#I feel like I am losing my fucking mind lol

[hypermascbishounen]

The thing about a lot of the purity culture stuff is how it's also propped up by the anti-intelectualism. Which is how you get people earnestly Charlie-day-cork-board style arguing why anything they don't like has incest subtext, while insulting anyone who actually cares about analyzing real incest subtext.

It's also hard to do any serious analysis of the state of queer works, when the well has been so thoroughly poisoned between prople policing who gets to write/enjoy it, vs writers who see regular engagement with the premise of their writing as a threat.

#Like it's just surreal to read something with serious incestuous implications then go online #And it's verboten to even acknowledge it or you are evil - but reading the thing with incest subtext is fine bc it doesn't exist nope #Meanwhile the same fandom has wanked two unrelated characters into “like incest” but only if you ship them #And don't let my pfp fool you this isn't just about one fandom this has happened in every other fandom I've been in the last few years #I feel like I am losing my fucking mind lol #And yeah it does seem to be unfortunately related to how people see “representation” #Bc you will see people basically arguing that exploring queerness through fiction is inherent fetishization #Unless it's conforming to their strict Disney S&P department standards #And that this is to protect queers and stop the spread of ...degeneracy...yeah that is just 80's sex wars garbage lol #Meanwhile the primary argument made against this will be to claim that writing queer works is inherently radical #Regardless of context or quality or artist #And that they deserve praise and that criticism is just being a hater and those fags should be grateful to their genius actually and - #yeah that is just more conservative bullshit in a different hat #No you are not beyond reproach bc of your subject matter or identity no subject matter or identity are not inherently damning #It just feels like both of these “sides” are artificial and astroterfed so that we all lose either way #And I am so done with it lol like wtf why is everyone like this now

[starredforlife]

sorry I’m just actually sick to death of being told I’m intimidating . I know it’s scary when a woman talks without apologizing for herself constantly but maybe uhhhhh grow up!!!

#I’m not Scary on purpose literally I don’t fucking. growl at people #I don’t glare at them or be mean #can I be condescending? sure. it’s something I’m working on. #but how is it that I get demonized for this and straight men get way with it fucking constantly. and it’s an accepted and sometimes beloved #part of them #if one more fucking person tells me I’m intimidating bc I speak clearly and ask questions I’m going to lose my fucking mind #star’s thoughts #sorry this is a culmination of a bunch of shit lol #just bc I’m not scared of you doesn’t mean you need to be scared of me 😭😭😭😭😭 pleaseeee #part of me is thinking I’ve just been experiencing like intense lesbophobia or smthn at this point bc what the fuck #do I do that offends people off the bat. #but then I remember how I Am and rumors are true I border on the line of arrogance I dance on the showboat I flirt harshly with confidence #I think I have an issue where people have to earn my respect in conversation #and that is rightfully intimidating. probably some kind of protective tactic #I command it but also I demand you Show Up upfront and I can see how that’s like. anxiety inducing #I’m shifting to try and offer that respect upfront instead and hopefully that’ll make people feel less on edge #this has been like. a mini diary. sorry lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[furox]

I feel like every sentence I say these days starts with, “once I can draw/use my hands again, I will—“

🤪

#descending into madness over here #I feel like I’m getting REALLY annoying but listen. listen. #I am a shell of a human #all my fun things #all my coping things #are gone #even boring mandatory things like opening doors and jars and chopping vegetables. are agonizing #I can barely use a computer or a phone. even the tv remote hurts #i’m losing my fucking mind #tendonitis #having said that I’m in the best mood I’ve been in days so don’t worry lol #but still. gotta fern!!!! #<- that was supposed to say vent #idk what happened

[kuiinncedes]

asjfbcdndbd

#bruhhh is it bad that i #my friend keeps texting me like ‘how are you doing’ / ‘how are you’ which like i appreciate it #but she does it so often and idk why i’m lowkey a little annoyed by it #which sounds so bad and sndbfjdhdhdj god like i’m grateful that she #makes the effort to reach out bc i used to never feel like anyone would reach out to me #and i’ve told her that so maybe that’s why idfk #but idk like she asks me almost every day/every other day and i’m just like djfjdjdjd #miss girl ily but pls my answers not gonna change lmfao 😭 #i’m not doing shit how i’m doing isn’t interesting i’m also like not gonna tell u #that like i’m bored af of my life rn i’m tired i need to fucking create sm or do some fucking art soon or imma lose my mind a little #i’m just fucking chilling i’m not doing anything interesting i’m literally just fine lmao #like i’m just chilling like the last 10 times u asked 😭😭😭 #idk idk 🤡 she asked me tonight and then said sm else so i answered the other thing and ignored the hru lmao #but then after the conversation abt the other thing she asked me hru again :’) #idk if any of this makes sense LOL i also feel bad abt complaining abt it 😭 #idk WHY i’m lowkey annoyed by it. maybe i’m so fucking used to friends not reaching out to me #that her doing this makes me hhfhjfjdhfhffj lmao #like yeah i ofc love her texting me i just don’t wanna answer hru so many times lmao and ik i could tell her that or like ask why she asks #how i am so much but i don’t want to c: #ANYWAY LEMME ANSWER HER LMFAO GIRL #🤡 anyway also yeah i need to like start drawing sm or do a lettering thing soon #:D #jeanne talks

[crunchycrystals]

does anyone else remember bratayley.

#crunchyposts #guys i loved bratayley so much i'm watching ashley norton's vid on the chicken girls and im losing my mind #thats the way i learned whwat the word hire meant. when i was a kid i copied them sliding down a slide that had rain on the bottom bc it #looked fun #when i was a kid i copied them putting on m&m makeup and then my face had a bad reaction to it lol #i looked up to them lol i'm surprised to learn how old i am relative to them now bc it did Not feel like that (vague for privacy) #i remember my mom telling me on the ride home frm school about caleb and it was surreal even though i wasnt a fan anymore #YES i liked family vloggers in my defense i was a child i hate the ones now #at least bratayley was filmed by the kids #i watched the shayt/rds which was way worse. wait is that a fucking slur in their name #i dont like that word so im gonna censor it !!!!!!!!! personal reasons !!!!!! #i was there when the shay(???) family got pregnant i have seen things. #yt

[ienvieu]

god i am so fucking frustrated

#80% of being the oldest sister of a bunch of immature stubborn bitchy siblings is crying your anger away in secret #damned if you try damned if you dont i am sick of it #berated for complaining even just a little and scolded when i decide not to share my struggles anymore like ffs pick your damn mind #compared to cousins compared to neighbors compared to random kids on the internet compared to their younger selves god i just. #and then they go and ask how my day has been and how im feeling gtfo i dont want that #either disown me and hate me or whatever or actually listen to me and not undermine everything i try to do #just pick a fucking side i HATE it when people demonize me and then smother me back to back #like i dont want to sound this whiny but god i wish they'd miscarried me too??? #man i sound like a total bitch rn lol idk i just want to leave #i can never seem to win #they dont let me express my exhaustion and anger and sadness and frustration and then they go ahead and wonder why this girl is #acting distant or passive agressive or why she keeps fracturing or bruising her knuckles or why she keeps biting her nails and #chewing on her lips and picking at her skin and just fucking lose it all the damn time #nothing i do is enough i just dont want to be here and i want to leave and take a break for a while but nooo that would make me #a family hater 🥴🥴 #and i dont even hate them i just cant stand the way they treat me all the time #i get so confused one minute she's telling me how bad i am and telling me that im wrong and wrong and wrong and how i cant do this #or that or how she used to be so much better than i am now and whatever #and the next she and i are sitting in the kitchen laughing about some random thing #i HATE that. idc if that's oh a 'normal mother daughter relationship' and 'everyone experiences it' and how 'it will pass' #well it hasnt passes and it's been years and im tired of this back and forth and constantly being shamed and i want out. just. out. #and when i tried gathering the courage to tell them i wanted a therapist to talk to she was like ' oh that's expensive and you dont even #look like you need one but if you insist we can pay for it ☹️👉👈 it's okay we will work extra hard to get the money 😖' #fuck that #thanks for once again making me feel like utter shit for asking for some help. again. #which brings me to my next point which is why the FUCK do we have to pay 50 fucking euroes for an hour of therapy?? #i can get all of the validation and grounding techniques off the internet for free why the fuck do we need to pay 50€ for talking?? #and like mental health is so stigmatized still with my family and my closer friend's family that we both cant tell them anything about it #girlie got clinical depression and she doesnt want to tell her parents bc she knows how they will react #and we both spend nights cry laughing about the fact that i have scars all over me that my parents dont have a single fucking clue about

[pepprs]

experiencing unbearable levels of misery

#purrs #not to continue ranting and raving about how bad it is rigjt now but it is very bad. like i do not want to wake up tomorrow a little bit bad #but i am going to wake up tomorrow and i am going to bring a painting and i am going to ask to talk again maybe and i am going to deal with #the consequences of my actions even though they LITERALLY are not that bad and are the expected normal human response in this situation. lik #like i have to hold on to.. idk. like this isn’t me. im just reacting. and im allowed to react badly because this fucking sucks and im so #hurt over it and i need to say that. even if it’s selfish even if there’s no purpose other than to tell her so. i need to. bc i feel like im #falling apart rn. i am so mentally ill about this it is not even a big deal comparatively but i am losing my mind and she needs to know. lol #delete later #* this isn’t me = it’s not MY actions that got us into this stupid fucking mess. like how are you goi ng to do something so selfish and #cruel and uncaring and the. tell us we can’t show sadness about it LOLLLL LIKE AFE YOU KIDDING ME! i know that’s not fair to her but like. #i literally am so hurt and frustrated and angry. i feel used a little bit LMAOOOO. i hate this. what did it mean to you really if you just #decide like that to bounce ESPECUALLY RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT LIKE. HELLO. HELLOOOOOOOO. did you even care abt us at all 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[mrfoox]

I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow

Curse it all

#miranda talking shit #At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik #Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how #He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to #Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship #Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i #Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself #What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah #What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An #Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me #I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find #Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man #At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously #I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe #Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want #An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to #Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments #And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its #Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people #And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit #Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to #Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro #Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was #Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes

[psy-ay-ay]

maybe i'm being completely partial to buffy and to spike but

THEY THREW BUFFY OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?!?!!!!!! ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE

i just feel like whoever's willing to be responsible gets the most criticism for it too

#and i am saying that as someone who isn't a 'take charge' person like buffy #also all these potentials are SO IRRITATING #i already have to listen to the ramblings of a 1D misogynist preacher #i expected this from xander cause he always acts like this even when he isn't disfigured permanently because of a fight buffy led them into #but everyone? and at least we know what dawn felt when she had to ask buffy to leave and faith was also being nicer #but all these newbies like rona and Kennedy and principal wood can just shut their newbie unexperienced and ungrateful traps #watching buffy the vampire slayer #btvs s7 #spike and faith in the basement tho <3 #also spike and buffy: i love how it all feels so real now and some part of me wants them to kiss #but i also like how it's about them supporting each other beyond the fucking lol #so we're in too deep now; almost to the end #but i have decided to read comics for the next seasons to get some of my spuffy fix #spike is so god damned hot i am losing my mind #ahem so yeah

[amaya-writes]

guys omfg babydoll by ari abdull is just 💳✨💳😍🥵

literally THE sex song like omg this song, led lights, and who

#plz like gojo or mikey #MIKEY omg like bonton era?? #and RAN #ran and rindou even like omg #AND BELPHIE #or asmo omg asmo #(i swear just like all of the brothers at this point lol) #this song is it y'all #this song + black clothes makes me feel fucking unstoppable #i swear #i am SIMPING so hard for ari rn #like i've had this song on replay for the past hour anjdowls #and the sped up version omg losing my mind #amaya: simps

[ilyghostgirls]

am i seriously the only person whose default response to being treated like shit is to instantly fly into a murderous rage and start violently hitting yourself only because you don't have physical access to the person who did it

#it keeps happening in this game over and over :) #every single fucking time it all instantly comes flooding back and i lose it and hurt myself #ive spent my entire life feeling like a caged animal I'm so fucking sick of it #when i feel degraded in any capacity it's like every single fucking shit memory ive ever had to make me hate myself #just comes back. and says this is why you should kill yourself #and it feels like im sitting at the edge of a cage while someone repeatedly kicks it over and over and throws it around #i am just instantly transported back into a state of mind where i feel like this and i cant handle it lol

[twilightgoldenhour]

i have another fic series in the works (that has been in the works for like at minimum a year) and i’m like frothing at the mouth wanting to post it for that sweet, sweet dopamine but i also don’t want to post it until i have the plot and more than like, a singular chapter written out and i’m like

#the thing in it's mouth is the fic #and i am losing my fucking mind #aaaggghhh #violence #blood #also if anyone is wondering it's NOT a twilight fic #although the GH universe has multiple fics planned too outside of the GH twilight books #also i feel like i need to stress that this [redacted] fic is a SERIES #and by series i mean there are SIX DIFFERENT OC STORIES PLANNED #SIX!!!! #ALL INTERCONNECTED!!!! #IT'S LIKE THE M C U BUT WAY BETTER #i have a discord server just for me for a bunch of shit #and i have a whole channel dedicated to this series and it's world building and character stories #and i just #ugggghhhhh i want to post itttt but i need to write it fiiirrrsstttt #:( #also i feel a lil bad for wanting to post a different fic when i'm still working on gh but uhhh oh well lol #i'm a multi project person #you should see how many knitting projects i have going on at any given moment #not gh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose #very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body #so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with #energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we #can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like #losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my #ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things #less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out #but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional #range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes #so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like #oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to #understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have #to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make #me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain #fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like #lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes #me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs #will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u #plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im #trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying #to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me #more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something #how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at #first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into #academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u #gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer #then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement #well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw #unrelated

[nimomo-mo]

vent

#i was hungry today so i think my appetite is coming back despite the pills #and im not sure if thats a good thing #i still cant focus so i mean. lol. lmao even #at least i cant make myself start tasks and my executive dysfunction is as bad as ever #now i have the issue of if i keep getting hungry like before im gonna gain weight again and i dont wanna #look theres nothing wrong with being fat or chubby and god knows im not aiming to be a stick figure but oh my god i dont want to gain weigh #i should work out and get fit like a normal human and that means i should eat right. but i still have that nagging feeling #i love myself. i do. i have the dissociation thing where i cant recognize myself in the mirror tho. and its not good this time. #usually i dont really mind since its like. you know like its not me anyway so what does it matter if that girl is fat or not #but im really self conscious and feel gross and i dont know why it all started back up again #i want to measure it. want to weigh myself. want to count calories and check with measuring tape #but i really shouldnt and i know that if i do i will trigger such a bad episode i might end up in the fucking hospital #i need to hold out until this episode goes away. i need to stand it all until i get my head back together. #i dont wanna get malnutrition or lose weight so fast my skin gets flappy #but every little thing i eat ends up nagging at the back of my head about how if i eat more ill get fat and noone will like me then #its not true. i know its not true. and i know fat people are gorgeous and i am already chubby so what does it matter #but i feel horrible. i dont want to look like this or feel like this or be like this #i want to be the best i can be. i want to reach my full potential. but its not exactly working. i swear to god i wanna love myself #i want to be loved. i want to be adored. i want to be the one someone picks even if the room is full of gorgeous and competent women #i want to be the first choice and for the person to see me as the most beautiful person in the world #to be the first choice and to be everything someone wants and needs. to be the ideal. to be the perfect one even with my flaws #i want someone to look at all the ugly sides of me and look at my fat and my emotional fuckery and my ugly crying and still love me #i want someone to love me so wholeheartedly i wont ever feel like theyd like someone else. that theyd pick someone else. that im not no.1 #i want to be that person you do a double take of. to be the one that people get jealous of. to be the spotlight. to be the prettiest one. #its egoistical and selfish and childish and mean and dumb and naive and self absorbed i know. i know that it is #but its still there and its embarrassing . but im not gonna pretend like i dont have these thoughts and feelings. #im not smart or pretty enough to stand out. i dont know what could make me special. i dont know what i do that makes me unique. #what am i? who am i? how do i get better? i want to be better. i want to be better i want to be better i want to be better #i want to reach a new level i want to reach their level i want to be at the top i want to be special i want to be better i want to be proud #i want to be genuinely proud and special and outstanding enough to not feel insecure or inferior anymore

[quietblissxx]

.

#I'm sorry I just feel like I'm losing my mind #like am i over reacting? #did i just over estimate the impact i had on people's lives? #like yeah i know i quit but i worked there for a decade!!! #and the initial hello was always great but then everyone drifted away and i as at a table alone??? #i just feel stupid for feeling like i mattered to people #Ugh Ugh Ugh #my brain is always like lol hey no one gives a shit about you and uh i feel like tonight kinda confirmed it #personal #i mean many of my closest friends have quit or are on leaves right now so i was expecting it be somewhat awkward #but like. i miss feeling connected #in ever single aspect of my life i miss feeling connected #and now it's Sunday fucking night and i have to do another work week and i just feel so empty