#I tend to stay away from edgy stuff because of my own depression

[xmrnothingx]

An Eldar and an Ork from Warhammer 40k

been getting into Warhammer 40k a bit recently playing Dawn of War, was in the mood to recreate this meme but with an Ork and an Eldar.

based on this meme:

#warhammer #warhammer 40k #Eldar #Ork #I'm still pretty surface level #I tend to stay away from edgy stuff because of my own depression #so I probably won't go deeper than the games I play #Orks are funny though

[13eyond13]

Well, that's the thing, he established a contrast between L and all the other characters, even though he said he could never have created the other characters either, and only said of L that he didn't feel real for him. That's why it never sat well for me, despite it being a good opinion at first glance.

And I agree. I read some similar things about both Near and Mello in the How to read while checking for that information. I'm not too surprised either about what you say about Platinum End, though I have not read it myself. I don't rely much on them either to form my opinion besides what's in the text, I agree it seems like the best choice all things considering. Like the Ryuzaki thing having to do with L and R sounding similar, I see that, but prefer to roll with Another Note here. It works wonderfully with it being Beyond Birthday's real name (I was this 👌 close to start rambling about identity again but goodness what a wonderful messy thing L has going on there). And still the washing machine bugged me, I couldn't help it. I thought for the longest time it was some kind of absurd joke headcanon popular in the DN fandom and I liked it a lot more as such xD

I don't like to dismiss completely File no. 15 though! I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion (pseudo ☕), but I love that L visits museums and likes art, and that he enjoys going to the park at times, and maybe I'm biased due to my background, but I adore and find so thought inspiring that he finished the demonstration in his first case with "Q.E.D."! The message is long again (with the new limitless asks it's easy to get carried away), but I wanted to add some positive things. I didn't mean to sound so bitter and negative in the other messages, sorry about that.

May I ask what are some of your own unpopular opinions? You don't have to reply, of course.

Oh, I didn't know the asks became limitless recently 😆 No worries, you didn't sound bitter! I tend to like being a bit critical or negative as a way of analyzing or attempting to discuss stuff honestly as well, and that's bound to happen in unpopular opinion sharing. I think it's valid to still be bothered by those things in the HTR13. I was just explaining how much I prioritize it or let it affect my feelings personally when it comes to my own interpretations of things.

Oh man, I haven't thought about my own unpopular opinions in a long time! But I think I made a list of them once in an ask I received way back in the day... I'll copy some here and then add some others, too.

I hope I don't offend anyone with these opinions, I'm not saying these are objectively true or anything but my own subjective takes, but

Some Unpopular Opinions:

-I think Misa is a worse person than Light and would rather hang out with him and be friends with him than with her. This is mostly because of how differently he acted upon losing his memories whereas she stayed almost exactly the same.

-I strongly prefer the manga to the anime because I think it's better written, more consistent, funnier, prettier, and more in-depth with all the characters and themes. I love stuff about the anime like the music, but I don't think the changes the anime made to L such as seemingly giving him regretful emotions before his death and little flashbacks to his past were automatically improvements on his manga self. I think he was far more original and complex as a character without that other stuff added in

-I LOVE LIGHT YAGAMI and can’t comprehend not loving him because he’s such a good character. Roasting him is always fun, but just straight up hating on him with no sense of humour about it is boring to me

-L is probably my all-time fave character but at the same time I think he can get a bit boring after a while if he isn’t fleshed out more in shippy fanfics and things. I love it when people give him a backstory and an interesting life in fics that go in-depth, because otherwise he can be left too much of a question mark

-Lawlight is both my favourite ship and also something I find a little overrated in the fandom at times. I think it's a really entertaining ship as an uncertain one full of tension and mind-games, but when it comes to actually putting them into a secure and loving relationship I end up getting easily bored by it

-sometimes I think Wammy's is overrated in the fandom compared to the other interesting characters and stuff in the series as well. I would love to see a little more exploration of the task force and SPK and mafia and such instead

-I think Higuchi was actually pretty nice to Misa on their date and the only thing that was awkward was that he lunged at her a little in the car when he got excited, lol

-I love Kiyomi and think it’s so silly to hate on her just because she killed Mello, he kidnapped her and made her strip at gunpoint first. I also think she gets blamed more harshly for things the guys also do sometimes, both by the characters in the story and by fans

-I don't believe Matsuda is as much of a pure cinnamon roll as some people seem to think, but he's more interesting with that darker side included in his characterization too

-I LOVE NEAR and think he’s so funny, and one of the most three-dimensional characters in the manga

-I think it was a good story choice that L died when he did and that he wasn't the final one in the warehouse showdown (though if I had only watched the anime that probably wouldn't be the case)

-I like that the story says that all the characters go to MU no matter what they do. I don't see it as just an edgy nihilistic thing which we should pretend isn't part of the story due to being too depressing to think about. In my opinion it's important to include it because it forces the audience to draw their own conclusions about the actions we see onscreen, and who we choose to sympathize with or condemn. If there was some sort of afterlife consequences based on the characters' morality it would easily become way too weirdly preachy or annoyingly nonsensical for me. And I respect how permanent the character deaths are because it would weaken the dramatic stakes and lessen the tension a lot if characters could arbitrarily come back from the dead

#l lawliet #light yagami #near #mello #kiyomi #higuchi #matsuda #lawlight #ask #anon #p #thx! #send me a ☕ plus your popular or unpopular opinion #omg i had it saying minigames instead of mind games for so long hahaha #i love lawlight when it's like mario party...

[bazzybelle]

Carry On Countdown - Day Seven

Notes: Right... confession time.. So, I posted this fic yesterday... But, I’ve been having a really difficult mental health week (lots of self-doubt, self-isolation, and weeping) and it all came to a head last night when I spiraled and deleted this story (my depression/anxiety/Imposter Syndrome demon caught up to me, I guess). I was also close to deleting all my other fics and potentially closing my account, but @fight-surrender and my amazing husband talked me down from the ledge so to speak. It was actually their support, along with the amazing kindness of @giishu that convinced me to repost my story... so here it is. 

Lyrics are inspired by “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. However, I was inspired by the version from “Across The Universe”, sung by T.V. Carpio (Such a great movie and soundtrack). 

Thank you to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for their writing support and amazing beta-reads. 

Also, this is the last story until the Angst prompt... I’m also gonna take it easy with my writing. Going back into it after 8 years of numbness and denying my passion hasn’t been easy and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. I have so many ideas, but I want to feel well enough in my head to be able to write them properly (in case you haven’t noticed, I like writing about healing and hopeful futures... kinda hard to do that if you’re spiraling). I’ve got a few more stories already prepared for the Countdown, but I’m not making any promises on writing for other prompts. 

TW: Extremely minimal (like blink and you’ll miss it) reference to drugs.

Day 7 Prompt: WLW

Title: I Wanna Hold Your Hand

________________________________________________________________

Please, say to me, you’ll let me hold your hand. Now, let me hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand. 

FIONA

The music here is bloody terrible.

So’s the alcohol. But what else can I expect from a dingy little pub in this dodgy area of the city? Besides, it isn’t the alcohol I’m here for, which is a shock, considering how much of it I drink. 

Nor am I here for this horrid music. I look at the stage and a skinny little whelp is crooning a pathetic rendition of a Pink Floyd song. Kid can’t be older than 18, of course he’s singing a Floyd song. I swear, you  listen to Dark Side of The Moon one time, and suddenly you think you know everything there is to know about music. 

Good Lord… he’s doing a Floyd medley. News flash, boyo, you cannot transition from Wish You Were Here to Another Brick in The Wall without raising a few eyebrows. 

He isn’t a bad looking bloke though. Shaggy brown hair, styled so it’s away from his eyes. He’s got a bit of a long, oval-shaped face, a little gaunt, but not too much. He reminds me of someone… Ah… George Harrison! He’s got a bit of a George Harrison vibe, I reckon. A part of me wants to snap a photo of him and ask Baz if he’d fancy him, but the last time I did that, he chewed my ear off for a week. 

Dramatic little shit. I’m only trying to help. He’s so edgy all the time. Baz is about to head into his final year at Watford and honestly, he needs to let loose and have a little fun, before the pressures of being a Pitch crushes him…

Maybe I’m being the dramatic shit...

I leave George Harrison to his crooning (Christ, he’s moved onto Money. Does he only know the popular Floyd songs? Tosser), and direct myself to the bar. The person I’m here to see greets me with a wide, toothy smile. 

“Well well, look who it is. How are you, love?” bellows Shannon Ryan (Shan for short). Shan is the annoyingly vivacious proprietor of the Golden Griffin Pub and Inn. She is all hair (bright, thick, ginger-red, with a generous amount of blond and strawberry-blond highlights, that falls in tight ringlets down her back) and little to no filter. She’s the kind of person that can decide in an instant if she’ll offer you a free pint, or if she’ll drag your sorry arse onto the curb. Most of the time, she’ll offer you the pint and a wink of her dark brown eyes. 

I give her a half smile and take a seat in front of her. Shan pours me a glass of Chivas (Bless her, she knows I love the stuff) and leans her elbows on the counter. I salute her and nod at George Harrison.

“Heads up Shan, if your lad starts playing Comfortably Numb, I may have to murder him with his own guitar.”

Shan playfully punches my shoulder. Normally, I’d retaliate with a knife to the throat, but I’m not nearly so… angry when Shan’s around. I can relax around her and allow myself to be a little playful. 

“Aw, come on now Prue, Mickey’s not that bad. A little rough around the edg-” She starts to laugh, because George Harrison’s begun to sing Comfortably Numb and I begin to crack my knuckles. Shan grabs my hands and gives them a pat. “Alright, very rough around the edges, but he’s a sweet kid.”

I met Shannon about 4 months ago. It was during one of my lower points. I had been on a wild bender, drinking, smoking up, everything. At some point, I lost all recollection of where I was and what was happening. I still don’t know how long I’d been out of my mind at that point, but I somehow ended up at Shan’s pub, trashed out and rambling nonsense. Shan took one look at me and she decided that she would give me a room and a bed, instead of throwing me out (a horrible decision, really). I woke up in an unknown room, in an unknown bed with her knocking on the door. 

I nearly killed her. 

Shan managed to calm me down and gave me some breakfast. Fat greasy bangers, perfectly poached eggs, fried tomatoes and back bacon. She had informed me that I had been out for quite a while. I remember feeling like a numpty had taken a beating to my head. She had offered to let me stay there so that I could recover from whatever was causing me distress. Instead of taking the hint and staying there, I gathered my belongings while she was gone and slipped out. That would have been the end of it, but I had returned a few days later to pay for my room and board. Shan refused to take my money, and instead asked that I pay her back by coming to see her from time to time. Originally, I was only supposed to come see her until the end of the month… But here we are, four months later and I still find myself wanting to come see her. 

Shan doesn’t know my real name (She knows me by my middle name, Prudence… I swear my family gets its kicks from naming their offspring ridiculous names), nor that I am a magician from a long line of magical aristocracy. She does not know that I am embroiled in the middle of a war that threatens to rip my world and my family apart. Maybe that sense of escapism is why I keep coming back here, why I keep flirting with this Normal pub owner. 

I turn back to her now. She is cleaning some of the dirty glasses that have been left on the bar counter. It’s a quiet evening tonight, not many patrons at the pub. Shan’s pub can gain a small gathering during the weekends, mostly young folks out on a crawl. Some tend to stay here on account of the atmosphere, and Shan’s personality. Tonight’s one of the quieter nights. I blame George Harrison mucking it up on the microphone.  

“Where do you find these characters, Shan?”

“Beats me. They sometimes just show up needing a spot. Mick’s been tossed out from his home, poor child. I give him a room, he works the bar. It all works out.”

Shan sometimes uses her rooms to shelter people who may need a place to stay. I wasn’t a special case for her. Any misfit or vagabond has a place to stay at Shan’s. I suppose that explains George Harrison, who has just finished his set and has exited the stage, thank Merlin for that. She’s now turned on her online music playlist, an eclectic mix of punk, classic rock, and current indie songs. It makes no bloody sense, but the patrons aren’t mad about it. 

“You’re too generous Shan.” She rolls her eyes and proceeds to serve some other patrons who have been waiting for her. Once George Harrison arrives behind the counter, she sends him off to prepare orders while she turns back to me. 

“And you, my dear friend, are far too cold. What brings you here tonight? Chasing one of your hoodlums, again?”

With the war brewing between the Old Families and the Mage, I have been tracking down members of the magical community who have been shunned and cast away by the Mage and his reforms. The Old Families believed that we could find some support amongst the masses who’ve been mistreated by Davy and his band of Merry Men. If I’m in the area, I’ll stop by the pub for a quick drink and a chat. 

Like I said, it’s been happening more often than not. 

Today is different. I am not here because I’m in the area. I felt the need to be here. Maybe it’s the bitter heat of August in London; Or maybe it’s the fact that it’s August 13th, the thirteenth anniversary (plus a day) of my sister’s death that brings me here. Normally, I’d be home, drinking myself into a stupor until enough time has passed where I don’t feel the grief anymore. I never allow myself to drink on the actual day of her death, because I’m too busy spending the day with Basil and Malcolm (Basil mostly), making sure that they’ve kept their heads in one place. I look out for my nephew first and once the day has passed, I go home and begin my process of drinking and mourning.

For some reason, I didn’t want to be home alone today. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt I needed to be here, at Shan’s pub. But I’ll never tell her that. So instead I put on my classic Pitch smooth face and smile slyly at her. 

“Who says I need a reason to be here? Maybe I just decided to come over.” Shan rolls her eyes at me. She faces me and leans over the counter, inches from my face. I have to look away, in case she notices the small blush creeping over my cheeks. I take another sip of my Chivas before looking at her once more. I tilt my head at her and smile. She places her hand on mine and pushes it down, until the glass is back on the counter.

“You’ve always got a reason, Prue. You don’t allow yourself to do anything simply because you want to.” Now, I roll my eyes at her. I down the remainder of my Chivas and slam the glass back down on the counter. I cross my arms over my chest and pull myself back from the counter. 

“Oh? And what exactly do I want?”

Shan also steps back from the counter. She’s got her hands on her hips and shrugs at me. She takes the bottle of Chivas and pours me another glass. 

“I am not nearly qualified enough to untangle the mess in your mind, Prue. I can only offer a listening ear and a reasonable amount of alcohol.” She leans back against the wall. I stare at her for a minute and take in how she looks in the pub’s dim light. Shan’s got incredibly light skin, but it isn’t entirely pale and the dim lighting in here is showcasing her pretty features. She’s wearing a black tank top under a dark purple vest that cuts just at her waist. She’s got on dark jeans and a light gold studded belt. Shan pulls her hair back into a very high, very messy bun at the top of her head. A few strands still hang loose and frame her face. I draw a shaky breath and take a sip of my scotch. I speak softly, more to the glass than to her. 

“My sister died. Yesterday has been 13 years since she died.” Shan relaxes her posture and approaches me again. I don’t shift my position at all. If she thinks she can get me to open up more than that, she’s wrong. I won’t come undone by a pretty girl with bright red hair. 

“You don’t want to be alone then?” Shan reaches for my hand. I don’t let her take it. I’m still focusing on my drink and the patterns of the wood grains on the counter. 

“I am perfectly fine to be alone Shan! I’ve been alone for many years, what’s another one?” I straighten my back even further, attempting to close off my walls. They had been slowly coming down as I spend more time with Shan, but thinking about yesterday, about Tasha, about the losses in my life, have caused me to build them back up with a more reinforced metal. 

Now, I’m here again, in front of Shannon, and the metal around my heart is starting to melt again. What power does this Normal have over me that she can make me feel this way? Shan exits from her side of the bar and she comes to sit down next to me. I want to turn away from her, but I can’t find it in me to do so. I’m running my fingers along the rim of the glass when I feel her tough, guitar-calloused hand lay on top of mine. I refuse to look her in the eyes. She gently places my hand on the counter and turns it over. I finally look at her as she clasps her hand in mine.

“What if you didn’t have to be alone?” Her deep brown eyes are staring right into my grey ones. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to pick up. My breathing becomes a little erratic. I have not felt this in such a long time. Not since my final year at Watford. Not since I had my heartbroken into pieces and decided to shut it down forever. I start to pull my hand away, but Shan holds it tight. I frown at her and glare at her a little bit. 

“People like me are meant to be alone.” I try to make my voice sound icy and intimidating. But, Merlin help me, it sounds breathless, like I’m chocking it out. I take a sharp inhale of breath through my nose. Shan, the fool that she is, reaches over and grabs my other hand, she gently turns my body towards her and leans a little closer to me. She speaks in a soft and calm voice. I almost miss what she says because of the music in the background. 

“You don’t have to be alone.”

She leans in closer to me. I feel a small flutter in the pit of my stomach. I want to lean into her as well, but something stops me. I can’t. I can’t. Not again. Never again. I pull away from her and jump out of my seat. I ignore the confused and saddened look on Shan’s face and I fumble in my bag for my wallet. 

“I have to go.”

Shan grabs my arm and tries to look at me again. I will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me coming undone. I will not let another person into my heart only for them to destroy it again. I can’t handle more pain and misery. 

“Wait… Prue I-” She’s going to beg me to stay, I don’t give her a chance to finish.

“Thank you, Shannon. I’ll see you soon.” I pull out some notes and slam them onto the counter. I yank my arm away from Shan’s grasp and stalk out of the pub, leaving her sorrowful brown eyes behind me. 

I am meant to be alone. I don’t need anyone, especially not some nobody Normal. Even if the same nobody Normal is currently holding a key to my heart. I go home, fully intent on drinking my conflicting feelings away.

________

Six weeks.

Basil’s been missing for six weeks and I haven’t had any luck in finding him. 

I have tried every bloody spell I could think of. I have poured over every single one of Natasha’s old books in that blasted library. I have even tried to contact some of the undesirables in my midst to see if any of them knew anything. None of them could tell me any information. Even though I threatened and screamed and even cast spells to force them to give me any information, none of them had any information to give me. 

I was losing my mind. I wanted nothing more to march into Watford myself and threaten the bloody Mage himself, or even that stupid snivelling little magling, Simon Snow. The only thing preventing me from torching the damn school was the fact that The Mage knew exactly where Baz was and he could decide to retaliate by hurting or even killing him. He was not above murder, the bastard. 

The latest call we got from the numpties had demanded wands from us. They must have been bloody joking. Malcolm, the fool, was already looking for spare wands. I called him a spineless idiot, and if he couldn’t see that this wasn’t about a simple ransom, well then he really was more feebleminded than I thought. I told him that my sister scraped the bottom of the barrel when she married a Grimm and stomped out of the manor. 

The bloody numpties were holding him near some water, so I drew up a map of potential spots where he could be hidden. I was not going to rest until I searched each and every one, no matter how long that took. 

I now find myself walking down a familiar dodgy street, towards a familiar pub. I have not been back since Shan grabbed my hand and I almost allowed her a piece of me. I decided that I would not go back there and risk anything more happening between Shan and myself. To go back would mean I would have to talk about what almost happened, and to do that would mean I would have to either lie to her or give into my feelings, neither option really appealing to me. Still, I need to start a fight. I need to yell at something and punch something. And the thought of Shannon throwing me out of her pub and her life because I caused a fight with her patrons is exactly what I need to revitalize myself on this search mission. 

I storm into the establishment and see a few confused clientele staring at me. I should pick out which unfortunate character will be my target, but my eyes wander to the bar. I want Shan to be watching. 

She isn’t there. But her pathetic little ward is. I march to the bar and before the weasel says anything, I grab his shirt sleeve and pull him over the bar counter. I roughly toss him to the floor. The boy yelps in surprise and lifts his hands up to protect his face. I am not done yet. I am about to lift him up, when someone grabs my arm. I spin around and I’m about to deck them, when I see her deep brown eyes. 

“PRUE! That’s enough!” Shan looks absolutely murderous with rage. I have never seen that look on her face before. I give her a cold hard stare and sneer at her. 

“Get. Your. Bloody. Hands. OFF. ME!” Shan returns my stare with a scowl of her own. She keeps her hand secured on my jacket and begins to drag me outside. 

“We’re going outside, NOW!” 

Well that was fast. I didn’t even get to have any fun. 

Shan shoves me outside and practically tosses me onto the floor. I am astounded by the strength she has, considering just how skinny she is. But she does this for a living. She’s had to toss out larger folks than myself. I dust off my jacket and straighten out my jeans before turning to Shan, who is still wearing a livid look on her face. Her hair, although braided, has a frizzy halo that surrounds it. I already regret coming here. 

“I like you, Prue. But I will not have you starting fights in my pub! Either you tell me what’s gotten into you, or you can kindly fuck off!” She points an accusing finger at me and then out towards the street. I should be honest with her, but I have a knack for self-destruction, so I push my luck.

“Oh fuck off Shan!” She steps back, shocked at first by my demeanor. But she then shakes her head and scoffs. She steps up to me and responds with a coldness of her own.

“If you insist! But this whole tough bitch attitude is getting bloody exhausting! Call me once you’ve calmed yourself” she says as she begins to walk away. I want to let her go back. I want to watch her leave and never see her again. But my damn head won’t let her leave. I call out before I have a chance to stop myself.

“My nephew’s missing...” Shan stops in her tracks. She turns to me, her furious face already changed to one of deep concern. “He’s been missing for nearly 6 weeks and I’m going out of my bloody mind!” 

She approaches me cautiously. I know she is still very angry with me and my actions. She asks me smoothly, “Have they demanded a ransom?” Shan knows well enough to not ask about law enforcement. With the type of charges she takes in, the reality is that law enforcement will typically make matters worse. 

I roll my eyes and answer her. “We don’t pay ransoms in my family!” 

Shan stares incredulously at me, “Are you daft? I don’t know what kind of business you’re running Prudence, but I think the life of your nephew is worth a ransom payment, yeah?”

“This isn’t about a ransom, Shannon! It’s something more! Oh forget it! I’m wasting time, I could be using to search under bridges or in sewers!” This was a mistake. I never should have come here. I turn my back to Shan and start to walk away. 

“Under bridges?” She asks me. I stop and turn back to her. 

“The kidnappers sounded like they were near running water when they called. Which, considering this bloody city, could be fucking anywhere!”

“Christ…” Shan starts to shake her head. She put her hand to her face, as if she was starting to ponder something. It is enough for me to march right back up to her.

“What is it!?”

“I thought he was being batty…” Shan delivers that line in such a thoughtful way that I almost want to be gentle with her. 

Almost. But Basil is missing and this is the first tiny morsel of a clue that I have had for six weeks. So I grab Shan’s shoulders and press her further.

“Who was?! What do you know Shan!?” She frowns at me and shrugs me off.

“Nothing, Prue! I volunteer at one of the homeless shelters in the city and one of our regulars was going on about how one of his favourite sleeping spots near the river was overrun with boulders. It looked like someone was trying to hide something there. The man’s a little mad. He claimed that some of the boulders were moving.”

Moving boulders?! Bloody fucking hell! That’s it! That’s fucking it! Six weeks, I’ve been going mad trying to find Basil, and all this time, the one place I should have been looking was amongst the vagabonds and the homeless. Christ, go figure I’d find my most important clue with Shannon fucking Ryan.  

“Where is he now!!?” I demand of her.  Maybe a little too harshly. I really couldn't care less if I hurt Shan’s feelings anymore. I need to find this drifter as soon as I can. 

“Prue! You can’t be-” Shan tries to calm me down, but I am not having it. I am so close to bringing my nephew home, I am not stopping now. I get up to her face and nearly shout at her.

“You tell me where he is now, Shannon, or I swear to Christ…” Shan shakes her head at me, but she caves in and sighs at me. 

“You are a lunatic, Prudence. But he’s most likely at Whitechapel. He’s been spending most of his time th- Prue!” I’m already walking away. I have all the information I need.

“I’ll see you later, Shan.” I say to her. Maybe if I survive this, I’ll come back and apologize for being a proper psychopath towards her. Maybe she’ll forgive me. For now, I have more important matters to attend to.

“Prue! Come back! You can’t do this alone!” 

That’s where you’re wrong Shannon. I’ve had to do everything on my own. It’s what I’m best at. I can still hear her shouting into the night, even though I am far from the pub at this point. 

“PRUDENCE!”

________

I am once more, back at the Golden Griffin. The pub has just closed for the night, but I know that Shan is still inside. She usually stays behind a few hours after closing time in order to clean up the place. I stand right in front of the door, taking a few moments to decide if I want to knock on her door, or if I should leave. I lift my fist to the window on the door. I’m about to knock when Shan’s head pops up from the side of the door. She looks surprised to see me at first, then… is that relief? She whips the door opened and pulls me inside. 

“Prudence…” she whispers to me. She holds my hand in hers. Merlin, what is she doing to me? I let go of her hand and stuff my hands into my jacket pockets. I clear my throat and start to talk.

“He was alive. I found him in time.”

“Your nephew. I’m so relieved to hear that.” She’s got her hand over her heart and she sighs in relief. Has she truly been worried this whole time? 

I feel guilty for not coming back sooner. But I had to make sure Baz was fine and then well, I wanted to start planning retribution for this attack on my family. I hadn’t realized that it was mid-November and I still had not gone to see Shan. 

And so, here I am. At 2AM on a Tuesday. At this pub once more, in front of this Normal. This Normal who is nobody important, from a nobody family. Yet, all I’m hoping is that she can forgive me for my foolishness. 

“You said I couldn’t do it alone. I did it alone. I found him, I got him back. I didn’t need anyone.” I just have to antagonize her, don’t I? I am a Pitch after all. Shan shakes her head, like she was ready for this to begin with an argument. 

“I’m happy for you Prue. Truly, I am.” She responds with an icy sarcasm. Her arms are crossed and she is leaning away from me. She isn’t up for having a go at me. I take a half-step towards her and offer an olive branch.

“My real name’s Fiona. Fiona Pitch.” Shan drops her hands to her hips. She gives me a cold stare and shakes her head. She then raises her hands slightly only to cross them again. She’s upset and I can’t say I blame her. I’ve only been lying to her for several months. 

“Fiona. Christ… Alright…”

“Prudence is my middle name. I didn’t know you.” I offer her an explanation. She rolls her eyes at that and continues to stare at me. 

“Fine, Fiona. What do you want from me?” She waves her arms and points to her chest. I furrow my eyebrows. I don’t know how to answer her question. I also don’t like how she calls me Fiona with disdain in her voice. As if she’s talking to someone she doesn’t know or care for. I suppose I deserve that. 

“I don’t need anyone. I’m perfectly fine to be on my own.” I take another half-step towards her. 

“What do you want from me, Fiona?” She asks me again. She is challenging me. Her voice, while still severe, is more inquisitive. She wants me to answer her, to let her in. To allow her another piece of me. 

I am not ready to answer her. Instead I continue to fight her and my own feelings. 

“I do not want another person coming into my life only to destroy it again!” I turn my head away from her as I expose a tiny piece of myself. Shan now steps forward. She is a breath away from me now. I want to touch her hair, her face, her hands. 

“What do you want from me, Fiona?” Her voice has now lost its edge, its icy tone. She is softer now, asking me to trust her. She reaches for my hand. I let her take it. I look down at our clasped hands, and I remember the last time she did this. I’m going to try and not run away again.  

“But then you held my hand… You held my hand. And you told me I didn’t have to be alone!”

“I did.” She says so sincerely. 

“And you helped me find my nephew.” I try to divert the conversation. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Merlin help me, I am not ready for this. 

“I can’t take credit for that.” One of her hands has reached up to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“You helped me.”

“What do you want from me Fi-” She asks one last time. I feel her breath on my face. I give in.

This time, I am ready to answer her. 

I lean forward and kiss her. Her lips feel so soft, if a little chapped. Shan responds and returns my kiss. One of my hands has moved to the back of her head. I feel her thick soft curls in my hand. She has gripped my face in her hands. I feel her tilt her head and start softly nibbling on my bottom lip. I respond by lightly running my tongue over her teeth. I’ve wanted this for so long. Merlin knows why I’ve been denying it to myself. Our kiss breaks apart and Shan leans her head on the crook of my neck. 

“You. I want you, Shannon. Ever since you grabbed my hand and threw my world into bloody turmoil!” I whisper into her hair. She pulls away from me and looks at me as if I’m the most insane person in the world. She wouldn’t be wrong to assume that. I’m pretty sure there is a history of insanity within my family. 

“Well fuck, Prue… All you had to do was ask. But instead you ran away and acted like a bloody maniac. You could have talked to me, you know!” She shakes me lightly. 

“I bloody well could not!” I look away from her and shake my head. She wouldn’t understand. I am not the type of person who stands at the doorstep of a lover begging them to take them back or to love them. Even if I was, Shan’s life is wholesome and uncomplicated. All I am is one complication after another. She doesn’t need that in her life. 

“Why not? Help me understand you, Prue.” She’s grabbed my face again and she’s staring me down. Merlin help me, in the light, her eyes look like pools of honey. I grab her wrists tight. 

“I’m a bloody mess, Shan. I have no direction. I’m a disgrace to my family. A disgrace to my name.” Shan smiles at me. She runs her hands through my hair and I sigh. I’m a fucking mess. If my sister could see me now, she’d be so fucking disappointed. 

“You don’t have to be FIONA PITCH with me.” I snort sarcastically as she says my name with a snooty accent. “With me, you can be Prue. I like Prue a whole lot. She’s wild. She’s intense, but she’s got a good heart. She’s bloody gorgeous to.” With that, she grabs me by the back of my neck and pulls me into another deep kiss. My hands trail down to her hips and hold her in place. My thumbs tuck inside the hem of her jeans and run across her skin. It feels so soft. So perfect.  We pull away again and I laugh a little. 

“I can’t promise that I won’t run away or that I won’t be a complete maniac.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t kick your arse for being completely daft!” Shan flicks my white streak. 

“This could be a bloody disaster…” 

“Or not... Just don’t threaten my bartender again, or I may have to kill you.” She gives me a playfully wink, but I know she’s dead serious. I respond with a raised eyebrow and a tilt of my head. 

“I’d like to see you try.”

 With that, Shan cocks a half smile at me. She takes me by the hand and leads me away from the pub towards the stairs that lead to the Inn. She closes the lights as we walk up the stairs. 

I am not ready to give my heart to another person who could very well break it. But with Shan, I’m willing to risk it. 

Normal life be damned. 

And when I touch you, I feel happy inside. It’s such a feeling that my love, I can’t hide. 

#carry on countdown #coc 2019 #wlw #repost #because i'm a mess #fiona pitch #badass fiona #next day repost #i won't delete it this time #carry on #wayward son #no spoilers here #my writing #fanfic #piss off demon #I'm still here and I'm still fighting

[fullymechanized-consoomer]

40K factions and you

Space Marines:

Your favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, but occasionally you might try some Neapolitan, if you’re feeling dangerous. You’re faction’s lore is designed from the ground up to accept your self-inserts, and the models are some of the easiest to paint in the entire range. None of this matters because no matter how unique you think your super-cool “realistic marines who use real tactics maaaaan” are they’ll always come out looking like a slight variation of the ones below

8th edition has finally allowed you to feel a tiny sliver of the unbalanced and over-costed hell other factions have been stuck in for years, but unlike them, daddy GW is more than willing to spend a little extra on his bulky good bois so they still get all the coolest gear and lore. Like vanilla, small children love them, but they grow out of both eventually. 

edit: it was only a matter of time before GW stamped its foot down and made the inevitable decision that its favorite kid needs to be busted again. Then again in all fairness they toned down their overpoweredness from “godlike” to merely “demi-godlike” 

Imperial Guard:

You’re a big “history fan”. You’ve seen Enemy at the Gates, watched some history channel shows about Nazi wonder weapons, and make 54 karma post on r/history_memes recycling debunked Eastern Front jokes. Only your intelligent eye is able to conflate this factions obvious Metal Slug levels of cartoonish design and tactics with realism, and you make sure to remind everyone else of said realism by comparing your tabletop exploits to your military experience in the reserves. Everyone used to like you back when the faction was actually made up of underdogs and under appreciated, but the Guant’s Ghosts references have gotten kinda stale, and no one appreciates the brass balls of these Starship Trooper knockoffs now that 8th edition supports and rewards the very same mindless horde tactics the Guard used to be mocked for in Lore. Despite having some of the most tried and true designs in the game, as well as an incredible amount of options, you will quickly find how limiting the only “realistic” army is in terms of customization and paint schemes, as anything but camo, grey, or tan looks goofy and reveals how silly this faction actually is. 

edit: If your army consists of wrapping 30 guardsmen around basilisks I recommend you take a short fall down a long flight of stairs. Fuck you, Evan.

Eldar:

You’re a real shooter. You know what you like and you stick with it, cause lets face it, it takes a lot of loyalty to stick with these arrogant pricks. Their designs are unique but dated, their lore is a uneven mishmash of 40k grimdark schmultz Tolkien telephone, and Oliver Twist-esque whipping bois for whenever GW writers need to remind us how cool Space Marines are. But none of that matters because you know the truth: Eldar can kick tons of ass on the board, and look good doing it, as their unique designs lends them to all sorts of brilliant color combinations

And unlike other armies their rare design updates improve on their aesthetic while keeping their 40k-ness, something that is becoming increasingly rare in this era of Tacticool marines and Fantasy-creep. Just don’t expect to be taken seriously by anyone but the old-heads.

Edit: Leave it to the whipping bois to be outshined in their own event and get a single model update. Thanks GW, very cool. 

Dark Eldar

You are one of two people: a meta hopping smooth brain who only jumped ship once these guys got one of the best updates in 40k history, or a true intellectual who understood their hidden merit all along. Other faction players like to make fun of you for being edgy, when in reality you know that the Dark Eldar are just a bunch of sociopathic theater kids. They, like you, know how fucked from top to bottom this universe is, and instead of getting depressed they exclaimed “how can we be the best cartoon villains we can be?”. Despite having a relatively bare army list, the fact that these d-bags come in 3 flavors of crazy in a single army offers a ton of variety: the mustache twirling villainy of the Kabals, the crazy bloodstained snuff-stars of the Wych cults, and the BDSM horror show of the Covens. All three offer substantial benefits and drawbacks and must be played carefully in order t- 

Who am I kidding? You’re just gonna stuff  a bunch of Kabal warriors into Venoms and zoom around the map, aren’t you? Enjoy that speed, because your abysmal save stats wont protect you anything more than a furiously thrown walnut. At least your corpses will look rad clad in some of the grimest armor and gear in the game. 

edit: no longer anywhere near as dominent as they were in the earlier years of 8th, but they still look slick as hell and play great. 

Orks

Your IQ randomly jumps from 20 to 200 throughout the day. There is no predicting this, no planning around this, no stopping this. You’re best bet is just to go along with it, and that’s why you play Orks. Orks are roudy good-time buddies who love slapstick slaughter, not having thoughts, and occasionally pulling of cunning plans that human savants would struggle to comprehend. Orks seem to be the only faction that know what joy is, which is why you as a player spread it to everyone else. Yes, the memes and screaming can be a bit much to others sometimes, but like with any other mentally handicapped child  everyone around just grits their teeth through your bad episodes if it means not upsetting your unique sensibilities. And considering that this army’s aesthetic revolves around cobbled together nonsense, you have a lot of uniqueness to give. Orks are easily the most creative faction in the game when it comes to conversions. Nothing is too goofy, too dumb, or too silly to scrap together. As for performance on the tabletop? Go ham. This is an army that rewards merry bullshit and randomness. Remember, you didn’t pick Orks to win, you picked them to have fun. 

edit: So are Orks actually getting anything or what? GW’s plans for this faction is as chaotic as the minds of the ADHD scrambled minds who play them

Necrons

You have a very specific taste in... funky weird-science space Egyptians. Seriously, these guys are practically a completely different army to what they were a decade ago. Gone are the terminator references and eldritch lore nonsense, and here to stay is senility and glyphs. You lie to yourself, saying that you’re not really sure why you chose Necrons, but I know the truth: you chose them because they used to be busted. They used to be unfair. They used to be able to take out top-tier tanks with their version of pea shooters and come back after every turn. So overwhelmed were you by their dazzeling stats and bullshit cheese your brain’s wiring fried and the erratic firing of billions of flayed neurons made you think Necrons had cool lore and interesting models. But now they’ve been nerfed to hell, and you’re no longer stuck in that lasting state of sensory overload. Like a drunk snapping awake with a hangover you come to the painful reality: Necrons are kind of dull. So like me, you put them away in a shoebox forever, leaving their fragile sculpts to slowly fall apart.

Edit: FUCK WHERE IS THE SHOEBOX WHERE DID I LEAVE IT OH GOD OH OH NO OH FUCK THEY’RE ALL BROKEN MAYBE I CAN PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER BEFORE 9th EDITION LAUNCHES I’M SO SORRY FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER I NEED YOU, I NEED MY BOOOOOOOOYS!!!

Tau

You will forever be hated by the community unfairly. You are accuse being anime - and this is true - yet the Eldar get away with being copied wholesale from 80′s space anime and no one seems to notice. You are made fun of for your bad melee, despite having one of the most comprehensively designed niches in an otherwise sloppy game and dominating with nearly every edition. You are made fun of for your lore, despite being largely separate from the cliches and story traps that everyone else has fallen into. You are hated because you are different; hated because you are Asian. 

Tau are an anomaly in 40k: a completely new faction that wasn’t directly ripped off of some other franchise and with an aesthetic that is wholly their own. I won’t be making fun of them because they get enough of that, and you don’t deserve it. Just know this dirty secret: Tau outsell almost every other xenos faction, and despite the supposedly unanimous hate are probably one of the strongest factions in terms of play-style and modelling in the franchise. 

Edit: The tau are grittier than ever, happy now? They still do the same thing they have always done anyways.

Chaos

Unlike the DE you actually are edgy. You worship satan, you throw rocks at homeless people, you start fires because your dad doesn’t spank you enough. Chaos are the closest things that this cluster fuck of a universe can get to being the main villains. Their lore is at once intricate and stupid, both childish and metal as hell. You play chaos because getting your fingers pricked by the models’ spikes is the closest you can come to feeling anything anymore. Just like the chaos lore you love to hype yourself up, to puff your chest and revel in the darkness inside, but when confronted you tend to fold like wet tissue paper. You’ve stopped playing public games with these guys, because the other players don’t understand you and abuse the meta and make fun of your painting skills and  everything is so unfair and don’t you think that chaos marines should get buffs for their points cost, fuck?

Edit: The new models are slick and more power-metal minivan than ever, though the rules are still abysmal despite GW desperately wanting everyone to takes these guys seriously for once. 

Sisters of Battle

GW writers and designers hates Catholics and they hate women, so naturally they hate Sister of Battl. They also hate you for playing them. Because of this SoB are a monument to neglected potential. They have one of the best female armor designs in fiction, great lore, and an interesting playstyle that relies on faith/determination based feats of strength and valor... but GW hate Catholics and women, so SoB get shafted everywhere all the time. More often than not you will be disappointed reading about their exploits as they continually get unfairly slaughtered, corrupted into the horny service of the pervert god, or used as receptacles for blood-based paint when the writer’s favorite faction needs to fight demons. With no plastic models in sight for over a decade everyone began to come to the slow and dreadful realization that GW was looking to Squat our favorite estrogen warriors, until a new revamp was announced. Unfortunately the beta rules look as lackluster as ever, but that’s fine, because as a SoB fan you have learned to expect that GW hates you, Catholics, and women. 

Edit: GW found God and got woke because now they love women and Jesus’ one true Church, but let it be known that reformation doesn’t occur overnight, as the SOB’s faces still betray GW’s lingering discomfort in the female form:

Their rules are fun, and if every codex was designed like it 40k might actually be a fun game

Tyranids

nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom no- and that’s it that’s the Tyranids. I don’t know anything about them besides that, and neither do you, cause that’s their lore. Yes they have cool models, but next to no reliable updates. I’ll pray for you.  

Edit: it really looks like GW has just completely forgotten about you poor souls huh? The Night King, a character who is closely associated with the totally-not-reconned-Tyranid-invasion, comes back and not one word about you guys. They don’t even actively hate you like, say, they hate the Eldar. It’s just... apathy. 

Grey Knights

HAHA AHAHAHAHA HA HA UHAHAHA HAHAAHAHAAHAH HAHA ha ha Ah......... he. hehahaaaAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

edit: I hope you all realize that Grey Knights are far too specialized in fighting the permanently under performing forces of chaos to be 40ks “elite among elite.”  You and your entire faction has been made completely obsolescent by the Custodes. The rough times will continue, say hi to the Squats in heaven will you?

Custodes

You are either insufferably full of yourself or a fine practitioner of the model making craft. Most likely though you are neither, and you picked them because you only need gold and red paint to make them look good. Custodes are the space marine’s space marines, and they’re better than you and everyone else. period. At least in lore. On the table their incredible individual stats and elite status are reflected in points cost, so for most large games you will be fielding what amounts to any other faction’s skirmishing army. Unfortunately, since 40k is a stat-sheet battler that favors raw bulk of rolls and stats over the quality of them, you’d be hard-pressed to do well in any serious game. However, for the luminous of mind, the small size is a blessing in disguise since you don’t need to buy and paint as many units as the other armies, and no matter how hard the guard player trashes you his 50 unpainted manlets will never look as good as your 15 gloriously crafted golden Chads. Stick to smaller games, and the individual strength of each model will make up for the glaring absence caused by their loss.

Ironically enough despite being an elite faction from a relatively obscure part of 40k lore, these attributes make Custodes the perfect casual player’s faction. It is my personal theory that if GW didn’t grossly inflate their prices to such a high degree everyone would have a Custodes army. 

Oh yeah, Henry Cavil plays these guys, because of course he does. 

#40k #warhammer 40k #table top

[kvothe-kingkiller]

wtf is Nephelai

aight so if you’ve been following me for a bit you probably have Noticed me posting about the Thing I am writing which is called Nephelai.

so I thought I’d give a lil primer on it just for uhhh fun? I guess?

anyways. if you want it in a sentence its ‘gays out-science the competition’

if you want a little bit More info than that 4-5 word (depending on ur opinions on hyphens) blurb, here u go. I will put her under the cut so it does not clutter up the dashes of anyone who isn’t into this kinda thing. I am shit at brevity so this in itself is kinda long.

Just as far as vague genre/feeling stuff goes, it’s a sci fi and it kinda combines adventure with slice of life? Idk man. Its very much character based and a lot of it is dialogue. If you’re looking for pretty, poetic writing you’re not gonna find it here, I tend to just get to the point lol. It deals with some pretty heavy/dark stuff but I will tell you upfront that the ending is happy. There’s too many dark edgy books that end sad. Plus we don’t have enough gay stories that end well. It’s also quite R rated, though more in the violence/sweary way than the sexy way. 

Given that it does deal with some Rough Shit (child abuse, racism, depression, etc.) I have a list of all the chapters and their possible triggers here. (its at the bottom of the post)  I just put in general things but if you have a specific/more obscure trigger I would be happy to inform you if/where it shows up.

Also, just so you know, this fucker is Long. its at 180+K and I still haven’t gotten all the chapters out yet. As well as that, this is essentially a first draft. I know its slow to start and choppy in some places but currently Im just trying to get it out, and uploading the chapters as I go gives me incentive to do that, cause otherwise I’d never even get the first draft done. Basically I write a chapter, check for spelling and grammar mistakes, miss most of them because grammar is my kryptonite, then upload it. I will be editing it a Lot in the future. 

anyways.

Setting

The story is set in our universe in The Future. How far in the future? don’t ask because I don’t know. I don’t want a 2001 space odyssey situation. A lot of the technological advancements would take wildly different times to achieve so I don’t want to put a number on it especially because we are very bad at predicting how fast things will advance. It is at Least 150 years I’d say.

Humans have moved on from earth and colonized new planets. They’re still on earth, it’s just that they’re also in other places. Namely Mars and proxima centauri B which has been renamed Salus to keep up with the whole roman god thing (she’s the goddess of safety). Both planets have colonies from multiple different countries. Not all countries, I mean lets be real lichtenstein isn’t colonizing mars anytime soon. The two american colonies on both planets are Lincoln (Mars) and Roosevelt (Salus). The way that people travel between these planets which are v far away is through electromagnetic radiation powered engines and the use of man made wormholes. Let’s ignore relativity and pretend that when you get close to the speed of light your timeline Doesn’t slow down because I don’t want to deal with that.

However, those planets are not where most of the book takes place. The main planet they are on is Nephelai (shocker I know.) It is a planet with a small research colony on it. Before the colony was put in place, it was a barren planet with some water that was in the zone for life, and just didn’t have any. They terraformed the fuck out of it so the atmosphere is the same as earths then installed a Beyersdorf around it. A beyersdorf is basically a time machine. Anything inside it will have it’s timeline sped up. Uses some black hole jiggery pokery I don’t want to explain because it would be... impossible. Anyways, they placed some organic molecules on it and sped it up until life evolved then slowed it back down to normal time to go in and observe. It has tall mountains and a surface that is so hot that water boils. So all of the life lives up in the clouds around the peaks. Most of it is adapted for life in the air. Such as: giant borzois with wings and living blimps that are basically guppies. Its very cold and people have to have specialized gear to go outside.

Plot

I don’t want to go too much into the plot because... thats why you Read books, but I’ll give my best summary. Basically the main character, Nadia, is getting her masters in evolutionary biology and has to do a year long research project. She goes with her professor, Brenley, to Nephelai to do the project. While there, the planet is invaded by uhhhh neo nazis (whoops) and they basically create a hostage situation that is very hard to get out of in order to get the third main, Krupin, a celebrity trash man, to work for them and make some very dangerous biological weapons that his company’s products would be able to produce. Obviously they don’t want this to happen so they have to come up with a plan to escape. However a lot of what happens is more based around the emotional toll it takes to be trapped for so long with no contact to the outside world and the uncertainty of whether they’re gonna make it out or not.

Characters

Alright so now the characters. As I said, this is very much character based. So its more about their interactions than anything else really. Again, lotta dialogue.

Nadia Waters

She is as said before, the main character. A 23 year old dork who is a complete nerd (they all are). She is bi and also a bit of a disaster, naturally. Quite smart but doesn’t think she is, very loyal to the friends she has, and can be a bit shy at first. She is also stupidly brave to the point where its a problem. Her need for adrenaline is Real and she does very stupid things to get it. She describes herself at one point as “just a grad student with a very poor sense of self preservation.” While she doesn’t go looking for fights she will definitely stand up for herself and others and throw down against people who could very easily kill her.

Elias Brenley

Nadia’s professor, also a dork, also a nerd. A lanky french weirdo with an obsession for physics and a love for 80s music. Very spontaneous and doesn’t give a shit about embarrassing himself. He has aspergers and even though he is very smart and can do some savant-like tricks, that isn’t the only aspect of his personality (what a novel idea...) He Also isn’t just a ‘robot’, he cares a lot about others, especially those who don’t mind his quirks. Also I took the expected subplot of ‘male professor gets with female student’ and threw it in the garbage where it belongs cause he’s gay as hell. He and Nadia do become very close but it is 100% platonic

Feliks Krupin

Also a nerd, also gay (seeing a pattern?). He is pretty much a public figure as he owns one of the biggest biotech companies out there, Vozmet. Kinda like if you took elon musk and removed the asshole-ness. Annoyingly perfect in every way, charming, pretty, v smart, all those. Struggles with a good amount of mental stuff that most of the world doesn’t know about and came from a pretty shitty background. Him and Brenley have some History though at the beginning of the story they haven’t seen each other in 9 years. Tends to be noble to a fault and will sacrifice himself for basically anyone. 

Some other characters who aren’t the main three:

Kristina: The president of Vozmet to Krupin’s CEO and his best friend. About five foot nothing and has the appropriate amount of concentrated rage. She’s not mean, she just doesn’t let anyone push her around and knows how to get what she wants. 

Heidi: One of the only sane ones. Was determined by others to be the leader of the hostages so to speak and has Way too much on her plate. Is often the one voice of sanity or the one to actually get the others to stay on task

James: Drinks that respect women juice all day every day. Very nice. Doesn’t deserve this situation. Has a bit of a thing for Nadia.

Scott: Is the other only sane one along with Heidi. The doctor of the group who almost acts as a father figure to all of them even though he’s not That much older than some of them.

Saoirse: Dumb irish lesbian. ‘Nuff said. 

Links

so if you like the sound of any of that you can find it on 

fictionpress: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

or AO3 here

if u took the time to read this massive post, and/or read some, I luv u. *mwah*

#my shtuff #nephelai #big boy post #lorge

[screamingintp]

more about my mc

this is a mess, please don’t read it unless you’re interested in what i come up with when i’m sleep deprived and creating my first rp character

https://character-resource.deviantart.com/art/Big-Ass-Character-Sheet-Updating-167182524 but i cut out a buncha shit

welcome to hell(or the place in which I can’t capitalize for shit and curse too much and am vague but that’s honestly my personality in general)

Full Name: Mark Knox

Meaning: Mark, derived from Martkos(Roman), related to the war god, Mars. Knox, derived from cnoc(Scottish), meaning hillock.

Origin: made it up on the spot because planning is for cowards

Signature: illegible letters - MKX

Gender: male

Orientation: pan(i wrote pam and don’t regret it)-aro

Blood: three-quarters pure, half blood father

Birthday: 6-6

Deathday: (May not have one yet)(oh gee, did you not expect me to have a day of death?)(well, i don’t)

Astrological Sign: Gemini(fun fact: Draco’s the only Gemini on the wiki)(why is this relevant)(astrology is weird as all hell)

____

Immediate Family: Jacob Knox(brother)

Distant Family: Shay Knox(mother), Clark Knox(father)

Parenting: non-existent

Upbringing(morals and ideals): considering he was raised by a person only a few years older than him, during the period of Voldemort’s rule, he is less screwed up than he could’ve been. However, he still possesses a rather vague and undefined sense of right and wrong - using his logic to bypass any sort of regrets if it blocks him from his goal

Infancy: (dropped at birth is an option and i’m living for it)

Childhood: that one kid who lit ants on fire and was ‘rebellious’ (you know that post about america being the asshole kid with neglectful parents? That’s the one)

Adolescence: canon

Adulthood: never. He hasn’t even gotten taller

____

Species: hooman

Preferred Hand: ambidextrous(he keeps injuring his hands)

Facial Type: like a face, why is this - oval, i guess

Eye Color: dark brown

Hair Color (Self Explanatory)(it isn’t when his hair is grey/silver/white)(the kid probably bleached his already pale hair)(he probably likes the smell of bleach)

Hairstyle: fringe-up

Complexion: blushes easily, relatively smooth unless you look at the cuts and bruises and scars on his arms, back and legs

Body Type: ectomorph

Build: skinny arms and legs, he isn’t the most physically fit and regularly damages his body due to his complete lack of care for his own safety

Height: 65 in

Weight: 120 lb

Shoe Size: (Shoe size doesn’t matter)(goddamnit i forgot this was an innuendo)(keep it pg, please)

Birthmarks/scars: no birthmarks, and has tons of ugly marks all over him, none of them particularly remarkable

Distinguishing Features: the contrast between his eye color and hair color - but other than the hair, he doesn’t have a memorable face

_____

Health: as healthy as a wizard without impulse control and emotional support could be

Energy: swings from highs and lows without any pattern

Memory: remembers the small stuff, the negative parts - forgets about major ideas or lessons

Senses: heavily relies on eyes, can’t taste for shit

Allergies: (Self Explanatory. May be optional.)(i mean, i would put animals, but we have transfiguration)

Medication: needs some, doesn’t take any

Phobias(irrational fears):

Symmetrophobia(fear of symmetry, an unnatural-looking but normal occurrence, which isn’t debilitating, but causes him stress and uneasiness)

Siderophobia(fear of the stars, the idea that there’s so much out there that he doesn’t know of is pretty awful and, again, while it isn’t going to freeze him up, it will cause him to become upset)

Addictions: none yet

Mental Disorders: undiagnosed

______

Style: couldn’t care less about appearance  - he wears the school robes most of the time

Mode of Dress: doesn’t have a particular taste, as long as it’s passable, it’s fine - tends to wear a size or two larger

Grooming: somewhere in between messy and neat

Posture: he displays an air of aloofness and confidence - almost condescending in stance

Gait: quickly and efficiently - it’s brisk at his slowest

Coordination: not physically fit at all, he’s too reckless for that - exercises to the point of exhaustion without realizing that it’s detrimental to do so and has limbs flying all over the place

Habits and Mannerisms: taps his foot or fingers when excited, nervous, or anything that deviates from his usual ‘cool’ facade

Scent: earth, smoke, and grass - faint but noticeable

______

Mood: ‘calm’ - probably plotting though

Attitude: he’s charismatic and charming until you dig deeper

Stability: hA

Expressiveness: can act like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve but can never fully give his true thoughts

When Happy: smirks - invades personal space and slows down

When Depressed: smiles - talks louder and speaks faster

When Angry: (trolls online is an option and if that isn’t Mark, i don’t know what is) smirks - wide eyes and tense hands

______

Friends: Rubeus Hagrid - but not really

Enemies: Rita Skeeter - but not really

Bosses: Filius Flitwick - but not really

Followers: not even himself

Heroes: Filius Flitwick - “short people are closer to hell and he’s gonna whoop my ass if I do anything stupid”

Rivals: Ismelda - “for most edgy teen”

Relates to: Dumbledore - impersonal but seemingly close, full of contradictions and ulterior motives

Pets/Familiars: does his jar of bug bodies count?

______

Wardrobe: mostly consisting of Hogwarts robes, formal robes, and the identical grey-blue sweater and jeans

Equipment: carries a wand and a pencil(but not paper, because he has problems)

Accessories: a single dangling silver piercing on his right ear(family tradition)

Trinkets: carries hair ties on his wrist all the time(why? He doesn’t even know)

Funds: his family is relatively well off, being a respected branch of purebloods

Home: almost like his personality, warm and nice on the outside, cozy on the inside, but dead silent and empty when no one looks - not large but not small either, seeming normal by all accounts if you don’t look into any of the rooms(jacob’s windows are taped shut and Mark broke through the locked door that connected their bedrooms)

Neighborhood: the woods

Transportation: running because stamina apparently is infinite in this world

Collections: bug bodies, herbs, and lighters

Prized Possession: his wand, after seeing Jacob’s broken one

_____

Lovers: yeet

Marital Status: yeet

____

Experience: works in the three broomsticks in his off time to get experience and money, nothing serious

Organizations/Affiliations: changeable, he doesn’t plant many roots or make any long-term promises

______

Education: i mean, Hogwarts. But is it even ‘education’?

School: (What was their school like?) bitch this is Hogwarts

Social Stereotype: “least favorite cursed student”

Intelligence: mostly interpersonal, linguistic and logical

Extracurricular Activities: would do theater if given the chance

_____

Morals: don’t exist - but he honestly has a problem with reasoning his way into committing seriously wrong deeds

Crime Record: hasn’t been caught yet ;)

Motivation: adrenaline, change - nothing truly meaningful or satisfying

Priorities: knowledge, humans, self

Philosophy: gen z nihilism

Etiquette: usually practices ‘correct’ etiquette - does not give a fuck if his behaviour offends someone though

Influences: everything and anything he finds intriguing

Traditions: tries to run away from them, always moving and staying ahead of the past

______

Career: spell-inventor or wand-maker/seller

Desires: uncertain

Accomplishments: undetermined

Biggest Failure: failing Jacob

Secrets: his manipulative side, his genuinely mean streak and the fact that he regrets having those traits

Regrets: a shit ton of things

Worries: Jacob, being nothing in the grand scheme of things, being a hypocrite, betrayal, a shit ton of things

Best Dream: having a greater purpose

Worst Nightmare: dying alone and being left behind as a ghost

Best Memories: finding his brother’s secret room, meeting Billingsley

Worst Memories: losing his brother, lying to his teachers, accidentally calling Chester: Jacob

_______

Hobbies/Interests: explore the wilderness, identify flora and fauna, observing other people

Skills/Talents: pyromancy, charms in general, debating, acting, singing

Likes: mint, sharpies, fire

Dislikes: himself, close-minded people, pity

Sense of Humor: sarcastic, self-deprecating, relatively dark

Pet Peeves: the guy scratching his quill the wrong way in the front row whenever they write essays

Dreams/Nightmares: doesn’t dream usually - when he does, it’s usually flashes of color and abstract black and white shapes

Quirks: can’t sit on the fucking couch correctly

Understands: how people think, the reason they fail, mistakes

Can't understand: quidditch, values, structure

Closet Hobby: burning shit(though that isn’t really a hidden thing with him)

_________

Strengths: charismatic, diplomatic, quick-witted, inwardly caring, able to understand his flaws, patient, logical, able to read other people

Flaws: lies often, manipulative, lazy, lenient, passive, harsh, inconsiderate, enjoys pushing people’s buttons, doesn’t understand people

Perception of others: beautiful, incomprehensible, vast

Instincts: wants approval(deems it irrational)

Lures: leadership roles, secrets, problems

Soft Spot: innocence but not ignorant, optimism

________

Ability: capable if he puts his mind to it - employs unpredictable and risky techniques instead of having a fear of consequences

Weaknesses: stubborn opponents - he expects change and gets caught off guard when someone seems set in their ways

Patronus: non-corporeal

Boggart: fire(irony i guess is easy to use when you don’t have anything else)

Wand: spruce, phoenix feather, 12”, springy

Amortentia: lime, smoke, sharpies

House: Ravenclaw(that post about the kid wanting to be put in Ravenclaw since ppl will trust you but got in Slytherin)

_____

Favorite Color(s): grey, blue

Favorite Animal(s): swedish short snout

Favorite Drink(s): coffee and soda(probably together because he can’t function like a normal person)

Favorite Genre: mystery or myths

Favorite Subject(s): charms(Flitwick is the man) and divination(where you can bs your way through anything)

Least Favorite Color(s): black, white

Least Favorite Animal(s): flies

Least Favorite Drink(s): does soup count? Because he does drink it in a cup

Least Favorite Genre: manuals and biographies

Least Favorite Subject(s): flying(impulsive idiot) and care of magical creatures(he’s a screw up around animals)

________

Languages: english and he taught himself some Latin

Voice: average in tone, a bit nasally, rather forgettable except for the speed

Greetings and Farewells: doesn’t

Ask your character "how are you": yes.

Character tries to compliment: you have eyes, your name is ___

Tries to insult: passive-aggressively drags a person

Expletive: damn(dam)(loopholes, my friends)

Laughter: snorting, definitely not normal

Tagline: ___, yeah?

________

Reputation: other than the whole ‘brother’ problem, is relatively well-liked

First Impressions: charming, confident guy

Stranger Impressions: a bit loud but not strange

Friendly Impressions: goddamnit Mark, shut up

Enemy Impressions: please keep talking so we’re allowed to punch you in the face

Familiar Impressions: ah yes, the hair pops up from time to time

Compliments from others: bright, energetic, optimistic, honest

Insults: dangerous, unstable, chaotic

Self-Impression: am shit

_________

Compare to: forest fire(destructive and necessary for change)

Symbols: flames, ashes, duality

#you guys are wonderful people who don't deserve this disappoitment #but i am a disappointment so what can we do?

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Becca Stevens.

Singer-songwriter/multi-instrumentalist Becca Stevens has released a new full-length album, titled WONDERBLOOM.

North Carolina-bred, Brooklyn-based Becca Stevens again defies all expectation, this time dreaming up a groove-heavy, dance-ready sound infused with elements of pop and funk and R&B. With its bright textures and uptempo rhythms, WONDERBLOOM also finds Becca achieving a profound complexity in her lyrics, ultimately redefining what’s possible in creating music that elevates and edifies.

WONDERBLOOM telegraphs an unabashed joy that Stevens partly attributes to the project’s production. In a first for her, WONDERBLOOM was co-produced and co-engineered alongside Nic Hard (Snarky Puppy, Ghost-Note, The Church), overseeing every aspect of the recording and claiming a sense of agency that had long eluded her in the studio.  

Recorded over the course of six months, WONDERBLOOM mostly came to life in Brooklyn, but Stevens also journeyed to Los Angeles, North Carolina, and France in order to capture certain performances.

We had a chat with Becca all about WONDERBLOOM, touring and much more. Read the interview below.

You've just released your new album WONDERBLOOM. What is the record about?

"I didn’t have an overall theme in mind when I set out to write the music for WONDERBLOOM, but not for lack of trying. Unlike my previous album Regina which was very much driven by a theme, the writing of WONDERBLOOM was much harder for me to distill into an elevator pitch. I found the more I tried to chase a “storyline”, the more my muse would rebel against it and lure me into the unknown. I did however have challenges set for myself that I was very committed to throughout the process of writing, like staying direct, enjoying the process, and serving the songs.

"Looking back, it’s clear to me that each song on WONDERBLOOM dances with struggle. The songs capture the fearlessness and wonder of holding difficulties up to the light to watch them flicker and bloom, like looking into the lens of a kaleidoscope.

"WONDERBLOOM taught me to surrender, to enjoy, to share, and inspired me to dig in my heals and work harder, longer hours in the studio than ever. Writing and recording this music also taught me the joys that could come from relinquishing control and finding a balance of trusting myself as well as my collaborators. I think I’ve tended to hold my writing process precious for fear of losing my voice in the final product, but this album has taught me that sharing the process actually stretches and challenges me, humbles me, makes the process more fun, while broadening my own voice."

What were your influences for the album and what does it mean to you?

"When I was writing the music for WONDERBLOOM, there were two pictures sitting on my Wurlitzer that I drew a lot of inspiration from. One is a piece of calligraphy by Thich Nhat Hanh that reads “No Mud No Lotus”. This reminded me daily that without going through the hard work and difficult emotions we will never have the beautiful bloom. Next to that was a photo of my grandfather, my dad’s dad, who passed away the year I was born. The photo had been taken just after his doctor told him he had terminal cancer. My grandfather wanted to leave a memory for his family of the way he looked before the cancer started to change his appearance so he had his portrait made. His smile beams with so much joy and warmth in the photo. While writing the music for WONDERBLOOM, if I was in a bad mood or taking myself too seriously, I’d often find myself gazing at the photo and thinking, “if he could smile like that knowing what he did, then I can definitely get over myself right now”.

"This commitment to finding joy amidst the difficulties is a huge reason that a lot of the songs on the record have dance grooves even though the subject may be brooding, or upset.

"This may sound cheesy, or cheap but the songs themselves were also huge influences on this album. My initial vision for this record was something way more stripped down, intimate, and simple. But from day one in the studio with Nic Hard, the songs pulled me in sonic directions that I didn’t intend. (And as I was going down those unplanned roads I of course found myself channeling elements of a multitude of artists that I’ve been influenced by since the moment I first started remembering music. Whoever you’re hearing I’m sure is accurate, whether it be directly or indirectly.)

"WONDERBLOOM’s title was inspired by the Titan Arum, a flowering plant with the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The Titan Arum, also known as the “corpse flower”, spends 7-10 years growing before it finally bursts into a magnificent bloom that smells like rotting meat and lasts for 12-48 hours before wilting and beginning again. I’m inspired by the amount of time that this magnificent flower spends to bear fruit, beginning with dirt and ending with a massive, glorious bloom. “No Mud, No Lotus”. "

How is WONDERBLOOM different (or similar) to your previous releases?

"The collaborative element of WONDERBLOOM was not only a crucial influence in the making of this music, but a very different approach to record making for me. As I mentioned above, in the past I would have been reluctant to share the creative process too much for fear of losing my creative voice. If someone had told me on my first day of recording WONDERBLOOM that I’d end up having 40+ collaborators on it I think I would have ran the other direction. Sharing one’s process as a songwriter can be an uncomfortable situation, but I am a firm believer in investigating and pushing up against the vulnerable stuff during my creative process. What I found in the end was that the enjoyment and camaraderie that came from sharing this process far outweighed the creative vulnerabilities that I anticipated. Sharing the process helped me to get out of my own way, simplify, obsess less, and enjoy more.

"The way the collaborations unfolded was very natural, and somehow still very authentic to my process. A big part of that was due to the collaborators being thought of in the moment as a response to the needs of the songs as Nic Hard and I were building them in the studio. Another reason was more personal: that I’d set a goals for myself going into this record to challenge my tendency to turn inward and control the process, and instead share and collaborate as much as the songs asked for along the way. Nic Hard, my co-engineer/co-producer and I would be tracking and editing and a missing element would arise, at which point we’d think of someone who would be perfect to record on the song, and text them right away. Most of the people we thought of were miraculously able to either come by during the recording process, or send stems from their home studio. This fit the goal of being joyful too as the communal vibe was just more fun!

"Lastly, because I was way more hands on in the editing/producing process on this album, I was able to very much maintain the feeling and aesthetic that all this information was coming through my lens. As I was editing everything myself, and choosing all my favorite bits, it was sort of like making my own painting with a palette of brand new colors."

Were there any musical influences or sounds that you were able to incorporate on this record that you hadn’t previously?

"Synths, effects, and pedals galore. Being more direct and raw in my vocal delivery that ever, to the degree that it was like torture some days to find it."

You mentioned working with Nic Hard on the album. What was it like working with him? What sort of things did you learn from him and vice versa?

"Nic was an unbelievably generous/selfless collaborator, showing me exactly how to execute any task that held me back, so that by the end I had capability to run a session/track vocals/edit takes/manipulate sounds etc. from another room while he was mixing or working on something else. This was a very empowering for me, and also added to the personalized feeling of the end result of the album. For example, for every collaborator that did twenty takes of an improvised idea, I took the time to listen through and choose the moments and takes that best served the song or the feeling of the song, so even though the collaborative element was higher than usual, the final product still feels very “me” when I listen back.

"Nic started out as an acquaintance and over time became one of my most trusted collaborators. He pushed me in the studio in ways that I never had been before, especially during the vocal tracking process. There were songs where we even pushed the limits of traditional recording styles in order to get certain sounds that served the songs. I tracked laying on the floor on my stomach to replicate the sleepy/depressed sound from one of my early demos of a song. One song was tracked in a whisper room, screaming into a hand held mic to get a more edgy/dirty/loose/angry sound. One song I tracked completely alone in the control room (no headphones, playback at a low volume in the studio monitors) in a handheld mic to get a natural/uninhibited sort of on stage feeling to the vocals.

"The biggest things I took from the 9? months I spent working with Nic were:

1.) How to listen more “globally” as a producer rather than zeroing in on specific sounds… listening to the song as a whole and asking if the story and energy is being served rather than focusing on how my voice sounds 2.) How to know the feeling of when I’m serving the songs in a vocal take, vs. just “singing pretty” 3.) How to run a session on my own, tracking someone else or myself etc   4.) Leaving the whole experience feeling like I can confidently call myself a producer.

"I have so much to thank Nic for. He was so patient, and so calm yet competent, ego-less, and I always trusted his ears, and he mine. Even though at times it was really difficult and at times we drove each other crazy spending long days working in small spaces, I wouldn’t change a thing. He truly awakened a lot in me during the process of making this album."

What was your favorite part recording WONDERBLOOM?

"Hard to choose one, so I’ll list 3:

1.) Learning to run Protools from Nic Hard, and the satisfaction of engineering and producing my own sessions when special guests came in to collaborate. 2.)Tracking vocals, being pushed by Nic to reach deeper to emotional places I didn’t think were possible, 3.) Experimenting with sounds and textures, and the feeling of complete freedom in the studio — no stop time. no sonic limits. The “No time spent on the record is wasted time” mentality. It was such an inspiring time."

What do you hope fans will take away from the new LP?

"I hope they find solace, inspiration, originality, authenticity, humanness, fearlessness, grounded-ness, spirituality, and raw emotion."

You are planning to return to Europe on tour dates to support the new record. What do you love most about touring and being on stage?

"The connection with the audience. It’s such a small part of being on the road when you break it down. Most of the day is spent traveling, loading in and out and sound-checking, but the time spent with the audience makes it all worth it."

Will there be any changes to your live show? Which of the new songs are you excited to debut live and why?

Before quarantine I had been touring the new music with a second guitar player, which has given me a lot of freedom to focus more on singing and feeling grounded in my movements for sections or entire songs. I’ve always wanted to give myself the freedom to dance more on stage. Now’s my chance!"

If there was one thing you could change about the music world today, what would it be?  

"That art is valued to the same degree as something like medicine. It is a medicine for many people, so why shouldn’t it be valued in a way like that? I wish that when an artist put in the hours (years!) and creates something that is deeply connected and thoughtful and important and serves the people, like a a well studied doctor, that it was valued like that, monetarily and otherwise. It would be nice if we weren’t expected to give everything away for free. It would be nice if female musicians could be treated equally to male artists. And man oh man I wish we were all taken better care of on the road. Road life is absolutely brutal."

And finally, what's one non-musical goal of yours for 2020?

"To dance more. Well, I guess that’s musical too. To finish 'The Artist’s Way'...I guess that’s also kind of musical. To hug my friends again."

WONDERBLOOM is out now.

#interview #becca stevens #wonderbloom

[chemorygunko]

The dread of facing your 3D work and money obligations

The 3D life that I lived in order to get me to my current spiritual evolution was - by human standards - a traumatic fucking train wreck.

In all honesty, there’s very little of the ‘bad’ stuff that hasn’t happened to me… I’ve been homeless, bankrupt, committed to a suicide and depression ward for six months, had two nearly successful suicide attempts, survived a pregnancy and had a child on my own, drove myself to hospital in labour, lost my home and all my assets, lost my business, lost the love of my life, been defrauded, been cheated, been catfished, been abandoned, been rejected, worked in the sex industry, been abused and raped, battled an eating disorder, had countless medical issues, including chronic diseases like epilepsy and like 30 operations as a child…. and that’s not even the tip of the iceberg, to be honest.

Most people can’t listen to my life story for very long - it was pretty damn traumatic to say the least.

But you know what scared me the most, for the longest period of time in my life? Working a 9 to 5 job in an office environment.

Without fail, almost every single day I walked into those environments, I hated it.

I used to feel the most horrible dread building up in me when I had to go into work in the morning - but I never linked it to my ongoing depression, need for medication, constantly getting ill, and my lack of will to live at all. Somehow that connection escaped me.

But, once I was partway into my dark night of the soul, and all that stuff had been forcibly taken away from me, I realized how much happier I was without all of that around me - and what unnecessary pressure that all placed on my life…. pressure that was causing ongoing depression and suicidal tendencies.

I was fat, I was unhealthy, I was unhappy - and I felt trapped. I felt like I had no choice but to participate, because money is survival. You need money to live.

Money is survival

When your alarm goes off at what feels like an ungodly hour - somehow always just short of ‘enough’ sleep - and you reach over to turn it off, you don’t quite properly go back to sleep, do you?

I remember, often, waking up, and in that pause of the snooze alarm, doing a full scan… is there anything ‘wrong enough’ with me for me to call in sick today? Because, immediately, what I could feel was that I didn’t feel like facing the working world again that day.

And then mental calculation of sick days used begins, and you wonder if you can swing it…. and if you’re up for dealing with the heavy disapproval that you know your boss will have when you do go back to work?

But, you get up and go in anyway on most days, because you have to - because money is how you stay alive, and if you don’t have money, you can’t pay your bills.

And even though you’re earning money, it never quite seems to be enough… so even though this job is paying the bills (mostly, hopefully), you still sit with constant money worries.

This fact alone - that you still can’t make ends meet always - is enough to make you resent going into work.

More, more, more

That isn’t the end of it though, because when you get to work, you have to perform. Really perform.

The job market is tight and there are number of people who are waiting to take your job from you, and so you can’t afford to give your boss any reasons to question your value. And so you perform and push yourself, finding the energy reserves somewhere.

And you have to compete with colleagues around you, making yourself stand out, reaching for that next level - because monthly costs are ever-increasing and salaries are not keeping pace, and so the only way to improve your lot is to advance in your career.

This is a pretty tall order when you’re not competitively minded, and when you’re used to benchmarking against yourself.

And so you work like a dog all week, probably at night and over weekends too, and in the moments in between, you collapse in exhaustion, grateful simply to pay the bills, and with no energy left to do anything other than be a couch potato and sleep.

You’re wearing a mask

As tired as you are though, when you get to work, you aim to perform - you push yourself.

And that’s not the only mask you wear…

I had a friend who used to say…. “The irony of life is that we have jobs we hate, to earn money to pay for a house we need to live near enough to work, a car we need to drive to and fro from from work, clothes we’d only ever wear at work, and items we’d only ever use for work.”

We do a job we don’t like, to make money we don’t need, to impress people we don’t get along with.

You wear clothes you wouldn’t choose to wear if it wasn’t required. And these clothing items are uncomfortable and hot, and cost a lot of money in many cases.

You have to hide ‘unacceptable' parts of your appearance… and can kiss a corporate job goodbye if you have anything alternate, like tattoos and piercings.

You have to hide the unacceptable human parts of you as well…. your emotions, your reactions, your feelings, your religion, your lifestyle… or at least the parts of it that are not secular or the norm.

You pretend to be subservient to people you do not truly respect, and you have to be polite and friendly to people you really don’t like.

You can’t be loud, noisy or distracting, or talk about anything that others would deem as shocking…. which is a tall order when you are as naturally shocking as many of us tend to be.

All spiritual types carry a a strong rebel archetype - it helps us to break the boundaries and seek new ways of being that are outside of the norm, to stand on our own and get the extreme experiences that will become our growth path.

But this rebel archetype makes us take risks and chances, go into edgy topics and ideas; places the world naturally deems ‘shocking’, are, in fact, home base for souls like us.

The target on our heads

This is what I would classify as one of the “you’re not going insane, this is really happening to you” set of messages. In fact, I’ve had clients cry with relief when they receive this next learning.

There’s a saying in dating…. you can’t fake chemistry. The truth is you can’t fake any emotion really, because we understand them energetically, we know what they ‘feel' like.

The reason we all have these common understandings of emotion, is because we’re all connected to the morphic field, which is like the internet of everything and all information, floating all around us. Our bodies are like digital devices that upload and download information (content) from this internet.

Two articles on the morphic field for you to read:

http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/the-morphic-or-holographic-field-explained-the-missing-information-link-you-ve-been-looking-for-to-tie-the-puzzle-together

http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/creation-or-evolution-the-spiritual-answer-how-it-all-works

So one of the other interesting energy dynamics that takes place in the field is that higher energies are recognized automatically - and many of us spiritual types, we tend to have dominant energies.

Basically dominant energy means you are higher on the Human Consciousness Scale - read more at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/the-human-consciousness-scale

This recognition automatically puts a target on our heads - and it’s why you feel like everyone is competing with and trying to one-up you… they actually are.

LOL…. you’re not paranoid; they really are out to get you.

Ego is all about identity and hierarchy - superiority or inferiority.

Read more on ego at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/a-simple-analogy-to-understand-ego-with-7ps-of-ego-questions

So ego seeks to establish identities in an environment into a hierarchical structure - comparing elements and saying these aspects are superior to those.

Because ego doesn’t look for balance however, when it feels threatened (inferior), it seeks to rectify this by making itself superior again - by making the other identity inferior.

So yes…. your seemingly-evil boss is really out to get you and make you feel small in many cases.

For me, this realized right at the end of my adventures in the corporate world, as I was sitting in a company brainstorm session the one day.

If you follow my writing and teaching, you’ll know that I’m an ideas person, and this has always been the case. In fact I’m an advertising anomaly in this regard - I will keep on generating ideas until you make me stop.

So, sitting in a meeting with me, if you ask a question, it’s kind of like typing an instruction into Google… I return search results - really quickly.

And as we were sitting in the meeting, and I was putting forward a few throw away ideas, my then-boss turned around and looked straight at me and said, quite brutally, “Do you think we don’t know how smart you are?”

I was taken aback at the time - and really hurt and offended. So I stayed quiet… but the question stayed with me for a while.

For one, these were my throw away ideas, before I’d put any real thought into it - and this made me very aware of how much I intimidated the boss in question.

To be honest, if he was that intimidated by the throw away stuff, then the answer is no - he doesn’t know how smart I am. I’d be too scared to put in the mental effort around him and show him.

This same person had the habit of hearing my ideas and presenting them as their own a few days later, as well as constantly shifting goalposts and then belittling me because they’d changed what they wanted - again.

And so I also started asking myself - why did they have me there? It wasn’t because they were happy with my work - everything I did, they managed to find fault somehow.

It clearly wasn’t for ideas, because the fastest way to piss everyone off seemed to be to have lots of good ideas. Unless of course those ideas were delivered privately and someone could present them as their own…. and then it hit me like a ton of bricks:

I was there to make everyone else look smart. By looking stupid and being one-upped.

I’m smart and organized and efficient - and you’re not going to doubt that when you meet me. And that puts a massive target on my head, because when other people can show themselves as smarter than me, then that must mean that they are automatically the smartest.

By knocking me down from my inherent and energetic position of superiority, they assumed the superior role.

So, I realised, my job was actually to give ideas that other people could say no to, so they could feel smarter for knowing better than me.

This was why I had to give ideas even though they would be rejected or presented as belonging to someone else… they needed to knock me down in order to feel superior.

They didn’t want the actual work from me, or my mind applied to it; they wanted to say no to whatever I presented because they ‘know better’ and can see what I did wrong.

But it’s great to have me there as a back up in case they need someone to blame for it going wrong. Or to have someone to actually save the day.

Same reason your boss wants to micromanage you… it’s about creating as many opportunities as possible to remind you that they are superior to you and know better.

At this point I realized that I could no longer deal with corporate and I bowed out permanently.

Speaking of corporate…

Every day you are traveling with people, and walking into environments, that are focused on consumerism and making money.

That is what business is - to sell, you need buyers, and sales generate profits.

Sales and money.

But your mind doesn’t quite work like that anymore does it? And each time you evolve and change, it gets harder and harder to buy into that world.

Your life is getting simpler, and your needs are less - but somehow your monthly expenses and the cost of living still seem ridiculous, don’t they?

You don’t know how to feel serious about deadlines and month end anymore, because your view of time is changing.

You don’t feel the urgency to be punctual and time driven anymore, and this is also down to your changing perspective of time.

Each time you surge, and the rebel archetype grows in you, you find yourself getting more and more frustrated with bureaucracy and petty rules and admin… and oh wow, is there ever a lot of admin involved in just about every aspect of life today!

And it’s not just your company, because chances are you are working in an office building, and near a shopping mall… which is where you can escape to on your time off and lunch breaks.

So you’re surrounded by consumerism and people whose sole focus is money, and at the same time you’re trying to simplify your life and become more non-attached.

You’re learning new understandings and perceptions of time, and you’re trying to force yourself to stick to deadlines and schedules and month end… and doesn’t it always feel like the next month end is around the corner? That the next load of bills is due?

And then you’re walking into an office building concentrated full of people who are feeling similar to you, and don’t want to be there either, which is dragging the energy down even more.

And that same environment is entirely artificial…. no open windows, fresh air or natural light in most cases. And you don’t get anywhere near enough sunlight.

And not only are you constantly sitting underneath electric lights (which messes with your crown chakra), you’re surrounded by electrical devices and EMF frequencies such as wifi and mobile networks.

All of this to (hopefully) pay your bills and make it to your next paycheck…. and you wonder why you feel depressed and that life isn’t worth living?

Or you wonder why you can’t seem to get excited and motivated about life?

Career and purpose… we’ve been sold a lie

This is one of the ugliest deceptions we face - that a career is a gift and that it can be your purpose.

"If you do what you love and it’s your purpose, then you will never work a day in your life.” What hogwash!

I do what I love - I live my spiritual journey and help other advanced souls. But it still feels like work - damn hard work at times.

The worst part of that pressure though? The monthly income required.

I noticed this when I first started my own business and was really responsible for my monthly income generation - month end always seemed to be coming up.

I remember saying, a few times in fact, that the only day I could rest was the afternoon of payday: the next day I was immediately back to start meeting the next month’s salary bill.

Because even if you don’t get “lucky enough” to find your career-purpose-passion, you still have to earn a monthly income… and that has become the main point of a job for everyone: monthly income.

It’s only about money and reward nowadays - and it has to be, because the costs just keep rising, exponentially.

There’s no time to think about anything else except meeting quotas and targets, making payroll, meeting expenses.

And when you spend so much mental time and energy focused on something so overwhelming, like survival and money, it becomes an all-pervading habit that seeps into every single area of your life.

So even when you do take the rare time off to rest and try and rejuvenate, you don’t seem to rest. Your inner voice and mental process are running rampant with the thoughts you’ve entrained into it, and you just can’t stop focusing on survival and money.

And since likability ensures your survival at a societal level (read more at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/what-is-the-system ), you are constantly making yourself smaller, fitting into a smaller box, and shaving parts of yourself off to be more likable, to not rock the boat, to not cut off the steady supply of income you need to ensure your survival.

And you wonder why you’re unhappy with your life… why you’re depressed?

Money has become your all-consuming master, and it’s conflicting with the changes that are happening inside you.

The best advice I can give you? Surrender - do NOT resist this change.

Yes, there will be upheaval… you may quit your job on the spot - I did a few times. You may have to move somewhere smaller, take a less stressful job, or one closer to home.

You may have to adjust your lifestyle, send your kids to public school, forgo insurances, lose assets… but if that train has started rolling in your life, there’s very little you can do to stop it.

So surrender, because you are only going to cause yourself endless pain - and extend this period for way longer than it needs to be - if you resist it.

I can tell you that you will be grateful it’s all gone on the other side, but the transition will feel like hell at times.

Pain tells you where to look

These elements of life that are causing us unhappiness are there to tell us that there is a problem there.

Society taught us to “not make a fuss”, and to "stick our heads in the sand"… and now we feel compelled to do something about all this.

And this is where you’re most likely going to trip up and have change in this situation be forced onto you…. you’re just gonna get tired of shutting up, sitting down and maintaining the status quo.

As a consummate rebel and shitstirrer, I can tell you that it will feel scary in those moments, and you’re gonna make sudden and impulsive choices just because you are so gatvol (SA word for tired and just plain had enough, translates as “bum/hole full") of the stupid rules and willfully ignorant people.

It’s going to become harder and harder for you as you progress on your journey, to fit in, to care, to believe that any of this actually matters. Because the whole journey is about learning that NONE of this ‘reality' matters at all.

The world is changing and you are changing, and you’re experiencing these things because we’re seeing where the problems lie in the world and in society. It’s designed to bug us, so that we are motivated to change it and do something about it.

You’re growing exponentially at the moment, and in most cases the chasm between you and most people in the ordinary world is increasing daily - it’s harder and harder to understand them and how they choose to live.

This is why so many big souls becomes hermits and remove themselves from secular life.

You are feeling the contrast, conflict and cognitive dissonance of the changes that are happening inside you, and this discomfort with your career or job is about the urgency you feel to start making changes to create a different world.

It’s meant to bug us - otherwise we wouldn’t do anything to fix it.

The growth you experience is going to roll over into your life, and eventually your life will begin to look different. And you will want the ways it looks different.

Many of us are on ascetic paths - and that means eschewing the comforts and luxuries of the secular world, so it’s hard for us to care about money and building wealth and success - and the dark is fighting back by making money more and more important, with the hope that it eclipses anything else we would want to care and think about.

You are changing, and so your life will too.

These feelings you’re having serve only to show you the parts of your life that need attention and change.

It’s a changing world

For a job as big as this, it stands to reason that you’d want strong players on your team - and that happens to be us.

We volunteered for these roles, and we’ve been working our whole lives towards this.

So stuff is gonna annoy us so when we see where problems lie, and then we’ll start doing things to fix them.

This is how we’re gonna change the world.

This pain is just the symptom - it’s not the problem at all.

The pain serves only to make you question what we can do about this, and start finding ways that we can change this.

Focus on that - give up your right to complain about it.

Those moments of trial are tough to go through, but they also offer the greatest opportunity for you to see solutions to these problems.

If you give up your right to complain about it, to be offended, then you make mental space for those answers to arise where the complaints used to live.

WE are the transition team - and we’re here because we can do this.

Just remember NOT to take it personally LOL.

(Of course there’s an article for personalization, thought you’d never ask: http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/personalization-on-the-ego-journey )