#Im willing to talk about everything

[yourpaceangel]

The thing about “nothing lasts forever” is that neither of them are listening

#ineffable husbands #this has been said 1000 times but im going to say it again #aziraphale is saying ‘im willing to give up this shop and everything i hold dear on earth to keep you safe with me’ #and crowley is saying ‘this is our place and this is where we exist together and you cannot give that up for false safety by people that #will betray you’ #and they’re not LISTENING to each other #god im going to be fucking sick #they’re always talking but never about what’s actually important #they can hear each other but they’re not listening

[soldier-poet-king]

Stop borrowing grief from the future wednesday

#beating myself upside the head! stop! borrowing! future grief!!! #stop it!!! #im tired and everything is bad #and im worried about fading tattoos. which is silly. this is brand new #i can always get touch ups or have it faded and then do a darker cover up #but idk worry about artist relations and im kinda unhappy with my artist and idk if thats my fault or not #just. blegh #the art is fine. its not as dark or bold as i wanted but neither is it as delicate #i think part of me was pulling to each of these exyremes #extremes* #and now its a sort of middle ground neither feminine nor masculine style #(ignore the gendering of that im talking societal perception) #i think i wouldve liked to have gotten bolder line work done. just for aging purposes #and less intricate detailing bc again aging #but i will be careful with sunscreen and moisturizer. alas. #bolder lines hurt more. but i think id have been willing to try #again . commitment issues. multiple styles. etc.

[variousqueerthings]

I note that I don't, and I never, was much of a fan of doctor-and-rose as romance, but that I -- rather than get annoyed at the romantic-coded scenes -- had a tendency to simply read them from a totally different perspective, and really maybe should have been a sign of sooomething different about me, that I continuously felt that the doctor's concepts of connection must be so alien, that to call it romance would be to diminish the actual Thing that they had, which was presented as such onscreen (to my mind then, now I realise what was happening, but I prefer what I had going on), which is basically that the doctor was a shell of a person, hurtling towards destruction (he would have died without rose in ep1), desperately lonely and sad and traumatised, and she retaught nine -- and by extension ten -- how to love the universe, at the same time as nine and ten taught her the same. (I think about the scene in father's day, where while they're arguing, rose says that she knows how sad he is, and he'll just hang around the tardis waiting for her -- she knew!)

and then on top of that with sarah-jane (which, I never watched the classics as a kid, so I didn't have that context for her beyond what the episode presented) it felt like that was sort of confirmed and made even more canon through this idea that the doctor is constantly mourning the inevitable deaths of their companions and would rather simply leave them behind at some point than watch that happen (and they've seen that happen before, although dying for a cause versus just... dying, because you die, while they don't, they just continue on and on, always seeking connection, always knowing that time will take them away, that's a whole other thing)

and then of course there's ten's... I would call it "sex appeal" because it's david tennant and with his performance there's immediately a bit of a focus on oh he's quite pretty and he faints/is knocked unconscious in both of his first episodes, and a lot more flirting, and the people want to see sparks or what have you... but the doctor as portrayed and written is still... not coming at it that way. yes yes girl in the fireplace but also, once again, doesn't work for me, because I find it soooo much more interesting that the doctor would imprint on A Life - and a life that they admire -- and speedrun the exact thing that they're most afraid of with their companions... that she ages and dies and it's the one thing that the doctor simply cannot stop

meanwhile rose is quite young and swept up in this whole massive adventure and very much reads the doctor not as an alien (frequently surprised by their alien-ness) and gets jealous of sarah-jane as if she's an ex, and renette as if she's... a replacement? but really it's more that the doctor met her at the point when she was about to accept her life as it was. not an exciting life, not a bad life, but always having to ignore the idea that there must be more to it than this. and the idea that she might be unceremoniously dumped back in that after seeing just how This the this could be, of course that's terrifying. and of course she's simultaneously taken with the dashing doctor and the jetset life, and worried she could be replaced, because to her the doctor saved her at 19 years old. in some ways the doctor created her (considering who she becomes after dooms day)

contrasted to martha who initially has a similar kind of experience, but the doctor doesn't meet her at the space she's in with them -- ten is leaning on her, like they did with rose, but not giving anything back unless kicking and screaming and traumatising her whole family. martha's trajectory is so so tragic, because she barely gets a taste of the splendor versus the horrors and the latter marks her for life. but she also knows to walk away from those overwhelming feelings, rather than give into them, she knows they'll never be rewarded and she also grows beyond wanting to be a crutch for the doctor (the fact that she then ends up as a soldier, well... ouch)

and then of course donna, who never has those fucking awe-feelings to begin with and whose connection with the doctor is explicitly de-romanticised but never placed on a lesser pedestal as if there's a hierarchy of alloromanticism. topples those pillars, never sees the doctor as anything but what the doctor is. good old donna. (sobs.) (but also... cautious hope for the specials.) (but also sobs.)

my point being. just don't buy alloromantic doctor, they're a near-immortal alien. it's such a dull simplistic way of reading their relationships to other beings. other point being. all those women who were making heart-eyes at ten, wish they'd met thirteen and had a... "yeah, this still works for me," moment. their horizons, too, are broadened by seeing More. (that or they realise they were never actually "in love" but just thought ten was a sexy skinny little snack and it blinded them.) (although jodie whittaker, too, is a snack.)

and lastly lastly ofc, is that if the doctor has a longterm (by doctor time measurement) intense relationship with anyone, whatever that might be called, it's the tardis. and that relationship is also so alien it cannot be quantified by human words for concepts

#im rewatching doctor who #doctor who #dw #aroace doctor #look im rewatching into 13 and beyond i am willing to entertain yaz and 13 because we enjoy a good bit of lesbianism #however will wait and see because the doctor in my head is so so aroace in every incarnation #they just manifest it in different ways #i could go into the whole eleven-and-river and how i feel about that #i am perhaps in the minority in that river's arc just doesn't work for me and often neither does her character #i kind of want to listen to the audio adventures because ive heard she's got much more to do there #than be a flirty enigma/sexy lady/moffat fantasy #but i can say that one of my least favourite things about moffat's run was how 'sexy' he tried to make everything #by literally just having people use the word sexy all the time and talk about bad girls and what have you #it's like sexiness as written by a straight teenage boy #and not a supposedly grown man writing for grown people #other minority opinion perhaps but eleven just isn't my cup of tea #am interested in how i'll feel going back into that run #dont like matt smith much dont like moffat much and dont like what they envisioned for the doctor and how they directed/acted the doctor #feel like capaldi had to claw the character back into some semblance of thematic coherency #i was never too much into especially ten getting a bit high and mighty with lonely god and the like titles BUT #waters of mars places that in a very particular context that makes it so so gooood #(another post for another day about companion opinions)

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone… #i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly. #i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized… #when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function. #plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone… #i went thru all that for nothing… #and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

[orcelito]

My druid has "fuckboy" written all over her

#speculation nation #shes a druid but she does Not look it. nor does she act like it really. #druid stuff exists to beef myself up as a front liner (spores druid ftw) #and to act as an excuse like 'whaaaat why r u so suspicious of me im a druid 🥺🥺🥺 i just want what's best for nature 🥺🥺🥺' #meanwhile here i am hogging ALL the worms we manage to find (or. well. most of them.) #bc im going full ham into my powers lol theyre so useful #this is a game of pressing Every button and seeing what happens. yet still going along the lines of good? approximately? #it very much does feel like the kind of thing a druid drow would do. willing to consort with the darkness #but still ultimately striving for peace and order. #i am just perhaps a little bug-brained to accomplish this :3 #ive been playing a Lot of bg3. progressing well through act 2. everything is so very scary and i am just 1 druid 🥺 #(i say as if i havent killed literally every single enemy ive come across. im so fucking good at this game.) #the house of healing was by far my least favorite part (so far). that boss battle was TERRIBLE but i managed to get through it. #according to my friends they just talked their way out of it. not me tho. i saw that guy strapped to the table and i was just like #'GET FUCKED BRO' *casts moonbeam* *proceeds to get the shit stabbed outta me* #holy shit he did so much damage. and he was focused ONLY ON ME....... #took me and shadowheart both healing to keep up with the damage he was doing (while astarion and karlach did most of the attacking) #but i did it! hes gone! but holy shit poking around his stuff has been so. eugh. #im in the towers now. so scary. just barely started them tho. gonna look for the prisoners and then proceed from there. #that ketheric dude is fucking terrifying. so big scared about him. but All Men Die The Same 😈 #.....well maybe not exactly the same given his 'immortality' thing 😂 but i'll figure it out. #anyways yea check out taltana im going for a mixed feminine and masculine kinda vibes with her. and enjoying it very much. #bg3 spoilers/

[raeofgayshine]

I wish I could go back and tell younger me that I would in fact find that place one day full of people that I adore deeply and who I know love me in return. Who make me feel wanted and cared for and appreciated in a way I never thought would be possible. And none of it required hiding, or forcing myself to be a person I’m not. And I still have that space even though I’m aroace.

For the first time ever, I see a future where I’m not alone. And I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it would happen. It’s possible to not be constantly lonely.

#ravenpuff rambles #I’ve been lucky enough in my life to make amazing friends several times #several of whom are still in my life now #but it’s only been recently that I’ve felt like I truly found my place #I don’t know how to explain it #I guess up until now I have always gone into friendships expecting them to end and holding back just a little bit #and this is the first time I don’t feel like I have to run because I don’t feel like these people are going to leave me #maybe it’s just because one of them is also aroace and we’ve talked a lot about those similar feelings of being left behind #never had someone quite get that before #and maybe it’s just I feel more willing to open my heart #admittedly this group of ours went through some shit together and that’s how the friendships really started forming #and so maybe that helps #but it’s like #Have you ever met someone who is so much like you in so many ways that its like the joke of ‘ #‘can I copy your homework?’ ‘yeah just be sure to change it so no one knows’ #It’s a weird thing of feeling so completely and totally seen by somebody sometimes without having to say a word #anyways #I’m really happy with this little place I found and I wish I could tell younger me #and also tell xem that no it doesn’t look like a fanfic dream #no im not their person but yeah they’re kind of mine but that’s okay #its nothing and everything like I always thought of #and for the first time in my life I don’t feel a crush sense of loneliness #yes I wish I could see them in person #but I can be okay with everything I do get

[critter-wizard]

this is my lil grumpsona... theyre just a lil guy!!!!

i didn’t like my initial more porportioned design so i simplified it down a bit !

#bugsnax #crawdle snagglefluff #bugsnax oc #chandlo #chandlo funkbun #beffica #beffica winklesnoot #snorpy #snorpy fizzlebean #floofty #floofty fizzlebean #Im just gonna ramble abt my lil guy's relationships with the others down here a lil because i want to! #small bugsnax spoilers in these character rants lol #feel free to send asks if u have any questions abt them! #so absolute besties w chandlo and beffica #with a guy like chandlo hyping them up they work out together and hang out ! leading them to hang out with snorpy a lot too #initially they believe everything snorpy says and also get really paranoid but as it gets more and more absurd they get worried about him #and talk to chandlo about it (on bigsnax island following the plot lol) #Beffica was really intimidating at first but because she was so friendly and picked up the nickname 'bestie' if quickly won their heart and #due to their taste for chaos was more than willing to get a little dirt for her for funsies as long as it didnt go too far #they really want to be friends with floofty and vibrate when they can do anything to help them!! #this idiolisation of them makes them do really stupid things like almost decapitating floofty but u know how it is with blindly following #ur idols! u do something stupid as hell! #Crawdle doesnt really like wiggle. they think shes too self centered and always leaving Gramble in the dust and it makes them mad #But spends a lot of time with gramble! in fact whenever possible they try to get 2 of each bugsnax someone wants so they can donate the #second one to the barn because they feel bad for them!!!!! #Finds Cromdo curious and weird. wants to study him like an ant. #Thinks Shelda is funny when shes not acting insufferable (putting on her hippie act) #Egabell is cool and they love messing with her lmao #They love helping anyone they can! so helping Wambus's farm some days and helping Triff carry things to her site is always a day trip

[anaalnathrakhs]

it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.

mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.

#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD. #EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY #OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH #i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion'' #they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them #so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child #they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table #just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase #i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either? #i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them. #i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to. #but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset #quiet at home #and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places #and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway? #keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine? #try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened? #i dont know how to live like a normal person #literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X. #go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book. #because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped. #everything hurts holy shit #broadcasting my misery #vent #ed tw

[teruthecreator]

okay so like. kris 100% said “do it”. right? or something to that effect

#deltarune #spamton sweepstakes #this is about the 'new girl' webpage #which is just susie bullying kris #like. thats probably what made her stop. someone who was so willing to be picked on they were treating it like a joke #the picture being painted of kris rn from these webpages is one of quiet desperation. someone who is burdened with an impossible weight #also susie is still known as the 'new girl' which confirms her recency to hometown #im saying she either got there the year prior or just at the start of school that year #once again its not rlly specified but. judging by how noelle writes she is definitely older. probably present day age #meaning susie being new is not. old. hgrbjgbrghj #anyways! it wouldnt be surprising to me if kris said something like that #something to provoke her. bc they want to disappear #im sure they feel a lot of guilt and sadness surmounting #(plus theyre being controlled by a strange force. if my theory is correct) #so theyd like for someone like susie to just. end it for them #and Thats what makes her stop. bc she recognizes that. she recognizes the taunt #and she wont stoop to that level. hence why she almost never gives kris room to talk ever again #but continues to bully them #it almsot makes u wonder....why she hated them so much? and why she was so ready to be friends w them after everything? #did she recognize something in them that made her act that way? maybe a falsely-assued naivety that susie wanted to stomp out #similarly to how she lashes out at lancer in chapter 1 #bc to her (at that point) the world is cruel and dark and the only way u get out of it is through violence #or maybe she was intrigued by them? why they never said anything but everyone knew their name #and shes just so socially awkward that the only way she could think of getting their attention is by bullying them? #or. is she jealous of them #jealous that they can slide through life without resistance. that they can sleep through class without getting thrown out #and can pass w decent grades despite never lifting a pencil in class #and how they have a mother who hugs them every day and leads them in and out of school like a mother duck herds her ducklings #and how all the kids in class know their name and say hi despite them never answering #maybe shes jealous bc all shes ever gotten are frightened stares and discipline and neglect. and so it makes her kind of hate them

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just found out my two siblings are in my mom's will, but not me. Also my grandpa has told the entire family about his engagement. Except for me. Also my dad told my siblings that he and my mom bought a plot of land. Can you guess who they haven't told?

#these tags are about to be a massive trauma dump tbh so avoid if you want #when i was fifteen i came out as trans. and my mom was terrible about it. and my dad was up for a promotion so we were considering moving #and i found a list of my moms pros and cons for moving. on the pros was 'people there dont know about (deadname)' #so that was ideal for a suicidal fifteen year old to find. and tonight i just learned that im not in her will #both of my siblings are. but im not. and its just always been like this #im treated like im not part of the family anymore. and it's been that way since i was fifteen #i heard from my brother that my grandpa is engaged. and he told both my siblings about it directly. he never told me #i reach out to my parents. i never hear back. my aprents text my sibling to check on me (sib and i live together) #everything is kind of shit rn. one of my rats is dying. my family doesnt love me. im broke. my best friend and i arent really talking #because he fucked my ex gf and now things arent really the same anymore. strangely enough. he doesnt reach out anymore #so i have no one to talk to about any of this shit #last night i was crying about my rat and i guess my roommate heard it cuz this morning they said #'are you okay? if you ever need someone to talk to who will never bring it up again you can talk to me' #and thats the most loving thing ive heard from someone in months. from a woman ive known since august #im. just. at a loss. since i found out tonight. that im not in my mom's will #its not about money. or assets. its about the fact that im her fucking child and both of her other children are in it but im not #after she dies shes willing to help them out but i can get fucked ig #i wonder if im gonna be invited to my grandpas wedding. i wonder if any of them would want me at their funeral #i wonder if any of them would come to mine

[lycanthian]

there is nothing more inhumanly frustrating to me than when someone tries to correct you on something and by all accounts theyre right except that in doing so they have wrongly assumed what you are trying to do

#like dick????????? do you know my intent?????????? #does it matter to you so much that you are willing to come out here and tell me im wrong about something that you dont know? #ive been on the verge of verbally fucking this guy up for actual months and like. i cant #because i dont hate him and i enjoy when we actually talk as friends but he has this inhuman need to sound smart and right abt everything #and to make quips abt everything that he ever sees #and its incredibly insulting because it feels like he does this a higher amount to me. which isnt a problem in and of itself #but he is incapable of reading the fucking room ever or even vaguely comprehending why something hes saying can be taken badly #and i dont know if this is just by nature or intentional but the longer i talk to him the more intentional it feels #it feels like he intentionally says things to get rises out of people because hes fucking afraid of being genuine and normal #youre not funny man. youre not extra cool because you dont care about people #youre just a dick and a loser and you need to learn to shut your goddamn mouth #and the worst part is that hes so intertwined with all the other people im friends with that cutting him specifically off #would make things infinitely harder just to Exist in the same space as everyone else who i do love the company of #UAAAAAAGHGGHGHGGGHGHHHHHHHGHH #lycan howls

[enmascribbles]

Macaque is Japanese in the AU?

no? i was meant to be a kny red light distract kind of au where they dress up mac to go do some like info gathering work.

I do wanna say tho I did some talking with some of my chinese friends on twitter i realized that people may not like him being dressed like that and will find it disrespectful so I won't be drawing him in a kimono anymore

#anon asks #my bad im on twitter more than here #but im gonna more to here more cause twitters going down hill so fast #but yea i have some moots i talked with about it cause i really dont wanna be disrepectful or make anyone uncomfortable #if i ever do make a mistake or anything please let me know #i do not know everything and will never claim to #i am willing to learn and do better if i ever do make something that people say is disrespectful #i mean as long as its from the right community #like i wont listen to you if youre white telling me about jttw then i just wont believe you

[snailcubezz]

so like. we know that sasha ran from home at a Very young age, and assumedly raz was the only exception to the intern program age limit (not to mention sasha had No reason to know about the psychonauts that soon even if raz wasn't the only exception). so what the fuck was he doing in that span of time between leaving home and joining the agency ??? was he safe ???? did he have anywhere else to go or stay??????? we have nothing from canon alone and i think about this so much

#meeple.txt #AND ON TOP OF THAT. #NEED I REMIND EVERYONE THAT HE GREW UP IN A SIMILAR ERA AS LOBOTO DID WHERE PSYCHIC BIGOTRY WAS ESPECIALLY BAD AND LOBOTOMIES WERE OK. #LIKE. we know absolutely nothing about sashas childhood except for his parental issues #and while Yes parent death and running away at that age can definitely fuck someone up #i do think there has to be more than that to make him so. gestures vaguely Like That #that level of unhealthy repression of literally everything doesnt come from nowhere #shaking double fine. Was He Okay. Was He Safe after leaving his dad. Where Did He Go. #again im probably looking way too hard into this but gawd damn #psychonauts #sasha nein #not to mention again. the rant he has in pnror about how willing he is to get himself killed if it helps scientific progress #like ? u good? got something u wanna talk about there?

[hennike]

im having such intense lamen thoughts rn im going to be fucking sick

#its 6am i havent slept i need to be up in 3 hours im literally delirious #i just keep thinking. Of laurent who is touch-starved #and damen who is so Generous with his affection #laurent probably makes grabby hands at damen behind closed doors. Demands cuddles and kisses and touches from him #literally ANYTHING and EVERYTHING damen is willing to give him #this is LAURENT we are talking about. mister all or nothing. mister once the walls are down they STAY DOWN #of course he would trust damen with his Hunger. of course he would bare himself in this way sure in the knowledge that he’d be taken care of #damen is only too happy to oblige laurent. To indulge the love of his life #oh they make me sick in the head i cant be normal about them

[oscill4te]

everything always peaks me. then im on the other side, see so much hostility, just as bad as what peaked me, and its like nvm. damn. oscillation at its finest.....

#i made a post like this before but i fell into a very bad trap where i just ranted about “both sides” and thats never really helpful #i think there is just a lot of “us VS them” in this world. no one is ever willing to hear others out. they just look at characteristics #of yours and make broad assumptions about you. #i dont know. i feel like everyone in my generation is so willing to jump for your throat these days for different opinions #its their right of course; but i dont know. its like if you have even a slightly different opinion on something; you cant discuss it 2gethe #i want to meet some other fellow normies man; idk #and i say that as someone who isnt really “normal” in most peoples eyes #but i can chill and talk with ppl who have diff opinions from me as long as... they arent super hostile and think in black&white... #mostly feminism and lgbt stuff im talking abt here but yeah. i just want this world to be safe for women & lgbt+ folks yknow #i base a lot of my opinions on that #im trying to just. not care anymore. im just a human at the end of the day and so is everyone else #everything feels so black and white. i just want to belong somewhere. i dont know. #my parts all have different opinions on things so i never have a stable stance on anything #i just try to have compassion and reduce my cognitive dissonance as much as possible #that led me to veganism. lgbt rights. feminism. but even within these groups there is so much hate and fighting #i cant pretend i dont fall into the black and white thinking but i always actively try to challenge it #i tell myself: the world is not out to get you. but why does it feel like it is? clearly everyone else feels like that too

[perilegs]

sometimes, just for a moment, an old habit kicks in and i think i'd be easier to love if i wasn't trans, but, to whom would i be easier to love?

#like genuinely. ok boohoo i would have a loving mom if i wasnt trans but also why do i want the love of someone who isnt willing to give it #also sometimes some part of me goes through LAYERS of transphobia and sexism and thinks i could never be ''man enough'' #to date women. whichm that so fucking dumb it's funny #first of all im not going to unpack that. 2nd. i'm 5'8 and an effeminate bisexual with birthing hips inherited from my father #no amount of being a cis guy could make me masc #but my main point being. why would i want the love of these hypothetical people of theyre only willing to give it under the condition #of cisness. like? hello??? #leevi talks #im in a weird mood today so you guys have to bear with me and my posts #also i have to admit. what made that thought come into my head was me being sad that there probably aren't many #women who'd want to peg me. bc i feel like the amount would be higher if i was cis #but that's still silly #but yea its weird getting a momentarily thought riddled with so much internalized transphobia and sexism etc. it makes you pause #and re evaluate everything about how you were raised bc i know thats not me but a part of me did believe something like that oncr