All your faith, all your rage | Chapter 1
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Part: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine
Summary: Gareth is relearning how to deal with high school after sudden hearing loss, and Eddie sees in him another little sheepie to rescue. Set before ST4.
Pairings: Eddie Munson & Gareth Emerson
Word count: 3,324
Warnings: Sudden hearing loss, low-key ablism, and people being weird about disability. Hurt/comfort fic, autistic and deaf character written by an autistic and deaf author
Read on Ao3
A/N: Trying something new and cross-posting to Tumblr even though it thinks I'm a bot and filters me out of the tags but whatever... Deaf Eddie/Deaf Steve/Deaf Steddie seized me by the throat last week, but Gareth is my favorite fluffy little jerk to write for so I applied the concept here. Heavily, heavily based on my own experiences with sudden sensorineural hearing loss (SSHL), which, tbh, is fuckin' terrifying (and has like, a 35% mortality rate because it's a symptom of something worse). Full A/N commentary on Ao3.
The ringing in his ears filled the spaces around where voices should have been, washing everything in a muffled, surrealistic white noise like he was in a fish tank and looking out. He could see his mom talking with the lab-coated doctor, could see the way her brows knotted together in worry, but he couldn’t hear the conversation through the static. It reminded him of the clap of cymbals in marching band, the sound in his head—crash them together and watch them wobble in the air as they reverberate with the sound waves. But there was no crash and he was left with the ringing, a sustained, torturous note.
It’s a B, just a little sharp, he thought to himself. It was comforting in a way, that he still knew that. Still could pick that out. Didn’t stop the mistuned tone from setting his teeth on edge, though.
The ringing had started a few days ago, but that wasn’t too abnormal after band practices. Usually, it took a few hours to fade away and he’d forget about it. It was taking longer than normal to disappear, but he’d shrugged it off. He’d turn his music down, and stuff foam earplugs in at practice even though the band director would be pissed that he couldn’t hear her, and it would go away.
And then he woke up to a silent world this morning. He didn’t know how quiet silence actually was until the only thing filling the void was a lingering ringing. All the little noises of life were missing—the rustle of his sheets as he struggled out from under him, the rush of the bathroom tap as he washed his face and brushed his teeth, the swoosh of sneakered footsteps down a carpeted hall. His mom’s voice when she turned around from the stove and asked him something. The bustle of the ER, the beep of a heart monitor, leads stuck to his narrow teenage chest.
That had been five months ago. The doctors never did find a reason—sudden sensorineural hearing loss, they’d called it. Most people who experienced it would recover their hearing within a few months, they told his mom. Maybe not fully, but most of it. When September came and summer ended, they scored his recovered hearing at forty percent. Which was almost half, right? He should have almost half his hearing back, which was fifty percent better than none. It was bullshit, that’s what it was.
Gareth started sophomore year with forty percent of his hearing and zero percent of his patience for the pitying looks his teachers gave him as they sat him front and center in their classes. The way they spoke extra slow and extra loud when they talked to him, how each one kept him back after class to check in and left him rushing to make his next class on time. How the other students looked at him like he was a freak. Fifteen and deaf like an old man. He wanted to shout that he could still see them whispering about him, casting pitying looks his way. Instead, he curled his hands into fists, gritted his teeth, and packed the feeling down in his chest like soil over a grave.
He knew things would be different this year. They had to be, but the acknowledgment of that didn’t stop the wind from being knocked out of his lungs when he gathered up his lunch tray and turned around to see that every seat at his old table, the band kids table, was filled. No one looked up as he headed past them for the back of the cafeteria, spine unnaturally straight and his gait stiff. Back to square one, the handful of tables with a rotating roster of outcasts. Maybe he’d end up there for the rest of high school, sat with an ever-changing pack of obnoxious freshmen until they too found their places elsewhere.
Even here, where no one fit in anywhere, people went out of their way not to sit next to him, like he was contagious or something. Whatever. He’d pick at his vaguely pizza-inspired square of cardboard and canned tomato sauce and the bell would ring soon enough. Not that he’d hear it, but the crush of students evacuating the room would let him know. He pushed the watery yellow kernels of corn that were masquerading as a serving of vegetables around their compartment in his tray. It was hard to feel hungry when his stomach had wrapped itself up into an anxious knot as his mom dropped him off that morning.
A body slung itself heavily into the seat across from him, startling Gareth. He’d have to get used to people sneaking up on him, now. He cast them an annoyed glare, not daring to let hope take the wheel. The newcomer grinned brightly, his feral smile framed by a mess of frizzy, dark curls that just barely brushed the tops of his shoulders. He tucked a strand behind one ear then crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair like he owned the place. Gareth raised one unamused eyebrow.
“Hi, I’m Eddie,” he said, obviously being careful to enunciate but also not going to the extremes that everyone else did to try and make sure Gareth could read their lips. It only made it worse, actually, but telling them that didn’t stop them. Gareth’s eyes flicked from Eddie’s mouth to his eyes, narrowing a little.
“I can’t hear you,” he said, “I’m d—”
“Deaf! Yeah, I know.” Eddie nodded, smile unwavering. “C’mon.”
Eddie dipped his chin a little as he caught Gareth’s eye and jerked his head towards something over his shoulder. He also made a little come here gesture with his hand as if he wasn’t clear enough. He made it a few steps before he realized Gareth wasn’t following. Eddie wheeled around and backtracked to the table, then slid Gareth’s lunch towards himself, picked up the tray, and walked away with it. He clearly expected Gareth to follow him like a puppy, dancing around underfoot and waiting to see where his meal would be set down. It took him another few beats, but Gareth did trail after Eddie’s skinny figure as he disappeared through the cafeteria crowds.
He caught up to Eddie at a table mid-way down the opposite row from where he’d been. Eddie set his tray at the seat just to the right of the head of the table and then looked around for the mousy little sophomore. Gareth’s pace slowed as he got near, glancing from one new face to the next as they all turned to look at him. Eddie said something he couldn’t make out, then appeared beside him, slipping an arm around his shoulders and dragging him over.
Eddie gave him a little push down into the seat he’d picked out for Gareth and then rummaged around in a black tin lunch pail that even Gareth knew had drugs in it, emerging with a victorious little wiggle as he withdrew a battered pocket notebook and a well-chewed nub of a pencil. He scratched something on the top sheet, then held it up so Gareth could read it.
I’m Eddie.
He watched Gareth’s eyes move across the page, then waited for them to look back up at him before he handed off the notepad and pencil. A big guy with short, dark curls took it, flipped the page, and scrawled something.
KEVIN it read when he held it up for Gareth, giving him a moment before he handed it off to the Asian girl next to him with the sleek, glossy hair: Kim. She gave him a cute little wave.
A white guy with long, straight blond hair and a rolled bandanna tied around his forehead: Joe.
A junior with a sharp face, artfully messy dark hair, and an earring: Vic.
A senior guy with fluffy blond hair and a tacky, colorful bowling shirt open over his tee: Mickey.
The Latino guy with glasses who’d sat three desks away from Gareth in Algebra II: Guillermo (Memo).
The only black guy at the table and one of about four in all of Hawkins, who offered up his name with a braces-filled smile: Jeff.
Gareth almost reached for the notepad himself before he realized the pointlessness of that. Instead, he cleared his throat and glanced around the table.
“Gareth. Hi.”
For a moment, he wondered if he’d slurred his name because they didn’t respond. He couldn’t hear his own damn voice anymore, but the sounds felt right in his mouth, and his speech therapist had told him he generally sounded close to normal, he just sometimes had issues with volume. Jeff flipped the page on the notebook and scribbled something else down in his neat handwriting.
Garett?
Nope. It was his weird name.
“Gareth. G-A-R-E-T-H,” He said, spelling it out to clarify. No, I’m not mispronouncing my own goddamn name, thank you.
He could almost hear the collective oh he watched go around the table. Almost. With shy, uncertain smiles, they turned back to their previous conversations, leaving him alone with his food again. Even if they couldn’t talk to him, he had a place to sit and that was enough. The one bright spot in a shitty first day of school.
Someone kicked him under the table to get his attention. Gareth jerked out of his thoughts with a confused look, realizing it had been Eddie trying to get him to look up from his tray. He’d gotten his hands on the notebook again and was holding up a fresh message.
Like comics? Eddie jerked his chin toward Gareth’s shirt, which had a wash-worn print of the Avengers assembled across the front of it. Gareth nodded, curls flopping in his face as he did. Eddie scribbled something else on the page.
Favorite?
“Iron Man,” Gareth answered, as if there was any other option. He tried not to cringe as he saw faces whip around to look at his sudden words. He looked insane, talking to himself. They shrugged it off when they realized Eddie had the notepad in his hands. They’ll get used to it, he sighed to himself. He’d had to get used to a lot of weird shit. Eddie’s tongue peeked between his lips as he wrote something else.
Not Hawkeye? He flashed Gareth a playful smile. Gareth made a confused face. Who actually liked Hawkeye? Eddie gave a little wave that read never mind.
Eddie looked at his watch, then caught Gareth’s eye and tapped his watch before holding up all five fingers and nodding towards his tray. Eat. Five minutes until the bell.
Gareth could read the clock on the wall over the doors, since his eyes weren’t the issue and he wasn’t a clueless freshman this year, but he appreciated that someone gave a shit about making sure he could keep up. The whole day so far he’d been getting left in the dust, and it’s not that he wasn’t a big boy who could take notes and ask questions and keep using the techniques he’d been taught to adapt, but he was already exhausted and sleepy and it was only a quarter after one. Gareth shoved the rest of his shitty pizza in his mouth and hustled to clear his tray before the crush of students got too chaotic.
He caught sight of Eddie in the throng as the cafeteria emptied into the halls, hand raised in farewell, and it took Gareth a second to realize the gesture was meant for him. He waved back, noting how Eddie’s eyes crinkled happily when he did, before weaving through the crowd.
Hawkins High’s administration had set him up with a twice-weekly standing appointment with the school counselor, Ms. Kelly, to… well, he didn’t really know what they were hoping to achieve with this. Monitor him, probably. Look like they were actually on top of a situation that no one knew how to handle, not even Gareth.
But it’s not like he could really chat with her. Even if she could sign, he couldn’t, and it turned out that when his audiologist fit him with a set of hearing aids, it didn’t suddenly make him hear the frequencies he’d lost. It just made everything fuckin’ loud and muddy and he had to wade through the assault to determine what was background noise and what wasn’t.
His parents didn’t force him to wear them after the first time he’d had a meltdown because every single sound was overwhelming and he was drowning in it. But he’d seen the cost on the bill his mother hadn’t managed to keep hidden from him and the guilt ate him alive all summer so he’d kept trying. He’d ditched the obnoxious tan devices at home today, though.
He hoped Ms. Kelly was up for passing notes.
Gareth wanted to kiss whoever did the schedules. They’d given him a free period after lunch, probably because that was when he had to see Ms. Kelly and it was pointless to even pretend he could keep up in a class with that many absences. Even though appointments with Ms. Kelly did take longer for him, it still wasn’t enough to fill a full period, which meant he still got a little bit of free time to himself.
The first appointment with Ms. Kelly had been awkward, Gareth twiddling his thumbs as she scribbled down questions to ready, only to wait for a one or two-word answer.
Have all your teachers checked in on you so far? Yes.
How do you feel you’re keeping up with what they’re talking about? Okay, he guessed.
You were in band last year, right? Have you thought about finding another extracurricular? Yes, and no, he hadn’t (He wouldn’t tell her that he was still ripped open, raw and bleeding over having music taken away from him).
Are you connecting with your friends again? Any troubles? No, because all his friends were in band and now he wasn’t anymore.
Any new friends? It’s the first day.
But then he sat back, wet his lips as he thought, and added, “One of the seniors, Eddie… Munson? I think? He had me sit with his friends at lunch today.”
Ms. Kelly had looked surprised and made a quick note in his file, but she didn’t ask further about it. The appointment had come to a close pretty quick after that, and Gareth went to hide in the quiet, forgotten corner of the library for the rest of the period. He’d asked Ms. McNally, the new librarian if she’d let him know about the bell because he couldn’t hear it, and used his best puppy eyes (and the guilt everyone seemed to feel about his state) to get her to agree.
Pillowing his head on his arms in a study carrel, Gareth let his eyes slip closed. Just a few minutes and I’ll feel better. Naps were a part of his life now. Twenty minutes, a half-hour to recharge just a little so he could keep trying, working twice as hard to understand a quarter as much. If he tried to power through, he’d hit a wall, bounce off of it, and shut down. Not exactly how he wanted his first day to go down.
It felt like he’d just finally fallen asleep when he felt someone nudging him awake. With a little grumble, he stirred, peeking one eye open and squinting against the headache that he could feel building. Instead of the librarian, however, he found a pair of brown doe eyes watching him. Eddie held up his hand and wiggled his fingers hello. Gareth let his eyes fall closed again.
“What?” He groaned. A few seconds later and something papery tapped a few times on his nose until he opened his eyes to read the note.
Feel okay?
There was more to answer that question than Gareth wanted to get into, so he just nodded, forcing himself upright. He had one period left. He could get through without sleep. He checked his watch to find he’d been out all of five minutes before being woken up. Fuckin’ hell. Eddie was scribbling again.
Wanna ditch?
His finger tapped with a nervous energy on the edge of the notepad as he waited for Gareth to read it. Gareth was realizing that Eddie was never not in motion.
“It’s the first day.” Gareth’s eyebrows pulled together. Eddie just shrugged. “Dude, if you didn’t notice, everyone is watching me like a hawk. If I ditch, the whole town will form a search party like when that one kid went missing.”
Eddie’s mouth parted as if to say something, but it snapped shut and he was scratching something out furiously.
Wait, you actually talk?! Like, talk-talk…
Gareth could feel himself flushing in embarrassment, and that embarrassment burning off into anger. Freak, freak, freak, the word echoed in his head. He grabbed for his books and stood abruptly.
“Fuck this,” he muttered to himself, not that he could hear it, and stalked past Eddie. He’d go somewhere else, kill the remaining fifteen minutes until his last class of the day. It was civics or some shit, anyways. He could stew through that in the front fuckin’ seat for the next hour.
Eddie was left standing there, wondering what the hell he’d done to evoke that reaction from Gareth.
Walking home felt like a relief after the day he’d had. He slung his bookbag over a shoulder and slammed his locker shut, breaking for the front doors with the rest of the student body. Getting jostled along in the crush was the first time he’d felt normal all day. First time no one had singled him out and treated him like he’d break. Once he’d squeezed through the funnel of the front doors, he made his break for freedom across the front lawn and towards home.
Finally, no one talking at him, no one trying to make eye contact that made his brain itch, no one making him read endless notes. He could just be. Tune shit out for a little and stop trying to listen. One foot in front of the other, dirty white laces flopping with every step. Head down, focusing on not focusing. Gareth unconsciously rubbed the pads of his thumb and index finger together, over and over in endless circles as he headed home.
He didn’t see Eddie and Mickey perched out on one of the benches between the parking lot and the lawn, passing a cigarette back and forth. Didn’t see as their gazes followed him as he crested the hump of the school driveway and finally disappeared from view.
“Dude, I don’t know. He just blew up at me and I don’t get why,” Eddie sighed. “Like, he surprised me. All we’d been able to get out of him was a word or two, then he’s just… going off about how he can’t ditch because everyone’s fuckin’ watching him.”
“Eddie, you ever see when like, a labrador is trying to befriend a kitten? And the kitten is hissing and swatting at the dog and the dog’s just like, not getting it?” Mickey chuckled around a lungful of smoke, “Stop being the dog.”
“I’m not being the dog! We collect weirdos. It’s what we do, and he’s fuckin’ weird,” Eddie protested, crushing out the cigarette against the scuffed wood of the bench and flicking the butt off into the grass.
Mickey turned towards him and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Eddie, leave the kitten alone. I mean it. It’s not your job to save every loser here.”
“Whatever. You want a ride home or are you going to keep lecturing?” Eddie hopped off the bench, chains jingling as he fished his keys out of his pocket and headed for the far side of the parking lot.
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Gonna try to act like I'm normal for a sec and talk about my experience getting accommodations for my hearing loss this semester.
I've had severe tinnitus since January after a mild COVID infection. The accompanying symptoms are unilateral hearing loss, episodes of intense vertigo, degradation of my balance, and of course constant tinnitus. This illness is a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario, and these symptoms can vary heavily day-to-day.
As someone who used a wheelchair and cane for approximately two years from 2016-2018 I was already familiar to the rigmarole of getting accommodations from an educational institution. I've also had experience with chronic pain so I was more prepared than some others for a sudden illness that impacts my daily life.
Once I realized that the first-line treatment wasn't successful I got to work immediately with my college's disability office. I am not the bitch who's gonna wait to get the stuff I need. I care too much about my education to suffer needlessly when I know this illness isn't going away for a while.
I cannot stress this enough! Do not wait for it to get worse, you do not need to deny yourself accommodations because it isn't "as bad as it could be" yet! Worst case scenario is that you get accommodations and didn't need them as long as you thought.
I visited the website and was very disappointed that the resources were confusing and limited. It seemed to me that there was an unstated assumption that the person needing the forms was a new student, so the things I needed were buried in new student paperwork that didn't apply to me. It also was not easy to find their policies on applications submitted outside of enrollment, and I was applying mid-semester. I called the line for the disability office, but the number was either outdated or they were closed at 1pm on a Wednesday. I was very frustrated initially. This might just be me but I'm of the opinion that important resources like this should be easy to find regardless of circumstance and that the people you need to reach for questions should be available during normal hours, but whatevs.
I ended up emailing the head of the disability office informing her of a lack of phone response, a small blurb about my situation, and the questions I was looking for answers to. Despite my issues with the website she called me within the hour of my email. If this lovely woman could call me immediately after I sent an email why couldn't I reach someone over the phone? I thought that was weird, but she was super helpful nonetheless so I can't be too annoyed. She explained the process and it was actually pretty simple, but you'd never know it from their webpage.
For me, my college required my primary care provider to fill out a short form, one page front and back. It had simple questions about what abilities were affected and how severely; plus a simple consent portion authorizing my school to receive that medical information. I recommend filling this out before the appointment with your provider, because it saves time. I filled out the legal portion but didn't do the assessment ahead of time. It worked out because during this appointment my hearing turned out to be worse than I thought, so hearing impairment was rated "severe" and not "moderate" as I had assumed. Afterwards it was easy to scan and email to the disability office. My school's email system is secure so I was not worried about sending such things over email, but use your best judgement.
I had thoughts that I was "jumping the gun" a little, but was able to push that aside. It's basically impossible to avoid self-doubt as someone with a disability or illness. The world is full of inspiration porn and there will always be people who judge you for not trying hard enough. The idea that accommodations should be a last resort after tireless effort to "overcome" your disability is total bullshit, but you didn't need me to tell you that.
There was also a small worry that it would be read as manipulative or arrogant to request accommodations so soon after my illness began. I also had to push this aside. Many abled people expect accommodations to be requested meekly, and look down on those who are confident in their own limitations. Often being too sure of yourself and your needs is taken as a sign you're taking advantage of the institution. Once again, total bullshit. You don't owe anyone a performance of shame and apprehension.
Back to the process. Once she received the paperwork everything was basically out of my hands. My professors were notified of the accommodations I requested and I was able to begin implementing them smoothly during class. Of course my accommodations are not as involved as others may be. I requested to record my lectures and sit in areas best suited to my hearing, these are generally very easy for professors to accommodate. My balance issues are another matter, but I'm not in classes that require lifting or bending so it hasn't come up.
I have to say my experience with college if much better than public school so far. I think it's a lot easier for k-12 to get away with shitty behavior than college professors, but that's just my personal experience. I got a lot of grief for my past disability in school than now. The day before I was pulled out of public school the school nurse told me she "didn't have time for this" when I nearly passed out! I think the semi-professional setting/attitude of college encourages a more "HR friendly" response to stuff like this, but I've heard enough horror stories to know that no institution is immune to ableism.
Overall I'm pretty happy with my experience so far, and I feel like my college is doing a pretty good job in my case. I'm just happy that my education doesn't seem like it's going to be another stressor. I've got enough on my plate dealing with appointments, PT, and tests so I really appreciate that my college was responsive and understanding.
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