one time, it was raining all morning that it made elementary schools to cancel the school day to protect the children. The roads were easily flooded by rain due to the lack of large canals that can catch the water. My father was home from abroad that time and my mother is an elementary teacher, so when classes were suspended, she was also given a sweet moment to rest.

I remember how my brother and I changed giddily back to our pajamas and ran to the living room to position ourselves in front of the TV. The water was knee-high outside (I was a child), and the wind was blowing hard, which made the day a perfect moment for hot food.

It was easy to make but it was simply delicious. My mother took out three packets of Lucky Me instant noodles, chicken flavored, out of her pantry and started cooking some heartwarming soup. When she was done cooking, she served my brother and I each a bowl of the steaming instant noodles, with eggs, in the living room while we were watching cartoons.

The strong savory aroma filled the room as we ate to our little hearts' content. Moments later, my father joined us in the living room after he finished checking the condition of our house outside. He and my mother also ate and watched with us while the rain was pouring.

This small memory contributed so much to how I view my family as cozy, safe, and somehow happy as I was growing up. Looking back, we rarely use our living room now as a complete family. My brother and I parted home in search for opportunities and I always try my best to spend time at home from time to time, but those moments are all part of our childhood now and all I can do is to be grateful that such things happened.

[aristotlemcdonald]

Forfeiting My Mystique

It is pretty to be sweet and full of pardon like a flower perfuming the hands that shred it, but all piety leads to a single point: the same paradise where dead lab rats go. If you live small you’ll be resurrected with the small, a whole planet of minor gods simpering in the weeds. I don’t know anyone who would kill anyone for me. As boys my brother and I would play love, me drawing stars on the soles of his feet, him tickling my back. Then we’d play harm, him cataloging my sins to the air, me throwing him into furniture. The algorithms for living have always been delicious and hollow, like a beetle husk in a spider’s paw. Hafez said fear is the cheapest room in a house, that we ought to live in better conditions. I would happily trade all my knowing for plusher carpet, higher ceilings. Some nights I force my brain to dream me Persian by listening to old home movies as I fall asleep. In the mornings I open my eyes and spoil the séance. Am I forfeiting my mystique? All bodies become sicker bodies. This is a kind of object permanence, a curse bent around our scalps resembling grace only at the tattered edges. It’s so unsettling to feel anything but good. I wish I was only as cruel as the first time I noticed I was cruel, waving my tiny shadow over a pond to scare the copper minnows. Rockabye, now I lay me down, et cetera. The world is what accumulates —  the mouth full of meat, the earth full of meat. My grandfather taught his parrot the ninety-nine holy names of God. Al-Muzil: The Humiliator. Al-Waarith: The Heir. Once, after my grandfather had been dead for a year, I woke from a dream (I was a sultan guzzling flies from a crystal boot) with his walking cane deep in my mouth. I kept sucking until I fell back asleep. There are only two bones in the throat, and that’s if you count the clavicle. This seems unsafe, overdelicate, like I ought to ask for a third. As if anyone living would offer. Corporeal friends are spiritual enemies, said Blake, probably gardening in the nude. Today I’m trying to scowl more, mismatch my lingerie. Nobody seems bothered enough. Some saints spent their whole childhoods biting their teachers’ hands and sprinkling salt into spider- webs, only to be redeemed by a fluke shock of grace just before death. May I feather into such a swan soon. The Book of Things Not to Touch gets longer every day: on one page, the handsome puppy bred only for service. On the next, my mother’s face. It’s not even enough to keep my hands to myself —  there’s a whole chapter about the parts of me that could get me into trouble. In Farsi, we say jaya shomah khallee when a beloved is absent from our table — literally: your place is empty. I don’t know why I waste my time with the imprecision of saying anything else, like using a hacksaw to slice a strawberry when I have a razor in my pocket. To the extent I am necessary at all, I am necessary like a roadside deer —   a thing to drive past, to catch the white of, something to make a person pause, say, look, a deer.

#Kaveh Akbar

[lyra-swan]

Hiiiii I know you're offline as I'm writing this but nevertheless I still felt like jumping into your inbox and word-vomiting for a second because I've been following Mechanical Angel for quite some time now and picked it up again recently and I just made it to part IV, god I'm having a blast. I can't wait to put all my full, extensive thoughts out there once I'm done but for now I need to stress that I'm just super impressed with both your writing style and the tone/ character development as a whole but the world-building in particular got to me gooood.

Am I right to assume that a lot of research went into this???? Because you can genuinely tell, to the point I literally felt transported to the places as you described them every time and the details are just so captivating to witness. It really feels like I'm reading a ww2 novel, I feel transported back into German literature class on occasion and it's just. Impressive???

Anyway thank you SO MUCH for putting this out there, I'm so happy Mechanical Angel (and all of your works) exist!! I've already noticed that there's another story focused on Natsume/Sora set in the same universe and I can't wait to finally jump into that one too once I'm done with MA. (Especially since Natsume is in my top 4# favorite characters but that's only a bonus)

Last but not least I am very mentally ill over Eimika now, congrats, I'm rotating them in my brain a very normal and totally not concerning amount, haha

May you have a wonderful day!!

Oh hi thank you so much!! I both loved and struggled with Part IV so much, but it was extremely fun to write, especially that dumb part in ch.38... I dunno if you've reached ch.45 but that was also very fun. I hope you continue to enjoy the rest!

I'm going to ramble like an old grandma again, adding a read more thingy so the post won't be a bother to scroll past for others.

In my opinion I don't think I've done enough research! But I'll always feel like that no matter how much I do so bleugh, nevermind. The scenery is typically based on my own surroundings but changed slightly to match an European feel... I think I wrote more in the last ask answer but it has a tiny bit of spoilers, I believe. The setting is a bit of amalgamation of my own country and europe because my own surroundings is what I'm familiar with, and of course although it's supposed to be inspiried by Germany everyone drives on the left side (I think I mentioned it in a chapter note) because I didn't want to accidentally trip over myself from a simple description of where a character turns their head. It's the Little Details that are important!

I say, as if I also didn't mess up a few details here and there because I started posting before finishing the first draft and so I couldn't edit the way I used to do for my previous longfics... But yes, it was very fun adding random bits from what I learned into the story because I used to love watching WW2 docs and laughing every time the nazis messed up and suffered a crippling defeat.

Like, I'd read about how they lied to their citizens that they were doing just dandy, and then have Wataru ask Eichi if he wanted more 'false reports of our so-called victories on the battlefield' to be published in the newspapers. Because that's the funniest shit ever to me...

Then one day I'd read about the nazis being among the first to connect smoking to bad health, and I'd add something like that in a conversation between Eichi and Tatsumi, they're not nazis obviously but because of the setting's inspirations that's where I got a lot of information (but you'll have a scene later on that's more Britain than Germany, so the fic truly is a amalgamation of different european settings during WW2). And of course, people are sceptical of new medical findings, that was mentioned. And the part where Eichi mentions 'common people are suspicious of IV drips' to Mika, that was a thing in the real world too.

I wonder if there is a single medical invention that wasn't regarded with suspicion by at least one person at first.

I kind of wish I had Eichi offering gold watches to anyone who quit smoking, it would've been funny, but eh.

And of course there are some things that don't make sense because this IS an alternate world so I DO have freedom. Like, even though this takes place generally in 1930s-1940s time, tranquiliser guns weren't invented until the 1950s (by a NEW ZEALANDER!!! Colin Murdoch. He's also the genius behind the modern day syringe, if I recall correctly), but you know, I added it in anyway because alternate world, alternate invention timeframes. I wrote that fog scene where Mika is shot by Midori while also sitting outside one dark foggy morning, and I liked the scene so much I kept it in.

Anyway I'm so happy you like the world-building! It was super fun to work on! I really like rural settings for world war stories... one of my favourite authors, Michael Morpurgo has that kind of vibe going on too, my bookshelf has a few of his books. So many dog and animal stories with themes of war lingering in the background if they don't directly deal with war and I love every one of them. They're all so full of emotion, they'd always make me cry. I love the stories that can make me cry and look back and think it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and Morpurgo's works can do that A LOT. But also I'm very emotional...

And thank YOU for this! I'm always so happy hearing someone enjoyed what I wrote!

I still need to finish that natsusora fic. It was supposed to be a part of the main story itself but because it would've taken so many chapters, I was worried about 'forcing' readers through a side story that had no bearing on eimika. So I posted it as a separate fic! It takes place during that last chapter of Part IV so you can actually have a look whenever you've started Part V.

Natsume is very out of character, however. He's in his 30s and not really the cute feminine witchy boy that he truly is in canon (at least, that's how I see him), he's an engineer and really logical... but he hates Eichi with a passion, that's VERY necessary. Nevertheless, I try to write him as close to his canon self within the au that I've shoved him in and told him to survive in. Totally fine if you end up not liking it!

Excuse the rambling!! Thank you! You have good day!!

#anon ask

[loosejournal]

Forfeiting My Mystique by Kaveh Akbar

It is pretty to be sweet and full of pardon like a flower perfuming the hands that shred it, but all piety leads to a single point: the same paradise where dead lab rats go.

If you live small you’ll be resurrected with the small, a whole planet of minor gods simpering in the weeds. I don’t know anyone who would kill anyone for me. As boys

my brother and I would play love, me drawing stars on the soles of his feet, him tickling my back. Then we’d play harm, him cataloging my sins

to the air, me throwing him into furniture. The algorithms for living have always been delicious and hollow, like a beetle husk in a spider’s paw. Hafez said

fear is the cheapest room in a house, that we ought to live in better conditions. I would happily trade all my knowing for plusher carpet, higher ceilings.

Some nights I force my brain to dream me Persian by listening to old home movies as I fall asleep. In the mornings I open my eyes and spoil the séance. Am I

forfeiting my mystique? All bodies become sicker bodies. This is a kind of object permanence, a curse bent around our scalps resembling grace only at the tattered edges. It’s so unsettling

to feel anything but good. I wish I was only as cruel as the first time I noticed I was cruel, waving my tiny shadow over a pond to scare the copper minnows. Rockabye, now I lay me

down, et cetera. The world is what accumulates —  the mouth full of meat, the earth full of meat. My grandfather taught his parrot the ninety-nine holy

names of God. Al-Muzil: The Humiliator. Al-Waarith: The Heir. Once, after my grandfather had been dead for a year, I woke from a dream (I was a sultan guzzling flies

from a crystal boot) with his walking cane deep in my mouth. I kept sucking until I fell back asleep. There are only two bones in the throat, and that’s if you count the clavicle. This

seems unsafe, overdelicate, like I ought to ask for a third. As if anyone living would offer. Corporeal friends are spiritual enemies, said Blake, probably gardening

in the nude. Today I’m trying to scowl more, mismatch my lingerie. Nobody seems bothered enough. Some saints spent their whole childhoods biting their teachers’ hands and

sprinkling salt into spider- webs, only to be redeemed by a fluke shock of grace just before death. May I feather into such a swan soon. The Book of Things

Not to Touch gets longer every day: on one page, the handsome puppy bred only for service. On the next, my mother’s face. It’s not even enough to keep my hands to myself — 

there’s a whole chapter about the parts of me that could get me into trouble. In Farsi, we say jaya shomah khallee when a beloved is absent from our table — literally:

your place is empty. I don’t know why I waste my time with the imprecision of saying anything else, like using a hacksaw to slice a strawberry when I have a razor in my

pocket. To the extent I am necessary at all, I am necessary like a roadside deer —  a thing to drive past, to catch the white of, something to make a person pause, say, look, a deer.

#poetry #poem #kaveh akbar

[beaversatemygrandma]

WHERE THE FUCK DID FEBRUARY GO? WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLE MONTH HERE? Shit's coming up fast, oh god.

So, i have an appointment for my driver's test in March, and essentially through this entire month i was like "finish the log. finish it. write things in. do it." I got to 37 hours of 60. Oi. And then the fact that i literally CANNOT drive at night in this area. Between the light pollution of the city, those HUGE LED billboards that light up half the highway, and those new cars with retina burning headlights, I've literally struggled to keep my eyes adjusted to the night and nearly missed a fucking stoplight. I need 10 night hours. I have done 1 and realized it was pointless. I think i can back home though. Smaller town. Less light pollution. I mean, i know I've actually driven the right amount by now, but i haven't been writing that shit down. Even my dad was like "you're ready, just fuck the log" and i was like "okay, cool" I need to grab another page (WHY DOES IT HAVE SO FEW SPACES FOR 60 HOURS???) and draw out the things and fill it in and then get my grandma and my dad's IDs and fill in ALL THE ID NUMBERS, get them to sign EVERY Single ONE. Hnngg. Then reminding my dad to take that day off to take me there. Like i've told him, but this is the man i definitely got my adhd from. Likely forgot by now. It's been like 3 months since i made the appointment (earliest one too. tf.)

And then the whole anxiety of all the plans I've made. Like, after getting my license i was going to prepare myself to move back to FL to be with my mom and around all my friends and such.

Like. I'm basically long distance dating this guy by now. We literally have plans set, just without date. Because I could either be there in April or i could be there mid summer or later, which is infuriating. Ntm the fact that my money is VERY Quickly dwindling. Like, it'll cost a couple hundred just in gas to get there. I'm already down to less than my car insurance payment that will go through in June. I was hoping I could get down there, get that job, etc etc, THEN pay it off. Because here, I'd be working in a place for like a month and then ditching. That's not ideal. So, I'm hoping my dad will help me pay for things in that aspect because holy fuck. I also really need to change my bank because after it got bought out, the new company was like "K. If you have less than $500 average in your checking you pay $8 a month for use." Like WHAT THE FUCK?? And THEN that fucking FYE VIP Charge that I DID NOT sign up for taking another $12 a month. I literally went through their customer service, they couldn't find my info, yet I'm Being Charged for something i DIDNT SIGN UP FOR. And well, a bank/card change would get rid of BOTH shitty little predatory charges here.

I've literally been going between those online banking services checking to see what's the best, because this bank charges me, cut my interest on my savings down like 95%, and is just inconvenient all together. Like, my dad has one, if i sign up with his code we both get $50, THEN the long distance guy has another where you get $100 if you get the banking thing AND a credit card with them for both parties. And I'm just here like "Oh god. Choices."

And then this guy. So, yeah, it has escalated a bit. He's the sweetest damn thing but every night it just somehow turns into, "I can't wait for us to finally be together" and me just thinking like "fuck if this doesn't work out right...." Like it has turned from me saying "why tf am i feeling things for that weird guy from high school? Bet I'm just lonely" to being like "Yep. I've definitely fallen for him." He's sweet, he's passionate, he's safe, and he's just great. He definitely cares a lot. There's something about the way he's outright trying to make sure I'm in a good place mentally and getting what i need to done and just being encouraging and a great company. Like yeah, half the motivation for getting things done lately is just making sure i can make it down there to stop this from being long distance. There's somebody down there who genuinely wants to be that person to just exist at home with and go on adventures about town with. Just somebody to have around for literally anything. Like. I CAME OUT TO HIM. He didn't even dodge the topic like my last ex did. It wasn't this awkward thing, it was just "as long as this makes you happy" and just jeez <3

then the worry about being with my mom again because FL rent is a waking nightmare. Like yeah, I'm going to get shit about my weight a lot and still have to pay HER rent, but i mean, it's better than being in this hellscape that is a metropolis and nearby people i like and trust. and not the constant hostility between people out here. I've come to the conclusion that people in cities are just awful and so stuck in their lives of nothing but work and the hell that is this place with no escape which has made them into what they are now. At no fault of their own, but they're all selfish assholes. Like everybody is struggling and packed in like sardines. Of course we're all on edge. But FUCK, be NICE to others for the love of god. We're all in the same cement hell.

I want peace, and peace is a place i know well. I want to be back home already and not panicking about all this shit and slowly going broke due to predatory capitalism. I want to be with that guy. I want to have my friends just ten minutes away. I want to be back in this familiar town i know like the back of my hand instead of this cement labyrinth of highways and skyscrapers. I'll settle for my old Panera job for a while. I just want something familiar that isn't this. I want peace again and a place that's loud and hostile isn't peace.

#taks speaks #screaming into the void