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ariespageofbreath · 6 years

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Monster Summer Mash: Naps and Lazy Days

Fourth entry!! Tbh these will all probably be either art or reader inserts lol. Anyways, once again, could be platonic or not, up to you, reader is gender neutral, and it's with Swapfell Papy (you decide which version lol)!

Edit: Fixed the paragraphing issues lol. Dunno why that was a problem in the first place.

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Summer has always been your lazy season. The warmth of the sun makes you slow and lethargic, content to lounge around your hours sleeping or relaxing. You get more days off, so you can stay up as late as you want without repercussions, or just binge-watch whatever show holds your fancy.

And even though most of your human and monster friends are notorious busy-bodies and athletes, you’re a well-known couch potato. So your friends understand when you turn down a day at the beach, or to go to the movies, or-ugh-running. This year, you’re staying in more than usual. This whole year has been astonishingly stressful, and you wanted a nice, long break to recuperate.

So you wanted to spend most of your time at home, doing little things to make you happy and pass the time. You feel bad turning down your friends so often, but you know you wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much right now.

Or maybe that's just your excuse. Who knows.

You’re in the middle of binge-watching yet another series on Netflix, eating potato chips on the couch, when your phone goes off. You grunt, scrambling up to pause your show and grab your phone. You don’t bother to check the caller ID before answering. “Y’ello?”

“knock knock,” comes the raspy tenor of your best friend, Papyrus.

You snort, completely forgetting that he can’t see your eye roll from the other side of the phone. Still, you decide to humor him, drily replying, “Who’s there?”

Someone rings your doorbell, briefly distracting you until he chuckles. “me.”

Paling, you glance down at yourself. Thanks to a malfunctioning AC and too-hot weather, you’ve been chilling in a tank top and a pair of underwear in the dark all day. You’re also sweaty and you’ve got crumbs of food littering your body. Cringe. “Uh, hold that thought, buddy, I gotta go make myself presentable.”

“psh. you know i don’t care about that,” he states, unaware of you rushing into your bedroom.

It’s true, he’s the chillest dude you know, and of all your friends, he’s the least likely to judge you for your current state. But still! “Yeah, well I do. Go ahead and come in, I’m taking a quick shower. You know where the food and stuff is.”

“thanks doll.” There’s a weird noise, presumably him teleporting into your living room. You hear him snort. “wow, you weren’t kidding. have you even moved at all this week?”

Betrayal! You trusted him not to judge you! Scowling, you huff, “Speak for yourself, kettle. If it weren’t for Sans, you’d never get up at all.” You collect a towel and a change of clothes from your bed, heading to the attached bathroom. “Make fun of my life choices later, I’m hanging up now.”

Despite your threat, you still wait long enough for him to chuckle and return the farewell before you hang up with a smile. You duck into the bathroom, taking the shortest, coldest shower possible while still getting clean. You might linger just a little longer to enjoy the cold before climbing out again. You get dressed just as quickly, leaving the towel around your shoulders to catch the water.

When you emerge into your living room, you find that he’s taken over your couch and your TV. You snort when you see what’s on. Traipsing over, you lean on the back of the couch to smirk down at his sprawled form. “Horror movies, Goldie? Aren’t you a little young?”

“older than you, whippersnapper,” he drawls, barely shifting to look up at you. The sharp gold of his canines catch the light as he raises a brow bone at you challengingly. “what’s’a matter, sweetheart? afraid of the boogeyman?” He makes a point of leering at you threateningly.

“Please. The boogeyman is sitting on my couch, and I’ve seen him cry like a baby when he’s drunk. I’ve stopped being afraid of him. His older brother’s the one who spooks me,” you tease, reaching out to flick his forehead.

He swats you away, pretending to be offended even as he smiles. He places one hand dramatically on his sternum. “really? You’re more afraid of sans than me?” When you nod, grinning, he drops the act, crossing his hands behind his head. “good call. have you seen his workout plan?” Cue dramatic shiver.

You chuckle, shaking you head at his antics. “No kidding.” You reach down again to swat at his knee. “Move over, Mr. Boogeyman, you’re hogging the couch.”

For a moment, it seems like he’s actually considering it, but then his familiar smug smirk is back. He stretches his already-too-long legs farther, sinking lower into the couch. “nah. think i like it the way i am.”

“I will sit on you,” you threaten, though it isn’t really much of a threat. Not only is he stronger than you, he has magic, so if he wanted you to move, you’d move.

He was also evil and knew all your ticklish spots, but you digress.

Papyrus simply continues to smirk, once again raising his brow bone. You shrug, giving him a “you asked for it” look. Without further ado, you clamber over the couch, landing directly on him. He lets out a little grunt, reaching up to stabilize you. You half-expect him to make some stupid remark about sitting on his lap, but he simply grins at you like this was his plan all along.

Actually, when you think about it, it probably was.

You don’t have time to ponder. Keeping one sharp hand on your back, Papyrus uses the other to fish the remote off the ground and restart the movie. You lean back, getting comfortable on his semi-rigid body, and you settled into an easy silence. Occasionally, you’ll feel his hand twitch, thumb rubbing your back.

The movie is boring and predictable, an old number you’ve seen a ton of times, so you pass the time making fun of how bad it is. Some of the jumpscares still get you, however, and Papyrus won’t stop mocking you for it.

Somehow, it turns into a horror movie marathon. You’re half-way through a second one-one you’ve never seen, but Papyrus has-when the hand on your back sides up to your shoulder, lightly tugging on you. You give him a curious look, so he pauses the movie to speak to you. “mind layin’ down, doll? Pressure’s kinda gettin’ to my ribs.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” you agree without pause, shifting as carefully as you can so you’re on your side in front of him, back to his chest. Papyrus drapes his arm over your side, curling slightly to pull you closer. “That better?” you murmur, and are rewarded with a quiet grumble.

Snorting, you take control of the remote and unpause the movie. For a while you’re both quite again, watching the action play out. His fingers graze your stomach occasionally, just firm enough so it doesn’t tickle. Despite it still being hot out, you don’t feel too warm-he’s the perfectly cool temperature.

It’s not until the sixth movie, as you’re beginning to doze off, that Papyrus speaks up in a quiet voice. “missed doin’ this, doll. you ain’t been around lately.”

You bite your lip, guilt settling in. Papyrus has been a constant source of comfort and support this whole year, and yet so far you’d practically ditched him. You stare at the carpet, frowning. “I’m sorry, Paps. I’ve been kind of a crap friend lately. I just wanted some time to myself to just… recharge, you know? I really should have hung out with you guys more.”

“that’s not what i’m sayin’, sweetheart,” he chuckled, sitting up slightly and leaning over to make eye contact. His sockets are soft. “there’s nothin’ wrong with takin’ time off to relax. take all the time in the world, i ain’t goin’ anywhere.” He gave you a little squeeze, suddenly looking a little nervous. “y’know we don’t, uh, have to go anywhere, right? t’hang out? if you’re feelin’ a little drained, y’know, we can always just chill here or at my place, doin’ what we’re doin’. i jus’... heh, sounds a ittle selfish, but i uh. i miss seein’ ya.”

You can’t help but laugh a little, touched. Count on Papyrus to be so understanding but bashful. You reach up, gently touching his cheekbone to give him an honest smile. “Thanks, Papy. i’d love to do this more often. I miss you too, Mr. Boogeyman.”

He snorts affectionately, relaxing again. “glad m’ not the only one. jus’ remember that i care about ya’, an’ i wanna see you be happy, okay?” You nod, and he smirks, back to his normal self. “great. now enough of this mushy crap, let’s get back to blood’n’guts.”

You chortle, sinking back into his hold. He presses his face into your neck, not even bothering to pretend to watch the movie, and within moments he’s snoring. Though you leave the TV on, it doesn’t take you long to follow him.

Outside, birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and on days like these, lazybones like you… Are happily napping with their best friends.

#Monstersummermash #event #UTSS #raffle entry #entry #fourth #papyrus #reader insert #I'll make corrections tomorrow lol

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meepface · 7 years

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these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!!

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

#this was as expected.... very therapeutic #i recommend answerin these #helps u figure urself out #anywho #like if ya read #about me #long post

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justfandomimagines1 · 7 years

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I Walk The Line / Adam Cole - Chapter 10

\A/N: Here it is guys! Again, I’m sosososososo sorry that this chapter took forever to come out and I hope you guys like it!! Special shout out to @sammiielli and @tooweirdforlifex for the inspiration and help with this chapter love you guys also this is written for it to be around the holidays too so all the christmas feels tbh and i just figured how to add gifs before the fic too !!!

TAG SQUAD: @amaranthine-reign @alexahood21 @iloveenzoamore @thedeboniardevistation @lifeoutofcontrol @superkixbaybay @bulletbaybay @valeonmars @linoki @wrestlewriting

Christmas Eve the most exciting and dreaded day of the year. It was only dreaded for the amount of crappy situations for last minute travelers; which is why I was sat between Matt and his wife. The three of us were setting up the kitchen like a buffet. “Thanks for letting Adam and I crash here.” I mumbled as I stacked the festive plates. “It’s no problem at all, sweetie. We’re glad you guys could stay.” Dana grinned up at me, as she straightened out all the dishes. “You and your man woulda been stuck at the airport anyway.” Matt smirked, his smirk only growing as he saw my cheeks flush pink and I rolled my eyes. “Adam is in no way shape or form ‘my man’.” I muttered, before padding back into the living room.

I giggled at the sight of Kourtney tugging on Adam’s hair, I could hear her quietly whining about how Adam wasn’t compromising about scooting down so she could play with all of his hair. I smiled softly as I got to the couch, before scooping up baby Zachary. “Uncle Adam, please!” Kourtney whined, as she stomped her sock covered foot on the floor, an adorable pout etching on her face with even more adorable puppy dog eyes. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from giggling, as I continued to play with Zachary. “Something funny back there, Addison?” Adam called over his shoulder as he finally gave in, tugging his long hair from his bun; shaking out his hair. My smile only grew wider as she began tugging and twisting his hair around.

After watching Adam play with Kourtney for awhile, Dana made her way out to us, coffees for all of us. Plopping down on the couch next to me as she sipped her’s, “He’s really good with kids.” She huffed out, shooting me a grin. “Yeah I want a couple one day... If I met the right woman.” He smiled, looking directly at me causing my whole face to redden. I quickly broke eye contact with him as I reached for my coffee. “You know most people have already met their future spouse by like the time they hit their twenties.” Matt pointed out with a smirk, rolling my eyes as I looked over at him. “Then you’d think we’d both be in serious relationships then huh?” I quipped, an eye brow arched. “One would think.” Dana smirked as she looked from Adam to me. I snorted as I sipped my coffee. “Something funny Addison?” Adam repeated again, locking eyes with mine. “Your face, blue eyes.” I muttered.

A few hours had passed and Matt and Dana’s house was slowly filling up with their family, Adam and I stood off to the side. A random drink in each of our hands. “You know you look really adorable by a Christmas tree.” Adam smirked, his arm slung over my shoulder as I rolled my eyes a blush creeping across my cheeks. “Shut up Cole.” I muttered, leaning up against him more, nuzzling my face against the side of his chest. He only chuckled, rubbing my arm gently as he pressed me even closer to him. His body heat swarming around me along with the overwhelming smell of his cologne. “Look at the love birds over there.” Nick teased, a smirk on his face. I inwardly groaned as I buried my face into Adam’s chest. I could hear Nick chuckle as Adam wrapped both of his arms around me, his hands resting against my lower back. “He’s just kidding, Munch.” He mumbled as he rubbed my back softly. I only nodded before pushing away from him and padding into the kitchen where Dana and Ellen were talking about their trip to Japan. “I see you were able to peel yourself from Adam’s side.” Dana smirked as I rolled my eyes. “You all act like we’re joined at the hip.” I huff, leaning against the counter, as I sipped my drink. “Wait, you two aren’t?” Ellen taunted, with a giggle.

“C’mon he’s so in love with you, Addy.” She quickly added. I blushed again, biting down on the inside of my cheek. “He’s not in love with me, we’re just friends.” I grumbled, folding my arms over my chest. “Friends who room together, share a bed, cuddle constantly, and spend all of their time together.” Ellen pointed out, as Dana nodded her head confirming every point Ellen had made. “You both give each other the look too.” Dana quickly added. My mouth fell open in shock, my arms unfolding themselves before landing on my hips. “I d-do not give A-Adam any kind of ‘look’.” I stuttered, I was sure my face at this point was stained a deep red. “You know damn well what look, Addy.” Ellen huffed, as she rolled her eyes. “The ‘I’m-so-in-love-with-you-so-please-don’t-break-my-heart’ look.” Dana huffed, I rolled my eyes again. “Alright, whatever you two say.” I huffed, holding my hands up in defense.

I sat on the couch between Matt and Nick, watching as the four little kids played on the floor. “So when will you and Adam be professing your love for each other?” Nick teased as he slung his arm over my shoulders and I rolled my eyes. “You mean when no one says anything to anyone because Adam and I are just best friends?” I reminded him, as I looked up in time to see Adam disappear into another room. “You mean when you two eventually kiss and in three years at the Massie holiday party you’ll be pregnant with Adam’s kid and happily married to him?” Matt chuckled with a smirk as I blushed. “Not gonna happen Mattie.” I sighed, patting his back with a smile

I stood off to the side a red solo cup filled with a diet soda clutched in my hand, as I watched Addison settled herself between Nick and Matt. Her multicolored hair, somehow twinkling in the dimly lit living room. I watched as Nick slung his arm over her bare shoulders, her deep blue strapless dress hugging her body, before flaring out at her waist. She had ditched her heels hours ago, only keeping them on long enough to take a few pictures here and there. I smiled as I watched her throw her head back and laugh. “You really love her, huh?” I heard from beside me and I jumped a little at the sudden sound. “What?” I mumbled, as I looked beside me and saw Dana standing there and sipping a soda. “You love Addison.” She repeated with a knowing smile and I huffed before nodding as I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. “Always have.” I sighed, leaning against the wall, Dana laughed. “So tell her.” She stated matter of factly. As if it was the easiest thing in the goddamn world to tell the girl you’ve been in love with since like the third grade, that you were in fact still madly in love with her. “Ain’t that easy.” I shrugged, glancing over at her as I sipped my drink. She only rolled her eyes, “Stop being such a pussy, and tell her that you’re in love with her.” She muttered, as she clapped me on my shoulder before walking away towards the rest of the people.

I let out a sigh before making my way into the less crowded den room and sat down on the couch before pulling out my phone and settling to play a distracting game. The quiet was a small relief to the loudness of the holiday party a couple feet from where I had plopped down. “Whatcha doin’ in here?” A small voice asked from behind me on the couch and I felt her arms hug my neck from behind as she leaned over the back of the couch. Her head leaning against mine. I only shrugged, “Just needed some peace, Munch.” I told her, as she walked around the couch, and plopped down next to me, letting out a breathy sigh of relief. “You sure? I saw you and Dana talking and then you looked like you got upset and then you like left the room.” She said softly, her voice thick with worry, as she settled herself under my arm, her head against my side and I smiled to myself. “I’m fine, Adds. You know if I wasn’t you’d be the first person I’d tell.” I reminded her, as I glanced down at her, she looked back at me quizzically. “I know, but still.” She huffed, before laying her head back on my with a small smile.

“You know I think this is the first Chrismas Eve we’ve spent not at my mom’s place.” I laughed softly, and she nodded. Every Christmas Eve since Addy and I were little we spent it together, her family at my house with a few of my cousins and we’d all hang out together. Except for one Christmas Eve she’d ended up spending it with some guy who like four months later broke her goddamn heart. She cried a shit ton those first two weeks of April, and who was the bestest best friend possible? Me. I brought her all of her comfort foods, I got her out the house, I beat the guy up for her but she doesn’t know that. “First Christmas Eve that we haven’t would up in your room hiding from our family while getting trashed.” She added, as she looked up at my, a small playful smile etched on her face. I chuckled before glancing down at her and kissing her forehead she sucked in a deep breath as her eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips and I subconsciously bit down on my bottom lip. “Adam.” She whispered, and I raised an eye brow in question.

“Guys come on, we’re doing Christmas Eve pres- Oh!” Matt called as he walked into the room. Addy and I jumped apart and she started fixing her hair so it flowed over her one shoulder and I cleared my throat. “Yeah, uh-coming.” She stuttered, her whole face flushed red in embarrassment. She quickly stood and darted from the room. “What’s going on in here man?” Matt questioned, arms folded over his chest and a knowing smirk plastered on his face and I groaned. “Nothing, you ruined the moment.” I muttered, annoyance clear in my voice, as I stood from the couch and turned to leave. “Are you saying that you two were about to make out on my couch?” Matt taunted and I rolled my eyes, before darting past him and into the other room, and quickly sat on the floor between Kourtney and Zach.

#adam cole #adam cole fanfic #adam cole baybay #adam cole imagine #bullet club #bullet club imagine #i walk the line #matt jackson #nick jackson #roh #roh imagine #matt jackson imagine #nick jacksom imagine #christmassy af #roh fanfic #adam cole bay

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chikotos · 7 years

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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, 4.14.2007 + 4.15.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week. today: buttrock confessions

4.14.2007

40) "Ticks," Brad Paisley

So I watched the whole entire CMAs instead of Game 7 of the World Series and don't regret a single choice I made (the game went into extras, you don’t really have to watch baseball until the ninth inning tbh), and it struck me how much of a dorky theatre kid Brad Paisley was. He's objectively a great guitarist, like hokey as this song is and as little I know about music I think that's a dope fucking guitar line, but gosh darn, he was trying so hard the whole time at those CMAS! And that puts a song like this in perspective, because, like I said, it's hokey as fuck, but if you can just understand that Brad Paisley's sense of humor is that of someone who understands that being funny is a way to be Liked and is trying his best to be Liked, it sort of comes together and you can brush it off.

75) "We Takin' Over," DJ Khaled ft./T.I., Akon, Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Lil' Wayne, Baby

FUCK DUDE LIL' WAYNE USED TO BE GOOD. Like OK I think we all know I wanted to come here and be like "look at the humble beginnings of the meme man! He wasn't such a meme in these days!" but then there was a Lil' Wayne verse where he wasn't fucking around with Auto-tune, he was just rapping, and he was such a good fucking rapper that I'm actually angrier at the two "verses" he had on those Nicki Minaj songs a couple weeks back. It's not even one of his more notable verses, I don't think, it was just a normal 10-year-old Wayne verse, but I'm still here like, what a treat, a Lil' Wanye feature I don't mind! How lucky we were in 2007!

78) "Little Wonders," Rob Thomas

it is good to remember things that are nice! the lyric video i watched for this song ended with this message from the editor: "Believe in yourself, follow your dreams, and never, EVER give up =)." i would have much rather someone had just repeated those words over and over for three and a half minutes than listened to this song. DANNY ELFMAN?! fuck are you doing here, danny elfman? are you lost?

79) "Hey There Delilah," Plain White T's

There is nothing I could say about this song that would be worth saying.

82) "I Tried," Bone Thugs-N-Harmony ft./Akon

a'ight, see, now i feel better about bumping pink and jordan pruitt from the top 20, because it won't be some buttrock heroes what bumps 'em, it'll be a legit impressive, heartfelt song. i'm kinda surprised i don't remember this! now i just gotta contend with the fact most of both top 20s are gonna be dudes. but like most of these songs are dudes. this week is all dudes. next week is a 7:2 dude-to-lady ratio. last week was 2:1. maybe less dudes? idk, recency bias is doin' work, but at least two weeks from now, we're gonna get some dope tunes.

87) "Get Buck," Young Buck

HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING BEAT THE TUBA HAS NEVER HAD A BETTER DAY IN ITS LIFE. OK, this is the first 2007 track I think has been unjustifiably forgotten by time. “Say OK” hit me, but I think that was just a moment for me. This is objectively a classic, this fucking beat, man. Young Buck doesn't add a ton to the proceedings, but he doesn't ruin anything, his gruff, shouty flow is perfect for the beat, and I'll admit, I got a dark chuckle out of the "I can serve Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown" line. This was fuckin' rad, y'all, the best "new to me" song I've heard so far. Seriously this beat, how have we not found a better home for it, how did no one else latch onto it. A strong silver medalist in the "Southern rap songs with the word 'buck' in the title" category.

89) "A Woman's Love," Alan Jackson

Alan Jackson, last seen walking out on Beyonce's performance at the CMAs, is here singing a jaunty tune about how one time he fucked.

91) "Love Today," MIKA

i mean it's just a good song, man, i dunno. i'm allowed to just say when a song is solid and something i can jam to, right, when i don't think i have anything to justify? it's low-rent scissor sisters. I'LL TAKE THAT ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. solid week.

95) "Forever," Papa Roach

...oh goddamnit i love this song. No, you don't... Lemme explain. I need to explain, so lemme. So, I listened to a lot of the local buttrock station in my teens, because that's what the radio at the auto shop where I worked was always tuned to, was 93X. And, I dunno, there's a lot of bullshit I forgot and a lot of shit too horrible to purge from the mind, I've heard the acoustic version of Staind's "Outside" more times than any man ever should, but there were some songs where the Stockholm Syndrome hit, and you were like, "Well, maybe Chevelle isn't ALL bad." This was definitely the point where I was like, "Hey, this is the one decent Papa Roach song!" I was legit angry when I realized this was that song, I forgot I ever loved a Papa Roach song, I was 10000% sure this was a cover because there was no way I was going to go anywhere but IN on this song, but no, this is a song I shouted in the shower at least five times. I'm so disappointed in myself right now, but... But, yeah, this is, I can’t quite place where they cribbed the verses from but they cribbed well, the chorus is shouty and fake-deep like all the great buttrock songs, and I love that ending, the “one last kiss” thing over that bass line, without reservation. We have to be true to who we were, and who we are is never fully removed from who we were. I hate this. I hate having to admit this. THE ONE PAPA ROACH SONG I FUCK WITH, AND IT HAS TO BE PART OF THIS PROJECT. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT A KENDRICK LAMAR SONG SOON, AND HERE I AM, FUCKING WITH A PAPA ROACH SONG, THROWING MY CRITICAL AUTHORITY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER.

97) "Breath," Breaking Benjamin

I have less reservations about loving a Breaking Benjamin song, though, because Breaking Benjamin wasn't fake-deep like Papa Roach. ("My feelings for you are forever." God, that's stupid. I love a very stupid thing.) No, Breaking Benjamin was legit dark, they were a buttrock band I knew was OK because my friend who ended up going to a semi-prestigious art high school of some renown was into them. Is it the same song as "The Diary of Jane?" Yeah, kinda, there's more than a little resemblance, "THE DIARY OF JANE" IS A LEGIT GREAT SONG AND BITING THAT SONG IS A SMART MOVE.

At least Papa Roach couldn’t crack the Top 20. 2007: gaining strength! 20) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 19) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 18) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 17) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 16) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 15) "I Tried," by Bone Thugs 'n Harmony (4.21.2007) 14) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 13) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 12) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 11) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.21.2007) 10) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 9) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 8) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 7) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 6) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 5) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.21.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.15.2017

22) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar

I mean, with the way I do this thing, everything that's been said about this song has been said, and I'm hella late to the party, trying to get another round of Pin the Tail on the Donkey started. "You didn't have fun without me, I'm about to have fun WITH you!" No Bob! we already played that game Bob!. "BLINDFOLD ME!" I think it's vitally important that Kendrick Lamar remind everyone that he's the best MC alive right now, because he is, and gosh, he just fucking raps for four minutes. Barely a hook, just Kendrick Lamar verses and flows for a solid four minutes, and I'm really curious how many rappers could sustain a song for four (mostly) uninterrupted minutes just on their own. Minimalist production, it's just your voice and your words. I'd put Danny Brown in that category, but it'd be a bleak-ass four minutes. I want to put Killer Mike in that category, but I have to think there's a reason he works best in a duo. I'd want to listen to what four minutes of undiulted Young Thug would sound like?, but more out of curiosity than belief in his ability. And I mean Kendrick's the only one in the popular consciousness who could do it, no fuckin’ question, there's no one in the mainstream rap world anywhere NEAR his level. (Kendrick Lamar is barely mainstream, of course, and that fact is a source of much consternation on this song, like there's no way the entire Kendrick album breaks the Hot 100 like the entire Drake album did, but he was in a Tay Tay song the one time and that's enough.) Just listening to Kendrick Lamar rap is one of the most thrilling songs I've heard for YAS 2017. Honestly, I'm ranking it too low in the Top 20, but only because I have to think better things are on their way and am wary of that recency bias wave.

49) "XO Tour Lif3," by Lil Uzi Vert

Congratulations on being the modern rap song which followed "The Heart Part 4!" You were always going to suffer in comparison, and while I regret that it happened to you, I hope you understand it had to happen to someone. I mean, this is a three-minute song, and at some point I got bored enough that I forgot I was supposed to be paying attention to come up with an observation and/or a joke and did other things. Not even shit I needed to take care of, I checked Facebook and thought about getting a glass of milk until he started saying all his friends are dead, like what?, oh okay I guess that's how this song ends then, OH FUCK well prolly not worth dipping back in if I got that distracted.

61) "Speak to a Girl," by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

So over the last four weeks, only three women have had tracks debut on the Hot 100. That's pretty cool. One of the three dudes who wrote this song, about what a girl REALLY wants from a man, was also a co-writer on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle," which is, I mean, I'm going off Wikipedia, I'm hopeful this is too awful to be true, but if it isn't, how does that dude sleep at night? What does that dude believe in? Who is his god, just, to what moral authority is our man Joe London holding himself accountable? Do Not Trust Joe London. Another of the songwriters worked with a band called Confederate Railroad. Country music is the coolest. I'm so proud to like this genre.

66) "Still Got Time," by ZAYN ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR

First of all, we need to take a minute to discuss the sheer disrespect for the concept of caps lock expressed by ZAYN and PARTYNEXTDOOR. This is a mumblecore pop song, and I must insist these dudes cease using all capital letters until they prove they're capable of expressing excitement. Other than that gripe, though, I dunno, I didn't have a bad time! I enjoyed it about as much as I did "Running Back" a few weeks ago, it didn't light this Tuesday evening on fire, but it was a chill groove, and I appreciated the B+ to which all involved contributed. Also, new favorite Wikipedia line: "Shane Lindstrom, professionally known as Murda Beatz." One, professionally known. Two, imagine ever asking someone to call you Murda. Gosh, what a stupid fucking stage name. (Stage name? Backstage name? Why do you need an alias bro you're a fucking producer, you don't get to have a fake name, the fuck makes you think you can have a fake name. Even Swizz Beatz rapped sometimes, what is your goddamned problem Murda Beatz.)

2017′s Top 20! I lowered “Run Up” again. I miss it dearly but I can’t pretend I liked it more than “Green Light.” 20) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 19) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 16) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 15) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 14) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 13) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 12) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 9) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 4) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) how the fuck did “swalla” make it two weeks Also, I know there was a new Iggy Azalea song, and I’m just gonna say, if having to listen to 21 Drake songs was the price I paid to not have to hear 1 Iggy Azalea song, I will have been glad to have paid the toll. That is a reasonable trade, one I would never say no to. Boy I hope it doesn’t debut next week! Also: “iSpy” in the for-real top five! That’s so dope! I’m happy for that song!

Who won the week?

2007 had the stronger showing this week, and let’s be real, I think it’s out-paced 2017 at this point. 2007′s at the point where “Get It Shawty” is hanging on by a thread while “Grace Kelly” and “Outside Looking In” are outside looking in. 2017 needs to step its game up. We’re two weeks from “Umbrella.” Is that so much to ask, is for just one instant classic era-defining monster jam that shatters the world? Come on, 2017! 2007: 2 2017: 1

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