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scrawnydutchman · 6 years

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Paradise P.D: Animated Series Review

I’ve reviewed a lot of animated - and live action - shows and movies on my blog. Nearly everything I’ve felt the need to comment on has been seen in a positive light. I don’t shy away from harsh criticism nor do I actively avoid notably poor content; it just so happens that the things I’m most interested in discussing are things I have mainly positive comments on. Paradise PD has come along to break the mold. The genuine disgust I have for this series is a first for me. I hate this show. This is quite possibly the worst show I’ve ever given a complete watch. The characters are either heinously cruel or insultingly generic. The premise is cookie cutter and derivative as hell. The humor is forced, predictable and just depressing more often than funny. The animation . . . . oh God, the animation. I’ve had non flavored rice cakes with more taste than this show. It’s like anti-creativity. Even as I’m typing this Ii’m getting riled up just thinking about it again. Alright, let me calm down. Let’s break this show down piece by piece, starting with the writing.

Writing

*ugh, the animation in these gifs is terrible. I’ll get to it when I get to it.*

Synopsis: Kevin Crawford is an aspiring young police officer who is determined to prove himself to his dad, Chief Randall Crawford of the Paradise PD. Chief Crawford has a hard time trusting his son because of a firearms accident that occurred when Kevin was very young (the less details you know about that the better) but his ex wife mayor Karen Crawford forces Randall to bring Kevin into the department anyway. Kevin thus joins a motley crew of . . .ahem . . . “”””hilarious””””” cops including Gina; the badass uber violent super cop who’s both the sex appeal of the show and has a fetish for morbidly obese men (yes, seriously), Gerald Fitzgerald; the Cleveland Brown of this show who’s basically just a well mannered token black guy, Dusty Marlow; the morbidly obese innocent cop whom Gina constantly harasses sexually (and yet when male characters harass her on the show she threatens to beaten them for pervy comments, so . . . hypocrite), Stanley Hopson; an elderly officer whose whole schtick is being senile and doing gross shit . . and finally Brian Griffin-I mean Bullet; the canine unit who’s also a drug addict . . . and being a drug addict is basically his whole shtick. They get into a bunch of wacky shenanigans, a lot of gross stuff ensues, yadda yadda yadda

So admittedly, this isn’t a bad premise for a show of this style. If Brooklyn 99 has proven anything it’s that a police department is a great and refreshing setting for a sitcom with tons of potential for jokes as well as diverse characters having great chemistry with each other. Plus it’s an archetype I don’t see very much of (I’d like to point out that I consider this different from the “buddy cop” archetype which is literally everywhere, because rather than focus on two cops it involves an entire precinct). This show is kind of like if Seth Macfarlane made a Family Guy spinoff centered around Joe Swanson (except that sounds a million times more amazing). But while Paradise PD sounds like a good concept for a show on paper, it’s execution is poorer than poor. Ironically for being such an off-the-beaten-path premise for a sitcom the show doesn’t take very much advantage of it. It’s not like the case in every episode is particularly interesting and it’s certainly not like Archer or Brooklyn 99 where the humor comes from the mundane nature of the job that nobody really talks about (filing a lot of paper work and performing basic job duties). Instead it’s premises about banging police cars that have AIs that behave like abusive girlfriends . . .which is a premise we’ve seen before. Or it’s about a father not understanding his child’s hobbies . . .which is a premise we’ve seen before. Or it’s about a fighter being overly confident in the ring only for his cohorts to discover he’s rigged to lose in the next fight . . . which is a premise we’ve seen before. Here lies the biggest problem of this show: it’s so rinse and repeat it’s insulting. For every episode this series has at the moment I guarantee the Simpson’s has done it and has done it better. Or Bob’s Burgers has done it. Or Archer has done it. Or Brooklyn 99 has done it. Hell, Family Guy and American Dad are the most comparable shows to this besides Brickleberry for obvious reasons and as much as I have distaste for those shows even they do these recycled premises more justice than Paradise PD does. Basically the only thing giving this show a real identity is it’s intense gross out visuals which, given this shows shockingly limited animation style, gets stale very quickly. But what is Paradise PD missing that all those shows have in common (besides maybe Family Guy/American Dad)? The answer of course is likable characters.

Characters

*it’s worth mentioning that the intro is the only bit of decent animation this show has. In fact it’s deceivingly good. Be patient . . . I’m getting there.*

If the synopsis I gave at the beginning is any indication it’s that every character suffers from one of two problems; they’re either intensely unlikable or are bland overly used archetypes . . . sometimes both. Gerald Fitzgerald, Dusty Harlow, Stanley Hopson and Bullet are all archetypes you can find in every animated sitcom ever made. It’s the token black guy, the morbidly obese dumbass, the senile old man and the drug addict/self centered misogynist. They all have one joke and one joke only dedicated to each of them. They are walking talking punchlines. So is every character in this show, though everyone else to a lesser extent. Gina is my favorite because her backstory episode is the only one where I felt even a little bit intrigued about how one of these assholes came to be. Our leading man Kevin is a bland standin. He’s just an overly naive, wide eyed kid with a dream. He’s an empty husk for literally any kind of viewer to step in (except for women when it comes to the love interest stuff). The chief is an angry, pompous asshole. In fact every character is just a horrible human being. Even characters that are either overly innocent or are meant to be good natured like Kevin or Dusty are constantly selfish or arrogant in some way. I get that that’s just the way the show is written comedically and in truth all comedy is rooted in the flawed. It’s why a lot of sitcom scenarios are written around characters acting selfishly or stupidly. But there’s being flawed and then there’s . . . being relentlessly cruel. It makes it hard to root for any of these characters in the end, especially since the show also occasionally tries to have a moral center and because . . .well . . . y’know . . . everyone is bland as shit.

Cast Performance

So this is by far the best aspect of the show and the number one thing it has going for it. Why? Because the show has a cast that’s . . . depressingly a bunch of all stars. Tom Kenny, Spongebob himself, voices the chief and he does a great angry authoritative father. Grey Griffin, the actress behind such favorites as Daphne from Scooby Doo, Frankie from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, Vicki from Fairly Odd Parents and Azula from Avatar: The Last Airbender, is the mayor and also turns in a great performance for what she has to portray. Not to mention the occasional guest like John Dimaggio and Tara Strong. If you’re any fan of voice acting chances are you’ll find a favorite of yours in this cast if not a handful of them. I say this is depressing because all of these people could do so much better. I get it, a paycheck is a paycheck, but . . . . imagine the immensely creative and stunning projects they could have been a part of instead. If a contract with Netflix is what you want, hit up Alex Hirsch! He’s signed on with them now and I bet he’s got something worthwhile! There’s not a whole lot to say about the rest of the performances, mainly because again, it’s hard to care about any of these characters.

Visuals (Animation, Design, Composition, Visual Storytelling, ETC.)

sigh . . . .okay . . . let’s talk about the animation. Before I go into it I just want to be real and sentimental for a second. I’m an animator. I just recently broke into the industry by working with Copernicus Studios . . . and it’s been nothing but a sincere pleasure. I’ve learned more about animation and Toon Boom in 4 months than I ever learned in 4 years of freelancing. It put into perspective just how much thought and effort goes into even the most minimal of shows. It’s a popular trend to shit on professionally animated content for looking such a way or moving in such a way but if those people only knew the countless hours and passion that goes into even just a couple of seconds of footage they’d never talk shit about these shows ever again. Not only that, but I’m an admin for an animation study group on Facebook with thousands of members from all over the world. Animators from every country and every skill level share their work for constructive feedback. Through this I’ve met many people who work in the industry . . .including someone who worked on Paradise PD. And I know them to be among the most skilled and masterful animators on the page. For all of these reasons, I will NEVER call animators lazy or unskilled if they produced a show like this. It’s typically the result of a certain type of direction or method of moving the production pipeline along. I have no doubt on my mind that every animator who worked on this show is wonderfully skilled and will do well in their careers going forward.

But this show does not demonstrate that. Far from it. This show goes out of it’s way to be lazy. It cuts so many corners they’ve made a perfect circle of hell. Just take a look at most of the gifs I’ve posted in this review. Notice the popping of proportions and lines in moving pieces. Notice certain features like noses or eyes that move around for no damn reason at all. Look at features like eyebrows where there’s no easing or seamless transition or any basic understanding of the 12 principles of animation aside from perhaps arcs. Just watch a couple of seconds of this show and count how little frames are in every motion. If you told me this show was made in Go! Animate I would believe you. This makes Family Guy look like Studio Ghibli. Maybe this show could have been more pleasant to look at if it had vouched for motion keyframes instead of what appears to be the occasional stop motion keyframe (users of Toon Boom or Flash will know what I mean) but even then there’s nothing to look at really. Add to that the eyesore of a colour scheme, the uninspired character designs that if I put them in silhouette you would not be able to tell what show it’s from, the absolutely barebones backgrounds that look like early 2000s Newgrounds cartoon sets and the unimaginitive shot composition that consists almost entirely of wide shots and medium wide shots and you have what can hardly even be defined as animation by mainstream televisions standards. The last show I reviewed was Matt Groening’s Disenchantment and while I had my issues with that shows animation, at least they were only errors a trained eye could see in a show that was otherwise appealing. Paradise PD is just a tragedy. The only positive comment I can make about the animation is that the FX department did a great job animating the blood and the boogers and any type of nasty body liquid . . . .and I am depressed that that is my one positive comment.

Audio (Soundtrack, Sound Mixing, Sound FX, ETC.)

*In case you thought I was joking about one of the episode summaries I gave earlier*

Like most of the stuff I review, the audio isn’t particularly notable in this show. There’s no memorable soundtracks to speak of. The sound mixing is fine. That’s really all there is to say. I’ll be honest; I’ll talk about remarkable soundtracks in this section or clever/bad sound mixing when I can, but I mainly just include this section so I can score what i’m reviewing in a way that adds to a 10.

Conclusion

Paradise PD is the worst show I have ever given a review for and quite possible the worst show I’ve ever made an effort to sit down and watch. Almost nothing is redeemable about it. It’s the lowest common denominator for animation and it unsuccessfully trades any hint of originality for unfunny shock humor. It fails not because of missteps, but because of a refusal to make the necessary steps in the first place.

Writing - 0.5/2- Below Average

Characters - 0.5/2- Below Average

Cast Performance - 1.5/2 - Above Average

Visuals - 0.5/2 - Below Average

Audio - 1/2 - Average

4 out of 10 - My most hated show thus far.

#netlfix #netflix original #Paradise PD #Paradise P.D #Cartoons #Animation #2D Animation #Review #Film Review #TV review #brickleberry #Scrawnydutchman

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geek-gem · 6 years

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Just a silly thing I wanna make. Including from I guess this moment on. Also a friend of mine reblogging a Sonic Forces wanted poster art collection I liked been thinking should I reblog that. But yeah basically I'm gonna be talking spoilers thought maybe I should make this it's own post but it will be slept okay got a message from that friend talking about 06 and Forces. I've mentioned him before fatpinkraccoon.

But yeah a post about spoilers would probably be slept away by reblogs and other things.

Yet honestly after seeing a nice and supposedly silly comic concerning Infinite's origin.

Really it's weird when I think about Infinite's origin. For some reason I have thought imagine me after something that isn't as serious. But I go crazy. Yet also the idea Infinite was beaten by Shadow and it being one of the reasons he is what he is.

Along with honestly before then I imagined what if instead of that Infinite lost somebody so close to him he loses it. Similar to Shadow and also their is the mention Shadow beat his team before he became well Infinite. Including just.... honestly it's this idea imagine Infinite not being a mercenary but some guy who lost someone he cared about. Including I should just make the joke.

Alex Hirsch: I'm gonna end Gravity Falls because I feel it should end.

GeekGem: well their goes some of my sanity. Yet I'll be okay I'll just act like I never liked the show in the first place, scream Wendy's name at some times quietly when no one's looking. I'll just watch some Wander Over Yonder.

Disney: I'm sorry were canceling Wander Over Yonder because it doesn't make us money, were not giving Craig McCracken a chance to finish it. Basically your not gonna get a season 3.

GeekGem:.....no, no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hey Dr. Eggman you need some help because I totally can help you take over the world with that Phantom Ruby, tear apart friends and family, and just cause overall destruction. Including I would love a awesome kickass theme explaining my pain and makes me look awesome as all fuck.

Sonic: oh great look what you did Disney you caused a Autistic guy who seriously can't let go of some stuff and possibly has problems with schediaphilia(looked on Google a few times) yet it's not a big deal mainly. You caused him to become evil.

Sonic again and this is modern Sonic speaking: also in a nutshell you fucked up a perfectly good human look at all that stress or some shit that meme is.

Then we have the funny idea of redemption since people were theorizing Infinite to be redeemed.

GeekGem: they don't everything away from me why should I care anymore.

Steven: Steven Universe is still on.

GeekGem: I like the show yet the criticals make me not care for the show much. Even the fact I haven't watched the new episodes yet. Seriously gonna not let criticals bother me yet how some are seriously.

Lincoln Loud: what about this *holds up Lily being happy and shit*

Lily: *laughs*

GeekGem: now I'm feeling guilty but no I won't stop. Besides you would do the same if they did this to you.

Enid: okay time to bring out the secret weapon *holds up KO*

KO: hi sir I heard you were upset because a show was cancelled and why your a villain now

GeekGem: OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE I'VE BECOME A HORRIBLE MONSTER! *holds KO like in that Norman Reedus meme* OH WHYYYYY! *Starts crying*

*then later just joins everyone to kick Eggman's ass and me just flying at him grabbing him*

Including honestly from one picture a joke. A possibility is that Infinite possibly had low self esteem. Yet even thought in my head just....weak....and honestly the meme now I'M NOT WEAK I've even said it a few times too lol. Mainly I post spoilers for text posts fine I will lol

Also before then wanted to mention weird I thought of a head canon of Infinite being Autistic is when things started going wrong the false hopes ha

Got tags done honestly weird adding it to the tags ha

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic forces spoilers #infinite sonic forces #sonic forces

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divorcedfiddleford · 7 years

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i know this is random, but do you have any tips on writing ford and fiddleford? you do a really good job on their characterizations and even though i'm very familiar with their characters i always write people out of character when i'm writing, lol! thanks !!!!

ghhhgg i Kid but anyway im like super distracted so i just made a list of a bunch of common mistakes i see when people r writing themedit: i was so wrong i made such a long fucking post im sorry this was a Mistake (rip mobile users)

first things first everything in the journal was Fake

fiddleford:

“fiddleford is a poor precious cinnamon roll who is helpless and did nothing wrong uwu” fuck off he built all those robots and probably killed a bunch of people in the process he isnt some innocent sunflower he’s more like a rowdy dandelion

yes this applies even if you’re writing young fiddleford he was just more patient and less open with his life of crime because he didnt want to go to jail

his eyes are blue. theyre fucking blue. theyre fucking b

“he doesnt like swears/he’s soft-spoken” wrong he’s literally the only character to have sworn on-screen

“he started the society because he was traumatized by what he’d seen” no, where did you get that idea. he literally says he invented the gun because he was “haunted by the thoughts of what I’d done” >literally stating that it was guilt not fear that was bothering him. eventually yes he used it for erasing scary memories but that was not his initial intent

he’s not bald anymore

really any idea that fiddleford is pathetic is grossly ooc i can think of one situation in the show that he wasn’t able to get himself out of and thats because he was turned into a fucking arras

what is this southern belle bullshit… he chews tobacco and wrestles pigs please stop woobifying this force of nature

a banjo is not the same as a guitar. a banjo is not the same as a guitar. a banjo is not the same as a guitar.

if youre going to write accents don’t be obnoxious about it

EX: “How are y’all doin’ this fine evening?”NOT: “Hower y’all doien’ this fain evenin’?”you don’t have to use the mannerisms in every sentence and you don’t have to drop the g in every -ingphonetic spelling is a pain to read like at the most you should be using apostrophes not respelling words (“Stanferd” more like kill me now)

also make sure your mannerisms are geographically accurate he’s not from texas i never want to see him say “sugah” again

his accent isnt even that strong in the show …what……….

tip: fiddleford is salty as FUCK he has NO MERCY and holds onto grudges like a lifesaver in a storm

tip: he loves being around people and will talk to them about fucking anything such as his multiple cases of manslaughter but doesn’t usually open up about his insecurities unless prompted

further reading: 1 2 3

for both:

enough of the angst. enough. enough

if you’re going to make them trans don’t milk the dysphoria

tip from my pal rudy @blue-dipper (im not trans)

same kinda goes for if youre doing romance dont overplay the internal/external homophobia i made that mistake so many times its just clunky and gets in the way of the characters

the whole idea of “the innocent one” vs “the sinful one” is garbage. abandon it. you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders

realistically if it’s a reunion thing don’t make them hook up automatically this shit takes time

in general avoid stereotypes. some examples being “the hippie” or “the nerd” just write them like they act on the show its easier and more enjoyable for everyone involved

ALEX HIRSCH ≠ WORD OF GOD only the stuff in the show needs to be considered 100% canon you can pick and choose all the other stuff or ignore it entirely

in conclusion all fiction is subjective and writing someone “in character” all depends on how you perceive the character. these are my perceptions of the character and yeah i get really frustrated when people don’t agree because i believe mine are those that make the most sense and that good representation of neurodivergent and lgbta+ people is important also im petty and annoying. the most important thing is that you be consistent with your portrayals (unless your perception of the character is inconsistency in which case good luck)

#tales of the wild zeep #i am so sorry #gf metanalysis #ford #fiddy #gravity falls #fiddauthor #long post 0334 #really long post i am so sorry #gif warning -3-//#anonymous #ask

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cosmicpines · 7 years

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Okay now that I’m on the subject I’m gonna rant about it.

I’ll preface this with that I love Voltron. I love it so much. I think it’s a super fun and clever show and that Tumblr has placed such ridiculous expectations on it in some aspects that it’s no wonder people are somewhat disappointed. I think this was a great season and I had a fun time watching it. But that being said...

Voltron treated a lot of its characters like tropes this season.

I’m going to fall back on an old quote from Alex Hirsch to start this because it really spoke to me when I first read it.

The important bit here? “I try not to pigeonhole these characters into “ONE TYPE.” They lose their humanity if you do that.”

Pidge, Hunk, and Lance all got shoved into tropes this season. Lance and Hunk’s treatments seem particularly worse just because they were shoved into “comic relief” tropes, but Pidge wasn’t treated too great either. Just look at what each of them does this season:

Pidge: Techno Babble. Boy, does she do a lot of it. There’s some sort of problem? Well, Pidge is SMURT, send her! And make sure she talks about it quickly and unintelligibly to show the audience that she’s so smart. Make sure someone, usually Lance, replies with an “IN ENGLISH?”

This trope exists to establish one character is smart and it CAN be effective... But not if you’ve pre established that the others are smart too. Hunk is the mechanic. Hunk is not an idiot. He should be able to follow at least a few of Pidge’s ramblings. Hell, most of them were super easy to follow! (Especially the hypothesis one, that was completely unnecessary). See this post for discussion on how easy it would be to fix this trope from the Hunk/Lance side of the equation.

It’s honestly not even fair to Pidge to reduce her down to that. More on this in a bit.

Lance: Flirting and dumb jokes. I don’t even have to link to a trope because they’re that basic. Lance (when he has screen time this season) is basically going to be the one to make a pass at a woman when he doesn’t have to or to make an irreverent comment the whole team just looks at him for.

Sure, it can be funny. Sure, you’ve written his character to be such. But this can’t be the ONLY ASPECT YOU SHOW THE AUDIENCE. Give them good moments outside of that “one time they do something cool to show the audience he isn’t a complete idiot.” I’ll get back to Lance in a minute.

Hunk: Food jokes. This poor guy. 90% of the time in this season, someone will say something and Hunk will relate it to food and mention how hungry he is. Not mentioning the harm of giving the fat character the food trope, let’s just go with the idea that it’s a part of his character. Fine. But there are still right and wrong ways to pull this off and the irony here is that Voltron does both in the span of a single season. Right: Baking cookies to calm down and clear your mind. Taking over the mall food court to make people happy. Both of these things are positive uses of Hunk’s canonical love of food that make sense in the situation and even add to his character. Neither are played strictly for laughs. Wrong: “What are you guys thinking about?” “Zarko-” “CALZONES. What? I’m hungry.” (The OTHER irony is Voltron has pulled off this interrupting with irreverent stuff well with Hunk before with the whole sporks thing. That pulled it off SO MUCH BETTER and was honestly one of the funniest things in season one. This was so forced and so stupidly written)

I think the reason Voltron falls into this is because its main cast is HUGE. Seven characters total. Six if we don’t count Coran, because honestly I don’t see him getting a character arc at any point (which I can accept because seven is just too many characters to give equal attention to). But still. Six. For comparison? The original main cast of Gravity Falls was three. Steven Universe started with four.

You know the whole “modern cartoons season one is fun times and season two is ENTER THE APOCALYPSE”? There’s an important reason for that. You need time to develop your characters. You need time to give them moments to shine and let the audience get to know them. That way, when plot stuff happens, they all have reasons to act the way they do. Voltron season one was IMMEDIATELY overly plot heavy, and the characters suffered for it.

The way Voltron chooses to show us its characters strengths and flaws is through character arcs. Pidge goes through one in season one where we find out about her past and her motivations. It was great! Created a three-dimensional character! Hunk has one in season one where he discovers what it really means to fight and why they’re all out here. He wants to protect the Balmerans more than anyone else and sees why Voltron is needed. Great writing!

Yet the writers seem to have forgotten this! There’s no point to a character arc unless you keep that growth and have the characters act on it from that point on. Take my other main complaint with this season: how Galra Keith was treated. It was built up amazingly and had a fantastic episode for its reveal.

And then... nothing. We didn’t see Keith react to it much, we didn’t see him tell the team (and man, that would have been a GREAT scene), and I’m afraid it’s just going to be written off next season as a plot point. Is he going to have trouble accepting it? Is he going to want to talk to the others about it every now and then? Is Hunk joking about it really helping him normalize it for himself? Or are the writers just going to make it “okay now Keith can open doors and shit?” I hope with the reveal of Altean Haggar we’re going to get some cool parallels and character moments, but I don’t know.

Point being, Voltron writes these great arcs but then re-tropes their characters when they’re done with them, which is sloppy writing. It’s mainly because there are so many characters that it’s tough to give them all great moments in every episode. Which I get it! I get that you can’t let them all shine every episode! Occasionally someone should step back and be a bit more trope-ish for the sake of keeping a good flow in an episode. But not all the time, and certainly not because that character has already had a complete character arc and “had their moment.”

Lance is heavily hinted at getting an arc next season about his self-doubt, which will be amazing. But this isn’t enough. The show must remember its character growth and keep it with the characters.

Characters are more than just their most prominent trait.

#wow this got long #voltron #vld #voltron legendary defender #voltron season 2 #vld spoilers #voltron season 2 spoilers #long post #i am upset can you tell

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visionsofalife · 7 years

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tag thing

i was tagged by my wonderful pal @cyberspacedisgrace! your blog is awesome and so are you, thank you!!! (pls tag me in more stuff that goes for everyone else as well you all know how much i love oversharing honestly) let’s go! (this is going to be a long one i’m so sorry)

rules: answer these questions, then tag some pals to do it too!

what is your idea of perfect happiness?: spending time with my friends & not having any responsibility or anxiety - just laughing until my stomach hurts at memes and having a general good time. that, or wrapped in a blanket immersing myself in any universe that isn’t this one, preferably with popcorn.

what is your greatest fear?: i’m scared of a lot, but i think the pointlessness of the universe is a big one. i believe the meaning of life is to find your own meaning, so i guess i fear that i’ll never be content with my meaningless life and i’ll always want more - nothing’s ever enough.

what is the trait you most deplore in yourself?: self-doubt and a general fuck-ton of insecurity. the fact that the majority of it is irrational doesn’t make it go away.

what is the trait you most deplore in others?: malicious bigotry, discrimination, selfishness, hatred. which living person do you most admire?: i truly believe lin-manuel miranda might actually be the shakespeare of the modern age. i also love emma watson for using her voice to battle gender inequality, and hazel hayes / dodie clark for being constant creative inspirations and all around lovely, smart, kind and amazingly talented women on youtube. what is your greatest extravagance?: i save a lot and tend to spend little, but concert/theatre tickets are pretty damn expensive what is your current state of mind?: i just finished an essay and have been scrolling tumblr non-stop for an hour, so this is about as content as i get, not counting the ever-present feeling that i’ve never done enough hahahhahhahah

what do you consider the most overrated virtue?: being perfect in order to be considered desirable. on what occasion do you lie?: i used to lie a lot about liking stuff so other people would like me, but luckily i haven’t needed to do that in a while. i’ll lie if someone close to me has asked me to and i think there’s a good reason for it. otherwise, i prefer to just tell the truth.

what do you most dislike about your appearance: my height and body shape make me look like a hobbit.

which living person do you most despise?: anyone who fuels hate, anger and fear. what is the quality you most like in a man?: a good sense of humour, great taste in memes and a general kindness/empathy for other human beings i guess.

what is the quality you most like in a woman?: same as above, really which words or phrases do you most overuse?: is this the section to bring up i started whipping ironically a lot and now it’s a serious issue i can’t stop also “what to heck”, “literally”, “honestly”, “i’m going to shit” and “crippling depression™

what or who is the greatest love of your life?: you underestimate how much i adore garlic bread.

when and where were you happiest?: tatinof manchester, october 11th 2015. it’s the first place that comes to mind and still my happy place to this day.

which talent would you most like to have?: i wish i could sing better but unfortunately i tend to sound like an asthmatic walrus being sat on. and that’s on a good day.

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: if i charged a penny to anyone who has either told me i’m short like i somehow haven’t already noticed or made a height joke at me, i could afford an nintendo switch. so i’d either be taller or i’d have more chill. what do you consider your greatest achievement?: tom(ska) put my art in one of his videos and said lovely things about it, which was amazing. overcoming social anxiety to talk to some of my favourite creators at sitc last year was pretty cool too. if you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?: i’d be a tortoise honestly, they seem pretty chill. or a sloth cause i’d actually have an excuse to be lazy. where would you most like to live?: i have no idea. not where i am now, but most likely still in the uk. it would be nice to live in brighton since i was born there and it’s a really great place but it’s so far away from everything and everyone i know.

what is your most treasured possession?: my signed mine turtle, blimp, or my laptop/phone. every story i’ve ever written and many stories i’m planning to write are on my laptop, so i wouldn’t part with it in a hurry. what do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?: days where i do fuck all. i’m at my worst when i’m not productive. what is your favourite occupation?: i just want to tell stories please what is your most marked characteristic?: creativity and kindness, i hope.

what do you most value in your friends?: the same sense of humour and taste in memes. kindess, empathy, and a laugh even on bad days.

who are your favourite writers (musicians, artists, poets etc)?: i adore everything rainbow rowell has ever written. bo burnham, rebecca sugar, alex hirsch, dodie clark, hazel hayes, jack & dean, pj ligouri, tom ridgewell are all amazing creative people and massive inspirations of mine. i also love p!atd, top, bastille, paramore, muse, glass animals, fob, atl - bands that i’ve fallen in and fallen out of love with over the past two years but still adore anyway. finally, the holy trinity: dan, phil, and lin-manuel miranda. d&p have been a massive part of my life for three and a half years, and hamilton is one of the best pieces of art i’ve have ever experienced.

who is your hero of fiction?: i have many many fictional heroes, but this post is already too long so i’ll keep it down to three - peggy carter, princess leia, and rey. all wonderful, amazing, strong ass-kicking women who i aspire to be more like every day.

i’m sorry this was so long! i’m tagging @starlitfandoms, @@trash-can-so-do-i, @higayimmom, @houseofglitter & @tinyplanetxplorer because they’re the first five blogs i saw in my notes lmao, none of you have to do it if you don’t want to but yeah <3

i hope you have a wonderful day/evening/whatever the fuck timezone you may be in and that things are good wherever you are ^-^ - sian

#jesus that took me almost an hour to write lmao oops #but still very fun!!!#love doing tags honestly #shut up sian #long post

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jude-harley · 7 years

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mental health wheeeee

i’m going to talk about some mental health stuff, it’s okay if you don’t read, there’s some self harm talk and some friendship drama (i don’t blame them but i still have some feelings and if u think it might apply to you don’t worry i still love and care about you unless you don’t want me to love and care about you in which case i will respectfully maintain my distance) and also i feel like it’s kinda guilt trippy but i literally don’t know so

it’s just alot of me dumping my thoughts and feelings i’m not trying to look a certain way i hope, and i’m not trying to argue anything i don’t know this is just feelings

but i’d really appreciate it if you like the post if you do read the whole thing

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow okay so i got some feelings

see, for someone with mental health issues, a fucked up past, and all the shit i’ve gone through, i’m actually doing pretty damn well.

key word: for.

i....... mean, it’s like.

on the outside, i’m doing okay. i have pretty damn good grades (A’s and B’s, even at my super hard school!), i socialize with people, i eat, i sleep, i bathe myself (most of the time.) hell, i haven’t even self harmed!

well, i don’t know if i’ve self harmed or not, i guess. i don’t really know what counts as self harm. but i haven’t caused any physical damage!!!!!

and so, so, so many people would tell me i’m lucky. but i can’t help but feel, am i really?

i know that probably sounds incredibly fucking spoiled, but it’s like that one comic about how the broken cup is mended, and the chipped cup is cracked forever.

i’m not kidding when i say that. i internalize everything and trap my feelings and never let them out, but they don’t go away. ever. and then like, i don’t have a standard of what “normal” is, and i wind up suffering and in pair for so long because i just keep going and going and going and going and nobody notices and i think it’s normal because none of my work is affected and i’m still productive and i help other people so nothing must be wrong???

i stayed with my abusive mother for so fucking long because of that mentality

i guess what i’m saying is that the very specific life i’ve lead has cooked up a brain with a very weird.... brain thing. i don’t really think i can call it a mental illness?

see, my mental health so much revolves around other people. i need other people as a reference point for whats okay, it fluctuates based on other people’s opinions of me, i place my self worth on how useful and productive i am, and the main, absolute main reason i’ve stayed alive and never self harmed is because of other people.

but like.... not in a good or healthy way. well, right now, since i’m out of my abusive mom’s household i’m doing better and am trying to stay positive and motivated with things like “you can’t die yet because you haven’t shown your art to the guys who made avatar yet!” i mean, that’s still based around other people’s opinion of me, but at least it’s a more stable goal than appeasing my mother.

like, i swear, the day that she took away my computer, and screamed at me and hit me until i was sobbing in my bathroom, THE ONLY THING stopping me from cutting out of how much i hated myself was that it would make a mess, which was not good or productive.

and it’s just???? been like that for so fucking long???? i know “any reason to not self harm or commit suicide is a good reason” but it doesn’t FEEL like a good reason. i still hate myself so, so, so, so fucking much. i feel genuinely worthless.

and it’s like.... you know, maybe it would be better if i self harmed? maybe i should? because then maybe someone would care because literally all it fucking takes for me to feel good is someone telling me i do good. that’s...... that’s fucking it.

and yeah i guess this is partially about some shit that happened with an online friend group that resulted in me getting banned from the group chat (i made a hitler joke without thinking, it was along the lines of “don’t kill baby hitler if u travel back in time lol” and spiraled so out of control) and i genuinely feel fucking awful about it. and i’m not angry at them. i’m really not. i guess i just wish that, i dunno.... honestly. i wish i knew how to think and what to do exactly? because i had fucked up without thinking before and i’ve apologized before and said i would get better, and i’ve really been trying, i’ve been trying so hard to get better, but like, they’ve said i haven’t actually gotten better and i do feel really bad and idk i don’t know if i actually have gotten better and they were just angry or if i haven’t improved i dunno

and like the worst part is that i feel like i can’t express that i really am sorry without sounding like a liar and a faker and fucking manipulative and just trying to get it over with (even right now!!!!) because that’s how my mom was and god i feel like even right now i’m making more fucking excuses because i’m just a shitty person like that. i’m so sorry if it is like that don’t feel bad

but also i guess it’d be nice if when calling me out and shit they had made me feel like less of a despicable person like they literally did say alot of shit like that and i don’t even remeber who did it (there were three times i was called out within the group chat, the first time i really WAS doing something shitty and i needed to be called out and i felt alot.... idk cleaner afterwards and i think i really did improve

the other two times i guess it was really just one guy who’s real name i don’t know and a couple other people (it’s such a blur i can’t remember) who were fairly justified but idk i wish that they weren’t so harsh about it i guess. i mean they didn’t have to be like “what u did wasn’t that bad uwu” but it would have been nice if they had been more like “what u did was shitty, but you can learn from it.” i mean i’m not trying to be passive agressive here this is legit how i feel. also i feel like they didn’t believe me when i apologized and i’m paranoid about being guilt trippy when i talk about my feelings (see: my mother) and i guess this just made it worse because i can’t say that it’s just my mental illness, there’s a strong basis for fact here and every time i feel bad about it i just feel more guilt trippy and it’s a horrible vicious cycle

DISCLAIMER IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT I STILL LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM EVERY DAY BUT I WANT TO RESPECT THEIR DESCION TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE

mina, vi, madi, if you are reading this, i am sorry, i really am. you don’t have to forgive me or be friends with me again but i don’t hate you and i don’t want to hurt you. i understand that i might hurt you without meaning to and it’s better for you to be away from me, that’s okay. but i want you to know you aren’t bad people, and i don’t hate you or not like you, and you guys deserve the best stuff in the world.

i dunno, i guess this kinda got off topic. odds are they won’t actually read it, and i still feel guilty trippy and bad. like so so so fucking guilt trippy. i feel fake and like a faker and my moiral hasn’t been online for a while and i really miss her

tldr: i feel like fucking shit and a faker who guilt trips people because i hurt some people and feel about about it and because i manage to remain functional and productive despite my shit and it makes me feel like a faker and also makes me want to self harm because it’s not actually that bad unless i self harm. i don’t actually want to die thank god now that i’m out of my abusive mother’s household but i’m so close to self harming.

WARNING I TALK A SHIT TON ABOUT DEATH AND SUICIDE AND SELF HARMING

i mean i feel like it wouldn’t hurt if i just. did it once. you know i already get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting myself i could maybe just..... cut myself a couple places on my arms. on my legs. not neat, messy, natural, like i got them in a fight or in an accident. but i guess then nobody would still notice unless i told them but maybe i could tell them

but if i told them then i would just be a faker, right, cause i don’t actually wanna die. again, literally i don’t want to die because it would be an inconvenience to other people. i have maybe, like, one reason i don’t want to die that isn’t “i’d inconvience other people and make them sad despite the fact that i’m a useless piece of garbage because one, death in general makes people upset, two, i’m leave behind such a mess, not just physically, but with all the paperwork too, and three, people wouldn’t actually miss me all that much, they’d feel sorry for themselves, feel soooooo bad because oh no where did i go wrong, all the bullshit like that.” of course, some people would be more than inconvenienced, my dad, stepmom, sister, pets, and hopefully my two best friends would be heartbroken, but my mom would only mourn for her hypothetical daughter, not her real kid who’s gender is... i don’t even know. probably a boy and a girl. but she’d never accept it.

anyway, my only reason for living other than what’s stated above is i have to go show the avatar guys my work, and my long term reason for living is making a tv show a la gravity falls that alex hirsch loves so much he guest stars in it and maybe even works on it with me.

so alex, if you go, i go too.

but yeah see if i did that i’d jsut be doing it for attention and everyone would hate me because i’m amking a mockery of a real and serious mental illness. and then if my dad found out i’d be sent to a mental institution for a week (protocol where i live, if your child shows suicidal ideation, send em to the hostipal) and other people would be like, “yeah i’m in cause i took 48 prozacs and then went swimming in a pool of vodka that i not only drank but attempted to drown myself in” and i’d be there like “yeah uh i cut myself once for attention and it was specifically planned out in a place that wouldn’t kill me but would attract just enough attention to get other people to sympathize with me because atm i don’t actually want to die, i just kinda hate myself” and then they’d all hate me cause i’m a fucking faker who’s passing all they’re classes and even did well in most of them and is on track and doesn’t do drugs or have sex or do anything dangerous and i don’t really hate myself and i’m just a fucking leech on resources who think’s they’re depressed BUT THEY ARENT AND I’M JSUT A DFUKCING PIECE OF SHIT

and see i know this would happen because at my local lgbt+ club lots of people think i’m a faker and a prude or maybe they don’t and they see me as 100% mentally healthy or they even envy my life and if i hated myself they’d be like “wtf????? ur life i so good man???? like, only one parent is abusive??? you have good grades???? you handle urself??? you have friends????? you aren’t as bad as me”

and okay maybe they don’t treat me like that and they probably don’t but it’s how i feel. i feel like shit and a faker but why do i want to hurt myself so much but not die that doesn’t make sense

but listen if you get to the end of this, and you are reading this. this isn’t a situation where i’m like, “tell me how awful i am” see because after reading this i guess you get that i hate myself but i don’t hate myself but i hate myself for not hating myself that much

so if ur reading this and u wanna help yes, yes, validation and positivity and “ur not a horrible person or a faker” would be unbelivabley helpful because like i said i’m very impacted by other people

#why do i wanna self harm even though my life is good????#why do i have these thoughts???#see i'm a faker #biologist.txt #self harm//#vent//#depression//#suicide///#it's just a vent and i talk about it alot no visuals

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geek-gem · 7 years

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So just....this was in my mind...and gonna miss OK KO just it's reruns of the new episode 6:22 pm but...

I have been wanting to talk about this just...I guess because of someone I follow and it popped up.

Think I'll just skip to it. Including I have made a joke now I remember what this post was of what I wanted to talk about. Including I've been wanting to make it for some time.

I made a text post and talked a bit but also that text post which I even copied and pasted to Deviantart almost left Tumblr I made it on Tumblr first.

Basically that I am quite upset that Disney cancelled Wander Over Yonder and it never got a season 3. Also this thing despite Alex Hirsch's choice to end Gravity Falls I talk about the day I lost my innocence is when I found out the show was ending.

Honestly the whole fuck it the whole losing your innocence thing sounds stupid as fuck. I understand of maybe your young seeing something sexual and before the show was confirmed to end no really the whole innocence thing I knew about sex and shit.

Yet the whole innocence thing I shouldn't be talking about it more but just how shocked I was by that announcement. I even made a journal about it on Deviantart and forgot if I think I cried about hearing the news.

Now Wander Over Yonder a show I think I got into 2015 before season 2 aired. Including as I kept watching the series at times. It really bothered me.

While Gravity Falls ended with Alex Hirsch's choice, but not WOY and not Craig McCracken's choice. Including their were plans for season 3. Honestly I was hoping and hope or it seemed like their were others that a season 3 would be confirmed before the show ended.

Honestly I have seen the final episode of WOY the day it aired but not Gravity Falls because this idea of it's doesn't end when I see it. Or have this mindset all of the characters died by some nuke or some shit some missile...I just think of the events after Resident Evil 2 and 3.

Even if I support the Save WOY movement my head. Yet seriously I feel at times it just doesn't do much.

Random thing about Gravity Falls I remember my friend who he knows about what's with me he was shocked the next day or some shit it was at our adult school and he was shocked when I said no when he asked if I saw it.

Read the last paragraph I made before this one but trying to remember just also okay... honestly I am also upset that Gravity Falls gets reruns but not Wander Over Yonder. Maybe because it was cancelled yet I got the idea of not watching any Disney related channel. Yet I sometimes see it at Pizza Hut or when my cousin T's baby girl is here.

I got that idea to not watch any Disney related channel mainly Disney XD from someone well watch them on Deviantart but not anymore on Tumblr gonna think about that. She just...okay was it hers to not watch Disney XD unless WOY comes back on she might be not serious because of other shows she watches it seems. Just judging by her art, but I took that boycott pretty damn seriously despite it's not really doing anything.

Including really my mindset towards Disney even some of their other stuff. I've been thinking I don't wanna see some of their properties just maybe some or just... seriously I feel this anger basically adds to when some times people talk shit about Disney. I tell myself that they aren't all bad. Yet I take the whole cancellation pretty damn personal.

I just have a personal thing against Disney now.

But I also remember this. Because of this I miss out on shows like Star Vs The Forces Of Evil, Milo Murphy's Law, and others such as the new DuckTales reboot.

While the first two shows I mentioned mainly enjoyed the first season of Star Vs and the first two episodes of Milo Murphy's Law I honestly liked. I kind of forget but did the boycott happen I don't know when more Milo episodes were gonna show after it aired.

Including my distaste towards Disney I even feel like hating the shows that I don't watch or just feel just... seriously distaste.

Along with this stuff I am thinking both happenings at first it was Gravity Falls that really hit hard then Wander Over Yonder but just... honestly it depends on the mood yet the whole cancellation of WOY seems worse because yeah it didn't get a chance.

But I was gonna say okay don't move or I'm being silly moved my body a bit and my head and again more back sorry. Moving body okay but...

What I mean is after that shit I don't wanna say my personality changed. I just had maybe a different mindset. Basically towards Disney and other shit. I don't wanna say I became more brutal that sounds silly as fuck lol okay to smile, or even meaner. But basically I look at Disney all of it or just...with a stink eye or make it seem like well...yeah it felt like something personal was taken away not silly.

This well...I remember even talking to my friend about this and just... I wanted to mention this seems to be a thing with Autistics and the term special interests. Including the idea of being scared of change which can apply to different things.

I can't believe and even thought when making this that I was gonna make this a lot. But I basically wanted to say if I'm gonna be miserable missing all of those shows because of two or just one show. Then fine then I'll feel miserable or just some shit like that

Yes their is YouTube and remember thinking Dailymotion and other video websites out there. But God damn I take it quite seriously of not watching other Disney shows unless those two stuff I mentioned.

Out of my chair and decided to put The Haunted on commercials on almost recorded this. Basically I wanted to talk about this and...screw it yeah put dots type too fast and mess up at first. But if anyone wants to talk I would like that. But also okay but again not silly, I don't talk about this much not to bother anyone. Because it would get annoying as fuck.

I wanted to talk about that and I didn't reply to a friend of mine Cradedoll and people getting angry at cartoons whatever don't wanna mention not silly 6:53 pm

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