#I don't intend to speak over asexual people here

[cardentist]

op turned off reblogs on this post [Link], so I'm reposting this over here:

it's Extremely Unfortunate that we're at the point in trans masc exclusionism where we have to be hyper vigilant against seemingly innocuous posts.

when the op of this post says "men" in this post she means trans men.

trans men who present masc before (and sometimes during and after) hrt are often clocked as butch lesbians, because they are seen as feminine bodies presenting masculinely.

while there Are cis men who present similarly to butch lesbians (there's a very famous meme about it), how many cis men do you know that are Actively Trying or Want to present like butch lesbians?

or how about the Not Insignificant Overlap between trans mascs And butch lesbians (and lesbians in general)? the amount of trans mascs who identified as lesbians before they knew, who sometimes continue to feel a connection to that community as they realize more about their identity.

when op says "transandrophobia truthers" are the exact group of people this post was made about he's talking about trans mascs. this is a post saying that Trans Mascs aren't The Real Thing. and more specifically, the "transandrophobia truther" dog whistle refers back to trans mascs who stand up for themselves. who want their trauma to be taken seriously, who want to be treated like equals within the community. [Link]

it is a derogatory term that was specifically created by exclusionists to belittle trans mascs who speak up for themselves. it is Explicitly About trans mascs, and yet it's a term that people who are unfamiliar with the harassment happening towards trans mascs won't recognize.

and the nasty thing about it is that op was Intentionally trying to make a jab to hurt and belittle trans mascs while Framing it as a support post for trans and lesbian women. people who don't Already Know are going to interact with this post thinking that it's Only a positivity post.

thinking that it's just a silly little post punching up at cishet society.

when it's transphobia pointed at trans masc people.

I've said it before, but all exclusionism on this site is the same. it's the Exact Same tactics used over and over and over again, just with different targets.

and you saw Exactly this technique with ace exclusion All The Time. make a post that seems silly and lighthearted on the surface, that's Worded like it's referring to a privileged group, so that people pass it around without thinking about it.

but the Undercurrent, is a coded message to hurt a specific minority group, to hurt the target that's Familiar Enough with their own exclusion to read the intended insult.

and by Coding It, by making it a dog whistle instead of making it explicit, it Seems like more people support their position than they do (furthering the feeling of isolation in their victims). and works to help Normalize their talking points as they slowly become more explicit (intending to convert more people).

with asexuals it was "cishets trying to invade queer spaces," with trans mascs it's "men trying to invade trans/women's spaces."

it's intuitive that queer people punch up at cishets, it's Intuitive that trans people and women punch up at men, and That's The Point.

if the op of this post hadn't Explicitly referred to trans mascs in the notes ("transandrophobia truthers"), then I probably wouldn't have figured out what they were doing. I would've felt put off by it (as I was intended to, as it was created with the explicit intent to make people like me feel uncomfortable), but I wouldn't have had reason to look further into it. I probably would've just brushed it off and moved on.

unfortunately the only way around it is hypervigilence (learning the dog whistles, familiarizing yourself with how exclusionists talk about their victims), and hoping that the hand was tipped somewhere. hoping that the people who do this give away what their real Intent was.

and it's frustrating because the Vast Majority of the notes on the original post are just people having fun. who saw a post about trans butch lesbians and got excited and happy. and it's So Gross to see someone weaponize that.

it's unfair that people Need to be hypervigilent about posts About Them. it's one of the more upsetting aspects About exclusionism.

#discourse #exclusionism #transphobia #transandrophobia #queer unity #I do think the fact that op immediately locked down #means that I was right on the money #not that it was up for debate #because they said what they meant outright themselves for free

[yearningaces]

Back on my bullshit! this time with a scenario I've been in before as far as the conversations go. Very lighthearted talks about asexuality and a lack of sexual connotation for the reader with a very supportive werebear partner (I'm a sucker for bears of any form lol)

"It's hot!" you groan in frustration as you lounge on the couch. Hearing the heavy steps of your sweet partner, you look up to the stout werebear, watching as he gives you a pitying smile and holds out a Popsicle.

"Might help?" He offers hopefully, watching with a proud grin as you take the treat.

You eat away at the Popsicle, watching the weather station on the TV describing a new record breaking heatwave. "Honey, I'm moments away from stripping down to nothing and jumping in the creek out back."

Boris watches you with a somewhat surprised expression before shaking his head off slightly. "Casually or?"

At that you're reminded that not everyone has a certain lack of thoughts that you do. you watch Boris sit on the couch, careful not to get too close since he knows how overheated you get when the weather is this bad. You ponder for a moment before speaking, "Casually is the only way I'd understand that to be."

Boris nods his head in understanding, leaning back in his spot and watching the TV for a moment before turning back to you. "We are aware that doin' something like that wouldn't be casual for a lot of folks, yeah?" His tone is lacking judgement but the reminder is as odd feeling as it always is.

"I don't get why, it's just skin and a body." You muse confused as you reposition to spread out slightly before speaking again, "I mean, how many times do I drag you to a museum and we see those beautiful paintings of half naked women and men? to me a body is just a body and there's nothing sexual or anything else unless the person in the body intends on it to be. I never intend that so it's frustrating to me when the rest of the world forces that assumption and intention onto me just cause I have genitals."

You hear a grunt of agreement from Boris as he nods his head, genuinely listening to your words and understanding your viewpoint. The action is all the more appreciated because you know Boris is a creature that enjoys sexual activities, but the day he learned you were asexual you both had a very long discussion about things he might say or do that he worried would make you uncomfortable and promised to stop all of those things immediately. You both figured out a comfortable way and with his assurance that he understood to never expect any sort of sexual connotation or action from you regardless of what you do or say, you were very comfortable and happy with him.

As if reading your mind, Boris once more understood that those were never your thoughts, and all you wanted was to cool off. "You can strip if you want, we're home and no one is here but us. I'll grab the box fan or if you want to be in the water that bad, the tub isn't big enough, but I can go get an inflatable pool and we can blow it up in the kitchen for you?"

At that you turn to look at Boris with the most amused expression over his offers.

The dark furred werebear watches your expression with confusion as well. "What? you want to cool off and mentioned wanting to strip and run to the creek, but don't want people looking at you with that kinda impression cause it makes you uncomfortable, so I can get an inflatable pool, we have a big enough kitchen and no one could see you and make you uncomfortable either." There he went again, being all considerate.

"I'll cut up that watermelon we got in the fridge while you do that and we can have a little party." Your grin only grows as you think of bringing the radio into the kitchen as well, not worrying about the mess and trusting it'll be messy to clean later but that's part of the fun.

Boris grins, standing and stretching from his spot before offering a paw out to you, as soon as your smaller hand was in his he easily pulled you up. Boris planted a quick kiss on the side of your head before wandering off to the garage in search of the inflatable kid pool while you wandered off to the kitchen, already tossing your shirt off as you went.

it was way too hot to be dealing with all of that anyways

#gender neutral reader #monster romance #x reader #monster boyfriend #asexual #asexuality #Boris the werebear

[transrightsjimin]

big question, is the q word something that most of the community avoids or is it just wrong for cishet people to use? I'm not cis and not het and I've always used the word to identify myself. similarly, i have many many lgbt friends and we all use it about ourselves/each other and also to title the community in general. it proves to be easier to say than a string of letters. i guess i just don't know if we're behind the times or is it just dependent on the person?

i rly can’t speak for what most of the community wants or doesnt bc that’s hard to measure. it’s in general just difficult to speak of one true global LGBT community, considering LGBT was never intended as a solid group with rigid identities, but moreso referring to a coalition of different marginalized groups that sought to fight for equal rights. the labels and discourses surrounding it only make sense in “western“ or colonial cisheteronormative societies in which a gender binary is the norm. i tend to use lgbt for ease, but i wanted to emphasize here that there is not one universal understanding of / equal amount of relevance across cultures to the term LGBT. i understand that ppl prefer a different word for personal use for reasons such as this.

that aside, i’m afraid the trend is heading towards the q slur being used as umbrella term, or on the other hand, to use a long acronym despite not all groups in additions unanimously agreeing with being included, nor being faced with similar degrees of stigma and violence. ive seen both of these trends start to show years ago on tumblr and by now it has reached outside it and it’s rly tiresome bc other perspectives aren’t considered as much, and it allows in people w power over others who reinforce prejudice and make spaces unsafe, e.g. with asexuals joining GSAs in the US and pushing for PDA being banned in the groups bc it makes them uncomfortable.

i’ve been told by some dutch people that the q slur somehow isn’t considered a slur to ppl here bc it got introduced through academia while gay was introduced here as insult. but idk what to think of that, considering i don’t like the loose use of the q slur in academia (to the point where it’s used to refer to inanimate objects and random shit) nd i have not been introduced to it this way but knew it as a slur first and foremost.

and of course the ppl i spoke to who like the term and use it so liberally didn’t consider other views when they only engaged w other ppl who id more as q***r. and i’m just kinda iffy w local groups w the word in the name anyway since my impression thus far has been that these groups pose having less common genders or sexualities (and often include things tht are not oppressed in the same way tht being lgbt is, and invite in cishets) in itself as a very radical thing, even more than different labels, and i just cringe at that bc it says nothing abt politics at this point.

if anything it’s downright insulting to call everyone the slur despite being asked for years and years by others to not to do it. i dont think you followed me for a long time bc otherwise it wouldn’t be so shocking to you to come across the criticism. people keep asking again and again to not call them the q slur, nor refer to a community as a whole this way. i know ppl on tumblr have 0 reading comprehension but i get really tired of people responding in defense, as if personally attacked, time and again, “should i not call myself this then?? are you saying i’m not valid??“ (i cant see the word valid anymore since like 7 years ago, but thats another topic).

and like no, people simply ask to not be called this by strangers or have whole communities be called a slur. you can reclaim words that might’ve been used against you, but that nor the fact that it’s been reclaimed by more people over the past few years doesn’t make it not a slur anymore suddenly.

like just say LGBT for others, if it deems relevant to the context, and stop referring to strangers or a community at large with a slur that’s used against people to this day.

#asks #anon #i really dreaded answering this #bc i know im turning annoyed bc ive read nd had these convos years ago #and i know how ppl on tumblr are and too many never let go of their 'all labels r vald' era #instead of grow up and realize its not abt a vague use of w/e validity means #but abt the real life world consequences people face for being trans and/or being attracted to the same gender #such as issues of homelessness nd conversion therapy nd hate crimes nd violent policies etc etc #q slur // #transphobia // #homophobia // #i cant give short replies ever so pls dont ask me deep questions too often i rly suck at that

[demi-ro-demi]

My Awkward First "Romance"

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before I was bullied pretty heavily in high school and I'm also asexual. Needless to say there were a lot of factors that delayed my dating experience.

I wont go into much detail, but my thought was that my asexuality was caused by my experience in school, and that nobody actually felt those feelings until they went through a transition period I liked to call "the puppy love phase" and that because I didn't go through it, my only option was to find a guy willing to wait until marriage for religious reasons, which is what may parents told me. I am not religious. I'm not against dating religious people, but the few times I've tried religion came up on the first date, and every single time he wanted to "save" me. My parents think I will have a lot in common with a nice religious boy, because religious men are so notoriously sex positive feminist lgbt+/allies. What could go wrong with a religious man and a passionately autonomous woman.

So the first and last relationship I was in was okay. I stayed with him because he was "nice" when in reality he was just non confrontational unassuming and not someone I percieved as at all threatening. He wasn't compassionate and understanding, just friendly and polite, and my family loved him for it.

It started out online on PoF (which I don't use anymore and wont until they allow bi/pan options). After meeting my fair share of thirsty suitors I was just about through. Most men were "sex positive", but expected a woman who decided she owned her body to put out on the first date, because what reason other than religion would keep a woman from giving her body to a man. Then I met this guy who was sincere and genuine, thought naive little me.

Honestly in text he was quite charming. And in person he was actually kind of handsome. But, I felt nothing when meeting him no spark no butterflies. I just didn't like him and honestly I was begging any gods that would listen that he wouldn't try to kiss me at the end of the date.

So obviously after that we were through. Just kidding! This went on for three months.

First red light was on the first date. Aside from the fact that I was not attracted to him even romantically. He asks the dreaded online dating question.

"How does a girl like you need a dating app"

There is no right answer. It's a diagnostic question "how bad is it" "how crazy are you" "what is your baggage". Its toxic annoying and speaks volumes of the askers insecurity. I decided to answer briefly, but honestly. When I meet people they usually want sex early on, so it's easier to figure out what people expect from a relationship if they spell it out on a dating app.

So I went home and my parents asked how it went and I told them about him, and that he was handsome and that he was nice. They were too thrilled that this boy "checked all the boxes" to hear me when I said I didn't really like him. Its was about a week until he showed up at my work as a romantic gesture. It would have been creepy if he wasn't a chill guy and I didn't work in the public space, but still I didn't like him and I had a lot of work to do, so it wasn't exactly welcome.

3 weeks in he met my family I was planning to break up the, but I felt so guilty he was so "nice" my family loved him and he was cute. I really didn't have what I felt was a legitimate reason to break up with him. So I went along for another month. We'd kissed a few times, he always tried to get tongue involved, but I wouldn't let him, and the topic of sex came up so I decided to tell him what I thought at the time was the whole story. Due to my class my parents recent divorce and my fractured relationship with my mother, I didn't like affection from anyone, it made me uncomfortable, and if I was going to get to a point where I was, I'd need a lot of time.

"I can't be your therapist" he said.

And I agreed with him.

After all I've gone through after telling him I'm uncomfortable and exposing everything. He still couldn't see passed his disappointment that he couldn't get it yet, and I SYMPATHIZED with him. I changed I became more attentive I let him touch my breasts, even though I didn't want to. He made me sit in his lap IN FRONT OF MY SISTERS, and my family STILL thought he was cute. He told me he loved me a month in and pressured me to say it back. I felt trapped.

It all came to a head when I told him I was getting a puppy (long time dream of mine, and he knew it) and he got jealous. He texted me non stop at work and my coworker and good friend told him to knock it off. She told him everything he did to me that was out of line. He went off on me over text. He told me our relationship was private, and that I shouldn't have told my friend that he said he loved me. He said "I don't think we can do this anymore" and oh my god the relief. I sent him a very not nasty break up text in return, and he backpedaled and stupid stupid me still believed I owed him a chance.

We fought that night over text, I felt bad and called him. If we were going to argue it should be with our own voices. I told him that my parents fought and went to bed angry and I didn't want that for us. You know. The relationship a tricked myself into believing I wanted. He hung up. The next morning he texted me and told me he didn't go to be angry and honestly, I was so pissed in that moment. He knew last night no matter how late that he wasn't angry anymore, but let ME believe he was.

I was finally done. We went shopping for puppy supplies and he asked if the puppy was going to get affection from me. I said yes, I intended to mother him a little. Come one it's a puppy. He was not happy. Rough with the breaks the door and when he put the shopping cart away he practically threw it. That was the first time I was ever afraid of him. I didn't want to get back in the car. I told him a friend wanted to meet me down the block, and I knew he needed to go back to work. So he left I called a friend to pick me up. I broke up with him over text and never told my parents about his outbursts that day.

Anyways here's the baby, he's actually 3 in this pic

#asexuel #romance

[putris-et-mulier]

People choose sides because it's easier that way. Easier to feel right about what they do and don't cater to on an every day basis. But as my understanding of this site goes most people are here for lip service, both giving and receiving, to justify view points and prejudices. No one is right, most people are wrong, but when favorites get attacked then people turn into white knights without getting all their facts straight. You always try to get all sides and that's why i respect your voice~

~in most matters and am readily educated on anything i may have had some oreconceived notions about. So let this hellsite block you as it burns from the inside out. You're doing just fine with cosmic and this blog as far as im concerned. 

 That was extremely well put… I’ll speak frankly:

I love social media and I love this website because you unintentionally learn so much you didn’t know that you didn’t know. I’ve been through MySpace and LiveJournal and a billion fourms and I’ve always found arguments to be the most enlightening things publicly shared.

You don’t just have to listen to both sides to join or lurk, you actually have to read and pay attention to what each person is saying, even if it’s just to make the most clever clap back. Order really appreciated good clap back.

Maybe it’s the longevity of the site but like you said, people have favorites. There are far less arguments going on around here, actual arguments and not moral accusations. I never misrepresent myself, I mean everything I say but most of the time when I comment on something myself I’m intentionally instigating anger. If people come to call me out that’s great and I’ll participate if people are willing to legitimately argue with me but more often people just tattle to people who they agree with and block me or other people they disagree with so they don’t have to see things they don���t agree with.

That mentality is frightening. It’s dangerous. It leads to things like a Trump presidency.

Worst of all, it’s being encouraged through fake allyship of the disabled through censorship like trigger warnings, through things that are real and matter but are so taken for granted and simplified that they become meaningless or joke. Typing Tr*mp instead of Trump which can be funny but it also reassures people that they are morally superior for agreeing with what they are told to agree with.

Like you said, people have their favorites and a sheep mentality is to be expected but over the years people’s favorites have become favorites of their own, fans of themselves. They don’t tell their followers, “this is why she’s a dumb bitch…” they say, “lol yeah, she’s a dumb bitch.”

I’ve always been good at playing the villain, but I’m becoming more and more frustrated that no one is playing the hero. Very few people go out on a limb to defend their opinions, they just bask in the attention and groups become more and more insular. More marginalized. More segregated. Utilizing and refining more dangerous techniques to maintain the status quo.

The marginalized communities that are harder to defend without changing at least part of your initial conditioning (like disability, bisexuality, asexuality, inter-sexuality, etc) become popularized by outrage, but people are so ignorant about them even if they are convinced to support those communities they know nothing about them and can’t actually support them in any real way as allies. They can do nothing that has any real world effect and seem to not realize that they should.

People re-blog posts that say, “this blog supports XYZ” or “ZYX don’t interact.” That does nothing but validate the people who are woke like a last bed confession; they go to Heaven through mere acceptance and not good deeds. No one is interested in educating themselves, they just want to parrot/re-blog people whose opinions they want to be associated with.

At least before allies received an education even if from an argument or altercation, reaffirming their allyship. Now it’s just a circle jerk.

I don’t believe anyone should be required to educate anyone, that’s not my point. I believe through personal experience that people become educated through participatory allyship, even if only digitally, and through witnessing the reality of what is said and done to marginalized communities they aren’t a part of. Their ideologies are refined by witnessing opposing ideologies facing each other and through the trial and error of joining the argument.

I can’t articulate how much I appreciate people who say they’ve learned a lot through following me, but I also can’t articulate how disappointed I am when people “favorite” me and don’t actually consider the other people’s opinions. Even if I think someone is dangerously wrong, or especially, then, I want people to consider their opinion because if one person has it that means hundreds of thousands of people do, and most probably do through passive ignorance and not an actual intent to be a bigot.

It’s a lazy of me to comment on things with the sole purpose of evoking emotion but so few people actually care about who and what they claim to care about. “I support XYZ” gets billions of notes but people tl;dr things that have real world application. Real information or the questioning of information that makes being an ally more than just a verb.

I obviously care about disability. Disability is objectively and statistically the least supported marginalized community. Our genocide comes first and our civil rights movements come last. Disabled people are actually starting to be recognized as a marginalized community not just online but in politics in academia but as always it’s emerging during the down slide of other people’s invested interest.

In my opinion, we don’t need people protesting Eminem for using the word retard. We need people protesting our murders.

I never intended to be a “popular” blog and I don’t care if I lose 10,000 followers or more over one flippant comment. I’ve dealt with incredible guilt of running a popular blog and not using the platform as I should and that something I really couldn’t live with.

There are a lot of nice disabled bloggers out there to follow. There are options now. I don’t feel like I have to or should keep taking responsibility to introduce disability to people; I feel like I can and should use my talent of being unlikable and infuriating to at least get people to feel things about our issues. If it no longer incites arguments hopefully it at least encourages people to consider the actual words and positions of their favorites as opposed to me.

#Anonymous