#and also I have been watching so so so much drawfee lately so it's a bit of a karina technique study!

[chiropteracupola]

neon flirtation

[I saw a tie-tack shaped like handcuffs at the antique store a few days ago and I wanted to draw something about it]

#em draws stuff #eyestrain #em can have little a mondrian motif as a treat... #this was supposed to be a curt mega spiesareforever but I got carried away and it stopped looking like him #(it is hard for me to draw realguys which is why I hardly ever do it) #and also I have been watching so so so much drawfee lately so it's a bit of a karina technique study! #essential karina elements: thin thin purposeful inks and sharp bold shading and most importantly Hunky Dudes #back to our regularly scheduled oldtimey lesbianisms forthwith but sometimes one does need a hunky dudes in eye-burning colors break

[volivolition]

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

what’s some good advice you want to share?

fave song at the moment?

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

-Drama

hi hi hello Drama!! :D <3 my responses are long-winded as usual <3

1) what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are? - growing up second oldest in a big family (you still carry a lot of responsibility for all the younger ones but whoops you're still not your perfect older sister!! oh well im a boy now so i never will be lmao!! speaking of which:) - transing my gender B) - MOST IMPORTANTLY, reading homestuck (truly fundamentally changed me as a person, artist, and storyteller, i cannot tell you how much of my current self can be all traced back to that fucking webcomic hkjhg)

12) what’s some good advice you want to share? - carry a pen, napkins, bandaids, plastic cutlery, hard candy, and something with whimsy (this can be a tiny bubble wand, stickers, a fake tealight, a fidget toy, etc. for me i have a tiny bag of ttrpg dice) with you if you're going to socialize somewhere. the hard candy is fun to share with friends (and is. also important if, like me, you have low blood sugar...) the whimsy item is just a good conversation point or boredom reliever - if executive dysfunction is fucking you up, break the task into tiny parts, with the first step being one you literally cannot fuck up, count to 20 and start the first step on 20. (if you dont start on 20, forgive yourself and count again). - hold onto whatever tiny joys you can, any reason to stay alive is a good one, progress can feel incremental but i promise it will get better eventually as long as you keep living.

38) fave song at the moment? other than "Too Sweet" by Hozier playing on repeat in my brain, "On Your Mind" by Noah Floersch has been really vibing with me lately :3 <3

39) youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why? truly my youtube is a mess, i rarely watch youtubers consistently hgkjh <3 um, my best answer is probably Drawfee, but even then, i haven't been watching them as often these days <3 i put them on in the background because since they're drawing, they encourage me to draw too hkjhg <3

#volta transmissions #THANK YOU FOR ASKING!! <33 handing you fuit gummy <33 oh you like sour candies! hands you sour patch kids <3 #if you had to know anything about me its probably the fact that im a mage of breath. it explains my entire personality lmao #i always have werthers caramels with me for low blood sugar but my lgbt club loves them. we've joked im very grandparent-coded because i #always have things on hand just in case people need them. and the grandma candies hkjgh #the executive dysfunction trick is one i have used for years. i used it a lot when i couldn't get out of bed in the mornings -.- #''okay im going to count to 20 and on 20 we're just going to move the blanket down. that's it okay?'' and then momentum would carry me #from there so i could keep going. jesus i should work on the sunrise momentum. anyway!!!!! <333

[dawnbreakersgaze]

kay all of the above... HAKFKSKFB NO IM KIDDING

6, 11, 25 for that ask game? 👀

Lmao about to make me do all that work 🥴😩🤣

6- which artists inspire you right now:

I've been watching a TON of Drawfee lately and I'm so so inspired by Karina's absolute unhinged, unabashed love for her interests and to just draw whatever the fuck she wants. Julia's dedication to the most detailed backgrounds is also really pushing me to explore more scene sets ups and trying out different, more adventurous angles. The whole cast really has made me feel like I can do so much more than I ever thought I could without making me feel like it's an overwhelming effort to improve or push beyond my current (self imposed) boundaries.

11- Your favorite comment you've ever received on your work:

It's from waaay back in 2012, but I'll never forget it-

25- Based on your recent reference searches, what would the FBI assume about you?:

That I need a new couch, am looking to bind someone's hands for dubious reasons, and either have a really big dog, or I'm buying a leather slip/choke leash for some other less savory reason lmao😅

#kay's answers #my irl husband saw the leash in the history and gave me so much shit for it lmao but at least he thought the drawing was hot so 🤷🏽 #art asks #thank you Wifey ♡♡♡♡

[hello-eeveev]

tagged by @quinn-of-aebradore (and I was tagged in a very similar thing by @spottedenchants a bit ago but didn’t get around to it before this, so I hope you don’t mind me combining them!) thank you :D

Last song I listened to: “Sometime We’ll Understand” from the Lamb of God Easter oratorio by Rob Gardner. With the season and driving by a bunch of churches with Easter signs, I got real nostalgic for Easter music because there are so many great pieces. And Lamb of God holds a lot of memories for me because my dad was the lead cellist for the local production for several years, and I even got to take part one year. And it is just soooo musically tasty and I was just filled with energy listening to it yesterday. The CHOIR, the SOLOISTS, the SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA!!! If you remember me expressing my love for French horns a few weeks ago, Lamb of God played no small part in establishing this opinion. If you don’t mind Christian hymns, I highly recommend checking it out, and all of Rob Gardner’s work because he is truly one of the goats.

Last book I read: I’ve kinda started and stopped a few books recently, not for any particular reason just… idk. So instead I’m gonna plug a fic I’ve been keeping up with that published its final chapter last night: Judgement & Justice! It is such a fascinating and engaging work that explores the details of legally condemning Ikithon, the ways that the law can fail anyone, how even doing something you believe is right can be incredibly traumatizing. As one of the tags says, “the mundane horrors of the criminal justice system”. So good. I highly recommend.

Last film I watched: ummmm, yesterday I saw like 30 minutes of Wish after the school field trip bc the teacher was so kind and said, “nope. interpreters are out of commission. we’re watching a movie.” The music didn’t appeal to me too much, which sucks bc I LOVE Ariana DeBose’s voice. But I will say that the special effect art was sick and some of the character designs are cute!

Last TV series: uhhhh idk I watch a lot of YouTube. Drawfee, Zelda randomizers, that kinda stuff. and critrole obv lol :)

Last thing I googled: “peafowl”. I love birds and will infodump about them and I wanted to show my coworker how different peahens are to peacocks, and most people have no idea they’re called anything but peacocks.

Last thing I ate: ritz crackers and nutella. It’s a combination I wouldn’t have put together of my own accord, but in eighth grade, my friend brought some into history class and convinced me to try it and I’ve been sold ever since.

Sweet, savory, or spicy: Yes. However, savory and spicy go well together, but sweet doesn’t go with either. I have a massive sweet tooth and my mom raised me to have high standards for desserts, so when I have sweets, I want them to be to my taste. I like spicy food and I have a decent spice tolerance. It used to be higher but either adulthood or my anxiety meds reduced it rip :’(

Amount of sleep: ummmm about 6 hours? I should probably be getting more, but unfortunately sleep is boring.

Currently reading: The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner. I’m about halfway through, and it’s pretty enjoyable, but I hear it’s got a good twist later on so I’m excited.

currently obsessed with: you know it’s shadowgast lol. but more specifically I’m still in my How to Rest brainrot. I have a break next week, so I want to get the chapter 6 director’s commentary done and start working on the coda fic bc hnnngggghgg soft wizards.

I’m also obsessed with my cat. She’s turning 6 on Sunday and she’s been so snuggly lately! Look at her!!!

I always feel so awkward about tagging bc I never know who’s already been tagged, so if you want to do this, you are fully allowed to say that I tagged you 💕

#eve talks #kiki posting

[sqbr]

Dreamwidth Crosspost: Drawfee

I've been really enjoying the Youtube channel Drawfee lately, after spending a couple of years seeing it around and being confused about what it actually is or where to start watching. So! Drawfee is a group of four artists (plus

occasional guests) who draw pictures based on prompts. Sometimes they draw the art live and discuss it as it happens, and sometimes they draw the art in advance and then talk over the sped up recording (a "speed draw"). In either case, they're very cheerful, creative, and funny, and encouraging of each other's art. The vibe is cheerfully bisexual, as is most of the team. There are also extra channels and spinoffs, but I haven't watched much of those. You can theoretically start anywhere, but some of the videos have a lot of in-jokes and references to previous videos which can be confusing, or are more about the artists as people which can be kinda boring if you don't know them enough to care. I tried starting from the beginning, but while the initial videos aren't bad they aren't as good as the later ones. And there are over a THOUSAND videos. So in the end I just watched whatever was popular or showed up in my feed and figured out the in-jokes over time. But if you want somewhere specific to start that's fun and low on in-jokes: 4 Artists Design Characters from the Same Description: Everyone designs a character from the same character prompt. The results show everyone's style and personality pretty well. One of the characters ends up being non-binary and everyone rolls with that.

( Just some extra info )

#dreamwidth crosspost #Youtube

[enochianghost]

tagged by @fortunechaos :3

Fav Color: Green <3

Currently Reading: I'm rereading Percy Jackson for the billionth time. My sister bought me a cheap boxset of both Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus with the express purpose of marking up the books with comments in the margins and highlighted favorite quotes and dogeared important parts. I'm having so much fun making these books my own instead of being so so careful like I usually am with books, because usually it's a library book I'm reading haha

Last Song: I honestly don't know. I've been listening to drawfee streams as my background noise lately, not music.

Last Series: I am currently watching Legend of Korra and Good Omens

Last Movie: I just watched Camp Rock last night lol

Working On: So many things. I tend to have several projects going at once so I never end up wanting to work on something but bored of the current project. -Just finished up art fight. -A sequel to Turning to Savagery(my warriorcats fanfic) is in the works. I wanna use it for nanowrimo this next november. -I'm also working on an original story that only has a working title of The Four. Tho honestly I haven't done much with that lately. It's very much in world building stage still. -And lastly there's that rpg I run for my mom and sister. Each session takes place in a different world, and the world I'm working on now is futuristic sci-fi, as requested by my sister. So I'm building a sci-fi world for their characters to play in :)

okay I'm gonna tag random ppl from my activity again. feel free to ignore this if you don't wanna do it, and feel free to do this and say i tagged you if you do wanna do it. I'm happy to see anyone answer these tbh, it's always fun to know what ppl are up to

@nothing-is-relevent-but-it-is @holyfuck-no @duckpaint @nolifeoutside @rupige @il-luminosity

#my posts #tagged #tag game #i still dont remember what my tag for these was

[butwhatisit]

Aaaaaah! @knitting-in-the-shatterdome tagged me! I love them so much, we were in LSG together and we have gamed together and there was a while there where I played minecraft with their brother and it was very good and chill and I miss it and anyway answers

Last song listened: According to my phone, the last song Spotify played for me was MAMMAMIA by Måneskin. I have been kinda fixated on them lately, for both me and OC reasons.

Currently watching: I have some Drawfee streams on in the background, but I don't think that counts, really. I'm not really watching, you know? Before that I was watching/not watching Mayday: Air Disaster, and Secret Sleepover Society, and Fascinating Horror. Probably the last thing I actually watched was the latest episode of Drawfee, Drawing Barbies Based Only on Their Names.

Currently reading: I kinda don't ever have a "currently" reading, because if I stop reading something I lose momentum and never go back. I can tell you that the last book I read was Strange Love by Ann Aguirre.

I recommended it to my mother and didn't warn her about the weird alien fingering sex. Surprise, Mom.

Current obsession: Organizing my calibre libraries. I don't know why. It could also be argued that I'm obsessed with purchasing dumb shit online, though that is really more of a very bad coping mechanism. Though honestly, why not both?

Mostly I've been buying rocks. (I know the auctions call them crystals. It amuses me to call them rocks. See also: my roommate scolding me that it's not dirt, it's soil. Sorry, now it's dirt forever.)

If you want to be tagged, you are! If you do not want to be tagged, you are not!

#memery #my actual life #Youtube

[cesium-sheep]

she’s made sure I had food every night this week since my meltdown on saturday, except for today being in a sort of nebulous middle ground. she did ask me as soon as she got home if I have anything for dinner tonight, and she said she could make me something after she was done in her office, but she’s also been grouchy all day and didn’t ask a second time once she was done with her other things. (and we’re really running out of able-bodied-easy options too.)

I wanted a bubble waffle, she’s said repeatedly she’d make me one but still hasn’t :( but also I don’t know how much work it is for her, cuz it’s definitely too much for me. so I didn’t ask today. I decided I wanted lemon bars when she got up to look for something to drink in the kitchen, and she was like “it’s too late to make them” and I said I would make them and she said that was fine (without sounding mad) but I was worried she was grumpy with me for not hanging out with her, because she’d already gotten up to brush her teeth by the time I was finally done with the active part. (also we were one egg short so it took extra work.)

but I asked her and she said no, I’m allowed to be less invested in hanging out than her sometimes even though her time is more limited. (and she went to bed at like 9:15 which is way earlier than usual, not a bad thing but just not something I would know to factor into my plans in advance.) and it’s okay that I wanted to make lemon bars and she’s grumpy for totally unrelated reasons (match). but now I’m sad I didn’t get to hang out with my wife, cuz I thought she wasn’t very invested. (although it was her idea and I did turn off kh to watch drawfee with her, but she just wasn’t acting very like, present? yknow?) idk I’m sad. I’m not a person who’s prone to loneliness (only when there’s a specific person whose company/attention I want and can’t get), but everything’s been so lonely lately.

[quitetheketch-moved]

so I’ve been seeing bad taste in youtubers, not like in my mutuals or anything but in general but it made me want to make a like, recommended list of youtubers i like who are pretty chill if not full on comrades so here we are - not prompted by anything specific but an itch I got here some of the channels I like:

Cooking:

BORE.D - Fun cooking channel with a stylish presentation 

Chinese Cooking Demystified - Like it says on the tin, informative authentic Chinese dishes from all over the country. 

David Seymour - started with buzzfeed taste tests but now covers most big cooking channels seeing if he can recreate them and how they are

Maangchi - Plz cook for me, like i’m begging feed me it all looks amazing 

My Name Is Andong - fun cooking videos from all over, especially the ones about Russian food.

Simply Sara Kitchen  - good home style cooking 

Souped Up Recipes - Traditional Chinese cooking

Movies/Tv:

Accented Cinema - a video essay channel with a focus on Asian cinema

Folding Ideas - Not strictly about film but I tend to watch a lot of essayists who fall into multiple things and I kinda just have to lean into their main aesthetic but Dan is a gif so check him out.

Jack Saint  - Jack and Joel have a lot of similar style of content but Jack leans into media stuff more so i’m moving him over here. (although i’ve been working on this post for over an hour going through my alphabetical yt sub list and i’m starting to regret trying to categorize them)

PushingUpRoses  - a must watch if you love old tv especially Murder She Wrote

Renegade Cut - Does games too, and frankly they are some of their best work, but quality media analysis.

Ryan Hollinger - Horror movie analysis

Scaredy Cats  - More horror movie analysis but my favorite channel of this kind

Gaming Essays:

Adam Millard - video essays about video games - really recommend the video on Frog Fractions and the Longing

Curio - I’m putting them here because theres been a big focus on games lately and they recently started twitch streaming which is fun but really it’s all media essay. Just please check out their four part Witcher series adfkj it’s the most recent so easy to find.

Errant Signal - I dont have much to add other than please check out Errant Signal, they dont post much but I am in love with this channel.

Game Maker's Toolkit  - in depth essays about elements of game design

Jim Sterling  - Okay not essays but gaming news - if you dont check out anyone else here you should still check out Jim. Especially if you care about the rights of workers in the gaming industry. 

Gaming Play:

Biffa Plays Indie Games - mostly does Cities Skylines but sometimes other, great videos to relax to.

GaLm - GaLm deserves so much much than he gets, Love him been watching him for forever and honestly he’s enough of a workaholic that there’s so much content you WILL find something you like. All complete with critical analysis.

GrayStillPlays - one of the few like, non overtly left-os here but listen, if you want some slightly silly slightly more edgy style of video game videos to kinda turn off your brain and just enjoy you cant get much better than grey. He’s chaos but chaos that doesn’t rely on racism. Maybe one too many jokes about addiction but they aren’t usually punching down so???

John Wolfe - chill horror youtuber - not much to say but one of my favorites.

KatherineOfSky - want the most soothing voice ever to gently play hardcore logistic games at you? Well holy fuzzy cats, you’re home.

Many A True Nerd - Partner to Claire in the category below, known for his fallout but plays just about anything. Also loves grand strategy and paradox games. Good playlist management too do easy to find what you need.

Wanderbots - A just, massive amount of indie game content.

Commentary/Other:

Claire Rousseau - Books youtuber who is just a delight, I dont know how else to describe her but even tho I dont read anymore i’d still die for her.

Courtreezy -  just the queen of being bubbly and fun (some of these I dont have good sales pitches for just *shoves them at you* give em a shot)

D'Angelo Wallace and dangelowallace - Main and second channel, both the same kind of content but the formats are different. Dont always agree with all his opinions but man, theres no fault in the way he presents and researches them - solid essayist but also just oozes charisma and good times.

Drawfee Show - one of the bigger channels here save D’Angelo above so you may already be familiar with them but just a fun weekly drawing show. Good times.

Foo the Flowerhorn  - Watch fish be fed bits of blanched vegetables, like that either sells you or not but it’s Good.

Jarvis Johnson and Jarvis Johnson! GOLD - primary and secondary channels, pure commentary channel on a wide range of topics - i recommend the videos on 5 min crafts and the bachelor.

Life in Jars? - Eco-spheres and terrariums oh me :0

MacDoesIt - Gay chaotic energy, just chock full of Moods and fun times.

Sarah Z - Unofficial tumblr historian

Politics:

Big Joel - kinda variety content, plenty of media analysis but through a strongly leftist lens. Torn between here and commentary but the balance is slightly more overtly political than just media commentary through a political lens so here we go.

Black Red Guard - A black leftist commentary/essay channel focused on black issues and self described as a “New Afrikan Maoist”, this is fairly new channel I found so I’m not as good at describing his content def not better than he does but solid stuff through a perspective I wouldn’t normally get.

hbomberguy - Just watch his video on Pathologic please. Or like, watch 20 mins then go play Pathologic then come back after you’ve beaten it and Pathologic 2 and finish the video.

Innuendo Studios  - Frankly I had no idea where to put this one, because it’s a little of everything but mostly media analysis but also please watch the alt-right playbook if you like, want to understand more about how radicalization happens.

KAR - Black anarchist channel, solid political videos but shorter than most of the ones here so better for consuming when you dont have much time.

Leslie Exp - Videos about disability

Luna oi! and NonCompete  - frankly best agitprop communist duo. A good place to start learning about mutual aid and what anarchism is, beginner friendly videos on leftist theory.

Philosophy Tube - Videos are super polished and well made essays about philosophy, super theatrical and flashy. Honestly cannot stress enough how fun the production value of these are.

Professor Flowers - Nuanced important discussions about race, media, and the political landscape.

Some More News - Like it says on the tin, news but told to you by a disheveled fed up leftist (I joke because i’m running out of things to say in the comment for each but really, Cody and his entire team deserve a lot of credit for their well researched videos on current events)

Thought Slime  - Agitprop but make it a little silly because tbh we all need some jokes rn

Honorable mentions of some slightly bigger channels you may already know but I enjoy: UpIsNotJump , Steve1989MREInfo , SmallishBeans , RTGame , Primitive Survival Tool  , Mumbo Jumbo ,  emmymadeinjapan ,  Kurtis Conner ,  Danny Gonzalez , Drew Gooden  , How To Cook That , JunsKitchen , Defunctland 

[silvercrane14]

ooh 25 and 28?

!!! Ty!!!

25. Do you like to draw in silence, or with music?

I generally draw with a YouTube video going on in the background! (It used to be Drawfee, before I watched all their stuff) Lately I’ve been working on an Enstars piece so I’ve been listening to Enstars music while I do that. But yeah! I do also draw in silence but not nearly as much I think.

28. For traditional artists: what medium do you like most? (Pencil, charcoals, etc)

I’ve never really experimented, but probably pencil! I’ve water colored a bit and used guache but those are a bit too time consuming for me. Also I like using colored pencils but they never have the shades that I want, so I’ve just been using normal black and white pencil lately!

#crane answers #ty for the ask! ^ ^ #ask game #also would you like a tag? name and emoji

[nadjadoll]

Coconut, cherry, pecan for the colour asks 💫

coconut: a subject you enjoy learning about

Nature! One of my favorite things to watch are nature documentaries, I put them on while I'm writing as background noise but I just end up watching the show haha

I've really been into shark documentaries lately?? They terrify me but they're so cool

cherry: youtubers you enjoy watching

Oh boy! Youtube is like my main source of entertainment so here we go

Dan and Phil - I rewatch their Sims 4 series at least 5 times a year and I hope one day they'll come back to it

Drawfee Show - It's a channel about drawing goofy things but the entire crew is so funny and friendly that I would watch anything they put out. Two of the group Jacob and Julia also have their own twitch channel where they stream a lot and I love them so much, I watch every single one of their streams

Plumbella - The only simmer I watch because she doesn't sugar coat anything, gives good pack reviews and has my exact sense of humor

The Mcelroys - Monster factory and the adventure zone, need I say more

The Game Theorists - I got so hooked on those minecraft and fnaf theories

Buzzfeed Unsolved - Ghost Boys! Buzzfeed Supernatural and True Crime are better than any other ghost/crime documentary out there them's the facts

Call Me Kevin - I love Kevin's sense of humor and his sims 4 series is what keeps me alive these days

Outside Xbox - Jane Andy and Mike work so well together and I love watching their Hitman series every so often

Loepsie - I'm not big into beauty youtubers or anything but she seems so genuine and has really really good vintage hair/makeup tutorials

Honorable mentions that I used to be really into but not so much anymore are: Buzzfeed Multiplayer (literally just for the 100 baby series), Jacksepticeye, Markiplier, 8bitRyan

pecan: shuffle your playlist, whats the forst song that comes up

new americana - halsey

#me praying to the tumblr gods that this posts so i dont have to type out that whole youtuber section again #thank you so much!

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

A Room Full of Vampires

A Drawfee Fanfiction

John’s sister was the lamest best friend he ever had. 

They had planned to go to the movies for a week now, after months of John begging her to go with him. She only caved because this double feature landed on his birthday, and he promised she’d get out of buying him a gift if she went. 

Cheapskate she was, Ava readily agreed. 

For the past few days, he’d been so excited about it. He planned on going all out at the snack bar, he’d bring a blanket, the works. It would be like when they were kids and they used to watch movies in blanket forts when their parents went on dates. 

Considering John’s birthday last year was the worst thing that happened to him, he deserved to have some serious nostalgic fun on this one. 

But that morning, when he woke up to only one text, all it said was a weak apology that she couldn’t make it because her boyfriend had a work event. Then about twenty minutes later she added a proper, “Happy Birthday”. 

Cool. First birthday single in ten years and not even his sister wanted to spend the day with him. It was fine. 

Totally fine. 

However, when it was 7 pm and John hadn’t left his house and had totally demolished a pint of red velvet ice cream, he concluded that maybe it wasn’t fine. 

By the time the first movie of his fantasized double feature was almost over, John was pretty damn sick of staring down the liter of Mountain Dew and feeling sorry for himself. He looked in the mirror. Sure his hair was a mess and he still was wearing yesterday’s clothes, but he was a perfectly capable 26-year-old man. If he wanted to go to the movies on his birthday, he could go all by himself, dammit. 

Feeling a surge of self-confidence (possibly fueled by his energy drink overdose) he vibed with the electricity running under his skin. That’s right. He was an averagely attractive, somewhat active, not dead human. He could go out and do anything!

Granted, he couldn’t fly. He caught himself a taxi the second he got outside. He wasn’t an animal. 

When he reached the theater, the box office was derelict, save an arguing couple buying tickets. In the dark night, the platinum blonde, with arguably fabulous long hair, glistened under the bright lights. The duo looked a lot fancier than him, but sometimes people cosplayed to the theaters, so that’s what he figured was going on. Since the second feature was Cats, maybe they just really liked musicals and wanted to get their Phantom of the Opera on. He just sorta shrugged it off and waited for them to be done. 

But their bickering was pretty interesting. “Bertrand, we were supposed to go to an elaborate dinner tonight. But instead, you stayed at work late, missed our reservations, and you’re trying to make it up to me by taking me to a half-finished theater event? I’m not a dog, your scraps aren’t enough for me.”

“Bastian, I am trying to make it up to you. You love Cats. You’ve always loved Cats. You loved Cats before it even was on Broadway. This should be a fun substitute.”

“Well, maybe I wanted to see Sonic the Hedgedog, too.”

“It’s hedgehog, love.”

“Whatever.” The blonde, named Bastian, crossed his arms and stared at the movie posters, waiting for Bertrand to finish paying. 

While John loved himself a good drama, the awkwardness of hearing a couple argue also made him want to shrivel up inside and die. On a normal day, that would’ve been enough to make him go home. 

But not today.

Today was his birthday and he was going to see a movie, dammit. 

After the way-too-fashionable men walked away, John walked up to the dead-eyed teenager. “One for the double feature.”

“What is up with you people, coming half-way through the show?”

He didn’t mean to, but John bristled from the inside out. Caffeine rage was no joke. “I am an adult and I live my life in a way that makes me happy. I look like a happy man, don’t I?”

“I don’t think I wanna answer that.” Handing over his tickets, the teen grimaced. “Enjoy the show, dude.”

John didn’t mean to get so rattled, so he gave the guy an awkward wave and hoped that he never met him again. 

Okay, all the chaos had to be over now. He was going to walk into that theater, enjoy this damned movie, and prove that he was perfectly fine on his own. He didn’t need Ava or Stacy or anyone to make his birthday a good one. He was a 26-year-old man and--

Just as John pushed the doors to the theater open, he saw the couple from before standing in front of all the aisles, accompanied by two other oddly dressed men, four children, a bat, and a dog with...Wings?

Though John had been pumping his arms pretty intently, a man on a mission, he stopped dead. 

All the way down the aisles, Bertrand said, “So that’s why I knew this double feature was happening.”

Behind the kids, the guy with a big cloak threw open his arms and yelled, “Boo!” They all jumped and squealed, but then threw themselves into his arms. 

By all accounts, that should’ve been more than enough for John to leave. There was also a fair shot that, unless he was absolutely losing his mind, he might’ve just walked into a roomful of vampires. Or vampire cosplayers, at the very least, which wouldn’t be the strangest thing he walked in on. After all, nothing would ever beat Stacy getting bent over by a guy in a Teletubby costume. 

He still had no clue what the guy’s face even looked like. 

Cringing, John instead focused on watching the bizarre, but obviously happy family banter, hug, and bicker. Even the angry couple still obviously was very much in love with each other. Though he could hear Bastian’s petty comments all the way up the stairs, the guy kept making sure Bertrand never stepped on his own cloak. It was horribly sweet, even if it made him feel so much more alone. 

Sitting down, he accepted that his night couldn’t get any weirder, so he might as well accept it. 

The parents of the kids walked over to Bertrand and Bastian. The one who looked like he got hair tips from Doc Brown was patting Bertrand on the head. “So happy to have my older brother show up to our family outing!”

“It wasn’t on purpose, Victor.” 

The shorter, more cartoonish guy shrugged. “Either way, Valentino and I are happy to see you. And so are the kids! Desdemona has been dying to see her “shiny-headed uncle”.” 

“Balding is a completely natural part of the male aging process. I just unfortunately got stuck in the middle of it.” 

Just as Victor opened his mouth, the lights dimmed. “Ooh! Time for the movie to start. Sit with us!” 

Bastian patted Bertrand’s shoulder and he did this deep sigh, but he did it with such ease that it must be muscle memory from years of annoyance. John remembered when he and Ava used to have tics like that. They texted every other day, but the last time he saw her in person had to be months ago. 

He didn’t even know what color her hair was right now. Knowing her, it probably changed a few times since the purple he saw last. 

Even though Cats started up, and the CGI was a disturbing kind of mesmerizing, John couldn’t keep his eyes off the family in the first few rows. The way Bastian and Bertrand held each other’s sleeves was endearing. The little girl next to Bertrand kept leaning over and asking him questions, but no matter how tense he looked, it seemed like he always answered them. And while he didn’t quite understand what was happening, the one named Valentino held the tiny bat like it was a sweet, sleepy toddler. 

His chest started to hurt, looking at them, but he also couldn’t look away. Vampire cosplayers or whatever, they were family. It made his own fingers feel so cold, so empty and killed his Mountain Dew buzz completely. 

John looked to his own left and right and wondered how long it’d been since he got used to being alone. Those last few months with Stacy weren’t the best, and Ava drifted when--

Looking down at Victor and Valentino giggling and covering their kids’ eyes when the Cats were a little too sensual, he knew what the answer was: Ava had been distant since they lost their own version of those two. 

When Ava and John’s parents died, it had been so sudden. Before that, they spent so much time together. Ava was his best friend, over at his apartment every few days for ramen or advice or to make him try out some new recipe she had. Mom and Dad would take them to farmer’s markets and book drives, supporting their dreams in their own, weird ways. And they all used to really love mini golf, no matter how dumb that was. 

He couldn't remember the last time Ava stopped by his book store, even just to say hi.

Maybe he had a lot more going on than just being lonely; maybe Ava did, too. 

Before John could really register what was going on, the lights were coming up and it felt like his heart was being torn out of his chest. His cheeks got wet and his lungs got so full of loneliness that they didn’t know they were a pair. He didn’t want it to end. He wanted to stay in this dark theater, living vicariously through this vampire family a little longer. 

But crying in a near-empty movie theater doesn’t go unnoticed for long. “Um, sir? Are you okay?” The one named Victor was suddenly in front of him, touching his shoulder, with these kind, however dark and kinda creepy, eyes. 

If this was a normal day, John would smile and play it off.

But today was his birthday, dammit. 

Shaking his head, John said, ‘No.” 

Behind him, the entire vampire family had pooled, all looking at him with their own dark, kinda creepy eyes. John wasn’t really in a place to judge, though, considering his were probably all puffy. 

Victor asked, “Mind if I ask what it’s about?”

“You all are just a really beautiful family.” John sniffled and tried to rub away as many tears as he could. While the honesty felt nice, there was only so much shamelessness his very embarrassing soul could handle. “I think I got a little jealous.”

“Well, if you want, you can come join us for midnight mini-golf. The night has just started for us, and it’s our little girl’s birthday. The more the merrier.”

John couldn’t help but laugh. “Mine, too.”

“Even better!” Victor stood up and offered John a hand. He took it. 

As they passed the rest of the group, Valentino was rounding up the kids, Bastian was knuckling away a tear, and Bertrand was frowning. But it was the kind of way someone frowned when they knew they were about to be forced to enjoy something that they totally would enjoy, but hated to admit it. 

With a knowing smirk, Victor asked, “Coming to mini-golf, Bertrand? It’s Desi and this young man’s birthday, after all.”

Bastian added, “I won’t be so completely annoyed with you anymore if we do.” 

Bertrand scoffed in defeat. “Fine.”

And then John followed the roomful of vampires to mini-golf, and chose to actively ignore the fact none of their reflections showed up in any of the water features and the liquid in their water bottles was red. It was easier to focus on the way they all smiled together under the moonlight. 

Tonight was his birthday, and he was going to enjoy it with a real, live family (sort of). 

He’d call Ava in the morning. They had a lot to talk about.

#Drawfee #Drawfee fanfiction #A Room Full of Vampires #fanfiction #I'm sorry #family angst

[theamberfang]

Journal 240: [Mental] Health and Diet

Calm?

My first inclination was to write about how today was a nice, calm break, but if I had to be perfectly honest, it left me feeling a bit antsy. Maybe it had to do with what I specifically spent my time doing: watching more Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament gameplay, moving from Glitch 7 to Mainstage. (They’ve both been listed as big events, but I’m starting to think I need to be even more picky about the tournaments I even consider checking out.) I didn’t even catch Drawfee’s Friday livestream, which I find to be a more genuinely relaxing experience.

In general, I could be more selective about how I spend my time trying to relax. When it comes to the Smash stuff, if I had to be perfectly honest, I’m mainly watching it because I feel obligated to: that I’m somehow missing out otherwise. The feeling is strong enough that I’m struggling to even consider closing the tab with the VODs. I think I might just continue with these VODs to the end and commit to being more selective in the future, but I’ll at least keep the option of stopping in mind.

Basically, it goes back to the fundamental issue I had with spending so much time watching people play games. Funny thing is, I actually unsubscribed from a Hero of the Storm player, but I enjoyed watching his VODs more than competitive Smash—in part because I could have Pandora in another tab since he doesn’t play with music.

Diet

Something I’ve been experimenting with lately is adding a bit more carbs back into my diet; I ate some biscuits as part of a couple of breakfasts recently, and today I ate some fried rice and even some Cheetos. The basis of this change has to do with a certain conclusion I made that I had wanted to share in “A Rough Idea,” and though it felt irresponsible to follow through with that, I feel like it’s relatively safe enough to share my thoughts in a personal journal.

Regarding carbs, my theory now is that as long as I eat fiber, it’ll be fine. According to Dr. Robert Lustig, plant fiber lines the walls of the gut, slowing the absorption of sugars (and carbohydrates; I hate how “sugar” ambiguously refers to both sucrose specifically and glucose and other “-oses” in general). I’m assuming this relationship between fiber and sugar is the foundation of how vegetarian and vegan diets work. Yes, on their own, sugars and carbs have ill effects, but the average person also does not consume enough fiber whereas vegans probably take in more than enough.

As for what I learned from the keto side of things, meat and eggs are quite good for the body, and fat may even be a more ideal fuel. The catch here is that the assumption in the background is that you are getting high-quality meats: grass-fed, free-range, and all that. This kind of diet is expensive—likely more expensive than a vegan diet—and going for lesser meats can be a risk: meat from grain-fed, sedentary animals are kept alive with lots of antibiotics. It’s especially risky with heavily processed meats, where curing, preservatives, and other additives can hide the quality.

When it comes to salt, it depends on what your current diet is. If it might be described as “an average American diet” with a lot of processed and fast foods in there, then you may be eating too much salt. If you’re starting to become health and diet conscious though, you need to make sure that you aren’t removing salt entirely from your diet.

To sum things up more succinctly:

Avoid additive sugars (granulated sugar, high fructose corn syrup, etc)

Eat more fiber

If you eat enough fiber, carbohydrates are fine

Meat is fine for you, technically

Moderate salt

To be clear, the above discussion was regarding personal health. I’m aware of the environmental and ethical concerns related to the meat industry. These are social concerns that shouldn’t be blamed on individuals. It takes a significant degree of privilege to be able to afford the time, energy, and money to undergo the lifestyle change that a diet demands.

To blame people for being unable to diet is to blame people for not “voting with their wallets” properly. The thing is, if someone isn’t in the position to eat healthily, then their wallets probably aren’t worth much of a vote. Antagonizing these people for having harmful diets will only cause them to dig their heels in, when they might otherwise be useful allies where their votes might actually mean something: votes in elections.

Admittedly, elections also aren’t exactly fair, but it’s still magnitudes more powerful than what wallet-votes would accomplish. Furthermore, it’s way more feasible to get people to vote for environmentally-minded candidates and policies than it would be to try getting people to stop eating meat. Also, policies that get people out of poverty may then allow those people the privilege of switching to a healthier lifestyle, both for themselves and the planet.

High-Functioning

Something that occurred to me a couple of days ago that I’ve forgotten to discuss is that, despite how intense my anxiety can become, I usually appear to be a normally-functioning human. The thought of going to meet and talk to people can be debilitating for me, but once I’m actually out there I can usually communicate decently enough. Though, more specifically, I can handle greetings and simple answers to questions when asked: trying to start conversations myself or providing more in-depth answers can still be anxiety-inducing. Even if I’m anxious though, I don’t think it’s visibly apparent: as far as most people are concerned, I’m simply shy, or I don’t have much to speak about.

This primarily occurred to me when talking with my trans friends after the DBSA support group: they suggested interacting with my parents, especially my father, in ways that honestly feel impossible to me at the moment, and I had difficulty expressing how stressful it is for me to approach them. My theory is that it’s because I seem perfectly fine with expressing myself in group—and even out of group. The way I’ve presented myself to them makes it difficult to imagine that I could also have an anxiety attack from talking to my father—though, now that I think back, I suppose I didn’t explain that.

Anyway, where this becomes more important is that I think this is the core problem that my parents have. Mental illness just isn’t very visible, and it’s not very obvious that I’m literally unable to even consider putting a resume together and looking for a job. I mean, I guess this was stuff I intellectually understood, but something about my conversations a couple of days ago made the reality of it click.

Unfortunately, I don’t think it actually changes much of anything. I still have to somehow deal with my anxiety so that I can properly educate my parents about my anxiety, but they’re also a key source of anxiety... I suppose this clarification for myself might influence how I try to engage with and educate my parents in the future, so there’s at least a half-step of progress here.

Wrapping Up

I don’t actually have too much to say about tomorrow other than that I still plan on playing through and writing about another full day of Night in the Woods. It’s just because I don’t want to start part 1 of a day, only to have to wait until next Thursday to finish it. Next week is when I’ll try splitting things into two parts, even if it means having a lot of work to do tomorrow again.

Regarding my obsession with blog activity, I found myself really wanting to check if yesterday’s NitW post got any notes, but it wasn’t actually too stressful to keep myself away. I did notice the frequency of urges go up past noon though, especially with how I’ve increased the duration of the restriction. For now, I’ll keep the restrictions as they are.

Tomorrow’s Tasks

Avoid checking blog activity; 0900-1400

Dance for exercise; 0930

KA: US History; 1030

MLP: FiM episode; 1130

NitW stuff; 1300

Journal; 2000

#daily journal #personal #diet #anxiety #meta

[kiwiwola]

12/01/20

Been doing my pt exercises; neck pain is now pretty manageable on days when I don’t draw or play guild wars (my desk time is pretty minimal/interrupted without those, currently). Have had a few short drawing/doodle days, nothing much. Walked the 1 mile trail by my place twice this week, hoping to squeeze a few more in before the end of the week. 

Trying to collect my thoughts for the first therapy appt I’ve had in..a month? Two? Otherwise my mind goes blank and I forget..what moments i came, what moments I’m moving toward. I’ve been periodically checking my blog archive to just..remember what happened the previous month?? It’s been helpful, but still just...weird, how each day and week and month rolls quietly into the next. 

So lets see. I was doing some daily pen practice in October; also doing to much Lab in gw2 (finally got my ghost scarf, but at what cost). This, and stress, and nightmares, pushed my neck tension to intolerable, tear-worthy levels at the end of the month. I started playing Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles about that time, because it seemed really chill and casual. Also I wanted to enjoy a final fantasy again, and the Crystal Chronicles universe looked different and charming. Spoiler: it is different and charming. I like it a lot! Rest of November was basically...pt exercises, no matter what, and wishing I could do more than I could. There’s so many goofy little moments, or in-between moments in FFCC I want to draw! A selkie caravanner, looking forlornly into the dark pools of the marsh; a vegetable-themed caravan of lilties; the well-established Sol Racht, continually giving my rough and grubby solo selkie round corns out of an abundance of fatherly concern; Mog with some selkie-style adornments.  Oh yeah also hot demon bois from Soul of Yokai, I finally finished that too. 

But I still find myself lacking energy (that is, my neck-to-right-hand region still fatigues/becomes painful quicker than usual) and, since I haven’t been consistently drawing, it takes me longer, and usually more frustrated, hard-pressure passes, to get where I want to be in drawing. 

I have been trying to detach the product (thing drawn) from the action (drawing) more often, because I want, more often, to enjoy the latter, and care less about the former. Telling myself, as I start, “this doesn’t have to be for anyone but you. You don’t even have to save the file,” has helped. But it is complicated, because I’ve always loved the communicative aspect of the product-- how even a slapdash sketch can, in some instances, portray a joke or emotion better than a comment.  I miss being able to make people laugh or feel stuff with my art. But I’m not sure if that’s a communication thing, or a “I need people to think I’m cool and smart” thing. Maybe both?  Even if it’s just the former, perfectionism (or more accurately, my need to control how I, and the things I create, are perceived) ensures that I spend way to much time on it, worry excessively over it, and in the end, usually never want to see it again (unless someone else responds well to it and validates it). And I hate that. It’s like putting yourself through a judging competition with everything you do. I just wanna draw dumb embarrassing shit again and not..think about how it may or may not be received...

I watched a Drawfee video yesterday (”Drawclass: Jacob Teaches You How to Practice Effectively”) and there were a couple explanations in the beginning that really hit a different facet of the whole practice vs product, art vs the act of drawing thing I’m trying to untangle in my brain. I’m still trying to figure out what it’s ringing my brain bells, but let me see if I can take some notes and talk it out here as I rewatch it... Practice =Input  

Drawing =Output 

“When you’re practicing, what you want to be doing is putting new information into your brain; so you need to be looking outwards at things you don’t know how to that you can put inside your brain. And you want to try to get as much new information into your brain as possible when you’re practicing. Which means you’re not making art when you’re practicing. You’re not sitting down to make a piece you’re going to show to someone, you’re not making anything for anyone other than your own brain, to gain more information that it can start analyzing....

Practice is for you. It’s for taking in outside information, and then when you’re actually drawing, you’re taking all that information you’ve got, and putting it out onto the page to make an actual piece. It’s two completely different thought processes that go into these two things. 

I think the reason it helps to think of practice as input and not really a creative performance is because that means that practice doesn’t matter--in the sense that you’re not showing it off, it’s not art. So you don’t have to apply the same value judgements to it that you would to art that you make...Practice, in and of itself, is good to do. 

So when you’re practicing, you can separate the emotional aspect from it a bit better and say like, this is just work, this is taking information and putting it in my head, and it doesn’t matter what comes out onto the page because it’s not for anyone or anything, it’s just for me....

I think the aspect of pressure, the pressure of looking at a blank page and being like, “what am I gonna draw” stops a lot of people from working, instead of thinking about it as, “what am I going to work on today, what am I going to set out to improve today?” And if you know what types of things you need to improve, then you always have something to draw.”

Practicing-> Fast and numerous iterations, don’t be precious

This particular chunk in the beginning is what I’ve been thinking about, re: the pressure of performative drawing lately. I know it’s important to practice from reference, and I had worked out on some level that it was important, to me at least, that I keep the practice stuff private, but I’m still fuzzy on entirely why. But thinking of practice as almost a wholly separate entity from drawing to create a polished product--as a thought process heading in the other direction, in not out, even, has answered that “why” for me in a way that I understand, I think. It reminds me of the process of note-taking, which I also tbh enjoy--quickly condensing information so you can construct a more whole, personalized understanding that can be retrieved later for a test, an essay, etc.  

And i don’t emotionally shit the bed if nobody sees my notes--I don’t worry about what a professor will think about my notes, because it is very much understood that they are meant for me, and my understanding; that they are part of the input stage, and not the output stage. As much as i love the look of polished, color-coded notes, those are not the kinds of notes I take; and on the few occasions I tried to take them that way, I usually end up with less information on the paper and less encoded into my brain, because I’m dividing my attention and focusing now on how I want the notes to look, as a finished product. 

But posting practice art is...literally putting it out there, which makes it *feel* like it’s part of the output stage, and should be judged and fretted over similarly. And that is exhausting for me, especially without other things to balance out my day. 

I would like to stop fretting over finished, output art as well, but maybe I can build my way there by first starting to think of practice, or “input art”, differently. 

#dumb fish stuff #therapy stuff #drawing thoughts