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ravenschmaven · 6 years

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GIVE US THE STAR WAR SPOILERS

like, all of em??

because, if so

HERES THE WHOLE DAMN FUCKING FILM UNDER THE CUT

We open to poe dameron about to fuck up a ship called a dreadnought - which is HUGE - because the rest of the rebellion is trying to evacuate. he cals hux, pretends he has no signal, makes a yo mama joke then begins blowing up the surface guns so that the ship cant destroy the bombers who are on their way to smash the ship.

leia tells him not to do the thing, he ignores her, blows up all the guns, and summons the bombers, which are these huge bulky things which move at a snails pace while tiefighters and x-wings fight around them. all but one of the bombers blows up, and the last bomber is able to drop the payload because of an asian officer we later realise is rose’s sister. rose’s sister is one of the many who die, with about five x-wings making it back. The rebellion goes to warp, finn wakes up and asks ‘where’s rey’.

Rey is exactly where we left her. she gives the lightsaber to luke, who yeets it over the edge and goes ‘fuck that shit im out’. she annoys him into accepting that she isn’t moving, then she plays the chewie card, and chewbacca trashes the shit outta the place. luke finds out han is dead, and FINALLY gets his head oudda his ass. Wont teach rey tho because kylo ren is a punk bitch who ruins everything. We see flashes of a flashy wristwatch. luke mentions kylo being a shit and talks about what happened. apparently luke confronted him about the darkness and ren went batshit. r2d2 also swears at luke repeatedly for a few seconds.

somewhere between snoke spends like five minutes roasting kylo ren and calling him a shithead while dressed in a gold bathrobe. ‘you have too much of your father’s heart’. ren smashes his helmet against the lift (rude) and yells at two officers to get his ship ready. hux is peacocking around like an asshole.

while that happens leia gives poe shit for going ahead with a mission that got people killed. Leia HITS POE. LIKE FUCKING SMACKS HIM. (rian post ur address i just wanna talk) and then demotes him for doin his job??? even tho he aint really doing his job. poe is mad as fuCK. Leia has another flashy wristwatch which is actually a tracking device so rey can find the rebellion. she gives it to finn.

We drop out of warp, and everybody is seemingly chill until the first order rocks up literally 30 seconds later, including snoke, who has his own ship like an asshole. People panic, the first order, including kylo ren, attacks, and blows up the launch bay, killing every pilot except poe and a few others, and the bridge, which holds all the generals including leia. leia uses the motherfucking force to fly through space, and makes it back to the ship. she falls into a coma, where vice-admiral/general/mauve murder baby takes charge. her idea of saving everyone is to use their remaining fuel supply to stay just out of range of their gunners, which gives them about 16 hours left.

finn wants to save rey’s life so tries to sneak out, but gets caught by rose, who’s sobbing over the loss of her sister because they dont even get time to MOURN YALL. rose sees him as a hero, then talks about how shes caught 3 deserters, then realises finn is kind-of-deserting, then stuns him. finn wakes up in a trolley and explains the situation (lack of fuel, we’re all gonna die, they tracked us through warp) and rose figures out how they could track the fleet through warp.

if finn leads rose to the weird tracking thingo, she can disable it and save the fleet. the dynamic duo go to poe, whos confused and is really trigger happy and i dont like it, but he agrees that its a good idea. They ask maz how to break in, she says shes busy, and tells them to find this gambler guy with a red flower pin at Space Vegas. the team keep the plan under wraps, with only poe, finn, rose, and a few other officers knowing about the trip. finn, rose and bb8 leave, finn having given poe the tracking device thingy to poe.

Back at it again on depression island and rey is attempting to annoy luke into teaching her. We see the weird tiddy creatures, chewy eats some porgs and rey connects with the force and finds the ancient jedi texts in a funky looking tree. lukes asks who she is and why shes here, she says shes scared of the awakening and has no idea what to do. luke decides to get his act together and teach her.

the day he goes to teach her, rey’s chillin in her room and has a vision of Space trash panda - aka kylo ren - rey calls him a shithead and ren is confused as to how they’re talking, then rey freaks out and shoots the illusion, much to the chagrin of the caretakers (who look like my grandmother). rey lies to luke when he asks about the hole in the wall.

jedi lesson number one is to reach out and feel the force. after telling luke that being a jedi is about moving rocks and breaking shit, and being called a dumbass, rey sits on a rock and shows off a shittonne of power, but also a rising dark side (the motif of this film seems to be that the stronger u get the stronger the good/evil bitchfight) which makes luke panic because ‘this was what ben was like!!!!!!!!!!!! oh no!!!!!!!!!!’ luke get ya head oudda yo ass. its also revealed that luke has shut himself away from the force somehow.

the dynamic duo is in space vegas (they illegally park on a beach) and are walking through the casino and looking for Rose Brooch Guy. rose hears a noise and recognises it as the noise of some funky lookin animal which they use to race. finn says this place is great and asks why rose hates it. rose shares her backstory as the daughter of people who lost so much under the first order. its implied that rose joined because of what happened on starkiller base. she also talks about how everyone here sells weapons to the first order and gets rich off of it. bb8 does his damn job and finds red flower guy, but they get arrested for illegally parking the shuttle on the beach and dont get a chance to talk to the guy, whos gambling with two women on his arm.

one of the support ships runs out of fuel and gets exploded. I think its the medical one first. doesnt matter shit explodes and nobody cares.

JEDI LESSON #2: the jedi suck shit. the jedi are failures and luke keeps talking about it. talks about how he failed kylo ren. rey goes that there seems to be a light inside him (ew) somewhere near here. somewhere throughout the film are a few more force-vision things. one when its raining on Jedi island, one when Ren has no shirt (he looks like a ken doll) and another (the final one) when ren talks about his perspective of that night when luke confronted him.

rose and finn get thrown in space vegas prison, and are angrily yelling abt the problems with their plan when their roommate says ‘hey yeah i can break into a maximum security first order vessel’ then subsequently breaks out of prison. while rose and finn escape, bb8 bashes a few guards over the head and kicks ass.

Rose and Finn end up in the stables of those weird elephant-horse-camel creatures, and start a stampede with the help of the child slaves stable hands by using rose’s secret rebellion ring to prove theyre good guys. the animals seem to have a connection w/rose so i guess shes incredible. the dynamic duo are trapped between a clifface and the cops, and there’s a second where the pair say their ‘goodbye’s before a ship pops up with bb8 at the door going ‘get in bitch we’re going shopping!!!’ with the thief guy from before.

uuuh i think this is where support ship #2 goes because poe picks another fight saying that the new leader is running away and being a coward. she kicks him off the bridge.

rey explores the upside down dark force place on her own, and asks the dark force to show her her parents (I shit u not) it doesnt work and she tells this to kylo’s weirdass force ghost as she sits next to a fire. rey pleads w/ kylo to join the light one last time, and holds out her hand. fingertips touch and then luke fuckin rips the hut to shreds with the force. rey and luke fight, rey continuously pushing for the truth and luke confesses to, for a second, wanting to kill ren, and it was that second of weakness that led to all of this. rey thinks that ren can be saved and fucks off to Snoke’s Party Palace, where ren currently is. She takes the falcon and leaves luke behind.

poe starts a fight with the new leader while leia’s in a coma as the rebels abandon ship for the escape pods. he takes over and locks himself in the bridge to buy finn and rose more time. finn and rose have to barter with the codebreaker by giving him the only piece of her sister rose has left (a matching pendant with huge yin-yang vibes). finn calls him an asshole. the ship that they’re flying on belongs to somebody who sold weapons to both the first order and the resistance.

rey gets chewie to drop her off @ the Party Palace and is immediately captured by Ren and gets brought to Snoke. Snoke - still in the bathrobe - is pleased and brags about how his master plan is brilliant. turns out hes the reason there was a connection between them, AND the reason for the raging struggle in kylo ren. this bitch then fucking starts torturing rey for into on where the fuck luke is, rey aint a snitch so doesn’t say shit, but makes a few attempts at killing snoke.

finn, rose, bb8, and randomass thief guy sneak onto the ship and wear disguises (including bb8, who is in an upside down trash can) to get to the tracking device thingy. however, bb8 is very unusual and attracts the attention of the first order version. thief guy uses rose’s necklace to crack open the lock, then gives it back. aww. but then they get caught by first order just as rose is about to break the tracker. not so aww. captain phasma shows up and finn is ready to start swinging.

poe’s locked down the bridge, and c3p0 is being a whiny shit and starts panicking when somebody starts lasering the door down. poe gets ready to shoot a bitch, but hesitates when he sees that it’s Our Lady and Saviour Leia. she, however, doesn’t hesitate and shoots him w/ something that causes him to go flying and knocks him out (???????)

on the rebellion ship, leia is talking to purple-hair lady - poe is being lifted into a shuttle - when purple-hair lady reveals that she’s going down w/ the ship so that the shuttles can escape. they say may the force be w/ u and leia looks longingly out the window @ her not-gf. poe wakes up, and leia explains the Master Plan. purple-hair lady knew about the tracking and had them rock up to this particular place because there’s a whole fucking planet nobody talks about that used to be a base.

rose and finn have been captured and are paraded thru the loading dock. the codebreaker sold information to the first order about the shuttles, and the ship begins firing on the shuttles.

WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULAR SPACE FIGHT FOR SOME ANGSTY ISLAND BOI. luke goes to torch the tree where the jedi books are kept when yoda shows up (really bitch), asks wtf hes doing, then sets fire to the tree himself. theres some weirdass yoda speak of which i understood none of it but was about how failures are good teachers too (what is this motivational speaker month)

and back at it again at space fight the musical

Snoke’s still throwing rey around, then pushes her against a window so she can see the rebellion dying. he takes her/luke’s lightsaber, places it next to him, then tells kylo ren to kill her. snoke is revelling in rey being helpless, and starts monologuing kylo’s actions. ‘he turns the blade to face his true enemy’ luke’s blade shofts so it faces snoke ‘and slays his true enemy!’ a schwing, and snoke is literally a kebab. ren uses the force to DRAG THE LIGHT SABER THROUGH SNOKES FUCKIN ABDOMEN, CUTTING THAT PASTY BOI IN HALF. he gives it to rey, and then they fight snoke’s guards. its cool, there’s some teamwork, rey throws somebody in an oversized paper shredder. ren uses luke’s light saber at the end.

purple-hair lady sees that they’re going after her people and does possibly the coolest thing i’ve ever seen: she points the ship directly @ the bigass ship, and warps THROUGH IT. because there’s so little fuel, she doesn’t make it to actuasl warp, but is going fast enough that its an incredible battering ram which rips apart the ship, saving the lives of finn and rose, who are about to be executed.

the floor breaks and they’re about to get outta there when phasma’s squad rocks up. one of the first order machines takes out most of the stormtroopers, and the pilot turns out to be bb8 (yeah, dont worry, rose and finn are confused too), and he distracts them as finn and phasma face off. the floor collapses and phasma falls in. byeeeeeee

rey and ren have won, everythings on fire, and ren decides that the best way to get a girl to join your side of the moral spectrum is to tell her that her parents are drunkards buried in paupers graves (damn, all those amazing lineage theories and they go with randomass power………… sad) and that the past should burn, the rebellion should die, all of it. he holds out his hand, and rey holds out hers SIKE shes taking the lightsaber and they’re basically standing there using the force when, really, some dumbass could just, yknow, GRAB IT. they are so ~evenly matched~ that luke’s lightsaber cracks down the middle, exploding and knocking them out.

NOW WERE GOING TO THE PLANET THINGY (god it never ends) where finn and rose make a dashing entrance and are almost killed because its a first order ship but poe hears them and calls off the gunfire (then immediately asks ‘WHERES MY DROID’ and honestly? i love). theyre surrounded by not-pokemon evolutions which are better than porgs. the rebellion gets a message sent to their allies (none answer. god thats worse than a groupchat) and then realises they’re sitting ducks because there’s one way into this base on the schematics and the first order is fuckin knocking.

hux finds ren on the floor, who blames rey for the death of snoke (bitchassliar) and claims the title of supreme leader, then goes after the rebellion. the first order has super polished weapons and the rebellion only has skimmers, which are the fancy version of skateboards with nerf guns like they are severely fucked. the first order also has a gun which they use as a battering ram.

when ren sends tie fighters out there, rey and chewie swoop in on the flacon and smash all of em (bless). the ground fire, however, gets almost all the skimmers. poe orders a fall-back, but finn doesn’t listen and goes straight for the cannon, a la poe at the beginning. rose, however, swoops in last second and stops him. when finn asks why, she says that the rebellion will win by saving what they love. she KISSES HIM. then falls into a coma.

all hope is lost until the OG BITCH, THE ONE THE ONLY LUKE SKYWALKER IN THE HOUUUUUUUUSE enters like its nbd. He holds leia, kisses her forehead, gives her a trinket from the falcon (two lil gold dice which i honestly thought were dreidels), then goes ‘bitch i got this’ and just stands in the middle of the battlefield doing the equivalent of the middle finger at ren, who loses it. hux tells him to #chill, and when its revealed that luke survived all that firepower, ren goes down to do it himself.

finn wants to step in, but poe realises its a distraction, and notices that the sparkly bois arent here, so there must be a natural exit somewhere. up above, rey is using the tracker to try and find them.

outside, we figure out that ren is still a punk bitch and gets beaten by luke repeatedly. luke apologises for letting him down. ren goes on about destroying everything. luke calls him a dumbass. talks about rey being the next Jedi.

the rebels find the exit, but, lo behold, its covered in rocks. what does rey do like a fucking badass? move the damn ass rocks. FINNREY REUNION BITCHES. its cute. its v cute. theres a hug.

ren goes in for the kill. luke doesnt die. he stabs luke in the goddamn chest. luke is ACTUALLY A FORCE PROJECTION SIKE BITCH. luke fades away as the rebels escape on the falcon. the remains of whatever weirdass connection remainging between rey and kylo ignite one last time, but rey literally shuts the falcon door in his face (fuck that bitch)

the first order storm the empty base, hux is bein slim shady as fuck, ren finds the not-dreidels on the ground, which flicker out too.

cut to jedi island! luke is watching the sun go down, he smiles, cut to leia and rey pulling a face, and BAM Luke dies. hes gone. poof. his outfit blows away in the wind.

poe and rey FINALLY meet. ‘im poe dameron’ ‘im rey’ ‘i know’ finn is looking after rose (when finn grabs a cloth you can see the jedi books in the same drawer), and starin right @ her. leia sits next to rey, and they talk about luke dying. it’s not a sad death, rey says, but a peaceful one. it was his time, leia goes on. rey looks around at the twenty ish people who make up the rebellion now, and goes ‘how tf do we do this now’

CUT TO slave animal trainer baby in Space Vegas. kid has the ring and looks up at the stars. is holding a broom like a lightsaber as leia talks about hope as a spark which is slowly growing.

cut back to group shot from inside the falcon.

fin.

#the last jedi #the last jedi spoilers #star wars #Anonymous #long post #*grabs megaphone*#dont pay money for a ticket just read this #this took three hours #im so fucking tired but i think i got everything #star wars spoilers

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