#I kept wondering why they were the first blog in my dms but i kinda didnt think more of it

[1hyunjae]

Omg i sent somebody on here a post per dm on accident and i JUST noticed.... A week later

#I kept wondering why they were the first blog in my dms but i kinda didnt think more of it? #Then i accidentally clicked on it just now and saw a random mark post in there hshdhd #This is actually really funny you had to be there #kext

[superhero--imagines]

Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! / Part 5 Here! / Part 6 Here!

A/N: not superhero themed. I just read midnight sun and had this idea and I don’t feel like making another blog so.... hope you like twilight lol

There will be a part two, and just a reminder, I’m still looking for beta readers so DM if you’re interested!

* It probably starts with you reading midnight sun, you remember reading the books/watching the movies when you were younger.

* Man, you really forgot how bad this book was. The writing itself is good, but the plot...

* It’s like everything revolves around Bella, everything is created for her.

* You almost feel bad for the other characters

* Well, whatever, you’ll finish the rest of the book tomorrow and never think about that awful franchise again.

* When you wake up you feel an ache in your head. But you didn’t drink last night, maybe you’re dehydrated

* You shift, noting the smooth silk of the covers. Now you’re alarmed.

* You don’t have silk sheets

* You see a mirror in the corner of the room, and rush over

* The face that looks back at you is different then yours

* It’s the same in some ways, but different all the same

* The curve of your nose is slightly off, your lips are thinner, eyes a little closer together.

* The memories begin to flood in, in this world you were on a graduation trip with your parents, you got an all inclusive package. Three days of sightseeing in Volterra.

* You got sick on the last day, when you were signed for a tour of the castle, your parents went without you

* That was the last you saw of them

* You dumbly followed, asking question where you shouldn’t. And ended up at the volturi’s door

* Aro had grasped your hand to see how much you knew, only too see nothing. Likewise Jane’s powers did not work as well

* They were astounded by this, it appears this was several years before Bella was introduced to the story

* And so, you became a prisoner of the tower

* Your soul must have been in this body for quite some time, but you’ve only remembered now, that’s the only explanation for why their powers didn’t work on you. Your consciousness is not of this world.

* There’s a short knock on your door

* “Are you decent?”

* You call back and Alec pops his head in.

* “Ready to go to the library?”

* He looks so kind. The boyish grin that stretched across his face as you shook your head.

* It was in direct contrast to the sadistic personality you had become accustomed to in the books

* “I need a few more minutes”

* You half expect him to lash out at you for being slow. By he only nods, closing the door and waiting outside for you to finish.

* He was you friend. You realized

* He IS your friend

* You think back as you turn on the faucet. He didn’t like you at first, being assigned to guard a human was insulting

* But he started to warm up to you once he heard you play the piano

* This body was quite used to the ivory keys. And so you charmed him as best you could, half for your survival, because the happier you kept him the less likely he was to kill you.

* And half because- you were so lonely, the Loneliness echoed in this body like an ache. Suddenly an orphan, in a continent where you knew no one. All you had was this boy.

* How long have you been here? You kept a talley at one point, but abandoned it after the thirtieth day. What was the point? You would either die or become one of them

* A shiver erupts through at the thought, in your past life you were a vegetarian, you didn’t relish in the idea of killing something alive and moving.

* You pull on a sweatshirt, ripping of the chanel tag. They bought you the nicest things money could buy, the most lavish food you could have.

* They did the same thing with the tourists they lured, keeping them happy and well fed, the same way the cows that became wagyu beef might be cared for. That way when it came time to slaughter, the meal was that much more delicious.

* You suspected this was similar, that should you be an unnecessary addition, you would make a meal suitable for their palette

* Alec basically talks your ear off the entire way to the Volturi library, mostly about literature

* “What are your thoughts on Anna Kerenina?”

* “That the patriarchy needs to be burned to the ground.”

* “That is.... valid”

* He even talks when you’re at the library, much to the annoyance of a few of the other patrons

* “Which book are you looking for now?”

* You stop mid motion on the ladder and turn to look at him. His ruby eyes glowing, he looks bloated. Like he’s fed too much.

* “Alec, why are we friends?”

* You really should keep your mouth shut. Alec was the only real ally you had, you shouldn’t say anything that might put him off

* And yet, it unnerved you, because the Alec in front of you was a very different character then the one you had come to see.

* He looks at you like you hung the moon,

* “Because you’re the most interesting human in the world”

* You burst out laughing, earning several glares.

* “I-I’m sorry Alec, but I’m not, I’m just the most interesting human you KNOW, there’s way more people who are more interesting than me.”

* You expect to see him offended, and he does, but there’s a twinkle in his eyes

* “I’m not so sure about that”

* The days creep by, reading books, eating snacks, it’s nice

* You learn, that Alec hasn’t talked to a human in a very long time. Outside of the screams he heard after devouring one.

* He hasn’t been outside the castle walls in many years, possibly a century.

* “What’s the best part of the human world?” He asked you once

* It’s the 90’s, so smartphones haven’t been invented yet.

* “One tree hill and friends”

* “Well you have a friend right here”

* “No friends the show”

* “The what?”

* And that’s how you got Alec hooked onto cable television

* Who knew the cure to vampire- sadism was a healthy dose of Jennifer Aniston fumbling about on screen

* “Is this what life is like?”

* You shrug, it was what college had been like for you in your past life.

* “It’s kinda what schools like, but i never got to be on my own”

* This body was only 18 after all.

* Alec doesn’t say anything, but his expression falters

* Alec’s only now starting to understand the life you will be denied once Aro decides when to turn you

* Jane joins later

* One day when you and Alec are lazing around the library when she appears, she says nothing, just sits down next to Alec and reads a book

* You’re sure they hear the uneven thumping of your heart as you turn back to your book. Her power doesn’t work on you, you remind yourself

* Not that she even needs it, she could snap you apart like a Kit Kat bar

* And if it came down to it, you’re sure Alec would let her, he might like you but his loyalty’s always remained with his sister

* “So... you watch human television together?” Her bright red eyes flickered from Alec to you.

* You nodded, never sure what exactly it was that would set Jane off

* You had seen enough in the books to know her moods were compatible at best.

* “I would...like to join” she awkwardly looking away, and you were sure if she could, she would be blushing.

* Honestly it’s kind of cute.

* “Sure, the more the merrier”

* And that’s how you basically adopted the sadist twins

* It’s a little harder to get Jane to open up, but once you make a comment about how Phoebe was the best character in friends, she starts to open up

* “Humans are cruel, even when they’re kind it’s only because they want something from you.”

* “Is that what you think about me? That I’m only nice to you because I want something?” she meets your eyes for a few minutes before turning away

* “I’m not sure”

* You understand very gradually why they’re so twisted

* They’d been treated terribly during their human life, in every kind act lingered a dark shadow, in even minor misunderstanding the image of a monster

* Their centuries in the Volturi didn’t help. Under Aro’s ruthless tutelage, and Caius’s sadistic tendencies, They had no one they could trust but each other.

* They were only surviving just as you were

* “Sometimes I wonder how much of my loyalty is real, and how much of it is Chelsea.” She whispers one day, so quietly you barley hear it

* You rest your hand on hers, it’s the only comfort you could think to offer

* When Jane grasps your hand in hers, she breaks every bone in your hand

* She doesn’t understand the pained screams or your mangled hand fit a second, and then she realizes what she did

* Alarmed she carries you halfway around the castle screeching for someone to help

* You pass out from the pain, when you come to you’re in your bed, a very cold hand holding your own

* “How are you feeling?” You don’t recognize this vampire, but you don’t really know anyone outside of Alec and Jane.

* You feel light headed, a warm feeling washing over you, you must be on some strong drugs

* “My body’s still grieving, but my mind is sharp.”

* It’s incoherent at best, but there’s truth to it, your body is still grieving for your parents and the life you’ve lost, but your otherworldly mind is ten steps ahead, cross referencing every action.

* The man offers a short chuckle

* “You really did a number on your hand. I’ve done what I can but...”

* You look down to your hand, half surprised by the bright yellow cast encasing it

* You had figured you would wake up to be a vampire, it just made sense, these were unfamiliar human aches to them after all and vampirism was a simple and effective cure

* They must want something from you, if they’re keeping you human

* You suspect it’s something along the lines of how they waited until Jane and Alec were burning at the stake to save them, so their power would be that much more potent

* Maybe they’re doing the opposite with you, trying to make you as happy as possible to see what effect it has on your ability

* It’s too bad you don’t have one

* “Thank you for your hard work.” You mumble, being human for a little bit longer is well worth the pain.

* “How did you break your hand?”

* “I held Janes’ hand”

* Your doctor let’s out a short laugh

* “That sounds about right”

* You smile, it does sound right, of course you would break your hand that way

* The conversation flows naturally after that, you talk about all sorts of things

* “You think vampires have souls?” He quirks an eyebrow

* “I’m of the opinion that a soul is something you create through hardship and struggle, being able to live longer means that you have more opportunities to have the experiences that result in a soul”

* “That’s an intriguing notion, I wish I had brought my son with me.”

* You’re about to ask about his son, when you’re interrupted by the door swimming open

* “I heard you were awake, are you alright?” Alec rushes in, his eyes frantic

* “Yeah these drugs are top notch” you press the button that releases the pain killers and let out a giggle

* “Is that alright? Humans are awfully sensitive.” Jane pipes up from behind Alec, you hadn’t noticed her in your haze.

* Your doctor chuckles

* “I’m aware,” he’s smiling but it’s strained

* “What’s wrong?” You ask, he was so calm until a second ago, he doesn’t answer you

* “I’ll give you three a moment.”

* You only register he’s gone when you hear the door close

* The twins rush over to you, Jane is kneeled by your side, while Alec hovers over you

* “I-I’m sorry I hurt you, I forgot-I didn’t remember.” You we’re sure Jane would be crying if she could

* “It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it.” You raise your cast encased hand and give her a gentle pat on the head. “From now on, physical signs of affection will just be one sided.” You joke, which makes Jane grin

* “I’ll practice with some animals before I try touching you again”

* The three of you chat for a bit, they’re both surprised by your cast and ask several questions about its “primary function”

* “I didn’t know there was a doctor here” you murmur, feeling drowsy

* “Carlisle’s not with the Volturi, he’s from another coven in the new world.”

* Your drowsiness flies away in a second

* “That was Carlisle?”

* Jane looks somewhat confused but nods.

* A flutter of hope erupts in your chest, it’s so strong even your grief stricken body feels it

* You might have a chance. It’s slim, Carlisle has a family he loves and needs to protect. But still, they were strangers once too. No different than you.

* It’s a way out of here

* The next few days follow in a drugged haze, Alec and Jane visit every so often, and Carlisle engages you in occasional conversation while checking progress on your hand

* “Why are your eyes gold?” You know, but well, you need him to believe the lie

* “It’s a bit of a long story” he says with a wary smile.

* “I’m not going anywhere”

* He sighs, a genuine smile encompassing his face as he recounts the tale.

* Even though you’ve already heard it all before, it still makes you cry

* Even in the haze, you know something’s.... off

* There’s something about the way Alec won’t meet your eyes when he talks to you, and the uneasy weight that lingers in the air whenever someone else is in the room

* On the third day, it’s Aro who visits you, Alec and Carlisle in tow behind him.

* “Oh my, all that internal bleeding, how awful”

* Even you can feel the insincerity, but it’s the first you heard about internal bleeding

* So that explains it, the drugs and the aches all along your body, it wasn’t just your hand, you were dying

* “Don’t worry, we’ll save you” Aro’s smile is cruel “won’t we Alec?”

* Alec looks afraid, almost pained, but he nods

* Ah, so this was punishment for Alec too. Until that moment, when Jane broke your hand, Aro must have been ignorant to how close the three of you had gotten.

* You close your eyes, you knew this would happen eventually. There were only two ending to this story, and it seemed one had finally been picked

* You feel a pinch on your neck, right above your collar bone, no worse than a flue shot.

* You wait for the pain, the vivid screams you remember from the books and movies, but it never comes.

* Instead it’s just a warm numbness that spreads across your neck and left shoulder.

* “It doesn’t hurt” you murmur, you feel a cold hand rest against your forehead, Alex’s hand.

* It’s so gentle, he must have practiced on some animals first, you think.

* “No the pain comes later.”

* And so you drift into inky black unconsciousness, the last sleep of your human life in this world.

* You dream that you’re sitting at the bottom of a tree, a fig tree, like the one Sylvia Plath wrote about

* Each fig a different path, half of them have already fallen off, dark, as they rot at your feet

* “How do you do it?”

* You look to your side and find the person who’s face you see in the mirror, they’re hugging their knees to their chest, dark circles under their eyes

* “How do I do what?” You ask, they bite their lip

* “How can you be so strong when you’ve just lost everything?”

* You see their eyes brim with tears, and you look away, to the tree that looks over you both

* “I don’t know” It’s the truth, you have an unfair advantage in this world, because you know all the secrets each person carries, while yours remain shrouded in darkness. And yet... it’s not why you persevere

* “All I do know, is that I want to give them hell”

* Your counterpart grins at that, and to your surprise, you feel a smile stretch out across your face

* Yeah, it’s not about power, you just want raise some hell in this backwards misogynistic world.

* “I guess that’s the one you’re picking then huh?” Your counterpart points to a fig, it’s on the tallest branch of the tree, so far out of reach it almost seems unobtainable

* But you only nod

* “Yeah, I think that’s the way I’m going to go”

* They look at you and smile.

* “If you ever get the chance, I hope you punch that jerk Aro right in the face”

* You laugh.

* When you finally awake, you’re still laughing. A smile etched onto your face.

* Everyone’s there, all looking at you with concerned glances.

* Yeah, you’re going to have a lot of fun in this world.

#twilight #twilight saga #twilight imagine #twilight headcanon #Volturi headcanon #Alec imagine #edward cullen imagine #carlisle cullen #superhero--imagines

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

So... I have a lot of thoughts on the finale. I've deliberately kept my mouth shut, more or less, on the campaign overall because I'm a firm believer that you can't pass judgement -- at least not complete judgement -- on stories until they're over and done with.

Well, it's done! Kind of crazy. I've been watching Critical Role with almost insane consistency, viewing almost every single episode live, with maybe five-ish exceptions, since episode 19, and I've been blogging it for, what, two and a half years?

It's a weird feeling. It's been such a constant thing for me that I'm always gonna have love for it and remember with a lot of fondness.

...Which is in spite of the fact that I can now comfortably say I'm pretty eh on the ending. I know not being positive about something most of us have loved a lot for a very long time can sting a bit, but I personally think it also stings when people relentlessly crow over how good they think it is or want it to be, to the point where you feel you can't voice your absolutely valid upsets or dissatisfactions. So, here goes, if anyone's interested! I'd be curious to see other opinions, too!

I actually drafted a post talking about my overall frustrations with the campaign a whole two weeks ago, and then scrapped most of it when 140 blew me out of the water. I was really touched, and really happy. I hadn't expected it, but it shockingly felt right, you know?

Unfortunately 141 robbed me of most of that satisfaction and brought me right back to neutral.

The blanket statement you have to make, of course, is that you can’t criticise this as a DnD game, and you can’t be mad at the cast for playing it in a way they think is best for them. They’re the players, Matt’s the DM, and in the end it makes no sense for them to try to make themselves act how they think the audience wants them to, and I’m sure most of the audience wouldn’t like the result anyway.

That said, there is an audience. And that’s where I see this clash coming in. As a DnD game, as long as the players and DM have all enjoyed it and been satisfied, it’s a successful game! But for us, it’s not a DnD game. For us, we’re watching a story be written in real time through the medium of an RPG. And while as a DnD game you can’t fault it, as a piece of media, I completely get why the way things have gone has sat weirdly for a lot of people.

It's not satisfying to see so many character hooks dealt with so quickly or left as an offscreen "and then you do it." If they don't want to keep playing to dive into it, absolutely, but for us who have been watching this as a story with all these character elements get so built up, it's a huge anti-climax.

Which is a lot of what this campaign has been, really.

Oh, Nott’s cursed! But through a really cool character moment that problem is completely taken care of with no consequences we see. Yay, I want her to be Veth and that was an iconic move from Jester! Still, it kind of feels like this was built up to be a big problem and at the first success it was let go... Caleb's got a really intense frightening past he tries to hide, I wonder how the Mighty Nein will respond? Oh, they found out, but it's not a difficult revelation for anyone. Looks like it's easy for them to move past it and forgive. Yeah, that's healthiest for the characters, but huh, kinda undercuts it as a storyline or point of interest. Oooh, Avantika’s back! Ah, they’ve killed her and grabbed the eye again. I mean I don’t want them to die or for Uk’otoa to be free, but I’m starting to feel like that’s not much of a threat anyway. The Traveler’s been kidnapped! Nah he hasn’t, he tried to save Jester so he was let go with no further issue, and also he wasn’t actually in any danger anyway. Oh... Cool. So... Why should I care or be worried?

And these are just the biggest ones I remember being kind of let down by. I wanted to see them STRUGGLE for the successes to have meaning. To my view, threats of failure -- real failure -- really decreased the more the campaign went on, with a few exceptions.

Because don't get me wrong, we've definitely had struggles, and those have made for some of the best moments! Molly’s death, Yasha’s kidnapping, Yeza’s imprisonment. When failures that were threatened are allowed to occur, it’s far more gratifying when it’s followed by success, because you understand that that success was actually necessary. It shows us that what they do really means something.

Honestly, that's why the final battle really shut me up, because nothing makes you quite feel stakes and failure like having two PCs die, and having a resurrection ritual fail -- AND knowing that failure would be delivered on, had it not been for a seemingly miraculous roll of the dice to turn it around. One of the greatest failure's -- Molly's death -- made the success of his resurrection put a lot of my other issues to rest immediately, because to be honest? Molly's resurrection was the biggest success of the campaign, exactly because it was originally the biggest failure.

But this episode, we got to see the other side of making threats and successes feel disappointing -- when you get the impression that success was robbed from you. Again, their characters, their choices, but to have them roll an intervention to get Molly's soul, to convince Molly to come back with his own possessions they've so loved, after so long and so many struggles... only to apparently not get Molly at all?

Changed, of course. Memories, maybe he'd never get them back, though that seems inconsistent to how the initial resurrection was played and Matt's hints. It even makes sense that not having his memories and being a bit different, he might forge a new identity, but insisting Molly was a different person entirely after such a supposed hard won success to get Molly back, especially after what his death meant to the audience and potentially healing that old wound? It robs the narrative of a LOT of catharsis, at least for me and I know many others.

Trent, too, I'm very up and down on. He was so built up -- and what fun that build up had -- and I very much disagreed with the idea that the best story would be dealing with him offscreen.

It's true that you don’t need to explicitly address, confront, or explore every big aspect of character's story hooks and background ties for PCs to move past them and grow healthily. But that does not make it a satisfying viewing experience. People quietly healing in real life is healthy. People quietly healing in an explosive fantasy setting is frustrating for the audience.

What on earth is the point of a story if you don’t get to SEE THE ESTABLISHED CONFLICTS go anywhere? A lot of the characters got distant, quiet resolutions, if that, to everything we wanted to see.

Except, we did get to see Trent. It was a really fun, inventive battle, from opening to conclusion, but much like Travelercon, much like Nott's/Veth's problem with the hag, these were things that the audience in general wanted to see be really dug into and explored, and every single one of them got, in my opinion, quickly tidied up instead. Trent got beaten in the first and only proper battle they had with him, which, after all his build up, is pretty disappointing for a villain many of us wanted to see be a big deal. It really just felt like they were trying to tidy up to get on with the epilogue, which is not what a lot of us were looking for with Trent especially.

And that's how most of their endings felt to me. It didn't feel like any of them had reached a comfortable conclusion. Literally all of them, bar Veth and Caduceus, continued on their character journey threads, without each other and very quickly. Meeting Yasha's tribe and Vandran, Caleb finally openly debating changing time for his parents, Trent and Zeenoth's trials and the changing of the guard at the Assembly... All were things it would have been so fun to have all the PCs react to and explore together, and instead they were fleeting encounters in the latter half of a seven hour finale.

Is all this, from Molly not really coming back to Trent being a finale side plot to the Nein continuing on their individual journeys, potentially realistic to how these fantastical things might go down in real life? Sure! But that's not necessarily a good thing.

Stories THRIVE on conflict and resolution. That’s what makes them FUN! Conflict isn’t nearly so fun in real life and resolutions are often frustrating question marks, so no, past a certain point I don’t WANT stories to be realistic. I want stories to be SATISFYING.

And campaign 2 has fallen far short of the mark.

I haven’t spoken... Basically a word of this for most of the campaign, because as I said I’m a firm believer that you can’t necessarily judge something until it’s over, and because I ALSO firmly believe that being negative WHILE trying to enjoy something is counterproductive. I have had no interest in spoiling or naysaying the fun of the campaign for anyone, least of all myself.

But it's done now, and all I can say is... I really have had fun. I love the characters. I love their relationships. I’m pretty okay with where they’ve ended up. I’m not mad, really, and I’m still going to think of this campaign with a lot of affection. But it hasn’t been a satisfying story, even though for a week following episode 140 I thought, despite all the brushed over story threads, it might be.

So... to try and reclaim some of that satisfaction for myself, I might ignore some aspects of the finale proper. Namely Kingsley specifically. Taliesin's choice -- but to me, it's pretty clear that who we saw at the end of 140 was Molly, and the tags on my posts will reflect that, just as my 141 tags will be for both Kingsley and Molly, for clarity's sake. I personally want to believe Molly did come back, however others might want to interpret it. The victory in 140 that meant so much to me is hollow otherwise, and it just kind of hurts that we would lose Molly after everything. I was okay with him being dead -- I'm not so okay with his resurrection being stolen.

Kingsley will always be canon, but Molly is what I choose to acknowledge. I get if you don't like that take, and that's okay! I didn't care for canon's in the end. That's the good thing about storytelling, is that no one can stop you from making your own versions.

For the people who are hopefully hyped for campaign 3, heck yeah have fun! I’m on the fence. My investment, which... I think I can objectively say was pretty substantive as this blog will attest, doesn't feel rewarded, so I’m not convinced I can faithfully keep up for over three years all over again with a strong possibility that I will once again be left disappointed. It's been a huge chunk of my life, and... yeah!

I’ll take a break, probably, view (and liveblog, if people want!) campaign 1 when I’ve had a mental stretch and vacation, and then... I might start campaign 3. I definitely won’t be able to put the same time in it I did campaign 2 (my first love no matter what), knowing that it’s likely to not be so vindicated, in the end.

I swear I’m actually writing this in fairly good humour, but I totally get its always disappointing when the people you come to for fandom enjoyment just aren't sharing your fun. Honestly I’m half tempted to write all those frigging AUs I have sitting around! But I wanted to say my piece, and try and logically outline why this ending has been lacklustre for so many people, ultimately myself included.

Episode 140 felt right because it felt like a natural conclusion -- these disparate people coming together and finally being whole, finally soothing the hurt that MADE them so long ago. Episode 141 spat on that sentiment -- they all scattered to the winds, not as happy people to live out their dreams, but as confused people chasing up loose threads towards an unknown future, with the friend they thought returned still lost to them, ultimately.

It doesn't feel like the ending we should have gotten for the Mighty Nine, who were finally, finally all together. Until they weren't. So to me? I choose to acknowledge that they were, even if I have to force it to happen post-epilogue in my head.

#critical role #cr spoilers #c2e141 #c2e140 #ramblings #long post #first time i've used that tag but i figure people should be able to block this if they want to! #molly #kingsley #trent ikithon #the mighty nein

[tunsieblue]

5 years later

Well...it has almost been 5 years maybe give it a few months since I last spoke to you two but it has been exactly 5 years since my life went through hell and back both mentally and physically. I’m doing pretty well now thats for sure. I did move on and I’ll admit at first I was a very aggressive and bitter person with intense political views and the fact that I was going through all that during the election didnt help either. I even distanced myself from socializing with anyone for a while because of the situation, especially after being confronted, it made me feel like I’d endanger others. It took alot of courage for me to even meet new ppl and talk to them in dms. I met new mutuals, new friend groups, interests changed, moved onto the next group and repeat. Now I genuinely found a group I can call home. Hell I even found someone who finally understands me and we’ve definitely been together alot longer that I thought you two would last. Sorry for sounding cocky but honestly I wouldn’t have gotten to where I was if I didn’t learn from my mistakes and very bad ones at that. Ones that definitely dont get happy endings to ppl who usually pull stupid shit like I did. Can you imagine if we did what we did now with all the callout culture ppl enjoy gossiping about nowadays? Dude kids have gotten so cruel these days I genuinely think I would’ve successfully commited suicide if that happened. Doesn’t mean I didn’t attempt before I mean like I said before the situation affected me mentally and physically which was actually why I was at the hospital during those times. Turns out it was bad mental health and I became very underweight from it. Anyways point being I actually have planned to make this post for a few years now and It was basically to tell you both two things:

I’m sorry...and...you’re forgiven.

I know I said the first constantly to you guys and kept repeating the mistake not really acknowledging it but this is me knowing full and well what I did was the absolute worst and having full remorse for what I have done...I am genuinely and truly sorry for the harassment I have caused you. Whats kinda fucked up is that its been so long I don’t remember everything I said to you guys but I remember it affecting you both greatly. Nothing I can do can make it up to you guys so I am pouring my heart out with a sincere apology this time. I really do hope that the world is doing you both well. I don’t know ur current active accs obviously but sometimes I do wonder if you figured out who and where I am now. If you do know then...guess I didnt do a good job at changing pen names. If you dont know then whether or not you’re interested in picking up the clues is up to you. I mean I didn’t want to change accs but you guys kept sending me anon messages trying to get me to talk about the situation on my blog which was wrong but I do forgive you. You guys were angry and rightfully so but at the same time there were like other and better ways you could’ve handled it. As much as I want to delv into what you guys also did was wrong...thats for you guys to think about. I’m giving you my apologies for the disgusting shit I said and did and I’m going to also forgive you for the things you did whether or not you’re going to acknowledge what you did was wrong. The only advice I can give you that helped me grow as a person is admit when you’re wrong,learn from it, grow from it. Stop victim blaming and self deprecating yourself when things do go wrong. Grow a pair and move on. I know you guys might read this when you’re bored one day and decide to snoop so heres an update im living my best. Take care you two.

#the decade is about to end so i thought #why not #alot sure does happen in 5 yrs #my gf says hi

[midnight-manifesto]

Update?

I have a few people on my dms (hey, there!) asking about my last post, so here it is:

The story of how I ended up dating my TC

(Disclaimer: I am no longer a minor, and our interactions started after I had turned 18. This blog is 100% against adult teachers interacting in a romantic way with their students.)

It all started back when I was in freshman year (I’m currently studying my senior year). There was this new young teacher in middle school everyone was talking about, there wasn’t a single girl in the school who didn’t have a crush on him. Even though he only teached to middle schoolers, the high school and collage alumni already knew about him. One day, one of our teachers was absent, so the school sent a substitute. It happened to the be young teacher everyone was talking about. Hmm, let’s call him M.

So M enters the classroom and everyone is super excited. My classmates start giggling and asking him questions. To be honest, I wasn’t interested in him at first, but he made a super goofy joke, like, DAD JOKE. The dorkiest joke you could imagine, and I just laughed and said “damn, who hurt you?”. Now, I didn’t know this at that time, but that’s when M knew we would get along and that I was (and I quote) “a cool one”.

I remember a girl asked him if he was married, and he said “Married? How old do you think I am?” while acting all offended. Everyone said he looked in his mid twenties, but he acted offended again. Anyway, this continued until the end of the class, and no one knew his age. I told him I would eventually find out, since I’m super curious and persistent. He laughed and said “Dare you to do it, small one”.

Okay, at this point I already had a huge crush on him after ONE class, but I wasn’t going to admit it. So I took his challenge and started asking around. Obviously, no one wanted to give some random student private information about her teacher, so I never found out.

He never gave me another class, and I eventually grew a crush on Chaos, but M was still on the back of my head. Eventually, the school started having all these big events, where middle school, high school, and collage could spend time together. Of course, M was always there. Sometimes we would talk for a bit, and his age would come up. He would mock me for not finding out and that would be it. We were not close, but we kept bumping into each other at the schools events.

The last time I saw him while he was still teaching there, it was December. We had this huge rally at my school and my group was in charge of everything. I was super tired and sweaty because we had to play games with the middle schoolers the entire day, and I still had to take care of security in the closure of the event, so I was in a bit of a mood. Last team gets to my station, and I’m in charge of throwing water balloons at the kids if they get a wrong answer, so I go stand in the back of the crowd. Someone is standing next to me... of course, it was M. I can’t quite remember what we talked about, but I was teasing him about throwing a water balloon at him, and he was just smiling and saying “No, you wont”. The game ends, and I grab the bucket of water balloons, that was already empty, but still had water of the balloons that broke inside. I threw the water at him. He got a bit wet and started laughing and cursing me while they left.

Months after that, I was scrolling through FaceBook, which I never do, but it was April and I was just sick of the quarantine already (stupid me). So I was doing that, when I stumbled across a certain profile. It said M’s name, so I sent him a friend request, because... why not? At this point, I was already trying to get over Chaos and I had totally forgotten about my crush on M (except for the times I saw him during events, then, the crush would punch me in the face again and stay there a couple of days) , so I wasn’t trying to make a move on him or anything, also: I thought he was still teaching at the middle school. I didn’t even think he would accept it, but he did almost immediately. And he also sent me a private message. We started some small talk about how quarantine sucked, but he said he was actually enjoying it. After that, and kinda out of nowhere, we started texting daily.

Eventually, we started calling. He told me the story of how he got fired from my school on January, one month after the last time we had seen each other. So, at this point we were already flirting a bit, but not too much. I had just broken up with my ex (the guy who was friends with Chaos) and I didn’t want to rush into anything. Also, I didn’t know if he was comfortable with it.

LET ME CLARIFY: I’m eighteen, which means I’m a legal adult and above the age of consent in my country. Also, he was no longer my teacher. Okay, moving on...

Anyway, we met in person and that was when he looked at me with wide opened eyes, and said: “Wait... you’re the small one who failed my challenge...”. So, I was hella confused because I thought he already knew that and that’s why he had texted me in the first place. Well, turns out he thought I was pretty and looked intimidating, so he took his chances (his words, not mine.). He eventually figured out I was one of his former students (even though he only gave me ONE class in the entirety of his four years working there), but he didn’t know exactly who.

We laughed it off, and continued with the evening... And now we’ve been a couple for almost a month. He’s amazingly sweet and caring, he always tells me he wants something serious with me and how glad he is that we met. And I’m glad too! He’s the sweetest human on earth, and he’s so talented and smart! I’m genuinely happy, and I think he is too. (In case you were wondering: he started calling me “small one” again ironically, but now he uses it all the time and in the sweetest way ever.)

And that’s it! Hope you enjoyed our little story! Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll answer them if I’m comfortable. :D

#tcc #crush #tcc feelings #teachercrushcommunity #student x teacher

[pixelgrotto]

Ladies and lords of Waterdeep

From April of 2019 to June of 2020, I ran Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, a Dungeons & Dragons campaign for levels 1-5, for two groups - a party of three gals and a party of six guys. This was a tricky undertaking - mostly because as written, Dragon Heist is kind of a mess (more on that in a sec) - but also because I had to balance an adventure for two very different audiences that really only shared the commonality of being filled with D&D newbies. It was a worthwhile endeavor, though, and looking back on the experience reveals some interesting food for thought on how to remix an adventure, as well as how some ladies and gents experience roleplaying games differently. 

First, let me briefly discuss the adventure itself. Dragon Heist is meant to be an urban outing set in the Forgotten Realms metropolis of Waterdeep, which I described to my New York-dwelling players as “pretty much a fantasy version of NYC.” Over the course of five levels, players inherit and possibly renovate an old tavern, catch wind of an ancient heap of gold beneath the city and run into a bunch of important figures from Forgotten Realms history, ranging from Laeral Silverhand to Volothamp Geddarm. All of that’s epic, and the only issue is that the adventure’s laid out in a pretty shoddy way. 

There are four chapters in Dragon Heist, and the first is the only one that can be run with a minimum of hacking on the part of the Dungeon Master. The other three present a so-called “toolbox” of vague ideas for missions with Waterdeep’s various adventuring factions, as well as middling advice for scenes like a rooftop chase and a battle with a chain devil in a crypt, but it’s all highly disorganized with a minimum of connective tissue, requiring heavy lifting on the DM’s part to stitch together. The book is also rife with excessive red herrings for players to stumble upon as they search for the treasure trove, way too many characters with overly long names, and last but not least, there’s a lack of an actual “heist” in the grand finale, which is more scavenger hunt than Ocean’s Eleven. 

With all these criticisms, why did I choose to run this book for not one, but two different groups at the same time? It was largely because I’d just finished playing through Dragon Heist with my own character - a mask-wearing teenage street urchin who fancied herself a swashbuckler. I’d had a more-enjoyable-than-not time with the folks I played with, but the guy who DMed had a habit of sending us on the aforementioned red herrings for multiple sessions at a time, with nary an interesting combat encounter or social challenge in sight. I don’t really blame him for this - especially seeing at how poorly the book was laid out afterwards - but immediately after finishing, I was approached by two friend groups who wanted to try their hand at D&D, and this gave me the excuse to see if I could do a better job. 

Since I already had a clear example of which pitfalls to avoid, the version of Dragon Heist that I ran heavily remixed all of the elements in the book, with an emphasis on streamlining whenever possible and always making it feel like my players were accomplishing something. This is usually my underlying philosophy whenever I run a game, but it’s an essential strategy for newbies who might be driven off of roleplaying games altogether by bad pacing. For instance, as written, there’s an annoying series of fetch quests near the end of the story where players have to find a number of keys in order to open the hidden treasure vault. These keys are random as heck, ranging from semi-sensible McGuffins like a bronze dragon scale to bonkers junk like a ballad played by two dwarven bards and a friggin’ unicorn. This whole exercise in randomness reminded me of the worst of video game filler, and I cut it out entirely by having the son of the man who hid the treasure accompany the characters, with a drop of his blood activating the magic needed to open the vault’s doors. (This also led to an amusing situation where the guys were stuck as they ruminated on how to open the vault...until the dude playing the goliath suddenly shouted, “I GRAB RENAER’S HAND, CUT IT AND SMEAR THE BLOOD ALL OVER THE DOOR!” and I was like, “Okay. It...opens!”)

Because my players were nearly all D&D virgins, I also wanted them to get their money’s worth by encountering all four of Dragon Heist’s villains - Xanathar the beholder, the devil-worshipping Cassalanter nobles, Manshoon the cloned wizard and Jarlaxle the drow rogue. As written, Dragon Heist touts itself as highly replayable, since DMs are only supposed to choose one villain for their players to go up against. The problem is that all of the bad guys are teased on the cover, and the beginning chapters dangle most of them into the narrative with the players caught in the middle. This created a lot of confusion when I was a player, as my companions and I kept hearing about Xanathar and Manshoon...only for them to suddenly disappear halfway through as Jarlaxle took center stage as the big bad. And so, in order to circumvent this confusion and make both the boys and the girls feel like they were getting a quintessential experience with a minimum of loose ends, I threw in all the baddies. (I wasn’t the only one to do this - tabletop RPG designer Justin Alexander also recommends this approach on his blog The Alexandrian, where he offers an impressive revision of Dragon Heist that I probably would’ve used if I hadn’t discovered it too late.) 

So, when it came down to actually rolling dice, how’d my two groups interact with the material? I think it’s safe to say that both the girls and the boys hit the same major story beats and had a grand time doing so, but the nuances of their experiences were fascinatingly different. The girls, for instance, dove into the art of roleplaying and devising histories for their characters, and one of them decided to play as an elf from a seafaring clan and gave me a whole backstory involving the ocean that inspired my “final boss” for Dragon Heist, an evil, decaying dragon from the Elemental Plane of Water that isn’t in the book. (Hey, it’s called Dungeons & Dragons, the story’s named Dragon Heist, and since I wasn’t sure if all of my players would stick around for future campaigns, I figured I’d better stick a notable battle with a big scaly lizard in there somewhere.) 

The girls also got way more into some of the social justice subplots that permeated my version of Dragon Heist, pushing hard for Waterdeep to remove the anti-dragon magic bubble that surrounded the city and excluded an entire species from its borders. Their interactions with non-player characters - often progressing along the lines of “well, if you feel like you want us to do this quest for you, then we certainly can” - reflected this sort of empathy, and even though this sounds incredibly stereotypical, by the time the final session wrapped up, all three of the gals had either shipped or flirted with NPCs that they’d encountered during their journey. One of ‘em even ended up hitched with a baby!

The boys, by contrast, were much less likely to devise in-depth character histories beyond “I’M IN THIS CITY TO GET MY MONEY,” and their NPC conversations also frequently waded into “GIMME MY GOLD” territory. I don’t want to make it sound like their characters were just two dimensional mercenaries, though, because definite, organic progression occurred over the course of the campaign - the goliath who couldn’t read gradually worked his way through Volo’s Guide to Monsters and became fluent in Celestial after joining the Order of the Gauntlet, for instance.

Where the boys clearly felt more at home than the girls was in combat, probably because 1) there were six of them as opposed to the three ladies, and 2) they collectively had lots of video game knowledge, and D&D’s influence has kinda trickled down to every video game ever made. It didn’t take long for some of the dudes to begin subconsciously min/maxing their characters, and while there were two major deaths in unpredictable boss fights, the boys did go through a long period where they were just steamrolling everything to come their way and yelling, “LET’S FUCKIN’ GOOOO” as they did so. In contrast, DMing for the girls during combat sequences was occasionally a nail-biting experience where I didn’t know who was going to survive, and since some of this was due to my own slapdash encounter design where I underestimated the abilities of the monsters they were up against, I made sure to give them lots of friendly NPCs who could potentially offer a helping hand, or even resurrection spells if needed. 

Both groups were aware of the other’s existence, and I’d sometimes playfully pit them against one another. (Example: The guys often forgot who was who, and one time one of ‘em looked down at his character sheet and was like, “MY NOTES ARE SUCH SHIT” which made me respond, “Well, y’know the girls take really good notes...”) But at the end of the campaign, when my players asked me which party was more fun to DM for, my answer was that both groups were great. The girls were bursting with imaginative roleplay, and they gave me real moments of glee as they responded to story twists with the legitimate surprise and wonder that comes from people who aren’t already overexposed to fantasy tropes and gaming culture. The boys gave me that feeling of what some fans affectionately call “beer & pretzels D&D,” where you’re shooting the breeze with your buddies, playfully teasing each other and going for broke in combat encounters. 

I want to stress that the ladies I DMed for were absolutely not representative of how all women might approach D&D, and the exact same thing must be said for the fellas. This was no planned sociology or gender studies experiment that I conducted, in other words - it was merely a thing that I did with two friend groups, and the resulting experiences were two opposite yet totally valid sides of the same RPG coin. And while I doubt that I’ll run the same campaign in the future for two different groups at once (let alone a campaign as wonky as Dragon Heist), I like to think that as someone who tries to advocate for how roleplaying games can be fun, welcoming experiences for all, I played a small role (hah) in bringing swords, sorcery and storytelling to the lives of people who might not have experienced such imaginative forays otherwise. 

Already, both the gals and the guys are whipping up ideas for future characters and checking out stuff like Critical Role...which means that my work here, at least for the moment, is done. 

#pixel grotto #musings #tabletop gaming #dungeons & dragons #d&d #waterdeep: dragon heist

[hermanwatts]

Sensor Sweep: Wulfhere, Monster Manual, Heroism, Howard A. Jones

Heroism (Rogue Blades Entertainment): “The heroic books, even if printed in the character of our mother tongue, will always be in a language dead to degenerate times …” Henry David Thoreau wrote those words in the mid-19th Century for his distinguished book, Walden. They rang true then and they ring true today. Of course there will be those who say we do not live in degenerate times, that we live in the greatest of all ages, that our technological and social achievements are pressing us towards some utopia, but those who are true students of history and have open eyes might argue otherwise, or at least they might hold more than a little skepticism about the potential greatness of the immediate future.

Fantasy (Tor.com): Here’s a funny thing about “action reads:” a lot of people would equate that to mean a whole lot of running and chasing and swordplay. They wouldn’t be wrong, of course, but all the physical action in the world can’t liven up a bland tale, or make boring characters interesting, and there’s actually plenty of forward momentum and tension to be had in some fantasy adventure stories without the more obvious blood-letting. And then of course there’s lyrical prose. Me, I prefer to see my action with great characters and some lovely writing, and today I’m going to share a few favorites that deliver all those things.

Writers (Slate.com): Three years ago, over breakfast, my friend Helen handed me a novel about a quest that, unknown to both of us, would set me off on a quest of my own. The book was called The Dragon Waiting, and it was written by the late science fiction and fantasy author John M. Ford. Helen placed the mass-market paperback with its garish cover in my hands, her eyes aglow with evangelical fervor, telling me I would love it. I would soon learn that, owing to Ford’s obscurity, his fans do things like this all the time. Soon, I would become one of them.

Writers (The Nerd Daily): In this sequel to For the Killing of Kings, Howard Andrew Jones returns to the ring-sworn champions of the Altenerai in Upon the Flight of the Queen to continue this thrilling, imaginative and immersive epic fantasy trilogy.

We had the pleasure of chatting to author Howard Andrew Jones about his upcoming fantasy sequel Upon the Flight of the Queen, which publishes on November 19th from St. Martin’s Press. Howard talks about what readers can expect and the challenges he faced, the inspiration behind the trilogy, what’s next for him, and more!

Genre Fiction (Dark Worlds Quarterly): There are those Fantasy writers and critics that accuse Robert E. Howard’s Conan of lacking any depth because he just hacks his way out of trouble. In fact, I think it was Robert Bloch in his intro to Wolfshead (Bantam Books, 1979) who said it, qualifying his words with the fact that he preferred Howard’s subtler characters such as Kull or Bran Mak Morn. I would hate to disagree with such a wonderful writer as Bob Bloch but I think he kinda missed the point. We want to see Conan hack his way out. Just as people pay gobs of money to be ringside at a boxing match.

Subculture (Amatopia): But if you show up humble and willing to learn, and don’t lie about knowing stuff about the subculture, you’ll find you have a whole bunch of cool new friends eager to help ease you in. At the very least, the people in the subculture will respect you, even if they may resent your intrusion. In time, you learn to be a part of the crew.

Fantasy (Matthew J. Constantine): The first novel in the Prydain Chronicles, The Book of Three introduces us to Taran the assistant pig-keeper, Hen Wen the pig, Gurgi the…um…wildman?, and the rest, as well as the Welsh inspired land of Prydain.  The book drips with a sort of gauze filtered, dreamy Fantasy in a similar vein to Tolkien’s Shire, particularly from The Hobbit. Reading the book, I kept thinking it would have fit as a comic strip in the tradition of Prince Valiant.  It also has a lot that could translate well into an animated film or potentially a live action film these days.

D&D (Skulls in the Stars): Die, Vecna, Die! (2000), by Bruce R. Cordell and Steve Miller. This module has the curious distinction of being perhaps the last “old school” adventure ever published! Die, Vecna, Die! was one of two mind-bogglingly epic adventures released with universe-spanning ramifications, allowing DMs to have a reason for transitioning from 2nd edition AD&D to Wizards of the Coast 3rd edition D&D. The other is The Apocalypse Stone (2000).

Fiction (DMR Books): Next week DMR Books will make our first foray into historical adventure fiction with the first book publication of Wulfhere by A.B. Higginson! Wulfhere, Higginson’s only novel, was originally serialized in Adventure magazine in 1920. In the Dark Ages of England, kingdoms were ready to be carved out by any with the ambition and might to do so. The mightiest ruler of all was Penda, Lord of Mercia, a man as strong as he was ruthless. He had no equal in martial prowess, except for his son Wulfhere…

Tolkien (Alas Not Me): Crucial to the tale of Eärendil the Mariner is his ship, Vingelot or Vingelótë, without which Eärendil would have been stuck in a port on a western bay where lonely sailors pass the time away talking about their homes. The name Vingelot gives us a tantalizing and frustrating example of how very easily stories can be lost, likely forever.

Writers (Mystery File):  Over the course of his writing career, Clark Howard may have written over 200 short stories, not all of them criminous in nature, plus a couple dozen crime novels and collections. This does not include an unspecified number of works of true crime the editor of EQMM mentions in her introduction to this tale.   Howard hardly ever used a character more than once, and “Blues in the Kabul Night” is no exception. When mercenary for hire Morgan Tenny smuggles himself into war-ravaged Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan, it is for a specific reason. His twin brother is in a high security prison there and scheduled for execution soon, unless Morgan can do something about it.

RPG (Brain Leakage): As I mentioned a few weeks back, I’ve been at work on an Appendix N inspired science fantasy series, one that envisions what D&D fiction might have looked like if it followed the wilder literary roots of the game, rather than filling in the map of TSR and WotC’s pre-fab fantasy worlds.  And while I still plan on writing that, the fact is my recent thought experiments on what Fantasy Effing Vietnam would look like have gotten a bit more attention. To the point that I’ve gotten several messages in public and in private expressing interest in a published print version.

Calendars (Mens’s Pulp Mags): Now, with Eva’s permission, we’re offering a special collectible to go with the book: the Authorized 2020 Eva Lynd Calendar. It’s a limited edition calendar featuring photographs and artwork Eva modeled for, and it’s available exclusively from me on eBay. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you probably know why Eva Lynd is so familiar to fans of the men’s adventure magazines (MAMs) published in the 1950s and 1960s.

Fiction (Sacnoth’s Scriptorium): So, I’ve been trying for a long time to find an answer to the two questions:  Did the Inklings ever read Lovecraft? And Did Lovecraft ever read the Inklings? So far as the first question goes, the answer is: still not proven. We know that Warnie Lewis was a fan of ‘scientifiction and read some of the pulp magazines like AMAZING STORIES. And THE NOTION CLUB PAPERS suggests that the Inklings were fairly conversant in science fiction. Certainly there are some echoes of Lovecraftian themes in Tolkien’s account of the Things beneath Moria, Lewis’s description of the subterranean world far beneath the surface of Venus, and especially Wms’ Cthulhesque octopoid-lords of P’o-l’u.

RPG (Walker’s Retreat): With last weekend’s Big Brand marketing event masquerading as a fan convention came the announcement–with no release date–of the fourth installment of its iconic isometric dark fantasy action RPG franchise. You know which one I’m talking about, and it’s not the MMORPG. I thought I’d take the time to give you all some alternatives that you may have overlooked or forgotten about, beside Path of Exile and adaptation of other Big Brand properties.

Art (Pulp International): Above, numerous Italian posters for 1960s and 1970s westerns. Some of these movies were true spaghetti westerns (produced in Italy and shot in Europe, often Spain), while others are U.S. productions. All the imagery is beautiful. The artists responsible include Renato Casaro, Rodolfo Gasparri, Averardo Ciriello, Aller, aka Carlo Alessandrini, et al.

Review (Hillbilly Highways): I bought Congregations of the Dead over a year ago on a bit of a lark because it was cheap.  Which isn’t to sale that it didn’t sound right up my alley.  A country noir/urban fantasy/horror mashup with significant pulp influences?  (A secondary character is named Carter DeCamp in an obvious homage to Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp and Manly Wade Wellman’s characters Silver John and John Thunstone seem obvious influences as well.)  What I didn’t realize is how damn good it would be.

D&D (The Other Side): For today’s Monstrous Monday I want to do another review. For this one, it still follows my ‘Back to Basic’ theme I have been doing all year even though it is not a Basic-era D&D book.  It is though one of my Basic era books.  The book is the Monster Manual and it was just about 40 years ago that I first held this book in my hand. This is the book. This is the book that got me into D&D and RPGs.

Warhammer (Warpscream): This book opens with a look at the bleak life of the average imperial citizen. Urinating in water recyclers on the arid world of Baal. It’s one of Guy Haley’s strengths is that he can paint such a despondent picture so rapidly to open with. The story briskly moves along as we are made aware of a dire threat to the world of the Blood Angels.

Writing (Frontier Partisans): I guess it triggered a memory of Robert E. Howard’s description of his own trip to the Carlsbad Caverns in the early 1930s. Howard is best known for his creation of the fantasy character Conan of Cimmeria — and he translated his experience in New Mexico directly into a Conan story. . . The power of the works of J.R.R. Tolkien derives in great part from his ability to evoke a landscape that is at once fantastical and real. Tolkien was profoundly affected by landscape — beloved and comfortable; awe-inspiring; terrifying and appalling.

Sensor Sweep: Wulfhere, Monster Manual, Heroism, Howard A. Jones published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/

[tothemanof-mydreams]

Hi, Josh.

Hi, Josh. I'm sure right now, you're wondering. What the hell is this? I am wondering too, like, why the hell did I do this? But I just felt like I needed to do so, so I did. Please do not feel weirded out by all this, that's what I fear the most. I'm doing this because I know one day I might regret it if I don't; future me will probably be mad at me for not taking all of these down, all the little things, through the tiniest detail, on how much you've made me happy ever since you came into my life. Yes, yes. I know it's weird. You haven't even met me. And then there's this weird girl who writes you a whole freaking blog? Yeah, I know it sounds insane because it is insane. As I type this, I haven't had the chance to meet you, still. But don't worry, I'll update you if I did. What the hell. Of course you'd know. But in any case that I let you read this without meeting you yet, that means I ran out of time. Ps. Sorry if I used some curse words. Hi, Shark. Uh-huh. You're Shark. The whole time I was telling you about him, I knew probably 97% of you was thinking that it really was you. Well congratufuckinglations, you're right. I was actually beaded with sweat and all kinds of confusion everytime I lie to you when I describe Shark. I wanted to describe you in all the words possible, all the good ways, the beautiful ways, I wanted you to know how much you fit into my ideals and that you are my living, breathing dream guy; but at the same time, I didn't want you to know I liked you then. Okay, I'll cut the crap. I'm writing this today, January 7th, 2:34am. You slept two hours ago, and we just had a wonderful conversation. For me, probably. Well, not really. But I was happy cause I talked to you, I always am happy when I do. So when I started writing this blog, I promised myself, I'd write to you everyday. I'd write everyday, talking to you or the moon or the universe, telling them how much you deserve to be loved or how much I dreamt of being loved by you. But then life has been a bitch to me. Lots of roadblocks kept slamming me in the face and it almost made me want to give up on you. Good thing I wasn't like that. (God, I hope it was a good thing.) You told me you liked Mariel. You keep telling me how amazing she is and how she already has everything you want to see in a woman. And that you sent her a letter, chocolates and flowers, telling me that you're not yet planning to court her, but you're getting there. Then you started telling me about your ex. Mystique? You kept sending me her voice messages and you tell me what you guys talk about, almost everyday. Then Xamantha went in the picture. She's my friend, don't get me wrong, and I hope this stays between us. But I was actually disappointed when I figured out that you guys were kinda like, flirting? Idk. I know you just told me earlier how your sweetness always gets associated with malice but, dude. You were favoriting her tweets, reacting hearts to her posts, sharing her posts, sending her dms, vms, videos, videocalling each other and all that. So I felt like I was out of the picture. And I felt like she was entertaining you as well, so, I just kicked myself out of this story. But that didn't end there. I just wanted to tell you that I was really crushed back on Christmas. I was sitting all night waiting for your call. Then I found out you called her first, and you didn't even reply for like half the day. You told me you ran out of battery, and yes, I believed you. But the only thing I thought back then was, the fact is: You called Xam first. You just knew her for a couple of days and we've been talking for more than a month but you thought of calling her first. But it's okay. You might be reading the previous sentences thinking I was mad, but I'm not. And that day, I knew. Yep. I was just a friend. Also, that night, I sent you a song I sang. I took all my guts and courage to send you that song, and all you said was that wasn't me, that was Xam. Could you even imagine how devastated I am when that was the first thing that came out of your mouth? Cold-blooded, man. Hours after, you sent me screenshots of you and the FA talking. Videocalling, for like 40 minutes. Then again, I knew. Maybe, you just liked a lot of girls, and it's probably normal. But I realized then and there, whatever we were doing in our conversations; sending photos, videos, songs, vms, and all that shit. That's all normal to you, and to me it wasn't. What a shame, jame. I was inspired by you back then, I admired you so fucking much. I remember starting to write this on the 1st of December. We started talking on the 19th of November. 11 days, it took you only 11 days to make me want to write a blog for you. Back then I was so mesmerized, I remember the first time you sent me a voice message. I was at work. If you didn't know, it's highly against the rules to bring phones inside work. But I do it everyday anyway, because I was talking to you. The idea of talking to you warms me up more than the possibility of me being kicked out of my job if I was caught using my phone. You sent me a voice message while I was talking to a respondent on the phone. I shivered and told my friend I had to hear it. But I couldn't take my phone out inside the floor. So the three of us went to the comfort room. And I played the audio, and after 2 seconds I was flat on the floor, screaming. Believe me or not, ask my friends; I lay on the floor giggling because it was the first time I heard your voice, well, your voice that's saying something to me. After a while, we went to the locker room. You sang three songs that night. And when I played it I was also flat on the floor, minutes after, all my weight was just into the lockers and I couldn't bear to stand. Seriously, again, ask my friends. That's why I wanted to write a blog for you. Because damn, if you had that effect on me through the power of social media's audio messaging, what more could've happened if I saw you in person. Ew, why do I sound like I'm fangirling? Okay. I'll go back to the point. As I was saying, today is the 7th of January, and just merely 3 hours earlier, you told me you were already courting her. And yesterday, you told me you liked her and that you two had finally said your mutual feelings to each other. I think my heart crumpled into little bits of pieces, that day. I'm not kidding, I actually felt physical pain. If you haven't felt that kind of emotion for a person yet, then you're lucky. Because it's not a freaking joke. It really does hurt. And it wouldn't stop hurting, not unless you stop your affection for the person- and well, I don't see that happening anytime soon. It's 3am now. An I feel a little groggy. I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm sorry. If you thought I was being a good friend, I mean, I am, I am trying my best to be a friend to you. But please do not ever think that the reason I'm always here for you is that I have other intentions? Because it's never that. I really am interested in whatever you want to tell me. Whether it's about your day in school, what made you laugh that day or how much she makes you happy. I will lend my ears any time, because your happiness means mine.