#I used to feel so isolated from everyone all the time

[miratastic]

Feyd cockwarming 💡😈

i have so many thoughts about this.

whenever you’re in a particularly subby or small headspace, you love crawling into feyd’s lap and sinking down onto his thick cock. the stretch makes your brain buzz so nicely, makes you feel so floaty and good. feyd is big in all aspects, big cock, big hands, big legs, big everything. your thighs would perch on top of his, one of his hands wrapping itself possessively around your waist while the other rubs your ass. you’d burrow your head in his neck, sucking the skin there to mark him for everyone to see. feyd is big into marking, he likes bruising and biting your pretty skin, and adores it when you do the same. he’d smirk at how far under you are and how you periodically clench around him. it’s hard for feyd to stop himself from desperately fucking up into you. he gives you enough time to destress and relax whilst impaled on him before he goes completely animalistic.

on the other hand, feyd uses cockwarming as a punishment. say you’ve been bad today; you’ve been ignoring him, not listening, you’re touching up the guards more intimately than you have to. feyd doesn’t have a lot of patience, but when it comes to discipline? he can sit there and punish you for hours on end before he so much so as even thinks of fucking you. his favourite way to do it is to get you completely naked while he still has all his clothes on. it’s a humiliation tactic that works wonderfully on you. feyd would force you to sit on his lap, the real punishment being that you aren’t allowed to face him. he places you with your back to his chest, and pries your legs apart so he can force himself into you. he doesn’t prep you (why would he it’s your punishment) and it fucking hurts. on a good night where he’s spent hours dutifully spreading you open so you can take him somewhat comfortably, it still pinches when he slides in. on a night like this, feyd relishes your pained cries and how your legs jerk in his hold from the intrusion.

“stay still,” he’d hiss at you. if you so much so as clenched a little too hard he’d pull himself out and use his belt on you.

feyd would make you sit on his cock for hours. you’re leaking around him, dripping onto his balls and the bedsheets underneath. you’re crying too, you just want to look at him, want to see him. it feels so detached and isolating not being able to face him. no matter how much you cry or how much you plead and apologise, feyd wouldn’t give in. it would hurt him, to keep you in a position like this for so long, but discipline was discipline and if this was the only way to fix your behaviour then he would do it over and over again.

when he finally thinks you’ve had enough, he’d slip himself out, and you’d gush around nothing. he’s throughly split you open, your hole gaping with your arousal. feyd would pick you off his lap and lay you down on his bed. the second you see him again you start crying relieved tears. he’s rock hard and instead of fucking you like you think he will, he fists his cock over your body until he cums, using you as a literal cumdump.

#feyd rautha #feyd rautha harkonnen #dune #feyd imagine #feyd smut #feyd x reader #feyd x you #dune imagine #feyd rautha smut #dune smut #feyd rautha oneshot #feyd rautha imagine #feyd fanfiction #feyd oneshot #dune fanfiction #dune part two #feyd blurb #smut

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Not sure if this theory makes any sense at all but I'm starting to believe that there's no time skip between Wally's phone calls and what we see/hear in the show's Media/Merchandise. If we see the Toyland call being made before the Homewarming episode then it would make sense that Wally's expecting Barnaby to come over soon. As well as the Homewarming sketch from the prior update. (I don't know, still kind of brainstorming this perspective)

that theory Does make sense and i've been considering it! the "timeline" is such a nebulous thing right now because we still... don't really know! there are too many variables and too many Maybes for any solid answer.

maybe the reality that the neighbors live in exists outside of time like you say, and like half of me suspects. there's so much reality fuckery already present, but I'm also... unsure of how much merit this holds given what we know / can infer about how time passes in Home. i'm putting this theory on a low shelf to look at but not prioritize

maybe it really has been 50 years, and Barnaby is either still around / Wally is still in contact with him, or Barnaby... isn't there. who knows, maybe Wally was just verbalizing some Wishful Thinking. i mean, Wally is a bit of an unreliable narrator, isn't he? we can't assume that everything he says is entirely accurate or truthful. and i mean, if it's been 50 years it makes sense that Wally would be pushing for connection / to revive WH. who knows how long he's been trying.

hm... i mean. it could be a mix of that and the Outside Of Time theory. who knows, maybe W is receiving calls from different points in the timeline - Wally may have started out just calling, and has just graduated to invading the WH website / getting pushy with the envelopes and media that's been sent to the WHRP. maybe Wally got tired of waiting for W to respond before W was even born. who's to say!

#i mean. idk the emphasis wally puts on Its So Quiet makes my brain tilt its head #it feels like wally breaking composure before he pastes the Facade back on with '-during homewarming' #that and just the way he phrased 'everyones usually so busy so its just me and home for a long while' #Usually so busy. Usually. why not Always? or Is? #usually. #and then the 'its just me and home for a long while' #the phrasing here has Connotations i think! #homebogging #welcome home speculation #wh speculation #OF COURSE. I HAVE TO DEBUNK MYSELF! #what we hear / see from Wally is - ironically - more genuine than the WHRP's or W's recovered media (save the eddie excerpts) #the WH media shows us the ideal homewarming - where everyone is getting into the spirit and spending time together and the like #but then wally could be telling us what homewarming is Really like - lonely. quiet. #WHICH MAKES SENSE THEMATICALLY! and it mirrors how christmas time is. its marketed as this joyful thing that brings people together #when in reality its lonely and stressful. i know i certainly never feel more lonely than i do at that time of year! #so there's just. layers. right now im simultaneously believing in the time discrepancy And them existing outside of time #im leaning on the first one but you know! #BUT!!! IM CONFIDENT THAT THE HOMEWARMING WALLY WAS CALLING FROM WAS NOT THE ONE WE SAW IN THE UPDATE. #wally spoke with enough familiarity about the time of year to make me think 'hes lived through many of these hasnt he' #it could be that time Has passed for the neighbors and its been many homewarmings. #it could be that it Started as what the commercials/update showed us. #but as time passed maybe it became a time where everyone just... Isolates for one reason or another. so now it's just quiet and lonely #im still rolling it all around in my head! many factors and implications to consider w/ this update! #Take All Of This With A Grain Of Salt As Usual!

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[sysig]

Size difference.png (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Crackship #Teisel #Meme #I am on a roll with these lol #I knew adding Teisel to my list was only a matter of time #I am a weakwilled individual with one fatal flaw #Anyway (lol) #ZEX really has his work cut out for him with Teisel haha - it's very fortunate he's so determined and enjoys a challenge 'cause otherwise! #Teisel is hard to pin down - I mean Other Than That lol - he's an interesting guy :0 #Rough around the edges and a family man ♪ And if I get to draw long hair and big muscles then all the better hehe #And he has a cute nose! He has the bridge of the nose thing that I like so much!! Yes!! #As for the rest of him - hm! I've only had passing thoughts up to this point and getting into his head is...Something lol #It's well done to be certain it definitely Makes Me Feel it's just hard to ascribe a name to that Feeling just yet #Needs a bit more time to tumble smooth I suppose lol #One thing I know I like because it makes me sad - lol - is ZEX projecting some of his feelings about DAX onto Teisel - unexpected! #It's extremely interesting how despite his deep abiding love and fascination with Otherness he's gotten increasingly homesick #Finding things charming about humans that remind him of VUX! You can tell he's a bit desperate for the familiar :'0 #So isolated from even himself ah 💔 Hang in there ZEX! #At least he has some fun distractions hehe ♪ New things to learn and consider! Teisel keeps throwing him curveballs! #Both of them circling each other like ''? Isn't it your turn?'' lol #They both come off as aggressive in their own way and then swing-and-a-miss lol #And then there's how Teisel frames him as far as age goes - or really how everyone does pffft #It is So funny to me every time anyone refer to ZEX as ''old'' now that his age has been more or less established - at least pointed at #The fact that he might not even be in his human-equivalent 50s what is this who this lol he's not old! And Max /definitely/ isn't haha #He is the slightest itty-bittiest willowiest little twink y'ever did see pfft #I have been waiting to use that meme template for someone for ages I am so glad that I finally got the chance ♪

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!! #like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha) #is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress) #and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us) #whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

[manicpixiedreambens]

but honestly what’s the fucking point of anything anymore

#my therapist would be disappointed in me #the good one anyway #because on one hand we’re not supposed to chase approval from people because that’s really caustic #But on the other hand we aren’t supposed to isolate ourselves from all human contact forever by assuming everyone hates us #but like… what is there to like? #Every single time I’m reminded that I beat to a different drum and while that’s okay #People cannot keep track of what I’m playing #or they just don’t like my songs #Probably because I suck #And I guess that’s fine in the end because we all die alone anyway unless we decide to do something about it #But it makes you feel a sense of ennui when you realize everything is so hollow #A real call of the void feeling #these are thoughts

[navramanan]

So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again

#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends #i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together #i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it #and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school #and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way #anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it #it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this #i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two #(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both #but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles #so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club #i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it #i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group #it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them #a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate #it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating #i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me #anyways enough of that now bye #nesi rants

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[meatriarchived]

i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );

can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.

but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.

you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,

that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.

that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.

and in that moment everything seems solidified.

you're never getting away.

there's no point in it.

there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.

you're dead.

not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.

what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?

who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?

the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.

#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the #broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill. #who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to #do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of #connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated. #*so* fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you. #you speaks with you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist #like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion. #but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living. #and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then? #for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now. #why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now? #in nosy she suppresses it with her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came bac #20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? #[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { cold case. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { no one saved you. } #[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { we saved us. }

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

why is it so much worse knowing how many people out there want me (& everyone in this body) dead cause we don't feel empathy than knowing about the ones who want the same cause we're trans

#i mean i guess it's cause we live in a bubble where most people we know are trans #n the whole 'empathy makes us human' thing is a rly popular opinion in the more progressive circles #i guess it's. just another item in the long list of traits that might make us subhuman to others #we don't even have it as bad as people w/ like aspd n stuff. it's a lot easier to hide for us #usually will come off as social awkwardness instead #but every time there's a video going around the mainstream sm where someone w/ low/no empathy talks about how their mind works #the majority of the comments are just so. dehumanizing. like we're some rabid animals that need to be put down for public safety #n i guess causw it's so inherently linked to whatever it is about our wiring that makes us so. different from almost everyone else. #why we can't seem to connect w/ people n why we feel so fucking isolated all the time #like we just came out wrong n there's no fixing it #& the way we've lately come to understand more how much dmg our mother prevented w/ her parenting #but also how much of it that stuck coulda been prevented if she'd had the tools & safe environment #i don't even mean like. the trauma shit. but the things that needed to be noticed n steered into a different direction when we were small #instead of us wreaking havoc up to our late teens when we finally connected some dots that most people have connected from birth #though i think most of the usual ways of correcting it are more or less abusive. there's ones that aren't but idk how accessible that info #woulda been 20+ years ago #anyway it just really sucks how our fb feed tries to give us some light informative vids on people w/ similar experiences in some areas #n the comments are 80% ppl throwing around diagnoses they don't understand #n holding us responsible for everything their shitty abusive ex/parent/boss did #n literally sayin shit like 'people like this are better off dead' #not very good for my mental health #even though i don't give much more value to those people than they put on ones like me #spdrvent

[diabolicjoy]

.

#warning there’s too many typos but who cares #i’m always complaining to myself in my head about how me & my best friend have grown apart #we’ve spent all out teenage years doing everything together even though we weren’t from the same school #we’d still find ways to see each other if not every day then at least every month #& since she started college & then a relationship & then work we’ve just grown apart & it was embarrassing for me really because i was alwa #ys the depressed never busy always alone type & i always ended up felt clingy when asking to hang out #feeling* #specially because she’s a social butterfly & i’m the one who has social anxiety lol but it was always reassuring to have her by my side #during these social events #then the pandemic happened & after things went back to normal.. i can actually count on my finger how many times we’ve seen each other irl #also stopped texting each other which is an important detail considering we used to talk every single day #especially because she’s like. literally the only person i feel comfortable opening up abt things i wouldn’t tell anyone #so i just feel isolated & a bit lost in life without her presence in it... but i’m just a very insecure human & always feel like the plans #& little dates & things i come up & plan for us to do is just... super boring to her (or anyone else) #so i stopped trying completely. which is sad because i miss her immensely #but last november i went to a festival with some friends but felt super stressed on the first day but tried to hide it from everyone #because i don’t wanna ruin the whole trip by being moody so i just kept to myself #ended up feeling overwhelmed & on day2 of the festival we txt each other bc she’s gonna be there #so i just spent the entire day2 with her & her partner & we all had such an amazing time... it really revitalized me lol #& everything felt so familiar even though i hadn’t seen her since her bday in may.. #& idk i just missed her. i always felt like this lack of talking & seeing each other just meant that they didnt like me as a friend anymore #or that i wasn’t worth keeping around... idk i’m always expecting the worse which is so unfair to the other person #i know she loves me & that life happens #anyway all that to say that i decided to stop being a pussy & stop mopping around #crying abt how i’m alone & friendless. & like. just text them & invite invite them to see a movie or something #idk if it didn’t work our 2 years ago life happens i am trying again #i won’t find someone like them that easily again in life i think

[paeonie-s]

genuinely so emo abt the fact that i have friends who want to do stuff w me now omg

#i was v scared for college bc i have had. such awful luck w finding ppl who want to do things w me #the closest friendship ive ever had was online lol and even that ended w me being ignored and pushed away so its a v foreign experience for #other ppl to v openly. enjoy my company and continously invite me to things just bc they want me to be there #like ik a good part of that is everyone trying to not be lonely as shit these first couple weeks but all of the friends im referring to #were part of a summer program where they got to show up like 6 weeks early and so they already have friends and ppl to hang out w #so its still rly cool that i showed up made friends w like 2 of them and now 3 weeks later im having to actively plan time to do hw and #watch my shows and stuff bc im being invited to eat and walk around and watch movies and do things all the time #shit is surreal !! im so grateful esp when my suggestions for things to do are well recieved like today alone i invited some of them #to go to the barnes and noble opening in a town near us next month + to a open house at our states observatory. and other ppl were actually #excited to learn abt those. its insane im so used to being ignored and treated like the things i care abt dont matter i love life rn omg #ppl are so cool and interesting sometimes i still feel like i am the most boring person in the room bc i never had the time money location #or motivation to explore a ton of my interests but when i tell ppl abt that feeling theyre like bitch me too !!! lets go snowboard and hike #and have observing nights and paint and dress up for halloween together and its makes me so happy. that is all #actually one more thing i was initially thinking abt dressing up as asa csm (which is. already an improvement from younger me feeling so #isolated she avoided dressing up for halloween for a decade bc she never felt close enough to go w anyone) BUT NOW im a part of a 2 month #old plan for like a dozen ppl to dress up as monster high girls AND im gonna be draculaura. literally such a slay i cant #🌸.txt

[mrfoox]

.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :

#miranda talking shit #I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah #Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much #Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ... #The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break #... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me #Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ... #I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah... #I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot' #Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude. #I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game #And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i #Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to #Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially... #I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but... #I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides #I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop #Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3 #Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time #So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time

[medicinemane]

Seriously, it would be a mercy to kill me. I'm begging for help dying. Do you not see why it's fucking torture to keep my alive while living with her? I'll never escape her, like there's just no practical way to make it happen

And yet, till I get my act together and find a way to die already, show must go on

#you can't stand still; no matter how miserable you are there's shit you got to do #lord knows I'm bad at it and it takes me forever; I'm not even close to good enough or getting enough done #but still... I slowly work at it and occasionally do things like get rid of the trailer by myself #and in return I get lovely anons telling me to stop using my one point of socialization and to go get some help #my misery repulses them and I really need to fix it before I get back on the internet #and I'm so sleep deprived and in so much pain from having to be a therapist today; especially with how bad it was today #that I'll just be blunt that if I could distill every bit of pain I feel #I'd fucking seep it into people's bones when they say shit like that #I want to see how you deal with it; I want to see if you writhe just by living my life #I've told you all so many times that I'm bitter and cruel and that you only don't see it because I'm polite #there's a reason I identify so much with Soulcutter as a sword #and it's because I'd call it the sword of depression almost as much as I'd call it the Tyrant Blade or Sword of Despair #the way it's described; like it drains the will out of you meaning that even the idea of holding it aloft becomes tiring #...I could fucking wield it; I know how #that's not a blade you draw; you rest your hand on the hilt and let the misery eat into everyone carving them up #and you realize how pointless it is to even bother keeping your hand there and let it go limp and slide off #and frankly if I had it I'd be real tempted to carve a path of despair through the world... especially anywhere policy makers were #I'll work with everything I have to make sure no one ever feels like me; or as few people and make them feel as little of it #but it would be a lie to say I didn't want to force you all to feel it exactly as I feel it #then you come back to me and tell me all the ways I'm not doing enough and need to fix my depression this way or that way #you feel the decades of total isolation and you tell me if I'm doing as badly as you've decided I am

[bubblegumbeyotch]

.

#whyyyyy am i so annoyed and pessimistic all the timeeeee #like a friend invited me out and was talking about potential places to go #and i was like ugh all of these places sound like a hassle and i just wanna stay in my house #and not go anywhere or do anything #like idk when my attitude shifted like this bc i used to be super social #but it feels like nowadays i only want to be alone #or at most in the company of like maybe one or two people #everything just feels so overwhelming and like a lot of things are objectively going right in my life #for the first time in a long time #and i feel like an asshole because it’s like damn bitch this still won’t make you happy? #like i finally have a stable job and a loving relationship and i still find ways to make myself miserable #and i just feel like an ungrateful bitch #how do i stop being so fucking irritable? how do i stop being insufferable to be around? #like i feel rude bc im always leaving plans early and i always feel so out of it while im out with people #like i’m just a spectator and then people expect me to participate in whatever’s going on #and i have to work so hard just to act like a regular fucking person #who isn’t seething and grappling with some unknowable thing under the surface #and of course i realize i am not unique in this at all. everyone’s going through something #but i guess i just feel bad bc it’s affecting my relationships #like i feel so isolated from everyone and so reluctant to open up #and like how do i be like hey sorry man im not avoiding you bc i hate you i just feel unfit for human consumption right now #like what does that even mean? #anyway i don’t wanna go to work. im so tired #personal