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serlymurly · 6 years

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A RANT ABOUT CHARACTERS, CREATION, AND THE PROCESS OF BEING INSANE

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s have a rant. A good, old fashioned rant about something that’s been nagging at my mind. First, paint the scene;

It’s 6 in the morning. The sun is rising outside. The love of my life is asleep in bed, our cat is in a box lined with a fuzzy blanket that I could have draped around my shoulders because frankly, it’s a bit cold. We have no creamer, and I think coffee wouldn’t help this headache that’s pounding away at my skull - and I have four people talking in my head.

Did I lose you yet? Probably not. It’s pretty straight forward. First - the puppy nailed to the wall. Four people talking in my head, what? Well - technically, I think they’re all me. But on a different level, only two of them are me. Got it?

One of me is going on about how this is all, in fact, a terrible idea and that to post any of this is to admit to a certain kind of insanity that I really shouldn’t be admitting to. This isn’t normal, on any level; I’ve never heard people talk about it, and the only person that I’m aware is actually on point with how I do things in writing is asleep.

The other part of me really wants banana bread, and frankly, I can’t fault that. Can you? Of course you fucking can’t, unless you’re allergic to bananas. Fuck yeah, banana bread.

Then, there’s the other two. One is a face that people who follow me are familiar with; James Oaklen. Don’t know who he is? Probably not! I’ll talk about him later. And he’s having a lovely conversation with this newest creation, this newest part of my intracranial house - Aeslen. But I won’t talk about her. Not yet.

So, yes. Four people. All adamantly talking their points, all actively going on and doing their own thing; existing in some level on a scene that I’ve always had in my head. Let’s explain that bit, shall we? Sorry this is disjointed - again, no coffee.

Flash back I don’t know how many years, and I was a young, young boy. I barely had any understanding of how to type; I’d never played a game outside of Banjo-Kazooie and Super Mario 64, games that required a controller.

I will spare the dirty details, but life at home was not perfect. There was yelling; there was hitting, there was strife, and a family that was slowly tearing itself apart. I could see the writing on the wall when I was 7, that’s how bad it was. So - my mom decides it’s a good idea to introduce me to this game she plays.

A game called Ultima Online.

And holy crap, that was amazing! I spent hours doing nothing of any importance on her computer, on our shitty internet in that crappy home in Ohio, just exploring this world with a character that I had created with my own two hands in a whole other world. This was a concept that I had never experienced; this was a new and exciting frontier for me. I named him Krill because that’s a COOL name and it sounds COOL. I gave him flaming red hair, I made him a paladin, and I spent hours just trying to kill skeletons in a really easy area at the start of the game because I kept forgetting how to fight things.

And then, one day, everything changed. UO, it turns out, maybe just the server I was on - had a very active community of this thing called ‘Role Players’. Weird, right? People who actively played out their characters as real, living things - in this world. Personalities, histories, everything. I stumbled on them by accident when I got lost in the big castle in the main town of the game.

There, at the time, was a bunch of high-end guilds. One was the Orcs (it was just people with orc masks on, but they pretended to be orcs and they rocked at it). There was the Highlanders (they wore kilts and I REALLY WANTED TO BE ONE). There was a merchant guild, and - all these other guilds I feel bad not remembering. And I was just this little seven-year old kid with a character named Krill with flaming red hair that walks into the middle of this big, IC meeting they were having. Imagine them responding to me with actual respect?

Imagine them actually… explaining what they were doing? With respect? I was so awestruck, I asked if I could play. They made me door guard. Boy, LET ME TELL YOU, I took that job so seriously. I stood just outside the meeting and I could see all their little talk, all while making sure nobody entered without permission. I was so hyped.

That, that stuck with me. Okay? Remember that. The idea - the concept that they had presented to me, this way that you could live another life through a digital form. That stuck with me.

But - well, things change. People. Lives. I never really got into the RP scene on that game; I wandered around and pretended to be part of things, but it was mostly them politely recognising me and letting me watch them do stuff. I only had an hour each day online, so it just - wasn’t enough. Eventually, my mom stopped paying for her UO account due to issues. So - back to the nintendo and other things.

Flash forward. Divorce imminent between the two parents. The world is collapsing around us children. My sisters are massive assholes, my brother and I feel like we’re alone together in a sea. So… in a desperate attempt to keep his spirits up, I introduce him to the concept. “Let’s pretend to be Link and go slay invisible monsters!”

Stupid, right? So we pick up sticks and start staying as far away from our house as we could. We’d talk about all the things we were fighting, we’d hit each other with ‘swords’, we’d drag our local friends into it! We just - disassociated. I think for him, it was mostly the swinging the sticks that was interesting; always fighting, always smacking things. But for me? I was using my mind to, you know. Envision such grandiose and wondrous things for us to be fighting! I was imagining landscapes, unspeakable monsters, and the type of person that I would be!

That evolved. Stuff happened again. We moved from where we’d been living to a new environment; Michigan. I like Michigan, don’t get me wrong; fucking love it there. But, well - we were young. I didn’t know anyone, and it was 5th grade. And then - more stuff happened.

I won’t go into nitty details, but one of my sister’s had a major incident occur. This lead to the family being put under more strain, which eventually finally snapped the cord. Grandparents died. One suddenly, one from cancer shortly after. A nasty, nasty divorce that left me feeling horrible. I was convinced that I could have stopped it - all of it. I was convinced that I should have; since I wanted to be that big hero, remember? Since I wanted to shoulder all the burdens.

I took it upon myself to never show any problems outwardly, after that point. I just smiled and acted silly and nobody really paid me much mind. “Oh, he’s always fine!” It’s about this time I got into (GASP) UO again. Freeservers, this time; technically, I think that was illegal, but who cares. I got deep into it; I made my first *real* RP character, who was of course a massive dork. Leone, a grey elf ranger that ate lemons - because I’d convinced *myself* that if you ate enough lemons, you could spit caustic spit? I don’t know, I was weird.

Leone would be my staple character for a long time. So long, in fact, that I began to wonder - as maybe we all do - where he stopped and I began. Sure, he was an elf with magic and grey skin - but personality wise, I felt he was a lot like me!

Then I learned that was a cardinal sin of roleplay. Apparently, you should never - EVER - make a character like yourself. You become too attached - which I did. You become too personally involved - which I did.

Games change, years move on. I went to SWG, I played a new character - Stodosmo Oci (horrible name I know). He was a security officer at a hospital! It was great. I loved it. It was a long, boring time of just sitting and watching doctors RP it out with patients in Mos Entha. And then.. I don’t know. Things. Again.

Went from there to WoW. Technically, I’d been in WoW since Vanilla - but the lore had never struck me as interesting enough to roleplay in seriously until just before BC released. I had a series of characters there, all sharing the same last name; Rodetan. Eventually, as Wrath came to a close, I decided to consolidate them into one large family tree.

WoW’s timeline sucks. That’s all you need to know about that.

Who remembers the early days of WRA? Alliance-side, there was a guild called ‘Stormwind’s Army’. Yes, it was just another military RP guild. Yes, we did a lot of patrolling and policing. It was fun, though; my character rose from an unwashed bum to chief recruitment officer. And then - drama happened. The guild split. I followed the ‘rebels’, and we formed the Vanguard of the Alliance (VotA). That was also fun.

Anyways, I’m sparing you all the nitty-gritty details - but this is where the story, once more, becomes interesting. After so long, VotA eventually fell apart. We all went our separate ways, and eventually three of the officers let me know that they’re still RPing in-game with this new group - Blood of Arathor, I think it was called. I’m asked if I want to join them. I say - sure, but not on the character I’d been using.

At the time, I was - kind of embarrassed of that character. I still am. He’s my best success story, yes, but he felt - I don’t know. Too close to me, in some ways that I won’t get into. So I thought - why not make a NEW character?!

OH BOY.

But there was a problem. And this is what most of this rant was building up to.

I had to build a new character.

From scratch.

Alright, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? - Except somewhere along the line of creating him - he came alive. In designing him, in creating his personality - I suddenly found that I was physically talking to myself - and in my mind, this quiet man was responding. James Oaklen, Knight of Stromgarde, was telling me about himself.

His goals. His life. His loves. His interests. All about himself; his world. How he felt about certain foods, how he felt about everything.

At the time - I had very, very acute problems in the real world. I was taking drugs, drinking heavily, I was obnoxiously depressed to the point of being borderline suicidal - and… well, this happened. What did it mean?

Don’t answer that. It’s not a real question, because it doesn’t matter.

I accepted that he was who he was - and he’s become one of my favorite recurring personalities in my characters. And he’s not the only one, anymore. At some point, this - new way of creation, this way to create characters that exist in my own mind - just, settled in.

So.. I wanted to document how it works. Sort of. Maybe you at home can replicate it?

I start by closing my eyes. I think about what races there are to choose from, what classes or skillsets; and then I just… start to see a person. Whoa, weird, huh? Just an outline. A faint outline.

So, we reach out with our mind, and we call to them; and they slowly come forward. We get an imprint, a basic idea for what they look like, in our minds. So - we go to the creator and we try to do that. As close as possible.

Then we look at the character. Scars; how did they get them? Each scar is a story in itself, and as you look - they begin to tell you about each one. As if just explaining casually. James has a scar along his neck, which he earned when he almost died defending his Lady - something that he constantly thinks about as a time that he failed.

Or, other big features? James - again, using him as an example - has a large, bushy black moustache. It’s his family’s staple, a sign of their masculinity and proof that an Oaklen has come of age.

And so on. Then, by the time we get to the point where we have to name them, they’ve already told us the most important things. We don’t just have a vague outline in our little mind shack; now, we have a PERSON. And the name? Well… That’s a limitation of the system, baby. Pick something as close to what resembles the name they called themselves, and stick to it.

I could go into more depth. I could go into the process of creating a video where I create a character, but - well, why? It’s just this vague idea that I want to get across right now. I really doubt anyone will read this five-to-seven page long spiel all the way through. But it’s just - interesting, to me. It constantly is there, this - process, these characters, these people. And not just them; worlds come just as easily. Is that the product of an over-active imagination from a man that was desperately seeking to avoid reality and paint a better fiction for himself to sit in? Probably.

But… I don’t know. When it boils down to it, I just let it happen. I get ideas in my head all the time for wondrous worlds, characters and things - but the most agonizing problem is that they can never seem to translate into text or print. I can’t paint worth a damn, I can barely draw - and the one medium I have for escape, Roleplay, is something that I barely do anymore.

So - how do I make it stop? Do I want to make it stop? Should I? How do I harness this? How do I focus it into something specific?

If you made it this far, congratulations. I don’t know how to end it, so I’m just tagging all the mmo’s I’ve ever played or remember playing for giggles. Kudos if you get all of them!

#uo #wow #ffixv #wildstar #swg #coh #cov #co #eq #eq2 #DAOC #Horizons #Rift #Neverwinter #NWN #NWN2 #do nwn count as mmos? I like to think they do #Probably missing some #rant

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missblue664 · 7 years

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A La Carte

Chapter One: Appetizer

Loki is a single father trying to recover from his devastating divorce. With a new job, and an attentive boyfriend things seem to be turning around. But ghosts from his past are never far from his doorstep.

This is based off an RP between myself and @lash-worthe

It was Loki's first night at his new job, and he was nervous. For a while, everything had seemed to be spinning out of control. His personal life had gone to hell, his wife had turned into someone he didn't even recognize, and only during the divorce proceedings had he found that she had, in several drug hazes, gone through every bit of money they had, destroyed their credit and left them with nothing. Their home, cars, everything was repossessed, and even that didn't pay off everything. The destruction of their credit had cost Loki his job, and, the bankruptcy had left a blemish on his credit record so dark that no traditional 9 to 5 job like he'd had would take him on. In desperation he had finally swallowed his pride and looked into being a server. One of the largest, best, and most expensive restaurants in town had an opening and Loki had managed to interview and get the job, and tonight was his first official night on the job. He smoothed out his uniform once more before going out to tell his children goodnight.

"Now, Fenrir is in charge until I get home. Bed by 9 and I will see you all in the morning." He gently kissed each of his children on the head. "When will you be home?" Fenrir asked, looking up from his video game. "Late. I told you, I have to work until the restaurant is closed. Do not wait up for me Fenrir."

"Papa!" his youngest whined, clinging to his legs. "Helena.. let Papa go to work.." The eldest of his three came over and pulled his sister off their father. Loki leaned down again to kiss his daughter's head, smiling softly at Fenrir. "Please, Helena, listen to Fenrir. Dinner is already made, just put it in the oven for 30 minutes, I'll be home before any of you know it." He grabbed his jacket and eased it out of the door, adding as the door shut behind him, "Good night, I love you all." He trotted down the stairs from their apartment to make the several block walk to the restaurant. It was cold, but there was no money for a car, or for bus fare. There was no money for anything, even food was a challenge to afford. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the positives.

As he walked he thought about Tony, he wondered what his paramour was up to tonight, and restrained himself from texting the brunette. After some hesitation and heavy consideration, that he had even decided to beginning seeing Tony semi-regularly. Tony seemed to be a very sweet and kind man, and Loki enjoyed their time together. He was taking things fairly slowly, hesitant to mention or introduce Tony to the kids, and telling the children very little about Tony at all, not even his name. Tony didn't seem very fond of children, and that made Loki nervous so he kept his mouth shut about his children.

But otherwise Loki was very fond of Tony. He made Loki feel like a giddy teenager, and at times, they both acted like hormonal, horny teenagers. Though Loki had refrained from having sex with Tony, (he didn't quite feel ready for that yet) that hadn't stopped he and the other man from becoming well acquainted with each others body, usually barely able to keep their hands off of each other and spending most of their dates making out. It was a bit of a rush to be wanted again, to feel desirable again. The crumbling of his marriage had left Loki's self-esteem in the pits, and he was only now beginning to feel like something more than a failure.

He paused outside of the restaurant, taking a few deep breaths before heading inside. His pale cheeks and nose red from the chill outside. He shivered into the warmth of the restaurant. He shook a few glimmers of snow from his coat and cleared his throat, "Ah....Mr. Stark?" Three sets of eyes turned up to greet Loki, one pair he was intimately familiar with, Tony, the other two, judging from the familial appearance related to Tony. The other man's face bloomed into one of a welcoming smile, "Ah! Mr. Ruser! Good to see you again." Loki was trying to not stare at Tony, and he definitely hoped that the elder didn't notice his slight paling at seeing Tony. Loki shook hands with Howard, "Mr. Stark, good evening. I suppose I'll be training tonight, is there anyone that will be training me? Perhaps I should meet them?" "I will be, and we'll have a quick meeting at 4:45 with the rest of the staff so you can meet them then." The woman stood, "Have you eaten yet?" "Oh... no, but I'm fine.." he smiled sheepish and she tsk'd and pushed Loki into the seat she's just abandoned, "Non sense, you look like you haven't eaten in days, you sit here and Tony will fix you up something, there's always one meal on the house here." Howard nodded, "Besides, you can't sell the food if you've never eaten it." Loki tried not to feel shell shocked, but here he was mouth open trying to find a polite turn down, when he could find nothing he nodded, "Tony... what ever you think is best... I trust you." Tony smirked at the comment, but kept everything distant, "Smoked Salmon over a bed of yellow rice with asparagus, hows that sounds? It's the house special." "Sounds amazing." Maria patted Lokis shoulders and kissed Tony and Howard's cheeks, "Good night boys, be good, and good luck!" Tony headed to the kitchen, and when Loki turned back to the table Howard was there talking to him. he barely realized the time pass as Howard was walking him through his expectations of how he wanted Loki to be with customers. There was a moment when the spell was broken when a dish was set down in front of him. The smells were tantalizing, and he felt his stomach lurch in anticipation. "Oh.. this smells amazing." "Well... tell me what you think?" Tony stood off on the side, and slowly Loki ate, and moaned softly, "Oh... god Tony, this is amazing... thank you... this is ... amazing." Tony was beaming and Howard finally had to swat his son with a dish rag, "Get out of here you egotistical prig! Go get the kitchen staff ready!" "Ow! Alright! Alright, I'm going." Loki found himself eating quickly, enjoying the first real meal in a few days, he hadn't eaten in a few days in order to make sure his children were fed, and the meals he did get were when Loki and Tony had gone out. He found himself more focused on the meal and didn't hear much of what Howard said. Howard finally left him, "when you're done eating, put your dishes in the sink and meet me by the front bar." Loki nodded and continued to eat, when he finished and was resisting the urge to lick the plate clean. He sighed and finally stood and went further into the kitchen, "The dishes go here?" Tony's head popped head out from under a hood, "Yup that's the place." He smiled, "Good, that was wonderful Tony." "Thanks, I've been wanting to cook for you for a while, just... we seem to keep missing each other." Loki fiddled with a fork, "Well all you had to do was ask." "I have, but we seem to keep missing each other, and you always decline when I ask you to come over for dinner." "It... it's hard to get out in the evening. You could cook lunch or breakfast too." "Yeah, but those don't have the same kind of ambiance I'm trying to go for," he looked over his shoulder back towards the front of the restaurant and then added, "And I'll be a good boy I swear, dad wont know anything." Loki offered a smile, "I trust you Tony." Tony went to open his mouth, but Howard's thunderous voice ricocheted around the kitchen, "Anthony Edward Stark!" Tony twitched, "Jesus fuck dad, I'm 35, not 15, can you please STOP doing that!" As the two men bickered, a lithe blonde walked up beside Loki, "You must be the new guy Mr. Stark was telling us about." Loki jumped faintly but offered an easy smile as she realized her posture was open and welcoming, "Yes.. that would be me. I'm Loki, you are?" "Mikel," she guided Loki out of the kitchen and towards the front, "Don't worry about them, they're always yelling at each other, I think it's one of those dysfunctional, functional family things." Loki laughed, "I'll keep that in mind." After a few moments Howard and Tony joined the wait staff in the front, Howard talked about what to expect with the days crowds, and then Tony covered the house specials and a few notes he wanted to cover about the regular menu. With a clap, Howard said enthusiastically, "Alright people, lets go out there and have a good night, we've already got customers at the door. Loki, you're with me." Loki nodded and joined the older Stark accepting a note book he provided. Together they worked the floor, and eventually Howard let Loki work the last two hours of the night by himself. The elder Stark clapping his new employee on the shoulder, "You're doing great, the customers love you, if you need anything I'll be in the kitchen." "Thank you Mr. Stark." "Keep it up." Loki smiled thankfully and moved through the night with skill and ease. Right as door closed to the customers, Howard bid everyone good night, and left Tony to close everything up. Once the last customers were out of the restaurant Loki joined the rest of the staff with cleaning up, wiping up tables, busing dishes to the kitchen, and general cleaning tasks. Almost 45 minutes later Tony stuck his head out of the office door calling out, "Alright folks, come get your tips!" Then he called each staff member by their name, and Loki just smiled a small secretive smile as Tony saved his name for last. He bid Mikel goodnight as she walked from the store and then slipped into the office. He met Tony's smile and leaned against the desk as tony asked, "So, how was your first night?" "Busy, but I like it, the staff is friendly." "Yeah, good, as much as Dad can be a grouch, he's good at HR, always picks good eggs to work here. Also, you're tips." Loki took the small collection of bills and tucked it into his pockets, "You run a well managed restaurant." Tony laughed, "Thanks, learned from the best, I practically lived here since I could walk." "It shows," he pushed off the desk and back to his feet, "Well, I should be getting home." Tony reached out and grabbed his hand, "Hey, when are you working?" "Hum?" he had to fish around for his phone to find his schedule, "I am working 4 days, counting tonight, Tomorrow, Friday and Sunday." "I'm not working until dinner tomorrow, want to get lunch tomorrow?" Loki considered before nodding, "Yes, I can do that. Where would you like to meet." "My place? I'll cook." A small laugh escaped, "You really want to cook before you have to coming into work and cook?" "Surprise! I actually like my job." Tony was smiling with excitement, "If I could spend all day in a kitchen I would, and if I get to cook for people I like? Talk about icing on the cake!" Loki laughed to himself as Tony stood and locked up the safe and pulled on his jacket, "Well then we will have lunch." "Perfect." Tony leaned in and place a soft, chaste kiss to Loki's cheek, "Until tomorrow." "Tomorrow." Loki promised and went to grab his jacket and headed out to make the long walk home.

The scene Loki walked into was, was not what he had anticipate upon getting home. His eldest was trying to drag his youngest to her bedroom, and his middle was sitting on the couch reading. "NO! I wanted to wait for papa!" "Helena! You have to go bed!" As soon as everyone registered that he was home, Helena wiggled from Fenrir's grip and tackled his shins. He sighed, "Helena, bed was two hours ago." "I wanted to wait for you." "Darling, you can't do this, you have school tomorrow." "But I wanted you to kiss me goodnight." He picked his daughter up and walked her to her room, he tucked her in bed and kissed her forehead, "Sleep, I'll see you in the morning." She gave him a kiss in return and with lights out, she was quickly passed out. He exited her room to find his two sons climbing into bed, he followed after them to kiss them both goodnight as well. As he sat on his eldest's bed the boy started to apologize. Loki hushed him, "Sleep Fenrir, I'm not mad. Thank you for your help." The mollified the boy who relaxed as Loki stood, "Goodnight papa." "Good night Fenrir, Jeorge, sleep well." he leaned over to kiss his middle child who gave a soft yawn and hugged his neck before rolling over to sleep. Loki backed out of the shared room and turned off the lights, he closed the door and found himself sighing and resting his head against the door. Things had to get better.. at least now he had a job. As long as he didn't handsy with Tony, or Tony with him, there wouldn't be any reason Howard would want to fire him. He could start saving up, maybe afford a car, but... he still had to pay all those bills. He turned to go his room and went to shower before flopping in bed. And for the first time in a few weeks, the stress of his situation didn't keep him awake.

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