#also the bpd and my general lack of any kind of a personality doesn't do much for me

[gab-has-adhd]

📍🃏Illumi and Hisoka headcanons I have

Warning for potential NSFW or gore-related stuff as well as general angst, traumas, s*icid*l thoughts and drug use ⚠️ Please do not read if you are not in the best mental health state and believe this could harm you. Stay safe 💕

Warning for some SPOILERS if you only watched the anime and/or didn't read pas the end of the election arc 🌸

Do not engage a discussion with me if you are disagreeing please, I just feel like sharing, I am not looking for discussion or arguments 🌸 Keep in mind that these are just my headcanons in the end, and headcanons, by definition, aren't canon.

📍Illumi📍

A traumatized man who always acts as if nothing is wrong, ignoring his trauma on purpose, not seeking help nor wanting to heal

He has been brainwashed by his parents. By his family in general. This guy believes he exists only to be useful to the Family (tm)

Meeting Hisoka is specifically what made him start to stray from "the path of the assassin"

Baby realized he had the right to desire things for himself like any human being

And boy he wants power and control

Absolutely yassified himself to match Hisoka

Neurodivergent (AuDHD, I want to believe)

Queer and homosexual

I want to believe he has BPD solely because I want him to be like me

He does feel pain. He just doesn't react to it. His pain receptors might have been altered, but I like to think it's more of an emotionally / sensitively stunted kinda thing

I really just think he got tortured until he just completely stopped reacting.

God thas man is broken

He does dissociate and have traumatic flashbacks on occasions. And ignores them. And lets his mental health get worse.

Used to have trypanophobia

Sensations are complicated for him. They tend to mix up. He often confuses pain for pleasure (the opposite as well)

Boy is extreme. He likes everything extreme. He wants to feel things, and to feel things, they have to be extreme.

Weird fascination for blood

I swear to fuck this man holds himself back so hard from provoking bloodshed because he is an ✨️assassin✨️ and has to be discreet and professional, but. Dang. Blood.

He's AFAB just because I am AFAB úwù

Probably greyromantic or demiromantic.

Also probably greysexual or demisexual.

He does care for Hisoka, deep down. But he 100% denies that fact. Denies so hard he thinks Hisoka being dead won't bother him at all. It will. God it will.

He's so silly.

Everyone thinks he has no emotions but he does have emotions! He has a heck lot of emotions. It's the ability to emote he somewhat lacks. Ya know, like a lot of neurodivergent people.

He's a dom but he will be a bottom for the right person (aka someone able to override his numbness and make him scream)

More of a masochist than a sadist

Lanky boy who does hard drugs because he wants to feel ✨️

Secret death wish

Takes everything he hears literally

Toned but underweight

Knows how to make piercings

When he was little, Kikyo used to dress him up in kimonos like a doll just like with Kalluto.

Look I love both of his seiyuus honestly but Urara Takano wins my heart

Depending on the person and despite how detached he acts, he can actually behave in a jealous or possessive way.

⭐️Hisoka💧

Such a mystery man right here

Genderfluid pansexual

Oh boy he do be hypersexual

His natural hair color is red. This guy is a ginger.

He dyes them magenta or blue all the time.

He actually is covered with freckles.

Uses makeup + Bungee Gun + Texture Surprise to hide them though

He is very self-conscious about his face and overall appearance. Baby hates his freckles.

I don't teally wanna imagine a backstory for this guy. This guy doesn't need one. I honestly don't care about why he is Like That, he just is. Let him remain the Mystery Man!

Sociopath

Does he actually care for Illumi? Honestly? Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't.

But at the end of the day I do think Illumi is really just another of his toys. An exceptional toy, a toy nonetheless.

Obsessed with violence

A very lonely man

Kind of a loser honestly

Actually an introvert

Possibly has ADHD. As an ADHD person I am not sure to see traits in him but hey. Why not

Doesn't have a death with but he isn't scared of death either

Is he only capable of feeling genuine, 100% not-twisted romantic feelings? I doubt it

There is something deeply wrong with this man but we will never know why

Life is just a game for him and he intends to have as much fun as possible

Autoassassinophilic mf

Just as more of a sadist than he is a masochist

Both Illumi and Chrollo make his kokoro go dokidoki, but at least with Illumi it's mutual (?)

Body covered with scars he hides with his nen

He is still disfigured from the Chrollo fight under that Bungee Gum

He is kept alive by post-mortem nen. When / if he succeeds to kill all of the Spiders, he will die for good.

Might have actually met Illumi once when they were kids. They both forgot.

I prefer his 1999 seiyuu. Hiroki Takahashi in my heart forever 🌸

This man has the worst possible vibe but gets what he wants thanks to his big dumptruck ass and his charisma

Pathologically big cock

He thinks too often with said cock instead of using his brain

#gab talks #gabs stuff #headcanons #rambles #hxh #hunter x hunter #hunterxhunter #illumi zoldyck #hisoka morow #illumi #hisoka #hisoillu #hisoka x illumi #//suggestive #//nsfw text #//drugs mention #// sh #//trauma #// violence #//blood #angst #lgbt #lgbt headcanons

[fearofahumanplanet]

Hi I'm the anon from https://at.tumblr.com/askaborderline/hey-looking-for-supportadvice-i-am-terrified/tlz1qbnadpq0

Could you elaborate more on what you said about it sounding like NPD?

Oh, hey!

Okay, well first off, said before but I'm going to reiterate here: I CANNOT and will not diagnose you, I am not a doctor, please just use this as a sort of guideline and general observations and please look into it yourself if you think this is something you may suffer from. (Just be careful - most medical sources are incredibly ableist and hateful towards NPD, it is possibly the most stigmatized mental disorder I can think of).

(Second off, I'm going to use the actual NPD diagnostic criteria as much as I can, but it's incredibly ableist and only focuses on outward behaviors and none of the internal feelings, so a lot of this will have to be anecdotal from experiences from me and many other people I've met w/ NPD)

"I am terrified that I'm going to slip up and not be perfect when I'm around others" This was the first thing that really got me, this is not actually an inherent BPD symptom by any means, this is actually the crux of NPD - the diagnostic criteria doesn't mention it, just goes on and on about "arrogance" or whatever, but I really desperately think it needs official re-definition, bc every person w/ NPD I've met (including myself) is struck with a constant, debilitating, endless need to be perfect and never be seen failing to anyone around them - it's really hard to live with, but yeah, that's what first made me think. I also get a lot of general paranoia and anxiety about it even when I'm not around others.

"when I accidentally seem like I'm not perfect I enter this horrible cycle of self-hate and I keep splitting on people after like "oh they're doing good things/is really good straight" to "they're not worth my effort" especially when I'm the one who slips up even though I need to be the one to be perfect" and this to me sounds like what a lot of us call a "narc crash" - in which you essentially are forced to confront the reality that you aren't perfect and/or you're running low on "supply" (admiration), and as such you tend to go through a lot of cognitive dissonance that leads to breakdowns and (often) anger at others or a need to withdraw or engage in reckless behaviors.

"I just have a general apathy towards being friends with anyone," This is another common thing I experience in social relationships and a lot of people w/ NPD do, to quote the diagnostic criteria "lacking empathy". We also tend to see relationships as rather transactional, often have "chosen people" that tend to get close more because of them being good sources of supply rather than because there's an emotional connection. (This is not a condemnation. People w/ low empathy can actively choose to still be kind and maintain relationships. It just hardly comes innately, in my experience. It definitely feels like work to me, it's just work I choose to put in).

"It's like I keep getting a high especially when complimented or validated (and this has caused me to attach and I have a new fp now and it's happened a LOT)" To quote the diagnostic criteria again, "requires excess admiration". (That supply I talked about). This is exactly how I experience receiving supply, it feels like a drug to me and can essentially keep me living. Without it, I quite literally do want to die - it's pretty wretched. BPD & NPD are also pretty common co-morbidities, so that early admiration often causes one to develop a FP and... yeah. There's also this thing that NPD circles usually call "relationship burnout", and this is definitely something I also experience, in which you essentially find it very hard to maintain relationships, because after the initial beginning stage of knowing someone new, I pretty much usually get bored of them and the apathy comes back anew.

"then a crash when I get insulted or I fuck up etc. (This causes splitting as well) and it's such extreme emotions that it's hard to manage" I point up to the narc crash again, bc this is exactly how it happens to me a lot of the time and when you have a BPD comorbid involved the emotions are even more intense.

So like I said, do not take this as diagnosis, I'm not a doctor, but I really do think it might be good for you to look into it and get a clearer idea of what's going on in your head, bc reading your ask really just felt like reading about an NPD experience, I thought I somehow ended up on the wrong blog.

I hope that clears some things up and I wish the best for you :)

#asks

[inredshead]

I feel like, to people who have never had significant trauma or have never experienced mental illness or tragedy or anything can't be made to understand those kinds of things and that's okay, great maybe even. But it also means that those people might never be able to understand things about those who have endured those things. I don't know. As I grow and become more aware of my mental illness and areas I lack and even become better in some respects, the more I realize that it is really scary to try to better yourself from these things. There is a whole other level of imposter syndrome that infects you when you are speaking to perfectly well-meaning people who probably love you but don't understand mental illness let alone someone who is trying to explain that they recognize their own mental illness and that sometimes there is nothing they can do about it. Having mental illness is so fucking much and sometimes I think the fact that I am generally so high functioning makes it even harder for people to understand- like sometimes I feel people I am close to judging me like because I am aware and trying to work on my issues that owning them feels like I am using them as an excuse for being how I am. But I'm not trying to be those things. I hate those things, and if I could I would get rid of all of them, but they are plaguing me and I just want it to be okay that I have managed to figure some things out and I'm working on them but sometimes shitty things that I can't seem to figure out seep out of the cracks and I recognize why they are happening but I can't keep them from happening the way they are. I hate that I am a certain way because of my brain and that I have the mental capacity to recognize when my mental illness is showing but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It hurts so bad when these things hit. Like, right now... it feels... like my soul is a raw blister in the wind. I just know I'm over reacting but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel the raw blistering seeping out of me and out of my little eyes and I just feel like crying is all I can do. All I want to do is feel it go away and talk to the person that I can't I think its hard because I'm with someone who makes me feel so safe and is so different and so much of what I usually have anxiety about is subdued. But maybe we need to talk about communication. I feel like I let him down and I don't want to. But I also have a full time job fixing myself on top of actual human being bullshit like a job and all the other stuff I'm struggling with. I just want to be more. I want to not feel these things so much I don't want to regret trying to live more normally, have normal relationships with people and do normal things. I was really liking it. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time and I just hope this is all in my head and not a fucking premonition about things. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I just want things to be good and get better. I don't know. Why do I do this. Maybe I can't be in a committed two person thing until the person knows every shitty thing about me and we work out a communication system. I don't know. I just feel like what is the way to be myself and be strong and straight-forward but also not stand for bullshit when its actually bullshit but not get "girly" about things, but then also be gentle with myself because I also have these BPD experiences that are so much more that I know I need to recognize and try to work through but... fuck sometimes I don't know how to handle them. Like right now. What should I do? I know I am feeling more than what is normal but is it because I'm realizing something terrible is about to hit or because I am overreaccting to something that feels like disappointments from the past? Fuck.

[plague-of-insomnia]

Lol I *hate* that post. Also like, most people don't read classic lit, and classic lit in general can be critized as being made up of primarily cis, white, straight men. Women and queer authors often have their works shuffled into YA. And fanfic?? Primarily made of of women and queer folk (and queer women). Which... is often what the reasoning is why it's targeted.

Also, children's lit and YA lit are some of the best works I've read. They deal with harsh topics. One of my favorite books from when I was a kid is Gossamer by Lois Lowry. My class read it in fifth grade (so like, 10 year olds) and it dealt heavily with abuse and coping with and recovery from trauma. The book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson also deals with very dark themes, and it's YA. (Also both very good books and I highly recommend each. Look up the trigger lists for them. When I say they deal with dark subjects, I mean it.)

Fanfic and YA are such broad categories, and to dismiss them shows a clear lack of true understanding of literature. Typically, when people say they dislike them, it boils down to bias against queer people, women, and romance as a genre (which was spear headed by, you guessed it, queers and women).

Also, there's nothing wrong with liking tropes. I like tropes. Everyone likes specific tropes. We've all just been copying off of one another since the beginning of art creation, and we will continue to do so. Just let people enjoy things ffs. Reading is for fun and creating fanfic is for fun. Just because I read or write something doesn't mean I want to base a master's thesis around it

[In reference to this post: TL;DR - people who only read fan fic/YA aren’t capable of understanding/analyzing complex themes bc they’re obsessed with tropes]

Oof! @gabedemon, this is all a really good point/addition to why that OP’s point was 😬.

Now I’ll confess I do not personally like YA as a general rule, largely for two reasons: 1) I don’t like reading about teens and 2) for a while EVERYONE and their grandparents were writing YA to try and hitch onto the bandwagon of popular novels turned films like Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, et al, and so a lot of people were writing stuff just to try and ride a trend rather than bc that’s what they should have been writing/what their story actually wanted.

However, you are 100% right that there are some amazing novels that fall into that broad category and are worth reading whether you’re 15 or 95 (or somewhere in between).

One of the best novels I read before my headache began (and I stopped reading novels 😞) dealt with some really heavy issues (it was focused on suicide) — and it managed to delve into complex mental illness (like BPD, borderline personality disorder) and suicidality in a really realistic and complex way while not glorifying it in anyway. I highly recommend it, if the topic isn’t too tough for you (general you) to deal with, Suicide Watch:

I definitely think you see queer authors and their stories forced into niche publishers or fan fic (I don’t know if I would say only YA here as I’ve read a ton of non-YA queer published fiction).

I think you have some people who are just “snobs” who think only “serious” “literary fiction” is worth reading and has any depth. Those people have probably never read a really good YA novel (I also recommend Freaks Like Us for one that tackles mental illness in a insightful way) or any fan fic at all. (Or if they have, it’s something like My Immortal.) So they make the assumption that all fan fic must be meaningless drivel (as if there isn’t plenty of that in mainstream, published adult fiction or other media for that matter).

They also forget that people read for different reasons, and like you said, not everyone wants to read something to write a master’s thesis on.

Some “pulp” stories, like the Sherlock Holmes tales, have survived and proliferated across time and languages because people find them entertaining and can identify with the characters in some way. (Ofc some people like to analyze those stories but not everyone does; in fact, most people don’t, and that’s perfectly fine.)

So I think you have the snobs who really aren’t looking at it from a “I must crush queer writers,” though ofc you’re absolutely right about the fact that bias still exists among readers and publishers.

As I mentioned before, trying to publish a novel with a queer MC or romance through one of the big ones is really difficult for the same reason we see plenty of queer baiting in film but very few actual queer stories. Publishers are afraid that those stories won’t sell, will offend and affect sales of other books, etc, etc,

So we see the proliferation of queer stories and writers in fan fic where people are free to write whatever they want. And that’s really wonderful, imo. (But I also hope we finally see more mainstream queer stories and authors/creators as well.)

And as for tropes, honestly that was the dumbest part of the whole argument. Tropes have always and will always exist bc there’s just some things we humans love to see over and over and over again. I’m sure you could label just about any “high” art with a trope of some kind. Just bc something can be distilled into tropes doesn’t mean that’s all it is. I mean, writing programs always talk about things like “the hero’s journey” or whatever and that’s a kind of trope, too.

Anyway, I’m gonna stop before I keep rambling 😅 but yeah I think you make some really great points/additions, and I absolutely think that “all generalizations are bad” 😅😂 and trying to make a sweeping assessment like that is ridiculous.

Kind of reminds me of how much scorn “genre” fiction has gotten (think mystery novels or romance novels or sci fi, etc) because it’s “shallow.” But that has begun to change, and I do think we’re slowly seeing the attitude toward fan fic changing…. Now, if only we could chuck all the antis and their puritanical BS out the door….

#poi answers #gabedemon #literature #fiction tropes #very long post #not kuro