#Its called fucked up middle-aged accountant disease

[doxxed0367]

Character: writes on the walls

Me: omg just like gra- blows up

(Bonus meme under cut)

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #bendy and the ink machine #batim #grant cohen #yeah im mentally ill #Its called fucked up middle-aged accountant disease #Yeah it’s terminal #No my insurance doesnt cover it #XD #my mad musings #my art

[scary-mostaccioli]

Excellent. Pick a creep any creep with a s/o suffering from Hanahaki disease. Bonus points if it's a soulmate AU. Extra Bonus points if s/o doesn't make it or they get a medical procedure that saves their life but also takes away their ability to love anyone.

Ticci Toby x reader - Hanahaki Disease

Here’s a tw first!! mentions of s*ic*de, blood, hanahaki disease, death

It started out with a kiss- how could it end up like this?

It felt so long ago that your love for Toby had first formed. It was something you had shoved down your throat for as long as you could, terrified of ruining a friendship that had grown over the course of a year over some silly emotion that had taken route in your chest, spreading out its branches with velvety petals decorating each and every limb. 

That was your first experience with the dreaded disease.

It was hard to forget the soft pink petals with little droplets of red that would escape your lips through a series of hacking coughs. It was nearly impossible to ignore the constant ache in your chest that grew day by day, becoming increasingly harder to bare with each passing moment. 

The healing of the disease was a miracle.

One day, Toby had suggested some game he had found on the internet and had wanted to try out. The pocky game, out of all sources of luck. It took all your strength to compose yourself enough to hide the red flush that clawed up your neck and attempted to display itself upon your cheeks as he set one end of the stick inside of his mouth, waiting for you to take the other. Each bite brought you closer and closer to the middle, causing the pain in your chest to grow and grow as well. It came to the point of a stabbing pain as your lips connected with Toby’s. You pulled away in an instant, a cough clawing its way up your throat… just for it to never come. The feeling died out, and the pain in your chest began to succeed. This new feeling forced you to glance at Toby, whose face was painted pink and eyes were warmed with adoration. The day that the disease ended was the day that Toby fell. 

By all accounts this was a miracle on your end- many called you lucky and cursed you for the fact that you would get to stay alive and happy with the one that you loved. From the moment Toby fell it only took days before he asked you out. It was weeks before the first professions of “I love you”s came, bringing laughter and joy with it. It was days from that in which your second kiss was shared- this time a proper one- and months from that until fate had decided to catch up with you. 

Toby had always remained close with you, even as the pain in your chest started up once more. It confused you- maybe it was just a bit of chest pain? Maybe you didn’t sleep right. That had to be it! That was the only logical explanation considering things were still perfect with Toby. But while Toby was gone one night fulfilling his duties to the Slenderman, that was when the petals came back.

At first you hid them, and you hid them well. With every cough there was a tissue prepared to catch the  bloodied petals as quickly as you could, and the cough passed off as a cold. Though soon you didn’t need to hide them. The white man of power had begun to pull Toby out more and more for missions, and with that the petals became more frequent. It wasn’t uncommon for you to cry yourself to sleep each night, blood staining the bed sheets with petals and chunks of flowers littered upon the floor. 

Soon those chunks began to turn into full flowers doused in blood and bits of stick pained with a burning pain ripping up from your chest to your throat. The soft pink petals from before were not longed for in exchange of the full roses, thorns and all, that would force your mouth open with blood dripping from the back. It was hard to eat, impossible to sleep- something had to be done. 

With all the strength you could muster, you pushed yourself up from the bed and made a trek toward the shed in the back. The lock came off of the door handles with ease, and the doors creaked open with little effort. It was almost as if the universe were trying to help you with this little plan of yours. 

A life without Toby would be too painful for either of you, and dying from flowers was a painful way to go.

You grabbed one of the hatchets that Toby had hid in the shed as replacements for his own in case one of them happened to break, and with the weapon in hand you set yourself up in preparation, typing the hatchet to the ceiling to throw it up and have the blade imbed itself into your skull- a perfect plan. One breath, two…

And Toby was home. Hatchets discarded outside he barged into the house with a grin displayed and several rocks in hand, calling out your name in search of you. His best idea of where you could be was the bedroom- you always were on nights like this, considering Toby always came home in the late hours of the evening.

“Wait until you see the rocks I found you,” Toby began, looking them over as he walked into the room, “They reminded me of you because-” At that moment Toby looked up to a lack of a presence in the room. He almost thought you might be in the bathroom, but the splotches of red on your bedsheets made his blood run cold. He hesitantly walked over to the bloody mess, taking half a second to observe it. What was the huge chunk in it? He picked up the chunk in his hands, inspecting it for a moment. The thought hit him hard- Hanahaki disease, something BEN had talked about in one of his stories ages and ages ago.

Toby ran around the house in search of you. Fuck, he should have known this would happen to you as soon as his love for you started to fade. He wished he had said something sooner instead of relying upon his strong platonic love for you to keep him going. Turning the house inside out without sign of you spurred Toby on. How long ago did you leave? He stopped in the kitchen, angry tears pooling in his eyes. This was all his fault, he couldn't believe it. Though Toby knew you to be sensible. The chances were that you were on your way to the hospital to get the flowers taken out and to lose your feelings and possibly all memory of him. That was fine by Toby! He could live with that as long as you were alive!

He stepped back outside, taking up his hatchets to put them away. He started his walk around the house and to the shed. Reaching the back yard, Toby knew something was off. The shed doors were open. Huh… Toby never left the doors open, and the only ones who knew the lock code were him and...you.

Toby chucked his hatchets down, making a run toward the shed. Flinging open the doors in time to see the hatchet swing up in the air with all the force you could muster, and swing right on down...into your head. Blood spattered Toby, your face forever set in an expression of shock as your eyes rolled back into you skull. Toby’s scream of horror rang through the air, likely alerting everyone in a mile radius with the anguish he felt. Toby stumbled over to where your body hung limp, held up by the hatchet in your head. What an experience- one that could have been so easily avoided. Tears spilled from Toby’s eyes as he flung his arms around your limp corpse, the warmth still there from the life that was there mere seconds ago. He pulled down in an attempt to sit on the floor with your body in arms just for a blood-curdling scream to pierce the air as a sickening crack emitted from your skull with the hatchet still buried inside. The only thing that Toby could do was sink to the floor with your legs clung to his chest with all his might, sobbing over how far he had let this ordeal go.

#creepypasta #Creepypasta x reader #ticci toby #ticci toby x reader #angst #Kinda angst? #hanahaki disease #hanahaki #request

[grapesodatozier]

Anything You Want

a fic for @heterophobicrichietozier !! thank you so much for requesting this fic!!

rating: explicit

words: 7.5k

tags/warnings: sugar daddy au, domtop!richie, subbottom!eddie, daddy kink, age gap, marking (hickeys), degradation and praise, porn with feelings, mentions of sonia’s abuse

notsfw below the cut!!

Eddie Kaspbrak was running short on both money and patience. He was only just over a month into his second year of nursing school, and he was already struggling to pay his rent. And sure, rent in New York City was never easy to pay, but he’d been saving, he’d had a plan. The problem was that pretty much all of his money had unexpectedly gone toward his tuition when his mother had refused to pay for a second year at school.

At eighteen, Eddie had left his small hometown in Maine and moved to New York City to start college. He had just barely convinced his mother to let him go, and to help with his tuition as long as he covered his own rent. He was required to call her four nights a week, and he had to go back on the “medicines” he’d disavowed around age fifteen (all of which he routinely flushed down the toilet), but the physical distance had been amazing—at first. Soon, though, it wasn’t enough, and his mom started demanding he call her every night, accusing him of being reckless and taking advantage of her. When he’d told her he wasn’t coming home for the summer, she’d exploded into hysterics, crying and telling him he had to come home. It was when she began rambling on about how Eddie was probably running around with dirty New York City girls and catching all sorts of horrific sexual diseases, demanding that he come home so that she could keep an eye on him and find him a nice girl when she decided he was ready for one, that Eddie had snapped. Though it had been the result of years of pent up frustration and rage, he had stayed calm as he told her that he wasn’t missing her calls because of girls, but because of guys—because he spent his weekends getting fucked by men. “Sorry Ma,” he’d said, his voice cool as steel and even as could be, “but I can’t really pick up the phone when I’ve got some guy’s cock inside of me.” It wasn’t exactly the coming out his friends Bill, Ben, and Mike had been gently running by him, but he was angry, and it had felt good; he figured she’d have had the same reaction no matter how he said it, so what the hell, right?

Still, it stung when she’d told him she wasn’t paying for his college anymore. He hadn’t really believed her at first, as she was still hounding him about his sins and how he needed to come home, but sure enough, when emails about tuition began rolling around, they all went to his school email and explained that his name was the only one on his account, that his mother had bestowed the loans onto him and given up the account. Eddie nearly vomited when he’d received that email. As soon as the room stopped spinning, he blocked his mother’s number.

He already had a job for the summer tied down, but it was just an internship level position filing in a medical office, and it was only four days a week; there was no way it would cover tuition and rent and food, among other expenses. So he was forced to take on a second job as a waiter at a new restaurant a few blocks away from his apartment, then a third job working at a mechanic shop on Fridays and Saturdays. On top of all of that work, he had to completely redo his FAFSA and reapply for loans given his new financial circumstances. His school and the government did give him a bit more, but not enough to drop any of his jobs. 

By the time classes rolled around, he had paid his tuition for the semester, but he’d had to dip into money he’d been saving for rent. Now, in early October, he was still working Fridays and Saturdays at the garage and was waiting tables Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. He had a night shift shadowing a nurse on Tuesdays, which left Thursdays and Sundays as his only free nights, nights which he largely spent doing homework. All of this work, and he had still been eating Cup Noodles for the past two weeks.

It was a Friday night, and everything had been going wrong. In the middle of his shift at the garage, he’d gotten a notification from his school’s site informing him that he’d gotten a C on his most recent test, one he’d lost sleep over studying. Then work at the garage had run over and he barely had time to eat dinner before making it to the restaurant in time. He was tired and upset and feeling badly about himself, not to mention missing a party all of his friends were going to, so all it took was one baby boomer yelling at him over a mixed up order for him to excuse himself to the back room and start bawling. Thankfully, his manager seemed to be understanding and let him cool off. “I’ll take that table until they leave,” she told him, to his immense relief and gratitude. By the time she came back to check on him he had calmed down considerably and was staring into the mirror in the break room trying fruitlessly to pat down the puffiness around his eyes, trying to will away the redness that lingered. “Hey,” his manager said, “you wanna take table four?” Eddie sighed and nodded, trying out a smile. “Atta boy.”

He took a deep, steadying breath before heading out for his new table. His eyes fell on a table of three: a woman with dark red curls that fell to her shoulders, a man with truly impeccable posture, and the hottest man Eddie had ever seen in his life. And he was unabashedly looking Eddie up and down from behind a pair of thick rimmed glasses as he approached. “Hi!” Eddie greeted them, his big, bright customer service smile finding its way onto his face like it was possessing him. “I’m Eddie, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you guys started with some drinks?”

“You got me started already,” the hot guy said. Then, meeting Eddie’s eyes, his brow furrowed. “Have you been crying?”

Luckily, Eddie didn’t have to respond to that, as the guy’s much more refined friend chimed in, “I’ll have a gin and tonic, please,” just as the redheaded woman was letting out an exasperated, “Richie, oh my god.” 

“One gin and tonic,” Eddie smiled, his cheeks burning. “Anything else?”

“Could I have a martini, please?” the woman smiled kindly up at him.

“Martini, got it.” As he jotted it down, he prepared himself to face the hot guy—Richie, apparently. When he did, he was struck by the depth of his blue eyes. He was surprised by how warm they were, and they glittered as he smiled up at Eddie. “And for you?” 

“What do you like?” 

“Oh, I’m not old enough to drink,” Eddie flushed, letting out a small laugh. With a joking smile, he added, “The Shirley Temples are great, though.”

Richie laughed, his eyes never leaving Eddie. “A Shirley Temple it is.” 

Eddie’s gaze didn’t waver either, and he put on his best innocent, big-brown-eyes look as he asked, “Virgin or dirty?” He had to fight back a smirk when he saw Richie’s eyes darken.

“Dirty.” The way he said it sent a thrill down Eddie’s spine. “Pretty please, with three cherries on top.”

“You got it,” Eddie said with a wink. Though the day was still weighing on him, he was beginning to feel better already. He might have even swayed his hips a little more than necessary as he walked away. He told himself it was because he could tell this Richie guy was into him, so he was aiming for a nice tip, but really Eddie loved the attention itself. With his schedule, he no longer had time for the hookups he spent his freshman year indulging in. So he couldn’t be blamed for preening under the attention of a hot older guy. Honestly, it was the pick me up he’d been needing for months.

The night went on, all three of them being incredibly kind to him, with Richie throwing in not at all subtle flirtations any chance he got. Eddie didn’t miss the three knotted cherry stems on Richie’s napkin when he brought their food and offered to refill their drinks.

He was almost sad to see Richie go, but he was grateful for the small smile he had on his face as he went to collect his tip and clear the table. At first he went to simply slip the cash into his pocket, but then he realized there was a note on the napkin beneath it: a name, Richie Tozier, with a phone number under it. It was then that Eddie realized he was holding five hundred dollars in his hand. He quickly stuffed it in his pocket, an embarrassed flush running from his ears down his chest as he hurried to clear the dirty dishes and bring them back to the kitchen.

The cash burned a hole in his pocket all night, all the way home. What the fuck? he thought to himself. Because seriously, who leaves a five hundred dollar tip on a meal that was barely over a hundred? Eddie locked his apartment door and placed the money on his dresser, staring at it. Five one hundred dollar bills. Who carried that around? What if they were counterfeit? Eddie pulled out the napkin and studied that as well, deciding to Google the name Richie Tozier. His jaw dropped when he did. There his face was, with his big glasses, cocky smile, and fluffy, dark curls. Apparently the guy was on SNL and had two Netflix comedy specials. He was also twenty-eight, nearly ten years older than Eddie. His net worth? Five million dollars.

Eddie sat down on his bed, his mind spinning. The place Eddie worked was nice enough, but it wasn’t exactly frequented by millionaires. Still in his work clothes, he dialed the number, figuring there was no way it would go through.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?”

It was his voice. “What the fuck?” Eddie blurted out.

He heard a bright laugh on the other end. “Is this Eddie?”

“Yeah, it is, and seriously, what the hell? Five hundred dollars?”

“You looked upset,” Richie said. He sounded like he was trying to be nonchalant about it, but his voice had softened noticeably. 

“So you gave a stranger five hundred dollars?” Eddie was honestly more confused than upset. Sure, maybe his pride was a little bruised, but to be honest he was touched. And kind of turned on. 

“Just redistributing my wealth,” Richie joked. “I’ve got more than I know what to do with, so I figured giving it to a pretty boy who was having a bad day was a pretty good way to spend it.” Eddie flushed at that—pretty boy. The way Richie said it, so casually, yet with a joking tone that made it almost teasing, had Eddie’s pants getting tight. When Eddie stayed silent, Richie continued, “There’s more for you where that came from, if you’re interested.”

“What?” Eddie said, blood rushing in his ears. Was this guy serious? Was this actually happening?

“I’d be happy to help you out if you need it. A college kid like you should be partying on a Saturday night, or taking a fucking nap, not crying at a minimum wage job.”

“Like a sugar daddy?”

Richie laughed. Eddie loved the sound of it. “Yeah, like a sugar daddy, baby.” The pet name made Eddie shudder, made him feel like he was glowing. But still, he didn’t want this guy getting ideas. 

“I’m not gonna have sex with you.” Even as he said it, his cock was hard, and the memory of the way Richie had been flirting with him made his skin hot. But he wanted to make explicitly clear that he wasn’t into selling himself.

“That’s not why I’m offering. Seriously, I just wanna help you out. And sure, maybe you’re ridiculously cute, and maybe I want to get to know you, but mostly I wanna help you out. Pay for your rent, give you time to study and party and be a college student.”

And how could Eddie turn that down? As much as he was struggling with it, with his pride and the stranger danger anxiety that his mother had ingrained in him, he seriously doubted that a hot millionaire would come around again offering to pay his rent. 

So Eddie agreed, and soon he was sending Richie his Venmo information. Two minutes later his phone screen glowed with a notification: Richie Tozier sent you $2,000. 

It had been hard to get used to at first, but cutting his work schedule down to just Monday and Wednesday nights at the restaurant and just Friday afternoons at the garage felt amazing. He finally felt rested, could finally give his schoolwork the attention it needed.

“You know, you really don’t need to work at all if you don’t want to,” Richie told him one night when they were having dinner together.

“I know,” Eddie said to his food, “but I like the independence of it. And working with cars calms me down, it makes sense to me.” He didn’t mention the real reason he kept both jobs: the big Just In Case that loomed over him. This seemed like a fairy tale situation, like an extended, intricate prank, and he was terrified that something would go wrong. He wanted to be prepared if Richie suddenly pulled out for some reason.

However, as the months passed it became pretty clear that even without sex Richie wasn’t going anywhere. And that started complicating things.

It was late in December, which meant finals and holidays, which meant lots of stress. It was the first Christmas Eddie wouldn’t be spending at home, and that made him feel sad in a way he didn’t understand; he was incredibly happy to be free of his mother, but there was something so final about it. He supposed it was still a loss, even if it was a welcome one. On top of that, his days were plagued by the anxiety that she might get a new number, might start calling him again, might show up at his door and whisk him back to Maine. So it was just negativity on top of worrying on top of sadness. Under all this stress, he found himself spending more and more time at Richie’s apartment, more and more time talking to Richie, wanting to get close to him.

So far, things had been pretty professional. They got meals together once or twice a week, often in Richie’s apartment due to fans of his popping up everywhere wanting pictures. Mostly they hung out because Eddie liked it; Richie was always reminding Eddie that he didn’t owe Richie anything, but Eddie genuinely liked his company. 

Also, he was still ridiculously hot, and he fawned over Eddie like he was the one getting paid. 

Seriously, Richie was so amazing to him, it wasn’t just the money. When someone at work pissed him off, Richie put on one of Eddie’s favorite shows and offered to hire some people to beat up whatever asshole customer had yelled at him. When Eddie complained that the construction outside his apartment was affecting his studying, Richie let him study in his apartment, and even brought him hot chocolate and rubbed his shoulders.

Now it was a Thursday, and Eddie had finished his last final. He had just gotten home from saying goodbye to Bill, Mike, and Ben for winter break when Richie called. Like always, the loneliness that was threatening to creep over him began to ebb as soon as he heard Richie’s voice. “Hey! How’d your test go? We still on for dinner to celebrate?”

Eddie appreciated the offer, but a fancy dinner wasn’t what he wanted just then. “Can we do dinner at your place tonight?” he asked, his voice worn and small.

“Of course, anything you want.”

Richie’s driver picked Eddie up, so he didn’t actually see Richie until he was knocking at his door and falling into his arms. Richie, with his roughly nine or ten inch height advantage over Eddie, easily scooped him up and brought him to the couch. “So would it be tone deaf of me to ask how the exam went?” Richie grinned, settling down with Eddie resting against him. Eddie tucked his feet under his legs as he leaned into Richie’s embrace, finding the relief he’d been needing all day once Richie’s arms were around him.

“The exam went okay,” he sighed. “But Bill, Ben, and Mike all went home today, and I won’t see them for like a month.” 

Richie shifted so he was leaning against the arm of the couch, facing Eddie. Eddie naturally moved closer, like a magnet was pulling him toward Richie, and he ended up practically in Richie’s lap. He let out a small, happy sigh as Richie stroked his hair. “I could send you on a trip somewhere, take your mind off of it.”

But it wasn’t just the location that was the problem. Sure, he wanted something to do, but mostly he wanted someone to do things with. A specific someone, if he was being honest with himself. 

Eddie looked down and ran his hand lightly over the stitching on the pocket of Richie’s button up. It was covered in a Pac-Man pattern, but Eddie knew it was more formal than his normal look. The idea that Richie had dressed up somewhat for dinner with him made him smile. And it should have calmed him down as he prepared to ask Richie his next question, but his heart was still racing as he took a deep breath and looked up into Richie’s eyes. “Will you come with me?”

Richie’s eyes widened just barely before a smile broke across his face. “You thought I’d miss out on buying you souvenirs?” 

Eddie beamed. Richie looked so beautiful when he smiled, and his hand was a comforting weight on Eddie’s hip. The thought of travelling with Richie, of sharing a hotel room with him—sharing a bed with him—made Eddie glow. “Did you have any destination in mind?” he asked.

“Anywhere you want.” 

Richie’s voice was soft and low, Eddie felt like he could melt into it. He ran his hand up Richie’s chest, cupped his cheek, and watched Richie’s eyes dart over Eddie’s face, clearly trying to get a read on the situation. Eddie had been thinking about crossing this line for a while. He’d been holding back for months, and as the months moved by, his hang ups had begun to feel less and less important. Sure, the money made things different. But, did it have to? Did it really? Richie was here. Richie was holding him without expectation. As Eddie watched Richie lick his lips, as he felt Richie’s hands on him, he couldn’t remember a single reason he’d come up with to not dive headfirst into what they both so clearly wanted, what they had both wanted since the moment their eyes met for the first time. 

So he leaned in, the tension that had been building for months coming to a head and taking his breath away. But just as their lips were about to come together, Richie murmured a soft, reserved, “Eddie.” Eddie’s heart caught at his tone, and he pulled back a bit, trying to figure out what was going wrong. “You know you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to do it,” Eddie huffed. He was pouting now, and moving to straddle Richie’s hips. “I want you, so bad. I’ve wanted you ever since I met you.” He took Richie’s hand in his and kissed his knuckles. “No one’s ever treated me as well as you do. The way you take care of me, the way you look at me... I’ve never wanted someone this bad before.”

Richie studied Eddie’s face, his eyes softening, darkening. He unfurled his fist and held Eddie’s jaw in his hand, ran his thumb over Eddie’s lower lip. “Fuck, you deserve the world, angel.” Eddie flushed at that. His heart was racing at the light, teasing way Richie pressed down on his lip. Just as he was about to wrap his lips around Richie’s thumb, Richie slid his hand into Eddie’s hair, holding it noticeably tighter than he normally would. “Tell me what you want, baby.” His voice was low and rough in a way that made Eddie wish he would just bend him over and fuck him senseless already.

But Eddie didn’t mind being coy, didn’t mind pulling the tension as tight as it would go, seeing how much he could tease before Richie snapped and took him the way Eddie wanted him to. “I want you to kiss me.” His nose was bumping against Richie’s now, and he could feel Richie’s shallow breath on his lips. Richie’s eyes were dark and didn’t move from Eddie’s face. Eddie took Richie’s hand and guided it from his waist to his hip, just barely on his ass. Biting his lip, he whispered, “I want you to fuck me, so bad.” He put on a pout and continued, “I fuck all these college guys, but none of them are you. They aren’t as tall as you, their hands aren’t as big as yours.” Eddie watched Richie’s jaw clench. “They can’t fuck me the way I know you could.”

“Fuck, baby,” Richie nearly growled. Eddie gasped when Richie grabbed his ass, hard, and tugged his head back. “Did you think about me while they fucked you?” he whispered in Eddie’s ear, his warm breath sending a shiver through Eddie.

“Every time,” Eddie said, gripping Richie’s shirt in his hands. “Wanted it to be you so bad.” 

Richie nuzzled against Eddie’s neck, still not kissing him, still making him wait while he groped his ass. “I know, baby. You needed more, huh? You need your daddy to take care of you.” 

Eddie let out a surprised little noise of pleasure. No one had ever said that to him before. He wasn’t expecting it, and he certainly wasn’t expecting how much he would like it. It made him so hard he got dizzy, completely pliant in Richie’s arms. “Yes,” he breathed, already pathetically desperate. “Yes, daddy, need you so bad, please, please.” 

Richie cursed under his breath and grabbed Eddie by the jaw, pulling him in for a bruising kiss. Eddie couldn’t help but let out a little whimpering moan when he finally, finally felt Richie’s lips against his. They were just as soft as they looked, and so full. As Eddie sank his fingers into Richie’s thick, dark curls, Richie sat up a bit and pulled Eddie closer against him, grabbing him by the hips and pressing their clothed cocks together. Eddie gasped and buried his face in Richie’s shoulder at the feeling. He mouthed at Richie’s neck, moaning at the way Richie smacked his ass. “This is mine, got it?” he said, his voice smooth and low. “None of those little college pricks are allowed to fucking touch you. Understand?”

Eddie moaned at Richie’s sudden possessiveness. All he wanted was to be Richie’s, for Richie to claim him and show him who he belonged to. “Yes, daddy. ‘M all yours, just wanna be yours.”

“Good boy.” He tugged at Eddie’s hair again, pulling his head back so that his neck was exposed. Eddie yelped as Richie licked a stripe up his throat and sunk his teeth into Eddie’s throat, sure to leave a dark bruise. Eddie squirmed in Richie’s lap as he sucked on his neck, hard and intentional. With a final kiss to the bruise, Richie said with a satisfied grin, “Now everyone’s gonna know you’re mine.” He chuckled and nipped at Eddie’s neck again when Eddie moaned. “Yeah, you like that baby? You like when daddy takes what’s his? You want everyone to know what a good little slut you are for your daddy?”

“Yes,” Eddie sighed, already starting to feel like he was floating. After finals and classes and work and months of controlling himself around Richie, this was exactly what he needed. It felt so amazing to just let go and let Richie take control, knowing Richie would take care of him. He couldn’t believe how good this was and none of their clothes had even come off yet. He fumbled with the buttons on Richie’s shirt, but Richie just chuckled and grabbed him by the wrists.

“That’s cute, baby. Daddy decides whose clothes come off and when, yeah?” Eddie whimpered and nodded. Richie slid his hands back under Eddie’s ass and stood then, lifting Eddie up. Eddie instinctively held tight to him, wrapping his legs around Richie’s waist and his arms around his neck. Richie kissed Eddie’s hair as he walked them to the bedroom. “Just let me take care of you, sweetheart.” Eddie’s heart soared as Richie sat him down on the edge of the huge bed, the duvet soft and cool under him. His legs dangled off the side. Richie’s eyes softened as he stroked Eddie’s hair. “You doing okay?” he checked.

“So good,” Eddie nodded enthusiastically, his hands fisted in Richie’s shirt.

Richie leaned down and kissed Eddie’s forehead, and by the time he straightened up again that look that made Eddie shiver was back on his face. Still cradling Eddie’s face, he asked, “Can I get a little rough with you, baby?” 

Eddie’s eyes widened. “Please,” he moaned.

A dark, mischievous grin pulled at Richie’s full, dark pink lips. “That’s a good boy,” he said with a kiss to Eddie’s jaw. “Arms up.” Eddie quickly did as he was told, eager for Richie to strip his shirt off for him. “Fuck, baby,” Richie groaned as he tossed Eddie’s shirt aside. He ran his hands up Eddie’s sides and teased his thumbs over Eddie’s hardened nipples, making him gasp and grab at the sheets. Richie’s hands looked even bigger wrapped around Eddie’s ribs. It made him press his legs together, his cock throbbing desperately in his jeans. “Aw, you don’t need to be shy, kitten,” Richie cooed, forcing one of his legs between Eddie’s and pressing his thigh against Eddie’s crotch. Eddie moaned at the contact and desperately started grinding against Richie’s leg. “Fuck, you look so pretty grinding on me like that. Think you could come like this?” Richie pressed his thigh harder against Eddie’s cock. “Think I could make you come in your pants?” Eddie cried out as Richie pinched his nipples. 

“God, yes,” Eddie moaned, rolling his hips. And he could, he could feel the pleasure building and building. But just as his moans were getting breathier, just as he was really desperately rutting against Richie’s leg, Richie pulled away and tugged Eddie up by his belt loops so quickly Eddie got dizzy and fell into Richie’s solid chest. “Wh-what,” he pouted, looking up at Richie, who was smirking at him.

“Aw, baby, we’re just getting started.” Still dazed and whimpering and achingly hard, Eddie held onto Richie as he undid Eddie’s jeans. Richie then dropped to his knees to pull them off. He helped Eddie step out of his jeans, running his hands reverently over Eddie’s legs as he did so. “Oh, sweetheart, you’ve been keeping these thighs from me for months?” Richie kissed them, making Eddie quiver and flush. “Fucking tease,” he murmured into Eddie’s skin before biting down hard on the inside of Eddie’s thigh. Eddie cried out and grabbed at the bed for support. “Look at these fuckin’ things, you basically wore panties for me.” Eddie gasped as Richie playfully tugged at Eddie’s light pink, silky briefs with his teeth. He’d mostly worn them to feel confident during his exam, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought of Richie when putting them on, or if he said he hadn’t bought them with money Richie gave him. Eddie leaned back as Richie spread his legs, lifting one up to get a better angle to suck marks into Eddie’s skin. The sight of Richie’s head between Eddie’s thighs, combined with the knowledge that his thighs would be covered in bruises by the end of the night, had a wet spot forming on the front of Eddie’s briefs. Richie nuzzled his face into the soft material, just barely grazing Eddie’s cock. He looked up at Eddie, his blue eyes nearly totally eclipsed. “Did you buy these with daddy’s money, baby?” Eddie nodded, blushing. Richie smirked at him. “Is this how you spend your allowance? On slutty little panties?” Eddie moaned at that and grabbed at Richie’s hair, rolling his hips forward and meeting only air. Richie chuckled. The condescension of it went straight to Eddie’s cock, which visibly twitched in his tight little briefs. “Aw, you like being called a slut, don’t you? You like it when I call you out on being a spoiled little cocktease?” Eddie yelped when Richie bit down on the inside of his other thigh.

“Daddy, please,” he whimpered. “Need you.”

For a moment Richie just hummed and kept sucking marks into his skin. But then, finally, he dragged Eddie’s briefs down and off his legs, leaving him fully exposed. Before Eddie could process what was happening, Richie was standing and spinning Eddie around and bending him over the bed, his face pressed into the mattress as his feet once again dangled over the floor. He let out a broken little moan as he felt Richie pull his cheeks apart and run his tongue over Eddie’s hole. After Richie had set a rhythm, lulling Eddie into a pleasured haze, he suddenly felt Richie’s hand come down on his ass. He moaned at the feeling, the slight pain that left an amazing stinging sensation in its wake. “God, you make the prettiest fucking noises,” Richie groaned, once again lapping his tongue over Eddie’s hole. He circled the ring of muscle a few times before pulling back. Eddie was just about to push his hips back when he felt Richie spank him again, harder this time, then felt him spit on his hole. Eddie let out a long moan; it was degrading and possessive in the best way. Eddie tried to rut against the bed, to relieve some of the desperate need that had his cock throbbing, but he couldn’t really do it with the way his feet were hanging off the bed. He heard Richie laugh behind him as he spanked him again. “Aw, you like that, baby? You like when daddy spits on you?” 

Eddie let out a muffled, pathetic little, “Yes.”

“I know, it feels good, doesn’t it? Bet you wish you could get off right now.” Eddie’s desperate writhing was confirmation of that. “Don’t worry, kitten, daddy’s gonna fucking take you apart.” Eddie gasped as he felt Richie slide his tongue inside of him, setting a rhythm of fucking and swirling and teasing that had Eddie squirming. He rocked his hips back, letting his mind go fuzzy from the pleasure until suddenly Richie was pulling out and lifting Eddie up again. As disappointed as Eddie was to have Richie’s tongue no longer in his ass, he was more than happy to let Richie toss him around and lay him on his back, his head falling against the luxuriantly soft pillows. He felt so small in Richie’s bed, felt so vulnerable under his gaze—he loved it. Richie ran his hand all the way from Eddie’s throat down to his hip, taking his time before squeezing Eddie’s hip hard. “God, you look so fucking good like this, baby.” He made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, shrugging it off and tossing it aside.

Eddie let out an involuntary little moaned, “Fuck,” at the sight of Richie’s bare chest. He sat up and ran his hand over Richie’s soft, pale skin, admiring his freckles and the slight muscle definition. His shoulders looked somehow even broader now as Eddie traced his fingers over them. Richie only humored him for a moment before pressing Eddie back down and kissing him, deep and just the right amount of forceful. 

Richie’s hands roamed all over Eddie’s body. “God, you’re such a pretty little boy, baby. Can’t wait to see what you look like when you’re getting fucked.” Richie bit down on Eddie’s lip, sending a thrill of pleasure through his body. “I don’t want you fucking leaving this bed for the next week, gonna bring you everything you need. Gonna fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk, and then I’m gonna do it again, and again.” Eddie moaned as he felt Richie’s finger circling his slick hole. “Gonna keep you nice and full of my cock whenever I can, gonna take such good care of you. You won’t need to worry about anything, gonna be my pretty little pillow princess. You just lie there and be a good little cocksleeve and daddy will take care of everything else.” Eddie preened at the thought of Richie fawning over him, of Richie doing everything for him so that all he had to do was lie back and take Richie’s cock. It had him squirming under Richie as he grabbed at Eddie wherever he could reach, surely leaving handprints all over Eddie’s body as he glided his tongue over Eddie’s. “Can’t wait to get my cock inside you, baby.” Richie sat back on his heels then and eyed Eddie’s hole, rubbing at it teasingly.

“Please,” Eddie moaned, trying to rock his hips onto Richie’s finger.

“Shh, baby, soon,” Richie soothed, leaning over to kiss Eddie again before reaching into his bedside table. He pulled out a bottle of lube and covered his fingers in it. Eddie moaned at the sight; he didn’t think a day had gone by where he hadn’t thought of Richie’s fingers since the first time they met. They were so long, and he could only imagine how amazing they would feel inside of him, fucking him, stretching him open. Richie chuckled when Eddie instinctively opened his legs. “I know, sweetheart, I know.” He tossed the lube aside and ran his clean hand over Eddie’s thigh, holding him still before slowly sliding a slick finger inside of him. 

Eddie gasped and threw his head back; one of Richie’s fingers felt like two of his own and reached deeper than he ever could have by himself. “Fuck,” he cried, “your fingers are so big, oh my god.” 

“Yeah?” Richie grinned, cocky and dark. As he slowly began sliding his finger in and out of Eddie, he slid his other hand up his chest until he was cradling his jaw and running the pad of his thumb teasingly over Eddie’s lips. “One finger and you’re already a mess, huh? You like the way I fill you up, baby?” Eddie moaned as Richie slid his thumb into Eddie’s mouth, effectively silencing any response Eddie could’ve made. He let out a contented hum and eagerly sucked on Richie’s finger, holding onto Richie’s forearm with both of his hands as he bobbed his head. “Fuck, that’s it, baby. Such a good little slut for daddy.” Eddie moaned again, rocking his hips as Richie began to finger him faster. Eddie cried out as Richie thrust deep inside of him, making him see stars. “Yeah, you like how deep I can get inside you, baby?” Eddie nodded. “I fucking love it too, angel. You’re so tight, so small and sweet.” He slid his thumb out of Eddie’s mouth and pressed his palm to Eddie’s throat. Eddie’s eyes widened for a moment, and he tilted his head back, giving Richie better access. Richie pressed down slightly under Eddie’s jaw on either side of his throat, moaning at the blissed out smile that graced Eddie’s face. Richie only pressed down a bit, only for a few moments at a time, just enough to get Eddie’s cock leaking all over himself. He let out breathy little moans as Richie finger fucked him, the wet sounds filling the room.

“Daddy,” Eddie moaned. He met Richie’s eyes as he begged. “Please, please, fuck me, daddy, want your cock so bad.”

“Oh, sweetheart, that’s cute” Richie grinned, his voice low and condescending in a way that made Eddie’s cock throb. “I need to open you up a little more before you’re ready for my cock.” As he said it, he pressed another slick finger inside of Eddie, stretching him out. Eddie felt so full already from just two of Richie’s fingers; his cock ached at the thought of how big Richie’s cock would feel inside of him. 

Eddie was pulled out of his thoughts as Richie spit on his chest, sliding his free hand over Eddie’s nipples, getting them nice and wet as he played with them. “Daddy,” Eddie began, but he cut himself off with a scream as Richie curled his fingers inside of him, making electric pleasure shoot through him. He moaned and squirmed and grabbed at Richie’s hair, at the sheets, anything to ground himself as Richie leaned down and sucked on his nipples, still relentlessly fucking Eddie’s hole with his fingers. “Please,” Eddie gasped, “daddy, please.” 

“You sure you’re ready, baby?” Richie teased. 

“Fuck me, please,” he whined, clearly getting impatient. “I can take it!”

“Oh yeah?” Richie asked, pulling his fingers out. He had a look on his face that had Eddie’s blood pounding in excited anticipation. “Okay, baby. If you think you can take it.” He stood up off the bed then, and Eddie sat up a bit to watch. With rapt attention, his eyes followed Richie’s every movement as he dragged his jeans off his legs, then stripped off his boxers.

“God, daddy,” Eddie whimpered, drooling over the sight of Richie’s cock. It was thick and heavy and hard, and so fucking long, Eddie couldn’t believe he’d been keeping himself from a dick like that for months. It was even longer than any of his dildos or vibrators. He needed to feel it down his throat, he needed it.

Seeming to sense this, just as Eddie began to move toward him Richie lightly shoved him back down. “Stay where you are, baby.” Eddie whined but reluctantly complied. The way Richie tauntingly stroked his cock just out of Eddie’s reach had him debating whether it was worth it to be bratty if it meant getting his throat fucked. But his cock was throbbing between his legs, his hole pitifully empty, and watching Richie roll a condom on and lube up his cock made it hard to think about anything other than getting fucked. “Maybe if I’m feeling generous I’ll come on your face,” Richie mused, almost casually as he climbed back onto the bed and spread Eddie’s legs, settling naturally between them. Eddie moaned at his words and melted back into the bed. The sight of Richie above him, the way he touched him, had Eddie completely pliant. He felt warm and buzzy, almost liquid as Richie ran his hand reverently over Eddie’s thigh. As he teased the head of his cock over Eddie’s hole, he took Eddie’s hand in his and entwined their fingers. While Eddie nearly moaned just at that sight alone, at the way Richie’s hand engulfed Eddie’s own, it was also incredibly endearing, and it made something stir in his chest. Guys didn’t normally hold his hand when fucking him, and if they tried it was just weird, as he pretty much only did hookups. But with Richie… it felt different. The way Richie looked at him was different. Like he didn’t want to miss a single thing Eddie did. 

Richie’s voice was low and rich and brought Eddie back as he asked, “Ready?” Eddie bit his lip and nodded. As Richie pressed himself inside of Eddie, careful and slow, Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand. His mouth dropped open in a silent cry as he felt every inch of Richie’s cock filling him up. Once he bottomed out, Richie let out a low groan and rested his forehead against Eddie’s, pressing kisses all over Eddie’s face. 

“Holy… holy shit,” Eddie panted, letting his body adjust. He’d never felt this full before, had never had anything so deep inside of him. “Oh my god.”

Richie chuckled in his ear as he kissed Eddie’s neck. “What’s the matter, kitten?” he teased. 

Eddie couldn’t even be bothered to take the banter bait; everything felt too good, his mind was numb. “You’re so big,” he said dumbly, saying exactly what was on his mind. “No one’s ever been this deep inside me before, holy shit.” 

“I can tell,” Richie hummed. “So fucking tight for me, baby, it’s fucking amazing.” Eddie let out a small whimper as Richie sucked on his neck. “Does it feel good?”

“Yes,” Eddie sighed. “I just, I need just a minute.”

Richie nuzzled his nose against Eddie’s and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “As long as you need.”

As Richie kissed him, sucking gently on his lower lip, Eddie slid his free hand into Richie’s hair, admiring the way his curls felt between his fingers. Then, experimentally, he lifted his legs a bit, pulling them toward himself. They both moaned at the movement, and Eddie felt Richie squeeze his hand. “Oh my god,” Eddie moaned. He grabbed Richie’s face and kissed him desperately, pleading into his lips, “Fuck, I’m ready, please, please fuck me.” 

Richie grabbed him by the hair and held him down, lifting himself up with his other arm. “Yeah?” he said, voice breathy as he pulled his hips back. He looked amazing, dark curls wild as they hung around his face, his blue eyes dark and hungry behind his glasses, his lips slick and red from kissing Eddie. He squeezed Eddie’s hip hard and asked, “You wanna get fucked, sweetheart?”

“Please,” Eddie whined. He hooked his hands under his knees and pulled them up to his chest, spreading them nice and wide for Richie. He watched Richie’s eyes go dark and begged, “Please, need you to fuck me, daddy.”

Richie snapped his hips forward with a sharp, “Fuck,” making Eddie cry out. He pulled his hips back again, until just the tip of his cock was buried inside of Eddie. “Say that again.”

Eddie met Richie’s gaze with glassy eyes and whimpered, “Please, fuck me, daddy.”

Richie cursed again and thrust into Eddie, this time setting a more steady pace. “God, you feel so fucking good on my cock, baby.” Eddie moaned and rocked his hips, his hands falling to grip the sheets beneath him as Richie began fucking him faster, harder. “You look so good like this, so pretty when you’re moaning for my cock.” Eddie flushed; Richie’s words had precome pearling at the head of dick, dripping onto his stomach.

Richie’s thrusts were getting hard enough to rock Eddie’s body back and forth, moving him so easily as Richie fucked him. Eddie loved it, loved how effortlessly Richie could toss him around. He loved hearing Richie moan as he fucked him, loved knowing that Richie felt just as good as he did. He loved the idea of Richie using his body to get himself off. The thought had him letting out little high pitched moans with every thrust. The pleasure left his mind in a haze, and all he could concentrate on was how good Richie’s cock felt inside of him, all he could say was a desperate string of, “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,” broken up by wordless moans. 

“Fuck, you take it so well, baby,” Richie praised, running his hand over Eddie’s chest. “So fucking good for me. You like getting fucked like this? You like being all spread out for daddy? Just lying back and taking it while daddy makes you feel good?”

“Yes!” Eddie cried. “Yes, yes, yes, daddy, oh my god, ‘s so good, fuck.” 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Richie marveled, leaning down to kiss Eddie. The new angle shifted Richie’s hips, and suddenly Eddie was seeing stars, every nerve in his body coming alive and fizzling like a sparkler. He cried out and clutched at Richie, nearly screaming from how amazing it felt.

“Fuck,” he moaned, his voice high and desperate. “Right there, yes, oh my fucking god, don’t stop, please, please, don’t stop.”

“Aw, sweetheart, does that feel good?” Eddie nodded frantically, his moans becoming shouts as Richie’s cock brushed against his prostate over and over, the pleasure so deep and all encompassing. He couldn’t think about anything else, all he knew was that amazing feeling, all he knew was he needed more. He wanted more and more and more, he could feel it building, was vaguely aware of the fact that he was digging his nails into Richie’s back hard enough to leave scratch marks. 

“Daddy,” he slurred, “gonna c-come.”

“Fuck, baby,” Richie groaned. He spit generously into his hand and reached between them to stroke Eddie’s cock. Eddie’s back arched, pressing himself against Richie. The new contact had pleasure rushing through him, and with a few strokes of Richie’s hand on him and a nearly growled, “Come for daddy,” Eddie was coming undone. Pleasure exploded through him, wracked his body as he came all over himself, all over Richie’s hand, Richie fucking into him the whole time. Beyond the noise of his own moans and screams, he could hear Richie cursing under his breath, telling Eddie how good he was doing. 

Eddie panted as he came down, blinking his eyes open slowly. Still buzzing, he watched as Richie carefully pulled out of him and rolled the condom off before leaning further over Eddie. He spit into his hand again and began stroking his own cock, a sight that made Eddie’s spent cock twitch in interest. 

“Open your mouth, baby,” Richie moaned. Eddie happily complied, sticking his tongue out and closing his eyes. Moments later, Richie’s moans were filling the room, as was the slick sound of Richie stroking himself, and Eddie moaned, small and content as he felt Richie’s warm come painting his chest and cheeks and lips. 

He blinked open his eyes once he heard Richie let out a heavy sigh. He looked amazing, sweaty curls clinging to his face, blue eyes hooded as he took in the sight of Eddie beneath him, covered in come. Eddie made sure to meet Richie’s gaze before he swallowed the come on his tongue, then licked more off of his lips. “Fuck, you’re a fucking angel,” Richie grinned. He swiped his fingers over Eddie’s chest, spreading his come over Eddie’s nipple before bringing it to his lips. Eddie hummed happily as he sucked on Richie’s fingers. He still felt like he was floating. Richie leaned down and kissed him, deep and lingering, before saying, “Let’s get you cleaned up, baby, okay?” When Eddie nodded, Richie climbed off the bed and headed for the bathroom. Eddie watched through the open door as Richie waited for the water to warm, then wet a washcloth under it before walking back over to the bed. Eddie preened as Richie cleaned him, pressing soft kisses all over his face as he gently ran the warm washcloth over Eddie’s cheeks and chest and stomach. “That was fucking amazing,” Richie said. Eddie hummed in agreement. He felt like he was glowing when he felt Richie smile against his skin. “You’re so beautiful, Eds. So fucking good for me.” As soon as Eddie was clean and the washcloth was tossed in the hamper, Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie and pulled him down against him, nuzzling into his neck. 

“You’re amazing,” he murmured softly into Richie’s skin. They lay like that for a few minutes, just holding each other and pressing soft kisses against each other’s skin, until Eddie let out a small, “Richie?”

Richie sat up and met his eyes, sensing the shift in his tone. “Yeah?”

“What… what is this? Like what are we, I guess?” he asked, tracing patterns over Richie’s skin with his fingertips.

Richie smiled softly down at him and stroked his cheek. “Same thing it’s always been. Whatever you want.”

Eddie huffed. “What do you want?”

Richie bit his lip, his eyes flickering between Eddie’s. “I want you. All the time. I wanna take you on vacations and buy you gifts and flowers and dinner and watch movies with you. I wanna date you, Eds,” he said with a weak huff of a laugh. “I wanna give you the fucking world.”

Eddie grinned up at him and pulled him down for a kiss. “I wanna date you, too.”

After a few moments of chaste kisses, Richie murmured into his lips, “I also wanna fuck you in every position on every single surface I can think of.” Eddie rolled his eyes and smacked his shoulder, but he was giggling, and he couldn’t say he hadn’t been thinking the same thing.

taglist: @clouded-eyes-and-salty-tears @eddieeatsass @deadlighturis @constantreaderfool @reddieloserz  @thelazyeye @montconde @itfandomprompts @tinyarmedtrex @nancythebisexualslutwheeler @cutedubutokki @losers-gotta-stick-together

#reddie #notsfw #reddie smut

[sidpah]

Unsigned

5:22 pm                                                                             11/29/2009

For the record, it’s currently, tonight, November 29th, 2009. Shall I continue to prolong the inevitable? I’ve already shuffled to my bedside, kicking off slippers for the last time. They’re torn open around the big toes, and the cushioning has been beaten into flat nonexistence by years of my feet on the cellar stairs, and pacing these narrow confines like a chimpanzee in research cell… They’ve served me well, the slippers have.

I sit on the edge of my mattress, bare feet flat against dirty hardwood floor. Black curls of shed hair, loose clouds of clotted dust cling to mattress and ring the base of the walls. In my left hand is a small brown bottle of laudanum – my five-flavored tea. I’ve not yet tasted it. Initially, I’d planned to use sleeping pills. The old standby. Two Ambien every four hours to help me coast steadily through. I’ve never taken either, the pills or the laudanum, but dissuaded by Zolpidem Tartrate’s more egregious reported side effects: lack of dreams, nightmares and sleepwalking, (along with the more distressing variants: sleep-eating, -driving and -phone calling) all of these wholly defeating my purpose, I felt laudanum to be the more reasonable option. Clearly, I’m not concerned about developing a tolerance or dependency. This leaves me free to increase the dosage should I, at some unearthly narcoleptic point, feel the need has arisen. Carefully though; someone of my size and meager narcotic history could overdose on as little as a few teaspoons, and that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m not aiming to poison myself. I just want a slow steady dream that will fade into oblivion.

One of laudanum’s many benefits to this end is that it should relieve the pain and soreness I’m virtually guaranteed to experience from remaining in bed so long. Another is that it promises to increase oneiric activity rather than squelch it. And I want to be there, I just don’t want to be here. To fill those vacant forms awaiting animation...

Originally, to swallow the Ambien I’d allotted myself two eight-ounce bottles of water. I’d rather not linger on for weeks. I wasn’t sure how much I would need to drink to get the pills down, but I was not about to rely on my own willpower when the thirst hits, as it will, inevitably. I envisioned myself sleep-drinking, guzzling down case after case, entirely oblivious to my error. Four bottles instead of two could have prolonged my survival by one more day. I’m not a fat man, but I’ve read that the body can last for four to six weeks without food. The thought of bedsores and cannibalized muscles doesn’t interest me in the least. Again, this is where laudanum becomes the obvious choice. Already a liquid preparation, there’s no need to consume additional water, which again shortens my life expectancy while downsizing the likelihood of needing a bathroom break, (aided further by the fortuitous disclaimer that laudanum may cause constipation). I know that in my final seconds I will soil the bed like an infant, and I’m okay with that. I simply want that nothing should impede my comfortable retreat. This is a vacation after all, not capital punishment.

I unscrew the dropper and place three drops on my tongue. This will only get easier. I set the bottle of laudanum next to four others, all with tops mostly unscrewed, droppers canted delicately in their necks so I won’t need to wake for more than a second or two to administer another dose. (I won’t mention how much this little gathering cost me, suffice it to say, my meager bank account has already accrued more in daily fines due to its failing to maintain the minimum balance than it actually contained to begin with; there clearly is no stepping back from this precipice. I will not disclose my source for the drug as, as I’m sure anyone reading this is aware, it’s a regulated Schedule II narcotic and obviously not easy to come by through legal means, especially in such quantity. I am not about to indicate complicity on the part of anyone kind enough to aid me on this journey.)

While the subject has been broached, I do have to laugh a little at myself for having opted so quickly for this obscure drug. Aside from its apposite elegance in all the ways already mentioned, my motivation here is terribly transparent. Perhaps it’s my emulation’s greatest work. It possesses a certain mythic sophistication, laudanum does. I can lie back on these stale sheets and easily imagine myself not blanketed under the watchful disapproving gaze of my pale childhood walls, breathing in the complete stygian darkness and faint phantom breath of old burned incense embedded in altar cloth and curtains, but rather in a hazy opium den, a hidden basement off a rubbish-strewn alleyway in late 1800s Europe. I’m lacking only an absinthe chaser. If not a renowned novelist or libertine, then at least a taste of a life I never could have lived in this flesh...

I am going to be as rigorous about this journey as I would a transcontinental road trip. Albeit, one on which I have made no prior reservations and plan to seek out the night’s shelter and morning’s sustenance on the off-chance that those needs should arise. Though I intend to limit my ingestion so as not to overdose, I can’t bear to leave my clock plugged in, red numbers at eye level, visible without sitting or fully waking as they have been for decades. I trust that I can be careful without documenting every dose. I gladly unplug the clock. Fuck you, Alarms, Schedules, and Planners, I’m sleeping in from here on out.

A second layer of curtains have been hung over the already thick blue polyester drapery. I must keep the room as dark and timeless as possible. As much as I love sleep, I’ve always had difficulty napping during the day. Even when, as a child, I was kept home from school (as I so frequently was) by tonsillitis and strep throat and ear infections and bronchitis, often two or more of these occurring at the same time, lying in bed, uncomforted, watching trashy daytime television game shows for the elderly and unemployed. A tonic of voyeuristic hope that was apparently lost in my youthful ennui… An unease about the stomach and shoulder blades, pressure in the upper rear quadrant of the skull, a tension through the back of my neck I’m sure the laudanum will alleviate should those feelings that come with the combination of warm sheets and daylight rear their heads one ultimate time.

The thermostat has been set at a cool 60 degrees. I’ve never been able to sleep when the air is hot. (I sound so fickle… so fragile, and yet sleep has been the paramount activity of the last eight years of my life…) I will wrap myself in five layers of blankets, throws, and handed-down afghans, and curl up, content and fetal. At that temperature I could still survive for up to ten days without any water. This strikes me as too long, but the laudanum is an unknown. There will be no food in my stomach to impede its effects and I haven’t read any studies on cases such as mine.

Driven by decades of unrequited longing… A pitiful creature filled with a hot broth of misery and sorrow that rises to overwhelm the dam of her self-control, and before she can fortify it with sandbags of antipsychotic medication, she’s swept away in her own emotions’ tidal flood… A middle aged man so repentant about one of his many past indiscretions that he deems himself beyond redemption, unrehabilitatable, and so concludes that the only object powerful enough to surmount his guilty memories of that lone infraction is a single .452 inch long hunk of lead sent careening through both hemispheres of his brain almost simultaneously… Ridiculous, asinine clichéd attributes of the suicidal mind as it’s all too often portrayed in popular media. This is where I separate from the pack. I am not miserable or despondent. I am not calling a hotline because I’m lonely or starved for attention. I am not shaking in a corner with a butter knife pressed against my wrist. I am rational and cool. I am tired, but I am content. This body has fulfilled its use, transcended its purpose and is now an empty canister ready to be discarded. A building in natural collapse. Let those old movies play on one last time before the theater closes its doors!

My mother died recently, but I’m not at all depressed. It would sound terrible to say I’m relieved, so I won’t. Not that that would be quite accurate either. It’s a relief from that tense ever-present Not Knowing. Eight years of that queasy, prickly hum, gone… Wondering when it was going to happen, if it would be today, tomorrow, in another twenty years… Not Knowing can break a man. That said, I’ve always had a knack for adjustment, for living with what I have. It feels as though most of my adult life has been one of servitude, caring for her as if, without prior consent of mother or child, our roles had been irrevocably reversed...

Not that I ever longed for more traditional action. Writers mustn’t live busy lives – Eventful, but not busy. If you think something of relative value (there isn’t, in truth, any value in these pages, but we’ll pretend like there’s a crumb or two so we can play our respective roles of writer and consumer for one last day…) it must be caught immediately, with that metaphysical butterfly net, and pinned squirming to the page while the energy is still vibrant and sharp. No one’s going to feel them or love them if they get stale – Words get stale too, just like saltine crackers and three-day worn underwear…

It seems the laudanum is already taking hold… That was quicker than I expected. But then, how much do I really expect?

I’ve just turned thirty, surpassing the natural life expectancy for most figures in human history. This is nothing more than my early retirement. Why submit to thirty more years, early-to-bed and early-to-rising only to loathe my job, my rut, my loneliness or, gods-help-me, my wife, and be forced into suffering the ravages of old age, illness, disease and paranoia of a hastily approaching death? I’d much rather greet death on my own terms. Here I am, ye olde red-handed bastard! Serving myself up on a silver platter for your grim dim black toothless maw!

I’ve never needed to support myself by employment and I have no interest in starting now. My mother received a decent pension from her years working at the plant. It was plenty for our meager means. But there wasn’t enough left in our savings to sustain me for more than a few years eating crunchy rice and beans in a cold house with no electricity to cook them. And now, thanks mostly to her prodigious medical bills and co-pays, even most of that’s gone. In truth, I feel rather guilty living off of that ill-gotten blood money any longer. Fed by those poor brainwashed souls… Of course I feel equally sick at the prospect of having to work a day job or, more likely, a night job, for the next thirty to forty years. I don’t feel that the world owes me a living; I just don’t feel I owe it to the world to live.

My name will die along with me, and I’m perfectly fine with that reality. I have no siblings and no young men in the family bear this surname. Perfect annihilation. Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!

In a second I will pull the chain to switch off the lamp, the last light these eyes will ever register, set the pen next to this little pad and this large stack of collected papers, and then wait to discover with joy and the baited thrill of adventure to which strange lands my dreams will deliver me…

To whomever reads this note, know only that you’ve found the remnants of a profoundly satisfied man, a man untroubled by the tribulations of his world. And that he is even more so, untroubled, now, having been irreversibly freed of his bodily restraints, devious calculating mental formations, and purged of his seemingly endless memories.

With great love and optimism…[1]

 [1] Unsigned

#fiction #depression #suicide note #sleep

[thestaffofgrayson]

1-100 for the unusual asks, you meme lord

Mmmmkay so I cant help being sassy but also wanna give a real answer so we gonna do this -> Anything in parenthesis is a real answer everything else is sass central station

1) Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  Im a dank soundcloud rapper check out my soundcloud at nobodycares540.soundcloud.fuck (I dont really use any of em tbh)

2) is your room messy or clean? *glances over* clean (m e s s y)

3) what color are your eyes? All 16 of em are different colors actually (blue)

4) do you like your name? why? No because its not Jojo (Yes!!! Love the name Perrin gonna be honest)

5) what is your relationship status? *sets status to its complicated* you could say im a bit of a player (deathly single)

6) describe your personality in 3 words or less? Im sorry who? (Described meme lord)

7) what color hair do you have? Minecraft Steve Brown (Ver Ver Pink)

8) what kind of car do you drive? color? No I run like sonic next question (nope fuck driving fuck boulder)

9) where do you shop? Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh (For what Next question)

10) how would you describe your style? Goku Black cosplay (Goku Black cosplay)

11) favorite social media account? The one with the Z U C C (Tumblr fuck snapchat)

12) what size bed do you have?  Uuuummmmmmm my size OBVIOUSLY next questions (Dont know tbh queen maybe?)

13) any siblings? Little shit brother (thats not even a joke)

14) if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  Why this world fuck you what about mars (uuuuhhhhhh no idea gonna be honest)

15) favorite snapchat filter? Oh man! Love this one altho its not well known what ya gotta do is hit the delete button and when it asks if youre sure say yes :D (they change so often I dont pay attention)

16) favorite makeup brand(s)? Whatever it is Genji uses as eyeliner (dooont wear makeup)

17) how many times a week do you shower? I get clean by rolling around in the snow so maybe like 3 times a year (depends usually once a day with exceptions)

18) favorite tv show? I dont watch tv I AM the tv (The Office or if its Anime then Jojos Bizarre Adventure)

19) shoe size? M Y   S I Z E (size 10)

20) how tall are you?  hOWs ThE wEaTHEr dOwnTHeRe (5′9 - 5′11 somewhere in there)

21) sandals or sneakers? Gadget Shoes (legit those are cool but sneakers)

22) do you go to the gym? I think theeessseeee muscles speak for themselves (nope but I do martial arts)

23) describe your dream date  Killing all mortals and achieving a state beyond that of a god (iiiii dont know I dont really see myself going on a date)

24) how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Why do YOU wanna know (no really why tho)

25) what color socks are you wearing? Well I’m at home on the sofa playing sonic the hedgehog and typing up responses to an ask on tumblr that about 5 people are gonna see. That being said, Dragon Ball orange. (not wearing em but I have a fuzzy pair of polar bear socks my friend Ana sent me that I love!)

26) how many pillows do you sleep with? Wait what do you mean not everyone sleeps with 25 pillows are they mad? (One for my head, one on each side, smol pillow, pillow pet)

27) do you have a job? what do you do? I am assistant regional manager at a paper supply company named Dunder Mifflin. (Not currently but I’m gonna apply to Gamestop and Costco here soon)

28) how many friends do you have? Toooooooooooooo many I hate mortals (honestly I’m too lazy to try and count rn)

29) whats the worst thing you have ever done? Well I haven’t seen Mulan don’t call the cops (Iiiiiiii’m not sure I guess cheated on my Chinese final freshman year but hey I needed to pass that)

30) whats your favorite candle scent? V o i d  (I dont use candles that much and I shooouuulld)

31) 3 favorite boy names Jo[seph] Jo[estar], Jo[taro Ku]jo, Jo[nathan] Jo[estar]  (uuuuhhhh I like my name so it would be Perrin, Joji, Donovan)

32) 3 favorite girl names Jolyne Kujo there is no 2 and 3 (Jolyne yes I know but I actually really like the name, Perrin is also a girls name so, Milly)

33) favorite actor? Shrek from Shrek the musical (Robert Downey Jr and Chris pratt)

34) favorite actress? Taylor after she sasses me and acts like nothing happened (Millie Bobby Brown)

35) who is your celebrity crush? McCree (Matt Mercer)

36) favorite movie? UM IS THIS A QUESTION LIKE??? OBVIOUSLY THE SHREK AND BEE MOVIE CROSS OVER SHREK B: HONEY AND SWAMPS (I LOVED Black Panther and Thor Ragnarok but Secret Life of Walter Mitty’s stuck with me for a loooong time)

37) do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I don’t read cuz I’m not a NERD (I mean actual books I don’t ask me about it another time but comics I sure do I love the Marvel Civil War storyline)

38) money or brains? They say Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy me more games! Eat that SUCKERS (Honestly brains because then you can be smart which can make you a lot of money. So many more benefits)

39) do you have a nickname? what is it? Perriushium, destroyer of life and bringer of the new age (Pey given to me by my brother when he was still a baby and couldn’t say my name)

40) how many times have you been to the hospital? Enough to be immune to every disease known to man NOW IM UNSTOPABLE MWAHAHA (none for any of my own conditions or injuries but for family stuff about twice)

41) top 10 favorite songs All Star, All Star, All Star, Chum Drum Bedrum, All Star, All Star, All Star, Never gonna give you up, All Star, All Star (Bloody Stream, Sono Chi no Sadame, Flying Battery Zone, Stardust Speedway, Stand Proud, Goku Black theme, Halo theme, The Apparition, Shovel Knight main theme, Hooked on a Feeling)

42) do you take any medications daily? I take a shot of cold hard whiskey when I get up (nope I dont have anything)

43) what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) The largest organ of my body I’ll tell ya that much (I honestly dont know?? Smooth and soft I guess?)

44) what is your biggest fear? The Communists lol jk Communism is the only way (I’m not so sure on this one gonna be honest I do fear something I just cant think of it at the moment)

45) how many kids do you want? I mean I’m a 16 year old teenager in high school with no job and no relationship that being said 5 (NONE EVER NOPE 0 KIDS)

46) whats your go to hair style? Super Saiyan 3 (Idk I just kinda comb it to the left)

47) what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) All Star. Wait fuck wrong quest- (Two floor medium sized house) 

48) who is your role model?  Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh (uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh)

49) what was the last compliment you received? A like on my post we did it guys we hit one like so I’m here making this 1 like special (I was told that everytime my friend see’s my dyed hair it absolutely makes his day :D) 

50) what was the last text you sent? Yeah that’ll be $5000 for the kill nice doing business with you (Maaaannny pictures of Genji Shimada)

51) how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? WHAT SANTA ISNT REAL????!!!!!?!?!?! (It kinda faded over the years my last strands of belief were gone by 12)

52) what is your dream car? Odie’s car from Garfield Kart (The Mach 5 from speed racer there’s a street legal car look it up)

53) opinion on smoking? Jotaro does it so I do it too (PSA: Smoking doesn’t make you cool or look cool you’re just killng your lungs. I won’t try and make you stop as long as you’re aware I don’t want you smoking around me and you understand the consequences)

54) do you go to college? After that SAT I meeeaaaaannnn McDonalds might be hiring (I’m still in High School but I want to)

55) what is your dream job? To stand in a corner for 8 hours with a lamp shade over my head and make a clicking sound every so often (I would like to be able to draw, animate, design and/or play games for a living. Achievement Hunter would be a fantastic job but I doubt that’s happening)

56) would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? I wanna live in a cloud In the sky and abduct people to harvest their DNA and make clones which I can fight to the death with (eh somewhere quiet and disconnected from people tbh)

57) do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? They fetch pretty high prices on eBay you’d be surprised (Nope I dont use them at all I bring my own and take my own)

58) do you have freckles? My face is a giant freckle little known fact (not really thank god I would look real bad with em)

59) do you smile for pictures? *leans in* I’m gonna let ya in on a secret kid. I wait until the photographer is just about to take the picture and then I hold a middle finger over my face to block the proper shot. Do it enough times then they’ll be payin YOU to get the picture done (I do but I only open my mouth slightly)

60) how many pictures do you have on your phone? They’re all of people I’ve killed because they showed me a stale meme dont worry about it (960 exactly and they’re all either memes, fan-art, or my cute friends)

61) have you ever peed in the woods? Ew no I don’t go outdoors thanks (Yep once on a school field trip in which we hiked to the top of a mountain it was fun)

62) do you still watch cartoons? Well I mean SOME ONE spoiled my belief in Santa earlier so I’m a bit too old for that now. I have a boring desk job thanks LAZLO (I do spongebob is really funny to me still and I LOVE the original Teen Titans)

63) do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? McWendy’s next question (I dont eat either so)

64) Favorite dipping sauce? Drip dip dip I’m boutta rip please i want to die (I dont use dipping sauce either call me a heathen all you want)

65) what do you wear to bed? Well I take off the clothes I wore for the day, take off my earring, ring, necklace, eyes, hair, 3 layers of skin, and call it a night (Pajamas mostly and sometimes sweatpants)

66) have you ever won a spelling bee? *Obligatory Bee Movie Joke* (I’ve never even heard of a spelling bee in any of the schools I’ve been to)

67) what are your hobbies? Well I like to kill all mortals #ZamasuWasRight  (I enjoy martial arts, drawing, video games, game design, and walking around my house with nothing to do)

68) can you draw? UH BOI YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ART IS UNTIL YOUVE SEEN A SHITTY JOJO DRAWING OF MINE (I mean yeah but not well)

69) do you play an instrument? Electric Triangle (Actually, I play the Violin but not super well)

70) what was the last concert you saw? SORRY WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE CONCERT (I’ve never been to one that seems like the opposite of fun for me personally I hate hyper loud music, people, and crowds)

71) tea or coffee? Coftea next question (tea. I don’t drink caffeine if i can help it)

72) Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? I need my sugar sonic rings (Again, Don’t drink caffeine)

73) do you want to get married? I’m already getting married. MARRIED TO THE LIFE OF CRIME THAT IS UP TOP (I mean I would like to one day)

74) what is your crush’s first and last initial? My  Self (I don’t have anyone I’m crushing on)

75) are you going to change your last name when you get married? What’s crimes last name? Smigglesworth? (If my partners last name is something with an S cuz then I can be PJS)

76) what color looks best on you? You know the color mario turns when he uses the super star? T-that (Pink and Black)

77) do you miss anyone right now? PPFFFFFT NOOOOO WHATS A FEEL *CRIES* THOSE ARENT TEARS ITS JUST SWEAT IVE ANSWERED A LOT OF QUESTIONS OKAY (I miss all my internet friends :(  *cries*)

78) do you sleep with your door open or closed? It is neither open nor closed it is in a hyper dimensional state between open and closed in which no mortal can enter or exit but also cannot be blocked from passage (clooossed because otherwise the cats are gonna kill my fish)

79) do you believe in ghosts? I mean how else would I make a long and successful career as a ghost buster (I do!)

80) what is your biggest pet peeve? My pet, Peeve! Biggest one I know! (depends on for what tbh the other day a guest speaker was talking to the class and this kid was playing music in his headphones really really loud and it pissed me off)

81) last person you called? Called what? Called them a nerd? A good bean? A meme? MAKE MORE SENSE YOU ******* **** *** ******** (Well according to my phone, the name listed is “Mom”)

82) favorite ice cream flavor? I’ll ice your cream if you’re not careful (Vanilla with chocolate syrup mixed together is hella everyone GO TRY IT)

83) regular oreos or golden oreos? The fuck is a golden oreo?? (No seriously, what the actual is a golden oreo)

84) chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? *mario invincible star song plays as I flash color and dash down rainbow road* I’ll have to think about it (rainboooowww!)

85) what shirt are you wearing? Well I…. You see… The thing is…. excuse me for one second (yeah I can’t think of sass to this one but my favorite shirt! Sonic mania that my friend Tasha bought for me and I love it!!!)

86) what is your phone background?  RYUJIN NO KEN WO KURAE!! “What do you think of this color? Is it not beautiful?” If you dont know those HOW DARE YOU LEARN THEM AND WE ARE WATCHING DRAGON BALL (Genji lock screen and Goku Black home screen)

87) are you outgoing or shy? Does THIS answer your question >:D (Outgoing when I want to be, but I’m antisocial so it’s like I CAN be outgoing and personable but it’s highly on my terms ya feel?)

88) do you like it when people play with your hair? My hair is a pride to my race the Saiyans hair is a sacred thing I will advise you not to touch it (YYYEEESSSS I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT BUT THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS)

89) do you like your neighbors?  …..the what? Never heard of it before is that a type of appliance? (I mean they’re chill we don’t interact a lot which I’m cool with)

90) do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Nothin can cure this ugly face fest of spring 2018 (I use face wash when I shower which is typically right after school not sure why it matters but there ya go :V)

91) have you ever been high? “I’m high on LIFE maaaannn” -Incorrect Shaggy quotes (N o p e  never have don’t plan on it)

92) have you ever been drunk? shots ShotS SHOTS SHOTSSHOTSHOTS (nope but I will one day maybe in College years)

93) last thing you ate? The shattering realization that my friends will keep saying OWO to me every chance they get (Pancakes! asked for french toast but I loooove the breakfast food so no complaints)

94) favorite lyrics right now someBODY Once Told Me The World Is Gonna Roll Me… (The lyrics to Bloody Stream dude it’s a  g r e a t  op)

95) summer or winter? Sorry I’m on Mars weather its ZXAR right now (eeehhhh winter cuz then I have an excuse to be inside and it’s also the ski season)

96) day or night? I am the darkness. I am the night. I am BATMAN (Night honestly I’m a fan of the darkness)

97) dark, milk, or white chocolate? Plllleeeeaaase its like asking if you’re heart is pure of evil or not. Dark Chocolate is a sin (Milk chocolate is the best chocolate fight me on that)

98) favorite month? See, some may argue for their birthday months, christmas, new beginnings to the year, but I say there’s only ONE spooky time :3 (Altho I’m one of the fools that’s gonna have to go with March because it usually has my favorite kind of weather for where I live)

99) what is your zodiac sign  I refuse to go by Zodiac signs until Ted Cruz is proven to be the Zodiac Kill————–”OLD MEME ALERT THIS IS THE MEME POLICE”   “I AINT GOIN BACK TO JAIL”  (Cancer! I wear a necklace of my sign all the time fun fact for ya)

100) who was the last person you cried in front of?  Me after writing all these (Don’t know actually I try not to cry in front of people ever)

#Perrin answers #Thanks for the ask! #About me

[myquizzilablog]

100 questions

1. Relationship status: Single 2. Last phone call: Mom 3. Last text message: Azita 4. Last song you heard: Can’t remember 5. Last time you cried: A couple days ago 

HAVE YOU EVER: 6. Dated someone twice: Never really have dated anybody 7. Been cheated on: Nope cheated with 8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yeah 9. Lost someone special: Yeah 10. Been depressed: Yep 11. Cried over something stupid: I think that we all have

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12: Blue 13: Green 14: Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made a new friend: Yeah 16. Fallen in love: With Dakota. Well, at least the idea of him.   17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah 18. Met someone who changed you: Changed a certain thing about me, sure.  19. Found out who your true friends were: I’ve always known 20. Found out someone was talking about you: Don’t think anybody has, I been a ghost this year. Nobody got the opportunity   21. Did something you regretted: I thought I would have, but everything happened as it was meant to. 

YOUR LIFE. 22.How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: As if I’m gonna think too long and hard about that  23. How many kids do you want: I think I might wanna pop out 3-4 but it also depends on my partner. If he wants more or less I’ll take that into account  24. Do you have any pets: 2 25. Do you want to change your name: No  26. What did you do for your last Birthday: Went to soul burger with my loves, got a tattoo, went to Melbourne. I really treated myself this year.  27. What time did you wake up today: 10 AM 28.What were you doing at midnight last night: Going to sleep 29. Name something you cannot wait for: summer beach trips and starting work with the best friend 30. Last time you saw your mother: Today 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my life is a work in progress slowly going where its supposed to.  32. What are you listening to right now: Meditation music 33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes 34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: No one 35. Most visited webpage: twitter  36. Whats your real name: arezu 37. Nicknames: rose, rosey  38. Last hug: mom  39. Zodiac sign: scorpio   40. Male or female: Female 41. Primary school: liverpool public school 42. Secondary School: quakers Hill High 43. High school/college: Wyndham/TAFE/WSU 44. Write what ever you want here: i’m feelin’ blue and i miss dakota  45. Tall or short: in between 46. Favorite person: dakota  47. Do you have a crush on someone: dakota 48. What do you like about yourself: my compassionate nature.  49. Piercings: none  50. Tattoos: 4 for now  51. Righty or lefty: Righty

FIRSTS: 52. First surgery: i think i was a kid and it had somehin to do with my teeth   53. First piercing: Ears 54. First best friend: sophie and rebecca  55. First tattoo: three dots on my middle finger  56. First vacation: its a bit complicated. was born in iran, moved to turkey living there for a year+, then came to australia. VIC state first place, then moved to NSW state and then... first vacay... QLD yeah.  58. First name: havent you asked me this like three times lol 

RIGHT NOW: 59. Eating: lentil rice mixed with beans/tomatoes and pickles on the side  60. Drinking: water 61. I'm about to: eat more rice  62. Listening to: med. music  63. Waiting for: kota to get online and update us with something & monday. 

YOUR FUTURE: 64. Want kids: Yes 65. Get married: i would love to  66. Career: something in media where i can work for myself. 

WHICH IS BETTER: 67. Lips or eyes: eyes  68. Hugs or kisses: kisses, that leads to fucking without the awkwardness. when i hug a guy i dunno if im at times absorbing their energy but sometimes i get horny and i guess its because they’re horny  69. Shorter or taller: taller plz   70. Older or Younger: a bit older  71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both 72. Nice stomach or nice arms: i’d like a guy who is fit.  73. Sensitive or loud: both 74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationships

HAVE YOU EVER: 76. Kissed a stranger: well kinda. if we’re gonna get metaphorical i’ve kissed men i dont even know that well so yeah in that sense i have.  77. Drank hard liquor: no 78. Lost glasses/contacts: nah just kinda stopped usin’ em   79. Kissed someone your not dating: always 80. Broken someone's heart: probably.  82. Been arrested: no 83. Turned someone down: yeah  84. Cried when someone died: no i laughed my head off  85.fallen for a friend: Yes ❤️

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. Yourself: yes 87. Miracles: i dont know 88. Love at first sight: no 89. Heaven: Yes 90. Santa Clause: yeah but hes not on this planet anymore  91. Kiss on the first date: Yes 92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No 95. Did you sing today: yeah 96. Ever cheated on somebody: with 97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? if i could only go at the age i am now. either 2004 and i would beg my dad to go see a doctor so that he could catch the lung cancer and i could warn him about the heart disease because of his diet. it would change everything about my life.  98. The moment you would choose: the beginning tbh 99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: kinda 100: did u answer these Truthfully? YES

[randomjerinamo]

Setting the Cat Among the Pigeons

Article in full- 'Setting the Cat Among the Pigeons'

Frank Zappa was quoted as saying ‘jazz isn’t dead; jazz just smells funny.’ The same can now be said of capitalism, as the free market becomes a stagnant monopoly of corporate giants feeding a host of leech-like shareholders and impotent bureaucrats. Capitalism has been working well for the past century of economic and technological growth; so why is it not working now? Why is an entire generation looking down the barrel of a future completely lacking in the opportunities that previous generations enjoyed? The answer may be found in the lack of a truly liberal approach to business; as our enlightened society clings to antiquated forms of aristocratic privilege alongside the radical ideologies of freedom that came to light during the French Revolution.

Many alternatives to Capitalism have been floated, outvoted and sunk in the past hundred and fifty years, but we all know that the Marxist cure for Capitalism is worse than the disease... don’t we? Why are we even talking about a system of totalitarian programming where every facet of society is controlled by a ‘democratic leader’ who can have you and your family shot by the secret police for writing anti-government poetry on a wall that nobody owns? The fact that people are talking about it is an indication of how badly our capitalist system is failing to provide the average person with an equal opportunity to share in the rewards of our exceedingly rich society.

One of the leading proponents for democratic change in Australia is Helen Razer, who makes a very good argument against Capitalism in her book ‘Total Propaganda’ (2017); only once making the mistake of implying that a fictional ‘state’ can be trusted with the administration of law, health, equity and education- without being corrupted by the human vices of greed, apathy, lust, fear or spite. Historically speaking, socialists have proven themselves to be just as prone to corruption as the capitalist next door; from trade union leaders to church raffle-ticket sellers, but so long as the capitalist door keeps falling off its hinges, the ugly head of Marxist class-warfare will continue to raise itself above the level of healthy debate. And while the likelihood of Marxist revolution is slim, a situation such as this allows the dominant ideology of conservative wealth accumulation to continue unabated, while the divide between rich and poor is filled by sectarian politics and would-be authoritarians.

The real test of left wing liberalism versus right wing authoritarianism occurred almost a hundred years ago in Spain, when King Alfonso XIII gave up his right of absolute power and allowed a moderate government to be formed in place of his bumbling efforts to modernise the Spanish nation in the early 20th century (Beevor, 2006). This experiment in democracy was torn apart by the democratic process which saw Communist, Socialist and Anarcho-Syndicalist factions pool their resources to beat the Monarchists (who wanted King Alfonso back on the throne) and also the moderate government that represented the rest of Spain (who just wanted a fair share of what could be produced by Spanish industry and agriculture).

What followed was a war of Nazi-supported fascists and Kremlin-supported communists. The fascists eventually won but not before the communists had annihilated most of their comrades who helped them to win the last free election to be held in Spain for half a century (when General Franco, the winner of the civil war, died in 1975). The Wikipedia entry for General Franco actually differentiates between ‘fascist’ and ‘conservative authoritarian’ governments which adds another twist to the political wrangle that resulted in the second World War between France and Germany (and their respective allies) only a year after the war in Spain ended.

George Orwell wrote a first-hand account of his experiences in the Spanish Civil War (1938), having arrived to fight with the international volunteers who supported the Marxist battle against fascism; fleeing for his life when the Spanish communists began purging their own army for suspected traitors. He also wrote ‘Animal Farm’ (1945) and we seem to be in the same predicament now as Orwell’s cows, horses and sheep were when the pigs moved into the big house and let everyone else do all the work.

Would it even be possible that capitalism could lead to the same situation as Orwell depicted for the inhabitants of Stalin’s Soviet Socialist Republic? Is there any similarity between Russia in the 1940’s and America in the 2010's? The Communists didn’t need to own land to control the lives of the Russian people; they had a political mandate that gave them absolute power over the land, resources and industry. So too did the kings and queens of Europe; before the signing of the Magna Carta which was the first legally binding document that gave some guarantee that those in a position of power would be accountable for their actions.

So what guarantee do we have today that the people in power will use it responsibly? Is your boss going to pay your super? Is your landlord going to fix that leaking tap? Is there a modern-day William Randolph Hearst (aka Citizen Kane) who makes casual phone calls to the U.S. President to suggest changes to American foreign policy? Maybe all bets are off now that China and Russia have successfully converted to capitalist economies run by totalitarian dictators/conservative authoritarians?

Capitalism actually worked pretty well for Western nations during the 20th century, enabling the working classes to step up to a standard of living that almost equated to an egalitarian society- with middle class standards- during the 1950’s, 60’s & 70’s, but under closer inspection, it might have been the socialist demands of trade-unions that gave the average person enough money in their pocket to support the global economy; before the trade unions got so powerful that a state of emergency had to be called by the British Government to avoid a financial collapse.

So… can Capitalism and Socialism work together to avoid the situation of a stagnant market and shrinking economy wherein conservative factions consolidate their positions as shareholders, board members and real estate tycoons? Or do we need to remove the last vestiges of ‘noble birth’ as indicated by hereditary title for this to become a reality for the next generation of landless serfs/empowered consumers? Does anyone have the right to exact payment on land or property that they have ceased to occupy? And can the English Crown really be used today to enact the same injustices that occurred during the Enclosures of the English common lands (Fairlie, 2009) some five hundred years ago?

We all know how negative gearing works; you borrow money to buy a house and get the tenants to pay back the loan for you; alternatively, you can pay somebody else’s mortgage on the house you occupy while you try to save up for a deposit/equity-based bank loan on a home of your own. Whichever way you look at it, the banks are making a lucrative profit on the basic human requirement for shelter and security, which is fine if people are voluntarily partaking of the opportunity that banks provide, but when there is no other choice then it begins to look like a protection racket.

Protection rackets have worked very well in the past, with everyone from Pope Alexander XI to Al Capone making a tidy profit from being the baddest guy on the block, but do the ideals of a capitalist free-market allow for this kind of behaviour? Or do the democratic principles set out by the likes of Plato, Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Abraham Lincoln make this kind of graft and corruption unacceptable for a society that seeks to build a better future for their children?

Alas, this digression can only end in bitter and divisive arguments, so let us look for a solution that allows neo-liberalists and social democrats to profit equally as they work together to prevent Trump, Putin and Xi Jinping from creating a ‘panopticon’ that locks the world into a craggle-like state of Legomania. Needless to say, it would be unwise to nationalise the banks, media and mining companies at this stage of the game, but perhaps we could take one small step in the direction of economic prosperity for all Australians; and perhaps the rest of the world.

Public housing has long been seen as a saving grace for those who have failed to find gainful employment, but what if it was the first and foremost opportunity for first home-owners to purchase a modest dwelling for a minimal amount of interest? And what if these dwellings were designed, built and maintained by the next generation of young Australians who may have difficulty finding employment in other sectors? And what if these public housing projects not only incorporated green technology and urban-friendly recreational areas but also provided a sanctuary for the elderly, disabled and long-term unemployed?

This can only work if a mutual obligation agreement is, a) agreed to by tenants, and b) enacted by local authorities, thus ensuring that a harmonious environment is maintained wherein the values of peaceful coexistence and inter-generational prosperity can be cultivated. Which basically means that getting pissed and bashing your missus will get you, a) arrested by the police, and b) kicked the fuck out of the building. But just think of how much money people will have to spend if they don’t have to pay rent or an exorbitantly tailored mortgage!

Not only that, but the money saved on housing-crisis centres, emergency services and health/aged care will be phenomenal, and if people have a place to call their own then they will be that much happier spending their time redecorating the kitchen, rather than overdosing in the stairwell. We all just want a safe place to raise our kids. Let’s give our hardworking police, ambo’s and child welfare people a break from their routine of drugs, violence and verbal abuse; everyone knows the story about the unhappy rat and the cocaine-laced water bottle, let’s build a happy cage that people can move on from once they are ready to invest in the open real-estate market.

As the capitalist bubbles continue to burst, we just might need Milton Keynes to get us out of another Great Depression; the banks have made a very big profit over the past hundred years of continuous growth (they made enough out of the last housing boom to fund a national space program) and maybe it’s time for them to invest in the future of all Australians? And yes, there are terrible things happening all over the world but even if we can’t beat them all in one day, I still don’t think we need to join them.

References-

Razer, H 2017, Total Propaganda, Allen &Unwin, Sydney.

Beevor, A 2006, The Battle for Spain, Penguin, London.

Fairlie, S 2009, A Short History of Enclosure in Britain, in The Land Magazine, Retrieved 17/05/18 from http://www.thelandmagazine.org.uk/articles/short-history-enclosure-britain

Govier, T 1992, The Right to Eat and the Duty to Work, Chap. 8: Economic Justice and Welfare In Social Ethics: Morality and Social Policy, edited by Thomas A. Mappes and Jane S. Zembaty, 372-83. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Levitsky, S & Ziblatt, D 2018, How Democracies Die, Crown Press, New York, 2018.

Orwell, G 1938, Homage to Catalonia, Retrieved 27/06/18 from http://www.george-orwell.org/Homage_to_Catalonia/index.html

[prayingforanewsoul-blog]

I was 19 I was just getting to know myself, the things I liked to do, my goals, I was figuring out who were my friends and who weren’t, how I wanted my relationships to be, etc. I knew one thing for sure, I was in control of my future. My goal was to go to school to get my accounting degree, someday fall in love, keep my family close, and stay in control. At this point it was mid-semester and I hadn’t enrolled in classes in over a year but I was determined to the next semester. All I did was work and hang out with my absolute best friend (she’s family!) I was content with how my life was. In April 2016 an old “friend” came back into my life. Now I wont name any names but we dated off and on when I was in high school. He wasn’t a good boyfriend at all and I am not even sure when I gave him yet another chance, but I did. That was the absolute worst decision of my life. He was so convincing, he told me he had changed for the better. I guess that’s what jail will do to ya. It definitely seemed like he changed until the first time we hung out after 3 years. I picked him up from a fast food restaurant, he was dressed as a worker but I really didn’t care where he worked, everyone my age is working on their future at this point. He originally told me he worked at a restaurant in Denver. Now tell me, when you think of that you would probably think like a bus boy at a restaurant downtown or a waiter or MAYBE EVEN A SERVER! But guess what turns out its just a fast food joint that allows their felon employees to mix codeine with some free sprite. Anyways, we talked and it was good and we decided we would try this horse shit one last time. By now its like 10pm and I’m trying to sleep. He asked me to drop him off up the street at a strange pretty fuckin hidden building that was obviously a halfway house but he simply told me he has a meeting with his parole officer. I’m like AT 10PM?! Here comes the lies. But obviously he was embarrassed with his ain’t shit life so I was nice and told him he doesn’t have to lie to me I already know he’s a felon I mean it cant get much worse from there. Don’t get me wrong y’all I was a loving girlfriend. I mean I think any guy would love to have a girlfriend that would treat him like I treated this prick. I brought him food, I brought him medicine when he was sick, I picked him up from work even though it was only a couple blocks away, I basically got him anything he wanted and needed because I’m fuckin sweet okay. There was one thing I didn’t want to give him quite yet though, that was my body. I didn’t want to have sex so soon because I feel like after that, with him, that’s all the relationship would be about. Plus I live with my parents, I’m not banging anyone in my house and its not like I can sneaky sneak into the halfway house for a dick appointment. He agreed we could wait until he was released from the halfway house and really I was shook because that wasn’t for like 4 months and I am like wow maybe he has changed. Anyways later that month (I KNOW SO MUCH DETAIL IN ONE MONTH AND THAT’S NOT EVEN IT) on the 24th we had made plans to go on a little date. I picked him up around 4 and we went to go get noodles and we enjoyed our noodles together. This is boring. Like really. Then for some reason he wanted to drive my stupid little Kia but y’all know me the law follower and I’m like wait you’re in a halfway house, you actually cant drive right now like that’s a rule and also you don’t have a license. But ya know convincing as he was he ended up driving to the park and I swear I was panicked the entire time because he was the worst driver. He even was when we first dated back in high school. He like went to turn when in a double turn lane and got in the other lane and I almost shit bricks but he didn’t crash so I was playing it cool. Anyways we were chillin at the park and all he can really think about is how he would love to bang me obviously but he played it off like we were just chillin having a good time in good weather. *** gets graphiccccc*** anyways so we start making out and of course he’s more horny then a fuckin hornets nest and we go back to my car. He is still in the drivers seat and ya know we start touching and shit. He wanted to go somewhere more private but still in the car I’m like listen up bud my windows are clear as day. But of course as horny as he was he found a vacant parking lot. We were making out some more and he got on top of me with his dick out and his fingers inside me. I knew he was going to try to fuck me and I didn’t want that! I told him no so many times but he proceeded to lower my pants even further, past my knees. I told him to stop and just go sit in the other seat. But guess what he said? JUST GUESS. Jk ill tell y’all. He’s all but I love you. Fuckin prick you didn’t love me and even if you did I don’t want your dick inside me. My face has been turned away from him for at least 3 minutes by now while I continue to tell him no. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I remember looking at the pepper spray in the middle cubby of my car and thinking about spraying him, but I also remember a couple weeks before that, when he told me if I sprayed it in a closed area, it would get us both but I didn’t even care fuck my eyes right. But my body wouldn’t let me fight. And now that I am in therapy I know why, my body knew that he was stronger than me and I would put myself in more danger. My body couldn’t fly because he was on top of me, holding my shoulders down with his forearms and my legs with his while he was inside me. My only option was to freeze. I remember looking at the houses to the side of us just wishing someone would see and save me. I remember him forcing my face toward his for a kiss. I was crying when he finally got off of me, he was angry. I couldn’t believe what just happened to me. I was supposed to be in control. I didn’t know what to think. He got out of my car to what he told the police “get some air” then I drove him back to the halfway house in silence. I wasn’t in control. Here’s the thing, I was so confused with my entire life, I knew what had happened to be was sexual assault or some people prefer the R word and really I don’t. I went home and just laid in bed thinking about what I had to do next. I texted my very best friend and asked her if she could meet me for lunch the next day because I wanted to talk to her about something (this) and she replied and told me to just go over to her house. It was already late, probably around 9. So I just went over to her house, I needed her. She came out to my car in her pj’s and asked me what was going on. I told her, I told her everything. We both cried together. It was so uncontrollable. I have never cried like that in front of anyone. She told me I needed to report this to the police but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I didn’t want my parents to know I have ever been touched like that. I was ashamed. She then reminded me that I would need my mother by my side regardless and I agreed. I was so scared. I googled what I could do and one of the things said that I could report anonymously. I thought it was perfect because I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with it but I could also report it. So I called. The desk cop asked me all of my information. I thought this was odd because I was reporting anonymously. But then I thought maybe she just needed it because she needed to know who the information came from. About 30 minutes later I got an anonymous call. He told me he was officer rex and he asked me where I was. I couldn’t just hang up or lie so I told him I am in my car and he met us. He asked me if I was ready to go to the hospital to have a rape kit done. I got scared because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with all of this in my life at this point. I also knew the consequences that my now ex boyfriend would face. I was nervous. The cop reminded me that my now ex boyfriend didn’t even take into consideration the way I would feel when he was doing what he did. So I followed the cop to the hospital. It was so scary. I just remember walking in escorted by a cop with my best friend. The nurse I first seen to get vitals asked me if I was suicidal or homicidal toward anyone besides my boyfriend. He knew. I didn’t want people to know and really writing this I am still not sure if I want anyone to know. We then went back to the room I was going to be in. all of the nurses at the nurses station starred. I could just feel their eyes on me and I was so ashamed. I felt so disgusting. I couldn’t stop crying even when I was walking, I could barely see. The nurse who did the exam asked me what had happened as she looked over my entire body with a black light, then swabbing my entire body, then looking with a special light to find any bruises that haven’t surfaced yet. There were picture taken that I would never even take myself. Then she offered me pills to block from sexually transmitted diseases and infections and pregnancy. I didn’t take the plan B because I didn’t think I needed to and personal preferences. But I took every other one. When the exam was over the detective was waiting for me outside of the room and walked me to another room with my best friend, the nurse, the cop, and him. I had to tell him what happened after I already told this like 5 times in the same night. I was about halfway though telling him and he asked me to start over because he wasn’t recording. I was dramatic. I was angry. I didn’t want to just fuckin tell this all over again like a fuckin broken record but here I am. Then he asked me if I still had the clothes I was wearing when it happened and I told him they were at my house. The officer offered to follow me home and wait up the street with his lights on for me to get the clothes. I agreed and then the detective said “make sure you don’t forget the unde-…. Panties” LIKE HE REALLY CORRECTED HIMSELF FROM SAYING UNDERWEAR TO SAYING PANTIES LIKE WHAT A FUCKING CREEP. Anyways, we all went our separate ways. Me and my best friend and the cop went to my house so I can get my clothes and obviously not forget my panties. After that I decided me and my best friend should go get ihop because ya know sometimes it’s good for he soul. I had a pounding headache from all of the crying and it was 2 am. But I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping. I hated my life. I was trying to eat but my head hurt so much and I didn’t even know what my life was at that point. I hated it so much. When we were driving home all I felt was sick. I pulled over to the side of the rode and just let it out. I threw up everywhere right outside my door. It was disgusting. The next day when I woke up, I called my mom and told her what happened. I was still crying. I didn’t know what was going on in my brain. I was going crazy. She told me she would tell my dad for me. I didn’t want my brothers to know. Even though my now ex boyfriend was already picked up by the police and was in holding, I still didn’t want my brothers to know. This all happened on a Sunday night into Monday morning. All of Monday was a blur. Then Tuesday came and the detective called me to see what I wanted to do about charges. But first he told me “your boyfriend is really apologetic and is sorry for what he did to you and hopes you will forgive him” the detective also mentioned that if he is changed he will go back to jail because he is in a halfway house. THIS PRICK WAS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY AND GUESS WHAT IT JUST CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. LIKE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. He also told me that  a trial would be really hard and it would be tough on me. So like I told him we should just put it all on hold and give me time. TURNS OUT THE MOTHER FUCKER WAS LIKE CLOSED BITCH- you will hear about this later. Anyways then the fucking prick who ruined my life hopped on the social media and was trying to get in contact with me. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I had him blocked on everything and even changed my number. But guess what, he MADE A FAKE PROFILE! TWICE! So like yeah I had to get a restraining order. Like lets skip over it all to when we had the hearing for a permanent restraining order. Our time slot was like 9:20 and we didn’t get called till 9:50 and he still wasn’t there so I was like coooool this will be easy. But it wasn’t. I had to tell the judge what happened in front of a room full of strangers and then he showed up. I froze and couldn’t hold back my tears. I couldn’t handle this life. But eventually I was granted the restraining order. Luckily he hasn’t contacted me since. I started going to therapy a couple months after this happened. I felt like I was literally crazy, I blamed myself for not fighting him, I blamed myself for even giving him another chance, I blamed myself for trusting him, I hated my entire life (still so). I always had nightmares, all of these thoughts came up in my head. Like remembering the time when I was there starring at the houses near by wishing someone would see and save me. Like everything. I hated everything. I was so emotional. I didn’t know what to do with my life and I really just felt so paralyzed. All I ever did was cry. I just couldn’t continue. My therapist explained to me that everything I felt was normal and I wasn’t just going crazy. Eventually I decided to get a new detective on my case and go forward with charges. It didn’t end the way I would have liked it to and I still have some words for them all but what can a girl do. Still to this day I struggle every single day. I panic all the time. I can’t stand when people hover over me, I cant stand the sound of Kevin gates sometimes. I cant go where this all happened, I hate to talk about it. I cant have sex if I am sober, if I do, I know I will ruin the moment with my ptsd symptoms. I always keep myself busy so that my mind doesn’t wander. So that the part of my brain that still tries to process this, cant. I always stay distracted. I am working on that. I am working on myself. Because I still have goals and I cant let this fucking prick ruin my life anymore than he already has. I haven’t fucking asked for this. He should be the one suffering. But you know enough of the dramatics. I am hopeful that someday I will be better again and I will be in control again. But I cant relax without my brain trying to remember, trying to process. I don’t want to remember this. I just want to be free. I will admit I use alcohol to get away. It is the only time I am awake, and can have a happy time with out being busy with school work or work. The only time I can let go and be wild Klarissa. I just know I have to keep moving forward with my life and working on myself for myself. Because if I could have stopped this from happening I would have, and we cant go back into the past.

#metoo #sexualassaultsurvivor #survivor #rape

[somekindamushroom]

AMANITA DERIVATIVES: A NEW TREATMENT FOR DEMENTIA? - PART IV

Enter Oxford and Cambridge graduate Jeremy Levin, a wealthy, cosmopolitan 63-year old businessman who holds South African, British, North American and Israeli citizenship. His wife, Margary, is the daughter of Stanley Feldberg, co-founder of TJX Companies, America's biggest discount clothing store chain (TK Maxx in the UK). Levin previously worked with hedge fund manager Alex Denner in managing the Jewish-American multi-billionaire Carl Icahn's health investments: the same Carl Icahn who stepped down last month as President Trump's 'special economic adviser on financial regulation' having received advance warning of a conflict-of-interest issue going public. In October 2013, after just 18 months in the post, Levin resigned as CEO of the world's biggest generic drugs company, Teva, which is also the biggest commercial firm in Israel. Apparently, he was pushed out by the company chairman because of his excessive job and cost-cutting. At any rate, he was suddenly unemployed, 59 years old, and had a lot of time to think about his next move.  

For anyone with a CV like Levin's there must have been plenty of top posts available, but in listed companies there's a limit to a CEO's wages. It's not like private companies where you can do a Sir Philip Green (one of Rachel Uchitel's many clients) and pretend uprightness while screwing the British taxpayer out of hundreds of millions of pounds (or pretend fidelity while trying to screw every busty, botoxed B-list babe in sight). Levin's next step up the corporate ladder was to found and become chairman and CEO of his own private company, Ovid Therapeutics, whose stated mission is to become 'a leading neurology company' and make him super-wealthy in the process. This seems to be a trend with middle-aged and older Big Pharma CEO's of late. Just a month before Levin stepped down, Art Levinson, the long-running Apple chairman and former Genentech CEO, founded his own Google-backed Calico hoping to combat ageing. In 2014, Tony Coles left Onyx with a personal $60 million windfall to found Yumanity Therapeutics, which raised $45 million to study fungi (yeasts) in the hope of an effective treatment for the likes of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Unlike Levinson, Coles is one of the few if not the only African-American biotech CEO in the States, and he had to create that position for himself. The chances of something good coming out of Yumanity are pretty slim.

The official story behind Ovid is that Levin's interest in neurology was sparked by news of those 'breakthrough' Alzheimer's drugs and the subsequent disappointments in late-stage human trials (see part one). However, Teva already had a strong foothold in the neurology market with its flagship multiple sclerosis drug, Copaxone, a branded product which brought in $3.5 billion in sales a year. This cash accounted for most of Teva's branded pharma business and 20% of total group sales. Teva also makes zolpidem and other widely-abused GABAergic drugs. Levin's departure came at a critical time for the Israeli behemoth as its patent for Copaxone was due to expire in 2014 and competitors were lining up to introduce cheaper, generic alternatives. It doesn't take a big drop in sales to threaten a group's entire corporate structure. They are like Jenga towers. Partly as a bulwark against the anticipated loss, some clever folk at Teva had taken pre-emptive measures years in advance by going on the acquisition trail.

The key acquisition for the purposes of this inquiry was Teva's announcement in May 2011 of its purchase of world-leading biopharmaceutical and neurodegenerative specialist company, Cephalon, for $6.8 billion. Luckily for Teva, the recent death by leukemia of Cephalon's 57-year old founder Frank Baldino Jr., made the company vulnerable and allowed for a smoother transaction (this wasn't the only time Teva capitalized on the death of an adversary). The deal brought Cephalon's billion-dollar flagship narcolepsy/analeptic drug Provigil (modafinil) and a dozen other products into Teva's portfolio. Most of Provigil's income is from widespread off-label use as an alternative to amphetamine, and it is used in this capacity by both the military and by astronauts to keep them wide awake and alert (does this mean less 'friendly fire' in future Major Tom?). Levin will have been familiar with all Cephalon's mind-altering products, and it just so happens that one of them in particular, the anticonvulsant/epilepsy drug Gabitril (tiagabine), is a derivative of nipecotic acid, which itself is derived from muscimol, the main active ingredient in the Fly Agaric mushroom.

So before Levin was given the boot “with immediate effect” by Teva, not only was he experienced in the business of neurology; he was also selling an approved drug that originates with the Fly Agaric. And sure, he would have been watching with interest the failure of one novel Alzheimer's drug after another. Next, he sets up a company to specialise in 'rare brain diseases', Ovid Therapeutics, and goes looking for, or had already found, a promising drug candidate. When he strategically joined the board of rising Indian biopharma firm Biocon in January 2015 he was probably already in talks with the Danish pharmaceutical company Lundbeck over one of their patented compounds - gaboxadol - that had done next to nothing for the past seven years. Three months later, Lundbeck sold its exclusive rights in gaboxadol to Ovid for an undisclosed sum, likely to be only a few million dollars given its history of failure (shades of Vivek Ramaswamy?). Lundbeck will also receive milestone payments and royalties in the event of gaboxadol going to market.

So gaboxadol has been resurrected for the second time, and a third wave of human trials are ongoing. This time, Levin thinks gaboxadol may be useful as an 'orphan drug' for a few “orphan diseases”, a group of around 7000 rare diseases so-called because they affect such small numbers of people that Big Pharma traditionally gave them a wide berth. There's just wasn't any money in it. Not any more. Orphan drugs are the new gold-rush, and they are gradually creating a lucrative new market for Big Pharma. The exclusive pharmaceutical drug Soliris (eculizumab) is the most expensive drug in the world. It is an orphan drug. A Scarface-type coke habit is particularly expensive, and it has brought many a good man to ruin, but if the rare disease you've got happens to be PNS or aHUS, well you'll have to 'excuse my French', but you're well-and-truly fucked, unless you've got a spare $500,000 a year to spend on an orphan drug which has special privileges over non-orphan drugs. Of course, you could be one of the lucky ones. The company that makes it, Alexion Pharmaceuticals, confesses to negotiating “secret discounts” for certain individuals on a case-by-case basis. But I digress...

[hewwogamma]

The year is 2047, and at the age of 100, President Donald J Trump has passed away. Leaders around the world fly to the world’s largest building, The Great Trump Tower in New York City, to pay their respects. The great glass tower, designed by his son Eric Trump was completed on the site of the former United Nations Building, to serve as the headquarters of the third Bank of the United States after President Trump dismantled the Federal Reserve as his final act in office in January 2025. His son, Barron Trump, now in his early 40’s stands at the podium to greet the many sobbing faces. As 5 Star General of the American Cyber Command, formed by his father as the new branch of the military to face a new millennium, Barron is expected to pick up his father, and his sisters legacy as the third Trump in office at the next election. “When my father took office, barely 30 years ago, he swore and oath to protect and serve this country. The fake news media of the day, said he had no path to 270 electoral votes and that there was no chance for him to win. If only we had known then, what corruption that the treasonous viper Obama had sown amongst his vile swamp in Washington.” “Fortunately for America, his movement … to Make America Great Again … could not be stopped. Within the first few months, the traitors were dealt with, and America had to face a grave scenario, a trial of a former American President, Barack Hussein Obama, with a punishment of death for his treason. Although my father hated Obama for what he did to this country, the mental illness we now know as betaphilism was rampant throughout America. He knew he needed a justice, a social justice to heal the nation. Although Obama admitted his guilt, that he had acted seditiously with the aid of a shadow government to distort the election and take down the office of President Trump, my father pardoned the traitor. The country was united as Obama was banished to his birth country of Kenya” “That was a proud day for my father, but as we all know now, it was just the beginning of our new Great America. Although his first two years were difficult to get his legislation passed, due to a failing congress, the new MAGA party filled congress in the midterm elections, and with both a super majority in the House and the Senate what are now known as the “Great American Decade” had begun.” “My father released deep state secrets that changed the world forever. Hidden cures for cancer and the secrets of zero-point energy that had been suppressed by the Clinton, Bush and Obama presidencies changed the face of the planet. Healthcare no longer became an issue, as all the diseases and sickness of the world were eradicated. The corrupt religion of Islam collapsed and state sponsored terrorism was eviscerated as the nation’s formerly known as Saudi Arabia, Iran, and the OPEC cartel collapsed as oil became worthless in a new free energy society. “ Barron lifted his golden handkerchief from his pocket to wipe the tears from his face. As he looked upon the visitors at the eulogy before him, he saw many red hats. Those fucking hats. “I remember,” he chuckled, when I was just 10 or 11 years old, I saw in the early days of my father’s campaign, right there in the audience. This old gentleman, he had to be in his 60’s had this beautiful red hat. I thought my father made them as a joke. What presidential candidate wears a red trucker hat? He screamed at my father, “LOCK HER UP”. I spent that night browsing the web, and quickly realized how we could win this election. I told my father that I couldn’t tour with him, that I had to meme. I shopped that damn hat on a couple frogs, you guys now know him as Pepe, the great symbol of peace. I joined hundreds of thousand other meme warriors to do something that had never been done before. We won an election, took down the corrupt establishment, with the internet. It was hard to describe what that felt like, it was hard to understand what this meant for the world. That a few “Pedes” as we were called, could take down the Clinton Cartel, which was later discovered to the the largest money laundering and child trafficking organization in history, by actually becoming the News.” “As the swamp was drained, the rest of the world came around. We had a few setbacks… we all know what happened to California when their state went bankrupt and starved itself of food and water, causing it to be split into 5 states as a condition of its federal rescue. But we had so many victories.” “My father’s stern policies on China caused their country to collapse, resulting in a cultural revolution that lifted the shackles of communist government from their shoulders, freeing them to become the great bastions of freedom and rich triple countries of China, Tibet, and New Taiwan that they are today.” “We also united with our great friends Russia, to build a great space partnership that put both of our nations flags on the moon again within my father’s first term. It is amazing that those early steps of partnership have led to what is now a population of 200,000 on our great New Washington city on the moon. Even the Trump-Putin bridge is one of the most beautiful architectural and engineering achievements ever built at its time as our nations united, with American Steel, to build a beautiful connection across the Bering Straits as part of my father’s Third Infrastructure Bill in the Great American decade. “If there is one thing my father could do, it was build. So many people thought that he could never build the Great Wall of Trump that has been the cornerstone of our America’s policy for the last three decades. Who would have thought that the wall in its final form would be so vast, that on my twenty second birthday I was able to participate in the Great America bike race upon that wall along this nations southern border. Fortunately, the famed Great Ivankan Wall” along our Northern boarded with Canada did not have to be built. Although Canada was collapsing due to failed immigration policies and terrible leadership, my sister completed our Manifest Destiny, and America had to annex Canada into the fold. With the 5 new states formed from the former California, as well as Cuba and Puerto Rico, Canada made a welcome addition to these United States.” “Although my father accomplished many great things, I think it was his partnership with his first Secretary of Space, Elon Musk, that truly inspired the world. When he cleaned the swamp and NASA and gave the rains of NASA to the Elon, who generously gifted his company Space X to America, a generation of Centipedes watched as the foundations laid by my father, in choosing to partner with the brightest business and industrial minds in our country came to fruition. For the first time, American men, and women put their first steps on Mars in 2026, the 250th Anniversary of this great nation. Although Ivanka was President, it was the dream and his first speech to congress in 2017 that started it all.” “When it was time for my father to step down, America was tired of winning. He had warned us, all of us. He would keep pushing and pushing to win and win until we just couldn’t take any winning any more. People told him, President Trump, you don’t need to accomplish everything! You have done so much! Cancer cured, energy solves, peace in the middle east, the strongest economy, America is Great Again! He told them all, each and every one of us, no… you will Keep Winning, and together, we make this country greater than ever before.” Now I know you have all heard this story before, but I must retell it, because it was what earned my father his spot-on Mt Rushmore, and our family name on the thousands of schools, parks, roads, and museums across this country. His Great Act will be down in the annals of history forever, and it must be repeated.” Chief Justice Ted Cruz, Speaker of the House Jason Chaffetz, Senate Majority Leader Tom Cotton, and the Governors of all the states in the union held a surprise ceremony in Congress at his final state of the Union. They had taken one of the fucking Red MAGA hats, and gilded it in Gold. Chief Justice Cruz walked forward amongst his speech and quieted the audience.” “President Trump,” Cruz shouted, “We the people, of these United States, have taken so much from you. You sacrificed your wealth, your freedom, and your family, to put everything on the line to face the gauntlet and corrupt country which we use to be. The weak, tired, losing America. You gave up everything, for us!” The Chief Justice Fell to his knees. “You, Donald John Trump, have truly Made America Great Again, Big League. We ask upon you, for once, to take something back for yourself. We offer you this, the MAGA Crown, to lead this Great America, for Life.” My father knew, that only George Washington had been given this opportunity. He knew that he could continue to make this country greater, even greater still, but my father said the worlds that will never be forgotten.” “My people, my Americans. I, your humble servant, will fight for you until my dying breath. Together, Americanism, not Globalism, has been our Credo. We have Made America Great again but this torch must be passed to the next great one among you. I hope my courage, and my furious Patriotism, have inspired a generation of Great Americans, to push this country to heights beyond my wildest dreams.” Barron softly wept, as gazed across the American Flag, with each of its 75 beautiful white stars, was laid over his father’s coffin. “I leave you, my family, my people, my pedes, my American’s, my Lunars, my Martians, to remember, that in America, no matter how hard it is, or how great we have become, this is the country that a 10-year-old boy, can change the course of history, with a few frog meme’s and a twitter account.” This is truly the best timeline.