#I'm just gonna go live another life ;)

[natreads]

I'm in Greece! I'm visiting my grandparents and will spend the next two weeks working on my novel, reading books and doing some work while sitting in their garden or patio

#nat talks #books #bookstagram #did I bring too many books? naturally #am I a little depressed? of course #BUT I'm having a good day today and I think life is all about those little good moments #also realize how lucky I am to be here #they're getting older so idk if I would get another chance to come here #especially since my brother's getting married in the middle of summer next year and so maybe they won't go to greece at all #who knows what will happen after that #because they spend half the year in sweden and the other half in greece #I found really cheap tickets too #gonna try to just live with my emotions even if they're sometimes bad #idk maybe I'll write more about it later #me

[queerstudiesnatural]

i think my brain should be studied i'm being fr

#surely this isn't normal #my dreams are like a portal to another life #sometimes i dream about the next day in advance #like with full details. and i often plan lessons in my sleep #sometimes i dream up entire stories with full fledged characters and backstories and intricate plot points etc #last night i dreamt up not just one but about ten such episodes #in the same night i also dreamt that i started taking T and had sex with a random girl and then had. a kinky adventure with dean winchester #(i love being ace about also this dream sex was pretty nice!) #i'm not gonna tell all the stories bc we would be here all day but #there were a Lot of different stories in my dream #full stories that all felt like they happened over the course of days or weeks or months or years in some cases #god i met so many different people in one night and they don't even exist #how i am expected to function properly when my head is so full of memories from lives i never lived but also kind of did #i feel like there's a hundred different universes in my memories and they're all from dreams but they all feel super real #like oh yeah remember that time i was part of a forest dwelling society that started gaining powers and we all thought they were #evil powers but it turns out the forest had given us the ability to communicate with it and to fly and to heal #or oh yeah i traveled the world once and then on my way back i had to cheat customs that wanted to charge me an exorbitant amount of money #for my luggage #by jumping down the luggage slide and travelling with the luggage #or oh yeah i was on T once and actually lost my T pills in a swamp but i dug around and ended up finding them #and i started to grow facial hair after like a week #like stoooop that's too many lives to live #every single night i go through another portal and live a whole ass life #rain.stuff

[hellfollowed]

lil update for ya~

Prepare to not see me for the next couple of days cause ya girl finally got Baldur's Gate 3. (About to dive head first into this mf.) I got my queue all set up to post what I have done already and the rest will come later on, I promise! If anyone wants to drop anything, please just let me know. We can always write some new stuff too, so no worries!

Drafts count left: 8

#I'll be here to chat still #I'm just gonna go live another life ;) #(' queue is empty and all the demons are here '] #( the wiz behind the green curtain ] mun

[spinoff-antithesis]

(muth being music theory!)

#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN #me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man. #media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school #the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no. #me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything #my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect #anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE. #also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just #live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life) #also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and #“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.) #like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er” #me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm. #anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it #another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away #these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)

[navree]

anyway the only version of jason going non-lethal that makes sense is the version he brings up in #975 where he makes clear that he's going against his moral compass and his convictions on what he thinks is right explicitly so that he can maintain a connection with his family. none of this mealy mouthed 'jason realizes Killing Is Bad' thing (i'm of the opinion that jason's kinda the direct opposite of bruce in that where it would be too easy for the latter to start killing and not stop jason can kill and obviously has but the easier option for him is to just not do it and he does it because that's how his philosophy works) but jason admitting that he's taking the easy way out and being selfish at the expense of his own moral code so that he can still be a part of the batfamily. it's the only thing that makes sense to me.

#personal #i've been rereading that arc because like.......kate kane...............wife #but jason's speech during the roundtable/trial whatever the hell in 975 is just so GOOD #so now i'm philosophizing about batman characters and making all my followers #(none of whom have followed for batman content i'm very sure) listen to me rant about jason todd #like it's my fault that he's the best boy #anyway yeah this is the only version of jason deciding to honor bruce's code that makes sense #like his view on killing criminals is a moral thing to him #it's tied into how he sees the world and also very intimately shaped by his experiences in life #going against that isn't going to be done for any lofty goals #it's because he wants to be a part of his family and be in their lives and manage to attempt some reconciliation and reconnect #so they can hopefully all heal from the mess that his death turned everything into #and if that means he has to go against what he thinks is right even if that's the easy way out or the coward's way out #he's doing it #he's taking the selfish option for once that he's gonna do what he wants and what feels good for him #(cuz jason's an intrinsically selfless person) #(anyone who's last acts alive include attempting to save another human life) #(when that human actively betrayed you and put you in the position you are now where you're about to die) #(is selfless to an almost insane degree and also sheila haywood burns in hell)

[tittyinfinity]

when you're disabled, being financially abused by your parents never ends

#so you're telling me that you got 5k this week from claiming me on your taxes #while hounding me about how i haven't been contributing enough to bills & expenses (i was giving you what you asked for!) #and none of it will go to me because ''i owe it to you for living with you'' #despite the fact that 5k nearly covers the mortgage for the entire YEAR #DESPITE THE FACT THAT I COULD PAY OFF MY OWN LANDLORD AND MOVE OUT #btw i literally only let her claim me on her taxes bc she said she'd be giving it to me. and this is the third time she has done this. #promised me it wouldn't happen again. she used me. #she does this thing a lot #where she acts like she's helping people but only does it to hold it over their head #i told her i could have been paying her more for bills but she told me i didn't have to #and now she's complaining that i don't pay enough #i will literally tell her not to help me sometimes #bc she'll do it anyway and then later on you hear ''i did something nice for you so if you don't help me with a favor right now... #...I'll do everything I can to sabotage your life'' #so she literally only does it for personal gain #so that she can have an excuse to feel like she's better than all of her kids and that we're just stupid ungrateful assholes #all 3 of her kids could be telling her that her logic is wrong and she won't budge #another thing that happened recently is that she told me i needed to pay her back for a gift she bought me that got stolen #which is also something she does a lot. buys me things without asking and then telling me i have to pay her back for them #i had way more stuff stolen that i had personally bought #i didn't ask for that fucking keyboard sorry. I ALREADY HAD ONE. #and she's been going on about how ''she's the one who's ACTUALLY being affected'' #she is FULLY AWARE that the dude she lets over has stolen from us MULTIPLE times #but apparently it's my responsibility to pay her back for something out of my control #STOP BUYING ME SHIT AND TELLING ME I DON'T NEED TO PAY YOU MORE IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA HOLD IT OVER MY HEAD #IF I'M SUCH A BURDEN MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LEAVE #.bdo

[notjanine]

i am in suuuuuch a weird headspace rn, my brain is like. i want half a boyfriend i want a husband i want an easy carefree hookup i want to have sex with only one more person in my entire life i want to have a slut era i want someone to fall in love with me i want to ruin a man's life. who am i

#like okay i said that guy was messy and maybe i am messy too #but only internally! i can at least be consistent and honest in my communication and behavior #but idek what is going on with me #is this a belated quarter life crisis is this being thirty is this what happens when grad school and an internship scramble your brain #scramble your brain so hard that your emotions and physical desires also go haywire #this month is gonna be so weird for me and like i'm depressed enough to not care if i live or die which is when i do my best flirting #and i (theoretically) will have enough time off to take care of myself and get good sleep and do skincare and hair care and work out #and do all the little things to make myself feel more confident #anyway all i know is. i have baby steps initiated progress on some things. #but also the mutually agreed upon six-month post-breakup communication moratorium with my ex is almost up and i am half tempted to call him #i am also half tempted to mess with the OTHER guy in our internship cohort even though that would be THEE messy bitch move #(do not let me do it physically stop me from doing it if it seems like i'm going to) #(but y'know he's. nice. nearby. single. quietly hilarious and has full lips and a similar schedule to my own. pls stop me) #(we might hang out next week. i will not WILL NOT invite him over. i repeat do NOT let me invite him over) #earlier this week i talked to a close very cool and fun and social friend about wanting to start dating again and she was like #Oh i know like ten guys for you lemme have another party and invite all of them and you #and i'm thisclose to being like. actually just fucken see if any of them will go on a blind date with me next weekend. #what the FUCK is wrong with me rn #ANYWAY lemme go work out and finally start the vampire show #bc exercise will distract my body and that toxic relationship bullshit will put a damper on these desires right. right?? #starting to understand why so many religions are like watch out for sins of the flesh or whatever. like how they're like temptation is bad. #lizzo_boys.mp3

[ultimategirldad]

✨️ The long awaited return...! ✨️

*rises from the ashes like a phoenix with a body clock innately attuned to deltarune and deltarune only* hello. I live!          ...anyway. 1 week till DR CH2 anniversary how y'all doing? 

#it has been a WHILE holy shit have I missed you all #I give you a recent electra sketch as an offering. a little treat. a morsel. #she looks extra girl boss here omg yes girl slay. live rent free in my mind (apparently forever???? because I Cannot Get You Out--) #right! let's do like a quick life update since it isn't really a capri post without paragraphs of tags lmao #short version: I'm doing pretty good despite my country economically falling apart! yay! #I had a bit of a hiccup a few months ago though bc my iron deficiency anemia got so bad I couldn't walk-- #from my bedroom to the lounge w/out getting super breathless and ill and. it was bad. #I was worried I was gonna end up having a heart attack it was terrifying. Waiting to recover was anxiety inducing :( #but! I'm doing a lot better now and can go on walks again and it makes me so so happy holy shit #still like... got some unexplainable chronic pain issues that have not been solved. so not perfect. but good enough for now. #apart from that I have some exciting things going on that I'm waiting for confirmation on. will elaborate another time. #I really missed this lovely community 🥺💜 I have SO much art and writings to catch up on!!! I'll be a reblogging machine honestly sdfgjkl #you are all kind and wonderful and so creative and...! just. I'm vv excited to celebrate DR and UT anniversaries with you all 💕💕💕 #fingers crossed I might have some time to create celebratory art! let's wait and see 🤞 #deltarune oc #electra

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

one of my friends and i were talking about life and where we would be in a few years and it made me a lil bit sad

#we were driving somewhere and i said something about how she was going to move away one day #(she doesn't wanna live in texas forever esp cause she's lived here most of her life) #and we talked about how one day we'd both probably just be fond memories to each other #like just people to look back on when thinking about your early 20s or whatever #SHE said this not me. i think it's so fucking morbid #but like she's not wrong and i keep thinking about it #how everyone you ever love will leave u some day?? isn't that just so absolutely fucked #but like. we're probably gonna part ways someday #and then we'll just start talking less and less and less and one day not at all #cause that's how life is isn't it #someone can mean the absolute WORLD to you one day #and a few years later you might not even think about them unless something prompts it #and i DO Try to talk to my besties as often as i can #but maybe i should get on real social media or something idk #it's literally impossible to talk to every single person who has meant something to you on a regular basis #and i think that's what social media is for??? idkkkkk #i'm being melancholy and CRINGE today ig #idk it's weird how u can go from 'we're going to be at each other's weddings' to 'eh we probably won't see each other much if ever #in another five years' #she's said both of those things. one of them is more realistic than the other. #delete later #you just gotta leave before u get left ig #sorry for quoting taylor swift

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thinking about how of course billions is about people trapped in eternal battle world, and trapped because they won't ever exit, and don't want to because that's the only way they can define their idea of themself or like move through life, to the degree they have to just create or find another battle if one ends or they don't have enough going on at once or they're unhappy about anything & can only respond to that the only way they'll respond to anything: finding someone to consider a target to Defeat & being like nice, i'm so competent & active as a person, so with any other issues in my life, i'm sure it's not my fault at least

and it's been clear that to be someone at the Center of the show means needing to be inflexible enough to never leave that life, which also probably means never engaging in genuine self-reflection besides like, fuming in distress for 5 sec & then immediately searching for blame for someone else, or calling up your designated moral supporter who'll tell you you're upset b/c you're very complex & sympathetic & maybe if you do [xyz] you'll be able to Keep Winning, so like, don't worry, we'll never get too off track here. you have someone like connerty who cares so much about playing by the rules ft. ethics, but he was also someone completely inflexible who would give a shit like "ha ha you broke the law" and be Defeated b/c like yeah damn you do got him in that situation. he may then have gained the flexibility to throw a punch when he's already imprisoned but he's still just gotta retire & pursue some completely different goals

this in contrast with like, what a coincidence (surely not) that the more flexible characters are the ones who also do introspect & reflect & genuinely think about & question themselves ever, & how even beyond that, being in this world of people who overwhelmingly are thee opposite & aiming for a static sense of self & thus strategy for navigating life & all interactions & situations, the more reflective parties also tend to accept both Blame & the fruitlessness of pushing for more/different/better from the people & relationships & situations they're amongst. those willing to take on responsibility at all surrounded by people casting all of it off, always, w/the former already primed to take blame & the latter primed to be looking to find the blame in anyone else, a powerful mismatch....which allows the flexible parties to also put up with shit for longer lol like if they got fed up that quickly or recognized the dead-end here they'd just leave the show lol. like wow can't believe taylor spent their whole life already stuck having to deal with someone who's so very much like these bullshit central men & those trying to emulate them, & perhaps also then have a lifetime of experience extending endless patience & sympathy with little to no expectations for more from people who put up with such a bullshit man & his effects on everything around him, like, what do you mean taylor's mom hasn't seen them b/c douglas didn't want to see them b/c he wasn't yet motivated enough to have to exercise begrudging shows of basic respect. whilest sure seems like taylor felt more concern & basically stated their responsibility re: trying to make their relationship with their dad work / basically take on the task of making his life work for him according to his sense of himself (genius! who deserves the recognition thusly!) and doesn't seem to take on this role re: their mom, who nevertheless is just presumed to move closer to them along w/douglas. and here's taylor never truly putting their foot down re: wendy, no matter what, able to have no real positive expectations in how wendy treats them or thinks of them, but also always able to extend sympathy / decent treatment themself

thinking of like team ben out here as the Nicer axe cap or mpc people who also happen to be people absorbing the L's, blaming themselves for being at the bottom of the hierarchy & being subjected to the always negative treatment doled out to them accordingly, and, winstonesquely, still generally like extending genuine gestures of amicability, efforts of constructive actual communication, etc, & this being shut down & likely punished by all the people around them who won't handle that kind of thing. that Of Course nobody's actually supported around here, like, at best they'll get some kind of "well you're actually talented & valuable :)...." (so why aren't they already treated in a way such that they're aware of this?) "....so just have more confidence already god!" wherein (a) again that just means it's Their Fault that they're having a miserable time at the hands of others & (b) their having "confidence" doesn't really mean like, an emotional buffer between their sense of self-esteem & the message of inferiority in how they're treated, it has to mean externally acting different in some ways, more like A Winner, more like everyone else. the limits of ben trying to sometimes be a buffer for tuk as that kind of friend/mentor role, where either it simply fails or ben's Help is more unilateral "correction." that generally only any increase in aggressive hostility gets them anywhere, and really not that far.

the way dollar bill could always act however he wanted & they could always clean up his messes / save him from himself / just flatout blame other people for what dollar bill did to them or someone else; success in being a mini axe in that way for sure. dollar bill going off the rails over his literal dollar bill & that's not a problem, he's validated b/c he's upset, & b/c rudy knew he'd be upset it's really all rudy's fault....who just so happens to be more of a loser, what with his glasses & possible masturbation ever and all. whilest even when dollar bill is like every season being shit at his job & life, well, just find a loser to trounce while everyone ignores this, cheers you on, takes on responsibility for fixing things for you, blames the person targeted probably. dollar bill couldn't even do in office transphobic hate crime physical attacks, or that but while yelling the r word at the autistic guy he's already harrassing & threatening, without it being really basically the target's fault, & hey, as long as no investors are watching. and we're still dragging dollar bill back to the office b/c uhhh yeah!!

& then of course there's winston, who, like a loser, says things in real efforts for real communication with others, that they winningly can only bring themselves to respond to as "he's not allowed to talk, that's out of line, i have to punish/deny this to reassert our respective status" except for, sometimes, taylor actually communicating in turn, or even simply receiving the information. winston in a duo with the very winning & worthy rian, being something of a quasirival for 5 seconds but even during then, and since, trying to be amicable to establish an actually positive dynamic, trying for actual communication, engaging flexibly & actively based on her feedback & her terms & etc to try to find some more success; versus rian completely inflexible, unwilling to respond to efforts to communicate, unwilling to have an actual relationship with any flexibility & genuineness in turn, or see winston as a person of course, and engage with real emotions. which is hardly an exclusive response of hers, like, everyone else is just the same, she's just also the one interacting with him more often and personally bullying him & standing next to him & immediately responding with clear contempt when he tries things like earnest expressions of "hey rian could you not do what you just did b/c it makes me feel like shit, probably b/c that's what you're trying to do" and "hey that was cool what you just did b/c it makes me feel like—" b/c like, what a loser. real winners cannot handle engaging with another person as a person. when you can just make up & stick to a narrative about "oh but i don't hate winston, who i feel is inherently beneath me. i wouldn't wanna feel bad about killing him, not when i could feel fine about administering more of a death by a thousand cuts with some other people helping out & hey maybe it was their cut that did it after all....but also if you're like 'pwease' then eh sure" or that winston's got a lesser inner existence anyways, some classic dehumanization, no complexity there, & hurting him isn't real, & it'd never be you in his position anyways! especially the more you're buying into "yeah i'm more of a person / more deserving / more real & sympathetic & correct than him :)" & being cheered on as you act that out. pretty cringe of winston to be earnest, flexible, openly trying & wanting & needing things, sounds bad & silly. unlike the winners around him who really cannot handle him or any of these things about him. of course near equivalent in loserness, tuk, is the person with the realest most amicable relationship with him. both of them too incompetent to realize their mutual failings in this, ha ha, real winners are repulsed & fleeing & can't handle a basic exchange with either of them. and the imbalance re: how little others are willing to give them in interest, consideration, time, words, etc, while they're always trying Too Much re: the disinterested others, totally proves their unworthiness

winston and tuk always having to stay at the bottom of the hierarchy, winston only able to be shitted on even as he extricates himself, ending up surrounded by people who will only act "correctly" according to their superior roles & this mf wags only processing anything as "did that reinforce my being a correct/winning person???" & only responding by trying to reassert to others how much of a winner they are, which requires establishing a loser, and crushing them. winston having recognized / gotten fed up with a bullshit scenario & had realistic expectations of those around them & spent those years being treated like shit yet never crushing an enemy to restore his ego & also spent those years trying to communicate and work with others and share actual info and make actual connections & now independently choosing to make a big shift in his life so that things can be different? is definitely the contemptible loser here while everyone else looks very good faffing around for an episode getting some temporary ego boosts & being very "correct" in every response to winston, even pointing out that rian even noticing something genuine & positive from winston in the absence of it anywhere is first & foremost incorrect, which rian will Also immediately drop in the face of that "well yeah it's more correct to prioritize Anything else. like that he's pathetic & mpc 5ever" like wuh oh rian being doomed from 5x08 "time to embrace acting more correct now" & being truly inflexible from that point on, never had a moment of conflict not resolved by [ignoring that] &/or again just getting someone more correct to declare how it'll be answered. taylor at their most flexible and Taylorest and most juxtaposed with central men & static ossified "winners" when they are also at their best in engaging with winston. taylor Like winston & vice versa in so many substantial & interesting ways, despite their relating to / sympathizing with / devoting much more effort & interest to people more like the central men. that here we are, when taylor might have to give up on Being A Winner, someone who'll walk away with status & resources & a seamless transition into some established business foundation, to really get the wins that matter, against pince, &/or to clock out of a sunk cost factory, &/or to not have strangled every part of themself that can be in conflict with this general situation into eternal dormancy. don't You dare blame latency lol, the taylor who gets to exist outside the conditional "well i guess you're a winner who's very useful to me, like dumping work on you & blaming you if it goes awry. and you can act like a Real winner in the ways that really matter (crushing people)"....is also a taylor who can be rejected & shut down & shut out & have their value denied & be treated shittily despite even knowing they'd be / are good at this shit, superlatively even, & could never feel okay just being regarded as a tool stashed away at someone's disposal. & Has been treated shittly & is liable to accept blame, unilateral responsibility for other's selves & feelings & actions & lives, & marinate in self-loathing. while people who refuse any introspection, questioning, responsibility, awareness, etc, & refuse to handle the least of genuine interactions/relationships with others as real people, are glad to scoff at them & dismiss them & imply or assert their superiority, like, wow have You got a lot to learn, or maybe you can't b/c you're inherently inferior. all just like re: winston!

tl;dr shoutout to the flexible characters who like can & do reflect & change things up actually, just so happening to always be Losing for this in the [only way to win is not to play] arena of fake winners seeing if they can consider themselves superior to everyone else & only even possibly correct always & forever, in the pyramid scheme of social hierarchy & also capitalism

#real winners quit! it's winston #society if rian Wasn't quickly boxed in & given the ''prominence'' of being Used for other characters #and where we could more truly have this like triumvirate of seeing yourself in both the other two parties in tmc lol #almost a similar fate re: lauren showing up Worthily Yet Zanily! then Most offbeatness falls away / dating is in the bg #& she's mostly Around & doing general [just competent things] But she was also flexible enough to do things Wrong actually / be doomed lol #which we Knew b/c of the relationship that billions would only eventually crush as the Cost of xyz.... #rian's offbeatness mostly gone too; ''what am i gonna do next!'' Conveniently/contradictorily; going Bazinga; snark instead of aggression #general [just competent things] that'll last until ppl quit last minute; if they do. she started out secretly pretty inflexible already #& is really locked in by now; very similar to wendy who also never really considered ditching her life of ''i love to feel like i'm toying #w/ppl's lives & enabling some mf with more power'' & really isn't that different from prince; who tf else isn't also totally inflexible #team ben's endurance come from what insulation / teamwork they can find w/each other & just staying out of the way really #& also just the writing like ''of course they can & will stick around for years despite how they're treated. bit of Loser Feelings as #Lesser Feelings after all b/c haha i mean come on they may be nice but do they seem Epic to you?'' #which is just as true / even more so re: winston. until he; in another [the Actual winner's move]; finally leaves #and gets like the most bass boosted [WHAT A FUCKING LOSER] treatment on his way out b/c what else could or would anyone do #winston billions #anyways he & the Loser Nerds like him have so much more maturity & flexibility & allowed capacity for actual growth lol. cringe comp!! #and this may be at all on purpose Of Course. show's aware central ppl are peak shit & intractible. show also does think winston's a loser #&/or is certainly trying to have their cake and eat it too with him and like tuk as well & even to a degree w/e goes on w/spyros etc etc #and Illustrating a lot of the ''deserved'' aspect through static inflexible Assumed Universal Facts abt what seems wrong & unworthy #like fucking yourself literally! objectively Bad. having glasses. knowing the diff b/w a vagina & vulva. not being ''''attractive'''' #[jumpscare of Blaring Tangent dialogue abt that all overlaid on itself into 1 second of 9000 decibels] #taylor is also Flexible re: philip who is Flexible re: them in turn. definitely Something and Promising as has been established lol #visit taylip hq nothingunrealistic.tumblr.com for so much more. and this blog for [thinking abt winston] hq in turn. covering ground

[mychemikuromance]

you know what having anxiety and having intrusive thoughts AND having a vivid imagination really does just cause me to torture myself with dumb shit

#j talks #i imagine the worst things for no reason #i have disturbing imagery just linger in my head #and i convince myself to be scared of silly little video games i don't even play :D #i am going to scream forever #anyways...no wonder my sleep has been so shit recently #part of me wants to completely cut out any sort of horror things and another part of me is like. nah keep em #maybe i can learn to live with them better #i think it's funny tho bc i find shit like dead by daylight not scary at all and even like. idk. #like real life scenarios of terrible things happening do haunt me but NO #the image of a character i made up or some fucking. made up character someone else made. no. that's what's gonna keep me up at night right #a drawing of a creepy looking anime girl right that's what's gonna keep me up right??????? #i'm so tired of this shit LMFAO #half laughing at myself half like. why are you like this #anyways. thanks for reading my suffering i guess. #i really want to go downstairs and get water i just need to get the courage to do so ahhhhhhh

[missshame]

Guys guys guys I decided to quit smoking wish me luck

#Like I just threw my pack away #It's not the first time I sorta try to cut it but usually I'm like I'll finish this pack and try to wait a little before buying another one #Which I usually manage to do since I'm fucking lazy #But idk it's starting to piss me off like since I can go without smoking for quite a while why do I always go back to it #I mean I know the answer it's because I always end up wanting to smoke because of a stressful week or event or whatever #And in these circumstances I tend to be in a shit mood and when I feel bad I'm like well I don't even care that much about my life so let's #Not give a fuck a buy some cigarettes #And idk #The truth is I know deep down that I love life I just struggle but I don't want to die like I do have these Thoughts sometimes but #The Thoughts are lying to me #And I'm not letting them have me!! #Not with a rope around my throat and not with a cancer inside of it neither lol #Fuck you Thoughts! I'll live even if it feels like dying sometimes #and if you're not happy with it why don't you go k*ll yourself instead yeah? #Anyway lol I know I'm gonna have a hard time with it but I gotta try at least yk #If you read that thank you for coming to my Ted talk lol

[crayolacolor]

aaa

#vent cw #negative cw #( i'm sorry i try not to post vent stuff too often but i desperately need to get this off my chest ) #i got hit with so much stress all at one time today #covid cases are going back up again and i'm gonna cry because i already feel like i lost 2 years of my life to this stupid virus #i just want things to go back to normal #i keep seeing those reminder: the pandemic isn't over yet posts and it feels like a punch in the gut to me #i know who they're for but honestly. do posts like that really help? #i think the people posts like that are directed towards would just see it and scoff #meanwhile people like me are hit with another reminder that everything is still horrible and nothing's getting better #and even if they DO get better it doesn't last #my mom kept us on 2020-level lockdowns throughout this whole thing and was JUST starting to let us do normal stuff again and now this. #i don't want to go back to that #i want to live #i don't want to lose another year of my life #be cautious of course but i can't just shut myself down completely for this long #my mental health can't take it #i also have had a massive relapse of an unrelated worry that i don't want to directly say because i feel like i'll speak it into existence #i don't. really believe that's a thing that can happen but it's an irrational fear with this worry specifically #and it's infuriating because it's not one that i can easily dismiss in a week or two #this one has lasted for months and is likely to keep nagging at me for the foreseeable future #i just want to not be stressed #that's literally it #i don't know what to do

[havegaysex]

Why do I stay friends with people who just clearly don't care about me

#Personal #If you're going to buy a pizza for everyone it has to have at least half cheese like how we were just having a conversation about me being #Vegetarian and you get a whole pepperoni pizza and say it's for everyone like what the fuck #I mean this is someone who doesn't mask always so it's pretty clear how he feels about disabled lives but like what the hell man #He talks so much talk but when it actually comes time to show up he's such a massive failure #Man it's so funny that I'm not even talking about my dad with that previous tag #No I'm talking about another cisgender man in my life #He broke up with my best friend in a dumbass way #He still seeing the people who she started dating first and then they abandoned her when she was going through it #He acts like he can handle mental illness but he can't #I have been wanting to kill myself the past few days #And I'm not gonna kms but I'm so good at picking friends that make me want to do it more

[medicinemane]

I'm very tired, I have to do everything around the house myself (as in, I keep having to turn the water off and on to the kitchen sink until I teach myself to install a new faucet, and negative cleaning gets done if I don't do it), and the money is in the hands of the third worst person in the whole family when it comes to money (the worst being my grandpa who is dead, and my grandma who blows all her money on overpriced jackets and other junk)

I'm very tired, I have to teach myself how to do everything, and I have almost literally no support in any way shape or form ever

I can't remember the last time anyone said they were proud of me... I don't actually know if anyone's ever used that word with me before. When I do something like get the trailer cleaned out or buy a house, frankly no one gives a fuck, except my grandma who gets mad

I haven't actually had a chance to see anyone that counts as a friend in like 15 years, and I mean even in high school everyone liked me but no one could be bothered to actually ever even talk outside school... so even back then it's not like I had anyone I was close with

I'm providing this version where I totally remove how I feel or how I view myself from the description and instead try to provide something close to an objective description of things

So if you wonder why I say what I say about myself, honestly I think it's pretty much all summed up here

#mm tag so i can find things later #also this is why you can maybe piss off instead of coming around here and saying I should get off the internet and go to therapy #in spite of how morose I am; I'm actively working to fix this stuff by... at least learning more of the skills I need #like... learn to replace a faucet; then at least I don't have the sink issue weighing me down #and maybe if I fix enough of it someday things'll be ok #although... in my mind no matter what I do I'll still be alone and unlovable; but that's just a description of how I view things #regardless of how I may feel; I am trying to do stuff to fix how I feel by trying to fix my situation #so like... if you're gonna come here and tell me I need to fix my mental health #may I respectfully say either you can lend me a hand or maybe you should mind your own business #cause what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do? #not that anyone will read this or particularly care #not trying to be rude or something; just extrapolating past data to make a prediction #it's not that people here don't care or don't like me; it's just we're all busy with our own lives and no one really knows what to do #well I'm... I'm trying to write you a guide; I'm asking for help here #...to an extent it's totally fine if no one helps... but you kinda don't get to go around acting like you love being asked for help #I mean... you do; it's your life... but I'm just saying... this is me asking for help... yet again #but I expect nothing because that's what usually happens #I really don't mean to... to imply anything about anyone else; it's just descriptively I don't get help and I don't get support #and... based on all the information I have my model for the outcome of this says no one will even notice it #that tag of mine of things I can find later or whatever... it has me outright saying a number of things #...no one ever hears or listens #anyway; there it is... another pointless cry for help #...don't say I didn't warn you when I wind up killing myself one day #probably not anytime soon; maybe not ever... all I'm saying is don't pretend you didn't see it coming or like I didn't reach out #at least... as best I could... maybe I could have done better #like sure; could I walk up to specific people and say 'I need you to do this'; sure... #but I find... I find people just ignore it if I say that too #so I've given up; you know? #this is the best I can muster #don't say I didn't tell you